My ex x husband told me he has never felt empathy and that he has had to mimic emotional responses since he was a teen. He also told me he knows he lies for no reason. He was good looking and charming. When he got angry he glared at me and then the corners of his mouth would slightly smile. His mother would do the same thing when she said something hurtful. My ex lived a double life our entire 8 year marriage. When a person tells you who they are, believe him. I’m thankful I got out but struggle with depression and feeling a sense of belonging.
I outed my covert narc husband and he knew exactly what he was. His mother is most likely the same. He said “I have zero empathy, sympathy or guilt for anything, ever. In fact, I can’t even love. “. His words, not mine. When I heard this, I said, wait, you don’t love me? I had spent 13 years with this man, the last 8 being a nurse of sorts to him because of a fatal illness. He realized what he had said. He said, “Oh, I love you”. I asked what he loved about me. His answer was very telling. He said “ I love everything you do for me”. Very telling indeed. He also told me he knew who he was, and didn’t want to change. 6 months later, I got the courage to leave. I have been out 14 months now, still trying to divorce him.
yea covert narcissists sometimes admit the truth in ways because they know it affect our empathy and we may still try to "help" them and stay. something is very sinister, cunning and devious about them.
I knew that my covert narc mother knew what she was doing, was extremely cunning, and enjoyed the power she exerted over others when she hurt them. I was called delusional by one doctor and told by a nurse, "Oh, don't worry, she's harmless," & etc. when I was a child and suffering under her abuse. Thank you for explaining that this not only was possible, but how as well, because I know what I saw, and she was a knowing and cruel destroyer. She'd often smirk after cutting another person down. She won every battle. I did expose her, out of sheer accident and ignorance, and you're right, when the mask comes off, it's nothing but ugliness and repellent horror inside. It was the worst thing I've ever seen, and the most shocking moment of my life. I've been no contact with this thing for over 30 years, for my own health.
Good for you! I'm sorry that you were made to endure that...and I agree, it's a thing. I liken it to being posessed. Imho It's an entity. There's a human in there somewhere...maybe...but I think only Jesus can save.
@@ironempath7261 I understand your sentiment... however, forgiveness is a religious idea that has no place in dealing with narcissism. Narcissism can only be handled by totally avoiding it and absolutely disengaging from it. If you're intending that the past negativity of my former situation should not affect me anymore, that I assure you is the case. I'm now an advocate of education about narcissism, because I truly understand how devastating involvement with narcissists can be, and usually is.
Scott Peck wrote an excellent book on these people long before people were talking about narcissists: People of the Lie. He was a psychologist as well as a theologian. He considered them "evil".
Aah yes, no "love" quite like Christian hate and judgement. The covert narc that hurt me, was a victim of abuse themself. Like a psychic wound that is contiguous. Easier to judge something as evil, than to to understand it or reflect on our own defects.
Dealt with one of them. I grew up in a narcissistic family, and I had met tones of narcissists prior to him. He was extremely charming, good looking, he was so attentional at the beginning. I was sure that he felt empathy. I was blown away when I figured out that he was a covert narcissist. He was the most dangerous person I have ever net. & there's a spiritual aspect to them, they are sadistic and destroy everything they touch. They can't appreciate what they have, the best thing you can ever do is to leave them alone. They'll sabotage you and then play the victim. They're actors. Nobody will ever believe you if you try calling them out. They are vindictive too. If you know that you're dealing with a covert narc you need to run.
I think of myself as being well informed about narcissism, as I have lived it in my family of origin. This video was the missing piece for me, the part I could not figure out, the "light bulb" moment. I have 2 covert narcs in my family (I have disowned them years ago) and had been waffling with the label for them; thinking they were narcs with borderline tendencies and then the sociopathic traits as well. Now it makes sense! This is the ONLY video that I have found that explains it perfectly, now I get it! I also think a big part of the covert narcs character is that whatever they are accusing us of is exactly what they themselves are up to; they are actually "telling" on themselves, telling us what they are up to. Am I correct in my thinking? Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are truly doing God's work here, so very much appreciated. You are literally saving lives.
The coverts are relentless in their effort to destroy their victims. Thank you for validating what I already suspected about my covert narcissistic mother.
@@betaylor173 I believe a covert narc would love being called/known as an emotional terrorist; that label in private would be the highlight of their life, as it is the only reason for their existence (in their sick minds).
How to identify difference between Aspergers and narcissism. And even then a child with Aspergers to a parent with narcissism can learn narcissistic ways manipulation passive aggressiveness making another person look bad and masking ? This is so complex and scary
I grow up family scapegoat and programmed too be a people pleaser messed my life and self worth but I survived by the grace off God. But having learned a bit late in life about narcissistic behaviours my life has improved a lot but those demons are everywhere
same here, it's crazy to believe that we were conditioned to be this way and for other narcissists to feed off of😢. thank God for his love, mercy and deliverance.
I think a key characteristic of these people is that they can see the pain of the world, but they cannot see the pain they cause other people. My mom was a classic case.
They know they hurt others; it's their goal. If you're hurt and confused, you're under control. They calculate just how much they can hurt you, then draw you back in with temporary kindness. Then they strike again with abuse. It's a whipsaw, back and forth, creating chaos. All the time the narc is center position, sucking up the fuel.
One of the best videos I ever watched on this topic. I was raised by such type, a bizarre mix of a highly covert NPD, severe BPD and some traits of codependency all in one person. He was totally maddening and abusive with explosive rage, terrible temper, violence and hence unbelievably damaging to my mom and me, all done behind closed doors. But for public, he was the sweetest, kindest, smooth, humble, charming, sheepish and a generous angel. I thank you Ross for your great work you're doing for years, on this immensely complex subject. 🙏
I had a guy like this pull me in at work and my brain would always tell me he has borderline or bipolar or narcissism or I'm just totally wrong and he really is a kind, awesome, intelligent person- was funny, and seemed so caring and innocent at moments.... He truly seemed so humble and sweet, and he's actually good to his kids. But I know he had a crazy and tumultuous divorce with his wife, so all his behavior towards me gives me pause but he definitely in front of me could go into a jekyll and Hyde expression
I can relate to your side of the story, though I have narcissistic mother who is covert and a non-narcissistic father who is truly supportive to me. We need to watch more of these videos to survive narcissism. Being trapped in these toxic environments requires smart work to do.
It's so sad, my 2 sisters are this way. We suffered neglect and abuse growing up. Thank God I turned out with a great sense of empathy. I do not talk to to them at all, I realized I had to have peace in my life, a good mental health. So much better without the stress and painful drama.
Title alone: I'm not sure that I have seen anyone brave enough to address this directly a deepest nightmare to live though. May any innocent person who is in the midst of dealing with someone like this know total protection, total favor and complete justice for any of the losses or harm sustained in the process. Amen.
You just summed up in 12 minutes what took me over 5 years to learn the hard way. I can confirm every single word. Especially that they are Oscar worthy actors. They really are! Exactly my words after the veil fell off. They are very hard to spot and they will tell you anything they think you want to hear. I personally think they have no soul. But that’s just my opinion.
Same here I thought that they didn't have a soul either. Giving them the benefit of the doubt is the worst thing that you can do. They are always thinking of ways to hurt you. They will smile in your face while they are sharpening the knife to kill you with. They are dangerous people. You can't trust them and will leave you when you need them the most.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Married to covert for 10 years. It’s unbelievable. I have hundreds of hours of stories and examples of how these people behave. She is still coming after me and we’ve been divorced 4 years now.
I think that my ex boyfriend, I believe a covert narcissist, was so skilled at it that he would actually admit to being a narcissist, even go to AA meetings and see a pseudo, non licensed-therapist (a friend of his) to declare that he was doing everything he could to work on his issues so he couldn’t be blamed for that. At the same time he gaslighted me and made me become almost a codependent to keep me under his control; occasionally telling me I was the narcissist and that I was the one who wasn’t working on my issues while he pretended to work on his…
I realised afterwards he was calculating all the time his next moves and manipulating me into believing that our relationship was special. I am an HSP with high empathy and of course I was overly empathetic to the story of his childhood traumas.
@@thechandalife I can't believe I just read her comment. Mine started AA a few weeks ago. I got him into it. He became a complete sweetheart, entirely attentive, seemed to want to change our entire dynamic. I had a sneaking suspicion I didn't want to get too excited. He did a few things that I'd have no choice but to "store up" until I finally became triggered by the insecurity it caused and brought it up in a few long texts. He immediately said "I guess this is when your crazy comes out." I got so angry because everything had built up so much that I started texting him one thing after another of all the shit he had done that I wanted an answer on. I was very direct and pulled no punches. He told me he's not talking to me and had to go (and I knew he had to go but he better respond later.) The next day, he still never addressed anything, so I ripped into him. He said "I thought you changed as much as I have but obviously not. This isn't going to work." I was furious, told him I'm coming to get a few things of mine that he had, and would drop off the few things if his that I had. He blocked me ever since. And still. I sit here furious at myself thinking I messed it all up and should've kept quiet. I think that was the final blow, to make it look like the problem was all me in the relationship. Never once did he defend anything I brought up. Only told me he'll do what he pleases without my permission. Was yours an alcoholic? Are you still with him? Did he go to AA? What happened?
