I'm not sure if pathological lying is always present. Some times they're dishonest on a character level but dont necessarily lie all the time. In a relationship they may be pathological liars because they have a motive in the context of the relationship to cover up their true feelings
I'd say those are the majority. And I don't agree for a second that narcissism is caused by childhood trauma, I think it's just caused by the person having such a level of entitlement that they think they deserve everything and other people deserve nothing, so when they are not the focus of attention for the smallest reason, it causes narcissistic injury and they *think* of that as a trauma.
@@lauramartins5953 i don't think so. I feel narcissists are actually very insecure deep inside. That's why they are envious if everybody. And I think most of that is caused by their upbringing.
My sister hates who I am. Criticizes, demeans, anything good in me or things I've done in my life, she finds a way to make it negative. I was aware of that, before narcissism came into my vocabulary. I didn't argue with her or try to prove anything, but in my head I said she doesn't get it or me. Does same thing to her daughter and anyone's accomplishments.
"They cannot tell the difference between you and themselves"... SO TRUE AND SO CREEPY!!! It's been a few years I've noticed that when I would say something that maybe my sister found interesting, or original, or I don't know what... she would remain silent and look at the floor, as if she was thinking something. Then without fail, some time later, she would repeat what I had said word for word, as if she had thought it, or lived it. I can be an opinion, an information about myself, a trait, a memory. When I noticed that, it really freaked me out. It still does.
What if it actually wasn't their intention or they actually didn't know? I am just mindful that we can't assume intentions of another person because we can't mind read...
Agreed. I've upset someone before because my anxiety had me behaving irrationally. That person then took it upon themselves to draw the conclusion that I was playing games with them, when really I was sat meditating trying to regulate my mind and emotions. My response was "I'm sorry if my behaviour has ever made you feel unsafe, that really was not my intention." Does that make me a narcissist? Maybe it does! Maybe we all have narcissistic tendencies and we all label each other far too much, when in reality there are millions of traumatised overgrown children out there just trying to protect themselves. Maybe it's never been their intention to hurt other people at all and it's all been far too unconscious for them to even recognise what they're doing. 🤷🏻♀️
After a lovely date my boyfriend posted on facebook a "don't know what you've got until it's gone" post regarding missing his ex. Clearly he knew it be extremely hurtful and he would be rid of me. He claimed "it was not my intention to hurt you". I said "oh yes it absolutely was". 3 days later he is writing poems about meant to be with her. Knew the entire time he was abusing me.
It sure is everywhere it also comes from adult children who grew up with a father who was narcissistic even though she tried to protect her from her it doesn’t work she has knocked me against walls & pushed me around & belittled me & finally took my grandchild away from me because I was trying to protect her from her mother my daughter
Oddness and creepiness... that's the piece of narcissism that I've heard almost no one else talk about. After a while, looking at them was like staring into a haunted house. I also went do the path of thinking it was both autism and brain damage.
Vi,How interesting I find your comment????I thought that it was a mild type of autism too? That's why I hung in there for so long...It can bring out the mother in you until you realize the insidiousness behind it all..
Yes, ive seen very odd behavior and have heard some very twisted evil things come out of its mouth! I say it because i can't relate! The amount of torture and pain they are willing to inflict on their prey is so shocking. They run the gambit of all their tricks of their nasty trade and then begin again!!! RUN!! God bless us all!!💜
Used just to think that narrow mindedness combined with stubborness is such a deadly combination...now i realised that they are just infentile parasitic creatures who will simply stick to any ideation that will secure their supply
My soon to be ex husband is awkward, like social anxiety disorder. He is verbally abusive and thinks he’s done nothing wrong. He has no ,zero emotion. He wasn’t nurtured, and held his breath as a infant. Was given Phenobarbital for “ anger and temperament “. His dad was alcoholic, his sisters were made to take care of him most of the time. I’ve learned , he told me he doesn’t like to be touched. He’s not affectionate, Married 23 years, always felt trapped, I’m packing now he’s in denial , won’t help get the house ready to sell. Yes, he’s been to therapist and was asked to leave. He’s smarter than them. I’ve known he’s sick, but I’m not afraid anymore. He’s become more quiet. I need to go , it’s my time now. I enjoy and learn from your channel, thank you.
sending you love. I was with my ex for 23 years too. He was like a Robot. He watched me like a hawk.....that so many thought was love....it was him mirroring me. Prayers for you and your healing. You are more powerful than you know. xo
Whatever you do don’t go back because he will make you pay for going back he will make you pay for leaving in the first place and it only gets worse it never gets better I was married to a Very high spectrum narcissist almost malignant physically abusive verbally abusive financially abusive in the end they make it impossible to be around them and you just have to leave do not feel guilty do not feel bad this is the best decision that you’re making in your life by the way after you leave there going to say that you were abusive and that they are the victim they will start A horrendous smear campaign to force you to talk to them and confront them don’t buy into it just ignored by the way in the end the narcissist usually destroys themselves especially when their main source of supply is gone
This is the 1st video about narcissistic behavior that truly described my past relationship. I thought my ex was on the autism spectrum. I spent months trying to adapt to their odd behaviors and trying to be understanding. I felt compassion for him. In the end, I had to cut him off entirely. It was exhausting and emotionally depleting. This description of his childhood was spot on. Thank you for this explanation.
The narcissist I married received excessive attention from over bearing narcissistic parents who covered up his destructive anti social behaviour. The narc spoke of his hatred for his mother often, and was arrogant, wealthy, entitled, highly intelligent but exhibited a frightening, exploitative, childish envious bullying behaviour when the mask slipped. Understanding my codependence through therapy has given me the strength to escape and grow in amazing ways. Thank you for your help, as few therapists understand the destructive effects of this virulent condition. 🙏👏💥
Oh, the one I had had this full attention by grandparents and parents and used to fight them all the time. Then he used to tell me: oh, why do you tell everything to your parents? He made me think I was the wrong one... It's been a month
Wanda this sounds AWFUL. Take care, I'm concerned that this man may explode. Be CAREFUL. Stay safe and don't suppose you will know all he is capable of. Leaving is terrifying. Healing afterwards is tough too. Greetings and many blessings from the scottish highlands. Love and light. Happy Easter ♥️✌️💪🙏🏴
Wanda Jane that sounds exactly like my situation. I hope more of us co-dependents learn what our part is in allowing this to be done to us so WE can heal and break free from being in these types of relationships
If you want a clear picture of what they're doing to you, just look at what they accuse you of doing. Also, if they reach absurdly high levels of disgust towards you, they are not likely to be in the normal range of people - they are within the narcissistic range. A relatively normal person can put you somewhere in the spectrum of people they dislike or are indifferent to with a reasonable level of accuracy - the narcissist goes into "full hatred mode" toward people who don't merit that level of anger and disgust.
@@Geminidreams65 yes! I have had many e-mails now with all the things I did according to my ex but Im sure he is projecting his thoughts on me (like being a liar or narcisist myself lol)
That's a weirdly good observation, I mean something that's not often picked up on and just triggered awareness in me. The person who I presumed was a narcissist in my life had extremely high levels of disgust sensitivity towards people. It was totally nuts witnessing it. Interesting point to make.
@@romeojung8954 The reason they do it is that they are trying to divert your attention away from someone, and ultimately back towards them. So they overinflate the hatred as a scare tactic - so you don't think about that person and instead refocus on them at all times.
Thats what I told him "wow! , Im not a child.killer or.a pdf, Im just a normal, decent person , I ve never done anything to warrant being spoken to with so much contempt. " Its.very shocking and it is indeed a very big reveal that something is very wrong with them.
Haha...."I want all the toys." A perfect description of my divorce. He managed to coerce and bully his way into getting my parent's inheritance to me (their belongings) and 97% of everything we owned together including the vehicle. The life lesson I understood that I had to go through was, it is better to leave with nothing and have my sanity, material items can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Are you going to hate who took them from you/would not share them with you? or are you going to forgive and move on? It is better to muddle your way through starting from scratch than to continue to endure hell.
Someone who "can't deal with adult reality" WOW. That hits the nail on the head. You described the narc I'm dealing with to a "T". Thank you Richard, your videos are so helpful and informative 🙌
You just 100% described my kids mother. The magical thinking is a fantastic tool they use in an argument. They use lies, manipulation and non logic to win.
For anyone who hasn't watched it, find a way to watch The Invisible Man. It's about a woman who escapes from a relationship with a controlling narcissist. The film deals with gaslighting, and other tricks they use to make the victim think they're crazy. It is extremely relatable to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, right down to the ending. (there are some spoilers in the replies).
