The rage my dad would enter over things as minor as crumbs on the bench, or if I left my jacket at soccer practice, or if I was five minutes late are things that are lodged deep within me. And then he wonders today why we're not close and our relationship is strained and empty.
I low key relate to how you're feeling. Parents can really be the worst to their kids and then act baffled that their kids don't want to be close to them as if it's supposed to happen. It's deplorable
He's one of those people that dont think 5 seconds ahead, mine was very similar to yours Even if you would explain it to him in utmost detail, he quite literally wouldnt comprehend it, i tried and he was looking at me like a confused child. it was such a bizzare experience
@NakedAvanger That's happened to me too with my stepdad. I explained that he was in the wrong in a minor argument, and he just looked at me like I was slowly turning evil. Like he couldn't fathom that he's not always in the right. It's unsettling
This made me cry. After so many years of this, I can't even begin to fathom the impact it must have had. Peace to all of you who have survived the same.
I thought the same thing- it really opened my eyes to see the impact of hearing just a short exchange like that where the aggression wasn’t even targeted at the boy. I wanted to hug him and it was so validating to think what some of us survive. It’s amazing we’ve gotten so far ❤
My mom got angry at me a lot whenever I didn’t do things as what she wanted or simply when she had a long day at work (which almost everyday as I remember). She hit me a lot, too, and that was totally normal and acceptable at where we lived (a small country in Asia) at that time. I carried the shame and the pain with me for my whole life, into my dreams even when I have moved across the globe to stay away from her. I don’t hate her, now as an adult I have sympathy for my mom at her young age. However I cannot change my past, I cannot change my mom, and I have to be away from her to protect myself. I just can’t do anything, can’t learn anything, can’t grow if I live close to her!
Goodness… the look of survival in his eyes… of course a child cannot play (even less learn something) if there’s a threat nearby… this explains a lot for me. My mother would never be violent with me but she was fighting and yelling all the time with my father and other people. Like this child, I was always in alert mode
Exactly my case just the opposite my father used to shout in family and have bad relations with outsiders in a way i developed constant alert mode and fear of a fight happening
Just because they were never violent doesnt mean it cant do trauma, that was one of the nastiest lies my mother told me and it set my emotional maturity back like a decade.
My husband is never violent but he does he shout at me sometimes. Our kids hate it, and I feel terrible for him. I don't care if he wants to shout at me, I just wish he wouldn't do it around them.
I was raised with a rageaholic in my house. He occasionally beat me but mostly he beat my mother. I remember in my bed listening to it and feeling so helpless. Later I became angry at my mother for allowing it. I eventually stood up to him and refused to be beaten down, refused to submit. They threw me out of the house at 16 and I lived on the streets. All the bad things that happened to kids on the street happened to me. I survived it but it shaped who I am.
I went through similar and I often feel like I'm the only one on earth this stuff happened to even though I know better. I'm sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope you're doing well.
@@richardspillers6282I have had a relatively happy life since then, lots of loving relationships and people like you who also had bad childhoods. I hope the same is true for you.
..? Study is literally on developing children. It def is too late. Didn't realize or adjust when it mattered. The only way it wouldn't be too late is if the child is still really young.
Subconscious mind is programmed in early development. Major percentage of adult behavior comes from this “pre-programmed” subconscious mind. Grow up, forgive your parents, forgive everybody, let it all go, do your inner work, rewire your subconscious mind, learn to love yourself. You can only love others to the degree you love yourself. Oh, and never, never, never yell at anybody, especially children. Love is the answer. No Fear, Be Kind, Love All…
One of my first memories, if not THE first memory, is of my parents yelling at each other. I can even remember a phrase that was shouted. This happened throughout my childhood. When I was very young I would cry and plead with them to stop because it was so very distressing. I finally just learned to hide in my room.
Huh. I don't remember a single instance of trying to negotiate with my parents like that when they were shouting. It's rather strange now that I think about it. I just went straight to the "hide" phase from the get-go. Sorry to read yet another case of the same problem -- it's far too ubiquitous. I hope you don't feel the need to hide anymore.
I did the same. Too much yelling between my parents and my brother. I went to my room and hid. I used to wear headphones and blare music to drown out the screaming. My hearing is damaged now as an adult. This was not a fun way to grow up! To hear about others who tried to cope in the same way is heartbreaking. We missed out on so much living by making ourselves invisible. The parents never thought to not yell or not yell around the children. It shows you how little they regarded their family and ultimately how little they cared for themselves.
Same I have early memories of them fighting late at night and I would wake up from it. I'd have to go to the bathroom so badly but was afraid to leave my room. I remember waiting at my door for what seemed like hours for it to die down so I could sneak to the bathroom
It seemed like tried to wait and hide their frustrations from you. Seems like they did their best to protect you rather than doing it in your face. That was their adult time, to deal with their issues. Curious, did they stay together?
This was my parents. They would get extremely crazy angry. Unfortunately, my parents aren’t smart people and made bad decisions…. Yes, it was impactful
Yeah, the worst part is it feels like you make one wrong move, and you're dead. I think the problem is lack of attention, not intelligence. If they actually looked at the abject horror they inflict on their child's face the way we clearly saw in this video, I think most parents would come to their senses pretty quickly.
You do not need to be smart. You can know all about child psychology and still do what you yourself experienced as a child. The other way around emotional healthy people don't need to be smart or educated.
@@irecruitfish7410You are doing your best so don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. I think you're on the right path just stick to it, I believe in you and please have a great week!
So this is why I was so passive and disinterested in everything from a young age! My parents also discouraged all the subjects I liked in school the most. And all extracurricular activities were either too dangerous or too expensive.
The baby’s expression made me cry. It reminded me of my entire childhood. I lived in constant fear of my father as he would often and randomly explode at me, resulting in beatings and emotional abuse.
The real life footage was moving, actually. I felt for that little child... but I know how valuable it is for all of us to watch the impact of these things in an experiment such as this. Bit my heart really went out to that little human there in the footage. 😢
2 minutes and I'm crying 😢 Not all parents deserve children, I know these are some people's daily lives. We can't say kids don't remember - experiences like this, especially when they're continuously exposed, become baked in. We do need to show ourselves immense compassion. Thank you for sharing this.
@@Munchausenification yes, but at least people should be aware of their maturity before raising any children, or else they will be raised in violence and who knows what that ends up like? I do, and I don't want it for others.
@@veltarden2419 two thirds of children aged 16 or younger has experienced trauma. That is not to say its "normal" or a good thing, but it shows how we can overcome obstacles and something we should teach kids. Fortunately, most kids overcome their trauma to such a degree that they can function and function well. Being aware of the impact of i.e. anger is better (my opinion) than trying to avoid it. But that leads back to the original comment, as a parent you do need to be very psychologically mature.
@@Munchausenification Yes you need to be mature to be a parent. Being mature is not about never being angry, it's about taking accountability, going to your child to actually apologize to them for erring with them by showing your anger in front of them. Explaining that people get angry, but it doesn't mean you don't love your child. And promising to control yourself and do better (and actually doing it, not making an empty promise).
I relate to that so much. I freeze and cannot think rationally and this makes me feel powerless. My therapist pointed out that I've normalised aggressive behaviour as if it's the expected and normal occurrence.
Currently working on curbing the ‘flight or fight’ of either needing to “distance” or ‘steel’ myself against inevitable set in of paralysis, post adrenaline rush of seemingly uncontrollable sense of having to be ready to defend, in the event there may be no ‘clean’ exit from hostile, angry energy. Grounding exercises have been tremendously helpful in keeping present 😌
It use to put me in one but I learned martial arts and that seemed to have helped me learn emotional control. Now someone raises their voice like that and I either want to show them how unserious it is to piss them off further or I'll clap back at them. As a kid I always wanted to speak up but never had the confidence I do now and damn does that feel AMAZING
I just had to tell a gal who was going off shrill about her bill paying options “ Please stop! We can’t solve that for you right now so let’s just not talk about it please. It was my Sunday afternoon and she was escalating the conversation to a ridiculous pitch. Bringing everyone down. So I nipped it.
May repeat it self under the pseudo care of a sick therapist that destroy you to make money, never to help you heal the original trauma, but create a additional one.
the problem is realization. the vast majority of parents don't even REALIZE they are doing this. they'll watch this video without realizing they're who the video is about.
You nailed it. A complete lack of self-awareness is one of the few qualities that I find almost impossible to tolerate in someone. Conversely, a person rich in it has my abiding respect.
@@Curiousinternetperaon no.. they're right. my parents care about me ALOT but they dont know how somethings can impact kids! how could they, their parents were FAR worse! ik my mother and father and ik my frnds parents and ik other parents, they all care about their kids but are oblivious to stuff like this! its not that hard to understand uk-
I'm guilty of bad moods around the kids and this hurts. I feel like I'm repeating the cycle of my own childhood in this regard. This has hit a sore point for me personally. I'm not patient and can flip pretty intensely between moods too... not sure how to move forward after seeing this.
Maybe you are now ready to confront your own painful past and heal from it. Professional counseling could be an option. It helped me as well after a burn out
In my life's journey, there wasn't adequate professional help available. My best case scenario was try on a bunch of doctors who don't know a thing about autism, ADHD or anything related to deep and continuous childhood trauma. If I cannot pin point one specific memory this doctors were LOST. I felt treated like a cartoon. I hope you can get help from professionals, and/or books, podcasts, or groups. And if you don't, please don't loose hope, bc there's a huge amount of people doing their healing journey on their own (like me). It can be done. Love and help can be found in many forms and places ❤
My mother screams at everything. Everything. She's been doing it for 70+ years and will probably be screaming in her grave. I cannot handle loud noises or raised voices. I have so much anger inside me from a lifetime of abuse and neglect that I don't feel anything else. I'm exhausted and tired of this unrelenting anger that smothers me. This is the impact of anger on young children -- they become angry too.
"Probably screaming in her grave". Reminds me of that scene in 6th Sense, when the mom-ghost freaks out in the kitchen. Scariest f--kin' jump-scare I've ever had! Reminded me of dear old Ma....
Big big hug to you. I hope that you that none of it was your fault or responsibility. Try to heal for your own sake primarily. And what I've learned: my parents are not who I am and I am not my parents. You can choose a better path for yourself❤
I distanced myself physically and mentally from my mother long time ago. I cannot bear the control, manipulation, negativity and selfish attitude that she brings up around her everywhere. She was verbally and emotional abusive and dominant, always angry and unhappy with everyone, especially with my father, she blamed him for everything. That impact my self steem and the way I behave and think. I try to break free from that but it is extremely difficult even with my psychologist help.
I feel you. I was able to self-heal from this vicious cycle since chilhood. But one slip just opens the flood gates of painful memories once again. Its just awful.
