The Narcissists' fake apology
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
- When The Narcissist apologizes, they are in fact trying to repair their fractured illusion of perfection.
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It doesn't make sense to apologize for pain that was inflicted deliberately.
apples Exactly!
EXACTLY
Just MORE Gaslighting ABUSE!!
Really? So if in driving down the road and I hit and kill someone's child accidentally I should just say "it's no problem I have insurance to bury them"?
It's a heartfelt thing to do just like when someone passes away, you have a sense of sorrow in your heart for them.
Am I incorrect?
@@notebook2876 I think they was saying, that it don't make sense to apologize for hurting someone on purpose. Not saying that it's wrong to be apologetic or sympathetic.
My narc mom whips out the "I'm sorry you feel that way" all the time. She'll make a snide remark and gleefully watch you react and then say the famous non-apology line. Now, I just say: "I'm sorry you're sorry." They're never sorry for what they did. Or, after insulting you, the narcissist will say: "You are responsible for your own feelings" (after they've just pushed you over the edge). Ultimate hypocrites!!
I've been told, "I cant make you feel the way you feel "
Fake apologies... That remembers me of the letter my ex boyfriend (narcissist) send me. He was so sorry. He even told me that he was working on his issues. Or that one time that he looked me in the eyes, and tried to cry while he said sorry. That was the moment I realized it was really fake. It made me shiver because how can somebody be that fake in your face... It's scary.
They are truly evil.
Same thing happened with me I just couldn't believe they were acting all this out like it was a play
Theyre only sorry they got caught
Valerie Stout , This is exactly what it is. They got caught. No matter what the situation is, they got caught. They will Lie, manipulate and /or blame it all on you . I'm going thru something right now and I am so confused , can someone with CPTSD do this Narcissistic Maneuver ?
Ahaha! That's what my grandma use to say to my bro's old friend!
Well said.
EXACTLY!!! “ I’m so sorry I got caught” .....
My mother always said "Joni, I will forgive you, and pray for you." Never in 50 years has she said I am sorry. She states, "Joni, I love you enough to forgive you. That is how much I love you." OMG.......... I literally want to body slam my 73 year old mother! I am an attorney!! I can not beleive the rage I am feeling. 72 hours of no contact as of right now!
Step away for a while Joni...i left home at 16 ! to get away from my Narc Father RIP Dad but you did damage !
I completely understand. My 79.5 year old Narc mom intimated to me whilst I was sobbing over my Narc ex’s CONTINUED ABUSE that “maybe he didn’t mean it; maybe I just need to try to understand HIM”.... 💔💔💔🖤💔💔💔
I know exactly how you feel, I hope you were able to stay no contact, these narcs are truly evil.
@@heatherfields2275 my mom said she has forgiven my ex narc for his abuse towards me and I need to forgive him too. Umm she never was angry with him. She had him over for dinner while I was out of town right after we split up. The pain of her betrayal causes me so much rage.
@Tawneygirl -Same here!! My Mom & entire family went out of their way to make Him feel he was Still a part of the family. Totally disregard of ME & All the Abuse.
Narcissists can & DO FOOL EVERYONE
"I'm sorry you feel that way", or "I'm sorry if I upset you", are stock faux-apologies from narcissists. They don't admit blame or show remorse. They use the word "sorry" but it is not an apology! A genuine apology must be linked to the hurtful action, e.g. "I'm sorry that I raged at you for no reason and stonewalled you -- I'm a narcissist and can't help myself" (not gonna happen).
Andy - semper sapiens Well put. Good points!!
My girlfriend is the master of this tactic. She apologizes for how I feel "I'm sorry you feel that way" not apologizes for what she's done " I'm sorry i.....etc" I tell her that is not a real apology as your not taking any blame for what you've done...your "apologizing" for how I feel about what you've done....which is complete b.s. but of course she don't hear me though
in 53 years of my life i never heard the word sorry.There you go,I hardly expect to hear it now!!!
Andy: Was just thinking about that. " I'm sorry you feel that way" and for extra credit "What you (me) feel is because you are a woman and women just overreact due to biology". My narc always said stuff like that. I thought there was something really wrong with me.
PS: He never said thank you.
I am the family scapegoat. My dad and mom are narcs. I have a great husband who is there for me but it isn't 100% comforting bc he doesn't know exactly how it feels or how much damage has been done. I moved over 1000 miles away to escape from my mom and her flying monkeys aka my siblings and their kids and my mom's family. I mean cousins aunts They all think i'm dog shit bc of my mom. So I escaped that. However my Dad lives here and he is awful to me. It is torturous. I finally told him after all these years that he is a narcissist. I didn't mean to but he feeds off of being mean. So I blurted it out and he called me crazy. And that he had no idea what i was talking about. I told him that was called gaslighting. He is nice when I put up walls. He is fake nice when I put up walls. I only recently came to terms that he is never going to change. he is never going to be there for me. he is never going to be happy for me when something good happens in my life. He will always give me the silent treatment or not even smile when I tell him something that I want him to be proud of me for. When I tell him something I want him to feel sorry for me for I will receive no pity or mercy from him.
