When you first meet your DA, you'll have no idea. Affection and intimacy is laid on thick. After a few months it tapers off. You become a background accessory, while they become more detached. You do everything you can to keep them happy because you sense something's not right. If you try to discuss it they get defensive. You're left bewildered after being love bombed initially. The harder you try, the more emotionally distant they become. Mine struggled to even make eye contact right from the start. To me, that's a basic pleasure of love and connection. Now she's completely Dismissive and Avoidant and probably starting the cycle all over again with a newbie.
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help
If you’ve arrived at this video and you’re hesitant to end your relationship with a DA, my advice is to end it immediately and don’t look back. Then work on yourself to figure out your attachment style and what is behind it. You’ll soon attract someone who is willing to do the work to build a mutual relationship.
I've been wrestling for weeks to do it or not. Officially ended it yesterday. Blocked him after. He always told me I'm such a wonderful beautiful person I'll be able to go find someone and be happy. Rn I just want to be left alone to heal. This was my first ltr after being widowed and I feel like I failed and wasted precious time. I'm glad I'm walking away. Idk if I'll ever try to date again, but at least the chaos is gone and that's a blessing in itself
This is literally what happened to me. She completely deactivated from one second to another and gastlighed my reality. I doubted my feelings, my judgment and my own perception of reality about what just happened. That shit is fucking chaotic for someone unprepared...
@@gn2665 A lot of times a relationship/breakup with a highly avoidant person can feel like a narcissist discard. They tend to withdraw so much they reject accountability for their behavior. It's much easier for them to blame everything on their partner and justifying the breakup that way to themselves. They're really good at suppressing and rejecting their own emotions so a lot of times they gaslight/project. To a normal person, it feels abusive. The difference is intent... so often times, it looks and feels the exact same....... When in doubt, RUN from a DA... They're basically a narcissist with low-level empathy.
Same boat! Extremely sudden break up, not even 24 hours from the last I Love You to the break up. It took me a couple months to notice that my ex had framed our relationship in dismissive terms post-break up, further contributing to my self doubts and gaslighting. My ex apologized for hurting me, and I know it was sincere, but he did nothing to actually help me find closure (he broke up over text) and yet I kept wondering if I was the one being too hard or unfair on him after all of it. I find I have to remind myself almost daily that I know what my relationship was, and the break up was abnormal. That I am sane, responding to something totally unusual.
@@HeavenlyEchoVirus You are sane, I went through the same thing. It hurts each and every day, and I miss her, but for the cruel and cold way that she treated me after our great relationship, I honestly hope that I never hear from her, or see her again. She was pure evil. I hope that I never date a DA ever again!!
"while their coldness, their radio silence or their absence may feel like a slap in the face, that doesn't have to take away from the very real love and connection that you shared" (4'26") "just because you broke up and your ex is treating you differently now doesn't mean that you didn't have a relationship that was meaningful to you" (6'23") Thank you Katya, this is just about the most empowering thing I've heard about the topic in over three months...
When we want nothing from others, they are attracted to us. When we do want something from others, it pushes them away. Leaving the DA & keeping no contact, is key to moving on.
DA's are an absolute shitshow. No arguments or drama, but 3 breakups completely out of nowhere - only correlated with having had really cool events together merely weeks earlier. One was a birthday I pulled out all the stops for, the other was a mini holiday. How mentally fucked (let's be real here, they're mentally fucked) do you have to be to run away from good things? It's NOT worth tiptoeing around a relationship. Building great memories of great experiences and feeling great about the relationship only for that very thing to be the thing that kills it? Nah. After the first breakup I know exactly what I was dealing with, and I thought I could make it work. 2 years later I admit I've wasted an important part of my life. Once you realise what they are, stay away from these fruit loops.
It’s a messed up breakup because they want to trigger your abandonment wounds and drive you crazy. They’re cowards who need you to cut the cord. They’ll never say nice sentiments or give you closure
I’m AP and I just blocked my DA cos I felt string along. I no longer want to be part of the cycle. In 12 months I’ve had the ap/da dance up to 5 times and it’s no good for my anxiety and mental health. I blocked and deleted him and will now focus on myself.
I (FA) cut off the contact to my DA last September without warning, but after another round of breadcrumping, stringing me along and after a more than two-year cycle of back and forth. Unfortunately I couldn't convince myself by now to block and delete his number for good and so he his still in my head "without paying rent". 😒
Thank you for this video. After a breakup with no closure I am having the hardest time with doubting my reality. I feel like I'm describing a dream when I talk about our relationship, because it so far and opposite from how this are now. It makes me feel crazy. Great content.
She pushed me away 4 times until I left, over 10 year period.. every time it was her that came to me wanting me back. The 4th break up, she cried and begged. I came back and married her. Now 8 years later, 4 of those years living as roommates. She wants divorce. Her behavior is really strange and insane, I must have been insane for thinking she could change. I others don't do what I did. I wasted 18 years of my and too many years heart broken.
2.5 years with a DA, it left me broken and lost. I had no idea about attachment styles until about a week ago. It’s such a game changer to be able to understand why things were the way they were. I felt like I was going crazy trying to understand why this person I loved so much and gave so much too kept pushing me away and nothing ever seemed to be good enough. Then I read about all these people who went through the exact same things and it matches my situation to a T. It’s really validating to know I wasn’t crazy and the things I felt were true, actually were. Granted I didn’t understand the extent of how toxic she was or how hopeless the situation was, but now I do and it makes all the difference in moving on.
Exactly what happened to me, became distant, no emotional support and focused on her self preservation, now she is an ice queen and felt I wasted 5 years of my life after moving 1300 miles to be with her. I wish I knew then what I know now. It sucks. Avoid avoid avoid these types ……in reflection there were red flags but I did not recognize them or understand what I was dealing with.
I went through this with a 20-year relationship with my dismissive avoidant ex-wife. Was the most most painful thing I ever went through or ever expect to go through. This is helpful. Thank you.
@@droflivelifeMy DA bumped me recently after a 11 month relationship. Am also in agony. The more days of no contact, the easier it will get. Don’t make my mistake and allow the DA back in via phone calls and texts. After 6 weeks, I started responding to him and have become unhealthily enmeshed. Stay strong and respectful to yourself and yr process
8 years for me, now less then 2 months after the break up, she’s already engaged to somebody and moced in with them to another country 3 weeks after our break up. Shellshocked is the perfect word for it. I understand the PTSD feeling, I have it too. These videos and attachment theory are life savers
By far the best video on youtube that explains how perplexed someone who has been dumped by a Dismissive Avoidant! It would be great if you could do a specific video on when someone is monkey-branched by a DA and explain the dynamics of it.... It is hard to explain to friends how messed up your reality and emotional state are after being "abandoned* by a DA and how the DA views their breaking up with you. Again....this video you have made is a masterpiece of understanding this nightmare that I am sure all partners of DA's go through after a breakup
I Whatsapp blocked my ex-DA last week and I feel good and free. I love him but I do not need him. I might re-consider dating him again in some years if and only if he evolves by doing therapy, or by having a humbling experience. Anyway, I am ready to meet a secure and healthy man. I did psychotherapy for 12 years, then I met my last DA. This time, things were different for me. I fell in love but fell out of love faster. the relationship lasted 3 months. No pain only acceptance of his DA attachment style. I am giving myself a certificate of secure attachment. YAY!!
Your videos are pure Gold. I have finally got the answers I was seeking. Thanks a lot. 🙂 Relationship duration: 8 years I was the one who initiated breakup because she was DA and I couldn't take it anymore,(back then I didn't know what DA really means) i was just frustrated to the point that breaking up was my only option because I have always wanted a relationship where I can feel I was loved (ofcourse in a language that i can understand) but unfortunately I went back and requested her to take me back and then I got rejected by her. I wish I had done some research about DA before I went back to her, it would save me from unspeakable insults and pain.
This is insane, it will be three years next month and I’m still trying to cut the cord. I still think of her daily, and I just don’t understand how we went from a fun adventurous relationship and talking every day. To not speaking in two years, and her resenting me. I feel like I’m never going to heal from this..
