There is so much guilt built into grief. My son died after 5 days in the ICU with meningitis. I stayed awake and with him, in bed, for 5 days and I still regret not staying for his honor walk to donate his organs. I was beside myself with grief and my friend who had left work AWOL to be with me was leaving. I had no way home (a 4 hour drive) besides her. It's so hard when you're in this exhausting situation. You just have to give yourself a break. I know he knows I was with him for the long haul.
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. In addition to being in crisis mode, you had very real barriers. You did what you could. You are a wonderful mom and your son knew it.
I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. As a mother myself, it breaks my heart. You were writing about guilt. I've always called it "Mothers Guilt" because we seem to carry it more where it concerns our children. Even when we do our best, even when we shouldn't have guilt, we often carry it. I don't know why. I do know your son is no longer sick & in a much better place than we can imagine. He is watching over you. Your son knows what happened and that you are a devoted, loving Mother. What would he say about you feeling any guilt? I'm betting he would say you did more than enough & please let it go. Please remember it is not "Goodbye" but "Until we meet again" I will keep you in my prayers and wishing you peace & happiness❤❤❤
Dear Meredith- you did all you could and more for your son. I would like you to know that I was in heaven- for a short time during a surgical procedure. The love that welcomes you is overwhelming! You see people, pets that you lost. I didn’t want to leave. There is no anger, hate, envy, guilt: no negativity. Only love, joy, happiness,positivity… only good feelings. Your son is in a magical place! And I pray you feel better and less guilty. He understands what had to be done. Remember- no anger, no hate, nothing but love, beauty, forgiveness, joy, comfort, serenity… God Bless You!!
Also Meredith, thank you for the gift of his organs to help others live longer. That is a gift that no one can top. He is still alive in the people who were privileged enough to receive his organs. Thank you. Tank your son next time you think of him.
I talked to my doctor today about starting a You Tube channel and we talked about you. My doc is thinking about doing educational videos about psychiatry. I reflected that I don’t watch TV any more, and seek videos that speak to my curiosity and, Julie, you’re one! I’m a recovering alcoholic with a story like yours. Your content really reaches my heart in ways that tv just doesn’t do it for me any longer. Parasocial relationships like You Tube communities give me a lot of hope of grassroots spread of kindness, curiosity, and empathy. Thanks for being one to lead the charge of kindness, curiosity, and empathy, Julie! ❤
Such a lovely comment, Emily! I'm very glad you are doing well and please tell your doctor we need people like him and Julie like never before! It's the perfect way to connect with and help mankind in 2023. I'm so grateful for you all ❤️❤️❤️
You should absolute start that channel ❤️🙏 always follow your inner gut feeling, if something in you says DO IT ! Than do it 😃 you have any other plans for today ?? i dont know you but your energy is awesome ❤️❤️ i will subscribe right away !
We were with my brother in law on his last day. He looked how you described, but I know he was frightened and not ready for death. We stayed with him all day and held his hand as his died. He needed that. Some people would rather their loved ones were not there when they die. I consider it the greatest privilege of my life and still feel him around us. Did we do enough? Who knows what enough is. If you love someone and give them your best, I think you did enough. Thank you for this channel, very clear and concise.
I gave my Mom some watermelon juice via a sponge near the end of life because her mouth was so dry and my family freaked. I returned the favor as she brought me watermelon during my two weeks stay at Mayo Clinic. It was the last thing she tasted. Never regretted that and find it brings me peace. She was shutting down at the time in her final few hours.
Dabbing your Mom's dry lips with a sponge was a final gift you gave. Especially since you had the connection of watermelon. Am sure she appreciated it. I hope someone who loves me is thoughtful enough to do that when my time comes.
I just appreciate how forthcoming and sweet you are. You're doing a great service to a ton of ppl who are dealing with end of life issues of parents, etc. I have lost 2 husbands but they both had early (52 & 65) sudden deaths. I don't know why I'm telling you this but thanks for being you. 💖
Make the room about their life, put up young pictures, awards, videos. Help hospice and caregivers see a life, not a sick person only. My teacher was an opera singer. I played her recording, had all her pics in costume. Glam shots. Her playbills ect. Created a relationship with her and all that entered that was beautiful. She smiled when she heard her voice on a classical recording. Before and after she was conscious !❤️
With being there for my mom during her death journey I have a question about hospices as a whole. Why are families not given a three ring binder to have a central place for the persons medical background. My mom had no spouse and it was me and my aunts and uncles taking care of her. Even with me doing a binder there were issues of the rest of the family with keeping up with her medications and such. But knowing how beneficial it was for the family since different people were her caretakers and it also helped the hospice nurse keep up with how she was doing as well and if we needed medication adjustments. I just think something like this would be so beneficial
My dad was surrounded by family for his last hours and there was a definite energy in the room. I’m sure he felt the desperate “We know you have to go, but please don’t leave us!” vibe we were putting out. He kept holding on well past the times the hospice nurse gave him after checking him hour after hour. It finally occurred to me that perhaps all of that energy was keeping him there with us, instead of letting him go. I needed to use the restroom, so I gave his hand a squeeze and whispered in his ear that I needed to leave for a bit and that it was ok for him to go too. When I came back into his room after a few minutes, he had just taken his last breath. Irrationally, I was devastated that I had missed the moment of being with him as he left, feeling I had deserted him. So many conflicting emotions, because I knew in my heart that he needed me to leave ~ to let go of him, so that he could let go too. I believe it’s possible that our love sometimes has the power to extend the connection. The stories of loved ones passing soon after they are left alone … it’s just too coincidental. They didn’t pass because we deserted them, they passed because we allowed them the freedom to go.
