As someone who is on the asexual spectrum, the idea that I wouldn't be friends with someone before dating them is absolutely insane to me. Not to mention that the idea that you can't be friends with women really feels like you don't think women are people in the same way that men are.
Yeah, I don't think he's saying that. He's said on several occasions that his wife is his best friend. I think he means in the dating context to be as clear-cut as possible. His sect of Judaism is incredibly structured in its courting procedures essentially to match up values and goals first and then through the process, (which inevitably you'll become friends through the process if it lasts til marriage. As they'll be having high-quality conversations and hanging out together. Which is literally just friendship except there's a possible end goal of marrying and building a life together).
as someone who can't feel sexual attraction unless I'm BFFs with someone, concepts like the friendzone are really gross and harmful. I need to know someone as a friend before dating is ever an option.
Good god. My husband was my best friend at college before we started dating. Dating and falling in love with him was the most fulfilling, joyful experience in my entire life. I was nervous at first that dating would ruin our friendship, but hubby said "I want to be your friend and your lover." That was the right answer. :). We are still best friends 32 years later. Also, there's a big difference between "being a friend" and "pretending to be a friend so you can get some tail." Ben is correct that you shouldn't lurk around in the "friend zone" hoping to get lucky. If you like someone, just ask them out. If they say no, move on. But my parents had an interfaith marriage and were married for 50 years. Jesus.
For Shapiro, religious/political beliefs and core values are the same thing. The dangerous thing is that a person can espouse the same faith creeds but not have the same understanding of kindness, mercy and justice.
@@kevinbissingerhow do you jump from "i was nervous for reason x" to "i said no" 😅 Theres such a thing as a conversation... Or the makeout session OP mentioned 😂
I’m so over the trend of people giving advice on things they have no expertise in. All Ben can speak about authoritatively when it comes to dating is his own experience. There’s absolutely no reason to think it will apply to anyone else.
It's especially weird when he talks about what women feel and experience, with no sources to back it up of course. His background is in political science and law, so... that hardly qualifies him to talk about the female mind. He's just drawing on the old implied trope of "women are emotional and need relationship and protection which makes them GREAT at being mothers and taking on all unpaid family responsibility and emotional labour with no real authority, thank you for volunteering I know you won't say no" as contrasted with "men are rational, can separate from their emotions, they have Cold Hard Rationality with zero emotional empathy which innately excuses their mistreatment and objectification of women but paradoxically makes them worthy leaders without needing to earn it because big rational brain, no emotional empathy to 'cloud' their judgement from the Hard Choices of what Must Be Done". I'm getting really, really tired of those harmful tropes.
I love the insecurity and emotional illiteracy of Ben's advice. My wife, of 16 years, are not of the same religion but early on in our relationship, we established that we wanted a long-term relationship/marriage and that we had the same values. I even became good friends with her ex-boyfriend and had many single female friends, and she had lots of male friends. Since we communicated openly, there was never jealousy. It's sad that people like Ben don't know how to enjoy relationships, romantic or platonic, with people of another gender (or their preferred gender).
Im only 18 but my boyfriend of 4 years is christian and I'm not im also vegan and hes not and we don't let these things get in the way of our relationship and its Completely hwalthy he agrees to eat vegan food with me sometimes and I let him talk about his beliefs it can be Completely healthy
The truth is that some relationship thrive when "unevenly yoked" (it's a xtian concept about not being with someone who doesn't share your faith) because then the relationship isn't an echo chamber and diversity of opinion and view are just as much building blocks as anything else.
I'd personally rather date someone who stans a different K-Pop group than I do. But I wouldn't want to date someone who had a religion or that is a theist. different favorite colors, cool. different favorite foods, dope. different races, nice. those are interesting differences.
Hey, FYI, the study he mentioned about sending men and women to proposition people for one night stands in a bar, per your question? They also tested propositioning men with men and women with women, and the women's response rate was comparable to the men's in a queer context. And one of the reasons that people gave was that men tend to be selfish or unskilled lovers if not with a long time partner, as well as yes, safety concerns.
@@theantibot yeah, it might have been a followup or something? But I remember reading it several years back, it wasn't like... just a simple "Would you like a one night stand, check yes or no." They had a whole debrief survey regardless of the answer cuz they were... you know, social scientists, interested in studying human mating behavior.
If you see someone and want to talk to them because they're sexually attractive (and have no interest in being friends with them) it's because you want a sexual relationship with them not a romantic one. Also, I don't see how someone would not be mentally healthy enough to be friends with a woman but would be mentally healthy enough to date one. Sounds like someone willing to traumatize a woman for his own sexual gratification.
Absolutely agreed and well said. Thing is people need to understand that in order to date someone, you need to see if they are mentally healthy to appreciate you as an individual first. Dating is all about mutually loving and respecting each other while knowing each other well. If you can form healthy genuine friendships with the opposite gender, you can very much date them.
Ben Shapiro says: women need to be comfortable for sex, they don't want one night stands. What he misses is that men, in the USA, are almost innately comfortable, whether in a bar or going to some stranger's place. Guys are raised here to think they are competent and have the answers and solutions. Women are often questioned so much, they may just stop talking and alway feel like they are wrong. Women are primed to be uncomfortable in the outside world. I have many women friends who have had flings. Most of them were in the military and are NOT worried about getting hurt. They usually have flings with guys they could bench press. It's not about lack of interest, it's a lot about RISK, and comfort. Women ha a lot more at risk, health wise. Pair that with socializing that makes men overly confident and women UNDERconfident, and it makes sense why no ladies (in a single study of 100) want a one night stand.
Yh Ben IS making another Statement that leads me to the conclusion that i must be some weird abberation. Cuz Dude, Most women i know have had flings, including me, it's Just that we tend to be more selective. My flings were with Guys i Had Seen before, at Parties where i felt Safe. Never in a Club with a Stranger. Not because of Lack of interest but because Ive been socialised that hooking Up in a club is A) slutty B) Dangerous I simply never wanted to risk going with some cute, suave stranger to a place i didnt know to have a maybe mediocre experience. The risk and the benefits simply dont match up.
It's actually just as dehumanizing to men to tell them that they can only find validation in romantic partnerships. That just being friends isn't enough.
I think slut shaming also plays a big role in women being less interested in casual sex than men. It can be very socially risky for women to own their sexuality in the setting of a purity culture influenced society
yeah, there are a lot of reasons women are less likely to be interested in straight hookups. There's always the safety factor when it comes to strangers, as well as the fact that a lot of men don't.. prioritize women's pleasure in sex so a lot of women feel like a hook-up is a lot of risk and effort for possibly/probably not even getting to orgasm. I definitely feel like the willingness to hook up is proportionately higher in lesbians/among sapphic couplings in general which sorta points to all these issues.
Strongly agreed. The purity culture in society can cause issues like making people especially women unable to express themselves fully. Also , safety, comfort and understanding is very important in those situations, no matter what. As a man myself, I tend to keep important things in mind regardless if I'm willing to do something casual or serious.
First happy anniversary Drew & Taylor!! I met my wife October 11, 1996 and I was not interested in a romantic relationship at the time, so we started as just friends. July 4, 1997 I realized I was falling in love with her and asked her to be my girlfriend, she said yes. We ended up moving in together on August 1, 1997. We lived together in love and arguments with each other, and I proposed to her feeling very secure, for the first time ever, in my choice to do that. We got married January 22, 1999 and were together through both great and bad times growing stronger in love. June 7, 2022 Kerri and I professed our love to and for each other in the presence of her parents and brother for the last time, and I held her hand for the last 8 hours of her life. I'm still very much in love with her, so Ben's advice is not absolute.
Life is grim. Its not good or bad. It just is. Also, given that temperament is innate, theres not much you can do about the trajectory of your grief. All the studies show you end up back where you were after about five years. If you know this at the beginning it makes it easier to handle. If that's important to you. It can also be a source of strength
I wasn’t expecting to cry today. But, I’m okay with it. 😭 💜Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story, and I’m so sorry your beloved wife is no longer with you. 💜
@@Ashaliyeva Thank you for your empathy and appreciation of mine and Kerri's love story. The picture to the left is of Kerri and I early in our marriage.
My life became drastically richer when I started treating each relationship of mine as unique. Relationships are fluid, the ebb and flow and just let them evolve naturally. I've had great friendships turn into relationships and great relationships turn into friendships. Each relationship requires something different and learning about yourself and those you spend your time with is a wonderful experience. Also, as a Pansexual, if I couldn't befriend someone I am possibly attracted to, I'd be deeply lonely. As usual, great work, both of you！
I’m close friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends and and it drives me crazy when I hear people banging on about how you can’t be friends with an ex when you’re in a new relationship - that it’s disrespectful to the new partner.
@@Katie2986 just 😒 I can be friends with whoever I and the other person wants. Having sex, date or even being a long term relationship does not make impossible to be friends after. I do not even get why people think it does
For about 10 seconds I was in agreement with Ben... if a man wants to date a woman he shouldn't try and becomes friends as some kind of slow play tactic to becoming a boyfriend. If you like someone you should tell them... if being "just friends" hurts you emotionally because you desire to be more, then you shouldn't be close with that person. And attempting to con a woman to be with you by being a "friend" first, means there is something wrong with you. Basically everything else he says is BS.
I agree. My issue with the way that men who do decide they want to date women they are friends with is that they are typified as creeps or fake friends. You can't really know you want to date someone outside of finding them physically attractive until you get to know them. Sometime without you knowing, feelings develop and bam, this person you are friends with makes your knees turn to jello when she says hi. One of the problems I have with discussions like this is there is no talk of it also being a woman's responsibility to express interest. She's some passive leaf in the breeze who is acted on by a man's desire for her. She must also know if a guy she meets is attractive to her right? Why are we putting all of the pressure on the man to put all of his cards on the table or figure everything out?
Marriage in reality is no different from just living together Ben, the piece of paper doesn't actually do anything magical or special. Absolutely nothing changes from the day before to the day after your wedding because marriage is are not magic. Living together before and after the wedding means absolutely nothing Ben, all it does is give you a better view of what you're getting yourself into and gives you the opportunity to really evaluate if that's what you want. Living together before marriage gives you a better insight as to what you are getting yourself into and it makes you more informed and it causes you to have a far more informed decision if you do decide to get married. Ben why are you so against informed decisions.
me having not at all watched the video: I'm just gonna assume it's because if his wife had had a clue as to what he was like before marrying him she wouldn't have married him,
I know someone who got married multiple times. She said that if she lived with them first. She would never have married them. Living together helps to see if you're truly compatible.