@@koiulm84Did you blame yourself? As I said above, mine did AA (2 weeks) gaslit, I took the bait and he used it to say I haven't changed because I "praise" him one minute and "spit venom" the next. He said he's changed but I haven't, and he's going to live a happy life traveling with no one bringing him down. It was like a sucker punch and I felt like he set it up to change the image from drunken ass%$@! to sober prince charming, and then drop the bait to trigger me. 2 years of horrific alcoholism I dealt with. So much insecurity, devaluing, feeling jealous, wondering about every freaking thing, and he expected me to forget all of it the minute he was sober. It sickens me. It *looked like* I was the crazy one for sure, because I ripped into him. I'm already diagnosed C-PTSD so every time one of the major triggers happened (usually him disappearing off texts for hours, making me think he was texting other women while drunk) it was *always* before the weekend. He would watch me blow up his phone and he'd stonewall me until Monday. We'd then talk and he'd always have excuses like "I fell asleep." It did make me look paranoid, but truth is that he came to me while still with his ex, so I thought he'd do the same to me. How did yours end?
My experience has solely been with covert narcissists, starting with my narc stepfather at the age of 13. I never knew that covert narcissism is a combination of NPD and ASPD. Very interesting!
I have a mother who constantly criticizes me as a covert narcissist. The death threats she uses against is sociopathic when I really think about them. I thought she was psychopathic for how well she groomed me into accepting her abuse and lies to everyone. I am still learning more about disorders and to how to survive against them.
I married a covert narcissist in disguise while in shock following the suicide of my dad who was destroyed by his parents' toxic dynamic and his inability to live as the upright man he knew himself to be. I white knuckled like a ninja until my mom killed herself thirteen years later. That is when the decompensation began to show. And boy howdy was I decompensated. She had been the borderline puppet master and my birth family divided along fault lines I had not known existed. Suddenly I was entirely alone, exhausted on every level and helpless as only a decompensated pollyanna can be. I could see no way out that wouldn't dump my burdens on my kids and I was determined to keep that vow at least. Fifteen years later I am able to say that I am who I was always meant to be and decades once lost are now layers of compassion and avenues of discovery. Stil and all the shape shifting covert narcissist points out fallacy and weakness and so the work continues even as I do the inner and outer work to free myself entirely and the universe trusts me with a helping role. Friendship, fresh air, honest conversation and easy laughter is the picture I carry and work toward. Thank you for ALL the help and encouragement!
The worst part to me… is that they have me doubting myself…am I one? I mean yes I WILL admit that I have codependent tendencies, and I’m working on that… I’m scared…I mean I got the reverse discard by way of violence…she beat me, broke my arm, and destroyed everything…
My covert narcissist crush played hot and cold with me and after one round I shut him down. After giving me the cold treatment, I literally started ignoring him forever. He tried to flirt with me, stare at me smiling but I turned down his every gaze. At this, instead of feeling guilty for mistreating me and understanding that i was giving him the silent treatment for being cold and resentful, he literally punished me and made me feel guilty! He got really angry, he was shaking and was all red. The next time he flaunted his new hot conquest in front of me just to hurt me. It's incredible! He was the one playing with me, I just put an end to it, I asserted my boundaries and made him hold accountable and at this he blamed it all on me and got revenge, only because I dared to cut him off due to his abuse! in other words, I was punished and deliberately hurt for me not putting up with his disrespect, for refusing to be played! What kind of psycho this is...
Thank you for these valuable insights. As much as understanding the various narcissistic types, it has also been a huge ‘aha’ to a knowledge and work on my codependent type responses. As you state, I was drawn to the charming, self-effacing, vulnerable (appearing) covert narcissists over and over again. It has also been valuable to embrace the fact that a codependent type has often had a narcissistic parent and so this apologetic etc behaviour has been mastered and so the ghastly cycle continues.
Love your videos. My ex is a dangerous covert/psychopath “nice” guy victim ect … he was very aware of when to be nice if he needed something. He was able to act in a way to get what he wants
I am perplexed how the law does not prosecute the damage they cause in ALL areas..... It's absolutely egregious behavior that breeds bleeding into generations
Narcs lovebomb/bribe Everyone~Your Attorneys, Forensic Psychiatrist, Accountant maybe Police, Your Family...They must WIN & Destroy...💞💞💞Get Away from them & be careful!!
" how the law does not prosecute the damage they cause in ALL areas" The law is part of problem. Trump or CBT. CBT is instructing socially anxious people to expose to toxic people and it self pathologize symptoms they feel after the abuse. Thus it is repeating the abuse. CBT is main default therapy for social anxiety - instilled by narcissists in managerial seats. Narcissistic society perceives aggression as ability and competence thus it gives narcissists wings. Narcissism and psychopathy can be discovered with brain scan - so we can exclude them from for example driving license and work with people - such as criminals cannot work in kindergarten or governmental or bank jobs. The same system needs to be done with narcissists and psychopaths.
Because those in power are narcassists and psychopaths. It's a system built by them for them. Fraud, deceits, scams are plentiful in our economy. Their educational system does not teach us about them.
@@MiteshDamania And think about it more. It is very serious , extremely serious blunder. So much that someone might end up in jail for fraud. We can see this deceit in social anxiety and how medical community manages it: Medical community is the one that has to clarify social anxiety - but instead they obfuscate it- in order to make money out if selling drugs. The information that there is a difference between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder is criminally neglected and covered up. I see now mothers diagnosing their kids for having "social anxiety" because their kids are afraid to remove mask in school. That is insanity. Term social anxiety is being used for any slight difference in social behaviour. That is very dangerous - since it can be used as a method to control people and their rights and free will. You simply ashame their behaviour - and you control other people through guilt and shame of being different than default masses. Social anxiety is biggest blunder of CBT (which is main default therapy for social anxiety) - we are talking here about the great scam, about anxious people being intentionally misdiagnosed to make money out of people in need for pharma profit. It is like criminal mind such as Putin or Trump got in managerial seat of medical association and get their evil manipulation on exploiting people with mental issues.
I found a convert narcissist in my life after our mom passed away. I never knew someone who pretended to be so helpful and supportive at first and then showed who they really are. Years later and they still refuse to let me have my inheritance and are blaming me for it. I've never known someone who was so manipulative and with zero empathy. I made one request and their response was exactly the narcissist injury description. Exactly.
The New Testament says there are people who have a "form of godliness", but "deny the power thereof". The rest of the verse says, "From such, turn away".
"they want to be jerks, they do it because what they do they feel is right. They are entitled, feel that they are special, and centre of attention, charismatic, aggressively controlling." If we step back - we can see that they are actually children, spoiled children mindset trapped inside adult body. Then it makes sense why they behave like this. They simple evolved their child self that was arrested in development and they adopted their child self to adult world - with sex abuse, drug abuse, temper tantrums and violence now in adult settings. Their logical, adult part of brain is repressed - and small parts of adult thinking inside their brain is enslaved to serve child mindset of greed and instant pleasure. The trauma creates this disorder - and they consciously decided to be evil to handle the world and problems. Yeah, they wear mask of adult person - but it is mask, this Persona is made in shape of adult person. Similar to the Tom Hanks movie "Big". When you talk to this person, you think it is adult - but inside there is trapped 8 year old boy with mindset of a child. They will sniff out the exact opposite: traumatized people who did the opposite from them - it is when our adult brain is in total charge, and we suppressed our child parts that are not evil - yet we decided that being bold is evil - so we suppressed it. Now we will be the polar opposite from narcissist - and there will be magnet force between. Persona mask is not evil nor bad by default. Persona functions is to serve us as a communication tool with other people - similar to Star Trek universal translator - to adopt our messages to others. So we might feel bad and depressed or scared - but when we talk to random people - we will not act bad, depressed or scared - especially if we need some information from them - since we do not want to scare them away. Or perhaps we are intelligent and very sensitive - if we show our true Self to others, we will bore them to death. We need to pretend a little bit to be more stupid or less sensitive - in order to find balance and on par communication balance with people who are not so smart or sensitive. Narcissistic - since they are kids trapped in adult body - never grew up and they never learned the purpose of mask. They abuse mask to take advantage of other people - because they quickly did find out that if they throw temper tantrum or if they allow their child to be brutally honest and without empathy - they noticed that many people get scared and fawn to such people - and narcissist are convinced that other people are weak - and can be programmed and hypnotized into submission so that they can exploit them. Narcissists do not realize due to egocentrism which is part of child mindset - arrested in development - that they are actually parasiting over other people. In their mind they are superior and other people are weak and stupid. We on the other hand - are not aware of Jung's Persona - and we have no clue that we are seeing the behaviour and word coming from a mask - and there is scared little spoiled brat behind it. I would say as years go by, this child stays child - and it can be become very dangerous - since it has been isolated from common sense, it is trapped inside its own fantasy world - and I think this is where psychopathy stems from - serial killers etc. We live in magical world full of synchronicity and imagination that intertwines with reality, yin yang dynamics that are far too perfect to be created on its own, the world of sixth sense and paranormal mixing with science and objective truth - and narcissists with their child mindset interpret this dualism dynamics as fantasy world of horror - similar to the movie "The Cell" with J.Lo from 2001 (Stephen King's novel). They are mentally ill but their mask is keeping their head above the water. We need to be aware when we communicate with people - if their mask is part of communication translator or if the mask if cover up for mental illness. This is why education about narcissist is very crucial life skill that no one told us that we need to educate ourselves about. CBT will explain to us that we are delusional if we feel symptoms of fear after the abuse. And CBT will instruct us to expose ourselves to all people - without telling us how to retort to difficult people neither how to recognize them nor what to do when you cannot run away from them.
