Why We Sometimes Try to Make Our Partner Sad
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ก.พ. 2019
- It sounds odd but there are times when we deliberately want to make our partner sad, not because we are evil, but because their cheeriness leaves us feeling abandoned and isolated. The dynamic isn't mature, but it's certainly worthy of analysis - and a little education.
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FURTHER READING
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“There is a kind of argument that begins with one partner deliberately - and for no immediately obvious reason - attempting to spoil the good mood and high spirits of the other. The cheerful partner may be cooking a cake for their visiting nephew or whistling a tune while they rearrange the kitchen.
They may be making plans for the weekend or discussing what fun it will be to see an old school friend again soon. Or they may be expressing unusual optimism about their professional future and financial prospects.”
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Am I the only one that sees the cartoon as being a lill bit sexist!? The discourse is neutral, but the video shows a singe narrative in witch the girl is ”the crazy one” and the boy is ”the ok one”. Maybe in examples where gender is not a topic, you could make the characters neutral or use two concomitant narratives. :D
What is the best course of action when your partner tries to make you sad for these reasons?
Beautiful video
great channel - but please stop autotranslating your titles into the language of the viewer. :/
It is super annoying and disrespectful to international people who watch your videos. Which percentage of international viewers do you think use subtitles in their language? If I watch a video in english, why would I want a german title below it? It is irritating and for others in the worst case I guess it is just clickbaity! I know you think you are doing good with this and google thought this feature through - but they didn't and it really sucks!
Negativity is the most addictive drug of all time. It's so sad to see people try and destroy people that they love for not even knowing what they're doing.
Mentor My Life
False: Love is far more addictive. Side affects suck though.
Mentor My Life
It’s more important to be open to the concept that we all are not “good people” but that we aim to be “Goodish” people.
So we can take feed back that this happens.
I think school of life is secretly monitoring my life😐
Same
Ditto
Nah you’re just human. Super flawed but good at acting like you’re not and hating things that remind you lol. I’m with you.
And TH-cam too x_x
yeah like every time i get through something there's an answer from the school of life)
Negative energy is always a reflection of the insecurity of their own experience in life. ask them whats causing their emotions, don’t respond anger with anger.
That is so difficult to do tho. Because their anger is making you sad/insecure, and to sort of protect yourself you want to become defensive/angry. Also, asking them what is wrong in the midst of their anger, can be more rageinducing. I find it best to have a moment to control yourself, take a deep breath and letting the moment slide. Then after a coolingperiod for however long that may take, confront them in a calming, kind and gentle manner.
I have that problem not with my partner, but with a co-worker. What do I do in an invironment where I can't talk openly and freely? I'm new and have in other situations noticed that he kind of lacks social skills and can't be trusted because he snaps when he has a bad day.
Anne Mehlfeld take your time, schedule a 1 on 1 talk with him and don’t blame him but talk from your own experience. ‘I have trouble with..’ dont attack him but think solutions.
Yup
yes, use the ,,set up.system,, , support, empathy, truth. it works.
When my gf was off to vacation with her family, I was afraid her happiness might make her forget to keep giving me love via texting. But I didn't try to ruin her fun, instead I fully admitted my fear to her by telling her: "I am really happy, you have such an amazing time, my cutie, but pls never forget to love me very much, despite having perfect days without me :')"
And you know what? She made sure to let me be part of her joy and love for me everyday in a wonderful and lovely way. :')
Always address your feelings, desires and fears! :)
This is so cute :')
Your gf is so lucky!
Bit needy
One solution: communication - I believe your example proves that communication is key ;)
That' a wonderful example! Your girlfriend is very lucky indeed.
It's a bad thing to project our negativity onto others, but unfortunately, in that moment, we feel that is the best decision at that given time.
Alina Lopez, Alexis Texas, Remy Lacroix
Yet so many of us do... I was guilty of it for a long time. Now at least I'm aware of it and try to actually do something about it
That's so true. Exactly what I'm feeling now
*When we are feeling so bad inside of us so that we sometimes project that onto others.*
I hate to admit it but this is me. I’ve done this so many times...
wow. At least I understand fully why I do it now. I always kind of knew, but having someone spell it out means now I can consciously remember this every time I am feeling insecure and alone while my partner is peppy and joyful.
It’s surprising I can be this way because I really want my partner to be happy. And his happiness has made me very happy too many times. But sometimes when I’m extra sad and my partner seems oblivious to it, I pick fights with him but really I just want his love and comfort. And at the moment, his joyfulness makes me feel so distant from him.
