Adoptive Parents on Trauma & Attachment Disorder
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
- Learn step-by-step where attachment trauma comes from and how to address it. Download your free gift here: Attachment Trauma: A Roadmap for Accelerating the Healing Journey
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Hear the stories as these brave parents speak their truth that many adoptive or foster parents experience.
As a doctor and adoptive parent myself, the result of not getting the information I was looking for has been an experiential learning of trauma, neurobiology, attachment disorders, stress and inflammatory illnesses, and addictions. The result has also been a personal quest to find the underlying cause and recover from fatigue, depression, and high levels of autoimmune antibodies that the specialists had no answers for except an anti-depressant to manage symptoms.
Through my own journey and helping others through theirs, my understanding of what it takes to heal after trauma and the effects of stress on the brain and body has expanded to beyond what conventional medicine offers. Science and the experience of others are now confirming that the nervous system can repair and rewire, even the most challenging of cases.
There is hope, and you can experience healing and wholeness too.
Want more information? Download my Attachment Trauma Roadmap. This is my gift to you:
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Medical Disclosure:
The information and programs presented on or through this website are made available to equip you with knowledge and tools. All the programs on this website are educational and self-guided or coach-directed programs. This information nor these programs are (nor are a substitute for) medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. For any physical or mental health issues, I recommend you work with a qualified health provider who will also support your desire to address the effects of trauma.
© Trauma Healing Accelerated™ 2022.
As an adopted daughter, I wish I could see more materials out there on adoption, from the perspective of those who are adopted. It is so hard to find !!! Parents, content makers: please note we exist as well, and need to have a voice!!!!
Thank you, Karis! This is very helpful feedback. May I ask, what type of information for those adopted would you find most helpful? Thank you again. Dr. Aimie
Karis Moffat I agree. I’m adopted as well. I would like to see more books, videos ect
Anything that would help an adult adoptee navigate the trauma of being torn from a natural mother, then any information about lack of attachment to an adopted mother and father who had their own unhealed traumas, and how to overcome those as well.
@@neurospark3046 You have a lot of insight and can communicate that well. That is a lot of attachment disruption and trauma, and yes, your nervous system will have those patterns stored. I think you will find my other videos and content on attachment trauma helpful, and would encourage you to look at doing a program for adults like at traumahealingaccelerated.com. Warmly ~
@@DrAimieApigian anything from the OTHER perspective. of a child not being able to feel love and wanting to kill themselves
honestly i just came here to read other people’s perspective bc as i get older it seems i have started to develop relationships with other adults but it always feels weird and i didn’t understand. i can’t even listen to the video bc it makes me want to cry. i swore i didn’t care growing up being adopted but really i just suppressed it and now it’s coming to bite my butt :,)
Im sorry you’ve been feeling like this, I will say a prayer for you tonight that you find peace in your life in all that you do. I know you didn’t chose to have life like
This but I’m proud of you for sticking to it and pushing forward. Everything will be alright ❤️
I am the adoptive mother of a 12 year old boy who has RAD, FASD, Autism, SPD, Central Nervous System Damage from prenatal meth use by his Bio mother. Our life is a wild roller coaster ride but I see glimpses of healing and joy happening after 10 years of intense therapeutic parenting by, keeping this little elf boy at my side and with the interventions of the wonderful support people in our lives. Come and see our life as I share the joyful moments to spread hope to parents out there entrenched in the darkness of RAD.
God bless you and your family! I work with someone who has those disorders as well. It’s not an easy job at all, but I praise those who never give up.
It's possible (not probable) to break this cycle. I have RAD. I had 13 foster homes in 7 years. I know how difficult RAD can be for both the parent and the child. My therapist adopted me and worked with me for the better part of a decade. I'm not normal, but with his help, I have come to see how RAD impacts my life and perception of the world. I now have a 5 year old daughter who was lucky enough to have a normal childhood.
As an adult, I still struggle with RAD, but being consciously aware of what RAD is and how it impacts my relationships has made it possible to function well enough. I pray others who have had similar experiences may find ways to lead a normal-ish life.
We know your struggle. We have a 16 yr old going on 17. He was diagnosed with RAD and Opositional defiance at the age of 3. He and his brother were one of the last kids to come out of Russia for adoption. They both came from an orphanage and several foster homes due to their rage. The other brother is doing great in school and has a job at 18. But our 16 yr old is no longer in school and has to be homeschooled due to causing problems in BMC class and smearing feces in bathroom wall. Just last week while I was at work and he stayed home alone as he usually does when I have to work. He decided to take a butcher knife to our neighbors house and break in while she was out. Thankfully she came home followed by a friend and he came back home across the fence. He broke in through a window and damaged all her screens trying to find an unlocked one. He finally made it in and turned her and her 30 yr old sons room around. He was trying to steal M&Ms and 2 bottles of wine. She knew it had been our son and send us a warning text to let us know someone had broken into her home and for us to be safe. And also sent us a picture of the knife found at her house. Well it was a picture of our butcher block knife. And we interrogated our son until he came clean. We took him to a Behavioral center and theyve kept him for almost 2 weeks now. He will be discharged on Monday because they couldn't find a long term facility. He has mentioned that he will do it again and shows no signs of remorse. We are terrified for him because our neighbor is a child psychologist and has said if he doesn't get help he will hurt someone...even us. And also stated that if he is discharged that she will press charges. That would be breaking and entering with a deadly weapon which means he will be tried as an adult and sent to jail. He had an IQ of 61 but is very resourceful and street smart when it comes to doing bad things. What can I do? Where can I take him? We're all in fear for him, ourselves and our neighbors. The psychologist recommended a long term facility but not many will take him due to his IQ and inability to comprehend and learn.
