So weird to read all negative comments for a brilliant mind like Terry Real. "I don't want to talk about it" is one of the best and most useful books I have ever read.
The clown solved his problems... at the expense of weaker (dependent) women and children. His long-term journey to reverse the educational process was an act of selfishness. This is a typical problem of psychologists, for which they should be hanged on a dry branch - they put the interests of the individual above the interests of society. This boy who plays with a hero doll knows very well what a hero needs to be tough - to fight effectively, this smart clown doesn't understand it. There was a simpler way to heal his wound, it would have taken 20 minutes, which is what it takes for lost boys in my office, from which they leave reassured, confident, and with a cheerful look, non-rebellious young men. You can see it in their eyes. They need to be explained WHY THEY SHOULD BE THE WAY, WHY THEY SHOULD SACRIFICE THEIR LIFE: "5% loss of young women in the population = extinction of the population, during WW2 80% of 20 year old boys in the USSR died, and these nations exist, that's why you stupid shit you have to be tough and learn to ignore emotions, otherwise our tribe will die out, not fair? It's not a sports competition or school exams! Our tribe is supposed to survive even at your expense! It's amazing but any boy or man will immediately accept their sacrifice and do it with a smile on their face IF THEY KNOW WHY! (there are numerous examples, e.g. from the Civil War)
Terry is an expert in the psychology of relationships. His comments and practices are WAY AHEAD of his time. They are above the fixed ideas of the Dunning/Kruger candidates below.
Wow. The comments below actually do more to prove the overall message not disprove it. None of us with a leg up in the world that comes of nothing we've achieved ourselves understands how it would "feel" to not have it. No matter how hard we may try. Acknowledging that takes a good deal of humility. Yes, people have different experiences, but that's where we speak from. The Buddha taught different ways of living according to one's geography and Jesus hung out with the worst "offenders". From my side, I'm learning to let go of whatever I defend as absolute and try on the potential view of others. What I've seen, is there's always a person, group or system that is running interference in others' ability to express themselves fully (while causing no harm). It's relatively easy to see who and what sits at the top when I allow my story to drop off and take in a wider deeper view. Not everyone can do that, or is willing to even try.
This man has some brilliant insights, and you just have to overlook the intense bombardment of politics and take in the truth you need. Human beings (like he might say!) are vulnerable and can't do everything well. Richard Schwartz's internal family systems/parts work book, No Bad Parts, is the same way -- just ignore the politics if you don't share them. Imho.... would I prefer they left them at the door? Yes. Also do women need help with vulnerability and communication and wise self control? Of course!
It took 6 minutes for this author to destroy any credibility. We are all equally oppressed by a technocratic oligarchy. Your "patriarchy" comment shows us who you are working for & it's NOT your readers!
I love Terry Real but I’m horrified that he referred to ‘non binary children’. There is NO SUCH THING, that is a neurotic creation of emotionally immature adults who believe that women don’t exist. If he’s so into patriarchy, can’t he see the misogyny inherent in gender ideology? Stop tip toeing around woke fascists by pretending to adopt their distorted idea of reality because you’re afraid of inciting their disapproval and being cancelled.
Agree. He offers a lot of simplistic progressive nonsense about men and "the patriarchy." Always amazes me how many therapists have such black-and-white simplistic diagnosis of things.
