I have been following you for quite some time. I have read your book, and it feels like everything you say is spot on, at least with me. I am an emotional person, and i have had lots of abandonment and shameful issues. I have been dealing with anxiety for some time now, i followed what you recommended and accepted this is the way i am, and i just keep pushing forward.
I am suffering from anxiety since childhood and clinically since nearly 30 years. Parents both with cPTSD as I asume and worriers on their own and some childhood trauma made the conditions for it. I have listened to your book and regularily watch your videos and I feel I am healing for the first time in my 51 years of life. I am so grateful for your help you give us who suffer from severe anxiety. Thank you so much 🙏
I never knew that inner child means in psychology. I was convinced it was a version of me when I was a child. It wasn't. Inner child is Duckman. It is animation series from 1990s, with voice by George Constanza actor from Seinfeld. The Duckman is annoying, irritating, narcissistic, egocentric character that uses sex as a way to feel good in life and he is rude and obnoxious to anyone around him - yet in each episode he re-discovers that being selfish is unhelpful and that he can care for others, it doesn't cost him anything to be kind. I was repulsed by his character. Then I realized that he is a representation of inner child. When we are self blaming and judging and feeling shame - we are feeling these emotions to such character inside us. That is Jung's Shadow. All the flaws inside us, all the errors and all the imperfections - that hang around since childhood and now are in adult stage - they are our inner child. Instead of discipline and disgust, instead of judging and blaming, instead of shame and suppressing it - this character inside us needs our validation and special care, acceptance and listening to him, what he wants - instead of treating him like ugly animal that smells bad and you push it away from yourself. Amazingly enough, when we realize our suppressed errors, flaws and imperfections is something that we embrace and understand and take care of and help grow and learn and teach it to become adult, in the same time we will have more understanding of difficult people in our life who are annoying to us but in the same time they are not too annoying so we never permanently cut contact with them. WE can actually start to listen to them what they are trying to vocalize unsuccessfully and show them minimum amount of care instead of disgust towards them.
I listened to this four time then journaled to some of the questions posed. An hour later I let out an audible sigh. It feels good to like all aspects of myself, if only for that hour. Thank you for the prompting.
What a relief to hear this! My childhood was living in fear and blaming myself. I was always told I was to sensitive! Been to dozens of therapists who are taught how to deal with depression and anxiety! It never worked. Everyone of my therapists had advice but never been anxious or depressed themselves, at least that's what they said. Of course meds help the symptoms. Refreshing to hear this! Thanks
Personally, my experience has been that it isn't me that blames/shames myself, Other's do... For example, when I was 7 and my father started sexually abusing me, I told my mom... My mom's and my relationship was never the same after... She had a deep fear of being "abandoned" and it felt like she blamed me... My resentment over my mother "blaming me" was greater than the actual abuse itself (least to me)... Seemed to me that anyone I told, also did the same... I can't fix Other's... I can only change how I react to them🤗🤗🤗
Its hard for mw to hear some of your videos because it just hits the right spot i get chestpains and sometimes i cry But i need to confront this My ego doesnt like it my ego has pushed me to become a heroic female and doesnt tolerate this innocent sensitive child but i have ro find my child i have to give her the love she needs...thank u.i am from iran i wish i was in your country and could have some counsling with u
I became submissive as a child, so as not to cause any ripples in the pond, then my dad might not keep walking out and abandon me or if I keep putting mummy’s needs before mine then she won’t die and leave me, now I am alone it feels like the abandonment has come true and the uncertainty of how will I survive in fear of what the day might bring is always with me especially when I wake each morning
this is the best or most direct episode since you started! this is the core or crux of all thats good or bad in ones life! well done and perfectly communicated!
Hey Russ, it feels shameful to have sex early because our attachment system is wired to connect with ideally one person for life and stay attached. So I feel the shame is good to feel face a embrace and say thank you attachment system for showing me my body doesn’t want this sex. My body wants safe secure connection. Shame is not bad it’s very very good feedback
So right! Jesus said “ let the little children come to me and forbid them not for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” and I really believe he was not talking just about their physical bodies, because just like you said they need to know that they were made to be loved unconditionally
When I discovered Humanistic psychology I encountered this self validation concept which was unknown, mysterious and strange to grasp. Until then I was only instructed by CBT due to my social anxiety issues - which were based on self pathology (that we have cognitive distortions and that toxic people do not exist and if I am in contact with difficult people that I simply need to be assertive with someone who is pathological liar and use coercive control and gaslighting and blame - and hence put more shame just for being in contact with such person). With CBT I never got to the central point of humanistic therapies: that states if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda or open overt ways to harm, cause pain to other people, if we are not anti-social, violent and damaging to other people - there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us. That trauma, fears, panic - are triggers from trauma, not personality trait nor persona flaw as CBT brainwash us to believe. Fear that CBT tries to push believing is actually trauma - and being traumatized is not the same as fear even though it appears as same and similar. When we are brainwashed with CBT idea that socially anxious are "afraid" - -we will develop more of self blame and toxic shame since we will be convinced that we are cowards and abnormal and weak, we will fuse our emotions with our self worth and lack of self worth. When on the other side - when we realize that trauma is not personality flaw nor part of persona and our identity - and that our identity is that we are empathic and HSP - there is no need to feel guilty and ashamed for being ourselves - even with trauma.