I have Rad too .I spent the first 3 years of my life in foster care neglect possible abuse and have struggled my whole life it got better after I came to Christ in November 2008 but I honestly still struggle at times I wish my early years where not the way they where and that's hard but really like they said in the video you've got to choose healing
I can understand your struggles as well. My daughter is 6 and has RAD.
Anonymous I know your son isn’t a baby anymore but there is a movie and documentary you should watch called child of rage, just search that up on TH-cam and you’ll find both. It will give you more information on RAD. It is about a girl with RAD and how she overcame RAD now she is a child psychologist.
Anonymous I would recommend watching child of rage free on TH-cam, also follow Nancy Thomas, the psychologist in the movie who ended up adopting Beth, the girl depicted in the movie with RAD. Beth was 19 months, lived in an orphanage with her brother. You are in a predicament and understandably stressed. You could also try to write to Nancy Thomas, try to find her on the internet. She will be a wonderful resource
Good luck 🙏 with everything
I adopted a child from Guatemala. There were problems early on and she was found to have an abnormal EEG. She never missed me. She got along superficially with any stranger at ages when normal children were afraid of strangers. I have since heard this referred to as" attachment promiscuity". But in actuality she was not forming any attachments: it was more that she was a mimic of the behavior of who ever was in her immediate environment. She was highly suggestible and would follow anyone nearby. Teachers in the early years would lash out at me because she was " a follower" and would do whatever the "the troublemakers" in class were doing. She lied habitually, to me, police, and the Department of Family Services.
I endured a protracted and vicious assault by her when she was 12 y.o. This was followed by multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, several episodes of running away for three to four days at a time. At age 14 this included a terrifying MVA with a semi-truck on the expressway --- she had to be intubated and air- lifted to the hospital. Two boys involved suffered serious burns. The police and juvenile court were constants in my life. Professional opinions of her diagnoses included traumatic attachment disorder and Fetal Alcohol Encephalopathy ( alcohol is especially toxic to the area of the brain required for normal attachment). Your love cannot heal these very damaged humans.
I was completely broken down by the ever-present dread, the emotional waterboarding and physical abuse. She is no longer in my life. Every memory in my life, from the previous 15 yrs. is saturated with pain. I am a broken down person struggling to survive everyday. There is no support. Everyone buys into the adoption fairy tale.
The adoption agencies in some ways " love bomb" people who want to be a family and love a child. Adoption is a terrible gamble and the stakes are: every thing in your life, including your very life.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As an adoptee it is especially heartbreaking that you got pulled down into a nightmare when all you wanted was to give a child love and a good home.
I don’t know who you are but I truly feel your pain. It doesn’t help for people to tell you sorry but I hope you find the faith in life to allow a child to love you the way you’ve always deserved. You are incredibly strong
I know it’s been six years since you posted this. We adopted a two year old out of foster care. He’s now 33. He has reactive detachment disorder. He’ll never marry or have children because he would never trust someone that much. It’s crazy how much damage can be done before two years! We will never hear I love you or get a hug from him. He’s very successful in his job and has great friends and lives on his own. I never thought that would be possible. Your son is violent with you because he feels safe to express his feelings with you! That’s a very hard but good thing. We did feel that he needed to bond from someone from birth. Or try to. We adopted his little brother at one day old. He loves him fiercely. Probably the only person I can say that about. They are 5’7” and 6’7”. They bond over basketball.
Thank you for this. I haven't been able to find any real content on foster parents experiencing trauma as a result of fostering. Many voices of adoptees and foster children now as adults sharing their trauma and stories, which I am grateful. But, almost nothing that I can find on foster parents' trauma as a result of fostering. Seems like the well being and mental health of foster parents hasn't been identified yet. This young mother is still so loving and still hopeful even after being continually rejected by her child in extreme ways. I read up 40% of foster parents stop fostering after the first year because there is no real support emotionally and mentally. It's time a voice is raised on the reality of what it takes to do this work and how difficult it is.
Agreed. This was my experience.
Excellent video! The constant rejection by our RAD is so very hurtful. Our RAD is a freshman in high school. Wherever we walk, he will never walk with us. He will always walk behind us. He will sabotage every attempt to get close to him. When I pick him up from football practice, he will never sit in the front seat but always in the back. The 20 minute car ride home will be full of silence. When we adopted him at 6 years of age, he was still in diapers, had 9 cavities, and was a self mutilator. He's made false accusations about us and I've seen him grin whenever he inflicts pain on us. The life of a parent of a RAD child has been extremely painful and the fact that nobody believes it unless they've gone through it makes it that much more lonely. Thank God we have support groups. They have been our lifesaver. Thank you for making such a great video!
And imagine that the pain you’re experiencing...your child likely experienced 100 fold.
Once a child has had that much abuse, rejection, neglect, they are like the dog at the pound who is afraid of anyone trying to get near...no matter how good their intentions...they want to bite out of survival instinct.
Fears > desire for connection. Fear is greater and when people are stuck in fight/flight/freeze, they are not rejecting you...but trying to protect themselves.
As long as the behavior is taken personally, empathy will be blocked and true connection can’t take place. It’s not about you, or hurting you...it’s about how unsafe the child feels subconsciously & how stuck their sympathetic nervous system is.
Labeling the child as “our RAD” vs our child who has RAD... is heartbreaking.
I’m in my 40’s and finally healing after adoption trauma and my authoritarian adoptive parents made the trauma worse (even though they didn’t mean to, I’m sure) by not being educated to trauma, by being emotionally cut off (unsafe to heal with or go to) and had expectations that were sky-high.