@Levi Skardsen I am so interested in watching The Invisible Man, love Elizabeth Moss's superb talent but I'm one year into recovery of a relationship with a Covert Narcissist that nearly destroyed me. I was crazy in love with him but later learned I was actually trauma-bonded... I am fearful of being triggered watching this movie so soon :-(
@@QueenOfMarsReactsToEarth I found it somewhat refreshing that a major Hollywood film really nailed how a narcissist abuses people. What really frustrates me is that people can't understand how my mother could possibly behave in such a way, yet the writers for this film absolutely get it.
Whenever anything didn't go to plan, as things often do in life, he'd go to pieces. It was all doom and gloom, and I should sit in a corner and cry. Mood swings, hibernation, blame shifting, gaslighting and the good old silent treatment that would go on for days. I'm so glad that I'm not in Lock-down with him.
I just love listening to you. I always learn so much. New perspectives. In regards to the narcissists envy, that one really hit me. My covert narc husband never ever shows happiness for my achievements. I enjoy trying a lot of challenging things because its just so much fun. He never looks at me, he never is happy for me and never says congratulations. He ignores me. He is jealous. He usually sneers with disapproval. Im learning shuffle dancing now and he won't watch me and smile. He avoids it. And the bullying. He is a covert narc with underhanded verbal blows. I could write a book on the horrible treatment I've experienced. Thank you for helping us, me, those who need it, everyone. I'm so appreciative.
Robin Williams described his life as a kid exactly like this as to his need to “perform” for his parents. Great training and very informative. Thank you!
He was also an extreme introvert when not on stage. Many of the damaged people in Hollywood are like that, but not all are evil. Their handlers are where the evil comes from. Agents are all vultures, they just appear as doves.
sarah you’re the jester. There’s a story about how you’ve been dressed up as the jester to perform for the king. You’re later locked into the catacombs
@sarah Yes - you're an empath which means you can never ever be a narc just remember that all she can do is enhance and improve with boundaries as an empath
This spoke to me.. I can honestly say the last few days I've really enjoyed being single , feel like I've been way more productive without all the extra stress and worry I had before.. 😊thanks.
That was a fascinating take on the subject!! To be honest it presented me with my own polar opposite form of narcissism, as the codependent it's almost as if I want to conquer the narcissist and force him to be loving me...in union. It's not very different from the narcissist core wound! Wow.
This was helpful, Richard. My narc husband who has just taken off with his new supply is a well known lawyer n self styled activist. He has built himself such a good reputation that it's difficult for me to label him a narc, publicly anyways. I need to be very sure that he fits the bill before I can go public with the reason for our breakup, initiate divorce etc.
As usual, that was a brilliant analysis. When you talk about these traits, I see different people in my life- my late father, my sister, former “friends”- it all makes sense. I have compassion for them, yet understand that they can be dangerous, nonetheless and stay away from them. It’s is a spiritual battle as I feel that if they could get away with it, they would seek to annihilate me on a soul level.
Curious Nook I have to wonder if you were at the other end of their arms growing up if you would think differently. It’s shaped who I became today. Selfless, honest, empathetic, compassionate everything they aren’t
Funny that’s exactly what they tried to do without knowing it. Destroy me spiritually. I doubt God a lot however thank God He made me in his image & knows my heart. They didn’t break me. I finish the end of my life now
Survivor OfMany Yes, I’d rather be who would am than how they are. My sister and I grew up in the same house. She was the oldest and became the narcissist. I was younger and became a people pleaser in order to survive and protect myself. The narcissist as well as the codependent develop out of the same circumstances. I think birth order had a lot to do with my situation. I saw my sister getting beaten and abused for rebelling when I was 4years younger and I probably decided that it was safer to be the “good little girl” and never ever upset my parents, get good grades etc. it was a survival technique for both my sister and I. Both are dysfunctional, yet the narcissist gets the worst wrap out of the two. I am glad, however, that I became empathetic out of the situation.
Ive recently become very ill and it has shown their nasty true colors more than anything i could of imagined. They have tried to pretend to care, pretend to be a help but its so blatantly obvious that they dont care at all and their “help” is really just adding problems to and already bad situation. I can tell how they are actually enjoying the fact im sick. They are getting off on it, in some way. Truly disgusting.
Thanks goodness you see through it and can tell that it is something they are feeding off of. Instead of it confusing you, what I mean is I'm glad that you can see and understand what is going on. But I'm sure you don't know why it is happening and I don't either. It is disgusting to see something so clearly that is not nice. There are tons of other people in the world and hopefully after you get better you will find people who will not enjoy seeing things go badly for you. I hope that you feel better soon. Please don't lose hope.
Nick I’ve been through this too and it’s horrendous......The pain and disappointment too.....Take heart and look after yourself, as then others who truly are worthy will look after you too....💕
Interesting: for almost 20 years, I thought my husb was autistic. Turned out he is a covert N.(attested) and finally everything makes sense. I can totally relate to your experience, thank you for sharing.
Yes, my ex-husband of 17 years too! I thought he was autistic until (years after the divorce): ping! I stumbled across the truth. It's all abundantly clear now, the traits that are not autistic: total absence of empathy and not caring if others are hurt, the need to control, the false "front" he purposely puts on to charm others to feed his need for attention, the extreme selfishness at any cost, the addictions and lies and the secrecy around maintaining this covertly. Plus when we met, he love bombed me, persisted until I married him then isolated me by moving me across the country, away from all my family - classic narcissism right there. Then he began dating the locals whilst I went out to work because he couldn't get a job! He couldn't commit to anything long term: homes, women, jobs - he had multiples of ever-changing everything.
This is the very BEST explanation of narcissism I have ever heard... the FETAL state of having all their needs met... creepy man, it's freaking me out!
Excellent description about childhood, I’ve always had a suspicion that the narcissist in my life who was the youngest child, was raised in such a way... Haven’t spoken to him in three years, but he is in complete denial of any wrongdoing to anyone.
One of the best videos I have seen! Thank you for your brazen honesty about narcissism and codependency and the game we play from the place of false self! I am recovering from a relationship with a narcissist and now see my contribution to this game. (Yuck). And how we play it out with our false self. The healing I’m experiencing is due in part to my awareness and willingness to accept responsibility for myself and what I attract into my life, rather than blaming. Again, thank you for what you contribute to this world full of so many broken souls!
Great insight... They seem to creep up on others... They begin with compliments and then gradually devalue you... But they always drop a hint that there is something off with them.
I had to laugh because I did the exact same thing, thinking my ex was autistic, though also looked into ADD, and questioned something else being wrong because of such odd, awkward communication issues.
Wow... I needed to hear this information. It explains so much about the behavior patterns of the Narcissist in my life. When I see him and his parents interact, it is so in line with what you are describing in the part about how parents interact with their children. They only offer approval when he does things they like or if he is showing interest in the things they value. Anything outside their worldview is met with complete disinterest or outright rejection. It’s creepy to watch, especially between adults. Of course, he is in complete denial of this dynamic which makes me sad beyond words.
Shameless, is exactly right. My Father is Frank from that show, but worse and poorer. Your videos have helped me tremendously is getting my power back, both parents were addicts and covert narcissists. I feel nobody will ever understand how much I’ve suffered and believed I was out of my mind crazy. I’ve managed to stay out of the psych ward for over 3 years which is great, however, I’m still afraid to even date. I knew at 12 that I never wanted children in fear that I would screw them up as bad as my parents did me, and that I would never make enough money to support a child. It’s kind of a shame because my friends tell me that I would be the best Mother. I don’t even believe I will ever even find a suitable partner, let alone all that. Thanks, Richard. 🙏🏼 Edit: talk about performing, my Mother used to have me drink alcohol to dance, sing, make her and her freinds laugh, starting at the tender age of 5!
😂 You eloquently and off-handly explained my exs partners mothers odd cold behaviour in this video to me. Always a nice lady... never once raised her voice in six years, very passive to her son's explosive anger, but never used the word "love", and but always got excited and very happy about his accomplishments, and other times bitter and distant, when he didn't measure up to what she expected of him. He always said he had " issues" with his mother but would never talk about it. For the life of me I couldn't understand what he was talking about. There was no abuse, but I guess this is abuse too... thanks for explaining this 🥰
Wow. Thank you for this video and this deep insight. It actually makes me feel very sorry for them. If only they could see the damage they cause and reflect on themselves as adults... but that’s the problem they won’t ..: they never will .. they can’t ... sad.