@@alouise3557 💕💝 1 year later on - for anyone suffering complex trauma from narc abuse and feel stuck - check out No Bad Parts book and IFS Model. It is the best tool to understand trauma and how to move on in life after the abuse.
Yes. Mum totally conscious of what she does. I’ve detailed if you make me suffer this it’ll inflict pain on me. She went right ahead her convenience is paramount
I am a recovering from narcissim by the power of Jesus Christ. Also, I married narcs. So I am here listening. I saw that person you had with steam coming out his ears and I had to laugh because I remembered how I used to feel when something did not go the way I planned. Your doing a good job with your description.
Hi Tracy, are you the narc? I want to know your story as I am also a Christian and am really torn with trying to figure out if my "Christian" husband is actually in the process of growing to know Jesus, or if he's playing with me and will never change. I can get out now, before our baby is born and run away, or if I make the wrong decision I might be stuck for a long time by him. I'm loosing faith that he will change, even though I know it's possible
TessasChannel-ry1go. I am an overcoming nice covert narc by the power of Jesus Christ. People thought I was nice. Actually, I have hated humans with a passion since age almost 4. After Christ change started. You have to ask Jesus about your hubby. You married him. Don't tell me you did not see signs. However, I only married narcs. Both of them said they were Christian when its convenient. I married people that I did not like nor love and vice versa. Marriages of convenience. We wore mask for the public. My second narc hubby thought I was an empath. He wondered why he could never get me to cry. Neither of us had empathy . My narc hubby would tell me all the time. You are not who I thought you were. He would say your the toughest lady I have ever met. Narcs will destroy you because who you think you married is an illusion. In order to stay with a narc. You have to walk closely with Christ. They will tear you down, manipulate, even plot to have you killed or kill you themselves. However, you don't have to divorce, but you may have to live in your own place to have peace. If he is a narc then Satan is your father-in-law. You have to follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit. Remember, you cannot change your hubby. He knows he is wicked, and he knows he can run to Christ. But, most of the time they don't want too. But, they will say things to get you to stay. They got to keep a false image up for the public. One of my narc hubbys had to go to the doc for prozac because instead of destroying me he almost collaspe. The other one had to take high blood pressure pills after conversing with me. I was suppose to be a Bride of Satan. Therefore, I was pretty evil myself. If it was not for the power of Jesus Christ in my life. I would have murdered both of them . And, I would be dead myself if God had not had mercy. So instead of murder, I would leave them when I knew my rage was getting too much for me to overcome. Be very careful telling a narc your leaving. Leave first quietly because it could send him in a rage. And, you would risk your life. Never tell him your going to strip him of all his finances. You may have to get the police to go with you each time you go back home to get something if you leave him. Be careful. Praying for you. Jesus Christ is Lord.
No cure for hollow heart / hollow human. Learned the hard way after 9 years and multiple chances. I was so good to her and I finally had to give up. It is very very hard, hardest thing I've ever been through, but you will find strength they made you think you never had and you will be much better off in the long run. Get out ASAP.
Would love to hear other people's stories of experiencing "duper's delight", or that twisted smirk that crosses a Narc's lips when he/she is somehow asserting some kind of power over you. I experienced that for the first time just a couple minths ago, it was like he turned from Jekyll to Hyde; he was unrecognizable and it scared me!
It's when they feel related when they've managed to deceive someone. Duper's delight in Narcissists in my experience can be seen in a fleeting smirk or watery crocodile grin combined with a glint in their usually lifeless eyes.
@@JH-td4mn my ex ex ex did that all the time. I always referred to him as a Sociopath. He cut everyone down and hated everyone on the planet. Always made it appear no one was of his level. Your comment just made me think of that. Now I wonder if he was a Narc too, after I'm now dealing with the loss of the "Love of my life" Narcissist as I'm being blocked for firing a bunch of questions at him to hold him accountable. I'm now wondering if I've been with a few Narcissists but the one your comment reminded me of used to *smile at me* while insulting me. Brutal insults.
Mums a covert narcissist, along with two siblings who are just plain narcissistics. Everything you said about what CN does when one confronts, is what’s been done to me my whole life, but without calling anyone out. I’m sacrificed for convenience by her, and demeaned and slandered constantly by all 3 to rationalize their abhorrent behaviour. I’m out. She’s elderly and I have people saying she will soon die , but there’s no value in it, and I’d have to eat so much shit, I’m not doing it.siblings cut off long ago. So yep, being totally slandered and will never see her before funeral. Looking so forward to Christmas without having to submit to abuse to, as you said , to satisfy whatever need they have. Thank you for your advice!
Proof that they KNOW what they are doing: Because they are a different person in public than they are in private. They KNOW when to turn on the charm and do their little act, and they KNOW when it is "safe" to abuse you in private.
Thanks for doing a video on this topic, Ross. I needed to view it. Within the past year, I worked with a female covert narcissist +++. The longer we worked together, there was something about her I couldn't quite put my finger on. It kept nagging me. After I took another job, something made me think about her and her behavior while we worked together. I really think God was working to help me figure out this situation (I work a 12 Step program, too, which often gives me a lot of insight and awareness). Annoyingly, the covert always wanted me to stay after my shift ended and talk to me. You see, this was induced conversation. I felt she was very strange. There were topics she would nag about, that held no merit. And often I set a boundary there. She kept this up each day we worked together. She often put on her know-it-all pants and took the liberty to criticize my work. Then she would treat me as if I didn't know what I was doing and make it seem that she needed to train me with this one thing. This was not her job. I was actually more experienced than she was. I put a stop to that when I set a boundary, over and over. She would become visibly upset if she even thought I was going to ask her to stay past the end of her shift, even if it was so we could do a shift change. This is right in line w/what Ross just talked about. Pay attention when our intuition nags away at us about someone in our life. Suspect she launched a smear campaign against me where I used to work, and even at an auto garage that she recommended to me. Suddenly the owner became "strange" and started telling me they were very short of mechanics and had too much business to work on my car that day. He is a specialist in my make of car. He takes first come, first served appointments, but he didn't have time to work on my car when I arrived right at 8AM, or even for the rest of the day. Or any other day. Very weird, I thought. I had a huge awakening about what was going on because I do a lot of studying about narcissism and toxic personalities. I have to....they are TOO PREVALENT in my field of work. It really doesn't matter how much you may know sometimes, but pay close attention to your intuition because if your intuition is flagging someone, watch out!! And don't spend extra time with anyone so they can pry you with induced conversation.
The Cognitive Neuroscience of Narcissism, Jor of Brain Behaviour and Cognitive Sciences - Vol 1 No.1:6 2018 - demonstrated significant physical organic alterations of the brains of narcissists, (eg, diminished insula).
My personal experience, I’m over 60, I noticed all that approached me to be friends and ripped me off etc were all adopted. Or raised by a single mother My experience
My experience from the predictor stepfather from the stalker/hacker from nine+ years ago were raised by both of their parents and also, supported into their 40’s...My Word! I just had an epiphany...😳Thank You!!!
I have the feeling that what we always echo back and forth about them not knowing they are problematic isn't true. Most times yes. But I think that in cases, where they actually manage to bend reality in their head just the right way they start to think "I'm evil and I like it" or something like that. I encountered these sorts of people quite often. Not in a braggy kinda way but they do seem to open up a little and they seem to be able to acknowledge the fact they are sick. The fact that they enjoy being evil cancels out the shame, which allows them to see it.