What people seem to forget: a wedding is the ceremony around signing a contract that defines who gets your stuff when you die. The romantic idea is very very young. Marriages, especially the religious ones were never meant to have anything to do with compatibility or love or anything. It was always about children/ lineage and stuff/ money. That's not inherently bad,I even think it's a good idea as it prevents people from being at each others throats about that nice ring or that watch... Mostly. But it's not being married that makes a good couple, it's what makes us emotionally mature enough to live and love another human being. That's like saying good people are only good because they will be punished otherwise. Just...no. bad people might be kept in check with that, that doesn't make them good.
I was best friends with my husband before getting married. We stayed married for 22 years 8 months before he died 3 weeks ago. I believe two people should be friends before getting into a serious relationship (including marriage). Most of the people I know that were friends with their spouse before marriage are either still married OR are bestfriends with their ex- after their divorce. Just my experience.
Once someone asked me on a date, I said I wasn't interested, then they said why don't we go out just to see if we might be interested in each other and if nothing else it could just be a nice way to spend some time. I said okay because I was on the fence, thought I could potentially be interested. At one point in the date they very forwardly asked to go have sex with me. I said no. They said I had wasted their time. I felt like shit because I stupidly thought someone would enjoy just spending time with me under the pretense of we're deciding if we're interested in each other and if not it's okay. I also felt like maybe I had made a social mistake, like maybe "I'm not interested but I'll still go on a date to see if I might be" translates to "I'm not interested romantically but I am interested sexually" but I talked with some friends who said they'd never assume someone wants to jump in bed with them just because that person's on a date with them.
Also, THEY MANIPULATED YOU! They said it wouldn't be a date and there was no pressure for more, but then accused you of wasting their time. A complete weirdo!
As an aromatic, I'm never going to love a video on dating lol. I have a MAJOR problem with the concept of "friendzone" like "what, being friends is inherently bad? Dude, I LOVE my friends. If you're my friend, that's special". On the same lines, I HATEHATEHATE the language of "more than friends"/"just friends". I may not give hearts and roses but I LOVE my friends so fiercely, how DARE you trivialise my feelings and say that is lesser
I feel like you are imprinting your own feelings about friends onto other people when they say that, at least that’s how I’m interpreting your comment. To most people that are not aromantic, we tend to have stronger emotions associated with our romantic partners than our friends. Don’t get me wrong, we still feel strongly about our friends. When I was little I used to be very timid and didn’t want to do anything bad that would disappoint my parents, but when a kid started messing with my friend I was wholeheartedly ready to fight someone 2 feet taller than myself if it meant helping my friend out. With romantic partners, we tend to just have this extra element to it that’s hard to describe that adds on to this. So when people say “we’re just friends” they are talking about themselves, and most people get what they mean. They are not calling you out and saying that you don’t feel as strongly as they do towards the people you care about just because you have “just friends”.
@@_Sloppyham This. I'm fiercely loving, loyal, and protective of my friends, but a romantic element is alchemic-it's intimacy of a different degree and sensation. In this, the so-called "friendzone" is a legitimate (and often torturous) problem if you want or need something different/more from that person than wonderfully close friendship. Realizing my (newly encountered!) emotions clearly surpassed what I had known as "friendship" was how I realized I wasn't actually ace.
About that hookup study ... there was a followup where they took people's sexuality into account and got a lot more follow-up information from the people who were approached, and it absolutely was the case that men were seen as more dangerous than women. The part that stood out in my memory was that gay men felt *more comfortable accepting a sexual overture from an unvetted woman* (who they aren't especially attracted to) than from an unvetted man (who representsa threat). It's a wonderful follow-up study - definitely worth looking up, if you're interested.
Honestly in the "dating is not fun" call, I think "fun" is a euphemism for "sex" lol The whole piece about how women need that emotional relationship is basically saying "a woman can consent but she doesn't really know that she doesn't actually want sex". He's saying that any woman who says she wants just sex is deluded by these "feminist lies about consent". That she doesn't actually want sex, she wants a relationship, and it's the responsibility of a man to not give in to her consent because he knows best that she'll be happier with sex within marriage
Which is oerfect for ben because sex being fun isn't ever an important part of the equation- for her. But by the time she figures that out she's trapped and it's a sin to leave.
@@presentfuture7563 Well you could see it as patriarchal but he would also say that the man is also "damaging" himself. In his world view, having random sex isn't conducive to forming stable marriages or even morally a good thing.
Omg. He generalizes so much. I’m female and I like sex with no strings. I have had to communicate with men so that they understand my perspective and don’t get hurt.
Sure yeah, communication is key and just because he's referencing a general rule doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. However, I've seen a lot of women close to me get hurt because they start a FWB and then "catch feelings" with a guy who has made it clear from the beginning that he doesn't want a relationship. Then that shit crashes and burns leading to more insecurity, anxiety, etc about relationships and men.
@@Via_The_InternetHe isn't referencing a general rule, he's just referring to stereotypes he beliefs that aren't backed by any science at all. Also, you talked about your experiences, but the amount of women you have met in your life is less than 0.00001% of the entire female population in the world.
Everyone is different. I am a dude but end up falling when I do no strings lol. I did end up remaining friends with one. However my gf got jealous and didn't approve of staying friends. Communication is key. As I wouldn't mind an eventual relationship and if that was no with me I would reject you and move on
I always felt icky about the idea without really knowing how to put it into the words. Another TH-camr put it this way: "If you complain that you've been friend-zoned, then admit that you f@ck-zoned the person."
@@Saezimmerman yeah... I got into an argument about the friend zone and whether or not it actually exists... my point is that it does, but only for teens. For people that don't understand how relationships are meant to work and are trying to figure it out and people that haven't figured out how to communicate boundaries and desires it exists. If an adult thinks it exists then they never matured past the relationship skills of a highschooler.
Some of my most meaningful relationships were short lived but we continued to be friends. I would never give up those experiences, ever! It only added growth perspective.
Some of the things Ben says, I agree with on the surface, but you guys are good at looking at what he’s saying in the full context of his work, and pointing out problems that I might not have noticed. That’s why I appreciate reaction videos from you guys.
Only fringe religions truly advocate what he is espousing. How much of this is his religion, and how much of this is his stunted emotional growth and lack of worldly experience?
I'm always amazed how Ben Shapiro acts so confident and answers each and every question, giving advice no less, basically without thinking about it first, if only for moment. He's the know-it-all-type his tribe actually warns us about in regards of science based knowledgable people who actually are experts in their fields, but they, Shapiro's camp, don't believe a word they say.
I have no issue with folks discussing what works for them and what they think the right path is. But his approach is very … cringy and advocating a fringe view of relationships that is just plainly juvenile and wrong. I supposed the bit that makes it most ridicule-able is the framing it as not a discussion, but a decree from Shapiro, the "authority."
Nearly every answer is “be the man and ask her out, don’t be friends with women, and don’t do the deed before marriage.” How often does he even need to think anyways?
31:57 I think it was more of a Freudian slip. He said dating to have fun means you have no care or compassion. Which implies that he maybe thinks care and compassion isn't fun? Fun in his definition might equate to emotional disregard for the other person. This is pretty consistent with the Christian idea that if there's fun it means it's sinful and therefore there must be no care or compassion. Or that if you hadn't thought about marriage then there must be no care or compassion. Framing it this way actually helped me to make sense of why anything that doesn't fit into the dating for marriage category is treated with contempt in religion. But it does make you wonder why they think it's more important to "ask a girl out" before you work on being friends. Is it because if you find out later that their values are different you can always try to change them? Is that really care and compassion? It also doesn't sound like much fun either.
It is not a Christian idea that fun is sinful. It is a Christian idea that it's not okay to have fun at the expense of another person or of your own values. However, exploiting someone or violating your own values is what many people call "letting your hair down and just having fun" and THAT is what Christians reject.
Loved your point about marriage not always being the point of dating. I remember my dad expressing loneliness in the years after my parents divorce. He often said that he just wanted someone to go to the movies with him. As an adult, I feel like his willingness to date casually for the fun of it really helped him heal from losing his marriage in a way my mother never did.
I just started dating someone and we have so much in common and similar life experiences except she believes in ghosts and astrology. As a materialist that doesn’t bother me in the slightest because it’s not malignant, hateful or oppressive beliefs like Ben has
Me and my wife were friends for two years first, lovers for 23 years after that, and counting. I honestly can't imagine how to be married long time without being friends. That said though, Ben's first comment seems to be about being friends as a sort of 'tactic' to pursue a woman. That, I agree, is a bad idea. It's also can't say anything about the virtue of being friends, as friends do not do this cruel thing to each other. The thing about being lovers with your friend is that you have this relationship already in which you can say things to each other, you already have this rapport of honesty. Also, it's easier to deal with moments where 'the spark is gone' - it doesn't have to be 'romantic' all of the time: you're still buddies and can do fun things together, and can have good talks and explore the world together. The spark will return.
"Being in a relationship is mostly being friends" thats so true. You're only being physical a small amount of the time, most of the time you're just around that person, talking and hanging out just like friends do.
My oldest friend is a woman. We've been close friends since elementary school. Everyone thought we would end up married, but neither of us felt that way towards each other. We even ended up attending each other's wedding. Both our spouses are now friends and we often all hang out together, and couldn't be happier.
That one guy that called in and said he got rejected, and Ben said no don't continue to be friends... I think Ben gave good advice in that case. If he was calling because he was confused still about how he felt about being rejected and still being friends, then I'd say that most likely that caller is not ready to be friends with that woman. He'll be thinking about it and will become resentful after he sees her in another relationship. It's best that he just stays away until he's mature enough to be able to move past that kind of feeling.
my husband and I were best friends in college. platonic FRIENDS. we were in the same friend group and hung out and shared deep dark feelings and secrets and THAT'S HOW WE STARTED TO FALL IN LOVE. THROUGH FRIENDSHIP. I wouldn't be married to him if we had tried traditional dating. we never had a first date, it all just happened because we got drunk at a party and realized we had feelings for each other. And now I can't imagine my life without him.