This is probably my favorite video! When I describe my sister in law and father in law, others often ask if they are on the autism or aspergers spectrum. This video is SO helpful! My mother and my brother move from covert to malignant narcissism. Just so stuck in their own fantasies. I truly believe my husband and I were raised in these unhealthy families to change the generational trauma. My BS meter (intuition) is spot on. ❤
My ex did have a traumatic brain injury, with a titanium plate in his face. I excused too much of his behavior because “he couldn’t help it”. He was great most of the time, until the demon came out. He could not control impulses on alcohol. He got diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, after I required sobriety and counseling to be around me. Of course he fell off the wagon and got nuclear on my life when I tried to leave him. Your channel has helped me a lot! So glad to be done!
More like Hallelujah! BPD can turn any situation into a nightmare, bc they feel like it, or can’t help it, or are bored. Happy to say I am 2.5 years FREE!
It's true about not being able to stand criticism (they love dishing it out, but heaven help you if you criticise them). It's probably why when I broke up with mine she immediately contacted everyone we knew to tell them that she'd broken up with me because I was "toxic" and had been "abusive" to her. She even went to the lengths of (AFTER we'd broken up and were no longer living together) contacting a domestic abuse charity so she could say - "Dave was abusive, it was so toxic, I've even had to contact a domestic abuse helpline". I only found out by accident - so my message is, if you DARE to leave them, be ready for the almighty backlash you're going to get, where they paint you as a monster by projecting everything they did onto you. It makes you feel like a pariah.
My ex did this too. Even Called people I haven't spoken to for 25 years to tell them I was abusive and cheating. Most believed her. Thankfully the police somehow didn't believe her and didn't charge me for assault. They are evil.
My boyfriend got a new girlfriend and blamed me because I hadn't answered my phone one day.He was very upset and angry.I said I sneezed and you got in someone else's bed of course it's my fault.
@@demo3456 That's fantastic... I'm happy for you! 💪🏼 I know I don't know you but I don't need too, to truly feel your relief and freedom... bc I know "them" and the confused Hell we are put through. So congratulations! I've been with my malignant covert narc husband for 25 years. I am soo over his shiaat now, no emotions for him anymore (just boredom) I just ignore his antics. I got on with my life and don't involve him in any of it. Thankfully... no kids! Not divorced but it doesn't matter.. Clearing the energy cords that connected us did the trick. Take care 🦋✌🏼
@Dave Shuttleworth That's awesome for setting yourself free. 🤗 That's really a feat to be proud of! 💪🏼 I hope you have a wonderful life now and into the future. Take care! 🦋✌🏼
Richard I would like to Thank You- for all of your advice on "Narcissism." I just wanted to take this opportunity to reach out to you tonight and tell you that I sincerely appreciate all of the content that you have published. I am really grateful for the information that I have read here on TH-cam and on your website! You have made me feel a lot better about myself and you have given me hope that my life will change one day for the better.
Thank you so much for this. This has helped me to really pinpoint the key markers and characteristics so that I know what/who I'm dealing with. I did not understand why I had to "perform" to get the approval of my ex, and with that approval came affection and attention. Always short lived and on to the next thing I had to accomplish or perform... the cycle was endless until I realized I could never be perfect enough for him. When I took my power back it was awful and escalated quickly. I didn't understand why and what was wrong. Thank you, with all I have, thank you, for making this clear to me. Still healing.
Thanks for mentioning the trendiness of “narc labeling” anyone someone finds difficult. I’ve had five serious partners in my long life, two of them were narcissists. That was more than enough to nearly destroy my life. The first was a covert who blossomed slowly up the spectrum. My second was an overt who had all 7 traits in spades. Sadly, forewarned is forearmed. I’m facing my co-narcissism, codependency, and childhood more squarely now.
Richards talks are so insightful and helpful. Not only does he delivery his messages with researched information, but with great empathy. Richard has experienced the pain and confusion of what victims of narcissistic abuse suffered, and he comes from truly caring and wanting to support victims in unraveling the confusion and pain of what they have been through so they can free themselves.
This is so sad, especially since a narcissist of any kind was once a little baby/child who was abused and emotionally neglected. But as an adult, their defense mechanisms they created to survive their childhood environment cannot survive in a healthy adult environment. The core person becomes the host to the parts he/she created as a child. The host craves healthy love, healthy relationships, mimics what others to who have what they want and they often attract it in partner only feel bewildered when she behaves irrational and erratic. She's behaving that way because his parts see her as a threat to their existence. She SEES and feels them. These parts must destroy her to live.
Another excellent video Richard. I think it's great how you combine psychology and philosophy in helping us understand narcissistic behaviour and empowering us with your wisdom.
Can you explain. I noticed when we lived together I'd wake up normal. New day Etc And he'd seem to always scan my face or try too read me 🤷♀️ it felt like he was playing chess with my emotions...if I'm just zened out he didn't like it. He'd start complaining About odd thing's. Even when I had peace it's like he wasn't comfortable with it. He was addicted too my emotional state And he played me Like a puppet.. Im now working on being less reactive with him... separated now. Thankgod. Wasn't easy
Brilliant explanation Richard through your videos I uncovered a so called friend who is a narc I ended the so called friendship abruptly to his face then got in my car and drove of and not heard from him since and my life is so much better. Many thanks and keep up the great work. 👍
I can see in this video you sound better and stronger than when I started watching you in 2015. I am a therapist in the U.S. and thank you for doing a great job of putting this together in this form to give a person a “road map” of what they are dealing with. As you know having insight into “What was I really having in that relationship?” is when the patient opens the door to gaining insight. Then you know the rest, processing one’s emotional entanglement where they got lost in the narcissist’s narrative. Yep matrix is good word. lol Don’t take their blue pill. kidding around with ya. Thanks
I wish this was available BEFORE I married my now-ex--husband. He was textbook--you know it's bad when your marital counselor puts a sticky on the page of the DSM IV to show you at your next visit what a sociopathic narcissist looks like.
My marriage counselor actually asked to see me by myself without my husband. When I got there he told me that I needed to leave him. It was a big very freeing wake up call!
I love to watch you bcuz...#1 you're easy on the eyes...2 you're enthusiastic about your content...3 you're open minded and don't see things in black and white...4 you have a great deal of knowledge on your subject matter...5... you're not so serious that you can't see the humor in yourself, others and your subject matter. 6...your content is fresh....7....I love the artistic venues when shooting scenes outdoors with your talented videoographer. Those are the 7 reasons I enjoy your TH-cam videos. Thanks for sharing. Grateful for you.
Thank you so much for this. You were the first program I found when I realized what had happened to me over 2 years ago. Beyond grateful for your work and content.
I was raised by two very emotionally unavailable parents and it has caused a lot of debilitating lifelong pain and a lifelong investigative journey that is distinctly not rewarding or bringing any peace but rather just more anger and sense of injustice. Now that I’ve recently discovered Mr. Grannon I find myself frequently seeing numerous parallels that I would say seem to potentially mimic narcissism and then I’ll find myself asking friends if I could be a narcissist too and I always get reassured that I am definitely not. Recently, i am caregiving for a flaming narcissist and again these traits well up frequently as I find myself exhausted taking care of a ridiculously high maintenance elderly man who is worse than most little tyrannical children I’ve ever encountered. It can really mess with my mind almost daily now. Confusing.
After 4 years I finally realised I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. He discarded me and now 8 months on I never ever thought I would say this but I am relieved he isn't part of me anymore. I see him daily because we work together. That made it more difficult to go no contact. My 22 year old son never took to him and used to say to me did I think he was autistic?
OO-rah sister. I hear you. 15 year marriage. I year free. My adult son has been no contact for a decade. When I told him we were separated he began to contact me, just me, by phone again. It feels so damned good to be out.
Thank you for this ... I have had my own theory about the link between Narcissism and Autism. I'm sure that BPD intertwines with this as well. It's refreshing to know that you share the same theory.
You are the first person to come across to mention the fragile aspect of a narcissist. I mean others kind of do say it, but you explained it in a more plastic and understandable way. Specials the last few minutes. It was always my impression that under the violence and aggression there is this wounded toddler. A massive instability. But at the same time a rational intellect of a grown person without any borders. When the ego is hurt it’s as if a narcissist seeks out for total annihilation. Spouse, son, daughter, brother, sister... family ties don’t matter in any way to them. As for money seems also to be a very crucial part of a narcissist. Money equals control.
