No one but a scapegoated child understands this insidious abuse meted out by the ugliness of narcissism . Thanks for speaking of it - it is much appreciated .
Finally. It has a name. I searched my whole life for the answer to why my voice as an artist was/is stifled and fleeting. I was "judged out" of having a voice right from the beginning.
As a little girl I adored singing, I had a powerful voice and becoming a singer was one of my childhood dreams... Then as a grown up I often wondered where my voice had gone. I often felt my throat was blocked and it was very difficult not only to sing but also to speak. My shyness, my social anxiety manifested not only in front of strangers. No, my perception of feeling blocked, voiceless, confused, stupid, occurred mostly when I visited my narc family. My mother would talk endlessly about herself, and I felt speechless and invisible all the time. When I was with my father I had to be very, very careful not only paying attention to what I said but also of the words I chose. I enjoy learning and reading, but had to constantly control my vocabulary not to provoke him. He was less educated than me so if accidentally I used a word, even a common one, that he didn't know, he would feel offended, disrespected, and become violent, emotionally abusive and insult me ... There were times when he listened attentively and then mock me cynically, so to avoid being attacked, criticized and hurt, in the end I slowly became silent, listened but talked as little as possible, keeping a low profile. On the other side their GC son could talk all the time, making up things about himself that both parents believed in. I think that that spontaneous and carefree part of me, at least what I remember my child self used to be, withered and dried because of the way I was treated. So sad I allowed that to happen to myself and I didn't leave them earlier.
I know too well what you mean!! I carried all that abuse, criticism and shame until pretty recently, I could not get rid of the terrible sadness, guilt, shame and the feeling of 'being defective' and 'not worthy of being on the planet' every waking moment. What did I do with such emotions?? The only thing I could do (consciously or otherwise) ....I took all the abuse of the entire narcissistic family and continued it....by abusing myself, beginning in childhood!! Y💔💔💔❤️❤️❤️😢🌹🙏🙏xx
I wasn’t allowed to talk in my family, even making conversation with anyone I’d be screamed at to STFU. I’ve got serious problems now with social skills and interaction and automatically clam up. Lack of practice and experience I wonder if I’m schizoid or have a pragmatic disorder.
I lived in extreme fear of being abandoned to the outside world by my family when I was a preteen. I really thought that I was way more defective than they thought. It is so crazy when I think about that now because I was actually a good child that they could have delighted in.
Before seeing your note, I felt such loss being over 60 & still dealing with having been the scapegoat. Jay's videos are so healing. I've had good help to get this far, and now find that I still have more work to do. You're not alone, thank you for sharing, you helped me, too
@@kimberleyh1946 The scapegoat has very deep wounds. Some I don't think fully heal. We just learn to live with the pain. We were denied the most basic needs of just being cared for when we were to young to even know what was happening. I think it is natural for us to continue to feel the pain. I wish I could take all your pain away. I don't have the power but I am glad my comment help you. Jay is a great therapist. I have a feeling he was the scapegoat also. He knows to much about it to not have experienced it too. Hugs, I hope you can fully heal.
I'm 58 years old and now I finally understand my own reticence. How difficult it is for me to change! I always felt like I was in survival mode, but never understood why. I was being emotionally attacked/abused every day from infancy.
My mother got me sent to a group home when I was a kid. She tried to tell the state I was not well and wouldn’t you know they gave me all of these tests and evaluations only to determine I was VERY intelligent, so much so that my IQ was marveled by the staff and state officials assigned to my case. After completing this program, they wanted me to go to foster care knew my mom was a farce. I was so afraid to leave my brother with her so I went back, now he’s just like her. Long story short, I’m over it and fine with being alone. They’ll destroy each other slowly and self implode. The life of a scapegoat is not easy, but I rather be alone than abused.
I begged my mom to take me to juvenile detention but instead told the Junior High counselor all about her abuse of me. Next thing I knew, she had to buy me a one-way ticket to Costa Rica or, be prosecuted for child abuse. I was 13. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I didn't know anyone there, didn't speak the language but I was happy for the first time in my life. I was also an A student.
@@laflaca1530 I did great at the group homes. My mother was offended that I was the best resident they had and my grades were stellar. She’d always ask, “why can’t you do that at home?” I know now it’s because she wasn’t there.
Oh my goodness. This isn't me, but it's absolutely me. My mother's narcissistic rage occurred when she was sober. I was making the dirty martinis for my parents when I was in 3rd grade. I did so happily because when my alcoholic mother was drunk, she became merely pathetic and pitiful. It actually gave me a break from the continuous abuse as her scapegoat. I can still see her shaking her glass at me for a refill. I'm very interested if many abusive covert narcissists are also alcoholics. It wasn't until mid September of this year that I eliminated her from life. It was solely a sense of obligation and guilt that kept me in it. Thank you for these videos. They have been immeasurably helpful in processing my past.
You got away early in your life. It took me until age 59. Almost six years ago I realized I had had enough. Doing good now. They don’t have any new gossip about me.
You’re fantastic. This speaks to me so much. I struggle with self expression. Always have. It’s a vicious cycle to prefer one’s own company yet one’s own voice is shaming, dark, negative, belittling.
I thought I had my voice because I fought back but truly I didn’t. I can see as an adult at work how I get myself in a twist about stuff others are very detached from and they simply ask for more resources etc. This is very helpful.
I was going to say where do these people find good or decent competent therapists?! I have tried for around 35 years and haven’t found one yet. With no money you get the worst.
@@christar9527 Omg, same experience here!!!! Now, my other answer is..... Right here on this channel with Jay. And a very few other select one's. But what I find I need the most is to be able to actually TALK to a competent therapist. And you know what? I get WAY more out of just listening to Jay then I've EVER got EVER from an in house session. Jay knows his sh*t pertaining to narcissistic abuse. He's a diamond. I came here to Utube 10 yrs ago because I couldn't find ANY therapist, psychiatrist or Dr, that knew or even believed that narcissistic abuse was even a thing and would laugh, roll their eye's; and lot's wouldn't even take me on as a client! Would you believe that?!?! It was excruciating. What I think, is that the majority of them are narcissist's themselves. That's why they don't want to address this issue. Mental health therapy school's need to step up their game.
@@christar9527 Oh, sorry I forgot to answer you're question thoroughly. I just started rattling 😀 What I do is interview them!! Ask them right off, what and how much they know about narcissism AND narcissistic abuse. If they give you a bunch of crap about it. Walk right out. That's what I've done. Find someone else. And keep doing that till you find one that's knowledgeable. I finally found someone that's Meh, he's OK, but not like Jay. He's really interested in psychopath's tho. So he's somewhat knowledgeable about narc abuse. So, that's another question that you can ask a therapist. Like, how much do they know about psychopath's or sociopath's. That'll help you know how much THEY know about these NARC's. I've learned that they get all willy about this subject because narc abuse is not taught in their school's (seriously!) and their stupid "Goldwater Rule" Good luck in your searçh. I know exactly how hard it is. I can't get everything from my therapist now, so I supplement it with Jay and other Utube video's.