Knowledge is what will set you free. Always remember why she was a bad addition for your life and mental well being. Keep telling your self why having her in your life would make you miserable and unfulfilled in the long run. This habit helped me to move on lot faster. Its not that difficult to evaluate bad qualities of a DA anyways 😅 they are full of insecurities and BS
I’m right there with you. Married 9 years and never saw it coming. The betrayal and destruction is unimaginable. Shell shock when she left. Didn’t make sense. Figured it out when I googled it. The more I learned the more the moments and memories we created over the last 9 years that meant everything to me, suddenly meant nothing. I loved the life I built with her, and every single thing that I loved about that life has been taken from me. Even the memories…
It's now been a year since he kissed me and waved goodbye to go home on New Year's Eve morning of 2022 and then never reached out to me again (I did see him once in March when I collected something that belonged to me). I am afraid I will never love someone that passionately and unconditionally again. Our last night together was blissful and wonderful and he was particularly vulnerable that night. And then "poof" he's gone after eight months of so much love that included seven really fun road trips. I want to cry whenever I hear the Lord Huron lyric "I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you...oh take me back to the night we met. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you...oh take me back to the night we met." In the beginning there is so much promise and you feel like you have met the person you were meant to be with~~and when they leave you cold like that your whole body goes into shock. Hopefully, never again.
Exactly what I went through. After a year of planning we moved in and she pulled away harshly. 5 months of trying I packed up and left. 3 years later I still am baffled by it all b/c the relationship was so real.
@@asher6047no most don't. And this are the ones who more often than not refuse to go to therapy. Mine said she was afraid of what she would find out about herself.
@@asher6047 I fully believe this for most. My ex, I know he desperately wanted someone there, but he hadn't healed his own trauma, so he didn't know how to keep it or maintain it. I feel sad for him.
I’d like to thank you so much for creating such incredibly informative, accurate content. I just broke up with a DM after being with him for a little over a year. I’m actually on the secure side of the attachment spectrum; when he switched off at the end, it was so incredibly disconcerting… and although it hurt, I didn’t have to think twice about walking away. I don’t doubt he loved me and whatever it was that triggered him had nothing to do with me, but it is still very painful. My heart is broken but there were enough red flags there for me to know better to take the hit now than to continue the romantic relationship with him and experience even more damage. However, I hope in the future that we will reconnect as friends again.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, Danielle! Choosing yourself is always the right choice! It sounds like your love and devotion is better suited elsewhere.
@@SpicyLunarDust despite the emotional damage sustained when trying to forge a committed relationship with the DA, there would have been a part of that connection that was genuine and there's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship later on. I kept a distance for some time until I was feeling good about myself again. In fact I think I had become secure and was even in a relationship with someone else when I next met up with the DA. Wanting to punish them is not healthy at all, and one must remember the reasons for why the avoidant was avoidant. They were victims to the poor treatment from a primary caregiver. The suffer tremendous pain and confusion, but they are masters of suppressing the memories. However they'll still find a way to the surface at times. What is important though if staying friends with them, is to not befriend them as a secret way to win them back, that's deceitful.
It’s like a mental asylum out there. Best to be prepared, for one never knows when those pesky psychological disorders will harsh your mellow & soak your pillows in lonely teardrops ☯️
Amazing video, and very on point. I know I gave her my all and the love was real on my end. But after how she has behaved and the things, she has done I doubt it was ever real for her. Some people out there are just cruel liars it seems, and I picked one to fall for this last time. Time to just pick up the pieces and move on.
You released this exactly what I needed to hear it 😂 My ex and I are still talking a little because we both knew we needed to split up and we were always really good friends. But yesterday when we saw each other for the first time I realized I still had a tiny bit of hope in the back of my head. Your DA videos have helped me a lot to make it through this whole thing! Thanks 😊
My ex boyfriend ended our 4 year relationship, we lived together for 2 years. He chalked it up to sorry we aren’t compatible and I don’t see a future with you. Which is nuts bc you know if you are compatible by at least the first year and we discussed our values and everything to find out if we were compatible. Anyways, I accepted the break up hurt and all because I felt he definitely lacked emotional maturity, wasn’t able to be provide emotional intimacy and vulnerability, communicating his thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of avoidance behaviours as describe with DA, scared of speaking up and confrontation or any conflict. Anyways, I decided I would move back home with my folks didn’t want to stay at the apartment I couldn’t fkn be there I was heartbroken. So after that, he knew I would be coming by to the apartment to grab my stuff. It was a process so I had to go there a few times. The only contact was in informing him what days I’d be coming by so he wouldn’t be around. Only two weeks had gone by, when I was at the apartment with my folks and siblings helping me pack up, my mom was doing a sweep and check through with me in the apartment and unfortunately we found condom package by his side of the bed. I knew it wasn’t from me, so it was fkn heart shattering because it felt like a slap in my face that I invested 4 years of my life to someone and they could fuck someone in what was our shared apartment, and the bed that WE shared while also knowing, I had to still come back there to get my stuff. I indeed told him I found the condom and I just said in a text : As I was packing up the last of my things I found an open condom pack on the floor in the bedroom. Thank you for showing me who you are. - he never replied. Later he blocked me on all social media. My brother was there that day and saw that he did that. My ex was a guy that had stated he never liked casual hook up because it make him feel like shit after. So this behaviour to me is fkn toxic and it was out of character for him in my eyes. I can’t even make fkn sense of it. But knowing now that he was a dismissive avoidant, I can at least accept and understand the behaviour. I don’t fkn want that for me. He will repeat this in the best relationship - all his avoidant behaviour, coping mechanisms, deactivating etc. so Idgaf
As an AP person with an on and off long distance DA partner that is pretty detached and ghosting every now and then, this was pretty gut wrenching for me to read. I know I don't know you personally but I just want to say I'm so sorry you had to see that and go through that. Its definitely just not right that he would do that while the breakup is basically happening and while you are getting your stuff, clearly its not normal behavior, definitely red flag type of stuff, and he hurt you immensely and doesn't even seem to feel remorse for it. If he did, he probably wouldn't even say anything anyways. Still though, ugh thats just bad. Things will get better with time, you will find someone that doesn't breadcrumb you or treat you this way, and for him, just like my partner, I think it will take them going through a few relationships or hearing the same things that we tell them from other new people before they realize "hmm, maybe I do have some things I need to work through after all". Of course, thats the optimistic viewpoint, they very well may never change. But with my partner, he did message me once (when he was more open and actually told me things) that he knew his mom made him turn out this way, it was a rare moment where he showed me that he was self aware, and since then I did tell him about attachment theory, he doesn't care for it now but I know one day me might just look up the stuff I told him about and work on himself. As I mentioned before, my partner is long distance and he turns his online statis invisible sometimes, he has also hidden from me specifically a couple of times, one of those times I was having massive anxiety about starting a new job, and instead of comforting me throughout it, he said he was tired and going to bed and tried to appear offline (he didn't know the platform he was using shows that he wasn't really offline though) and when I questioned him on why he changed his status and did I say something wrong??? he said "oh sorry, I decided to look at some private images you sent me and jerk off and I didn't want to be awkward about it" and he explained he did it because he missed me. I honestly felt taken aback because I can get being horny and wanting to use my stuff, but theres a time and a place for it and the fact that he felt like it was okay to hide from me and also use some other version of me to do sexual things to instead of recognizing my anxiety and trying to help at all in that moment really broke my heart. If the roles were flipped, I never would have even thought about doing something sexual or even been in the mood for such a thing when I know my partner is in distress and needs me in that moment. Its stuff like that that shows that they don't care or don't know how to care unfortunately (not saying all DAs are like this or can't change). Sorry for going on and on but I did want to express my condolences and also share that I know how it can be
What was it about discovering he'd had sex with another woman that made you feel so bad and triggered? You'd already severed the relationship at this stage, so presumably you weren't feeling scared of a possible abandonment. Does it make you feel different about yourself and your capabilities and are those feelings justified do you think?
@@roberttruman8444 are you a fukn dummy? She was in the relationship with him for four years...they break up and before shes moved any of her belongings he was fuckng another woman in her bed. What part dont you understand?