Ms Julie, you are the sweetest you try so hard to help everyone understand and it’s very important that we do and we do appreciate you. God bless you always.
I lost my beautiful sister last February at the age of 43 to metastatic breast cancer. She was first diagnosed in 2017 and fought so hard. At the end it was all in her bones, her liver and her brain. She stopped being able to walk the November before she passed. On the day she passed away, something told me to go to her house that morning and I saw that she had mottling on her hands so I knew the time was near. Her Hospice nurse couldn’t believe she was still with us and kept saying that she felt she was holding on for something. She hadn’t seen her son in 2 weeks because he was staying with his dad. I called my nephew’s dad and told him she didn’t have long and he brought my nephew there. She passed away 30 minutes after he got there. Watching your videos helps because the end of her life was traumatizing to me. Her fear was suffocating and it just seemed like that’s kind of what happened to her at the end with all of the secretions and everything but your videos help. Thank you for teaching people about this and for being a compassionate human. ❤
Thank you so much for these educational videos, you do a very good job of explaining what everyone has questions about. Please keep up the great work you are doing Nurse Julie!
Thanks for this video. I'd like to offer a couple comments: 1) Regarding pain at death, I would suggest that unless the person has a disease or condition that in itself causes pain, or had an injury or surgery that causes pain, the process of dying by itself doesn't cause pain. 2) If a person is asking "did I do enough?" then it's obvious that person is conscientious and has done the best s/he knew how to do, but the process of dying would take place either way.
Can you please explain the best way loved ones or observers can position themselves in the room of the actively dying person during the last stages? What do you recommend regarding touching and talking to your loved one in the final hours? Your videos are tremendously helpful. Thank you xxx
my husband died 9 months ago of cancer we were married for 51 years 7 days before. I cradled his head and rested my forehead on his. I spoke quietly about the wonderful things we had done, the places we had been, and not to be scared Im here. Im not leaving you alone. I could have sworn he moved his head closer to mine, but when he passed there was a definate tug in my chest. so something happened. I felt peace enter me and honoured to have been with him as he left this life.
@@JanetHiggins-w9l How beautiful. That must surely be the most glorious way to pass - to be held in the arms of their beloved, being soothed and reassured as they pass from this world to the next. How fortunate you both were to have known such long-lasting love.
My mother died 3 months ago. She landed in the hospital a few weeks before Christmas & declined rapidly during her last 2 months, moving from hospital to rehab facility & back several times. She kept telling me, how tired she was all the time & just too exhausted to participate in the physical therapy. I knew the end was near & I prayed to my long deceased grandfather (her dad) to please come & collect her because she’s ready & it’s her time. Within a few days, she became unresponsive & entered what I now know as the “actively dying” phase. During this stressful time I had difficulty sleeping & was always on edge. One night I actually had a dream (unusual because I’d been sleeping so poorly, if at all) that she was back at her house, seemingly well & I was with her helping her carry some suitcases. In the dream I loaded the suitcases into the trunk of her car & waved “so long” as she happily drove off. I woke up abruptly, not realizing I was dreaming because it was so vivid! It took a few minutes for me to get my bearings & I soon realized that it wasn’t going to be much longer. She passed within about a week. I was strangely at peace with it. So much so that I surprised my relatives & even myself. I also dare say I felt a sense of relief. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and she has started to visit me in my dreams. The first dream I had was with her & the whole family around the table laughing & joking around. I cracked a joke & made her laugh, when suddenly she broke into tears saying “I’m sure going to miss you!” That dream left me with such a feeling of sadness. I’ve had other dreams of her since then, and all leave me feeling very melancholy & despondent.
Nurse Julie, thank you for sharing your knowledge. My father past last January, in my home, I noticed the discoloration of skin, in hands and feet, the change in temperature, and breathing. I Brought this to the attention of the doctor's. They didn't mention anything. I only wish I found you sooner on Utube.
Thank you for all the great educational content you make around a topic most in healthcare won’t even come near. Keep up the great work! Signed, a hospice and palliative medicine doc
I have a question for you, my mom died almost 2 years ago. I was with her at the hospital up until her last night. Dad stayed but I was exhausted so I went home. At 2am I woke up suddenly I didn't really need to go to the restroom but I did. I came back to bed as soon as I laid down my phone rang mom was gone. I think she woke me up. Has anyone else had this happen to them?
Not quite the exact situation, but I lost my dad in October 2010. I live in another state from my hometown, and I had been staying with my mom while he was in ICCU. My husband had to be at home most of the time to work and care for our pets. He did make the 4-hour drive on Halloween (Sunday). We were reunited, and my in-laws stopped by to see how my mom and I were doing. At the last minute, my husband & I decided to go out for dinner. When we arrived back at the hospital, my dad was gone. My mom and aunt told me he asked where I was and where was "C", my husband. They told him we were together at dinner. That was what he needed to know. He had to make sure my husband would be there, but he didn't want either of us at the hospital. I thank my dad for that every night.