18:13 I’m demisexual and romantic, I literally have no attraction to people until I get to know them. The job thing is such an unfair comparison in the way he put it. It would be more like if you open a business with your friend and not so much like hiring your friend because you need to fill a job if that makes sense. That’s how it works in my mind anyway, there wouldn’t be a ‘job opening’ if that friend weren’t there in the first place. I’m sure different people think of it differently
My ex and I stayed friends after and it wasn't at all awkward. He asked me out once or twice again throughout, I asked him out at one point, and we both turned each other down because of timing and because we just weren't feeling a relationship in general at that time respectively. Now we are dating again, 10 years later, because we were in a place where we wanted to try it again. It's funny, he starts it out saying being upfront is the most important thing in a relationship, but then he assumes that the woman won't tell the guy if it's too awkward to remain friends. The only universal rule to dating that I've found is that, if you are looking for an emotional connection, talking more is typically better than talking less. Outside of that advice like this is always going to fall short for someone lol
Drew makes such a good point (at about 38 mins) that language exists and even if men and women approach sex and dating differently on an instinctive level, then we are capable of having a conversation where we each hear the other's thoughts and then decide together if we're aligned enough to have a relationship. We have these wonderful technologies of communication and it doesn't hurt to use them. This really made me laugh. "He's saying that we can either talk about marriage or we can't talk at all."
For a moment I was wondering if I have the video on 1.25x or 1.5x speed... BTW, on 0.75x speed Ben starts to sound normal 😂, excluding the content of what he says...
Not necessarily. I'm Ace, and I can do romantic relationships (they're really nice when they work), with zero sex. If you don't feel romance either, then you're AroAce on top of regular Ace. :P
The way my uncultured ass had to google "why does ben shapiro wear a little hat?" and JUST KNOW found out about yarmulkes...feeling so dumb right now!!
I always hate arguments by analogy, except when they reveal something about the person making the argument. So, when ben says the right way to start a long-term marriage is by acting like you own a business and you're hiring an employee rather than friends deciding whether or not to start a business together, he's saying a lot more than he meant to.
Storytime! I thought I had a great guy friend. Until 2 years into the friendship he tried to kiss me. I was shocked and laughed it off. He never answered any of my calls or texts ever again. We were both in our 30s.
Which is why I agree with Ben that intentions need to be made in the beginning. A friendship that really is a relationship in the other person's head is a lie and flawed. Maybe alcohol could have played a role and he was embarrassed? Did you have a crush on him?
I don't get this whole "friend zone" idea... Like, oh no, how terrible! You have a friend! What could be worse than that? 🙄 I sometimes say that if it weren't for "the friend zone," I might not have any friends at all 😅
My husband and I were friends first and We have been married for 30 years. The foundation you build helps later. If you go into a relationships you want long term, sex first, you risk not knowing who they really are.
love the acknowledgment that polyamorous people exist from you guys ❤ there are so many ways to relate to other people and it doesn’t have to be in the monogamous heteronormative way conservatives are so obsessed with
I fear it could be jealousy manifesting as a feeling of unfairness that they had to (and often still have to) closet themselves while others do not. Be free and stop hating for others what you don’t want to give to yourself. You can discuss factually deeply studied pros and cons without harboring religiously indoctrinated or culturally inculcated hate.
@@keithb6717 poly does not deny or neutralize patriarchy. Men are still in a position of power and are statistically more inclined to do harm (like in this case)
@@anainesgonzalez8868 Patriarchy? You’re one of those, eh? Do you realize how stupid you sound to an educated woman? They’re strong independent women who made bad irrational decisions like women often do. Did you know that when you spread your legs that pregnancy is a possibility? Did you know that having sex with several different people increases said risk?
Benji's flaming hypocrisy is on open display around 10:00 He starts talking about "being in a rut" and how that's problematic in relationships; how many decades has Ben been stuck in the same self-justification loops of his religious nonsense? Answer: his entire life, he's absolutely incapable of even the most basic understanding of any viewpoint outside his own. Benji's entire worldview, is comprised of Strawman Fallacy understanding of all other worldviews; he has Never shown the slightest comprehension of any point that wasn't in support of his Preconceptions about what Answers to give. Ben is a Prime Example, of what Intellectual Stagnation looks like.
Take this from somebody that made a lot of mistakes in relationships. I think I was friend zoned quite a bit because I didn't let the other person know that I was interested soon enough (because I was afraid of rejection). Things can become creepy if you keep things buried and the other person can kind of pick up on it I think eventually it's just not healthy and wastes a lot of people's time. I can't be friends with a romantic interest if the feelings aren't mutual. At least it would take a while to be friends again.
That's not the friend zone. It's really cruddy to only be interested in women because you want a relationship with them. That's not treating women as equal individuals that really is treating women as objects because it's saying that she's not valuable unless you're dating her. It is really really crappy to know that someone only wants to talk to you because they want something more from you not because they genuinely enjoy you as a person they only see you as an object. I want to have conversations with people and I want to form friendships with people and I don't want it to be because they have additional motives. If I find out someone is only my friend because they wanted to get with me that is absolutely heartbreaking because it says I'm not worth someone else's time if they can't get in my pants.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite I think I agree with all your points. I don't believe that was the only reason why I wanted to be friends with certain people but that certainly was the case with some. And I do regret it and I ended up being very unhappy for a long time until I figured that out. Thankfully, now that I'm much older, I understand a lot of that. My point I think was that I was trying to say people should be honest if they're interested and not pretend to just want to be friends. It's also difficult to be friends with someone who you have them rejected by, not that they did anything wrong, it takes time. Thankfully I'm not dating anymore I'm happily married and don't have to worry about this anymore but I was trying to save some people some grief that's all.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite Agreed, I've had that happen to me a couple times, and it's heartbreaking. I thought you were my true friend, but no, you just wanted some pussy. So dehumanizing.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite That's not what he said though. He said that you should be upfront if you're interested in dating instead of pretending to want to be friends. You can be friends with women, but not as a disguise for romantic interest. I also agree with him on that it's really hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for. I am a bi woman, and fell in love with a straight friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years now, and it still hurts even though I know nothing can happen there. So I would definitely try to avoid being friends with people you're romantically interested in, it sucks.
@@Xizile93 that is still viewing the person as an object and not as a person. That is still only viewing the person as a worthy conversation all because you want something more from them. That is so crappy that's telling the person they aren't worth the other person's time unless they can get something more out of. That is so so disheartening to hear about. It is so so crushing to know that someone only wants to be with you because they want more from you than what you are. That is so credit to not want to be friends with somebody just because they're not interested in you. That is so disrespectful to them as a human being.
Hold on, I must say: being friends first is possibly the BEST way to go into a relationship. I was just friends with my girlfriend for years, and because we were only friends, we weren't as worried about showing our best side to each other or presenting in a way to appeal to each other, which is what often happens when you get to know someone through dating. So by the time we became a couple, we really knew each other well, and understood each other in a way that I don't think would have been so easy just dating from the jump.
Ben’s response that one doesn’t need to be financially settled to enter into a dating for marriage relationship may very well be due to the trend within segments of the Orthodox Jewish community to marry very young but rely on continuing parental support until the young couple is able to stand on their own two feet. Having numerous family members in that community, I know that parental support is discussed and agreed upon before the two young people even meet. Obviously this model is not a given for all people within the Orthodox community, but it is not uncommon.
37:00 Is it that men are more interested in sex… or is it that women are more likely to become sexual targets in bars/social settings and they know that..?
Years ago, a friend send me either a drunk text or a text meant to feel like a drunk text saying "I think you r really fit will you go out with of" I just didn't reply and we were fine. I thought it would be too awkward to bring it up, to discuss, he'd not asked in person and obv. if I'd been interested I'd have responded so my lack of response was a no. I just didn't want to add the expereince of having said "no" to him "formally" to our friendship and we carried on being friends just fine - we still are!
Why do people make relationships so difficult? Just treat other people the way you want to be treated, and leave it at that. No need to make life more complicated than it already is.
I maybe just learned the best dating advice from your portion of the video. I also grew up in a conservative religious community and the dating and friendship rules were always so weird to me and made every interaction with opposite sex awkward. Later in life, I’ve learned that I am bi and I always had more romantic relationships with women because we could be friends first Edit: I also want to add, you both seem so thoughtful. It’s really nice to hear.
@@dreye3215 I highly doubt Ben Shapiro, of all people, given the chance, would just keep things a secret and not discuss what specific individual women want or do not want. This dude loves to talk. Makes a living doing it. The real issue, is these little segments are always so one sided. These two kids take words out of context, put words in his mouth, it’s absurd. If they sat down with him, and actually had a discussion, he would eviscerate their childish world views on what they think most men and women desire. Because we know what they desire. It’s been studied for years. I would argue, these two, are speaking for a very small minority of wall flowers and unusual people. There is a normal. Despite what sociologists want to teach us.
People like Ben in that culture are very goal oriented towards marriage so the idea of even dating someone who isn't sure about say ever getting married at all, they need to know upfront so they can immediately move on. For Ben it's obviously about the goal & destination, and not the experience and unknown outcomes.
I’ve been wrestling with this in my own life, and in my experience, I get the best results by being direct about my interest. Even if the answer is no, at least I know I put myself out there. On the flip side, when I’ve tried to “test the waters” first, those dynamics often became strained and awkward. I will always be friendly with the women in my life, even those who have rejected me, but I’m also going to set boundaries, emotional and otherwise.
I’m single after Christian marriage. My Ex said “ he can’t be friends with me to try resolve the marriage “ but that’s what I wanted and needed and hoped for . Now I don’t have a man because some men can’t be friends and often it’s the ones yr interested in 🤷♀️💜🙌🏼 I feel religion actually played a big part in the abuse that was in my marriage and for it’s issues too I know not all but it effects many I believe.🤷♀️
Just watching a few videos of yours I have one 'upset': not letting the clips play long enough before stopping it. It helps me as a listener understand what he is saying in context better.
I was friends with a woman, and admitted I had grown feelings, and was instantly called a creeper and a monster and a lier, that I had started out intending to grow close to get in her pants, while not even at all close in distance... I was really hurt by her and was ONLY telling her cause I was feeling out what I should or shouldn't do! Obviously she didn't reciprocate feelings, and I would have been fine with that, and just stayed friend and been happy to be that! So its not just Benny Shapz who thinks this way!
It would be helpful to hear what the woman has to say about your friendship. Maybe you were being creepy? Maybe she realized that you were just being her friend with the hope of being more than friends? I don't know. But my experience is that a lot of people don't realize when they are being creepy and most people resent people who pursue any relationship with ulterior motives. So, take that for what it's worth.