My ex narc called me 4 years post divorce to "apologize" for his rages while admitting to throwing a bottled water at his current wife and having the same angry episodes. That was followed by him accusing me of cheating. All he got was a gray rock. I decided to go no contact after that.
Angie B You did the RIGHT thing.
Petra you are a breath of fresh air. your calming influence in the way you articulate Narcissism is amazing! keep helping us with recovery God Bless you.
Thank you Mercedes, I truly appreciate that.
Always an excuse, coupled with someone elses behavior. It never stays on topic with a narc.
''I just'' , ''It was because'', ''I didn't''... sound familiar?
god, they are like word salad aren't they
I'm sorry you feel that way", got that from my Narc Aunt.
and when you forgive their "apology" they repeat it again and again, and when you remind them of the initial incident in which they apologized for their response is "why you always bringing up the past, throwing the past in my face?!?" or they will say "that situation was completely different..."
they tell me i nitpick and that im insane lol
Indeed : it is al FAKE.
I still can see the crocodile tears of my so called "best friend" apologizing over an issue.
But then everything went it's merry way and NOTHING changed.
As if nothing happend.
And she could not care less.
She had her day on stage, and that was it.
# rolls eyes #
The Narc's pathetic apology is just as shallow and HOLLOW as these subspecies can muster. You eventually learn what is true LOVE ... the real deal.
I never ever got an apology from either of the narcissists. This is what gave me the strength to cut off all contact, because I got sick of their lack of accountability.
Just got my 'apology' via email today (3 weeks after the sudden discard) - and this video is a spot-on template for interpreting it - thank you! Of course, I will make no contact. :)
An example of fake apology - forgive me for anything I did but I cannot forget what you did
Lol. On point again. I love your explanation of a specific ordeal followed by a "BUT" ...they are pathological liars. Their 'apologies' mean 'forgive now so that you can take more of my bullshit later 😉".
This circles back around to the fact that the narcissist doesn’t change.
Crocodile tears for sure. When they do apologize, they can change for a short while to get you to come back. They will promise you the moon and the stars. We even wrote things down on a piece of paper that needed to change, but we broke the agreement and suffered the consequences of it. I thought it was for real but it was fake. I initially thought I was in heaven, but hell broke thru rather quickly. I learned from that mistake and when we finally got to the end, I knew there was no turning back. The same dog will not bite me twice.
a very important puzzle piece to understand the narc apologies! for me it clicked now.
Once my narcissist husband fakely apologised with fake tears in his eyes (for the first time I saw tears from him) and just after that he runs away from the situation and turns the same old person in a matter of 30mins. A fake heart made of stone, that pumps trouble! That's what they are!
I can't even remember if my NM has even given me an apology. At least it wasn't with the words "I"m Sorry"...the most I remember is her saying that she hopes I will forgive her someday. But then it comes with her saying how she had no clue that she wasn't a good mother until I had said anything. It seems like she said that to make her seem like she was unaware of how she treated me so therefore can't take any responsibility for it. She's made so many excuses for her abuse and one of them was to blame me and say I was the abusive one. She shows no real compassion for me or empathy EVER. Some of these people can't even fake it, and it's quite sad.
Serenity Rayne Yes....very sad
My husband said that after cheating. Week before , of, and after 14th anniversary. A few times he really was sad because he is NOTHING without me. Not clean. Not fed. No clean clothes. No one to make him be responsible. He hates that I told the world. I shouldn't have put it all over Facebook. His dad said married business stays a secret. I have had many people tell me both. Idk. He sometimes manipulates. Sometimes blames me. Most of the time he accepts responsibility. But he has a problem of binging on anti anxiety meds. He is weird, and completely different person on them. When he isnt on them he does have some emotional, personal, serious issues that stems from the way his father treated him when he was a child and growing up. Also from his mother leaving his father, on her fourth husband, gold digger. And yet she has the nerve to call him crying and upset about how much she misses him and isnt happy and I have to fix him after that.
You are seriously a gem of a person....
Cus they don't care about us! That's why! It's all about them!