For me, the biggest sign I have had that I am dating (yet another) narcissist is that when I try to explain the situation to my friends, I am doing more mental gymnastics so that my friend don't "misunderstand" because it's "complicated". That's how I know I am in a trauma bond. Healthy relationships aren't hard to explain, even the fights. (In my experience)
I stayed for 7 years, believing that his claim of having Asperger’s AND an old TBI were the issue. Nope. When I tried to end the relationship, because the Aspergers and and TBI issues were just too toxic to live with … he went into a rage like I’d never seen. His reaction to my fear was the ‘grin’ and then the mask came off. Once I saw that, I just knew what he was. Dangerous!
This helps to explain when Freud says to truly love, it requires one to give up self love. Of course after Narcissistic abuse the self healing message is to regain self love, and somewhat confusing, one must love themselves to a degree to then be in a position to healthily love another. So, I read it to mean that Freud meant one must give up a narcissistic kind of self love.
Wow I had a pleasant surprise to get to the end of what you were saying. I don't really know how to put the way what you just said made me feel. What a great discovery you have come up with. Thank you for sharing that.
Letting go of self love only works when your special other does the same, in case your special other is a narc, the best you can do is hold on firmly to your self love and leave his/her life as soon as posible for your own sanity.
So I am diagnosed (from 7 yrs old) and I had a friend identifying with asd, they would get mad or resentful when I would talk about asd, and thriving, and the needs of a person with asd. They would get mad that I had diagnoses and they didint. Much of asd is incompatable with the narcissistic over culture, particularly the more passive aggressive types. Because we will confront others pretty quick when they show manipulative and confusing behaviour: to gain clarity and inclusivity within the more narcissistic group dynamics. We will literally see what’s going on and name it and oh boy is that not tactful and not safe, we end up really isolated. And this gets us into unsafe situations quickly.... anyways I wondered about my friend because they did not really have symptoms but they would bully when they were down, guilt trip and avoid accountability at all times, claiming that that was asd. It was annoying bc people with asd seem more honest and many times accountable they just want to stick to reality. Brainwashing on an autistic person is really dangerous and makes us sick Much quicker then someone without asd we learned from a young age that we must keep facts straight for self regulation. When one thing is reality and the other person is claiming it is something else we get kinda really uhhh??? Confused I guess? It’s called Perceptual intelligence we literally don’t have the skills to pretend reality is not what it is, and we’re too honest and naive exposing our soft underbellies to the predators. Anyways I really worry about all the npds hiding out under the asd umbrella. My friend showed little compassion for my symptoms and violated my boundaries often. All while claiming to have my diagnosis when they lacked many many of the symptoms.
Wow. This explains so much. This made me think of a friend I distanced myself from November last year after hitting rock bottom mentally from being around them. We met when we were 6 and were close friends until the age of 15 (2009) when I left because I was so unwell from being friends because he kept intentionally hurting me and then turn around and say it was a mistake. Lots of guilttripping gaslighting and shaming. I only got diagnosed with asd a few years ago but I've known since 2013. He had by the time I was diagnosed managed to get back into my life after 5 years of radio silence. And he now had a total of 13 years of therapy with multiple tests to figure out what his problems stemmed from and they could never get a conclusive result. He now had three partners, all who are ND (add, autism) and he inserts himself into the traits of these disorders while acting.. off. It's really scary to have him like. Invade these spaces and demand so much compassion and understanding from people around him while being so mean and disregarding of his partner's and my specific needs while simultaneously claiming to be an expert on being accomodating for them?? The cognitive dissonance. Through reading your comment I realized he so badly wants to have "an excuse" for the way he is as if that is all there is to autism.
@@LitcheTheArsm yes they invade the spaces and make it all about them, often times the ndps will have more charisma too and they are the much prefered person in our state of capitalism. they will become the autistic "spokes person" because they have learned to manipulate people into getting their way. and then the other folk will just kind of get swept under the rug, unnoticed bc that is asd u become invisible, then the folk mimicing asd all of a sudden is everyones lovechild XD
I am breaking myself trying to help my partner. I am so stressed, depressed and sick. I gave up everything for him to follow his dreams, and I am now broke and broken. And I keep telling him how much I love him and I want to help him and give him his best life. But...he hates me...and projects and blames me for his childhood trauma. I cannot believe this has happened to me. I was full of life, achieving and super healthy. My heart and mind is broken.
Wow, so weird you mention a narrow band. I felt like my life with the ex c. Narc was a road that kept getting narrower and narrower, till I was getting squeezed into suffocation. He must have been doing the same thing to me that was done to him. His interpretation of love 🤮. It was so stressful and all consuming trying to stay in this narrow lane. Omg that bearded guy in your video has thee exact same look my ex c. Narc had in his rage and discard! Yikes! Thank you again Richard.
Also, thank you for the small explanation that led to a google search on Freud's theory about the Oedipus complex . Psychology is gross and social distancing is suddenly not that bad.
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
8. Pathological lying.
9. Victim mentally.
10. No responsibility.
Just my 2¢ worth.
That's worth more than 2 cents as you just described my x husband
Disconnected in reality and intimacy - cannot connect the dots..
Now it's the 10 commandments of narcissism lol
I'm not sure if pathological lying is always present. Some times they're dishonest on a character level but dont necessarily lie all the time. In a relationship they may be pathological liars because they have a motive in the context of the relationship to cover up their true feelings
11. No Empathy chip installed
Nurture isn’t always the cause of narcissism. There’s plenty of people who went through a bad childhood but still develop empathy
Kaajal
Totally agree with you.
I'd say those are the majority. And I don't agree for a second that narcissism is caused by childhood trauma, I think it's just caused by the person having such a level of entitlement that they think they deserve everything and other people deserve nothing, so when they are not the focus of attention for the smallest reason, it causes narcissistic injury and they *think* of that as a trauma.
Thank you.
@@lauramartins5953 i don't think so. I feel narcissists are actually very insecure deep inside. That's why they are envious if everybody. And I think most of that is caused by their upbringing.
You are ❌wrong...
They will cry out in pain as they strike you.
Old polish proverb was originally directed at Jews
Yikes! This....
Matt Orloff my ex literally did this!
@@lpeacelovefaith9566 I'm so sorry to hear that.
And blame it on you that they hurt themselves while striking you.
1- Shamelessness
2- Magical Thinking
3- Arrogance
4- Envy
5- Entitlement
6- Exploitation
7- Bad Boundaries
They mistreat people , they exploit people , they are monsters, 😢
Yes they are.
Thanks 😊
What about exaggerations and lies?
Croco X true
They hate everything that doesn't make them look good
TheProphecticClock exactly they're all about image & everything has to be perfect .
My sister hates who I am. Criticizes, demeans, anything good in me or things I've done in my life, she finds a way to make it negative. I was aware of that, before narcissism came into my vocabulary. I didn't argue with her or try to prove anything, but in my head I said she doesn't get it or me. Does same thing to her daughter and anyone's accomplishments.
who doesn't.
....or anything that distracts attention from them.
Dosent everyone?
Thats why higher status people dont groove with lower status people.
"They cannot tell the difference between you and themselves"... SO TRUE AND SO CREEPY!!!
It's been a few years I've noticed that when I would say something that maybe my sister found interesting, or original, or I don't know what... she would remain silent and look at the floor, as if she was thinking something. Then without fail, some time later, she would repeat what I had said word for word, as if she had thought it, or lived it. I can be an opinion, an information about myself, a trait, a memory.
When I noticed that, it really freaked me out. It still does.
My narcs biggest defenses: "That was not my intention." and "I didn't know."
Exactly!!!!
Amen to "that was not my intention"
What if it actually wasn't their intention or they actually didn't know? I am just mindful that we can't assume intentions of another person because we can't mind read...
Agreed. I've upset someone before because my anxiety had me behaving irrationally. That person then took it upon themselves to draw the conclusion that I was playing games with them, when really I was sat meditating trying to regulate my mind and emotions.
My response was "I'm sorry if my behaviour has ever made you feel unsafe, that really was not my intention."
Does that make me a narcissist? Maybe it does! Maybe we all have narcissistic tendencies and we all label each other far too much, when in reality there are millions of traumatised overgrown children out there just trying to protect themselves. Maybe it's never been their intention to hurt other people at all and it's all been far too unconscious for them to even recognise what they're doing. 🤷🏻♀️
After a lovely date my boyfriend posted on facebook a "don't know what you've got until it's gone" post regarding missing his ex. Clearly he knew it be extremely hurtful and he would be rid of me. He claimed "it was not my intention to hurt you". I said "oh yes it absolutely was". 3 days later he is writing poems about meant to be with her. Knew the entire time he was abusing me.
