Vivumbra The truth is what she needs, and the truth is what she got. Seriously, She needs to grow a fucking spine and see how lucky she is to even exist. Silly bitch.
+The Devil that is ridiculous, also depression does not care about your situation it just happens. Would you react the same if it was your best friend?
do you know how mean you are sounding? No, she doesn't have a terminal illness that will cause her to die very soon. But that's not the only problem in the world. It's bigger yes but the children that are in hospitals dying could of had brilliant lives before that, no I'm not saying that it's going to be fine to die early if you had a brilliant life before that, I'm saying that having horribleness thrusted upon you when you have a good life, which is still terrible but in my opinion is better than feeling so bad that you force it upon yourself
it makes me sad how nonchalantly you talk about your mother being so mean to you. I hope your life is easier now or at least you feel better. you seem like a smart person and so genuinely nice. I hope you find people who appreciate you for those and other of your good qualities as well as 'flaws.'
I did this as a teenager for depression and anxiety. Don't need it anymore, but I understand when people do. You're quite brave for talking about this for so long. Respect.
This video is one of the very rare videos on youtube that I can connect with. I am in a place right now where my mind is not 100%. I have struggled with self harm for not that long but I want to thank you for making this video because I know that this video is helping a lot of people everywhere so thank you ms. Boleyn :)
I just wanted to say that your voice is the most soothing and soft and comforting thing I have heard in a long time. I love your videos and I really hope that you will get better and your situation will change for the better.
you make me feel normal and comfortable in my skin. thank you for sharing this video it has helped me loads, well done for stay clean and I really hope you carry on
I was bawling my eyes out while watching this... Claudia I am so proud of you, I'm really really wishing that your recovery goes well. You have gone through so much, but you still keep your head up high and smile, you are truly, truly brave and I hope you get even better
I just want to give you a big hug. Mainly to thank you for being so open about this extremely sensitive and stigmatized topic. It means a lot to me because I have also self-harmed in the past. I relate a lot to the reason why that you described, the feeling you need to express these awfully strong feelings (often anger) but can't without making things worse/hurting other people and just taking it out on yourself instead. There were also issues in my life that I DID speak up about after a long time of gathering courage, but no one wanted to really listen to me when I did. I felt silenced and trivialized and that's what led me to self-harm as well. I still feel this way often but try to not give in to the urge and I've been successful for quite a long time (also because I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't do it anymore since it upset him a lot (he also has mental health issues of his own) and while that may not be the best reason to stop, it has been working). You're truly brave for talking so openly about it. Thank you.
Your face lit up when you talked about scribbling and writing on sheets of paper. Maybe you could try it again if you are feeling angry or upset, but in a book or something so that it's more private :)
Claudia, I really love this video. I actually got to it because I was trying to find a video talking about how to deal with the horrible itching that happens when the cuts are healing. I just recently self-harmed for the first time a few days ago. I'm nineteen. I was drunk and I just felt so much that I couldn't express and I also just felt really unsatisfied with my life and wanted to feel something. I'm confident that I won't do it again but it was really nice to watch your video because you really comforted me. I do feel a little ashamed that I did it and am worried that the cuts on my arm will leave scars and you really helped me not feel so ashamed about it. I really appreciate you making this video. I am lucky enough to be able to talk to my mom and ex boyfriend about a lot of things and I am really appreciative of that. I am really sorry that you haven't been able to get the support you needed but I am so proud of you for finding the strength in yourself to keep on going even when you had no one to turn to. You are also really beautiful and I am American and am jealous of your accent and find it really pretty and nice to listen to. Thank you so much for making this video and I wish the best for you and hope you continue to progress in your recovery as you have been. Love, Emily
I relate to you so much! Especially for the 'why i self harm' answer. I also had a kinda similar 'parent finding out' experience. Hang in there and great job on finding positive coping skills!
im so glad that you're doing this. Im 6 days clean today and its been depressing me. It makes me want to cry when you say that you love and respect me and that im strong for still being here. ive tried ending my own life before and it makes me feel very weak. Again im glad that you're doing this and i hope that more people will see that this video is something to hold on to and keep and watch and learn from.
I am so sorry for everything you went through and are going through. Thank you for making this video n you'll always be a hero of mine x love you a lot
You are the most precious human being ever and I can really relate with some of the parent stuff. But I've been clean for almost a year and have never been happier :D
You are an incredible and strong person, and I admire you so much for that. Even though I never self harmed I did had the urge to, and really really almost did so. Thank you so much for doing this video, because it is giving me strength to keep away from self harm and obviously help people who are going through it. I'm terrible sorry about your family's reaction, and the fact that you kept loving them so much after all that is admirable. (But still, their reactions were not okay.) Good luck with your recovery, and the same goes to everyone else who's also in recovery!
This video still has me in tears ten minutes after watching. You have a wonderful way of articulating what I've tried to say many times for many years. I had gone two years and had a recent relapse. Several of your videos have helped me in my personal struggle. I applaud you, and Thank you!
If your goal was to help one person, you've been doing that for a while. I really wish I'd had this when I was going through my worst, since I had some similar family stuff as you did. I've been trying to think of how to explain how much having videos like these means to me, but some of the stuff you said about your experiences makes me think you already know.
My favorite video of yours so far. So much of this I can relate to and as cheesy as it sounds I don't feel so alone right now. I've been in recovery for 6 years now and I still relapse. Although they're becoming further apart and less severe, they still happen and I don't count on it 100% going away (as much as I would like it to) I do what I can to cope and am getting better at it over time. Some advice to anyone struggling, it's ultimately up to you to get better. You can have all the support in the world, but no one can make you stop no matter how much they try. It's your choice to begin your road to recovery, and I hope you chose to take that path. Now, to make things clear, I am not saying it's all your fault because you self harmed. What I am saying is, you cannot and will not recover if you do not want to recover. (To anyone who thinks like me, yes, I am aware that's not exclusive to self harm.)
#3 has been very helpful to keep me from self harming. I truly appreciate what you're doing here. You are helping people. This is all very brave of you.
