Gender Non-Conformity in Cisgender Autistic People : Challenging Gender Stereotypes
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 พ.ค. 2024
- Gender non-conformity in autism is a big topic of discussion in the autistic community. Statistics show that autistic individuals are more likely to be sexuality and gender divergent. In this video, I’ll share my perspective from what I've observed in the community including the distinction between not identifying with your socially assigned gender and not conforming to gender stereotypes. This is a crucial topic for many of us on the quest to find the most authentic version of ourselves.
🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
2:58 What’s interesting about Gender Non-Conformity?
3:26 My experience: What it means to me
5:34 Diversity of Expression in the Autistic Community
6:43 Why did I make this video?
8:29 Being the odd one out
9:38 What can labels do?
9:55 Being your authentic self
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I am a cis-gender woman, and I usually find myself in male-dominated environments because of my interests, and I am more comfortable with guys anyway. But I think that society generally values masculinity and it is seen as a positive thing to be "one of the boys", so it hasn't really given me problems. I usually surround myself with other misfits, and it was a shock to me to discover that stereotypical women actually exist in real life. They seem to instinctively not like me, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
I am a man and I have always found myself in female dominated environments. It hasn't given me any problems either as society generally also values femininity and it's seen as a positive thing. To be fair, most people generally don't care about any of that
Same here.
Feminine women dislike me if they're like... conformist in general. I'm very similar to you in experience, my interests and friends tend toward what is considered masculine, but I did find that feminine women who are outside the box in other ways have no issues with me at all. This makes me speculate that women who do femininity because they feel like they have to resent us for not doing the chore they see as mandatory and don't like doing, where people who are feminine but don't feel it's required and chose it for personal enjoyment don't see someone 'getting away' with what they see as a social crime.
@@jessjohnson998 Whoa, I think you absolutely nailed it with that analysis! Seriously, thank you for your insight because I have wondered about this behaviour from certain feminine women for most of my life, and I could not figure it out. Like, what's their motivation? What's the benefit? Why is it such a predictable pattern? What the eff is going on?? You have just given me a whole new perspective on this, and them. And it's made me consider them with more sympathy, so thank you so much again!
@@jessjohnson998This has been more my experience as well. When I was younger, I had about equal numbers of boys & girls as friends. The girls also tended to be in some ways outsiders or were more accepting of my differences.
I'm a cis-gender female, but inadvertently became gender-nonconforming. To start with, I have the unfortunate characteristic of being "flat-chested". On top of that, I have never liked wearing makeup because I can feel it on my face. I don't like most feminine clothes, especially pantyhose!, because they are uncomfortable. I don't enjoy painting my fingernails and I can't stand them long, because it's harder to keep them clean. On top of that, I tend to either say nothing, or talk too forcefully about science fiction, fantasy, physics, how machines work, and mathematics. Now, I am post-menopausal, have my hair cut in a mohawk, and people can't tell what the heck I am, ahahaha!
So like you cis gender female but not conforming, yuk to makeup, me too can feel it on my face, nails short really short, pantyhose, or tights as we call them in uk, awful invention! I’m not flat chested, far to big, always wished they shrink!
Lol same.... the makeup thing. I feel like my skin can't breath and it stresses me
talk about how machines work please
@@Blaineworld What, now?
@@Alien_at_Large if you want to. i was thinking you would like to but it’s fine if not
This! I grew up baffled by the idea that everything had to be "for girls" or "for boys". Thanks to my fantastic parents, I was confused by the world's weirdness, but not massively intimidated by it. A typical interaction with gender conformity might go like this...
Me: [Does a thing]
GC: Girls don't do that.
Me: I do it, I'm a girl, therefore at least one girl clearly does do this.
GC: You're weird.
Me: You can't do basic logic. 🙄 I'll take "weird" as a compliment.
Yes, same here, I was (and am) confused and a little offended by "this is how girls are" and "this is how boys are". I'm not autistic, but ADHD. I still wonder what people get out of it, I'm assuming it's often some kind of small talk when you're sick of the weather, to say "oh, you know how boys are, that's why your son and daughter are so different, haha!" And I never know whether to point out that my second daughter is pretty much exactly like my son, or whether that's arguing.
My response to "this is what girls are like" was "Well... obviously not, as I'm a girl and am not like that, so maybe you need to rethink your ideas there, brainiac."😅
And thank goodness I'm 41 and there was none of this obsession with "identity" when I was growing up. I already had a bit of a difficult time being not quite a "normal girl", but that was just media and books. My friends and cousins and the women around me all were clearly individuals and all different from the stereotypes in their own ways, so I figured it was fine. Fortunately, I grew up in an area with a lot of immigrants and varying income levels, and it was very easy to see that different people are different, and that's just how it is.
And when I was explaining things to my son when he was little and wanted to wear fancy hair clips like his baby sister, I framed it as "I don't know why, it doesn't really make sense, but around here right now a boy wearing hair clips looks strange, not fancy, and a girl looks fancy. But it's the opposite for things like bow ties and suspenders. I don't know why, but just for your information, that's how people will see it 🤷♀️" so he sometimes wore hair clips but mostly a very dapper silk tie.😍 Super cute. And it never occurred to me to wonder if he was gay or trans, I just figured he wanted to be fancy, and I was trying to help him be fancy in a way that would read as fancy. For whatever reason, boys wear bows under their chins and girls wear bows on their heads. I dunno, I don't make the rules, I just notice them.
All these boxes that everyone's squeezing themselves and others into... I really don't get it and find it both illogical and a little insulting, but I am socially aware enough to know that any criticisms of that will result in hate, so 😶🌫️
My sister in law told me with a meaningful glance that her son really likes pink, and always chooses the pink cup, and how her husband doesn't like that.
And I totally missed what she was saying, and was all, "yeah, I kind of agree with your husband on this one. I don't like playing along with the power trips of toddlers. If it's clean, you can have it, if not, choose another colour, I'm not washing it specially!" And I totally missed her point😅
YES! Thank you for putting this into words. I'm an autistic cisgender woman, and what you are talking about is my experience growing up. As a kid I had some interests that were labelled typically feminine like crochet and knitting, and others that were not at that time, like computers and sci-fi.
I remember thinking pretty much exactly what you said - that it's just what I like, and I don't feel like a boy, I feel like a girl, so it must be other people's definition of feminine or masculine hobbies that was wrong.
I am a female who crochets, cooks/bakes and programs. Have you also thought about the similarities between these activities? You can follow a recipe or pattern to recreate something, or use ideas from different recipes or patterns, mixed with your own ideas to create something entirely new.
Yes it's definitely making things that I like, whether it's intangible like a database or a video game character, or something I can touch like an item of clothing. Just for some strange reason, crochet and knitting got approval from my peers over other things. Glad I ignored them.
@@helenx6218 Yep, do what makes you happy. :)
@@perceptionsofreality This is very interesting to read, as I am kinda self-diagnosing as a senior. Knitting has been a long-runnng theme, and light. I can say I've been obsessed with colour and perspective (angles, shadows, 3 dimensions) and how colours change - dependng on the angle of the light, the season, the time of day - from a very young age. I was frustrated with not being abl to reproduce these on paper, as a child, so that beng able to capture photographs came as a huge relief. I've read knitters positvely despairing over the challenge of choosing between shades of wool because they are all so comfortingly beautiful and alluring.
This is exactly how I feels like ! I am a cisgender heterosexual woman (with a boyfriend which I'm really greatful to have since he's quite patient with all my antics etc) but I always just go for whatever feels right to do or wear no matter if it comes from a male section shop, an activity that is usually associated with the opposite gender or just plain drawing cute thing that for once fit the stereotype. I do feel pretty free going with it the way it feels right and comfortable whatever the expected attitude or style should be. I work in research as a lab technician and do leathercraft on the side while taking care of my frogs, snake and mischief making cats, gaming and all. Yet I feel perfectly fine being a woman myself. Thank you for making this video !
I am female and was dubbed "tomboy" pretty much as soon as I could walk. Then puberty hit with a vengeance, and it was no longer "allowed." Even it would have been allowed, I looked distinctly and incredibly "woman." I spent most of my life thinking that all women played this big game of pretend because they felt like they had to. It never occurred to me that people would actually enjoy being a woman. Now that I'm in my 30's of course I know better, but it's still mindblowing when I "rediscover" this fact.
Thank you for this. I'm a cis-gender woman who is very frustrated by the current discourse surrounding gender. There seems to be a LOT of reinforcement of the boxes, and I step outside my gender box pretty frequently. I wish men were socially given more freedom to do the same. These boxes can be pretty harmful.
Yes! Even though the number of "boxes" is larger, they are still boxes. I find that I (and my husband and my 4 children) reliably fail to fit into any defined box. Can we just drop the boxes and allow everyone to exist on a multi-vector continuum?
I'm feeling a lot of pressure regarding gender labels. But I don't believe I should have to choose a social category. The categories are arbitrary and change over time and vary across cultures.
....You go outside of a "female gender box" regularly?! I've never heard of this before! You should make some videos explaining how you manage to quicky add and remove a skin-based (non-dildo) penis multiple times per week!
Men are free today to wear a dress, enter the women's bathrooms, and rape women in what is supposed to be a place where they feel more private! What freedom do you want them to have?
Spot on, Paul. As a cisgender woman I am so glad and relieved to hear all of this, even if I do wish I had heard it 50 + years ago when I was in my late teens and early twenties and feeling very gender non-conformist. Thank you!
Me too!!
Ditto!
It's odd, but I grew up 50+ years ago and for kids gender markers weren't so pronounced as later. Maybe my parents were more relaxed but there was no pressure to dress particularly feminine or masculine, and I climbed trees and did things boys did and also things girls did. Still did that as an adult. Teens were confusing, since none of it made much sense, but I dressed like other girls my age but still interested in science, etc. I got a few dolls, chemistry set, lincoln logs, since toys weren't so heavily gendered. Or maybe other kids families were different. A few girls wore frilly things but that was an exception.
@@kdcraft89 I had to wear dresses to school for the first few years (late 1970s). Yes, I climbed trees etc. in dresses.
Luckily I had parents who were otherwise pretty good about busting gender stereotypes--Mom was just as good with power tools as Dad, for example.