It was like they expected a double amputee to run a marathon the first year after amputations..and kept overlooking that I was deeply traumatized.
Please look up The Personal Development School and find out your attachment style...likely your child has fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant...educate yourself on core wounds and subconscious programming. Otherwise you’ll keep getting triggered, taking things personally...creating further disconnect from your son.
Empathy is where it’s at. If you truly love your child...you’ll need to put your ego and personalization of his behavior aside...embrace humility and consider that you have a lot to learn regarding your son, trauma and even your own behaviors.
You can turn the tide...
@@Alphacentauri819 I don't think anyone could assume that the pain that our child is experiencing is 100 fold more than ours because unless you've walked in our shoes and know our circumstances intimately, you cannot possibly understand what we've felt or what we went through. That's presumptuous and arrogant. When you express opinions such as yours, you are completely minimizing the pain and suffering that a parent(s) of a RAD child goes through. That kind of attitude completely undermines what parents of RAD children go through when the fact of the matter is, both the parents of RADs and the RADs themselves are victimized and experience pain at all levels. I don't think it is proper to think that one suffers more than the other when both are suffering. Why should anyone claim to suffer more than the other? Is this a competition to see who suffers the most? Why would one think that ego has anything to do with adopting a child? We adopted out of love so to insinuate that we are for some reason hoping to receive the Nobel Peace prize for adopting not once but twice, perhaps you should reevaluate your ego and stop playing the victim. As a RAD child, did you continuously make false accusations against your the parents who adopted you? If so, then perhaps it may be prudent to evaluate your sense of morality. My wife and I are far from being independently wealthy and adopting our RAD son has put us in financial peril and that doesn't even come close to describing the hell that we've been through with other collateral damage that we've experienced. The pain and suffering from members of our local support groups and international support groups would also attest that what we've experienced is not an isolated incident.
@@bradchew7410
I am sorry that you have experienced so much pain & suffering.
I admit I was triggered by the wording in your comment, which shows some strong narratives that you have.
We all have core wounds (adopted or not) that influence how we see ourselves and the world. Those core wounds and the subconscious programming...that happen through things as simple as “boys don’t cry” or other painful messages we are imprinted with...create powerful lenses in which we see everything through a filter, a lens. Sometimes this is distorted.
Anytime we are seeing through a lens informed by wounding, we will usually apply intent, about another human, that is very misinformed.
The impression that you believe your child is rejecting you...vs in a state of self protection, mistrust etc...says that you are making it about you. It’s not the external circumstance as much as it is your INTERPRETATION of it.
If your expectations are far from what has happened, you will also be far more miserable.
Y
Look at the ways you might be rejecting your child. It might be hard, but I can even see it in your wording.
It’s interesting, because you’re interpreting his behavior as rejection...out of your own need to self protect
He’s self protecting out of deep history of rejection. Self mutilation is one of the most blatant forms of self rejection and self hatred. The person is turning in themselves. They feel powerless.
While I hear your pain. I also hear blunted compassion and empathy. Labeling behaviors as rejection... makes it about you...seeing it as the child seeking self protection, makes it about them. And compassion can open up.
His behavior is not a rejection of you. That is where I was calling out the EGO. Ego makes everything about us and how someone is out to get us, how they are bad, how they are so wrong. It creates disconnection.
I never was saying it was your ego involved in the adoption..not at all.
It’s what seems to be your mindset now.
Nobel peace prize is not what I was suggesting at all. Surviving parenting is a feat in itself.
It’s about deeply learning about trauma and not making his behavior about you..and certainly not a moral accusation.
If you have rigid belief about how a child “should behave” and apply it to a severely traumatized child...you’re going to miss the boat.
If someone with a missing leg falls over and knocks stuff over, falls into me, I would be ego filled, blind and erroneous to accuse them of doing it against me maliciously.
A child with that level of trauma...that you described, is in a massive deficit as far as social/cognitive reservoir. They didn’t have the foundation of trust, connection, love, set at the beginning.
If you try to build a house on a destroyed foundation and you complain that the house has all sorts of issues...you go back to the foundation.
I didn’t have RAD. I have fearful avoidant attachment.
I was mostly very compliant and dealt with very authoritarian parents, who lacked emotional intelligence. I was expected to behave, appear a certain way, do what i was told. It was a very strict environment. I never falsely accused them of anything and I now don’t take their behavior as a rejection of me (I used to & it hurt incredibly...but I now know that it was their own unresolved stuff, their narrow narratives of the world, their hyper religious outlook)...but many times in my childhood I felt rejected and unloved.
They provided clothing, shelter, opportunities, and they “loved” in the way they knew best. I never was super close to them and my mom is the only one left.
I would send my mom and dad to nice bed and breakfasts and took them to Hawaii etc, as gifts. I tried to show appreciation for what they did.
There is a deep grief for that lack of connection though. They were not emotionally intuitive people. That’s not their fault...but it hurt to not be seen/heard/understood/accepted in a way where I would feel safe.
I’m now a grandma, was an RN, have helped countless people...and have studied the connection of trauma to many things. Much disease comes from coping mechanisms that people engage in, to escape feeling. Much pain is caused by avoidant behaviors (over eating, drinking, too much of many things) and cause outcomes that create disease. I worked cardiac, and since I deeply listen when I have the time..I would hear stories that I could make the connections to how they ended up in the hospital with a heart attack. Of course, there are genetics and such...but many variables are due to underlying mismanagement of core wounds and coping.
I mostly ended caring for others needs, catering to their wants.