I appreciate this video and I am very grateful to you. Most TH-camrs are talking about how to get the DA back which only feeds the hope and therefore, delays the healing. I am going to unsubscribe to any channel talking about this issue as I really want to heal God willing. Maybe he will come back and if he does, may he find me ready and stronger. Thank you very much ❤
Amazing content. After having more information about DA I feel like I understand the situation, but I just want to deny the fact that I get to live this even tough I didn't deserve or i would do this to someone. It keeps me stuck. I guess waste of hopes and losing the closure (which also wasn't fake during the relationship) feels unreal.
@Zainab Yusuf Jarma oh did you want me to text him via WhatsApp? So I can give him money? I think you forgot to add that. Scammers need money right? That’s your job right?
Lady please stop the old story line that the reason why we can't get over a DA or simply an emotionally immature bad person is due to childhood trauma. How about the simple answer is, we can't believe a human could be so cruel to another human and we simply hope they will recognize their horrible behavior and get help. That's the facts.
After a few break ups I could feel the intensity of our feelings increase after contact ended, even if our connection to each other had faded over time.
I wouldn't call it a breakup, really. He's just ghosting me. After stringing me along for over a year. No goodbye. No closure. Nothing. At least I know what I mean to him.
Me too. A one-year dance, with him coming on strong then backing off. Now he's ghosting me. I expect him to dance back, as usual, but I'm done with it. So done.
@@northofyou33 Don't take him back. Ghosting you is clear evidence of how little consideration he has for your feelings. This person doesn't have the skill set to be in a healthy relationship.
@@jillainenewman1358 how can you know that a person is being deliberately inconsiderate unless they tell you? Assuming someone else's POV based simply on how you personally see it is incredibly harmful. It's giving way to fantasy and not helping you become any more secure or self aware.
No closure.. but why can’t they wish you well? - I wished my DA ex well for the future several times .. each time nothing in return.. Her behaviour now has tainted the experience of 4 years with her .. feels like it was all false .. the woman I loved has gone.
For a DA to wish well a permanent Goodbye is required and often these people are indecisive and quite dumb so you have to do everything. You have to put an end to everything and you have to move on. They become "stuck" and don't know what to do.
@@nugget6635 Thank you 🙂 I have finally come to terms and moved forward.. I can only see with hindsight that the whole relationship was false now.. whether intentional on her part or subconsciously.. doesn’t really matter now .. I hope she finds happiness anyway.
@@bch5758 I don't know enough to say it's "false" it's a characteristic of DAs to be indecisive and weak to negative emotions. That's why they are avoidant, they avoid everything, they avoid sadness and anything humans feel that might be too strong for them.
My still partner completely turned over the moment she realized she was pregnant with out first child. She never kisses me, hugs, wants to have sex or even attempts any kind of physical contact. Chances are that when I leave she will act as if she doesn't care.
Have yo confronted her about this? You cannot survive without getting your needs met. So if you cannot rescue your marriage then find another way of getting needs met. Tell her you want to open up your side of the relationship in order to allow other people into your life and to meet your needs. Otherwise you'll not be showing up as yourself and you'll gradually lose hope and self-respect.
I'm sure it's very rare, but what happens when the anxious preoccupied breaks up with their DA partner. Do either of them feel and react differently. I get the feeling it could be quite helpful to the AP to take control of this situation as by doing so they are making a commitment to themselves to not look back, while the DA presumably will simply follow their training and learn to rationalise it without introspection and move onto the next relationship with yet another AP to begin the Groundhog Day scenario.
I am an AP and broke up with a DA. Sadly I tried to go back to him after the break up. Eventually we did get “back together” but it was never good and ultimately I found out he was lying to me, seeing someone else and I cut all contact with him! Unbelievable how after 18 years in reality I didn’t know him at all!
@@nicoleflusk5434 I am so sorry for what you are going through! For me the break-up came after 16 years. MY reality was that we had the 'perfect relationship' (a view shared by our friends and families), yet he walked away as if the intimacy that we had shared for 16 years was nothing more than a casual weekend hookup! The part of the breakup that hurt more than anything else was the surreal feeling that I was the only one who was going through a break-up... Within 24 hours, the love of my life, my partner, my team mate, became a stranger and like you - it felt like I did not know him at all.
@@yolandaleroux3749 wow. I am so sorry to hear this! Their ability to detach is unreal. They become almost robotic. It’s definitely difficult to understand and even when I told my ex I didn’t know him like this he seemed us phased and had literally nothing to say. All we can do is remember they are broken and it’s not because of us! We deserve better. Hang in there❤️
I broke up with my DA (I’m FA leaning AP) we decided to be friends, it was a bit volatile but settled down the last two weeks and was going great and it appears he is ghosting me now. It’s triggering my rejection/abandonment wounds but I’m reminding myself that this is NOT about me!
Excellent Katya ! Leaving my ex girlfriend was necessary, knowing why but at the same time took a few years to master mind and process a lot of emotions brought on especially with my last and maybe final relationship which was short lived next to other relationships in my lifetime. Non the less a very powerful relationship psychologically. Bonne continuation madame Katya et bonne journée 🙏
Thank you for this my DA won’t stop the contact and I’ve been debilitated by his daily calls and texts since ending our relationship with out warning. We are 62 years old. I don’t want this situationship but have found it difficult to cut the chord. X
My DA boyfriend started so warm and seemed to be into meeting my needs and investing in the relationship. Over time he got overly stressed by his personal family issues which require majority of his time. Since February he has almost cut me out of his life talking very little to me and acting very cold. I feel like he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but doesn’t break up with me. Does the DA break up if they are no longer interested?? Or do they string along without breaking things off? I just don’t know if this is temporary because of his personal stress. He told me it has nothing to do with me but as a AP all I feel is that he isn’t interested in me or our relationship anymore!!
Oh my gosh.... the same thing happened with me and my ex. It so difficult to deal with. If I could go back in time I would have told him very firmly that if he wants to stay in this relationship he needs to start communicating with me how he's feeling and what's going on. It was constant chaos in his life and I became the lowest priority. Heartbreaking...... we broke up February. We stayed friends but even that became progressively toxic because he just couldn't meet me half way. Difficult for a AP because we long for connection and they need space. There had to be some middle ground. Be patient and let him come to you...if you can
Don't bother, my Da did the same thing. If they're pulling away hard, it is because you have done something to disrupt their life, they'll avoid you and your needs, until you eventually break it off with them. He's a coward! Do yourself a favour and cut that cord quickly!
They string you along..i have been in ur place, where my ex DA family had issues, he drifted away and then dumped me.u should focus on urself now.cut all contact.soon with time you will be able to get a clear picture of the relationship.i used to think without my bf i will not be able to breathe, but i am breathing.its difficult but is it healthy to hold on to a person who doesn't even care about ur feelings.people need space to fix their shit, i get that.but abandoning your romantic partner just like that is not a mature thing.ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with such a person who will abandon you whenever life will throw curveball at him..i know i cant..so with a heavy heart, i am letting my bf go.
I am sorry but my DA partner ended an almost ten years relationship by text out of the blue. You do not do that to people. There is no excuse to this behaviour.
Hmm when your partner of thirteen years blows up and walks out and never addresses it in six weeks kinda makes you doubt they were ever that serious about you! Especially when this is just how they act all the time, but on steroids.
No one seems to understand this life long pain we feel from being traumatized over and over again, just by different emotionally unavailable people in different bodies. From childhood to adulthood to midlife.... no matter how much we heal, how much work we do on ourselves, how rational - educated or intelligent we are, it is the same awful, burning, piercing through the heart betrayal. Like what are we supposed to do?? Turn cold and evil, using our childhood traumas as a weapon against others, like the majority of people? well I am just not made to be that way, hurtful and lacking empathy for others.... I am the opposite.... I literally hate this matrix we are stuck in and cannot wait to get out of it. I am walking away from this avoidant person. That is not the issue. I have been hurt and abused so much I am very good at cutting off and never looking back. But how many times can I do this??? THat really f'n hurts.
Hopefully I don't get judged too bad for this but first of all I do feel like these videos are very helpful. I learned through watching them that I'm the DA unfortunately. I dont match all the details exactly but I do recognize certain things. I'm actually having a hard time with it all because I don't typically self diagnose or anything. I wish I could have done things differently. I'm still in contact with my partner but I do feel like I dealt alot of hurt towards her. Any tips? I'd like to understand how I can do better.
