You are like a yo-yo and the parent(s) are playing with you. You get tossed about to and fro, confused, invalidated, insulted, disrespected, then retracted temporarily with some fake love bombing or other phony friendly behavior.
@blancotequilaThere's a shortage of affordable housing in America,and that has forced people to stay longer in toxic homes. This must change politically. A massive building campaign to testore the housing stock to the levels that were in place bfore homelessness started in 1981. That will enable anyone who needs to, to leave a bad home.
I left home when I was 17. I was simply forced to leave by my narcissist mother. Behind it all she hoped i would fail miserably and end up the streets as a heroin addict. That way she could point at me and say to everyone that I was the problem all along. Anyway I'm delighted to say I disappointed her. Through blood sweat and tears I put myself through university and got a degree and a masters in electrical engineering. Worked all sorts of shitty jobs along the way to fund myself. Eventually bought my own house so i could feel safe again, have lots of nice friends around me. I haven't seen my mother or her alcoholic enabler husband in years and that suits me just fine.
My step-mother did the same. I also got an Engineering Degree and am the only one of my father's kids. That is doing well. I have no debt, own a home, great career, great family. And my brothers are broke with one still living at home at 40. What's hilarious is growing up my Step-mother said that i was growing up spoiled and her kids (my 1/2 brothers) weren't. Yet I'm the hardest and smartest working one out of all of them.
@@eq2092i am more than happy that you are free now, and i wish you all the best. But i would like to ask you something i have a mother who is extremely controlling over my life, she isn't a bad mother but also not a great one. She doesn't trust my vision of my future and doesn't care about my opinions. It makes me mentally sad and tired and i have depression for over 3 years now. Should i leave her? And follow my dreams or stay with her and do what she wants and let my dreams die?
@@FinanceWageSlave I recommended therapy and without know more of your specific story I can't offer advice. Age, income, job, savings, education, living situation, etc ... P.S. I joined the military and that's how I got away and became independent.
Congratulations on your success!! Sorry that happened to you at such a young age. I know you're telling the truth as I found out a few years ago that my youngest sister didn't run away from home, but our mother told her to leave. I just recently thought about where I would have been if I left my narcissistic mother. I wish I was brave to have left but I thank God of where I'm at now. God Bless and keep healing ❣️
You are definitely not alone, i acted up without thinking recently because i realized I deserved to be treated like a human being and i cant even type what happened to me in this comment section but please hang in there, try to find a way out.
It's difficult but, the key is not to take the bait. I'm learning that if I don't respond then, I won't be dragged into their way of thinking or what they think of me.
@@mysteriousmysteries75 did it go well with you in the end? I'm still trapped here but I am very hopeful I will get out this time. I just hope it's legit and not a scam.
@@itz_kale7791 Thank you so much. I receive that and will not take the bait. I am a soft hearted guy (compassionate, nurturing, caring, kind, and generous) and unfortunately these parents of mine played on that and are severely irresponsible for their choices and behavior. I am talking about criminal past behavior, financial irresponsibility, and emotional hostility. One of the parents (a blatant narc) are gone and neglected his child (he have been in and out of prison) and the parent that is making my life hell right now is abusive and narcissistic. I sometimes see these parents like animals I observe at a zoo. I wonder how and why they do what they do despite I understand, but it's still funny but crazy in a way.
@@KcMcclary Stay safe, first. Keep your secrets. Don't tell anyone. Act like you usually do, don't let him know you're doing anything different. Start planning how to get your precious things out of his reach. Hide money. Don't get caught.
@@lindac6919 okay I'll do my best and keep to myself as much as possible, lock the bedroom door, and sleep with as much protection as I can get by my side.
You have to smile and be nice to the narcs. Get money, save every dime and keep it secret. Do not tell narc parents what you are doing. Use the internet wisely; sell stuff online and keep learning. Get out as soon as you can and disappear. Go no contact. Do not be "hoovered" (sucked) back in by anyone so they can continue where they left off. Do not give out your new address or phone number. Make it impossible to be found.
To anyone abused planning to escape do this. and I'm DRILLING home the point Jones makes above: DO NOT GET SUCKED BACK IN. NEVER EVER GO BACK. And if you find yourself hurting and doubting: watch vids/get support. Believe me from experience and TWENTY FIVE YEARS of compounding trauma that ruined the chance I had to salvage the little self worth I had- now gone, slowly chipped away... It's hard but with enough time COMPLETELY APART FROM ANY INFLUENCE OF THEM and support.... The brainwashing starts to fade and your true remains begin to break through..... Strength and love.
When you're the Scapegoat, you're defined as Defective and Inferior to everyone else, period, starting with the "Family" of origin, and then you go out into the world and it's repetition compulsion which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy - Hell on Earth. The Trial - Franz Kafka
Chastised for needing & belittled for wanting. I edited myself at an age of 5 or 6 years old. Therefore, once we leave home , we are set up to be f" ing doormats !!! It was difficult to allow ourselves to be Happy, drama free, to say NO, that personal suffering from being needless was bullshit !
All my life I tried to understand when others used the term “self-soothing”. Years and years I struggled with the very concept. I realized yesterday that self-care IS self-soothing and I know now it’s not selfish.
These parents will still control your life even after leaving, moving. Going no contact is when their true nature comes to destroy everything about the scapegoat child.
This is why you relocate, block numbers, block email addresses, and separate completely. That is exactly what I had to do. And it all worked out for my best interest. You can do it once you realize that you have to. And I got lucky six years ago when my mother died. The head of the Hydra was cut off.
This is true. The mental abuse from childhood made me to have a terrible start when I was 18 and recession occurred. I was unemployed for years, going to college. My ADHD and the mistakes and anxiety that it causes me are what feeds my narcissistic parents more. I truly wished I had began to work as soon as I turned 18 to save money, but yet I was worried about my little sister. My narcissistic mother and father would have blamed me for anything that could have gone wrong with her, but in the end she was a narcissist as well and she was playing mind games. The narcissistic family relationship caused me so much cognitive dissonance that I truly have brain damage. I wished I had not gone to college and wasted years of life just to have a harder time to get a job. It prolonged my stay with them and now I am sick and fatigued at a daily basis. My ADHD time blindness also affects me. It was difficult to leave my home because I was brainwashed to be dependent on them, was afraid for my mother and sister in abandoning them with a sick psychopath father, and housing crisis and unemployment have made it impossible. In the US there is no sense of family no less if your family is narcissistic.
@jacqueslee2592 it's crazy how they brainwash you to be dependent to them. You won't recognise how much they stripped you of who you are and your freedom until you move out.. luckily I felt this for a bit even if I stayed a short time elsewhere. Funny how you beat yourself up for finishing college but I'm beating up myself for not!
The whole "I love you/ I hate you" splitting from the narcissistic family is so confusing and the cause of so much self-doubt about leaving. I finally started college courses in my 30s where I take psychology classes. That is where I gained my self worth and power to leave my family of origin. When I started college, my family disgraced me and belittled me about it. Now I understand they don't want you to grow and learn because they know you will figure them out and leave.
I also started uni later 21/22 tho but having to live in the same house during uni feels like a hell idk how imma do this for 4 years I defiently want to get out of this country also but in 4 years what if it becomes impossible 😭
I went through the same experience. Narcissistic parents do not want you to grow or develop into a normal adult. If they can damage your brain so that you can be brain dead, parents with this condition or tendency will do this so that you can be attached to them, depending on them.
@jaqueslee2592 😱 YES... That makes total sense to me now .. I do fell like I can't even think through the most simple things and i cant accomplish any paperwork things- i never used to be like this... But after the last time living and finally leaving... (You'd think my brain would IMPROVE!) I've... 'regressed,' ..... I'm only guessing it's cause I stayed in that too long and too much damage .. and also the controller telling me what to and not do is gone... And I've yet to develop my own way of thinking or basic functions... EVERYTHING 'overwhelms' me .. Omgosh this is a very good point .. I'm praying I'm not too old or damaged and will get my brain back... Im actually scared since noticing this ..
I wasn’t prepared to leave, with everything scary and dangerous about leaving, and then feel extra guilty for months afterwards as I watched my parents’ lives fall apart! I didn’t realize how much they depended on me as the scapegoat to keep things running
That could be the same with me. My mother left my father 3 months after I married and left home. She had nobody to project her hateful character on any more. Perhaps she was being forced to see herself as she really is.
I moved back in a for a few months after going no contact. When I left again, my mother passed away. Five months after I left. I feel so guilty but she had been sick for a while. I cannot go back there,I know I will be blamed by other members of the family who cannot cope. This hurts so bad.
Remember it's a matter of life and death, your ONLY life so keep in mind not to tell your narcokiller parent/partner or anyone related, any of your good news. Regardless of you age, keep it a secret all of your achievements, hobbies, dreams, so they won't be even more jealous and envious of you and try to frustrate your scaping plans and/or increase their rage-tantrum like behaivor towards you. Be sure to seem gray, sad, obidient and share only your bad experiences so that they won't suspect your inner joy which is holy for your sanity.
I was doing this and doing so good, then let my cards show after she baited me into an argument and gave up my power. Now I’m mad at myself for making things worst instead of staying under the radar and appearing to be unphased. Now I have to come up with another plan to break free… 😩
I just read a comment that the armed forces are an option for Scapegoats that need out quickly. Good comment. Often females will opt for marriage to quickly get out of the parent’s house, but unfortunately, because of our childhood abuse, we consistently choose partners that have the same controlling behaviors as our parents. And that turns into a lifelong battle against narcissistic partners. I’m a senior now and finally got out of my last narcissistic relationship. Thanks for the tips on leading a healthy life!
Went through army basic training and it was easy for me, I had a great time. This was in the 80s when all the bullying was as standard. Just think on that, your so messed up in the head army basic is a vacation for you. You're used to dealing with senseless unattainable standards, having no privacy, trying to not be the focus of attention and the only peace I got at home was when I was out working or exercising so was fit as a fiddle.
@@jelkel25 : That’s a sad story, but how very true. Being on guard from infancy. I never thought I’d fit in the military, but I’ve regretted not joining.
Exactly, I felt that the train was leaving me and at 27yrs got married out of desperation to another narc. Fast forward and now my son and I live with my parents, I have a basic job and a limited ability to save money, celiac disease in both my son and I doesn’t help nor my gas guzzler. I think the gas guzzler will have to go. If I never would’ve gotten married, I would’ve had more freedom, and wouldn’t be as trapped. Getting married again would be a quick escape, however now I am very very cautious about who I bring into my life.
My narc mother considered me a nuisance and a bother throughout my growing up years. By the time I was in my early 20s my mental and physical health had deteriorated to the point I needed hospitalization. At that point, my mother wanted to completely discard me right when I needed care. When I gained strength, I prepared to move out, at which time she did a 180 and told me I would fall flat on my face and how selfish I was to 'abandon' the family (apparently forgetting how she wanted to abandon me when I was in hospital). I moved out. She disinherited me.
I am sorry for all you went through. It doesn't make sense to me that narcissist parents make you feel so worthless yet when you try to leave they resort to all kinds tactics to keep you from leaving. Happened to me also.
GOOD FOR YOU you’re so strong and brave I’m super proud of you cause whew. God know that was awful. It’s heartbreaking. But I wish you all the best in your healing journey & your inevitably lovely peaceful life! ❤
@@donnakelley1202THIS !!!!!!! My mom amped it up to kicking me out during finals week in my 20s.. A few years later assaulting me on mother's day for defending myself against my sexually abusive sister .. a few years later then sabotaged a potential marriage partner, stole my church family from me by turning them against me, a few years later sexually assaulted me (a few mos ago). My sister discovered she's giving all mine and my sisters inheritance money to my stepdad too that she got from my DAD in the divorce It gets WORSE for some of us.
I am 32 and still living with my narc parents. they have prevented me from finding a partner and also from getting an appropriate job that doesn't stress me out like crazy. hopefully things change.
I feel that. I moved out from the narcs' place in my mid 20s (to a flat owned by my half safe sister) but was financially dependent on the narcs till I was around 34, also because of them manipulating me into crappy low paying jobs. I lucked out when I got a not too toxic pretty well paying job and strategically didn't tell my family of origin how much I was paid while implying it wasn't all that much, gradually saved up a safety sum for periods of being unemployed, and didn't have to come grovelling for help anymore. My unsolicited but hopefully not entirely useless advice is, learn to feed them vague half-truths while implying things aren't going particularly well, and undersell prospective jobs to them. Obviously you know your own situation better than I do, but that helped me to keep them from undermining the good things I got.
Same moved out 23 moved back in 2020 and I'm 29 now . I felt i was making progress when I was out . It's very difficult trying to work and save not be tormented every sec of the day
I left my narcissistic parents as soon as I graduated from university. I found a job in another city but it was not easy at first. Besides the difficulties of living in a different city full of strangers, I also faced guilt and shame because of leaving my parents. I really appreciate my boyfriend's support in these days. It is really important to get safe people's support to deal with narcissistic abuse.
I'm in my mid-30's and I still live with and work for my narcissistic parents. Unfortunately, work and home is in the same neighborhood and my parents are participants of a smear campaign that has ruined my reputation and turned almost everyone against me. Even though I have a Masters degree, I don't have the confidence, energy, or drive to find a job and live independently. I'm afraid of failing and not being able to make it out on my own. I've been waiting for my parents to retire but I don't think I should wait any longer. I should live for myself, not for them. I should have done this a long time ago but I only realized they were narcissists about 2 years ago. I don't have any support. The only person I trust is my brother, who is the scapegoat and is currently worse off than me (in terms of health, education, outlook). It may take some time, but I hope that I can escape with my brother in the very near future.
This is apart of it I feel like narcissistic parents and narcissistic workplaces go hand and hand and cooperate with each other They’ll have you thinking you’re a bad person or some shit it’s really weird man
Indeed but try to make research more and more be calm and confident either you are alone or in front of 'em don't argue them because that's how they suppose and they will definitely beat you till they ate all your energy and make you dry
My mother told me that I would certainly be raped should I move out into a house that I purchased on my own and without her input. I moved out anyways!
10:50. Thank you for coming right out and saying that. I get SO SICK of "experts" and general loudmouthed louts for blaming the victim for not leaving. Even the excellent book "the Gift of Fear" expresses that attitude. That's why I never recommend it - even though the rest of it is right on point. Because following that advice about leaving, could get you killed. Stay alive today; leave tomorrow. Make a plan to get out, without them knowing. Tell no one.
After being the scapegoat for my entire life I’ve finally decided it’s time for me to leave and never come back after I was attacked by my older brother and my mother joined in while also blocking me from running away from him! I honestly struggle with this because I feel so betrayed by these people that I really cared for. My father never cares about what happens
Exactly this i went trough as well,being attacked physically by brother and mother and the father is just almost never present mentally neither. This was when i refused their agressive way of demanding stuff from me on a daily without my needs being met and used against me. They all attacked me physically
I got married at 18 years old and spent the first 2 or 3 years being afraid that I'd only done it to be able to escape my covert narc mother and emotionally empty father. 47 happy years later I'm grateful to say that obviously wasn't my only motivation.
I was so desperate to leave home as a teenager that when I was in my senior year of high school I exclusively wanted to apply to schools that I would have had to move to. My parents pressured me so hard into going to the local university that did not have a program for my field of study. I fought with them for nearly two weeks about going away to school and they guilted me saying they couldn't afford it, but also wouldn't let me apply for grants or loans and planted doubts in my head that I wouldn't be able to survive away from home. I eventually gave in and went to the local university to make them happy. Of course the abuse got to continue for 4 more years and by the time I got my degree I felt nothing. No pride, no joy, no sense of accomplishment. Of course my other two siblings got to choose where they wanted to go and, surprise, they both went away for school and my parents paid for them. I moved out two years ago and they weren't supportive at all. They told me I wouldn't make it on my own, that I'd hate it and I'd lose all my money on rent and come back to them broke. They raged at me when I told them I was going to move in with my boyfriend and that I had the right to choose who I lived with. The entire time I was searching for apartments, getting furniture and all that, they made sure I knew they were miserable and disapproving. I was called disrespectful, ungrateful, uncaring etc for the basic adult thing of moving out. They still see it as my biggest betrayal and hold it against me to this day. The entire time I lived at home I felt like a burden and was treated as though I was "difficult" because of my depression and rich inner world (they called that my "being too sensitive"). They took no interest in me, didn't like my friends or my partner and talked me and them down constantly. Yet they were shocked and devastated that I wanted to move out. I am no contact now and I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn't unalive myself because life is so much better now. Thanks to therapy and the scapegoat child recovery community I can understand my circumstances growing up, how it affects me and that I am not the only one who experienced this mental torture.
This is so me! I couldn’t use their info for the FAFSA, but my brother could, and he could get money out of them. Glad I made my own way though. Many of us will survive difficult times ahead!