My sister was the more angry one (we were adopted together). I believe she has BPD, in which trauma can be a big factor.
She lied, manipulated, ended up using drugs, stripping... and more. I had to help law enforcement and such get her kids from her, many states away. Very very sad.
I think the chaos was starting when she was born, little bonding occurred and she was more traumatized than I was. I certainly was traumatized, but responded differently. We were in 5 foster homes and then adopted.
I used to be very angry at her behavior too, and hurt. She would lie about me, massive concoctions, and about many things, my mom and such.
As I found out more about trauma and behavior, I’ve taken it less personally.
I now can see her as a deeply pained person that has created her own narratives to inform her “reality”.
Often deeply traumatized people have such chaos in their subconscious..and they create facts to match their feelings. That doesn’t mean they are immoral...rather that their wiring is so crossed and nothing made sense as their sense of self was being formed. It’s like if you were in a hurricane and told to write a paper with words coming at you at 80 mph. It wouldn’t make sense.
I am sorry if you felt I was trying to diminish your pain..,I was simply trying to say that if a child has such a massively destructed beginning they are working with less than nothing. You, as the adult, having a chance to have a solid foundation, figure out who you are, and have support/reserves, have more to help you function and deal with your feelings and behaviors.
It’s like you climbing a difficult hike, having trained and have a light pack... and then asking a 2 year old to do the same hike, after being in a car wreck, holding a heavy pack and not having food or water for 2 days.
They’re going in, with a greater deficit. They simply can’t do what you can. To apply a label... like “they’re lazy”, “they’re stubborn” and so on...to that toddler trying to hike under extraneous conditions...is absent of empathy.
Unfortunately with trauma, and the behavior that comes with it...it’s harder to see that it’s truly not about them being rejecting or anything. Labeling it as such, blunts empathy.
I could label you as rejecting your child too...and even though it might look like that...I actually think that it is feeling hopeless and powerless, underneath. So, it’s likely not rejecting your child.
Think of that when you are labeling your child as rejecting you...consider it might be self protecting to them & nothing to do with you.
The grin and all that...a child like him had little to no sense of self/agency & more. They will test and try and do whatever to prove that they are unloveable and unworthy...as those are deeply imbedded in their psyche. As long as they trigger you and you react, you confirm that yes, they are unworthy. And as insane as that sounds...they are looking for confirmation of their distorted, wounded, self view. This is all unconscious. Our unconscious mind is not logical and often has a very different agenda than the conscious mind. Everyone operates that way to varying degrees...until they do the work of reprogramming those patterns, healing the core wounds.
If a parent hasn’t dealt with their own stuff, it will make it much harder to deal with a child who has massive trauma.
What we all need deeply, you included, is someone to hold space for us, bear witness to our experience...without having to edit or conform, but be accepted in that moment.
I realize I triggered you too. That was not my intent. My intent was to be a voice for your child who cannot be as you wish they would be.
It is difficult enough being a parent... and to adopt, is very overwhelming and many unexpected realms.
I definitely don’t see myself as a victim, as my mindset is empowered. Where I used to blame others, I now see them through eyes of understanding their blindness and inabilities. It’s not personal.
If you take things personally, that’s a victim mentality. If we see another’s trauma response as a rejection...that’s taking things personally. That’s very disempowering...as well as making “other” the enemy, instead of being able to see through empathy and love.
Our mindset is the most powerful thing. It either makes us miserable or not.
I was just challenging your mindset.
I’d love for you to be empowered and thriving and your child too...
@@Alphacentauri819 How frightening to think that you were an RN for many years. As a mandated reporter, did you attack adopted parents as ferociously as you attacked me for merely complimenting the content of the adopted parents of RAD children in this video? How many times as a mandated reporter did you take on the savior of children role and allow your feelings and bias to hurt parents who were merely trying to do a good thing? How many times did you interject your own prejudices and bias when a child of suspected abuse came in not thinking for a second that those children might have had RAD and lying and manipulation is commonplace? When you filled out the mandated reporter forms, did you even contemplate for a second of how you were making a difficult situation worse by adding salt to an open wound of the poor parents who were already struggling before their RAD child levied false accusations against their adopted parents? You don't know me but you assumed so much that it is horrifying to know that you were in a position as a mandated reporter to destroy the lives of people who were merely trying to rescue a child out of a horrible situation by adopting them.
@@bradchew7410 I never once reported any person. For you to have such toxic assumptions and erroneous narratives...says much more about you. You appear massively inadequately equipped to interact with normal people...much less massively traumatized children.
I worked in ICU, PCU. Never with the dynamics you’re accusing me of.
I’m muting you and not responding past this point. Your toxicity and blindness are epic.
It's great this is now being identified. When I was adopted in 1975, there was no such thing as attachment disorder. And actually they didn't think that that it affected the child at all to be taken away from its natural mother and given to people that he doesn't know. This illustrates intelligence Are the psychological community. They've come a long way but they still have a whole long way to go as far as adoption because they still don't recognize or acknowledge that any problems exist when you do something like that.
As a results of possibly ADHD But definitely attachment disorder that was misdiagnosed. As organic brain syndrome, I was placed immediately at 5 years old on methamphetamine. Salts. Let's not sugarcoat. It's Ritalin adderal there methamphetamine salts. And thus began my long relationship with methamphetamines. An added unneeded battle that I've had to fight for. 40 years with no acknowledgement or recognition of responsibility from My adoptive parents in the slightest. It's a shity life. Let me tell you. But as most adult adoptees understand it's good to keep. Certain things secret. After all, the state showed us that that was our first lesson.