@What if you’ve done that but the alarm still lives in you? I think as intelligent, self aware, reflective individuals, we can see that we did the best we could with the what we were facing at the time. But those alarms are deeply rooted like a record groove in our bodies. We can acknowledge and accept that our child-self was not doing anything wrong - just trying to survive and get by. But it seems that to ‘undo’ that alarm, that groove, is going to be a very long, protracted process of steps forward and steps back. You’re talking about undoing decades of physically embodied feeling and reactions. There is no quick way to undo that.
That is one of the constants in life. If anyone sells you a quick fix to your problems. Immediately run away. 99.9% of the time you will be right. But I don't think that's the message here. It's looking back, getting a solid foundation under you, to build a better future you. Understanding the past and it's problems cognitively and emotionally, to know how to grow properly.
I know that 80% of my anxiety is caused by financial stress. I made great money from 2019-mid 2022, but my estranged wife was out if work but spent me broke. Even wiped out my life savings. Now I am dying inside due to not being able to pay my bills. Plus this years economy combined with my anxiety and depression has negatively affected my income stream… I just do not know how to get past this. I do not know if I can survive this . Plus I am loosing my wife because my weakness and OCD did not let me tell her no with the spending and now our marriage is in shambles ..all of our problems started with me thinking she was a narcissist and mistreating me and me pushing back.
Do you play the guitar? I do not as much as I used to with current depression but I push myself as much as I can to get it in a few times a week as I find music to be very therapeutic.
Hiya, loved your podcast with Dr Ranagan Chattergee, I can't find you on Insta, did you close your account? I tried going via your website but that doesn't work wither. Great work you're doing x
I have been following you for quite some time. I have read your book, and it feels like everything you say is spot on, at least with me. I am an emotional person, and i have had lots of abandonment and shameful issues. I have been dealing with anxiety for some time now, i followed what you recommended and accepted this is the way i am, and i just keep pushing forward.
I am suffering from anxiety since childhood and clinically since nearly 30 years. Parents both with cPTSD as I asume and worriers on their own and some childhood trauma made the conditions for it. I have listened to your book and regularily watch your videos and I feel I am healing for the first time in my 51 years of life. I am so grateful for your help you give us who suffer from severe anxiety. Thank you so much 🙏
I never knew that inner child means in psychology. I was convinced it was a version of me when I was a child.
It wasn't.
Inner child is Duckman. It is animation series from 1990s, with voice by George Constanza actor from Seinfeld.
The Duckman is annoying, irritating, narcissistic, egocentric character that uses sex as a way to feel good in life and he is rude and obnoxious to anyone around him - yet in each episode he re-discovers that being selfish is unhelpful and that he can care for others, it doesn't cost him anything to be kind.
I was repulsed by his character. Then I realized that he is a representation of inner child.
When we are self blaming and judging and feeling shame - we are feeling these emotions to such character inside us. That is Jung's Shadow. All the flaws inside us, all the errors and all the imperfections - that hang around since childhood and now are in adult stage - they are our inner child.
Instead of discipline and disgust, instead of judging and blaming, instead of shame and suppressing it - this character inside us needs our validation and special care, acceptance and listening to him, what he wants - instead of treating him like ugly animal that smells bad and you push it away from yourself.
Amazingly enough, when we realize our suppressed errors, flaws and imperfections is something that we embrace and understand and take care of and help grow and learn and teach it to become adult, in the same time we will have more understanding of difficult people in our life who are annoying to us but in the same time they are not too annoying so we never permanently cut contact with them. WE can actually start to listen to them what they are trying to vocalize unsuccessfully and show them minimum amount of care instead of disgust towards them.
I listened to this four time then journaled to some of the questions posed. An hour later I let out an audible sigh. It feels good to like all aspects of myself, if only for that hour. Thank you for the prompting.
Many thanks to my favorite Doctor.
What a relief to hear this! My childhood was living in fear and blaming myself. I was always told I was to sensitive! Been to dozens of therapists who are taught how to deal
with depression and anxiety! It never worked. Everyone of my therapists had advice but never been anxious or depressed themselves, at least that's what they said.
Of course meds help the symptoms. Refreshing to hear this! Thanks
Which meds helped you the most?😅
Half way through your book😊
That was like a 19 minute therapy session! So much in that video.
Bless. Someone who dislikes the phrase unconditional love as much as I do.