@@ladyv5655kind of shitty to see someone who had a bad experience and instantly give the benefit of the doubt to the other party who's not even here. Anything is possible, but also the guy said he's "grown feelings" you are allowed to change your mine over time imo.
@@vladys5238 , kind of shi!!y to assume that I must have had a bad experience to think as I do. 2 things, 1st of all, everybody has shi!!y experiences at one time or another. 2nd, my perceptions have been shaped by both my good and my bad experiences. My choices are based on how I believe they will affect me and those I care about. I owe exactly zero to anyone who may have chosen to catch feelings for me when I didn't do the same for him/her. Selfish, maybe. It's also selfish to try to impose your feelings on to a person who doesn't share them and doesn't want them.
@@ladyv5655 i was refering to OP(the person who wroye the comment). They had the shitty experience and you instantly gave the benefit of the doubt to the other party, instead of beginning by exercising some empathy for OP
Ben needs a lot of reassurance in his relationships. That he needs the air-tight borders between him and women outside his marriage. He seems like structures are what keeps a marriage intact and there's some kind of mistrust that that he needs to deal.with in his life.
I mean...no it's a part of his religion which has a high happiness rate when it comes to relationships. They have a very up-front and honest philosophy when it comes to courting and it clearly works. I've seen *actual* distrust from people who have a less structured dating strategy. They start out as bushy-tailed and naive and start dating a guy and they are immediately in a sexual relationship. Then they very quickly form an emotional attachment and...oh the guy screwed them over. Now they have insecurity where there was literally nothing there before. They date again and oo that insecurity is kind of fucking over the relationship and boom! Now there's relationship anxiety. Ben literally has none of that shit because everything was straightforward and commitment focused from the beginning. His religion's version of dating puts a hold on sex, making it less high stakes. They focus on chemistry, values, and goals. Which means that nobody is being taken advantage of and assholes are SUPER easy to weed out.
I do agree that it’s a good idea to take a step back from someone if they’ve turned you down. I had a strong crush on someone last year. We went on a few dates and I thought it would lead to more but then he suddenly told that he’s not looking for a relationship. I was visibly disappointed (tears in my eyes), but he still he wants to continue hanging out as friends and asked if I wanted to come over that same night to watch a movie. I didn’t see much of him for a few weeks and the crush went away. Then he got hired at my company so we would see each other at work. I was fine with it at first but then he started to disrespect my boundaries and it ended with us being on very bad terms and me not being able to be around him at all.
My husband was my best friend for a year and a half before we started dating, we’re coming up on 2 years married 11 years in a relationship, and 12.5 as close friends. That foundation has gotten us through a ton.
@@lawsattitude1999 It's not made up at all, and actually, I've never heard anyone else mention it. Ben went on a long jag about WAP, and claimed that his wife, who is a doctor, told him that Ps don't get wet upon arousal. Do you also believe Ps don't get wet upon arousal? Becaause if so, I've got some bad news for you: you've never turned a woman on. So again, which part of what I said are you denying happened? If you're one of Ben's incel fans, which make up about 73% of his audience, just let me know and I'll leave you alone so I don't further hurt your feelings.
@@lawsattitude1999Unfortunately this isn’t made up, it’s the logical next step from Ben Shapiro’s claims his wife has stated that the vagina shouldn’t get wet, which as a medical doctor, she probably knows that most vaginas naturally lubricate as part of arousal.
Ben's advice makes sense if you think of him from the perspective of having social anxiety. His anxiety comes from his making relationships circle around BRUTAL betrayal for not following his script. He's constantly waiting for that betrayal. That's what you're seeing in his eyes.
When my husband and I met and I was very much in the "I want to be friends right now" camp when he first said hw had feelings for me. This might be because i'm rather demisexual (i did not know this term at the time, of course) but also because when we met, I really did not have many friends. My best friend at college had just dropped out, and i had never managed to really bond with many people i met at college beyond casual acquaintance. So the whole "well i have lots of friends, i don't need another one" statement... oof. My husband, meanwhile, did have a bunch of friends, and when we met i got to know them too. I might've stepped back from dating at first just because i didn't want to potentially wreck up my ability to be friends with all of them if dating him didn't work out (which was probably a false and kind of childish assumption, but that's where my mind was). Lucky for us both we were cool enough to keep chatting long distance for a bit, and after some time i decided that it would be fun to try dating him if he still wanted to, because i really did like him as a person, even if i didn't get immediate sparks-flying romantic and physical attraction. We actually did have very good chemistry and have been together ever since :) we still consider ourselves best friends.
There were studies made with women asking other women to spend the night and the enthusiasm was a lot higher. I think safety was one of the most mentioned things when the women were asked why they said no to a guy.
OMG what horrible advice for the first question!! I've been with my bf, who is my high school sweetheart, for over 17 years now. We became friends and nothing romantic happened between us for over 7 months before we started dating. I'm so glad we took the time to build a solid friendship because now, we still are best friends and really in love. We have lots in common and enjoy each other's presence other than for the more 'romantic' parts of a relationship. And tbh, I need to feel a deep connection with someone before I can be attracted to them in a romantic/sexual way, so nothing would have happened between us had my bf decided to try to go quickly into the relationship to avoid being friendzoned.
@@Niskquintana No, I’m happily in a relationship and not specifically following people to other TH-cam videos to reply to their comments like some losers
@@Corporate_Desecration they casually popped on my for you. I would never be entertained by them but seeing your comment so strongly on these 2 saying nothing. Learn how to become the best version of yourself first, your comments show a lot bro. have a blessed day Mr. smith 😂
Every time I hear dating advice, I'm reminded that my experience with dating is fundamentally different than everyone else because I'm a grey-asexual. I don't understand what normal sexuality is, so I can't tell the difference between someone spitting hard facts and someone who is way off.
This literally sounds like a sixth-grader telling fourth-graders how to be in relationships.
😆😆
Omg cracking up lol. Thanks 😂😂😂
Not at all 😂
his pre pubescent voice as well
Someone still hasn’t let go of their adolescent sense of humor…
Ben Shapiro's opinions are millennia old, so it doesn't matter that the video is 1 year old.
Lol! So true! I wanted to cover my bases tho in case he has changed his opinion on something.
Fair point 😂
Very true
Or that Ben himself is 14 years old
@@DuctTapeJake he must be 14 since he thinks a wet @ss 🙀💦 is automatically an STD that she needs to get checked out.
As someone who is on the asexual spectrum, the idea that I wouldn't be friends with someone before dating them is absolutely insane to me. Not to mention that the idea that you can't be friends with women really feels like you don't think women are people in the same way that men are.
He thinks that women can’t be trusted. Statistically he’s correct.
Yeah, I don't think he's saying that. He's said on several occasions that his wife is his best friend. I think he means in the dating context to be as clear-cut as possible. His sect of Judaism is incredibly structured in its courting procedures essentially to match up values and goals first and then through the process, (which inevitably you'll become friends through the process if it lasts til marriage. As they'll be having high-quality conversations and hanging out together. Which is literally just friendship except there's a possible end goal of marrying and building a life together).
Dating isn't just about sex. But advising that pursuing the friendship first is not a viable and wise path is just silly.
@@Via_The_InternetHE'S NEVER GONNA LET YOU BE HIS SECOND WIFE DUDE LET ALONE A SIDE PIECE
There is a 'spectrum' of asexual? How exactly does that work?
as someone who can't feel sexual attraction unless I'm BFFs with someone, concepts like the friendzone are really gross and harmful. I need to know someone as a friend before dating is ever an option.
100% agree!
Demi?
I'm demi and I'm glad people like Pepino exist, because they sort themselves out just by spouting stuff like this.
Yes as a fellow demi, if someone just randomly asks me out that is a straight out no.
Me too, blind dates are nerve-wracking and I can't imagine being intimate with anyone I don't have close feelings with.
Good god. My husband was my best friend at college before we started dating. Dating and falling in love with him was the most fulfilling, joyful experience in my entire life. I was nervous at first that dating would ruin our friendship, but hubby said "I want to be your friend and your lover." That was the right answer. :). We are still best friends 32 years later.
Also, there's a big difference between "being a friend" and "pretending to be a friend so you can get some tail." Ben is correct that you shouldn't lurk around in the "friend zone" hoping to get lucky. If you like someone, just ask them out. If they say no, move on.
But my parents had an interfaith marriage and were married for 50 years. Jesus.
For Shapiro, religious/political beliefs and core values are the same thing. The dangerous thing is that a person can espouse the same faith creeds but not have the same understanding of kindness, mercy and justice.
How come your advice is the exact opposite of your experience? You said no and he didn't "move on"
@@kevinbissinger I didn't say no. We were making out when I told him that.
@@kevinbissingerhow do you jump from "i was nervous for reason x" to "i said no" 😅
Theres such a thing as a conversation... Or the makeout session OP mentioned 😂
I’m so over the trend of people giving advice on things they have no expertise in. All Ben can speak about authoritatively when it comes to dating is his own experience. There’s absolutely no reason to think it will apply to anyone else.
And it's just terrible advice to begin with
Unless there is a false religion involved that you have to desperately maintain due to social/regional pressures or whatever else.
It's especially weird when he talks about what women feel and experience, with no sources to back it up of course. His background is in political science and law, so... that hardly qualifies him to talk about the female mind.
He's just drawing on the old implied trope of "women are emotional and need relationship and protection which makes them GREAT at being mothers and taking on all unpaid family responsibility and emotional labour with no real authority, thank you for volunteering I know you won't say no" as contrasted with "men are rational, can separate from their emotions, they have Cold Hard Rationality with zero emotional empathy which innately excuses their mistreatment and objectification of women but paradoxically makes them worthy leaders without needing to earn it because big rational brain, no emotional empathy to 'cloud' their judgement from the Hard Choices of what Must Be Done".
I'm getting really, really tired of those harmful tropes.
You should only take advice from ho3s. Deciding how many cats you’ll have must be addressed as well when dealing with the modern woman’s future.
@@zodfanza
I predict you’ll have three cats and will be buying the big box of Zin.
I love the insecurity and emotional illiteracy of Ben's advice. My wife, of 16 years, are not of the same religion but early on in our relationship, we established that we wanted a long-term relationship/marriage and that we had the same values. I even became good friends with her ex-boyfriend and had many single female friends, and she had lots of male friends. Since we communicated openly, there was never jealousy. It's sad that people like Ben don't know how to enjoy relationships, romantic or platonic, with people of another gender (or their preferred gender).