My daughter and her husband adopted a boy with these issues. My daughter carries the weight of most of this stress as her husband is a pilot and is away. She is 7 months pregnant and is horribly abused daily by this raging 10 year old. She home schools him because his unruly behavior and bullying is not tolerated in schools. While I am humbled by my daughter's heart I abhor this situation for her. The birth mother has continued on in her drug-addled lifestyle - completely free of her responsibilities while my daughter sacrifices her own health for this heathen child. Like the woman in this video, my daughter has a beautiful heart and felt adopting this boy was necessary as no one else would have due to his destructive behavior. He was shifted thru 9 different foster homes in 4 years. Someone had to take care of him she thought. And so she has.
You can get help ..they have a school for them that helps them
Is the child currently in therapy? If not I’d definitely recommend it, especially EMDR or DBT. Emdr is amazing for trauma
She should go to therapy as well, maybe add in family therapy too. But make sure the child has their own one on one therapy atleast weekly
Also, is there a way for your daughter to help the child connect with anybody blood related to them? Hopefully it’s possible to connect with the parents but if not maybe there are siblings? Aunts and uncles? Cousins? Grandparents? Maybe building a relationship with their birth family will also help them heal ontop of therapy
I fear for her biological child's future.
Children with rad have trust issues. They're always second guessing one's motives or actions. Never fully trusting that others arent out there to hurt them or take advantage of them. Rejection doesnt help either because it only reinforces their thought pattern about how sooner or later everyone will leave/abandon them
I understand everything, me and my partner are just trying to do this as a team, we love our boy with all our hearts. I hope we can be as strong and amazing as you guys. Thanks for sharing your story 💙
I def. have a lot of empathy for the parents. It's not an easy place to be in. Contrary it should not be forgotten that this behavior from a child is a result of severe abuse and neglect. I can recommend the documentary "Child of Rage" about Beth Thomas. It's nothing but heartbreaking for both the children and the adoptive parents.
Thanks for sharing . I am going through similar stuff
We have support and programs if that would be helpful. There is a lot of hope and gaining tools along with community is so important to get through, not let this break you and help your child rewire and have a great relationship with you. Let us know if we can be of support to you. There is a free Roadmap for navigating this on traumahealingaccelerated.com if you would like it.
Actions speak louder than words to kids who have rad...you can tell them you love them til you're blue in the face but it means nothing. Rad kids have a hard time expressing themselves through word so learn to read their actions and try to get them to explain how they feel. Itll be hard because during the early years of neglect, they learned that how they feel didnt matterand that no one cared.
I hope Austin grows up to truely appreciate his loving parents.
I hope he is given the care and help he needs to heal instead of being laden with the expectation that he needs to be grateful for his parents. How about that?
I don't know whether or not you're a troll, but in case you're not then sit up and listen. I have RAD / BPD due to my mum getting severe PND after I was born. I've spent my whole life wishing that I was adopted and wanting to feel I belonged somewhere but unfortunately no one has ever loved me. I was just hoping that this young man would enjoy the gift of these loving parents. Of course I also hope he gets the care and help he needs to heal as well ..that goes without saying.
@@katuk8173 it doesn't go without saying at all. I'm adopted myself and you wouldn't beleive the amount of people who expect you to be greatful even though you are severely broken. Of course, I do appreciate and love my parents dearly but it hits wrong when people just tell you how lucky you are and how appreciative you should be.
Sorry you have been through that
@@TheCharlieSmithChannel absolutely!!!
To hope that an adoptee would be “grateful”... is a failure that many people make. It’s an ignorant and wholly unaware mindset that minimizes and diminishes the very real loss (and immense trauma) that is part of adoption. Adoption therapists say that no one should ever suggest an adoptee be “grateful”.
I felt pressure to be grateful, mostly my own narrative....and it was part of what undermined my ability to feel my losses. I do think it took many decades for me to even attempt to process the trauma. Removal from home at 2 1/2, with 5 foster homes over a year, and then adoption. While I realize some realms could be worse....I didn’t know just how hard, how traumatic, it all was until now in my 40’s.
Every relationship has been effected because of my fractured attachment style, core wounds and trust issues.
I’m doing the deep work & hoping for some realm of healed by the time I’m 50.
I wish you well. Your comments resonated with me.
@@katuk8173 my adoptive parents provided food, shelter, opportunities...however, were very authoritarian, controlling. I was punished for some behaviors that were directly related to my trauma. No sense of emotional warmth or understanding. The expectations were quite high.
I didn’t feel loved. I sometimes felt barely tolerated.
You’re letting your narrative paint a rosy picture of some things...
Adoptive parents need support and education, to help connect, attune, empathize with their adopted children. If this doesn’t happen...the trauma can be further compounded.
I needed deep understanding, emotional safety. I needed to be seen, heard and accepted. I needed my trauma recognized. It wasn’t.
My parents meant well, but knew little. They’d come from families of emotional repression and didn’t know what they were getting into.
I’ve done a great deal of work on myself to recover. It’s ongoing.
I’m sorry for what you went through. You too can reclaim your narrative and reparent yourself and heal.
The Personal Development School has been very empowering for me.
i wish these parents could hug me and tell me everything would be okay.
everything will be okay
@@hopegoeth thank you :) lmao your timing kinda scares me
@@kewtea have you looked into attachment trauma healing?
The Personal Development School (has a TH-cam channel 😊) has been revolutionary in how I see myself and my past. I realized I have fearful avoidant attachment. Beyond having something described that makes me feel heard, understood...Thais Gibson (owner of the site) shares ways to heal the core wounds and subconscious programming. It has transformed my thinking. I feel way more empowered and hopeful than in a long time. Have a ways to go, still have massive trust issues...but I’m more tuned into my needs/feelings/boundaries and how to advocate for myself better.
