I am literally going through hell in my marriage right now. So much effort and sacrifice for someone who has never made a minimal effort for me. Wish strength to all people going through hard times
"You are always so negative" (invalidation) "you need to be grateful for the positive things" (toxic positivity and cognative dissonance) "even my family has commented on it" (triangulation) "you are why we cant move forward, quit living in the past!" (After being repeatedly stonewalled and no attempts at resolution, rendering the past the present)
This would cause any partner to feel like they are going crazy. Luckily you know this is wrong and you have terms to help you validate yourself. So many people don’t know how destructive these comments are :(
@@JimmyonRelationships I lived in a self blaming manic fog for probably better than 5 years. And it has taken me 5 years more to get to this place. Correcting poor nental health is like weight loss. It didn't go on in a day and it's not coming off in a day. Much like anything else in life it's the patterns that become paramount.
I had exactly the same thing told to me by my ex partner, I loved him to death, but I felt like a burden so much I had to end things. For him, and for myself.I am still in pain, but I wanted him to be happy and I wanted not. to feel like a failure.
I am currently going through a divorce because of this. There was no good time to talk- he was tired after work, or he was just trying to relax during his day off, or his kids were with us, or I was being "crazy" again. He told me repeatedly for 17 years that problems would go away if we ignored them long enough and that the only issue in our relationship was me because I was "crazy." I am watching videos like this to make sure that if I ever decide to date again, I set boundaries early and have a good handle on how to cultivate a healthy relationship.
You're not alone.. so many people aren't being heard.. this is why they're so many divorces in America.. if you want to be with someone actually be with them.. so many fake people walking around pretending to be love..
In Japan they have the concept of Kintsugi - mending broken pottery with gold. The theory is that by valuing and embracing the imperfections of something treasured something even more beautiful is made. The wisdom you share here makes me think of this concept. You've been on a long and difficult journey in your marriage that no doubt broke apart what existed before. The gold you channelled into the cracks is now so bright the world can see and appreciate it.
This is exactly my current life. Been dealing with this for years. But I'm so tired and hurt and stressed out. I have good days and bad days. What I mean by that is, some days I can put my pain and anger aside and it would seems like I'm happy and others the pain and anger rushes over me and i just sit and stare out of a window or cry. But I can't always talk about my feelings to him without an argument starting. I literally have to build myself up to a conversation about the hurt I'm feelings I know there will be a fight. So when I finally do, he will sigh roll his eyes get defensive and say what did I do now? We were having a good day today, you were ok this morning before I left. I have tried, but I'm tired now. I'm so exhausted being sad angry and lonely 😢I think I'm just scared to start over. Been with him for 16 years. I know I have to move on, just hard to do it😢
Yes! My “partner” would threaten to or leave when I would bring up issues, and say “I don’t want you yelling at me” or something along those lines. My complaints were very valid, and due to neglect and the burden of the relationship being one-sided.
Using 'avoidance' to control. Take back your power. You are in a 1-sided relationship anyway so move on (& do less laundry & cook less food). This person is just an albatross around your neck. (Dead weight around the neck only causes one to sink).
Thank you for this, Jimmy. While there was no internet when i went thru this (& the abused women around me were silent), i am out of that marriage. (It was long & lonely road to "peace" but much better off). Peace & my life are priceless.
I was having a partner that always avoid talking about hard stuff. If I try to bring it up he will try to find another topic or simply said “dont think about it”. Even on our last day together, he don’t bother try to ask about what I feel, he simply avoid talking about it as he want everything to be alright by itself. He was actually a nice person, but the emotinal burden that I was always trying to manage is so painful to me so I finally decide to leave. Even when I leave he blame it to me said that I’m cheating on him. I don’t understand why this kind of person never think inside to solve a problem.
It's like you have lived in my home and witnessed everything and are speaking directly to me. Thank you so much for your videos. You are truly an amazing human. ❤ I come to your videos when I'm at my weakest, and you give my heart strength enough to keep going. Thank you.
A love letter from a person who had put in the hard work. I met someone whom I grew to love. The next lesson I seemed to have to learn though, was that even though you love someone, they must love you in return. Sounds simple, even logical? Well, as a helpful, nurturing, teaching, caring person, I stepped in and tried to help them work out whether they loved me or not. This single action backtracked all that work and I went back to being emotionally unstable, confused, weak (instead of the confidence I had) and doubting my lovability. I encourage everyone to love from a distance. As a Christian, this means prayerful life for me. It also means kindness, respect and helpfulness when it is time and opportunities arise. We hear the concept of common sense right, and how some people are born with it and others are not? I am not sure how one measures what is common or not but look -- the abilities I am speaking about here are taught as if they should be inbuilt and already known. But the fact of the matter is, some of us don't actually KNOW (experientially and practically, rather than solely theoretical) that love can not be manufactured or birthed from debate, persuasion or even by example. No, the pouring out of more love will not beget their love for you. Being who you were, returning there, loving them but letting them go because you love them (because you want them to be happy, to make a convinced and full choice, to always be such a rollercoaster) is you being you and them being them. We can only win these kinds of debates with matters of math, and science, where the things are seen. But when it comes to love, it is mostly the unseen. It deals with so much of your being, all three actually, whereas evidence is only perception, critical thinking, and a couple of other things. To be able to love, and want to, requires an ability to be selfless, happy in life, fulfilled, and emotionally stable -- I don't even know why I am making a list but it is almost endless. In my personal situation, I believe I can see potential -- the wonderful potential of teamwork, common goals, common values, shared interests, differences that complement one another, and an understanding of each other's families (because of the personal experiences in our own) and families can be tough. There is some attraction, albeit not on fire but for some people, the universe needs to collide, loyalty and stackability through the tough times, conservative and traditional values and the list goes on. As someone who has waited for this before dating someone, to marry them, trust me when I say I understand how tough it can be when you both love and believe there is something of worth there. But love and commitment can not be persuaded into someone. And so, the first step in deserving someone who cares is accepting that you can not manufacture an ability to love, and strengthening that letting go muscle. If they are not ready to both see and honestly process a list like the one above, then you don't want to be with them. Let them realise it on their own, if they do because that will make the love that follows all the more beautiful. If it does follow. It may not. That is OK too. Because, as the video says, you deserve someone who cares. Singleness is far greater than any alternative.