My narc mother proclaimed that she had done nothing wrong and was a good mother. I have since gone low contact and that applies to my children. She recently emailed me that she is sorry that I feel that I was abused and all she can do is look forward to the day that I forgive her.
my narc mother recently robbed me for about 20k , in real sentimental objects, also books. religious item, etc....worse she tried to take my condo, as we are both on the Deed, by "giving me a vacation in her home in FL" while she "helped me...." get ready to move. it's been a nightmare for 3 months ever since. .....it's been a nightmare my whole life, but this was the cherry on my 40th birthday. ....to steal my condo, and I'm disabled with a broken neck. luckily I can walk, but I take opiates, which she also doesn't agree with. she is fucking asshole straight up. I caught her a few days before she could say I abandoned my home. I had to drive from S Florida to Nevada to save my home. .....she calls 2 months later, 2 days ago.....looking for help. crying , etc.......I'm so tired. of her, of how she construction my life .....and I NEED 100% NO CONTACT. 2 days ago she was prepared to forgive and make up to a financial degree.
now........she has gone another direction. she is going to try the same thing over again. I need to get away or I'll die like this. from the stress she adds in an already stressful life. and other Narcs, because of course being raised by one , or two.....it takes years to figure out, spot and leave quickly when you meet one.
I wish everyone here trying to heal all the light protection and love tonight, and always. thank you, so much... for the video
@@rebeccaoreilly9461 Good luck Rebecca. Xx
haha I laughed so hard when you said "apology, because once in a blue moon you get one". That's exactly what happened to my with the ex narc. The relationship lasted some years and he only apologized once. Oh, he had to apologize because we had guests in the house and he didn't want them to see us arguing.
ha, yes, the ex narc said something horrific in front of friends that really upset me. He called everyone there that night and apologized.
Thank you Petra. Your videos are so easy to watch and are so meaningful.
Thank you so much Michael
I watch many videos, trying to understand my narcissistic husband's behavior. That was the only part I couldn't understand. He is so sorry, loving, bringing gifts every time he hurts his family. He wants everything to get fixed as soon as posible. If he sees we cannot get over it, he exalts himself by saying how fast he leaves behind everything bad happens to him and that we should do the same. Since now I couldn't understand what was going in his mind. You made everything so clear to me. That was the last missing piece in the pazzle of my 22 year relationship with him. I 'm planning my exit, and I' m ready to leave, emotionaly and physicaly. Thank you, Petra!
I never knew about the process of apology. No one EVER apologized in my family of origin. There was never that much responsibility taken. Isn't that awful! Thank you, Petra. This is perfect. I am in a new place in understanding the narcissism and I am externalizing the damage it caused more than ever, so this makes more sense to me.
I laughed out so loud about the alien comment. That was awesome!
I've heard, "I've sorry you feel that way," instead of the more appropriate, "I'm sorry I screwed up," or "I'm sorry I hurt you," from every narcissist I've ever known: coverts, overts, malignants, they ALL go there, sooner or later.
Truth!
I got the "I'm sorry you feel that way"
It took me years to understand that my narc did not actually mean it when he said he was sorry. It was just words to him. He never changed or looked at his behavior, just kept repeating the same patterns over and over. He "apologized" to manipulate me. Mostly, to shut me up. Then, if I continued to try to talk about it, he could say "what are you going on about this for? I SAID I was sorry!" Rinse and repeat.
Oh my gosh. Topic of the day. It’s what I’m going through now... I wish I could like this video twice. Thank you dear❤️
You're welcome darling
I always get I was only joking u took me wrong that's it
I really love your videos, they're helping me through my healing
Anna Es So happy to hear that. Love and courage to you xxx
Petra Van Deijl thank you so much xxx
My ex-girlfriend, Holly Jane Kelly ( hjane57 channel ), cheated on me, assaulted me, lied about me which put me in jail over night, slandered my name over and over again to her family and friends, manipulated every situation to make me feel like I did something wrong...and she NEVER could say I'm sorry. The abuse from this narcissist has completely destroyed me. I wish I knew how to recover.
What The Hales: I wish I knew for myself too.
I had confronted someone once with a mountain load of things they did, and of course they denied everything, but instead of offering me some apology or even an explanation, they said "So,tell me what do you want me to say to you?" Good grief! Am I supposed to get out a paper and pen and write out what I think the appropriate apology would be, hand it to them so they can read it back to me, so I can accept their "heartfelt" words? I don't even have a reply for someone like that.
My apology was "Sorry for whatever I did, can't remember. Sucks for you! Feel better soon."
Yes, isn't that the worst ever! It totally undermines ones experience. Validate your own story, you do not need them, they need you.
Experienced all of this, thanks Petra. It's very beautiful to hear you talk. Thank you
This explanation is perfection.