I’m 70 and recently realized I have been, essentially, gender ambiguous my entire life. Thanks for discussing this
it's called having a personality
When I re-came out as a trans man last year, I felt the need to attach the phrase "gender non conforming" to defend myself from the "but you can't be a man" because of this or that feminine trait, which I unfortunately heard way too much of the first time around and convinced myself I must be nonbinary for about 8 years. Being a man with some feminine traits is a hard thing to accept, but I feel so much more at home now than I ever did before
Oh wow, I hadn't thought about how difficult that must be as trans! I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable now, because all those feminine and masculine traits are what makes you you, so you shouldn't feel like you need to suppress any of them. Thank you for sharing your experience!
@@JWildberry I honestly know quite a few other autistic trans people that are also gender non-conforming.
It is honestly pretty hard
Wow so someone actually feels the same way I do...
@@pierogipierogipierogi there's honestly quite a few of us out there 💗
See I think I'm nothing...
Like I'm neither...
I literally have no way of explaining it, but I don't feel like I fit into either one or feel like I'm more in line with one or the other.
They actually both make me kinda uncomfortable because I feel like "they don't come naturally to me".
Anyway, it's just easier to stick to my assigned sex at birth as my gender.
Plus women are the nicer looking among the more prevalent two (unless it's a gentleman who does drag well) so I've stuck to it.
But at the same time I'm very uncomfortable with certain demands made of women. I just don't ever see myself getting pregnant for instance... It's hella scary tbh and man those women have ginormous balls for doing that because it can totally kill them.
I have stuff like my period which is UNBELIEVABLELY uncomfortable and makes me drop a bucket worth of blood every month (Twisted vampirical fetish I swear, and you can't convince me otherwise! Just think about where that blood comes out and tell me I'm wrong 🤦♀️).
I just think that women are insanely strong, this garbage hurts and it comes with the package..no returns and no refunds 😭 even if people don't intend to use any of it because it seems crazy painful, like me...
But hey, at least, you're a trans gentleman so you knew what it was like, and even though asking you may be asking for a biased opinion because you didn't feel comfortable in the body that was misdistributed to you... But very few people honestly seem to get that the demands made of someone who resides in a "female" body are bananas, they're just bonkers, I can't go through with most of them.
I'm nothing, and I still think it sucks. 😭
I never realised this was an autistic trait, but I'm not surprised! I'm hetero cis-male, but many people have tried to put me into other boxes (mostly during the years when I dressed glam) whereas I've always felt the standard "male" box was ridiculously narrow and an oddly arbitrary boundary of interests and reaction-sets. These days, I don't think that much about it, but I always chuckle when I see the box that Google or Meta ads have placed me into - there, I'm most often an Asian or African-American mother who's looking to migrate to Europe (where I've always lived); no complaints from me, it's certainly a better box than "hetero cis-male"!
Hahaha, I am a hetero cis-female and the internet constantly serves me ads to date single mothers and sometimes ads for waifu mobile games. I'm still struggling to unpack that and figure out wtf it all means.
I also seem to have confused the algorithms. 😂
I always wondered why the algorithms serving ads were so primitive when companies like Google Facebook and Twitter must have had so much data about me. To be fair, Instagram has served me some really good ads because on Instagram, I mainly follow and look at stuff related to my hobbies.
😂 I confuse the absoute HECK out of those algorithms too! I made a post on fb a while back with screenshots of all the messed up things I got adds for in just one day. Anything from an inflatable unicorn costume to some kind of military-looking flying gadget.
"Narrow" .... YES!!!
This is definitely how I feel. I’ve always found it hard to make friends with other girls because I had much different interests; for one, I was a huge Pokémon nerd, and I still am. I also don’t like to act stereotypically feminine and I hate wearing dresses. Actually, I wear men’s clothes most of the time.
Honestly, I think the idea that everyone has to fit into some type of box according to their gender is ridiculous. Why doesn’t everyone just wear whatever they like? There’s nothing that boys or girls are supposed to do, just be yourself.
Pokemon is designed for everyone
Pokemon is neutral for all.
Have you taken that popular 34 question 250 result "What Pokémon is your partner" quiz? I got Nickit and Murkrow, both dark types, and I'm not sure if it's a coincidence hahaha
@@arcticpossi_schw1siantuntija42 Well, when I was a kid, all the Pokémon toys were in the boys aisle, and back then the toy aisle actually did have a sign above that said “boys” and “girls”. I felt out of place when I was a kid, and certainly none of the other girls I knew cared about Pokémon. I think you’re right about Pokémon having been designed for everyone, but it certainly wasn’t marketed toward everyone.
@@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa just took it and got buizel I honestly prefer torterra purely because of the aesthetic and the fact that it was my first fully evolved starter
I'm a Cis man who's never fit neatly into masculine parameters. Reading about other autistic people's gender experiences online since self-diagnosing has been so eye-opening and interesting to me! I'm glad to know there's other people out there like me :) Thanks for another great vid Paul
Were they other TH-cam channels?
Yes, I am too something like that. While I look masculine alpha AF, my demeanour outside of what I look like and behaviour is very different from that stereotype. One of them being that there are very few people I can form any kind of relationships with. And while 95% of those are females and my relationships with them are very intimate, I still consider them purely platonic. During my last relationship I realized the platonic nature of my non-romantic relationships don't necessarily show outside. She was very jealous(I'm not sure if that's a right word but don't know any better in English) because my need for constant touching. I don't shake hands. I hug. And I hug a lot. And apparently very intimately. But I've never cheated and never will, but my ex couldn't stand it or didn't even want to understand it.
What is still mystery for me at the age of 34, I still don't know why I come along with some people extremely well and not at all with the rest. I know it intuitively the moment I see them, but I still don't understand what it is I see and feel at them.
Also, emotionally I'm extremely sensitive. Sensitive in empathetic way, but not so much in other way in that I can take all the crap and insults in the world and it doesn't faze me a bit. Both are caused by the same thing. I'm empathetic to the point that I have sometimes enormous struggles to find my own feeling. I'm always feeling what others are. People around me feel angry, I become angry. People around me feel good and loved, I feel the same myself. When I don't have anyone around to make feel good, I often feel empty as if I don't have feeling of my own at all.
Did I even talk about the same thing as you? I'm not so sure but I'll still leave this comment here. :D
@@anteshell PSA: Don't use female/male as noun unless you're engaged in a literally academic discussion where that makes sense to do.
@@Call-me-Al You don't know me. You don't know who was i calling "she". You know nothing more than what was included in my comment.
Nobody here needs that bullshit you're spewing out. Get lost.
@@anteshell I can totally relate. Like every part of your experience.
Omg! It’s like you’re in my head on this. I’ve been waiting to “outgrow” the reaction “Well, that’s dumb,” when confronted with gender norms. I’m 51 and still feel the same way. My experience is being female is “feminine” bc it’s mine, no matter what preferences or activities that experience includes.
I was born AFAB and grew up with two older brothers. From a very early age, in spite of pressure from my mother to be "my dainty and delicate little girl," I wanted to be in the sandbox playing with Tonka trucks with my brothers. I wanted a chemistry set like my brothers had. I got a tea party set instead. I wasn't interested in tea parties. When a friend started playing "tea party" with me, I was kind of puzzled. I knew I was physically a girl, but I didn't feel entirely girl. I knew I wasn't a boy and didn't feel like a boy. I often wished I'd been born a boy, but I never identified as male. The most gender-conforming I ever felt was "female-ish." The closest word at the time was "tomboy," but even that didn't quite fit. That was only about girls horsing around and doing "boy" things and then you were supposed to outgrow that "phase" and blossom into the belle of the ball. And that wasn't me, either.
This sounds so much like me (except for the brothers, or any siblings for that matter)! I'm very lucky that I have parents that have always been fairly accepting of me not being a typical girl but occasionally I get comments from my mum about how something will "make you look like a boy" and similar comments that generally boil down to me being too boyish for her liking which has ended up in more than a few arguements. My Dad's pretty chill about it though so that's a win.
Haven't ever found anyone like me before, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this
Thank you for this video, I’m Autistic, and cisgender female, I had to look that up to find out what it actually means, but I’ve never felt I quite fitted in with other girls/women. Never had an interest in all that ‘girly’ stuff, make up etc, all that ‘girly’ chat. I am female, but I never felt quite same as the other females. I dress how I want to, loose baggy comfortable, not interested in fashion, often shocked my friends by not being afraid to tackle DIY, when my health was good, I just did it my way. I had no interest in sex at all, still don’t, it’s just not on my radar. I found out about ‘asexual’ in my 30s and went yes that’s me. I was very late diagnosed Autistic and that made sense of a lot of my life. This video is so helpful. I can now see I’m female, in body and feelings, but I don’t quite fit the female role all of the time. Thank you so much it’s been very helpful.
❤❤❤
You sound a lot like me, except I was excessively girly AND a tomboy as a kid/teenager. All that makeup stuff quickly faded when I became an adult, and the rest you wrote is a perfect fit for me. I'm lucky, because my father and mother cared a lot about raising strong, independent girls. Especially my dad wanted to teach us to change tires, use tools, etc. He wanted to prepare us for life on all fronts, and he was very proud when we did those things. I think that helped me accept that side of me from an early age. I saw it as a strength, something to be proud of adding to my female toolbox, so to speak.
There is no such thing as asexual. It's called coping strategy. Some people are simply unattractive.
I do lots of “man” stuff. I do plumbing, don’t wear makeup, carry a wallet, like my hair short, I’m a gamer, etc. But I also do “woman” stuff like crafts, paint my nails, and I’m a nurse, which is a career that’s mainly women. I’m just me. I like being me. ❤
Thank you so much for speaking about this. I'm often told by the younger autistic people that I must (yes, they're imposing me to do that) say I'm a men because I do a lot of manly things and I keep my hair a few mm long and I dress with manly clothes. And if I try to tell them that my mother and grand mother generation fought to have the right to dress as they wish, do the profession they want to, etc. and thus I am allowed to be myself as a woman, they get angry at me for not wanting to comply to their wish that I say I'm a man. This makes me so sad, because it's fellow autistic people who tell me that.
I can imagine that sucks indeed, but you're absolutely right to say only you can decide how you identify!
I totally feel you on this! I'm feeling pressure to label myself as non-binary or genderfluid. Whatever happened to questioning gender stereotypes?
well, many autistic people have that rigidity. i hate to say this but it seems like autistic people tend to think they're correct, especially when in heated argument (well, including me). so no need to waste time arguing..
and I agree with you, i just want to wear comfortable clothes that i like and do what i wanna do..