This was stunningly accurate. Never had a heard something so descriptive of so much of my early life with Narc mother.. as if you were there and witnessed my experience, and although its difficult for me to ever cry for myself, (still feel very afraid to), my knees got weak. cannot describe how it felt to hear it today and now i am listening again. You Sir, are a true hero for this work.
I remember making a Mother's Day card for my mother at school when I was 9 years old. I took it home to her and she ripped it up in front of me and said it meant nothing to her. I remember the horrible feeling in my gut at the time and the total disbelief at what she had just done. I was also undiagnosed autistic at the time and kept being treated for "behavioral problems". The teachers/professionals only got my parents side of the story. I'm 48 now and diagnosed and have support but I have had lifelong problems with mental health as a result of what I had to live through. I love channels like this as I don't have access to therapy in my area. I am slowly healing myself which I think will be life long but the most important thing I do in my life.
I am so sorry you had that incredibly cruel experience, and that you are now able to see that it was her shame to bear, not yours. Sending you so much love and healing 💜
Same (I got diagnosed with autism last year) one (of many) time I sent my late mam a really sweet text message, she sent back, get a life. (I think that says it all?) I found my voice now, it's really scary speaking out cos you're still scared of counter attacks and retribution (they don't like the truth about themselves after all? (poking at the false self and speaking facts as they are/were drives them INSANE) 😄🙃
I appreciate how well worded this is. There needs to be a word for when you blank yourself out and act like the extension of another person. I had a hobby instructor who freaked me out because being"me" was bad - unless I was doing something for that person. It came down to - I could have my values and be me, or I could be her friend and be her Mini-me. Trying to learn from a mentor should never be a one-down relationship. This video helps me open up and release the frozen grief after refusing that role.
Yes. Self devaluation. We have leaned to accept the dissolution of the self into another persons agenda. It's a protective mechanism. Seen in the context of the abuse, it is so understandable.
@WhammyWhammy If you find the word, please post! (I don't always get notified of replies.) Brainwashed is so close to it, Stockholm syndrome is close. I recently learned the term "de-selfing." There needs to be this word for surrendering one's autonomy where a person is appears to have initiated the behavior, but is a psychological puppet. (Of course, a narc will use this term to commit crimes and pass the blame to one of their victims.) It feels like being back seat of one's own mind.
We scapegoated as kids had to breast feed our monster genitors, always trying to figure out what would trigger them so that we could prevent their next temper tantrum since we never knew for sure when the tsunami would finally drawn us. We learn to hate ourselves for not pleasing "mummy dearest". Replaying many times your videos makes me very angry, sad, selfconscious, and worry because of the many lights, flashbacks, and awareness you deliver with them. I've been realizing, also, how hopelessly I take after my genitors's behaivours. I would pretty much appretiate if you would give me - us, some advice to counter act such destructive tendencies. Many thanks and true recognition for your top quality videos, dr. Reid.
This hits the proverbial nail on the head, Jay. Now I understand why my childhood drawings of myself lacked a mouth. It makes sense of the hypervigilance of the emotions of others and the environment. One never knew when the rage attacks would come from the parent. These were often followed by violence especially if you shrink away from the violence. One learns they have to stand there and take it. And that as always, it is your fault. Can you discuss learning to block physical pain because of these dynamics? I wonder if others relate. Sadly I could not block the overarching emotional pain of such abuse. I channeled that pain into poetry. In one poem written after her narcissistic rage I wrote, "Accusing me to a mustard seed, standing there watching my soul bleed." I was 12 years old. I am writing a book to facilitate healing and empowerment of survivors of narcissistic abuse.
I can very much relate to what you’ve written. I have drawings I made as a child and I noticed in all the pictures I had drawn a huge red smile on my face. It was like I took a red marker and pressed really hard when I made the smile. But yet the little stores I wrote with the pictures all dealt with being sad. I’ve been working for years to try to stop “fake smiling” so much. It’s interesting how ingrained this has become and such a hard habit to break. I assume I was doing that as a little kid but don’t remember. Thanks Jay for addressing the disconnection from self. This has been something I really work on and this video helps explain how that happened.
Finally. It has a name. I searched my whole life for the answer to why my voice as an artist was/is stifled and fleeting. I was "judged out" of having a voice right from the beginning.
I know your book will help us all :) I'm sorry you didn't have a voice growing up but I'm so glad to know that you have one now. You are strong and you are loved. God bless you
Finding a "community" is tough when you have agraphobia. Im much better now but my throat area is often closed and i feel a tightness/constantly swallowing
His assessment of the hyper-extroverted child(at 7:39) distrusting their own inner voice, even seeking to simply drown it out, sounds very characteristic of alcohol addiction, specifically, in that it numbs the inner voice, but perhaps all other addictions too; our excessive eating habits offer a similar comfort that might quiet our inner protest. I suppose even the opposite end of the addiction spectrum might offer, instead of a quieting comfort, something of a thrill in stimulating one's hyper-extroverted tendency to seek amusement or fun in something outside one's self. In recognizing this in a child, he seems to have uncovered some plausible reasoning as to WHY ppl get to seeking in the first place, whether inward or outward, for comfort or thrill.
Both my grandfather's were active alcoholics with Narcissistic wives. So both my parents are Adult Children of Alcoholics. Both my parents also had Scapegoated brothers, so it was normal for them to Scapegoat! My covert malignant Narcissistic Mother chose me to be the receptacle for her unhealed childhood wounds. She projected all pain onto me, treat me like dirt, then gaslighted me about it, saying it didn't happen that way, that I started everything!! So upsetting when I know my own truth. The only time she wS nice to me was when both my sisters visited (in tandem). I realised that this was to make them think that she always treated me this way! Very manipulative.
The other end of the excessive eating spectrum for me is NOT being able to eat. Even when I'm hungry. Feeling not deserving to. And also feeling so numb that you can't recognize that your body needs nutrition. Not allowing yourself to eat as a form of punishment. Not being able to even attended to your basic need's because you feel that you're such a "rotten to the core person" 😞
Stacey's story has me SCREAMING! Finally someone who understands my experience EXACTLY OMG!!! people find it quite charismatic ive noticed as well...However i feel like im DROWNING on the inside in EVERY human interaction!!!
Thank you for this. My elderly mother texts me and then lashes out at whatever I respond with. She just did it, and I’m thinking, I should have just asked her a question about her, about her joining a gym. I accidentally shared a brief sentence about how exercise is good for the mood and got punished with abuse. Oops!
Jay Reid, you put into words the experiences and feelings I had as a child. Thank you. When I was 7 and came home from school, I would not muddy the floor because I was the one who had to clean the house, vacuum, prepare dinner and have it on the table when my narcissist single mom parent got home from work. If the house was dirty or dinner not on the table, there was hell to ay in the form of her rages, physical, mental and emotional abuse. Mom would drop my sister and I off at the laundry mat and expect everything to be clean and folded to her specific specifications when she picked us up an hour or two later. We did all the cooking and cleaning from 6 years and on. If she found a speck on a dish, she would make us take every dish out of every cupboard and wash everything again into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I remember going to school the next day with just a couple hours of sleep.
