Only recently did I start to try to be openly autistic, by doing things you said like stimming on public. I like to swing my legs back and forth on a chair very fast and kick high when nervous. In a stressful public place I just DID it recently. I said, "So what, let them think I'm weird, I don't care anymore. It's only a 'made -up' rule that adults aren't supposed to do this." Turns out everyone is so self-involved that I did not see any one notice!! Ha! I also have always done my best not to cry in public, stopped that too. Now if I feel the tears coming I just let them flow out of my eyes. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of my emotions, or the intense fear and anxiety that comes with certain social or public situations. If I need to cry, then I think it is literally best for me to just cry. Conclusion: Less burnout. The energy it was taking me to hold my behaviors back and my feelings in was incredibly draining and I never realized that.
I agree with not holding back on my emotions. I think for me it also depends on where and when I am when I cry. I cry loudly so I definitely will not cry at a place meant for silence, like a library that I go sometimes
Thank you for the vulnerability it takes to share this. I have an ADHD diagnosis and autism self-diagnosis and after being undiagnosed most of my life it's hard not to think of myself as lazy, not strong enough or worthless.
Can I relate to any of this? Yes, all of it. I'm especially ashamed that I can't stop myself from a meltdown. Sometimes I've gone for extended periods of time without a meltdown and I think that I've grown out of it. Then it happens again. I've tried to shape my world to avoid situations that might lead to meltdown, but then people start thinking that I'm elitist because I won't go to lunch with a large group at a noisy restaurant. Or I don't want to go to an amusement park, etc. I am shamed by others for not being able to control myself from having a meltdown. It helps me a lot to be reminded that there are others out there with similar experiences. B.
I have been recognizing my own internalized ableism for the last year or so. I also have discovered that I deserve my own compassion as much as anyone else deserves my compassion. It is a process and a practice to learn to be more gentle with myself instead of shaming myself. Great video!
I have definitely struggled with internalized ableism, particularly when it comes to my mental disabilities and my autism. I am diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Autistic Disorder (otherwise known as autism). My self-hate is heavily influenced by other people. Whenever I tell somebody my experiences with mental health, some people tend to say that I'm being self-centered or that I think I'm better than everybody else with these comments mostly coming from autistic people. This lead me to believe that I'm a sociopath for telling people about my autism/mental health or that I was misdiagnosed as a kid. I thought of myself as somebody destined to be bullied and dogpiled on all my life because I'm different from everybody else. In fact, I used to call myself the R word whenever I felt upset because of all the bullying and abuse I dealt with. I'm trying to find a way to make me feel better about myself as a disabled person. Thank you so much for the video.
I don't have the words to describe how helpful this video was to me. I'm autistic and ADHD with hEDS and chronic fatigue syndrome, and I feel the way you do. Thank you for making and sharing this video. I hope you can have the care and compassion for yourself that you have for everyone else.
Thank you so much for this...funnily I had the idea that other autistics mostly were 'ok' with it, and that I was 'bad' because I had the thoughts you describe here and more...Inside I say, "I'm a giant loser, I can't do anything, I'm disgusting, I let everyone down because they expect more of me, people think I am lazy I must be useless'. etc etc on and on.
decorating my wheelchair with paint and duck tape really helped me accept and embarrass my wheelchair. I also try really hard not to mask. I'm learning not to be so anxious about being a part time wheelchair user and to mention when things aren't accessible.
This video was such a huge help. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, autism, and GAD but I'm constantly sure that I'm faking them all as an excuse for being lazy and stupid. My partner doesn't understand it because he says the diagnoses are very clear, but I can't stop thinking that I've made it all up. It was really reassuring to know that you struggle with this too and to have a name for it! Thank you so much.
Yes, I have done that to myself most of my life. I recently (at the age of 63) realised I probably (almost certainly) have inattentive ADHD and some degree of dyscalculia. Now I'm beginning to learn not only to cut myself some slack, but also to really celebrate my achievements. Thank you, Purple Ella, your videos are super useful and encouraging.
It's realy hard to not do this to ourself and try to understand and accept it. This week i noticed i was working myself into the ground and needed to work less even tough i realy love my work and don't want to go home alot of the time. So i talked to my manager and he helped me with making sure i didn't do any overtime this coming period. I also said that i was realy anxious to tell this because i realy like my job and i don't want to go trough the whole process of finding a new job again and everything that comes with that. I also acceptrr that i can't always handel the amount of people in public transport so when i notice this i switch to first class instead of suffering trough it:).
i feel as though i've been doing a really good job combatting my internalized ableism; i let myself stim, i let myself say no to things when i need to, i let myself rest on days when i can't do anything without crying because of the pain. i am kind to myself when i have meltdowns and shutdowns, and when an activity is causing me pain i make myself take a break instead of powering through because i need to take a break and that's okay. i didn't realise how much i pretended to be neurotypical. i thought i was just masking, and i suppose i am, because thats what it is, isn't it? if i'm at an event or something similar, i don't let myself do the things i need. i don't give myself rest, or breaks. i'm not doing things i need to do, because i have to be a "normal" person. in all other areas of my life, i fight against "being normal", and it's only just now that i've realised i'm not fully supporting myself. but now that i know, i can work on being kinder to myself, and lessen my internalised ableism. it's easy to focus on the negatives, but when we choose to be positive things get a little better. i can change and i can be kind. "focus on what you can do, not what you can't do." thank you for that !
As someone on the autism spectrum, I stim by wiggling every now and then and it feels good and not ashamed of who I am at all. Love what is said! Thank you!
Thanks so much for posting this. I have some of the same thoughts myself. Especially when I’m not sure if my needs are real or if I’m making excuses to myself. It doesn’t help that I’ve heard similar comments from people who I know well and are convinced I’m making excuses.
Very relatable. I have confirmed autism (with some level of dyspraxia) and epilepsy plus a high probability of functional vision loss for my whole life. I use my internal ablism to motivate myself to do better and more. And I always put the needs of society above mine. However, I still have a happy life with a highly paid job, autistic family, and some friends.
Any advice on how to deal with people's comments? "Stop doing that ( stim) " "Why do u need a mobility aid today when you could walk fine yesterday?" I feel like every time I work myself up to being openly disabled ( ie being autistic in public , ear defenders stiming or using a mobility aid ) Someone says something and I try to hide it all all over again. I want to be better at this I feel like hidding it is teaching my son ( also disabled) that there is something shameful about needing supports.
I feel that being unapologetic about why you’re doing or needing something when people question you does the trick. NT’s usually stop bothering you when you’re straight forward. I wish people were sometimes, then there’s “less to interpret”. But I feel with being apologetic is then you yourself will stop being apologetic about who you are. You shouldn’t feel sorry for existing, just exist as you are, and comfortably. Why be uncomfortable for others when you can be comfortable for yourself?
Thank you ❤ 🙏😊 this was very helpful for me. Im very ablist to myself. I have multiple screlosis. Literally have spent days laying down instead of using my walking stick or asking my OT for a referral for a walker I've pushed through and then had really crappy days afterwards trying to recover doing nothing but laying in bed and unable to have a shower ect I feel like people around me when I had a relapse treated me very badly at one stage so I do that to myself. I would say to myself, " get the f**K up. Why can't you move? Just move legs! Stop being lazy! Whats wrong with you!? Yet I never use my walking stick to get me moving in public. Only at home. Only in recent years I have parked in the disabled parking lot. Despite being harassed by bystanders. I don't care anymore. This I have improved on.