I've experienced many signs & visits afterwards but can't recall one before. There are many who have experienced signs or visits right before or when a loved one moves on ahead. I think your Mom may have sent a soft kiss that woke you❤
Yes. I was 1500 miles away when my mom died one May morning. I was sound asleep when a powerful wind blew through my room and woke me up. There were no windows open. It was 3:05. I went back to sleep but was woken up a few hours later when the hospital staff told me my mom died at 3:05.
My mom was on hospice in my home. Her hospital bed was in my living room and I slept on a mattress on the floor next to her. At 6:35am I woke up suddenly and sat straight up and I knew she had just passed, my brother 1200 miles away woke up at the exact same time. I knew she was letting us know ♥️
I appreciated the time CHOP gave me to hold my 15 month old baby after she had died after a heart operation. It was a time of intense grief but also a help to me.
Thank you for such informative information on the death and drying process. A question I have is what is or are ways to assist family while being a volunteer hospice sitter in their home ? Love to you and all who are grieving.❤❤❤
My dearest friend is end-stage live cancer and has chosen Palliative Care over Hospice, as she feels Hospice would d/c her from the care team she's had since her dx 24 months ago. Your thoughts on the differences & how they may affect her final days? She prefers not dying at home. Thx for your channel. Bro-in-law passed of CA 6 mo. ago & your info. rings so true. 🌸
What's your opinion about cremation vs. Burial? Also I'm thinking about donating my body to science. What is your opinion about? Thank you for what you do you've taken that fear out of dying.
Please talk about "green" alternatives to cremation or burial. I hope one of those methods is available for me in my state when my time comes. I used to want to donate my body to science but now I've heard horror stories about people who sell our loved ones' bodies for parts instead, and provide fake ashes.
@@bethanyanderson1745 It was the podcast Criminal with Phoebe Judge. There were criminal charges brought against the owner of a funeral home in the Colorado, Sunset Mesa. FBI was involved, they were found guilty and recently sentenced.
@@teresawood6830 - thank you for kindly replying. I admit to a mild case of shock that you actually offer valid sources. More often ppl recite friends, if they respond at all. Major shock over the incident though. This kind of story is supposed to be confined to campfire, not real life!
@@bethanyanderson1745 your question was a good reminder that I should have cited my source instead of just posting an inflammatory statement. The victims were pressured into donating their lives ones' bodies to science and offered a $1000 discount on the cost of their services.
We took care of my Mom at home til she died. She waited until the only time both of us left her room (a nurse friend had come and told us to go lie down. No sooner were we both out of the room, than she died. I know that’s how she wanted it. There is grief counselors. I read everything by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She was the first to talk about death. I found a video on a song called “The Coffin Dance” with delightful men from Ghana who are trained to do that. There’s also a video of the man who trains them all. His philosophy is exactly what mine is; We should mourn at birth and celebrate death!! We do it backwards. Thanks for your video! 😊❤
Same thing with my dad. He waited for me to be out of the room, but my husband came in while I was trying to get some rest telling 'something's happening' that's when I jumped up and ran to his room just as he was going into cardiac arrest. I know he didn't want me to see it, but I did and it will haunt me the rest of my life.
Years ago I was a secretary at a church. I would visit members in the hospital sometimes. One very much older man who had pretty much had no hearing didn't have his hearing aids in, and he and I held conversation without a problem. He died within a couple of days.
My dad had no changes in breathing until a few minutes before he passed on hospice. He started breathing really fast, his heart was racing. Then he turned his head looked at my mother’s picture, mouthed some words and he was gone. Mottling started and progressed over 5 hours, he stopped making urine 3 hours before he passed, during the time before that three hours his eyes were following any visitors, and he would raise his eyebrows when we spoke to him. He hadn’t been eating or drinking for 5 days. It seemed crazy fast that he passed quickly at the end of his dying process. Hospice was very helpful. The nurse had been there earlier in the day and guesstimate was 3-4 days. She was surprised that he went so quickly.
Please accept my condolences. It's so hard to lose a parent. Your Dad was blessed with a painless, fast passing at the end. It sounds like he was in a rush to get to your Mom, maybe? Please remember it's not "Goodbye" but "Until we meet again" Wishing you peace & serenity❤
My current partner is of age, and not in good health I find that I distance myself from this to ease the grief when he finally passes, but feel guilty being like this, and realize that I will indeed miss him greatly when he has gone, what would be your advise on this matter?
Thanks Julie for another great video. Are some people confused about not giving food or water to someone in hospice and their not being a DNR for your patient? Can you touch upon DNRs?
Are there differences in the passing of people whom everyone agrees was a wonderful person versus those who were narcissistic jerks? I would hate to think that someone like Pol Pot died happily.
My grandpa died from lung cancer. He was 84 and he didn't want anything for his pain. He died one month after being diagnosed. When he died his eyes were wide open and his arm was raised up along with one leg and mouth wide open. He didn't look peaceful and I never got to say goodbye 😢 I can't imagine the pain he went through 😢
julie my precious dad passed in the hospital with Comfort Care. My 95 year old dad went the dieing process. You don't ever talk about stroke patients. He had a stroke when he found him in his chair. He passed 2 1/2 days later. Thank you I have been watching you and it helped me prepare.
I've had a couple NDEs from anaphylactic shock (hope the meds kick in before shock completely takes over kind of deal) & it was easier to just relax & let stuff happen when no one was around "gawking".