Thank you. I know this is over a year old, so i dont know if you still see the comments, (i have no idea how that works, im not youtube savvy lol) but i just found your videos and really. thank you. the thumb thing and the analogy of the animal in the trap, are how i started and an analogy ive used that ive never heard from anyone else before so that struck me. I'm 30 and ive been doing this off and on since i was 11 (actively, but with other signs of it when i was younger). i stopped for 2 years at one point, i reached a point now where i still occasionally do it but it no longer "works" which i guess is good, but somewhat distressing. anyway, the last part actually had me near tears. ive been struggling lately and have stopped talking to people and withdrawn a lot. and sort of forgotten how to be honest about how im feeling (im trying to open up again.) you seem like a wonderful person and i hope you find/have found someone you can talk to (i havent seen any more recent viedos yet so i dont know) and find your peace and are able to heal. so.. thanks for making me feel like you care, that someone cares, even though you really have no idea i exist
Thank you so much for making this video. I discovered you through your videos on bisexuality, and found that that is not the only thing we have in common. I'm actually really guilty about when I self harmed because I actually really did do it partly to get some attention. I did it for other reasons too, obviously, but this reason always made me feel like a manipulative asshole, which made me want to cut even more. I just wanted someone to acknowledge that things are not okay. That I'm not ok, but I couldn't bare to tell anyone. I too mainly used to cut because I didn't know how to express my anger to people I cared about. While my dad expresses his anger by yelling at others, I just can't seem to express it to others without feeling immediately wrong with being angry afterwards, so I take out my frustrations on myself. I wish I never tried to physically self harm, because now the option will always be in my head when things become too overwhelming. I too was in that situation where my dad kicked me out of the house when I was at my weakest. He wants me to defend myself, to be a man, but all I can do is curl into a little ball and try to soothe myself because I have a sensitive temperament. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me. I just need to find a way to cope, and threatening me only makes things worse, it doesn't make me tougher. But things are kind of better. It's been a while since I last cut, and luckily I didn't do much damage overall. My parents are trying to be supportive, and I know they love me. Talking to my sister helps a lot. God, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I think I just stopped caring. I shouldn't be so public about these things. No one should.... But I'm glad you were open about this because it makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you
I have had depression for a few years, longest of my life. I often would reach a point of self harming, but never actually do it and I think the reason to that was my family. They never knew it was actually really bad or anything more than me being sad, but I knew if I went to them I'd get some kind of support and it kept me from self harming. I have only pretty recently realized that that was actually depression, because I remember putting myself down all the time, abusing myself verbally with things like 'you have a decent life you have no right to feel this way it's disgusting' amongst many others. What would help me were long and extremely hot showers. I would turn it all the way up and sit underneath the shower head for a long time and my skin would turn red and achy from the heat but instead of filling my head with thoughts it usually went the other way around and calmed me. I think that the heat helped as well. I also would sometimes turn, as Claudia mentioned, to books, specifically Harry Potter and just open whichever page of whichever book and read a little. It's just... Since I've never actually properly self harmed I can't speak for you, but for me it got better, I climbed out and now when I'm down 97% of it is just sadness, but not the overwhelming emptiness and apathy.
Thank you so much for this video. :) I'm someone 8 years into the recovery process and still relapsing, and it's really encouraging to be reminded that that doesn't make me weak. And I also find drawing on myself very helpful! I always used sharpies, actually, and wrote poetry, the more long-lasting the better. Many people in my environment have given me the strangest looks for it, and it's nice to know I'm not alone in that activity. :) Thanks again! I consider you a very encouraging person, what with all that you've been through, and this video really helped me.
I am in a very dark place at the moment (and have been many times throughout my life). Self-harming has been on my mind a lot lately, but I have been doing my best to hold back. Thank you so much for doing this video. I really needed to hear these things and I simply cannot express how helpful you've been. I am in tears after watching your video, but I don't believe they are necessarily tears of sadness... more like tears of relief. We all know that there are fellow self-harming people out there, but actually hearing someone honestly and genuinely talk about it is comforting. I imagine you will receive heaps of comments, but if you do read this, please know that you did help me a lot and I appreciate it immensely. You are a strong and beautiful woman, and you deserve to be treated as such. xxx
ive been in a pretty bad mental state recently and i really did need this video, and im sure a lot of other people did too, so i want to sincerely thank you, you're incredibly brave.
This video makes me feel a lot better! Thank you, hearing someone be so totally honest about how they felt during those vulnerable times make me feel like I'm not alone, since I can relate to some of the things you felt. Thank you, Claudia! :)
I only started watching you today, but everything I've seen so far has been really inspirational. I have taken everything you said very seriously and I really hope you feel better and get better. My own thing I do is create a character and draw them doing it instead of on my real body. I just focus on my friends and family much more then I've ever paid attention to myself.
I think it was incredibly brave of you to speak about such personal experiences on a platform like this for total strangers to hear. You've obviously been through a lot and your willingness to share your perspective to help other people is something I really admire. Thank you for this video and as someone else has said, thank you for captioning it for those that would be unable to hear your story otherwise. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for going two months without hurting yourself. Hopefully sometime soon you'll find someone you're able to talk to about it, that you can reach out to when you feel like cutting like I did.
Thank you, Claudia, for your tremendous intelligence and sensitivity on this subject. I understand you completely and I'm truly sorry for the pain and trauma you have suffered and that you continue to suffer. Hopefully you can take a little bit of comfort in knowing that there are people out here who truly get what you're going through and appreciate your words.
Thank you for taking about that pain and anger. I don't know why, but people blame the victims. It is not your fault. You are just in pain and you need love and support. Thank you. You are wonderful person.
I have the same problem with anger causing self harm. I'm a very quiet and 'nice' person, I never learned to "be angry" and at this point I just take everything people throw at me and the only way to get them out is cutting them out And feelings like disgust and fustration and anxiety and disappointment and fears and shame and loneliness and pretty much every negative emotion
i never thought ide find it, but here i am, at the top of youtube. thank you so much for having the audacity to post such a helpful, supportive and self revealing video. good luck on your troubles and if you ever need to talk, you have a full comment section here ready to help.
The things that my family says to say, the things they accuse me of, the things that they deny -- it all really really hurts me and makes me feel like I am living in some bizarro world where the truth should be hidden and we should all tolerate shit and there are no laws to protect people from hurting others and we should just pretend everything is okay. Oh my. I have obviously not met you, but the way you are talking in this video -- I feel like you are the first person I "met" you shares my feelings and understands that it hurts so much more when it comes from family.