People complain that I go on about narcissism yet it literally is everywhere.
It sure is everywhere it also comes from adult children who grew up with a father who was narcissistic even though she tried to protect her from her it doesn’t work she has knocked me against walls & pushed me around & belittled me & finally took my grandchild away from me because I was trying to protect her from her mother my daughter
A German book is called " the narcissistic society "
okram facebook thanks I’ll check that out!
cindykrista very true indeed
cnote49 yep I have a narcissistic father myself, both my grandfathers were narcs too. It’s like a disease
Oddness and creepiness... that's the piece of narcissism that I've heard almost no one else talk about. After a while, looking at them was like staring into a haunted house. I also went do the path of thinking it was both autism and brain damage.
Vi,How interesting I find your comment????I thought that it was a mild type of autism too? That's why I hung in there for so long...It can bring out the mother in you until you realize the insidiousness behind it all..
Yes, ive seen very odd behavior and have heard some very twisted evil things come out of its mouth! I say it because i can't relate! The amount of torture and pain they are willing to inflict on their prey is so shocking. They run the gambit of all their tricks of their nasty trade and then begin again!!! RUN!! God bless us all!!💜
Agree so much
Used just to think that narrow mindedness combined with stubborness is such a deadly combination...now i realised that they are just infentile parasitic creatures who will simply stick to any ideation that will secure their supply
"looking at them was like staring into a haunted house" *chills* that is sooo on point.
My soon to be ex husband is awkward, like social anxiety disorder. He is verbally abusive and thinks he’s done nothing wrong. He has no ,zero emotion. He wasn’t nurtured, and held his breath as a infant. Was given Phenobarbital for “ anger and temperament “. His dad was alcoholic, his sisters were made to take care of him most of the time. I’ve learned , he told me he doesn’t like to be touched. He’s not affectionate,
Married 23 years, always felt trapped, I’m packing now he’s in denial , won’t help get the house ready to sell.
Yes, he’s been to therapist and was asked to leave. He’s smarter than them. I’ve known he’s sick, but I’m not afraid anymore. He’s become more quiet. I need to go , it’s my time now. I enjoy and learn from your channel, thank you.
sending you love. I was with my ex for 23 years too. He was like a Robot. He watched me like a hawk.....that so many thought was love....it was him mirroring me. Prayers for you and your healing. You are more powerful than you know. xo
best of luck to you
The rewards will be amazing, but it will take patience & time. Freedom was so refreshing for me.... :)
Very best wishes!
Whatever you do don’t go back because he will make you pay for going back he will make you pay for leaving in the first place and it only gets worse it never gets better I was married to a Very high spectrum narcissist almost malignant physically abusive verbally abusive financially abusive in the end they make it impossible to be around them and you just have to leave do not feel guilty do not feel bad this is the best decision that you’re making in your life by the way after you leave there going to say that you were abusive and that they are the victim they will start A horrendous smear campaign to force you to talk to them and confront them don’t buy into it just ignored by the way in the end the narcissist usually destroys themselves especially when their main source of supply is gone
This is the 1st video about narcissistic behavior that truly described my past relationship. I thought my ex was on the autism spectrum. I spent months trying to adapt to their odd behaviors and trying to be understanding. I felt compassion for him. In the end, I had to cut him off entirely. It was exhausting and emotionally depleting. This description of his childhood was spot on. Thank you for this explanation.
1. Shameless - hate criticism
2. Magical thinking - perfection
3. Arrogance - bullies
4. Envy - attack others
5. Entitlement
6. Exploiting
7. Bad boundaries
Add: delusional, game playing, 100 percent 24/7 devotion to self elevation
Poor boundaries.
Sounds like I am addicted to these explanations of narcissism.. the more I learn about it, the more I feel better.
Maybe it's validating
The narcissist I married received excessive attention from over bearing narcissistic parents who covered up his destructive anti social behaviour. The narc spoke of his hatred for his mother often, and was arrogant, wealthy, entitled, highly intelligent but exhibited a frightening, exploitative, childish envious bullying behaviour when the mask slipped. Understanding my codependence through therapy has given me the strength to escape and grow in amazing ways. Thank you for your help, as few therapists understand the destructive effects of this virulent condition. 🙏👏💥
Oh, the one I had had this full attention by grandparents and parents and used to fight them all the time. Then he used to tell me: oh, why do you tell everything to your parents? He made me think I was the wrong one... It's been a month
GIOVANNA PANDOLFO All the best in your recovery. Stay strong.
Wanda this sounds AWFUL. Take care, I'm concerned that this man may explode. Be CAREFUL. Stay safe and don't suppose you will know all he is capable of. Leaving is terrifying. Healing afterwards is tough too. Greetings and many blessings from the scottish highlands. Love and light. Happy Easter ♥️✌️💪🙏🏴
Wanda Jane that sounds exactly like my situation. I hope more of us co-dependents learn what our part is in allowing this to be done to us so WE can heal and break free from being in these types of relationships
Robin Revell thank you
If you want a clear picture of what they're doing to you, just look at what they accuse you of doing. Also, if they reach absurdly high levels of disgust towards you, they are not likely to be in the normal range of people - they are within the narcissistic range. A relatively normal person can put you somewhere in the spectrum of people they dislike or are indifferent to with a reasonable level of accuracy - the narcissist goes into "full hatred mode" toward people who don't merit that level of anger and disgust.
@@Geminidreams65 yes! I have had many e-mails now with all the things I did according to my ex but Im sure he is projecting his thoughts on me (like being a liar or narcisist myself lol)
Good observation. Accurate.
That's a weirdly good observation, I mean something that's not often picked up on and just triggered awareness in me. The person who I presumed was a narcissist in my life had extremely high levels of disgust sensitivity towards people. It was totally nuts witnessing it. Interesting point to make.
@@romeojung8954 The reason they do it is that they are trying to divert your attention away from someone, and ultimately back towards them. So they overinflate the hatred as a scare tactic - so you don't think about that person and instead refocus on them at all times.
Thats what I told him "wow! , Im not a child.killer or.a pdf, Im just a normal, decent person , I ve never done anything to warrant being spoken to with so much contempt. "
Its.very shocking and it is indeed a very big reveal that something is very wrong with them.
Haha...."I want all the toys." A perfect description of my divorce. He managed to coerce and bully his way into getting my parent's inheritance to me (their belongings) and 97% of everything we owned together including the vehicle. The life lesson I understood that I had to go through was, it is better to leave with nothing and have my sanity, material items can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Are you going to hate who took them from you/would not share them with you? or are you going to forgive and move on? It is better to muddle your way through starting from scratch than to continue to endure hell.
You sound just like me. And freedom and sanity was worth every cent. Hugs
You are strong. I'm not sure I would be able to feel the same. You're awesome.
Holly Ann Guy, I'm just here to acknowledge your courage
Makes me want to be brave! God bless you!! Warriors!!
@@mireillelebeau2513 Thank you.
Someone who "can't deal with adult reality" WOW. That hits the nail on the head. You described the narc I'm dealing with to a "T". Thank you Richard, your videos are so helpful and informative 🙌
You just 100% described my kids mother. The magical thinking is a fantastic tool they use in an argument. They use lies, manipulation and non logic to win.
Sounds like a Democrat
For anyone who hasn't watched it, find a way to watch The Invisible Man. It's about a woman who escapes from a relationship with a controlling narcissist. The film deals with gaslighting, and other tricks they use to make the victim think they're crazy. It is extremely relatable to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, right down to the ending. (there are some spoilers in the replies).
Gaslight is a term taken from the original movie with the same name about a man who gaslights his lover. It came out in 1944.
@Levi Skardsen I am so interested in watching The Invisible Man, love Elizabeth Moss's superb talent but I'm one year into recovery of a relationship with a Covert Narcissist that nearly destroyed me. I was crazy in love with him but later learned I was actually trauma-bonded... I am fearful of being triggered watching this movie so soon :-(
@@roma4241 I think it ended that way to show they will never admit any wrongdoing, even in private.
@@QueenOfMarsReactsToEarth I found it somewhat refreshing that a major Hollywood film really nailed how a narcissist abuses people. What really frustrates me is that people can't understand how my mother could possibly behave in such a way, yet the writers for this film absolutely get it.