I was my uncles caretaker when I was 40 and he was 49, about 9 month before he went. I felt so alone, week and strong all at the same time. We need (wink wink) caretakers class. After it was over the hospice nurse was there and told me to get a black trash bag. She started retrieving all the heavy drugs and took them with her. Was that right? Thanks for all you do
When my sister passed at home on Hospice my Mom & another sister put all the meds down the sink. I asked why they were doing it & they said that they needed to go. Now, looking back, I'm thinking it was because another close family member was there who was an addict. Prescriptions cannot be transferred & Hospice can't use them for another patient.
@@laurierice7687 There may be a better way environmentally, I can't honestly remember what I did with the morphine syringes and fentanyl patches. I think the hospice nurse was here for that. All the over-the-counter meds we're soaked in used coffee grounds before sealing and adding to the trash. Nobody else was here so no danger of theft.
My mom has a hemoglobin level of 5.5. Stage 4 ckd. She is 93. Dr says ckd is secondary to hemoglobin level. Mom doesn't want transfusion, which Dr advised. Also recommended hospice, which she doesn't feel shes ready for.She does not want to prolong. with that being said, what kind of time frame are we looking at? I would like to hear more about low hemoglobin levels and symptoms.
Hospice doesn't prolong life through extraordinary means or speed up death. They are there to help her to be comfortable and live out her time. Being comfortable could help her live a bit longer, time to put affairs in order and say goodbye. They are also there to help the family. They've been a godsend to me for two family members.
Julie, can you help me? My mother has dementia and is on hospice. She is able to tell me that she is not hungry, that she does not want to eat, to not give her anymore. However when I present the spoon with food, she opens her mouth and accepts it. She will not stop eating when food is presented. This behavior just started a few days ago. Yesterday, I obviously gave her more than I should have; she vomited. How do I proceed here? Thank you.
Julie, I wish I had found your channel before my father passed. We (his family) didn't know he was terminal until my brother got the phone call from Hospice that he had passed. He was alone.
My grandmother died in a hospital before there was such a thing as hospices. She was in a lot of pain. One day she started screaming that she wanted to go home. They sedated her. She... went home.
My hubby is end stage genetic copd. Alpha one allele ZZ. He was officially diagnosed 16 yrs ago. His recent spirometry was fev1% at 20 post after albuterol was 30. DLCO at 49. His first pulmonologist gave him 18 months to live. Well…16 yrs have passed. Yesterday was told he has two yrs. This has been the most stress. He is now 62. How do we know when he will die.
How do you know when to stop giving patients food and water then? I mean there has been times where people do come back from the brink of death, their supposed to die and they don't. How do you know that not feeding them and giving them something to drink isn't lessening the chances of them possibly coming back? Great example is Anita Moorjani... She had stage 4 Cancer and had grapefruit-sized tumors all over, all of her organs shut down and they told her family these are her last hours. But she had a miraculous near-death experience and was basically told that she could go back and that she was going to heal and within three weeks they couldn't find any cancer in her body.. doctors from all around the world have flown to Hong Kong to look at her medical records.
Good morning, I don't know if you will get this question but I am considering getting certified as a death doula and I was wondering if you have seen families use a death doula and whether you think they are beneficial to the patient and to the family. I had never heard of a death doula til recently and I have been in Healthcare for 20 years.
Thank you Julie for always informing us. Knowledge is definitely power. BTW This 💄 looks great on you. Hot date? Or feeling sexaaay? 😂💋 I hope so. 🤗 You are such a beautiful person Inside & out.
If helping a person pass on peacefully through medication is considered suicide, then applying cpr or mouth to mouth to a drowning victim must be witch craft or sorcery?? C'mon, use common sense please
My momwas pushing herself back in the bed with her eyes wide open and I made them get her pain medicine. Was she in pain? I just felt she did not pass peacefully.
I'm not looking forward to my husband departure from this earth. I told him I will be on the bed with him holding him. He has hospice right now and they are wonderful people. Its really hard not knowing how long we have left.
There is so much guilt built into grief. My son died after 5 days in the ICU with meningitis. I stayed awake and with him, in bed, for 5 days and I still regret not staying for his honor walk to donate his organs. I was beside myself with grief and my friend who had left work AWOL to be with me was leaving. I had no way home (a 4 hour drive) besides her. It's so hard when you're in this exhausting situation.
You just have to give yourself a break. I know he knows I was with him for the long haul.
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. In addition to being in crisis mode, you had very real barriers. You did what you could. You are a wonderful mom and your son knew it.
I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. As a mother myself, it breaks my heart. You were writing about guilt. I've always called it "Mothers Guilt" because we seem to carry it more where it concerns our children. Even when we do our best, even when we shouldn't have guilt, we often carry it. I don't know why. I do know your son is no longer sick & in a much better place than we can imagine. He is watching over you. Your son knows what happened and that you are a devoted, loving Mother. What would he say about you feeling any guilt? I'm betting he would say you did more than enough & please let it go. Please remember it is not "Goodbye" but "Until we meet again"
I will keep you in my prayers and wishing you peace & happiness❤❤❤
Dear Meredith- you did all you could and more for your son. I would like you to know that I was in heaven- for a short time during a surgical procedure. The love that welcomes you is overwhelming! You see people, pets that you lost. I didn’t want to leave. There is no anger, hate, envy, guilt: no negativity. Only love, joy, happiness,positivity… only good feelings. Your son is in a magical place! And I pray you feel better and less guilty. He understands what had to be done. Remember- no anger, no hate, nothing but love, beauty, forgiveness, joy, comfort, serenity… God Bless You!!