Hi Elijah! Thank you for your openness. No judgment here. Can you say more about the kinds of tips you’re looking for? What you’d like support in? You’re also welcome to e-mail me.
Thank you Katya, I have been motivated recently to change my ways and grow so I don't spread pain and suffering to those around me or myself even. As a nurse I know it's best to get help than guess but after watching several videos and reading I've learned that I may be a DA. It's a bit relieving but stressful to know I guess. After watching this video right here, I resonated with just about every single point made. It's a video from a fellow youtuber th-cam.com/video/9iH1aoxl-R0/w-d-xo.html A big one is navigating my own feelings and feeling comfortable being vulnerable and connecting well with others. It's a bit overwhelming to think about the work that must be done but I'm ready. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, what is your email?
I am understanding the DA now that I know what it is. this video was right on. I am in a really good place. I know its over but willing to try again as the Love was real. I know much of what she does is "uncontrollable" for her now. she has been in therapy for years over trauma issues. Not sure she even knows she is a DA? if we make contact, would it be good to discuss that I see her as having DAP? So much to unpack here... oh and thank you for the great insight!!
This describes my situation perfectly but the issue I have is why do you throw in the towel once you understand everything? Seems to me that the relationship could be much stronger knowing all this. Why just give up?
They are afraid of themselves. They have very negative views of themselves and are afraid to face their true selves and the wounds that they know exist within them and are afraid to learn about the ones they don't know about. I was able to read my DA ex like a fucking book and I pointed out so much to her about herself that had a negative impact on me and the relationship sometimes and I couldn't even even talk to her about how something made me feel without her getting upset, taking it as criticism, stating an argument them turning things around on me. They are deadly afraid of accountability and I wasnt letting her escape it
Are avoidants mean? I'm confused if mine is a narcissits or not. He would comment on my body a lot and say I wasn't thick enough. When I shower emotion he would call me a princess and to sensitive. Either way he was mean.
I would say he either sounds like a narcissist or just a mean person... From my experience DA's aren't mean normally, until they deactivate and leave you. The moment they decide they don't want you in their life they do a 360 and become extremely cold and almost act like you never matter to them and say a lot of hurtful things to push you away. But when they do want you in their life they usually aren't mean and can even be very sweet. So are you still together if I may ask?
Hey Marisa, thanks for your feedback. I do provide quite a bit of content (that people seem to find valuable) on my TH-cam channel, all of which is free. That said, this channel is part of a business and I do use it for the marketing of my services. Though, I think I make that pretty evident in my videos.
Constructive criticism: the constant hand motions while speaking and poor editing (too jumpy, too jump many cuts) are not only highly distracting and anxiety provoking but disallow for proper processing of the information. If you’re having a hard time being able to speak for 10 minutes without all the hand flapping and hyper jump cuts, I suggest making the videos shorter. I appreciate the content but it really is so highly distressing to watch.
Hi, her videos are helping many people including myself to heal, if one feels the need to constantly correct another (as I've seen this post response on other vids), please save it or post it privately or reserve it for another forum. Again, her methodology is helping many so if one is not keen to her style I am sure there are many other videos that will assist, again, this is her channel, thus these are her vids, and they are working for many of us.
I agree that the hand gestures are really annoying - I have to cover her body with my hand and just watch her face speaking. It’s ok to give constructive criticism - I’d want to know if it were me :)
So I ended the relationship⁴ four months ago out of self respect. As you see I was in the friend zone. So about a week ago I asked her for one of her recipes to which she replied with a video. Happy with that. Much too quickly - four days - I sent her a photograph of my cat nicely perched on a cushion gift she gave me for Christmas. To which I got this reply. "Andy I wld appreciate if you wld refrain from sending me anymore texts. I am trying to move on from this painful period in my life and it does not help when you approach me and text me. Your wish was to end our friendship and I have honoured that and I only ask that you allow me to move on. Thank you." I'm privileged that she admits it has been painful for her. She's an Avoidant and I'd been feeling ill treated and used for a long time. I actually felt she had done all but dump me. I think the best thing to do is to leave this for a few weeks and come up with a reply. The question is... what reply? Stick around for further installments.
Not to sound mean, but she literally told you not to text her anymore and that she's moving on. Why would you even think about texting her again? At that point it's turning into harrassment.
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
Ready to cut the cord? Book a session here >> www.katyamorozova.me/services-2/
The lonliest you'll ever be in your life is when you are with a DA monster.
When you first meet your DA, you'll have no idea. Affection and intimacy is laid on thick. After a few months it tapers off. You become a background accessory, while they become more detached. You do everything you can to keep them happy because you sense something's not right. If you try to discuss it they get defensive. You're left bewildered after being love bombed initially.
The harder you try, the more emotionally distant they become. Mine struggled to even make eye contact right from the start. To me, that's a basic pleasure of love and connection.
Now she's completely Dismissive and Avoidant and probably starting the cycle all over again with a newbie.
This was my last 6 months. To a fucking T
@ragingphoinix9144 same here
This feels so familiar that it's making me lurch.
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help
That sounds intriguing, I’m curious what exactly does the spiritual counselor do?
His name is Father Abulu and he's an amazing spiritual counselor who specialize in helping people reconnect with their ex
I’m grateful for your suggestion, you have no idea how much this means to me.
i was with a da for 17 year what you learn after they suddenly leave is that the only one in the relationship was you
If you’ve arrived at this video and you’re hesitant to end your relationship with a DA, my advice is to end it immediately and don’t look back. Then work on yourself to figure out your attachment style and what is behind it. You’ll soon attract someone who is willing to do the work to build a mutual relationship.
Excellent comment
What if you’re in your early 60s?.. hmmm
@@caroshmarowsame!
I've been wrestling for weeks to do it or not. Officially ended it yesterday. Blocked him after. He always told me I'm such a wonderful beautiful person I'll be able to go find someone and be happy. Rn I just want to be left alone to heal. This was my first ltr after being widowed and I feel like I failed and wasted precious time. I'm glad I'm walking away. Idk if I'll ever try to date again, but at least the chaos is gone and that's a blessing in itself
@@caroshmarow Never too late to get out of a toxic relationship that makes you unhappy. I’m 61.
DA’s are all about themselves. It’s what is “easiest” for them.
This is literally what happened to me. She completely deactivated from one second to another and gastlighed my reality. I doubted my feelings, my judgment and my own perception of reality about what just happened.
That shit is fucking chaotic for someone unprepared...
This sounds more like what a narcissist would do than a DA
@@gn2665 A lot of times a relationship/breakup with a highly avoidant person can feel like a narcissist discard. They tend to withdraw so much they reject accountability for their behavior. It's much easier for them to blame everything on their partner and justifying the breakup that way to themselves. They're really good at suppressing and rejecting their own emotions so a lot of times they gaslight/project. To a normal person, it feels abusive. The difference is intent... so often times, it looks and feels the exact same....... When in doubt, RUN from a DA... They're basically a narcissist with low-level empathy.
Same boat! Extremely sudden break up, not even 24 hours from the last I Love You to the break up. It took me a couple months to notice that my ex had framed our relationship in dismissive terms post-break up, further contributing to my self doubts and gaslighting. My ex apologized for hurting me, and I know it was sincere, but he did nothing to actually help me find closure (he broke up over text) and yet I kept wondering if I was the one being too hard or unfair on him after all of it. I find I have to remind myself almost daily that I know what my relationship was, and the break up was abnormal. That I am sane, responding to something totally unusual.
@@HeavenlyEchoVirus You are sane, I went through the same thing. It hurts each and every day, and I miss her, but for the cruel and cold way that she treated me after our great relationship, I honestly hope that I never hear from her, or see her again. She was pure evil. I hope that I never date a DA ever again!!
@Flagirl1985 He was a clown for that! What a punk ass coward!
"while their coldness, their radio silence or their absence may feel like a slap in the face, that doesn't have to take away from the very real love and connection that you shared" (4'26")
"just because you broke up and your ex is treating you differently now doesn't mean that you didn't have a relationship that was meaningful to you" (6'23")
Thank you Katya, this is just about the most empowering thing I've heard about the topic in over three months...