This speaker seems to be more interested in feminist ideology than in the real lived experience of men. Men come from a variety of experiences and backgrounds. Some, perhaps older men or those who grew up in conservative cultures, may have experienced some of the issues that he is speaking about. But for younger men who have grown up in a culture drenched in feminism, the problems are the opposite. The core thing is, as a therapist you shouldn't be coming into the room with ideological expectations and stereotypes. If you client has been harmed by expectations of masculinity, then work with that. But not all men have, and many find masculinity beneficial. You need to be able to work with them without shaming them for their masculinity. I wouldn't trust this therapist to do that. I'm quite sensitive/emotional and never was told to be otherwise, or taught about traditional masculinity. Unfortunately this has left me unbalanced and made it difficult to get a girlfriend. Now as an adult I'm leaning more into masculinity and finding it hugely beneficial and a source of inner strength, and a good complement to my sensitivity and emotional intelligence. We all need to express both vulnerability and strength, at different times. The comment that men don't need to be empowered was particularly offensive - have you ever met a shy, anxious teenage boy? That's exactly what they need as well as relationship and good trauma-healing work. If you take away sources of masculine strength from boys, and shame them for masculinity in the name of feminism, you're doing huge harm. The speaker constantly stereotypes men - as closed off, unable to connect emotionally, etc. This doesn't describe any men I know. This kind of anti-male stereotyping is typical of feminism, where men are portrayed as violent, dangerous, power-hungry etc. Much of the shame I have experienced is directly linked to absorbing feminist messages over the past 10 years. The speaker is adding to this shaming of men and masculinity. It's also worth noticing that when men are stoic and closed off it is often done in service of others, to stay strong so they don't have to. Men are strong *for others*. "Under patriarchy men are only allowed two feelings - anger and lust" - Both of those feelings are highly stigmatised in men in progressive society, while celebrated in women. It may have been different in the past, but feminism has dominated so much that things are opposite to what you say. For example, I have never once seen an article or media piece celebrating or saying positive things about male sexuality, but there are plenty doing that for women. Many men need to access anger and lust because they have been so suppressed, particularly with the all the shaming of them coming from feminist society. The speaker is also really self promotional - extensive pitches at the begining, and then "go look up my course" etc weaved throughout the talk. Men: if you are suffering, seek out a good therapist, good friends, perhaps a (non-woke) mens group. There are therapists (including female therapists) who are not anti-male and who will be happy to help you heal and connect with your masculinity.
“The essence of traditional masculinity is disconnection. We disconnect from our feelings and needs. We disconnect from others. We call that autonomy and independence, and the cost of disconnection in boyhood is a disconnected adult man. The healing move is not empowerment (a lot of men are falsely empowered too empowered)the healing move is reconnection” How is this not an accurate representation? Our vulnerability as men is shamed in our society. We can not express our full range of emotions without consequence. and it is the case that anger, competition and lust are the only acceptable emotions. This will catch up to you. Read some attachment theory and heal. There are some good lectures online by Alan Schore on youtube on the neurobiology of the attachment to the infant and child.
@@sonnyobrien I'm very aware of attachment theory and have worked with it extensively in therapy and in my relationships. My attachment issues are not due to being a man, or being taught traditional masculinity, or anything like that. They are due to a particular relational trauma and its consequences. This is what I mean by making assumptions from a place of ideology - you assume because I criticised the speaker that I haven't done any healing work, don't know about attachment theory, etc. The patronising "this will catch up with you" as if you can diagnose me from me from a couple of comments. "anger, competition and lust are the only acceptable emotions" -- it's my experience that these emotions are the ones that are most shamed in men, particularly by feminists. Accessing these has been an important part of my healing and counteracting the feminist programming that says these are unacceptable. Another example is that I cry easily but have never been told not to cry or shamed for my vulnerability. “The essence of traditional masculinity is disconnection. We disconnect from our feelings and needs. We disconnect from others. We call that autonomy and independence, and the cost of disconnection in boyhood is a disconnected adult man. The healing move is not empowerment (a lot of men are falsely empowered too empowered)the healing move is reconnection” -- I just haven't experienced that. Perhaps you have, but your experience doesn't apply to everyone. On the point "a lot of men are falsely empowered" - not me and not men I know. Maybe men at the top of society, but many men I've known in my life have been unsure of themselves, underconfident, etc. And in my experience it's feminists who want to disconnect men from their feelings and needs because certain feelings and needs are seen as dangerous and not allowed. We need to accept, nurture, and integrate every aspect of ourselves, and find connection, love, acceptance, empowerment, mascunility, healing trauma, etc. And one key part of finding connection is connecting with other men in male-only spaces. But many feminists don't like male-only spaces, and have worked to dismantle them. Or they're only happy if the male spaces are explicitly pro-feminist. I've had some skeptical comments from social justicy people when I mention mens groups, for example. The problem here is that people are generalising too much from narrow ranges of experience. I know there are men for whom the speaker's picture fits. But my point is that it's not all men, and it particularly applies less to young men in politically progressive environments, like myself. For us, the bigger problem has been specific childhood traumas, not traditional masculinity. And then the feminist view just doesn't fit and often makes the problem worse because it stigmatises men's natural masculinity.
TL:DR its your fault guys. Harmony is not for you. Symbiosis is not for you. Conform, have no personal dreams, thoughts, feelings, nothing. You primitive.