This is real. And yet so many will say you are weak, melodramatic, or overly sensitive, and you should just grow up. Don't listen to them! They're probably the same people who have treated their own family this way, but they can't admit fault.
Not “may last a lifetime”, but “will”. Especially if it is recurrent and inescapable. My dad is an anxious person, and frequently displaced his anger at my mum and I over trivial things. I was that boy 24/7 until I left home to move to a different country. Without any safe adult to rely on for guidance and support, it seems to take a gargantuan effort to do some things that others take for granted and do with relative ease.
two thirds of kids aged 16 or less has experienced trauma in some way. Most people find ways out of it without much effort and others are so deeply traumatised they need professionel help. It is extremely hard to determine whether or not it has serious lasting effect, especially since its obviously taboo to let large groups of kids get exposed to such negative experiences that MIGHT give trauma for life. Then again, we clearly see in the this particular experiment that the quite short experience/observation of anger nearby by the child and specifically on the "toy" and therefore the boy is scared out of playing with it. The thing that strikes me the most, is how observant the child is and how big of an impact - in this case emotions, has on a child's ability to interact with the world. It completely shots down the potential to play with the toy and the child is frozen. Although I bet some kids would either be brave/daring and try to play with it, some would turn to their mom and again others would probably also direct anger towards the toy.
For me, becoming competent in basic everyday stuff to be mostly self-reliant and also having good friends were good first steps. Also getting enough sun light and movement helps a lot. Psychological education and meditation practice are helpful, too. But for me just sunlight and movement is easier to access on bad days.
My mother was and still a narcissist. She used to shout her lungs out at simple mistakes all during my childhood......destroyed by self-esteem and what not. Now I constantly live with anxiety. I was on pills for 3 years. I forgive her(nothing else we can do). She doesn't know what she was doing back then. But I don't know how to pull myself out of this mess.
I feel for you. My mother wouldn't get often angry but when she would, she would shout and not listen at all. Last time she did this (when I was still living at home, as an adult) I broke down crying and couldn't stop. What helped me quite a bit was reading the book Running on Empty by Jonice Webb.
Having had a similar experience I have recently discovered that trying to "open my heart" to all the emotions that come in and just experience them without thinking about them too much helps. For example I feel anxious about doing anything that might seem weird in public (even though it's something not so weird like suddenly stopping to stare at a tree), I try to feel the entirety of my anxiety and let it pass through me without getting attached to it. I think that getting too caught up with the fact that we're anxious is slowing progress down a lot. Practicing to accept the feeling when it arises seems in my case to allow me to do more and feel less of it over time
Ow that is rough. You didn't deserve any of that and it isn't your fault. Did you take therapy in order to get yourself out of this mess? Or only pills? I had a friend in a similar situation and she distanced herself from her mother and took therapy. It helped a lot and years later, she confirmed that it was the right choice for her. Wish you all the best!
@@askovicthe hmm you are talking much in line with Vipassana meditation. I am practicing it from past 4 years... still trying this "non attachment" thing...haven't mastered it yet
Yh the fact that some people can’t control themselves around kids they don’t realise how much it affects them in adulthood, u have to undo everything they taught u and rebuild your confidence and self esteem and the worst is when they still do in the present day and u have to emotionally become numb to stop letting it affect u
I know this is an experiment and all but just seeing the expression in the kids eyes made me almost tear up i just want to comfort him and tell him that everything is ok and that he can continue playing with the lady
@@jackdeniston6150well 90%+ of public school teachers are women who are literally RUNNING AS FAST AS THEY CAN to get away from both having their own kids OR having a real job 😂😂😂😂😂 🤷🏿♂️ so at best theyd be handing out worksheets that they themselves would fail at 😂😂😂😂😂😂 think about this, it’s obvious
From a small kid to I'd say about 29 or 30 years old I always thought my dad hated me because of the things he would say about and to me but when my dad got sick he started being so nice to me over and beyond nice to me that felt so good to me for the first time in my life I finally felt loved and accepted by my dad and then about 6 months later my dad passed away but the day before he passed I could tell he barely had enough strength and breath in his body but he said it "I love you" all I did was cry then the next day he was dead he passed the same month as my birthday I forgive my dad for all the sadness hurt pain even physical pain and all the anger and evil and negativity he brought to my life
Forgiving someone, even the ones who don't "deserve it", is the most loving and courageous thing a person can do particularly if that person was traumatized.
Forgiving is an important step. Otherwise, you never find peace. So glad to hear you managed to get the courage to do it and also that your dad apologised to you in his own way.
Thanks for sharing this! As a developmental psychologist, I wish more people learn about this type of studies and watch the videos, so that they know how much can be improved in parenting and public education.
If you find yourself in a relationship where one of the parents shouts, what would you suggest? I feel hopeless and stuck, because divorce seems to be even worse on the kids, staying in the relationship and not retaliating is terrible, but retaliating means promoting the shouting.
We witnessed our parents disagree, fight, negotiate, then make up. Understanding this cycle gave us comfort knowing that no matter the argument was, there's always a beginning, a middle, and an end. Even though my dad had anger issues and would explode at the slightest irritation, I feel that seeing it was better than shielding us from the realities of life. Some people are crazy, but you can handle it.
as someone who is learning how to stop bursts of anger at the slightest irritation because of the environment I was raised in, it’s most definitely not the reality of the world. it is not normal to yell, stomp, and say hurtful things when you can’t find a remote in the blankets or someone spills something, or whatever else it may be. it’s okay to feel irritated and get angry, as that’s part of life, but most people do not completely explode. and if you do, you are the one responsible for learning to breathe through emotions and figure the situation out, not just say that that’s reality
@@novalynn2837you only have one life, you are one small life form on a ball spinning in space in an infinite galaxy. You need to get some perspective first. My Japanese friend always said, if there is a problem, then there is a solution. No emotional involvement required. These types of things helped me. Solve problems, don’t be emotional about them
@@novalynn2837 He didn't say that it is *normal* for people to act that way, he said that *some* people act that way. Which *IS* reality. There are always going to be some people who are "crazy" in some way, and it is critical that people develop an ability to deal with that by the time they become adults. It's good that his parents provided that ability to him, even if they had to use their own faults to do so.
Seeing this baby really hit home for me. I was the youngest of 3 and my father beat my brother and sister when I was that age. Then it was me too. I’ve been affected my whole life and the scars are deep. Depression is something I battle and I’m in my 60s. I’m starting to connect all the dots of my childhood. When my father died I didn’t shed one tear. That’s when I knew there was really no connection with him at all. ☹️
This video was a difficult watch on 2 levels for me, on one hand my inner child who survived seriously abusive behaviours and the other, my 2 kids who have the result as a mother. I'm trying so hard to break the cycle, I gave into frustration yesterday and had to set my baby down and go upstairs to cry and cool off my kids were cared for by my husband in that time, they weren't alone. When I came back I apologised to them both and my husband and took responsibility and triedntonexplain why I felt frustrated, the guilt is crushing😢 every day I strive be better for my children so they don't have my life of anywhere near it xx
My parents, to this day, scream and shout at each other for the slightest things going missing or misplaced. I expressed my disgust at that and made sure they behave when my children are around, but i hate people that lose their cool with passion.
I always had to keep an eye on my son when visiting my parents to intervene in case they started treating him the way they treated me. I decided this year that my parents place is simply not a safe place for my child and stopped visiting. This shit ends with me!
Aw that brought tears to my eyes. I've long been working to shake off bad habits like raising my voice, and even yelling. This helped drive home the point of the deep psychological impact my sometimes short-temperedness is perpetuating. I don't want to just reconcile after and apologize / love on my kiddos, I want to do better in the first place. Still lots of growing to do!
I'm seeing so much of me in that emoter right now. I'm going through PPD and raging over nothing on my poor, loving husband and my poor, sweet children. I spoke with the pediatrician on friday and we are now working on it together but it doesn't seem fast enough. My poor babies. 😢 I don't even recognize myself I can't imagine how they feel 🥺 videos like this are so helpful. People need to know. So there is at least an opportunity for correction.
All it takes is one good look at that kid's face to recognize how terrible this is. And then you realize this is everywhere, because parents never glance in their kid's direction when they're throwing a tantrum. It's truly depressing to think about.
It's because it's just a wee kid, and it's not their fault that they respond to someone else's anger in that way. They're scared. And you realise: I was that kid, and it's not my fault either.
We lost our farm when i was around 2 years old, and as my Dad was driving our remaining possessions to the city, the truck burnt down. When we arrived in the city, he ended up working as a Prison Officer at the states top maximum security prison. There was probably a pre-existing tendency towards violence and anger in the family anyway, but these events exacerbated it I'm sure. At 38 I am still struggling to find every day happiness and confidence in my life thanks to the way I was treated as a kid. I make no excuses and I accept responsibility for my own life (tbh I am quite successful but I would trade it all to be able to be poor and happy). But i can confirm that this anger distorted a sensitive heart and mind. Take serious note.
I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive household. I am now 33 years old and I suffer from depression, anxiety, insecurity, feeling lonely and like I don’t belong, feeling like nobody likes me… a lot of my feelings come from my childhood trauma.
Same. I’m in my forties and still think everyone hates me or is a threat in some way… I do not know how to relate to normal people. When everyone is out to get you, the world is a lonely place.
@@Lucy-iw1xf I needed context though. It could have been a childhood trauma, triggered by this video, that made her cry hence why I asked instead of assuming.
I am so grateful for resources like this. My two year old was increasing in difficult behaviours and we were becoming increasingly frustrated at him (mainly because we just didn't understand why he was doing it). Resources like have taught us the importance of respond firmly but calmly and gently. Honestly within a month his behaviours have changed so much.
i came here to understand my dad more.. im just 18 yo girl and till i was 15 or so, i used to think that my dad had smth wrong wd him and he was bad and he would get angry so easily and i would villainize him alot. i grew up wd him getting upset so easily that now it is a scar but i got to know that my dad isnt even half as bad as his dad was to him. from abuse, to no expression of love, to treating him like a retirement plan, my dad grew up in one of the most toxic families! i want to learn more about it, to see if i can help my dad becz my dad aint a bad person! he just never got help the way he needed and he's oblivious that he needs that help! looking at this, i couldnt helo but cry. i cant imagine all the pain my dad went thru with a horrible father and a horrible environment!
I understand your wish to better your dad. I had a very similar experience. I am in my 30s now. Be careful wishing to change people. There are people that do not want to change no matter the consequences. I tried for nearly 20 years to better the situation. But there was no change at all, no signs of understanding, remorse or trying to improve. I held onto the idea that I could mend this for far too long. I endured way too much emotional pain because of that. I was depressed for the most part of the first 30 years of my life. I cannot recommend having too much patience with people that are hurting you and refusing to be accountable for their deeds and refusing to change hurtful behavior. I really hope your situation is different. Best of luck!