My fave is the 'I now understand what I did wrong and that's why I have apologized for it' when never having apologized before in a bloody text message. Moi felt so appreciated! :3
Again I went through years of therapy because of perfectionistic narcissistic parents.
And all of the quote clinical doctors haven't helped me as much as your encouragement. What you say is elating and so true ! I was an emotional wreck for years even to the point of talking to myself and unable to focus in life. Alice Miller said that doctors need to be like you . Simply and basically informing people of the real reality of these problems and what people need to know to self treat ! So believe me this is invaluable -because I don't think some people realize that narcissists can be very dangerous people too*
There is no genuine apology, just being led around on a never ending merry go round until you forget what you were even talking about. They are actually highly skilled at manipulation, it is impossible even to explain and would wear you out even trying, but they are 10,20,30 steps ahead of what you are going to say and by step 30 you are in a galaxy far far away from reality
My mother apologized when she finally realized she lost all power. Unable to identify "what" she was sorry for or "why" she was sorry - unable to identify what the impact/hurt was. That's how I knew it was fake. Its just to try and get back to what they're used to.
I love the fact that you have affirmed that these freaks do not apologize or empathize. There is no love or humility in these creatures. They do not have any human traits that are discernable. Unfortunately, in my circumstance I am referring to my sister. I don't wish to go into the details, but oh my goodness. I send out my love but nothing is going to fill that hole where a human soul should be, not that I'm any judge. Only time will tell.
"I'm sorry that YOU THOUGHT I was shouting at you"!
Oh wow, that is so frustrating!
Their Apology is Passive-Aggressive...
Some think they are too Superior to Apologize...
An apology without changing one's actions is totally useless.
I get apologies occasionally but the behavior never ever changes. Typically it is an "apology" wrapped up into blaming me and excuses as to why they did it... one time he sent me this LONG text message that was apparently supposed to be an apology... but really just sounded like a bunch of justification, deflecting, and sort of like surface level "admittance" of their feelings and their wrongs but never fully saying "I'm sorry I did this." In terms of the crying... he has cried maybe 4 times but what I always found very odd about it and I even asked him about it every time.. is that he would "cry" for like 5 seconds and then he would be done within like a minute but he would go back to being completely normal.. it seemed strange to me because when I cry, I cry for a little while and then there's that phase where I'm calming down and the tears stop mostly but I'm still visibly very sad and maybe even crying a tiny bit and then I calm down some more... it's gradual and natural. With him.. it almost seems forced to an extent. I don't know if anyone can relate with this in their own experience but please share if you do.
My narc attacked me in the kitchen in front of the little one, at the same time shouted is this what you wanted me to do... I kept calm and said our little ones their.. and she ran off in to the moonlight of our bedroom sorry her bedroom.. not once did she hug the little one and explain herself.. I had to do it.. I became stronger and 3 month later i called her out on her bullshit. . And she said I'm sure I apologised, I said you didn't... I got the worse apology on the planet and I burst out laughing in her face.. I kicked her ass out.. and I spend more time with the little one, which pisses her off because I give my ex no attention and go no contact .. with us men it's so difficult because people seem to believe women then the men.. thanks for the vids
Good job brother I know your comment is 2 years old but I hope you stayed on track and took the power back. Hope your child is well.
My eyes have been freshly opened & everything is falling into place. My narcissist seems to almost cringe in pain if he has to apologise & the sorry is flat. I know he's not sorry & will continue his behaviour. I found myself agreeing as the clip went on. Thank you & I will continue to watch your videos on my journey and become stronger.
for me, they would deflect it with humour and sweep everything under the rug.
Dead on accurate! Well done, thank you.
‘Are you sure you are feeling ok’; or ‘Are you sure you’re in your right mind’, oh yeah and the famous, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. Even if there is a ‘I’m sorry’, the behaviour never changes and they will make you pay for humiliating them for a sorry. It’s sad at this point I’m so over it. Just so indifferent
I’ve heard so many fake “I’m sorry’s” I don’t say it myself anymore because it feels meaningless. Also, when you apologize to a narcissist you basically are accepting whatever retribution they choose to dole out. I try to avoid narcissists now but still frame my apologies as “I feel bad about doing that,” “I shouldn’t have done that - I won’t do it again.” And I don’t.
My narcissistic ex-friend would use what i later learned is called narcissistic bait...a series of nasty little comments to get me to react to then tell me that i had no tolerance and that i was oversensitive so that i in turn would apologize to him. Another tactic he used to defend his "fractured Self Illusion" was the back handed insult by insulting and criticizing me constantly then saying that it just a joke and that i had no sense of humor. I finally learned that a person who is rude to you every time; needs the positive and negative attention at any cost.
NO CONTACT is the only solution. There is no cure or nothing you can say would change them.