Communication! That’s the antidote. Get rid of that pride and ego, and communicate how vulnerable you/I feel.
Really true and I am surprised that many commentators have not picked up on it; and it applies it relationships outside of romantic ones, such as friends, co-workers and class mates. It happened to me badly at school for 2 years, I always felt different and unable to fit in and fely very lonely and hence frustrated and I particularly diskliked those who were TOO positive, i just hated it. All i wanted and needed were good friends.
I needed this video today. Cant even explain the timing of needing this.
This was a weird video. While I don’t think that people who do this are monsters, I just think that the reason they do this is more simplistic: they don’t know how to control or handle their emotions so they act them out. Toddlers do this all the time; temper tantrums. And when adults never fully emotionally develop for one reason or another (trauma, emotionally neglectful parents, or coddling parents) they often behave this way; blow up over small things, pick fights, nag, anything to gauge a reaction really.... For them, it’s much easier to displace an emotion, insecurity or a bad day on the partner than it is identify and own these uncomfortable feelings, and then communicate them. Usually these unstable partners see the more level-headed partner as a “safe space” and a bottomless pit of tolerance (kinda like a surrogate parent), and so they feel like they can act and say whatever they want and the partner will forgive them or try to figure out their emotions for them, compared to their friends or associates who will simply stop talking to them. It’s not just romantic relationships either, parents, friends and relatives can be the same way
I agree
yeah, i feel you're right & completed what this video failed to describe.
can i ask- what did you mean by 'level-headed partners'
Insightful indeed
I don't agree with every school of life video, and debates are healthy, but I think you're missing the point of this video. If you re-watch it, notice the narrator is talking about a more specific situation when one partner is in a good, bubbly, happy, excited mood and the other partner says or does something to upset and ruin this bad mood. I think this is more specific to what you are describing about toddler's and an inability to control and stabilize emotions. This actually happened to me today, I was in a really good mood after having dinner with my girlfriend. We were walking in the street and I was making jokes and dancing and expressing my excitement. Out of nowhere she said something to upset me and it completely threw me off (we've only been dating for 6 months so I am still getting to know her). But my mood was immediately ruined and I responded with anger. I went quiet and then said to her 'why would you say something like that's. Then I left without saying goodbye. She seemed apologetic but after watching this video I have more insight and I know better to not react with frustration next time.
This explains why my ex hated my high spirits...
If it was only understood that your high spirits was a Reflection of your determination to make it a priority to get through what ever negative moment you may have even been in at that very moment of being high spirited.
i think there's a point that it becomes toxic, so you're better off with someone who is able to handle you better.
Ya'll saying this is nonsense, are missing the point and being totally unaware of the times you've been the emotionally toxic one.
The whole point of the channel is to be aware of the myriad of emotions that play inside us. Not to take the high and mighty road. I've been both a victim of this and the one doing it but because of shows like this, it helps me take emotional accountability.
At some point in life, we're all going to experience something similar but it's good to have the knowledge before that time comes. That's the only point of these videos.
We're all human, and if one human can be a certain way then we all can. It just takes perspective and empathy to see that. We all have our variables.
Emotional accountability is key!
If a normal person does this(not a vampire), it might be simply because he wants to lower partner's self-esteem, because he is insecure and scared if loosing the partner.
first last yes he said "he" i got ya
+first last yes, of course, I meant both genders. I thought that sometimes the masculine pronoun includes meaning of both if it's clear from the context. Definitely, it does not matter whether a man or a woman behaves like this, it is a common problem
Sometimes it isn't even about losing the partner, but the insecurity can sometimes stem from feeling that you can never be carefree or happy like your partner (in the present moment) and you will always overthink and/or be riddled with anxiety about life or certain situations and therefore, you lash out, not with fear, but envy.
is nobody going to bring up the vampire part?
@@maYTeus no.
We always hurt the ones we love because we can't hurt the ones we don't !
Not true we always hurt the poeple we love doesn't mean we can't hurt other
@@Embracing_Impermanance He means that people who get hurt most, have a great emotional attachment to us.
@@osse1n it may be true that poeple close to us will hurt us more but it doesn't mean others can't
the assumption being that you've got to hurt someone! haha, how ridiculous, stupid stranger on the internet.
Chris I think she just means that you can’t hurt someone who is ambivalent towards you.
This life is for loving, sharing, learning, smiling, caring, forgiving, laughing, hugging, helping, dancing, wondering, healing, and even more loving. I choose to live life this way
I always felt like this was such a manipulative trait I had
I was like smiling through the whole video because I realized that I was like watching myself on this video.