Im only 18 but my boyfriend of 4 years is christian and I'm not im also vegan and hes not and we don't let these things get in the way of our relationship and its Completely hwalthy he agrees to eat vegan food with me sometimes and I let him talk about his beliefs it can be Completely healthy
The truth is that some relationship thrive when "unevenly yoked" (it's a xtian concept about not being with someone who doesn't share your faith) because then the relationship isn't an echo chamber and diversity of opinion and view are just as much building blocks as anything else.
😅😊😊j
Theres exceptions to a rule, you are one of those
I'd personally rather date someone who stans a different K-Pop group than I do. But I wouldn't want to date someone who had a religion or that is a theist. different favorite colors, cool. different favorite foods, dope. different races, nice. those are interesting differences.
Hey, FYI, the study he mentioned about sending men and women to proposition people for one night stands in a bar, per your question? They also tested propositioning men with men and women with women, and the women's response rate was comparable to the men's in a queer context. And one of the reasons that people gave was that men tend to be selfish or unskilled lovers if not with a long time partner, as well as yes, safety concerns.
Oh! Thank you so much! Yep - that’s kinda what I guessed. Funny how he doesn’t mention that part of the study.
Most men just don't know how to work a vagina/other erogenous zones, just use one as a fleshlight, I guess.
@@theantibot yeah, it might have been a followup or something? But I remember reading it several years back, it wasn't like... just a simple "Would you like a one night stand, check yes or no." They had a whole debrief survey regardless of the answer cuz they were... you know, social scientists, interested in studying human mating behavior.
If you see someone and want to talk to them because they're sexually attractive (and have no interest in being friends with them) it's because you want a sexual relationship with them not a romantic one. Also, I don't see how someone would not be mentally healthy enough to be friends with a woman but would be mentally healthy enough to date one. Sounds like someone willing to traumatize a woman for his own sexual gratification.
Right?
Yep
Absolutely agreed and well said. Thing is people need to understand that in order to date someone, you need to see if they are mentally healthy to appreciate you as an individual first. Dating is all about mutually loving and respecting each other while knowing each other well. If you can form healthy genuine friendships with the opposite gender, you can very much date them.
Ben Shapiro says: women need to be comfortable for sex, they don't want one night stands.
What he misses is that men, in the USA, are almost innately comfortable, whether in a bar or going to some stranger's place. Guys are raised here to think they are competent and have the answers and solutions. Women are often questioned so much, they may just stop talking and alway feel like they are wrong. Women are primed to be uncomfortable in the outside world.
I have many women friends who have had flings. Most of them were in the military and are NOT worried about getting hurt. They usually have flings with guys they could bench press.
It's not about lack of interest, it's a lot about RISK, and comfort. Women ha a lot more at risk, health wise. Pair that with socializing that makes men overly confident and women UNDERconfident, and it makes sense why no ladies (in a single study of 100) want a one night stand.
It's also about lack of interest. I'm a woman and I have zero interest in sex with men (I do have mostly older guys as friends though).
Yh Ben IS making another Statement that leads me to the conclusion that i must be some weird abberation. Cuz Dude, Most women i know have had flings, including me, it's Just that we tend to be more selective. My flings were with Guys i Had Seen before, at Parties where i felt Safe. Never in a Club with a Stranger. Not because of Lack of interest but because Ive been socialised that hooking Up in a club is
A) slutty
B) Dangerous
I simply never wanted to risk going with some cute, suave stranger to a place i didnt know to have a maybe mediocre experience. The risk and the benefits simply dont match up.
@@cerberaodollam Your lack of sexual interest isn't common in women tho.
That’s a lot of cope foe the gross worldwide underachievement of your gender.
OMG i feel emotionally stunted from my conservative dating upbringing and it makes dating so much scarier than it should be. 😭😭
Me too. Even having a crush on someone seemed wrong and shameful, and I had(still have a little bit)a crippling inferiority complex.
Fkn fundamentalism 🤮
“Dehumanizing way of looking at women” describes our whole society very well
Are men really humanized?
@@jice7074 men are also dehumanize in our society in many instances. However, women are ALWAYS dehumanize
No. Just the conservative corner of it. But it has certainly done some damage.
It's actually just as dehumanizing to men to tell them that they can only find validation in romantic partnerships. That just being friends isn't enough.
I think slut shaming also plays a big role in women being less interested in casual sex than men. It can be very socially risky for women to own their sexuality in the setting of a purity culture influenced society
yeah, there are a lot of reasons women are less likely to be interested in straight hookups. There's always the safety factor when it comes to strangers, as well as the fact that a lot of men don't.. prioritize women's pleasure in sex so a lot of women feel like a hook-up is a lot of risk and effort for possibly/probably not even getting to orgasm.
I definitely feel like the willingness to hook up is proportionately higher in lesbians/among sapphic couplings in general which sorta points to all these issues.
@@amberbydreamsart5467probably why the lesbian U-haul is an actual joke/trope because women aren't so nervous about other women.
Strongly agreed. The purity culture in society can cause issues like making people especially women unable to express themselves fully. Also , safety, comfort and understanding is very important in those situations, no matter what. As a man myself, I tend to keep important things in mind regardless if I'm willing to do something casual or serious.
First happy anniversary Drew & Taylor!! I met my wife October 11, 1996 and I was not interested in a romantic relationship at the time, so we started as just friends. July 4, 1997 I realized I was falling in love with her and asked her to be my girlfriend, she said yes. We ended up moving in together on August 1, 1997. We lived together in love and arguments with each other, and I proposed to her feeling very secure, for the first time ever, in my choice to do that. We got married January 22, 1999 and were together through both great and bad times growing stronger in love. June 7, 2022 Kerri and I professed our love to and for each other in the presence of her parents and brother for the last time, and I held her hand for the last 8 hours of her life. I'm still very much in love with her, so Ben's advice is not absolute.
I'm so sorry for your loss. How tragic.
@@kirstencorby8465 thank you
Life is grim. Its not good or bad. It just is. Also, given that temperament is innate, theres not much you can do about the trajectory of your grief. All the studies show you end up back where you were after about five years. If you know this at the beginning it makes it easier to handle. If that's important to you. It can also be a source of strength
I wasn’t expecting to cry today.
But, I’m okay with it. 😭
💜Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story, and I’m so sorry your beloved wife is no longer with you. 💜
@@Ashaliyeva Thank you for your empathy and appreciation of mine and Kerri's love story. The picture to the left is of Kerri and I early in our marriage.
Things Ben Shapiro talks about with his wife:
Their kids
The life they’re building
The Bible
Entertainment options
48:23
@hanakotlarova6107 Technically. In practice he isn't any different from an Evangelical aside from the little cap on his head.
My life became drastically richer when I started treating each relationship of mine as unique. Relationships are fluid, the ebb and flow and just let them evolve naturally.
I've had great friendships turn into relationships and great relationships turn into friendships. Each relationship requires something different and learning about yourself and those you spend your time with is a wonderful experience.
Also, as a Pansexual, if I couldn't befriend someone I am possibly attracted to, I'd be deeply lonely.
As usual, great work, both of you！
Very well said! ❤
@@montanahelton1272 thank you! Took a lot of work and introspection to get here-- but Taylor and Drew both really helped.
I’m close friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends and and it drives me crazy when I hear people banging on about how you can’t be friends with an ex when you’re in a new relationship - that it’s disrespectful to the new partner.
❤ Totally agree
@@Katie2986 just 😒
I can be friends with whoever I and the other person wants. Having sex, date or even being a long term relationship does not make impossible to be friends after. I do not even get why people think it does
For about 10 seconds I was in agreement with Ben... if a man wants to date a woman he shouldn't try and becomes friends as some kind of slow play tactic to becoming a boyfriend. If you like someone you should tell them... if being "just friends" hurts you emotionally because you desire to be more, then you shouldn't be close with that person. And attempting to con a woman to be with you by being a "friend" first, means there is something wrong with you. Basically everything else he says is BS.
I agree. My issue with the way that men who do decide they want to date women they are friends with is that they are typified as creeps or fake friends. You can't really know you want to date someone outside of finding them physically attractive until you get to know them. Sometime without you knowing, feelings develop and bam, this person you are friends with makes your knees turn to jello when she says hi.
One of the problems I have with discussions like this is there is no talk of it also being a woman's responsibility to express interest. She's some passive leaf in the breeze who is acted on by a man's desire for her. She must also know if a guy she meets is attractive to her right? Why are we putting all of the pressure on the man to put all of his cards on the table or figure everything out?
@@eznosnopes5276 yes to all of this
It's pretty gutsy for a man with a voice like a cartoon character to give dating advice.
Could you please explain your comment?
@@tanizakihe sounds absolutely ridiculous and that doesn't help the fact that his advice is absolutely ridiculous
@@tanizaki Which part was difficult for you to understand?
He sounds like he's being played on 1.25 speed.
@@kirstencorby8465 More like 1.5 lol.
Marriage in reality is no different from just living together Ben, the piece of paper doesn't actually do anything magical or special. Absolutely nothing changes from the day before to the day after your wedding because marriage is are not magic. Living together before and after the wedding means absolutely nothing Ben, all it does is give you a better view of what you're getting yourself into and gives you the opportunity to really evaluate if that's what you want. Living together before marriage gives you a better insight as to what you are getting yourself into and it makes you more informed and it causes you to have a far more informed decision if you do decide to get married. Ben why are you so against informed decisions.
me having not at all watched the video: I'm just gonna assume it's because if his wife had had a clue as to what he was like before marrying him she wouldn't have married him,
Absolutely. I remember at my wedding being asked so many times, "How does it feel to be married?" My answer every time was, "The same as before."
@@austin.luther absolutely nothing different
I know someone who got married multiple times. She said that if she lived with them first. She would never have married them. Living together helps to see if you're truly compatible.
What people seem to forget: a wedding is the ceremony around signing a contract that defines who gets your stuff when you die. The romantic idea is very very young. Marriages, especially the religious ones were never meant to have anything to do with compatibility or love or anything. It was always about children/ lineage and stuff/ money.
That's not inherently bad,I even think it's a good idea as it prevents people from being at each others throats about that nice ring or that watch... Mostly.