I have always found that sentence they use....I'm sorry that you feel that way...just so arrogant and insulting.....my daughter in law uses it and now my grandchildren....I've come to where I'm planning a huge move...I need the peace of thousands of miles...I've done all I can. Now I'm going to live for me..
Yes, that sentence sounds all too familiar. The height of arrogance
Mine said all those things. Sounded so real and like they truly got it and felt awful and were going to show me. Prove to me they're love, grow old with me, treat me how I truly deserve, go to therapy 🙄 here I am again going through all the feelings of regret for taking him back.... I get it now that was the 3rd and last time.
Petra you are the best I have watched every single one of your commentaries on the subject of narcissism when I tell you you have gotten narcissistic behavior down to a science and it is helped me so much because I am in a narcissistic relationship right now I am learning through you how to deal with this person whom I love dearly and I'm trying my best to hold on to I probably should exit for my own mental health and well-being but we've been together a long time and is very hard to exit out of something like that but your commentary is helping me relate to this type of behavior and everything that you mentioned in every commentary is right on point from the fake apologies to the not taken responsibility for any bullshit that they do to you to the point of being condescending and patronizing you all of that is definitely what I have dealt with over the years now I know it's a name for it and it's called narcissism thank you for so much for all of your commentaries on the subject💘
I love your videos, and I love your style. Thank you so much for all you do!
I know we ALL can relate to this topic. My experience with apologies were never "im sorry" but rather by a gift. That gift later on would be used against me. Also no apologies but excuses for why they abused me because " my abuse was worst than yours".
LOL i didnt know it was an abuse competition.
It gave my father free access to any type of abuse he wanted to do kinda like an abuse buffett.
I was curious to ask if you had any good books to recommend to us on narcisstic abuse/ Parental narcissistic abuse?
Thank you petra for all that you do. You truly are wonderful.
TheBestDaddy Bishes I'm currently reading "you're not crazy, it's your mother" on my kindle app. So far it's really great. Better than "will I ever be good enough". I feel like the "will I ever" book pushes forgiveness and forging a relationship of some kind with the parent. My mother is super covert and it doesn't even look like abuse, or neglect, or even negative to anyone else. I can only go with my gut. And my gut says 'get her away from me!!!!!'. I find the "you're not crazy" book to echo my feelings and needs much better. When anyone says "forgive" I get anxiety. I didn't even know it was anxiety. It feels like my blood sugar just dropped. I get shaky and buzzing in my stomach. Sweaty palms and nauseous. Just like when my blood sugar was out of balance years ago.
Nicky Lin
Thank you very much, nicky. Im definitely going to look that one up. Thanks☺
I got 'you are overthinking' and 'you assume things'. But, frankly, at one point I saw genuine emotion in their eyes. One kind gesture from me brought them on the verge of tears which this tried to control very hard, and I noticed that. It was an emotion this person really did not want me to see, and I realised their struggle to hide it. That was not an act in any way, cuz i did see through their other acts. I can't bring myself to believe that their struggle to control their tears at that time was an act.. it wasn't. It was real. Is that possible that something may have genuinely touched their heart?
I am sad, really sad that such a beautiful friendship was fake. i really feel sorry for this person.
My narc, apologize, honeymoon week, than right back at it.
Love your videos. Thank you so much for your gracefully put, invaluable perspective on this subject. You are a blessing Petra. God bless you.
Thank you so much! I feel humbled by your words. Love and blessings to you x
Thank you for the valuable information. It has been invaluable to me and to my daughters. We have all gone no contact and are working through the pain and betrayal together. This reinforces all we have gone through. It is such a lonely journey and very few are equipped to be there for you along the way. Bless you for sharing your story to help so many others.
I think you may have just saved my sanity. I was looking for the right video to click onto. The narc is saying to me oh I'm used to it whenever anything is pointed out. ive been hovered for 18 years and didn't see he was filled with self pity. Your comment about your friend saying no human emotion is alien to her. Very similar. They are cunning and devious. Thank you so much.
Yes, in my case, it's my MIL (mother-in-law), who will "strategically" make a (fake) apology in front of everyone in the joint family to re-gain control over everybody's mind and make me look like the bad person. But, this apology too is the last resort when she has exhausted all her ammunition against me and still I have proven her wrong. When there is no escape for her, she will break into crocodile tears and make herself look like a poor old soul who was only misunderstood by me, but still her heart is so big that she accepts my wrong accusations and is ready to apologize as the "bigger person" in the relationship. So, in the end, even after I have won the case on moral grounds, she is the one who takes away all the "award" in the form of the sympathies and approval of all the family members in the joint family and I am left to look like the "ungrateful" person who won't know the value of a wonderful person like her.