@@hanswoast7 i hope so too! people refusing to change starts to become more evident the older they grow, so if he doesnt change or reduces it, i'll prolly just draw a line and let him know. I really want to believe that he'll at least try because as far as I've seen, he stresses out easily, gets anxious, defensive even on little things and it just shows all the trauma deep rooted in him. my mother actually told me that he changed ALOT from the beginning of their marriage, according to her his rage used to be way worse and would last longer but ever since, i was born, the fatherly love slowly, prolly, stepped in and then my sisters were born, so rn its its lowest (which is still high for average person) so i still wana hope, that even if he doesnt change, at least he'll listen and try his very best. I mean thats all the would matter to me! Also, I hope ur okay now! sometimes the best thing to do for urself and other, is just to distance urself, and I hope things become more happier for you!
I'm not surprised. My father was absent from my childhood except for brief visits before I was 5 but he was an angry damaged, pathetic person, in fact my only real memory of him is him stamping on my toys when I didn't put them away immediately as ordered (I could scarcely have been 2 years old then).
@@braria9855 Absolutely the former. I began writing a long answer going into details why, which are varied and some personal, some not. But I have a nagging feeling that your question is a trap...
I have crippling social anxiety, especially related to anyone with any authority over me. Over the years I have managed to train my brain to remain calm and composed so I can do what I have to do and say things I need to say. However my body goes into full fight/flight mode, I get drenched in sweat, I'm flushed, I'm short of breath... Thanks mom&dad.
This is unfortunately very true. A child exposed to a lot of anger, not necessarily at him but around him, which he cannot understand, will find it hard to outgrow the emotional trauma. And the truth is even parents( and other family members )who are loving and supportive can also end up scarring a child if they are casual about showing normal anger in front of their children.
I'm 70 now and I grew up in a house where both parents screamed at me and occasionally hit me. I never got any positive feedback or love from any adult, just derision and mockery. III bullied my weaker brother mercilessly. lifetime of poor choices followed. Self medication with IV hard drugs, risky behavior on motorcycles, etc. I chased after impossible women (junkies, prostitutes, a porn actress, a crack whore, among others). who treated me like shit and mistreated the ones who really loved me and were nice to me. I was put off therapy because the shrink I was sent to when I was 17 was working for my abusive mother, or so I thought. Since I was taught to never express my feelings I never opened up to him. We just played Monopoly and he collected his fee. I remember what he said at the beginning of EVERY session. "How many brothers and sisters do you have." An ethical therapist would've recommended a colleague who could draw me out but he liked the money. And I needed help- I was miserable, terrified of girls cuz my mother repressed any indications of heterosexuality or masculinity. When I was 50 I finally had the big bike crash so Im a paraplegic in a nursing home. I made sure I never replicated lest I fuck up my offspring like my parents did to me. To my credit, I was kind to the children of my girlfriends and couldn't understand how someone could hit and verbally abuse any child let alone one's own. Many victims of abuse have handled it much better than I did. But even for these people, you never get over growing up feeling unloved, feeling that no place is safe, feeling unworthy of love.
Amazing how many personal issues Ive managed to trace back to this happening in childhood. Having experienced loud arguments nearly every day as a kid definitely left its mark that I can recognize looking back. Shouting and criticism led to being overly cautious and afraid of parental oversight. That in turn lead to secrecy, distrust, isolation. Then in school it meant not being part of groups, less social skills, less academic performance... all compounding into a mild depression. At one point I remember a teacher had a habit of randomly raising voice to maybe an absurd amount just to highlight important statements, but I remember how it left me nearly crying in class out of the intense emotions it caused. Looking back I dont think my parents were trying to hurt, but were probably unable or unwilling to learn better. Nowadays I recognize they have very limited self-reflection maybe bordering on narcissism. Talking to them now leads to either pushing responsibility on the other, or pretending like things like that never happened. What I want to say is that the effects can be unraveled and some semblance of functionality can be restored in your emotional life. For me it helped to look at them as examples of what not to do, realize I need to parent myself (so to say) rather keep expecting the impossible. I would ask myself, if I had a trusted parental figure, what would they tell me based on what I seen parents supposed to do in media or with other people. Actual parents became more like a warning of what can happen, if I become too self absorbed in my own unhappiness. Not perfect but it gave some semblance of happiness and guidance. For those of you suffering still, try to think of yourselves more like survivors who've adapted rather than damaged victims. The bad things like anxiety, solitude, problems in relationships and so on you might experience come from the adaptations you've made that allowed you to survive what people who didn't go through what you did wouldn't have been able to handle. The fact you're here is proof you can adapt to hardship. You only need to tap into that inner strength and you can adapt once more now to a less dangerous environment. Stay safe.
This video made me realize I still have this exact same reaction even now as an adult. Except, the anger rubs off on me and I want to impulsively react to it and defend myself. I guess that's just my brain trying to protect me. No wonder I feel so lonely even around my family.
Maybe she's protecting you from her anger. I did that when I got angry with my kid. Because I grew up with abuse, I didn't want my children to suffer like I did, if I got upset when they were little, I'd say "mommy needs a time out" and go in my room until I was calm. Not ideal, but at least I didn't rage in front of them. I wasn't perfect and I'd say this worked 99% of the time.
Umm ok so you can't do anything to explain to a kid it's not a good idea to throw toys around the room near the other baby? You ask nicely 10x, explain why it's bad, that it might hurt baby, and they ignore you and do it again (stubbornness or just resting limits) but according to you all now you can't raise your voice, can't act disappointed and quiet, what then? Looking at discussion like this as a parent of small kids, it's so lacking. People just coming here to vent at their own parents...
I can’t believe how many people get mad at the person they angered and feel so sorry for themselves they use it as an excuse decades later to not handle their business
This is why I left my ex when I found out I was pregnant. Life with him would have been a nightmare for all and it would have cause irreparable damage to my child. I has issues, for sure, and our life wasn't perfect but at least there was no anger and violence in the home. I thank God for that.
I didn’t want to watch this, but knew I had to. I’ve had some blow-ups over the years, only when I was mad at myself, but it doesn’t matter. Slamming doors and throwing things is scarring. Thankfully, I’d ask for forgiveness and vow to try harder. We even made some rules for if I just needed some time alone to breathe, or run, or do pushups. Getting physically exhausted as fast as possible helps drain my anger. Thank you for this video! I hope young parents to be see this, and they cling to it.
being 28 now and my id is the only thing showing im not the exact same depressed broken isolated petrified 16 year old i was when i first realized what happiness felt like. all the time i lost to trauma.. it tortures me with unlimited grief. i have so many dreams. i want to break free.
I grew up around anger and hostility directed at me on a daily basis. In my early 20's when I traveled Europe, I ended up coming home with more than half my spending money still in my account. I live in such a constant state of fear & worry that it stopped me from "letting loose" and really enjoying my travels. I'm even older now and struggle to really enjoy anything
Shows you are good with money. You know the value of everything but not the price. But sometimes, just sometimes you have to say "fuck it", I'm going to book that holiday in Sardinia, buy that car you've been looking at for a while. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. In fact the more i grow older, the less I care about what people might think of me. Just be yourself (without being rude and obnoxious to others, obviously)
This is what's happened to me. I'm still struggling with this paralysing fear decades later. Every-day life seems enormous and frightening and I'm in so much pain. I hope it will get better, because this is no way to live.
i struggle with anger issues constantly. i definitely see it has already affected my kids. most of my anger comes from low self worth, health issues, possibly genetics and learned behaviors from my parents and frustration with having zero family support or interest. ultimately i blame myself and am hard on myself because i always said i would be better than my father who was an angry person and left us when i was 5. i'm worse than him anger wise, but i'm still with my kids, still married, faithful. however, would my kids be better off without me i wonder.
The very fact that you question this is supremely helpful to you and your family. Well done. I lost my family but it's not too late for you. Keep at it.
My marriage failed in large measure due to our inability to handle our strong emotions. I’ve just won primary custody of my children and I observe the effects still in them. I’m working hard on correcting this as much as I can by staying in close awareness to my feelings before they become explosive. This is my shot at righting some of the wrong in my own past, and the wrongs my children have experienced at the hands of others.
Being a shortfused, yelling prone, neurotic parent, it hurts so much to watch this. Always knew, could never control, pushed into a spiral... Trying to do better, but I fear its too late.
This breaks my heart watching this. I was raised in constant fear of my mother. No father ever in my life. I still suffer mental issues that no one understands, not even my partner. It's difficult waking up some days.
My parents yelled at each other and/or me almost every day of my childhood. I would go to school and get into fights constantly. I developed anger issues I still have to manage to this day, and I'm fully convinced I'd be in prison for aggravated homicide if I didn't begin pacifying my rage with cannabis from the time I was 16.
That video was extremely difficult to watch. Thank goodness the anger wasn't directly toward that sweet baby, but the look of fear in their eyes was heartbreaking. Really interesting having the behavioral footage in the video.
My parents were gentle and kind, but my kindergarten teacher was an angry older lady, who shouted at every child so badly, she would sometimes spit. I cried every time my parents tried to drop me off there, my dad almost cried with me. "Thankfully" I was sick for the majority of the year, and since my mum was a stay-at-home mum back then, my parents decided it was not a safe evnvironment and never brought me back there, also because other kids bullied me. When I started therapy in my early twenties, my therapist told me that many of the issues I came with had started back in that kindergarten, almost twenty years earlier. So yeah. If you torture little children and then pretend you don't see when they're being hurt you should be banned from being a teacher or a parent. Forever.
My anxiety and cptsd and bpd gives me anger issues. I'm taking meds now. I got out of my abusive marriage. I hope it's not too late for my 2 and 4 year olds' mental health. I'm so grateful God answered my prayers and led me to meds, showed me mercy and grace where I deserved none. Thank you Father.
I get scared of the same, passing down the effects. Did medications help you not to rage at the kids? I’m so sorry for what you went through. It makes it so hard raising kids who are just being normal kids when they step on our every last nerve 🥴❤
@ec1222 thank you for your kind and understanding reply, it means more than I can express. Yes, the meds helped a lot, I think the anti-anxiety medication helped the most, and starting keto again actually. I take buspirone for anxiety, it really works well with my system. Keto helps because I think I'm just super sensitive to sugar crashes, and losing weight at the same time helps bring down inflammation, including in the brain, and keto helps me think so much more clearly. I take care of my gut microbiome with apple cider vinegar and fiber (chia seeds), and the antidepressant Sertraline (generic zoloft) works really well too. Also omega-3. This all contributed, and made a world of difference in controlling my anger. Sorry to ramble, but I thought maybe you'd like the references ❤️
To anyone that argues in front of their kids, don't let this make you feel like you're the worst parents. Console your children, let them knkw you're sorry for fighting or being off and teach them to navigate your emotions together.