Terry's diagnosis of the human problem as patriarchy and as being rooted in the myth of the individual is facile in the extreme. to be an individual does not mean that one exists in separation from others as he falsely claims. It means rather that we each have our own internal subjective experience of life as well as our unique physical experience which is what allows relationship to happen in the first place between different people. No one in our culture believes that individualism means that we don't exist along with others or in relationship to them. I have never had a patient who suffers from this absurd caricature of individualism. Then he says that rooted in our patriarchal individualism is our belief that we are both separate from nature and to dominate nature. This is another piece of cliched nonsense about the Western experience. Terry's claim that patriarchy means that men are raised to believe in having power over others especially women is nonsense. So is the claim that people with relationship problems are suffering from the individualistic belief that they're supposed to control nature. men and women everywhere struggle with difficulties of communication negotiation and empathy in their relationships including gay and lesbian people. These problems exist in human nature from east to west and have little to do with these cliched explanations from the college gender studies class.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL, boy do make huge generalizations. "No one in our culture believes," How do you know what every one in all the cultures of the world believes. Have you spoken to all 8 Billion people on the planet. Again, "that men are raised to think that they have power over woman." Go back to the 20th century where woman had to fight to get the vote and still today, maybe be prevented from voting by societal norms, harassment and violence at the polls, or pressure from their husbands. Only 30 years ago I was told what my duties were as a wife , after I married into a farming family. Duties to my husband and then the duties of my son when he grew up. This is in Australia. I suggest Michael you have very very narrow life experiences. I suggest instead of making such generalised statements from such a narrow view of life that you listen and learn. You might become a better doctor. At present you sound like a educated narcissistic smart aleck.
So weird to read all negative comments for a brilliant mind like Terry Real. "I don't want to talk about it" is one of the best and most useful books I have ever read.
The clown solved his problems... at the expense of weaker (dependent) women and children. His long-term journey to reverse the educational process was an act of selfishness. This is a typical problem of psychologists, for which they should be hanged on a dry branch - they put the interests of the individual above the interests of society. This boy who plays with a hero doll knows very well what a hero needs to be tough - to fight effectively, this smart clown doesn't understand it. There was a simpler way to heal his wound, it would have taken 20 minutes, which is what it takes for lost boys in my office, from which they leave reassured, confident, and with a cheerful look, non-rebellious young men. You can see it in their eyes. They need to be explained WHY THEY SHOULD BE THE WAY, WHY THEY SHOULD SACRIFICE THEIR LIFE: "5% loss of young women in the population = extinction of the population, during WW2 80% of 20 year old boys in the USSR died, and these nations exist, that's why you stupid shit you have to be tough and learn to ignore emotions, otherwise our tribe will die out, not fair? It's not a sports competition or school exams! Our tribe is supposed to survive even at your expense! It's amazing but any boy or man will immediately accept their sacrifice and do it with a smile on their face IF THEY KNOW WHY! (there are numerous examples, e.g. from the Civil War)
Terry is an expert in the psychology of relationships. His comments and practices are WAY AHEAD of his time. They are above the fixed ideas of the Dunning/Kruger candidates below.
Wow. The comments below actually do more to prove the overall message not disprove it.
None of us with a leg up in the world that comes of nothing we've achieved ourselves understands how it would "feel" to not have it. No matter how hard we may try. Acknowledging that takes a good deal of humility.
Yes, people have different experiences, but that's where we speak from. The Buddha taught different ways of living according to one's geography and Jesus hung out with the worst "offenders".
From my side, I'm learning to let go of whatever I defend as absolute and try on the potential view of others.
What I've seen, is there's always a person, group or system that is running interference in others' ability to express themselves fully (while causing no harm). It's relatively easy to see who and what sits at the top when I allow my story to drop off and take in a wider deeper view.
Not everyone can do that, or is willing to even try.
So happy to be allowed my own opinions, as are you!@@MichaelDamianPHD
This man has some brilliant insights, and you just have to overlook the intense bombardment of politics and take in the truth you need. Human beings (like he might say!) are vulnerable and can't do everything well. Richard Schwartz's internal family systems/parts work book, No Bad Parts, is the same way -- just ignore the politics if you don't share them. Imho.... would I prefer they left them at the door? Yes. Also do women need help with vulnerability and communication and wise self control? Of course!