Ugh this hits so hard. I need to watch this and think because it feels like it is a message I need to hear. My partner says my pain matters and they get mad when I say it doesn't matter to them. But my pain is never enough for them to act, so how does it actually matter. Lip Service.
Get this nail a bandage, will ya? - because you just HIT IT on the head. I live with ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’ It is *never* the right time to talk about anything of substance. 😣
Exactly. Won't read a book or watch a video. Think he listens when I talk? No, of course not. Moving out. I'm physically ill just from dealing with this BS
Yeah.... Everytime I try to talk about how I feel, he says now it's not the time and he doesn't want to talk about it. When I ask him when, he says he doesn't know. When he gaslights me and I get angry, then he says "we need therapy." He said he will do the work - whatever the therapist says. It's been 12 long years. I've tried hundreds of times to communicate. He won't listen to me but he'll listen to a "professional."
So get a "professional" to tell him the relationship is over. Take your power back & realize you cannot get back the years vested in something that is going nowhere (know it's time to throw in the towel. It's run it's course. It doesn't get any better from here. I know). "Buying" time is all they do (stalling, gaslighting). No more! I did 15 yrs & got nothing in the end but abuse in all forms (except sexual). Reclaim YOU.
I abandoned my needs, I was always supporting being there for my DA ex she constantly needed emotional support, while not being there for me. When her unhealthy patterns sabotaged the relationship, she came back after 2 weeks to then jump out of bed when I said you broke my heart & trust its made me feel unloved loved & unwanted. Further more not validating or taking accountability for the hurt she's caused. Not wanting to reassure or apologise for her short comings. To then play the victim on social media shows immaturity.
When I was early in my marriage, my husband told me i couldn't bring up his actions when he was yelling at me for my actions. Ihad to bring them up separately. I tried that. Once. Then he yelled at me for bringing it up when it wasn’t happening, and yelled at me for a few more hours. Fun times.
This sucks, even when im trying to just talk or soemthing my wife just oushes me away or finds something like me slightly raising my voice to just break apart the whole conversation
I'm currently in this situation with my mother. She has no interest in my feelings so I can't talk to her about them. I'd go no contact except that it upsets my daughter that my mother and I are at odds. Damned if I do, damned if I don't 🥺
I highly recommend reading the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s also available as an audio book if you prefer. I’m in a group for adults suffering from complex childhood PTSD, which’s where I learned about it, & how it’s helped & saved so many people from the constant anguish from dealing with emotionally immature parents.
Never had a romantic partner but this is how I feel about my family. And I feel bad for saying this, my inner voice telling me to stop lying. And I always listen to my inner voice when I'm with people irl.
Mind blowing 🔥 My life changes every time I watch a video. Just found your channel and have already consumed two hours of content in 3 days. Thank you so much 🥹
I needed this. We got in an argument but I stayed because it was COVID and I wanted to fix things. She yelled at me and went to bed. I stayed because I wanted to fix things, but when I started to heal and become close again, there would be another quip or something that brought me down. After the fight, I realized how many names she called me and she didn't stop when asked. She put me down in front of our friends. I told her what I wanted, but I felt dismissed. I ended up lashing out when we were in our first therapy session together and she left. She said she wanted space and to be together then found someone else. I waited because she said she needed space and I started to attack problems in myself to fix. I ended up apologizing 9 months later for lashing out. She didn't recognize anything she did wrong. On one hand I should have never lashed out and tried to fix myself sooner, but I wanted a second session if therapy and she didn't. I know what my faults were and she was understanding of some of them. I'm still trying to fix myself, but I don't think she's fixing hers. Her new boyfriend is much better than me, but he's a person I don't want to be. I hope the two of them can be happy, because I do believe she's a good person and she still shows the traits that I loved her for. Maybe if I had acted better or trained myself better for the relationship, it could have worked. It was my first, and I think your videos have shown me that I had more holes than I thought and there's more work I should have put in.