These are called "SJWs", and have been widely decried, refuted, and hated since at least 2013. Unfortunately, a large number of them decided to become schoolteachers, and now send insane propoganda to children regularly. This obviously does not somehow mean that girls are somehow suddenly required to stop wearing pants, becoming car mechanics, and joining football teams. The next time your so-called "friends" try to tell you that you are a man, simply say to them, "No actually, I am female. See?". Then pull down your pants and point to your vagina. They will presumably be reminded of what your gender is the next time they try to make false claims about you, by remembering that they have ready verified the existence of your vagina. It might also help them member the definitions of basic English words that we all learned before kindergarten, since unfortunately dictionaries do not serve that function anymore unless they were already printed before 2004 or so.
This whole 'you must be a man/non-binary because you do or like masculine things' idea is so backwards, and it's why I don't support this movement. I am a woman because I was born female, but that shouldn't stop me from being masculine or feminine or a mix of both. We should free ourselves from these stereotypes and and just be ourselves.
Cultural norm what gender has to look like is a way of controlling what people should do or should not do. It's an instrument of power. Fortunately ourdays there is so much more freedom to dress how we want! Fun fact: knitting once was a male activity , because shepherds did this , because, obviously, there was enough material;-)
Interesting fun fact, thank you
similar fun fact: pink used to be considered a masculine color, and blue a feminine color.
a lot of gender stereotypes were flipped on their head...
I heard a funny story from a woman doctor. In medical school a male surgeon was teaching sutures and the woman said, “of course, this is sewing, I learned this as a girl.” The macho surgeon did not take kindly to that.
@@ssjcrafter8842 High heels were originally invented for men to ride horses better. Much better grip in the stirrups.
Then women started thinking "These are cool. I'm gonna wear them."
Then the men said "Well if women are going to wear them, we won't." And it became a female thing to do.
Definitely something I've been thinking about since realizing I'm autistic! I'm a cisgender heterosexual woman who was labeled as a "tomboy" as a girl, liked sports more than traditionally "girlie" activities, don't wear feminine clothing most of the time...then and now at age 59. It's really made me think, lately, about who made up these rules anyway?! There's definitely societal trauma surrounding it and I need to let that all go...because I get to decide, not someone else. I've carried the weight of others deciding while at that same time not conforming. Just one more way I feel like an outsider because of autism (never knew it til about 3 months ago!) Thanks for this video!
Hello Paul. I'm a 66 year old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD about 25 years ago. At the time it was the "best" option diagnosis. I could write you a book, but I'm sure you've heard it all by now. I also worked for approx 14 year as a school psychologist and (ironically) spent my career identifying children and young adults who were struggling in school and then assessing and diagnosing the problems. Through your channel I have come to realize that diagnostic criteria has changed a lot and that in reality, I am an Autistic woman. Very Autistic. Anyways, YES. I've never wanted to be a different gender, but I struggled mightily with the issue. I paid my way through college by joining the Air Force and became the first woman Small Arms instructor (my recruiter lied on the form about me being a woman, once I got off the bus, they HAD to take me). I switched to Army ROTC just as the military was shutting down the Women's army Corps and moving all women into the Regular Army. Again, I "fudged" a few things and ended up in a combat military police unit after graduating from college ... I didn't get to stay long, but it was fun for about six months. When I was getting my Master's in clinical psychology I was run through a battery of personality inventories and always scored between 75% to 80% masculine traits vs 20% to 25% feminine. Even so, I never "felt like a man in a woman's body", I've always felt female ... I just really liked different things from my female friends and never questioned whether it was right or wrong for me. I'd just get real pissed if I was told "no", I couldn't do that. Anyways, THANK YOU for this channel. I am starting a journey in Adult Autism Assessment, I believe my years of assessing children will be helpful. You have helped me to accept the Neurodiversity-Affirmative Approach and I shall forever be grateful.
a fascinating story! ☺☺☺
It's so frustrating that society still believes there's such a thing as masculine and feminine. Just as those arbitrary social categories were on the verge of disappearing, they came back with a vengeance. 😳
I'm a cis male also and I kept questioning whether I was non-binary because of the fact that I just don't see myself conforming to gender norms most of the time. I feel pressure at times to do so and it's always so stressful to me when I do. Gotta say this video definitely resonates w. me and my experience w. not feeling the desire to want to conform
I've been questioning if I'm non-binary a lot lately too, because I don't conform to gender norms either. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's been feeling pressure to do this. And also nice to know that I'm not the only cis person who is gender non-conforming :)
I totally relate to feeling pressure toward identifying as non-binary. But I believe it's the gender stereotypes that are wrong. If you look at the term "stereotype" in any other context, many people will agree that they're wrong. It's only when it comes to gender that people are expected to take the stereotypes seriously and define their personal identity by whether or not they conform to the stereotypes. Unfair and unnecessary stress, imho.
I've been struggling with gender for quite some time now. And for me the best "label" I could find was agender. It's kind of the perfect label that denies other labels, in that it's similar to atheism :D It's not that I don't believe in gender, even if it is a social construct, it's a real thing. But I would love to live in a world where there is no gender whatsoever. Everyone is free to do, wear, act, choose, be whatever they like. Where your genitals don't determine your place and role in this world. And I think both agender and gender non-conformity are on the same path and they have similar core values. They want to blur and merge the boxes together, so that you (not your genitals) decide what you like.
I am not yet content with it because of social pressure and expectations. This strong urge to mask and "play safe". But I'm on my way and I wish everyone who is struggling with gender expression to find their peace and truth with it.
I've been questioning myself a lot lately too. I am AFAB and I'm perfectly fine with being called female since that's a description of the biological parts I have, but I am not super comfortable being called a woman, or lady, ma'am, Ms., etc. I still use she/her pronouns, but if someone called me they/them it wouldn't bother me either. I mostly feel that it's too much work to get everyone to not call me she/her. If asked I would say that I'm within the non-binary spectrum, but mostly it rarely comes up anyway. I choose not to pick a micro category under the non-binary spectrum since I feel that that would be more limiting than anything. I can understand preferring to use the agender or genderqueer terms rather than non-binary as well, since there are also several established stereotypes about non-binary people, and I do not wish to conform to all of those either.
On the other hand, the reason that I'm still questioning is because I can understand the point of view of this video as well, where it would be just as valid to identify as cis but non-conforming. I believe that the sexes are not so different in the end, and people should be able to do what makes them happy. There are those that call themselves feminists but want to reinforce gender roles and increase the differences, which I absolutely cannot understand.
I suppose my disconnect is due to a few different things. There's what I think of as social dysphoria, where I don't like having assumptions made about me based on gender. There is a slight physical dysphoria, in that while I'm not uncomfortable being female, I did fantasize as a kid about being able to switch sexes at will like in a sci-fi. And then there's the mental lack of a strong connection with any gender. I don't even understand what it means to be a man or a woman (rather than a male or female), other than using circular logic and stereotypes.
I saw someone else say on a different video that if you're questioning then you might not be cis, because cis people feel secure in their identity. I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions to this, but it was also food for thought.
@@BrynnthebookwormI don't think that person knows what they are talking about. Why do you have to feel secure in order to be cis? Personal anecdote - I gave always felt uncomfortable with myself. I didnt rigidly conform to gender stereotypes when growing up. I felt that I wished to have been born as a girl. But then later on I realized that I'm just me. Whether I'm male or female it wouldn't change my discomfort about myself.
I was often the only female in college classes 30+ years while getting my computer science degree. Also, I always seemed share more interests with men than most women.
I've always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, though. I'm fine when talking with one person at a time, but when there is a conversation with additional people, I always have trouble joining in and often just remain silent. I've always felt like my brain worked differently from most. Things that were came easy for me were difficult for others and vice versa.
We all took the Meyers Briggs test where I worked over 20 years ago (INTP, for whatever that's worth). My mask (which I attributed to depression at the time) started developing major cracks several years ago after some major personal challenges. So I looked up why I felt too much -- HSP seemed to describe my emotional and physical sensitivities. Now I'm realizing that some of my life-long struggles are likely "high functioning" autism, and, for some reason, it's a bit of a relief.
That makes sense, computer science is typically the domain of the NT personally types.
I think they also have more chance to be neurodivergent.
The 4 letters are not important, the best is to learn our 8 cognitive functions, it’s really how our brain is wired, how we process informations, and explain all our issues in life.
It’s a struggle to be a NT woman sometimes, du to be smarter than the majority.
More at ease in the difficult than on the simple, it’s what is written on my results of the WAIS IV test, for giftedness.
I can empathize with the mask cracking. I left the faith I was raised in around the time that my youngest was struggling with serious mental health issues. And the pandemic was still ongoing. Not showing up for church meetings meant I didn't have to "fake it" and with the stress of helping my teen stay alive each day, it was such a relief to no longer mask. My spouse was really the only adult (besides my grown kids) who I was around, but he definitely noticed the difference. I don't think I realized I had masked around him, apparently for our whole relationship, but I had. I think I have the "highly sensitive person" thing, as well. I work to protect myself from negative energy. It has had devastating effects on me in the past.
yes. Even before I knew I was autistic, I was identifying as "nonconforming female." I love being feminine, but have no desire to track or follow fashion trends. I wear long skirts and corsets because they are comfortable (no fabric bunching around my knees, torso pressure) and would probably wear them if I had a body that others would consider masculine -- I am just fortunate that my body's shape happens to fit with the clothing I enjoy wearing. I crochet and sew and garden because I find those activities to be calming and practical and a creative outlet -- that they happen to fall in the feminine box is convenient, but not why I do them. I cook and love children and animals because acts of service are my love langauge and I crave connection and I did not get all my needs met so am highly motivated to meet the needs of others when I can -- I would do all of this regardless of my physical or gender identity. So many people don't notice the nonconforming aspect of my femininity -- until we have a misunderstanding because I thought they were safe enough to use direct/assertive communication styles with, and they weren't prepared to accept that particular wording/tone from someone with hand-made, ruffled sleves, long skirt, and corset covered with cute puppy dogs. Or until I charge down a group of kids and tell them off for teasing the neighborhood dogs and manage -- all 5-foot-two with pigtails at age 45 of me -- to subdue teens a good foot and a half taller than me with just the force of my presence. Or until I eat two large platefuls of savory foods, not bothering to touch the delicate sweets. Or until I say I'd prefer to go hiking or camping for my honeymoon instead of heading for Paris or a cottage on the beach.
I am female. I am lucky that I happen to be in a body that most people associate with females. I am even more fortunate that the majority of my hobbies and interests are associated with females. But I am the only one who gets to determine what it means for me to be female.