You are incredible! I’ve had arthritic conditions which have made me need a wheelchair, cane, braces-I can relate. I also have CFS & fibromyalgia-actually several nerve injuries, torn rotator cuff, & still arthritis in neck and back😭. A huge part of any kind of recovery is to practice loving, kind, compassion towards ourselves. I’m also in AA and love their recovery sayings like “HALT” (stop and practice self care when ‘hungry, angry, lonely, tired’), “One day at a time”, or when telling people we are “fine” it really means “fearful, insecure, neurotic and emotional”, so practicing ‘identifying and expressing feelings’ is a big one for me, part of my recovery-which will be ongoing throughout life & even though the challenges don’t disappear I embrace my recovery journey!🤗
I definitely relate to that negative brain voice. "Why can't you just cope like everybody else" is probably the biggest one for me. I want to work on this too. I've been thinking about maybe writing supportive + encouraging notes to myself that I could stick around my living space. It's challenging to come up with those things in the moment and talk back to the negative voice.
😭 everything around minute 6-8.... it’s like Im listening to my own heart begging myself to stop doing this to me. Ive been using the, if you wouldn’t treat your loved ones that way, don’t dare treat yourself that way 💜 it’s helped me with some really difficult depressive spells.
Thanks for having the courage to share this with us. It rings so true! I struggle with this as well; I am so hard on myself and can't admit when I need support until it's too late. This may be the hardest part of my Autism for me right now: learning to accept my needs and know when I need support.
This was so hard to watch and I couldn't stop the tears. I feel exactly the same way and couldn't put words to it. I have hEDS, fibromyalgia and Im pretty sure I either have ADHD or austism too. My son also has hEDS, ADHD and I suspect Autism and Im always advocating for him yet so i'm hard on myself. I always push myself too hard and end up with dislocations because my internal dialog is I can keep going or I should be able to do this.. I also really struggle to use my mobility aids for the exact same reasons you mentioned. I really want to work on this and start being my own best supporter. Thanks for sharing.
I am currently in tears from the pain my ehlers danlos is causing me. Yesterday I forced myself to use my crutch because I don't have a way to bring my chair. I needed to buy things for mothers day brunch and my son's birthday today. I messed up. I can't move. I couldn't sleep because of the pain. I'm venting. End rant.
I've definitely been struggling this in the 10 years since my diagnosis of autism at age 30. After the diagnosis I experimented with disclosing to people and advocating for my needs and asking for help. Unfortunately I had a lot of bad responses to those choices. From other people I received a lot of ableist responses. In the last decade I have become very discouraged about my diagnosis. It does not seem to be helpful for me. I can educate myself and try to educate others but it does not change that when I reveal my disability people still treat me as if I am not and expect more of me. My disability means that I will go ahead and try to fill their expectations even though I know better. I'm not really aware of the feelings but the cognition involved is that if they don't accept and respect my disability, then I will erase my disability so that I still have a chance of receiving their acceptance. It is very bizarre. I know it's wrong but it is emotionally powerful thought. So I will say nevermind I'm not autistic , or I will say okay you're right I should be able to do this I'll try harder to please you, and then either way don't know how to get out of the Trap.
I will tell myself I'm not disabled because I've been able to do something in the past successfully but my disability is getting in the way at this present attempt. People will tell me look I know you are perfectly capable of functioning in this way because I've seen you do it before. And they're right. I don't have a retort to that that will make them back off. The only thing I can tell them whether I disclose my disability or not is that I'm getting overwhelmed and I need to step back from the situation before I can approach it again. Unfortunately people will prevent me from doing that once they learn that it is my accommodation that I'm asking they will say no to it and told me I don't really need it based on their personal experience of me. I have absolutely internalised other people thinking this and I will tell myself the same things.
I had this a couple of weeks ago. I have endometriosis and it gives me severe pains in my pelvis and lower back. It also affects my legs. I was using a stick to try and help myself and all my brain was doing was attacking me! I could see people looking and all i could think was "I'm too young for using a stick". My brain works exactly the same it likes to attack itself all the time! I relate to every single thing you've said in this video. 💚
I totally relate to this. Esp. mobility aids - I had a period of time where my knee was out and I needed crutches to walk, and I was so ashamed to ask the doctor for them, and so ashamed when I saw my friends or took a walk with my partner while using crutches. I guess the phrase "using X like a crutch" really sinks in until you've internalized the ableism without even realizing it.
I am somewhat newly diagnosed and definitely relate to all of this. It is very helpful to hear someone else talk about it to me. To hear an outside confirming opinion. Thanks.
Thank you I have Auditory Processing Disorder , Dyscalculia and a mild form of Cerebral Palsy and I think only recently realised I struggle with internalized ablism . And this is definitely something I would like to work on. :)
I get this. When I have to shop, I lean on a shopping cart instead of using one of those little motorized buggies, because I'm overweight due to poor mobility, and I know what people think about fat women motoring around in carts in the grocery.... Never mind that everything is a result of my chronic health issues.
Thanks for this and your content in general. Mid-life recognition of Autism and the life-review that go with it make me eager to be aware of ableism, internal and outward, and to uproot it. I'm just much more mindful of it within and without now, seeing it where I would have been oblivious before. I hope to work on it as I have with other forms of imposed bias, like internalized homophobia or internalized classism or internalized racialism, I hope in a well-paced and conscious way, avoiding a tendency to react too fast. This kind of growth never stops, and I am glad about that part... I am also giving myself more permission to stim at home or in public and finding it helpful, and in some contexts am not exaclty masked or unmasked, but more like veiled... at home I do what I want, but for example I consciously flapped my hand when standing alone at the dairy case at the grocer and having a 2 minute minor decision delay about what product to choose, and I discover also that no one cares if I'm walking on my toes behind the shopping cart, or standing on toes to look down an aisle or scan the store.
My GP is able ist about mobility aids. I changed my GP who I asked for help with walking. He refused, laughed and said, "I'm not going to tell you you can't walk" I explained I'm telling you I can't walk, I want physio, mobility aids. My new doctor sent me to physio they told me they couldn't help. Another physio gave me exercise including squats after I told her I can't stand for long? In the end you start believing you're making excuses and frustrated at the lack of belief and lack of support. This vid is very relatable.
This video is incredibly helpful. Thank you for talking about this and sharing your internal world. I could relate to so much of what you said. It IS so hard. It helps to talk about it. ✨💖thank you💖✨
Oh yes, I beat myself up inside about what others might think of me. It used to be that I felt too fat to be seen, even though I was only 30 pounds over weight. Or that people were just always judging me. That was long ago before I knew about autism. But aside from the ND, I remember several years ago, after a bad fall traveling in Europe, I needed to use crutches to spare my knee. I was exhausted trying to get around old cities on crutches. It didn't help that very few people acknowledged my presence, when they could have courteously given me room to maneuver. People walking and on bikes just cut me off as I was trying to cross streets. I felt invisible. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Angry. So yes, I think I understand a little how you might feel needing to use mobility aids. When I go for a walk with my husband and dog, it's so much easier to ride my bike alongside, rather than feel exhausted trying to keep up. I totally appreciate you, Purple Ella! ❤️ (I think we need a new sweatshirt with a phrase to capture the sentiment of this video - wink, wink!)
