We allowed my mom to live with us for 12 years prior to her departure from this earth. She brought our household countless blessings but also numerous issues that we are still dealing with. She tried to control me and our house but I always let her know that she is welcome to move out anytime she feels the need to. And when my sisters would put their noses in our business, I would always extend the offer for my mom to move in with them. I am thankful that my mom was able to move in with us but the cost to my family was high. Never let your family bully you no matter what.
Bingo. I know a person who's a master at making others feel guilty when it comes to pitching in money or going on family outings or visiting cousins or things that people can't do or decline to. BTW, she's always had all the free time in the world and hasn't "wanted" for anything financially in thirty plus years. She's a sweet enough person, but she's a master at guilt manufacturing. It's my sister and I LOVE her to death but she's always been like that. One thing I HATE that she has done is she and my BIL, who's a GREAT guy - one of the best in the world EVER, have done a LOT for my now deceased Mom, in her house and also helping her monthly with money - even though she didn't ask or need it since she had no debt and social security was what she lived on but she was happy - and she knew if she ever did need something we were there for her. I sent her a few dollars a month, but not much and not nearly as much as they did, but the kicker was all she was doing was putting most of it in the bank so we got it back anyhow. LOL. The rest of us siblings also did, but when it came to remodeling my Mom's VERY dated kitchen many years ago, I offered to pitch in with the cost, as did my other brother and they declined and INSISTED on paying for it themselves, a very nice gesture. Also, for my Mom's 90th Birthday and her funeral brunch two years later, she and my BIL picked up, despite our objections, the whole bill from a nice restaurant and bar place with a banquet room. The problem? She always brings up the part about her and her husband paying the whole bill. I KNEW she was going to do that and sure enough, she very slyly and dryly always slips in the part about them paying for the whole thing(s). It is just something she does and it's obviously something that she feels the need to do - as in always toss in a parting slight or something, and frankly I never understood why. It's quite annoying, but at the same time, she'd do anything for any of us and she's sweet as can be. Just that little part of her personality is there.
Well this is the part where you move in silence. Do not share your salaries with family etc. The less they know the less they are able to use something against you.
We use to have the rules at work and friends/family no one knows what are your income, at work if someone asked you anything about your salary you had the right to report it to HR ,30 years ago don’t the track everyone is boasting about their pay and then they are surprised that there is jealousy .
I never share money information with my siblings, nor do they with me. For no reason other than neither party is even slightly interested in knowing and besides, we all know that we're quite financially comfortable so none of us would ever ask for anything - and frankly, even if we weren't, we'd never ask. Adults usually don't do that. Kids and immature people do. If mom or dad aren't caring enough during their formative and earning years to give a CRAP about their OWN money or retirement, why is it suddenly someone else's problem now? Not to sound harsh, but that old line comes to mind when I hear stories like this - and it ONLY applies to stories like this, not horrible or emergency situations ...... "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". No truer words ...... Obviously, be there for her if there are NO other options, but as she stated, they decided to go with a reverse mortgage - which is a HORRIBLE idea. OBVIOUSLY the woman and her husband weren't real "go getters" (him always "going for disability" and "couldn't ever hold a job" and her "working under the table") but all of a sudden the kids have to deal with it? Um, yea. No.
@@louisebb4183discussing salaries in protected by federal law now. I had a small business threaten one of my kids with a civil suit for discussing salaries with other staff. I sent them a nice letter citing the law they were breaking and suggesting that they would not be coming out well in that law suit. She left working there. Very toxic
She’s 80 years old. Just when do you think it is time/ok to need help/be taken care of? I’m not saying that they need to do what the mother wants and allow her to stay in her own home, but also saying a good parent tries not to burden their kid doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen at some point in time in their life. If they don’t have a significant other anymore then it is the children’s responsibility, if the parent took care of/raised them.
I disagree children do not have an obligation to take care of their parents just because the parents raised them. Kids don’t ask to be born and if your lucky enough to have a child take care of you that’s great. But usually if your child won’t take care of you it’s because most times the parent is a pain in the ass. Coming from a 65 year old man.
@@matthews2122 When? When I have done everything I can - including selling my house and moving to a 1 BR senior apt. - and my health has deteriorated in spite of myself and when I know that NOT letting them help will make them feel worse than letting them help me. That's when.
@@sblijheid they’ll borrow from you, then when you ask for it back they say you have a job just work for it. From that day on I never looked at my mom the same, her sweetness is a manipulation tool to get things out of someone and deflect when it’s brought up. I’ll never let her borrow from me again. I still love her though
Mom acts sweet and gentle AND is allowing the daughters to be the bulldogs and do the dirty work. I see this as a healthcare worker. Caller needs to say no and LET them be mad.
I actually got told basically that by an ex-relative. She's in her 60s, I'm in the 80s but she is on aid and only allowed to work/earn/etc so much. I'm glad I can help but being told she doesn't know 'what' when I die - yikes. Glad I have a sense of humor.
Wow!! Yes, absolutely. And then your made to feel guilty about it. Like I worked hard to get where I'm at while you racked up debt and went on vacations.
I am so fortunate when it comes to this. My Mom was a single mother after I was 8. She didn't get much for support and never was with another man after that. She worked for a good company. Retired at 55 with a pension and took a lump sum. She reinvested her pension and worked part time. She purchased her own home and paid it off. She lived in her own home with SS and RMD's from her investments. She never needed financial help from anyone. So proud of her.
@@swlancaster1964 Listen to the beginning of the call again. She is more than willing to take care of her mom. What she is not wanting to do is throw money away at a house that is falling apart and has a reverse mortgage.
@@swlancaster1964 It has nothing to do with pride. It has everything to do with learning lessons in life and being better for it. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and never learn you do not have the right to potentially destroy another person in the process.
3:90 was a good one, I don't often here genuinely good advice from this channel but that was a good one. "If you pay this money, you will become angry, not because of the money, but because your boundary was broken and you will resent (them) for your weakness, don't let that happen." No one has ever explained resentment to me that way and it has helped put some things into perspective for me, I think. I allowed far too many of my boundaries to be shattered over the knee which is why I feel so resentful of many things, something for me to work on. Good luck to that woman and her husband.
A parent that really understands their role as a parent would cry tears of joy when their child prioritizes taking care of their spouse and children over their parent.
@@swlancaster1964 Where is her mom going to be homeless? Not everyone is entitled to own a home. That doesn't mean homeless. Homeless means not having a roof over your head. Let's not change the definition of homeless. It's disingenuous. I have seen two of your comments and I think you are greatly missing what people are saying. No one is saying to throw her mom on the streets and say good luck!
Sorry mom, time to suffer some inconvenient consequences for your long road of bad choices, instead of trying to lay it at the feet of your kids and grandkids.
Exactly. And maybe this is something Dave and the others should bring up in their calls (as appropriate): When you are a child, you live where and as you're told, because you don't have the money or skills to live on your own. THE SAME THING CAN HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE OLD, IF YOU A) REFUSE TO ADULT (WORK IF YOU CAN, LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, ETC.) AND WAIT FOR YOUR KIDS TO BAIL YOU OUT; OR 2) GIVE UP HAVING MONEY AND CHOICES IN OLD AGE SO YOU CAN LIVE BIG TODAY! So many callers like this one either say, or their parent(s) says: "Don't want to move; want to stay in the old home." Well, if you don't make sure you can, you may not get a choice, because you may lose the home, or your kids can't afford to help out, or no one can or will move to make it happen for you. And you wind up living in a camper in their backyard. Money means options....make sure you have some!
Wow, I am shocked by the comments of the hosts AND this audience. I see people who are willing to blame the mom and refuse to help. Sorry, mom, we're paying off our debt snowball, and my siblings have been irresponsible too. We'd love to help, but getting out of debt so later we can be millionaires and can live...and give...like No-one else is our goal. Can ANYONE here see the ONE person you should sacrifice to give to is your MOM? How should she be helped in this case? There are options out there. Saying no is not one of them. I would take her in...one of the kids should try. Sell the house and hope there are proceeds. Find her an apartment based on her income. What happens if she gets bad health? The advice given sounds like tough love. It sounds like sibling rivalry. Nobody wants to be burdened by an irresponsible 80 year old woman. Except that 80 year old woman is your MOM. I couldn't imagine telling my mom NO. Not in this situation especially.
@@swlancaster1964 And I couldn't imagine as a parent being a burden to my kids. It's one of the worst things I could possibly do. NO WAY would I do this to my kids. Even if my child was you and was willing, I would say no. At least financially. Sacrificing some to help your mom health wise should she need a roof over her head to keep her from living under a bridge is one thing. Completely derailing your future financial plans over their decisions is another.
@@swlancaster1964 nonsense. If you believe "Kari", Mom and Dad have made horrible choices for decades, so Mom has no money now. That's on her. Make her get rid of the house, go to an apartment, live on Social Security. Oh that's right, she has little of that, because she had been working under the table for quite a while. To heck with "Mom"...you owe Mom nothing. Nada, zilch, nic, nichts.
@@swlancaster1964 Not sure why you chose my comment for your reply. The mom is seeking to remain in her present home, at an excessive burden on her kids and grandkids. That is not reasonable. I might need to listen again, but I don't recall hearing any refusal for her to live with the family of one of her kids, though that would hardly be fair to the daughter in-law or son in-law involved. This predicament is so easily avoided earlier in life by simply being financially responsible.
I read this in the comments section months ago, yet now I'm having to let a relative live with me after losing a job. She has no one else but me and said she'd be homeless otherwise. Quite a mess. Couldn't bring her car with her because she can't get it registered right now. Hope she can pull herself out of this soon. Needs to be employed and in her own place.
My mom made literally decades of bad choices and now she's paying for it. Friends and family of mine have asked why I'm not stepping in to 'save' her. Making her my dependent so that she can drag me into the pit of misery she's created won't save her. It will just burden me with the consequences of choices I advised against. I refuse to blame myself for not dying on the cross for her sins. Guilt should only be a factor when you did something wrong. Not when someone else did something wrong and you couldn't stop them from being stupid.