This man is an ideologue. Following his advice may lead to more damage than good.
Growup. Read a book and less social media trash.
Why? What is your evidence for that?
@@lizcoy0305 He spouts a lot of simplistic ideology that isnt' accurate.
Couldn’t finish this. Stopped at 20:56 . A monologue of tired woke feminist tropes.
It took 6 minutes for this author to destroy any credibility. We are all equally oppressed by a technocratic oligarchy. Your "patriarchy" comment shows us who you are working for & it's NOT your readers!
I love Terry Real but I’m horrified that he referred to ‘non binary children’. There is NO SUCH THING, that is a neurotic creation of emotionally immature adults who believe that women don’t exist. If he’s so into patriarchy, can’t he see the misogyny inherent in gender ideology? Stop tip toeing around woke fascists by pretending to adopt their distorted idea of reality because you’re afraid of inciting their disapproval and being cancelled.
Agree. He offers a lot of simplistic progressive nonsense about men and "the patriarchy." Always amazes me how many therapists have such black-and-white simplistic diagnosis of things.
It took you 10 seconds to destroy your credibility. No I stand corrected. 5 seconds.
This speaker seems to be more interested in feminist ideology than in the real lived experience of men. Men come from a variety of experiences and backgrounds. Some, perhaps older men or those who grew up in conservative cultures, may have experienced some of the issues that he is speaking about. But for younger men who have grown up in a culture drenched in feminism, the problems are the opposite.
The core thing is, as a therapist you shouldn't be coming into the room with ideological expectations and stereotypes. If you client has been harmed by expectations of masculinity, then work with that. But not all men have, and many find masculinity beneficial. You need to be able to work with them without shaming them for their masculinity. I wouldn't trust this therapist to do that.
I'm quite sensitive/emotional and never was told to be otherwise, or taught about traditional masculinity. Unfortunately this has left me unbalanced and made it difficult to get a girlfriend. Now as an adult I'm leaning more into masculinity and finding it hugely beneficial and a source of inner strength, and a good complement to my sensitivity and emotional intelligence. We all need to express both vulnerability and strength, at different times.
The comment that men don't need to be empowered was particularly offensive - have you ever met a shy, anxious teenage boy? That's exactly what they need as well as relationship and good trauma-healing work. If you take away sources of masculine strength from boys, and shame them for masculinity in the name of feminism, you're doing huge harm.
The speaker constantly stereotypes men - as closed off, unable to connect emotionally, etc. This doesn't describe any men I know. This kind of anti-male stereotyping is typical of feminism, where men are portrayed as violent, dangerous, power-hungry etc. Much of the shame I have experienced is directly linked to absorbing feminist messages over the past 10 years. The speaker is adding to this shaming of men and masculinity.
It's also worth noticing that when men are stoic and closed off it is often done in service of others, to stay strong so they don't have to. Men are strong *for others*.
"Under patriarchy men are only allowed two feelings - anger and lust" - Both of those feelings are highly stigmatised in men in progressive society, while celebrated in women. It may have been different in the past, but feminism has dominated so much that things are opposite to what you say. For example, I have never once seen an article or media piece celebrating or saying positive things about male sexuality, but there are plenty doing that for women. Many men need to access anger and lust because they have been so suppressed, particularly with the all the shaming of them coming from feminist society.
The speaker is also really self promotional - extensive pitches at the begining, and then "go look up my course" etc weaved throughout the talk.
Men: if you are suffering, seek out a good therapist, good friends, perhaps a (non-woke) mens group. There are therapists (including female therapists) who are not anti-male and who will be happy to help you heal and connect with your masculinity.
this here is a charlatan speaker. you are absolutely correct with your comment. thank you
When does he say “men dont need to be empowered”?
@@sonnyobrien He says it at 16:39
“The essence of traditional masculinity is disconnection. We disconnect from our feelings and needs. We disconnect from others. We call that autonomy and independence, and the cost of disconnection in boyhood is a disconnected adult man. The healing move is not empowerment (a lot of men are falsely empowered too empowered)the healing move is reconnection”
How is this not an accurate representation? Our vulnerability as men is shamed in our society. We can not express our full range of emotions without consequence. and it is the case that anger, competition and lust are the only acceptable emotions.