I'm with someone who thinks that words don't mean anything and actions are everything. I told him words matter to me but he can't accommodate me because it won't feel genuine to him. I get that but it's still hard to deal with. It would be nice to hear "I love you" or "I care about you" sometimes or any positive feedback regarding how he feels about me. It's easy for him to point out aspects I need to improve on. He says his actions should show how he feels about me and I should know. He genuinely is clueless as to why someone would need words. How do I deal with such a situation?
This is the most accurate description of my life right now. The shut down happens. I swear, he's NEVER engaged during any disagreement. Not being hyperbolic. Ok, 2 weeks ago, he showed a smidge of emotion that I've never seen before and said some things I liked to hear. It was all dust in the wind. He didn't hold his word on anything. Otherwise yeah, it's been a long and quiet many years. I used to yell and cry and say really mean things to try and elicit a response, emotion, words or anything. It never worked. I learned to be quiet. I am nothing like i used to be and in some ways that's really good. But 12 years did some damage. But i allowed it, for so long. I knew who he was. He showed me early on, he told me early on. Oy vey. How stupid can one person be? (Me, I mean me. He did nothing wrong but be exactly who he said he was.)
I can't talk to my husband when he is at work,on the road, when he comes home from work or before bed. If I push my feelings down and say nothing, he thinks we are getting along, but I'm just sad during these times. It's frustrating. He will stay up late for a football game, but not to have a conversation with me. I get it that it usually ends up in an argument because I bring up things from the past. I feel like I could move on from those things and they wouldn't pile up if he took accountability. Those wounds stay open. He will say, "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" Once. Once would be nice.
By reading alot of the comments, it shows how lazy men really are & these kind of men should not be involved in a marriage let alone a dating situation. There just out to worry about themselves & not grow. Yuck, I'm in a crappy situation also. Going on 22 years this coming March. I love my job, animals, home, but its been a rough marriage praying & hoping, writing letters bc it was easier to sit in silence & put my feelings down on paper. I cant count how many letters I wrote. Whats wrong with these men in this world, damg.
What if this all kept on happening with me but once I apologised and learned to ignore or be happy with it, detached a bit and regulate my emotions alone myself now things are all good? Hes changed and does everything for me. We are in a long distance relation. I just feel I am not me anymore but things are smooth now and he genuinely loves and cares for me. He does mention that all his reactions were because I said things at the wrong time or made him very worried etc. I do feel it was me sharing my feelings but somehow I cried alone and regulated them and said sorry, now don't bother with stress anymore. Can someone please help if I'll be the bad guy if I feel like not being in this relation anymore even if it's the best now? Idk what and how to share but guys please do help As a background he did take a lot of stand to get engaged to me. His mother wasn't willing so he had to and I supported him and waited but it's all because he took a stand for me and men in our culture don't. Also, he was not pro marraige but we dealth with it and he is now with me and we did plan our wedding this November but January now because he had to study etc. But this reaction thing is a lot so I've stopped sharing things or feelings that idk might not be as relevant or sound like me being ungrateful and I've started to live my life again. I'd rather go out with friends and have been now searching jobs and doing my clinis again. Left everything to support him before as he was struggling financially and emotionally etc due to toxic family. That's a bit of background. The relation is of 4 years but I don't cry anymore like I used to while I tried to portray my feelings only to get more hurt Someone similar? Help? I am just sobbing seeing this because I don't want to break someone's heart in our good times knowing I might be the ungrateful one but I've faced all this trying to explain and make him understand and now when he finally does I don't want to share anymore, I died inside every single time 😭😭
I'm not really an expert on this at all, but seeing how no one else replied I'm just gonna share my thoughts: First of all, make sure that if you are in a relationship with someone is because you really want to be with him, not because of pity (cause you said he was struggling and you supported him). And second you might think you learnt to deal with your feelings yourself and you might really believe that you're fine now, but in my own experience it's _possible_ that you've just convinced yourself that you're fine and if later you're not fine anymore the same problem might resurface. You say he finally understands now, but I don't see how you can be so sure of that when you said you're in a distance relation and you regulate your emotions alone. I guess what I'd try to do is really try to imagine realistically how I think the relationship will be in the future, and compare it to how it would be without him, and choose the one that makes me most happy. Not for him, but for myself.
It's not just "keeping score" he plays the tit for tat game and constantly dragging up the past (I'm guilty of it too being reactive impulsively due to having BPD, I'm a work in progress), but not just that but also holding all of my fuck ups over my head so i can never live them down in spite of ending old behaviors. Every step I take into improving myself is met with him trying to undermine my confidence and progress I've been working hard in therapy on. It's so insanely frustrating!
Yep. My partner does the same. It is like he is keeping a score. If I do something wrong while trying to tell him that I am concerned about things in our relationship, he lists all the things I've done. "No other man would be kind to you either after you have done A B C D E F G. Do you think they would be kind to you? I would not want to be like this but you have done all those things"
Men, and there are A LOT of them, who are in this situation are completely trapped. Escape means financial destruction and even worse, loss of access to their children. Women can profit from these situations because the court system via family laws are weighted heavily in their favor. Women, keep the above in mind when you are whining about how your feelings are being ignored and be thankful you are not in a man's shoes who is in the exact same situation. As bad as you think you have it, there is ALWAYS someone who wishes they were in your position.