Best thing I ever did was end it. Exercise your boundaries and picture what a healthy relationship would feel like
Thank you for that advise.
When we want nothing from others, they are attracted to us.
When we do want something from others, it pushes them away.
Leaving the DA & keeping no contact, is key to moving on.
Great and true comment right there
DA's are an absolute shitshow. No arguments or drama, but 3 breakups completely out of nowhere - only correlated with having had really cool events together merely weeks earlier. One was a birthday I pulled out all the stops for, the other was a mini holiday. How mentally fucked (let's be real here, they're mentally fucked) do you have to be to run away from good things?
It's NOT worth tiptoeing around a relationship. Building great memories of great experiences and feeling great about the relationship only for that very thing to be the thing that kills it? Nah.
After the first breakup I know exactly what I was dealing with, and I thought I could make it work. 2 years later I admit I've wasted an important part of my life. Once you realise what they are, stay away from these fruit loops.
Shit show 😂😂😂😂
❤️
Very well said.
Curious what you mean by "fruit loops"
@@Joz1 means unstable as fuck, basically. Avoid the avoidants and you’ll be grand
It’s a messed up breakup because they want to trigger your abandonment wounds and drive you crazy. They’re cowards who need you to cut the cord. They’ll never say nice sentiments or give you closure
I’m AP and I just blocked my DA cos I felt string along. I no longer want to be part of the cycle. In 12 months I’ve had the ap/da dance up to 5 times and it’s no good for my anxiety and mental health. I blocked and deleted him and will now focus on myself.
@hsiehmay great actually. Thanks for asking 😊
Same exact thing with me
I (FA) cut off the contact to my DA last September without warning, but after another round of breadcrumping, stringing me along and after a more than two-year cycle of back and forth. Unfortunately I couldn't convince myself by now to block and delete his number for good and so he his still in my head "without paying rent". 😒
@Flagirl1985 I've been thinking about this possibility as well, but I can't really differentiate between DA or narcissistic traits in behavior.
Same. 4 1/2 yrs.
Thank you for this video. After a breakup with no closure I am having the hardest time with doubting my reality. I feel like I'm describing a dream when I talk about our relationship, because it so far and opposite from how this are now. It makes me feel crazy. Great content.
Great description...like a dream...it's just their coping mechanism and it's super painful.
She pushed me away 4 times until I left, over 10 year period.. every time it was her that came to me wanting me back. The 4th break up, she cried and begged. I came back and married her. Now 8 years later, 4 of those years living as roommates. She wants divorce. Her behavior is really strange and insane, I must have been insane for thinking she could change. I others don't do what I did. I wasted 18 years of my and too many years heart broken.
They have shoved their emotions down so far ; repressed true childhood and they idealize the parents who were neglectful.
2.5 years with a DA, it left me broken and lost. I had no idea about attachment styles until about a week ago. It’s such a game changer to be able to understand why things were the way they were. I felt like I was going crazy trying to understand why this person I loved so much and gave so much too kept pushing me away and nothing ever seemed to be good enough. Then I read about all these people who went through the exact same things and it matches my situation to a T. It’s really validating to know I wasn’t crazy and the things I felt were true, actually were. Granted I didn’t understand the extent of how toxic she was or how hopeless the situation was, but now I do and it makes all the difference in moving on.
I was an idolized boyfriend until the day she left. Was written off like garbage. Total disrespect.
I feel the same way...like tip toeing through a minefield so not to trigger them.
Exactly what happened to me, became distant, no emotional support and focused on her self preservation, now she is an ice queen and felt I wasted 5 years of my life after moving 1300 miles to be with her. I wish I knew then what I know now. It sucks. Avoid avoid avoid these types ……in reflection there were red flags but I did not recognize them or understand what I was dealing with.
What were the red flags?
Yes what were the red flags?
@@cetoniaaurata5176 Yep sounds about right!
I also moved the countries to be with the person to only find out that he was cold and distant and flirted with others when I wasn't around
I went through this with a 20-year relationship with my dismissive avoidant ex-wife. Was the most most painful thing I ever went through or ever expect to go through. This is helpful. Thank you.
I don't know how you did 20 years. Mine left me 2 months ago after a year together and I'm traumatised
@@droflivelifeMy DA bumped me recently after a 11 month relationship. Am also in agony. The more days of no contact, the easier it will get. Don’t make my mistake and allow the DA back in via phone calls and texts. After 6 weeks, I started responding to him and have become unhealthily enmeshed. Stay strong and respectful to yourself and yr process
8 years for me, now less then 2 months after the break up, she’s already engaged to somebody and moced in with them to another country 3 weeks after our break up.
Shellshocked is the perfect word for it. I understand the PTSD feeling, I have it too. These videos and attachment theory are life savers
34 years for me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
@@Karen-mx2fp Have compassion for yourself and take it one day at a time.
This video just confirms that breaking up with a da sucks and provides no guidance or solutions.
By far the best video on youtube that explains how perplexed someone who has been dumped by a Dismissive Avoidant!
It would be great if you could do a specific video on when someone is monkey-branched by a DA and explain the dynamics of it....
It is hard to explain to friends how messed up your reality and emotional state are after being "abandoned* by a DA and how the DA views their breaking up with you.
Again....this video you have made is a masterpiece of understanding this nightmare that I am sure all partners of DA's go through after a breakup
Ugh so true it’s awful
I Whatsapp blocked my ex-DA last week and I feel good and free. I love him but I do not need him. I might re-consider dating him again in some years if and only if he evolves by doing therapy, or by having a humbling experience. Anyway, I am ready to meet a secure and healthy man. I did psychotherapy for 12 years, then I met my last DA. This time, things were different for me. I fell in love but fell out of love faster. the relationship lasted 3 months. No pain only acceptance of his DA attachment style. I am giving myself a certificate of secure attachment. YAY!!
I love that! You deserve that certificate! And you’re the only one who can really determine that anyway. 🥳
Maybe I should block my ex too (also 3 months relationship) because I can't focus on my life at all
@@lovewins3321 better to focus on yourself first, then you'll have quality to offer.
Your videos are pure Gold. I have finally got the answers I was seeking. Thanks a lot. 🙂
Relationship duration: 8 years
I was the one who initiated breakup because she was DA and I couldn't take it anymore,(back then I didn't know what DA really means) i was just frustrated to the point that breaking up was my only option because I have always wanted a relationship where I can feel I was loved (ofcourse in a language that i can understand) but unfortunately I went back and requested her to take me back and then I got rejected by her. I wish I had done some research about DA before I went back to her, it would save me from unspeakable insults and pain.
I’m in a similar situation, have you reconnected with her at all? Did she ever reach out?
I'm in a very similar situation. If you want her back is it better to not reach back out to her?
I am a shell of a person after i met the "girl of my dreams"
This is insane, it will be three years next month and I’m still trying to cut the cord. I still think of her daily, and I just don’t understand how we went from a fun adventurous relationship and talking every day. To not speaking in two years, and her resenting me. I feel like I’m never going to heal from this..
I feel exactly the same it's been 18 months. I can't get this girl put of my head even though she didn't treat me right.
Knowledge is what will set you free. Always remember why she was a bad addition for your life and mental well being. Keep telling your self why having her in your life would make you miserable and unfulfilled in the long run. This habit helped me to move on lot faster. Its not that difficult to evaluate bad qualities of a DA anyways 😅 they are full of insecurities and BS
I’m right there with you. Married 9 years and never saw it coming. The betrayal and destruction is unimaginable. Shell shock when she left. Didn’t make sense. Figured it out when I googled it. The more I learned the more the moments and memories we created over the last 9 years that meant everything to me, suddenly meant nothing. I loved the life I built with her, and every single thing that I loved about that life has been taken from me. Even the memories…
I just broke up with my DA (last one I'll ever date), and your videos are so helpful to me. Thank you so much.
It's now been a year since he kissed me and waved goodbye to go home on New Year's Eve morning of 2022 and then never reached out to me again (I did see him once in March when I collected something that belonged to me). I am afraid I will never love someone that passionately and unconditionally again. Our last night together was blissful and wonderful and he was particularly vulnerable that night. And then "poof" he's gone after eight months of so much love that included seven really fun road trips.