Personally, my experience has been that it isn't me that blames/shames myself, Other's do... For example, when I was 7 and my father started sexually abusing me, I told my mom... My mom's and my relationship was never the same after... She had a deep fear of being "abandoned" and it felt like she blamed me... My resentment over my mother "blaming me" was greater than the actual abuse itself (least to me)... Seemed to me that anyone I told, also did the same... I can't fix Other's... I can only change how I react to them🤗🤗🤗
Its hard for mw to hear some of your videos because it just hits the right spot i get chestpains and sometimes i cry
But i need to confront this
My ego doesnt like it my ego has pushed me to become a heroic female and doesnt tolerate this innocent sensitive child but i have ro find my child i have to give her the love she needs...thank u.i am from iran i wish i was in your country and could have some counsling with u
I became submissive as a child, so as not to cause any ripples in the pond, then my dad might not keep walking out and abandon me or if I keep putting mummy’s needs before mine then she won’t die and leave me, now I am alone it feels like the abandonment has come true and the uncertainty of how will I survive in fear of what the day might bring is always with me especially when I wake each morning
this is the best or most direct episode since you started! this is the core or crux of all thats good or bad in ones life! well done and perfectly communicated!
Hey Russ, it feels shameful to have sex early because our attachment system is wired to connect with ideally one person for life and stay attached. So I feel the shame is good to feel face a embrace and say thank you attachment system for showing me my body doesn’t want this sex. My body wants safe secure connection.
Shame is not bad it’s very very good feedback
Very well said
Thank you for be so spot on, you help me sooo much.
Sexual abuse of children is not about sex-love, it's about violence.
THANK YOU DR. KENNEDY
So right! Jesus said “ let the little children come to me and forbid them not for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” and I really believe he was not talking just about their physical bodies, because just like you said they need to know that they were made to be loved unconditionally
I have that core belief too. That Everything is going to be taken away
When I discovered Humanistic psychology I encountered this self validation concept which was unknown, mysterious and strange to grasp. Until then I was only instructed by CBT due to my social anxiety issues - which were based on self pathology (that we have cognitive distortions and that toxic people do not exist and if I am in contact with difficult people that I simply need to be assertive with someone who is pathological liar and use coercive control and gaslighting and blame - and hence put more shame just for being in contact with such person).
With CBT I never got to the central point of humanistic therapies: that states if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda or open overt ways to harm, cause pain to other people, if we are not anti-social, violent and damaging to other people - there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us. That trauma, fears, panic - are triggers from trauma, not personality trait nor persona flaw as CBT brainwash us to believe. Fear that CBT tries to push believing is actually trauma - and being traumatized is not the same as fear even though it appears as same and similar.
When we are brainwashed with CBT idea that socially anxious are "afraid" - -we will develop more of self blame and toxic shame since we will be convinced that we are cowards and abnormal and weak, we will fuse our emotions with our self worth and lack of self worth.
When on the other side - when we realize that trauma is not personality flaw nor part of persona and our identity - and that our identity is that we are empathic and HSP - there is no need to feel guilty and ashamed for being ourselves - even with trauma.
absolutely brilliant, thankyou.
Chaos was normal
Over burdened over responsibility from 2-3
Beautiful message! ❤
Superb, this really speaks to me thanks ❤
@What if you’ve done that but the alarm still lives in you? I think as intelligent, self aware, reflective individuals, we can see that we did the best we could with the what we were facing at the time. But those alarms are deeply rooted like a record groove in our bodies. We can acknowledge and accept that our child-self was not doing anything wrong - just trying to survive and get by. But it seems that to ‘undo’ that alarm, that groove, is going to be a very long, protracted process of steps forward and steps back. You’re talking about undoing decades of physically embodied feeling and reactions. There is no quick way to undo that.
That is one of the constants in life. If anyone sells you a quick fix to your problems. Immediately run away. 99.9% of the time you will be right. But I don't think that's the message here. It's looking back, getting a solid foundation under you, to build a better future you. Understanding the past and it's problems cognitively and emotionally, to know how to grow properly.
I know that 80% of my anxiety is caused by financial stress. I made great money from 2019-mid 2022, but my estranged wife was out if work but spent me broke. Even wiped out my life savings. Now I am dying inside due to not being able to pay my bills. Plus this years economy combined with my anxiety and depression has negatively affected my income stream…
I just do not know how to get past this. I do not know if I can survive this . Plus I am loosing my wife because my weakness and OCD did not let me tell her no with the spending and now our marriage is in shambles ..all of our problems started with me thinking she was a narcissist and mistreating me and me pushing back.
Socio-economic issues play a huge role in mental health.
Do you play the guitar? I do not as much as I used to with current depression but I push myself as much as I can to get it in a few times a week as I find music to be very therapeutic.
holy smokes. mind. blown.
Hiya, loved your podcast with Dr Ranagan Chattergee, I can't find you on Insta, did you close your account? I tried going via your website but that doesn't work wither. Great work you're doing x