The myth that the courts are always in the woman's favour is one that is peddled over and over again, but husbands that abuse and control are routinely believed over a wife/mother who is trying to keep a roof over the children's heads and the children safe and emotionally protected. Courts, faced with doctors' reports and emergency room reports, will still worry about alienation, and experts will disbelieve women over and over for no good reason. I would argue that calling women whining when they are raising issues about emotional neglect means you believe your pain is real, while theirs is not. I will say that if you have the kind of partner that Jimmy is describing, I very much understand how awful that is (no, I REALLY do), and I hope you get out the other side okay.
@@Walls2008 you obviously don't live in the west (Canada, US, Australia, Europe) if you believe family court laws aren't biased in favor of women. No statistics support that claim. In fact, women routinely profit from divorce which is why they initiate at least 70% of divorce filings. Women in western culture have been coddled and appeased for so long that many do not have a firm grasp on reality. They have no idea, (or even know to care most of the time) the daily struggles that many men face. Men can't even talk about it because other men are facing the same struggle as well so they don't have time for it. Women are too concerned with their petty grievances to even acknowledge it. So we (men) just keep our mouths shut and go on about life. So women, whenever you think your husband is too busy, or wrapped up in his hobbies too much....what he is probably doing is just quietly coping because he knows damn good and well attempting to discuss it with his spouse is futile.
@@dukelps9132 You sound exactly like the type of person Jimmy is describing. The petty grievances you mention, is a partner trying to feel heard, to feel understood, to feel supported and listened to. The 'hardened man' stereotype you mention is a man equally imprisoned in a system that insists he doesn't feel, or engage, or support. If a person has detached from an relationship so much that he is emotionally dead, then that relationship doesn't exist for him. He's going to face the same daily struggles whether he is in that relationship or not. So keeping a stoic facade is going to be his to-go response whether he is in that relationship or not; its not his wife's fault for mentioning in his mind a petty grievance. It is because his self image can't make room for feelings, connection or intimacy, for personal growth, and for mutual support. How lonely would a person have to be to reject those things? How are ya, duke?
@@Walls2008 I'll just go ahead and put this out there. The vast majority of the problem is western women. How do I know this? Because multiple guys I know, after failed marriages with the modern Western woman, met and married women from much more traditional eastern cultures and every single one of them brag about how great their wives are compared to the modern victim grievance mindset feminist they were married before. Of course the modern Western women detest this with their snarky "He's found him a door mat" nonsense. Sour grapes because they are single and he is not. They are in happy, loving fulfilling (for both) marriages with children. Each serves the other. None of this emasculating "men need to be more in touch with their emotions" and other hyper emotional nonsense. Just a simple two way loving fulfilling marriage like our grandparents enjoyed decades ago without all the modern feminist bull.
I am literally going through hell in my marriage right now. So much effort and sacrifice for someone who has never made a minimal effort for me. Wish strength to all people going through hard times
"You are always so negative" (invalidation) "you need to be grateful for the positive things" (toxic positivity and cognative dissonance) "even my family has commented on it" (triangulation) "you are why we cant move forward, quit living in the past!" (After being repeatedly stonewalled and no attempts at resolution, rendering the past the present)
This would cause any partner to feel like they are going crazy. Luckily you know this is wrong and you have terms to help you validate yourself. So many people don’t know how destructive these comments are :(
@@JimmyonRelationships I lived in a self blaming manic fog for probably better than 5 years. And it has taken me 5 years more to get to this place. Correcting poor nental health is like weight loss. It didn't go on in a day and it's not coming off in a day. Much like anything else in life it's the patterns that become paramount.
I had exactly the same thing told to me by my ex partner, I loved him to death, but I felt like a burden so much I had to end things. For him, and for myself.I am still in pain, but I wanted him to be happy and I wanted not. to feel like a failure.
Sounds like some projections right there🤔🙄😎
Exactly. And there are no good times anymore. I laid it out on the line and all I got was silence. Silence is an answer. So I'm moving on.
Good for you! Seriously, good for you- find your happiness!
It hurts right now
I’m in the same place. It does hurt, yes, but at the same time, I know I’m free for a better relationship to come along now.
So true!!! Nothing is worst than the feeling of loneliness while next to your so called partner, it's heartbreaking.
I am currently going through a divorce because of this. There was no good time to talk- he was tired after work, or he was just trying to relax during his day off, or his kids were with us, or I was being "crazy" again. He told me repeatedly for 17 years that problems would go away if we ignored them long enough and that the only issue in our relationship was me because I was "crazy." I am watching videos like this to make sure that if I ever decide to date again, I set boundaries early and have a good handle on how to cultivate a healthy relationship.
This is so true. I've been living this for 30 years.
Well now I’m sobbing at my kitchen table because that’s exactly what I’m going through
🙏🫶🏼😞❤️🩹
You're not alone.. so many people aren't being heard.. this is why they're so many divorces in America.. if you want to be with someone actually be with them.. so many fake people walking around pretending to be love..
You are not alone. God is always by your side 🙏 ❤
It’s the worst!!😭
How many times have I heard “now we can’t have a good weekend!” when I shared what I was thinking 😭
Thank you Jimmy for doing what you do.