Thank you so much, this really hits home. Glad I can accept and fulfill my needs better now. I've shared this with my boyfriend and sister so they can understand me better too. Love your videos! xx
Loving the conclusion to this video, peeps on the spectrum have tons to offer and believe in celebrating strengths. Others can help me organise, my creative ideas need to be heard.
Examples of internalized ableism: Masking Not reporting or calling out ableist bullying Being afraid of disclosing Saying yes when you know it's too much Not asking for accommodations or minimizing your support needs
Thank you for being so honest about your struggles, Ella! I too struggle with internalized ableism. I think it’s easier to accept others’ disabilities than it is to accept our own, for whatever reason! Maybe it’s the way that we’re socialized to put others ahead of ourselves? You’re really a lovely person and I enjoy your videos!
Found out at 23 I have vasovagal syncope and memories of school came washing in I passed out in class daily i would tell the teacher my symptoms as they were happening and they’d tell me I was just making it up and I don’t try hard enough I remember trying to fight it and I literally could not. My mom had a heart attack when I was young and they didn’t know what caused it, so she told the school that and she told them to call her when or if anything happens to me. I told her about this happening to me and she specifically told them to call her when I pass out.. they never once did they just gaslit me and would even smack my desk which would make me jump and pass right back out. They shamed me and called me manipulative and no matter what I did I was always wrong. I would try to understand the work by asking questions which I was told was okay and I was met with “you’re just stalling” and then I was mocked in front of the entire class ON TOP of that I also didn’t know I had celiac disease and I’m autistic. (The doctor refused to put autistic on my record and gave me a fake dx(Severe ADHD with autistic traits… I’m ADHD and Autistic)) My body was falling apart I was constantly misunderstood and gaslit and I ended up with severe plantar fasciitis because I didn’t know I had celiac for SO LONG it destroyed my body and I’m sure it’s a big reason I struggled so badly with EVERYTHING I couldn’t THINK I couldn’t remember shit I was also dealing with childhood PTSD and they’d tell me to “leave my problems at the door” I begged for help for years before I realized I can’t fight my passing out no matter how much sleep I got and I couldn’t get help to understand the work.. I didn’t know it but I was actually protecting myself by just laying down and sleeping instead of trying to fight it and trying to get help I’ll never get
I do have these thoughts about myself and sometimes even wonder about others as well, thinking, do they just not try hard enough? BUT what I'm finding the absolute kicker right now is that when I'm beginning to have some grace for myself, those days my husband fills the role and is quietly resentful of me for the things I have not done that day. This just sounds like a poor me boohoo rant, but this is literally THE thing that seems to be the hardest to figure out. Sometimes the desire to be as able as others is what is keeping me active and productive. I usually make sure to have a lot of committments to the things I care about because I am very good at keeping these committments. It is the home life that is harder because I think ok well I can do that when I'm feeling better. So my husband ends up feeling uncared for because I haven't made meals or left the kitchen untidy. (Honestly my house keeping is pretty good actually) I really do try to do these things and am constantly wondering if I really am just a lazy unmotivated person who can't be bothered, but I see these words and I absolutely know it is not true. I am a hard working, caring and sincere individual who is striving always to do her best. I am at a loss for a solution to the trouble in my marriage. I've asked him if I get formal diagnosis for the problems I'm having would that help him to understand..he doesn't think so. Maybe you have advice?
Thank you for your honest video permeated with the inspiring strength of vulnerability. Wishing you the best of success in your growth towards self-acceptance and self-compassion and away from internalised, ableism. Kindest regards.
It’s hard for me to accept my physical limitations when I am only 24. I do not have a diagnosis that explains all of my symptoms and because of this, I am very ablest towards myself.
I am very late to this party but have my 2 cents worth. I am autistic and find driving a car VERY stressful. It’s not that I can’t drive. In fact, from 2013-2021 I was a long haul truck driver! What I can’t handle is having no control over the actions of others on the road while in a car - tailgating, dangerous and selfish driving. I gave myself SUCH a hard time over this. I am scared, a snowflake, pathetic. Everyone else is fine, even others with ASD can drive, what’s my problem? Get over myself and just drive. But I’m working on being kind and compassionate with myself. If car driving causes me such anxiety, there are ways around it. My husband is very happy to be my chauffeur. There’s Uber, deliveries. Just because I need these things in order to be sane doesn’t make me less than. I now see stress caused by forcing myself into a NT way of living to be like this insidious cancer. At first, masking, doing stuff that causes debilitating anxiety and pain is ok. But it eats away at you, physically and emotionally until one day it’s unbearable. Now when I feel pressure to mask or do something that I find upsetting, I ask myself if this is worth my life. The answer is never “yes”.
I try really hard not to be ableist to myself or let others decide my worth. But based off of my disability, most people decide my worth. I have a brain injury and people with brain injuries are always the butt of the joke. Most people think that having a brain injury means that you’re a broken idiot that has no worth in society. When the majority of people think that, it’s pretty hard not to think it myself. It feels like whenever I am happy, I’ll still hear at least one ignorant comment and that takes away at least half of my happiness for the day. I don’t want to let people have this much power over my feelings, but they do. It feels like there’s no escape. I don’t know how many other people feel this way, but the worst part about it for me is I can’t write those people off as jerks. Most of the time they’re perfectly nice people. They just happen to say things that make me feel less than human. And when the majority of people who say those things are normal people, that just causes me to see myself as the flaw even more. 'These people are perfectly fine. There’s just something wrong with you. Why should you expect people to treat you with respect when your brain is broken?' I don’t know. At this point, I’m just tired and all I want is to be happy.
I am autistic and EDS. I can not use crutches as it seperates my shoulders. So I hobbled for short distances and stayed in a wheel chair for a year after breaking my foot.
I can relate to some of the mobility stuff and autism thing of acting neurotypical. Also my mom and girlfriend said i should use a cane or walking stick because I fall or often almost fall a lot. I feel weird and don’t want to because I feel like I don’t need it or I’m “not” disabled enough. That people will judge me and think I’m faking needing it. I’m not sure if any techniques on accepting that I can use a mobility device and is okay to. How to feel more comfortable with using one. Thank you for sharing it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.
Your video was very usefull thanks ! I liked how you illustrated your own ableism with exemple, it's help to understand and also to know that you aren't alone (we can be so hard with ourself...). I think internalised ableism can be feed by social anxiety, some of your exemples illustrated very well (according to much importants of what people will think, say etc). I think cognitive and behavioral therapy can be very usefull too, it helps a lot to deconstruct your negativ and automatic thoughts
Hi Ella, I’m so glad you make videos, you remind me so much of myself, i have a good career, a lovely family, a NT partner, I even have the EDS3! Being able to relate to what you are saying has made it much easier to be a bit kinder to myself at least for today 😉 despite suffering similarly, I’ve not managed to pluck up the courage to face the DLA system yet as I keep thinking..maybe I should just try harder, maybe I’m fine (despite diagnoses from the top clinicians in their field...I did my research and it had to be the leading experts) it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, why does it make sense when it’s in my head?
I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I just can't do some things, and I don't think I'm going to be as great as i could be. I can't work and struggle at the moment to do really anything apart from basic things like feeding myself, washing myself, and little menial things like TV and simple hobbies. I'm also living back at my parents and they don't believe I'm autistic, they make me feel like I can do anything if I just try, but they look a t it from a neurotypical lens and so I ignore what I do really struggle with
Just found your channel! I love it! It’s very similar to the mission my channel. I am illegally blind me with two toddlers. I am also speaking about Ableism on my channel. Great minds think a like! Keep it up girl!