Last night, one attacked me because of her own paranoia. I wasn't even talking about her and she came at me with both barrels. She accused me of a ton of things, shamed me for my age, called me out of touch - and FORGAVE me for it (!!!), insulted me, and said - in the middle of it all - "I'm sorry I offended you".... Good god.
Reported for spam
You have just described 28,000 people watching this..Lol! This is spot on!
Mine never over-compensated. They became a master at convincing me I was the root of everything and I apologized endless times. I did get one apology - one - in the close to a year we were together - and it seemed so sincere I actually believed it - and after that, it was meant to wipe clean the entire slate, and even though their behavior never shifted, anytime I got upset, it was a double blame - the fact I was upset, and the fact that I wouldn't let go of the past. I was then told my reality was based in ego and unconscious mindset. Their apology was also more of a platitude - it didn't mention anything specific or anything. I lost my mind in this relationship. It's finally over, after months of agony, and I am rebuilding.
Biggest lesson - it teaches us contrast about people. I learned to see the difference in those that actually love me and those with an alterior motive.
I was told that I play the victim all the time. I thought she was a friend I let her back into my space even bought her some groceries because she didn't have any food, We stood in the shopping center and said she I'm sorry for what she did even tried to fake cry and I believed her , low and behold that didn't last long it started all over again. She started saying things like your a hater I wanted to be her, oh this is the kicker she came to my house because she said she didn't have any money lent her a 100.00 dollars, 2 days later she says to me my refrigerator is bigger than yours. Months later I called her and told her I needed my money back, she called her mother and her mother gave me money. I went no contact with her again and changed my numbers. She will never fool me again, I've been educated myself on narcissism so I'm up on the manipulations and the mind games these creatures play.
I enjoy your videos ! I'm one of your newest subscribers !
Kanequa Chancellor
Welcome! 😀
You really are going to enjoy Petra's channel. Shes really is amazing.
Dear Kanequa, welcome to this wonderful community! 💐Greetings from London!!!
Kay 100 thank you! Happy to be a part!
Kanequa Chancellor Hi sweetie! welcome and thanks for watching!
Petra a "Half Arsed appologie is no appologie".Im picking up the pieces and putting myself back together.Between yourself and the solid sense of my Son and a couple of well trusted and grounded friends I intend to get through the hold of a N.Dad.Thank you x
They also play apology scene to mess with the wounds they have inflicted into you and to check the power they stil have on your feelings, three goals in mind. Fool you into appearing as being sorry, hurt you again by reminding you of the pain they put you through before and keep knowledege of your current emotional state.
Bunches of narcissistic supply in one single shot.
So glad I found this video. I'm trying to sever a friendship with a narcissist who literally won't take accountability for any of the number of hurtful things she did and then accused me if not being sympathetic about her depression. She actally made a TH-cam video about ending our friendship and it's titled "things you shouldn't apologize for." 🤔
I am lo/no contact.
The post mothersday hoovering emails usually consist of an update of NarcM's physical pain and - what ever we have done , let it go , it is not good for you and not good for you to keep the grandchildren from us.
My cynical (?)husband says - they just want the grandkids, not you.
I don't EXPECT an apology nor even care anymore about "closure"which really bothered me I just PITY him and thank God I'm like him!!?? I'm FREEEEE A NEW GRAMMA W MY SON & BLESSED THANK TO FOR YOUR VIDEOS YOUR WONDERFUL
You are so right about fake apology! I was so stupid and I ate it like a fish
My DIL is a narcissistic witch. She has no clue what she is, but she's always must be right, better, smarter,etc. It's so exhausting!!!!
I am curious to know what your idea of a real friend is. I wish you would make a video. I may not know, so many fake people crossing my path SMH.
YoBootyStinks When there is mutual love and respect. When you can respectfully call each other out on stuff, when you can sit in silence without feeling uncomfortable and enjoy the presence of each other. A good friendship is when you are equal in integrity, lifting each other up, instead of tearing each other down. It's feeling loved and safe.
I had a bike accident 5 months ago and after coming home from the hospital a day later, my mom offered to stay at my place. I mistakenly accepted. These were her literal words when I woke up in severe pain (smashed out 3 teeth, still in recovery) and texted my friends that I had an accident: "No wonder you can never keep a job when you're always on the machine" (she calls the phone and computers that, because she hates them).
I decided to go no contact and just yesterday, I was enraged when I heard that she wrote an email to my sister, pointing out ALL of my sister's wrongdoing etc. (and of course, never apologizing or taking responsibility for her actions). So I texted her for the first time ever since, if she has a mere concept of the hurtful things she has said and that she needs to apologize. her reply (after literally being forced to apologize): "Dear son, am really sorry for saying that, BUT it was very annoying how you constantly were on that machine, without any concern for my sleep or rest. yes, we all make mistakes, btw happy u wrote, even if they are angry words."