You cannot step in to do everything, but if you have children then you know all that you pour into them, and all of the sacrifices that you make. Some of these sacrifices literally change the course of your life. You may not technically “owe” your parents anything, but I don’t see how you do not feel any urge to ease some of their burdens if you have the means..😢 As Americans we have become so self centered, heartless and money hungry. It’s sad. Life is WAY more than how much in investments and worldly possessions we can attain. Hopefully your children will have more mercy and grace for you when the time comes. Life will humble you quickly
@@Lee-qx2dvNo, as Americans, starting with Gen Y, for the first time in recent history, our standard of living has gone DOWN. Housing costs are through the roof and so is inflation. If you would sacrifice your children's future and make them live in squalor while you take everything you feel "entitled to" so you can live comfortably, then you don't deserve the title of parent. Because that's indentured servitude, to suggest your children owe you for doing your job. No, if you do your job, if you do it well, if you maintain the relationship and grow together, your adult child MAY CHOOSE to help you. MAY. But it will not be to rescue you from the seeds of your own poor choices. It will be because they love you and they know that you sacrificed and made good choices for them. It will be because they take on that mantle of responsibility willingly. A parental sacrifice is not a guarantee for a comfortable retirement if you don't do the work.
I am a mother of 2. It is my responsibility to do things right so that when i am older my kids dont have to help me. My kids dont owe me anything. That to me is insane!! And whoever goes through life making bad decisions hoping their kids help them later, should not hold the title of parent. That is plain toxic@@Lee-qx2dv
@@Lee-qx2dvShe said her mother is making bad decisions she advised against. My mother also takes out credit cards, buys new cars after I tell her she shouldn’t at her age. Honoring my parents is being respectful of the adults they are, not getting them out of financial distress they’ve created.
@@kcourtney6826 if you have the means, I still cannot see any good reason not to help alleviate some of your parents financial burdens. If you literally do not have the money then that is another story. It is too easy to judge someone else’s decisions and decide that they have made bad ones. Most people are doing the best they can with what they have, whether that be their decision making skills or mental aptitude. It is very uncommon for a parent to take the advice of their child, even if their child is absolutely right. If you have children, when they grow up they will also feel that you made plenty of bad decisions, and maybe you will have, but most likely you will have been trying YOUR best. God instructs us to not only honor our parents but also to show mercy and compassion, and who do we owe our mercy and compassion to more than our own parents? Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you"… As a man in my mid 30’s who lost both of my parents and my closest extended family member who was like a brother by age 30, I have learned what is truly important in life. As long as you have food to eat and a roof over your head, money is not worth the paper it’s printed on if you do have family to share it with. If you live in America and you are making all of those great decisions you are talking about, then you should never have any shortage of money anyway. Even though my parents died young, everyday I regret that i didn’t work harder to be financially successful sooner, so that I could have relieved more of their burdens. I do not judge anyone who does not agree with me though. My experiences have led me here and your experiences have led you to where you are. We are both trying our best. Is either of us wrong?
My wife and I help maintain my mother-in-law’s house which is paid off. She squeaks by on VERY limited Social Security and retirement money. Staying in the house is by far the most economical place for her. She has never asked for anything nor does she complain about how tight money has been for three decades. If she had been a whiner along the way I probably wouldn’t be there for her. Each year that my mother-in-law remains in the house is a win. Currently it’s year 52. If she dies tomorrow, we get the proceeds from a $375k house and about $100,000 cash. If she ends up in a nursing home and burns through all her money, I can rest peacefully, knowing that we made the right choice along the way.
Make sure all assets are out of her name before she goes into the nursing home (hopefully she won't have too). Nursing homes take their patients assets. They took my husband's grandads 100 acres when he went in bc the family failed to transfer the assets.
She is willing to have Mom live with her, that should be enough of an offer. Don't let family pressure you in to doing something that you will resent forever. Her husband should have foreseen this even if Mom is naive - no insurance, no plan for what will happen when he's gone. This is on him but he's dead.
YES!!!! My husband's sisters have practically bankrupted themselves trying to "help" 57-year-old baby brother. They've asked us why baby brother never calls us for help. I told them he did call. Once. We said no. He's never called since.
Yes. Sometimes it’s just basic math against the older person’s desires. Sometimes the adult children just need to financially protect themselves because otherwise they’ll never be able to retire. And it’s really not fair for somebody in their 90s to expect other people to go broke because they don’t want to move from their condo or wherever they are that they can no longer afford to live in. Especially if they’re sitting on a large amount of equity that they could get if they sold their place and move next to family in a nice senior apartment.
Very true, but the point is that the person nevertheless does feel guilty. But they should not try to alleviate the feeling by giving in to an unfair demand. Better to work on undoing the sense of guilt itself.
"No" is a complete sentence and with many people giving reasons for that "no" is just opportunity for them to keep fighting against it and wearing you down. Say no. Move on. No excuses unless YOU want to give them. But be prepared for a fight.
Best decision I ever made was to leave family (abuse) behind at age 32. I’m 37 now and me and my husband have such a sense of peace and connection because we don’t have all the family drama that was anything but loving. I regret nothing.
Amen, if you've got a family of emotional and financial vampires and all they bring you in return is drama and expense without any gratitude, distance is best.
I'm 37 male and about to leave my mom behind at 67. All she does is complain we don't do anything for her when she asks and when we say no. And she brings up her old age, and how lazy we are or ungrateful if we don't help. Calls us disrespectful for asking questions or like why you need it? Lmao But she loves my brother the jail bird drug dealer when all I ever tried to do was hold down a business or job 😂 expects every thing she asks to be done on her time, never mind what im doing. and she expects me to pay her bills and I'm not going for it. Have your golden child that has 8 kids help you. 😂oh right he in jail 😂 he go to jail every two months for selling dope. 😂
Parents have 3 major jobs: 1) instill morals and values in your children that will make them successful 2) give them as good of a financial transition into adulthood as you can 3) to NOT be a financial burden on your children when your elderly
Facts!!! But instead their ONLY priority 1) using kids as a retirement plan, cause they raised us… No shit, you had us 😂😂😂😂 I’m dealing with the same issue BUT my “family” knows they weren’t there for me when I needed them. When they need me, it’s always a thing with them.. especially when I say NO.
crazy cuz the kids(30-50 year olds) have a much harder time to get a house cuz of inflation. so the old people who don't have money are actually a whole lot worse with money. aka they will be part of the homeless population right now if they grow up in our times.
@@ugabuga1361This is a false narrative. Previous generations have lived through inflation and financial hard times. They just weren’t as whiny as today’s adults. You are delusional if you believe today’s economy is worse than the 1930s or even the late 70s. 2008 collapse was bad too. Pres. Carter gave us housing interest rates of 19+ percent. Try buying a house under those conditions.
On the flip side then we shouldn’t be expecting parents to pay their kids college educations. A lot of people neglect their retirement contributions because they are paying for college. My parents didn’t pay for me to get a degree and they also don’t ask me for money.
I was talked into taking my mother who had late term incurable cancer (she had her own apartment and money). She and I never got along. Brother and half sister talked me into it since it would only be for a few months according to the doctors. Before this I flew across country to help every chemo treatment and surgery. Half sister lived down the street but was too busy. 🙄 I tried to be strong and say no but - reasons. Moved her across country and was suppose to live with us but apparently my house wasn't good enough for her so she rented nearby. She lived for 3 years and was a miserable narcissist and of course was super demanding. Yes; my mother but I regret it. There - I finally admit it.
I had a very toxic mother. She loved us but she had a lot of issues. One month after she died I was driving past her old place. I realized at that moment that the sky is bluer and my spirit brighter because my mom was no longer alive. I think everyone with my last name would say the same thing. I don’t feel regret for my thoughts, just sadness for my mom and how she lived for 83 years.
I took care of my parents and grandparents at the end of their lives. Didn't get any real help from my siblings at all. I don't even speak to my siblings now. I don't resent my helping my parents/grandparents but I do resent my siblings for being MIA until it was time to read the will then suddenly they're there with a hand out.
@@DuffyGabiI felt the same when my mum died, I felt relief from her hating me I felt freedom. I don't regret those feelings even though extended family think I'm awful. My kids agree because they suffered too.
Caller-Mom is NOT a sweet & gentle lady. She knows what she is doing to all of you...and still wants to stay in her house. It hurts to see things as they are, but it will help you make good decisions here. Best of luck to you!
If you can’t help, you can’t help. I was in a similar situation recently and I felt awful not being able to financially help a family member but my husband and I are barely holding our heads above water. We also have 2 kids to care for.
No matter how old a person is, they need to be responsible for their own decisions, the mom wants to live in her home. But we don't all get what we want. She may need to move. I say this as a woman in her 70's. We have to adjust and live accordingly.
If you don’t sacrifice early in life to build a comfortable retirement, you are forced to sacrifice later in life to survive. Mom chose to live like everybody else, so now she has to continue to live like them: dead broke in the cheapest place possible eating ramen. Don’t bail people out that chose to destroy themselves.
amen. youre going to suffer sometime, id just rather suffer when im young and can take it then when im old. either way though, youre going to have to sacrifice and go through some discomfort at some point in your life. there is nothing sadder than being 80, having worked an entire lifetime, and having nothing to show for it.
Her mom was struggling and working under the table not living large. Her husband wouldn’t work and blew the money from the reversible mortgage. I can’t totally fault mom because my grandma grew up in a generation where women went straight from their dad’s house to their husband’s without ever living independently. My grandma knew nothing about what my granddaddy did with their finances or how to manage them. My mom and her siblings had to help her once he did.
Why people that are irresponsible with money expect those that have money, just because they've saved and looked after it, to bail them out all the time is beyond me.
@commonenglishmistakes4360 Yes, crazy how they depend on someone who wasn't irresponsible. It'd be something if they found out the one they're depending on decided to be just as irresponsible and couldn't help.
Mom is just full of bad decisions! She was ok with her husband not working for years and them just doing enough to get by. A reverse mortgage and doesn’t want to move out of her home, so kids make it happen for me! Ugh! This daughter needs to stick by her guns. Whomever lives closest to her needs to help her have yard sales to sell her stuff and help herself! She’ll be moving in with her kids and has to really downsize! Make a little cash to help herself!! Sadly she hasn’t planned for anything for her future!