I am glad to see that an important video like this has captions for deaf people to understand also. Thank you for making this resource for the community. Although I haven't done self harming myself, I know people who have dealt with this issue and plan to share it with my Tumblr followers.
I'm not a self harmer In the traditional sense (like cutting) but some of what you said really resonates with me. I started smoking so that I could get some control over my life but also because it calms my panick attacks. Thank you for making this video, I apreciate you talking about these topics knowing that I can relate to someone out there. Much love and support!
You have helped me so much. I appreciate your strength for sharing with me. My granddaughter is in treatment now. She is strong and she is loved. Thank you so much.
Is that a Who(TARDIS)ology book I see behind you? Doctor Who is life. I really appreciate this video. I'm so glad things with your father are at a stage where, after many years, you talk again. I'm very happy for you that you got there on time. Divorces suck and like you say, you absorb stuff from families at war and for some, by the time you've realised what's going on, it's too late to reconcile things. :( It's really useful to watch this video, as I know for a fact mother wouldn't get anything I'm going through with feeling extremely low etc. I bet father would... I really miss him. Anyway, on the phone lines front, they don't always hep. They just listen but offer no solution but that might help for some people.
You're so brave for making this video it can't have been easy talking about such a sensitive and personal topic. I have so much respect for you. Stay strong Claudia :)
My School actually rang my Mum up too, but I'm ashamed and guilty of lying to my Mum and convincing her it was something else and that I was not cutting myself, purely because I couldn't stand the overbearing attention she gave me. She even came into my room that night and sat next to my bed and cried because she couldn't cope with the thought of what I was doing and called it "stupid". It's been almost a year since then, and I originally threw away my "instrument", but I ended up desperately searching for another, so nothing's changed. I feel so stupid for lying, but her reaction made it worse. I don't have anyone else to fall back on for support either.
Keep strong women. I've never self harmed even though when I was younger I thought my life was so bad. But now I see life in a much better way and I hope you keep strong. Great video!
To be honest I only watched the first 5 minutes of this video. Considering your mum tried to kick you out and verbally attacked you when she found out you were self harming leaves me to believe she is a very toxic person and you'd probably be better off getting as far away from her as possible, IMO.
Thank you. Thank you for breaking the silence about self harm. I self harm as a way of coping, but I am never allowed to talk about it. So thank you for talking about it. .We need to talk about how it is experienced for different individuals. I don't believe talking about self harms makes others self harm . . . it makes self harmers feel less alone and thus less likely to hurt them selves, so thank you thank you thank you (right now I'm trying to work out how I can also speak out without endangering my job, so you are way braver than me, and I thank you.)
I don't know how young I was. Probably somewhere between 3 and 5. I'm on the autism spectrum, so it's not that surprising. I would get upset and frustrated and channel it on the most acceptable target: myself. For me it was mostly hitting and biting. It stopped for a while after my parents made me tell my pastor what happened (he noticed the bite marks, and you know, pastors are mandatory reporters for child abuse, so...) but started back up in middle school, along with occasional scratching, hair pulling, and jumping hard enough to jar my legs. In high school and college, it switched to mostly hitting and choking. I'd also occasionally get more violent urges (stabbing myself, slamming my head in the door, inducing vomiting, etc.) but my self-preservation instinct was enough that I wouldn't act on those, though if I was alone, I'd sometimes pantomime them. I haven't had much trouble for a while. Taking some time off to regroup and get meds and therapy going strong has really helped. But I'm sure it would only take the right trigger to start up again.
Love and hugs! I know what it's like to have a bad home life like you and many others do. I hope one day you can get yourself away from that and into a more positive space :)
You're so wonderful Claudia and I am so proud of you. I've had some really close friends to me did it and a lot of this struck home, so thank you for making this and I am so happy that you've made it two whole months.
what happened to me sounds really similar to your situation. My parents were the reason but they'll never know what i do or why i do it because i love them too much. It started out of pure anger and depression and it still is sometimes. I have never told anyone but friends and i dealt with it alone and still do. I write things down on paper and on myself to cope. Listening to you was like listening to myself honestly. So, thank you for this video. You are a strong and beautiful girl and you are most definitely not alone in how you feel.
Florence + the Machine have been a really important band for me to, I used to listen to the acoustic version of heartlines almost every day before I came out to my parents and then came out to them when I saw her sing it on tour. this is an incredibly brave and important video and I have so much respect for you
I'm so glad I came across your videos. I was feeling particularly down and confused today but your videos helped me understand what I'm going through a little more.
Thank you so much for this video Claudia. You are such a strong person and you have been through a lot. As a person who used to cut (I don't anymore), it is very hard and I wished that I had watched this video 5 years ago when I was cutting in January 2012. But you can get through this. It's hard but you will.
your videos are very helpful to me, just listening to what you have to say about these things somehow makes me feel much better, and i appreciate it so much. i can relate to a lot of the stuff you say and it makes me feel like i am not actually alone. anyways, just thank you so much for making your videos
Wow, your first question hit me hard. I was exactly the same at roughly the same age!! I used safety pins and nail files to scratch over and over again until I bled (rather than cutting deep the first time). However starvation was my main form of self harm. For a long time I didn't even know this was classified as self harm. Once a girl told me I wasnt actually self harming because I didnt "really cut". Funny thing was, I was addicted to the feeling of hunger. Its strange, yeah it feels sick and awful but you almost get a high out of it. I got to the point that I craved hunger and I hated being full. It's really nice to hear that someone else went through the same things as me.
Thank you. My school told my parents as well. My principal found me passed out and bleeding on the bathroom floor. (I was actually discovered by a kindergartener, which I still feel guilty about, traumatizing a small child) but she ran and got the principal. Smart kid, heh. And my father never even told me that they had been informed until years later. Unlike you, I would purposefully walk about the house with fresh bleeding cuts, hoping that he would finally say something *anything* because the silence and the uncaring was the worst. He knew I tried to die and school (and he knew why, he knew I was being bullied for being queer) and he did nothing. I am so sorry for how your mother reacted. I don't think I can forgive my father for not reacting. There are so many ways parents can be shitty, eh?