I wish you healing and that you can reparent yourself and have the trust in yourself that it will be ok💫
@@Alphacentauri819 ohh no i haven't, thank you, i'll try looking into it :)
i wish you well on your journey of healing too, really sweet of you to recommend them to me!! 💖
From experience, the pressure and depersonalization of conventional Christianity can have an unhealthy affect on a traumatized child. It's best used as a source of prayer, hope, and community without the expectation of witnessing to others, which he might not be able to cope with.
I'm wondering if adopted children diagnosed with RAD are thoroughly screened for other issues that might be present.
I'm reading a book right now about adoptive parents' negative experiences with their kids, and one similar thread through almost all of them is that the parents are super Christian. Most of the stories are clearly not their fault, but others are just...if I had to live with them, I'd probably act the same way.
@@rustinstardust2094 What's the title of the book?
@@kairiver3840 Adoption Through the Rearview Mirror by Karen Springs. I haven't finished it, though
@@rustinstardust2094 Thanks :)
The mother did not say she has the expectation that he can witness to others, she stated that she hopes he can use this for doing good and that God heals him. Every parents hopes the best for their children. And of course the hope of a true Bible believing Christian parent would be that their children become Christians and are saved by the grace of God, because they recognize their sins and repent and believe that Jesus died on the cross for their sins and that He is the Son of God. This is a hope and a wish. But cannot be forced on anyone. It needs to be voluntarily. Those adoptive parents seem to be loving this boy much more then any other person and they are trying very hard to provide a loving homd for him. If he is acting out it is surely due to RAD and not them. True Christianity cannot have a negative and unhealthy effect on a traumatized child. On the opposite, it can have a very positive effect if that is God's will. There is no depersonalization in true Bible based Christianity, on the opposite. Like the mother said it says in Psalms 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
This is David who says it. David was far from being perfect. He sinned, like we all do, but he always repented and he saw that God is greater then him and the trustee in His salvation. Lets hope this boy will grow up and see the love that God has for him and the love of his adoptive parents and that he will not let his past define his future and that God keeps blessing him always.
Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for watching and sharing :-)
Are there support groups I've been dealing with my step daughter for over 8 years and the struggle is so real. She was diagnosed at six and her brother at 4. We still have her but unfortunately my step son distributed such horrible RAD symptoms that were a danger to others that he has since been removed. It's so tuff thinking I've tried everything only to still feel like a failure when things dont seem to get any better.
Yes, you are definitely not alone in feeling this way! Sometimes, these kids are too damaged to be able to be safe in a normal family environment. It is normal to feel inadequate and like a failure even though logically we can see that they are just to severe in their PTSD and trauma issues. Being able to talk with others who understand completely because of their own experiences has been so helpful and healing for other parents. If you like, email me directly at health@draimie.com and I can connect you with other parents.
Yes there are support groups on Facebook. There is also therapeutic parenting where you can meet with other parents depending on your location either face to face or online. Look up natp online and join. You get resources to help with schools and in the home.
There is Bryan Post, institute of attachment. Do a Google search there is heaps.
I have parented 2 rad boys and about to enter the battle field again with a dad girl. I know your struggle. I know you're pain. You are not alone
@@graciegirl2572 Are the two RAD boys adults now? How are the doing?
@@DrAimieApigian is this email still good? I need help.
My brother is exactly the same and has got the same condition but he refused therapy and naw we are scared of home being a murderer
When you are the parent dealing with a child who is turning your life upside down people look at you like, what are you doing? What did you do to have your child act out like this? Three years I went through hell with my own biological child the more I tried loving on her the more she turned against me lied on me Trying to get my other children taken… It was three years of hell! And I never wanted any of my children to be a part of the system so the more she rebuild and fight against me the harder I thought to get her home I thought I could keep loving on her maybe pray for her therapy you name it I was all in just to keep her a part of my family, and eventually I realized, rather than lose all of my other children while she was doing her I needed to let go of one. So that’s the painful realization I came to and what I did.
That is one of the hardest decisions a parent could ever have to make, Eileen. It is incredibly painful even if we know it is the best decision. Lots of love to you.
They need to just be there for him. Get him a good adoption competent therapist.
It’s truly not that easy.
But it's not just choosing to, "move on." You move on after a breakup or something less complex. This is not something anyone can just move on from and I'm surprised you would expect that.
I was thinking the same thing. It was a naive and ignorant way to put it. As someone who was adopted it's not a move on type of thing. Maybe she could have worded that differently.
It’s what they hope for - They never said they’re expecting it from their child, but they want what’s best for them. They might never move on, but they hope they become happier and feel more safe.
I’m adopted and I always made myself the victim in every situation. I hated my adopted parents even though they were the only people in the whole world who really cared for or about me. They gave me everything I needed and showed love to me even when I was not loving them back. I came to realize later that my anger and hatred was really towards my bio mom and dad but they weren’t there to hate so aimed it at my adopted parents. I finally apologized to them and I try to give them the love and respect they truly deserve.
I was adopted from russia, i have RAD and bipolar 2, i never understood where my adoptive parents came from, i rejected them. Never ttrustes them. Sadly i still dont. But i am glad this video shows me the perspective of ehat my adoptive parents felt or feel
Wow! I'm impressed they could deal with that. Makes me afraid to adopt.