Oh my, same here. To this day I get panic attacks when washing dishes. I can only do like 2 or 3 at a time. And it take's forever!! I always have dirty dishes in my sink.😞
Another helpful and informative video Jay, thank you. When you spoke of being a‘distasteful object’ I could feel myself wince and I used to feel that I was‘rotten to the core’. I am 60 this year and after many years of personal healing, including wonderful support of therapy, I went no contact from my family of origin 4 years ago and while challenging it is an important part of my life going forward. I have a couple of friends where there is no presence of shame and we check out with each other anytime if either are concerned about that. It’s is quite a journey and my life is more solitary than before but I am generally very appreciative of myself which is such a blessing compared to where I started in this life. Thank you again Jay
Gosh I relate to your comment. I remember the first time I saw myself in a video as opposed to a photo, my shocked thought was: "I'm not hideous!" (from the inside out, essentially 'to the core as you said". Sending love and very best wishes 💓
Yes! I relate too! My step monster (my real mom died when i was 9 months old) would scream at me that I was "Rotten to the core" and tell me that "I was the Devil's child". It wasn't until I was in my teen's that i finally didn't believe that I had actually been born from the Devil himself.
My mother began raging at me when I attempted to express my sorrow over my cats passing. I was determined to express my feelings when she attempted to thwart the conversation to be about her. I liked when Jay expressed how the child felt just trying to show a picture and the mother was more focused on the childs boots. I was trying to show a picture of my love for an animal as she was treating me like I was boot stomping on her because it was not about her.
This is my story and I've named my YT channel "finding my higher voice" on this journey I speak my mind and find my voice again on the healing journey..had neglectful narcissist parent growing up.
Stacy’s childhood was almost 100% the same as mine. Emotional volatility from my mom resulted in almost the same conditioning in me. I have come a long way in my awareness & healing.
I wondered if you have a video on the alone-ness after separating from family, distancing- there's a feeling of peace as well as periods of grief and loss where I actually miss these people. I reflected on why I need distance- yet, I wonder if I will ever regret walking away.
I agree Makayla and would love to see that video, as well. I am processing the same emotions, plus a lot of rage. Rage/anger is something I have never really been able to express outwardly. I somehow seem to crush people by just not agreeing with them.
This so insightful im 69 and its took many years to understand, i had to forgive myself for existing and you have just vindicated this for me with your explanation thank you
I didn't have narc parents but have experienced two narcs and a sociopath through the years (not romantic relationships). I can imagine how bloody hard it would be on a kid to have one or two narc parents. The stuff of nightmares that could affect them for a long while after. A kid is probably the most dependent person alive on their parents to nurture and help them learn and grow up.
Jay, you certainly know alot about this topic in the context of child development. It really helps so much. The contempt from a narcissistic parent is palpable. Then, it's internalized. So difficult to overcome. Thanks for your help 😊🙏❤️
The content in your videos is extremely validating and helpful for me. I have read many books on narcissism and seen many youtube videos on the topic, but your videos express the feelings and reflections that I myself have had after trying to figure out what was "wrong with me" during the past 40 years. I felt as if I was alone with the realization that all my innate impulses had/(have) to be stifled, because my childhood experiences told me that is was unsafe to act on them. Yet, even with this realization, in the 30 years of therapy none of the therapists/psychologists I saw seemed to grasp what I was talking about. And none of them were able to help me overcome my massive social anxiety which was the consequence of narcissistic abuse in my childhood. My life has been a bleak, tragic, lonely and constricted road of mere survival. I have hardly been able to fulfill any of my needs or dreams. I deeply wish from the bottom of my heart that I will be able to find a "good enough" therapist who will be able to give me a corrective experience so that I will no longer be afraid of being me and so that this nightmare of always bumping into friendships and relationships with narcissistic people will stop. Thank you for the videos.
I could have almost written this myself. I had horrible physical abuse and problems as well because of human beings. Have you heard of Rebecca Mandeville? She also specializes in family scapegoating and has a YT channel and a book out called “Rejected, Shamed and Blamed “.
Hi Christar, Thank you very much for the comment, its kind of you. No, I haven't heard of Rebecca Mandeville before, but I will google her now and see, if I can find some helpful informations there. Thanks.
Wow! You've just described my experience too. I'm 59 now and have given up on love, life, friends, family and any hope of thing's getting better. I've got to believe in Heaven, because that's all I've got.
@@nancywutzke5392 Hi Nancy, I feel so sad when I read your comment. Please don't give up on yourself. Don't let your parents have the last say in this. You are a valuable person and you more than deserve to live your life and experience friends and love and felling happy. I hope so much for you that you will be able to mobilize all your indignation, resentment and rage at being treated as if you were worthless by your parents. I hope you will let yourself feel how disgusting and outrageous their behavior was and that you will team up with the healthy part in you against this oppression. You didn’t deserve it, you were a perfectly normal child with perfectly normal and healthy needs and they shamelessly stunted all your innate life-affirming impulses. These impulses are still in you, waiting for you to take them seriously and to allow your self to fulfil your absolutely legitimate needs.
Does narcissistic abuse affect self motivation,,,for children of narcissists the inner voices of motivation are toxic and cruel of times with parents in the past -- stopping the action . How do we climb over it and create healthy motivation to be in the self care, self trust and go into action.
An artist I was drawn to as a silenced child was Gottfried Helnwein...his depiction of children my same age being subjected to adult pain gave me immense comfort like someone understood me.
@JayReid this was spot on, as always. I’m wondering if you could do a video on when you need to find your voice to defend yourself, in situations of threat. I’m unable to harness my natural aggression and have been bullied by a neighbour in an adjoining unit for 9 months, the stress of which is impacting my health in many ways. I’ve done some research into bullies and now understand that I need to show my ‘teeth’ verbally. Domination by my narcissistic mother has something to do with my inability to do this when being criticised and targeted in a particularly personal and mean way. Your help to safely access my verbal powers in this situation would mean the world to me. IVY
Fully agree @Ivy. If anyone speaks negatively to me in any way I just totally freeze. And then spend weeks or more being angry with myself for being so helpless. I hope you find a solution with your neighbour.
Yeah...very weakining and maybe you have noticed that we become unable to protect ANY of the beings (kids, pets, plants), feelings, relationships, goods, property, and so on, that we happen to have, like we don't have the right to anything. We simply surrender it all to the bullies in our lives and then put on that xtra emotional weight on our shoulders, too. At the end of the day we feel like that's our only role: to carry shame, guilt, sadness, anger.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 that’s interesting. I’m actually emboldened when my pets, particularly, are threatened- I’ll put my body on the line to defend my cats. I’ve had to address harm to plants I’ve nurtured in this time too, and I can do that. I truly refuse to carry other peoples negative projections anymore, it’s too familiar and unfair, don’t you think? However I need more help to find my voice and wit in these situations. We are deserving of the bounty of life Adriana.