Mine ex covert narc is exposed badly, and in the end things are not going to work well for him. It’s going to be a HUGE NARCISSIST INJURY to it’s finest!🤡🤡🤡👈🏻
@@marybowers6090 I haven’t seen him in a little over two years and will never see the guy again, but thank you for the heads up. I’ve seen that show on crime tv like dateline, 48 hours mystery and the black widow shows. Absolutely nuts.
I'm a codependent and have two narcissistic daughters, one for sure is covert and the other may or may not be as she is still pretty young 21, but sure acts like she is. I believe I have contributed to this being a mother who gave into them all the time, gave them everything because I always wanted them happy. Now I am paying the price. Within the past 9 months or so I have learned so much regarding all of this. I thought I was going crazy, but my daughters narcissism is ramping up, and now has her flying monkeys involved, she controls with punishment even if you apologize and apologize for things you've never done. It's insane. She literally thinks everything is my fault, she has no fault of her own and now has decided to withhold our grandchildren (who love us) because I called her out on some things - this is our punishment. Punishment for these people never end. Either submit, obey, jump through the burning hoops and hope you never get burned. It's exhausting!!!!
Yes. Keep quiet, never question, keep smiling, do not interfere with the game they have going. Sit in the corner like a child in the naughty seat and cry until it hurts so bad you beg for forgiveness just to make the hurting stop. Say you're wrong for things you had the right to bring up, or else you will be punished *again* and next time, worse. While driving in your car, promise yourself next time you'll be better and hope you can control yourself and keep silent so you don't have to suffer the silence again. At all times, know your role and don't say anything. As angry as you get, hold it in until you're boiling, and even then, keep quiet or the backlash will come and it's back to suffering. Any crying in their presence will be met with silence.
I'm very interested in anything about the covert narcissist. My favorite subtype to study but to be clear nothing favored about narcissist to me at all😖
My ex threw a full-blown tantrum in my driveway, stamping his feet, yelling at me. I told him to leave and not come back until he could act like a grown-up. This man was in his 70's, and his plan of intimidation was a complete failure. Soon after, I filed for divorce.
I seem to be the only one in my family who has been able to unmask my dad who is a covert narcissist and is being treated for BPD. Codependence is rampant in my family. My Dad convinced us so much that we were the problem that we started to believe it! His inability to separate his personal problems from the people around him was incredibly damaging to all of us.
Oh, my Soul!!! You described the Stalker/Hacker from 2014 that I am still terrified of and terrified of going in public...! I’m an ENFP...TEARS! How do I become whole, again? Please, help...😭
NPD=No Personal Defense Apparently, they believe that gives them the defense to go insane and to harm anyone physically/emotionally/mentally as those that harmed them deserve it...?! It seems they get away with murder as their victims are physically alive, but slowly dying from within their soul. Sir, it is Not fair! I beg you...I implore you...How does one heal from such unspeakable abuse, please?
I had this issue, you can change profiles, go anonymous and so on online or just do you and 💯 ignore them. It's your life, report them if you have to but otherwise become totally indifferent to them, they'll feel the energy ahift and move on.
You describe my husband. It is safer to stay rather than divorce 😢the shit storm that would come from leaving is not something I could bear. He used his parents money to be lazy and promised me a world. I gave up a career and my family and friends now I am alone. I don’t even know how to recover from this. My life is devastating empty and cold. Yet he talks and preaches to people think he is a sweet husband.
I am confused or worried whether I am narcissistic or have some elements of narcissism , Because I can’t see myself hurt someone on purpose, take advantage, by the way I am the one who mostly taken advantage of , I am kind of confused on how to find out how to go through the diagnosis of narcissism seriously I don’t want hurt someone,get hurt all I want to do is to lead peaceful life without any form of drama.
10:04 told my now ex when we were together not to waste my time. She realized i would not stay around if she behaved disrespectfully and used that in every argument and each time i told her i meant every word when i said that
Worst case scenario. X has ASD w/Malignant Narc traits(gang affiliate The Bloods), We have a 15yr old girl.. His Mom is a textbook Covert. My Mom is an overt Narc. I am the scapegoat in recovery. My recent X is a diagnosed ASD, & a malignant Narc. I caused injuries to each one. His Mom turned my teen against me. Both Gmas filed joint custody after I publicly reacted to the abuse, called police and they have temp. Custody. Hearing next week. GAD is Gmas flying monkey. The two of them went way over the top smearing me to her. GAD looks at me with poorly veiled revulsion. I am utterly ostracized by all family. I am thankful in advance to YAHWEH for the forthcoming return of my precious child. My teen's Gma on the X side has created a toxic bond w/my teen. My child mimics Gma's gaslighting on her autistic brother, in an attempt to make my son actually doubt he'd been beaten by Step Gpa. Mom has funded this operation costing multiple five figures. I have no option but to "out" them both in court. Gmas are not above contracting a hit on me, so both would get an unhindered supply from my children, splitting them up in the process. Help. I am in desperate need of help.
How do I know if I'm a covert narcissist? I am being told that this is me. So much of the information on TH-cam talks about this in such absolute and fixed terms. If I really behave in covert narcissistic ways I want to change. I resonate with what you are saying like I think my girlfriend is like this in many ways but I hate to blame and play the victim. I wish someone like you ,Ross, would listen to our endless ridiculous conversations and tell me if it really is my fault. -Confused
Are you still on youtube? Still trying to get the answer to this? I'm being disposed of by a Covert and I'm very familiar with the tactics. Are you saying you think she's one? And she's saying you're one? My guy told me his ex is a Narcissist. I swear he said it as a tip-off because that's exactly what led me to find Covert Narcissism. I swear I've been set up from the beginning.
@@alouise3557 I found a guy online called Dr. Les Carter. He articulated things that really helped me to understand what was going on. I took a big loss to end the relationship but I won back my peace and sanity. I still don't understand how to differentiate the strategic from the pathological with that kind of behavior. Luckily all my friends that she hated showed up for me. What a relief to be out!
If you do these things, then yes you are one especially if your partner confirms this experience. There are no plausible justifiable reasons to be like a covert narc unless of course you are a covert narc. They are the only ones who justify such behaviors. That's why everything sounds so fixed and in flexible because abuse is never acceptable or deserved. No variability needed for this.
I have just left my covert narcissist. I am firm in my decision, but I am still confused. We had a relationship for 6 years, on and off. It went so far that he made me think I am the narcissist. That's what they do. They abuse you until you freak out, and then they say: Maybe you need some medication? I think you need to see a psychiatrist. It might look like you are the abuser when they put it like this, but the difference is that from you it is just a strong reaction to being abused, manipulated, cheated, lied to etc.
i was just recently diagnosed with Borderline personality dissorder/ unregulated emotional personality dissorder .( mom a narc and absent dad ) Its actually not correct when you say these types can never change. Yes its hard but ive been moving forward pro actively now for a long while . im in therapy and soon to be doing dialective behavioral therapy aswell as a non smoker as 11 months ago, and on the works of giving up drinking. ive broken many of my toxic patterns im so proud to share. my children are for ever supportive because they see the efforts i put in no matter how greuling the whole proscess is or has been.. its possible . the stigma needs to change. im a living example for some . i hope if your suffering from BPD from my experience and others i have met , its defitnatly possible , there is that light at the end of this dark bleak journey . i wish you luck and love your way xoxoxo
I recently learned from a therapist that there are some theories that say that abused by narcissists can develop a sort of personality disorder... Maybe you could check this possibility. Also abused can develop depression that leads to addiction. I am not an expert, so, do not trust my words, but try to look for info. I have been reading a lot lately and it is a complicated field.
I tired to deal with them for seventeen years people told me hes going to tantrum act like s child.if rather be alone than in any danger and ive worked with brain disordered children..His big thing is to try to do payback......he doesnt eve. Know he is lying. Ive been around the block om my work with people .nothing work ed. His family tried to do a intervention. He does t care truth be told he has nly w Ted my parent house to sell... Found that out later
sad thisis about romantic relationships. As a child of a covid narcessistic mother, it is way harder to break away and to see the true person behind their mask.
He damaged my self esteem, finances, friendships, and degraded me almost daily. He even had me apologizing to him when he hurt me. But I actually feel sorry for him. How empty not to have feelings for anyone else but yourself.
Hi, I love your stuff, have been following you for a few years now. Can you sometime make a video about personality disordered individuals and their pets? One of my family members likes to torture/tease/disturb his dog to the point he is abusing this pet. I have seen this person kick cats and treat animals badly. Do you think this person could be ASPD or just a narcissist with sociopathy traits?