Thank you. I do this too. I think when you keep hearing you are worthless from able bodied people, you wind up believing it. Whether or not it's true, it becomes internalized. I have an autoimmune disability, too. You must be going through hell with CFS and Ehler Danlos Syndrome. I just read a wonderful book by someone with Ehler-Danlos Syndrome. It's called, "Doing Harm, The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick ," by Maya Dusenbery. Seriously, you are a good, intelligent person and deserve to be treated as such. What amazes me about ableists, is how they can flippantly take a sentient being, an intelligent person and relegate him or her to the garbage heap. My landlord told me that if I were sick back over a hundred years ago, I'd be left for dead. Sadly, I think ableists are narcissists, and believe they're better because our culture tells them they're better. I've learned that if there's a opportunity for a person believe themselves superior to others, most people will eat it up and flaunt that status. Only insecure people need to bask in any alleged higher status. Sad as it is, I trust other disabled people more than able bodied people because I know we are less likely to be full of ourselves and arrogant like ableists are.
Yeah. I have a lot of denial abilism. But even before the physical issues nothing I did was ever “good enough” in my own brain either. If I deny having to use mobility aides then I can deny that I have problems that I hate that I have.
How how pervasive years of reinforcement self imposed of abelistic traits occurred at times when inability to read social cues and faces as causal events were encountered but with counter thoughts strong enough or available aren't in place or are viewed through abelistic perspectives. "Well sh...t" at least can interposed some relievable humor.
i have to assume (being i do this to myself as well) that we are harder on ourselves because someone told us we were something other than worthy at some important developmental point in our lives. 0_o
I’ve found for myself that all my negative opinions about myself aren’t actually my own. They’re internalized comments that negative adults have said to me to try and “fix” me. The worst offender was my dad, but my mom was sneakier about being nasty. My dad would say to my face that I was lazy, or stupid, or not enough, but my mom would do things like look at a grade on a paper I wrote in an evening (>95% usually) and say things like “Thats great, but imagine how much better your grade would have been if you had actually applied yourself” I still have difficulties ignoring those internalized thoughts, but it’s way easier knowing that they aren’t “mine”, I’m just repeating what other people have said about me. Instead of them overwhelming me constantly, they’re more like actually hearing someone saying them externally and I can mentally counter with “that’s not true” and be less likely to spiral.
I am a high functioning aspie and I can’t stand when people stereotype. I am possibly prone to anger when this happens. I hate it because most strangers think I am a bully when I am just anxious doing nothing unusual because of my own facial expression. It’s not there fault because people are just going through doing there day to day basis have learned myself. If people are mean anyway I have learned not to give a flying f. Also I don’t just have autism I am also diagnosed with generalized anxiety with OCD which makes me appear even more disabled on top of having a could more diagnoses.
Ugh, this is so hard to hear, because i don't go out, we never go anywhere and a few hours on my feet= huge amounts of pain (hEDS). I just have accepted that I can't do things, instead of supporting myself to do what i want to do.
I'm a recently (2 year) diagnosed Autistic Female. I live with my boyfriend. I got diagnosed because I got extremely stuck when I moved out of my parent's house. Whenever I start stimming, my boyfriend starts looking at me. And so.. I stop doing it. How can I let him know that I need to stim in that moment? I just don't know what to say.
Hi Amber, I'd recommend finding information about how stimming helps our central nervous system to regulate to show him. Also perhaps he's looking because it's new and if you just carry on he will get used to it?
Hi, I fully understand about ablism, I spent many years trying to hid my Dyslexia (despite having study skills support through school and uni, I tried unsuccessfully to hide it the rest of the time). I also have PMDD (premenstrual Dismorphic disorder, for the uninitiated the simplest explanation is that I am allergic to my own reproductive hormones) and am on one of those long waiting lists for an altism assessment. I have found that as a PHD student I have been able to work a lot better being myself and telling my supervisors when I am stepping away form the pressure of life on campus for a few days to deal with my own needs. The academic community is one of the more accepting and all UK universities have to provide support for students which means once I move into working in the sector I will be able to access it still. It has been hard but through several years of counselling, specialist mental heath support (for a form of bulimia coursed by my PMDD) and ongoing mentoring support I have learnt to say no when things get too much and not to care about what others say. I have found that being true to myself is more important than what other people think, I have learnt that if people object to the way I am it is them who have the problem not me. I do not intend to shock, but I do not see any reason to fit in with all of the social norms that do not serve a practical purpose. Refusing to try and fit in has allowed me to be more creative and productive than when I struggled constantly with doing things I did not understand.
Internalized Ableism can also make other autistic people be ableist against other autistic people. I had this situation myself, and it was traumatic. They believed very strong in the stereotypes and always thought what they, as an autistic person can do/not do and said if a person is able to do stuff (like having friends) they cant be autistic, because they didnt had friends. They thought autistic people have to be exactly like something to be truly autistic. If they dont fit in that picture, they cant be autistic. They also invalidated EVERY autistic person on Instagram who's posting stuff about their experiences, and saying that everyone who posts about autism on instagram is spreading complete misinformation. They also didnt believe that self diagnosis is valid. Like ANY valid. They said self diagnosis is completely wrong and no one should ever self diagnose, and only doctors can diagnose you with it correctly. They bullied me then for thinking I'm autistic too and (for now, but I'm trying to get an official diagnosis also) self diagnosed. They denied everything and said I would fake it and just copy them, and that I'm not exactly like them so it couldn't be
I have NF1 and I see on social media so many people doing “nf1 horror/Halloween make up” to look like NF1 patients for Halloween it’s literally horrible
Did anyone else notice that she said believing in her own diagnoses was internally ableist? I think she meant not believing in them…or that she believes in her *own* diagnoses as in she’s making toxic stuff up to explain her problems rather than accepting the medical diagnoses. I’m confused 🙃
Only recently did I start to try to be openly autistic, by doing things you said like stimming on public. I like to swing my legs back and forth on a chair very fast and kick high when nervous. In a stressful public place I just DID it recently. I said, "So what, let them think I'm weird, I don't care anymore. It's only a 'made -up' rule that adults aren't supposed to do this." Turns out everyone is so self-involved that I did not see any one notice!! Ha! I also have always done my best not to cry in public, stopped that too. Now if I feel the tears coming I just let them flow out of my eyes. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of my emotions, or the intense fear and anxiety that comes with certain social or public situations. If I need to cry, then I think it is literally best for me to just cry. Conclusion: Less burnout. The energy it was taking me to hold my behaviors back and my feelings in was incredibly draining and I never realized that.
Excuse me, but what is stimming? I don't know this word, thank you
@@florence91000 Stimming is basically just random movements or vocalizations that provide comfort and self soothing to neurodivergent people.
I agree with not holding back on my emotions. I think for me it also depends on where and when I am when I cry. I cry loudly so I definitely will not cry at a place meant for silence, like a library that I go sometimes
Wow
Thank you for the vulnerability it takes to share this. I have an ADHD diagnosis and autism self-diagnosis and after being undiagnosed most of my life it's hard not to think of myself as lazy, not strong enough or worthless.
Can I relate to any of this?