I’m so sorry :(
Yes, I'm always "ruining" a weekend
Heard the same thing many times. "Thanks for ruining my day/weekend/evening." 😑
Closeness cannot exist in an environment of neglect. That right there is what I need to constantly remind myself
OMG this sums up my entire 10 year marriage (that is now over thankfully)
In Japan they have the concept of Kintsugi - mending broken pottery with gold. The theory is that by valuing and embracing the imperfections of something treasured something even more beautiful is made. The wisdom you share here makes me think of this concept. You've been on a long and difficult journey in your marriage that no doubt broke apart what existed before. The gold you channelled into the cracks is now so bright the world can see and appreciate it.
that is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.. What a wonderful and amazing thing!
"I"m sorry for ruining your weekend" in that tone. You know, that tone.
I’ve watched this a couple times already today. Completely correlates with my life right now and reassures me that I am making the right decision.
This is exactly my current life. Been dealing with this for years. But I'm so tired and hurt and stressed out. I have good days and bad days. What I mean by that is, some days I can put my pain and anger aside and it would seems like I'm happy and others the pain and anger rushes over me and i just sit and stare out of a window or cry. But I can't always talk about my feelings to him without an argument starting. I literally have to build myself up to a conversation about the hurt I'm feelings I know there will be a fight. So when I finally do, he will sigh roll his eyes get defensive and say what did I do now? We were having a good day today, you were ok this morning before I left. I have tried, but I'm tired now. I'm so exhausted being sad angry and lonely 😢I think I'm just scared to start over. Been with him for 16 years. I know I have to move on, just hard to do it😢
Man oh man I needed this video when I was 18. I endured it for 28 years. 😕
Me too 😢
Yes! My “partner” would threaten to or leave when I would bring up issues, and say “I don’t want you yelling at me” or something along those lines. My complaints were very valid, and due to neglect and the burden of the relationship being one-sided.
Using 'avoidance' to control. Take back your power. You are in a 1-sided relationship anyway so move on (& do less laundry & cook less food). This person is just an albatross around your neck. (Dead weight around the neck only causes one to sink).
True. The real truth is that I don’t feel safe.
Thank you for this, Jimmy. While there was no internet when i went thru this (& the abused women around me were silent), i am out of that marriage. (It was long & lonely road to "peace" but much better off). Peace & my life are priceless.
You’re doing the Lord’s work friend! Well said 👏🏻
Great video! Love the 4 steps of self reflection, accountability, apologize and repair. ❤
I was having a partner that always avoid talking about hard stuff. If I try to bring it up he will try to find another topic or simply said “dont think about it”. Even on our last day together, he don’t bother try to ask about what I feel, he simply avoid talking about it as he want everything to be alright by itself. He was actually a nice person, but the emotinal burden that I was always trying to manage is so painful to me so I finally decide to leave. Even when I leave he blame it to me said that I’m cheating on him. I don’t understand why this kind of person never think inside to solve a problem.
I love these videos.. they are long enough to carry a heavy 👊 punch in the gut.. but short enough for me to keep coming back for more.. thanks..😊
It's like you have lived in my home and witnessed everything and are speaking directly to me. Thank you so much for your videos. You are truly an amazing human. ❤ I come to your videos when I'm at my weakest, and you give my heart strength enough to keep going. Thank you.
A love letter from a person who had put in the hard work.
I met someone whom I grew to love. The next lesson I seemed to have to learn though, was that even though you love someone, they must love you in return. Sounds simple, even logical? Well, as a helpful, nurturing, teaching, caring person, I stepped in and tried to help them work out whether they loved me or not. This single action backtracked all that work and I went back to being emotionally unstable, confused, weak (instead of the confidence I had) and doubting my lovability.
I encourage everyone to love from a distance. As a Christian, this means prayerful life for me. It also means kindness, respect and helpfulness when it is time and opportunities arise. We hear the concept of common sense right, and how some people are born with it and others are not? I am not sure how one measures what is common or not but look -- the abilities I am speaking about here are taught as if they should be inbuilt and already known. But the fact of the matter is, some of us don't actually KNOW (experientially and practically, rather than solely theoretical) that love can not be manufactured or birthed from debate, persuasion or even by example. No, the pouring out of more love will not beget their love for you.
Being who you were, returning there, loving them but letting them go because you love them (because you want them to be happy, to make a convinced and full choice, to always be such a rollercoaster) is you being you and them being them. We can only win these kinds of debates with matters of math, and science, where the things are seen. But when it comes to love, it is mostly the unseen. It deals with so much of your being, all three actually, whereas evidence is only perception, critical thinking, and a couple of other things. To be able to love, and want to, requires an ability to be selfless, happy in life, fulfilled, and emotionally stable -- I don't even know why I am making a list but it is almost endless.
In my personal situation, I believe I can see potential -- the wonderful potential of teamwork, common goals, common values, shared interests, differences that complement one another, and an understanding of each other's families (because of the personal experiences in our own) and families can be tough. There is some attraction, albeit not on fire but for some people, the universe needs to collide, loyalty and stackability through the tough times, conservative and traditional values and the list goes on. As someone who has waited for this before dating someone, to marry them, trust me when I say I understand how tough it can be when you both love and believe there is something of worth there. But love and commitment can not be persuaded into someone.