Jesus God Almighty you have to get involved to stop this! Do something- report them to police or animal control. Get proof. Please! Animals are helpless and can't leave!!
I saw through one and that was enough. She could tell and she set out to destroy my reputation in the most indirect, covert way imaginable. People believed her. They have no idea who she is really. I can see why she needs that mask. The damage was done and I have no desire to even be anywhere around her or her flying monkeys. I believe I couldn't be the first and won't be the last.
Ross, Reference to "Dark Tetrad/Dark Triad? To include sadism? Combination also to include "Dark Tetrad?" Of Covet Narcissist? Also where does the seriously sense of grandiosity and "Huge ego" come from in the narcissist matrix? I referr it now to my defination as the narcissist matrix or matrix of the narcissist instead of web of influence. As I make reference to the movie "The Matrix." Once someone is inside their matrix it is either "Fight or Flight" and an individual's attempt to get out of it safely. What are your thoughts? Thank you.
I discovered this in a man I only knew for five years at work.. I had always thought he was a decent person. His games were god awful.....last words were be smart " enough to walk away" it took me years to get over .....he had his gun out on his side desk I'd given up on any kind of positive affirmations to try to get rid of my cptsd. I'm sad it came to fast forward thirty years later....he drives right in front of me said ," oh shit it's her" I just cranked up my music ignored him.
You do very good at explaining this. Don't know why you can't believe so many people has viewed it. I was watching one of yours last night about the wrestling ring and I wish very much it was the first one I ever watched starting 4 years ago. Maybe I would of shut my mouth and kept it closed altogether. I've heard to not engage before but it really got through when I watched that one about the wrestling ring and it takes two. That's how they kept control over me.
I have a nm, no contact. My grown daughter tells me I am like her. I love and care, it’s deep and my family means so much to me. My empathy can be too strong sometimes, I find it hard to cope. I have been in therapy for years to try to overcome the harm my mother did. How do I know if I am one and what can I do if I am? I am trying to get close to her by discussing life but I think that comes across as playing victim. I seem allergic to criticism, not because I think I am perfect but because I have been saying sorry for 60 years. However, I do think I might do the narcissistic injury thing. I feel sad inside and it comes out as anger or passive aggression. Other people do it to me and have treated me like rubbish but it feels like if I put a step wrong, bam. I have been walking on eggshells my whole life to try to fit in and be accepted. I fear rejection so much. I was recently diagnosed type 1 autism. Maybe I am just as monstrous as my Mum. If that’s true, what on earth can I do?
They lack… everything human and Godly. Like my sister who when I confronted her with her rages and physical abuse of her twin told me “I’m not like that and I don’t do those things.” How sick does someone have to be to not see their real self. She has always been evil since she was very young and has never changed except to be more and more evil and damaging.
Focussed on image Here they call it reputation.I lived in a guesthouse and watcheď old men who were obviously 'not ok'to everyone,and yet no one dared say a word.Strangely in a group there seems to also be a kind of 'contagion'?
My main struggle to comprehend them . How is it possible they know what they’re doing and purposefully manipulate , yet they live in denial and aren’t aware they have a disorder ?? I don’t get it
They see themselves as a victim so much that they justify their actions. My mom can control it because she can turn it off and on depending on who she’s around. It’s common for narcissist to act friendly around everyone then rage at you the second you’re alone.
Covert narcissist have empathy but they choose to not have it for u.... i have felt it its an attitude like" yeah so what ur hurt what can u do about it to stop me".
10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1
Whats interesting is To observe not absorb how the female covert narcissist reacts to their aging and fading beauty.
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Coverts will “love” you as long as you give them supply. You hold them on a pedestal and they are looking down on you with a smirk.
spot on
My ex x husband told me he has never felt empathy and that he has had to mimic emotional responses since he was a teen. He also told me he knows he lies for no reason. He was good looking and charming. When he got angry he glared at me and then the corners of his mouth would slightly smile. His mother would do the same thing when she said something hurtful. My ex lived a double life our entire 8 year marriage. When a person tells you who they are, believe him. I’m thankful I got out but struggle with depression and feeling a sense of belonging.
That is terrifying!!! I am glad you are physically still alive...You are Awesomeness for sharing this!!! Thank YOU!
Glad you are out from there, a hug for you! It's hard to believe when they tell us. Just what you says we have to listen and believe. Thank you!
@@betaylor173 Thank you! It helps to hear this.
@@maris4306 Thank you so much. 💗
Keep fighting to regain your self 💗 love. You are worth it! You are an over comer!🎉
I outed my covert narc husband and he knew exactly what he was. His mother is most likely the same. He said “I have zero empathy, sympathy or guilt for anything, ever. In fact, I can’t even love. “. His words, not mine. When I heard this, I said, wait, you don’t love me? I had spent 13 years with this man, the last 8 being a nurse of sorts to him because of a fatal illness. He realized what he had said. He said, “Oh, I love you”. I asked what he loved about me. His answer was very telling. He said “ I love everything you do for me”. Very telling indeed. He also told me he knew who he was, and didn’t want to change. 6 months later, I got the courage to leave. I have been out 14 months now, still trying to divorce him.
They're parasites
yea covert narcissists sometimes admit the truth in ways because they know it affect our empathy and we may still try to "help" them and stay. something is very sinister, cunning and devious about them.
Trying is dying. DO. ❤
🎉🎉🎉
Hang in there. No contact is our only liberation. 🫒
Coverts are there most dangerous of all the predators who walk among us ..... Ruthless and highly cunning.
Got that right. No remorse or empathy whatsoever …
Thank you for stating that. It is true.🎉
@@jeanettecook1088 you’re very welcome
The ex I divorced switches between malignant and covert narcissist. The worst of the worst. Living nightmare dealing with him
@@Canaday291 I’m glad you’re safe & very smart to get away. 🙏🏽
I knew that my covert narc mother knew what she was doing, was extremely cunning, and enjoyed the power she exerted over others when she hurt them. I was called delusional by one doctor and told by a nurse, "Oh, don't worry, she's harmless," & etc. when I was a child and suffering under her abuse.
Thank you for explaining that this not only was possible, but how as well, because I know what I saw, and she was a knowing and cruel destroyer. She'd often smirk after cutting another person down. She won every battle. I did expose her, out of sheer accident and ignorance, and you're right, when the mask comes off, it's nothing but ugliness and repellent horror inside. It was the worst thing I've ever seen, and the most shocking moment of my life.
I've been no contact with this thing for over 30 years, for my own health.
Good choice. Nicely done ma'am.
No contact ever again! Lisa Romano is also excellent on this topic
Good for you! I'm sorry that you were made to endure that...and I agree, it's a thing. I liken it to being posessed. Imho It's an entity. There's a human in there somewhere...maybe...but I think only Jesus can save.
Bless you.
Please bless yourself even further by forgiving that thing.
@@ironempath7261 I understand your sentiment... however, forgiveness is a religious idea that has no place in dealing with narcissism. Narcissism can only be handled by totally avoiding it and absolutely disengaging from it. If you're intending that the past negativity of my former situation should not affect me anymore, that I assure you is the case. I'm now an advocate of education about narcissism, because I truly understand how devastating involvement with narcissists can be, and usually is.
Scott Peck wrote an excellent book on these people long before people were talking about narcissists: People of the Lie. He was a psychologist as well as a theologian. He considered them "evil".
He was right
Yes evil is the exact word I’d use for these people. In the Bible they call these people tares .
Jezebels
@@jackiemk32 ...AND Ahabs!
Aah yes, no "love" quite like Christian hate and judgement. The covert narc that hurt me, was a victim of abuse themself. Like a psychic wound that is contiguous. Easier to judge something as evil, than to to understand it or reflect on our own defects.
Dealt with one of them. I grew up in a narcissistic family, and I had met tones of narcissists prior to him. He was extremely charming, good looking, he was so attentional at the beginning. I was sure that he felt empathy. I was blown away when I figured out that he was a covert narcissist. He was the most dangerous person I have ever net. & there's a spiritual aspect to them, they are sadistic and destroy everything they touch. They can't appreciate what they have, the best thing you can ever do is to leave them alone. They'll sabotage you and then play the victim. They're actors. Nobody will ever believe you if you try calling them out. They are vindictive too. If you know that you're dealing with a covert narc you need to run.
I think of myself as being well informed about narcissism, as I have lived it in my family of origin. This video was the missing piece for me, the part I could not figure out, the "light bulb" moment. I have 2 covert narcs in my family (I have disowned them years ago) and had been waffling with the label for them; thinking they were narcs with borderline tendencies and then the sociopathic traits as well. Now it makes sense! This is the ONLY video that I have found that explains it perfectly, now I get it! I also think a big part of the covert narcs character is that whatever they are accusing us of is exactly what they themselves are up to; they are actually "telling" on themselves, telling us what they are up to. Am I correct in my thinking? Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are truly doing God's work here, so very much appreciated. You are literally saving lives.