Yes, all of it. I'm especially ashamed that I can't stop myself from a meltdown. Sometimes I've gone for extended periods of time without a meltdown and I think that I've grown out of it. Then it happens again. I've tried to shape my world to avoid situations that might lead to meltdown, but then people start thinking that I'm elitist because I won't go to lunch with a large group at a noisy restaurant. Or I don't want to go to an amusement park, etc.
I am shamed by others for not being able to control myself from having a meltdown.
It helps me a lot to be reminded that there are others out there with similar experiences.
B.
I have been recognizing my own internalized ableism for the last year or so. I also have discovered that I deserve my own compassion as much as anyone else deserves my compassion. It is a process and a practice to learn to be more gentle with myself instead of shaming myself. Great video!
It helps a lot hearing those things. I have a lot of internalised ableism towards myself as an autistic young woman. You help me feel less alone.
I have definitely struggled with internalized ableism, particularly when it comes to my mental disabilities and my autism. I am diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Autistic Disorder (otherwise known as autism). My self-hate is heavily influenced by other people. Whenever I tell somebody my experiences with mental health, some people tend to say that I'm being self-centered or that I think I'm better than everybody else with these comments mostly coming from autistic people. This lead me to believe that I'm a sociopath for telling people about my autism/mental health or that I was misdiagnosed as a kid. I thought of myself as somebody destined to be bullied and dogpiled on all my life because I'm different from everybody else. In fact, I used to call myself the R word whenever I felt upset because of all the bullying and abuse I dealt with. I'm trying to find a way to make me feel better about myself as a disabled person. Thank you so much for the video.
100% SAME 😭
I don't have the words to describe how helpful this video was to me. I'm autistic and ADHD with hEDS and chronic fatigue syndrome, and I feel the way you do. Thank you for making and sharing this video. I hope you can have the care and compassion for yourself that you have for everyone else.
As someone with ADHD abelisem is not a problem
@@thetornadocrusader968 Is that your experience? There are people with adhd that have definitely experienced ableism.
7:30 That's me, totally. Accepting yourself is not a destination, it's a direction in which we walk.
Thank you so much for this...funnily I had the idea that other autistics mostly were 'ok' with it, and that I was 'bad' because I had the thoughts you describe here and more...Inside I say, "I'm a giant loser, I can't do anything, I'm disgusting, I let everyone down because they expect more of me, people think I am lazy I must be useless'. etc etc on and on.
Bad does exist. There's no sense in thinking there isn't and I ahve never heard seen a good reason why it doesn't exist.
@@EuropeanQoheleth What do you mean by that?
decorating my wheelchair with paint and duck tape really helped me accept and embarrass my wheelchair. I also try really hard not to mask. I'm learning not to be so anxious about being a part time wheelchair user and to mention when things aren't accessible.
This video was such a huge help. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, autism, and GAD but I'm constantly sure that I'm faking them all as an excuse for being lazy and stupid. My partner doesn't understand it because he says the diagnoses are very clear, but I can't stop thinking that I've made it all up. It was really reassuring to know that you struggle with this too and to have a name for it! Thank you so much.
Yes, I have done that to myself most of my life. I recently (at the age of 63) realised I probably (almost certainly) have inattentive ADHD and some degree of dyscalculia. Now I'm beginning to learn not only to cut myself some slack, but also to really celebrate my achievements.
Thank you, Purple Ella, your videos are super useful and encouraging.
It's realy hard to not do this to ourself and try to understand and accept it. This week i noticed i was working myself into the ground and needed to work less even tough i realy love my work and don't want to go home alot of the time. So i talked to my manager and he helped me with making sure i didn't do any overtime this coming period. I also said that i was realy anxious to tell this because i realy like my job and i don't want to go trough the whole process of finding a new job again and everything that comes with that. I also acceptrr that i can't always handel the amount of people in public transport so when i notice this i switch to first class instead of suffering trough it:).
Yes to all of this. I am seriously my own worst enemy.
i feel as though i've been doing a really good job combatting my internalized ableism; i let myself stim, i let myself say no to things when i need to, i let myself rest on days when i can't do anything without crying because of the pain. i am kind to myself when i have meltdowns and shutdowns, and when an activity is causing me pain i make myself take a break instead of powering through because i need to take a break and that's okay.
i didn't realise how much i pretended to be neurotypical. i thought i was just masking, and i suppose i am, because thats what it is, isn't it? if i'm at an event or something similar, i don't let myself do the things i need. i don't give myself rest, or breaks. i'm not doing things i need to do, because i have to be a "normal" person.
in all other areas of my life, i fight against "being normal", and it's only just now that i've realised i'm not fully supporting myself. but now that i know, i can work on being kinder to myself, and lessen my internalised ableism. it's easy to focus on the negatives, but when we choose to be positive things get a little better. i can change and i can be kind. "focus on what you can do, not what you can't do." thank you for that !
Totally agree!
As someone on the autism spectrum, I stim by wiggling every now and then and it feels good and not ashamed of who I am at all. Love what is said! Thank you!
Thanks so much for posting this. I have some of the same thoughts myself. Especially when I’m not sure if my needs are real or if I’m making excuses to myself. It doesn’t help that I’ve heard similar comments from people who I know well and are convinced I’m making excuses.
Wow this hit me more than I thought it would I was crying because it’s true everything you said.
Thank you so much for this, I’m still combating my own internalized ableism and can relate to much of what you said. Thanks again
Very relatable. I have confirmed autism (with some level of dyspraxia) and epilepsy plus a high probability of functional vision loss for my whole life.
I use my internal ablism to motivate myself to do better and more.
And I always put the needs of society above mine.
However, I still have a happy life with a highly paid job, autistic family, and some friends.
Any advice on how to deal with people's comments?
"Stop doing that ( stim) "
"Why do u need a mobility aid today when you could walk fine yesterday?"
I feel like every time I work myself up to being openly disabled ( ie being autistic in public , ear defenders stiming or using a mobility aid )
Someone says something and I try to hide it all all over again.
I want to be better at this I feel like hidding it is teaching my son ( also disabled) that there is something shameful about needing supports.
I feel that being unapologetic about why you’re doing or needing something when people question you does the trick. NT’s usually stop bothering you when you’re straight forward. I wish people were sometimes, then there’s “less to interpret”. But I feel with being apologetic is then you yourself will stop being apologetic about who you are. You shouldn’t feel sorry for existing, just exist as you are, and comfortably. Why be uncomfortable for others when you can be comfortable for yourself?
Thank you ❤ 🙏😊 this was very helpful for me.
Im very ablist to myself.
I have multiple screlosis. Literally have spent days laying down instead of using my walking stick or asking my OT for a referral for a walker
I've pushed through and then had really crappy days afterwards trying to recover doing nothing but laying in bed and unable to have a shower ect
I feel like people around me when I had a relapse treated me very badly at one stage so I do that to myself. I would say to myself, " get the f**K up. Why can't you move? Just move legs! Stop being lazy! Whats wrong with you!? Yet I never use my walking stick to get me moving in public. Only at home. Only in recent years I have parked in the disabled parking lot. Despite being harassed by bystanders. I don't care anymore. This I have improved on.
You are incredible! I’ve had arthritic conditions which have made me need a wheelchair, cane, braces-I can relate. I also have CFS & fibromyalgia-actually several nerve injuries, torn rotator cuff, & still arthritis in neck and back😭.
A huge part of any kind of recovery is to practice loving, kind, compassion towards ourselves.