I can relate so hard to this! My dad sat me down for a long lecture telling me the same thing, that I'm gonna hate it, I won't be able to afford it (we make 5x our rent on one income), and that I'm gonna regret picking up and moving so far from home. They really do get so desperate when they know their grip is slipping, they try every last tactic to break your spirit and make you believe you can't do it. I thank god every day that my best friend has been moved out for many years and has been able to tell me when they're lying to me about how hard it really is to live on your own. Having a support system has saved me
My mom has been bugging me to move back in with her for the last two years. First, it was so I could 'save money by staying with her,' even though she was asking me for the same amount in rent that I was already paying. Then, it was 'its too expensive/unsafe out there! You'll never be able to afford something in a good area!' Because, naturally, she 'only had my best interests at heart.' Recently, I told her I wanted to keep growing into my full independence and had decided to move to a smaller town I could afford and she outright lost it. Her mask slipped and I've never seen her look so crazy. She told me that if I refused to move in with her, she'd follow me wherever I went...
I told my mother that if she needs me and my rent to stay with her it must be time she goes into a nursing home where professionals can care for her in her fragile state. She crapped her pants!
Jay, your insights into narcissistic parents' behavior are so clear. Now, 55 years later, the bell still rings on my preparations to leave home at 19, bus ticket and money in hand. My father, 6' 3", a professional athlete, hit me on the back of the head with a 2x4 board, then beat me up. Yet, I still left my family, I still survived, I still went back to school and earned two masters degrees and made a success of my life by my own terms and in spite of them. And my life keeps getting better. Your channel helps make sense of it all. How I wish your knowledge had been available then but glad you are here now.
Same. I'm glad to come across his channel. Life changing. I also survived and made something of myself with a company built from scratch that was seen in Forbes Africa with no formal education - completely self taught. I taught myself to read, write and critically think. Bathe myself, brush my teeth, dress myself, use a tampon and a pad. I completely raised myself. I remember the first time I walked into some high end designer stores (manolo, jimmy choo, gucci, versace, rolex, graff, harry winston, etc) on my own, with my money in my pocket to shop.. it was surreal bcos I never had new clothes growing up but we weren't poor. We had the mercedes, the Jaguars, Rolls Royce, etc, outdoor and indoor (heated) pools, gardeners, cooks, stewards, etc and were surrounded by wealthy people (1% and upper middle). The bio-incubator who birthed me always had the nicest most expensive clothes while I looked like dobby the elf, with a shaved head to boot. She tried to traffic me to an international European prostituion ring. I refused (always been strong willed - she hated that) and she tied my hands behind my back and my feet together. Dumped me in the shed. I was there for 2days and night in the dark with no food, water or bathroom. Rats and roaches crawling everywhere. There are so many more instances of tortures like this. She successfully trafficked my older sister and she ended up committing suicide. I cannot comprehend that degree of evil... I still struggle with impostor syndrome sometimes (not as much as before tho) and the imbedded-in-my-psyche-voices from my childhood. The solution I'm working out is that even though I may sometimes view myself a certain way, this is not the reality of who I am, but the conditioning of my childhood. The only way to have a true perception of myself is to view myself thru my accomplishments in life and the currency of respect it has brought me. That I have single handedly landed myself at the top of the socio-economic ladder and provided safety and security for myself - against. all. odds. I can walk with my head held high. I'm an accomplished woman of dignity, well respected. It's astonishing. Not a junkie. Not a single mother. Not evil hearted. Unbroken spirit. Still has the ability to laugh. High energy. Large capacity love. Not a doormat. A literal miracle. I would like to write a story of my life someday (with the help of a ghost writer). It's an astonishing tale of "Against. All. Odds". EDIT - Oh, and I want to add that I grew up in a 3rd world, breathtakingly corrupt, patriarchal hellhole with no infrastructure or govt asst. A place where women are seen as less than human - only for breeding and degradation. Intelligence is viewed with suspicion, innovation is shut down and actively frustrated, any attempt at doing better is cut down, often thru the application of violence. A society where if you're beautiful, the automatic assumption is that you're a prostitute and people will literarily insult you as you walk down the street. If you're' strong willed, you must be broken down to size (often thru violence - the women will join in too), if you have no family to validate you, you're worthless. If you do not have formal education, you're a nobody. So, imagine the trifecta of no formal education, no family validation and being quite beautiful. I left "home" at 16 and I've been homeless most of my life, I've slept out in the open, gone without food for days, begged strangers for money to eat but still refused to be degraded by the males in my society for my survival, in spite of the pressure from all sides. There is literally no other option but to sell your body, but somehow I still found a way AND came out of all that to where I am today ? A literal miracle.
They don’t even want us to know there are men out there who now see us as full human beings . That’s what “hot” means now, and it doesn’t mean Neanderthal oafs anymore and those oafs can’t stand it.
I think I mentioned this before, I joined the British Army, many years ago. For a teenager without money, it gives you 1. A roof over your head, and you get fed 3 times a day 2. Regular money 3. You're not alone 4. Plenty of real challenges, bigger things to worry about than bad parents 5. Friends in the same situation 6. Military training actually builds you up mentally, not just physically and the training staff want you to do well. 7. You will start to realise that your life has a new meaning and gives you a different perspective on how things really are. When you do go home on leave, things will still be the same, but you will have changed, you will see how dysfunctional they are. Although many years ago I remember our platoon Sergeant telling us that kids from dysfuntional homes do well in the army and don't get homesick.
When you change everything changes. Similar me, I remember being punished by NCO but it always was for what I did or didn't not because of me personally. That was a huge difference compared to my family home. Everyone was treated the same, awesome time.
See my comment above. I remember Richard Grannon talking about how he trained with some high level SAS, SBS, Paras, Royal Marine Commandos, etc. He said after they were done training how they’d talk about their dysfunctional childhood leading them to elite units. That blew my mind.
It’s so much worse because I am Autistic, and she has made me doubt myself in what I could do and accomplish that I can’t even drive if I wanted to leave. I’m at my breaking point, and I can’t do it anymore. And I’m in college, but the dorms are horrendous.
I had that experience. Suicide became an option, I begged my dad, two states away, who just walked out on us to come get me. He did. He and my mom are narcissists but mom was violent after being walked out on. Later in life I commissioned as an Air Force Officer. Huge revelation that being a scapegoated child lends itself to being extremely successful in the military. The sensitivity and intuition I have mitigated a terror attack with much advance notice. This probably isn't surprising when you think about it. At this point in my life your videos are helpful as are the writings of Rene Girard on the scapegoat mechanism. Thank you.
True as well when leaving a marriage to a narcissist. My mother escalated her abusive behaviors when I differentiated myself as I grew into adulthood. My multiple attempts were not quite successful so I chose marriage at age 20 - unconsciously thinking this transition would be acceptable. It was terrible. And of course - I had unwittingly married a narcissist. Be compassionate with your self talk. You can do this. Jay’s channel is a huge gift.
I really had no idea that my family, mother was sick. WOW. Took me years and years to come to terms, understand the abusive attack I received. I am now 58yrs old. It was so awful. I was/am a drunk, whore, gave birth to my only child, she told everyone I gave birth to a drug baby. WTF!!!! She still at it towards me, now my son, who is 23, my mother is 92#!! And I have 7 siblings, or I should say, 7 flying monkeys . However, I am not them. I am not them.
@@elizabethkeller6040 It is a shock to accept the smear campaign from the narc that went on for years behind your back. They will slander the scapegoat to anyone who will listen, usually other narcs, who enjoy joining in. The narc will claim to be a martyr and a saint for having to put up with you. They are addicted to this behaviour and pursue it with a laser focus. It is so difficult, having been raised like this, to understand you were trained to be a doormat and accept their abuse. It leads to more abuse because the scapegoat lacks healthy boundaries and a healthy way of defending them. Toxic people realize you will accept being treated poorly. Sorry you went through this, Elizabeth. Your story is very similar to mine. Survivors have very similar stories since narcs all use the exact same playbook. It's time for survivors to write their own book.
Reminds me of my mother. My pat answer for her is “fine. Everything is fine.” I also told other friends and relatives to say the same thing to her no matter what if she started fishing around asking them about me.
Often will my mother give me the 'I hear you' response when a issue is pointed out personally, notably clear that things could only worsen as she already takes herself to be completely fine.
Mine just kept me financially dependent on them almost to my mid 30s with larger part of that strategy being nagging and shaming me into taking low paying jobs that wouldn't sustain me on any level. There were 2 distinct periods, one about 9 months and the other over a year, when I worked my butt off full time with constant overtime and couldn't afford even basic groceries, forget about bills, clothes, etc. And the narcs "graciously" paid for me while scrutinising my every shopping decision from brand of noodles to personal hygiene items and underwear. Also, they still think I'd do literally anything at the prospect of free food, like a food motivated pet.
Well, they see what they are. It's called narcissistic supply...food...that they do anything to get...controls their life. So maybe thats why they give you that feeling, its something that they would do and have no common sense about hurting others.
I always wanted to go to college and then onto university, but thanks to my controlling mother it was never meant to be. When all my school friends were preparing for choosing colleges, I already knew my mother wouldn’t allow that. She told me I wasn’t clever enough and that the family could not afford to pay for college. I tried to challenge but to no avail. My high school form tutor asked me why I wasn’t applying to colleges and I explained that my parents wouldn’t support me. To my shock and surprise he turned up at our house that evening to talk to my parents, explaining that I was in the top stream that was expected to go onto college and then university. My parents were delighted to receive the praise, probably because it reflected well in them, but after he left, the answer was still no. I later enrolled at evening classes with some friends. I was in the process of trying to get the qualifications to get to university. I admit I lied to my parents about what courses I was taking. I was working in an office at the time and I told them I was taking typewriting courses which was a lie. Sadly, I didn’t think things through and when I completed the first year and passed my exams, the certificates were sent in the post to my home address and my mother always opened my mail. She was furious with me. I was 17 when this happened. She told my father who was equally angry. I was made to feel like I was disobedient and a liar. After that, no more night school. I was grounded. I was also cut off from my friends. I gave up on the idea of college or university after that, but I knew I needed to get out. My father hit me because I’d lied to them and he blacked my eye. At work I had a very supportive female manager who took me aside to ask about my eye. I initially told her it was an accident but then she said that everyone knew my parents and what they were like. We lived and worked in a small community. I told her what happened and she said that I needed to leave, and so she helped me to get an apartment, she helped to falsify my pay slips so my mother didn’t know when I had a pay rise (pre-computer days), and she helped me to set up a post office box account so my mail could be redirected. 12 months later I moved into my own apartment on my 18th birthday. I didn’t tell my parents until the day I picked up the keys to the apartment. My mother flew into a rage and through me out. She wouldn’t let me collect my belongings. I moved into my apartment with just the clothes I was wearing! My mother burned everything I owned. My clothes, and worse still, my precious books. Controlling parents are the worst, but I am glad to say that I never gave up on my dream to go to university. It would take many years before it happened, but in my early forties I could afford to put myself through full time university, and I qualified and had my graduation day. I guess I won in the end.
I'm so glad you got there, Ruth. I can relate to parts of this story and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that to achieve something totally reasonable!
This made me teary. I have a similar situation only that i went to school for veterinary nursing and my dad did nothing but put me down for jt to the point that after 5 years i quit and he nevwr supported any choices or goals I had. So, i spent 20+ years trying to make him happy and just floating along with his demands. Well, I'm done with it. I'm moving out of state and he won't find me. Time to live my life. Your story was so inspiring.
My enabler father forced me To go to a local uni even tho I wanted to go abroad he said no but then my two years gone and I started uni at 21 almost 22 feels so bad but Corona and then narc mothers plan to move countries did that for me Even tho I might have to wait for the masters to study abroad atleast I get a bachelor's but now I gotta live in their house 4years of that feels like hell and then waiting till my mid twenties idk if it's even worth it anymore major in business data analytics bs?😭 Now I think about my situation after reading Ur story it made me feel grateful for my grandfather who is the real reason y my father probably forced me into uni just to please my grandfather idk what my narc mother would have done otherwise my grandfather even got me a laptop I have to admit I am not the best student during school and I wish I had better grades do I could have gotten to go abroad but atleast here I can study idk it just feels like a regret for wasting those 2 years we graduate school at 19 then did expect me to study abroad however never helped me at all
I feel guilty for starting uni late 😭 atleast u were better then me I guess I don't have to work just study BUT I feel like I should have studied abroad to get away from this toxic household and my first mids didn't go that well I m scaredd however I hope I can somehow make a high gpa but
During adolescence I had a lot of resilience despite being the scapegoat. I was regularly trying to separate myself from my family, I just didn't know it at the time. I met my best friend Erin during middle school, I spent most weekends at her house. Erin's family was warm and made me feel valued. It was a contrast from my home where me and my four siblings were subjected to threats and feared our borderline mom. The main target was my father during childhood but my mom redirected the target onto me during middle school and my father did nothing not protect me. My mom's control over me took effect when I was older during college. This is the same period my sister, who I had considered to be my best friend, became close with my mom. My mom's coercion was regularly deployed using my sister as her proxy. I wanted to please my sister so I regularly put my needs on the backburner to please the family. There were a couple times I wanted to move away during my 20s and my mom had a meltdown each time. In hindsight I should have just moved and not announced my plans beforehand but we were conditioned since childhood that we needed our parents blessing before we made big life decisions. I was always convinced to stay, often overwhelmed with the guilt of being separated from my family. The subsequent years were the loneliest years of my life, I was often blamed, attacked and isolated by mom and two sisters. I remember in 2017 they went on vacation together and did not invite me. My two sisters flew back early and chose an airport 90 minutes away to save money. They expected me to drop everything and pick them up in the middle of the work day, which I did since I was a people pleaser. I had learned long ago that saying "no" and asserting boundaries were not optional for me. I picked them up from the airport and drove three hours round trip, they did not offer gas money. I had to go back to work that afternoon because I was busy with financial month end close at my job. When I went no contact a couple years ago I told only my two brothers. My parents and two sisters found out I had moved months after I relocated. It took months for them to find out because they regularly gave me the silent treatment and ignored me. They left me demoralized and I accepted their crumbs for 15 years. Yet they hoover me now and pretend like nothing happened.
Tania.your empathy is the STRENGTH they will never have.Narcs.they still empty till thy kingdom come.be good to you get some EFT therapy to get out the trauma of ever knowing them.blessings sis
It must really hurt when your siblings too gang up with an abusive parent. However, realizing that you don't have to settle for crumbs is a big step in our healing😇
@@cherylm5002 Growing up me and my siblings had each other. I would have never imagined that they would become ardent supporters of our mom. My sisters don’t make a move without my mom’s approval. It’s controlling. Thank you for your comment. I think I stayed so long hoping my sisters would realize how abusive our mom was. I discounted their abuse. I was chasing the relationship we once had.
This is an excellent video. The only thing is sometimes it takes decades for someone to move out from a narcissistic parent's home. I had an extremely complicated situation and appear to have a narcissistic sibling and mother. And a me too survivor from my father. I basically escaped with the clothes on my back. I was 44.
I am 78 years old, and I lived my life in Germany. I was the scapegoat, and my father influenced my socalled therapists and they willingly and stupidly continued the narcissistic abuse. This is heartbreaking. I cannot turn back my biografie. I wish I had therapists who knew . I mourn all these wasted decades looking for somebody to understand. In Germany it is nearly impossible, and I don´t search anymore since years. I am just thankfull for the internet were I find my own insights confirmed
Es geht nur um Geld. Deutschland juckt es nicht aus welcher Familie du kommst. Meine damalige Schule hat nun mir hausverbot reingedrückt und vertuscht das als den klar wurde, dass ich das schwarze schaf der familie bin. Man muss leider alleine durch. Mein linker kiefer springt nach innen und nun ist der da irgendwo Lose und habe nun ein tinnitus mit 22 jahren, leide unter einer chronischen Müdigkeit und hypersensibilität. -> wären die Krankheiten wenigstens weg, dann wäre ich froh und könnte wenigsten bisschen arbeiten. Meiner Hausärztin juckt auch nicht, dass ich das schwarze Schaf der familie bin. Ich habe eine Gruppe auf WhatsApp aufgemacht "scapegoat" und die hat den Namen der Gruppe lesen können aber mit Absicht nicht laut gelesen. Die Gesellschaft ist sowas von verdorben. Dann die Menschen noch von der bundesagentur für Arbeit. Mir geht es ja schon so schlecht wenn ich nichts mache. Die Schüler die Attentate auf einer Schule machen kann ich verstehen. Deutschland ist zu alles fähig. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass diese Schüler /Attentäter, dass schwarze schaf der familie gewesen sind. Und die Medien sind dazu in der Lage es zu vertuschen, dass er das schwarze schaf der familie war. Um zu überleben muss ich nun ein workaholic werden. Mit meinen ständigen Schmerzen. Linker kiefer Lose und tinnitus. Meine ruhe finde ich in der Natur. Ich war bei Sozialarbeiterin-> das sind die größten Schauspieler, einfach eklige Leute. Die wollen nicht helfen. Ich war da einmal und dann bin ich zum nächsten Termin nicht hingegangen. Ich kriege einen Anruf" wieso bist du nicht hier?" Ich in meinen Kopf tut nicht so ihr Schauspieler. Die haben dann noch gesagt" wenn was ist meldest du dich hier, wir machen uns echt Sorgen" einfach emotionale Manipulationen. Den juckt nichts, den geht es nur um das Krankenkassen Geld um es von meiner Karte abrechnen zu können.