@@ivykrane2171I'm glad you are brave and ready to defend you significant others Ivy. 🐺🐱. I've struggled a lot to learn how to protect my many dogs, my son, and yet some trees or plants, bugs, stray dogs and I do it like in a reactive way, go out of character, however, some times I fail in doing so and just don't act as things are happening, like I'm too slow. I get in trouble with people, too. Also I've noticed that, at times, I can scold my pets in a fashion that later I deeply regret, (resembling the way I was treated for ever by my psycho-narc genitor and his different wives) though I'm working constantly on this issue of mine. Some times I feel like my dogs evoke my 'family' of origin and feel as though they are "taking advantage of me" bacause of the hard work and expenses they generate. Very wierd and annoying for me to experience such sensations. But I really wouldn't trade living with them for anything in this world. They are my angels.
I kicked my whole damned family +so-called friends to the curb. Now, I spread the word to expose what monster's narcissists +flying monkeys really are. Thank you for helping us!
This is spot on, my husband is still having trouble with this style of communication, asking a question is just not going to happen! We are working on this, I cant read his mind, he can't read mine. I remind him all the time, that THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE. He is appreciated for who he is. He is currently doing the course work by Jay, and we discuss it all the time, as well as finding other books to help guide us. I just finished Jay's book and I give it 5 stars, lots of really good info. Thanks Jay for being there and bringing this dirty business to the light!
Im new to the chanel. I haven't looked at all the videos, but I'd love to learn more about disassociation with narcissistic abuse. Living in that state of disassociation. How it's created and reinforced. I think this is the way out. Focusing back on the self. Trying to welcome all thoughts and feeling's.
Thank you Jay! Brilliant video. I don't know how you do it but every week you articulate key core elements of my life that I was blind to but then I know them intimately when you describe them 🙏❤️
Literal godsend! The diversity of explanation! As im listening my mond is filling in with my own words as well as being guided very clearly. What it has led to is understanding the nuance and cacophany of conditioning. Superiority is alittle different than worth is a little different that status is a little different than importance etc. Etc. They are all different sized bolts going to different part of the brain and body.
Excellent video. Your channel is brilliant, helping many people. Your opening comments were spot on. I literally lost my voice through psychosomatic emotional stress despite having used my voice in my work in several foreign languages and breath in my musical hobbies to a highly trained level. Your channel has very helpful and carefully explained videos. Thank you for every one.
Wonderfully helpful, Jay. I'm experiencing so many aligned timings with the topics that you release, the podcast/videos are in good sequence for healing work & discovery. I've come a long way, with much help, & you opened my eyes to even more that I can do to grow & heal. Thank you✨
Thank you so much for all your videos,Jay,they are a blessing. I have had this feeling seens I was about 6 years old...and I loved everything with a high speed; the fastest carousels and steep ski slopes and cars and I am now finally able to live more and more with a flow inside,and with me inside,after many years without,that is a really good feeling. This takes time but with patience and help it get better and better. Do you want to make a video on how to receive? I find that difficult. 🍂🍁
Some people when being scapegoated for example when only hiring a person to make a business card for us we end up feeling that we have to be overcautious when only wanting to give approval for an image to be included on their business cards to be drawn up Whch could explain why someone who was thinking of hiring me to make a business card for her seemed so anxious while she was being shown example images one of which she might want to put on her business cards.
I struggle bad with my own needs and wants. I can perfectly "attune" to others needs and think for them, to see clearly what's their obstacle in life what they need to do to go forward etc. On the other hand I feel like I'm blind when I want to care about myself in that way I just cannot see myself or I just see pieces of myself but they feel "fake" not real and not important at all. I feel like life's passing me by.... How can I turn that "scope" from others to myself? I feel its necessary for my development. I can't afford therapy atm. Can someone give an advise for me please?❤
From a psychotherapists point of view your suggestion to keep distance or nc. is very rare. Most psychotherapists view it as 'how can the patient cope and navigate in contact with them. And I just cannot. And I feel ashamed that I can not cope which makes me an easy target.
I like that. We were *tasked with attaching* to The most abhorrent creature ever in existence we did it. We succeeded. And we survived. So what now? What is our next task from now on?
I was expected to keep my school clothes clean the entire day, which is virtually impossible for a child to do. If I did not, physical violence was the consequence
My older brother became an addict and commited su*c*de. I would say Narcissists have a way of destroying other people. My N. mother's ex-boyfriend also died in a drunk driving incident. So, do these seem like accidents to you... and my N. mother is working on ruining me now.
I definitely feel the voiceless...dreadful drowned out no voice or my own movements... kind of robotic and intense angry mood swings and memory loss... My voice/life feels taken away with scorn... Horrible feelings i had that i couldnt describe. Would come out in confusion and anger and eggshell walking... "Why this and why that" Questions and disappointment from minor things. Boring parents that dont understand emotions but was fed well. Have alot of suppression and rejection... not knowing how i felt and interupted alot
No one but a scapegoated child understands this insidious abuse meted out by the ugliness of narcissism . Thanks for speaking of it - it is much appreciated .
Finally. It has a name. I searched my whole life for the answer to why my voice as an artist was/is stifled and fleeting. I was "judged out" of having a voice right from the beginning.
As a little girl I adored singing, I had a powerful voice and becoming a singer was one of my childhood dreams... Then as a grown up I often wondered where my voice had gone. I often felt my throat was blocked and it was very difficult not only to sing but also to speak. My shyness, my social anxiety manifested not only in front of strangers. No, my perception of feeling blocked, voiceless, confused, stupid, occurred mostly when I visited my narc family. My mother would talk endlessly about herself, and I felt speechless and invisible all the time. When I was with my father I had to be very, very careful not only paying attention to what I said but also of the words I chose. I enjoy learning and reading, but had to constantly control my vocabulary not to provoke him. He was less educated than me so if accidentally I used a word, even a common one, that he didn't know, he would feel offended, disrespected, and become violent, emotionally abusive and insult me ... There were times when he listened attentively and then mock me cynically, so to avoid being attacked, criticized and hurt, in the end I slowly became silent, listened but talked as little as possible, keeping a low profile. On the other side their GC son could talk all the time, making up things about himself that both parents believed in. I think that that spontaneous and carefree part of me, at least what I remember my child self used to be, withered and dried because of the way I was treated. So sad I allowed that to happen to myself and I didn't leave them earlier.
You just described why I had no voice in my narcissistic family. I stayed silent to avoid abuse, criticism and shame. I felt very unsafe in my family.