Anger and rage/violent tempers are VERY different things. Anger is healthy and necessary and there's a correct way of feeling and expressing it: i.e. without violence, "I'm angry and I can handle it" versus "What the hell is wrong with you?". Rage and violence happen when people lack these tools, never giving their anger any space (probably because of a rageful childhood environment) so it comes out in unhealthy ways.
It seems really difficult to try and find ways into a life where you’re surrounded by healthier people and therefore able to venture through life more freely. Like a child with emotionally healthy parents would be able to do. I’m 20 now and my life’s on a big downhill. I’ve recently just lost my job because I wasn’t showing up, i just got caught drink driving and I’m stuck doing nothing all day. I feel like I’ve been rotting my brain through all the most formative years of my life. My dad was an angry man, he would often shout at me aggressively when I annoyed him. I would go to my room and cry and make sure not to tell anyone. There was never a sufficient sorry from. The man is still too closed off to find a way to properly apologise to me and now his greatest pain is the way I’ve cut him off. Since I was 14 I’ve been unengaged in school and I find it difficult to take an interest in anything or feel fulfilled in any friendships, like I can’t throw myself into anything. I’m stuck now trying to find a path to take. Hopefully I can kill the unworthiness and fear inside me just enough to get the things I want.
Well, it sounds like you're really trying to figure things out, and are developing insight into yourself. Keep on keepin' on - and remember this simple bit of advice: stay out of trouble! Oh - and quit drinking; it's going to make everything worse.
That's a fairly crap situation you've landed up in. But you are young, and have plenty of time ahead of you to change your life. And it can take quite a while to discover who you are, what brings joy and meaning for you, without your Dad's voice in your head. I've tried lots of things - therapy, meditation (self compassion), reading, finding friends who are kind and affectionate, and they've all helped in their own ways. I hope you can do the same - I wish you all the best.
The happy family is a myth for many. ~ “We were never "too sensitive." We were intuitive. We saw the abuse we endured for the cruelty and manipulation that it was.” ― Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath
Wow powerful....I had a lot of yelling and chaos in my childhood. Mom was a screamer. I don't remember being scared but I do remember thinking I can't wait to grow up and leave.
Unfortunately I'm currently in this situation. I'm always on edge like even right now. My creativity seems like it has died. I don't have energy to do the things I love. I'm always preveting any type scolding by being on my toes but I still get that anyways. I feel empty and like that I have no love to give. I have cried more nights because of heartbreak from them then anyone else. I'm anxious. Always feel like Im not doing enough or I'm useless or lazy. My other siblings feel the same. I get surprised when someone mentions that how much of a fun loving and always smiling child I was cause as far as I remember I was shy, timid and anxious one. Yet sometimes I too smile, laugh, annoy my siblings cause I know that's me, that's my inner child. Im sensitive then most people. Easy to cry from young. But I'm still always praying to god to get me out of this situation, heal me and find me a better place where I can be myself. I'm healing slowly. My innermost desire is to smile and laugh widely without worries and insecurities. ❤ May everyone who suffered through this or worst or is suffering get the help and heal quickly. May you live a memorable and blissful life❤
That "emoter" was tame! I expected someone to come in and scream AT the kid. My 2 older brothers probably got it worse than I did, but even in my mid-40s I still avoid confrontation. We tried our best to break that cycle and give our kids a healthy, loving home, free of verbal abuse. Yes, not everything is sunshine and roses, but life's tough enough. Nobody deserves to feel this big 🤏🏻
This is a research study, not real life. What parent would volunteer their child to participate in a study where they would be screamed at directly? This isn't the 1950s...
@@mylesleggette7520 I'm not familiar with research studies, so I didn't know. Thanks for clearing that up, even if you did come across a little irritated. Some of our parents born in the 50s and weren't very good at parenting.
For the tension to happen in the child, without yelling and screaming is the key. A child that is suddenly nervous at the simple presence of a certain adult entering the room is the key here. Fear of potential instead of actual.
I will openly admit to raising my voice, my dad was very vocal, never violent at all but if he shouted, you damn well listened. Unfortunately, I took the same approach with my child. I am not a violent person at all and would never harm anyone but I admit to raising my voice when I lose my temper. He has ADHD and raises his voice to match me. It's a vicious cycle that ends up with me leaving the room unable to control the situation. Nobody teaches you about these things, you just have to learn the hard way and once your into a cycle, it's hard to change how you are 😢
I am very sure that all parents ( some pretend, that they never be angry at their Children and never act wrong...i dont belive them) find themselves in a similar situation. Nobody knows 100% how to prevent something like this. One key could be to exchange ideas with other parents and talk to professionals (especially with ADHD...). We are all humans and have our Emotions diffrently triggert. When strong emotions kickin in reason no longer works...this is especially the case with children because their brains are not yet that developed, but it is also the case with adults....and just how the Brain works. Reflect constructively afterwards and (depending on the age of the child together) think about what we should do differently in the future. Stay brave...You are not alone. ...and yes, i scream at my 4 Year old and hate myself for it. He is a child and does what children do...it es my job to literally show him how things work, not to break him.
My dad had a terrible rage and often hit us in a rage. I still remember it clearly. He’s emotionally immature and these days we don’t even speak. He can’t understand why, he never believes he’s done anything wrong.
This has been me my whole childhood 😔 my parents were always fighting, even to this day in their old age. The police even had to get involved at one point, including our neighbors. It was traumatic and embarrassing. I wish this type of childhood on nobody
Wow this was triggering. I grew up with a mother that "emoted" but viewed herself as perfectly centered and emotionally in-control. Haven't spoken to her in over 3 years and I doubt it even registers in her mind that she had a hand to play in how dysfunctional our relationship has always been.
Physical violence does not always follow angry yelling. But it is _always_ preceded by it, therefore when someone is expressing themselves with hostility, a child will naturally fear for their safety. And when they learn as fact the fiction that one's violent outburst is caused by their victim, even casual interactions become very dangerous.
Oy, this hits home. I'm 54 and still processing how much damage my mother's undiagnosed bipolar rage did. To this day, if she brings up some random memory and I point out how awful it was for me because of her rage, she doesn't apologize at all. Just rolls her eyes and gets mad again. It's unreal.
The rage my dad would enter over things as minor as crumbs on the bench, or if I left my jacket at soccer practice, or if I was five minutes late are things that are lodged deep within me. And then he wonders today why we're not close and our relationship is strained and empty.
I low key relate to how you're feeling. Parents can really be the worst to their kids and then act baffled that their kids don't want to be close to them as if it's supposed to happen. It's deplorable
I ran away from my family who was like this. Ran away from cruel stepdad and mom. I hope my dad stays okay like he is now
He's one of those people that dont think 5 seconds ahead, mine was very similar to yours
Even if you would explain it to him in utmost detail, he quite literally wouldnt comprehend it, i tried and he was looking at me like a confused child. it was such a bizzare experience
@NakedAvanger That's happened to me too with my stepdad. I explained that he was in the wrong in a minor argument, and he just looked at me like I was slowly turning evil. Like he couldn't fathom that he's not always in the right. It's unsettling
@@raikasha8152 I had the absolute same experience
This made me cry. After so many years of this, I can't even begin to fathom the impact it must have had. Peace to all of you who have survived the same.
Yes. Same reaction here. It raised some old, old memories
Back at you ☀️
I thought the same thing- it really opened my eyes to see the impact of hearing just a short exchange like that where the aggression wasn’t even targeted at the boy. I wanted to hug him and it was so validating to think what some of us survive. It’s amazing we’ve gotten so far ❤
My mom got angry at me a lot whenever I didn’t do things as what she wanted or simply when she had a long day at work (which almost everyday as I remember). She hit me a lot, too, and that was totally normal and acceptable at where we lived (a small country in Asia) at that time. I carried the shame and the pain with me for my whole life, into my dreams even when I have moved across the globe to stay away from her. I don’t hate her, now as an adult I have sympathy for my mom at her young age. However I cannot change my past, I cannot change my mom, and I have to be away from her to protect myself. I just can’t do anything, can’t learn anything, can’t grow if I live close to her!
I know mine. If I’m not on anti-depressants I’m extremely angry 😭
Goodness… the look of survival in his eyes… of course a child cannot play (even less learn something) if there’s a threat nearby… this explains a lot for me. My mother would never be violent with me but she was fighting and yelling all the time with my father and other people. Like this child, I was always in alert mode
I want to cry at his sweet puppy dog eyes!🥺
Exactly my case just the opposite my father used to shout in family and have bad relations with outsiders in a way i developed constant alert mode and fear of a fight happening
@@JAH-iu3yhI did, too.
Just because they were never violent doesnt mean it cant do trauma, that was one of the nastiest lies my mother told me and it set my emotional maturity back like a decade.
My husband is never violent but he does he shout at me sometimes. Our kids hate it, and I feel terrible for him. I don't care if he wants to shout at me, I just wish he wouldn't do it around them.
I was raised with a rageaholic in my house. He occasionally beat me but mostly he beat my mother. I remember in my bed listening to it and feeling so helpless. Later I became angry at my mother for allowing it. I eventually stood up to him and refused to be beaten down, refused to submit. They threw me out of the house at 16 and I lived on the streets. All the bad things that happened to kids on the street happened to me. I survived it but it shaped who I am.
I went through similar and I often feel like I'm the only one on earth this stuff happened to even though I know better.
I'm sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope you're doing well.
@@richardspillers6282I am doing very well and my life has been relatively happy with plenty of loving relationships. I hope the same for you.
@@richardspillers6282I have had a relatively happy life since then, lots of loving relationships and people like you who also had bad childhoods. I hope the same is true for you.
Sad.
You are awesome.
For any parents in here who feel guilty, it is NEVER to late. Children just need love people. Love, and patience.
My thoughts
This is important. Thank you.
Yes. I have turned a corner this last year. Things have improved a lot.
..? Study is literally on developing children. It def is too late. Didn't realize or adjust when it mattered. The only way it wouldn't be too late is if the child is still really young.
Subconscious mind is programmed in early development. Major percentage of adult behavior comes from this “pre-programmed” subconscious mind. Grow up, forgive your parents, forgive everybody, let it all go, do your inner work, rewire your subconscious mind, learn to love yourself. You can only love others to the degree you love yourself. Oh, and never, never, never yell at anybody, especially children. Love is the answer. No Fear, Be Kind, Love All…
One of my first memories, if not THE first memory, is of my parents yelling at each other. I can even remember a phrase that was shouted. This happened throughout my childhood. When I was very young I would cry and plead with them to stop because it was so very distressing. I finally just learned to hide in my room.