Lass uns gegen die Gesellschaft angehen. 5 Millionen verlangen und dann in Ruhe gelassen werden. Als ob ich arbeiten gehe. Ich zahle für niemanden Steuern. Es ist schon eine Schande, dass es keiner wahrhaben will. Ich leide an diesem missbrauch und nun muss ich noch der Sklave werden und mich tot arbeiten 8h jeden tag mit meiner Müdigkeit. Und dann soll ich mich noch so fertig/kaputt arbeiten und ich soll noch Steuern bezahlen?? Am arsch die können mich am arsch lecken. Die sollen Schadensersatz geben. Die sollen es so machen, dass ich keine Steuern zahlen muss, weil ich an alle diesen Krankheiten leide, wie chronische Müdigkeit etc. Ich soll workaholic werden um zu überleben. Leben um zu überleben und dann noch Steuern zahlen-> am arsch. Den meisten Ärzten sind auch nur Manipulatoren und geht es auch nur um Geld. Die reden mit den Patienten 5 Minuten, sagen was es sein könnte, verschreiben irgendein Arzneimittel von dem die pharmaindustrie wieder profitiert von. Ansonsten stellt er noch krankenscheine aus und das wars. Die meisten Ärzte müssen nicht mal impfen. Dafür haben die ihre assistenten.
NEVER tell a controlling narcissistic abusive parent that you are leaving them. That is ALWAYS when they will do something EXTREME to trap you and keep you.
That doesn't work for those of us who grew up as an adult child and were groomed and enmeshed at an early age. I find myself spilling the beans and talking to them when I don't want to be cause of the fusion aka enmeshment. I've been trapped living at home and I just turned 40, it can happen and it's devastating. Due to coercive control, stalking. It's been dangerous from the beginning with cumulative abuse. now leaving can = killing retaliation from my father. going to leave anyway. Soon.
I scored 93 on the ASVAB when some kids in my cadet group couldn’t even score 50. The recruiter wanted me to sign an early induction contract with a guaranteed one of my top 3 MOS’s. Because I was 17 they needed my parents permission. I’d been involved in scouts since I was a kid and 2 different cadet groups for over 3 years at that point, I was obviously planning on a military career. When the recruiter tried to talk to my dad he flipped out on the guy. I was so embarrassed that I dropped out of the program. I already had worked my way up to group leader and even got a commendation from the DoD for leadership. After that I quit high school athletics my senior year as a starter, began experimenting with drugs and nihilistic sub cultures. I realize now that I was very depressed. I especially regret not signing up after I turned 18, that decision still haunts me because at that point it was all on me. If you’re reading this don’t ever let anyone talk you out of the direction your heart knows to pursue. Your dreams aren’t too big, it’s that some people are just too small.
@Eric when I was in elementary school, my principal had a meeting with my mother about me advancing to the next grade because I was just that smart. Did you know she told them no and my dad went right along with it. When I found out about it and asked my mother about it, she told me she didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. She later said “She made the best decision she could as a mother” like WTF?? And my dad is also a narcissist who I didn’t live with. But always “blamed” my mother for the way “I’ve turned out”… 🤦🏾♀️ All the while having my other siblings he had with another woman, feeling like I’m the “favorite” of all his kids…. These narcissist are horrible people. I pray we all have healing and live prosperous lives 💕
@@Vetted_epiphany This is typical, my mother went to parents evenings and lied about what the teachers said about me. Always tried to present it as negative.
@@Vetted_epiphany I had a very similar episode in 3rd grade akin to Little Man Tate. They thought that I had a learning disability because my grades were terrible. I was tested, turned I had a high IQ and reading at an 11th grade level. I was bored. They recommended I be moved up at least one grade, maybe 2. My dad refused saying that was “just lazy”.
I failed to grow up and escape my narcissistic parents because they ensnared me and I fell into their trap. It started when I turned 18, started college, and when the recession was starting. My depression hit me hard in my college years so I did not have any energy or desire to study, failing and not learning much. I graduated and then got hospitalized. My narcissistic parents' narcissistic abuse confirmed what they always wanted me to believe that I was "sick" and "insane". My parents were then mentally torturing me daily that they are going to kick me out and that I need to find a job, I couldn't and when I was at home, trying to recover and study, my mother would continue to take my focus away and used to make constant noise and then other narcissist demons, my neighbors, fed off of my failure and abuse, that they would also leave speakers of grinding, hammering, and drilling noise as to humiliate me that I was unemployed. I am 34 years old and I am still just recovering from the abuse and the consequences that it had on my career and finances.
Phew, needed this. I’m 34 and, while not living with my narc mother, she owns the house my partner and I are living in, and it still feels like I’m living under her thumb, even though I’ve used the pandemic to not physically be near her for months at a time. (Distance made me realize she’s a vulnerable narc) Partner and I are both working 2 jobs to get out as soon as possible.🤞Thanks so much for all of your content, it’s helped me through all of this.
This is happening right now with my 18 year nephew by marriage. We told him we see everything and he always has a place. We haven't been in his life for many years because we both went no contact with our severely toxic families. It's a miracle he turned out so well. He said it was nice to talk to people with whom he doesn't have to tip toe around their feelings. He has a plan and a couple friends to take him in when he is ready My husband woke up just a couple years ago and we've been together 22. it's no wonder we were attracted to each other and I'm so grateful he's not a Cluster B himself. In these familial hornet's nests, there's only a few that aren't disordered. Some of us are starting to get what this is from channels like yours, Jay, hallelujah!
I need to move out. What got me here too long was i got chronically ill. So financially i cant afford a house yet, but i need to go. They are making me more sick here.
Thank you for this video! Now I know I’m not alone! I am now a 55 years old woman who lived in fear of both my parents my entire life. It was never physical abuse, it was the narcissistic mental & emotional abuse. I attempted to move out when I was 21 years old. I was working as a full time medical assistant & wanted to go to our local junior college to become a registered nurse. Well, my parents forbid me. It’s too long to go into. Long story short, I tried to make them happy my whole life & do what they wanted me to do, which was stay home till I got married yet they scared off every guy I dated. Both parents have now passed away the last couple years. I feel like a failure for not being braver to have moved out & gone to nursing school. But the fear that consumed me because of their rage when I attempted independence was very scary & demeaning. Yes, it’s like battered wife syndrome or Stockholm Syndrome.
I always thought it was my fault I had such an unhappy college experience. Thanks. Now I can start to unpack that it probably wasn’t that I just couldn’t make friends or whatever else. Boy was that a tough time. It still hurts that I feel so robbed of that time. Sigh
don't worry of what you missed, this learning time was necessary, to don't fall back again. even when, stand up and try again. it's a twisted matrix, which will make you a very successful and strong persons, once you overcome it.
Reading these comments with tears in my eyes. I want to hug all of you. I also am at my wit's end. Today was bad. Mom is a sociopath, she was wicked today. I'm spent and can no longer ignore it all (greyrock). Trying to leave, saving, taking any work I can, leaving the house whenever I can which is very hard sometimes. None of them know what I'm planning. I had realized that I have been crippled to depend on them and the household. Trying to learn to be independent now and to not be afraid of it. I am most afraid of failing out there and having nowhere to go and having to come back to the dragon's lair.
Your hug offering is much appreciated 😔 How are you doing right now 2 months later? I'm planning to leave tomorrow. I'm scared because I don't have friends and not even a relationship, so I'm pretty much on my own. My family claim to be christians and yet they still want to hurt my self esteem further😔
@@katharsis3754 Hey that is very brave of you. I pray for you that everything goes well and you are safe. Leaving the toxic space will allow you to be yourself and find allies. I know how it is to be all alone and I can definitely relate to family members talking about christian values but actually behaving the opposite way... Right now I am much better since I stay out of the house most of the time thanks to more work I took on. I'm saving every penny, keep it all secret and looking at apartment listings daily. I want to take my dog with me, that makes it harder but I cannot leave her with them. I'm not so close to moving out yet but definitely growing steadily toward it. Good luck to you, a new life is waiting for you and you deserve it!
Thank you so much for your prayer, my friend. I do feel I will need it. It really is good to hear that people believe me as they too know people who disguise themselves as christians and barely put the lifestyle into practice 🤦...Then again it makes me happy for you that things are looking good lately. Yes, indeed keep what you're doing as secret. Do your best little by little to be able to take your dog with you. You'll need your pet's company. hopefully you'll eventually find someone you will take care of it (if necessary) while you're out for the day. Indeed there are apartments that allow pets :) I hope you find a good place!! My godparents actually own apartments but I'm embarrassed to ask them for one 🤦 But in case, i don't find a place , I'll go to them. Then again, as for you keep going with what you're doing and keep your head up. Happy to hear you're close to moving out 😊 i really thank you, my friend and good luck to you as well! 😊🙏 Be free and happy.
Hopefully this information will get out to the masses so more people understand. Our society has much to learn about this type of abuse. Most don’t believe it or understand that this evil takes place in many homes. The “old queen bee” narc mother/stepmother along with a weak & spineless enabling (and often abusive himself... sometimes a lesser narc) husband do much damage to a scapegoat child
@Fifi La Fleur YES they do!!! I was told, "What happens within these walls, STAYS within these walls OR ELSE!!!" Kids have NO idea how badly they're being abused. It's normal to them. Also, I read what you wrote 5 months ago and about your cancer. I was SO excited to see a more recent comment!!!! You're still on here speaking your truth makes me so happy!!!! Survivor WARRIOR!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I moved 400 miles from home for college when I was 18, and then 900+ miles 4 years later. I remember my NF telling me I wasn’t going and I couldn’t move out. I stood up to him (first time ever) and told him I was technically an adult and he had no say in the matter. That one decision changed the trajectory of my life and made all the difference.
Perfect timing I can relate to this so heavy I was a scapegoat to a narc family and decided to take a lil break from them at my cousins house then came back to a malignant narcissists triangulation trap with other family members so I decided to leave the house fully and even tho I was homeless at the age of 19 for a while everything and all my spiritual gifts and blessings are coming back 10x stronger and I have very positive influence over everyone I meet.
I'm sorry this happened you 😔. This is me I say I'm busy then blow out of proportion either screaming or twisting words. This is so horrible 😢. The hot cofee was uncalled for. That's exactly what my mum would say.
Man thats terrible dude. Honestly I have a similar experience when ever i try to take care of my own domain my family will try the hardest to degrade you beyond anything in anything I mean everything. I recent took supplements for melatonin because i cant sleep for what i deal with., and my (closest) he flipped the fuck out saying its not necessary thats not like you thats not normal blah blah blah! and try anything to degrade you and make you miserable as hell. Also with that busy statement yes Ive had a response that wasn’t so humanitarian, lmfao Its nothing but the blame game scape goat games and all sorts of geeked up bullshit. How ever there are moments that swings alright to bad to alright again. its sickening and venal. I’ve came across this video for a reason wish me lots of luck. Its going to be interesting.
I moved out but I didn’t have any friends or family for support. It’s been very difficult being alone but it’s never as bad as being back at home with my narc mother. Support is super important.
Im currently trying to escape a narc mother. My mother has pulled my hair out of my head, thrown dry wall at my head while i was brushing my teeth, screamed at me until i was reduced to tears, threatened to make me homeless, controls my money, and calls me a failure and lost cause. The fact that i lost my job due to depression makes me deeply depressed, as this glues me closer to my narc mother. Anyways, on the positive note, i have two job interviews tomorrow. Wish me luck. I hope i can move out and find peace. Also, my father died due to liver problems related to drinking (he died in 2020) and ever since then, i have been absolutely miserable
Exactly this, the controling ways also ur finaces,physicall abuse,constantly demanding stuff, overly agressive, messing up the kids future and jobs,the playing with their reallity.
I experienced this many many times with my narc mother. I also recently experienced this with my narc former employer. In fact, coming to understanding about my narc boss helped me to gain understanding about the emotional trauma I suffered from my narcissistic mother. But that is another story! Yes, it is very difficult and the leaving is the most intense time. Their need to denigrate and devalue the scapegoat is so great it is nearly terrifying because when you sit back and think about it, you wonder, "if I were to have relented, what would have been waiting for me?" You know it is MORE OF THE SAME. My sister failed completely at leaving and is miserable and has twisted herself beyond any recognition.
This made me feel so seen and heard. I'm 26 and have been trying to move out for years, but they always tore me down and talked me out of every single plan I came up with, but not this time. My boyfriend is possibly about to get the job he's wanted for years now and we'll be moving across the country in a month or two. My parents have done everything they possibly can to talk me out of it and make my life hell for trying to leave them, but I will not let them steal my freedom again. My boyfriend will be earning 5x our rent and that still isn't good enough in their eyes for us to leave, so nothing ever will be. Move out day is gonna be hell but I know my freedom will be worth every second of it!
Thank god I was able to get out early. My codepended enabler mother rented me an own apartment, when I was 16. I moved there alone and she (secretly) gave me money every month to survive. Rather than stand up against my father she sent me out so the drama at home would stop. I was so thankful to her at the time, but now years later I understand how messed up that was also.
Here's to Brighter Tommorrows. With as Much Dignity Compassion and Respect To Yourself as You are to Others In Your Life that You Love and Respect. Suffering Less, Increases Your Potential for Peace & Prosperity.
I would love a video on practical ways to stay safe during this time. I’m so thankful for resources such as this one to help me rely on my internal wisdom. But practically I’ve feared for my life, sanity. Financial insecurity is also a challenge when breaking free of financial abuse/control. Thanks again
I just realized that my mom is a worker for my narc dad. She constantly tries to manipulate me into coming back "home". She is also a narc to some degree.
I typically don't comment on videos, but the example provided at the start of this video was almost spot on to what I had just gone through. I recently left my narc home, ill prepared, with nothing packed but my electronic devices I already had on me. I'm very fortunate to be staying in a very safe home with my friend's family, who are giving me means to eat, sleep, groom and clothing, and say that they will allow me to stay with them as long as I need to while they'll also help me get my legal docs and other info that's been withheld by my narcs who keep saying I'm not ready and jazz infantilizating me. I've gotten so much support from friends and the family I'm staying with, but the past couple of days have been miserable. Non-stop crying, so much guilt from leaving the only place I've ever known, that I was so dependent on. I even texted my parents trying to establish boundaries and mentioned that I'd consider returning if they changed, and they refuse to hear me out and are sending awful messages instead. I'm hoping to swap out my sim card today or tomorrow and then that's the end. They can't hurt me. I'm an adult. I'm 19. Sorry for the whole story but this video gave me hope
Don’t be sorry for sharing your story. I’m proud of you. I hope with therapy and having the freedom to learn yourself and love yourself, the guilt will be replaced with pride in yourself too. ❤
Wow Jay! Thank you once again!! For some reason it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact my parents didn’t have my best interest at heart. You explain things in a way that makes sense and kind of like you had a bird’s eye view of my childhood.
In other videos, Jay has said kids need to feel secure in their families to be able to function and be healthy. Even when we knew what our parents were doing was wrong, we held on to the belief that they were doing what they thought was right. As we learn more about healthy relationships and process the reality of what our childhood was, it's okay to feel confused. It can actually be a positive sign that your younger self and current self are merging. For me, it feels like I'm changing my memories. For example, I was called needy and I thought that I was, but I realized I was normal and they weren't emotionally available. Just wanted to share because it has really helped me to practice being "okay" with being confused.
I’m glad there are people who understand it’s so complex I’m still trying to recover. Went through this and turning 40 soon finally moving out of state and really considering not telling my family till the last minute because we are very minimal contact. Need the real healing to take place with distance. Giving it God.
Just got kicked out and man, a lot of my issues that I couldn't quite fix we're no longer issues once I was on my own. Its hard to describe but that voice dies down A BUNCH when you are actually on your own. It felt, to me, like I couldn't overcome my issues because the REAL issue was being around my parents. Maybe then you could find a job and feel better about yourself. Hope things work out and you are not alone!
I’m moving out of my toxic adoptive mothers house on September 1st it will be my first time on my own I’ve never been more terrified and excited for my future To find myself on my own terms I am 33
You just explained my whole life, my great aunt and uncle adopted me and unfortunately this was the product of it all… some was very positive but most of it wasn’t… still trying to get out so I’m studying and reprogramming my mind and creating a secret move out plan as a single parent at 33 with a 12 year old…. It’s truly something difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t had this type of upbringing, the mental chains are heavier than you can express…. I have to keep my progress to myself or they will tighten their grip on anything they can to keep us to stay… then gaslight you when you ever mention any of the ways you have been treated… God bless you all, we can do this. 💛
Every second day I contemplate to leave my house but I really don’t how I am gonna do it and the consequences of how I just run away will haunt me but it’s same time living with toxic family members makes me emotionally labile and depressed.i wish people we love can see what damage they do their loved one’s.
Also be ready to lose their " little gifts" such as comfort zone (food , roof , presents) and work for it alone . it may be harder but you will feel much alive with more satisfaction with life .
Wish I had friends, man. Would've been easier to have them as roommates. But can you believe I don't damn know anyone? Smh. I finally left my family today but I have to travel back many hours to where I'm from. Gonna look for an apartment.