Same here. It filled in the missing puzzle piece
The coverts are relentless in their effort to destroy their victims. Thank you for validating what I already suspected about my covert narcissistic mother.
It seems to be their justification for being alive...😭They are nothing but terrorist. Thankful you are alive and sharing...🕊💕
@@betaylor173 I believe a covert narc would love being called/known as an emotional terrorist; that label in private would be the highlight of their life, as it is the only reason for their existence (in their sick minds).
How to identify difference between Aspergers and narcissism. And even then a child with Aspergers to a parent with narcissism can learn narcissistic ways manipulation passive aggressiveness making another person look bad and masking ? This is so complex and scary
@@TaraHower I have Aspergers and I'm an Empath. They are NOT the same.
I grow up family scapegoat and programmed too be a people pleaser messed my life and self worth but I survived by the grace off God. But having learned a bit late in life about narcissistic behaviours my life has improved a lot but those demons are everywhere
same here, it's crazy to believe that we were conditioned to be this way and for other narcissists to feed off of😢. thank God for his love, mercy and deliverance.
That was me too
I think a key characteristic of these people is that they can see the pain of the world, but they cannot see the pain they cause other people. My mom was a classic case.
They know they hurt others; it's their goal. If you're hurt and confused, you're under control. They calculate just how much they can hurt you, then draw you back in with temporary kindness. Then they strike again with abuse. It's a whipsaw, back and forth, creating chaos. All the time the narc is center position, sucking up the fuel.
Sadly some do see it, if someone is in pain, it helps them project out their pain and is makes them feel empowered.
Some do see it in the people they target.1) The enjoy it 2) They don’t care as long as it’s not them.
@@macnchessplz good point. You almost have to suspect some sociopathy involved if there is cruelty or joy mixed in with it.
@@JennRazo Yes,I do suspect it. Most people have a line in the sand.When you see someone has none? Then ….
One of the best videos I ever watched on this topic. I was raised by such type, a bizarre mix of a highly covert NPD, severe BPD and some traits of codependency all in one person. He was totally maddening and abusive with explosive rage, terrible temper, violence and hence unbelievably damaging to my mom and me, all done behind closed doors. But for public, he was the sweetest, kindest, smooth, humble, charming, sheepish and a generous angel. I thank you Ross for your great work you're doing for years, on this immensely complex subject. 🙏
You have described the ex husband. He tried to kill me twice. It was always up to me to know how to treat the ex. I was the indentured servant.
I had a guy like this pull me in at work and my brain would always tell me he has borderline or bipolar or narcissism or I'm just totally wrong and he really is a kind, awesome, intelligent person- was funny, and seemed so caring and innocent at moments.... He truly seemed so humble and sweet, and he's actually good to his kids. But I know he had a crazy and tumultuous divorce with his wife, so all his behavior towards me gives me pause but he definitely in front of me could go into a jekyll and Hyde expression
I can relate to your side of the story, though I have narcissistic mother who is covert and a non-narcissistic father who is truly supportive to me. We need to watch more of these videos to survive narcissism. Being trapped in these toxic environments requires smart work to do.
It's so sad, my 2 sisters are this way. We suffered neglect and abuse growing up. Thank God I turned out with a great sense of empathy. I do not talk to to them at all, I realized I had to have peace in my life, a good mental health. So much better without the stress and painful drama.
Title alone: I'm not sure that I have seen anyone brave enough to address this directly a deepest nightmare to live though. May any innocent person who is in the midst of dealing with someone like this know total protection, total favor and complete justice for any of the losses or harm sustained in the process. Amen.
God Bless, Amen 🙏🏽
My three family of origin, father and siblings
Hell
Pack of wolves
You just summed up in 12 minutes what took me over 5 years to learn the hard way. I can confirm every single word. Especially that they are Oscar worthy actors. They really are! Exactly my words after the veil fell off. They are very hard to spot and they will tell you anything they think you want to hear. I personally think they have no soul. But that’s just my opinion.
Same here I thought that they didn't have a soul either. Giving them the benefit of the doubt is the worst thing that you can do. They are always thinking of ways to hurt you. They will smile in your face while they are sharpening the knife to kill you with. They are dangerous people. You can't trust them and will leave you when you need them the most.
Yeah, I call them the "Dark Ones". The light can never be acknowledged around these types of people.
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
How do they all act the same?! How is this possible. Everything you listed happened to me
Me too
Same here
She's absolutely Evil and an absolute angel...
Go figure eh :/
Married to covert for 10 years. It’s unbelievable. I have hundreds of hours of stories and examples of how these people behave. She is still coming after me and we’ve been divorced 4 years now.
They see you as their possession
They can STALK you for years ,be AWARE for monitoring ,proxyharass and wiretapping ..
Yesssss I’m going through a divorce and I feel like a property OMG SOOOO GROSSS I regret it all
Share all these please 🎉
Would love to hear some to confirm my ex gf was a covert narc.
I think that my ex boyfriend, I believe a covert narcissist, was so skilled at it that he would actually admit to being a narcissist, even go to AA meetings and see a pseudo, non licensed-therapist (a friend of his) to declare that he was doing everything he could to work on his issues so he couldn’t be blamed for that. At the same time he gaslighted me and made me become almost a codependent to keep me under his control; occasionally telling me I was the narcissist and that I was the one who wasn’t working on my issues while he pretended to work on his…
I realised afterwards he was calculating all the time his next moves and manipulating me into believing that our relationship was special. I am an HSP with high empathy and of course I was overly empathetic to the story of his childhood traumas.
Wow! All you are saying, I can relate to. Sorry you had to endure this. Unbelievable!
@@thechandalife I can't believe I just read her comment. Mine started AA a few weeks ago. I got him into it. He became a complete sweetheart, entirely attentive, seemed to want to change our entire dynamic. I had a sneaking suspicion I didn't want to get too excited. He did a few things that I'd have no choice but to "store up" until I finally became triggered by the insecurity it caused and brought it up in a few long texts. He immediately said "I guess this is when your crazy comes out." I got so angry because everything had built up so much that I started texting him one thing after another of all the shit he had done that I wanted an answer on. I was very direct and pulled no punches. He told me he's not talking to me and had to go (and I knew he had to go but he better respond later.) The next day, he still never addressed anything, so I ripped into him. He said "I thought you changed as much as I have but obviously not. This isn't going to work." I was furious, told him I'm coming to get a few things of mine that he had, and would drop off the few things if his that I had. He blocked me ever since.
And still. I sit here furious at myself thinking I messed it all up and should've kept quiet. I think that was the final blow, to make it look like the problem was all me in the relationship. Never once did he defend anything I brought up. Only told me he'll do what he pleases without my permission.
Was yours an alcoholic? Are you still with him? Did he go to AA? What happened?
@@koiulm84Did you blame yourself? As I said above, mine did AA (2 weeks) gaslit, I took the bait and he used it to say I haven't changed because I "praise" him one minute and "spit venom" the next. He said he's changed but I haven't, and he's going to live a happy life traveling with no one bringing him down. It was like a sucker punch and I felt like he set it up to change the image from drunken ass%$@! to sober prince charming, and then drop the bait to trigger me. 2 years of horrific alcoholism I dealt with. So much insecurity, devaluing, feeling jealous, wondering about every freaking thing, and he expected me to forget all of it the minute he was sober. It sickens me. It *looked like* I was the crazy one for sure, because I ripped into him. I'm already diagnosed C-PTSD so every time one of the major triggers happened (usually him disappearing off texts for hours, making me think he was texting other women while drunk) it was *always* before the weekend. He would watch me blow up his phone and he'd stonewall me until Monday. We'd then talk and he'd always have excuses like "I fell asleep." It did make me look paranoid, but truth is that he came to me while still with his ex, so I thought he'd do the same to me.
How did yours end?
I know this person. I ended our relationship in Sept 2023.
I knew it had to be a combination of the two,npd and sociapathy. 100 percent in coverts.
My experience has solely been with covert narcissists, starting with my narc stepfather at the age of 13. I never knew that covert narcissism is a combination of NPD and ASPD. Very interesting!
I’m sending you a Soul Hug. One entered my life right before I turned 12...No one deserves that torment..,.🕊💕
This describes my family - so incredibly sad
I have a mother who constantly criticizes me as a covert narcissist. The death threats she uses against is sociopathic when I really think about them. I thought she was psychopathic for how well she groomed me into accepting her abuse and lies to everyone. I am still learning more about disorders and to how to survive against them.
I love your work Dr. Rosenberg! You’re a genius.