Huh. I don't remember a single instance of trying to negotiate with my parents like that when they were shouting. It's rather strange now that I think about it. I just went straight to the "hide" phase from the get-go. Sorry to read yet another case of the same problem -- it's far too ubiquitous. I hope you don't feel the need to hide anymore.
I did the same. Too much yelling between my parents and my brother. I went to my room and hid. I used to wear headphones and blare music to drown out the screaming. My hearing is damaged now as an adult.
This was not a fun way to grow up! To hear about others who tried to cope in the same way is heartbreaking. We missed out on so much living by making ourselves invisible. The parents never thought to not yell or not yell around the children. It shows you how little they regarded their family and ultimately how little they cared for themselves.
Same. My first memory is of my parents arguing. I remember the phrases and body language. It happened often
Same I have early memories of them fighting late at night and I would wake up from it. I'd have to go to the bathroom so badly but was afraid to leave my room. I remember waiting at my door for what seemed like hours for it to die down so I could sneak to the bathroom
It seemed like tried to wait and hide their frustrations from you. Seems like they did their best to protect you rather than doing it in your face. That was their adult time, to deal with their issues. Curious, did they stay together?
This was my parents. They would get extremely crazy angry. Unfortunately, my parents aren’t smart people and made bad decisions…. Yes, it was impactful
Yeah, the worst part is it feels like you make one wrong move, and you're dead. I think the problem is lack of attention, not intelligence. If they actually looked at the abject horror they inflict on their child's face the way we clearly saw in this video, I think most parents would come to their senses pretty quickly.
Im sorry you had to experience that. Wish you all the healing and forgiveness
You do not need to be smart. You can know all about child psychology and still do what you yourself experienced as a child. The other way around emotional healthy people don't need to be smart or educated.
Same, now I’m left to pick up the pieces and fix myself it’s my responsibility now but you have no idea how hard it is 😔
@@cindyl760 well.. they might have some idea.
I failed to break the cycle. But I'm trying to repair the damage now.
Same... I never got professional help but not sure what to do
@@irecruitfish7410 MDMA and guided meditation on TH-cam is better than years of therapy. But a good therapist is big if you can find one.
Please watch the Circle of Security. Do research on it. It helped me with my anger
@@irecruitfish7410You are doing your best so don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. I think you're on the right path just stick to it, I believe in you and please have a great week!
@@Sonic-ig1po I sincerely thank you. I hear a lot of negativity so this message helps
So this is why I was so passive and disinterested in everything from a young age! My parents also discouraged all the subjects I liked in school the most. And all extracurricular activities were either too dangerous or too expensive.
Sorry you had to go through that and still suffer probably. You can succeed without them though
same
This I finally gave up and just watched TV and played video games.
yeah, why do they discourage subjects you're interested in and try to push you into ones they think are good for you. it's insanity
My life too
The baby’s expression made me cry. It reminded me of my entire childhood. I lived in constant fear of my father as he would often and randomly explode at me, resulting in beatings and emotional abuse.
Exactly my experience as well..
I also cried from watching this
Im so sorry for what you both went through i hope youre able to sit with your pain, feel it fully so you can heal what it did to you ❤
I love the integration of actual behavioral study footage!
Agreed! That was VERY impactful.
That clip right there should be shown to ALL parents. The effect is clear as day if they actually bothered to glance at their child.
it's validating. it allows people to see themselves in that baby; small, innocent, defenseless, curious, scared.
The real life footage was moving, actually.
I felt for that little child... but I know how valuable it is for all of us to watch the impact of these things in an experiment such as this. Bit my heart really went out to that little human there in the footage. 😢
In any angry discussion always watch the child’s response always its pause for thought.
2 minutes and I'm crying 😢 Not all parents deserve children, I know these are some people's daily lives. We can't say kids don't remember - experiences like this, especially when they're continuously exposed, become baked in.
We do need to show ourselves immense compassion. Thank you for sharing this.
Not all parents deserve children😢💯
Agree with u a 100% Just because u can procreate doesn't mean u have to. It's the kid who suffers
Raising children requires flexibility that only highly psychologically mature people can provide
You can never be 100% prepared for kids, some things you have to learn along the way as a parent.
@@Munchausenification yes, but at least people should be aware of their maturity before raising any children, or else they will be raised in violence and who knows what that ends up like? I do, and I don't want it for others.
@@veltarden2419 two thirds of children aged 16 or younger has experienced trauma. That is not to say its "normal" or a good thing, but it shows how we can overcome obstacles and something we should teach kids. Fortunately, most kids overcome their trauma to such a degree that they can function and function well. Being aware of the impact of i.e. anger is better (my opinion) than trying to avoid it.
But that leads back to the original comment, as a parent you do need to be very psychologically mature.
@@Munchausenification Yes you need to be mature to be a parent.
Being mature is not about never being angry, it's about taking accountability, going to your child to actually apologize to them for erring with them by showing your anger in front of them. Explaining that people get angry, but it doesn't mean you don't love your child. And promising to control yourself and do better (and actually doing it, not making an empty promise).
@@123leyang321 I agree. couldnt have said it better myself
This explains why even in the slightest hostility I register in anyone I step back and begin to slowly build up the distance.
same here. Whenevere there is a conflict, my chest starts to ache and I freeze, because when I was a child a conflict preluded violence.
I flee as fast as I can at the sign of anger. I was raised by a rageaholic and I can’t take rage in any form. I feel powerless.
I relate to that so much. I freeze and cannot think rationally and this makes me feel powerless. My therapist pointed out that I've normalised aggressive behaviour as if it's the expected and normal occurrence.
Currently working on curbing the ‘flight or fight’ of either needing to “distance” or ‘steel’ myself against inevitable set in of paralysis, post adrenaline rush of seemingly uncontrollable sense of having to be ready to defend, in the event there may be no ‘clean’ exit from hostile, angry energy. Grounding exercises have been tremendously helpful in keeping present 😌
Hearing people raise their voice still puts me in a panic.
It use to put me in one but I learned martial arts and that seemed to have helped me learn emotional control. Now someone raises their voice like that and I either want to show them how unserious it is to piss them off further or I'll clap back at them. As a kid I always wanted to speak up but never had the confidence I do now and damn does that feel AMAZING
Same in my case. Hence why I have a rather cold relationship with my older brothers.
I just had to tell a gal who was going off shrill about her bill paying options “ Please stop! We can’t solve that for you right now so let’s just not talk about it please. It was my Sunday afternoon and she was escalating the conversation to a ridiculous pitch. Bringing everyone down. So I nipped it.
Me too
They dont even need to raise their voice. I make a lil mistake and I'd just panic and dwell with shame and guilt on my own
The scars do last a lifetime, and manifest in an endless number of ways. Ways the victim doesn't always know to trace back to childhood trauma.
Addictive behavior is one I'm still trying to stop at 27
May repeat it self under the pseudo care of a sick therapist that destroy you to make money, never to help you heal the original trauma, but create a additional one.
the problem is realization. the vast majority of parents don't even REALIZE they are doing this. they'll watch this video without realizing they're who the video is about.
You nailed it. A complete lack of self-awareness is one of the few qualities that I find almost impossible to tolerate in someone. Conversely, a person rich in it has my abiding respect.
That's exactly the problem
“The vast majority of parents”, huh? Are you a parent or just theorizing here with no evidence?
@@Curiousinternetperaon both?
@@Curiousinternetperaon no.. they're right. my parents care about me ALOT but they dont know how somethings can impact kids! how could they, their parents were FAR worse!
ik my mother and father and ik my frnds parents and ik other parents, they all care about their kids but are oblivious to stuff like this!
its not that hard to understand uk-
Very mild compared to how angry and emotionally abusive other parents can be, for days on end over seemingly minor things in hindsight
basically shows how something so small can mean so much … much more would be worse . 😢
I'm guilty of bad moods around the kids and this hurts. I feel like I'm repeating the cycle of my own childhood in this regard. This has hit a sore point for me personally. I'm not patient and can flip pretty intensely between moods too... not sure how to move forward after seeing this.
Maybe you are now ready to confront your own painful past and heal from it. Professional counseling could be an option. It helped me as well after a burn out
Take MEDS
In my life's journey, there wasn't adequate professional help available. My best case scenario was try on a bunch of doctors who don't know a thing about autism, ADHD or anything related to deep and continuous childhood trauma. If I cannot pin point one specific memory this doctors were LOST. I felt treated like a cartoon.
I hope you can get help from professionals, and/or books, podcasts, or groups. And if you don't, please don't loose hope, bc there's a huge amount of people doing their healing journey on their own (like me). It can be done.
Love and help can be found in many forms and places ❤
@@careottjuice meds are not for everyone, or every health issue. Sometimes meds are just another handicap 😢
It’s never too late to stop
My mother screams at everything. Everything. She's been doing it for 70+ years and will probably be screaming in her grave. I cannot handle loud noises or raised voices.
I have so much anger inside me from a lifetime of abuse and neglect that I don't feel anything else. I'm exhausted and tired of this unrelenting anger that smothers me.
This is the impact of anger on young children -- they become angry too.
Generational Trauma
"Probably screaming in her grave". Reminds me of that scene in 6th Sense, when the mom-ghost freaks out in the kitchen. Scariest f--kin' jump-scare I've ever had!
Reminded me of dear old Ma....
Big big hug to you. I hope that you that none of it was your fault or responsibility. Try to heal for your own sake primarily. And what I've learned: my parents are not who I am and I am not my parents. You can choose a better path for yourself❤
I distanced myself physically and mentally from my mother long time ago. I cannot bear the control, manipulation, negativity and selfish attitude that she brings up around her everywhere. She was verbally and emotional abusive and dominant, always angry and unhappy with everyone, especially with my father, she blamed him for everything. That impact my self steem and the way I behave and think. I try to break free from that but it is extremely difficult even with my psychologist help.
I feel you. I was able to self-heal from this vicious cycle since chilhood. But one slip just opens the flood gates of painful memories once again. Its just awful.
This is real. And yet so many will say you are weak, melodramatic, or overly sensitive, and you should just grow up. Don't listen to them! They're probably the same people who have treated their own family this way, but they can't admit fault.