But it's not being married that makes a good couple, it's what makes us emotionally mature enough to live and love another human being. That's like saying good people are only good because they will be punished otherwise. Just...no. bad people might be kept in check with that, that doesn't make them good.
I was best friends with my husband before getting married. We stayed married for 22 years 8 months before he died 3 weeks ago. I believe two people should be friends before getting into a serious relationship (including marriage). Most of the people I know that were friends with their spouse before marriage are either still married OR are bestfriends with their ex- after their divorce. Just my experience.
Sorry for your loss
i’m so sorry for your loss
Once someone asked me on a date, I said I wasn't interested, then they said why don't we go out just to see if we might be interested in each other and if nothing else it could just be a nice way to spend some time. I said okay because I was on the fence, thought I could potentially be interested. At one point in the date they very forwardly asked to go have sex with me. I said no. They said I had wasted their time.
I felt like shit because I stupidly thought someone would enjoy just spending time with me under the pretense of we're deciding if we're interested in each other and if not it's okay.
I also felt like maybe I had made a social mistake, like maybe "I'm not interested but I'll still go on a date to see if I might be" translates to "I'm not interested romantically but I am interested sexually" but I talked with some friends who said they'd never assume someone wants to jump in bed with them just because that person's on a date with them.
Holy shit that person was an utter piece of garbage. 0_o
Also, THEY MANIPULATED YOU! They said it wouldn't be a date and there was no pressure for more, but then accused you of wasting their time. A complete weirdo!
As an aromatic, I'm never going to love a video on dating lol. I have a MAJOR problem with the concept of "friendzone" like "what, being friends is inherently bad? Dude, I LOVE my friends. If you're my friend, that's special". On the same lines, I HATEHATEHATE the language of "more than friends"/"just friends". I may not give hearts and roses but I LOVE my friends so fiercely, how DARE you trivialise my feelings and say that is lesser
I'm also aromantic. I'm also asexual.
I feel like you are imprinting your own feelings about friends onto other people when they say that, at least that’s how I’m interpreting your comment. To most people that are not aromantic, we tend to have stronger emotions associated with our romantic partners than our friends. Don’t get me wrong, we still feel strongly about our friends. When I was little I used to be very timid and didn’t want to do anything bad that would disappoint my parents, but when a kid started messing with my friend I was wholeheartedly ready to fight someone 2 feet taller than myself if it meant helping my friend out. With romantic partners, we tend to just have this extra element to it that’s hard to describe that adds on to this. So when people say “we’re just friends” they are talking about themselves, and most people get what they mean. They are not calling you out and saying that you don’t feel as strongly as they do towards the people you care about just because you have “just friends”.
@@_Sloppyham This. I'm fiercely loving, loyal, and protective of my friends, but a romantic element is alchemic-it's intimacy of a different degree and sensation. In this, the so-called "friendzone" is a legitimate (and often torturous) problem if you want or need something different/more from that person than wonderfully close friendship. Realizing my (newly encountered!) emotions clearly surpassed what I had known as "friendship" was how I realized I wasn't actually ace.
People have a right to think other people's values are lesser. Live and let live but making judgment calls is a part of life
@@jice7074 so you think slavery's okay? It's perfectly fine to think that some people are lesser?
About that hookup study ... there was a followup where they took people's sexuality into account and got a lot more follow-up information from the people who were approached, and it absolutely was the case that men were seen as more dangerous than women. The part that stood out in my memory was that gay men felt *more comfortable accepting a sexual overture from an unvetted woman* (who they aren't especially attracted to) than from an unvetted man (who representsa threat). It's a wonderful follow-up study - definitely worth looking up, if you're interested.
Citation needed.
Honestly in the "dating is not fun" call, I think "fun" is a euphemism for "sex" lol
The whole piece about how women need that emotional relationship is basically saying "a woman can consent but she doesn't really know that she doesn't actually want sex". He's saying that any woman who says she wants just sex is deluded by these "feminist lies about consent". That she doesn't actually want sex, she wants a relationship, and it's the responsibility of a man to not give in to her consent because he knows best that she'll be happier with sex within marriage
SO gross, the unmitigated patriarch-ity of it all
Which is oerfect for ben because sex being fun isn't ever an important part of the equation- for her. But by the time she figures that out she's trapped and it's a sin to leave.
@@amberinthemist7912
Because his whole sex life is obvious based on a couple of excerpts you’ve seen from him?
That’s incredibly hilarious.
@@presentfuture7563 Well you could see it as patriarchal but he would also say that the man is also "damaging" himself. In his world view, having random sex isn't conducive to forming stable marriages or even morally a good thing.
This is a nice distillation. So creepy. So … narcissistic.
Omg. He generalizes so much. I’m female and I like sex with no strings. I have had to communicate with men so that they understand my perspective and don’t get hurt.
He does and it's because he feels that there's only one way of doing things because that's what his religion says
Sure yeah, communication is key and just because he's referencing a general rule doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. However, I've seen a lot of women close to me get hurt because they start a FWB and then "catch feelings" with a guy who has made it clear from the beginning that he doesn't want a relationship. Then that shit crashes and burns leading to more insecurity, anxiety, etc about relationships and men.
@@Via_The_InternetHe isn't referencing a general rule, he's just referring to stereotypes he beliefs that aren't backed by any science at all. Also, you talked about your experiences, but the amount of women you have met in your life is less than 0.00001% of the entire female population in the world.
Everyone is different. I am a dude but end up falling when I do no strings lol. I did end up remaining friends with one. However my gf got jealous and didn't approve of staying friends.
Communication is key. As I wouldn't mind an eventual relationship and if that was no with me I would reject you and move on
Anyone who believes there is a "friend zone" is not someone who can behave as an adult.
I always felt icky about the idea without really knowing how to put it into the words. Another TH-camr put it this way: "If you complain that you've been friend-zoned, then admit that you f@ck-zoned the person."
@@Saezimmerman yeah... I got into an argument about the friend zone and whether or not it actually exists... my point is that it does, but only for teens. For people that don't understand how relationships are meant to work and are trying to figure it out and people that haven't figured out how to communicate boundaries and desires it exists. If an adult thinks it exists then they never matured past the relationship skills of a highschooler.
@@SaezimmermanThat's a good one!
Taylor - your husband needs to lead some men’s commences lol. Teach them about emotional intelligence and so on and so forth
Some of my most meaningful relationships were short lived but we continued to be friends. I would never give up those experiences, ever! It only added growth perspective.
Some of the things Ben says, I agree with on the surface, but you guys are good at looking at what he’s saying in the full context of his work, and pointing out problems that I might not have noticed. That’s why I appreciate reaction videos from you guys.
"Dryer than the sahara desert" took me out 💀
I think you are right, it is very hard for them to see these relationship scenarios outside of their religious perspective.
Because he doesn't see it as a relationship he sees it as a directive and an obligation from his religion
Only fringe religions truly advocate what he is espousing. How much of this is his religion, and how much of this is his stunted emotional growth and lack of worldly experience?
I'm always amazed how Ben Shapiro acts so confident and answers each and every question, giving advice no less, basically without thinking about it first, if only for moment. He's the know-it-all-type his tribe actually warns us about in regards of science based knowledgable people who actually are experts in their fields, but they, Shapiro's camp, don't believe a word they say.
I have no issue with folks discussing what works for them and what they think the right path is. But his approach is very … cringy and advocating a fringe view of relationships that is just plainly juvenile and wrong. I supposed the bit that makes it most ridicule-able is the framing it as not a discussion, but a decree from Shapiro, the "authority."
Nearly every answer is “be the man and ask her out, don’t be friends with women, and don’t do the deed before marriage.” How often does he even need to think anyways?
Only losers find confidence off putting.
@@alwaysright3943 Well, I like confidence that's backed up by actual substance. Not _acting_ confident without actual knowledge.
@@chutspe In the case of relationships, his marriage is going on 15 years and he has 4 kids. I’d call that pretty successful so far.
31:57 I think it was more of a Freudian slip. He said dating to have fun means you have no care or compassion. Which implies that he maybe thinks care and compassion isn't fun? Fun in his definition might equate to emotional disregard for the other person. This is pretty consistent with the Christian idea that if there's fun it means it's sinful and therefore there must be no care or compassion. Or that if you hadn't thought about marriage then there must be no care or compassion. Framing it this way actually helped me to make sense of why anything that doesn't fit into the dating for marriage category is treated with contempt in religion. But it does make you wonder why they think it's more important to "ask a girl out" before you work on being friends. Is it because if you find out later that their values are different you can always try to change them? Is that really care and compassion? It also doesn't sound like much fun either.
It is not a Christian idea that fun is sinful. It is a Christian idea that it's not okay to have fun at the expense of another person or of your own values. However, exploiting someone or violating your own values is what many people call "letting your hair down and just having fun" and THAT is what Christians reject.
Loved your point about marriage not always being the point of dating. I remember my dad expressing loneliness in the years after my parents divorce. He often said that he just wanted someone to go to the movies with him.
As an adult, I feel like his willingness to date casually for the fun of it really helped him heal from losing his marriage in a way my mother never did.
I just started dating someone and we have so much in common and similar life experiences except she believes in ghosts and astrology. As a materialist that doesn’t bother me in the slightest because it’s not malignant, hateful or oppressive beliefs like Ben has
Thank you for acknowledging that the occult isn’t inherently malignant or dooming someone to invariable ignorance
Lmao that first burn, you already got me hooked!
That was my takeaway from his WAP rant as well.
Love these break-downs.
Me and my wife were friends for two years first, lovers for 23 years after that, and counting. I honestly can't imagine how to be married long time without being friends. That said though, Ben's first comment seems to be about being friends as a sort of 'tactic' to pursue a woman. That, I agree, is a bad idea. It's also can't say anything about the virtue of being friends, as friends do not do this cruel thing to each other.
The thing about being lovers with your friend is that you have this relationship already in which you can say things to each other, you already have this rapport of honesty. Also, it's easier to deal with moments where 'the spark is gone' - it doesn't have to be 'romantic' all of the time: you're still buddies and can do fun things together, and can have good talks and explore the world together. The spark will return.
"Being in a relationship is mostly being friends" thats so true. You're only being physical a small amount of the time, most of the time you're just around that person, talking and hanging out just like friends do.
But if you're interested in a relationship and the other person isn't. You may leave and not settle for friendship.
"I don't mean votes Republican...Conservative values on gender." Dafuq!