I get angry easily every time he does even just a small mistake and I believe that the reason why is that, I really want the reassurance that no matter how bad or moody I am he will still try his best to understand and willing to adjust just to make things better.
It’s like that saying; misery loves company
So instead of getting onto the cheerful train of your partner with them, you're too selfish, bitter, and party-poopery that you tie your partner with you on the train's tracks.
Huh, this one was quick and very insightful. Time to put some lessons to practice.
Cláudio R. Alina Lopez, Alexis Texas, melanie rios
@school of life, I love watching your videos! How often did I watch them and find myself in it? You've pointed out each and every single one of my (how it seems) endless flaws, and yet I don't feel uncomfortable by it. Maybe it's because you guys don't do it in a "blaming someone" kind of way. Instead, you remain loving, emphathetic and with a sweet way of showing solutions to a problem.
By watching your videos I learnt so many things about myself, especially that I'm NOT a bad person or a monster, but rather an adult with an emotionally deeply hurt child inside that shows off everytime it feels threatened in any way.
THANK YOU for understanding and for your loving help. I feel like a decent human being again. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
I’m currently experiencing this thing with my bf. I was promoted at my work last week and he was quite happy for me at that time, but now he’s acting very cold, very “meh”-ish about everything 😒🙄😑 just like these emojis. He seems like he’s not very interested in our daily communication and physical contact (even hugs, he’s not even looking at me). I’m trying to make jokes/cook his favorite dishes/be merry and cheerful/be supportive but the situations doesn’t change. I feel myself like an empty space for him but I don’t show my feelings because he acts like he doesn’t care. Sorry for this I just have nobody to talk with about it (my friends and family think that I’m super lucky to have him). And sorry for my English - it’s not my even second language lol
Upd! We broke up. He said sometimes couples break up for no reasons. He said literally nothing: no reasons, no what was wrong! He said that at some point of our relationship he wanted to marry me. I knew something wasn’t right at all but I thought it was just crisis in our relationships that we ought to go through but obviously it was the break coming up. We were together for 5 years. I don’t need a guy who was afraid to marry me and who wasn’t afraid to say that he doesn’t love me anymore FOR NO FUCKING REASONS 🤬
Thank you all 🙌🏼 didn’t expect so much support
Well maybe your bf SEEMED to be happy at your promotion . But as the consequences of it sink in, he's starting to become resentful and jealous. STOP pandering to him, as it's only making things worse. He SHOULD be mature and tell you how he feels, but unfortunately he isn't and is acting out.
You can I) behave as normal and ignore his behaviour or ii) be direct and ask him what is going on and if your promotion is at the root of it.
You can't be expected to read his mind.
How about talking to him? Pick a quiet moment for the both of you and tell him how you feel.
Proper communication is the key to almost EVERYTHING.
And until you don't know what goes on in your friends head you can't find a solution.
💜
Maybe he feels pressured, my advice is for you to focus on you and work and give him some time to adjust to the changes and be alone. I think he cares for you, I wish you the best luck!
Not sure if you're on reddit at all, but r/relationships is a super supportive community. They might have insightful answers for you, though a couple of the responses here are also good ^^
ryro ryro I’d talk about with him, if he doesn’t listen, then maybe couples’ therapy and after that I’d just leave. He seems emotionally unavailable
Everyone who suffer from low self esteem would trying to make his/her partner sad in order to receive more attention
It's something that can be so unintentional but it hurts just the same
Absolutely not!!! I don’t tolerate it! My spouse used to do this early on without noticing - not evil stuff just little household complaints at the top of the morning (when I’m generally on Cloud nine) ...
I also noticed during this time I was in my own world and not the most affectionate. It’s an unacceptable form of attention seeking in most cases to make a negative/naggy comment at the worst times. So I made a rule: NO menial shit, ever AND, I show some affection in the morning.
People want you to be as miserable as they are. Dont let them
Yup
👍
The only way to feel truly and completely loved is when we are honest with ourselves and others - with all our flaws and vulnerabilities. This video made me remember the importance of this! Thanks
I have never tried to make a partner sad. I can't even fathom wanting to do that.
Several years ago, my then-wife (we have since divorced) behaved much this way - negative, unhappy, and seemingly often tried to make me as sad and depressed as her. This video explains at least a portion of the dynamic that was happening. Thanks.
I Needed this video today.
Sometimes it's so weird that you pass through a tough time and life gives you subtle hints on how to tackle it...