I love you. Thank you for sharing with us. Some parts of this really stung my heart. Well done for getting through it, you're so strong and beautiful and so so worthy
i am so, so sorry that your mom reacted the way she did. it was unfair of her to act that way towards you, regardless of how shocking it might have been for you, and i really hope she's come around since then. i'm so so proud of your progress and i know you'll only continue to get better
My school had a group called To write love on her arm, and it was all about supporting people who self harmed. One of the events was a table with lots of pens and markers and you could write "love" on your arm or a friends. I really liked that. I hope it made some people feel better and stronger. I have really crazy family situations, and all my friends have normal or healthy families...so, I was surprised that someone else comes from a family similar to mine. I am currently renting an apartment (but will run out of money for that soon), and just got back from staying with my family for a week. It was a really hard time and wore me down...and I always feel like it is just me and people are so shocked when I tell them the stories... And most of all,
You seem like a really nice person and the earth needs a lot more people like you to come clean and help people deal with inflicting harm on yourself. I hope you are doing better now. Btw when I was eleven I self harmed and nearly slit my throat (not saying this for attention).
I wish more than anything I could have a daughter like you! Course-if I did-she'd never have a reason to self harm,but if she did-I certainly would not put her out of the house! I would take her to find help,if I couldn't help her.I am so sorry your Mom was like that! You never do that to your kids! The cutting was like a mistake you made-and mistakes are not always okay,but they can be fixed.I'm not trying to bad-mouth your Mom-just trying to understand her. I'm a cutter too-I've done it since about 9 or 10.Still do it,once in a while,when I think I'm becoming invisible in situations.
I really repect you and am very proud of you for making this! It definitely couldn't have been easy. This video will most certainly help a lot of people! Wishing you the best on your road to recovery!
Nora van hummelen WOOOO TWENTY ONE PILOTS!!! Their music has helped me so much too annnddd walk the moon and tøp actually played a show for one another when no one else came to their concert when they were just starting out. They literally took turns playing in front of each other with no one else around. Must have been hilarious. Stay Alive, friends. |-/
God bless you, may you find strength and peace and continue to stay strong, you are helping so many people and you are inspiring, I hope that 1 day you get to live the life that you dream of because you deserve it!!
I’m in a similar position with my dad, the self harm and mental shit. I’m so glad I found you Claud you’re the person I got to when I feel crap because then I know I have someone who is like me
This absolutely breaks my heart. I can never fully identify with this, but it helped me realize all these peoples situations. Claudia, if you are reading this then that would be awesome because I would love to help you and give everyone out here dealing with this my advice. First, I want to say that you all are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, flawed, and emotional beings and it is okay to feel sad. You should never hate yourself for feeling this way because God has made you a MASTERPIECE! You are perfect the way you are. Secondly, when I feel sad or angry I try to lean on god. I don't want to stir a fight or anything by mentioning God, but he really makes a difference in my life. He can fill that void in your heart. I promise. I don't want to force him on you all, but just know he loves you when no one else will! Thirdly, I just want to say and express how upsetting this video is. I had to stop watching, Claudia, after you said you hated yourself. Reasons being that (and this applies to everyone who self harms) you are absolutely gorgeous and no matter what mistake you make, or what happens to you, or how you feel, you are made perfectly. I cannot fathom how such a beautiful human being can hate themselves so much. Lastly, if any of you need anything I would love to help :) And remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you
Wow. I always thought of self harm as exclusively cutting, and the pins you used as a child sounds like it fits into that category too, but I did not realize that a behaviour I used once as a teenager (starving myself, and not to lose weight) was also self harm. Wow.
There are lots of types of self-harm. Cutting gets the most attention because it is one of the most common and one of the most visible. I have never cut, but I've bitten and hit and choked, among other things.
Thsi video was great. I've recently been doing like cutting again because I've been fighting with my mom a lot and I dont really have anyone to talk to because we moved a few months back, but your videos are really nice and therapeutic. Id 'gotten over' it for almsot seven months but just a few nights ago my mom and i got into a screaming match and I did it that night. But just seeing your vid reminded me that I stopped before and I can stop again. It reminded me that yeah, I kinda fucked up, but I'm not hopeless, I can still beat it. So thanks
Oh, I don't know how you're doing these days really, but that part about journaling--I really connect with that. I can't let anyone see some of the things I write just because they don't really understand. I found this website called 750words.com and I use it to journal privately and you're encouraged to do it every day. It has been so helpful to me. I'm sure anyone else who likes journaling but it's hard to do it for fear of someone seeing it, it's really good
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Claudia is such a precious bean and she doesn't deserve all of this in her life
+The Devil that is NOT what she needs
Vivumbra The truth is what she needs, and the truth is what she got. Seriously, She needs to grow a fucking spine and see how lucky she is to even exist. Silly bitch.
+The Devil that is ridiculous, also depression does not care about your situation it just happens. Would you react the same if it was your best friend?
do you know how mean you are sounding? No, she doesn't have a terminal illness that will cause her to die very soon. But that's not the only problem in the world. It's bigger yes but the children that are in hospitals dying could of had brilliant lives before that, no I'm not saying that it's going to be fine to die early if you had a brilliant life before that, I'm saying that having horribleness thrusted upon you when you have a good life, which is still terrible but in my opinion is better than feeling so bad that you force it upon yourself
The Devil btw don't call me a bitch
it makes me sad how nonchalantly you talk about your mother being so mean to you. I hope your life is easier now or at least you feel better. you seem like a smart person and so genuinely nice. I hope you find people who appreciate you for those and other of your good qualities as well as 'flaws.'
I did this as a teenager for depression and anxiety. Don't need it anymore, but I understand when people do. You're quite brave for talking about this for so long. Respect.
I just really want you to be happy
This video is one of the very rare videos on youtube that I can connect with. I am in a place right now where my mind is not 100%. I have struggled with self harm for not that long but I want to thank you for making this video because I know that this video is helping a lot of people everywhere so thank you ms. Boleyn :)
I just wanted to say that your voice is the most soothing and soft and comforting thing I have heard in a long time. I love your videos and I really hope that you will get better and your situation will change for the better.
you make me feel normal and comfortable in my skin. thank you for sharing this video it has helped me loads, well done for stay clean and I really hope you carry on
I was bawling my eyes out while watching this... Claudia I am so proud of you, I'm really really wishing that your recovery goes well. You have gone through so much, but you still keep your head up high and smile, you are truly, truly brave and I hope you get even better
I just want to give you a big hug. Mainly to thank you for being so open about this extremely sensitive and stigmatized topic. It means a lot to me because I have also self-harmed in the past. I relate a lot to the reason why that you described, the feeling you need to express these awfully strong feelings (often anger) but can't without making things worse/hurting other people and just taking it out on yourself instead. There were also issues in my life that I DID speak up about after a long time of gathering courage, but no one wanted to really listen to me when I did. I felt silenced and trivialized and that's what led me to self-harm as well. I still feel this way often but try to not give in to the urge and I've been successful for quite a long time (also because I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't do it anymore since it upset him a lot (he also has mental health issues of his own) and while that may not be the best reason to stop, it has been working).