Also Meredith, thank you for the gift of his organs to help others live longer. That is a gift that no one can top. He is still alive in the people who were privileged enough to receive his organs. Thank you. Tank your son next time you think of him.
I am truly sorry for your loss 💔
I talked to my doctor today about starting a You Tube channel and we talked about you. My doc is thinking about doing educational videos about psychiatry. I reflected that I don’t watch TV any more, and seek videos that speak to my curiosity and, Julie, you’re one! I’m a recovering alcoholic with a story like yours. Your content really reaches my heart in ways that tv just doesn’t do it for me any longer. Parasocial relationships like You Tube communities give me a lot of hope of grassroots spread of kindness, curiosity, and empathy. Thanks for being one to lead the charge of kindness, curiosity, and empathy, Julie! ❤
What a lovely comment ❤
You need people and COVID took that , manipulated you societally. Not saying DON'T do a channel.
@emilylinck2790
Well said! ❤❤❤
There's always Hope💕
Kindness, curiosity and empathy, checking in from Oregon!
Hoping your dreams come true💯🎉❤
Such a lovely comment, Emily! I'm very glad you are doing well and please tell your doctor we need people like him and Julie like never before! It's the perfect way to connect with and help mankind in 2023. I'm so grateful for you all ❤️❤️❤️
You should absolute start that channel ❤️🙏 always follow your inner gut feeling, if something in you says DO IT ! Than do it 😃 you have any other plans for today ?? i dont know you but your energy is awesome ❤️❤️ i will subscribe right away !
We were with my brother in law on his last day. He looked how you described, but I know he was frightened and not ready for death. We stayed with him all day and held his hand as his died. He needed that. Some people would rather their loved ones were not there when they die. I consider it the greatest privilege of my life and still feel him around us. Did we do enough? Who knows what enough is. If you love someone and give them your best, I think you did enough. Thank you for this channel, very clear and concise.
Thank you. You are such a joy to listen to. Your beautiful composition and voice is comforting, reassuring and gentle. This is your calling! 💐
….love that colour lipstick on you…and….thank you for discussing death process…removing the fear 💜🙏💜
I'm dying to know the color gang dang it!!!! It's the perfect color for her
I gave my Mom some watermelon juice via a sponge near the end of life because her mouth was so dry and my family freaked. I returned the favor as she brought me watermelon during my two weeks stay at Mayo Clinic. It was the last thing she tasted. Never regretted that and find it brings me peace. She was shutting down at the time in her final few hours.
Dabbing your Mom's dry lips with a sponge was a final gift you gave. Especially since you had the connection of watermelon. Am sure she appreciated it. I hope someone who loves me is thoughtful enough to do that when my time comes.
I just appreciate how forthcoming and sweet you are. You're doing a great service to a ton of ppl who are dealing with end of life issues of parents, etc. I have lost 2 husbands but they both had early (52 & 65) sudden deaths. I don't know why I'm telling you this but thanks for being you. 💖
This new guy is doing wonders for you. You’re glowing!
Make the room about their life, put up young pictures, awards, videos. Help hospice and caregivers see a life, not a sick person only. My teacher was an opera singer. I played her recording, had all her pics in costume. Glam shots. Her playbills ect. Created a relationship with her and all that entered that was beautiful. She smiled when she heard her voice on a classical recording. Before and after she was conscious !❤️
Thank you for educating people about death and dying. You really take the process to a understandable level. I love your channel!!
With being there for my mom during her death journey I have a question about hospices as a whole. Why are families not given a three ring binder to have a central place for the persons medical background. My mom had no spouse and it was me and my aunts and uncles taking care of her. Even with me doing a binder there were issues of the rest of the family with keeping up with her medications and such. But knowing how beneficial it was for the family since different people were her caretakers and it also helped the hospice nurse keep up with how she was doing as well and if we needed medication adjustments. I just think something like this would be so beneficial
My dad was surrounded by family for his last hours and there was a definite energy in the room. I’m sure he felt the desperate “We know you have to go, but please don’t leave us!” vibe we were putting out. He kept holding on well past the times the hospice nurse gave him after checking him hour after hour. It finally occurred to me that perhaps all of that energy was keeping him there with us, instead of letting him go. I needed to use the restroom, so I gave his hand a squeeze and whispered in his ear that I needed to leave for a bit and that it was ok for him to go too. When I came back into his room after a few minutes, he had just taken his last breath. Irrationally, I was devastated that I had missed the moment of being with him as he left, feeling I had deserted him. So many conflicting emotions, because I knew in my heart that he needed me to leave ~ to let go of him, so that he could let go too. I believe it’s possible that our love sometimes has the power to extend the connection. The stories of loved ones passing soon after they are left alone … it’s just too coincidental. They didn’t pass because we deserted them, they passed because we allowed them the freedom to go.
Ms Julie, you are the sweetest you try so hard to help everyone understand and it’s very important that we do and we do appreciate you. God bless you always.