Absolutely! Don't accept judgement people who can't judge their own actions accordingly
Not “may last a lifetime”, but “will”. Especially if it is recurrent and inescapable. My dad is an anxious person, and frequently displaced his anger at my mum and I over trivial things. I was that boy 24/7 until I left home to move to a different country. Without any safe adult to rely on for guidance and support, it seems to take a gargantuan effort to do some things that others take for granted and do with relative ease.
two thirds of kids aged 16 or less has experienced trauma in some way. Most people find ways out of it without much effort and others are so deeply traumatised they need professionel help. It is extremely hard to determine whether or not it has serious lasting effect, especially since its obviously taboo to let large groups of kids get exposed to such negative experiences that MIGHT give trauma for life. Then again, we clearly see in the this particular experiment that the quite short experience/observation of anger nearby by the child and specifically on the "toy" and therefore the boy is scared out of playing with it.
The thing that strikes me the most, is how observant the child is and how big of an impact - in this case emotions, has on a child's ability to interact with the world. It completely shots down the potential to play with the toy and the child is frozen. Although I bet some kids would either be brave/daring and try to play with it, some would turn to their mom and again others would probably also direct anger towards the toy.
I understand the lack of support from safe adults. I hate feeling insecure in this world, but I'm moving forward.
For me, becoming competent in basic everyday stuff to be mostly self-reliant and also having good friends were good first steps. Also getting enough sun light and movement helps a lot. Psychological education and meditation practice are helpful, too. But for me just sunlight and movement is easier to access on bad days.
My mother was and still a narcissist. She used to shout her lungs out at simple mistakes all during my childhood......destroyed by self-esteem and what not. Now I constantly live with anxiety. I was on pills for 3 years. I forgive her(nothing else we can do). She doesn't know what she was doing back then. But I don't know how to pull myself out of this mess.
I feel for you. My mother wouldn't get often angry but when she would, she would shout and not listen at all. Last time she did this (when I was still living at home, as an adult) I broke down crying and couldn't stop.
What helped me quite a bit was reading the book Running on Empty by Jonice Webb.
Having had a similar experience I have recently discovered that trying to "open my heart" to all the emotions that come in and just experience them without thinking about them too much helps. For example I feel anxious about doing anything that might seem weird in public (even though it's something not so weird like suddenly stopping to stare at a tree), I try to feel the entirety of my anxiety and let it pass through me without getting attached to it. I think that getting too caught up with the fact that we're anxious is slowing progress down a lot. Practicing to accept the feeling when it arises seems in my case to allow me to do more and feel less of it over time
Ow that is rough. You didn't deserve any of that and it isn't your fault. Did you take therapy in order to get yourself out of this mess? Or only pills?
I had a friend in a similar situation and she distanced herself from her mother and took therapy. It helped a lot and years later, she confirmed that it was the right choice for her. Wish you all the best!
@@adelaova9868 I read it few months ago. still in process of understanding what else has been broken and how to get out of it.
@@askovicthe hmm you are talking much in line with Vipassana meditation. I am practicing it from past 4 years... still trying this "non attachment" thing...haven't mastered it yet
Please God help our children all around world. 🙏
A lot of children get abused every second, every minute of every day. Praying for them all. 💜
Yh the fact that some people can’t control themselves around kids they don’t realise how much it affects them in adulthood, u have to undo everything they taught u and rebuild your confidence and self esteem and the worst is when they still do in the present day and u have to emotionally become numb to stop letting it affect u
I know this is an experiment and all but just seeing the expression in the kids eyes made me almost tear up i just want to comfort him and tell him that everything is ok and that he can continue playing with the lady
Try telling this to children in Gaza
We need parenting classes in school, at least a brief introduction or together with a psychology class. Too many people don't know these things...
Nope. Have you met teachers? They cannot even teach reading....
@@jackdeniston6150well 90%+ of public school teachers are women who are literally RUNNING AS FAST AS THEY CAN to get away from both having their own kids OR having a real job 😂😂😂😂😂 🤷🏿♂️ so at best theyd be handing out worksheets that they themselves would fail at 😂😂😂😂😂😂 think about this, it’s obvious
We need less school in our life and home
we need classes about emotional intelligence, understanding our own psychology and human behaviour.
@@Robot123abcbeepah yes, less education would help society immensely.
From a small kid to I'd say about 29 or 30 years old I always thought my dad hated me because of the things he would say about and to me but when my dad got sick he started being so nice to me over and beyond nice to me that felt so good to me for the first time in my life I finally felt loved and accepted by my dad and then about 6 months later my dad passed away but the day before he passed I could tell he barely had enough strength and breath in his body but he said it "I love you" all I did was cry then the next day he was dead he passed the same month as my birthday I forgive my dad for all the sadness hurt pain even physical pain and all the anger and evil and negativity he brought to my life
Forgiving someone, even the ones who don't "deserve it", is the most loving and courageous thing a person can do particularly if that person was traumatized.
@@solagratialifeamen !
Forgiving is an important step. Otherwise, you never find peace. So glad to hear you managed to get the courage to do it and also that your dad apologised to you in his own way.
That is so brave of both of you. I wish happiness to you and your late father. 🙏🙏
Thanks for sharing this! As a developmental psychologist, I wish more people learn about this type of studies and watch the videos, so that they know how much can be improved in parenting and public education.
Please suggest more keywords of content to search for . Thanks
This type of information needs to be made more public, and presented in an effective way
If you find yourself in a relationship where one of the parents shouts, what would you suggest?
I feel hopeless and stuck, because divorce seems to be even worse on the kids, staying in the relationship and not retaliating is terrible, but retaliating means promoting the shouting.
@@braria9855 I'm sorry to hear that. Are you the other parent?
@@braria9855 "retaliating" is definitely not the proper mindset
We witnessed our parents disagree, fight, negotiate, then make up.
Understanding this cycle gave us comfort knowing that no matter the argument was, there's always a beginning, a middle, and an end. Even though my dad had anger issues and would explode at the slightest irritation,
I feel that seeing it was better than shielding us from the realities of life.
Some people are crazy, but you can handle it.
as someone who is learning how to stop bursts of anger at the slightest irritation because of the environment I was raised in, it’s most definitely not the reality of the world. it is not normal to yell, stomp, and say hurtful things when you can’t find a remote in the blankets or someone spills something, or whatever else it may be. it’s okay to feel irritated and get angry, as that’s part of life, but most people do not completely explode. and if you do, you are the one responsible for learning to breathe through emotions and figure the situation out, not just say that that’s reality
@@novalynn2837you only have one life, you are one small life form on a ball spinning in space in an infinite galaxy. You need to get some perspective first. My Japanese friend always said, if there is a problem, then there is a solution. No emotional involvement required. These types of things helped me. Solve problems, don’t be emotional about them
@@novalynn2837 He didn't say that it is *normal* for people to act that way, he said that *some* people act that way. Which *IS* reality. There are always going to be some people who are "crazy" in some way, and it is critical that people develop an ability to deal with that by the time they become adults. It's good that his parents provided that ability to him, even if they had to use their own faults to do so.
Seeing this baby really hit home for me. I was the youngest of 3 and my father beat my brother and sister when I was that age. Then it was me too. I’ve been affected my whole life and the scars are deep. Depression is something I battle and I’m in my 60s. I’m starting to connect all the dots of my childhood. When my father died I didn’t shed one tear. That’s when I knew there was really no connection with him at all. ☹️
Peace be with you ❤
@@hunterkarr5618 Thank you.
@@ericb8413God almighty will bless you with peace and serenity till the very last breath of your life
Your story is nearly identical to mine. Be well, my friend.
This video was a difficult watch on 2 levels for me, on one hand my inner child who survived seriously abusive behaviours and the other, my 2 kids who have the result as a mother. I'm trying so hard to break the cycle, I gave into frustration yesterday and had to set my baby down and go upstairs to cry and cool off my kids were cared for by my husband in that time, they weren't alone.
When I came back I apologised to them both and my husband and took responsibility and triedntonexplain why I felt frustrated, the guilt is crushing😢 every day I strive be better for my children so they don't have my life of anywhere near it xx
The fact that you are this aware means you are already doing a ton of work to break the cycle. Wonderful job mama. Keep up the hard work.
My parents, to this day, scream and shout at each other for the slightest things going missing or misplaced. I expressed my disgust at that and made sure they behave when my children are around, but i hate people that lose their cool with passion.
I always had to keep an eye on my son when visiting my parents to intervene in case they started treating him the way they treated me. I decided this year that my parents place is simply not a safe place for my child and stopped visiting.
This shit ends with me!
@@herbert5585 it ends with us🙂
Aw that brought tears to my eyes. I've long been working to shake off bad habits like raising my voice, and even yelling. This helped drive home the point of the deep psychological impact my sometimes short-temperedness is perpetuating. I don't want to just reconcile after and apologize / love on my kiddos, I want to do better in the first place. Still lots of growing to do!
I'm seeing so much of me in that emoter right now. I'm going through PPD and raging over nothing on my poor, loving husband and my poor, sweet children. I spoke with the pediatrician on friday and we are now working on it together but it doesn't seem fast enough. My poor babies. 😢 I don't even recognize myself I can't imagine how they feel 🥺 videos like this are so helpful. People need to know. So there is at least an opportunity for correction.
I'm not 100% sure why but, that hit me deep.
All it takes is one good look at that kid's face to recognize how terrible this is. And then you realize this is everywhere, because parents never glance in their kid's direction when they're throwing a tantrum. It's truly depressing to think about.
It's because it's just a wee kid, and it's not their fault that they respond to someone else's anger in that way. They're scared. And you realise: I was that kid, and it's not my fault either.
I would say compassion, at least it's for me
We lost our farm when i was around 2 years old, and as my Dad was driving our remaining possessions to the city, the truck burnt down. When we arrived in the city, he ended up working as a Prison Officer at the states top maximum security prison. There was probably a pre-existing tendency towards violence and anger in the family anyway, but these events exacerbated it I'm sure. At 38 I am still struggling to find every day happiness and confidence in my life thanks to the way I was treated as a kid. I make no excuses and I accept responsibility for my own life (tbh I am quite successful but I would trade it all to be able to be poor and happy). But i can confirm that this anger distorted a sensitive heart and mind. Take serious note.
I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive household. I am now 33 years old and I suffer from depression, anxiety, insecurity, feeling lonely and like I don’t belong, feeling like nobody likes me… a lot of my feelings come from my childhood trauma.
Same. I’m in my forties and still think everyone hates me or is a threat in some way… I do not know how to relate to normal people.
When everyone is out to get you, the world is a lonely place.
This made me cry
why?
@@SeenaAbedi how sad he looked. The impact the anger had on him.
Me too 😢
@@SeenaAbediempathy
@@Lucy-iw1xf I needed context though. It could have been a childhood trauma, triggered by this video, that made her cry hence why I asked instead of assuming.