Levi Skardsen yep my life now as an adult child of 2 narcissistic parents ... they are constantly still in my head at 47! I battle them everyday
Whenever anything didn't go to plan, as things often do in life, he'd go to pieces. It was all doom and gloom, and I should sit in a corner and cry. Mood swings, hibernation, blame shifting, gaslighting and the good old silent treatment that would go on for days. I'm so glad that I'm not in Lock-down with him.
Oh wow! I know exactly what you're describing.
I just love listening to you. I always learn so much. New perspectives. In regards to the narcissists envy, that one really hit me. My covert narc husband never ever shows happiness for my achievements. I enjoy trying a lot of challenging things because its just so much fun. He never looks at me, he never is happy for me and never says congratulations. He ignores me. He is jealous. He usually sneers with disapproval. Im learning shuffle dancing now and he won't watch me and smile. He avoids it.
And the bullying. He is a covert narc with underhanded verbal blows. I could write a book on the horrible treatment I've experienced.
Thank you for helping us, me, those who need it, everyone. I'm so appreciative.
Robin Williams described his life as a kid exactly like this as to his need to “perform” for his parents.
Great training and very informative.
Thank you!
I find Robin to have been the escape goat - not the predator or bully
He was also an extreme introvert when not on stage. Many of the damaged people in Hollywood are like that, but not all are evil. Their handlers are where the evil comes from. Agents are all vultures, they just appear as doves.
@@mmmdara471 thats right Robin was an ENFP
sarah you’re the jester. There’s a story about how you’ve been dressed up as the jester to perform for the king. You’re later locked into the catacombs
@sarah Yes - you're an empath which means you can never ever be a narc just remember that all she can do is enhance and improve with boundaries as an empath
This spoke to me.. I can honestly say the last few days I've really enjoyed being single , feel like I've been way more productive without all the extra stress and worry I had before.. 😊thanks.
That was a fascinating take on the subject!! To be honest it presented me with my own polar opposite form of narcissism, as the codependent it's almost as if I want to conquer the narcissist and force him to be loving me...in union. It's not very different from the narcissist core wound! Wow.
This was helpful, Richard. My narc husband who has just taken off with his new supply is a well known lawyer n self styled activist. He has built himself such a good reputation that it's difficult for me to label him a narc, publicly anyways. I need to be very sure that he fits the bill before I can go public with the reason for our breakup, initiate divorce etc.
As usual, that was a brilliant analysis. When you talk about these traits, I see different people in my life- my late father, my sister, former “friends”- it all makes sense. I have compassion for them, yet understand that they can be dangerous, nonetheless and stay away from them. It’s is a spiritual battle as I feel that if they could get away with it, they would seek to annihilate me on a soul level.
This is a gorgeous statement that really helped me today and I appreciate you for articulating this.
Curious Nook I have to wonder if you were at the other end of their arms growing up if you would think differently. It’s shaped who I became today. Selfless, honest, empathetic, compassionate everything they aren’t
Funny that’s exactly what they tried to do without knowing it. Destroy me spiritually. I doubt God a lot however thank God He made me in his image & knows my heart. They didn’t break me. I finish the end of my life now
Survivor OfMany
Yes, I’d rather be who would am than how they are. My sister and I grew up in the same house. She was the oldest and became the narcissist. I was younger and became a people pleaser in order to survive and protect myself. The narcissist as well as the codependent develop out of the same circumstances. I think birth order had a lot to do with my situation. I saw my sister getting beaten and abused for rebelling when I was 4years younger and I probably decided that it was safer to be the “good little girl” and never ever upset my parents, get good grades etc. it was a survival technique for both my sister and I. Both are dysfunctional, yet the narcissist gets the worst wrap out of the two. I am glad, however, that I became empathetic out of the situation.
@Curious Nook...Yes, exactly. And it’s a sad reality to accept that some people are nourished by your pain.
This is great. Spot on. They know what do. They just don't see it.
Ive recently become very ill and it has shown their nasty true colors more than anything i could of imagined. They have tried to pretend to care, pretend to be a help but its so blatantly obvious that they dont care at all and their “help” is really just adding problems to and already bad situation.
I can tell how they are actually enjoying the fact im sick. They are getting off on it, in some way.
Truly disgusting.
Thanks goodness you see through it and can tell that it is something they are feeding off of.
Instead of it confusing you, what I mean is I'm glad that you can see and understand what is going on. But I'm sure you don't know why it is happening and I don't either. It is disgusting to see something so clearly that is not nice. There are tons of other people in the world and hopefully after you get better you will find people who will not enjoy seeing things go badly for you. I hope that you feel better soon. Please don't lose hope.
Nick I’ve been through this too and it’s horrendous......The pain and disappointment too.....Take heart and look after yourself, as then others who truly are worthy will look after you too....💕
Once saw my mom smiling while my uncle, HER BROTHER, was crying from the pain of his tuberculosis.
YES!!!Thinking it was autism or brain damaged!!! I couldn't find the words for it! Thanks!
Interesting: for almost 20 years, I thought my husb was autistic. Turned out he is a covert N.(attested) and finally everything makes sense. I can totally relate to your experience, thank you for sharing.
Yes, my ex-husband of 17 years too! I thought he was autistic until (years after the divorce): ping! I stumbled across the truth. It's all abundantly clear now, the traits that are not autistic: total absence of empathy and not caring if others are hurt, the need to control, the false "front" he purposely puts on to charm others to feed his need for attention, the extreme selfishness at any cost, the addictions and lies and the secrecy around maintaining this covertly.
Plus when we met, he love bombed me, persisted until I married him then isolated me by moving me across the country, away from all my family - classic narcissism right there. Then he began dating the locals whilst I went out to work because he couldn't get a job! He couldn't commit to anything long term: homes, women, jobs - he had multiples of ever-changing everything.
Our narc uses the excuse that he is bipolar. Only thing is that he can control his behavior and turn it on and off.
OMG! Mine too!!!!
My ex acts autistic also. He’s covert narc. But I just said the other day I feel like communicating with someone who is autistic.
This is the very BEST explanation of narcissism I have ever heard... the FETAL state of having all their needs met... creepy man, it's freaking me out!
Excellent description about childhood, I’ve always had a suspicion that the narcissist in my life who was the youngest child, was raised in such a way... Haven’t spoken to him in three years, but he is in complete denial of any wrongdoing to anyone.
One of the best videos I have seen! Thank you for your brazen honesty about narcissism and codependency and the game we play from the place of false self! I am recovering from a relationship with a narcissist and now see my contribution to this game. (Yuck). And how we play it out with our false self. The healing I’m experiencing is due in part to my awareness and willingness to accept responsibility for myself and what I attract into my life, rather than blaming. Again, thank you for what you contribute to this world full of so many broken souls!
Great insight...
They seem to creep up on others... They begin with compliments and then gradually devalue you... But they always drop a hint that there is something off with them.
You really nailed it on this video. The covert nars can be so intense in those 7 ways, and really really harmful.
I had to laugh because I did the exact same thing, thinking my ex was autistic, though also looked into ADD, and questioned something else being wrong because of such odd, awkward communication issues.
Chris Kiesling,You look cute 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
@@jackpetersen7545 huh
Wow... I needed to hear this information. It explains so much about the behavior patterns of the Narcissist in my life. When I see him and his parents interact, it is so in line with what you are describing in the part about how parents interact with their children. They only offer approval when he does things they like or if he is showing interest in the things they value. Anything outside their worldview is met with complete disinterest or outright rejection. It’s creepy to watch, especially between adults. Of course, he is in complete denial of this dynamic which makes me sad beyond words.
Shameless, is exactly right. My Father is Frank from that show, but worse and poorer. Your videos have helped me tremendously is getting my power back, both parents were addicts and covert narcissists. I feel nobody will ever understand how much I’ve suffered and believed I was out of my mind crazy. I’ve managed to stay out of the psych ward for over 3 years which is great, however, I’m still afraid to even date. I knew at 12 that I never wanted children in fear that I would screw them up as bad as my parents did me, and that I would never make enough money to support a child. It’s kind of a shame because my friends tell me that I would be the best Mother. I don’t even believe I will ever even find a suitable partner, let alone all that. Thanks, Richard. 🙏🏼 Edit: talk about performing, my Mother used to have me drink alcohol to dance, sing, make her and her freinds laugh, starting at the tender age of 5!