Let me give you an advice as one who was exactly where you at. at first, when you start your independent person its pretty wierd feeling and you still need to process the change. but you will start notice that you changing for good and becoming a new better version of yourself and you will attract the right people to your life if's its people that may work with you on business together or friends - as long you out of toxic environment and you keep on developing Your life we change for ever - and those you got you down will have to adjust to new you one . GOOD LUCK
That's how I am treated. I constantly get yelled at or peptalked, about little things in the kitchen not being done, my grandma even wanted to be funny and put up a list of little things she wanted me to do. I should have torn it to pieces. She claims because I am the oldest, she expects more from me. She doesn't have the patience for emotional support. And she constantly criticizes everyone in the house when things aren't a certain way. And she walks around investigating and finding even the smallest things to get upset about, I feel as if she is doing it on purpose. I definitely cannot wait until I get the power to leave with everything I have. I would walk out and never ever ever ever, look back. For the longest, I have been the target for everything that goes wrong in the house. Or anywhere around them. But the worse part is she changes the way she acts when she is around the police or people she knows will ruin her life. I have been the most broken throughout my whole life. I am a toy that everyone throws at everyone they hate. The day I did an experiment just to see how far i would get is the day I knew it shouldn't have happened. I opened up my soft side and she and the whole family took advantage of me. But it wasn't just her, alot of kids made my life a living hell at school, i was angry and sometimes I would be a little too paranoid because I didn't know when another series of torment was going to begin. And so that's what started my starring problem. I grew into a deep depression and still to this day I feel isolated from everyone.
There is more responsibility on us as the eldest. My siblings are allowed to do whatever they want and live their lives but all the pressure and responsibility which should belong to my parents is put on me. I know that feeling it feels like you're stuck. It's hard to get unstuck but, I think that's what we have to do.
Perfect explanation to the problem I am facing. Except I moved into my mother's house with my two kids after my divorce. When I was about to leave there with my kids she went to cps told them lies and took my kids. Made me out to look crazy and used my sister's as her flying monkeys. My self doubt plagues me. How do I find a mental health professional who will understand my problem. My biggest fear is that they won't believe me or understand because I don't know how to describe my problem without looking crazy.
9:20 explained my current life. I was wondering why my mum is acting increasing verbally abusive and controlling and this part of the video explains it all. In the UK, students tend to leave for university to be independent after the age of 18 and I will be one of those students pretty soon. It now seems like every school break is an opportunity for these negative events to occur. At first, I thought it was my mum's anger issues but it is actually her narcissism that's the problem as a whole, including her attention seeking behaviour. To be honest, my relationship with my mum is mostly negative and I have been wondering why I have felt miserable my whole life. Her excuse is that she wants the best for me but I felt that something was wrong. If I try to stand up for myself and try to set boundaries, she will see this as an insult and that I am told how much I am fed and given everyday (from being born) and that I am disrespecting her. I feel so bad and now I think I have mental health issues. I hope that other people in the same situation as me are doing well.
This was 100 what I went through… it got violent too, as it often did at any expression of freedom or even happiness…. It’s crazy that this is the first time I’ve even heard this discussed… So glad for this channel 💜 … Some people need to move and never give a forward address… that’s what I’d do if I was able to go back… because it didn’t stop there… the severe interfering… showing up to my place, having the landlord let him in and not leaving for long periods of time… calling work, all kinds of wacky horrible stuff. I really wish human dynamics and love/loving communication was taught in school from very young. It could change the 🌎
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼💖💖💖 it is a whack strategy…deep belly breathing and taking one’s consciousness down to the level of the emotion, and remembering you are more than one emotion seems to work much better (shoutout to Thich Nhat Hanh and to the course group for the reminder on that)
This makes sense now. The week or 2 before I moved out I got my last “whipping” with a switch I had to pick and when it broke tennis racket from my tennis class I was taking at community college. All this got supposedly for getting the wrong pork chops from the freezer. I couldn’t cry anymore but I wasn’t prepared for life or college. I think when I got to college I was mostly just trying to heal. Nobody was talking about this as much then. I still doubted what I experienced was abuse, I couldn’t understand why my heart was always feeling like it was about to come out of my chest or why I would throw up for no reason. I only ran into more narcs back to back, she would Hoover me when I didn’t return phone calls show up unannounced and started a smear campaign to my resident advisor that I was on drugs. I didn’t understand why I used to feel like I was having a heart attack or throwing up for no reason . Or why I was so depressed, reading everybody’s comments and being able to express myself is helping me so much, for those of us that endured this we are blessed to have survived
Wow Jay! I divorced the narcissist 4 years ago...I have a 22 yr old, 18 yr old and 11 yr old...the first kiddo has left and the 18 yr old is a senior...so right in the middle of this process! Very helpful info to be able to help my kids!! He is demanding that the 18 yr old senior have 2 graduation parties! Because "his people" wont be around "your moms people ". She is struggling with what to do with that. I keep telling her graduation is about her and what she wants, and her dad cant control that! Its NOT up to him! Thanks for the backup!
My older brothers were able to escape so I was stuck with our widowed mother. I never did escape until she died in 2012. Both of my brothers dumped me. It’s probably the one thing that saved me.
The opening story is almost my exact story. My mother decided to move out and separate from my Dad the same weekend I graduated from high school. She left my Dad with 4 months of unpaid mortgage payments, money gone. Beforehand my Dad promised I could go to the university I got into. Now there was no money. Instead I got a few part time jobs and signed up for community college, for the next 5 years took me that long to complete 2 years of work in order to transfer to the university. I decided to plan it all on my own, finding grants and loans to make up difference. I will never forget going to my mother to tell her I was transferring to university and she screamed at me I couldn't go (I was 23 years old) and that I was selfish, why did I get to leave and she didn't. I went anyways. Many years later, I asked her why she reacted the way she did, and she said it was because she didn't want me to feel let down when I realized I wouldn't be able to go. I understood it as she didn't know how to help me financially so she felt it was impossible. However, I remember the words and her explanation isn't what I experienced from her. Later life changes, also precipitated my mother's confusing behavior including my marriage, having my children, and moving out of state.
Everytime I left I was belittled, manipulated and gossipped about until I returned over and over again. My mother used my child against me. It's been a nightmare. She poisoned his mind with abandonment by telling him I didn't love them by moving out. Now he can be disrespectful to me when he feels threatened. It's too much.
Im not a child anymore. These videos helped me to understand and change the why this why that. The process of healing is beautiful and this understanding was the next step on my journey.
I’m doing it now, leaving as I type to get keys for my new room and there’s already a light in the tunnel. It took 4 years to come to this conclusion because I was so unsure. I’m not even there yet and feel so happy. Leave guys.
Hi Jay - Can you talk about learned helplessness? I struggle with waiting for someone to give me permission or direction as I was often told as a child that I was stupid and that my ideas and opinions were wrong. I often wish something could be a certain way & later realize it’s entirely within my control yet it feels foreign to take immediate action when a desire is present. Some examples - waiting to be told how to proceed, wishing I could change the layout/decor of my home office, etc.
This is due to having been infantilized. You were probably at some point made to feel like your choices were inadequate. You should seek therapy. It's truly empowering.
I should have left years ago. I've been ignoring my narcissistic mother and I was berated with verbal abuse , harassed, and violated. It seems the more I ignore her the angrier she gets. I've basically been taking solace in parking lots. I only go back to take care of the dog who is ailing. I may sleep in the car tonight. I really need to move out but I don't know what to do or I'm afraid to do it.
This is true, like narcs want to control and be fun police. Other relationships strengthen us or atleast we're treated better. Narc want's to plant a seed in their OWN CHILDREN, who have nothing to do with THEIR PATHOLOGY, that we deserve the abuse and poor treatment. I lived 2 years alone with my NARC PARENT. He would monitor my friendships also. Who is calling etc. He projected that my needs where a burden. Poor guy, has to be that abusive , because his internal world is such a mess, and he's so devoid of his connection to who he really is, abandoned it. Needs to find somewhere else to scapegoat or project their rage at. Those 2 years where difficult. He was a control freak. I left that home graduated school early, and came back to my country where i felt free but to cope with the abuse sequels i drank a lot. Got sober and now im 3 years into unpacking the family trauma bullshit. I started by having a safe enough person who encouraged selfcompassionate talk to me , in a 12 step group that talks about the inner child, reparenting, and boundaries, for survivors of homes with alcoholic/ or dysfunction parents. I started talking nicer to myself and rejecting a lot of messages from my home or even from AA that where harsh on me to be honest inaccurate and untrue. Soon i also started noticing when others where sarcastic against me that uncomfortable, it took me a while of having support to start setting healthy boundaries , keeping them, and walking away if they're not respected (ofcourse there are a lot of different boundaries) and they also protect my dignity , value as a human. ,and needs. Ive developed a voice and like telling my story and speaking up for myself and staying true to myself, and there are narcisits out there who get triggered and try to get me to shut up, even if its in a safe place where replying in invalidating fashion to some one is actually forbided. I'm happy i have 3 years doing this even having done EMDR and some somatic experience. Im connected to my selfcompassion and self protection, and my true self and inner child, and like expressing who i am, and finding safe people and places to connect with and share my authentic self. Im a highly sensitve person , empath, and have thank God, and my attunement and work to stay true to myself and selfcompassionate , loving and protecting of myself and inner children retired the scapegoat role, but I still am somewhat of a truth teller like many "identified patients" are , all the family blame was tried to put on us, now i have good boundaries and communication skill, and have found safe enough places, to continue to externalize all the unfair family secrets and lies , to keep healing in safe enough places. Wishing everybody hope and strength in their journey, were not alone , this channel is helpful and their are oways of healing staying true to ourselves loving ourselves and protecting ourselves , and finding people where our authentic self is welcome . The world is awakening to what narc abuse / trauma is and we have more resources out there for healing. Sending blessings to all. Keep telling the truth about the fallacy of narcisistic abuse/ and keep healing , staying true to you and thriving. We matter we deserve selfcompassion, gentleness , selfcare , boundaries. andour needs matter. value ourselves God loves us!
I'm gonna leave this horrible household in a few months (6), I'll be turning 18 but my biggest concerns are money and job, I have no experience, no network or friends or family to contact and my highest education is a 5th semester of university... I don't know if I'll survive, I don't know if I'll get hired or if I'll get enough money for anything, but one thing for sure is that living in here is detrimental, painful, horrible and dangerous, I'm enslaved and rotting in here...
I turned 18 yesterday jan 13th I cannot believe someone is in the same situation as me my mom is the biggest narcissist alive she tell me and all my sibling that we will never move out bc were "immature" her favorite word you'll all be rapist,murderers robbers lyers committ ing sex crimes watching xxx movie's be trans gay liberal Democrat... Etc everyone my age makes fun of me for not having a job driver license car etc no one ever understand almost as annoying as my mom they are all so gross about it on there's the stupid guy... The only reason I'm on it ended is bc they don't know about it they buys us cheap amazon baby tablets that are ten years old and act there so cool I buy my own normal stuff and keep it a secret I would accept a non paid job for life to escape
I turned 18 yesterday jan 13th I cannot believe someone is in the same situation as me my mom is the biggest narcissist alive she tell me and all my sibling that we will never move out bc were "immature" her favorite word you'll all be rapist,murderers robbers lyers committ ing sex crimes watching xxx movie's be trans gay liberal Democrat... Etc everyone my age makes fun of me for not having a job driver license car etc no one ever understand almost as annoying as my mom they are all so gross about it on there's the stupid guy... The only reason I'm on it ended is bc they don't know about it they buys us cheap amazon baby tablets that are ten years old and act there so cool I buy my own normal stuff and keep it a secret I would accept a non paid job for life to escape
My mother never liked me but tried to stop me leaving home. It was okay to go overseas on a working holiday but not to really leave. My niece did a midnight flit to get away from my narcissistic sister. She was fortunate to have a car to travel to uni and her boyfriend's parents welcomed her to live with them. She achieved this by blaming her scapegoat brother for her having to leave.
My father contacted the principal of the college and told him to kick me out coz I never be anything(call me names) and mother and sister tried to literally tried kill /guilt me to destroy job prospects .sis and her teen daughter would sleep with boss or coworkers of mine and shame me for the dysfuctional family system of origin she also demand vast amt.of money fm my salary mthly nt to talk abt my family to ppl and sleep with them where possible. when Im just trying to live above the pain blame and shame to believe in my God given potential to excel inspite of them.various times during my career. my sis fav saying to me was " your pretending to be sombody".Dear beautiful ones:.all scapegosts were to remain unseen and unheard even when you become a butterfly,Jay that why they sabotage our ascension. ..but it was nt your shame or pain .survive the hell and live to tell the tale.claim you truth and dnt lose hope.love your work Jay🎈 Edit:all of issues outlined above was to get me to take care of the abusive narcs doing domestic chores (I saw a pattern: when they put me out of employment as a teacher. I was then" invited" to their house and was given pots and pans to scour while I had no life and they had full control.. while being caregiver 4 their offsprings. .)they need YOU to fail to feel alive and thats evil.
Yikes.there are others who suffered this evil fm family?!!for all of us here on this journey ,may your purity of heart enable your healing in the most amazing ways.namaste
Today is my first day living on my own!! 🙏
Congratulations you have inspired me so much.It is the only way otherwise you will get stuck for life
Good luck, get on with your own life, things can only get better. I did the same way back in 1977, never looked back.
*Smiles "Treat Yo'Self"
Hooray for you! I wish you nothing but peace at home and in yourself!
Congratulations!!
i didn’t even realize i needed to escape, i just went to college, then wondered why i felt so much more free and alive
this is what i want right now to move away and just start studying alone i will be much free and focused!
Same Here
Same here
College was the first time I felt not only free but people who actually love me unconditionally and treated me well
Exactly.
It's yet another bizarre aspect of this that they don't seem to want the scapegoat around, yet they don't want them to leave.
@Kangaroo3000 that sense of dread always hits when I pass the stoplight and turn the corner of our street. Never fails. That's my red flag
You are like a yo-yo and the parent(s) are playing with you. You get tossed about to and fro, confused, invalidated, insulted, disrespected, then retracted temporarily with some fake love bombing or other phony friendly behavior.
@blancotequilaThere's a shortage of affordable housing in America,and that has forced people to stay longer in toxic homes. This must change politically. A massive building campaign to testore the housing stock to the levels that were in place bfore homelessness started in 1981. That will enable anyone who needs to, to leave a bad home.
I pray that would ever happen … I’ve been living this crap for 29 yrs and am destroyed completely by the dysfunction idk if I can live.
I've had that sense of dread for years
I left home when I was 17. I was simply forced to leave by my narcissist mother. Behind it all she hoped i would fail miserably and end up the streets as a heroin addict. That way she could point at me and say to everyone that I was the problem all along.
Anyway I'm delighted to say I disappointed her. Through blood sweat and tears I put myself through university and got a degree and a masters in electrical engineering. Worked all sorts of shitty jobs along the way to fund myself. Eventually bought my own house so i could feel safe again, have lots of nice friends around me. I haven't seen my mother or her alcoholic enabler husband in years and that suits me just fine.
My step-mother did the same. I also got an Engineering Degree and am the only one of my father's kids. That is doing well. I have no debt, own a home, great career, great family. And my brothers are broke with one still living at home at 40.
What's hilarious is growing up my Step-mother said that i was growing up spoiled and her kids (my 1/2 brothers) weren't. Yet I'm the hardest and smartest working one out of all of them.
@@eq2092i am more than happy that you are free now, and i wish you all the best. But i would like to ask you something i have a mother who is extremely controlling over my life, she isn't a bad mother but also not a great one. She doesn't trust my vision of my future and doesn't care about my opinions. It makes me mentally sad and tired and i have depression for over 3 years now. Should i leave her? And follow my dreams or stay with her and do what she wants and let my dreams die?
@@eq2092i'm 18 btw
@@FinanceWageSlave I recommended therapy and without know more of your specific story I can't offer advice. Age, income, job, savings, education, living situation, etc ...
P.S. I joined the military and that's how I got away and became independent.
Congratulations on your success!! Sorry that happened to you at such a young age. I know you're telling the truth as I found out a few years ago that my youngest sister didn't run away from home, but our mother told her to leave. I just recently thought about where I would have been if I left my narcissistic mother. I wish I was brave to have left but I thank God of where I'm at now. God Bless and keep healing ❣️
Guys I couldn't wish this on anyone. This life is Hell. I feel trapped in here and there is no way out without valuable loss.
There's a lot of us. You're not alone. We need not to react and to just go and not let them know what we're doing.
You are definitely not alone, i acted up without thinking recently because i realized I deserved to be treated like a human being and i cant even type what happened to me in this comment section but please hang in there, try to find a way out.
It's difficult but, the key is not to take the bait. I'm learning that if I don't respond then, I won't be dragged into their way of thinking or what they think of me.
@@mysteriousmysteries75 did it go well with you in the end? I'm still trapped here but I am very hopeful I will get out this time. I just hope it's legit and not a scam.
@@itz_kale7791 Thank you so much. I receive that and will not take the bait. I am a soft hearted guy (compassionate, nurturing, caring, kind, and generous) and unfortunately these parents of mine played on that and are severely irresponsible for their choices and behavior. I am talking about criminal past behavior, financial irresponsibility, and emotional hostility. One of the parents (a blatant narc) are gone and neglected his child (he have been in and out of prison) and the parent that is making my life hell right now is abusive and narcissistic. I sometimes see these parents like animals I observe at a zoo. I wonder how and why they do what they do despite I understand, but it's still funny but crazy in a way.