@@jimmymcgill6778The mom is likely telling the sisters this. In the past one sister moved in with her to help but now her husband has a new job elsewhere.
Reminds me why as a woman, I need to have a source of my own income not counting my husband’s income. I don’t want to put the burden of how I live on my son. I hope she allows her sisters to support their mom since they want to. Not reasonable to pay rent for someone for an unidentified period of time! Nope.
I've got a friend who is 79, and he says if he lost all his money, he will move to Thailand to teach English. (He taught English in Japan for forty years. Every few months, he goes to Thailand for a month.)
Michelle- exactly this. I have relatives who have literally looked up what I sold my house for and then subtracted what I was probably paying in order to figure out what the profit was and then demand that that profit go to taking care of another family member. Unless These family members are planning to take care of me when I’m 95, and they aren’t, they don’t get a say in my finances.
My sister and her husband live with my parents. They renovated the bathroom and the kitchen for my parents. My parents put my name and siblings in their living trust . We get 25% each if the house is sold. I told her I will not take my 25% because she took care of my daughters since they were babies while my wife and I had to go to work. I am well off financially and so is my brother in law. But we do chip in for our parent’s vacation trips.
I have some understanding of what this woman is going through. My husband and I are also getting out of debt. My family sees this, my mother asked us since we're doing so well if we could take on her debt and my brother's debt. It was hard to tell them no however it had to be done. Stick to your boundaries. They will try to gaslight you they will try to make you feel guilty. This isn't your fault and it's not your problem. I told my mother not my circus not my monkey. She's still mad at me about that
@sjf8305 -- Take on your mother AND brother's debt??? Hard to tell them no? It would be hard for me to just say "no" and not "hell no!" I'm glad you turned your mother down. Good for you.
Unless it was for medical expenses, they would have just gone out and created new debt. The fact that she asked you to take your brother’s too is very telling.
'My success is not your insurance policy.' A later commenter wrote that, makes splendid sense. And keep all your money info to yourself - in fact, that's what the scammers who call to let you know you've won PCH tell you.: even family, once they learn you've got money coming in, will want a share - especially family.
If the mom and brother truly want to get out of debt, introduce them to the plan you're using. Whether they choose to use it or not is on them. You did your part
The caller said several times that the house is falling apart. If true, this can void the reverse mortgage agreement and lead to an immediate mortgagee sale. That is, the caller's mother may get kicked out of house almost immediately and the house will be sold by the bank. One of the downsides of a reverse mortgage.
For a long time, I struggled, hard. I never asked my family for anything. I just kept going. 25 years later, I am now doing well, I'm getting there. Guess who is coming around with their hands open? No guilt over here. I worked hard to be prosperous, no thanks to any support or encouragement from them. I don't hold back, for myself and I don't feel guilty.
If you look at what you wrote you will see how arrogant and prideful you sound. Who gave you the mind, determination, and ability to succeed? Who allowed protection from physical, emotional, and financial financial harm? God did. Ever hear the saying, but there for the grace of God go I? There's a Christian movie with a character in it that reminds me of you. It's called The Encounter.
Outside of emergencies (medical and other) that few can properly plan for, loving parents do NOT put their adult children in this position. I can say this from both sides as a son and a parent. I would not appreciate if my parents put me in this position due to their failure to properly plan for old age AND I would not put my kid in this position due to my failure to properly plan for old age. I AM PROPERLY PLANNING FOR OLD AGE!! Sometimes I have gotten criticized from the comment section because of the above. See some believe it is my duty to take care of adults, yet they fail to acknowledge that (outside of an emergency) I do NOT expect anyone to take care of me due to my poor planning.
The whole expectation of kids to take care of their parents has never made sense to me. My mother never helped her own father yet I was her sole retirement plan lol. I haven’t spoken to her for 2 years. Everyone needs to figure out their own sh*t period. I don’t have kids and am certainly not willing to end up on the street in my own retirement because I gave everything to my mother (my father passed a while back..never expected anything from us). Side note, she’s fine. She has never been single and her latest scam is to date older men and hope that they pass before her. The last one did and left her more than she deserved and she was shacked up with another (this one even older than the last) no more than 6 months later. Oh well, not my problem at least.
@@supernova11711 While I agree with you, with all due respect, you sound like you have issues outside of simply money with your mother. The one thing I implore you to think about, don't hate all women just because you have issues with your mother. I say that as FATHER to a daughter. There are good and bad women just as there are good and bad men.
@ Lol I am a woman myself. It makes me laugh that everyone on the internet automatically assumes everyone else is a man (and American haha). No, I don’t hate anyone because of my mother. And yes, to say I have issues with my mother was made pretty obvious by my statement (she has NPD) but I still feel that what I said stands. If kids have the means to and want to help their parents then that’s wonderful. Especially when said parents deserve it. Nobody should EXPECT it though, that’s all I’m saying. Nobody should have kids because they expect to gain financially from doing so.
@@supernova11711 I agree with you 💯💯💯💯!! I have the same situation with my parents. They see their kids as retirement plans. My older sister has the same mentality as my parents. My older sister has never taken care of my parents but she expects her one and only son to be her retirement plan when she's old and unable to work. I hate people who have a mentality like this. It's selfish and narcissistic. They don't do anything for anybody but expect others to do it for them.
Gotta properly plan for old age, and it is on you if you don't. My dad is a boomer, I am Gex X and my kid is Gen Z. I talk to my dad several times a week. We talk about family, world events, politics, entertainment, anything. And as I get older the only thing I want from my kid when I reach my 70s and beyond is a little of her time. Give me a call and shoot the breeze for a little. We'll take a walk, go to the movies, whatever. But what I DON'T want is her money because I am properly planning for old age!
How it should be and if you have a little bit to spare I’m sure that will end up in her pockets right?? Cause that’s my goal exactly. Can’t die and take all your money with you, I mean technically, cash you can 😂 but let’s not be greedy like these parents out here, wanting their kids to be their retirement plan 🤦♂️
Sadly, there are a lot of old people in their 90s who refuse to make plans. They’ve convinced themselves that they’re just going to drop dead on the sidewalk because they do not ever want to go into a nursing home. They believe if they don’t make plans then they’ll never end up Where they don’t wanna go. It makes no sense, but I see it all the time in Florida.
The issue is not: whether or not you have the money, or that you have 2 kids, etc., etc. Even if they had the money, they didn’t want to wash it down the drain. Mom needs to pack her bags to move in! Ppl’s mistakes will never be my emergencies.
You are right, but…. She needs someone to listen to her… she _needs_ to tell her story …. ….because she feels guilty and she’s being made to feel guilty by her sisters. I hope she did indeed listen and make the right choices.
If you don't make plans for your own income, there are plenty of people out there, including family, that think they are entitled to make it for you. This not only pertains to your money, but also, your time.
We can learn from mom's poor choices in men: "always trying to get on disability, never wanted to hold down a job..." ladies, DO NOT choose that guy. No matter how smooth he talks or how "exiting" he is. This situation would never have happened.
Saying no the first time is the hardest, the most important part is the first time you say no just say no. “Hey, can I borrow $500 until next month?” Response, “no.” No is a complete sentence, often times the guilt is there because we giving them an excuse that not completely true versus just saying no.
Yess that's why ur mom gave birth to you just to say no fucker take care of ur mom and dad when they get old cuz they make u capable of living in this world.
My reply is usually "try a bank or a payday loan first." It's a win-win. If they loan them the money, problem solved. If they don't get the loan, I get to say "if they see you as a poor risk, why should I see you as a good one?"
If mom has no mental issues, she's an adult. SHE made/helped make the decisions as an adult. Let HER deal with the results. And tell your sister(s) to piss off.
My 2 Cents after dealing with a hard headed mother is sometimes you have to be the parent and put your foot down. You tell them how it’s going to go..Rent a Uhaul. Pack up mom’s stuff in it. 1) Ask mom to get in the car. 2) Tell mom to get in the car. 3) put her in the car. Drive away. Shut off the utilities and let the bank have the house. The end. Now if you are unwilling to force mom in the vehicle still drive off. Don’t answer any of her calls for 24 hours and tell the rest of the siblings not to either. Go back the next day and mom will be running to hop in the car.
@@robertkrumm2470If all of my siblings were helping our 80 yo mom except me I would feel bad about doing nothing. He could at least cut the grass, do some repairs, something. After my granddaddy died, my mom and some of her siblings pitched in to help my grandma but some of my uncles did nothing even when they were asked. My granny asked my uncle to remodel her bathroom. He started and never finished. She asked him to clip the hedges. He butchered them to the point they never grew back lush. He said he intentionally did it that way so not to be asked again.
Why should the son take care of mom? Mom should figure out how to get out of her own mess. First it was the husband that took care of business, now she wants her kids to step in? No way!
No. If parents have a legitimate need and children are able to help, then they should. And children shouldn't see it as a "burden," but as loving and honoring one's parents.
Too bad that Mom wants to stay in her house. She can’t. The callers moral obligation is her husband and their family. Anyone that thinks she should help can help mom themselves.
My grandmother was like that. She wanted one of us to uproot our own families, leave our BIGGER houses, where she could have comfortably moved in to, and move into her much smaller house. These people are extremely selfish.
Her kids should not be burdened with the mistakes of the continual bad decisions of their mother. Mom is old enough to figure things out for herself, and the children should not be going to their siblings to “get her dug out of that hole”.
Mom has no mortgage and brings in 1400 per month from SS. Why would she need 350 x3 from her kids? Kari should stop gossiping and speak with her mother directly.
A reverse mortgage is selling your house and still living in it while getting paid (either a lump sum or monthly payments). Whether you get the full value of the property or not, when you die, your heirs might have the opportunity to buy that mortgage from the holder or surrender the house. It's a stupid thing to do.
@@John-du2mqI think you may be confusing a “reverse mortgage”, Home Equity Conversion Mortgage (HECM) with a Home Equity Loan (HEL) or “second mortgage”, where you borrow against the equity in your home.
I disagree that the caller should "get the numbers" to feel better. If I understood correctly, the mom has the option to move in with them. That's a very substantial offer of help. Pay to support mom in her home that is falling apart? Not an option. Doesn't matter what the numbers are. Mom sounds kind of passive aggressive.