You're truly brave for talking so openly about it. Thank you.
Your face lit up when you talked about scribbling and writing on sheets of paper. Maybe you could try it again if you are feeling angry or upset, but in a book or something so that it's more private :)
Yeah I think it's a good thing as long as you don't mean to hurt anyone.. Ive done it in the past and I felt better :P
Claudia,
I really love this video. I actually got to it because I was trying to find a video talking about how to deal with the horrible itching that happens when the cuts are healing. I just recently self-harmed for the first time a few days ago. I'm nineteen. I was drunk and I just felt so much that I couldn't express and I also just felt really unsatisfied with my life and wanted to feel something. I'm confident that I won't do it again but it was really nice to watch your video because you really comforted me. I do feel a little ashamed that I did it and am worried that the cuts on my arm will leave scars and you really helped me not feel so ashamed about it. I really appreciate you making this video. I am lucky enough to be able to talk to my mom and ex boyfriend about a lot of things and I am really appreciative of that. I am really sorry that you haven't been able to get the support you needed but I am so proud of you for finding the strength in yourself to keep on going even when you had no one to turn to. You are also really beautiful and I am American and am jealous of your accent and find it really pretty and nice to listen to. Thank you so much for making this video and I wish the best for you and hope you continue to progress in your recovery as you have been.
Love,
Emily
I was crying. Stay strong, I wish you all the best.
That last minute just sent me to tears...Thank you so much.
I relate to you so much! Especially for the 'why i self harm' answer. I also had a kinda similar 'parent finding out' experience. Hang in there and great job on finding positive coping skills!
im so glad that you're doing this. Im 6 days clean today and its been depressing me. It makes me want to cry when you say that you love and respect me and that im strong for still being here. ive tried ending my own life before and it makes me feel very weak. Again im glad that you're doing this and i hope that more people will see that this video is something to hold on to and keep and watch and learn from.
I am so sorry for everything you went through and are going through. Thank you for making this video n you'll always be a hero of mine x love you a lot
You are the most precious human being ever and I can really relate with some of the parent stuff. But I've been clean for almost a year and have never been happier :D
You are an incredible and strong person, and I admire you so much for that. Even though I never self harmed I did had the urge to, and really really almost did so. Thank you so much for doing this video, because it is giving me strength to keep away from self harm and obviously help people who are going through it. I'm terrible sorry about your family's reaction, and the fact that you kept loving them so much after all that is admirable. (But still, their reactions were not okay.) Good luck with your recovery, and the same goes to everyone else who's also in recovery!
Thank you so much for making this video. I can only imagine the strength it must have taken. You are truly an inspiration. Hope you're well!
This video still has me in tears ten minutes after watching. You have a wonderful way of articulating what I've tried to say many times for many years. I had gone two years and had a recent relapse. Several of your videos have helped me in my personal struggle. I applaud you, and Thank you!
If your goal was to help one person, you've been doing that for a while. I really wish I'd had this when I was going through my worst, since I had some similar family stuff as you did. I've been trying to think of how to explain how much having videos like these means to me, but some of the stuff you said about your experiences makes me think you already know.
My favorite video of yours so far.
So much of this I can relate to and as cheesy as it sounds I don't feel so alone right now.
I've been in recovery for 6 years now and I still relapse. Although they're becoming further apart and less severe, they still happen and I don't count on it 100% going away (as much as I would like it to) I do what I can to cope and am getting better at it over time.
Some advice to anyone struggling, it's ultimately up to you to get better. You can have all the support in the world, but no one can make you stop no matter how much they try. It's your choice to begin your road to recovery, and I hope you chose to take that path.
Now, to make things clear, I am not saying it's all your fault because you self harmed. What I am saying is, you cannot and will not recover if you do not want to recover.
(To anyone who thinks like me, yes, I am aware that's not exclusive to self harm.)
#3 has been very helpful to keep me from self harming. I truly appreciate what you're doing here. You are helping people. This is all very brave of you.
Thank you.
I know this is over a year old, so i dont know if you still see the comments, (i have no idea how that works, im not youtube savvy lol) but i just found your videos and really. thank you. the thumb thing and the analogy of the animal in the trap, are how i started and an analogy ive used that ive never heard from anyone else before so that struck me.
I'm 30 and ive been doing this off and on since i was 11 (actively, but with other signs of it when i was younger). i stopped for 2 years at one point, i reached a point now where i still occasionally do it but it no longer "works" which i guess is good, but somewhat distressing.
anyway, the last part actually had me near tears. ive been struggling lately and have stopped talking to people and withdrawn a lot. and sort of forgotten how to be honest about how im feeling (im trying to open up again.)
you seem like a wonderful person and i hope you find/have found someone you can talk to (i havent seen any more recent viedos yet so i dont know) and find your peace and are able to heal.
so.. thanks for making me feel like you care, that someone cares, even though you really have no idea i exist
Thank you so much for making this video. I discovered you through your videos on bisexuality, and found that that is not the only thing we have in common. I'm actually really guilty about when I self harmed because I actually really did do it partly to get some attention. I did it for other reasons too, obviously, but this reason always made me feel like a manipulative asshole, which made me want to cut even more. I just wanted someone to acknowledge that things are not okay. That I'm not ok, but I couldn't bare to tell anyone. I too mainly used to cut because I didn't know how to express my anger to people I cared about. While my dad expresses his anger by yelling at others, I just can't seem to express it to others without feeling immediately wrong with being angry afterwards, so I take out my frustrations on myself. I wish I never tried to physically self harm, because now the option will always be in my head when things become too overwhelming. I too was in that situation where my dad kicked me out of the house when I was at my weakest. He wants me to defend myself, to be a man, but all I can do is curl into a little ball and try to soothe myself because I have a sensitive temperament. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me. I just need to find a way to cope, and threatening me only makes things worse, it doesn't make me tougher.