I left 5 nights ago and the back pain I’ve had for 6 years has already gone.
I'm so happy for you!
happy for you ❤
I need help escaping... I don't know what to do
@@KcMcclary Stay safe, first. Keep your secrets. Don't tell anyone. Act like you usually do, don't let him know you're doing anything different. Start planning how to get your precious things out of his reach. Hide money. Don't get caught.
@@lindac6919 okay I'll do my best and keep to myself as much as possible, lock the bedroom door, and sleep with as much protection as I can get by my side.
You have to smile and be nice to the narcs. Get money, save every dime and keep it secret. Do not tell narc parents what you are doing. Use the internet wisely; sell stuff online and keep learning. Get out as soon as you can and disappear. Go no contact. Do not be "hoovered" (sucked) back in by anyone so they can continue where they left off. Do not give out your new address or phone number. Make it impossible to be found.
To anyone abused planning to escape do this.
and I'm DRILLING home the point Jones makes above: DO NOT GET SUCKED BACK IN. NEVER EVER GO BACK. And if you find yourself hurting and doubting: watch vids/get support.
Believe me from experience and TWENTY FIVE YEARS of compounding trauma that ruined the chance I had to salvage the little self worth I had- now gone, slowly chipped away...
It's hard but with enough time COMPLETELY APART FROM ANY INFLUENCE OF THEM and support.... The brainwashing starts to fade and your true remains begin to break through.....
Strength and love.
Do you leave a note?
"You're defective for wanting to leave", for setting boundaries, for saing NO to abuse or manipulation, for doing things good for yourself etc.
When you're the Scapegoat, you're defined as Defective and Inferior to everyone else, period, starting with the "Family" of origin, and then you go out into the world and it's repetition compulsion which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy - Hell on Earth. The Trial - Franz Kafka
Chastised for needing & belittled for wanting. I edited myself at an age of 5 or 6 years old. Therefore, once we leave home , we are set up to be f" ing doormats !!! It was difficult to allow ourselves to be Happy, drama free, to say NO, that personal suffering from being needless was bullshit !
I really can't wrap my head around this ridiculous belief of theirs.
All my life I tried to understand when others used the term “self-soothing”. Years and years I struggled with the very concept. I realized yesterday that self-care IS self-soothing and I know now it’s not selfish.
@@elizabethkeller6040 ❤️!
These parents will still control your life even after leaving, moving. Going no contact is when their true nature comes to destroy everything about the scapegoat child.
Yeah they can never change
This is why you relocate, block numbers, block email addresses, and separate completely.
That is exactly what I had to do. And it all worked out for my best interest.
You can do it once you realize that you have to.
And I got lucky six years ago when my mother died. The head of the Hydra was cut off.
Moving is hard when you yourself are so vulnerable, have social anxiety, triggers and struggle advocating or speaking up for yourself
I have the same problem
Yes, me too I am alone and have no support.
This is true. The mental abuse from childhood made me to have a terrible start when I was 18 and recession occurred. I was unemployed for years, going to college. My ADHD and the mistakes and anxiety that it causes me are what feeds my narcissistic parents more. I truly wished I had began to work as soon as I turned 18 to save money, but yet I was worried about my little sister. My narcissistic mother and father would have blamed me for anything that could have gone wrong with her, but in the end she was a narcissist as well and she was playing mind games. The narcissistic family relationship caused me so much cognitive dissonance that I truly have brain damage. I wished I had not gone to college and wasted years of life just to have a harder time to get a job. It prolonged my stay with them and now I am sick and fatigued at a daily basis. My ADHD time blindness also affects me. It was difficult to leave my home because I was brainwashed to be dependent on them, was afraid for my mother and sister in abandoning them with a sick psychopath father, and housing crisis and unemployment have made it impossible. In the US there is no sense of family no less if your family is narcissistic.
@jacqueslee2592 it's crazy how they brainwash you to be dependent to them. You won't recognise how much they stripped you of who you are and your freedom until you move out.. luckily I felt this for a bit even if I stayed a short time elsewhere. Funny how you beat yourself up for finishing college but I'm beating up myself for not!
@@jacqueslee2592Omg I'm so sorry that happened 😢❤🌹
I’m 32 & finally realised this what I’m dealing with, the day I finally leave for good will be the best day of my life
It's like an abusive marriage. The parent will stalk you after you move out.
This all had happened me. Got me thrown into mental hospitals and arrested and completely shattered my ability to be independent
I feel really sorry they did that to you 😭
Awful
ALSO DID THE SAME FOR ME when I tried to escape
@@MarianaFerreira-l1fIt's best to be left alone, that bad company
The whole "I love you/ I hate you" splitting from the narcissistic family is so confusing and the cause of so much self-doubt about leaving. I finally started college courses in my 30s where I take psychology classes. That is where I gained my self worth and power to leave my family of origin. When I started college, my family disgraced me and belittled me about it. Now I understand they don't want you to grow and learn because they know you will figure them out and leave.
I also started uni later 21/22 tho but having to live in the same house during uni feels like a hell idk how imma do this for 4 years I defiently want to get out of this country also but in 4 years what if it becomes impossible 😭
I went through the same experience. Narcissistic parents do not want you to grow or develop into a normal adult. If they can damage your brain so that you can be brain dead, parents with this condition or tendency will do this so that you can be attached to them, depending on them.
absolutely.
@jaqueslee2592
😱 YES... That makes total sense to me now .. I do fell like I can't even think through the most simple things and i cant accomplish any paperwork things- i never used to be like this... But after the last time living and finally leaving... (You'd think my brain would IMPROVE!) I've... 'regressed,' ..... I'm only guessing it's cause I stayed in that too long and too much damage .. and also the controller telling me what to and not do is gone... And I've yet to develop my own way of thinking or basic functions... EVERYTHING 'overwhelms' me ..
Omgosh this is a very good point ..
I'm praying I'm not too old or damaged and will get my brain back... Im actually scared since noticing this ..
I wasn’t prepared to leave, with everything scary and dangerous about leaving, and then feel extra guilty for months afterwards as I watched my parents’ lives fall apart!
I didn’t realize how much they depended on me as the scapegoat to keep things running
That could be the same with me. My mother left my father 3 months after I married and left home. She had nobody to project her hateful character on any more. Perhaps she was being forced to see herself as she really is.
They will burn their own lives down just to make you suffer, and in turn that makes them feel superior. Its so f'ing warped.
@@yamlwoz Awful people. I do not understand how someone can be so demonic to a child they birthed.
Yes, the scapegoat is the grease for the dysfunction.
I moved back in a for a few months after going no contact. When I left again, my mother passed away. Five months after I left. I feel so guilty but she had been sick for a while. I cannot go back there,I know I will be blamed by other members of the family who cannot cope. This hurts so bad.
Remember it's a matter of life and death, your ONLY life so keep in mind not to tell your narcokiller parent/partner or anyone related, any of your good news. Regardless of you age, keep it a secret all of your achievements, hobbies, dreams, so they won't be even more jealous and envious of you and try to frustrate your scaping plans and/or increase their rage-tantrum like behaivor towards you.
Be sure to seem gray, sad, obidient and share only your bad experiences so that they won't suspect your inner joy which is holy for your sanity.
Or, remove them from your life entirely don’t hide your happiness at all!
Great advice and it has always worked for me
What about jobs, clients and things career-wise? Would you share that with them?
@@marlenaeva3813 Heck no
I was doing this and doing so good, then let my cards show after she baited me into an argument and gave up my power. Now I’m mad at myself for making things worst instead of staying under the radar and appearing to be unphased. Now I have to come up with another plan to break free… 😩
I just read a comment that the armed forces are an option for Scapegoats that need out quickly. Good comment. Often females will opt for marriage to quickly get out of the parent’s house, but unfortunately, because of our childhood abuse, we consistently choose partners that have the same controlling behaviors as our parents. And that turns into a lifelong battle against narcissistic partners. I’m a senior now and finally got out of my last narcissistic relationship. Thanks for the tips on leading a healthy life!
Went through army basic training and it was easy for me, I had a great time. This was in the 80s when all the bullying was as standard. Just think on that, your so messed up in the head army basic is a vacation for you. You're used to dealing with senseless unattainable standards, having no privacy, trying to not be the focus of attention and the only peace I got at home was when I was out working or exercising so was fit as a fiddle.
@@jelkel25 : That’s a sad story, but how very true. Being on guard from infancy. I never thought I’d fit in the military, but I’ve regretted not joining.
THIS !!! Took the words right out of my mouth …
Exactly, I felt that the train was leaving me and at 27yrs got married out of desperation to another narc. Fast forward and now my son and I live with my parents, I have a basic job and a limited ability to save money, celiac disease in both my son and I doesn’t help nor my gas guzzler. I think the gas guzzler will have to go. If I never would’ve gotten married, I would’ve had more freedom, and wouldn’t be as trapped. Getting married again would be a quick escape, however now I am very very cautious about who I bring into my life.
Humans regardless
My narc mother considered me a nuisance and a bother throughout my growing up years. By the time I was in my early 20s my mental and physical health had deteriorated to the point I needed hospitalization. At that point, my mother wanted to completely discard me right when I needed care. When I gained strength, I prepared to move out, at which time she did a 180 and told me I would fall flat on my face and how selfish I was to 'abandon' the family (apparently forgetting how she wanted to abandon me when I was in hospital). I moved out. She disinherited me.
That must have been very painful ❤
I am sorry for all you went through. It doesn't make sense to me that narcissist parents make you feel so worthless yet when you try to leave they resort to all kinds tactics to keep you from leaving. Happened to me also.
The older they get the worse they get.
GOOD FOR YOU you’re so strong and brave I’m super proud of you cause whew. God know that was awful. It’s heartbreaking. But I wish you all the best in your healing journey & your inevitably lovely peaceful life! ❤
@@donnakelley1202THIS !!!!!!! My mom amped it up to kicking me out during finals week in my 20s.. A few years later assaulting me on mother's day for defending myself against my sexually abusive sister .. a few years later then sabotaged a potential marriage partner, stole my church family from me by turning them against me, a few years later sexually assaulted me (a few mos ago). My sister discovered she's giving all mine and my sisters inheritance money to my stepdad too that she got from my DAD in the divorce
It gets WORSE for some of us.
I am 32 and still living with my narc parents. they have prevented me from finding a partner and also from getting an appropriate job that doesn't stress me out like crazy. hopefully things change.
Find a way or make one! Good luck
Things don't change themselves, you have to change them. If not, in 12 months you'll be in the same spot.
Bless you. You have to start making secret plans.
I feel that. I moved out from the narcs' place in my mid 20s (to a flat owned by my half safe sister) but was financially dependent on the narcs till I was around 34, also because of them manipulating me into crappy low paying jobs. I lucked out when I got a not too toxic pretty well paying job and strategically didn't tell my family of origin how much I was paid while implying it wasn't all that much, gradually saved up a safety sum for periods of being unemployed, and didn't have to come grovelling for help anymore. My unsolicited but hopefully not entirely useless advice is, learn to feed them vague half-truths while implying things aren't going particularly well, and undersell prospective jobs to them. Obviously you know your own situation better than I do, but that helped me to keep them from undermining the good things I got.
Pls leave, it'll get worse.
Currently Living with narc parents under the same roof and It’s hell. I need out
Me too
Same
Same moved out 23 moved back in 2020 and I'm 29 now . I felt i was making progress when I was out .
It's very difficult trying to work and save not be tormented every sec of the day
@@purplediamondify 🫂 ❤️
I left my narcissistic parents as soon as I graduated from university. I found a job in another city but it was not easy at first. Besides the difficulties of living in a different city full of strangers, I also faced guilt and shame because of leaving my parents. I really appreciate my boyfriend's support in these days. It is really important to get safe people's support to deal with narcissistic abuse.
You're right.
So true about the safe people thing! My boyfriend makes me feel supported enough to leave them without guilt
You shouldn't feel bad that you left your narcissistic parents. Be glad that you're free from them.
Great topic Jay!! As a child, I used to tell ppl my career goals were to "get out of the house". 😁
I'm in my mid-30's and I still live with and work for my narcissistic parents. Unfortunately, work and home is in the same neighborhood and my parents are participants of a smear campaign that has ruined my reputation and turned almost everyone against me. Even though I have a Masters degree, I don't have the confidence, energy, or drive to find a job and live independently. I'm afraid of failing and not being able to make it out on my own. I've been waiting for my parents to retire but I don't think I should wait any longer. I should live for myself, not for them. I should have done this a long time ago but I only realized they were narcissists about 2 years ago. I don't have any support. The only person I trust is my brother, who is the scapegoat and is currently worse off than me (in terms of health, education, outlook). It may take some time, but I hope that I can escape with my brother in the very near future.
This is apart of it I feel like narcissistic parents and narcissistic workplaces go hand and hand and cooperate with each other
They’ll have you thinking you’re a bad person or some shit it’s really weird man
I needed this 30 years ago. However, after a narc parent, nothing worse can happen unless you let it.
Indeed but try to make research more and more be calm and confident either you are alone or in front of 'em don't argue them because that's how they suppose and they will definitely beat you till they ate all your energy and make you dry
My mother told me that I would certainly be raped should I move out into a house that I purchased on my own and without her input. I moved out anyways!
Wow. She went that far?
Mine forbade college for the same reason. Instead, I got married and rape was a daily occurrence 😑
Wow. What a strange thing to say. These people are so odd
@@ruthhamilton4882 😢
@@ruthhamilton4882 that is so unfortunate btw which country r u from ?
10:50. Thank you for coming right out and saying that. I get SO SICK of "experts" and general loudmouthed louts for blaming the victim for not leaving.
Even the excellent book "the Gift of Fear" expresses that attitude. That's why I never recommend it - even though the rest of it is right on point.
Because following that advice about leaving, could get you killed.
Stay alive today; leave tomorrow.
Make a plan to get out, without them knowing. Tell no one.
After being the scapegoat for my entire life I’ve finally decided it’s time for me to leave and never come back after I was attacked by my older brother and my mother joined in while also blocking me from running away from him! I honestly struggle with this because I feel so betrayed by these people that I really cared for. My father never cares about what happens
Thats sad hopefully everthibg works out
😢 I hear you; I'm sorry
Exactly this i went trough as well,being attacked physically by brother and mother and the father is just almost never present mentally neither. This was when i refused their agressive way of demanding stuff from me on a daily without my needs being met and used against me. They all attacked me physically
I got married at 18 years old and spent the first 2 or 3 years being afraid that I'd only done it to be able to escape my covert narc mother and emotionally empty father. 47 happy years later I'm grateful to say that obviously wasn't my only motivation.
I was so desperate to leave home as a teenager that when I was in my senior year of high school I exclusively wanted to apply to schools that I would have had to move to. My parents pressured me so hard into going to the local university that did not have a program for my field of study. I fought with them for nearly two weeks about going away to school and they guilted me saying they couldn't afford it, but also wouldn't let me apply for grants or loans and planted doubts in my head that I wouldn't be able to survive away from home. I eventually gave in and went to the local university to make them happy. Of course the abuse got to continue for 4 more years and by the time I got my degree I felt nothing. No pride, no joy, no sense of accomplishment. Of course my other two siblings got to choose where they wanted to go and, surprise, they both went away for school and my parents paid for them.
I moved out two years ago and they weren't supportive at all. They told me I wouldn't make it on my own, that I'd hate it and I'd lose all my money on rent and come back to them broke. They raged at me when I told them I was going to move in with my boyfriend and that I had the right to choose who I lived with. The entire time I was searching for apartments, getting furniture and all that, they made sure I knew they were miserable and disapproving. I was called disrespectful, ungrateful, uncaring etc for the basic adult thing of moving out. They still see it as my biggest betrayal and hold it against me to this day. The entire time I lived at home I felt like a burden and was treated as though I was "difficult" because of my depression and rich inner world (they called that my "being too sensitive"). They took no interest in me, didn't like my friends or my partner and talked me and them down constantly. Yet they were shocked and devastated that I wanted to move out. I am no contact now and I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn't unalive myself because life is so much better now. Thanks to therapy and the scapegoat child recovery community I can understand my circumstances growing up, how it affects me and that I am not the only one who experienced this mental torture.
This is so me! I couldn’t use their info for the FAFSA, but my brother could, and he could get money out of them. Glad I made my own way though. Many of us will survive difficult times ahead!
@@harp2682 I know how you feel. I'm so sorry it's happening.
I can relate so hard to this! My dad sat me down for a long lecture telling me the same thing, that I'm gonna hate it, I won't be able to afford it (we make 5x our rent on one income), and that I'm gonna regret picking up and moving so far from home. They really do get so desperate when they know their grip is slipping, they try every last tactic to break your spirit and make you believe you can't do it. I thank god every day that my best friend has been moved out for many years and has been able to tell me when they're lying to me about how hard it really is to live on your own. Having a support system has saved me
Even my eczema disappeared when I went to college. My skin always got terrible when I went back home
Seen narcissistic abuse cause auto immune disease first hand. Sad
Maybe it was stress
My mom has been bugging me to move back in with her for the last two years. First, it was so I could 'save money by staying with her,' even though she was asking me for the same amount in rent that I was already paying. Then, it was 'its too expensive/unsafe out there! You'll never be able to afford something in a good area!' Because, naturally, she 'only had my best interests at heart.' Recently, I told her I wanted to keep growing into my full independence and had decided to move to a smaller town I could afford and she outright lost it. Her mask slipped and I've never seen her look so crazy. She told me that if I refused to move in with her, she'd follow me wherever I went...