It would be beneficial to know the numbers on the reverse mortgage in case there was some left for her mother to spend on her own bills or whether the bank is going to boot her out shortly
My rule for taking care of disabled people for 25 years was this. " DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR SOMEONE....... THAT THEY CAN DO FOR THEMSELVES." Your cheating someone when you hoover them and solve their problems that they need to struggle and solve. Before you pay for mom then she needs to look explore all kinds of other options options. You may only need to make a small adjustment.
This is one of those old school woman (the mother) who has always counted on someone to take care of her. And it looks like the daughters have taken over that role. This woman will never be able to take care of herself…and doesn’t look like she will have to
lifetime of bad financial decisions generally leads to being old and having to be taken care of. dont expect your kids to take care of you, make good decisions.
@@CatWhiskeringwell said. My MiL leeched off us for decades to the point we had to delay having children. She has sucked so much from us. Finally my husband called a halt to it in 2018 so our kids could go to college and we could retire.
@@oldbuzzard8536 she was not very happy about it but when he stated all the facts she really couldn’t argue much. When our kids were little we offered to buy a place with a separate mother in law suite. I found a really nice one. It would have meant she had to put the kids on the school bus in the morning and escort them home after school though once they were school age. She refused the offer of free room and board. So we stayed in our current home and shelled out tons of money of child care when they were little. We both kept working but I could only work 32 hours a week when they hit school age in order to do drop off and pick up (current house had no bus service ). Fast forward to my much younger SiL having kids and MiL moves in with them. She pays rent and utilities! And watches their four kids full time. They do not pay her. My husband told his sister you are getting the benefits of free child care. If she needs anything it’s now up to you to pay for it. My MiL has a gambling problem and there is none where we live. My SiL lives with lots of casinos so MiL was happy to move there.
My grandma didn’t want to leave New York but her health was failing and we weren’t moving to NY…so we told her to either move to Florida or will die in her house in NY with no one around
You do realize this has nothing to do with the reverse mortgage, right? If she had no mortgage, those utilities and property taxes would still need paid.
Kari’s mother lived it up for 80 years, taking no responsibilities, and now she doesn’t want any accountability. That’s not a “nice, sweet lady” - that’s a manipulator. 80 years old? She spent 62 years planning for her reality - don’t bet he one to take it away from her. She earned it.
Bloody hell….bit harsh? She comes from a different time when women were housewives and took care of their husbands and husbands took care of finances……. You don’t know her situation and that was just a nasty thing to say. And just because her husband took care of the finances doesn’t mean that she didn’t have any responsibilities….. No need to be so judgemental and nasty in your comments.
@@tchilds1077 LOL, tell me you aren’t grasping generations without telling me aren’t grasping generations. You did it 🥳. No, the generation you are thinking of is BEFORE this woman. My grandmother’s generation. This woman’s generation is my mother’s generation and they worked too, and every when they were SAHM’s when they had kids in the home, they worked before and after kids. Think the likes of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton. You need to have a full grasp on generations, because you are all kinds of confused.
It might be worth checking to see if you County, State has Offices for the Aging. It could be a resource for advice, counseling or available resources for this kind of situation.
She has no house payment and she is 80. While $1,300 a month is not a large amount of money, what exactly are the mother's bills? She is not paying any income tax, and would qualify for Medicaid, so no medical payments. The house doesn't sound like it is going to have a large property tax bill either.
I don't understand why her expenses are so high to ask for $350 a month from this daughter, how much are other family members contributing? She mentioned credit card debt - is that being paid down? Depending on where she lives the house could still have value even in rough condition and reverse mortgage. Hats off to this woman for rocking the boat, that's hard!!
Um do you guys even have a clue about actual finances? The reverse mortgage shuold have given her some money but her financial issues are probably the following. She probably does not qualify for Medicaid as 16K from social and having a house disqualifies her. She probably is paying for medicare which is like 300 a month. Taxes on her house as well as insurance probably run her around 600 a month. Utilities etc are probably another 200 a month. Then there is food, so for 200 a month that is her money used every month. 200 a month for food is doable if you just make your own atuff and don't go out etc.
I outlived all my family, including children. It was so awful at the time but I must say, in general, it's so nice to not have family jerking my chain with their opinions about my life decisions.
This show shows us that finances are usually emotions and family drama, not straight finances. My husband and I don't talk to our families because they are about BS like the stories on here and Reddit cringe.
My gf back in 1980 told me her mom was a financial genius. I was 20 so I had no clue. We got married we had a kid and got divorced and now our son is 35. I asked him how his grandma is doing? He said she’s so broke almost bankrupt. I was so shocked. She has 4 kids and they all have to give her money each month. She got a huge second mortgage. $2500. A month. And her SS is about $2500. It’s a mess.
It is something that you really can't control actually. Every time you get mad or sad/emotional, it just comes on. There is NOTHING that you can do about it. If you don't experience this, than consider yourself lucky because it is frustrating as fuck.
We allowed my mom to live with us for 12 years prior to her departure from this earth.
She brought our household countless blessings but also numerous issues that we are still dealing with.
She tried to control me and our house but I always let her know that she is welcome to move out anytime she feels the need to.
And when my sisters would put their noses in our business, I would always extend the offer for my mom to move in with them.
I am thankful that my mom was able to move in with us but the cost to my family was high.
Never let your family bully you no matter what.
Yes! Set boundaries and stick to them.
I respect your honest assessment of this sort of living arrangement.
Guilt is a form of emotional manipulation.
Facts !
Bingo. I know a person who's a master at making others feel guilty when it comes to pitching in money or going on family outings or visiting cousins or things that people can't do or decline to. BTW, she's always had all the free time in the world and hasn't "wanted" for anything financially in thirty plus years. She's a sweet enough person, but she's a master at guilt manufacturing. It's my sister and I LOVE her to death but she's always been like that. One thing I HATE that she has done is she and my BIL, who's a GREAT guy - one of the best in the world EVER, have done a LOT for my now deceased Mom, in her house and also helping her monthly with money - even though she didn't ask or need it since she had no debt and social security was what she lived on but she was happy - and she knew if she ever did need something we were there for her. I sent her a few dollars a month, but not much and not nearly as much as they did, but the kicker was all she was doing was putting most of it in the bank so we got it back anyhow. LOL. The rest of us siblings also did, but when it came to remodeling my Mom's VERY dated kitchen many years ago, I offered to pitch in with the cost, as did my other brother and they declined and INSISTED on paying for it themselves, a very nice gesture. Also, for my Mom's 90th Birthday and her funeral brunch two years later, she and my BIL picked up, despite our objections, the whole bill from a nice restaurant and bar place with a banquet room. The problem? She always brings up the part about her and her husband paying the whole bill. I KNEW she was going to do that and sure enough, she very slyly and dryly always slips in the part about them paying for the whole thing(s). It is just something she does and it's obviously something that she feels the need to do - as in always toss in a parting slight or something, and frankly I never understood why. It's quite annoying, but at the same time, she'd do anything for any of us and she's sweet as can be. Just that little part of her personality is there.
Well this is the part where you move in silence. Do not share your salaries with family etc. The less they know the less they are able to use something against you.
I wish I could like this comment twice.
@@kristyhughes3146 😂😂❤️thank you. This comes from life experiences🤦🏾♀️
We use to have the rules at work and friends/family no one knows what are your income, at work if someone asked you anything about your salary you had the right to report it to HR ,30 years ago don’t the track everyone is boasting about their pay and then they are surprised that there is jealousy .
I never share money information with my siblings, nor do they with me. For no reason other than neither party is even slightly interested in knowing and besides, we all know that we're quite financially comfortable so none of us would ever ask for anything - and frankly, even if we weren't, we'd never ask. Adults usually don't do that. Kids and immature people do. If mom or dad aren't caring enough during their formative and earning years to give a CRAP about their OWN money or retirement, why is it suddenly someone else's problem now? Not to sound harsh, but that old line comes to mind when I hear stories like this - and it ONLY applies to stories like this, not horrible or emergency situations ...... "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". No truer words ...... Obviously, be there for her if there are NO other options, but as she stated, they decided to go with a reverse mortgage - which is a HORRIBLE idea. OBVIOUSLY the woman and her husband weren't real "go getters" (him always "going for disability" and "couldn't ever hold a job" and her "working under the table") but all of a sudden the kids have to deal with it? Um, yea. No.
@@louisebb4183discussing salaries in protected by federal law now. I had a small business threaten one of my kids with a civil suit for discussing salaries with other staff. I sent them a nice letter citing the law they were breaking and suggesting that they would not be coming out well in that law suit. She left working there. Very toxic
A good parent tries not to burden their kids.
She’s 80 years old. Just when do you think it is time/ok to need help/be taken care of? I’m not saying that they need to do what the mother wants and allow her to stay in her own home, but also saying a good parent tries not to burden their kid doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen at some point in time in their life. If they don’t have a significant other anymore then it is the children’s responsibility, if the parent took care of/raised them.
I disagree children do not have an obligation to take care of their parents just because the parents raised them. Kids don’t ask to be born and if your lucky enough to have a child take care of you that’s great. But usually if your child won’t take care of you it’s because most times the parent is a pain in the ass. Coming from a 65 year old man.
@@matthews2122 When? When I have done everything I can - including selling my house and moving to a 1 BR senior apt. - and my health has deteriorated in spite of myself and when I know that NOT letting them help will make them feel worse than letting them help me. That's when.
‘Choose guilt over resentment’ I needed to hear these words years ago. Resentment is a vile poison.
Yes, just difficult doing that when an immediate relative will be homeless otherwise.
Guilt isn't good either.
Choose neither.
So true. I've needed to learn this lesson. If I say yes to something that I don't want to be involved with, it's as much my fault as theirs.
Resentment is so much harder to let go of. Try to address the situation before it goes there
Say NO!!!!!! It took me 40 years to finally say no more. 🎉🎉🎉❤
I have learned a while ago to never divulge or talk about your finances with anyone…even family.
