I needed to hear this today. I finally realized how much I was enabling, and when my loved one got his second DUI last week, I didn’t answer the jail phone call and blocked the number-deleted the voice messages without listening-and am filing for divorce. This is year 13 of a relapse that has been a roller coaster of horrific proportions. I was ill prepared. It took this many years of gradually figuring out how I was enabling to finally get to what I did last week. I have felt guilty today and your video came up today- helped me to lose the guilt trip and know I’m doing the right thing. Divorce isn’t where I wanted to be, but the financial devastation coming down on me from this has become untenable. This video was so helpful-many will benefit from hearing what you said. Thanks!
Your comment helped me! I need not to answer call from jail! Not listening the messages and block the number when this happens! I was been so blind I even bailed him out iam paying for that bcauz he is not responsible to pay! I was enabling a bad bad behavior! And he was getting so comfortable!
Don’t ever feel guilty, as someone in recovery who has dealt with tough love it’s what has to happen for us to change. Do what you have to do for you, you can’t help him be sick anymore. All the best to you.
I stopped enabling my Son just over 3 weeks ago. It was hard but I had to set boundaries for his sake as well as my own. I haven't had contact with him, and until he seeks professional help my decision will remain as such. Sending love to anyone who is in this situation ❤️
Thank you for this. I didn't enable my brother. My father hated me for it. My family continued to enable him. He died at 32. You are a good man. Thank you for sharing.
You tell the truth brother, I can relate as a 42 YO recovering addict with 5 plus years clean, crack and alcohol brought brought me to my knee’s. I had to end up on the streets to hit bottom, happened 4 times before I finally climbed out of it. Started recovery in 2008 what a long road but making it now. People were done with me and the mess I created and it definitely helped me in the end. Spent the last 3.5 years doing outreach work and realized I couldn’t do it anymore, so many people dying and just didn’t feel like I was actually helping, so walked away to go back to school.
You make great points. My point is.... What does a family do with an addicted person (alcohol or drugs) who if they would set boundaries.... in the real world where it leaves them (a family )in financial ruins if they part or threating to leave. This plays a HUGE role in why people don't set a boundary or leave them if they don't change. This is HUGE! This is REAL cause of why people don't do it
Thank you because my daughter got mad at me when i called her dad. Thank you for the words to help say what's needed. I do lay my head down at night with pain in my heart, and i told her "I'm here and i will help you change, but i will not help you stay the same" praying she continues with treatment
4:38 hit home for me... Being willing to stay in the relationship as is, is enabling! Whoaa ... Well that broke it down right there! Staying in it is not helping it's showing that I agree with it! Wow. Thank you! Omg and he said one time if i am so disrespectful etc then why are you here? This is truly NOT the man I married! 💯💯💯
That makes so much sense because when I stayed in the relationship with my son, it took everything in me not to say anything even though I was being lied to and just being quiet, bothered the hell out of me. Being taken for a fool just to keep him in my life.
My son is an addict and its literally ruining my life ..i cant be happy i have developed ptsd and severe anxiety as a result of his addiction as well as destroying my family ...i and my family have enabled him but not to intentionally help the addiction ..but hoping he would see how much he is loved and supported but i am seeing a therapist who is giving me the strength to step back ..i didnt sleep at all lastnight knowing he is out there somewhere using its a selfish disease that has no mercy but i am learning to allow him to figure it out himself ..its so hard ...many prayers needed and prayers to anyone dealing with this in their family its destroying me 🙏
Amen, regarding keeping the cell phone paid for. Amen!!! I was sooooo guilty of that. The phone. The cars, the gas, the "spending money". I was/am the worst enabler of my wife
I just love the way you explain addiction and the practical and real down to earth examples you use. I have watched tons of talks and think yours are simply great and easy to understand . I live in South Africa and wish you were here to help so many of our loved ones going to this . Thank you for your dedication , time and care . Bless you .
@@TheUnbroken-withSamDavis just watched your story of addiction.. well done for all the hard work you have done on yourself and for sharing your story. Keep going . Bless u
I saved this video and every time I feel like I need to reach out to my addicted son, then I watch the video to give me the courage not to. This is terribly painful, I cry everyday for what used to be and how life is like living on the edge.