I so enjoyed reading this!
My wife is decidedly female…ADHD and definitely not autistic (I’m the autistic one) and she likes to knit and crochet, and she still collects Barbies and sews clothes for them as well as making miniature furniture. She also loves Star Wars and Star Trek and all sorts of science fiction, and she often gets asked to do hair and makeup for her friends for special occasions. She also enjoys camping and hiking more than going to the beach. I’ve always been curious about how everything works, from computers and machines to psychology and economics, but I was always terrible at sports and grew up in a small Midwestern town where that was life. I actually love all the stuff she does with her Barbies, especially when she altered a couple of them to look like her and me! She used one of my old plaid shirts into a doll shirt and found a dark-haired Ken doll and painted a mustache on him to look like me. She made a miniature picnic table and found stuff that looks like what we use in real life on our cross-country camping trips. She and I neither one of us fully fit all the expected normal gender stuff, but then we do. We have a ton of fun together. I’m so glad we are weird because our life is never boring! Our friends tend to be of a variety as well…
Anyway, you sound like a wonderfully weird person and it was a pleasure reading what you wrote. It’s probably very autistic of me, but I had to share the many wonderfully weird things I love about my missus because you and her sound kind of similar, despite her not being autistic. Life is great when you just enjoy what works for you without judging yourself by other people’s standards.
I think it's wonderful that you chose to like what you like. It took me years to realize that I was missing out by avoiding certain things just because they were stereotypical. For example, avoiding pink because of not wanting to reinforce the stereotype that females like pink. My second husband didn't care what other people thought of him and he enjoyed wearing pink. Not because it was feminine, but because it was a bright color and he didn't care if people thought it was feminine. So I realized that it doesn't make sense for me to avoid pink if I want to wear it. Especially because if I were a man I would feel okay wearing pink because it was fighting the stereotype LOL. So now I'm trying to learn what I like, without regard to the stereotypes.
Thank you for writing this. I’m someone who is also nonconforming, and in a hyper feminine way. I’m maybe more non-age-conforming because I love pastel rainbow, animal ears, large head bows, and baby doll dresses. It’s just nice to see myself reflected in your words, even if our style is a teensy different. I never thought other people experienced the world the way I do until I met the autistic community.🥰
"Man is by nature a social animal." Keep that in mind.
I was the only girl amongst our group of children growing up that loved playing football with the boys instead of playing with the other girls
Me too, but I'm neither homosexual or autistic.
@@lottaohlsson5018If you’re neither homosexual nor autistic, then perhaps you’re simply human. To me, the norms are toxic and harmful, so I don’t care to conform to them. But that doesn’t change anything about who I am or what makes me tick. I just don’t feel beholden to an arbitrary imaginary thing that someone who isn’t me and whom has never met me decided to impose on everyone in the world. That seems stupid to me, and I’m not interested in it. I do feel bad for whoever came up with that kind of thinking, though, because they must have endured some serious pain in their life.
@@babybirdhome Well said. I've always been irritated by the stereotypes and those who feel that people should fit into some arbitrary imaginary pattern.
@@babybirdhome it's really useful for the rulers if your peasants conform to rigid power structures so that they "know their place" and won't attempt to rebel against their rulers.
@@Call-me-Al And corporations absolutely love it if we develop more labels and categories, because then we have to buy more products and services to express ourselves, and they make more money.
That's exactly how I feel. I just never really cared about my gender. I am cis-male, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I like to crochet, watch really cheesy romantic movies, dress up in a way that some men would think to be too feminine, without worrying that I'm stepping out of the box of my gender, because I don't see my gender as a box. I am who I wanna be and I don't care about my gender.
Although I do have to admit, that interacting with other men is more exhausting, because I feel the pressure of being "manly", whatever that may mean. However interacting with women is much more freeing, because I know no one is looking at me weird when I'm talking about crocheting.
Does anyone else feel like that?
YES! this video is an eye-opener. Same, cis-male, always have had a much harder time interacting with other men. Guess we need to mask more when around them, never understood why until now. This has really lifted a big burden from me!
Wow, every video that Paul uploads lately just feels like pieces of puzzles that describe my life 😅🥰
ngl... I hang around queer spaces online a lot and it's kinda refreshing to be part of the ordinary majority for being *just* gay and sometimes playing a little bit into the femme sterotypes without any gender identity struggles attached to it.
I spent my childhood being told I wasn't a proper girl, and I was confused by it because I didn't see why behaving in certain ways and enjoying certain things were only for boys. I never felt I wanted to change my gender, I was always happy being female, but I didn't see why that meant so much of the world was supposed to be closed to me. Since I have learned more about gender identities, I have identified as a gender non conforming cis woman, because I feel that is what I am and always have been, and it doesn't surprise me that this would be more common among autistic people. I still have many traits considered masculine, but I see no reason why that means I am not as female as any other cis woman. It does get received in odd ways. The one I will never forget and which absolutely gobsmacked me at the time was being told I don't dress like a woman, even though I mostly wear skirts and dresses, and only buy clothes sold as women's clothes. This is partly because I have a very definitely female body shape and men's clothes wouldn't work on me well, (trousers are a huge issue even when they are made for women), but also because I prefer them. I feel like somehow or other being perceived as not being dressed like a woman even though I always wear women's clothes is quite a level of gender non conformity.
Why the need to label it? Why not just be you and not worry about why you are different. If a girl likes more masculine things then fine. Why is it such a thing
Hi! In my experience, labels are not meant to put someone "in a box". In fact, society, by means of our peers, family members and community, puts us in a box. Labels become useful aids to step outside the box.
Gender is a great example of a "box" we are placed in from birth. There are many clear expectations but also nuanced norms that may feel inauthentic at best or oppressive at worst. So it is not very helpful to suggest, "pretend the box doesn't exist!" 😂 I hope this small explanation helps. ❤
@@mickcole2763 I can label it if I want to. Not for you to tell me what to do.
@@mattiethemongoose3rd
What makes you feel that Mick Cole was trying to tell you what to do? All I saw was him asking a few questions? (This is not rhetorical, it's a real question)
@@seancooper5140 Simply asking athe question, questioning whether I should label myself, is always a forerunner to telling someone what to do.
I 100% agree. I am female and most of my hobbies are masculine. (Camping, fishing, hiking, reptile keeping, herping home repair, vegetable gardening, shooting guns)I often have people turn to my husband and assume we are there for him…. He always redirects people back to me. I have bought mens shoes because they are more comfortable. I also like being “girly” sometimes but makeup and dresses are only about 5% of what I wear. So little in fact my sons have laughed when I do it… like that is weird. ….. my husband looks very masculine but loves shopping and baking and cooking anything. That seems so normal to me. People should just do what they want without having to fit into a set box.
I think it's wonderful that you like what you like. I think society has the problem, because none of those hobbies have anything to do with male genitalia so there's no reason for them to be labeled as masculine.
It is so great to hear someone say something that has been on my mind for a long time. I remember once saying to my (now ex-) therapist that I was gender non-conforming, and I received an eye roll in response. There’s nothing in the my outward expression that is feminine, except for usually carrying a shoulder bag (something I find very practical), but I was the kid who had no interest in team sports, and wanted to watch birds and catch butterflies. I developed a great interest in the arts. However, I am sexually attracted to women, not men, and also sometimes find myself as the only man in a group of women.
I am a female who has never fit into stereotypical gender norms. I don't want to be male but I don't act, dress, etc like society expects me to as a female. I've hated wearing dresses since my earliest memory of self, I prefer my clothing to either be loose (esp. my tops) or tight (I like leggings at times). I don't care for a lot of bright color (esp pink and yellow). I don't like makeup or fixing my hair....too much work and I don't care how I look. I hate shopping with a passion and I have no patience for much small talk. Thankfully being a Tomboy is somewhat acceptable. I think autistic men have it harder on this particular issue.
I think it's okay to have this kind of experience as a woman too. I'm the same and I personally don't feel the need to change my gender just because I don't fit the sterotypical mold. My existence alone is a proof that all women are individuals and womanhood can exhibit in different ways.
I am a female and was born a female and have autism and i don't disagree with my biological gender, but I am not into all of the girlie feminine stuff that a lot of women are into. I would rather dress comfortably and practically, but still look feminine. I sometimes wear men's clothing, but a lot of clothing is really unisex these days. I am tall and I feel like clothing designers just don't want to make shirts and tops for women long enough to fit me, so I wear men's t-shirts and men's hoodies a lot because they're comfortable and my belly doesn't stick out in them. I am not trying to look masculine whenever I wear them. I just don't want my belly to stick out and i want to be comfortable.
I feel like this is about where I am, too. Cis male and fine with it. There are a lot of "male" things that I just don't have amy interest in. I just try to be comfortable.
Thanks for this video Paul.I am also 100 % cisgender, however I have almost always felt alienated from my own sex.I grew to hate team sports when I was young because I was expected to participate
in football, basketball, baseball and other sports in school.I was uncoordinated and totally unable
to understand the communication that is necessary to be a team player.I was nonaggressive and
almost nonverbal in social situations making me a prime target for bullying from other boys.I also
am more comfortable around women than men probably because of my past experience and also
because of the way my brain is wired.
Yes I was and am the exact same way! I especially hated PE class as well as sports in general and had coordination issues. To this day I hold a strong disdain for competitive sports due to this. When I was bullied by other boys, i never stood up for myself. And yes, I find myself much more at ease with women than other men, I have only 1 male friend and 2 female friends, only one of the female friends do I occasionally hang out with, the other 2 are exclusively online. despite me having known them personally in the past.
@@ariboehm115
I hear you.Most of my friends have been women also.
Same here tbh, we are not alone!
Tho I am a girl, felt the same and got seriously hurt doing any sport. Competition is stupid. I hate sports and even card games
I think I needed this video. I feel like I'm a woman, but then I don't, like I'm doing "woman" wrong or that I'm faking it.
I care about how I look, but comfort is priority, and comfort often means not dressing how I actually want to express.
Yes! I resonate with this so much! I spent a lot of time trying (and failing!) to figure these rules out and follow them but ultimately i think investing energy in maintaining them (as opposed to randomly overlapping with the parameters) causes provable harm to some people, and having more space for everyone’s authentic expression is a beneficial thing, so while i value getting better at certain norms of interaction, I don’t see a reason to prioritize this one.
❤ So much yes! ❤ I was the girl who would climb trees, “fight” with sticks, and stomp through mud to make it splatter. I was also into horses, drawing, and singing.