And so, the first step in deserving someone who cares is accepting that you can not manufacture an ability to love, and strengthening that letting go muscle. If they are not ready to both see and honestly process a list like the one above, then you don't want to be with them. Let them realise it on their own, if they do because that will make the love that follows all the more beautiful.
If it does follow. It may not. That is OK too. Because, as the video says, you deserve someone who cares.
Singleness is far greater than any alternative.
Ugh this hits so hard. I need to watch this and think because it feels like it is a message I need to hear. My partner says my pain matters and they get mad when I say it doesn't matter to them. But my pain is never enough for them to act, so how does it actually matter. Lip Service.
This is exactly what I needed to hear first thing this morning! Thank you!
This coming up today an hour before our couples counseling was some universe speaking to me stuff.
Get this nail a bandage, will ya? - because you just HIT IT on the head.
I live with ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’ It is *never* the right time to talk about anything of substance. 😣
20 years and you realize you've never been anything more than this person's guard dog.
Hang in there. I am also going through this and trying to heal
Well, my husband just laid down next to me and I started listening to this and he got up and left.
Exactly. Won't read a book or watch a video. Think he listens when I talk? No, of course not.
Moving out. I'm physically ill just from dealing with this BS
Irritated them demons😂
"You always ruin our good time!"
Oh yah, "our" good time, definitely together
Thanks!
When I do bring up my feelings , I am dissmissed , he doesn’t care if I’m triggered I’m just being crazy
that's uncanny, it's as if you described the relationship i just got out of. thank you for the validation. i really needed it ❤
Same honestly
You are like a father to me, because I never got such lessons
Yeah.... Everytime I try to talk about how I feel, he says now it's not the time and he doesn't want to talk about it. When I ask him when, he says he doesn't know.
When he gaslights me and I get angry, then he says "we need therapy." He said he will do the work - whatever the therapist says. It's been 12 long years. I've tried hundreds of times to communicate. He won't listen to me but he'll listen to a "professional."
So get a "professional" to tell him the relationship is over. Take your power back & realize you cannot get back the years vested in something that is going nowhere (know it's time to throw in the towel. It's run it's course. It doesn't get any better from here. I know). "Buying" time is all they do (stalling, gaslighting). No more! I did 15 yrs & got nothing in the end but abuse in all forms (except sexual). Reclaim YOU.
Beautifully said
I abandoned my needs, I was always supporting being there for my DA ex she constantly needed emotional support, while not being there for me. When her unhealthy patterns sabotaged the relationship, she came back after 2 weeks to then jump out of bed when I said you broke my heart & trust its made me feel unloved loved & unwanted. Further more not validating or taking accountability for the hurt she's caused. Not wanting to reassure or apologise for her short comings. To then play the victim on social media shows immaturity.
Thank you Jimmy ❤️ wholeheartedly! ❤️
You're THE MAN Jimmy!
When I was early in my marriage, my husband told me i couldn't bring up his actions when he was yelling at me for my actions. Ihad to bring them up separately.
I tried that. Once.
Then he yelled at me for bringing it up when it wasn’t happening, and yelled at me for a few more hours.
Fun times.
This is so powerful. Thank you.
This sucks, even when im trying to just talk or soemthing my wife just oushes me away or finds something like me slightly raising my voice to just break apart the whole conversation
Absolutely on point. I needed to remember why, thank you for this ☝️💙
I needed to hear this so badly. Thanks Jimmy
I'm currently in this situation with my mother. She has no interest in my feelings so I can't talk to her about them. I'd go no contact except that it upsets my daughter that my mother and I are at odds. Damned if I do, damned if I don't 🥺
I highly recommend reading the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s also available as an audio book if you prefer.
I’m in a group for adults suffering from complex childhood PTSD, which’s where I learned about it, & how it’s helped & saved so many people from the constant anguish from dealing with emotionally immature parents.
@@casey2401 thank you, I will!
Jimmy is the relationship hero Gotham needs and ALSO deserves 😎
Wow, spot on!
Never had a romantic partner but this is how I feel about my family. And I feel bad for saying this, my inner voice telling me to stop lying. And I always listen to my inner voice when I'm with people irl.
This is for any relationship too. I feel this way around my family all the time.
Perfectly right on! Thanks!
Thank you for this video. Amazing clarification and validation.
Clarity in a crazy making situation ❤
Mind blowing 🔥
My life changes every time I watch a video. Just found your channel and have already consumed two hours of content in 3 days. Thank you so much 🥹
Tha is trud My bad decisions I miss that person
I needed this. We got in an argument but I stayed because it was COVID and I wanted to fix things. She yelled at me and went to bed. I stayed because I wanted to fix things, but when I started to heal and become close again, there would be another quip or something that brought me down. After the fight, I realized how many names she called me and she didn't stop when asked. She put me down in front of our friends. I told her what I wanted, but I felt dismissed. I ended up lashing out when we were in our first therapy session together and she left. She said she wanted space and to be together then found someone else. I waited because she said she needed space and I started to attack problems in myself to fix. I ended up apologizing 9 months later for lashing out. She didn't recognize anything she did wrong. On one hand I should have never lashed out and tried to fix myself sooner, but I wanted a second session if therapy and she didn't. I know what my faults were and she was understanding of some of them. I'm still trying to fix myself, but I don't think she's fixing hers. Her new boyfriend is much better than me, but he's a person I don't want to be. I hope the two of them can be happy, because I do believe she's a good person and she still shows the traits that I loved her for. Maybe if I had acted better or trained myself better for the relationship, it could have worked. It was my first, and I think your videos have shown me that I had more holes than I thought and there's more work I should have put in.