OMG! She is batsh*t crazy!
Too funny. Give her a false address of another town 1000km away from you.
I told my mother that if she needs me and my rent to stay with her it must be time she goes into a nursing home where professionals can care for her in her fragile state. She crapped her pants!
You can call the police if she stalks you and that will put her in her place.
What in the world?!!! You have got quite a situation there...
Never forget that happened. This person is not well. Keep going forward with your plans.
Living on my own has been pretty tough but I had no other choice.
Jay, your insights into narcissistic parents' behavior are so clear. Now, 55 years later, the bell still rings on my preparations to leave home at 19, bus ticket and money in hand. My father, 6' 3", a professional athlete, hit me on the back of the head with a 2x4 board, then beat me up. Yet, I still left my family, I still survived, I still went back to school and earned two masters degrees and made a success of my life by my own terms and in spite of them. And my life keeps getting better.
Your channel helps make sense of it all. How I wish your knowledge had been available then but glad you are here now.
Same. I'm glad to come across his channel. Life changing. I also survived and made something of myself with a company built from scratch that was seen in Forbes Africa with no formal education - completely self taught. I taught myself to read, write and critically think. Bathe myself, brush my teeth, dress myself, use a tampon and a pad. I completely raised myself. I remember the first time I walked into some high end designer stores (manolo, jimmy choo, gucci, versace, rolex, graff, harry winston, etc) on my own, with my money in my pocket to shop.. it was surreal bcos I never had new clothes growing up but we weren't poor. We had the mercedes, the Jaguars, Rolls Royce, etc, outdoor and indoor (heated) pools, gardeners, cooks, stewards, etc and were surrounded by wealthy people (1% and upper middle). The bio-incubator who birthed me always had the nicest most expensive clothes while I looked like dobby the elf, with a shaved head to boot. She tried to traffic me to an international European prostituion ring. I refused (always been strong willed - she hated that) and she tied my hands behind my back and my feet together. Dumped me in the shed. I was there for 2days and night in the dark with no food, water or bathroom. Rats and roaches crawling everywhere. There are so many more instances of tortures like this. She successfully trafficked my older sister and she ended up committing suicide. I cannot comprehend that degree of evil... I still struggle with impostor syndrome sometimes (not as much as before tho) and the imbedded-in-my-psyche-voices from my childhood. The solution I'm working out is that even though I may sometimes view myself a certain way, this is not the reality of who I am, but the conditioning of my childhood. The only way to have a true perception of myself is to view myself thru my accomplishments in life and the currency of respect it has brought me. That I have single handedly landed myself at the top of the socio-economic ladder and provided safety and security for myself - against. all. odds.
I can walk with my head held high. I'm an accomplished woman of dignity, well respected. It's astonishing. Not a junkie. Not a single mother. Not evil hearted. Unbroken spirit. Still has the ability to laugh. High energy. Large capacity love. Not a doormat. A literal miracle. I would like to write a story of my life someday (with the help of a ghost writer). It's an astonishing tale of "Against. All. Odds".
EDIT - Oh, and I want to add that I grew up in a 3rd world, breathtakingly corrupt, patriarchal hellhole with no infrastructure or govt asst. A place where women are seen as less than human - only for breeding and degradation. Intelligence is viewed with suspicion, innovation is shut down and actively frustrated, any attempt at doing better is cut down, often thru the application of violence. A society where if you're beautiful, the automatic assumption is that you're a prostitute and people will literarily insult you as you walk down the street. If you're' strong willed, you must be broken down to size (often thru violence - the women will join in too), if you have no family to validate you, you're worthless. If you do not have formal education, you're a nobody. So, imagine the trifecta of no formal education, no family validation and being quite beautiful. I left "home" at 16 and I've been homeless most of my life, I've slept out in the open, gone without food for days, begged strangers for money to eat but still refused to be degraded by the males in my society for my survival, in spite of the pressure from all sides. There is literally no other option but to sell your body, but somehow I still found a way AND came out of all that to where I am today ? A literal miracle.
@@ibabechanel wow!!! ❤️!!!
❤️!!
They don’t even want us to know there are men out there who now see us as full human beings . That’s what “hot” means now, and it doesn’t mean Neanderthal oafs anymore and those oafs can’t stand it.
nice
I think I mentioned this before, I joined the British Army, many years ago. For a teenager without money, it gives you
1. A roof over your head, and you get fed 3 times a day
2. Regular money
3. You're not alone
4. Plenty of real challenges, bigger things to worry about than bad parents
5. Friends in the same situation
6. Military training actually builds you up mentally, not just physically and the training staff want you to do well.
7. You will start to realise that your life has a new meaning and gives you a different perspective on how things really are.
When you do go home on leave, things will still be the same, but you will have changed, you will see how dysfunctional they are.
Although many years ago I remember our platoon Sergeant telling us that kids from dysfuntional homes do well in the army and don't get homesick.
When you change everything changes.
Similar me, I remember being punished by NCO but it always was for what I did or didn't not because of me personally. That was a huge difference compared to my family home. Everyone was treated the same, awesome time.
See my comment above. I remember Richard Grannon talking about how he trained with some high level SAS, SBS, Paras, Royal Marine Commandos, etc. He said after they were done training how they’d talk about their dysfunctional childhood leading them to elite units. That blew my mind.
I wish I had options I am a . Girl in pakistan
I'm gonna join the US military. I don't see any other choice for myself.
It’s so much worse because I am Autistic, and she has made me doubt myself in what I could do and accomplish that I can’t even drive if I wanted to leave. I’m at my breaking point, and I can’t do it anymore. And I’m in college, but the dorms are horrendous.
Me too I have bpd and issues
I had that experience. Suicide became an option, I begged my dad, two states away, who just walked out on us to come get me. He did. He and my mom are narcissists but mom was violent after being walked out on. Later in life I commissioned as an Air Force Officer. Huge revelation that being a scapegoated child lends itself to being extremely successful in the military. The sensitivity and intuition I have mitigated a terror attack with much advance notice. This probably isn't surprising when you think about it. At this point in my life your videos are helpful as are the writings of Rene Girard on the scapegoat mechanism. Thank you.
True as well when leaving a marriage to a narcissist. My mother escalated her abusive behaviors when I differentiated myself as I grew into adulthood. My multiple attempts were not quite successful so I chose marriage at age 20 - unconsciously thinking this transition would be acceptable. It was terrible. And of course - I had unwittingly married a narcissist. Be compassionate with your self talk. You can do this. Jay’s channel is a huge gift.
I really had no idea that my family, mother was sick. WOW. Took me years and years to come to terms, understand the abusive attack I received. I am now 58yrs old. It was so awful. I was/am a drunk, whore, gave birth to my only child, she told everyone I gave birth to a drug baby. WTF!!!! She still at it towards me, now my son, who is 23, my mother is 92#!! And I have 7 siblings, or I should say, 7 flying monkeys . However, I am not them. I am not them.
@@elizabethkeller6040 It is a shock to accept the smear campaign from the narc that went on for years behind your back. They will slander the scapegoat to anyone who will listen, usually other narcs, who enjoy joining in. The narc will claim to be a martyr and a saint for having to put up with you. They are addicted to this behaviour and pursue it with a laser focus.
It is so difficult, having been raised like this, to understand you were trained to be a doormat and accept their abuse. It leads to more abuse because the scapegoat lacks healthy boundaries and a healthy way of defending them. Toxic people realize you will accept being treated poorly.
Sorry you went through this, Elizabeth. Your story is very similar to mine. Survivors have very similar stories since narcs all use the exact same playbook. It's time for survivors to write their own book.
@@kingbee9778 Thank You. Survivors , we are.
@@elizabethkeller6040 GO NO CONTACT.
Do so, now.
@@elizabethkeller6040 Hopefully, you and your son can go no contact,and have the means to do that.
My mother keeps asking how i am. I know better now than to answer that question. It's a trap! Just don't engage, they will lose interest.
Or when they pop into your life for no reason or unexpected
Reminds me of my mother. My pat answer for her is “fine. Everything is fine.” I also told other friends and relatives to say the same thing to her no matter what if she started fishing around asking them about me.
Often will my mother give me the 'I hear you' response when a issue is pointed out personally, notably clear that things could only worsen as she already takes herself to be completely fine.
Facts
It really is. It took so long for me to realize that any contact is just an open door to them to continue the bad acting and to keep hurting.
Mine just kept me financially dependent on them almost to my mid 30s with larger part of that strategy being nagging and shaming me into taking low paying jobs that wouldn't sustain me on any level. There were 2 distinct periods, one about 9 months and the other over a year, when I worked my butt off full time with constant overtime and couldn't afford even basic groceries, forget about bills, clothes, etc. And the narcs "graciously" paid for me while scrutinising my every shopping decision from brand of noodles to personal hygiene items and underwear. Also, they still think I'd do literally anything at the prospect of free food, like a food motivated pet.
Same with my parents. They don't want you to be financially independent. Take care.
Well, they see what they are. It's called narcissistic supply...food...that they do anything to get...controls their life. So maybe thats why they give you that feeling, its something that they would do and have no common sense about hurting others.
I always wanted to go to college and then onto university, but thanks to my controlling mother it was never meant to be. When all my school friends were preparing for choosing colleges, I already knew my mother wouldn’t allow that. She told me I wasn’t clever enough and that the family could not afford to pay for college. I tried to challenge but to no avail. My high school form tutor asked me why I wasn’t applying to colleges and I explained that my parents wouldn’t support me. To my shock and surprise he turned up at our house that evening to talk to my parents, explaining that I was in the top stream that was expected to go onto college and then university. My parents were delighted to receive the praise, probably because it reflected well in them, but after he left, the answer was still no.
I later enrolled at evening classes with some friends. I was in the process of trying to get the qualifications to get to university. I admit I lied to my parents about what courses I was taking. I was working in an office at the time and I told them I was taking typewriting courses which was a lie. Sadly, I didn’t think things through and when I completed the first year and passed my exams, the certificates were sent in the post to my home address and my mother always opened my mail. She was furious with me. I was 17 when this happened. She told my father who was equally angry. I was made to feel like I was disobedient and a liar. After that, no more night school. I was grounded. I was also cut off from my friends.
I gave up on the idea of college or university after that, but I knew I needed to get out. My father hit me because I’d lied to them and he blacked my eye. At work I had a very supportive female manager who took me aside to ask about my eye. I initially told her it was an accident but then she said that everyone knew my parents and what they were like. We lived and worked in a small community. I told her what happened and she said that I needed to leave, and so she helped me to get an apartment, she helped to falsify my pay slips so my mother didn’t know when I had a pay rise (pre-computer days), and she helped me to set up a post office box account so my mail could be redirected.
12 months later I moved into my own apartment on my 18th birthday. I didn’t tell my parents until the day I picked up the keys to the apartment. My mother flew into a rage and through me out. She wouldn’t let me collect my belongings. I moved into my apartment with just the clothes I was wearing! My mother burned everything I owned. My clothes, and worse still, my precious books.
Controlling parents are the worst, but I am glad to say that I never gave up on my dream to go to university. It would take many years before it happened, but in my early forties I could afford to put myself through full time university, and I qualified and had my graduation day. I guess I won in the end.
I'm so glad you got there, Ruth. I can relate to parts of this story and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that to achieve something totally reasonable!
Your story is so inspiring
This made me teary. I have a similar situation only that i went to school for veterinary nursing and my dad did nothing but put me down for jt to the point that after 5 years i quit and he nevwr supported any choices or goals I had. So, i spent 20+ years trying to make him happy and just floating along with his demands. Well, I'm done with it. I'm moving out of state and he won't find me. Time to live my life.
Your story was so inspiring.
My enabler father forced me To go to a local uni even tho I wanted to go abroad he said no but then my two years gone and I started uni at 21 almost 22 feels so bad but Corona and then narc mothers plan to move countries did that for me
Even tho I might have to wait for the masters to study abroad atleast I get a bachelor's but now I gotta live in their house 4years of that feels like hell and then waiting till my mid twenties idk if it's even worth it anymore major in business data analytics bs?😭
Now I think about my situation after reading Ur story it made me feel grateful for my grandfather who is the real reason y my father probably forced me into uni just to please my grandfather idk what my narc mother would have done otherwise my grandfather even got me a laptop I have to admit I am not the best student during school and I wish I had better grades do I could have gotten to go abroad but atleast here I can study idk it just feels like a regret for wasting those 2 years we graduate school at 19 then did expect me to study abroad however never helped me at all
I feel guilty for starting uni late 😭 atleast u were better then me I guess I don't have to work just study BUT I feel like I should have studied abroad to get away from this toxic household and my first mids didn't go that well I m scaredd however I hope I can somehow make a high gpa but
During adolescence I had a lot of resilience despite being the scapegoat. I was regularly trying to separate myself from my family, I just didn't know it at the time. I met my best friend Erin during middle school, I spent most weekends at her house. Erin's family was warm and made me feel valued. It was a contrast from my home where me and my four siblings were subjected to threats and feared our borderline mom. The main target was my father during childhood but my mom redirected the target onto me during middle school and my father did nothing not protect me.
My mom's control over me took effect when I was older during college. This is the same period my sister, who I had considered to be my best friend, became close with my mom. My mom's coercion was regularly deployed using my sister as her proxy. I wanted to please my sister so I regularly put my needs on the backburner to please the family. There were a couple times I wanted to move away during my 20s and my mom had a meltdown each time. In hindsight I should have just moved and not announced my plans beforehand but we were conditioned since childhood that we needed our parents blessing before we made big life decisions. I was always convinced to stay, often overwhelmed with the guilt of being separated from my family. The subsequent years were the loneliest years of my life, I was often blamed, attacked and isolated by mom and two sisters. I remember in 2017 they went on vacation together and did not invite me. My two sisters flew back early and chose an airport 90 minutes away to save money. They expected me to drop everything and pick them up in the middle of the work day, which I did since I was a people pleaser. I had learned long ago that saying "no" and asserting boundaries were not optional for me. I picked them up from the airport and drove three hours round trip, they did not offer gas money. I had to go back to work that afternoon because I was busy with financial month end close at my job.
When I went no contact a couple years ago I told only my two brothers. My parents and two sisters found out I had moved months after I relocated. It took months for them to find out because they regularly gave me the silent treatment and ignored me. They left me demoralized and I accepted their crumbs for 15 years. Yet they hoover me now and pretend like nothing happened.
Tania.your empathy is the STRENGTH they will never have.Narcs.they still empty till thy kingdom come.be good to you get some EFT therapy to get out the trauma of ever knowing them.blessings sis
@@budogacha thank you!
It must really hurt when your siblings too gang up with an abusive parent. However, realizing that you don't have to settle for crumbs is a big step in our healing😇
You describe me and my life. Their Silent Treatment is something else... all entitlement from their one and only Scapegoat.
@@cherylm5002 Growing up me and my siblings had each other. I would have never imagined that they would become ardent supporters of our mom. My sisters don’t make a move without my mom’s approval. It’s controlling.
Thank you for your comment. I think I stayed so long hoping my sisters would realize how abusive our mom was. I discounted their abuse. I was chasing the relationship we once had.
This is an excellent video. The only thing is sometimes it takes decades for someone to move out from a narcissistic parent's home. I had an extremely complicated situation and appear to have a narcissistic sibling and mother. And a me too survivor from my father. I basically escaped with the clothes on my back. I was 44.
I am 78 years old, and I lived my life in Germany. I was the scapegoat, and my father influenced my socalled therapists and they willingly and stupidly continued the narcissistic abuse. This is heartbreaking. I cannot turn back my biografie. I wish I had therapists who knew . I mourn all these wasted decades looking for somebody to understand. In Germany it is nearly impossible, and I don´t search anymore since years. I am just thankfull for the internet were I find my own insights confirmed
So fühle ich mich auch mit 28 .. mein Körper ist dabei kaputt zugehen und ich finde keine Hilfe niemand versteht Narzissmus
@@N0N4M30 Bist du in Therapie? Wenn der Therapeut keine Ahnung hat, kann die Therapie eher schaden
Es geht nur um Geld. Deutschland juckt es nicht aus welcher Familie du kommst. Meine damalige Schule hat nun mir hausverbot reingedrückt und vertuscht das als den klar wurde, dass ich das schwarze schaf der familie bin. Man muss leider alleine durch. Mein linker kiefer springt nach innen und nun ist der da irgendwo Lose und habe nun ein tinnitus mit 22 jahren, leide unter einer chronischen Müdigkeit und hypersensibilität. -> wären die Krankheiten wenigstens weg, dann wäre ich froh und könnte wenigsten bisschen arbeiten. Meiner Hausärztin juckt auch nicht, dass ich das schwarze Schaf der familie bin. Ich habe eine Gruppe auf WhatsApp aufgemacht "scapegoat" und die hat den Namen der Gruppe lesen können aber mit Absicht nicht laut gelesen. Die Gesellschaft ist sowas von verdorben. Dann die Menschen noch von der bundesagentur für Arbeit. Mir geht es ja schon so schlecht wenn ich nichts mache. Die Schüler die Attentate auf einer Schule machen kann ich verstehen. Deutschland ist zu alles fähig. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass diese Schüler /Attentäter, dass schwarze schaf der familie gewesen sind. Und die Medien sind dazu in der Lage es zu vertuschen, dass er das schwarze schaf der familie war. Um zu überleben muss ich nun ein workaholic werden. Mit meinen ständigen Schmerzen. Linker kiefer Lose und tinnitus. Meine ruhe finde ich in der Natur. Ich war bei Sozialarbeiterin-> das sind die größten Schauspieler, einfach eklige Leute. Die wollen nicht helfen. Ich war da einmal und dann bin ich zum nächsten Termin nicht hingegangen. Ich kriege einen Anruf" wieso bist du nicht hier?" Ich in meinen Kopf tut nicht so ihr Schauspieler. Die haben dann noch gesagt" wenn was ist meldest du dich hier, wir machen uns echt Sorgen" einfach emotionale Manipulationen. Den juckt nichts, den geht es nur um das Krankenkassen Geld um es von meiner Karte abrechnen zu können.