As an adult, I’m very much cis-het, but I have zero interest in many of the things that usually come with that. I’d rather play computer games or board games than go shopping. I hate gossip. At best, I find romantic comedies boring - at worst, infuriating. I enjoy cooking, and I’m a good cook - but the kitchen WILL look like someone set a pack of wild dogs loose when I’m done. I think ironing clothes is the most epic waste of time and I refuse doing it. I never wanted to have kids. My top interest is (post-)apocalyptic fiction and all of the ways our civilization could theoretically end within my lifetime. I have long, blond hair, but I almost never wear it down because it gets in my face, and I hate that.
Someone finally put it into words! This desire to expand gender norms beyond arbitrary activities or presentations. Glad I'm not the only one
Yea
I am autistic and an AFAB non-binary person. I grew up feeling like I should've been male a lot of the time. And I created a lot of male D&D characters and such over the years. I don't know that I want to be a man with all of society's pressures and expectations, but I know I'm not in the "woman" box, either. I definitely fall in the no-man's-land in between. I didn't so much have gender dysphoria as I have had gender "meh." Until I discovered non-binary. Now I have actual euphoria. I can wear a suit or a dress or whatever I feel like at the time, and I feel like ME.
The idea that authenticity is where it's at is bang on. I agree wholeheartedly with this. Our tendency to focus on who WE are and what WE want as far as expression goes leads us to not conform in so many areas of life. Gender feels in a lot of ways like a performance. Masculine, feminine, whatever it is... it feels performative to me. Authenticity for me is somewhere in that gray space where I'm just me.
Thank you for these thoughts. I appreciate them and was looking forward to this video all day.
This was so insightful! My daughter never doubts her gender, though she so enjoys her male friends and “male” interests when it comes to games and way of communication… and she loves her clothes comfy😊! No dresses, nothing girly!
And at the same time, while others find it strange, she finds it so natural and “normal” and simply true to herself. And her male friends love her so much, they have special place for her and never ever did they comment on it being strange or something weird. It just proves the fact that if we don’t interpret it as strange, kinds are quite able to label it just as they should, and that is that they simply like each other’s company😊. My daughter is diagnosed by me, lets put it like that, but I find your posts so helpful and supportive of this nontypical path we are on as parents. Thank you!
I'm nearing 40, and I'm into all those things like your daughter, and I'm also comfortable in my interests. I thank my parents for that, especially my father. He always wanted to make sure I was independent and confident in "masculine" skills and traits, as well as my feminine side. As a parent, your influence and support can make all the difference, and it sounds like you've done a great job with her. You sound like you're very proud of her for being the way she is, and she'll carry that support in her heart for the rest of her life.
As for my male friends, they seem to appreciate the mix of feminine/masculine that I bring to the table. I've always been "one of the guys," but my gender has never been erased by them either. Quite the opposite, really. Many of them found a confidant in me that they couldn't find elsewhere, and that is another thing that has made me feel comfortable in myself. Good male friends are really great, both when young and later in life.
I just wanted to say one other thing.. I didn't see gender nonconforming in such an open way before, thank you for helping broaden my understanding
Thank you Paul. As a cisgender woman, I had difficulty understanding why women let themselves be tricked into wearing uncomfortable clothes iincluding stockings and high heels and any kind of form fitting dress. I didn't find gossip interesting, I played with the boys, I wore blue jeans and sweatshirts throughout college (saved money), and I was furious that I could not travel the world freely and have adventures the way that men can (men are attacked less frequently). I found nothing interesting about baby dolls - they are fake babies - but I loved little children and real babies. In short, I drove my mother crazy.
More and more I am fairly convinced I am autistic and ADHD. I have been transitioning for 17 months now (MTF) and I identify as a nonbinary transfeminine person. I have always struggled with conformity, but in these past two years I have learned it's okay to not conform to the stereotypes and it's vastly improved my life.
I'm late with this support but I wholeheartedly ageree. we are humans. not steriotypes.
I really like the idea that whatever I do is inherently female simply because I'm doing it. I've been struggling with my femininity for a while now, and that honestly helps a lot. Like, I've been wondering if I'm nonbinary, but I don't think that that's quite right for me. I am a woman, just maybe not the kind of woman my culture expects.
Same.
You can be an AFAB non-binary woman. A demi gender person... Or call it non-conforming. The beauty if it is that it's entirely your call
Add it to the list of “I didn’t know this was the autism.” I went through a couple phases of gnc, one as a teen and one as an adult, where I even tried neutral pronouns and wore masc clothes for a few months, but it didn’t sit quite right. My identity stabilized on “cis but not strongly”. If gender stopped existing tomorrow I would be unbothered, but forced to pick a category to exist in, I think “woman” is easiest for me.
I grew up conforming to gender norms but not in the way my peers did but in the way I saw on TV. I ignored what girls around me in favour of what girls in media did. Girls are supposed to like pink? I love it. Girls on TV wear weird clothes? I'll wear it. Girls on TV burst into random song? I'm bursting. But it was weird for me Cuz I would do things that boys on TV did. Boys on TV have swords? I want a sword. Boys on TV can fight? I can fight? I did things according to cartoons and nothing else Cuz it was my text book for acting like a person but in doing so I was seen as very odd. Even now I do stuff not according to any gender but just Cuz I want to do them and whether it ends up being conformitory or non-conformity as long as I'm doing Cuz I want to that's all I care for.
Hello Tv-character person, is it possible to learn this power. this power of acting like characters on tv
@@arcticpossi_schw1siantuntija42 Honestly not as nice as it sounds Cuz I'd talk in a totally different accent that had no bearing with the place I grew up and I'd behave in a way that had everyone I met asking what country I was from even though I'd never set foot outside of my country😭🤣
I 100% identify with this! Thanks for giving me this word!
I do look like a woman, I often act like women do but there are a lot of female traits that I don't share. I don't mind, I don't care but I notice it. I am very glad to have grown up in a household where gender conformity was never asked of me.
I like not having an overt label bc I like being on the more androgynous side of feminine and my family is very conservative and that makes gender expression difficult to do
THANK YOU! "To expand the limits of what a gender is expected to do" LOVE THIS!
Paul, almost every word in this video resonated, especially to wear only clohes that I find comfortable - which happen to be mostly non-conforming. And to be authentic 100% of the time. Not so much to going with the rest o the room, because I'd be bored out of my mind many times, but if with people of shared interests, what I call 'leading from behind'.
By the time I entered my teens, I was clearly a multi-dimensionally ill-fitting peg into whatever hole my environment tried to fit me. I had language to articulate (privately to myself) that I might be gay, but there was no bag of neurodivergent terms to deal with other aspects of my individuality. Unpacking the whole Mike show-bag has taken nearly half a century (so far), with a lot of it being me as pinata, having society beat the goodies inside out of me at an unending public party.
I hear you Mike. I watched The Jack@$$ movie and can relate when I heard one of the guys say " Why do I always have to be Steve O?" I'm tired of taking it in the shorts. Good news is, I have decided I no longer give a shake what they think of me. I'm over 50 and ready to just be me.
Thanks, Paul. I totally feel the same way. While I was not getting along with females when I was young, I'm nowadays very comfortable among women, and from their response, it seems to be a mutual feeling. It wasn't always easy to exactly figure out how females liked me - and it often turned out to be like being a friend or a brother. Not always the sentiment I wanted. I really don't care much about what is expected from a male socially. This is probably also part of the autistic approach to social conventions. If we don't understand them, why should we follow them? In terms of clothes, I rather dress neutrally. Clothes have to be comfortable. I'm not aggressive or dominant. This type of non-conformity is also often something I seek in peers or potential partners. It's simply more interesting.
Great video, thank you. A lot of my life I've felt I'm 'too much' for others, as a woman, whereas if I were a man, I'd be more accepted for having strong opinions, being quite blunt etc. I am cisgender but have never considered myself particularly 'feminine", although I dress in "female' clothes a lot of the time.
This really resonates with me. I just discovered your channel after deliberately looking for autistic TH-camrs in an effort to help me figure out if I might also be autistic. I'm very much at the start of that journey and maybe I'm not, but regardless, I love this video. I grew up being told I'm a girl (never really questioned that - didn't feel any sense of gender, but understood that I had a girl body), and that girls are like X, that girls enjoy Y, and that girls do Z, etc. And so many of those things were things that I didn't relate to, so I vehemently rejected it and didn't like that it seemed people were saying/assuming untrue things about me and discouraging me from the activities and traits that I wanted for myself. I was angry and offended as an 8 year old. Gender is always being perceived/interpreted by others, so it was always being brought up by other people, I always felt challenged, and I ended up feeling like I had something to prove to even be allowed to exist. I've gotten past the "something to prove" bit and just do/wear/be what I want for the most part, but damn that was an obstacle course. Nowadays when asked for pronouns, I say she/they because I acknowledge I am/look like a woman, but I also just don't feel any gender identity. It was really weird to me learning that other people do feel like a gender. I don't feel like a woman (or otherwise), but it's convenient to call myself a woman for the sake of communication, so I continue to do so.
As a kid, I demanded to play the piano (romantic classical music), and also did gardening--both things boys weren't supposed to do. I didn't really care, or even think about it. Some of my other interests--like chemistry were more "male," but that didn't mean anything to me either. Some of my interests were flat-out weird--like obsessions with the chemical bromine, and moonflower plants. I didn't feel any need to apologize for that either. If someone couldn't see the inherent fascination of a poisonous orange gas like bromine, well, that was THEIR problem!
Yes, definitely. Not only clearly non-binary, but mostly a very different approach, in that I don’t feel drawn to express either, more being me means being compassionate to my privacy of feeling.
Yes. Late diagnosed 3 years ago at 56yo. Bought up in a rural town inn the 1970s. Did not feel stereotypically the rural town masculine image. Was confused about it most of my life. Definitely see myself as male
Stereotypes in rural areas can definitely be difficult to reconcile in an autistic brain.
Cisgender white female. Never was the girlie type, never wanted to have babies, preferred jeans and t-shirts and boots (waffle stomper type hiking boots). Played with dolls, but it wasn't tea parties - kids work out stuff through play and I worked out a lot of stuff that way. Never played dress-up. Heterosexual but wasn't "boy crazy" and couldn't stand girls who were - and never understood why boys liked them. The superficiality and flirtiness was anathema to me. Hated makeup/nail polish. Hated dresses, panty hose, refused to wear heels. Got really angry and hateful when forced to wear a dress and hose (to church, usually, and don't get me started on church). Hyper sensitive to smells so perfume/hair spray etc. grossed me out. I won't even clean with Lysol. Was always feeling the pressure to conform, to be "feminine" and I just had no interest in that and actively had to fight it on many occasions. So, it's been a lifelong game of battle chess to express myself as I damn well choose, and it's gotten easier over time. At almost-55 I've long been able to do just that for many years.