😂 You eloquently and off-handly explained my exs partners mothers odd cold behaviour in this video to me. Always a nice lady... never once raised her voice in six years, very passive to her son's explosive anger, but never used the word "love", and but always got excited and very happy about his accomplishments, and other times bitter and distant, when he didn't measure up to what she expected of him. He always said he had " issues" with his mother but would never talk about it. For the life of me I couldn't understand what he was talking about. There was no abuse, but I guess this is abuse too... thanks for explaining this 🥰
Wow. Thank you for this video and this deep insight. It actually makes me feel very sorry for them. If only they could see the damage they cause and reflect on themselves as adults... but that’s the problem they won’t ..: they never will .. they can’t ... sad.
This is probably my favorite video! When I describe my sister in law and father in law, others often ask if they are on the autism or aspergers spectrum. This video is SO helpful! My mother and my brother move from covert to malignant narcissism. Just so stuck in their own fantasies. I truly believe my husband and I were raised in these unhealthy families to change the generational trauma. My BS meter (intuition) is spot on. ❤
My ex did have a traumatic brain injury, with a titanium plate in his face. I excused too much of his behavior because “he couldn’t help it”. He was great most of the time, until the demon came out. He could not control impulses on alcohol. He got diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, after I required sobriety and counseling to be around me. Of course he fell off the wagon and got nuclear on my life when I tried to leave him. Your channel has helped me a lot! So glad to be done!
Lucille Bruce So glad you aren’t stuck quarantining with him!
More like Hallelujah! BPD can turn any situation into a nightmare, bc they feel like it, or can’t help it, or are bored. Happy to say I am 2.5 years FREE!
Lucille Bruce That’s so amazing!
What was the demon doing?
Chaos monster cruelty, crossing major boundaries, violence, inhumanity, escalating insanity, involving my work & family, delusional justifications, etc
That last part was Gold!
It's true about not being able to stand criticism (they love dishing it out, but heaven help you if you criticise them). It's probably why when I broke up with mine she immediately contacted everyone we knew to tell them that she'd broken up with me because I was "toxic" and had been "abusive" to her. She even went to the lengths of (AFTER we'd broken up and were no longer living together) contacting a domestic abuse charity so she could say - "Dave was abusive, it was so toxic, I've even had to contact a domestic abuse helpline". I only found out by accident - so my message is, if you DARE to leave them, be ready for the almighty backlash you're going to get, where they paint you as a monster by projecting everything they did onto you.
It makes you feel like a pariah.
My ex did this too. Even Called people I haven't spoken to for 25 years to tell them I was abusive and cheating. Most believed her. Thankfully the police somehow didn't believe her and didn't charge me for assault. They are evil.
My boyfriend got a new girlfriend and blamed me because I hadn't answered my phone one day.He was very upset and angry.I said I sneezed and you got in someone else's bed of course it's my fault.
proud of you for leaving. i myself went through it its been 2 weeks and ive never felt more free
@@demo3456
That's fantastic... I'm happy for you! 💪🏼
I know I don't know you but I don't need too, to truly feel your relief and freedom... bc I know "them" and the confused Hell we are put through. So congratulations!
I've been with my malignant covert narc husband for 25 years. I am soo over his shiaat now, no emotions for him anymore (just boredom) I just ignore his antics. I got on with my life and don't involve him in any of it. Thankfully... no kids!
Not divorced but it doesn't matter.. Clearing the energy cords that connected us did the trick.
Take care 🦋✌🏼
@Dave Shuttleworth
That's awesome for setting yourself free. 🤗 That's really a feat to be proud of! 💪🏼
I hope you have a wonderful life now and into the future.
Take care! 🦋✌🏼
Richard I would like to Thank You- for all of your advice on "Narcissism." I just wanted to take this opportunity to reach out to you tonight and tell you that I sincerely appreciate all of the content that you have published.
I am really grateful for the information that I have read here on TH-cam and on your website! You have made me feel a lot better about myself and you have given me hope that my life will change one day for the better.
Thank you so much for this. This has helped me to really pinpoint the key markers and characteristics so that I know what/who I'm dealing with. I did not understand why I had to "perform" to get the approval of my ex, and with that approval came affection and attention. Always short lived and on to the next thing I had to accomplish or perform... the cycle was endless until I realized I could never be perfect enough for him. When I took my power back it was awful and escalated quickly. I didn't understand why and what was wrong. Thank you, with all I have, thank you, for making this clear to me. Still healing.
Richard is awesome. He knows what’s happening.
Thanks for mentioning the trendiness of “narc labeling” anyone someone finds difficult. I’ve had five serious partners in my long life, two of them were narcissists. That was more than enough to nearly destroy my life. The first was a covert who blossomed slowly up the spectrum. My second was an overt who had all 7 traits in spades. Sadly, forewarned is forearmed. I’m facing my co-narcissism, codependency, and childhood more squarely now.
Richards talks are so insightful and helpful. Not only does he delivery his messages with researched information, but with great empathy. Richard has experienced the pain and confusion of what victims of narcissistic abuse suffered, and he comes from truly caring and wanting to support victims in unraveling the confusion and pain of what they have been through so they can free themselves.
Wow. Absolutely amazing. Bravo! I shed a tear at the end of this it was so good. Thank you.
This is so sad, especially since a narcissist of any kind was once a little baby/child who was abused and emotionally neglected. But as an adult, their defense mechanisms they created to survive their childhood environment cannot survive in a healthy adult environment. The core person becomes the host to the parts he/she created as a child. The host craves healthy love, healthy relationships, mimics what others to who have what they want and they often attract it in partner only feel bewildered when she behaves irrational and erratic. She's behaving that way because his parts see her as a threat to their existence. She SEES and feels them. These parts must destroy her to live.
Well bloody done Richard, another stellar video - laughed out loud with a full heart when I seen that smiley baby 👶🏼
You’re a good soul mate
This was the best explanation of of how and why narcissism originates!😊It finally makes so much sense!🤔👍
Another excellent video Richard. I think it's great how you combine psychology and philosophy in helping us understand narcissistic behaviour and empowering us with your wisdom.
Unbelievably accurate. These are so helpful. Thank you
“They are really only interested in the emotional responses of others.”
Bam.
Can you explain. I noticed when we lived together I'd wake up normal. New day Etc And he'd seem to always scan my face or try too read me 🤷♀️ it felt like he was playing chess with my emotions...if I'm just zened out he didn't like it. He'd start complaining About odd thing's. Even when I had peace it's like he wasn't comfortable with it. He was addicted too my emotional state And he played me Like a puppet.. Im now working on being less reactive with him... separated now. Thankgod. Wasn't easy
Awesome presentation. Perfect for anybody waking up. It's made a complex condition so much easier to understand. Very well done Richard!
Brilliant explanation Richard through your videos I uncovered a so called friend who is a narc
I ended the so called friendship abruptly to his face then got in my car and drove of and not heard from him since and my life is so much better. Many thanks and keep up the great work. 👍
I can see in this video you sound better and stronger than when I started watching you in 2015. I am a therapist in the U.S. and thank you for doing a great job of putting this together in this form to give a person a “road map” of what they are dealing with. As you know having insight into “What was I really having in that relationship?” is when the patient opens the door to gaining insight. Then you know the rest, processing one’s emotional entanglement where they got lost in the narcissist’s narrative. Yep matrix is good word. lol Don’t take their blue pill. kidding around with ya. Thanks
Katherine Leatherwood,You look gorgeous 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Excellent summary and understanding. One of the best. Thank you.
I wish this was available BEFORE I married my now-ex--husband. He was textbook--you know it's bad when your marital counselor puts a sticky on the page of the DSM IV to show you at your next visit what a sociopathic narcissist looks like.
My marriage counselor actually asked to see me by myself without my husband. When I got there he told me that I needed to leave him. It was a big very freeing wake up call!
Don’t be a “not winner” guys!
Dantes inferno. I was brought up Roman Catholic. Had to explain to the Narc what the word humility meant.
I had to explain intimacy to the ex narc. Big red flag.
I love to watch you bcuz...#1 you're easy on the eyes...2 you're enthusiastic about your content...3 you're open minded and don't see things in black and white...4 you have a great deal of knowledge on your subject matter...5... you're not so serious that you can't see the humor in yourself, others and your subject matter. 6...your content is fresh....7....I love the artistic venues when shooting scenes outdoors with your talented videoographer. Those are the 7 reasons I enjoy your TH-cam videos. Thanks for sharing. Grateful for you.
Wow you cleared up a ton of questions I had..you layed it out so clear..Thankyou so much for these videos..God Bless you
Wow! I just had a blow-up with my narcissist and your videos showed up. Lol
I believe you're spot on! Thank you! 🌼
Thank you so much for this. You were the first program I found when I realized what had happened to me over 2 years ago. Beyond grateful for your work and content.