I know too well what you mean!! I carried all that abuse, criticism and shame until pretty recently, I could not get rid of the terrible sadness, guilt, shame and the feeling of 'being defective' and 'not worthy of being on the planet' every waking moment. What did I do with such emotions?? The only thing I could do (consciously or otherwise) ....I took all the abuse of the entire narcissistic family and continued it....by abusing myself, beginning in childhood!! Y💔💔💔❤️❤️❤️😢🌹🙏🙏xx
I wasn’t allowed to talk in my family, even making conversation with anyone I’d be screamed at to STFU. I’ve got serious problems now with social skills and interaction and automatically clam up. Lack of practice and experience I wonder if I’m schizoid or have a pragmatic disorder.
@@ThisIsMe155 Same here!
@@helengibson5253 So sorry to hear that!! 💔💔🙏❤️❤️🌹xx
I lived in extreme fear of being abandoned to the outside world by my family when I was a preteen. I really thought that I was way more defective than they thought. It is so crazy when I think about that now because I was actually a good child that they could have delighted in.
I am 58 years old and that still brought me to tears. I could feel that little girl I was 50 years ago and even how I felt. Thank you for this video.
Awww ;(
Before seeing your note, I felt such loss being over 60 & still dealing with having been the scapegoat. Jay's videos are so healing. I've had good help to get this far, and now find that I still have more work to do. You're not alone, thank you for sharing, you helped me, too
@@kimberleyh1946 The scapegoat has very deep wounds. Some I don't think fully heal. We just learn to live with the pain. We were denied the most basic needs of just being cared for when we were to young to even know what was happening. I think it is natural for us to continue to feel the pain. I wish I could take all your pain away. I don't have the power but I am glad my comment help you. Jay is a great therapist. I have a feeling he was the scapegoat also. He knows to much about it to not have experienced it too. Hugs, I hope you can fully heal.
What a crazy place to be @ 53 to only
Just realise this is a thing! Love to
You all xxx
Your experience precious one 😢🥺 sending you lots of warm love. Wishing you the kindest and gentlest healing and life ❤️🙏💐☀️
I'm 58 years old and now I finally understand my own reticence. How difficult it is for me to change! I always felt like I was in survival mode, but never understood why. I was being emotionally attacked/abused every day from infancy.
Yes from infancy for me as well. Complex ptsd resulted
I am 58 too and had was abused every single day or my childhood by mu narc family
My mother got me sent to a group home when I was a kid. She tried to tell the state I was not well and wouldn’t you know they gave me all of these tests and evaluations only to determine I was VERY intelligent, so much so that my IQ was marveled by the staff and state officials assigned to my case. After completing this program, they wanted me to go to foster care knew my mom was a farce. I was so afraid to leave my brother with her so I went back, now he’s just like her. Long story short, I’m over it and fine with being alone. They’ll destroy each other slowly and self implode. The life of a scapegoat is not easy, but I rather be alone than abused.
I begged my mom to take me to juvenile detention but instead told the Junior High counselor all about her abuse of me. Next thing I knew, she had to buy me a one-way ticket to Costa Rica or, be prosecuted for child abuse. I was 13. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I didn't know anyone there, didn't speak the language but I was happy for the first time in my life. I was also an A student.
@@laflaca1530 I did great at the group homes. My mother was offended that I was the best resident they had and my grades were stellar. She’d always ask, “why can’t you do that at home?” I know now it’s because she wasn’t there.
Well done! I'm still at the stage where I hate being alone, but I can't seem to leave my home.
@@helengibson5253 you’ll grow on it, then you won’t want to be bothered at all. Trust. I also get not wanting to leave the house because me either… 😂
alone is better❤️
Oh my goodness. This isn't me, but it's absolutely me. My mother's narcissistic rage occurred when she was sober. I was making the dirty martinis for my parents when I was in 3rd grade. I did so happily because when my alcoholic mother was drunk, she became merely pathetic and pitiful. It actually gave me a break from the continuous abuse as her scapegoat. I can still see her shaking her glass at me for a refill. I'm very interested if many abusive covert narcissists are also alcoholics. It wasn't until mid September of this year that I eliminated her from life. It was solely a sense of obligation and guilt that kept me in it. Thank you for these videos. They have been immeasurably helpful in processing my past.
You got away early in your life. It took me until age 59. Almost six years ago I realized I had had enough. Doing good now. They don’t have any new gossip about me.
Me too. Escaped at 59 around 6-7 years ago. Out of prison at last.
You’re fantastic. This speaks to me so much. I struggle with self expression. Always have. It’s a vicious cycle to prefer one’s own company yet one’s own voice is shaming, dark, negative, belittling.
I thought I had my voice because I fought back but truly I didn’t. I can see as an adult at work how I get myself in a twist about stuff others are very detached from and they simply ask for more resources etc. This is very helpful.
Lucky Stacy to find such a competent, ethical and compassionate therapist!
I was going to say where do these people find good or decent competent therapists?! I have tried for around 35 years and haven’t found one yet. With no money you get the worst.
😀😀😀
@@christar9527 Omg, same experience here!!!!
Now, my other answer is..... Right here on this channel with Jay. And a very few other select one's.
But what I find I need the most is to be able to actually TALK to a competent therapist.
And you know what? I get WAY more out of just listening to Jay then I've EVER got EVER from an in house session.
Jay knows his sh*t pertaining to narcissistic abuse. He's a diamond.
I came here to Utube 10 yrs ago because I couldn't find ANY therapist, psychiatrist or Dr, that knew or even believed that narcissistic abuse was even a thing and would laugh, roll their eye's; and lot's wouldn't even take me on as a client!
Would you believe that?!?!
It was excruciating.
What I think, is that the majority of them are narcissist's themselves. That's why they don't want to address this issue.
Mental health therapy school's need to step up their game.
@@christar9527 Oh, sorry I forgot to answer you're question thoroughly. I just started rattling 😀
What I do is interview them!!
Ask them right off, what and how much they know about narcissism AND narcissistic abuse. If they give you a bunch of crap about it. Walk right out. That's what I've done. Find someone else. And keep doing that till you find one that's knowledgeable.
I finally found someone that's Meh, he's OK, but not like Jay. He's really interested in psychopath's tho. So he's somewhat knowledgeable about narc abuse.
So, that's another question that you can ask a therapist. Like, how much do they know about psychopath's or sociopath's. That'll help you know how much THEY know about these NARC's.
I've learned that they get all willy about this subject because narc abuse is not taught in their school's (seriously!) and their stupid "Goldwater Rule"
Good luck in your searçh.
I know exactly how hard it is.
I can't get everything from my therapist now, so I supplement it with Jay and other Utube video's.
This was stunningly accurate.
Never had a heard something so descriptive of so much of my early life with Narc mother.. as if you were there and witnessed my experience, and although its difficult for me to ever cry for myself, (still feel very afraid to), my knees got weak. cannot describe how it felt to hear it today and now i am listening again. You Sir, are a true hero for this work.
Spot on. I wouldn't know what a mother's kindness to me would look like. She was always jealous of me and hated me.
Super profound & spot on Jay! The world needs to hear your voice so they can uncover theirs.