But things are kind of better. It's been a while since I last cut, and luckily I didn't do much damage overall. My parents are trying to be supportive, and I know they love me. Talking to my sister helps a lot.
God, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I think I just stopped caring. I shouldn't be so public about these things. No one should.... But I'm glad you were open about this because it makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you
I have had depression for a few years, longest of my life. I often would reach a point of self harming, but never actually do it and I think the reason to that was my family. They never knew it was actually really bad or anything more than me being sad, but I knew if I went to them I'd get some kind of support and it kept me from self harming. I have only pretty recently realized that that was actually depression, because I remember putting myself down all the time, abusing myself verbally with things like 'you have a decent life you have no right to feel this way it's disgusting' amongst many others. What would help me were long and extremely hot showers. I would turn it all the way up and sit underneath the shower head for a long time and my skin would turn red and achy from the heat but instead of filling my head with thoughts it usually went the other way around and calmed me. I think that the heat helped as well. I also would sometimes turn, as Claudia mentioned, to books, specifically Harry Potter and just open whichever page of whichever book and read a little. It's just... Since I've never actually properly self harmed I can't speak for you, but for me it got better, I climbed out and now when I'm down 97% of it is just sadness, but not the overwhelming emptiness and apathy.
Thank you so much for this video. :)
I'm someone 8 years into the recovery process and still relapsing, and it's really encouraging to be reminded that that doesn't make me weak. And I also find drawing on myself very helpful! I always used sharpies, actually, and wrote poetry, the more long-lasting the better. Many people in my environment have given me the strangest looks for it, and it's nice to know I'm not alone in that activity. :)
Thanks again! I consider you a very encouraging person, what with all that you've been through, and this video really helped me.
I am in a very dark place at the moment (and have been many times throughout my life). Self-harming has been on my mind a lot lately, but I have been doing my best to hold back. Thank you so much for doing this video. I really needed to hear these things and I simply cannot express how helpful you've been. I am in tears after watching your video, but I don't believe they are necessarily tears of sadness... more like tears of relief. We all know that there are fellow self-harming people out there, but actually hearing someone honestly and genuinely talk about it is comforting. I imagine you will receive heaps of comments, but if you do read this, please know that you did help me a lot and I appreciate it immensely. You are a strong and beautiful woman, and you deserve to be treated as such. xxx
Stay strong, keep trying hard to resist the desire to self harm. Hugs x
Thank you for the support, Emma. xx
Wendy Camille You can do this and win the battle :) x
I only subscribed yesterday, I also have BPD and Claudia, your videos are amazing at making me feel less alone. You are an amazing person!
Thank you. I cried thorugh the ending, thank you so much, I feel a little better. All I can say is thank you
ive been in a pretty bad mental state recently and i really did need this video, and im sure a lot of other people did too, so i want to sincerely thank you, you're incredibly brave.
This video makes me feel a lot better! Thank you, hearing someone be so totally honest about how they felt during those vulnerable times make me feel like I'm not alone, since I can relate to some of the things you felt. Thank you, Claudia! :)
I only started watching you today, but everything I've seen so far has been really inspirational. I have taken everything you said very seriously and I really hope you feel better and get better. My own thing I do is create a character and draw them doing it instead of on my real body. I just focus on my friends and family much more then I've ever paid attention to myself.
I think it was incredibly brave of you to speak about such personal experiences on a platform like this for total strangers to hear. You've obviously been through a lot and your willingness to share your perspective to help other people is something I really admire. Thank you for this video and as someone else has said, thank you for captioning it for those that would be unable to hear your story otherwise. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for going two months without hurting yourself. Hopefully sometime soon you'll find someone you're able to talk to about it, that you can reach out to when you feel like cutting like I did.
Thank you, Claudia, for your tremendous intelligence and sensitivity on this subject. I understand you completely and I'm truly sorry for the pain and trauma you have suffered and that you continue to suffer. Hopefully you can take a little bit of comfort in knowing that there are people out here who truly get what you're going through and appreciate your words.
Thank you for taking about that pain and anger. I don't know why, but people blame the victims. It is not your fault. You are just in pain and you need love and support.
Thank you. You are wonderful person.
I have the same problem with anger causing self harm. I'm a very quiet and 'nice' person, I never learned to "be angry" and at this point I just take everything people throw at me and the only way to get them out is cutting them out
And feelings like disgust and fustration and anxiety and disappointment and fears and shame and loneliness and pretty much every negative emotion
Thank you so much! This video really helped me. My parents aren't so good with these things either, and listing to you really makes me feel less alone
"A lapse is not a relapse." One of the best things I've heard thus far.
i never thought ide find it, but here i am, at the top of youtube. thank you so much for having the audacity to post such a helpful, supportive and self revealing video. good luck on your troubles and if you ever need to talk, you have a full comment section here ready to help.
Claudia, I just wanted to say that I admire you so much for sharing your experiences and baring your soul to us. Thank you.
The things that my family says to say, the things they accuse me of, the things that they deny -- it all really really hurts me and makes me feel like I am living in some bizarro world where the truth should be hidden and we should all tolerate shit and there are no laws to protect people from hurting others and we should just pretend everything is okay. Oh my. I have obviously not met you, but the way you are talking in this video -- I feel like you are the first person I "met" you shares my feelings and understands that it hurts so much more when it comes from family.
I am glad to see that an important video like this has captions for deaf people to understand also. Thank you for making this resource for the community. Although I haven't done self harming myself, I know people who have dealt with this issue and plan to share it with my Tumblr followers.
I'm not a self harmer In the traditional sense (like cutting) but some of what you said really resonates with me. I started smoking so that I could get some control over my life but also because it calms my panick attacks. Thank you for making this video, I apreciate you talking about these topics knowing that I can relate to someone out there. Much love and support!
You have helped me so much. I appreciate your strength for sharing with me. My granddaughter is in treatment now. She is strong and she is loved. Thank you so much.