Thank you School of Life, for existing.
Thank you for this!The animation is awesome as usual
Yes yes, the animation is incredibly cute! It makes you feel empathy for both sides and feel compassion for yourself as well. That's the greatness of art!
Very true, these videos are so genuinely valuable. Thank you.
It’s official...someone is able to hear my conversations via my phone.
I had not considered this before - thank you. What a valuable observation!
I've done this!! But I got confronted and ever since I've been searching to figure out what's wrong with me. This video explains me to me. I've been observing my every thought and act for the past couple weeks and I've been able to make wiser decisions. Pick my battles and express only serious issues rather than being a best over anything. Wow it feels great to gain knowledge and be able to apply it to myself. And those around me. Thankyou school of life
A great reminder that communication is the key.
Thank you. I needed this.
You're like this wise old grandparent I love listening to. Your voice is so soothing and reassuring ♡
Thank you for this. I needed it.
Wow what a beautiful emotional intelligence and acceptance that you offer us. I thought I was the only one. Now I understand myself better. Thank you a million times.
I really needed this video.
This applied very well for a friend who I loved. Seeing him bubbly and content most of the time made me feel that I didn’t fully know who he was. He was quite private and didn’t share much of his emotions, so I was negative at times to get his reaction.
this is mindblowingly accurate.
It's because we love them and we don't project negatively we just try to share our thoughts and opinions so that they can understand us better. It's the misunderstandings , impatience, intolerance, self pride and ego are what make us feel our partner is hurting us which should not be there in a relationship which is based on true love.
We should note that since we have born we have lived half of our lives with our parents and there have been so many conflicts, fights, arguments, troubles but after all this we love them unconditionally and accept for who they are even if we feel the pain a lot of times but why can't we do that with our partners? Is love so weak that we can't compromise on little things and make relationships work?
Your videos always correlate with my current situations
and again, a new video at the right time. The School of Life seems to be watching me.
Girlfriend left me recently. We love each other, but we get miserable over time living together and I think we did what is shown in this video to each other fairly often.
She would often remark how I was so happy around friends, and why I would light up in the company of others. She would look physically uncomfortable being in the same room with me having a good time with a friend.
I became a pushover over time and would just be quick to agree with whatever she wanted from the relationship over time because putting forward my preferences would end the conversation due to her getting emotional all too often if it wasn't what she wanted.
Everything in the relationship were increasingly on her terms. Where and if we stayed together, what sexual positions we would do, what food and supplements I could buy (even for myself), wanted me to sell my computer and peripheries when it is a hobby of mine...man it just wears you down to a husk. I'm no angel, but I was never unfaithful, never rose my voice at her, never insulted her or made a joke at her expense.
Even though this is the second time she has left (physically and in partnership) my suggestion that we have our own space and try to work through this might help was shut down. It's her terms or nothing. Love fucks you up. I wish there was an off switch sometimes.
Same history with me :o
@@vernem1808 let's hug it out stranger
I hope you’re doing better now (:
lovely animations, as always! 👍🏻
Again, completely spot on. 🙏🏽👍🏽 Where was this when I was young and growing up?
Been on the receiving end of this and it hurts.
Do people actually purposely set out to hurt their partners? Is this a normal thing? I've never felt the need to hurt the person I love. Wow.
Oh the timing of my feelings just sorta out right now after I watch this video. TSoL always gets me.
Thank you and now I understand. Emotions are just a part of us that we need to understand too. So I always tell to my other half on what's going on or something's not right.
I used to feel because of this a partner was always in a competition of sorts, when I felt we were a team. I didn't understand this concept. This will help in the future.
This hit so close to home I'm now sobbing.
I've learnt so much through this channel :)
Love the new animation style!
A good mood is not a barrier to communication but an opportunity to express something that has been bothering us for a while.
wow .. i did something like that day before yesterday.
Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom ❤
The whole point boils down to when you get to the 4min point..They just want to be reassured...If that doesn't work..It's a deeper issue.
Very meaningful content.
And you are right on time.
If only I could remember everything from this channel.
Well here I'm replying to your months old comment so you may learn it again!
And again….
Awesome and informative video
lovely animation, wow
Wow the animation is adorable! Bravo to the animators.
Just me! Thanks.
Very subtle part of one's married life ...very well articulated as usual ..
The illustrations are so cute ❤
Everyone has indulged in this once or even multiple times involuntarily but we should strive to do the mature thing.
Interesting.. i never thought of it that way..
Misery loves company. Simple as that. Ahh if only it were as simple as that.