I remember making a Mother's Day card for my mother at school when I was 9 years old. I took it home to her and she ripped it up in front of me and said it meant nothing to her. I remember the horrible feeling in my gut at the time and the total disbelief at what she had just done. I was also undiagnosed autistic at the time and kept being treated for "behavioral problems". The teachers/professionals only got my parents side of the story. I'm 48 now and diagnosed and have support but I have had lifelong problems with mental health as a result of what I had to live through. I love channels like this as I don't have access to therapy in my area. I am slowly healing myself which I think will be life long but the most important thing I do in my life.
Your story moved to me and I just wanted to say keep on going, you're doing very well!
@@somethinggood9267 Thanks! Wishing you well too.
I am so sorry you had that incredibly cruel experience, and that you are now able to see that it was her shame to bear, not yours. Sending you so much love and healing 💜
Same (I got diagnosed with autism last year) one (of many) time I sent my late mam a really sweet text message, she sent back, get a life. (I think that says it all?) I found my voice now, it's really scary speaking out cos you're still scared of counter attacks and retribution (they don't like the truth about themselves after all? (poking at the false self and speaking facts as they are/were drives them INSANE) 😄🙃
I appreciate how well worded this is. There needs to be a word for when you blank yourself out and act like the extension of another person. I had a hobby instructor who freaked me out because being"me" was bad - unless I was doing something for that person. It came down to - I could have my values and be me, or I could be her friend and be her Mini-me. Trying to learn from a mentor should never be a one-down relationship. This video helps me open up and release the frozen grief after refusing that role.
Yes. Self devaluation. We have leaned to accept the dissolution of the self into another persons agenda. It's a protective mechanism. Seen in the context of the abuse, it is so understandable.
@WhammyWhammy If you find the word, please post! (I don't always get notified of replies.) Brainwashed is so close to it, Stockholm syndrome is close. I recently learned the term "de-selfing." There needs to be this word for surrendering one's autonomy where a person is appears to have initiated the behavior, but is a psychological puppet. (Of course, a narc will use this term to commit crimes and pass the blame to one of their victims.) It feels like being back seat of one's own mind.
@@rhuechantal6316 Maybe the phrase for it is being driven by another person's agenda. . . ?
Being forced to choose: identity or attachment
God is helping me to recover from narcissistic abuse too, and one way he does it is by leading me to videos like this one.
We scapegoated as kids had to breast feed our monster genitors, always trying to figure out what would trigger them so that we could prevent their next temper tantrum since we never knew for sure when the tsunami would finally drawn us.
We learn to hate ourselves for not pleasing "mummy dearest".
Replaying many times your videos makes me very angry, sad, selfconscious, and worry because of the many lights, flashbacks, and awareness you deliver with them.
I've been realizing, also, how hopelessly I take after my genitors's behaivours.
I would pretty much appretiate if you would give me - us, some advice to counter act such destructive tendencies.
Many thanks and true recognition for your top quality videos, dr. Reid.
Yes Adri, awful to see how we’ve contracted these tendencies too. Good question.
@@ivykrane2171 We even scapegoat others without even noticing it right away. Very contagious.
This hits the proverbial nail on the head, Jay. Now I understand why my childhood drawings of myself lacked a mouth. It makes sense of the hypervigilance of the emotions of others and the environment. One never knew when the rage attacks would come from the parent. These were often followed by violence especially if you shrink away from the violence. One learns they have to stand there and take it. And that as always, it is your fault. Can you discuss learning to block physical pain because of these dynamics? I wonder if others relate. Sadly I could not block the overarching emotional pain of such abuse. I channeled that pain into poetry. In one poem written after her narcissistic rage I wrote, "Accusing me to a mustard seed, standing there watching my soul bleed." I was 12 years old.
I am writing a book to facilitate healing and empowerment of survivors of narcissistic abuse.
I can very much relate to what you’ve written. I have drawings I made as a child and I noticed in all the pictures I had drawn a huge red smile on my face. It was like I took a red marker and pressed really hard when I made the smile. But yet the little stores I wrote with the pictures all dealt with being sad. I’ve been working for years to try to stop “fake smiling” so much. It’s interesting how ingrained this has become and such a hard habit to break. I assume I was doing that as a little kid but don’t remember. Thanks Jay for addressing the disconnection from self. This has been something I really work on and this video helps explain how that happened.
Finally. It has a name. I searched my whole life for the answer to why my voice as an artist was/is stifled and fleeting. I was "judged out" of having a voice right from the beginning.
I know your book will help us all :) I'm sorry you didn't have a voice growing up but I'm so glad to know that you have one now. You are strong and you are loved. God bless you
A deep beautiful verse of your poetry💕
Finding a "community" is tough when you have agraphobia. Im much better now but my throat area is often closed and i feel a tightness/constantly swallowing
His assessment of the hyper-extroverted child(at 7:39) distrusting their own inner voice, even seeking to simply drown it out, sounds very characteristic of alcohol addiction, specifically, in that it numbs the inner voice, but perhaps all other addictions too; our excessive eating habits offer a similar comfort that might quiet our inner protest. I suppose even the opposite end of the addiction spectrum might offer, instead of a quieting comfort, something of a thrill in stimulating one's hyper-extroverted tendency to seek amusement or fun in something outside one's self. In recognizing this in a child, he seems to have uncovered some plausible reasoning as to WHY ppl get to seeking in the first place, whether inward or outward, for comfort or thrill.
Very insightful comment and interesting to think about, well done!
Both my grandfather's were active alcoholics with Narcissistic wives. So both my parents are Adult Children of Alcoholics. Both my parents also had Scapegoated brothers, so it was normal for them to Scapegoat! My covert malignant Narcissistic Mother chose me to be the receptacle for her unhealed childhood wounds. She projected all pain onto me, treat me like dirt, then gaslighted me about it, saying it didn't happen that way, that I started everything!! So upsetting when I know my own truth. The only time she wS nice to me was when both my sisters visited (in tandem). I realised that this was to make them think that she always treated me this way! Very manipulative.
The other end of the excessive eating spectrum for me is NOT being able to eat. Even when I'm hungry. Feeling not deserving to. And also feeling so numb that you can't recognize that your body needs nutrition. Not allowing yourself to eat as a form of punishment.
Not being able to even attended to your basic need's because you feel that you're such a "rotten to the core person" 😞
Stacey's story has me SCREAMING! Finally someone who understands my experience EXACTLY OMG!!! people find it quite charismatic ive noticed as well...However i feel like im DROWNING on the inside in EVERY human interaction!!!
I outed my mother and my ex husband both are cutt off. I do not miss these two evil doers. Thank you
Thank you for this. My elderly mother texts me and then lashes out at whatever I respond with. She just did it, and I’m thinking, I should have just asked her a question about her, about her joining a gym. I accidentally shared a brief sentence about how exercise is good for the mood and got punished with abuse. Oops!