My oldest friend is a woman. We've been close friends since elementary school. Everyone thought we would end up married, but neither of us felt that way towards each other. We even ended up attending each other's wedding. Both our spouses are now friends and we often all hang out together, and couldn't be happier.
Thanks for the early access. He is as cringe for relationships as I feared.
Totally cringe!
That one guy that called in and said he got rejected, and Ben said no don't continue to be friends... I think Ben gave good advice in that case. If he was calling because he was confused still about how he felt about being rejected and still being friends, then I'd say that most likely that caller is not ready to be friends with that woman. He'll be thinking about it and will become resentful after he sees her in another relationship. It's best that he just stays away until he's mature enough to be able to move past that kind of feeling.
Incels giving dating advice? What a world we live in!
How is Ben an incel when he's married??? Stop over using words when they don't apply. He's a moron, a grifter, an idiot, but he's not an incel.
Of course because his wife has that DAP instead of WAP
my husband and I were best friends in college. platonic FRIENDS. we were in the same friend group and hung out and shared deep dark feelings and secrets and THAT'S HOW WE STARTED TO FALL IN LOVE. THROUGH FRIENDSHIP. I wouldn't be married to him if we had tried traditional dating. we never had a first date, it all just happened because we got drunk at a party and realized we had feelings for each other. And now I can't imagine my life without him.
"Dating is not fun" is wild
Ben is way too confident in the bad advice he shouldn't be giving.
Don't trust somebody who uses the word always in regards to human behavior.
18:13 I’m demisexual and romantic, I literally have no attraction to people until I get to know them. The job thing is such an unfair comparison in the way he put it. It would be more like if you open a business with your friend and not so much like hiring your friend because you need to fill a job if that makes sense. That’s how it works in my mind anyway, there wouldn’t be a ‘job opening’ if that friend weren’t there in the first place. I’m sure different people think of it differently
Isn’t “companionate” love actually FRIENDSHIP?!
I would hope so.
Yes
Yup.
Could there also be a romantic attraction be there without sexual attraction
My wife is Christian and I'm agnostic. But we care about the same things so our difference in spirituality never causes problems.
Is this a “how to be an incel” segment from Ben’s show?
Nah, that comes from mainstream dating advice
My ex and I stayed friends after and it wasn't at all awkward. He asked me out once or twice again throughout, I asked him out at one point, and we both turned each other down because of timing and because we just weren't feeling a relationship in general at that time respectively. Now we are dating again, 10 years later, because we were in a place where we wanted to try it again.
It's funny, he starts it out saying being upfront is the most important thing in a relationship, but then he assumes that the woman won't tell the guy if it's too awkward to remain friends. The only universal rule to dating that I've found is that, if you are looking for an emotional connection, talking more is typically better than talking less. Outside of that advice like this is always going to fall short for someone lol
Drew makes such a good point (at about 38 mins) that language exists and even if men and women approach sex and dating differently on an instinctive level, then we are capable of having a conversation where we each hear the other's thoughts and then decide together if we're aligned enough to have a relationship. We have these wonderful technologies of communication and it doesn't hurt to use them.
This really made me laugh. "He's saying that we can either talk about marriage or we can't talk at all."
For a moment I was wondering if I have the video on 1.25x or 1.5x speed... BTW, on 0.75x speed Ben starts to sound normal 😂, excluding the content of what he says...
I'm asexual. The only relationship I really can have is friend.
Not necessarily. I'm Ace, and I can do romantic relationships (they're really nice when they work), with zero sex.
If you don't feel romance either, then you're AroAce on top of regular Ace. :P
I am Ace but I am married. So I guess... that's my marriage friend!
I am also demiromantic, which I feel compliments my asexuality.
The way my uncultured ass had to google "why does ben shapiro wear a little hat?" and JUST KNOW found out about yarmulkes...feeling so dumb right now!!
I always hate arguments by analogy, except when they reveal something about the person making the argument.
So, when ben says the right way to start a long-term marriage is by acting like you own a business and you're hiring an employee rather than friends deciding whether or not to start a business together, he's saying a lot more than he meant to.
Storytime! I thought I had a great guy friend. Until 2 years into the friendship he tried to kiss me. I was shocked and laughed it off. He never answered any of my calls or texts ever again. We were both in our 30s.
Which is why I agree with Ben that intentions need to be made in the beginning. A friendship that really is a relationship in the other person's head is a lie and flawed. Maybe alcohol could have played a role and he was embarrassed?
Did you have a crush on him?
Anyone name-dropping joe rogan is immediately untrustworthy. 17:40
I don't get this whole "friend zone" idea... Like, oh no, how terrible! You have a friend! What could be worse than that? 🙄
I sometimes say that if it weren't for "the friend zone," I might not have any friends at all 😅
"This video is over a year old so Ben's opinions may have changed". Respectfully: hahahahahaha, Ben's opinions changing, that's funny
My husband and I were friends first and We have been married for 30 years. The foundation you build helps later. If you go into a relationships you want long term, sex first, you risk not knowing who they really are.
love the acknowledgment that polyamorous people exist from you guys ❤ there are so many ways to relate to other people and it doesn’t have to be in the monogamous heteronormative way conservatives are so obsessed with
I really appreciated 🥹
I fear it could be jealousy manifesting as a feeling of unfairness that they had to (and often still have to) closet themselves while others do not. Be free and stop hating for others what you don’t want to give to yourself. You can discuss factually deeply studied pros and cons without harboring religiously indoctrinated or culturally inculcated hate.
I knew a bunch of polys. Now I know three single mothers. Those guys were long gone before the births.
@@keithb6717 poly does not deny or neutralize patriarchy. Men are still in a position of power and are statistically more inclined to do harm (like in this case)
@@anainesgonzalez8868
Patriarchy? You’re one of those, eh? Do you realize how stupid you sound to an educated woman?
They’re strong independent women who made bad irrational decisions like women often do.
Did you know that when you spread your legs that pregnancy is a possibility?
Did you know that having sex with several different people increases said risk?
Been loving the long videos with drew. It’s the perfect background noise for drawing ☺️
Bro same
Benji's flaming hypocrisy is on open display around 10:00
He starts talking about "being in a rut" and how that's problematic in relationships; how many decades has Ben been stuck in the same self-justification loops of his religious nonsense? Answer: his entire life, he's absolutely incapable of even the most basic understanding of any viewpoint outside his own.
Benji's entire worldview, is comprised of Strawman Fallacy understanding of all other worldviews; he has Never shown the slightest comprehension of any point that wasn't in support of his Preconceptions about what Answers to give.
Ben is a Prime Example, of what Intellectual Stagnation looks like.
Take this from somebody that made a lot of mistakes in relationships. I think I was friend zoned quite a bit because I didn't let the other person know that I was interested soon enough (because I was afraid of rejection). Things can become creepy if you keep things buried and the other person can kind of pick up on it I think eventually it's just not healthy and wastes a lot of people's time.
I can't be friends with a romantic interest if the feelings aren't mutual. At least it would take a while to be friends again.
That's not the friend zone.
It's really cruddy to only be interested in women because you want a relationship with them. That's not treating women as equal individuals that really is treating women as objects because it's saying that she's not valuable unless you're dating her. It is really really crappy to know that someone only wants to talk to you because they want something more from you not because they genuinely enjoy you as a person they only see you as an object. I want to have conversations with people and I want to form friendships with people and I don't want it to be because they have additional motives. If I find out someone is only my friend because they wanted to get with me that is absolutely heartbreaking because it says I'm not worth someone else's time if they can't get in my pants.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite I think I agree with all your points. I don't believe that was the only reason why I wanted to be friends with certain people but that certainly was the case with some. And I do regret it and I ended up being very unhappy for a long time until I figured that out. Thankfully, now that I'm much older, I understand a lot of that.
My point I think was that I was trying to say people should be honest if they're interested and not pretend to just want to be friends. It's also difficult to be friends with someone who you have them rejected by, not that they did anything wrong, it takes time. Thankfully I'm not dating anymore I'm happily married and don't have to worry about this anymore but I was trying to save some people some grief that's all.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite Agreed, I've had that happen to me a couple times, and it's heartbreaking. I thought you were my true friend, but no, you just wanted some pussy. So dehumanizing.
@@UlexiteTVStoneLexite That's not what he said though. He said that you should be upfront if you're interested in dating instead of pretending to want to be friends. You can be friends with women, but not as a disguise for romantic interest.
I also agree with him on that it's really hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for. I am a bi woman, and fell in love with a straight friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years now, and it still hurts even though I know nothing can happen there. So I would definitely try to avoid being friends with people you're romantically interested in, it sucks.
@@Xizile93 that is still viewing the person as an object and not as a person. That is still only viewing the person as a worthy conversation all because you want something more from them. That is so crappy that's telling the person they aren't worth the other person's time unless they can get something more out of. That is so so disheartening to hear about. It is so so crushing to know that someone only wants to be with you because they want more from you than what you are. That is so credit to not want to be friends with somebody just because they're not interested in you. That is so disrespectful to them as a human being.
the worst she could say is no is a goddamn lie their are many worse things she could say
Hold on, I must say: being friends first is possibly the BEST way to go into a relationship. I was just friends with my girlfriend for years, and because we were only friends, we weren't as worried about showing our best side to each other or presenting in a way to appeal to each other, which is what often happens when you get to know someone through dating. So by the time we became a couple, we really knew each other well, and understood each other in a way that I don't think would have been so easy just dating from the jump.
Lmao at “You’re in serious danger of being friend zoned.” Ben Shapiro is truly 14.
Ben’s response that one doesn’t need to be financially settled to enter into a dating for marriage relationship may very well be due to the trend within segments of the Orthodox Jewish community to marry very young but rely on continuing parental support until the young couple is able to stand on their own two feet. Having numerous family members in that community, I know that parental support is discussed and agreed upon before the two young people even meet. Obviously this model is not a given for all people within the Orthodox community, but it is not uncommon.
I think your assessment of that comment is accurate. Jewish culture and many others traditions encourage arranged marriage
You can kill a friendship asking a friend out that way. It's a lot to get around sometimes.
37:00
Is it that men are more interested in sex… or is it that women are more likely to become sexual targets in bars/social settings and they know that..?
that was the most ben shapiro i've ever been exposed to in one sitting. i feel so dirty.