That’s heartbreaking. ❤️🩹
I am so grateful for resources like this. My two year old was increasing in difficult behaviours and we were becoming increasingly frustrated at him (mainly because we just didn't understand why he was doing it). Resources like have taught us the importance of respond firmly but calmly and gently. Honestly within a month his behaviours have changed so much.
i came here to understand my dad more.. im just 18 yo girl and till i was 15 or so, i used to think that my dad had smth wrong wd him and he was bad and he would get angry so easily and i would villainize him alot. i grew up wd him getting upset so easily that now it is a scar but i got to know that my dad isnt even half as bad as his dad was to him. from abuse, to no expression of love, to treating him like a retirement plan, my dad grew up in one of the most toxic families!
i want to learn more about it, to see if i can help my dad becz my dad aint a bad person! he just never got help the way he needed and he's oblivious that he needs that help!
looking at this, i couldnt helo but cry. i cant imagine all the pain my dad went thru with a horrible father and a horrible environment!
I understand your wish to better your dad. I had a very similar experience. I am in my 30s now. Be careful wishing to change people. There are people that do not want to change no matter the consequences. I tried for nearly 20 years to better the situation. But there was no change at all, no signs of understanding, remorse or trying to improve. I held onto the idea that I could mend this for far too long. I endured way too much emotional pain because of that. I was depressed for the most part of the first 30 years of my life. I cannot recommend having too much patience with people that are hurting you and refusing to be accountable for their deeds and refusing to change hurtful behavior. I really hope your situation is different. Best of luck!
@@hanswoast7 i hope so too! people refusing to change starts to become more evident the older they grow, so if he doesnt change or reduces it, i'll prolly just draw a line and let him know.
I really want to believe that he'll at least try because as far as I've seen, he stresses out easily, gets anxious, defensive even on little things and it just shows all the trauma deep rooted in him. my mother actually told me that he changed ALOT from the beginning of their marriage, according to her his rage used to be way worse and would last longer but ever since, i was born, the fatherly love slowly, prolly, stepped in and then my sisters were born, so rn its its lowest (which is still high for average person) so i still wana hope, that even if he doesnt change, at least he'll listen and try his very best. I mean thats all the would matter to me!
Also, I hope ur okay now! sometimes the best thing to do for urself and other, is just to distance urself, and I hope things become more happier for you!
I'm not surprised. My father was absent from my childhood except for brief visits before I was 5 but he was an angry damaged, pathetic person, in fact my only real memory of him is him stamping on my toys when I didn't put them away immediately as ordered (I could scarcely have been 2 years old then).
Do you think it was for the better that your mother protected you from him or would've more of his presence been more beneficial?
@@braria9855 Absolutely the former. I began writing a long answer going into details why, which are varied and some personal, some not. But I have a nagging feeling that your question is a trap...
@@leightonolsson4846😂 you just don’t want to be held accountable
@@juniorguerrero4488 well I do think it's imperative to consult a lawyer before admitting any culpability lol 😋
I have crippling social anxiety, especially related to anyone with any authority over me. Over the years I have managed to train my brain to remain calm and composed so I can do what I have to do and say things I need to say. However my body goes into full fight/flight mode, I get drenched in sweat, I'm flushed, I'm short of breath...
Thanks mom&dad.
I am sorry
Hang in there. Thanks for sharing. I react similarly. Be well, my friend.
I proudly broke the generational curse.
Did you move out?
This bullshit ends with us!💪
I'm proud of you!!
How?
I wanna know how, How'd you do it?
This is unfortunately very true. A child exposed to a lot of anger, not necessarily at him but around him, which he cannot understand, will find it hard to outgrow the emotional trauma. And the truth is even parents( and other family members )who are loving and supportive can also end up scarring a child if they are casual about showing normal anger in front of their children.
I'm 70 now and I grew up in a house where both parents screamed at me and occasionally hit me. I never got any positive feedback or love from any adult, just derision and mockery. III bullied my weaker brother mercilessly. lifetime of poor choices followed. Self medication with IV hard drugs, risky behavior on motorcycles, etc. I chased after impossible women (junkies, prostitutes, a porn actress, a crack whore, among others). who treated me like shit and mistreated the ones who really loved me and were nice to me. I was put off therapy because the shrink I was sent to when I was 17 was working for my abusive mother, or so I thought. Since I was taught to never express my feelings I never opened up to him. We just played Monopoly and he collected his fee. I remember what he said at the beginning of EVERY session. "How many brothers and sisters do you have." An ethical therapist would've recommended a colleague who could draw me out but he liked the money. And I needed help- I was miserable, terrified of girls cuz my mother repressed any indications of heterosexuality or masculinity. When I was 50 I finally had the big bike crash so Im a paraplegic in a nursing home. I made sure I never replicated lest I fuck up my offspring like my parents did to me. To my credit, I was kind to the children of my girlfriends and couldn't understand how someone could hit and verbally abuse any child let alone one's own. Many victims of abuse have handled it much better than I did. But even for these people, you never get over growing up feeling unloved, feeling that no place is safe, feeling unworthy of love.
I've been exposed to anger by my mother for 25 years! No wonder I become so anxious and afraid all my life.
Amazing how many personal issues Ive managed to trace back to this happening in childhood. Having experienced loud arguments nearly every day as a kid definitely left its mark that I can recognize looking back. Shouting and criticism led to being overly cautious and afraid of parental oversight. That in turn lead to secrecy, distrust, isolation. Then in school it meant not being part of groups, less social skills, less academic performance... all compounding into a mild depression. At one point I remember a teacher had a habit of randomly raising voice to maybe an absurd amount just to highlight important statements, but I remember how it left me nearly crying in class out of the intense emotions it caused.
Looking back I dont think my parents were trying to hurt, but were probably unable or unwilling to learn better. Nowadays I recognize they have very limited self-reflection maybe bordering on narcissism. Talking to them now leads to either pushing responsibility on the other, or pretending like things like that never happened.
What I want to say is that the effects can be unraveled and some semblance of functionality can be restored in your emotional life. For me it helped to look at them as examples of what not to do, realize I need to parent myself (so to say) rather keep expecting the impossible. I would ask myself, if I had a trusted parental figure, what would they tell me based on what I seen parents supposed to do in media or with other people. Actual parents became more like a warning of what can happen, if I become too self absorbed in my own unhappiness. Not perfect but it gave some semblance of happiness and guidance.
For those of you suffering still, try to think of yourselves more like survivors who've adapted rather than damaged victims. The bad things like anxiety, solitude, problems in relationships and so on you might experience come from the adaptations you've made that allowed you to survive what people who didn't go through what you did wouldn't have been able to handle. The fact you're here is proof you can adapt to hardship. You only need to tap into that inner strength and you can adapt once more now to a less dangerous environment. Stay safe.
Thank you so much for these words...
Thanks
This video made me realize I still have this exact same reaction even now as an adult. Except, the anger rubs off on me and I want to impulsively react to it and defend myself. I guess that's just my brain trying to protect me. No wonder I feel so lonely even around my family.
Thanks for all y'all do. I love y'alls channel so much 🌹
My mum went silent ad soon as I displeased her. She still does it. It still upsets me.
Maybe she's protecting you from her anger. I did that when I got angry with my kid. Because I grew up with abuse, I didn't want my children to suffer like I did, if I got upset when they were little, I'd say "mommy needs a time out" and go in my room until I was calm. Not ideal, but at least I didn't rage in front of them. I wasn't perfect and I'd say this worked 99% of the time.
Hell yeah, the old "i'm not angry, i am disappointed", so mature!
Ignoring is still damaging, guys. It's just a different method of abuse
The silent treatment. Even more damaging.
Umm ok so you can't do anything to explain to a kid it's not a good idea to throw toys around the room near the other baby?
You ask nicely 10x, explain why it's bad, that it might hurt baby, and they ignore you and do it again (stubbornness or just resting limits) but according to you all now you can't raise your voice, can't act disappointed and quiet, what then?
Looking at discussion like this as a parent of small kids, it's so lacking. People just coming here to vent at their own parents...
it's the feeling of wanting to escape but being too afraid to do anything
Raising a child is a huge responsibility. Many people don't realise that. Their casual approach towards having a kid and raising it is very dangerous.
I can’t believe how many people get mad at the person they angered and feel so sorry for themselves they use it as an excuse decades later to not handle their business
This is why I left my ex when I found out I was pregnant. Life with him would have been a nightmare for all and it would have cause irreparable damage to my child. I has issues, for sure, and our life wasn't perfect but at least there was no anger and violence in the home. I thank God for that.
Nice to see an experiment conducted in a safe environment. Child always feels safe with a loving parent at least
I didn’t want to watch this, but knew I had to. I’ve had some blow-ups over the years, only when I was mad at myself, but it doesn’t matter. Slamming doors and throwing things is scarring. Thankfully, I’d ask for forgiveness and vow to try harder. We even made some rules for if I just needed some time alone to breathe, or run, or do pushups. Getting physically exhausted as fast as possible helps drain my anger.
Thank you for this video! I hope young parents to be see this, and they cling to it.
being 28 now and my id is the only thing showing im not the exact same depressed broken isolated petrified 16 year old i was when i first realized what happiness felt like. all the time i lost to trauma.. it tortures me with unlimited grief. i have so many dreams. i want to break free.
The look on that boy’s face when the emoter enters is highly relatable
I grew up around anger and hostility directed at me on a daily basis. In my early 20's when I traveled Europe, I ended up coming home with more than half my spending money still in my account. I live in such a constant state of fear & worry that it stopped me from "letting loose" and really enjoying my travels.
I'm even older now and struggle to really enjoy anything
Shows you are good with money. You know the value of everything but not the price. But sometimes, just sometimes you have to say "fuck it", I'm going to book that holiday in Sardinia, buy that car you've been looking at for a while. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. In fact the more i grow older, the less I care about what people might think of me. Just be yourself (without being rude and obnoxious to others, obviously)
The look in the little boy's eyes made me want to cry. I've been the little guy many, many times in my life.
This is what's happened to me. I'm still struggling with this paralysing fear decades later. Every-day life seems enormous and frightening and I'm in so much pain. I hope it will get better, because this is no way to live.
This video should be also put on mainstream news. Thank you for this. USA
i struggle with anger issues constantly. i definitely see it has already affected my kids. most of my anger comes from low self worth, health issues, possibly genetics and learned behaviors from my parents and frustration with having zero family support or interest. ultimately i blame myself and am hard on myself because i always said i would be better than my father who was an angry person and left us when i was 5. i'm worse than him anger wise, but i'm still with my kids, still married, faithful. however, would my kids be better off without me i wonder.
The very fact that you question this is supremely helpful to you and your family. Well done. I lost my family but it's not too late for you. Keep at it.