Exactly!
I'm with someone who thinks that words don't mean anything and actions are everything. I told him words matter to me but he can't accommodate me because it won't feel genuine to him. I get that but it's still hard to deal with. It would be nice to hear "I love you" or "I care about you" sometimes or any positive feedback regarding how he feels about me. It's easy for him to point out aspects I need to improve on. He says his actions should show how he feels about me and I should know. He genuinely is clueless as to why someone would need words. How do I deal with such a situation?
My partner called me a narcissist because I told I would love to have more words of affirmations.
@you-vi2tm wow that's crazy. I'm sorry that was the response you got. 😔
Bless you ❤
“Neglect” oh.
Wow, that last line 😮
I ask myself this all the time
Ouch. Hits home
Thank you❤
This is the most accurate description of my life right now.
The shut down happens. I swear, he's NEVER engaged during any disagreement. Not being hyperbolic. Ok, 2 weeks ago, he showed a smidge of emotion that I've never seen before and said some things I liked to hear.
It was all dust in the wind.
He didn't hold his word on anything.
Otherwise yeah, it's been a long and quiet many years.
I used to yell and cry and say really mean things to try and elicit a response, emotion, words or anything. It never worked.
I learned to be quiet. I am nothing like i used to be and in some ways that's really good.
But 12 years did some damage. But i allowed it, for so long. I knew who he was. He showed me early on, he told me early on.
Oy vey. How stupid can one person be? (Me, I mean me. He did nothing wrong but be exactly who he said he was.)
"I knew who he was. He showed me early on.."
So true. So true.
Wow spot on. What do you do when that person is your beloved sister? :/
Still set vour boundaries and Bex willing to walk away when she breaks them
Thank you for this video
This means alot!!
I can't talk to my husband when he is at work,on the road, when he comes home from work or before bed. If I push my feelings down and say nothing, he thinks we are getting along, but I'm just sad during these times. It's frustrating. He will stay up late for a football game, but not to have a conversation with me. I get it that it usually ends up in an argument because I bring up things from the past. I feel like I could move on from those things and they wouldn't pile up if he took accountability. Those wounds stay open. He will say, "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" Once. Once would be nice.
By reading alot of the comments, it shows how lazy men really are & these kind of men should not be involved in a marriage let alone a dating situation. There just out to worry about themselves & not grow. Yuck, I'm in a crappy situation also. Going on 22 years this coming March. I love my job, animals, home, but its been a rough marriage praying & hoping, writing letters bc it was easier to sit in silence & put my feelings down on paper. I cant count how many letters I wrote. Whats wrong with these men in this world, damg.
How do you rebuild trust after someone has an affair?
I’m going to do more content on this, but it’s very complex as you can imagine :(
@@JimmyonRelationships I would really appreciate lots of content on rebuilding trust. And rebuilding passion.
Jimmy you are so amazing. Thank you. You tell both sides. What do you do when this is your adult child???
What if this all kept on happening with me but once I apologised and learned to ignore or be happy with it, detached a bit and regulate my emotions alone myself now things are all good? Hes changed and does everything for me. We are in a long distance relation. I just feel I am not me anymore but things are smooth now and he genuinely loves and cares for me. He does mention that all his reactions were because I said things at the wrong time or made him very worried etc. I do feel it was me sharing my feelings but somehow I cried alone and regulated them and said sorry, now don't bother with stress anymore. Can someone please help if I'll be the bad guy if I feel like not being in this relation anymore even if it's the best now? Idk what and how to share but guys please do help
As a background he did take a lot of stand to get engaged to me. His mother wasn't willing so he had to and I supported him and waited but it's all because he took a stand for me and men in our culture don't. Also, he was not pro marraige but we dealth with it and he is now with me and we did plan our wedding this November but January now because he had to study etc. But this reaction thing is a lot so I've stopped sharing things or feelings that idk might not be as relevant or sound like me being ungrateful and I've started to live my life again. I'd rather go out with friends and have been now searching jobs and doing my clinis again. Left everything to support him before as he was struggling financially and emotionally etc due to toxic family. That's a bit of background. The relation is of 4 years but I don't cry anymore like I used to while I tried to portray my feelings only to get more hurt
Someone similar? Help? I am just sobbing seeing this because I don't want to break someone's heart in our good times knowing I might be the ungrateful one but I've faced all this trying to explain and make him understand and now when he finally does I don't want to share anymore, I died inside every single time 😭😭
I'm not really an expert on this at all, but seeing how no one else replied I'm just gonna share my thoughts: First of all, make sure that if you are in a relationship with someone is because you really want to be with him, not because of pity (cause you said he was struggling and you supported him). And second you might think you learnt to deal with your feelings yourself and you might really believe that you're fine now, but in my own experience it's _possible_ that you've just convinced yourself that you're fine and if later you're not fine anymore the same problem might resurface. You say he finally understands now, but I don't see how you can be so sure of that when you said you're in a distance relation and you regulate your emotions alone. I guess what I'd try to do is really try to imagine realistically how I think the relationship will be in the future, and compare it to how it would be without him, and choose the one that makes me most happy. Not for him, but for myself.