I’m also in AA and love their recovery sayings like “HALT” (stop and practice self care when ‘hungry, angry, lonely, tired’), “One day at a time”, or when telling people we are “fine” it really means “fearful, insecure, neurotic and emotional”, so practicing ‘identifying and expressing feelings’ is a big one for me, part of my recovery-which will be ongoing throughout life & even though the challenges don’t disappear I embrace my recovery journey!🤗
I definitely relate to that negative brain voice. "Why can't you just cope like everybody else" is probably the biggest one for me. I want to work on this too. I've been thinking about maybe writing supportive + encouraging notes to myself that I could stick around my living space. It's challenging to come up with those things in the moment and talk back to the negative voice.
Thank you for covering this topic and being vulnerable ❤
So candid, thank you for sharing your own lived experience. You are amazing!
😭 everything around minute 6-8.... it’s like Im listening to my own heart begging myself to stop doing this to me.
Ive been using the, if you wouldn’t treat your loved ones that way, don’t dare treat yourself that way 💜 it’s helped me with some really difficult depressive spells.
Thanks for having the courage to share this with us. It rings so true! I struggle with this as well; I am so hard on myself and can't admit when I need support until it's too late. This may be the hardest part of my Autism for me right now: learning to accept my needs and know when I need support.
This was so hard to watch and I couldn't stop the tears. I feel exactly the same way and couldn't put words to it. I have hEDS, fibromyalgia and Im pretty sure I either have ADHD or austism too. My son also has hEDS, ADHD and I suspect Autism and Im always advocating for him yet so i'm hard on myself. I always push myself too hard and end up with dislocations because my internal dialog is I can keep going or I should be able to do this.. I also really struggle to use my mobility aids for the exact same reasons you mentioned. I really want to work on this and start being my own best supporter. Thanks for sharing.
I am currently in tears from the pain my ehlers danlos is causing me. Yesterday I forced myself to use my crutch because I don't have a way to bring my chair. I needed to buy things for mothers day brunch and my son's birthday today. I messed up. I can't move. I couldn't sleep because of the pain. I'm venting. End rant.
Thanks Ella, I can definitely relate to this & need to be more compassionate towards & forgiving of myself too.
I'm really grateful to this video. I don't have words today but I can relate to this so much. Thank you.
I've definitely been struggling this in the 10 years since my diagnosis of autism at age 30. After the diagnosis I experimented with disclosing to people and advocating for my needs and asking for help. Unfortunately I had a lot of bad responses to those choices. From other people I received a lot of ableist responses. In the last decade I have become very discouraged about my diagnosis. It does not seem to be helpful for me. I can educate myself and try to educate others but it does not change that when I reveal my disability people still treat me as if I am not and expect more of me. My disability means that I will go ahead and try to fill their expectations even though I know better. I'm not really aware of the feelings but the cognition involved is that if they don't accept and respect my disability, then I will erase my disability so that I still have a chance of receiving their acceptance. It is very bizarre. I know it's wrong but it is emotionally powerful thought. So I will say nevermind I'm not autistic , or I will say okay you're right I should be able to do this I'll try harder to please you, and then either way don't know how to get out of the Trap.
I will tell myself I'm not disabled because I've been able to do something in the past successfully but my disability is getting in the way at this present attempt. People will tell me look I know you are perfectly capable of functioning in this way because I've seen you do it before. And they're right. I don't have a retort to that that will make them back off. The only thing I can tell them whether I disclose my disability or not is that I'm getting overwhelmed and I need to step back from the situation before I can approach it again. Unfortunately people will prevent me from doing that once they learn that it is my accommodation that I'm asking they will say no to it and told me I don't really need it based on their personal experience of me. I have absolutely internalised other people thinking this and I will tell myself the same things.
I had this a couple of weeks ago. I have endometriosis and it gives me severe pains in my pelvis and lower back. It also affects my legs. I was using a stick to try and help myself and all my brain was doing was attacking me! I could see people looking and all i could think was "I'm too young for using a stick". My brain works exactly the same it likes to attack itself all the time! I relate to every single thing you've said in this video. 💚
I totally relate to this. Esp. mobility aids - I had a period of time where my knee was out and I needed crutches to walk, and I was so ashamed to ask the doctor for them, and so ashamed when I saw my friends or took a walk with my partner while using crutches. I guess the phrase "using X like a crutch" really sinks in until you've internalized the ableism without even realizing it.
I am somewhat newly diagnosed and definitely relate to all of this. It is very helpful to hear someone else talk about it to me. To hear an outside confirming opinion. Thanks.
Thank you I have Auditory Processing Disorder , Dyscalculia and a mild form of Cerebral Palsy and I think only recently realised I struggle with internalized ablism . And this is definitely something I would like to work on. :)
I get this. When I have to shop, I lean on a shopping cart instead of using one of those little motorized buggies, because I'm overweight due to poor mobility, and I know what people think about fat women motoring around in carts in the grocery.... Never mind that everything is a result of my chronic health issues.
Thanks for this and your content in general. Mid-life recognition of Autism and the life-review that go with it make me eager to be aware of ableism, internal and outward, and to uproot it. I'm just much more mindful of it within and without now, seeing it where I would have been oblivious before. I hope to work on it as I have with other forms of imposed bias, like internalized homophobia or internalized classism or internalized racialism, I hope in a well-paced and conscious way, avoiding a tendency to react too fast. This kind of growth never stops, and I am glad about that part...
I am also giving myself more permission to stim at home or in public and finding it helpful, and in some contexts am not exaclty masked or unmasked, but more like veiled... at home I do what I want, but for example I consciously flapped my hand when standing alone at the dairy case at the grocer and having a 2 minute minor decision delay about what product to choose, and I discover also that no one cares if I'm walking on my toes behind the shopping cart, or standing on toes to look down an aisle or scan the store.
Wow I had no idea I was so severely internalized ableistic. Such an eye opener.
My GP is able ist about mobility aids. I changed my GP who I asked for help with walking. He refused, laughed and said, "I'm not going to tell you you can't walk" I explained I'm telling you I can't walk, I want physio, mobility aids. My new doctor sent me to physio they told me they couldn't help. Another physio gave me exercise including squats after I told her I can't stand for long? In the end you start believing you're making excuses and frustrated at the lack of belief and lack of support. This vid is very relatable.
You can tell this was a very emotional and real video for her to make
This video is incredibly helpful. Thank you for talking about this and sharing your internal world. I could relate to so much of what you said. It IS so hard. It helps to talk about it.
✨💖thank you💖✨
Wonderful. This is put in such a clear, succinct way!
Thank you for taking the time to share your stories. ❤️
Oh yes, I beat myself up inside about what others might think of me. It used to be that I felt too fat to be seen, even though I was only 30 pounds over weight. Or that people were just always judging me. That was long ago before I knew about autism.
But aside from the ND, I remember several years ago, after a bad fall traveling in Europe, I needed to use crutches to spare my knee. I was exhausted trying to get around old cities on crutches. It didn't help that very few people acknowledged my presence, when they could have courteously given me room to maneuver. People walking and on bikes just cut me off as I was trying to cross streets. I felt invisible. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Angry. So yes, I think I understand a little how you might feel needing to use mobility aids. When I go for a walk with my husband and dog, it's so much easier to ride my bike alongside, rather than feel exhausted trying to keep up.
I totally appreciate you, Purple Ella! ❤️
(I think we need a new sweatshirt with a phrase to capture the sentiment of this video - wink, wink!)