I get that! With the right support, knowledge and tools ahead of time - it can be a very beautiful thing. :-)
i was adopted at 3 months found out at 7 and lashed out ever since, even after 27 years and reunion im still always in fight or flight mood, and i feel broken the only difference is i now my mother cant fix it i have to, worst part is i pushed her so far away this last time..i dont feel we can come back from it.
im deeply troubled and i need change.
@@thumbshurting2956 Dear Dylan, i don't want to profess to know your circumstances but I do know that we all need Jesus Christ. I was not adopted but we all have our fair share of heartaches and the world might offer temporary bandaids but only God can fill that void and make us whole. I would encourage you to seek the Lord....it really is as easy as going down on your knees and asking Him, Jesus to help u and reveal Himself to u. I promise to pray with u.
@@Linda-mo5sl Omg just fuck off Linda, he needs real help, not fairytales.
@@Linda-mo5sl I know you mean well but you need to get real. This needs proper psychiatric attention
I have Rad too! And I wish I had found out before have children on my own because it is too hard for me to raise them. I struggled every day of my life. I get along well with other people’s children but my own it is super hard .
Thank you for sharing this and I love your self-awareness! This is hard. If you would like to help get yourself in a better place for parenting your own children, I will highly recommend starting with our Women's Take Charge of My Trauma course on traumahealingaccelerated.com. Thank you for sharing. Dr. Aimie
Dr. Aimie Apigian thanks for your message I will definitely check it out!🥰
It's difficult for you, because feelings of love are actually interpreted as negative by your amygdala. Giving the "love hormone" Oxytocin to RAD sufferers only increases their negative behaviors. That's why you like people you aren't familiar with more than people you are familiar with. You must be always aware of this and always be checking your behaviors towards your children, so that you can try to pretend to be loving and nurturing towards them, so that they can have as normal a childhood as possible. This will be a huge life mission for you.
Rad people have a hard time getting along with others closer to them than people who are just acquaintances because they feel more vulnerable to betrayal and fear being left behind. They think along the lines of when will this person get tired of me and leave me too. Rad children/adults tend to take rejection harder than most other people.
When you say things like "they feel" kind of suggests that they have some control over it. Their brains are actually wired very differently. They have chemical reactions to stimulus that are very different from regular people.
This is so sad, niece is like this, my mom is raising her because my sister abandoned her. My sister is always going to jail for drugs I wish she would get a charge with a longer sentence because she deserves life in prison for the pain she has caused her children and also for not supporting them! I haven’t talked to her in years because I am so angry at her for the way she treats her kids. If it weren’t for our mom that poor little girl would be in foster care and my moms health is bad so she may eventually end up in foster care anyway.
It’s frustrating that you used “continual rejection from your child”...in that sentence. No! It’s a child in protective mode. Survival, sympathetic nervous system stuck on. Fight/flight/freeze.
It’s nothing to do with rejection. To be mature people, we have to stop personalizing behavior that is a reaction to trauma...not a rejection.
Maybe it feels like a rejection to the parent. However, that’s a big wake up call that the parent needs to heal their own core wounds, and check their false narratives and “meaning” they apply to other’s behaviors...especially traumatized children.
This type of experience is new for many adoptive parents - they’re reading all the books, getting all of the necessary therapy for their kids as they can, losing all of the sleep, spending every dime... They’re trying, and constantly failing or seeming like they are failing is a crippling feeling for them, and it is no ones fault. I see this video as trying to validate the parents’ feelings and frustrations, not to give advice. If parents are watching this video, they are already well aware that their child is in protective mode - it’s just they can’t simply deal with the feelings of rejection for the kid they love deeply.
In other words, this video is meant to help heal those core wounds by validating their feelings and not cite what they already know about their child.
Truth!!
I think people think adoption of kids are the same as getting a pet ay a pet Store. Adoption is serious. People should be Educated begore sdopting a child. Its deep, its painful got the child. Plus it wasnt the childs fault. People dont understand the trauma. A child isnt willfully acting out. Its the pain
Nah, it's rejection.
@@wendywhoisit1819
Making a declarative, absolute statement, as you did...shows a severe myopic, rigid, inflexible lens. It also highlights profound ignorance and arrogance on your part.
Why you think as you do, shows trauma on your part as well. People who have incredible trauma, autism, and/or mental illness, exhibit cognitive distortions such as your statement shows.
I hope you get the help you need.
Is it possible for a child to develop symptoms later in life? We adopted our son when he was 3 out of the foster system. He was a rambunctious, but sweet child. He would hug and cuddle me and tell me he loved me. When he hit about 13 all of that stopped. He has very few friends, rarely speaks to us, stiffens if I try to hug him. I've been reading up on RAD, but I didn't know if it could manifest later in a child's life.
Yes it is possible.
That initial stage is called the honeymoon phase. Many parebts and professionals inially think that there is a bonding process taking place, where unfortunately it mostly is the child observing and mimicking behaviour and emotions. There is often a strong regression after that period.
@@sheilasydneynotyerbizniz2933 Sounds like you are describing narcissisim (NPD).
@ April Erickson
Speaking from my own experience, it can happen. It happend to me, although I dont have RAD. May I ask how your son thought about "adoption" before he changed, cause during my childhood and teenage years I never cared for it. Though subconsciously I also always avoided tv shows like "Long Lost Family", untill I was 22. For some reason I watched an episode which for some reason was my trigger, and adoption all of a sudden became an issue for me. And I changed from being outgoing to being more seclusive and being way more distant towards people. Perhaps that moment came for him, which can be pretty overwelming.