Lass uns gegen die Gesellschaft angehen. 5 Millionen verlangen und dann in Ruhe gelassen werden. Als ob ich arbeiten gehe. Ich zahle für niemanden Steuern. Es ist schon eine Schande, dass es keiner wahrhaben will. Ich leide an diesem missbrauch und nun muss ich noch der Sklave werden und mich tot arbeiten 8h jeden tag mit meiner Müdigkeit. Und dann soll ich mich noch so fertig/kaputt arbeiten und ich soll noch Steuern bezahlen?? Am arsch die können mich am arsch lecken. Die sollen Schadensersatz geben. Die sollen es so machen, dass ich keine Steuern zahlen muss, weil ich an alle diesen Krankheiten leide, wie chronische Müdigkeit etc. Ich soll workaholic werden um zu überleben. Leben um zu überleben und dann noch Steuern zahlen-> am arsch. Den meisten Ärzten sind auch nur Manipulatoren und geht es auch nur um Geld. Die reden mit den Patienten 5 Minuten, sagen was es sein könnte, verschreiben irgendein Arzneimittel von dem die pharmaindustrie wieder profitiert von. Ansonsten stellt er noch krankenscheine aus und das wars. Die meisten Ärzte müssen nicht mal impfen. Dafür haben die ihre assistenten.
Nach meinem abi letztes Jahr habe ich realisiert dass ich 21 Jahre lang eine Rolle gespielt habe die ich nicht bin.
NEVER tell a controlling narcissistic abusive parent that you are leaving them. That is ALWAYS when they will do something EXTREME to trap you and keep you.
Best advice!
Keep everything inward until you can escape.
That doesn't work for those of us who grew up as an adult child and were groomed and enmeshed at an early age. I find myself spilling the beans and talking to them when I don't want to be cause of the fusion aka enmeshment. I've been trapped living at home and I just turned 40, it can happen and it's devastating. Due to coercive control, stalking. It's been dangerous from the beginning with cumulative abuse. now leaving can = killing retaliation from my father. going to leave anyway. Soon.
I scored 93 on the ASVAB when some kids in my cadet group couldn’t even score 50. The recruiter wanted me to sign an early induction contract with a guaranteed one of my top 3 MOS’s. Because I was 17 they needed my parents permission. I’d been involved in scouts since I was a kid and 2 different cadet groups for over 3 years at that point, I was obviously planning on a military career. When the recruiter tried to talk to my dad he flipped out on the guy. I was so embarrassed that I dropped out of the program. I already had worked my way up to group leader and even got a commendation from the DoD for leadership. After that I quit high school athletics my senior year as a starter, began experimenting with drugs and nihilistic sub cultures. I realize now that I was very depressed. I especially regret not signing up after I turned 18, that decision still haunts me because at that point it was all on me. If you’re reading this don’t ever let anyone talk you out of the direction your heart knows to pursue. Your dreams aren’t too big, it’s that some people are just too small.
My Mother didn't want me to join, but I'd already signed up and taken the oath. I was going and that was it.
@Eric when I was in elementary school, my principal had a meeting with my mother about me advancing to the next grade because I was just that smart. Did you know she told them no and my dad went right along with it. When I found out about it and asked my mother about it, she told me she didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. She later said “She made the best decision she could as a mother” like WTF?? And my dad is also a narcissist who I didn’t live with. But always “blamed” my mother for the way “I’ve turned out”… 🤦🏾♀️ All the while having my other siblings he had with another woman, feeling like I’m the “favorite” of all his kids…. These narcissist are horrible people. I pray we all have healing and live prosperous lives 💕
@@Vetted_epiphany This is typical, my mother went to parents evenings and lied about what the teachers said about me. Always tried to present it as negative.
@David that is terrible smh.
@@Vetted_epiphany I had a very similar episode in 3rd grade akin to Little Man Tate. They thought that I had a learning disability because my grades were terrible. I was tested, turned I had a high IQ and reading at an 11th grade level. I was bored. They recommended I be moved up at least one grade, maybe 2. My dad refused saying that was “just lazy”.
I failed to grow up and escape my narcissistic parents because they ensnared me and I fell into their trap. It started when I turned 18, started college, and when the recession was starting. My depression hit me hard in my college years so I did not have any energy or desire to study, failing and not learning much. I graduated and then got hospitalized. My narcissistic parents' narcissistic abuse confirmed what they always wanted me to believe that I was "sick" and "insane". My parents were then mentally torturing me daily that they are going to kick me out and that I need to find a job, I couldn't and when I was at home, trying to recover and study, my mother would continue to take my focus away and used to make constant noise and then other narcissist demons, my neighbors, fed off of my failure and abuse, that they would also leave speakers of grinding, hammering, and drilling noise as to humiliate me that I was unemployed. I am 34 years old and I am still just recovering from the abuse and the consequences that it had on my career and finances.
Phew, needed this. I’m 34 and, while not living with my narc mother, she owns the house my partner and I are living in, and it still feels like I’m living under her thumb, even though I’ve used the pandemic to not physically be near her for months at a time. (Distance made me realize she’s a vulnerable narc)
Partner and I are both working 2 jobs to get out as soon as possible.🤞Thanks so much for all of your content, it’s helped me through all of this.
Total financial independence is the first step towards totally breaking free of the narcissists control...keep going, you will get there
Use everything you can. Especially rules. 6ft away from me, vampire!! 😜
Hey, I’m 34 too and I totally feel you. Praying you finally escape for good :)
Look into long term airbnb. It's a good option to move out asap but if you're not ready to sign a lease it's okay
This is happening right now with my 18 year nephew by marriage. We told him we see everything and he always has a place. We haven't been in his life for many years because we both went no contact with our severely toxic families. It's a miracle he turned out so well. He said it was nice to talk to people with whom he doesn't have to tip toe around their feelings. He has a plan and a couple friends to take him in when he is ready My husband woke up just a couple years ago and we've been together 22. it's no wonder we were attracted to each other and I'm so grateful he's not a Cluster B himself. In these familial hornet's nests, there's only a few that aren't disordered. Some of us are starting to get what this is from channels like yours, Jay, hallelujah!
I need to move out. What got me here too long was i got chronically ill. So financially i cant afford a house yet, but i need to go. They are making me more sick here.
Thank you for this video! Now I know I’m not alone! I am now a 55 years old woman who lived in fear of both my parents my entire life. It was never physical abuse, it was the narcissistic mental & emotional abuse. I attempted to move out when I was 21 years old. I was working as a full time medical assistant & wanted to go to our local junior college to become a registered nurse. Well, my parents forbid me. It’s too long to go into. Long story short, I tried to make them happy my whole life & do what they wanted me to do, which was stay home till I got married yet they scared off every guy I dated. Both parents have now passed away the last couple years. I feel like a failure for not being braver to have moved out & gone to nursing school. But the fear that consumed me because of their rage when I attempted independence was very scary & demeaning. Yes, it’s like battered wife syndrome or Stockholm Syndrome.
I always thought it was my fault I had such an unhappy college experience. Thanks. Now I can start to unpack that it probably wasn’t that I just couldn’t make friends or whatever else. Boy was that a tough time. It still hurts that I feel so robbed of that time. Sigh
don't worry of what you missed, this learning time was necessary, to don't fall back again. even when, stand up and try again. it's a twisted matrix, which will make you a very successful and strong persons, once you overcome it.
Reading these comments with tears in my eyes. I want to hug all of you. I also am at my wit's end. Today was bad. Mom is a sociopath, she was wicked today. I'm spent and can no longer ignore it all (greyrock). Trying to leave, saving, taking any work I can, leaving the house whenever I can which is very hard sometimes. None of them know what I'm planning. I had realized that I have been crippled to depend on them and the household. Trying to learn to be independent now and to not be afraid of it. I am most afraid of failing out there and having nowhere to go and having to come back to the dragon's lair.
I feel you so heavy I’m planning on leaving after buying a car
Your hug offering is much appreciated 😔 How are you doing right now 2 months later? I'm planning to leave tomorrow. I'm scared because I don't have friends and not even a relationship, so I'm pretty much on my own. My family claim to be christians and yet they still want to hurt my self esteem further😔
@@bean-charlieartz3138 Good luck , you got this!
@@katharsis3754 Hey that is very brave of you. I pray for you that everything goes well and you are safe. Leaving the toxic space will allow you to be yourself and find allies. I know how it is to be all alone and I can definitely relate to family members talking about christian values but actually behaving the opposite way... Right now I am much better since I stay out of the house most of the time thanks to more work I took on. I'm saving every penny, keep it all secret and looking at apartment listings daily. I want to take my dog with me, that makes it harder but I cannot leave her with them. I'm not so close to moving out yet but definitely growing steadily toward it. Good luck to you, a new life is waiting for you and you deserve it!
Thank you so much for your prayer, my friend. I do feel I will need it. It really is good to hear that people believe me as they too know people who disguise themselves as christians and barely put the lifestyle into practice 🤦...Then again it makes me happy for you that things are looking good lately. Yes, indeed keep what you're doing as secret. Do your best little by little to be able to take your dog with you. You'll need your pet's company. hopefully you'll eventually find someone you will take care of it (if necessary) while you're out for the day. Indeed there are apartments that allow pets :) I hope you find a good place!! My godparents actually own apartments but I'm embarrassed to ask them for one 🤦 But in case, i don't find a place , I'll go to them. Then again, as for you keep going with what you're doing and keep your head up. Happy to hear you're close to moving out 😊 i really thank you, my friend and good luck to you as well! 😊🙏 Be free and happy.
Hopefully this information will get out to the masses so more people understand. Our society has much to learn about this type of abuse. Most don’t believe it or understand that this evil takes place in many homes. The “old queen bee” narc mother/stepmother along with a weak & spineless enabling (and often abusive himself... sometimes a lesser narc) husband do much damage to a scapegoat child
@Fifi La Fleur YES they do!!! I was told, "What happens within these walls, STAYS within these walls OR ELSE!!!" Kids have NO idea how badly they're being abused. It's normal to them. Also, I read what you wrote 5 months ago and about your cancer. I was SO excited to see a more recent comment!!!! You're still on here speaking your truth makes me so happy!!!! Survivor WARRIOR!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I moved 400 miles from home for college when I was 18, and then 900+ miles 4 years later. I remember my NF telling me I wasn’t going and I couldn’t move out. I stood up to him (first time ever) and told him I was technically an adult and he had no say in the matter. That one decision changed the trajectory of my life and made all the difference.
Very good. I wish I had the courage a lot earlier.
This video explains my life in FULL DETAIL. My mother has done any and everything to keep me right there as her punching bag.
Perfect timing I can relate to this so heavy I was a scapegoat to a narc family and decided to take a lil break from them at my cousins house then came back to a malignant narcissists triangulation trap with other family members so I decided to leave the house fully and even tho I was homeless at the age of 19 for a while everything and all my spiritual gifts and blessings are coming back 10x stronger and I have very positive influence over everyone I meet.
I'm very glad for you. Yes, even homelessness is better than a place where they belittle you.
Wow beautiful and so happy for you
My dad just thew a hot coffee at my face for telling him I’m busy, and my mom said I shouldn’t be so selfish.
Wtf I'm so sorry
I'm sorry this happened you 😔. This is me I say I'm busy then blow out of proportion either screaming or twisting words.
This is so horrible 😢. The hot cofee was uncalled for.
That's exactly what my mum would say.
Man thats terrible dude. Honestly I have a similar experience when ever i try to take care of my own domain my family will try the hardest to degrade you beyond anything in anything I mean everything. I recent took supplements for melatonin because i cant sleep for what i deal with., and my (closest) he flipped the fuck out saying its not necessary thats not like you thats not normal blah blah blah! and try anything to degrade you and make you miserable as hell. Also with that busy statement yes Ive had a response that wasn’t so humanitarian, lmfao Its nothing but the blame game scape goat games and all sorts of geeked up bullshit. How ever there are moments that swings alright to bad to alright again. its sickening and venal. I’ve came across this video for a reason wish me lots of luck. Its going to be interesting.
Uh your dad shouldn't have done that to you; that was rude of him.
Yes, happened to me. Today I am moving out and hopefully for good.
How's everything going on??
I too get screamed at AND flipped off by narc mom when I go to work everyday. I work 3 jobs. I do ALL the housework, laundry, etc.
Your mother needs to stop acting like a child and start supporting you in every step of the way
@CharlotteMacrickens she did. Sadly she passed away in my arms UNEXPECTEDLY a few months ago. The trauma bond is real.
@PS27760 Oh. Glad your mom changed and sorry for your loss.
I moved out but I didn’t have any friends or family for support. It’s been very difficult being alone but it’s never as bad as being back at home with my narc mother. Support is super important.
Im currently trying to escape a narc mother. My mother has pulled my hair out of my head, thrown dry wall at my head while i was brushing my teeth, screamed at me until i was reduced to tears, threatened to make me homeless, controls my money, and calls me a failure and lost cause. The fact that i lost my job due to depression makes me deeply depressed, as this glues me closer to my narc mother. Anyways, on the positive note, i have two job interviews tomorrow. Wish me luck. I hope i can move out and find peace. Also, my father died due to liver problems related to drinking (he died in 2020) and ever since then, i have been absolutely miserable
Apologies for your dad. I hope things are getting better for you.
Exactly this, the controling ways also ur finaces,physicall abuse,constantly demanding stuff, overly agressive, messing up the kids future and jobs,the playing with their reallity.
I experienced this many many times with my narc mother. I also recently experienced this with my narc former employer. In fact, coming to understanding about my narc boss helped me to gain understanding about the emotional trauma I suffered from my narcissistic mother. But that is another story! Yes, it is very difficult and the leaving is the most intense time. Their need to denigrate and devalue the scapegoat is so great it is nearly terrifying because when you sit back and think about it, you wonder, "if I were to have relented, what would have been waiting for me?" You know it is MORE OF THE SAME. My sister failed completely at leaving and is miserable and has twisted herself beyond any recognition.
This made me feel so seen and heard. I'm 26 and have been trying to move out for years, but they always tore me down and talked me out of every single plan I came up with, but not this time. My boyfriend is possibly about to get the job he's wanted for years now and we'll be moving across the country in a month or two. My parents have done everything they possibly can to talk me out of it and make my life hell for trying to leave them, but I will not let them steal my freedom again. My boyfriend will be earning 5x our rent and that still isn't good enough in their eyes for us to leave, so nothing ever will be. Move out day is gonna be hell but I know my freedom will be worth every second of it!
@poogissploogis I wish you and your boyfriend the best of success! 🌟
I always wondered why I snuck out when I left home when at 19! Really appreciate your insightful videos.
Thank god I was able to get out early. My codepended enabler mother rented me an own apartment, when I was 16. I moved there alone and she (secretly) gave me money every month to survive. Rather than stand up against my father she sent me out so the drama at home would stop. I was so thankful to her at the time, but now years later I understand how messed up that was also.
Here's to Brighter Tommorrows.
With as Much Dignity Compassion and Respect To Yourself as You are to Others In Your Life that You Love and Respect.
Suffering Less, Increases Your Potential for Peace & Prosperity.
Thank God it's been almost a year now since I move out. Finally peace of mind.
I would love a video on practical ways to stay safe during this time. I’m so thankful for resources such as this one to help me rely on my internal wisdom. But practically I’ve feared for my life, sanity. Financial insecurity is also a challenge when breaking free of financial abuse/control. Thanks again
I just realized that my mom is a worker for my narc dad. She constantly tries to manipulate me into coming back "home". She is also a narc to some degree.
I typically don't comment on videos, but the example provided at the start of this video was almost spot on to what I had just gone through. I recently left my narc home, ill prepared, with nothing packed but my electronic devices I already had on me. I'm very fortunate to be staying in a very safe home with my friend's family, who are giving me means to eat, sleep, groom and clothing, and say that they will allow me to stay with them as long as I need to while they'll also help me get my legal docs and other info that's been withheld by my narcs who keep saying I'm not ready and jazz infantilizating me.
I've gotten so much support from friends and the family I'm staying with, but the past couple of days have been miserable. Non-stop crying, so much guilt from leaving the only place I've ever known, that I was so dependent on. I even texted my parents trying to establish boundaries and mentioned that I'd consider returning if they changed, and they refuse to hear me out and are sending awful messages instead.