Yes, fuck narcissists.
Thanks for advice. Each person in each situation needs to analyse there own situations thoroughly and make a decision with listening to their gut feeling, especially if speaking very loudly gut feeling. Should probably cut ties with those they feel are harmful to them in long run. Nice to here advice on what to possibly look out for.
Oh boy, do I know how this goes, and it's really hard to recognize. After a year and a half, my NM finally apologized "for real." This was because she had gone to a counselor to figure out how to get close to me again. I had told her that I was moving out. So a week before I moved out, she started to say the "right things." She seemed to display some empathy. She recognized she had hurt me. She sobbed and told me how sorry she was and that she was wrong, and she held me, and cried with me. And she told me she'd be willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. I thought she showed remorse. SO I asked her to organize a family meeting to reverse the effects of her verbal abuse. My C-PTSD comes from those family meetings from that year prior in which she and my EF belittled and verbally punched me to the point where I just froze there on the couch, hugging a pillow to my chest. I thought if she could vindicate me to the family, everything would start to heal. But she just turned on the tears and said only a small fraction of what she told me in private, and added ALL OF THE MANIPULATIVE TACTICS she used to use, like gaslighting, telling everyone she's FORGOTTEN HALF OF THE HURTFUL THINGS SHE TOLD ME, and offering all sorts of justifications again. I knew it worked when my EF went to hug HER and not ME. She even turned to me and asked me "what more do you want me to say??" making me look like the one with the knife to her back. After this...I don't know how to tell her that her apology got cancelled-out in my mind. I don't plan on bringing it up, but it hurts so much to wonder if she was truly trying and I'm not giving her a chance or proper communcation to let her know that she needs to try again. I'm resisting the urge to confront her on this knowing she is most likely a narcissist.
Oh yes, and the over-compensating. All my NM does now that I've moved out is try to send me money and buy me gifts. She hasn't asked me if I'm truly ok.
my narcissist step daughter apologised by telling me how her behaviour was justified because i was so bad. I have always done my best with her, but now am realizing there's no point, whatever i do will be wrong, so am distancing myself from her.
Ah yes ... Fake apologies. I know those so well I can recite all of them from memory because I have heard them from the Narc Spouse for so long I.e. "YOU MADE me do those mean, cruel, things; I don't remember everything that's sad; I was overwhelmed; I can't control what comes out of my mouth; YOU MADE me say those awful things because I was under stress @ (just fill in the blank here with any excuse); "Sorry" but say what they are sorry for; blowing up & yelling because you have told them they hurt you; having a childish temper tantrum; saying " I can't take this anymore or I can't cope with this anymore" & stomping out of the room & slamming a door or throwing things; putting their hands over their ears & saying that they aren't going to listen to anything else because they feel & say they are under attack because you want an apology. I could list more but this post is getting too long.
Linda Bermudez-Hafer Mine loved slamming doors. Not his security deposit on the line, after all. Dude should have tried out for Stomp (he liked to do that, too)
This reminds me of so much that I'm dealing with. The person is saying that I'm the way that they actually are. So glad I know not to simply accept what someone says anymore; that I don't give full credence to what someone says as though people only tell the truth
I have fallen for everything my mom did. It was my default mode. This video was very helpful. It has been so hard to see past this manipulation.
I nodded my head all through this. Was up to 4 with my partner who was 'apologising' for having hurt me and how he'd messed up his life after I told him it was over. He forced out some tears (the first in 19 years) and gave me some rationalisations, false epiphanies and future faking. He kept saying he'd make it up to me. I said you can't. You can move on with your life. Now is in massive over compensation phase combined with some guilt tripping victim hood as he swears he'll wait lonely and single proving his worth everyday until I heal. I cannot believe that I leant my ears to this for half the night but he is so talented and convincing. Luckily he only really engaged my pity because although handsome physically repels me now. Now he's trying to manage my departure to be helpful and this is worrying. I can't wait to fully be out of this.
The author Dana Morningstar writes several books for people who are victims of narcissistic abuse and one of the terms she uses is when someone has "fleas" from their childhood narcissistic abuse. It means that because of the ways you were taught to behave, or react, or even what relationship are or how to love, sometimes these "fleas" make you act in a narcissitic way because it was what you observed and unfortunately learned to act in similar fashions having no other good framework. I know i'm not a narcissist but I have "fleas" from that type of abuse and as a result i tend to apologize in the same very over explaining way and a lot of times people see my apologies as events rather than statements that are correct or actually empathetically apologetic or literal notices of how i didn't want that reaction and i really hate that i do that because i tend to recognize when its being done to me and feel hypocritical.