I relate to all of this and these feelings are almost just as crippling as the disability
Thank you so much, this really hits home. Glad I can accept and fulfill my needs better now. I've shared this with my boyfriend and sister so they can understand me better too. Love your videos! xx
Recently diagnosed adhd. “You’re just not trying hard enough” ow.
Loving the conclusion to this video, peeps on the spectrum have tons to offer and believe in celebrating strengths. Others can help me organise, my creative ideas need to be heard.
Examples of internalized ableism:
Masking
Not reporting or calling out ableist bullying
Being afraid of disclosing
Saying yes when you know it's too much
Not asking for accommodations or minimizing your support needs
Thank you for being so honest about your struggles, Ella! I too struggle with internalized ableism. I think it’s easier to accept others’ disabilities than it is to accept our own, for whatever reason! Maybe it’s the way that we’re socialized to put others ahead of ourselves? You’re really a lovely person and I enjoy your videos!
Found out at 23 I have vasovagal syncope and memories of school came washing in I passed out in class daily i would tell the teacher my symptoms as they were happening and they’d tell me I was just making it up and I don’t try hard enough I remember trying to fight it and I literally could not. My mom had a heart attack when I was young and they didn’t know what caused it, so she told the school that and she told them to call her when or if anything happens to me. I told her about this happening to me and she specifically told them to call her when I pass out.. they never once did they just gaslit me and would even smack my desk which would make me jump and pass right back out. They shamed me and called me manipulative and no matter what I did I was always wrong. I would try to understand the work by asking questions which I was told was okay and I was met with “you’re just stalling” and then I was mocked in front of the entire class ON TOP of that I also didn’t know I had celiac disease and I’m autistic. (The doctor refused to put autistic on my record and gave me a fake dx(Severe ADHD with autistic traits… I’m ADHD and Autistic)) My body was falling apart I was constantly misunderstood and gaslit and I ended up with severe plantar fasciitis because I didn’t know I had celiac for SO LONG it destroyed my body and I’m sure it’s a big reason I struggled so badly with EVERYTHING I couldn’t THINK I couldn’t remember shit I was also dealing with childhood PTSD and they’d tell me to “leave my problems at the door” I begged for help for years before I realized I can’t fight my passing out no matter how much sleep I got and I couldn’t get help to understand the work.. I didn’t know it but I was actually protecting myself by just laying down and sleeping instead of trying to fight it and trying to get help I’ll never get
I do have these thoughts about myself and sometimes even wonder about others as well, thinking, do they just not try hard enough? BUT what I'm finding the absolute kicker right now is that when I'm beginning to have some grace for myself, those days my husband fills the role and is quietly resentful of me for the things I have not done that day. This just sounds like a poor me boohoo rant, but this is literally THE thing that seems to be the hardest to figure out. Sometimes the desire to be as able as others is what is keeping me active and productive. I usually make sure to have a lot of committments to the things I care about because I am very good at keeping these committments. It is the home life that is harder because I think ok well I can do that when I'm feeling better. So my husband ends up feeling uncared for because I haven't made meals or left the kitchen untidy. (Honestly my house keeping is pretty good actually) I really do try to do these things and am constantly wondering if I really am just a lazy unmotivated person who can't be bothered, but I see these words and I absolutely know it is not true. I am a hard working, caring and sincere individual who is striving always to do her best. I am at a loss for a solution to the trouble in my marriage. I've asked him if I get formal diagnosis for the problems I'm having would that help him to understand..he doesn't think so. Maybe you have advice?
Wow.. thank you 🙏
Thank you for your honest video permeated with the inspiring strength of vulnerability. Wishing you the best of success in your growth towards self-acceptance and self-compassion and away from internalised, ableism. Kindest regards.
It’s hard for me to accept my physical limitations when I am only 24. I do not have a diagnosis that explains all of my symptoms and because of this, I am very ablest towards myself.
❤️
Thank you so much for making this video. I'm so glad I have found your channel
Thank you for this important video. I realise I do the same thing and it is so draining.
I am very late to this party but have my 2 cents worth. I am autistic and find driving a car VERY stressful. It’s not that I can’t drive. In fact, from 2013-2021 I was a long haul truck driver! What I can’t handle is having no control over the actions of others on the road while in a car - tailgating, dangerous and selfish driving. I gave myself SUCH a hard time over this. I am scared, a snowflake, pathetic. Everyone else is fine, even others with ASD can drive, what’s my problem? Get over myself and just drive.
But I’m working on being kind and compassionate with myself. If car driving causes me such anxiety, there are ways around it. My husband is very happy to be my chauffeur. There’s Uber, deliveries. Just because I need these things in order to be sane doesn’t make me less than.
I now see stress caused by forcing myself into a NT way of living to be like this insidious cancer. At first, masking, doing stuff that causes debilitating anxiety and pain is ok. But it eats away at you, physically and emotionally until one day it’s unbearable. Now when I feel pressure to mask or do something that I find upsetting, I ask myself if this is worth my life. The answer is never “yes”.
late to seeing this but i feel so heard and this is so so helpful and meaningful to me. thank you so so much ella
My eye sight rubbish. So it's my glasses are my mobility aid.
I try really hard not to be ableist to myself or let others decide my worth. But based off of my disability, most people decide my worth. I have a brain injury and people with brain injuries are always the butt of the joke. Most people think that having a brain injury means that you’re a broken idiot that has no worth in society. When the majority of people think that, it’s pretty hard not to think it myself. It feels like whenever I am happy, I’ll still hear at least one ignorant comment and that takes away at least half of my happiness for the day. I don’t want to let people have this much power over my feelings, but they do. It feels like there’s no escape. I don’t know how many other people feel this way, but the worst part about it for me is I can’t write those people off as jerks. Most of the time they’re perfectly nice people. They just happen to say things that make me feel less than human. And when the majority of people who say those things are normal people, that just causes me to see myself as the flaw even more. 'These people are perfectly fine. There’s just something wrong with you. Why should you expect people to treat you with respect when your brain is broken?' I don’t know. At this point, I’m just tired and all I want is to be happy.
Thank you! This video was very helpful and look forward to watching more of your content. I subbed ;)
I am autistic and EDS. I can not use crutches as it seperates my shoulders. So I hobbled for short distances and stayed in a wheel chair for a year after breaking my foot.
Thank you! And you look good in that light blue!
I can relate to some of the mobility stuff and autism thing of acting neurotypical. Also my mom and girlfriend said i should use a cane or walking stick because I fall or often almost fall a lot. I feel weird and don’t want to because I feel like I don’t need it or I’m “not” disabled enough. That people will judge me and think I’m faking needing it. I’m not sure if any techniques on accepting that I can use a mobility device and is okay to. How to feel more comfortable with using one. Thank you for sharing it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.
Your video was very usefull thanks ! I liked how you illustrated your own ableism with exemple, it's help to understand and also to know that you aren't alone (we can be so hard with ourself...). I think internalised ableism can be feed by social anxiety, some of your exemples illustrated very well (according to much importants of what people will think, say etc). I think cognitive and behavioral therapy can be very usefull too, it helps a lot to deconstruct your negativ and automatic thoughts
Finding your information very helpful
Thank you - I think that’s super helpful (and insightful) 👍
I relate so much!