Jay Reid, you put into words the experiences and feelings I had as a child. Thank you. When I was 7 and came home from school, I would not muddy the floor because I was the one who had to clean the house, vacuum, prepare dinner and have it on the table when my narcissist single mom parent got home from work. If the house was dirty or dinner not on the table, there was hell to ay in the form of her rages, physical, mental and emotional abuse. Mom would drop my sister and I off at the laundry mat and expect everything to be clean and folded to her specific specifications when she picked us up an hour or two later. We did all the cooking and cleaning from 6 years and on. If she found a speck on a dish, she would make us take every dish out of every cupboard and wash everything again into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I remember going to school the next day with just a couple hours of sleep.
Oh my, same here.
To this day I get panic attacks when washing dishes. I can only do like 2 or 3 at a time. And it take's forever!!
I always have dirty dishes in my sink.😞
Another helpful and informative video Jay, thank you. When you spoke of being a‘distasteful object’ I could feel myself wince and I used to feel that I was‘rotten to the core’. I am 60 this year and after many years of personal healing, including wonderful support of therapy, I went no contact from my family of origin 4 years ago and while challenging it is an important part of my life going forward. I have a couple of friends where there is no presence of shame and we check out with each other anytime if either are concerned about that. It’s is quite a journey and my life is more solitary than before but I am generally very appreciative of myself which is such a blessing compared to where I started in this life. Thank you again Jay
Gosh I relate to your comment. I remember the first time I saw myself in a video as opposed to a photo, my shocked thought was: "I'm not hideous!" (from the inside out, essentially 'to the core as you said". Sending love and very best wishes 💓
Yes! I relate too!
My step monster (my real mom died when i was 9 months old) would scream at me that I was "Rotten to the core" and tell me that "I was the Devil's child".
It wasn't until I was in my teen's that i finally didn't believe that I had actually been born from the Devil himself.
My mother began raging at me when I attempted to express my sorrow over my cats passing. I was determined to express my feelings when she attempted to thwart the conversation to be about her. I liked when Jay expressed how the child felt just trying to show a picture and the mother was more focused on the childs boots. I was trying to show a picture of my love for an animal as she was treating me like I was boot stomping on her because it was not about her.
This is my story and I've named my YT channel "finding my higher voice" on this journey I speak my mind and find my voice again on the healing journey..had neglectful narcissist parent growing up.
I could see my younger self in that video and it made me feel sad. Thank you for sharing these videos as they are so helpful and insightful.
Stacy’s childhood was almost 100% the same as mine. Emotional volatility from my mom resulted in almost the same conditioning in me. I have come a long way in my awareness & healing.
I wondered if you have a video on the alone-ness after separating from family, distancing- there's a feeling of peace as well as periods of grief and loss where I actually miss these people. I reflected on why I need distance- yet, I wonder if I will ever regret walking away.
I agree Makayla and would love to see that video, as well. I am processing the same emotions, plus a lot of rage. Rage/anger is something I have never really been able to express outwardly. I somehow seem to crush people by just not agreeing with them.
This so insightful im 69 and its took many years to understand, i had to forgive myself for existing and you have just vindicated this for me with your explanation thank you
I didn't have narc parents but have experienced two narcs and a sociopath through the years (not romantic relationships). I can imagine how bloody hard it would be on a kid to have one or two narc parents. The stuff of nightmares that could affect them for a long while after. A kid is probably the most dependent person alive on their parents to nurture and help them learn and grow up.
Thank you for such important information. Overcoming the scapegoat role is lifelong work.
Jay, you certainly know alot about this topic in the context of child development. It really helps so much. The contempt from a narcissistic parent is palpable. Then, it's internalized. So difficult to overcome. Thanks for your help 😊🙏❤️
The content in your videos is extremely validating and helpful for me. I have read many books on narcissism and seen many youtube videos on the topic, but your videos express the feelings and reflections that I myself have had after trying to figure out what was "wrong with me" during the past 40 years. I felt as if I was alone with the realization that all my innate impulses had/(have) to be stifled, because my childhood experiences told me that is was unsafe to act on them. Yet, even with this realization, in the 30 years of therapy none of the therapists/psychologists I saw seemed to grasp what I was talking about. And none of them were able to help me overcome my massive social anxiety which was the consequence of narcissistic abuse in my childhood.
My life has been a bleak, tragic, lonely and constricted road of mere survival. I have hardly been able to fulfill any of my needs or dreams. I deeply wish from the bottom of my heart that I will be able to find a "good enough" therapist who will be able to give me a corrective experience so that I will no longer be afraid of being me and so that this nightmare of always bumping into friendships and relationships with narcissistic people will stop.
Thank you for the videos.
I could have almost written this myself. I had horrible physical abuse and problems as well because of human beings. Have you heard of Rebecca Mandeville? She also specializes in family scapegoating and has a YT channel and a book out called “Rejected, Shamed and Blamed “.
Hi Christar, Thank you very much for the comment, its kind of you. No, I haven't heard of Rebecca Mandeville before, but I will google her now and see, if I can find some helpful informations there. Thanks.
Wow!
You've just described my experience too. I'm 59 now and have given up on love, life, friends, family and any hope of thing's getting better.
I've got to believe in Heaven, because that's all I've got.
@@nancywutzke5392 Hi Nancy, I feel so sad when I read your comment. Please don't give up on yourself. Don't let your parents have the last say in this. You are a valuable person and you more than deserve to live your life and experience friends and love and felling happy. I hope so much for you that you will be able to mobilize all your indignation, resentment and rage at being treated as if you were worthless by your parents. I hope you will let yourself feel how disgusting and outrageous their behavior was and that you will team up with the healthy part in you against this oppression. You didn’t deserve it, you were a perfectly normal child with perfectly normal and healthy needs and they shamelessly stunted all your innate life-affirming impulses. These impulses are still in you, waiting for you to take them seriously and to allow your self to fulfil your absolutely legitimate needs.
Thank You, Jay. You understand!!! 💔💔😪😢😪😢😢❤️🌹🌹
I invite you to tell yourselves: "I am BEAUTIFUL to the core". ✨💖🤗
Does narcissistic abuse affect self motivation,,,for children of narcissists the inner voices of motivation are toxic and cruel of times with parents in the past -- stopping the action . How do we climb over it and create healthy motivation to be in the self care, self trust and go into action.
An artist I was drawn to as a silenced child was Gottfried Helnwein...his depiction of children my same age being subjected to adult pain gave me immense comfort like someone understood me.
Just looked it up. Wow, that’s some depressing artwork.
Brought the best out of me. Ty GOD for being with me during this journey!❤️❤️😇
@JayReid this was spot on, as always. I’m wondering if you could do a video on when you need to find your voice to defend yourself, in situations of threat. I’m unable to harness my natural aggression and have been bullied by a neighbour in an adjoining unit for 9 months, the stress of which is impacting my health in many ways. I’ve done some research into bullies and now understand that I need to show my ‘teeth’ verbally. Domination by my narcissistic mother has something to do with my inability to do this when being criticised and targeted in a particularly personal and mean way. Your help to safely access my verbal powers in this situation would mean the world to me. IVY
Fully agree @Ivy. If anyone speaks negatively to me in any way I just totally freeze. And then spend weeks or more being angry with myself for being so helpless.