I think gender nonconformity is so common with autism not only because autistic folk don't care for social standards that much, but also because gender expectations are often sensory nightmares. Girls are expected to be quiet and stay still and wear uncomfortable clothing, makeup, and strong perfumes. Boys are expected to thrive with loud noises, dirt, wood, and other sensory inputs autistic people usually aren't fond of. Our world truly isn't built for autistic people when two social groups commonly considered to be opposite are still both screwing over autistic folk in very similar ways.
You absolutely nailed how I think and feel about myself. Need to be authentic more important than conforming. What I like or feel comfortable with is more important than fitting in. Don’t like the neuro typical ‘small talk’ of either genders. I prefer to follow my passionate interests with those who share them.
I love all different aesthetics. My go to especially lately finds me in the men's section simply because I love BAGGY clothing and loose t-shirts. Always loved it as a kid too
We all just want the freedom to be ourselves! Imagine if humans were sophisticated enough to not rely on stereotypes, but to see people for who they are rather than forcing them into categories? Autism has so much to teach us about authenticity.
This. I've always seen social rules like those assigned to genders, ages, class etc as an irrelevance and an annoyance, and I've always been confused when people care about things like 'if you have this anatomy you must wear fabric on your body in this shape' and 'if it has been x number of minutes since you were born you must or must not openly show y personality trait'. I always felt male on the inside but that I felt like being physically female also fits, but dressing stereotypically female is horrible. I don't own a dress. I don't know when I last did. And I never saw it as an autistic thing, but I've only realised that I'm on the spectrum in the past few years, and the authenticity of seeing gender stereotypes (or other group stereotypes) makes so much sense now. Thank you for talking about this.
All of this rings so true to how I am. I've always felt comfortable calling myself a girl and a woman, totally cis, but my interests were never typically girly: dinosaurs, history, writing, really obscure genres of rock and folk music among others. At the same time I've had the same practical bobbed hairstyle since I was a toddler, it's my 'coupe' and it always will be, and I never bothered with makeup or jewellery because it gets in my way or smears out, and it's just one more thing taking up mental space when the morning routine is chaotic enough as it is. I do like dresses though, understated single color linen things, mostly. As far as relating to guys, look, autism is a lonely thing, and anyone who wants to shoot the shit with me; young, old, men, women, nonbinary, I don't care, whoever is willing to talk to me, I'll talk to.
As someone who is questioning both my gender and whether or not I'm neurodivergent, I grew up liking to wear jeans and sneakers and t-shirts more than anything else, and putting myself in anything overly feminine felt wrong. In more recent years, though, I've found ways to dress and present as feminine that genuinely make me happy, and that's nice! As long as I feel comfortable, like how I look, and generally just feel like myself, that's more important to me than what other people think most of the time.
The one time I ever really hung up over gender is when it comes to shoes, but that's because I have pretty big feet and feel forced to look for men's shoes (assuming I'm in an actual shoe store) because most women's shoes don't fit me. I want to be able to freely pick from either section if I choose, and that's why I really don't like shoe shopping in person. It feels like that option is ripped away from me.
I think I have a very similar experience with my clothes preferences, jeans and t-shirts (loose ones usually). As a kid I went to church so I'd have to wear dresses then but wasn't a fan. I did go through a phase where I wore dresses and skirts some in high school but mostly I wear more unisex clothes. I also came to find some feminine stuff that suited me
I feel for u about the shoes. I also hate shoe shopping but not for the same reason, just don't want to take the time to find the right pair that I'm really going to love
I identify as a woman, and that was my gender assigned at birth. As a kid, most of my friends were boys or other girls who were also tomboys. I also lived in jeans and t-shirts, except for church attendance. I was mistaken for a boy frequently before I hit puberty because I also had short haircuts. I played with dump trucks, made paper airplanes, and shot bb guns with my best friend, but also knitted, crocheted, embroidered, and sewed at home. I took shop instead of home ec in high school and majored in engineering at college, mostly because I was good at math and science. I worked in food service and on a large farm driving tractors to pay for college. I didn't find out I'm likely autistic until one of my kids suspected that they were and were tested last year. I'm 52. I really struggled to see the distinction that people would put on what was a "girl thing" to do and what was a "boy thing" to do. I feel like gender is only one of the many areas in which I'm non- conforming. Like Paul in the video says, it's comfortable to be the odd one out when you already know you won't fit in.
I feel the shoe thing though for the opposit reason I'm a size bellow what most stores cary so I'm stuck with strategic sock folding or leaving empty handed online isn't much better. Shoe shopping is the worst
@@heedmydemands I had to do the dresses for church thing as well, and yeah, that wasn't great. I currently live in a very warm climate, so I almost exclusively wear either sundresses or shorts + tank tops now. I've come to discover that I feel nice in dresses that are really flowy.
I was first diagnosed with ADHD 19 years ago. I realized I'm nonbinary about the same time I found out I'm autistic, around 7 or 8 years ago. They were two very distinct discoveries because I was feeling too dysphoric as well as desperate trying to manage my ADHD. My therapist and my psychiatrist took it very well my transness, but my doctor refused to believe I was autistic, to the point he even refused to investigate. One day I had a meltdown in a session with him and he told me i was being "dramatic" so I never came back.
When I started joining autistic communities on facebook, back in 2015 or so, I was balled to see how many of them were nonbnary as well. That was a very telling momment for me.
I don't think it would be reasonable to expect anyone to fit our exaggerated stereotypes of men and women to the t, so this whole enby thing to me is simultaneously "of course you don't fit stereotypes, the vast majority of people don't, you might just not have noticed" and "it's silly to pretend you'd be not a man or a woman for being like the vast majority of people and not fitting the stereotypes, rejection of stereotypes is not a gender, it's philosophy"
I’m enby, autistic, and ADHD as well as blind. I’ve always been attracted to hobbies and such that have traditionally been considered “feminine”, I’m not physically strong or muscular, etc. I’ve been diagnosed with an**exia, which isn’t really seen as a guy thing, and more. I don’t care anymore. I am how I am, and have made friends who believe in me and my goals.
I really enjoyed this! I'm nonbinary and currently feeling out if I'm autistic, and it's always cool to see how neurodivergence and sexuality/gender divergence interrelate! Back when I regularly attended a trans/nonbinary/ally support group a huge amount of the conversation would revolve around the many cool different ways we all thought about gender. One of the things I enjoyed most was getting to hear different people talking through how they experience and relate to gender from a wide variety of different gender identities (nonbinary people, agender people, binary trans people, people who were questioning their gender but unsure, cis people [of a variety of dispositions with regard to their gender and gender in general], etc.) and perspectives. It was often an exciting and intersectional phenomenological/experiential/empirical romp, and I think contributed to a variety of metacognitive tools that have in turn been really useful as I've been looking more into ASD.
I love doing a little of the ol' gender thought. Sometimes it helps me understand an interaction I had better, or gives me helpful context for how I feel about something.
Thanks for a delightful video ^.^
It all goes down to sex, and by sex I mean real sex. Not those stories we tell ourselves to feel better. It's not going to work. All those people are delusional. Just give them few years they'll destroy themselves one way or another. Get out while you can.
@@mirianakovachevic748 For what it's worth, I've been out for at least a few years and still having a pretty great time with it!
But also I am guessing your reply was not coming from a place of like, earnest thoughtful engagement so maybe me responding was silly!
later :)
In recent years, I’ve determined that I’m likely autistic. I am a man. I’m also gay. My behaviours align very much with those of autistic women, rather than autistic men. For example, I’m more interested in people rather than objects and I’m very good at masking. Has anyone had a similar experience, or know of someone who has?
Yes - you've just described me!
I went down a similar route. However, the stories differ slightly. I was born male and have been transitioning since early adulthood, I'm female attracted (wlw). All of my autistic traits culminated into a more 'feminine' type of autism that you describe. My first serious relationship was with someone who was born female and her traits of autism more closely connected to what is normally found in masculine or cis male autistic individuals. TLDR I have always been especially good at masking and hyper focus on individuals more often than not, I was born male. All of my partners since have coincidentally also had autism.
@@reybutsquishy what's masking?
I'm an autistic female and I am way more interested in animals and objects but I love people too! But animals and objects are so freaking calming to me
I have watched many videos on the "female" traits of autism. On most of them at least one man will comment that he fits in better with the "female" characteristics. Some women also fit in better with the "male" traits.
I saw a video where they did brain scans on autistic boys and girls of elementary school age. Eighty percent had brain scans similar to their sex. Twenty percent had scans similar to the opposite sex.This could be related.
I know I dont lol. I've always been a bit of a sensitive boy growing up, and wasn't the most traditionally masculine guy out there. I find it easier to get along with women than men, and people told me that im too sensitive, emotional, goofy, I act like a girl.
I also was raised by the opposite gender and influenced by them for most of my life, so that plays a big role into it.
I had lots of female friends/aquaintances from the majority of the enviornments I was in, and I somehow always befriend the girls.
I still had masculine interests such as cars, building things etc.
I 100% relate to being the only man in a group of women, even in the online communities and youtube communities im a part of this is always the case lol!
when i originally clicked on this video, i honestly did not expect it to be this relatable. ive always believed in the 'Harm principle' - people should be free to act however they wish (legally and judgment free) unless their actions cause harm to somebody else or prevents them from doing the same.
I have started to be more vocal about the fact that I identify as non-binary or gender fluid... but gender non-conforming fits me as well. I am not cisgender, and have known that since my teens - though I am by no means transgender. Similar to you Paul, I fit many social stereotypes that a woman is supposed to, but it's all surface really.
I'm so very grateful for this video, because it's yet another of your vids that I can add to my toolbox to share with folks when I need to share a resource to help them understand me. Your video with Barb Cook was what made me realise that my "ADHD with extra quirkiness" was really AuDHD, so thank you. 💖💖💖💖💖💖
Cisgender woman, I prefer confortable and practical clothes, which make totally sense for an INTJ personality type. I never really care if people are boy or girl, we are all different and unique for me. I just wear what I want (mostly black pants and hoodies, sometimes I like bright colors and original things) My style when I was adolescent : skater, metal, rock. The most important is I fit to myself.