I want to cry whenever I hear the Lord Huron lyric "I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you...oh take me back to the night we met. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you...oh take me back to the night we met." In the beginning there is so much promise and you feel like you have met the person you were meant to be with~~and when they leave you cold like that your whole body goes into shock. Hopefully, never again.
I had a very similar breakup with my DA wife. Thanks for sharing! She was also particularly vulnerable the night before she left.
@@pinnymusic I'm so sorry. It's devastating and I can't imagine it happening with an actual spouse.
@@loverofbeautifulthings thank you!! I can’t believe it either!
Exactly what I went through. After a year of planning we moved in and she pulled away harshly. 5 months of trying I packed up and left. 3 years later I still am baffled by it all b/c the relationship was so real.
I don't think they even understand themselves
@@asher6047no most don't. And this are the ones who more often than not refuse to go to therapy. Mine said she was afraid of what she would find out about herself.
@@asher6047 I fully believe this for most. My ex, I know he desperately wanted someone there, but he hadn't healed his own trauma, so he didn't know how to keep it or maintain it. I feel sad for him.
@@ragingphoinix9144 Same. I feel
sorry for mine, although, he would hate that…
Can somebody tell me the part where she talked about how to cut the cord because I just feel like I watched an infomercial .
I’d like to thank you so much for creating such incredibly informative, accurate content. I just broke up with a DM after being with him for a little over a year. I’m actually on the secure side of the attachment spectrum; when he switched off at the end, it was so incredibly disconcerting… and although it hurt, I didn’t have to think twice about walking away. I don’t doubt he loved me and whatever it was that triggered him had nothing to do with me, but it is still very painful. My heart is broken but there were enough red flags there for me to know better to take the hit now than to continue the romantic relationship with him and experience even more damage. However, I hope in the future that we will reconnect as friends again.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, Danielle!
Choosing yourself is always the right choice! It sounds like your love and devotion is better suited elsewhere.
You don’t really want that kind of person as a friend though.. That’s your feelings talking.
@@SpicyLunarDust despite the emotional damage sustained when trying to forge a committed relationship with the DA, there would have been a part of that connection that was genuine and there's nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship later on. I kept a distance for some time until I was feeling good about myself again. In fact I think I had become secure and was even in a relationship with someone else when I next met up with the DA. Wanting to punish them is not healthy at all, and one must remember the reasons for why the avoidant was avoidant. They were victims to the poor treatment from a primary caregiver. The suffer tremendous pain and confusion, but they are masters of suppressing the memories. However they'll still find a way to the surface at times.
What is important though if staying friends with them, is to not befriend them as a secret way to win them back, that's deceitful.
@@roberttruman8444 This is gold
It’s like a mental asylum out there. Best to be prepared, for one never knows when those pesky psychological disorders will harsh your mellow & soak your pillows in lonely teardrops
☯️
This felt like a huge Aha moment for me! Rewatched a few times! Thank you :)
So glad it resonated. 🤗 thanks for commenting. ♥️
I have had 20 plus breakups over 4 yrs with her. She responded with hate texts. She had me addicted by intermittent reinforcement. Still hard for me
Same with me
Amazing video, and very on point.
I know I gave her my all and the love was real on my end. But after how she has behaved and the things, she has done I doubt it was ever real for her. Some people out there are just cruel liars it seems, and I picked one to fall for this last time.
Time to just pick up the pieces and move on.
Another authoritative, articulate and clear exposition. This is an excellent channel, in which important phenomena are lucidly interrogated.
Thank you, again, for your thoughtful comment. 🙂
You released this exactly what I needed to hear it 😂 My ex and I are still talking a little because we both knew we needed to split up and we were always really good friends. But yesterday when we saw each other for the first time I realized I still had a tiny bit of hope in the back of my head. Your DA videos have helped me a lot to make it through this whole thing! Thanks 😊
You're welcome! Glad the timing was helpful. 😉
Any update?
My ex boyfriend ended our 4 year relationship, we lived together for 2 years. He chalked it up to sorry we aren’t compatible and I don’t see a future with you. Which is nuts bc you know if you are compatible by at least the first year and we discussed our values and everything to find out if we were compatible. Anyways, I accepted the break up hurt and all because I felt he definitely lacked emotional maturity, wasn’t able to be provide emotional intimacy and vulnerability, communicating his thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of avoidance behaviours as describe with DA, scared of speaking up and confrontation or any conflict. Anyways, I decided I would move back home with my folks didn’t want to stay at the apartment I couldn’t fkn be there I was heartbroken. So after that, he knew I would be coming by to the apartment to grab my stuff. It was a process so I had to go there a few times. The only contact was in informing him what days I’d be coming by so he wouldn’t be around. Only two weeks had gone by, when I was at the apartment with my folks and siblings helping me pack up, my mom was doing a sweep and check through with me in the apartment and unfortunately we found condom package by his side of the bed. I knew it wasn’t from me, so it was fkn heart shattering because it felt like a slap in my face that I invested 4 years of my life to someone and they could fuck someone in what was our shared apartment, and the bed that WE shared while also knowing, I had to still come back there to get my stuff. I indeed told him I found the condom and I just said in a text : As I was packing up the last of my things I found an open condom pack on the floor in the bedroom. Thank you for showing me who you are. - he never replied. Later he blocked me on all social media. My brother was there that day and saw that he did that. My ex was a guy that had stated he never liked casual hook up because it make him feel like shit after. So this behaviour to me is fkn toxic and it was out of character for him in my eyes. I can’t even make fkn sense of it. But knowing now that he was a dismissive avoidant, I can at least accept and understand the behaviour. I don’t fkn want that for me. He will repeat this in the best relationship - all his avoidant behaviour, coping mechanisms, deactivating etc. so Idgaf
I'm sorry he did that. You deserve better and I'm glad you got out of that situation
As an AP person with an on and off long distance DA partner that is pretty detached and ghosting every now and then, this was pretty gut wrenching for me to read. I know I don't know you personally but I just want to say I'm so sorry you had to see that and go through that. Its definitely just not right that he would do that while the breakup is basically happening and while you are getting your stuff, clearly its not normal behavior, definitely red flag type of stuff, and he hurt you immensely and doesn't even seem to feel remorse for it. If he did, he probably wouldn't even say anything anyways. Still though, ugh thats just bad. Things will get better with time, you will find someone that doesn't breadcrumb you or treat you this way, and for him, just like my partner, I think it will take them going through a few relationships or hearing the same things that we tell them from other new people before they realize "hmm, maybe I do have some things I need to work through after all". Of course, thats the optimistic viewpoint, they very well may never change. But with my partner, he did message me once (when he was more open and actually told me things) that he knew his mom made him turn out this way, it was a rare moment where he showed me that he was self aware, and since then I did tell him about attachment theory, he doesn't care for it now but I know one day me might just look up the stuff I told him about and work on himself. As I mentioned before, my partner is long distance and he turns his online statis invisible sometimes, he has also hidden from me specifically a couple of times, one of those times I was having massive anxiety about starting a new job, and instead of comforting me throughout it, he said he was tired and going to bed and tried to appear offline (he didn't know the platform he was using shows that he wasn't really offline though) and when I questioned him on why he changed his status and did I say something wrong??? he said "oh sorry, I decided to look at some private images you sent me and jerk off and I didn't want to be awkward about it" and he explained he did it because he missed me. I honestly felt taken aback because I can get being horny and wanting to use my stuff, but theres a time and a place for it and the fact that he felt like it was okay to hide from me and also use some other version of me to do sexual things to instead of recognizing my anxiety and trying to help at all in that moment really broke my heart. If the roles were flipped, I never would have even thought about doing something sexual or even been in the mood for such a thing when I know my partner is in distress and needs me in that moment. Its stuff like that that shows that they don't care or don't know how to care unfortunately (not saying all DAs are like this or can't change). Sorry for going on and on but I did want to express my condolences and also share that I know how it can be
What was it about discovering he'd had sex with another woman that made you feel so bad and triggered? You'd already severed the relationship at this stage, so presumably you weren't feeling scared of a possible abandonment. Does it make you feel different about yourself and your capabilities and are those feelings justified do you think?