I need to learn that
@@Anonyme67 They'll constantly try to borrow from you or expect you to pay every time you go out for dinner or something like that.
I'm the poorest sibling so im ok no one asks
@@sblijheid they’ll borrow from you, then when you ask for it back they say you have a job just work for it. From that day on I never looked at my mom the same, her sweetness is a manipulation tool to get things out of someone and deflect when it’s brought up. I’ll never let her borrow from me again. I still love her though
Wow! "Choose guilt over resentment" wow! Thank you for this advice!
Mom acts sweet and gentle AND is allowing the daughters to be the bulldogs and do the dirty work. I see this as a healthcare worker. Caller needs to say no and LET them be mad.
My thought, too. There are lots of "sweet" manipulators operating secretly through others.
She’s 80 years old. Of course she’s gentle.
@@katemiller7874The sweet little old lady trope is not universal. They are just as capable of manipulation as anyone else.
forreal, my mom blames my dad for everything so she doesn't ever look like the bad person
@@amyrussell860 abuse by proxy
The one thing that stood out to me: the second husband "drained her down further". Ladies, don't become a nurse or a purse to a man.
Love it "don't become a nurse or a purse for a man"! Thank you
Because that happens often, right?
Don’t be a nurse or a purse for anyone.
Genius statement 👏🏻👍🏻
Your kind are far more likely to be selfish out of both sexes and your comment proves it.
My success is not your insurance policy.
@scratch57 -- EXACTLY!
I actually got told basically that by an ex-relative. She's in her 60s, I'm in the 80s but she is on aid and only allowed to work/earn/etc so much. I'm glad I can help but being told she doesn't know 'what' when I die - yikes. Glad I have a sense of humor.
Wow!! Yes, absolutely. And then your made to feel guilty about it. Like I worked hard to get where I'm at while you racked up debt and went on vacations.
I am so fortunate when it comes to this. My Mom was a single mother after I was 8. She didn't get much for support and never was with another man after that. She worked for a good company. Retired at 55 with a pension and took a lump sum. She reinvested her pension and worked part time. She purchased her own home and paid it off. She lived in her own home with SS and RMD's from her investments. She never needed financial help from anyone. So proud of her.
Sounds like this woman's mistake was getting tied up with another man who just screwed things up.
Let her know Mom, you have done well.
I love it when family tries to hand the family problem over to you. Nice. You have learned how to say "no". Stay with it. Don't swallow the guilt.
Do you want to stand before Jesus and explain how your money and pride were more important to you than taking care of your mom? I wouldn't.
@@swlancaster1964 🎉 first sensible comment I see in this whole comment section!
@@swlancaster1964 Listen to the beginning of the call again. She is more than willing to take care of her mom. What she is not wanting to do is throw money away at a house that is falling apart and has a reverse mortgage.
@@swlancaster1964 It has nothing to do with pride. It has everything to do with learning lessons in life and being better for it. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and never learn you do not have the right to potentially destroy another person in the process.
@@swlancaster1964 Her mom has other options for places to live. Mom wants to live in a house that is falling apart and reverse mortgaged.
3:90 was a good one, I don't often here genuinely good advice from this channel but that was a good one.
"If you pay this money, you will become angry, not because of the money, but because your boundary was broken and you will resent (them) for your weakness, don't let that happen."
No one has ever explained resentment to me that way and it has helped put some things into perspective for me, I think.
I allowed far too many of my boundaries to be shattered over the knee which is why I feel so resentful of many things, something for me to work on.
Good luck to that woman and her husband.
I want my kids to WANT to help me, NOT feel obligated to help because I did not plan
Exactly!
A parent that really understands their role as a parent would cry tears of joy when their child prioritizes taking care of their spouse and children over their parent.
Really? I would cry if my 80 year old mom was homeless because I refused to help her based on my own pride and greed.
@@swlancaster1964 Where is her mom going to be homeless? Not everyone is entitled to own a home. That doesn't mean homeless. Homeless means not having a roof over your head. Let's not change the definition of homeless. It's disingenuous.
I have seen two of your comments and I think you are greatly missing what people are saying. No one is saying to throw her mom on the streets and say good luck!
@@swlancaster1964She said mom is welcome to live with any of her kids.
No is the right answer.
Sorry mom, time to suffer some inconvenient consequences for your long road of bad choices, instead of trying to lay it at the feet of your kids and grandkids.
Exactly.
And maybe this is something Dave and the others should bring up in their calls (as appropriate): When you are a child, you live where and as you're told, because you don't have the money or skills to live on your own.
THE SAME THING CAN HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE OLD, IF YOU A) REFUSE TO ADULT (WORK IF YOU CAN, LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, ETC.) AND WAIT FOR YOUR KIDS TO BAIL YOU OUT; OR 2) GIVE UP HAVING MONEY AND CHOICES IN OLD AGE SO YOU CAN LIVE BIG TODAY!
So many callers like this one either say, or their parent(s) says: "Don't want to move; want to stay in the old home." Well, if you don't make sure you can, you may not get a choice, because you may lose the home, or your kids can't afford to help out, or no one can or will move to make it happen for you. And you wind up living in a camper in their backyard. Money means options....make sure you have some!
Wow, I am shocked by the comments of the hosts AND this audience. I see people who are willing to blame the mom and refuse to help. Sorry, mom, we're paying off our debt snowball, and my siblings have been irresponsible too. We'd love to help, but getting out of debt so later we can be millionaires and can live...and give...like No-one else is our goal. Can ANYONE here see the ONE person you should sacrifice to give to is your MOM? How should she be helped in this case? There are options out there. Saying no is not one of them. I would take her in...one of the kids should try. Sell the house and hope there are proceeds. Find her an apartment based on her income. What happens if she gets bad health? The advice given sounds like tough love. It sounds like sibling rivalry. Nobody wants to be burdened by an irresponsible 80 year old woman. Except that 80 year old woman is your MOM. I couldn't imagine telling my mom NO. Not in this situation especially.
@@swlancaster1964 And I couldn't imagine as a parent being a burden to my kids. It's one of the worst things I could possibly do. NO WAY would I do this to my kids. Even if my child was you and was willing, I would say no. At least financially.
Sacrificing some to help your mom health wise should she need a roof over her head to keep her from living under a bridge is one thing. Completely derailing your future financial plans over their decisions is another.
@@swlancaster1964 nonsense. If you believe "Kari", Mom and Dad have made horrible choices for decades, so Mom has no money now. That's on her. Make her get rid of the house, go to an apartment, live on Social Security. Oh that's right, she has little of that, because she had been working under the table for quite a while. To heck with "Mom"...you owe Mom nothing. Nada, zilch, nic, nichts.
@@swlancaster1964 Not sure why you chose my comment for your reply. The mom is seeking to remain in her present home, at an excessive burden on her kids and grandkids. That is not reasonable. I might need to listen again, but I don't recall hearing any refusal for her to live with the family of one of her kids, though that would hardly be fair to the daughter in-law or son in-law involved. This predicament is so easily avoided earlier in life by simply being financially responsible.
Don't lite yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I read this in the comments section months ago, yet now I'm having to let a relative live with me after losing a job. She has no one else but me and said she'd be homeless otherwise. Quite a mess. Couldn't bring her car with her because she can't get it registered right now. Hope she can pull herself out of this soon. Needs to be employed and in her own place.
@@lovethemflowershow old is she
Never heard this saying before but I am going to use it. thanks
@
An unloved child will burn down the village just to feel its warmth.
African proverb
❤this advice
My mom made literally decades of bad choices and now she's paying for it. Friends and family of mine have asked why I'm not stepping in to 'save' her. Making her my dependent so that she can drag me into the pit of misery she's created won't save her. It will just burden me with the consequences of choices I advised against. I refuse to blame myself for not dying on the cross for her sins.
Guilt should only be a factor when you did something wrong. Not when someone else did something wrong and you couldn't stop them from being stupid.
You cannot step in to do everything, but if you have children then you know all that you pour into them, and all of the sacrifices that you make. Some of these sacrifices literally change the course of your life. You may not technically “owe” your parents anything, but I don’t see how you do not feel any urge to ease some of their burdens if you have the means..😢 As Americans we have become so self centered, heartless and money hungry. It’s sad. Life is WAY more than how much in investments and worldly possessions we can attain. Hopefully your children will have more mercy and grace for you when the time comes. Life will humble you quickly
@@Lee-qx2dvNo, as Americans, starting with Gen Y, for the first time in recent history, our standard of living has gone DOWN. Housing costs are through the roof and so is inflation. If you would sacrifice your children's future and make them live in squalor while you take everything you feel "entitled to" so you can live comfortably, then you don't deserve the title of parent. Because that's indentured servitude, to suggest your children owe you for doing your job. No, if you do your job, if you do it well, if you maintain the relationship and grow together, your adult child MAY CHOOSE to help you. MAY. But it will not be to rescue you from the seeds of your own poor choices. It will be because they love you and they know that you sacrificed and made good choices for them. It will be because they take on that mantle of responsibility willingly. A parental sacrifice is not a guarantee for a comfortable retirement if you don't do the work.
I am a mother of 2. It is my responsibility to do things right so that when i am older my kids dont have to help me. My kids dont owe me anything. That to me is insane!! And whoever goes through life making bad decisions hoping their kids help them later, should not hold the title of parent. That is plain toxic@@Lee-qx2dv
@@Lee-qx2dvShe said her mother is making bad decisions she advised against. My mother also takes out credit cards, buys new cars after I tell her she shouldn’t at her age. Honoring my parents is being respectful of the adults they are, not getting them out of financial distress they’ve created.
@@kcourtney6826 if you have the means, I still cannot see any good reason not to help alleviate some of your parents financial burdens. If you literally do not have the money then that is another story. It is too easy to judge someone else’s decisions and decide that they have made bad ones. Most people are doing the best they can with what they have, whether that be their decision making skills or mental aptitude. It is very uncommon for a parent to take the advice of their child, even if their child is absolutely right. If you have children, when they grow up they will also feel that you made plenty of bad decisions, and maybe you will have, but most likely you will have been trying YOUR best. God instructs us to not only honor our parents but also to show mercy and compassion, and who do we owe our mercy and compassion to more than our own parents? Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you"… As a man in my mid 30’s who lost both of my parents and my closest extended family member who was like a brother by age 30, I have learned what is truly important in life. As long as you have food to eat and a roof over your head, money is not worth the paper it’s printed on if you do have family to share it with. If you live in America and you are making all of those great decisions you are talking about, then you should never have any shortage of money anyway. Even though my parents died young, everyday I regret that i didn’t work harder to be financially successful sooner, so that I could have relieved more of their burdens. I do not judge anyone who does not agree with me though. My experiences have led me here and your experiences have led you to where you are. We are both trying our best. Is either of us wrong?