I married a covert narcissist in disguise while in shock following the suicide of my dad who was destroyed by his parents' toxic dynamic and his inability to live as the upright man he knew himself to be. I white knuckled like a ninja until my mom killed herself thirteen years later. That is when the decompensation began to show. And boy howdy was I decompensated. She had been the borderline puppet master and my birth family divided along fault lines I had not known existed. Suddenly I was entirely alone, exhausted on every level and helpless as only a decompensated pollyanna can be. I could see no way out that wouldn't dump my burdens on my kids and I was determined to keep that vow at least. Fifteen years later I am able to say that I am who I was always meant to be and decades once lost are now layers of compassion and avenues of discovery. Stil and all the shape shifting covert narcissist points out fallacy and weakness and so the work continues even as I do the inner and outer work to free myself entirely and the universe trusts me with a helping role. Friendship, fresh air, honest conversation and easy laughter is the picture I carry and work toward. Thank you for ALL the help and encouragement!
🎉 hooray you are free today!
I don’t know you but I am proud to hat you kept on pushing 😊 God bless you !!!!
@@sandy0519871 thank you Love. I truly appreciate your kind thought expressed! I'm a warrior. Apparently 😉
All those cluster b disorders usually have some overlap with others.
Definitely!
This is so heartbreakingly sad
The worst part to me… is that they have me doubting myself…am I one? I mean yes I WILL admit that I have codependent tendencies, and I’m working on that… I’m scared…I mean I got the reverse discard by way of violence…she beat me, broke my arm, and destroyed everything…
the fact that you are asking possibly are you, then most likely you are not
Remember that being imperfect is not abusive :)
@@CandyOnAChopstick 🤐zip it.
@@Michelehoffman-q7c I was saying the narcissist says we’re abusing them when we’re simply imperfect. I can see I worded this poorly a year ago.
@@CandyOnAChopstick gotcha. Didn't mean to jump you, but the folks here have had their minds messed with enough. Thanks for clarifying.
I lost a lung on that DENIAL part. Thanks!
My covert narcissist crush played hot and cold with me and after one round I shut him down. After giving me the cold treatment, I literally started ignoring him forever. He tried to flirt with me, stare at me smiling but I turned down his every gaze. At this, instead of feeling guilty for mistreating me and understanding that i was giving him the silent treatment for being cold and resentful, he literally punished me and made me feel guilty! He got really angry, he was shaking and was all red. The next time he flaunted his new hot conquest in front of me just to hurt me. It's incredible! He was the one playing with me, I just put an end to it, I asserted my boundaries and made him hold accountable and at this he blamed it all on me and got revenge, only because I dared to cut him off due to his abuse! in other words, I was punished and deliberately hurt for me not putting up with his disrespect, for refusing to be played! What kind of psycho this is...
They have unrealistic unreasonable expectations and are impossible to make happy!
Thank you for these valuable insights. As much as understanding the various narcissistic types, it has also been a huge ‘aha’ to a knowledge and work on my codependent type responses. As you state, I was drawn to the charming, self-effacing, vulnerable (appearing) covert narcissists over and over again.
It has also been valuable to embrace the fact that a codependent type has often had a narcissistic parent and so this apologetic etc behaviour has been mastered and so the ghastly cycle continues.
Love your videos. My ex is a dangerous covert/psychopath “nice” guy victim ect … he was very aware of when to be nice if he needed something. He was able to act in a way to get what he wants
I am perplexed how the law does not prosecute the damage they cause in ALL areas..... It's absolutely egregious behavior that breeds bleeding into generations
Narcs lovebomb/bribe Everyone~Your Attorneys, Forensic Psychiatrist, Accountant maybe Police, Your Family...They must WIN & Destroy...💞💞💞Get Away from them & be careful!!
@@taffylove6193 hugs
" how the law does not prosecute the damage they cause in ALL areas"
The law is part of problem.
Trump or CBT.
CBT is instructing socially anxious people to expose to toxic people and it self pathologize symptoms they feel after the abuse. Thus it is repeating the abuse. CBT is main default therapy for social anxiety - instilled by narcissists in managerial seats.
Narcissistic society perceives aggression as ability and competence thus it gives narcissists wings.
Narcissism and psychopathy can be discovered with brain scan - so we can exclude them from for example driving license and work with people - such as criminals cannot work in kindergarten or governmental or bank jobs.
The same system needs to be done with narcissists and psychopaths.
Because those in power are narcassists and psychopaths. It's a system built by them for them. Fraud, deceits, scams are plentiful in our economy. Their educational system does not teach us about them.
@@MiteshDamania And think about it more.
It is very serious , extremely serious blunder. So much that someone might end up in jail for fraud.
We can see this deceit in social anxiety and how medical community manages it:
Medical community is the one that has to clarify social anxiety - but instead they obfuscate it- in order to make money out if selling drugs.
The information that there is a difference between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder is criminally neglected and covered up.
I see now mothers diagnosing their kids for having "social anxiety" because their kids are afraid to remove mask in school. That is insanity. Term social anxiety is being used for any slight difference in social behaviour. That is very dangerous - since it can be used as a method to control people and their rights and free will.
You simply ashame their behaviour - and you control other people through guilt and shame of being different than default masses.
Social anxiety is biggest blunder of CBT (which is main default therapy for social anxiety) - we are talking here about the great scam, about anxious people being intentionally misdiagnosed to make money out of people in need for pharma profit.
It is like criminal mind such as Putin or Trump got in managerial seat of medical association and get their evil manipulation on exploiting people with mental issues.
I found a convert narcissist in my life after our mom passed away. I never knew someone who pretended to be so helpful and supportive at first and then showed who they really are. Years later and they still refuse to let me have my inheritance and are blaming me for it. I've never known someone who was so manipulative and with zero empathy. I made one request and their response was exactly the narcissist injury description. Exactly.
You’re absolutely right I’ve been through it once you’ve been through it they cannot fool you anymore
Ross is simply the best
The New Testament says there are people who have a "form of godliness", but "deny the power thereof". The rest of the verse says, "From such, turn away".
Hello... I am always so glad when I get here on time!
"they want to be jerks, they do it because what they do they feel is right. They are entitled, feel that they are special, and centre of attention, charismatic, aggressively controlling."
If we step back - we can see that they are actually children, spoiled children mindset trapped inside adult body. Then it makes sense why they behave like this. They simple evolved their child self that was arrested in development and they adopted their child self to adult world - with sex abuse, drug abuse, temper tantrums and violence now in adult settings. Their logical, adult part of brain is repressed - and small parts of adult thinking inside their brain is enslaved to serve child mindset of greed and instant pleasure. The trauma creates this disorder - and they consciously decided to be evil to handle the world and problems.
Yeah, they wear mask of adult person - but it is mask, this Persona is made in shape of adult person.
Similar to the Tom Hanks movie "Big". When you talk to this person, you think it is adult - but inside there is trapped 8 year old boy with mindset of a child.
They will sniff out the exact opposite: traumatized people who did the opposite from them - it is when our adult brain is in total charge, and we suppressed our child parts that are not evil - yet we decided that being bold is evil - so we suppressed it. Now we will be the polar opposite from narcissist - and there will be magnet force between.
Persona mask is not evil nor bad by default.
Persona functions is to serve us as a communication tool with other people - similar to Star Trek universal translator - to adopt our messages to others. So we might feel bad and depressed or scared - but when we talk to random people - we will not act bad, depressed or scared - especially if we need some information from them - since we do not want to scare them away. Or perhaps we are intelligent and very sensitive - if we show our true Self to others, we will bore them to death. We need to pretend a little bit to be more stupid or less sensitive - in order to find balance and on par communication balance with people who are not so smart or sensitive.
Narcissistic - since they are kids trapped in adult body - never grew up and they never learned the purpose of mask. They abuse mask to take advantage of other people - because they quickly did find out that if they throw temper tantrum or if they allow their child to be brutally honest and without empathy - they noticed that many people get scared and fawn to such people - and narcissist are convinced that other people are weak - and can be programmed and hypnotized into submission so that they can exploit them.
Narcissists do not realize due to egocentrism which is part of child mindset - arrested in development - that they are actually parasiting over other people. In their mind they are superior and other people are weak and stupid.
We on the other hand - are not aware of Jung's Persona - and we have no clue that we are seeing the behaviour and word coming from a mask - and there is scared little spoiled brat behind it.
I would say as years go by, this child stays child - and it can be become very dangerous - since it has been isolated from common sense, it is trapped inside its own fantasy world -
and I think this is where psychopathy stems from - serial killers etc.
We live in magical world full of synchronicity and imagination that intertwines with reality, yin yang dynamics that are far too perfect to be created on its own, the world of sixth sense and paranormal mixing with science and objective truth - and narcissists with their child mindset interpret this dualism dynamics as fantasy world of horror - similar to the movie "The Cell" with J.Lo from 2001 (Stephen King's novel). They are mentally ill but their mask is keeping their head above the water.