I lost my beautiful sister last February at the age of 43 to metastatic breast cancer. She was first diagnosed in 2017 and fought so hard. At the end it was all in her bones, her liver and her brain. She stopped being able to walk the November before she passed. On the day she passed away, something told me to go to her house that morning and I saw that she had mottling on her hands so I knew the time was near. Her Hospice nurse couldn’t believe she was still with us and kept saying that she felt she was holding on for something. She hadn’t seen her son in 2 weeks because he was staying with his dad. I called my nephew’s dad and told him she didn’t have long and he brought my nephew there. She passed away 30 minutes after he got there. Watching your videos helps because the end of her life was traumatizing to me. Her fear was suffocating and it just seemed like that’s kind of what happened to her at the end with all of the secretions and everything but your videos help. Thank you for teaching people about this and for being a compassionate human. ❤
Thank you so much for these educational videos, you do a very good job of explaining what everyone has questions about. Please keep up the great work you are doing Nurse Julie!
Thanks for this video. I'd like to offer a couple comments:
1) Regarding pain at death, I would suggest that unless the person has a disease or condition that in itself causes pain, or had an injury or surgery that causes pain, the process of dying by itself doesn't cause pain.
2) If a person is asking "did I do enough?" then it's obvious that person is conscientious and has done the best s/he knew how to do, but the process of dying would take place either way.
Thank you, Julie.🙏🏽💝🙏🏽
Can you please explain the best way loved ones or observers can position themselves in the room of the actively dying person during the last stages? What do you recommend regarding touching and talking to your loved one in the final hours? Your videos are tremendously helpful. Thank you xxx
my husband died 9 months ago of cancer we were married for 51 years 7 days before. I cradled his head and rested my forehead on his. I spoke quietly about the wonderful things we had done, the places we had been, and not to be scared Im here. Im not leaving you alone. I could have sworn he moved his head closer to mine, but when he passed there was a definate tug in my chest. so something happened. I felt peace enter me and honoured to have been with him as he left this life.
@@JanetHiggins-w9l How beautiful. That must surely be the most glorious way to pass - to be held in the arms of their beloved, being soothed and reassured as they pass from this world to the next. How fortunate you both were to have known such long-lasting love.
My mother died 3 months ago. She landed in the hospital a few weeks before Christmas & declined rapidly during her last 2 months, moving from hospital to rehab facility & back several times. She kept telling me, how tired she was all the time & just too exhausted to participate in the physical therapy. I knew the end was near & I prayed to my long deceased grandfather (her dad) to please come & collect her because she’s ready & it’s her time. Within a few days, she became unresponsive & entered what I now know as the “actively dying” phase.
During this stressful time I had difficulty sleeping & was always on edge. One night I actually had a dream (unusual because I’d been sleeping so poorly, if at all) that she was back at her house, seemingly well & I was with her helping her carry some suitcases. In the dream I loaded the suitcases into the trunk of her car & waved “so long” as she happily drove off.
I woke up abruptly, not realizing I was dreaming because it was so vivid! It took a few minutes for me to get my bearings & I soon realized that it wasn’t going to be much longer. She passed within about a week. I was strangely at peace with it. So much so that I surprised my relatives & even myself. I also dare say I felt a sense of relief.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and she has started to visit me in my dreams. The first dream I had was with her & the whole family around the table laughing & joking around. I cracked a joke & made her laugh, when suddenly she broke into tears saying “I’m sure going to miss you!” That dream left me with such a feeling of sadness. I’ve had other dreams of her since then, and all leave me feeling very melancholy & despondent.
Pray for her.
Nurse Julie, thank you for sharing your knowledge. My father past last January, in my home, I noticed the discoloration of skin, in hands and feet, the change in temperature, and breathing. I Brought this to the attention of the doctor's. They didn't mention anything. I only wish I found you sooner on Utube.
Where is a Quality Commitment Minded Man for this AMAZING Woman!?!!!!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel a whole lot better now. ❤️
Thank you for all the great educational content you make around a topic most in healthcare won’t even come near. Keep up the great work! Signed, a hospice and palliative medicine doc
I have a question for you, my mom died almost 2 years ago. I was with her at the hospital up until her last night. Dad stayed but I was exhausted so I went home. At 2am I woke up suddenly I didn't really need to go to the restroom but I did. I came back to bed as soon as I laid down my phone rang mom was gone. I think she woke me up. Has anyone else had this happen to them?
Yes. To me. Very close friend.
Not quite the exact situation, but I lost my dad in October 2010. I live in another state from my hometown, and I had been staying with my mom while he was in ICCU. My husband had to be at home most of the time to work and care for our pets. He did make the 4-hour drive on Halloween (Sunday). We were reunited, and my in-laws stopped by to see how my mom and I were doing. At the last minute, my husband & I decided to go out for dinner. When we arrived back at the hospital, my dad was gone. My mom and aunt told me he asked where I was and where was "C", my husband. They told him we were together at dinner. That was what he needed to know. He had to make sure my husband would be there, but he didn't want either of us at the hospital. I thank my dad for that every night.
I've experienced many signs & visits afterwards but can't recall one before. There are many who have experienced signs or visits right before or when a loved one moves on ahead. I think your Mom may have sent a soft kiss that woke you❤
Yes. I was 1500 miles away when my mom died one May morning. I was sound asleep when a powerful wind blew through my room and woke me up. There were no windows open. It was 3:05. I went back to sleep but was woken up a few hours later when the hospital staff told me my mom died at 3:05.
My mom was on hospice in my home. Her hospital bed was in my living room and I slept on a mattress on the floor next to her. At 6:35am I woke up suddenly and sat straight up and I knew she had just passed, my brother 1200 miles away woke up at the exact same time. I knew she was letting us know ♥️
Excellent, Tx, Nurseperson
My goodness , what a beautiful woman.