I hope you find a solution with your neighbour.
Yeah...very weakining and maybe you have noticed that we become unable to protect ANY of the beings (kids, pets, plants), feelings, relationships, goods, property, and so on, that we happen to have, like we don't have the right to anything. We simply surrender it all to the bullies in our lives and then put on that xtra emotional weight on our shoulders, too. At the end of the day we feel like that's our only role: to carry shame, guilt, sadness, anger.
@@yamlwoz thank you darling, for your reply and wishes.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 that’s interesting. I’m actually emboldened when my pets, particularly, are threatened- I’ll put my body on the line to defend my cats. I’ve had to address harm to plants I’ve nurtured in this time too, and I can do that. I truly refuse to carry other peoples negative projections anymore, it’s too familiar and unfair, don’t you think? However I need more help to find my voice and wit in these situations. We are deserving of the bounty of life Adriana.
@@ivykrane2171I'm glad you are brave and ready to defend you significant others Ivy. 🐺🐱. I've struggled a lot to learn how to protect my many dogs, my son, and yet some trees or plants, bugs, stray dogs and I do it like in a reactive way, go out of character, however, some times I fail in doing so and just don't act as things are happening, like I'm too slow. I get in trouble with people, too.
Also I've noticed that, at times, I can scold my pets in a fashion that later I deeply regret, (resembling the way I was treated for ever by my psycho-narc genitor and his different wives) though I'm working constantly on this issue of mine.
Some times I feel like my dogs evoke my 'family' of origin and feel as though they are "taking advantage of me" bacause of the hard work and expenses they generate. Very wierd and annoying for me to experience such sensations.
But I really wouldn't trade living with them for anything in this world.
They are my angels.
I kicked my whole damned family +so-called friends to the curb. Now, I spread the word to expose what monster's narcissists +flying monkeys really are. Thank you for helping us!
My childhood was Stacy’s. Thx for that example🙏🏾
This is spot on, my husband is still having trouble with this style of communication, asking a question is just not going to happen! We are working on this, I cant read his mind, he can't read mine. I remind him all the time, that THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE. He is appreciated for who he is. He is currently doing the course work by Jay, and we discuss it all the time, as well as finding other books to help guide us. I just finished Jay's book and I give it 5 stars, lots of really good info. Thanks Jay for being there and bringing this dirty business to the light!
Im new to the chanel. I haven't looked at all the videos, but I'd love to learn more about disassociation with narcissistic abuse. Living in that state of disassociation. How it's created and reinforced. I think this is the way out. Focusing back on the self. Trying to welcome all thoughts and feeling's.
Thank you for this very helpful video!
Thank you Jay! Brilliant video. I don't know how you do it but every week you articulate key core elements of my life that I was blind to but then I know them intimately when you describe them 🙏❤️
Literal godsend! The diversity of explanation! As im listening my mond is filling in with my own words as well as being guided very clearly. What it has led to is understanding the nuance and cacophany of conditioning. Superiority is alittle different than worth is a little different that status is a little different than importance etc. Etc. They are all different sized bolts going to different part of the brain and body.
Oh God. Revelation after revelation 🌊
All your videos have been so helpful, I'm deeply greatful, thank you. Also I love your new chair, very handsome!
Brilliant. Where do you find these communities of support, safe and healthy people?
That’s what I want to know. Also where do these people find helpful therapists?
Excellent video. Your channel is brilliant, helping many people. Your opening comments were spot on. I literally lost my voice through psychosomatic emotional stress despite having used my voice in my work in several foreign languages and breath in my musical hobbies to a highly trained level. Your channel has very helpful and carefully explained videos. Thank you for every one.
Very helpful info, thank you.
Wonderfully helpful, Jay. I'm experiencing so many aligned timings with the topics that you release, the podcast/videos are in good sequence for healing work & discovery. I've come a long way, with much help, & you opened my eyes to even more that I can do to grow & heal. Thank you✨
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for your extremely supportive and informative video. It has explained so much to me.
Glad I found your channel
Great help! Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for all your videos,Jay,they are a blessing. I have had this feeling seens I was about 6 years old...and I loved everything with a high speed; the fastest carousels and steep ski slopes and cars and I am now finally able to live more and more with a flow inside,and with me inside,after many years without,that is a really good feeling. This takes time but with patience and help it get better and better. Do you want to make a video on how to receive? I find that difficult.
🍂🍁
Thank you!! Your videos are so helpful
Hello! Great videos and information. I’d like to know ig you do therapy online sessions for me. I’m from Spain. Survivor of narcissistic abuse. Thanks
Some people when being scapegoated for example when only hiring a person to make a business card for us we end up feeling that we have to be overcautious when only wanting to give approval for an image to be included on their business cards to be drawn up Whch could explain why someone who was thinking of hiring me to make a business card for her seemed so anxious while she was being shown example images one of which she might want to put on her business cards.
Thank ypu. Thank you.
Super helpful!
I struggle bad with my own needs and wants. I can perfectly "attune" to others needs and think for them, to see clearly what's their obstacle in life what they need to do to go forward etc. On the other hand I feel like I'm blind when I want to care about myself in that way I just cannot see myself or I just see pieces of myself but they feel "fake" not real and not important at all. I feel like life's passing me by.... How can I turn that "scope" from others to myself? I feel its necessary for my development. I can't afford therapy atm. Can someone give an advise for me please?❤
Thank you.
From a psychotherapists point of view your suggestion to keep distance or nc. is very rare. Most psychotherapists view it as 'how can the patient cope and navigate in contact with them. And I just cannot. And I feel ashamed that I can not cope which makes me an easy target.
recovering my voice feels souless and like I'm narcissistic and unfeeling myself .... like im the inconsiderate selfish one...
I like that. We were *tasked with attaching* to
The most abhorrent creature ever in existence
we did it. We succeeded. And we survived. So
what now? What is our next task from now on?
I was expected to keep my school clothes clean the entire day, which is virtually impossible for a child to do. If I did not, physical violence was the consequence
My older brother became an addict and commited su*c*de. I would say Narcissists have a way of destroying other people. My N. mother's ex-boyfriend also died in a drunk driving incident. So, do these seem like accidents to you... and my N. mother is working on ruining me now.
I definitely feel the voiceless...dreadful drowned out no voice or my own movements... kind of robotic and intense angry mood swings and memory loss...
My voice/life feels taken away with scorn...
Horrible feelings i had that i couldnt describe.
Would come out in confusion and anger and eggshell walking...
"Why this and why that"
Questions and disappointment from minor things.
Boring parents that dont understand emotions but was fed well.
Have alot of suppression and rejection... not knowing how i felt and interupted alot
The notion that 'all parents love their children' is a well accepted lie.
😢💚💥
California dreamin
#narcdaily #peaches #143