Thank you so much for this, I moved interstate because I couldn’t watch him do that to himself anymore. It took 3 days for him to realise I was gone - that’s how intoxicated he was. It’s one week yesterday since I left, he claims he is going to get the help he needs but after all of the lies I just don’t know what to believe anymore. His family and I are in constant contact to try to encourage him to help himself. My heart and soul is shattered but there is nothing else I can do other than hope he gets help. He’s going from constant texts and calls to ghosting, I’m so confused as to what to do. I am returning for a few days in two weeks to sort things out with work and pick up a few personal items, I hope to have a face to face talk with him if I can catch him sober. He normally runs away or changes the subject whenever I broach any topic that addresses the effects of his behaviour- he would rather blame me. The worst thing is that he’s a beautiful person when sober and is loved by many. 😢
This was a wonderful video. I learned the hard way that I’ve been enabling my husband during his addiction. 14 years of heartache, confusion, financial ruin, and pain. He’s in treatment and actively working on his recovery, but it took all these years. I want to just move on with my life, but he’s trying so hard.. it’s a misery I don’t wish on my worst enemy if I had one.
Good points wish i could find my oldest daughter haven't seen her in over 2 years a sad cycle of jail let out to sober living and she runs back to the street when we let her home she brought stuff into our household and have two minor daughter's we can jeopardize custody of its hard i miss my daughter i couldnt enable any more but piece of my heart is missing i pray she breaks her cycle 😢 i pray she finds recovery
I have walked in your shoes for many years....I have finally learned NO is a complete sentence when dealing with someone with an addiction. Stay strong. Karen from Canada 🇨🇦
The friends that run to their rescue, cover up their lies hiding their alcohol, listen to their woe's and complaints about how everyone has victimized them, listening to their negative talk and listening to them repeat how people are taking advantage of them, how nobody loves them. Hear them say I hate you, you are mean to me and you don't care because you don't let me do what I want to do is drink all day and destroy my life, how dare you make me responsible for alcohol abuse when you are the one who has issues. This stuff I heard over and over by my housemate and friend, she has refused help. I can now only walk away and turn her over to her devices it will not end well for her, it's a slow death. My prayers and compassion are with her, I leave the door open for that someday for this prodigal daughter to come home and be set free.
The phone you pay for is a direct line to the dope man..... Wow. I've struggled so hard with knowing what to do about his phone. I can't keep paying for this phone!
I am struggling with a man I have Loved for 7 yrs he a vegetarian and an alcoholic beer drinker for 30+ yrs he doesn't eat enough too sustain his body 3 times too the hospital this yr already and all they do is patch him up and send him home he's so fragile right now at 55 yrs. He has bleeding ulcer and gastritis malnutrition he cant walk without a walker now I have been playing hard ball with him asking him the hard questions but he gets mad won't talk about it I beg him too eat I now have a relationship that I am now a caregiver and didn't think that I would be at this age of 55 sitting with him makes me cry it so hard too see him this way in my heart I know I have too walk away but I always come back too help a little at a time if it helping with laundry or shopping for food cleaning a mess he can't we don't smile anymore we don't laugh the elephant so big In a small room he's depressed and so am I .I don't think I could stand too hear over a phone that he's dead I am so heartbroken over this.I want too do the right thing for him because I love him but I think it would kill him faster if I wasn't there 😢
Thank you for sharing this most challenging of time with me. Boundaries and a plan are essential as well as really understanding alcoholism. Here’s a good resource for that. www.interventiononcall.com
The phone thing was interesting... I wasted hundreds of dollars trying to keep my son with a phone so I could keep in touch and they were lost stolen broken... I finally let it go and stopped replacing them. I can't reach him as easily but I couldn't before either because if he was up to know good he just ignored my calls anyway.
My life has been upended because I refused to enable multiple people in My family.. isnt that just wrong and ironic? Been going through this since i was a child. The lengths addicts will go to to use, lie manupulate and turn people against the non enablers (because the enablers feed into them )is terrifying and can change the course negatively and nearly ruin lives of non addicts. And when courts actually give children to admitted addicts in custody battles, and try to victimize the non enabler..well, it needs to stop somewhere. I can only pray more people talk about these things.
I didn't know I was enabling I feel like a fkn fool. I am so devastated I had something to do with my children s pain!! This will 😢do me in it's too painful! I need help bc my husband is out there going on two months! I'm held hostage in my head. I allowed for him to stay with us not knowing what he's been exposed to, the only person who sees him regularly is his dealer.
How do u seperate your emotions tho iv just realised im enabling 😭😭 my son is at mine the now and has been for nearly a week and i just want him gone 😭 he is just 23 and completly hooked on weed he has smoked 4 gram in 2 days £40 , he is now acussing me of stuff in my own house , writing notes saying the police r now in another neighbours house listening and watching him 😫 he is in anti depressants only because it has a seditive in it . He has been refreferd to the mental health team onced and then never went to other appointments , i can not cooe with him but my hearts broken having to tell him he needs to go bk to his own place .. he sold everything i bought him his house is empy 😢
That’s awesome… But what if you *have* done this and the person is still in denial? Because they are drinking less and not getting shit-faced, they think they’re doing just fine and act like a victim when you draw boundaries.