My wife and I help maintain my mother-in-law’s house which is paid off. She squeaks by on VERY limited Social Security and retirement money. Staying in the house is by far the most economical place for her. She has never asked for anything nor does she complain about how tight money has been for three decades. If she had been a whiner along the way I probably wouldn’t be there for her. Each year that my mother-in-law remains in the house is a win. Currently it’s year 52. If she dies tomorrow, we get the proceeds from a $375k house and about $100,000 cash. If she ends up in a nursing home and burns through all her money, I can rest peacefully, knowing that we made the right choice along the way.
Exactly right.
This is a good use of resources.
Make sure all assets are out of her name before she goes into the nursing home (hopefully she won't have too). Nursing homes take their patients assets. They took my husband's grandads 100 acres when he went in bc the family failed to transfer the assets.
@ there’s a five year look back too
She is willing to have Mom live with her, that should be enough of an offer. Don't let family pressure you in to doing something that you will resent forever. Her husband should have foreseen this even if Mom is naive - no insurance, no plan for what will happen when he's gone. This is on him but he's dead.
No is a complete sentence.
YES!!!! My husband's sisters have practically bankrupted themselves trying to "help" 57-year-old baby brother. They've asked us why baby brother never calls us for help. I told them he did call. Once. We said no. He's never called since.
It's not even a matter of choosing guilt over resentment...guilt implies you did something wrong...
Yes. Sometimes it’s just basic math against the older person’s desires. Sometimes the adult children just need to financially protect themselves because otherwise they’ll never be able to retire. And it’s really not fair for somebody in their 90s to expect other people to go broke because they don’t want to move from their condo or wherever they are that they can no longer afford to live in. Especially if they’re sitting on a large amount of equity that they could get if they sold their place and move next to family in a nice senior apartment.
Very true, but the point is that the person nevertheless does feel guilty. But they should not try to alleviate the feeling by giving in to an unfair demand. Better to work on undoing the sense of guilt itself.
"No" is a complete sentence and with many people giving reasons for that "no" is just opportunity for them to keep fighting against it and wearing you down. Say no. Move on. No excuses unless YOU want to give them. But be prepared for a fight.
Best decision I ever made was to leave family (abuse) behind at age 32. I’m 37 now and me and my husband have such a sense of peace and connection because we don’t have all the family drama that was anything but loving. I regret nothing.
Amen, if you've got a family of emotional and financial vampires and all they bring you in return is drama and expense without any gratitude, distance is best.
I'm 37 male and about to leave my mom behind at 67. All she does is complain we don't do anything for her when she asks and when we say no. And she brings up her old age, and how lazy we are or ungrateful if we don't help. Calls us disrespectful for asking questions or like why you need it? Lmao But she loves my brother the jail bird drug dealer when all I ever tried to do was hold down a business or job 😂 expects every thing she asks to be done on her time, never mind what im doing. and she expects me to pay her bills and I'm not going for it. Have your golden child that has 8 kids help you. 😂oh right he in jail 😂 he go to jail every two months for selling dope. 😂
Don't look back either!!
@VonsWorld1111 that's tough. Wishing you all the best 😊
These two need to learn how to use the mute button like Dave.
@@abark Dave would have use his eject button.
@@JustinCase780or the just blaze it button 😂
Not on someone who is really hurting.
There are probably assistance programs the mom can apply for with help for her utilities for the elderly and low income.
Parents have 3 major jobs:
1) instill morals and values in your children that will make them successful
2) give them as good of a financial transition into adulthood as you can
3) to NOT be a financial burden on your children when your elderly
Facts!!! But instead their ONLY priority
1) using kids as a retirement plan, cause they raised us…
No shit, you had us 😂😂😂😂 I’m dealing with the same issue BUT my “family” knows they weren’t there for me when I needed them. When they need me, it’s always a thing with them.. especially when I say NO.
crazy cuz the kids(30-50 year olds) have a much harder time to get a house cuz of inflation. so the old people who don't have money are actually a whole lot worse with money. aka they will be part of the homeless population right now if they grow up in our times.
@@ugabuga1361This is a false narrative. Previous generations have lived through inflation and financial hard times. They just weren’t as whiny as today’s adults. You are delusional if you believe today’s economy is worse than the 1930s or even the late 70s. 2008 collapse was bad too. Pres. Carter gave us housing interest rates of 19+ percent. Try buying a house under those conditions.
Number 3 should be leaving you grandchildren an inheritance. Not being a financial burden is the bare minimum.
On the flip side then we shouldn’t be expecting parents to pay their kids college educations. A lot of people neglect their retirement contributions because they are paying for college. My parents didn’t pay for me to get a degree and they also don’t ask me for money.
You have to put yourself first. No one else will.
I was talked into taking my mother who had late term incurable cancer (she had her own apartment and money). She and I never got along. Brother and half sister talked me into it since it would only be for a few months according to the doctors. Before this I flew across country to help every chemo treatment and surgery. Half sister lived down the street but was too busy. 🙄 I tried to be strong and say no but - reasons. Moved her across country and was suppose to live with us but apparently my house wasn't good enough for her so she rented nearby. She lived for 3 years and was a miserable narcissist and of course was super demanding. Yes; my mother but I regret it. There - I finally admit it.
I had a very toxic mother. She loved us but she had a lot of issues. One month after she died I was driving past her old place. I realized at that moment that the sky is bluer and my spirit brighter because my mom was no longer alive. I think everyone with my last name would say the same thing. I don’t feel regret for my thoughts, just sadness for my mom and how she lived for 83 years.
No is no.
I took care of my parents and grandparents at the end of their lives. Didn't get any real help from my siblings at all. I don't even speak to my siblings now. I don't resent my helping my parents/grandparents but I do resent my siblings for being MIA until it was time to read the will then suddenly they're there with a hand out.
@@DuffyGabiI felt the same when my mum died, I felt relief from her hating me I felt freedom. I don't regret those feelings even though extended family think I'm awful. My kids agree because they suffered too.
@@DuffyGabiI feel this so much. ❤
Caller-Mom is NOT a sweet & gentle lady. She knows what she is doing to all of you...and still wants to stay in her house. It hurts to see things as they are, but it will help you make good decisions here. Best of luck to you!
If you can’t help, you can’t help. I was in a similar situation recently and I felt awful not being able to financially help a family member but my husband and I are barely holding our heads above water. We also have 2 kids to care for.
Sisters wouldn't be happy with her putting it on auto draft payments to creditors.
"Building wealth is like climbing a mountain; investing is the steady ascent, retirement is the summit."
Great analogy! Climbing toward retirement takes effort, but the financial freedom at the top is worth it.
Great insight! I'd love to meet a financial adviser who can help me climb the financial ladder effectively.
Great point, With my adviser’s help, I’ve climbed the financial ladder, making informed decisions that support my retirement goals.
My CFA NICOLE ANASTASIA PLUMLEE a renowned figure in her line of work. I recommend researching her credentials further.
Thank you for this amazing tip. I just looked the name up and wrote her.
Mother already has been invited to live with the various children. Someone needs to have a talk with her and let her decide which kid to live with.
No matter how old a person is, they need to be responsible for their own decisions, the mom wants to live in her home. But we don't all get what we want. She may need to move. I say this as a woman in her 70's. We have to adjust and live accordingly.
No is a complete sentence. One does not have to justify ones decision to third parties. Never.
If you don’t sacrifice early in life to build a comfortable retirement, you are forced to sacrifice later in life to survive. Mom chose to live like everybody else, so now she has to continue to live like them: dead broke in the cheapest place possible eating ramen. Don’t bail people out that chose to destroy themselves.
amen. youre going to suffer sometime, id just rather suffer when im young and can take it then when im old. either way though, youre going to have to sacrifice and go through some discomfort at some point in your life. there is nothing sadder than being 80, having worked an entire lifetime, and having nothing to show for it.
Her mom was struggling and working under the table not living large. Her husband wouldn’t work and blew the money from the reversible mortgage. I can’t totally fault mom because my grandma grew up in a generation where women went straight from their dad’s house to their husband’s without ever living independently. My grandma knew nothing about what my granddaddy did with their finances or how to manage them. My mom and her siblings had to help her once he did.
Why people that are irresponsible with money expect those that have money, just because they've saved and looked after it, to bail them out all the time is beyond me.
Because those people that save is their emergency fund
@@joshuawilliams6153 I think you misread what I wrote
I get a lot of mileage these days out of "I owe you nothing." 🤷🏻
@commonenglishmistakes4360 Yes, crazy how they depend on someone who wasn't irresponsible. It'd be something if they found out the one they're depending on decided to be just as irresponsible and couldn't help.
Mom is just full of bad decisions! She was ok with her husband not working for years and them just doing enough to get by. A reverse mortgage and doesn’t want to move out of her home, so kids make it happen for me! Ugh! This daughter needs to stick by her guns. Whomever lives closest to her needs to help her have yard sales to sell her stuff and help herself! She’ll be moving in with her kids and has to really downsize! Make a little cash to help herself!! Sadly she hasn’t planned for anything for her future!
The mom never said she does not want to move.
The sister just said her mom don't want to move.
Oh, she planned alright, planned to fail and parasite off her kids and grandchildren.
@@jimmymcgill6778The mom is likely telling the sisters this. In the past one sister moved in with her to help but now her husband has a new job elsewhere.
@@anndeecosita3586 You don't know. She is saying that is what she thinks.
@@jimmymcgill6778 And?
Reminds me why as a woman, I need to have a source of my own income not counting my husband’s income. I don’t want to put the burden of how I live on my son. I hope she allows her sisters to support their mom since they want to. Not reasonable to pay rent for someone for an unidentified period of time! Nope.