This is quite interesting. I've actually been single for a while, but I can certainly notice this dynamic playing out sometimes in my family (between themselves and also between me and them).
Interesting topic
Sorry to say that but . Most people after doing an outbreak on the others dont even apologie. And even if they do . They repeat the same mistake Over and Over again. It will come a time that the person will not be able to stand this anymore. Thats why coples part their ways
I keep seeing this behaviour from one of my parents towards the other. It can be so frustrating to watch and most of the arguments so avoidable. What can I do to help?
ice crystal I’m afraid that if I make the parent on the receiving end of this treatment aware while the one actually causing this behaviour remains unaware and becomes all shocked and angrier at the responses, it will be worse.
Thank you for this, I thought I was the one thats being so distant with the thing I have to do with my life. Yknow friends, family time and sports.
Utter selfishness. I have been on the receiving end of this behaviour, with countless 'happy times' including my birthday, a promotion or special days out spoilt that I want out of the relationship now. Watching the pathetic explanation behind this way of acting does not help at all.
lol this is me, avoiding relationships till i better myself cause i do stuff like this
Nice
Many people try to make their partner feel bad to vent they’re frustrated energy. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Thankyou School of Life :))
school of life always gives me relief. Like nothing else in the world :D
Sadness and anger are just
emotions it takes control of
them to have balance within
I actually never had this one. I am always happy if my partner is happy.
Except for when my partner is happy about something I associate with something negative.
Cant escape relationship issues yet the real hardship is within to where even with understanding actions never change
Omg! The part where she throws the devil in the trunk was priceless! XD
I've done that before, said something needlessly cruel apropos of nothing (perhaps because I thought it would be more funny or clever than mean) but it only seen as antagonistic (because it was).
Truly, it makes me sad to think about...
Oh that makes sense of my ex-gf’s behavior. If I maintained my cool, she’d poke harder and harder until I broke. Still not entirely sure how I should’ve responded. 😔 I suppose we eventually stopped filling each other’s needs and I ended it after several months of trying to cope and work things out.
I will make a conscious effort to stay away from negative toxic people
Man I feel like I always find the depressing versions of these school of life videos
Perfection is just an illusion that
people desire. Getting over the
nonsense and dealing with our
problems is what makes us happy
and better than if we did not at all.
pity and understanding is the virtue of the happy person
fantastic video and fantastic visuals
This happened to me and I never understood it before
Is it because you're jealous And in secure. Or selfish
you're assuming i'm the perpetrator for some reason @@debbiewilder4738
I think this might on some level be the same thing as the kind of intrusive thoughts most people have every now and then, like wanting to kick a dog or punch a baby. it makes one feel insane and evil, but it's surprisingly common to have those thoughts (I know when I was told it's not just me who has those thoughts I breathed a huge sigh of relief.) it's also a form of self sabotage, I think. a person might not want their partner to be happy because they themself might not feel worthy of being happy. I don't think any normal person WANTS to hurt their partner, no more than they actually want to kick a dog. if someone actually likes being cruel, that's a different story altogether.
I cannot even fathom this concept of trying to make someone else sad. I've been with a narcissistic man for years he sabotaged and done so many badd things that I can't even imagine that it was because he was sad it seems like he was just selfish. Maybe 2 totally different things.
amazing film and thought as always. thank you :) and i want to ask emm is texting important in relationship? especially if you are in long distance relationship, how importance is texting? sometimes receive a text from someone you like, its a good indicator that they care about you.i am curious what the school of life will think about this thing. and also how to tell if someone really loves you? is there any psychology indication just to know if someone truly loves you?
We are only human, but sometimes
that's all it takes to ruin everything
Or is that all it takes to make
us realize what we need to fix
and make things better for
ourselves and our partners.
The devil tied up in the car trunk made me laugh so hard! 😂
People who do this are mostly incapable of love. What they think is “love” is more simply a jealous struggle for possession, which in many ways is love’s opposite. What is sad, if anything about this, is that it probably represents a vast majority of committed relationships. All those people should run out and get the best apartment they can afford on their own, and start buying Soup for One. I suspect most of them will do no such thing.
Hi guys, who writes these if you don’t mind me asking. They are so succinct and well written. I think you’re a team but the style is always the same!
I'm positively surprised by this video. You're usually talking all about making moves and thinking and get the best. But this is different. Although you used the term "make a move" which I wouldn't use this way, it has a noble content. To not see the others as monsters, but rather see the monsters within them and within us. I like that thank you