TQVVM 4 UR INSIGHTFUL INSIGHTS..🙊🙉🙈
This is one of your best videos yet. You have helped me in so many ways. Thank you Richard.
I was raised by two very emotionally unavailable parents and it has caused a lot of debilitating lifelong pain and a lifelong investigative journey that is distinctly not rewarding or bringing any peace but rather just more anger and sense of injustice.
Now that I’ve recently discovered Mr. Grannon I find myself frequently seeing numerous parallels that I would say seem to potentially mimic narcissism and then I’ll find myself asking friends if I could be a narcissist too and I always get reassured that I am definitely not. Recently, i am caregiving for a flaming narcissist and again these traits well up frequently as I find myself exhausted taking care of a ridiculously high maintenance elderly man who is worse than most little tyrannical children I’ve ever encountered.
It can really mess with my mind almost daily now.
Confusing.
Thank you Richard!!🙏That was such an illuminating video!!
Tq Sir! Good description... God bless 🙏🏽
THANK YOU RICHARD for all you’re doing to shed light on these very painful, confusing, and unhealthy relational experiences!
You are spot on! 28 years, thanks to Mr. Richard i have been awaken!!
I am everything , everything is me and all my needs are met.
If come deviation, then take it back by force.
After 4 years I finally realised I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. He discarded me and now 8 months on I never ever thought I would say this but I am relieved he isn't part of me anymore. I see him daily because we work together. That made it more difficult to go no contact. My 22 year old son never took to him and used to say to me did I think he was autistic?
OO-rah sister. I hear you. 15 year marriage. I year free. My adult son has been no contact for a decade. When I told him we were separated he began to contact me, just me, by phone again.
It feels so damned good to be out.
I'm so relieved to be free I've decided I'm happier single for the rest of my life.
Incredible insight from a fresh angle. Thank you.
I have to say, their moms in most cases, don’t want to broke that infantile connection. They keep enabling the Narc.
Very eyopening. A very creative way to explain it.
I love these videos so educational on this personality disorder. Got a few around me
Always appreciate your directness. Good run through of the signs.
I loved all the cultural references in this!! Well done! Really spoke to me, and made me smile. x
Wow! This was great!! The illustration of going back into the womb is spot on. They truly cannot handle the fact that they are not...everything.
This lecture has been fun to hear and very educational.
Wow... "You exist to serve me or YOU DO NOT exist!" ... So true... I am the... erm "non winner" for sure. Thanks man. More clarity. Onwards ONWARDS!
Absolutely brilliant video Richard , thank you
Another excellent and helpful video tyvm
Thank you for this ... I have had my own theory about the link between Narcissism and Autism. I'm sure that BPD intertwines with this as well. It's refreshing to know that you share the same theory.
You are the first person to come across to mention the fragile aspect of a narcissist. I mean others kind of do say it, but you explained it in a more plastic and understandable way. Specials the last few minutes. It was always my impression that under the violence and aggression there is this wounded toddler. A massive instability. But at the same time a rational intellect of a grown person without any borders. When the ego is hurt it’s as if a narcissist seeks out for total annihilation. Spouse, son, daughter, brother, sister... family ties don’t matter in any way to them. As for money seems also to be a very crucial part of a narcissist. Money equals control.
For me, the biggest sign I have had that I am dating (yet another) narcissist is that when I try to explain the situation to my friends, I am doing more mental gymnastics so that my friend don't "misunderstand" because it's "complicated". That's how I know I am in a trauma bond. Healthy relationships aren't hard to explain, even the fights. (In my experience)
Oh interesting
💥
I stayed for 7 years, believing that his claim of having Asperger’s AND an old TBI were the issue. Nope. When I tried to end the relationship, because the Aspergers and and TBI issues were just too toxic to live with … he went into a rage like I’d never seen. His reaction to my fear was the ‘grin’ and then the mask came off. Once I saw that, I just knew what he was. Dangerous!
This helps to explain when Freud says to truly love, it requires one to give up self love. Of course after Narcissistic abuse the self healing message is to regain self love, and somewhat confusing, one must love themselves to a degree to then be in a position to healthily love another. So, I read it to mean that Freud meant one must give up a narcissistic kind of self love.
Wow I had a pleasant surprise to get to the end of what you were saying. I don't really know how to put the way what you just said made me feel. What a great discovery you have come up with. Thank you for sharing that.
Letting go of self love only works when your special other does the same, in case your special other is a narc, the best you can do is hold on firmly to your self love and leave his/her life as soon as posible for your own sanity.
You should read: The Assault on Truth.
I love the sound effects! I’ve never seen videos on narcissism where I learn so much and laugh so hard at the same time.
So I am diagnosed (from 7 yrs old) and I had a friend identifying with asd, they would get mad or resentful when I would talk about asd, and thriving, and the needs of a person with asd. They would get mad that I had diagnoses and they didint. Much of asd is incompatable with the narcissistic over culture, particularly the more passive aggressive types. Because we will confront others pretty quick when they show manipulative and confusing behaviour: to gain clarity and inclusivity within the more narcissistic group dynamics. We will literally see what’s going on and name it and oh boy is that not tactful and not safe, we end up really isolated. And this gets us into unsafe situations quickly.... anyways I wondered about my friend because they did not really have symptoms but they would bully when they were down, guilt trip and avoid accountability at all times, claiming that that was asd. It was annoying bc people with asd seem more honest and many times accountable they just want to stick to reality. Brainwashing on an autistic person is really dangerous and makes us sick Much quicker then someone without asd we learned from a young age that we must keep facts straight for self regulation. When one thing is reality and the other person is claiming it is something else we get kinda really uhhh??? Confused I guess? It’s called Perceptual intelligence we literally don’t have the skills to pretend reality is not what it is, and we’re too honest and naive exposing our soft underbellies to the predators. Anyways I really worry about all the npds hiding out under the asd umbrella. My friend showed little compassion for my symptoms and violated my boundaries often. All while claiming to have my diagnosis when they lacked many many of the symptoms.
Wow. This explains so much.
This made me think of a friend I distanced myself from November last year after hitting rock bottom mentally from being around them. We met when we were 6 and were close friends until the age of 15 (2009) when I left because I was so unwell from being friends because he kept intentionally hurting me and then turn around and say it was a mistake. Lots of guilttripping gaslighting and shaming.
I only got diagnosed with asd a few years ago but I've known since 2013. He had by the time I was diagnosed managed to get back into my life after 5 years of radio silence.
And he now had a total of 13 years of therapy with multiple tests to figure out what his problems stemmed from and they could never get a conclusive result.
He now had three partners, all who are ND (add, autism) and he inserts himself into the traits of these disorders while acting.. off. It's really scary to have him like. Invade these spaces and demand so much compassion and understanding from people around him while being so mean and disregarding of his partner's and my specific needs while simultaneously claiming to be an expert on being accomodating for them?? The cognitive dissonance.
Through reading your comment I realized he so badly wants to have "an excuse" for the way he is as if that is all there is to autism.
@@LitcheTheArsm yes they invade the spaces and make it all about them, often times the ndps will have more charisma too and they are the much prefered person in our state of capitalism. they will become the autistic "spokes person" because they have learned to manipulate people into getting their way. and then the other folk will just kind of get swept under the rug, unnoticed bc that is asd u become invisible, then the folk mimicing asd all of a sudden is everyones lovechild XD
I am breaking myself trying to help my partner. I am so stressed, depressed and sick. I gave up everything for him to follow his dreams, and I am now broke and broken. And I keep telling him how much I love him and I want to help him and give him his best life. But...he hates me...and projects and blames me for his childhood trauma. I cannot believe this has happened to me. I was full of life, achieving and super healthy. My heart and mind is broken.
Wow, so weird you mention a narrow band. I felt like my life with the ex c. Narc was a road that kept getting narrower and narrower, till I was getting squeezed into suffocation. He must have been doing the same thing to me that was done to him. His interpretation of love 🤮. It was so stressful and all consuming trying to stay in this narrow lane. Omg that bearded guy in your video has thee exact same look my ex c. Narc had in his rage and discard! Yikes! Thank you again Richard.
That was Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean in Les Miserables.
Excellent content! I’ve said it before: sometimes the short format really makes you shine ✨
Also, thank you for the small explanation that led to a google search on Freud's theory about the Oedipus complex .
Psychology is gross and social distancing is suddenly not that bad.
That was one of the most articulate analyses of how narcissists develop and what their true desires are that I've ever heard. Well done! 👏
Thank you Richard for all of your work!!!