As for hugs, I never liked them, I cant really describe it but they Always give me an God awfull feeling, but I always condoned them cause I didnt wanted to freak out the people in my surrounding. Till the moment I was triggerd, for a while I still condoned them but also stiffend up or activly tried to avoind them, but after a year I didnt allowed people anymore to hug me, and I stopped what was aspected from me if you know what I mean. Many of us just play the part till we cant do it no more, I find it hard to explain but this lady knows how to put it in the right words and I would advise you to listen to it. I know watching this video will help you to really understand your son, Its a 35 minute video "th-cam.com/video/OsiI68tMmTk/w-d-xo.html" (The Primal Wound: Adoptee Courage & What Is Endured). She is a councelor and an adoptee herself. Its a video I think every adoptive parent should watch to understand the mind of an adoptee (who is struggeling).
T
I know what Im going to say next is paradoxical. As much as I hate hugs, on the same time Im graving them to. Just not from the people around me. I have this feeling that I will never know what "love" is or feels like untill I get that one hug Im so desparately craving for. This one hug from my bio mom, I know this isnt fair towards the people around me, but I cant change this feeling.
I dont know if the same goes for your son, but to me it sounds like "adoption" became and issue for him, and he cant play the role as "the adoptee" anymore many of us play cause its expected from us. I hope my own experience in some shape or form helped, and if I may; maybe it will help if you find an adoptee (who also shares the same ethnicity) for example who leads an support group and let him or her try to talk to him. My parents did this with me, which made it possible for me to some what open up towards them, she was the bridge I needed to be able to explain to them how I felt; cause I never intended to hurt them either. I dont hate my parents, I would go to hell and back for them, just on an emotional/loving level I cant connect, but they know now I respect and appreciate them in my own way.
I know a lot of what I said is as paradoxical as can be, but that is what adoption feelings for me are, its a constant struggle of literally being torn from the inside. I wish you and your son all the best and I hope you guys will be able to reconnect, and I really hope you will watch the video link.
It sounds like you don't consider your teen enough of their own person and another human being to even bother asking what's going on and consider idk, other disorders such as depression which teen hormones can cause?? What's so hard about seeking a professional and treating teens like they're people too.
Yes, it's always the 3rd week that the RAD child begins to systematically destroy you. They can't love you. Even if you get a prescription for the "bonding hormone" (Oxytocin) nasal spray (which works great for PTSD kids), the feeling of love just freaks RAD kids out even worse. So the closer you get to them, the more they seek to destroy you. They need to be rotated between residentials on a monthly basis.
As bad as that sounds, youre actually right. They tend to hurt those that they are close to because they see them as threats. Threats to their security and never trusting. The natural bond that children grow up with that alliws them to bond with others isnt there. Sure they might try and might really want to bond with someone but in the end of the day there's that little voice in the back of their head wondering when will this person end up leaving me
Don’t call him damaged! I’m an adoptee and saying he is damaged is damaging!!!!
Girl please you and him are not the same. He’s trying to kill his parents and animals that is damaged doesn’t mean broken. People need to stop with the triggered shit because these parents are clearly going through something and you choose to cherry pick and dissect all their words
The parents are delirious. They are projecting onto the adopted son what they wanted for their own biological. The child was adopted at three and a half years old where much of the attachment patterns were already developed. And already choosing ministerial work for the child once again he may not fit those ridiculous expectations.
Did you send him back?
No, Austin is actually doing great after further Therapeutic Attachment Parenting and Trauma Therapy.
So, he's like a puppy? You just give up on them?? 🙄🙄🤨🤨
If you give a child back you might as well kill child yourself. Ive seen this happen, and the level of trauma your inflicting than on child is beyond what you can inmagine.
Expectations are way too high. The parents are trying to be saints and expecting a very troubled child to somehow be that also.
Thank you for the story I'm also am adopted. I also wish I had heard the words that came out of your mouth the mother anime adopted Mother's mouth I never dated her cuz she died before she could speak these words I was only 13
Huh?
Just get used to it. Some of us adoptees don’t bond with adoptive parents
Why? I'm thinking of adopting.
vivy45 We just don’t. Being put with strangers that we don’t know.
@@JasonLE89 Do you bond after a while? Do things get better for you, worse or stay the same?
@@JasonLE89 Thanks for answering questions.
vivy45 your welcome
You shouldn't have kept the dogs if he's going to beat them as the dogs don't deserve abuse
The courts don't want to talk about this side, no one wants to talk about the damages it does to a child.
And to the parents
@@wendywhoisit1819 My son took his own life June 4th, he has been suffering depression since he was taken from me. Adoptive parents should of contacted me so we can work as a team to save him. My children were supposed to well taken care of, beautiful home, good family, I thought I was giving them an amazing life. But I was so wrong. It done more damage to them than living a life without a lot of money. The courts need to think about this. If taken a child would be more harmful than keeping birth parents in the picture.
This is bullshit. Why not tell it through the adoptees view 🙄🙄🙄
Everyone has a story to tell. I needed to hear this today as an adoptive parent. Obviously, this video was not for you and that's ok.
Can he ever forgive God? God is not to blame ever. According to Jesus, the god of this System of things is Satan the Devil. (Luke 4:1-13) . "the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one" . (1 John 5:19)
Thank you for sharing your reaction, Alex! From the standpoint of a young child, there can be a lot of questions of "If God loves me, why would he let this happen to me?" It seems to be a natural phase that they go through as they get to a place of trust rather than distrusting of everything and everybody for what they have been through.
The day I realized I am an atheist and accepted that there is no god, I finally realized it was nothing personal, I just had bad luck and could fix it myself.
I can’t take people that believe in God all that seriously, they have a warped perception of the world. Also the husband is creepy…