Years ago, a friend send me either a drunk text or a text meant to feel like a drunk text saying "I think you r really fit will you go out with of" I just didn't reply and we were fine. I thought it would be too awkward to bring it up, to discuss, he'd not asked in person and obv. if I'd been interested I'd have responded so my lack of response was a no. I just didn't want to add the expereince of having said "no" to him "formally" to our friendship and we carried on being friends just fine - we still are!
Why do people make relationships so difficult? Just treat other people the way you want to be treated, and leave it at that. No need to make life more complicated than it already is.
I maybe just learned the best dating advice from your portion of the video. I also grew up in a conservative religious community and the dating and friendship rules were always so weird to me and made every interaction with opposite sex awkward. Later in life, I’ve learned that I am bi and I always had more romantic relationships with women because we could be friends first
Edit: I also want to add, you both seem so thoughtful. It’s really nice to hear.
My husband and I were friends for years before we decided to be a couple. It has only made our relationship better than it otherwise would have been.
I hate how he just assumes what women want, and uses that to disregard their interest in casual relationships. It's so paternalistic.
@@LongPipe Even if what you're saying was true, it still wouldn't be an excuse to not just ask them.
@@dreye3215 I highly doubt Ben Shapiro, of all people, given the chance, would just keep things a secret and not discuss what specific individual women want or do not want. This dude loves to talk. Makes a living doing it.
The real issue, is these little segments are always so one sided. These two kids take words out of context, put words in his mouth, it’s absurd. If they sat down with him, and actually had a discussion, he would eviscerate their childish world views on what they think most men and women desire. Because we know what they desire. It’s been studied for years.
I would argue, these two, are speaking for a very small minority of wall flowers and unusual people. There is a normal. Despite what sociologists want to teach us.
@@LongPipe What use does the concept of "normal" have outside of letting you make assumptions about people, and letting you feel superior to others?
People like Ben in that culture are very goal oriented towards marriage so the idea of even dating someone who isn't sure about say ever getting married at all, they need to know upfront so they can immediately move on. For Ben it's obviously about the goal & destination, and not the experience and unknown outcomes.
I’ve been wrestling with this in my own life, and in my experience, I get the best results by being direct about my interest. Even if the answer is no, at least I know I put myself out there. On the flip side, when I’ve tried to “test the waters” first, those dynamics often became strained and awkward. I will always be friendly with the women in my life, even those who have rejected me, but I’m also going to set boundaries, emotional and otherwise.
every single time I hear his voice all I can think of is some cartoony old timey villain XD
"Dating is not fun." How did this man ever even get married??
Because if you ignore everything but his looks, he’s pretty cute
I’m single after Christian marriage. My Ex said “ he can’t be friends with me to try resolve the marriage “ but that’s what I wanted and needed and hoped for . Now I don’t have a man because some men can’t be friends and often it’s the ones yr interested in 🤷♀️💜🙌🏼 I feel religion actually played a big part in the abuse that was in my marriage and for it’s issues too I know not all but it effects many I believe.🤷♀️
Just watching a few videos of yours I have one 'upset': not letting the clips play long enough before stopping it. It helps me as a listener understand what he is saying in context better.
Happy Anniversary, Taylor and Drew! 🎉
I was friends with a woman, and admitted I had grown feelings, and was instantly called a creeper and a monster and a lier, that I had started out intending to grow close to get in her pants, while not even at all close in distance... I was really hurt by her and was ONLY telling her cause I was feeling out what I should or shouldn't do! Obviously she didn't reciprocate feelings, and I would have been fine with that, and just stayed friend and been happy to be that! So its not just Benny Shapz who thinks this way!
It would be helpful to hear what the woman has to say about your friendship. Maybe you were being creepy? Maybe she realized that you were just being her friend with the hope of being more than friends? I don't know. But my experience is that a lot of people don't realize when they are being creepy and most people resent people who pursue any relationship with ulterior motives. So, take that for what it's worth.
@@ladyv5655kind of shitty to see someone who had a bad experience and instantly give the benefit of the doubt to the other party who's not even here. Anything is possible, but also the guy said he's "grown feelings" you are allowed to change your mine over time imo.
@@vladys5238 , kind of shi!!y to assume that I must have had a bad experience to think as I do. 2 things, 1st of all, everybody has shi!!y experiences at one time or another. 2nd, my perceptions have been shaped by both my good and my bad experiences. My choices are based on how I believe they will affect me and those I care about. I owe exactly zero to anyone who may have chosen to catch feelings for me when I didn't do the same for him/her. Selfish, maybe. It's also selfish to try to impose your feelings on to a person who doesn't share them and doesn't want them.
@@ladyv5655 i was refering to OP(the person who wroye the comment). They had the shitty experience and you instantly gave the benefit of the doubt to the other party, instead of beginning by exercising some empathy for OP
Ben needs a lot of reassurance in his relationships. That he needs the air-tight borders between him and women outside his marriage. He seems like structures are what keeps a marriage intact and there's some kind of mistrust that that he needs to deal.with in his life.
I mean...no it's a part of his religion which has a high happiness rate when it comes to relationships. They have a very up-front and honest philosophy when it comes to courting and it clearly works. I've seen *actual* distrust from people who have a less structured dating strategy. They start out as bushy-tailed and naive and start dating a guy and they are immediately in a sexual relationship. Then they very quickly form an emotional attachment and...oh the guy screwed them over. Now they have insecurity where there was literally nothing there before. They date again and oo that insecurity is kind of fucking over the relationship and boom! Now there's relationship anxiety.
Ben literally has none of that shit because everything was straightforward and commitment focused from the beginning. His religion's version of dating puts a hold on sex, making it less high stakes. They focus on chemistry, values, and goals. Which means that nobody is being taken advantage of and assholes are SUPER easy to weed out.
I do agree that it’s a good idea to take a step back from someone if they’ve turned you down. I had a strong crush on someone last year. We went on a few dates and I thought it would lead to more but then he suddenly told that he’s not looking for a relationship. I was visibly disappointed (tears in my eyes), but he still he wants to continue hanging out as friends and asked if I wanted to come over that same night to watch a movie. I didn’t see much of him for a few weeks and the crush went away. Then he got hired at my company so we would see each other at work. I was fine with it at first but then he started to disrespect my boundaries and it ended with us being on very bad terms and me not being able to be around him at all.
My husband was my best friend for a year and a half before we started dating, we’re coming up on 2 years married 11 years in a relationship, and 12.5 as close friends. That foundation has gotten us through a ton.
Why should I take dating advice from a guy whose wife isn't attracted to him?
Ben's wife had to make up a lie that vaginas don't self-lubricate to avoid hurting his feelings.
What is wrong with you people?
@@lawsattitude1999 Who are you referring to?
@@sledzeppelin you. you guys keep peddling that made up talking point
@@lawsattitude1999 It's not made up at all, and actually, I've never heard anyone else mention it. Ben went on a long jag about WAP, and claimed that his wife, who is a doctor, told him that Ps don't get wet upon arousal. Do you also believe Ps don't get wet upon arousal? Becaause if so, I've got some bad news for you: you've never turned a woman on.
So again, which part of what I said are you denying happened?
If you're one of Ben's incel fans, which make up about 73% of his audience, just let me know and I'll leave you alone so I don't further hurt your feelings.
@@lawsattitude1999Unfortunately this isn’t made up, it’s the logical next step from Ben Shapiro’s claims his wife has stated that the vagina shouldn’t get wet, which as a medical doctor, she probably knows that most vaginas naturally lubricate as part of arousal.
Ben's advice makes sense if you think of him from the perspective of having social anxiety. His anxiety comes from his making relationships circle around BRUTAL betrayal for not following his script. He's constantly waiting for that betrayal. That's what you're seeing in his eyes.
I find it hard to believe that Ben Shapiro had any real success in the dating world before he met his conservative Stepford Wife.
When my husband and I met and I was very much in the "I want to be friends right now" camp when he first said hw had feelings for me. This might be because i'm rather demisexual (i did not know this term at the time, of course) but also because when we met, I really did not have many friends. My best friend at college had just dropped out, and i had never managed to really bond with many people i met at college beyond casual acquaintance. So the whole "well i have lots of friends, i don't need another one" statement... oof.
My husband, meanwhile, did have a bunch of friends, and when we met i got to know them too. I might've stepped back from dating at first just because i didn't want to potentially wreck up my ability to be friends with all of them if dating him didn't work out (which was probably a false and kind of childish assumption, but that's where my mind was).
Lucky for us both we were cool enough to keep chatting long distance for a bit, and after some time i decided that it would be fun to try dating him if he still wanted to, because i really did like him as a person, even if i didn't get immediate sparks-flying romantic and physical attraction. We actually did have very good chemistry and have been together ever since :) we still consider ourselves best friends.
There were studies made with women asking other women to spend the night and the enthusiasm was a lot higher. I think safety was one of the most mentioned things when the women were asked why they said no to a guy.
OMG what horrible advice for the first question!! I've been with my bf, who is my high school sweetheart, for over 17 years now. We became friends and nothing romantic happened between us for over 7 months before we started dating. I'm so glad we took the time to build a solid friendship because now, we still are best friends and really in love. We have lots in common and enjoy each other's presence other than for the more 'romantic' parts of a relationship. And tbh, I need to feel a deep connection with someone before I can be attracted to them in a romantic/sexual way, so nothing would have happened between us had my bf decided to try to go quickly into the relationship to avoid being friendzoned.
No one should give dating advice or attempt to debunk other advice. It's all chaos.
28:10 Keyword “we were friends with no feelings involved” the dude calling in said he has feelings…
Jumping into relationships before establishing the foundation of friendship has been the biggest reason for the rifts in my past relationships.
It might have been cuz you’re blue pilled bro.
@@Niskquintana No, I’m happily in a relationship and not specifically following people to other TH-cam videos to reply to their comments like some losers
@@Niskquintana Guarantee I’m more successful than you too. Like 100% guarantee
@@Corporate_Desecration they casually popped on my for you. I would never be entertained by them but seeing your comment so strongly on these 2 saying nothing. Learn how to become the best version of yourself first, your comments show a lot bro. have a blessed day Mr. smith 😂
Every time I hear dating advice, I'm reminded that my experience with dating is fundamentally different than everyone else because I'm a grey-asexual. I don't understand what normal sexuality is, so I can't tell the difference between someone spitting hard facts and someone who is way off.
What do you mean by grey?
My exgf was gray. What she wanted was a guy who got it and made her feel safe