I was often the lonely girl with boys at parties in my 20´s, their conversations are more interesting.
Weird thing, I need to have in part of my hair blue, green, purple or pink to feel myself.
It's a male thing, because it's me. YES! SO TRUE!
I'm a cisgender woman and I consider the things I do, wear etc etc as female because I do them, I wear them, whatever, and I'm female. (I have never had an interest in clothes, makeup, handbags, shoes, parties, flirting - despite my mum being on the verge on nagging me to..... but I would never consider myself less of a woman because I don't have those intrerests)
I've never been able to find anyone who understands this about me until now. I've worked in fully male dominated industries, had many masculine interests and hobbies and my main friend group has always been male, but I also am equally in touch with my feminine side, hobbies and even careers. [Although I admit, I have a very difficult time befriending other women.] All in all, I really just go with whatever I'm feeling or interested in and I've always just considered this an innate thing about myself. I am only just learning in the past few weeks that I am Autistic, though I've suspected it for a few years. I've definitely struggled with autistic imposter syndrome, but after stumbling across this channel, things have never made more sense in my life, and I'm grateful for You the work you put into this. It's changed my life in the most miraculous ways. Thank You!
Honestly, I feel like an alien on this weird rock that we’re all floating on. Recently, I’ve discovered that I’m non-binary and gay (hence the pfp) and I feel like the more I dress myself the way I want to, without any restrictions, I feel like my ADHD in particular seems to be much more under control. When I was a kid, I always had a brace on, and I had to wear certain pants in order to conform to my brace. And once I got the green light that I could walk without my big brace (I still have an ankle brace), that’s when I started to question who I really was. Bc I looked at myself as only disabled. As sad as that sounds, it’s true and I’m still trying to unlearn those negative thought patterns that’ve been embedded in my brain from my surroundings. And as soon as I discovered that I can wear baggy pants, my world turned upside down!! Even for shirts; even tho shirts have nothing to do with leg braces, I had much more freedom to decide what I want. But also that made my mornings more stressful, too. Anyways, sorry for the rant; I just like how you took the time to address this topic. ☺️
I found something similar when I left my career to raise my kids. I had always worn button down shirts because that's what I thought was business attire. Now when I dress up for a meeting of some kind, no button down shirts are involved. I was able to leave that behind somehow. I'm glad you are able to look at yourself with a broader scope now. ❤
As a bearded man who wears a dress it often feels I need to adopt the label of non-binary and I do. This is more to appease and give a heads up to people because for NTs a man who wears a dress cannot be a man. It is also useful for instance to have these labels on a job interview for example that gives the hirer a heads up. I am struggling with this as to what label to choose but is really is only for societies benefit. I too like the term gender non conformity. Another term I came across is gender enforcement. This term resonated with me in the way that frustrates me. Why is it that a man "cannot" wear a dress. I could go on a rant here but I will leave it there. When it comes to why I wear a dress it is equal parts comfort and style. Another term I came across recently is Autistic Glimmer. For me wearing a dress and certain parts of feminine clothing / accessories just brings me so much joy. Being my authentic self is indescribable. There are times I am not able to be my authentic self and it took me many years to firstly discover this in myself (35+ years of internalised transphobia) and then decide it was something I needed.
I'm a cisgender woman. Gender stereotypes have seldom helped me (cops are a bit less defensive), and often enough hurt me. I was never able to turn it to my advantage like some NTs I've witnessed who can fake cry, pretend to be helpless, or feign sexual interest in a man to wrangle a discount.
I have been criticized for being "too harsh" or "too cold" in my professional communication, but ONLY AFTER someone found out I was a woman. Years prior, when they assumed I was a man my communication was praised for directness and clarity.
Interesting!
Exactly my experience. Women can't be assertive in the eyes of society and we are called bitches and cold and other names.
I dress for comfort and practicality, I do refer to myself when asked as gender non-conformist but mostly it is a clothing thing and an anti 'cultural noise/gender stereotype' thing.
Yep, yep, yep. There were many times in school when kids were asked to describe themselves, or list ten things about themselves, and it always surprised the child-me that other kids would put "girl" or "boy" at the top of their list. Half the people in the world were each of those things, so that didn't really give much description, right? It took years for me to begin to understand the big pile of information that people think they are offering just by revealing their sex. I'm still often confused by the things that people assume are gender-related. I'm just me: a CIS female who favors hoodies and jeans, and who has never had the patience for (or interest in) either make-up or fashion. I've had to accept it that I make many people uncomfortable because I do not conform to their gender role constructs.
I'm a cis-man and that's the first time I hear someone talk about that. It cannot be more true for me. For some reason, my entire life, people seemed to put me in another bucket.
It is much easier to not give weight to what most folks expect, because we don't know. Quite comfortable with my birth gender - found when young that other "options" did not appeal to me. Plus, well, I had some negative experiences. In most areas, though, I just found myself doing what I wanted, regardless of what others were doing! Never knitted, but so much of what you are saying is similar to my experiences! Foreigner Strategy is a great tool! Great video and thanks for avoiding politics!
I love the way you have framed this - it explains my position exactly. I have always felt that my particular expression of gender non-conformity is a freedom. Occasionally I have encountered people who 'push back' and really take exception to it, feeling it is their duty to tell me exactly how I'm 'doing it wrong' but it doesn't bother me. I'm not living my life for anyone else. :)
I feel the same.
Absolutely! Well said.
I was just writing this morning about why I have a need for being right or a need for others to appreciate my interests. There are some answers in here for me. I do have a strong commitment to not conforming. I also crave unity. Together that makes a thick under realized need for others to value my interests. Paul, your timing seems perfect for me. Your videos appear on my screen randomly, but they're always a gift in perfect timing.
I am so autistic that I don't care. For all I know, I might be a fungi.
That's hilarious lol
🍄🤭
After I once got a crisis about what it means to be female I choose the variation of: gender is a social construct and I will ignore it. Since then I stopped carrying about what a gender is and what mine is
Thank you for making this video, Paul. I don’t usually do this, but I want to point you to a video I made a few years ago, “Stylist knows best 💁🏻♂️ | Sims 4 CAS” as I break down my experiences of gender in that video. I too have experienced the social pressures to be the masculine stereotype, felt that awkward unease that I am not being authentic, and have gradually become more accepting of the man that I am. You will also be interested in the work of the Australian sociologist, Raewyn Connell, as she talks about hegemonic masculinity and how all males deviate from this to a certain degree, but that it it those who stray too far who face social consequences.
good that you make a distinction with not identifying with your assigned gender and not feeling the need to conform to its stereotypes
As an autistic cis girly collection of anxiety disorders in a woman suit I've never felt like the outsider with men more than women maybe because I'm on the bi side of gay, or I just find all non autistics equally weird. I've been an autistic person magnet socialy my entire life it's why I started wondering about me. But this is reinforcing my certainty my mother was also Autistic . Sadly she is dead so geting her diagnosed isn't an option it could have really helped her.
Gender is an "ad populum dragon".
Its description depends just and only on who you asked, because there is nothing in reality showing its existence in any way, just like dragons.
Anytime, every time, anyone tries to rebut this fact, they will either end up realizing that only sex exists (fertilizer and egg-producer for all mammals) or will put up an emotional response and refute to continue the conversation.
I've always thought the idea that there are separate "genders" is silly, as "genders" just describe behaviors anyone can have. To me there's just Gender, everyone has it, and everyone identifies with it differently.
@@theautisticguitarist7560 That's called "being an individual".
I agree. Gender is nothing real.
But then sometimes I get unsure and think, if there are so many people seeing something that I can't see, maybe it's my fault and not theirs...
I pretty much agree but I'm very much afraid of being targeted for discussing it openly, so I avoid doing so. I'm officially past the point of reproducing and I never did reproduce. So I really don't see why it matters so much to society. Millions of people can believe in something yet it can still be inaccurate/unreal. However, I'm not going to go around being rude and telling them that I disagree with their beliefs. I think we should Live and Let Live as much as possible.
@@ZoeMagnes The problem with "Live and Let Live" is that it's usually said to people that are actually making things better by those which either don't want to change or want to make things worse.
Anyways, the important factor for evolution is an healthy and varied population, this is why altho there are trends in the sexes and not all reproduce, humanity is still going strong.
This is the same reason why ants and other animals with societies like that can be healthy altho just a few individuals reproduce.
I think focusing on what you want for yourself as long as it doesn't hurt anybody is a mighty goal, and especially if by being yourself with confidence you can also show other people that they don't have to sit in 'their' box. More people like us, please!
I am so delighted to know that Paul is a knitter!
Gender non-conformity appeared for me from middle school until this current moment. This means that it was in the '60s up until now! Also being much older than many people in this group doesn't matter. Except that I was alive and kicking when stereotypes were being challenged about everything! Now, this issue is growing again, thank goodness. Workplace norms are whatever they are and as a professional in the school system, I was able to wear more casual clothes at work than people in an office. Most teachers I knew did not wear high heels or nylons and our clothes had to fit the activities with kids. The way we were -started from the '50s - personally, I experience autistic people as the Truthsayers in society. Be yourself. Even Socrates said, "Know Thyself" and "Just be" - be your own "Norm" - thank goodness my 40-year-old daughter, and Paul, and the people in this group know that "normal" is way over-rated and that in a sense normal doesn't even exist.
An interesting topic you brought up. I've actually always liked labels as a tool used for self-identification, and not for imposing rules and stereotypes upon others. It's just easier sometimes to use one common label instead of a long-winded explanation of all applicable features and nuances. But I suppose that I didn't mind them because it never occured to me that someone would expect me to follow *all* the rules or meet *all* the criteria that a certain label implies. It just seemed so wild a thing to expect from someone - meaning, every living creature is unique, and it's logically impossible for everyone to tick all the boxes in the list of common features of a gross category... Which is probably a very autistic thing to think, and looking back, I often realize that some people might have expected me to do x, y and z, or behave in certain way because I am a woman, but I didn't - simply because I couldn't come up with any reasonable excuse for doing things that I'm not comfortable with or relinquishing things that I love based solely on belonging to a certain category. So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I also think that there's nothing wrong with using common labels - if you keep in mind that neither you nor anyone else should be 100% what this label implies 100% of time. They are supposed to be used for convenience, and not for oppression.