@@roberttruman8444 are you a fukn dummy? She was in the relationship with him for four years...they break up and before shes moved any of her belongings he was fuckng another woman in her bed.
What part dont you understand?
I'm so sorry. That sounds like an absolute nightmare, honestly.
I needed this. Its over and I'm ready to move on.
I appreciate this video and I am very grateful to you. Most TH-camrs are talking about how to get the DA back which only feeds the hope and therefore, delays the healing. I am going to unsubscribe to any channel talking about this issue as I really want to heal God willing. Maybe he will come back and if he does, may he find me ready and stronger. Thank you very much ❤
Amazing content. After having more information about DA I feel like I understand the situation, but I just want to deny the fact that I get to live this even tough I didn't deserve or i would do this to someone. It keeps me stuck. I guess waste of hopes and losing the closure (which also wasn't fake during the relationship) feels unreal.
Totally get this❤I was I that head loop for years but now I'm out the other side you will get there
He tried to kill me so I had to leave. Abusive and punishing. I’m glad he walks this earth alone and is no longer my responsibility.
@Zainab Yusuf Jarma oh did you want me to text him via WhatsApp? So I can give him money? I think you forgot to add that. Scammers need money right? That’s your job right?
@Zainab Yusuf Jarma send me your address and bank account. Go.
This is more than dismissive avoidance. Sorry for your experiences.
Superb. You nailed it. Thanks for coming up with the really deep issues.💕
My pleasure 😊
Lady please stop the old story line that the reason why we can't get over a DA or simply an emotionally immature bad person is due to childhood trauma. How about the simple answer is, we can't believe a human could be so cruel to another human and we simply hope they will recognize their horrible behavior and get help. That's the facts.
BINGO
Thank you Katya. This helped me
After a few break ups I could feel the intensity of our feelings increase after contact ended, even if our connection to each other had faded over time.
Yes this! Weird isn't it. That's why I've gave up even trying to stay friends
I wouldn't call it a breakup, really. He's just ghosting me. After stringing me along for over a year. No goodbye. No closure. Nothing. At least I know what I mean to him.
Me too. A one-year dance, with him coming on strong then backing off. Now he's ghosting me. I expect him to dance back, as usual, but I'm done with it. So done.
@@northofyou33 Don't take him back. Ghosting you is clear evidence of how little consideration he has for your feelings. This person doesn't have the skill set to be in a healthy relationship.
@@jillainenewman1358 Yes, you are so right. I forgive way too easily. I know it's not healthy. *sigh*
@@northofyou33 You are not alone but we shall over it.
@@jillainenewman1358 how can you know that a person is being deliberately inconsiderate unless they tell you? Assuming someone else's POV based simply on how you personally see it is incredibly harmful. It's giving way to fantasy and not helping you become any more secure or self aware.
No closure.. but why can’t they wish you well? - I wished my DA ex well for the future several times .. each time nothing in return..
Her behaviour now has tainted the experience of 4 years with her .. feels like it was all false .. the woman I loved has gone.
For a DA to wish well a permanent Goodbye is required and often these people are indecisive and quite dumb so you have to do everything. You have to put an end to everything and you have to move on. They become "stuck" and don't know what to do.
In other words she just didn't have the balls to say a permanent GoodBye. She is a coward.
@@nugget6635 Thank you 🙂 I have finally come to terms and moved forward.. I can only see with hindsight that the whole relationship was false now.. whether intentional on her part or subconsciously.. doesn’t really matter now .. I hope she finds happiness anyway.
@@bch5758 I don't know enough to say it's "false" it's a characteristic of DAs to be indecisive and weak to negative emotions. That's why they are avoidant, they avoid everything, they avoid sadness and anything humans feel that might be too strong for them.
Same here he refuses to say goodbye in a nice way ghosted me instead
My still partner completely turned over the moment she realized she was pregnant with out first child. She never kisses me, hugs, wants to have sex or even attempts any kind of physical contact. Chances are that when I leave she will act as if she doesn't care.
Have yo confronted her about this? You cannot survive without getting your needs met. So if you cannot rescue your marriage then find another way of getting needs met. Tell her you want to open up your side of the relationship in order to allow other people into your life and to meet your needs. Otherwise you'll not be showing up as yourself and you'll gradually lose hope and self-respect.
I'm sure it's very rare, but what happens when the anxious preoccupied breaks up with their DA partner. Do either of them feel and react differently. I get the feeling it could be quite helpful to the AP to take control of this situation as by doing so they are making a commitment to themselves to not look back, while the DA presumably will simply follow their training and learn to rationalise it without introspection and move onto the next relationship with yet another AP to begin the Groundhog Day scenario.
That’s a great question. I’ll keep this in mind for a possible video topic.
I am an AP and broke up with a DA. Sadly I tried to go back to him after the break up. Eventually we did get “back together” but it was never good and ultimately I found out he was lying to me, seeing someone else and I cut all contact with him! Unbelievable how after 18 years in reality I didn’t know him at all!
@@nicoleflusk5434 I am so sorry for what you are going through! For me the break-up came after 16 years. MY reality was that we had the 'perfect relationship' (a view shared by our friends and families), yet he walked away as if the intimacy that we had shared for 16 years was nothing more than a casual weekend hookup! The part of the breakup that hurt more than anything else was the surreal feeling that I was the only one who was going through a break-up... Within 24 hours, the love of my life, my partner, my team mate, became a stranger and like you - it felt like I did not know him at all.
@@yolandaleroux3749 wow. I am so sorry to hear this! Their ability to detach is unreal. They become almost robotic. It’s definitely difficult to understand and even when I told my ex I didn’t know him like this he seemed us phased and had literally nothing to say. All we can do is remember they are broken and it’s not because of us! We deserve better. Hang in there❤️
I broke up with my DA (I’m FA leaning AP) we decided to be friends, it was a bit volatile but settled down the last two weeks and was going great and it appears he is ghosting me now. It’s triggering my rejection/abandonment wounds but I’m reminding myself that this is NOT about me!
This was a great video. 👍 thanks for the content.
So why do they reconnect only to close down again?
For ego to know your still there if they want you. Selfish reasons about themselves not you. X
@@Miriam-ul4ke Theyre most definately selfish. Theyre issues are real and cause others deep pain. Thankyou for the repley 🥰
“You oughta wean her. She’s old enough.”
The Big Sleep
Raymond Chandler
Excellent Katya ! Leaving my ex girlfriend was necessary, knowing why but at the same time took a few years to master mind and process a lot of emotions brought on especially with my last and maybe final relationship which was short lived next to other relationships in my lifetime. Non the less a very powerful relationship psychologically. Bonne continuation madame Katya et bonne journée 🙏
Thanks for sharing!
Don’t give up on love just yet tho. 😉
@@KatyaMorozova Ha ha, never once and never will give up on love, I've always had from an early age love for the natural ways of life 😉
@@topeakadi43 Great news !
l wish you both many years of happiness and adventures together
🙌💛🙌
Thank you for this my DA won’t stop the contact and I’ve been debilitated by his daily calls and texts since ending our relationship with out warning. We are 62 years old. I don’t want this situationship but have found it difficult to cut the chord. X
My DA boyfriend started so warm and seemed to be into meeting my needs and investing in the relationship. Over time he got overly stressed by his personal family issues which require majority of his time. Since February he has almost cut me out of his life talking very little to me and acting very cold. I feel like he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but doesn’t break up with me. Does the DA break up if they are no longer interested?? Or do they string along without breaking things off? I just don’t know if this is temporary because of his personal stress. He told me it has nothing to do with me but as a AP all I feel is that he isn’t interested in me or our relationship anymore!!
Oh my gosh.... the same thing happened with me and my ex. It so difficult to deal with. If I could go back in time I would have told him very firmly that if he wants to stay in this relationship he needs to start communicating with me how he's feeling and what's going on. It was constant chaos in his life and I became the lowest priority. Heartbreaking...... we broke up February. We stayed friends but even that became progressively toxic because he just couldn't meet me half way. Difficult for a AP because we long for connection and they need space. There had to be some middle ground. Be patient and let him come to you...if you can
@@erinajoan Couldn’t stay friends (even though he was the one pushing for that) coz couldn’t meet half way. Depressingly familiar
Don't bother, my Da did the same thing. If they're pulling away hard, it is because you have done something to disrupt their life, they'll avoid you and your needs, until you eventually break it off with them. He's a coward! Do yourself a favour and cut that cord quickly!