The story of your friend sounds exactly like my ex.. we stopped speaking once and she reestablished contact to discuss me calling her a narc once... cue emotional outburst of her trauma from the past that I had never heard about...i get suckered in with the sob story and she apologises for all she did, asking if something wrong with her.. she knows something is wrong but too painful to confront..
cried her eyes out apologising for hurting me... i'm crying at the story of her abuse...SHE says we can talk each day but don't have to have a label so as no pressure, lets take each day as it comes as i'm her soulmate and she wants to grow old with me she says... this goes ok for a little while until she starts going out and then come the stories of men buying her drinks and giving her attention - but she says she's not interested in them and she's telling me because she can't help but be honest...expecting me to be comfortable with it as we're not together yet have declared love to each other - "why should it bother you, you dont' want to commit to me" - YES because this is the exact same stuff you just cried your eyes out apologising for that I was enduring for almost 3 years, knowing that you do like the attention of other men - I've lived committed to her but she acts like a single woman... but there was always a justified reason..
then they "somehow" get her number, she tells me 3 weeks afterwards, but its not her fault that they're persistent and found her number begging her for a date...arghhhh.. absolute poison... what normal person entertains the attention of other men CONSISTENTLY if they're allegedly "crazy in love" with someone else... that was my final cue for no contact.. it really is a dangerous dance with a covert narcissist...
As someone once said, I saw the red flags but I thought it was a carnival!... Wish healing to all those sufferers of this hideous emotional abuse..
I have a great example of a fake apology from my narc husband. We work together & I bring my little dog to work each day. Yesterday I accidentally ran over my dog's foot with a wheel on my rolling desk chair. My dog had fallen asleep directly behind me and as she yelped I only knew she was in pain or distress, but hadn't realized why yet. Just as the dog yelped, my husband also made a very loud noise and jumped out of his chair really fast (normally he pays my dog no mind no matter what, except to show anger if she begs food from him). Between the dog's yelp & my husband's behavior I thought something truly awful had happened. My dog was fine.
For years my husband has often overreacted if I make an unexpected noise or spill a glass of water or whatever. We often work construction, and someone can drop a heavy tool right over our heads & my husband doesn't react. Someone can abruptly cut us off in traffic & there's no overreaction. It only happens when I'm the offender. I know he's exaggerating to highlight that I've made a mistake. Yesterday I asked him why he does it. He got furious! He shoved his chair, swore at me, stormed out of the office slamming the door. When he returned he gave me The Silent Treatment.
I said I was sorry (as usual) that I had offended and angered him. I waited for him to apologize for his overreaction. Hearing the word sorry from his mouth is a rare, rare thing. But he surprised me! He said "I'm sorry you ran over your dog's foot". I explained I didn't expect him to apologize for what I'd done, but for his overreaction. He said "I'm sorry I reacted". I got the message. He was just a poor abused husband who isn't even supposed to react to my crazy behavior.
Some of us have a clear conscious
Let God be the greatest judge
Has never actually said ‘sorry’ for attempting to destroy my whole life. Pure evil
Dear Shelley, when you completely accept the reality of a situation., you neutralize the chaos and drama. The chaos and drama are perpetuated by your resistance to them. A toxic person will never take responsibility and therefore never apologize, as they prefer to blame you for the fact that you feel terrible. Forgive yourself for tolerating the abuse and create your own closure, as you will never get it from the other party. Love to you x
I remember i recorded my ex narc because he was taking his rage out on my house ..lol smh when i let him here it instead of apologizing he got more upset. They think that anything neg they do to u is justified. Im so glad I left no contact 9 months😄🙌
Love and courage to you Candia!
I just blocked my sarcastic ex again because he used Corona as a subject to reach out. It's been 2 years, I've came to know my self better and I often look back at the past realizing I've grown so much. I've took a big step forward. A part of me wanted to be nice, but I know exactly what he wants is attention, a supply of self esteem. Once I see this pattern of him coming back time after time, it's on me to break this pattern and end it.
I have story to tell you about my ex narc husband and his actions on that final day he was here and how lame his so called apology...OMGOODNESS IT WAS AN EYE OPENER
The narcissists apology?..."I'm sorry you feel that way". Smirk. I know it well!
Just 1 narc is enough to make you an expert on them!
I wrote a well thought out tactful (because I didn't want to hurt his feelings!) letter to my narc ex. He replied by saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way. Then proceeded to say the hell he was going through and called me out on my behaviour (which was a reaction to his behaviour) and then totally going off on a tangent!