❤️❤️❤️
Something i say frequently is, "Box? .. What box?" I generally apply the expression during creative problem solving. I saw this as a Balanced Left-Brain Right-Brain thing. But now recognizing this as an autistic trait, it certainly makes sense!
Comfort, convenience, and practicality often take precedent over conformity.
I think I fit the description "cisgender female." There are too many new expressions about gender types that I forget which means what, and I have to let context remind me.
I used to do the wearing makeup and carrying a purse thing regularly, but I've given it up for most of my daily activities. Purses are cumbersome. I'd much rather slip a wallet into a pocket and be on my way.... That is, of course, if I can find women's clothing equipped with adequate pockets! Sometimes I feel compelled to dab a spot of concealer over a blemish, and that's usually enough. Yet when I am going to be presenting or performing on stage or video, I'll add eyeliner and lipstick. I have a naturally pale skin tone; adding some color helps when going on screen and stage.
I like having my hair long enough for "Princess Leia" styles, but for everyday purposes it tends to get in the way, so I frequently have it simply braided or gathered into a bun.
Clothing: I prefer the Fit And Flare style. Yes, it's fine to let onlookers observe that have a waistline, and i have hips too, but I'm not compelled to show my entire shape. I don't like pants that feel stuck to my skin all the way down to my ankles, unless they're leggings which I would typically wear for exercise class or lounging at home or as an added layer of insulation under my regular clothes during cold weather. I don't like short skirts or low necklines. High heels?? I'd rather not! I prefer to keep my ankles intact, TYVM.
If something that's "expected" of me because of gender types (boxes), but I find it doesn't suit me, I'd much rather feel comfortable just being myself. (The all-inclusive "You") don't have to like the way I do things, but I do.
🤪🙃 Lots of Love to all the other Delightful Weirdos out there. 🤗 Stay Genuine.
I totally enjoyed knitting, crochet, tapestry and embroidery as a boy and a young man! They are really soothing pastimes for autistic peeps given the repetitive movements involved.
I always feel like gender is something unnecessary and modern world is a strange place to live for me, and when I was younger I often imagine myself on some futuristic planet with my cool alien friends who don't care about boring stuff like gender and who share my "stupid" interests :')
(but for now i have found a lot of friends on this particular planet 🙂👍)
You're not alone in this thinking. I think that using gender as a descriptor functions like a pretty inaccurate mental shortcut for understanding who someone is. For example, if I said I'm a woman, what does that *actually* communicate to you accurately? That I exhibit a certain set of beliefs and behaviors? That I've had certain experiences? What I look like? What I'm into? Whether you should be attracted to me or not? What role I'm serving in society, my family, my workplace, etc.?
And the answer to every single one of those is a big, fat "maybe"! Gender is so ill-defined and subjective that I think it's a useless descriptor. It's all about assumptions and stereotypes, it doesn't accurately and consistently communicate information about oneself. I hope that in the future, we don't use pronouns that are tied to gender because their very existence perpetuates those stereotyped categories. I don't want pronouns to be tied to sex either because that's super bizzare. Imagine if pronouns were tied to your ethnicity or the musical instrument you played? That would be weird info to convey every time someone addresses you in the third person. 😂 I think a single pronoun for talking about any human in the third person would be a good replacement.
@@endogladry totally agree...
honestly, I can understand why nowadays he/she pronounce is fine for the vast majority of people, and sex matters - because we are living in a pretty sexist world still :'< Butttt...
I can't help but thinking - every time someone explaining to me that it's important thing for human communication in general - why type of my genetals is even your business? 🤨
I relate. I don't want other people treating me "as a woman" in either a positive or negative way. I don't want to be treated differently based on my gender. Just like I don't want to be treated differently based on my age or physical abilities or "race." I'm not saying we shouldn't research these categories scientifically when it makes sense to do so, but I would prefer people not to make assumptions about me based on my appearance or behavior. That seems unlikely to change anytime soon, however.
I am autistic and I was raised by a single mom. While I think of myself as masculine (and stoic) I did inherit some personality qualities from my mom. Does having a lot of "female influence" make me more feminine, atleast in a secondary way? Like maybe I might say or do something in a way, only women would?
One major thing is, I never got into "rough play" or fighting. I just do not see how getting into fights, would work into my day to day life. I would think I am being more masculine by using logic to think things through and not get carried away by emotions. But thinking about it harder, I always saw "aggressive male behavior" ( fights, playing contact sports, even just being rude to people in a blunt way) as "thuggish behavior" and since I see myself as an intellectual, I thought myself as above that silliness. But I am sure guys see my behavior as strange, oh well.
I don't know about that. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but what you describe is a very masculine, but modern man. Stoic is a masculine ideal of being able to suppress that testosterone-fueled anger and chest-thumping. Like a MORE masculine version, so to speak. Someone strong enough to overcome that emotional and dangerous side. Being an intellectual is a highly valued trait, at least as an adult. Not being afraid of feminine traits is modern, and in my country (Norway) it's expected.
I don't know if you've ever heard of this "test." It's a stupid women's magazine thing, but it's interesting in a way. If a woman asks her partner to hold her very feminine-looking bag while they're out shopping, that means he's secure in his masculinity. Being yourself, feminine traits included, is pure strength. I don't think your mother's feminine influence made you more feminine, but it may have helped you get in touch with your feminine traits. That's a good thing, and I think it can be especially helpful for men on the spectrum.
I know you're not asking for advice, but I'll be forward enough to give it anyway: Embrace it. What she gave you is valuable. I don't know what those traits are, but even things like hand movements can help with simple mirroring around women, and mirroring helps build an emotional connection. If it's caring traits, or being more aware of your feelings, that's extremely valuable when you deal with anyone, and for your own mental health. If it's practical, like taking an interest in traditionally feminine activities, those are skills, and you should value them as much as anything else you're good at.
That turned out longer than I thought, but I've talked to so many intellectual men who feel like they don't quite fit the masculine ideal, even though they do.
@@JWildberry thank you for the message.
What you said about the "test" I am aware of this idea, the thing is, I just do not have much patience for navigating all the hoops of social interaction. On a good day, I can "mask" and be social, but I am sure most people pick up on that I am putting on an act. Their reaction depends on how patient they are with my social quirks. On a bad day, I have no desire to socialize. On days like that I take long walks, hours long by myself, get a coffee, sit in my car and listen to podcasts.
warning, a long rant ahead, where I ramble about 2 past relationships I had with women.
In college, I knew this one woman. I am from a more working class background she came from a more upper class background. The long story short was, she found me boring ( she had traveled and had done more fun stuff in her life) and I found her to be snobbish. The relationship never had much of a leg to stand on. If my autism does not make social interaction tough enough, then imagine someone who came from a different walk of life?
When I was in my late 20s, I was living in an apartment and my neighbor was a 40 something woman. I think she got tired of me not making a move on her, so she would invite me over. It would start with some topic of conversation, then she would offer to rub my back. I got a bit nervous, because I was not used to women being this forward. Then I had to remember that it was not as if she intended to cause me physical harm.
all that being said, I like this channel. I try to respond to messages within a day.
take care
@drop_messages6226 I get a lot of my Mom’s personality.
@@joeypleasants4014 Yes, we inherit parts of our parents personality.
For example, I like going off on trips, by myself. I could go on a road trip, go explore national parks or small towns by myself. and guess what, "going on adventures" was something my mom did.
It makes you realize, as people, we are more than individuals, we pick up bits of personality from our parents and mentors.
During therapy I found out my highest value I hold is authenticity so that's spot on. I've actually called the last few years my "quest for authenticity" so I find it fascinating you brought this up. And really I didn't like the idea of labels. I did end up transitioning in the end, but even that didn't compel me to choose a label for half my life. I didn't want it. It weighed down my options and I didn't like it. Eventually with that mentality I did have some solid talks with another autistic friend of mine and a few other people and allowed myself to adopt the nonbinary label, but that doesn't mean everyone has to. My reality was simply that I wanted that openness and freedom. For me it was "choosing not to choose" in a way. That's not to say this will be everyone's experience, far from it, but it's been a weird journey for me where I just needed freedom in a whole where everyone wants to label everything, so I embraced that in the end. Anyway, just found that the authenticity bit was absolutely spot on, and while I came to a different conclusion/label, for me I was similarity motivated by the "freedom" and lack of commitment it allowed. Thanks for your wonderful videos as always.
I am a woman who was encouraged by my mother. She told me that anything I say, think, or do is what a girl does, because I was a girl, and to be female was intrinsically glorious. The world was open to me, and there was no need to pay attention to people who tried to put me in a box. So, reading science fiction in the magnolia tree in my front yard, or building an am radio with my dad, or hanging the one Barbie someone had given me while I was practicing how to tie a noose, or loving pleated skirts and patent leather shoes, was all fully female. Everyone else was stupid. This still works for me. My uncle did needlepoint, by the way.
I'm mostly a woman and have the physical attributes to match but in some ways I am more masculine then feminine and I definitely fit in better with boys but as an outsider like you said.
Very Me-This makes perfect sense to how I have always felt & been throughout my entire life starting as far back as I can remember! Interesting!
I’m cis-gender female, and I relate to your experience a lot. I have some traits that my family defines as male traits, don’t have some female traits that seem very important to the females in my life, and I also mask some of my more female stereotypical traits. It irritated me a lot growing up since I never seemed to fit any gender properly. Nowadays in casual settings I often refer to myself as “she/her [gender neutral]” because that’s what I’m comfortable with.
I definitely agree with everything you're saying here! What's really interesting to me is that I feel the same way about not conforming to gender stereotypes, and yet instead of concluding that feminine labels (I'm AFAB) are what I feel like represent me, I realized that gender as a concept just doesn't really work for me BECAUSE of everything you're describing. Sometimes I want to dress up all girly and put makeup on, but only for a little while, and then I would rather be wearing something soft and formless again. I haven't really cared to find the perfect label but it's more of sense that I, as a neurodivergent person, often feel like I stand at the outside edge of the crowd and observe all the social dynamics and see how performative so much of it all is. I, myself, feel rather alienated from the concept of certain traits (liking pretty and cute and soft things, being nurturing and kind, etc) grouping together would mean that I am a woman in the way a cis-gender person might identify with their gender. People often say that they can't really actually describe the feeling of their gender, but from what I can tell, most of the time I have no gender. I simply don't have that as a category/attribute that applies to me. It's so interesting that humans can experience the same general conditions and perceive/relate to them to differently from one another! I definitely appreciate you making a video about this, it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in the way I feel about gender (even though in the end I've just decided to forgo the concept entirely).