This will catch up to you. Read some attachment theory and heal. There are some good lectures online by Alan Schore on youtube on the neurobiology of the attachment to the infant and child.
@@sonnyobrien I'm very aware of attachment theory and have worked with it extensively in therapy and in my relationships. My attachment issues are not due to being a man, or being taught traditional masculinity, or anything like that. They are due to a particular relational trauma and its consequences. This is what I mean by making assumptions from a place of ideology - you assume because I criticised the speaker that I haven't done any healing work, don't know about attachment theory, etc. The patronising "this will catch up with you" as if you can diagnose me from me from a couple of comments.
"anger, competition and lust are the only acceptable emotions" -- it's my experience that these emotions are the ones that are most shamed in men, particularly by feminists. Accessing these has been an important part of my healing and counteracting the feminist programming that says these are unacceptable. Another example is that I cry easily but have never been told not to cry or shamed for my vulnerability.
“The essence of traditional masculinity is disconnection. We disconnect from our feelings and needs. We disconnect from others. We call that autonomy and independence, and the cost of disconnection in boyhood is a disconnected adult man. The healing move is not empowerment (a lot of men are falsely empowered too empowered)the healing move is reconnection”
-- I just haven't experienced that. Perhaps you have, but your experience doesn't apply to everyone. On the point "a lot of men are falsely empowered" - not me and not men I know. Maybe men at the top of society, but many men I've known in my life have been unsure of themselves, underconfident, etc. And in my experience it's feminists who want to disconnect men from their feelings and needs because certain feelings and needs are seen as dangerous and not allowed. We need to accept, nurture, and integrate every aspect of ourselves, and find connection, love, acceptance, empowerment, mascunility, healing trauma, etc.
And one key part of finding connection is connecting with other men in male-only spaces. But many feminists don't like male-only spaces, and have worked to dismantle them. Or they're only happy if the male spaces are explicitly pro-feminist. I've had some skeptical comments from social justicy people when I mention mens groups, for example.
The problem here is that people are generalising too much from narrow ranges of experience. I know there are men for whom the speaker's picture fits. But my point is that it's not all men, and it particularly applies less to young men in politically progressive environments, like myself. For us, the bigger problem has been specific childhood traumas, not traditional masculinity. And then the feminist view just doesn't fit and often makes the problem worse because it stigmatises men's natural masculinity.
TL:DR its your fault guys. Harmony is not for you. Symbiosis is not for you. Conform, have no personal dreams, thoughts, feelings, nothing. You primitive.
This TH-cam channel usually has some solid speakers. But I guess every channel has hits and misses… This was a miss.
"Gender fluid kids." A meaningless phrase right off the bat.
Terry's diagnosis of the human problem as patriarchy and as being rooted in the myth of the individual is facile in the extreme. to be an individual does not mean that one exists in separation from others as he falsely claims. It means rather that we each have our own internal subjective experience of life as well as our unique physical experience which is what allows relationship to happen in the first place between different people. No one in our culture believes that individualism means that we don't exist along with others or in relationship to them. I have never had a patient who suffers from this absurd caricature of individualism. Then he says that rooted in our patriarchal individualism is our belief that we are both separate from nature and to dominate nature. This is another piece of cliched nonsense about the Western experience. Terry's claim that patriarchy means that men are raised to believe in having power over others especially women is nonsense. So is the claim that people with relationship problems are suffering from the individualistic belief that they're supposed to control nature. men and women everywhere struggle with difficulties of communication negotiation and empathy in their relationships including gay and lesbian people. These problems exist in human nature from east to west and have little to do with these cliched explanations from the college gender studies class.
MICHAEL, MICHAEL, boy do make huge generalizations. "No one in our culture believes," How do you know what every one in all the cultures of the world believes. Have you spoken to all 8 Billion people on the planet. Again, "that men are raised to think that they have power over woman." Go back to the 20th century where woman had to fight to get the vote and still today, maybe be prevented from voting by societal norms, harassment and violence at the polls, or pressure from their husbands. Only 30 years ago I was told what my duties were as a wife , after I married into a farming family. Duties to my husband and then the duties of my son when he grew up. This is in Australia. I suggest Michael you have very very narrow life experiences. I suggest instead of making such generalised statements from such a narrow view of life that you listen and learn. You might become a better doctor. At present you sound like a educated narcissistic smart aleck.
gender fluid men? is this even a man?