My marriage failed in large measure due to our inability to handle our strong emotions. I’ve just won primary custody of my children and I observe the effects still in them.
I’m working hard on correcting this as much as I can by staying in close awareness to my feelings before they become explosive. This is my shot at righting some of the wrong in my own past, and the wrongs my children have experienced at the hands of others.
This explains a lot about the feelings that stay (a life time so far) when you're around certain people who have raised you this way..
As a neurotic person, I think this sort of thing affected me quite a lot. I get easily panicked now in even mild confrontations. It's wild.
Being a shortfused, yelling prone, neurotic parent, it hurts so much to watch this. Always knew, could never control, pushed into a spiral... Trying to do better, but I fear its too late.
im 33 now and i wish my mother knew about this.
This breaks my heart watching this. I was raised in constant fear of my mother. No father ever in my life. I still suffer mental issues that no one understands, not even my partner. It's difficult waking up some days.
My parents yelled at each other and/or me almost every day of my childhood. I would go to school and get into fights constantly. I developed anger issues I still have to manage to this day, and I'm fully convinced I'd be in prison for aggravated homicide if I didn't begin pacifying my rage with cannabis from the time I was 16.
Basically same story for me except I started smoking weed at 11yo and started taking downers by 15-16
Very powerful experiment.
This was me growing up and i became that angry parent... I'm rewiring, and it's worth it. My kids will know what safety and love is....
How are you rewiring ?
Amen
That video was extremely difficult to watch. Thank goodness the anger wasn't directly toward that sweet baby, but the look of fear in their eyes was heartbreaking.
Really interesting having the behavioral footage in the video.
My parents were gentle and kind, but my kindergarten teacher was an angry older lady, who shouted at every child so badly, she would sometimes spit. I cried every time my parents tried to drop me off there, my dad almost cried with me. "Thankfully" I was sick for the majority of the year, and since my mum was a stay-at-home mum back then, my parents decided it was not a safe evnvironment and never brought me back there, also because other kids bullied me. When I started therapy in my early twenties, my therapist told me that many of the issues I came with had started back in that kindergarten, almost twenty years earlier. So yeah. If you torture little children and then pretend you don't see when they're being hurt you should be banned from being a teacher or a parent. Forever.
Little kids are sponges. They soak up whatever they are being saturated within. Anger breeds anger.
Thank you for this.
My anxiety and cptsd and bpd gives me anger issues. I'm taking meds now. I got out of my abusive marriage. I hope it's not too late for my 2 and 4 year olds' mental health. I'm so grateful God answered my prayers and led me to meds, showed me mercy and grace where I deserved none. Thank you Father.
I get scared of the same, passing down the effects. Did medications help you not to rage at the kids? I’m so sorry for what you went through. It makes it so hard raising kids who are just being normal kids when they step on our every last nerve 🥴❤
@ec1222 thank you for your kind and understanding reply, it means more than I can express. Yes, the meds helped a lot, I think the anti-anxiety medication helped the most, and starting keto again actually. I take buspirone for anxiety, it really works well with my system. Keto helps because I think I'm just super sensitive to sugar crashes, and losing weight at the same time helps bring down inflammation, including in the brain, and keto helps me think so much more clearly. I take care of my gut microbiome with apple cider vinegar and fiber (chia seeds), and the antidepressant Sertraline (generic zoloft) works really well too. Also omega-3. This all contributed, and made a world of difference in controlling my anger. Sorry to ramble, but I thought maybe you'd like the references ❤️
Look up ifs therapy
To anyone that argues in front of their kids, don't let this make you feel like you're the worst parents. Console your children, let them knkw you're sorry for fighting or being off and teach them to navigate your emotions together.
Anger and rage/violent tempers are VERY different things. Anger is healthy and necessary and there's a correct way of feeling and expressing it: i.e. without violence, "I'm angry and I can handle it" versus "What the hell is wrong with you?". Rage and violence happen when people lack these tools, never giving their anger any space (probably because of a rageful childhood environment) so it comes out in unhealthy ways.
Baby looked up like “I’m not tryna aggravate this lady any more”
Babies don't say 'tryna.'
It seems really difficult to try and find ways into a life where you’re surrounded by healthier people and therefore able to venture through life more freely. Like a child with emotionally healthy parents would be able to do.
I’m 20 now and my life’s on a big downhill. I’ve recently just lost my job because I wasn’t showing up, i just got caught drink driving and I’m stuck doing nothing all day. I feel like I’ve been rotting my brain through all the most formative years of my life.
My dad was an angry man, he would often shout at me aggressively when I annoyed him. I would go to my room and cry and make sure not to tell anyone.
There was never a sufficient sorry from. The man is still too closed off to find a way to properly apologise to me and now his greatest pain is the way I’ve cut him off.
Since I was 14 I’ve been unengaged in school and I find it difficult to take an interest in anything or feel fulfilled in any friendships, like I can’t throw myself into anything.
I’m stuck now trying to find a path to take. Hopefully I can kill the unworthiness and fear inside me just enough to get the things I want.
Well, it sounds like you're really trying to figure things out, and are developing insight into yourself. Keep on keepin' on - and remember this simple bit of advice: stay out of trouble! Oh - and quit drinking; it's going to make everything worse.
That's a fairly crap situation you've landed up in. But you are young, and have plenty of time ahead of you to change your life. And it can take quite a while to discover who you are, what brings joy and meaning for you, without your Dad's voice in your head. I've tried lots of things - therapy, meditation (self compassion), reading, finding friends who are kind and affectionate, and they've all helped in their own ways. I hope you can do the same - I wish you all the best.
I think we all felt the same watching that.
I read somewhere that a lot of mental issues later in life can be traced back to this.
The happy family is a myth for many. ~
“We were never "too sensitive."
We were intuitive.
We saw the abuse we endured for the cruelty and manipulation that it was.”
― Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath
Wow powerful....I had a lot of yelling and chaos in my childhood. Mom was a screamer. I don't remember being scared but I do remember thinking I can't wait to grow up and leave.
Unfortunately I'm currently in this situation. I'm always on edge like even right now. My creativity seems like it has died. I don't have energy to do the things I love. I'm always preveting any type scolding by being on my toes but I still get that anyways. I feel empty and like that I have no love to give. I have cried more nights because of heartbreak from them then anyone else. I'm anxious. Always feel like Im not doing enough or I'm useless or lazy. My other siblings feel the same. I get surprised when someone mentions that how much of a fun loving and always smiling child I was cause as far as I remember I was shy, timid and anxious one. Yet sometimes I too smile, laugh, annoy my siblings cause I know that's me, that's my inner child. Im sensitive then most people. Easy to cry from young. But I'm still always praying to god to get me out of this situation, heal me and find me a better place where I can be myself. I'm healing slowly. My innermost desire is to smile and laugh widely without worries and insecurities. ❤ May everyone who suffered through this or worst or is suffering get the help and heal quickly. May you live a memorable and blissful life❤
GOD bless this child. that is all the parenting lesson I need.
It's like walking on a minefield every day because you don't know what's the next thing thats going to set them off
Even so many years later as an adult, anger and raised voices turn me fearful and anxious. 😢
That "emoter" was tame! I expected someone to come in and scream AT the kid. My 2 older brothers probably got it worse than I did, but even in my mid-40s I still avoid confrontation.
We tried our best to break that cycle and give our kids a healthy, loving home, free of verbal abuse. Yes, not everything is sunshine and roses, but life's tough enough. Nobody deserves to feel this big 🤏🏻
I'm glad they were. I was hella nervous for whatever kid was the subject of this experiment before seeing it 🙈
This is a research study, not real life. What parent would volunteer their child to participate in a study where they would be screamed at directly? This isn't the 1950s...
@@mylesleggette7520 I'm not familiar with research studies, so I didn't know. Thanks for clearing that up, even if you did come across a little irritated. Some of our parents born in the 50s and weren't very good at parenting.
For the tension to happen in the child, without yelling and screaming is the key. A child that is suddenly nervous at the simple presence of a certain adult entering the room is the key here. Fear of potential instead of actual.
I will openly admit to raising my voice, my dad was very vocal, never violent at all but if he shouted, you damn well listened. Unfortunately, I took the same approach with my child. I am not a violent person at all and would never harm anyone but I admit to raising my voice when I lose my temper. He has ADHD and raises his voice to match me. It's a vicious cycle that ends up with me leaving the room unable to control the situation. Nobody teaches you about these things, you just have to learn the hard way and once your into a cycle, it's hard to change how you are 😢
I am very sure that all parents ( some pretend, that they never be angry at their Children and never act wrong...i dont belive them) find themselves in a similar situation. Nobody knows 100% how to prevent something like this. One key could be to exchange ideas with other parents and talk to professionals (especially with ADHD...). We are all humans and have our Emotions diffrently triggert. When strong emotions kickin in reason no longer works...this is especially the case with children because their brains are not yet that developed, but it is also the case with adults....and just how the Brain works.
Reflect constructively afterwards and (depending on the age of the child together) think about what we should do differently in the future.
Stay brave...You are not alone.
...and yes, i scream at my 4 Year old and hate myself for it. He is a child and does what children do...it es my job to literally show him how things work, not to break him.
Me, too.
This was heartbreaking to watch.
I hate myself.
I wish i was a better dad/husband/man.
I think most parents feel that way, more often than we all know. If you're showing up, love your kids and you're trying, that's quite remarkable.
@katashley1031 thanks for the kind words :)
My dad had a terrible rage and often hit us in a rage. I still remember it clearly. He’s emotionally immature and these days we don’t even speak. He can’t understand why, he never believes he’s done anything wrong.
Trying to be a teacher without showing anger is tricky but I think it's worth it.
This has been me my whole childhood 😔 my parents were always fighting, even to this day in their old age. The police even had to get involved at one point, including our neighbors. It was traumatic and embarrassing. I wish this type of childhood on nobody
Wow this was triggering. I grew up with a mother that "emoted" but viewed herself as perfectly centered and emotionally in-control. Haven't spoken to her in over 3 years and I doubt it even registers in her mind that she had a hand to play in how dysfunctional our relationship has always been.
Growing up under the constant threat of outbursts - at first I thought it was normal, then I thought I’ll be different… now I’m not so sure.
Physical violence does not always follow angry yelling. But it is _always_ preceded by it, therefore when someone is expressing themselves with hostility, a child will naturally fear for their safety. And when they learn as fact the fiction that one's violent outburst is caused by their victim, even casual interactions become very dangerous.
Oy, this hits home. I'm 54 and still processing how much damage my mother's undiagnosed bipolar rage did. To this day, if she brings up some random memory and I point out how awful it was for me because of her rage, she doesn't apologize at all. Just rolls her eyes and gets mad again. It's unreal.