Thank you, Jules, love you ♥️
Glad you are discussing this topic.
I think people hold on. Not sure how they are capable, but I've seen it happen twice.
I appreciated the time CHOP gave me to hold my 15 month old baby after she had died after a heart operation. It was a time of intense grief but also a help to me.
Thank you for such informative information on the death and drying process.
A question I have is what is or are ways to assist family while being a volunteer hospice sitter in their home ?
Love to you and all who are grieving.❤❤❤
Very informative... Thank You 🙏
YR WONDERFUL.. TY!! ♥️🙌♥️
♥️🤗 thank you for your time!! 🙂
My dearest friend is end-stage live cancer and has chosen Palliative Care over Hospice, as she feels Hospice would d/c her from the care team she's had since her dx 24 months ago. Your thoughts on the differences & how they may affect her final days? She prefers not dying at home. Thx for your channel. Bro-in-law passed of CA 6 mo. ago & your info. rings so true. 🌸
Looking so pretty as usual 😍♥️
What's your opinion about cremation vs. Burial? Also I'm thinking about donating my body to science. What is your opinion about? Thank you for what you do you've taken that fear out of dying.
Please talk about "green" alternatives to cremation or burial. I hope one of those methods is available for me in my state when my time comes.
I used to want to donate my body to science but now I've heard horror stories about people who sell our loved ones' bodies for parts instead, and provide fake ashes.
@@teresawood6830 - what was your source for hearing abt body parts being sold and faux ashes?
@@bethanyanderson1745 It was the podcast Criminal with Phoebe Judge. There were criminal charges brought against the owner of a funeral home in the Colorado, Sunset Mesa. FBI was involved, they were found guilty and recently sentenced.
@@teresawood6830 - thank you for kindly replying. I admit to a mild case of shock that you actually offer valid sources. More often ppl recite friends, if they respond at all.
Major shock over the incident though. This kind of story is supposed to be confined to campfire, not real life!
@@bethanyanderson1745 your question was a good reminder that I should have cited my source instead of just posting an inflammatory statement. The victims were pressured into donating their lives ones' bodies to science and offered a $1000 discount on the cost of their services.
You are a wonderful person!
We took care of my Mom at home til she died. She waited until the only time both of us left her room (a nurse friend had come and told us to go lie down. No sooner were we both out of the room, than she died. I know that’s how she wanted it. There is grief counselors.
I read everything by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She was the first to talk about death. I found a video on a song called “The Coffin Dance” with delightful men from Ghana who are trained to do that. There’s also a video of the man who trains them all. His philosophy is exactly what mine is; We should mourn at birth and celebrate death!! We do it backwards. Thanks for your video! 😊❤
Same thing with my dad. He waited for me to be out of the room, but my husband came in while I was trying to get some rest telling 'something's happening' that's when I jumped up and ran to his room just as he was going into cardiac arrest. I know he didn't want me to see it, but I did and it will haunt me the rest of my life.
Years ago I was a secretary at a church. I would visit members in the hospital sometimes. One very much older man who had pretty much had no hearing didn't have his hearing aids in, and he and I held conversation without a problem. He died within a couple of days.
Thank God for tge 12 Step program!!
My dad had no changes in breathing until a few minutes before he passed on hospice. He started breathing really fast, his heart was racing. Then he turned his head looked at my mother’s picture, mouthed some words and he was gone. Mottling started and progressed over 5 hours, he stopped making urine 3 hours before he passed, during the time before that three hours his eyes were following any visitors, and he would raise his eyebrows when we spoke to him. He hadn’t been eating or drinking for 5 days. It seemed crazy fast that he passed quickly at the end of his dying process. Hospice was very helpful. The nurse had been there earlier in the day and guesstimate was 3-4 days. She was surprised that he went so quickly.
Please accept my condolences. It's so hard to lose a parent. Your Dad was blessed with a painless, fast passing at the end. It sounds like he was in a rush to get to your Mom, maybe? Please remember it's not "Goodbye" but "Until we meet again"
Wishing you peace & serenity❤
My current partner is of age, and not in good health I find that I distance myself from this to ease the grief when he finally passes, but feel guilty being like this, and realize that I will indeed miss him greatly when he has gone, what would be your advise on this matter?
Thanks Julie for another great video. Are some people confused about not giving food or water to someone in hospice and their not being a DNR for your patient? Can you touch upon DNRs?
Are there differences in the passing of people whom everyone agrees was a wonderful person versus those who were narcissistic jerks? I would hate to think that someone like Pol Pot died happily.
Do you think they are hanging on for you? Yes, you did and they let themselves go when you left for a moment; they couldn't pass with you there.
I just love your lipstick!
As always, Thank you!
WHEN IT'S YR TIME TO GO, YOU WILL 🙌♥️
So pretty! 🌺💐
My grandpa died from lung cancer. He was 84 and he didn't want anything for his pain. He died one month after being diagnosed. When he died his eyes were wide open and his arm was raised up along with one leg and mouth wide open. He didn't look peaceful and I never got to say goodbye 😢 I can't imagine the pain he went through 😢
julie my precious dad passed in the hospital with Comfort Care. My 95 year old dad went the dieing process. You don't ever talk about stroke patients. He had a stroke when he found him in his chair. He passed 2 1/2 days later. Thank you I have been watching you and it helped me prepare.