They needed George on this one to tell her that Mom needs to work.
That dude told an 84 year old to get a job. lol 😮
😂😂😂😂
I've got a friend who is 79, and he says if he lost all his money, he will move to Thailand to teach English. (He taught English in Japan for forty years. Every few months, he goes to Thailand for a month.)
😂😂😂😂😂
That was the first thing I thought too.
@@M-Is-For-Margaretyeah he is not going to Thailand to teach lol 😂
I don't tell my family about my financial situation, they wouldn't know about any promotions, or a master degree.
Wow. That’s sad that you can’t share your milestones of achievement with your family. Mine enjoys congratulating and supporting one another .
Yes, as it should be. I do the same.
@@anndeecosita3586 some of us arent weaklings who need validation from everyone
Exactly..I learn the hard way I have people coming at me cause I don't have kids..
Michelle- exactly this. I have relatives who have literally looked up what I sold my house for and then subtracted what I was probably paying in order to figure out what the profit was and then demand that that profit go to taking care of another family member. Unless These family members are planning to take care of me when I’m 95, and they aren’t, they don’t get a say in my finances.
My sister and her husband live with my parents. They renovated the bathroom and the kitchen for my parents. My parents put my name and siblings in their living trust . We get 25% each if the house is sold. I told her I will not take my 25% because she took care of my daughters since they were babies while my wife and I had to go to work. I am well off financially and so is my brother in law. But we do chip in for our parent’s vacation trips.
Caller needs to let them talk. She knows this is wrong. Accept it and move forward.
It's unfair to ask your children to take care of you financially when you're old
I agree. 😢
I have some understanding of what this woman is going through. My husband and I are also getting out of debt. My family sees this, my mother asked us since we're doing so well if we could take on her debt and my brother's debt. It was hard to tell them no however it had to be done. Stick to your boundaries. They will try to gaslight you they will try to make you feel guilty. This isn't your fault and it's not your problem. I told my mother not my circus not my monkey. She's still mad at me about that
Good for you!!! Keep it that way!!
@sjf8305 -- Take on your mother AND brother's debt??? Hard to tell them no? It would be hard for me to just say "no" and not "hell no!" I'm glad you turned your mother down. Good for you.
Unless it was for medical expenses, they would have just gone out and created new debt. The fact that she asked you to take your brother’s too is very telling.
'My success is not your insurance policy.' A later commenter wrote that, makes splendid sense. And keep all your money info to yourself - in fact, that's what the scammers who call to let you know you've won PCH tell you.: even family, once they learn you've got money coming in, will want a share - especially family.
If the mom and brother truly want to get out of debt, introduce them to the plan you're using. Whether they choose to use it or not is on them. You did your part
Mom can rent out a room or 2 to some elderly ladies like the sitcom
Golden girls.
Caller said house is in bad shape.
I am just learning to assert boundaries with my “family”, they have used me for so long and I am tired of it. In my early forties by the way
The mortgage company with the reverse mortgage can take the house if the home is not kept up
She didn’t say no to her mom, she said “Yes! We’ll help you, and here are the ways we are willing to help…”
No sympathy for that mother.
Just tell your family NO! AND MOVE ON
The caller said several times that the house is falling apart. If true, this can void the reverse mortgage agreement and lead to an immediate mortgagee sale. That is, the caller's mother may get kicked out of house almost immediately and the house will be sold by the bank. One of the downsides of a reverse mortgage.
Kari you have a good heart that’s why your hurt, there’s nothing wrong with saying no.
Stick to your plan girl! They will get there over it.
This was hard to listen to - so much interrupting. Caller needed to let the hosts speak.
For a long time, I struggled, hard. I never asked my family for anything. I just kept going. 25 years later, I am now doing well, I'm getting there. Guess who is coming around with their hands open? No guilt over here. I worked hard to be prosperous, no thanks to any support or encouragement from them. I don't hold back, for myself and I don't feel guilty.
If you look at what you wrote you will see how arrogant and prideful you sound. Who gave you the mind, determination, and ability to succeed? Who allowed protection from physical, emotional, and financial financial harm? God did. Ever hear the saying, but there for the grace of God go I? There's a Christian movie with a character in it that reminds me of you. It's called The Encounter.
@@swlancaster1964 Yeah. No sky dude helped me but thanks for trying to judge me.
@@swlancaster1964how dare you sit in judgement?
Outside of emergencies (medical and other) that few can properly plan for, loving parents do NOT put their adult children in this position. I can say this from both sides as a son and a parent.
I would not appreciate if my parents put me in this position due to their failure to properly plan for old age AND I would not put my kid in this position due to my failure to properly plan for old age. I AM PROPERLY PLANNING FOR OLD AGE!!
Sometimes I have gotten criticized from the comment section because of the above. See some believe it is my duty to take care of adults, yet they fail to acknowledge that (outside of an emergency) I do NOT expect anyone to take care of me due to my poor planning.
The whole expectation of kids to take care of their parents has never made sense to me. My mother never helped her own father yet I was her sole retirement plan lol. I haven’t spoken to her for 2 years.
Everyone needs to figure out their own sh*t period. I don’t have kids and am certainly not willing to end up on the street in my own retirement because I gave everything to my mother (my father passed a while back..never expected anything from us).
Side note, she’s fine. She has never been single and her latest scam is to date older men and hope that they pass before her. The last one did and left her more than she deserved and she was shacked up with another (this one even older than the last) no more than 6 months later. Oh well, not my problem at least.
@@supernova11711 While I agree with you, with all due respect, you sound like you have issues outside of simply money with your mother. The one thing I implore you to think about, don't hate all women just because you have issues with your mother. I say that as FATHER to a daughter. There are good and bad women just as there are good and bad men.
@ Lol I am a woman myself. It makes me laugh that everyone on the internet automatically assumes everyone else is a man (and American haha). No, I don’t hate anyone because of my mother.
And yes, to say I have issues with my mother was made pretty obvious by my statement (she has NPD) but I still feel that what I said stands. If kids have the means to and want to help their parents then that’s wonderful. Especially when said parents deserve it. Nobody should EXPECT it though, that’s all I’m saying. Nobody should have kids because they expect to gain financially from doing so.
@@supernova11711
I agree with you 💯💯💯💯!!
I have the same situation with my parents. They see their kids as retirement plans. My older sister has the same mentality as my parents. My older sister has never taken care of my parents but she expects her one and only son to be her retirement plan when she's old and unable to work.
I hate people who have a mentality like this. It's selfish and narcissistic. They don't do anything for anybody but expect others to do it for them.
@@terriesmith2616 That’s exactly true! Luckily, their delusions aren’t our problem. We can choose not to partake in their fantasy world 😊
Gotta properly plan for old age, and it is on you if you don't.
My dad is a boomer, I am Gex X and my kid is Gen Z. I talk to my dad several times a week. We talk about family, world events, politics, entertainment, anything.
And as I get older the only thing I want from my kid when I reach my 70s and beyond is a little of her time. Give me a call and shoot the breeze for a little. We'll take a walk, go to the movies, whatever.
But what I DON'T want is her money because I am properly planning for old age!
How it should be and if you have a little bit to spare I’m sure that will end up in her pockets right?? Cause that’s my goal exactly. Can’t die and take all your money with you, I mean technically, cash you can 😂 but let’s not be greedy like these parents out here, wanting their kids to be their retirement plan 🤦♂️
And life happens and ruins our plans. Pride goes before a fall.
@@swlancaster1964 Yet that is no excuse for not planning. Are you defending not planning for old age and retirement? Hmmm
Sadly, there are a lot of old people in their 90s who refuse to make plans. They’ve convinced themselves that they’re just going to drop dead on the sidewalk because they do not ever want to go into a nursing home. They believe if they don’t make plans then they’ll never end up Where they don’t wanna go. It makes no sense, but I see it all the time in Florida.
The issue is not: whether or not you have the money, or that you have 2 kids, etc., etc. Even if they had the money, they didn’t want to wash it down the drain. Mom needs to pack her bags to move in! Ppl’s mistakes will never be my emergencies.
Why if this woman is calling for help, why does she not listen for the help. She just keeps talking, LISTEN!
yeah that's quiet annoying.
You are right, but….
She needs someone to listen to her… she _needs_ to tell her story ….
….because she feels guilty and she’s being made to feel guilty by her sisters.
I hope she did indeed listen and make the right choices.
I think she is listening, even though there's a lot tumbling out of her. She's reacting to finding that John is listening to her.
There is an old saying which goes, The Family You Create, Is More Important, Than The Family You Come From..
If you don't make plans for your own income, there are plenty of people out there, including family, that think they are entitled to make it for you. This not only pertains to your money, but also, your time.
We can learn from mom's poor choices in men: "always trying to get on disability, never wanted to hold down a job..." ladies, DO NOT choose that guy. No matter how smooth he talks or how "exiting" he is. This situation would never have happened.
I would choose that guy to be exiting my life.
Saying no the first time is the hardest, the most important part is the first time you say no just say no.
“Hey, can I borrow $500 until next month?”
Response, “no.”
No is a complete sentence, often times the guilt is there because we giving them an excuse that not completely true versus just saying no.
Yess that's why ur mom gave birth to you just to say no fucker take care of ur mom and dad when they get old cuz they make u capable of living in this world.
My reply is usually "try a bank or a payday loan first." It's a win-win. If they loan them the money, problem solved. If they don't get the loan, I get to say "if they see you as a poor risk, why should I see you as a good one?"
Why can’t she move to public housing? Get her on the list. Some places in the US are not bad. Some places are terrible.
Public housing by me in PA, only for elderly and low income, is very nice, new too!
If mom has no mental issues, she's an adult. SHE made/helped make the decisions as an adult. Let HER deal with the results. And tell your sister(s) to piss off.
That's what Jesus would say I am sure. NOT!
@swlancaster1964 I'm not Jesus...
I agree.
Don't make your problems my problems.
@FindfreedomInChrist-yb7ns I still stand by MY answer...