Is that a Who(TARDIS)ology book I see behind you? Doctor Who is life. I really appreciate this video. I'm so glad things with your father are at a stage where, after many years, you talk again. I'm very happy for you that you got there on time. Divorces suck and like you say, you absorb stuff from families at war and for some, by the time you've realised what's going on, it's too late to reconcile things. :( It's really useful to watch this video, as I know for a fact mother wouldn't get anything I'm going through with feeling extremely low etc. I bet father would... I really miss him.
Anyway, on the phone lines front, they don't always hep. They just listen but offer no solution but that might help for some people.
You're so brave for making this video it can't have been easy talking about such a sensitive and personal topic. I have so much respect for you. Stay strong Claudia :)
My School actually rang my Mum up too, but I'm ashamed and guilty of lying to my Mum and convincing her it was something else and that I was not cutting myself, purely because I couldn't stand the overbearing attention she gave me. She even came into my room that night and sat next to my bed and cried because she couldn't cope with the thought of what I was doing and called it "stupid". It's been almost a year since then, and I originally threw away my "instrument", but I ended up desperately searching for another, so nothing's changed. I feel so stupid for lying, but her reaction made it worse. I don't have anyone else to fall back on for support either.
Keep strong women.
I've never self harmed even though when I was younger I thought my life was so bad.
But now I see life in a much better way and I hope you keep strong.
Great video!
i seriously cannot articulate how much this video means to me, thank you ^___^ and congratulations on two months!
To be honest I only watched the first 5 minutes of this video. Considering your mum tried to kick you out and verbally attacked you when she found out you were self harming leaves me to believe she is a very toxic person and you'd probably be better off getting as far away from her as possible, IMO.
+Damian Matthews ik
I've never been through this and I can't smile. How can she smile after all this? She's so brave
Thank you. Thank you for breaking the silence about self harm. I self harm as a way of coping, but I am never allowed to talk about it. So thank you for talking about it. .We need to talk about how it is experienced for different individuals. I don't believe talking about self harms makes others self harm . . . it makes self harmers feel less alone and thus less likely to hurt them selves, so thank you thank you thank you (right now I'm trying to work out how I can also speak out without endangering my job, so you are way braver than me, and I thank you.)
I don't know how young I was. Probably somewhere between 3 and 5. I'm on the autism spectrum, so it's not that surprising. I would get upset and frustrated and channel it on the most acceptable target: myself. For me it was mostly hitting and biting. It stopped for a while after my parents made me tell my pastor what happened (he noticed the bite marks, and you know, pastors are mandatory reporters for child abuse, so...) but started back up in middle school, along with occasional scratching, hair pulling, and jumping hard enough to jar my legs. In high school and college, it switched to mostly hitting and choking. I'd also occasionally get more violent urges (stabbing myself, slamming my head in the door, inducing vomiting, etc.) but my self-preservation instinct was enough that I wouldn't act on those, though if I was alone, I'd sometimes pantomime them. I haven't had much trouble for a while. Taking some time off to regroup and get meds and therapy going strong has really helped. But I'm sure it would only take the right trigger to start up again.
Love and hugs! I know what it's like to have a bad home life like you and many others do. I hope one day you can get yourself away from that and into a more positive space :)
Claudi, you're an absolutely wonderful person for making this video.
thank you for making this, you describe it so well x
You are sooo strong and brave and you're helping so many people (including myself)! Thank you! I wish you all the best!!!
You're so wonderful Claudia and I am so proud of you. I've had some really close friends to me did it and a lot of this struck home, so thank you for making this and I am so happy that you've made it two whole months.
This was an absolutely beautiful video, I'm sure there are going to be so many young people who benefit and feel less alone from this
Thank you to have muster up the courage and the strength to talk about it
what happened to me sounds really similar to your situation. My parents were the reason but they'll never know what i do or why i do it because i love them too much. It started out of pure anger and depression and it still is sometimes. I have never told anyone but friends and i dealt with it alone and still do. I write things down on paper and on myself to cope. Listening to you was like listening to myself honestly. So, thank you for this video. You are a strong and beautiful girl and you are most definitely not alone in how you feel.
Florence + the Machine have been a really important band for me to, I used to listen to the acoustic version of heartlines almost every day before I came out to my parents and then came out to them when I saw her sing it on tour. this is an incredibly brave and important video and I have so much respect for you
I'm so glad I came across your videos. I was feeling particularly down and confused today but your videos helped me understand what I'm going through a little more.
I am so so sorry. Everyone deserves a good family. I self harm, too. I love everything on your channel.
Thank you so much for this video Claudia. You are such a strong person and you have been through a lot. As a person who used to cut (I don't anymore), it is very hard and I wished that I had watched this video 5 years ago when I was cutting in January 2012. But you can get through this. It's hard but you will.
Claudia, I just look up to you so much. Your videos make me so, so happy and make me feel really proud in who I am. Thank you.
your videos are very helpful to me, just listening to what you have to say about these things somehow makes me feel much better, and i appreciate it so much. i can relate to a lot of the stuff you say and it makes me feel like i am not actually alone. anyways, just thank you so much for making your videos
I really admire you, this video is really helpful. You are a wonderful person and I wish you everything great :-*
I'm so proud of you for being so brave through this video!! You looked strong, and resilient, and beautiful. Your eyeliner was PERFECT as well :) xx
Wow, your first question hit me hard. I was exactly the same at roughly the same age!! I used safety pins and nail files to scratch over and over again until I bled (rather than cutting deep the first time). However starvation was my main form of self harm. For a long time I didn't even know this was classified as self harm. Once a girl told me I wasnt actually self harming because I didnt "really cut". Funny thing was, I was addicted to the feeling of hunger. Its strange, yeah it feels sick and awful but you almost get a high out of it. I got to the point that I craved hunger and I hated being full. It's really nice to hear that someone else went through the same things as me.
Thank you. My school told my parents as well. My principal found me passed out and bleeding on the bathroom floor. (I was actually discovered by a kindergartener, which I still feel guilty about, traumatizing a small child) but she ran and got the principal. Smart kid, heh. And my father never even told me that they had been informed until years later. Unlike you, I would purposefully walk about the house with fresh bleeding cuts, hoping that he would finally say something *anything* because the silence and the uncaring was the worst. He knew I tried to die and school (and he knew why, he knew I was being bullied for being queer) and he did nothing. I am so sorry for how your mother reacted. I don't think I can forgive my father for not reacting. There are so many ways parents can be shitty, eh?