I've had a couple NDEs from anaphylactic shock (hope the meds kick in before shock completely takes over kind of deal) & it was easier to just relax & let stuff happen when no one was around "gawking".
I was my uncles caretaker when I was 40 and he was 49, about 9 month before he went. I felt so alone, week and strong all at the same time. We need (wink wink) caretakers class. After it was over the hospice nurse was there and told me to get a black trash bag. She started retrieving all the heavy drugs and took them with her. Was that right? Thanks for all you do
When my sister passed at home on Hospice my Mom & another sister put all the meds down the sink. I asked why they were doing it & they said that they needed to go. Now, looking back, I'm thinking it was because another close family member was there who was an addict. Prescriptions cannot be transferred & Hospice can't use them for another patient.
@@laurierice7687 There may be a better way environmentally, I can't honestly remember what I did with the morphine syringes and fentanyl patches. I think the hospice nurse was here for that. All the over-the-counter meds we're soaked in used coffee grounds before sealing and adding to the trash. Nobody else was here so no danger of theft.
My mom has a hemoglobin level of 5.5. Stage 4 ckd. She is 93. Dr says ckd is secondary to hemoglobin level. Mom doesn't want transfusion, which Dr advised. Also recommended hospice, which she doesn't feel shes ready for.She does not want to prolong. with that being said, what kind of time frame are we looking at? I would like to hear more about low hemoglobin levels and symptoms.
Hospice doesn't prolong life through extraordinary means or speed up death. They are there to help her to be comfortable and live out her time. Being comfortable could help her live a bit longer, time to put affairs in order and say goodbye.
They are also there to help the family. They've been a godsend to me for two family members.
Thanks
Thank you.
I did have a hard of hearing patient that developed hyperacuity of hearing as he was actively dying.
Julie, can you help me? My mother has dementia and is on hospice. She is able to tell me that she is not hungry, that she does not want to eat, to not give her anymore. However when I present the spoon with food, she opens her mouth and accepts it. She will not stop eating when food is presented. This behavior just started a few days ago. Yesterday, I obviously gave her more than I should have; she vomited. How do I proceed here? Thank you.
Julie, I wish I had found your channel before my father passed. We (his family) didn't know he was terminal until my brother got the phone call from Hospice that he had passed. He was alone.
My grandmother died in a hospital before there was such a thing as hospices. She was in a lot of pain. One day she started screaming that she wanted to go home. They sedated her. She... went home.
My hubby is end stage genetic copd. Alpha one allele ZZ. He was officially diagnosed 16 yrs ago. His recent spirometry was fev1% at 20 post after albuterol was 30. DLCO at 49. His first pulmonologist gave him 18 months to live. Well…16 yrs have passed. Yesterday was told he has two yrs. This has been the most stress. He is now 62. How do we know when he will die.
How do you know when to stop giving patients food and water then? I mean there has been times where people do come back from the brink of death, their supposed to die and they don't. How do you know that not feeding them and giving them something to drink isn't lessening the chances of them possibly coming back? Great example is Anita Moorjani... She had stage 4 Cancer and had grapefruit-sized tumors all over, all of her organs shut down and they told her family these are her last hours. But she had a miraculous near-death experience and was basically told that she could go back and that she was going to heal and within three weeks they couldn't find any cancer in her body.. doctors from all around the world have flown to Hong Kong to look at her medical records.
End of life regrets?
Good morning, I don't know if you will get this question but I am considering getting certified as a death doula and I was wondering if you have seen families use a death doula and whether you think they are beneficial to the patient and to the family. I had never heard of a death doula til recently and I have been in Healthcare for 20 years.
Thank you Julie for always informing us. Knowledge is definitely power.
BTW This 💄 looks great on you.
Hot date? Or feeling sexaaay? 😂💋
I hope so. 🤗
You are such a beautiful person
Inside & out.
Regarding, "End of Life Medicine"
How do I rationalize "End of Life medicine" when some religions would consider it suicide ? 🤔
If helping a person pass on peacefully through medication is considered suicide, then applying cpr or mouth to mouth to a drowning victim must be witch craft or sorcery?? C'mon, use common sense please
My dad said he saw grandad before he died. The told him grandad had been dead a long time and he said no, he was here. So interesting
Struggle vrs Slow Shutdown
You must use a beauty filter?
When the marriage going to happen
Good grief! She just started dating a minute ago
Don't be a weird creep
Dad heard from Doctor he wasn't dying fast enough.
My momwas pushing herself back in the bed with her eyes wide open and I made them get her pain medicine. Was she in pain? I just felt she did not pass peacefully.
But she's glowing
Do avowed atheists experience visits from the after world?
I am absolutely enthralled by your observations. You're awesome.
Please take off lipstick 💄
💙👌🫡
I don't see a ring on your finger yet
Dont be weird. That statement makes you sound like a total creep
Back off, Jack!
Hi Julie, can you explain why my dad was gasping whilst he was on oxygen, he was twitching and ‘fishing’ in bed?
yes- ill make video- but for now now that is actually a type of breath at happens at the end of life.
I'm not looking forward to my husband departure from this earth. I told him I will be on the bed with him holding him. He has hospice right now and they are wonderful people. Its really hard not knowing how long we have left.
Hugs to you 🤗
Thank you.