@@Anna-ei9ng What kind of disruption is it normally?
They string you along..i have been in ur place, where my ex DA family had issues, he drifted away and then dumped me.u should focus on urself now.cut all contact.soon with time you will be able to get a clear picture of the relationship.i used to think without my bf i will not be able to breathe, but i am breathing.its difficult but is it healthy to hold on to a person who doesn't even care about ur feelings.people need space to fix their shit, i get that.but abandoning your romantic partner just like that is not a mature thing.ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with such a person who will abandon you whenever life will throw curveball at him..i know i cant..so with a heavy heart, i am letting my bf go.
I am sorry but my DA partner ended an almost ten years relationship by text out of the blue. You do not do that to people. There is no excuse to this behaviour.
That's horrible 😢😢
@ Thank you for your empathy
Hmm when your partner of thirteen years blows up and walks out and never addresses it in six weeks kinda makes you doubt they were ever that serious about you! Especially when this is just how they act all the time, but on steroids.
No one seems to understand this life long pain we feel from being traumatized over and over again, just by different emotionally unavailable people in different bodies. From childhood to adulthood to midlife.... no matter how much we heal, how much work we do on ourselves, how rational - educated or intelligent we are, it is the same awful, burning, piercing through the heart betrayal. Like what are we supposed to do?? Turn cold and evil, using our childhood traumas as a weapon against others, like the majority of people? well I am just not made to be that way, hurtful and lacking empathy for others.... I am the opposite.... I literally hate this matrix we are stuck in and cannot wait to get out of it. I am walking away from this avoidant person. That is not the issue. I have been hurt and abused so much I am very good at cutting off and never looking back. But how many times can I do this??? THat really f'n hurts.
Very helpful ! thanks
Hopefully I don't get judged too bad for this but first of all I do feel like these videos are very helpful. I learned through watching them that I'm the DA unfortunately. I dont match all the details exactly but I do recognize certain things. I'm actually having a hard time with it all because I don't typically self diagnose or anything. I wish I could have done things differently. I'm still in contact with my partner but I do feel like I dealt alot of hurt towards her. Any tips? I'd like to understand how I can do better.
Hi Elijah! Thank you for your openness. No judgment here. Can you say more about the kinds of tips you’re looking for? What you’d like support in? You’re also welcome to e-mail me.
Thank you Katya, I have been motivated recently to change my ways and grow so I don't spread pain and suffering to those around me or myself even. As a nurse I know it's best to get help than guess but after watching several videos and reading I've learned that I may be a DA. It's a bit relieving but stressful to know I guess. After watching this video right here, I resonated with just about every single point made. It's a video from a fellow youtuber
th-cam.com/video/9iH1aoxl-R0/w-d-xo.html
A big one is navigating my own feelings and feeling comfortable being vulnerable and connecting well with others. It's a bit overwhelming to think about the work that must be done but I'm ready. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, what is your email?
I am understanding the DA now that I know what it is. this video was right on. I am in a really good place. I know its over but willing to try again as the Love was real. I know much of what she does is "uncontrollable" for her now. she has been in therapy for years over trauma issues. Not sure she even knows she is a DA? if we make contact, would it be good to discuss that I see her as having DAP? So much to unpack here... oh and thank you for the great insight!!
You always have good things to say. :)
Thanks Joe! 😊
:)
Why does my da call me? He told me two days ago he has a gf now even after we went on a few dates recently! Now he’s calling me? Wtf
PS she was going out behind my back a couple of months at least before we broke up and surprise, she’s all over the new guy.
This describes my situation perfectly but the issue I have is why do you throw in the towel once you understand everything? Seems to me that the relationship could be much stronger knowing all this. Why just give up?
They might not be able to grow with u??
They are afraid of themselves. They have very negative views of themselves and are afraid to face their true selves and the wounds that they know exist within them and are afraid to learn about the ones they don't know about. I was able to read my DA ex like a fucking book and I pointed out so much to her about herself that had a negative impact on me and the relationship sometimes and I couldn't even even talk to her about how something made me feel without her getting upset, taking it as criticism, stating an argument them turning things around on me. They are deadly afraid of accountability and I wasnt letting her escape it
This does not say how ot cut the cord. It tells you to take a class to find out.
Are avoidants mean? I'm confused if mine is a narcissits or not. He would comment on my body a lot and say I wasn't thick enough. When I shower emotion he would call me a princess and to sensitive. Either way he was mean.
I would say he either sounds like a narcissist or just a mean person... From my experience DA's aren't mean normally, until they deactivate and leave you. The moment they decide they don't want you in their life they do a 360 and become extremely cold and almost act like you never matter to them and say a lot of hurtful things to push you away. But when they do want you in their life they usually aren't mean and can even be very sweet.
So are you still together if I may ask?
Unfortunately yes. He keeps on creeping back in. I keep on letting him I guess. I have to end it
I'd book a session with you but seriously...$225/hour!!!?? I don't have that money
Thanks for commenting Erina. I’m working on some more cost effective options for coaching.
Therapist don't even charge that much. Usually therapist is paid for by insurance. Therapist genuinely want to help people.
That is more then a Dr who is a specialist. Hopefully the rates are become more affordable. Ty for your videos.
Accurate information but only helpful if you pay a ton of money for private sessions. Might as well just be an advertisement.
Hey Marisa, thanks for your feedback. I do provide quite a bit of content (that people seem to find valuable) on my TH-cam channel, all of which is free. That said, this channel is part of a business and I do use it for the marketing of my services. Though, I think I make that pretty evident in my videos.
Waste of time
Constructive criticism: the constant hand motions while speaking and poor editing (too jumpy, too jump many cuts) are not only highly distracting and anxiety provoking but disallow for proper processing of the information. If you’re having a hard time being able to speak for 10 minutes without all the hand flapping and hyper jump cuts, I suggest making the videos shorter. I appreciate the content but it really is so highly distressing to watch.
Hi, her videos are helping many people including myself to heal, if one feels the need to constantly correct another (as I've seen this post response on other vids), please save it or post it privately or reserve it for another forum. Again, her methodology is helping many so if one is not keen to her style I am sure there are many other videos that will assist, again, this is her channel, thus these are her vids, and they are working for many of us.
You make the same comment on all her videos. If it bothers you so much DON’T WATCH her videos
I agree that the hand gestures are really annoying - I have to cover her body with my hand and just watch her face speaking. It’s ok to give constructive criticism - I’d want to know if it were me :)
How rude! I have adhd and speak like that. If you don’t like it, don’t watch! This video is amazing, helps me so much. Exactly my situation
Listen to it instead and have the phone next to you but not looking at it will help. X
Sounds like a paratrooper...
So I ended the relationship⁴ four months ago out of self respect. As you see I was in the friend zone. So about a week ago I asked her for one of her recipes to which she replied with a video. Happy with that. Much too quickly - four days - I sent her a photograph of my cat nicely perched on a cushion gift she gave me for Christmas. To which I got this reply. "Andy I wld appreciate if you wld refrain from sending me anymore texts. I am trying to move on from this painful period in my life and it does not help when you approach me and text me. Your wish was to end our friendship and I have honoured that and I only ask that you allow me to move on. Thank you." I'm privileged that she admits it has been painful for her. She's an Avoidant and I'd been feeling ill treated and used for a long time. I actually felt she had done all but dump me. I think the best thing to do is to leave this for a few weeks and come up with a reply. The question is... what reply? Stick around for further installments.
Maybe don't text you can do better
Not to sound mean, but she literally told you not to text her anymore and that she's moving on. Why would you even think about texting her again? At that point it's turning into harrassment.
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
That sounds intriguing, I’m curious what exactly does the spiritual counselor do?
His name is Father Tosin Ayodele and he's an amazing spiritual counselor who specialize in helping people reconnect with their ex
I’m grateful for your suggestion, you have no idea how much this means to me.