My 2 Cents after dealing with a hard headed mother is sometimes you have to be the parent and put your foot down. You tell them how it’s going to go..Rent a Uhaul. Pack up mom’s stuff in it. 1) Ask mom to get in the car. 2) Tell mom to get in the car. 3) put her in the car.
Drive away. Shut off the utilities and let the bank have the house. The end.
Now if you are unwilling to force mom in the vehicle still drive off. Don’t answer any of her calls for 24 hours and tell the rest of the siblings not to either. Go back the next day and mom will be running to hop in the car.
JFC! Stop talking all the time. You made the call to ask them, let them answer.
80 years old Mom should just live with 60 year old son.
Son doesn't want mom.
Son isn't feeling any guilt I guarantee it
@@robertkrumm2470If all of my siblings were helping our 80 yo mom except me I would feel bad about doing nothing. He could at least cut the grass, do some repairs, something. After my granddaddy died, my mom and some of her siblings pitched in to help my grandma but some of my uncles did nothing even when they were asked. My granny asked my uncle to remodel her bathroom. He started and never finished. She asked him to clip the hedges. He butchered them to the point they never grew back lush. He said he intentionally did it that way so not to be asked again.
Since the 60 inherited a home, son should let mom live with him
Why should the son take care of mom? Mom should figure out how to get out of her own mess. First it was the husband that took care of business, now she wants her kids to step in? No way!
A parent should never lean on their kids for support. I’d live homeless in the bush before I’d be a burden to my kids.
No. If parents have a legitimate need and children are able to help, then they should. And children shouldn't see it as a "burden," but as loving and honoring one's parents.
Gotta stand strong Carrie❤. You owe your personal family responsibility
Family will emotionally financially ruin you trust me, love them from a distance
SELL THE MOM!
🤣🤣
She's on the block for cheap!
This is how you call into a show. Straight to the point.
That part
Too bad that Mom wants to stay in her house. She can’t. The callers moral obligation is her husband and their family. Anyone that thinks she should help can help mom themselves.
My grandmother was like that. She wanted one of us to uproot our own families, leave our BIGGER houses, where she could have comfortably moved in to, and move into her much smaller house. These people are extremely selfish.
Her kids should not be burdened with the mistakes of the continual bad decisions of their mother. Mom is old enough to figure things out for herself, and the children should not be going to their siblings to “get her dug out of that hole”.
Mom has no mortgage and brings in 1400 per month from SS. Why would she need 350 x3 from her kids? Kari should stop gossiping and speak with her mother directly.
Reversed mortgage means she borrowed money on any equity her home had and started paying a payment again.
@@John-du2mq You don't owe anything on a reverse mortgage.
@@jimmymcgill6778depends on terms. If it was step dads house and he took the mortgage she may have to pay to stay in it
A reverse mortgage is selling your house and still living in it while getting paid (either a lump sum or monthly payments).
Whether you get the full value of the property or not, when you die, your heirs might
have the opportunity to buy that mortgage from the holder or surrender the house. It's a stupid thing to do.
@@John-du2mqI think you may be confusing a “reverse mortgage”, Home Equity Conversion Mortgage (HECM) with a Home Equity Loan (HEL) or “second mortgage”, where you borrow against the equity in your home.
I would really like to hear Dave's advice on this.
Rachel started to - get hard numbers
I disagree that the caller should "get the numbers" to feel better. If I understood correctly, the mom has the option to move in with them. That's a very substantial offer of help. Pay to support mom in her home that is falling apart? Not an option. Doesn't matter what the numbers are. Mom sounds kind of passive aggressive.
Daughters are her flying monkies.
It would be beneficial to know the numbers on the reverse mortgage in case there was some left for her mother to spend on her own bills or whether the bank is going to boot her out shortly
My rule for taking care of disabled people for 25 years was this. " DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR SOMEONE....... THAT THEY CAN DO FOR THEMSELVES." Your cheating someone when you hoover them and solve their problems that they need to struggle and solve. Before you pay for mom then she needs to look explore all kinds of other options options. You may only need to make a small adjustment.
This is one of those old school woman (the mother) who has always counted on someone to take care of her. And it looks like the daughters have taken over that role. This woman will never be able to take care of herself…and doesn’t look like she will have to
lifetime of bad financial decisions generally leads to being old and having to be taken care of. dont expect your kids to take care of you, make good decisions.
Don't let your mom take from your kids. She made her choices. Don't let any of them guilt you.
💯 that's exactly what she's doing: taking food right out of the mouths of her grandkids. Maybe not intentionally, but the effect is the same.
@@CatWhiskeringwell said. My MiL leeched off us for decades to the point we had to delay having children. She has sucked so much from us. Finally my husband called a halt to it in 2018 so our kids could go to college and we could retire.
What was her reaction??
@@oldbuzzard8536 she was not very happy about it but when he stated all the facts she really couldn’t argue much. When our kids were little we offered to buy a place with a separate mother in law suite. I found a really nice one. It would have meant she had to put the kids on the school bus in the morning and escort them home after school though once they were school age. She refused the offer of free room and board. So we stayed in our current home and shelled out tons of money of child care when they were little. We both kept working but I could only work 32 hours a week when they hit school age in order to do drop off and pick up (current house had no bus service ). Fast forward to my much younger SiL having kids and MiL moves in with them. She pays rent and utilities! And watches their four kids full time. They do not pay her. My husband told his sister you are getting the benefits of free child care. If she needs anything it’s now up to you to pay for it. My MiL has a gambling problem and there is none where we live. My SiL lives with lots of casinos so MiL was happy to move there.
@@CatWhiskeringjust an excuse to justify not helping
My grandma didn’t want to leave New York but her health was failing and we weren’t moving to NY…so we told her to either move to Florida or will die in her house in NY with no one around
One option is for the mom to rent out room(s) and get a roommate or two
Money for a reverse mortgage..NO!
What is reverse mortgage?
You do realize this has nothing to do with the reverse mortgage, right? If she had no mortgage, those utilities and property taxes would still need paid.
Kari’s mother lived it up for 80 years, taking no responsibilities, and now she doesn’t want any accountability. That’s not a “nice, sweet lady” - that’s a manipulator. 80 years old? She spent 62 years planning for her reality - don’t bet he one to take it away from her. She earned it.
Bloody hell….bit harsh? She comes from a different time when women were housewives and took care of their husbands and husbands took care of finances……. You don’t know her situation and that was just a nasty thing to say. And just because her husband took care of the finances doesn’t mean that she didn’t have any responsibilities….. No need to be so judgemental and nasty in your comments.
@@tchilds1077 LOL, tell me you aren’t grasping generations without telling me aren’t grasping generations. You did it 🥳. No, the generation you are thinking of is BEFORE this woman. My grandmother’s generation. This woman’s generation is my mother’s generation and they worked too, and every when they were SAHM’s when they had kids in the home, they worked before and after kids. Think the likes of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton. You need to have a full grasp on generations, because you are all kinds of confused.
“Left her nothing” is such an interesting phrase.
Mom needs to sell the house and move into something smaller. She doesn't like it? Too bad, she can't afford it.
it's a reverse mortgage, they said that a dozen times.
@@UncleDavesKitchen So what? A reverse mortgage typically can't exceed 30% of the equity.
@@alanj9978there is no value there. They are saying that.
It's falling apart according to the daughter. The mortgage folks will plaster repairs cheap and sell it for a mint.
It might be worth checking to see if you County, State has Offices for the Aging. It could be a resource for advice, counseling or available resources for this kind of situation.
She has no house payment and she is 80. While $1,300 a month is not a large amount of money, what exactly are the mother's bills?
She is not paying any income tax, and would qualify for Medicaid, so no medical payments. The house doesn't sound like it is going to have a large property tax bill either.
I don't understand why her expenses are so high to ask for $350 a month from this daughter, how much are other family members contributing? She mentioned credit card debt - is that being paid down? Depending on where she lives the house could still have value even in rough condition and reverse mortgage. Hats off to this woman for rocking the boat, that's hard!!
No medical bills because of a government plan? Thats not hot that works.
Reverse mortgage.
@@John-du2mq That have nothing to do with anything. You don't pay a mortgage or rent.
Um do you guys even have a clue about actual finances? The reverse mortgage shuold have given her some money but her financial issues are probably the following. She probably does not qualify for Medicaid as 16K from social and having a house disqualifies her. She probably is paying for medicare which is like 300 a month. Taxes on her house as well as insurance probably run her around 600 a month. Utilities etc are probably another 200 a month. Then there is food, so for 200 a month that is her money used every month. 200 a month for food is doable if you just make your own atuff and don't go out etc.
If her husband received more than your mother, she can claim his social security amount.
That woman would drive me nuts. Competitive talker and super emotional.
She's in pain and on the radio. Give her a break
@marianmorgan2156 I have sympathy. But being a competitive talker is a problem. It's correlated to deeper issues. Not 100% but a concern.
I outlived all my family, including children. It was so awful at the time but I must say, in general, it's so nice to not have family jerking my chain with their opinions about my life decisions.
This show shows us that finances are usually emotions and family drama, not straight finances. My husband and I don't talk to our families because they are about BS like the stories on here and Reddit cringe.
My gf back in 1980 told me her mom was a financial genius. I was 20 so I had no clue. We got married we had a kid and got divorced and now our son is 35. I asked him how his grandma is doing? He said she’s so broke almost bankrupt. I was so shocked. She has 4 kids and they all have to give her money each month.
She got a huge second mortgage. $2500. A month.
And her SS is about $2500.
It’s a mess.
When’s John going to start selling “choose guilt over resentment” t shirts
I'm glad you made this video it reminds me of my transformation from a nobody to good home, $34k monthly and a good daughter full of love
wow this awesome I'm 47 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Thanks to Mrs. Elizabeth Regina Nelsen's time in my life, which had a profound impact on me.
Oh, please! How can I reach her services? Your help would mean a lot to me!
@@PatrickFogarty-de9dq+131✅
@@PatrickFogarty-de9dq5361✅
Women that turn their tears on and off instantly freak me out.
It is something that you really can't control actually. Every time you get mad or sad/emotional, it just comes on. There is NOTHING that you can do about it. If you don't experience this, than consider yourself lucky because it is frustrating as fuck.