He blacks out and drives and never remembers how he gets home. I been calling. On him every time I know and still nothing. I can't flipping believe it. He's gonna kill someone or himself.
Just easier to enable, then you dont have to come to terms with your own short comings, and improve. 4% have optimal metabolic health, most of those with optimal metabolic take shit too far. Then the enabler suffers consequences of their enabling and blames the batshit crazy addict.
I needed to hear this today. I finally realized how much I was enabling, and when my loved one got his second DUI last week, I didn’t answer the jail phone call and blocked the number-deleted the voice messages without listening-and am filing for divorce. This is year 13 of a relapse that has been a roller coaster of horrific proportions. I was ill prepared. It took this many years of gradually figuring out how I was enabling to finally get to what I did last week. I have felt guilty today and your video came up today- helped me to lose the guilt trip and know I’m doing the right thing. Divorce isn’t where I wanted to be, but the financial devastation coming down on me from this has become untenable. This video was so helpful-many will benefit from hearing what you said. Thanks!
I wish you well and peace of mind during this journey. Be strong!
@@manofmanstrobannamani3886 Thank you. ❤️
Your comment helped me! I need not to answer call from jail! Not listening the messages and block the number when this happens! I was been so blind I even bailed him out iam paying for that bcauz he is not responsible to pay! I was enabling a bad bad behavior! And he was getting so comfortable!
Don’t ever feel guilty, as someone in recovery who has dealt with tough love it’s what has to happen for us to change. Do what you have to do for you, you can’t help him be sick anymore. All the best to you.
I stopped enabling my Son just over 3 weeks ago. It was hard but I had to set boundaries for his sake as well as my own. I haven't had contact with him, and until he seeks professional help my decision will remain as such. Sending love to anyone who is in this situation ❤️
Thank you for this. I didn't enable my brother. My father hated me for it. My family continued to enable him. He died at 32. You are a good man. Thank you for sharing.
You tell the truth brother, I can relate as a 42 YO recovering addict with 5 plus years clean, crack and alcohol brought brought me to my knee’s. I had to end up on the streets to hit bottom, happened 4 times before I finally climbed out of it. Started recovery in 2008 what a long road but making it now. People were done with me and the mess I created and it definitely helped me in the end. Spent the last 3.5 years doing outreach work and realized I couldn’t do it anymore, so many people dying and just didn’t feel like I was actually helping, so walked away to go back to school.
You make great points. My point is.... What does a family do with an addicted person (alcohol or drugs) who if they would set boundaries.... in the real world where it leaves them (a family )in financial ruins if they part or threating to leave. This plays a HUGE role in why people don't set a boundary or leave them if they don't change. This is HUGE! This is REAL cause of why people don't do it
Thank you because my daughter got mad at me when i called her dad. Thank you for the words to help say what's needed. I do lay my head down at night with pain in my heart, and i told her "I'm here and i will help you change, but i will not help you stay the same" praying she continues with treatment
Wonderful video. My husband and I are separated now due to his addiction. I am trying my very best not to enable him. I'm focusing on myself now.
4:38 hit home for me... Being willing to stay in the relationship as is, is enabling! Whoaa ... Well that broke it down right there! Staying in it is not helping it's showing that I agree with it! Wow. Thank you! Omg and he said one time if i am so disrespectful etc then why are you here? This is truly NOT the man I married! 💯💯💯
That makes so much sense because when I stayed in the relationship with my son, it took everything in me not to say anything even though I was being lied to and just being quiet, bothered the hell out of me. Being taken for a fool just to keep him in my life.
My son is an addict and its literally ruining my life ..i cant be happy i have developed ptsd and severe anxiety as a result of his addiction as well as destroying my family ...i and my family have enabled him but not to intentionally help the addiction ..but hoping he would see how much he is loved and supported but i am seeing a therapist who is giving me the strength to step back ..i didnt sleep at all lastnight knowing he is out there somewhere using its a selfish disease that has no mercy but i am learning to allow him to figure it out himself ..its so hard ...many prayers needed and prayers to anyone dealing with this in their family its destroying me 🙏
Stay the course. Come to our family support meeting tonight on zoom. 8pm EST on Thursday. interventiononcall.com/live-family-friends-zoom/
@@TheUnbroken-withSamDavis Thank u 🙏
Thank you for the video. Me and my father have enabled each other’s addictions for years. Now that I am sober I gotta help him
Amen, regarding keeping the cell phone paid for. Amen!!! I was sooooo guilty of that. The phone. The cars, the gas, the "spending money". I was/am the worst enabler of my wife
Ughhhhhh….same and exhausted 😔🕊
I love this guy and I love this video! I watch it everytime I feel like I'm getting sucked back in. 🙏 Thank you.