Hi Ella, I’m so glad you make videos, you remind me so much of myself, i have a good career, a lovely family, a NT partner, I even have the EDS3! Being able to relate to what you are saying has made it much easier to be a bit kinder to myself at least for today 😉 despite suffering similarly, I’ve not managed to pluck up the courage to face the DLA system yet as I keep thinking..maybe I should just try harder, maybe I’m fine (despite diagnoses from the top clinicians in their field...I did my research and it had to be the leading experts) it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, why does it make sense when it’s in my head?
I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I just can't do some things, and I don't think I'm going to be as great as i could be. I can't work and struggle at the moment to do really anything apart from basic things like feeding myself, washing myself, and little menial things like TV and simple hobbies. I'm also living back at my parents and they don't believe I'm autistic, they make me feel like I can do anything if I just try, but they look a t it from a neurotypical lens and so I ignore what I do really struggle with
Just found your channel! I love it! It’s very similar to the mission my channel. I am illegally blind me with two toddlers. I am also speaking about Ableism on my channel. Great minds think a like! Keep it up girl!
Thank you. I do this too. I think when you keep hearing you are worthless from able bodied people, you wind up believing it. Whether or not it's true, it becomes internalized. I have an autoimmune disability, too. You must be going through hell with CFS and Ehler Danlos Syndrome. I just read a wonderful book by someone with Ehler-Danlos Syndrome. It's called, "Doing Harm, The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick ," by Maya Dusenbery. Seriously, you are a good, intelligent person and deserve to be treated as such. What amazes me about ableists, is how they can flippantly take a sentient being, an intelligent person and relegate him or her to the garbage heap. My landlord told me that if I were sick back over a hundred years ago, I'd be left for dead. Sadly, I think ableists are narcissists, and believe they're better because our culture tells them they're better. I've learned that if there's a opportunity for a person believe themselves superior to others, most people will eat it up and flaunt that status. Only insecure people need to bask in any alleged higher status. Sad as it is, I trust other disabled people more than able bodied people because I know we are less likely to be full of ourselves and arrogant like ableists are.
Hey! I have EDS and I’m waiting for an assessment for autism.
Yeah. I have a lot of denial abilism. But even before the physical issues nothing I did was ever “good enough” in my own brain either. If I deny having to use mobility aides then I can deny that I have problems that I hate that I have.
Best video yet sweetie 😭😭😭💛
How how pervasive years of reinforcement self imposed of abelistic traits occurred at times when inability to read social cues and faces as causal events were encountered but with counter thoughts strong enough or available aren't in place or are viewed through abelistic perspectives. "Well sh...t" at least can interposed some relievable humor.
i have to assume (being i do this to myself as well) that we are harder on ourselves because someone told us we were something other than worthy at some important developmental point in our lives. 0_o
Great video, all sounds pretty familiar 😳❤️
I’ve found for myself that all my negative opinions about myself aren’t actually my own. They’re internalized comments that negative adults have said to me to try and “fix” me. The worst offender was my dad, but my mom was sneakier about being nasty. My dad would say to my face that I was lazy, or stupid, or not enough, but my mom would do things like look at a grade on a paper I wrote in an evening (>95% usually) and say things like “Thats great, but imagine how much better your grade would have been if you had actually applied yourself”
I still have difficulties ignoring those internalized thoughts, but it’s way easier knowing that they aren’t “mine”, I’m just repeating what other people have said about me. Instead of them overwhelming me constantly, they’re more like actually hearing someone saying them externally and I can mentally counter with “that’s not true” and be less likely to spiral.
Sounds like my father :-(
I am a high functioning aspie and I can’t stand when people stereotype. I am possibly prone to anger when this happens. I hate it because most strangers think I am a bully when I am just anxious doing nothing unusual because of my own facial expression. It’s not there fault because people are just going through doing there day to day basis have learned myself. If people are mean anyway I have learned not to give a flying f. Also I don’t just have autism I am also diagnosed with generalized anxiety with OCD which makes me appear even more disabled on top of having a could more diagnoses.
aspies are "high functioning" by definition.
Ugh, this is so hard to hear, because i don't go out, we never go anywhere and a few hours on my feet= huge amounts of pain (hEDS). I just have accepted that I can't do things, instead of supporting myself to do what i want to do.
I'm a recently (2 year) diagnosed Autistic Female. I live with my boyfriend. I got diagnosed because I got extremely stuck when I moved out of my parent's house. Whenever I start stimming, my boyfriend starts looking at me. And so.. I stop doing it. How can I let him know that I need to stim in that moment? I just don't know what to say.
Hi Amber, I'd recommend finding information about how stimming helps our central nervous system to regulate to show him. Also perhaps he's looking because it's new and if you just carry on he will get used to it?
Purple Ella thank you for your reply. I will try this.
Hi, I fully understand about ablism, I spent many years trying to hid my Dyslexia (despite having study skills support through school and uni, I tried unsuccessfully to hide it the rest of the time). I also have PMDD (premenstrual Dismorphic disorder, for the uninitiated the simplest explanation is that I am allergic to my own reproductive hormones) and am on one of those long waiting lists for an altism assessment.
I have found that as a PHD student I have been able to work a lot better being myself and telling my supervisors when I am stepping away form the pressure of life on campus for a few days to deal with my own needs. The academic community is one of the more accepting and all UK universities have to provide support for students which means once I move into working in the sector I will be able to access it still.
It has been hard but through several years of counselling, specialist mental heath support (for a form of bulimia coursed by my PMDD) and ongoing mentoring support I have learnt to say no when things get too much and not to care about what others say. I have found that being true to myself is more important than what other people think, I have learnt that if people object to the way I am it is them who have the problem not me. I do not intend to shock, but I do not see any reason to fit in with all of the social norms that do not serve a practical purpose. Refusing to try and fit in has allowed me to be more creative and productive than when I struggled constantly with doing things I did not understand.
Internalized Ableism can also make other autistic people be ableist against other autistic people. I had this situation myself, and it was traumatic.
They believed very strong in the stereotypes and always thought what they, as an autistic person can do/not do and said if a person is able to do stuff (like having friends) they cant be autistic, because they didnt had friends. They thought autistic people have to be exactly like something to be truly autistic. If they dont fit in that picture, they cant be autistic. They also invalidated EVERY autistic person on Instagram who's posting stuff about their experiences, and saying that everyone who posts about autism on instagram is spreading complete misinformation. They also didnt believe that self diagnosis is valid. Like ANY valid. They said self diagnosis is completely wrong and no one should ever self diagnose, and only doctors can diagnose you with it correctly.
They bullied me then for thinking I'm autistic too and (for now, but I'm trying to get an official diagnosis also) self diagnosed. They denied everything and said I would fake it and just copy them, and that I'm not exactly like them so it couldn't be
I have NF1 and I see on social media so many people doing “nf1 horror/Halloween make up” to look like NF1 patients for Halloween it’s literally horrible
Did anyone else notice that she said believing in her own diagnoses was internally ableist? I think she meant not believing in them…or that she believes in her *own* diagnoses as in she’s making toxic stuff up to explain her problems rather than accepting the medical diagnoses. I’m confused 🙃
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Hi
I am my own worst critic.
Oh my gosh my grandson has elder download syndrome.
Ehlers-danlos syndrome?
@@vintagecrayon4504 sorry I'm dyslexic.
@@nataliegist2014 No worries! I had to look it up a few times to spell it right myself, so it's fine.
I am a pet... (uncomfortable pause) owner (much better)
*many depressive noises*