He does not love you
He loves that you love him.
Amen
Now the question is to share this with our person or not to share it with them?
And still, I feel bad for relating to this. I'd be told I'm narcissistic or seeking attention if I shared it.
😢 not ok
The first 2 statements, man...😢
How do you deal with this in a marriage?
My ex got me pregnant then called me too emotional 🙄
🤦♂️
Holy crap... 🥹
So this basically gives me the language to describe exactly why I left. Thank you.
I’m just getting out of a relationship like this …. Sigh 😔
#relationshipwithanarcissist
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
JP😢
It's not just "keeping score" he plays the tit for tat game and constantly dragging up the past (I'm guilty of it too being reactive impulsively due to having BPD, I'm a work in progress), but not just that but also holding all of my fuck ups over my head so i can never live them down in spite of ending old behaviors. Every step I take into improving myself is met with him trying to undermine my confidence and progress I've been working hard in therapy on. It's so insanely frustrating!
Yep. My partner does the same. It is like he is keeping a score. If I do something wrong while trying to tell him that I am concerned about things in our relationship, he lists all the things I've done. "No other man would be kind to you either after you have done A B C D E F G. Do you think they would be kind to you? I would not want to be like this but you have done all those things"
Is there a way for me to, “ 2 thumbs up” this?!?!?!
Men, and there are A LOT of them, who are in this situation are completely trapped. Escape means financial destruction and even worse, loss of access to their children.
Women can profit from these situations because the court system via family laws are weighted heavily in their favor.
Women, keep the above in mind when you are whining about how your feelings are being ignored and be thankful you are not in a man's shoes who is in the exact same situation.
As bad as you think you have it, there is ALWAYS someone who wishes they were in your position.
The myth that the courts are always in the woman's favour is one that is peddled over and over again, but husbands that abuse and control are routinely believed over a wife/mother who is trying to keep a roof over the children's heads and the children safe and emotionally protected. Courts, faced with doctors' reports and emergency room reports, will still worry about alienation, and experts will disbelieve women over and over for no good reason.
I would argue that calling women whining when they are raising issues about emotional neglect means you believe your pain is real, while theirs is not. I will say that if you have the kind of partner that Jimmy is describing, I very much understand how awful that is (no, I REALLY do), and I hope you get out the other side okay.
@@Walls2008 you obviously don't live in the west (Canada, US, Australia, Europe) if you believe family court laws aren't biased in favor of women.
No statistics support that claim. In fact, women routinely profit from divorce which is why they initiate at least 70% of divorce filings.
Women in western culture have been coddled and appeased for so long that many do not have a firm grasp on reality. They have no idea, (or even know to care most of the time) the daily struggles that many men face. Men can't even talk about it because other men are facing the same struggle as well so they don't have time for it. Women are too concerned with their petty grievances to even acknowledge it. So we (men) just keep our mouths shut and go on about life.
So women, whenever you think your husband is too busy, or wrapped up in his hobbies too much....what he is probably doing is just quietly coping because he knows damn good and well attempting to discuss it with his spouse is futile.
@@dukelps9132 You sound exactly like the type of person Jimmy is describing. The petty grievances you mention, is a partner trying to feel heard, to feel understood, to feel supported and listened to. The 'hardened man' stereotype you mention is a man equally imprisoned in a system that insists he doesn't feel, or engage, or support. If a person has detached from an relationship so much that he is emotionally dead, then that relationship doesn't exist for him. He's going to face the same daily struggles whether he is in that relationship or not. So keeping a stoic facade is going to be his to-go response whether he is in that relationship or not; its not his wife's fault for mentioning in his mind a petty grievance. It is because his self image can't make room for feelings, connection or intimacy, for personal growth, and for mutual support.
How lonely would a person have to be to reject those things? How are ya, duke?
@@Walls2008You are completely disconnected from the realities of western family law. Massive understatement. I speak from experience.
@@Walls2008 I'll just go ahead and put this out there.
The vast majority of the problem is western women. How do I know this? Because multiple guys I know, after failed marriages with the modern Western woman, met and married women from much more traditional eastern cultures and every single one of them brag about how great their wives are compared to the modern victim grievance mindset feminist they were married before. Of course the modern Western women detest this with their snarky "He's found him a door mat" nonsense. Sour grapes because they are single and he is not. They are in happy, loving fulfilling (for both) marriages with children. Each serves the other. None of this emasculating "men need to be more in touch with their emotions" and other hyper emotional nonsense.
Just a simple two way loving fulfilling marriage like our grandparents enjoyed decades ago without all the modern feminist bull.