Thank you for saying that. I’m glad you like it!
I just love the way you explain addiction and the practical and real down to earth examples you use. I have watched tons of talks and think yours are simply great and easy to understand . I live in South Africa and wish you were here to help so many of our loved ones going to this . Thank you for your dedication , time and care . Bless you .
Thank you for saying such kind words. Hey… I have a passport!!!
@@TheUnbroken-withSamDavis just watched your story of addiction.. well done for all the hard work you have done on yourself and for sharing your story. Keep going . Bless u
I saved this video and every time I feel like I need to reach out to my addicted son, then I watch the video to give me the courage not to. This is terribly painful, I cry everyday for what used to be and how life is like living on the edge.
😔❤️🕊same
Thank you so much for this, I moved interstate because I couldn’t watch him do that to himself anymore. It took 3 days for him to realise I was gone - that’s how intoxicated he was. It’s one week yesterday since I left, he claims he is going to get the help he needs but after all of the lies I just don’t know what to believe anymore. His family and I are in constant contact to try to encourage him to help himself. My heart and soul is shattered but there is nothing else I can do other than hope he gets help. He’s going from constant texts and calls to ghosting, I’m so confused as to what to do. I am returning for a few days in two weeks to sort things out with work and pick up a few personal items, I hope to have a face to face talk with him if I can catch him sober. He normally runs away or changes the subject whenever I broach any topic that addresses the effects of his behaviour- he would rather blame me. The worst thing is that he’s a beautiful person when sober and is loved by many. 😢
It’s not him…..and they don’t feel pain like we do….they’re numb,and selfish😔🕊
I’m going through the same exact thing. ♥️
this is helpful, thank you. I'm in Alanon but I can see more subtle ways I'm still enabling. Gives me more to work on.
Thank you for this video. Gained a lot of strength for going through this day because of it.
I’m glad I could be heloful
You deserve a far more views, man. Thank you. Subscribed
Thank you so much for your support
I can so relate to this content. It actually took me back to when I was in that daily battle to get well for myself then my family that I truly love
This was a wonderful video. I learned the hard way that I’ve been enabling my husband during his addiction. 14 years of heartache, confusion, financial ruin, and pain. He’s in treatment and actively working on his recovery, but it took all these years. I want to just move on with my life, but he’s trying so hard.. it’s a misery I don’t wish on my worst enemy if I had one.
Wow this is powerful. I am right now currently struggling with this for my husband.
Take care of yourself first!
Good points wish i could find my oldest daughter haven't seen her in over 2 years a sad cycle of jail let out to sober living and she runs back to the street when we let her home she brought stuff into our household and have two minor daughter's we can jeopardize custody of its hard i miss my daughter i couldnt enable any more but piece of my heart is missing i pray she breaks her cycle 😢 i pray she finds recovery
I have walked in your shoes for many years....I have finally learned NO is a complete sentence when dealing with someone with an addiction. Stay strong. Karen from Canada 🇨🇦
The friends that run to their rescue, cover up their lies hiding their alcohol, listen to their woe's and complaints about how everyone has victimized them, listening to their negative talk and listening to them repeat how people are taking advantage of them, how nobody loves them. Hear them say I hate you, you are mean to me and you don't care because you don't let me do what I want to do is drink all day and destroy my life, how dare you make me responsible for alcohol abuse when you are the one who has issues. This stuff I heard over and over by my housemate and friend, she has refused help. I can now only walk away and turn her over to her devices it will not end well for her, it's a slow death. My prayers and compassion are with her, I leave the door open for that someday for this prodigal daughter to come home and be set free.
This show needs a lot more views, for sure. Thank you...🇺🇸 👍☕
Thanks for saying that. I’ve not been very consistent on here. That’s changing as of last week.
The phone you pay for is a direct line to the dope man..... Wow. I've struggled so hard with knowing what to do about his phone. I can't keep paying for this phone!
Great video
Thanks!
Thank you I needed to understand about enabling. 😢
I needed this thank you!!❤
What it takes AA 188 words and 12 steps to say can be summed up in 7 words and one single sentence= you... have... to... do... it... for... yourself.