Well done for getting through it to be here today! It's nice to find people who understand what you go through, like Claudia! Keep strong!
Gosh it sounds like you've been through a horrible time, hope things are looking more positive now
Oh yeah, I haven't cut myself since January 6, 2006. Just had my "anniversary". I buy myself a cake every year :)
Claudia is so precious and deserves everything in the world
I love you. Thank you for sharing with us. Some parts of this really stung my heart. Well done for getting through it, you're so strong and beautiful and so so worthy
i am so, so sorry that your mom reacted the way she did. it was unfair of her to act that way towards you, regardless of how shocking it might have been for you, and i really hope she's come around since then. i'm so so proud of your progress and i know you'll only continue to get better
I think you are very brave for sharing you're personal experience with self harm. This video can be very helpful for many people :)
So glad you brought up the starvation topic. I’ve tried to justify why I do it and you’ve explained it astoundingly well💕
You're so amazing! I found your channel because of your feminist videos (and love them btw). This was so helpful and you are a true inspiration!
My school had a group called To write love on her arm, and it was all about supporting people who self harmed. One of the events was a table with lots of pens and markers and you could write "love" on your arm or a friends. I really liked that. I hope it made some people feel better and stronger.
I have really crazy family situations, and all my friends have normal or healthy families...so, I was surprised that someone else comes from a family similar to mine. I am currently renting an apartment (but will run out of money for that soon), and just got back from staying with my family for a week. It was a really hard time and wore me down...and I always feel like it is just me and people are so shocked when I tell them the stories...
And most of all,
Thank you for this, Claudia. I really needed it right now. Thank you.
You seem like a really nice person and the earth needs a lot more people like you to come clean and help people deal with inflicting harm on yourself. I hope you are doing better now. Btw when I was eleven I self harmed and nearly slit my throat (not saying this for attention).
I wish more than anything I could have a daughter like you! Course-if I did-she'd never have a reason to self harm,but if she did-I certainly would not put her out of the house! I would take her to find help,if I couldn't help her.I am so sorry your Mom was like that! You never do that to your kids! The cutting was like a mistake you made-and mistakes are not always okay,but they can be fixed.I'm not trying to bad-mouth your Mom-just trying to understand her. I'm a cutter too-I've done it since about 9 or 10.Still do it,once in a while,when I think I'm becoming invisible in situations.
A person is a person don't belittle anyone instead let's make sure we all feel as worthy as we are
I really repect you and am very proud of you for making this! It definitely couldn't have been easy. This video will most certainly help a lot of people! Wishing you the best on your road to recovery!
You should try listening to Twenty One Pilots. I can't tell you how much they've helped me through x
I love their music. They inspire me
DoNotTapTheGlass Thanku thanku so much i just googled them and i love them. The band that has helped me a lot is Walk The Moon.
I've been hearing good things about Walk The Moon, I should listen to them
Nora van hummelen WOOOO TWENTY ONE PILOTS!!! Their music has helped me so much too annnddd walk the moon and tøp actually played a show for one another when no one else came to their concert when they were just starting out. They literally took turns playing in front of each other with no one else around. Must have been hilarious. Stay Alive, friends. |-/
That sounds so cute!
God bless you, may you find strength and peace and continue to stay strong, you are helping so many people and you are inspiring, I hope that 1 day you get to live the life that you dream of because you deserve it!!
Thank you for this, and congratulations on all you've achieved. I wish you nothing but the best.
I’m in a similar position with my dad, the self harm and mental shit. I’m so glad I found you Claud you’re the person I got to when I feel crap because then I know I have someone who is like me
This absolutely breaks my heart. I can never fully identify with this, but it helped me realize all these peoples situations. Claudia, if you are reading this then that would be awesome because I would love to help you and give everyone out here dealing with this my advice.
First, I want to say that you all are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, flawed, and emotional beings and it is okay to feel sad. You should never hate yourself for feeling this way because God has made you a MASTERPIECE! You are perfect the way you are.
Secondly, when I feel sad or angry I try to lean on god. I don't want to stir a fight or anything by mentioning God, but he really makes a difference in my life. He can fill that void in your heart. I promise. I don't want to force him on you all, but just know he loves you when no one else will!
Thirdly, I just want to say and express how upsetting this video is. I had to stop watching, Claudia, after you said you hated yourself. Reasons being that (and this applies to everyone who self harms) you are absolutely gorgeous and no matter what mistake you make, or what happens to you, or how you feel, you are made perfectly. I cannot fathom how such a beautiful human being can hate themselves so much.
Lastly, if any of you need anything I would love to help :)
And remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you
I love you Claudia. I really needed to hear that. Thank you. You, I think, are my new Anne.
I have a question..
how do you manage to still love your parents so much when they treated you that way? I'm so sorry you go through all of this 💕
Wow. I always thought of self harm as exclusively cutting, and the pins you used as a child sounds like it fits into that category too, but I did not realize that a behaviour I used once as a teenager (starving myself, and not to lose weight) was also self harm. Wow.
There are lots of types of self-harm. Cutting gets the most attention because it is one of the most common and one of the most visible. I have never cut, but I've bitten and hit and choked, among other things.
This was so great of you to make, I really admire you
Thsi video was great. I've recently been doing like cutting again because I've been fighting with my mom a lot and I dont really have anyone to talk to because we moved a few months back, but your videos are really nice and therapeutic. Id 'gotten over' it for almsot seven months but just a few nights ago my mom and i got into a screaming match and I did it that night. But just seeing your vid reminded me that I stopped before and I can stop again. It reminded me that yeah, I kinda fucked up, but I'm not hopeless, I can still beat it. So thanks
This video hits home for me. You're amazing and so brave, thank you
I can relate. Started self harming at 9. Had depression since 8. But self harm alternatives have helped a lot.
Thank you so much for making this video. I wish you all the best.
this is such a brave video. i could relate but i've been clean for over 6 months :) love you claudia!
You are so strong,thanks for sharing you story stay strong because you are worth it :) also I love your hair :)
Oh, I don't know how you're doing these days really, but that part about journaling--I really connect with that. I can't let anyone see some of the things I write just because they don't really understand. I found this website called 750words.com and I use it to journal privately and you're encouraged to do it every day. It has been so helpful to me. I'm sure anyone else who likes journaling but it's hard to do it for fear of someone seeing it, it's really good