I'm hoping to swap out my sim card today or tomorrow and then that's the end. They can't hurt me. I'm an adult. I'm 19. Sorry for the whole story but this video gave me hope
Don’t be sorry for sharing your story. I’m proud of you. I hope with therapy and having the freedom to learn yourself and love yourself, the guilt will be replaced with pride in yourself too. ❤
You posted this at the exact time I needed it. Thank you!!! At the end of next month, I will finally be free!
When I left, for good, I was finally able to start healing and breathing.
You have no choice but to flee. You will be better for it.
Part 11:00 the greatest risk of being killed is the acts of leaving the abuser
Wow Jay! Thank you once again!! For some reason it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact my parents didn’t have my best interest at heart. You explain things in a way that makes sense and kind of like you had a bird’s eye view of my childhood.
In other videos, Jay has said kids need to feel secure in their families to be able to function and be healthy. Even when we knew what our parents were doing was wrong, we held on to the belief that they were doing what they thought was right.
As we learn more about healthy relationships and process the reality of what our childhood was, it's okay to feel confused. It can actually be a positive sign that your younger self and current self are merging. For me, it feels like I'm changing my memories. For example, I was called needy and I thought that I was, but I realized I was normal and they weren't emotionally available.
Just wanted to share because it has really helped me to practice being "okay" with being confused.
I’m glad there are people who understand it’s so complex I’m still trying to recover. Went through this and turning 40 soon finally moving out of state and really considering not telling my family till the last minute because we are very minimal contact. Need the real healing to take place with distance. Giving it God.
I really afraid inside my house I can’t find a job that last and I don’t have friends to go what to do I can’t live like this anymore
Just got kicked out and man, a lot of my issues that I couldn't quite fix we're no longer issues once I was on my own. Its hard to describe but that voice dies down A BUNCH when you are actually on your own. It felt, to me, like I couldn't overcome my issues because the REAL issue was being around my parents. Maybe then you could find a job and feel better about yourself. Hope things work out and you are not alone!
I’m moving out of my toxic adoptive mothers house on September 1st it will be my first time on my own
I’ve never been more terrified and excited for my future
To find myself on my own terms I am 33
Leave and never look back, they’ll only get worse with aging.
How the hell can someone adopt a child just to abuse them? I’m so sorry
You just explained my whole life, my great aunt and uncle adopted me and unfortunately this was the product of it all… some was very positive but most of it wasn’t… still trying to get out so I’m studying and reprogramming my mind and creating a secret move out plan as a single parent at 33 with a 12 year old…. It’s truly something difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t had this type of upbringing, the mental chains are heavier than you can express…. I have to keep my progress to myself or they will tighten their grip on anything they can to keep us to stay… then gaslight you when you ever mention any of the ways you have been treated… God bless you all, we can do this. 💛
Im going to change our names too… ready for a new beginning…
Every second day I contemplate to leave my house but I really don’t how I am gonna do it and the consequences of how I just run away will haunt me but it’s same time living with toxic family members makes me emotionally labile and depressed.i wish people we love can see what damage they do their loved one’s.
Also be ready to lose their " little gifts" such as comfort zone (food , roof , presents) and work for it alone . it may be harder but you will feel much alive with more satisfaction with life .
Wish I had friends, man. Would've been easier to have them as roommates. But can you believe I don't damn know anyone? Smh. I finally left my family today but I have to travel back many hours to where I'm from. Gonna look for an apartment.
Let me give you an advice as one who was exactly where you at. at first, when you start your independent person its pretty wierd feeling and you still need to process the change. but you will
start notice that you changing for good and becoming a new better version of yourself and you will attract the right people to your life if's its people that may work with you on business together or friends - as long you out of toxic environment and you keep on developing
Your life we change for ever - and those you
got you down will have to adjust to new you one .
GOOD LUCK
That's how I am treated. I constantly get yelled at or peptalked, about little things in the kitchen not being done, my grandma even wanted to be funny and put up a list of little things she wanted me to do. I should have torn it to pieces.
She claims because I am the oldest, she expects more from me. She doesn't have the patience for emotional support. And she constantly criticizes everyone in the house when things aren't a certain way. And she walks around investigating and finding even the smallest things to get upset about, I feel as if she is doing it on purpose. I definitely cannot wait until I get the power to leave with everything I have. I would walk out and never ever ever ever, look back. For the longest, I have been the target for everything that goes wrong in the house. Or anywhere around them. But the worse part is she changes the way she acts when she is around the police or people she knows will ruin her life. I have been the most broken throughout my whole life. I am a toy that everyone throws at everyone they hate. The day I did an experiment just to see how far i would get is the day I knew it shouldn't have happened. I opened up my soft side and she and the whole family took advantage of me. But it wasn't just her, alot of kids made my life a living hell at school, i was angry and sometimes I would be a little too paranoid because I didn't know when another series of torment was going to begin. And so that's what started my starring problem. I grew into a deep depression and still to this day I feel isolated from everyone.
There is more responsibility on us as the eldest. My siblings are allowed to do whatever they want and live their lives but all the pressure and responsibility which should belong to my parents is put on me. I know that feeling it feels like you're stuck. It's hard to get unstuck but, I think that's what we have to do.
Perfect explanation to the problem I am facing. Except I moved into my mother's house with my two kids after my divorce. When I was about to leave there with my kids she went to cps told them lies and took my kids. Made me out to look crazy and used my sister's as her flying monkeys. My self doubt plagues me. How do I find a mental health professional who will understand my problem. My biggest fear is that they won't believe me or understand because I don't know how to describe my problem without looking crazy.
Cps are narcs too.to bureau of gender affairs or a damn good lawyer who knows abt this evil.you in my prayers.sorry abt this happen.
Never see her again. EVER
@@stealthwarrior5768 Thank you Warrior.My spirit embrace that.namaste
9:20 explained my current life. I was wondering why my mum is acting increasing verbally abusive and controlling and this part of the video explains it all. In the UK, students tend to leave for university to be independent after the age of 18 and I will be one of those students pretty soon. It now seems like every school break is an opportunity for these negative events to occur. At first, I thought it was my mum's anger issues but it is actually her narcissism that's the problem as a whole, including her attention seeking behaviour. To be honest, my relationship with my mum is mostly negative and I have been wondering why I have felt miserable my whole life. Her excuse is that she wants the best for me but I felt that something was wrong. If I try to stand up for myself and try to set boundaries, she will see this as an insult and that I am told how much I am fed and given everyday (from being born) and that I am disrespecting her. I feel so bad and now I think I have mental health issues. I hope that other people in the same situation as me are doing well.
This was 100 what I went through… it got violent too, as it often did at any expression of freedom or even happiness…. It’s crazy that this is the first time I’ve even heard this discussed… So glad for this channel 💜 … Some people need to move and never give a forward address… that’s what I’d do if I was able to go back… because it didn’t stop there… the severe interfering… showing up to my place, having the landlord let him in and not leaving for long periods of time… calling work, all kinds of wacky horrible stuff. I really wish human dynamics and love/loving communication was taught in school from very young. It could change the 🌎
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼💖💖💖 it is a whack strategy…deep belly breathing and taking one’s consciousness down to the level of the emotion, and remembering you are more than one emotion seems to work much better (shoutout to Thich Nhat Hanh and to the course group for the reminder on that)
Thank you for this gentle reminder.
This makes sense now. The week or 2 before I moved out I got my last “whipping” with a switch I had to pick and when it broke tennis racket from my tennis class I was taking at community college. All this got supposedly for getting the wrong pork chops from the freezer. I couldn’t cry anymore but I wasn’t prepared for life or college. I think when I got to college I was mostly just trying to heal. Nobody was talking about this as much then. I still doubted what I experienced was abuse, I couldn’t understand why my heart was always feeling like it was about to come out of my chest or why I would throw up for no reason. I only ran into more narcs back to back, she would Hoover me when I didn’t return phone calls show up unannounced and started a smear campaign to my resident advisor that I was on drugs. I didn’t understand why I used to feel like I was having a heart attack or throwing up for no reason . Or why I was so depressed, reading everybody’s comments and being able to express myself is helping me so much, for those of us that endured this we are blessed to have survived
Wow Jay! I divorced the narcissist 4 years ago...I have a 22 yr old, 18 yr old and 11 yr old...the first kiddo has left and the 18 yr old is a senior...so right in the middle of this process! Very helpful info to be able to help my kids!!
He is demanding that the 18 yr old senior have 2 graduation parties! Because "his people" wont be around "your moms people ". She is struggling with what to do with that. I keep telling her graduation is about her and what she wants, and her dad cant control that! Its NOT up to him! Thanks for the backup!
My older brothers were able to escape so I was stuck with our widowed mother. I never did escape until she died in 2012. Both of my brothers dumped me. It’s probably the one thing that saved me.
The opening story is almost my exact story. My mother decided to move out and separate from my Dad the same weekend I graduated from high school. She left my Dad with 4 months of unpaid mortgage payments, money gone. Beforehand my Dad promised I could go to the university I got into. Now there was no money. Instead I got a few part time jobs and signed up for community college, for the next 5 years took me that long to complete 2 years of work in order to transfer to the university. I decided to plan it all on my own, finding grants and loans to make up difference. I will never forget going to my mother to tell her I was transferring to university and she screamed at me I couldn't go (I was 23 years old) and that I was selfish, why did I get to leave and she didn't. I went anyways. Many years later, I asked her why she reacted the way she did, and she said it was because she didn't want me to feel let down when I realized I wouldn't be able to go. I understood it as she didn't know how to help me financially so she felt it was impossible. However, I remember the words and her explanation isn't what I experienced from her.
Later life changes, also precipitated my mother's confusing behavior including my marriage, having my children, and moving out of state.
Everytime I left I was belittled, manipulated and gossipped about until I returned over and over again. My mother used my child against me. It's been a nightmare. She poisoned his mind with abandonment by telling him I didn't love them by moving out. Now he can be disrespectful to me when he feels threatened. It's too much.
Im not a child anymore. These videos helped me to understand and change the why this why that. The process of healing is beautiful and this understanding was the next step on my journey.
I’m doing it now, leaving as I type to get keys for my new room and there’s already a light in the tunnel.
It took 4 years to come to this conclusion because I was so unsure. I’m not even there yet and feel so happy. Leave guys.
I have a full time job but work at McDonald’s if you have to
Hi Jay - Can you talk about learned helplessness? I struggle with waiting for someone to give me permission or direction as I was often told as a child that I was stupid and that my ideas and opinions were wrong. I often wish something could be a certain way & later realize it’s entirely within my control yet it feels foreign to take immediate action when a desire is present. Some examples - waiting to be told how to proceed, wishing I could change the layout/decor of my home office, etc.
This is due to having been infantilized. You were probably at some point made to feel like your choices were inadequate. You should seek therapy. It's truly empowering.
I should have left years ago. I've been ignoring my narcissistic mother and I was berated with verbal abuse , harassed, and violated. It seems the more I ignore her the angrier she gets. I've basically been taking solace in parking lots. I only go back to take care of the dog who is ailing. I may sleep in the car tonight. I really need to move out but I don't know what to do or I'm afraid to do it.
Thank you , great message ! 💫👍💯
This is true, like narcs want to control and be fun police. Other relationships strengthen us or atleast we're treated better. Narc want's to plant a seed in their OWN CHILDREN, who have nothing to do with THEIR PATHOLOGY, that we deserve the abuse and poor treatment. I lived 2 years alone with my NARC PARENT. He would monitor my friendships also. Who is calling etc. He projected that my needs where a burden. Poor guy, has to be that abusive , because his internal world is such a mess, and he's so devoid of his connection to who he really is, abandoned it. Needs to find somewhere else to scapegoat or project their rage at. Those 2 years where difficult. He was a control freak. I left that home graduated school early, and came back to my country where i felt free but to cope with the abuse sequels i drank a lot. Got sober and now im 3 years into unpacking the family trauma bullshit. I started by having a safe enough person who encouraged selfcompassionate talk to me , in a 12 step group that talks about the inner child, reparenting, and boundaries, for survivors of homes with alcoholic/ or dysfunction parents. I started talking nicer to myself and rejecting a lot of messages from my home or even from AA that where harsh on me to be honest inaccurate and untrue. Soon i also started noticing when others where sarcastic against me that uncomfortable, it took me a while of having support to start setting healthy boundaries , keeping them, and walking away if they're not respected (ofcourse there are a lot of different boundaries) and they also protect my dignity , value as a human. ,and needs. Ive developed a voice and like telling my story and speaking up for myself and staying true to myself, and there are narcisits out there who get triggered and try to get me to shut up, even if its in a safe place where replying in invalidating fashion to some one is actually forbided. I'm happy i have 3 years doing this even having done EMDR and some somatic experience. Im connected to my selfcompassion and self protection, and my true self and inner child, and like expressing who i am, and finding safe people and places to connect with and share my authentic self. Im a highly sensitve person , empath, and have thank God, and my attunement and work to stay true to myself and selfcompassionate , loving and protecting of myself and inner children retired the scapegoat role, but I still am somewhat of a truth teller like many "identified patients" are , all the family blame was tried to put on us, now i have good boundaries and communication skill, and have found safe enough places, to continue to externalize all the unfair family secrets and lies , to keep healing in safe enough places. Wishing everybody hope and strength in their journey, were not alone , this channel is helpful and their are oways of healing staying true to ourselves loving ourselves and protecting ourselves , and finding people where our authentic self is welcome . The world is awakening to what narc abuse / trauma is and we have more resources out there for healing. Sending blessings to all. Keep telling the truth about the fallacy of narcisistic abuse/ and keep healing , staying true to you and thriving. We matter we deserve selfcompassion, gentleness , selfcare , boundaries. andour needs matter. value ourselves God loves us!
I'm gonna leave this horrible household in a few months (6), I'll be turning 18 but my biggest concerns are money and job, I have no experience, no network or friends or family to contact and my highest education is a 5th semester of university... I don't know if I'll survive, I don't know if I'll get hired or if I'll get enough money for anything, but one thing for sure is that living in here is detrimental, painful, horrible and dangerous, I'm enslaved and rotting in here...
I turned 18 yesterday jan 13th I cannot believe someone is in the same situation as me my mom is the biggest narcissist alive she tell me and all my sibling that we will never move out bc were "immature" her favorite word you'll all be rapist,murderers robbers lyers committ ing sex crimes watching xxx movie's be trans gay liberal Democrat... Etc everyone my age makes fun of me for not having a job driver license car etc no one ever understand almost as annoying as my mom they are all so gross about it on there's the stupid guy... The only reason I'm on it ended is bc they don't know about it they buys us cheap amazon baby tablets that are ten years old and act there so cool I buy my own normal stuff and keep it a secret I would accept a non paid job for life to escape
I turned 18 yesterday jan 13th I cannot believe someone is in the same situation as me my mom is the biggest narcissist alive she tell me and all my sibling that we will never move out bc were "immature" her favorite word you'll all be rapist,murderers robbers lyers committ ing sex crimes watching xxx movie's be trans gay liberal Democrat... Etc everyone my age makes fun of me for not having a job driver license car etc no one ever understand almost as annoying as my mom they are all so gross about it on there's the stupid guy... The only reason I'm on it ended is bc they don't know about it they buys us cheap amazon baby tablets that are ten years old and act there so cool I buy my own normal stuff and keep it a secret I would accept a non paid job for life to escape
Sorry for the typos this keyboard is %#%¥;$
No friends
On, I forgot cuz I'm used to it we go days without eating "cuz we don't do our stuff"
My mother never liked me but tried to stop me leaving home. It was okay to go overseas on a working holiday but not to really leave.
My niece did a midnight flit to get away from my narcissistic sister. She was fortunate to have a car to travel to uni and her boyfriend's parents welcomed her to live with them. She achieved this by blaming her scapegoat brother for her having to leave.
My father contacted the principal of the college and told him to kick me out coz I never be anything(call me names) and mother and sister tried to literally tried kill /guilt me to destroy job prospects .sis and her teen daughter would sleep with boss or coworkers of mine and shame me for the dysfuctional family system of origin she also demand vast amt.of money fm my salary mthly nt to talk abt my family to ppl and sleep with them where possible. when Im just trying to live above the pain blame and shame to believe in my God given potential to excel inspite of them.various times during my career. my sis fav saying to me was " your pretending to be sombody".Dear beautiful ones:.all scapegosts were to remain unseen and unheard even when you become a butterfly,Jay that why they sabotage our ascension. ..but it was nt your shame or pain .survive the hell and live to tell the tale.claim you truth and dnt lose hope.love your work Jay🎈
Edit:all of issues outlined above was to get me to take care of the abusive narcs doing domestic chores (I saw a pattern: when they put me out of employment as a teacher. I was then" invited" to their house and was given pots and pans to scour while I had no life and they had full control.. while being caregiver 4 their offsprings.
.)they need YOU to fail to feel alive and thats evil.
Yikes.there are others who suffered this evil fm family?!!for all of us here on this journey ,may your purity of heart enable your healing in the most amazing ways.namaste
I just turned 41 years old and am on the autism spectrum and continue to live with and mutually support my elderly narcissistic parents.