I am struggling with a man I have Loved for 7 yrs he a vegetarian and an alcoholic beer drinker for 30+ yrs he doesn't eat enough too sustain his body 3 times too the hospital this yr already and all they do is patch him up and send him home he's so fragile right now at 55 yrs. He has bleeding ulcer and gastritis malnutrition he cant walk without a walker now I have been playing hard ball with him asking him the hard questions but he gets mad won't talk about it I beg him too eat I now have a relationship that I am now a caregiver and didn't think that I would be at this age of 55 sitting with him makes me cry it so hard too see him this way in my heart I know I have too walk away but I always come back too help a little at a time if it helping with laundry or shopping for food cleaning a mess he can't we don't smile anymore we don't laugh the elephant so big In a small room he's depressed and so am I .I don't think I could stand too hear over a phone that he's dead I am so heartbroken over this.I want too do the right thing for him because I love him but I think it would kill him faster if I wasn't there 😢
Thank you for sharing this most challenging of time with me. Boundaries and a plan are essential as well as really understanding alcoholism. Here’s a good resource for that. www.interventiononcall.com
Thank you Sam, I will reach out too the site! Thank you again for reaching out to me, I pray he will be receptive to this opportunity for help.🙏
Thank you 🙏🏼
This is an excellent video !
The phone thing was interesting... I wasted hundreds of dollars trying to keep my son with a phone so I could keep in touch and they were lost stolen broken... I finally let it go and stopped replacing them. I can't reach him as easily but I couldn't before either because if he was up to know good he just ignored my calls anyway.
Thank you
Thank you.
I'm not arguing, just asking. How do you qualify/quantify that enabling is #2?
Great question. I’m going to do a content piece on this as I can explain it better via video
@@TheUnbroken-withSamDavis cool. Thanks for the response
Wow!! I Think your talking to me!
How long should the documented sobriety be?
Thank-you!🙏😪😢😭🙏
My life has been upended because I refused to enable multiple people in My family.. isnt that just wrong and ironic? Been going through this since i was a child. The lengths addicts will go to to use, lie manupulate and turn people against the non enablers (because the enablers feed into them )is terrifying and can change the course negatively and nearly ruin lives of non addicts. And when courts actually give children to admitted addicts in custody battles, and try to victimize the non enabler..well, it needs to stop somewhere. I can only pray more people talk about these things.
Al anon or Nar anon is helpful too
I didn't know I was enabling I feel like a fkn fool. I am so devastated I had something to do with my children s pain!! This will 😢do me in it's too painful! I need help bc my husband is out there going on two months! I'm held hostage in my head. I allowed for him to stay with us not knowing what he's been exposed to, the only person who sees him regularly is his dealer.
Thank you so much!!!
Thank you 🙏
How do u seperate your emotions tho iv just realised im enabling 😭😭 my son is at mine the now and has been for nearly a week and i just want him gone 😭 he is just 23 and completly hooked on weed he has smoked 4 gram in 2 days £40 , he is now acussing me of stuff in my own house , writing notes saying the police r now in another neighbours house listening and watching him 😫 he is in anti depressants only because it has a seditive in it . He has been refreferd to the mental health team onced and then never went to other appointments , i can not cooe with him but my hearts broken having to tell him he needs to go bk to his own place .. he sold everything i bought him his house is empy 😢
That’s awesome… But what if you *have* done this and the person is still in denial? Because they are drinking less and not getting shit-faced, they think they’re doing just fine and act like a victim when you draw boundaries.
When people respond negatively to your boundaries, it’s further evidence that the boundaries needed to be set. The boundaries protect you.
I have cannabis use disorder
IM NOT AN ENABLER PEOPLE CHOOSE TO DRINK OR DO DRUGS PUT THE BLAME ON THE ADDICT
I’ve never heard so many incorrect statements in one sentence
So you're saying the addict takes no blame or responsibility you are so wrong
🙏👍👋
He blacks out and drives and never remembers how he gets home. I been calling. On him every time I know and still nothing. I can't flipping believe it. He's gonna kill someone or himself.
Just easier to enable, then you dont have to come to terms with your own short comings, and improve. 4% have optimal metabolic health, most of those with optimal metabolic take shit too far. Then the enabler suffers consequences of their enabling and blames the batshit crazy addict.
ThAnk u
I know I enabled I try not to do that these days
So how does this work when it’s a spouse?
I got help for myself. They will only change if they choose to. Stay strong❤️
Congratulations man!!!
Thanks!!