We need to be aware when we communicate with people - if their mask is part of communication translator or if the mask if cover up for mental illness.
This is why education about narcissist is very crucial life skill that no one told us that we need to educate ourselves about.
CBT will explain to us that we are delusional if we feel symptoms of fear after the abuse. And CBT will instruct us to expose ourselves to all people - without telling us how to retort to difficult people neither how to recognize them nor what to do when you cannot run away from them.
Thank you for this comment. Very few comments on youtube get me to back up and read again but yours did. You make excellent points.
@@alouise3557 💕💝
1 year later on -
for anyone suffering complex trauma from narc abuse and feel stuck -
check out No Bad Parts book and IFS Model.
It is the best tool to understand trauma and how to move on in life after the abuse.
What you said explains them perfectly. It was something I recognized but didn't have the words to explain. Thank you.
3:44 D.E.N.I.A.L.
Don't Even (K)now I Am Lying
Yes. Mum totally conscious of what she does. I’ve detailed if you make me suffer this it’ll inflict pain on me. She went right ahead her convenience is paramount
Excellent video and explanation. I wish I knew this earlier in my life. It would of helped me.
I am a recovering from narcissim by the power of Jesus Christ. Also, I married narcs. So I am here listening. I saw that person you had with steam coming out his ears and I had to laugh because I remembered how I used to feel when something did not go the way I planned. Your doing a good job with your description.
Hi Tracy, are you the narc? I want to know your story as I am also a Christian and am really torn with trying to figure out if my "Christian" husband is actually in the process of growing to know Jesus, or if he's playing with me and will never change. I can get out now, before our baby is born and run away, or if I make the wrong decision I might be stuck for a long time by him.
I'm loosing faith that he will change, even though I know it's possible
TessasChannel-ry1go. I am an overcoming nice covert narc by the power of Jesus Christ. People thought I was nice. Actually, I have hated humans with a passion since age almost 4. After Christ change started. You have to ask Jesus about your hubby. You married him. Don't tell me you did not see signs. However, I only married narcs. Both of them said they were Christian when its convenient. I married people that I did not like nor love and vice versa. Marriages of convenience. We wore mask for the public. My second narc hubby thought I was an empath. He wondered why he could never get me to cry. Neither of us had empathy . My narc hubby would tell me all the time. You are not who I thought you were. He would say your the toughest lady I have ever met. Narcs will destroy you because who you think you married is an illusion. In order to stay with a narc. You have to walk closely with Christ. They will tear you down, manipulate, even plot to have you killed or kill you themselves. However, you don't have to divorce, but you may have to live in your own place to have peace. If he is a narc then Satan is your father-in-law. You have to follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit. Remember, you cannot change your hubby. He knows he is wicked, and he knows he can run to Christ. But, most of the time they don't want too. But, they will say things to get you to stay. They got to keep a false image up for the public. One of my narc hubbys had to go to the doc for prozac because instead of destroying me he almost collaspe. The other one had to take high blood pressure pills after conversing with me. I was suppose to be a Bride of Satan. Therefore, I was pretty evil myself. If it was not for the power of Jesus Christ in my life. I would have murdered both of them . And, I would be dead myself if God had not had mercy. So instead of murder, I would leave them when I knew my rage was getting too much for me to overcome. Be very careful telling a narc your leaving. Leave first quietly because it could send him in a rage. And, you would risk your life. Never tell him your going to strip him of all his finances. You may have to get the police to go with you each time you go back home to get something if you leave him. Be careful. Praying for you. Jesus Christ is Lord.
I’m walking this line now. This is so upsetting. I wish I could “wake” him up, to get help.
You can’t…save yourself
Stop wishing
No cure for hollow heart / hollow human. Learned the hard way after 9 years and multiple chances. I was so good to her and I finally had to give up. It is very very hard, hardest thing I've ever been through, but you will find strength they made you think you never had and you will be much better off in the long run. Get out ASAP.
@@HorizonHipHop thanks divorce in process. I’m out. Hurting but out. Much love.
@@maustin950 you'll get there
Prayers to Christopher Hearn and his 5 yr old step daughter.
Would love to hear other people's stories of experiencing "duper's delight", or that twisted smirk that crosses a Narc's lips when he/she is somehow asserting some kind of power over you. I experienced that for the first time just a couple minths ago, it was like he turned from Jekyll to Hyde; he was unrecognizable and it scared me!
What's dupers delight? Never heard of it.
It's when they feel related when they've managed to deceive someone. Duper's delight in Narcissists in my experience can be seen in a fleeting smirk or watery crocodile grin combined with a glint in their usually lifeless eyes.
Elated not related!
@@JH-td4mn my ex ex ex did that all the time. I always referred to him as a Sociopath. He cut everyone down and hated everyone on the planet. Always made it appear no one was of his level. Your comment just made me think of that. Now I wonder if he was a Narc too, after I'm now dealing with the loss of the "Love of my life" Narcissist as I'm being blocked for firing a bunch of questions at him to hold him accountable. I'm now wondering if I've been with a few Narcissists but the one your comment reminded me of used to *smile at me* while insulting me. Brutal insults.
Mums a covert narcissist, along with two siblings who are just plain narcissistics. Everything you said about what CN does when one confronts, is what’s been done to me my whole life, but without calling anyone out. I’m sacrificed for convenience by her, and demeaned and slandered constantly by all 3 to rationalize their abhorrent behaviour. I’m out. She’s elderly and I have people saying she will soon die , but there’s no value in it, and I’d have to eat so much shit, I’m not doing it.siblings cut off long ago. So yep, being totally slandered and will never see her before funeral. Looking so forward to Christmas without having to submit to abuse to, as you said , to satisfy whatever need they have. Thank you for your advice!
Sorry for all the abuse. Did you know christmas is pagan in origin?
Proof that they KNOW what they are doing: Because they are a different person in public than they are in private. They KNOW when to turn on the charm and do their little act, and they KNOW when it is "safe" to abuse you in private.
SUPER WELL DONE, SIMPLY EXPLAINED SO ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND IT , I LEARNT A LOT MORE & SUPER THANKS. JULY 7,2022
You are very welcome!
Thanks for doing a video on this topic, Ross. I needed to view it. Within the past year, I worked with a female covert narcissist +++. The longer we worked together, there was something about her I couldn't quite put my finger on. It kept nagging me. After I took another job, something made me think about her and her behavior while we worked together. I really think God was working to help me figure out this situation (I work a 12 Step program, too, which often gives me a lot of insight and awareness). Annoyingly, the covert always wanted me to stay after my shift ended and talk to me. You see, this was induced conversation. I felt she was very strange. There were topics she would nag about, that held no merit. And often I set a boundary there. She kept this up each day we worked together. She often put on her know-it-all pants and took the liberty to criticize my work. Then she would treat me as if I didn't know what I was doing and make it seem that she needed to train me with this one thing. This was not her job. I was actually more experienced than she was. I put a stop to that when I set a boundary, over and over. She would become visibly upset if she even thought I was going to ask her to stay past the end of her shift, even if it was so we could do a shift change. This is right in line w/what Ross just talked about. Pay attention when our intuition nags away at us about someone in our life. Suspect she launched a smear campaign against me where I used to work, and even at an auto garage that she recommended to me. Suddenly the owner became "strange" and started telling me they were very short of mechanics and had too much business to work on my car that day. He is a specialist in my make of car. He takes first come, first served appointments, but he didn't have time to work on my car when I arrived right at 8AM, or even for the rest of the day. Or any other day. Very weird, I thought. I had a huge awakening about what was going on because I do a lot of studying about narcissism and toxic personalities. I have to....they are TOO PREVALENT in my field of work. It really doesn't matter how much you may know sometimes, but pay close attention to your intuition because if your intuition is flagging someone, watch out!! And don't spend extra time with anyone so they can pry you with induced conversation.
Wow! so much like the ex friend i had. hope you are doing better now.
Yes they are very prevalent. Based on stats, it's more prevalent in men than in women. Hope you're moved away from that female narc though.
The Cognitive Neuroscience of Narcissism, Jor of Brain Behaviour and Cognitive Sciences - Vol 1 No.1:6 2018 - demonstrated significant physical organic alterations of the brains of narcissists, (eg, diminished insula).
My personal experience, I’m over 60, I noticed all that approached me to be friends and ripped me off etc were all adopted. Or raised by a single mother
My experience
I have experienced men & women...Be careful out there!!
My experience from the predictor stepfather from the stalker/hacker from nine+ years ago were raised by both of their parents and also, supported into their 40’s...My Word! I just had an epiphany...😳Thank You!!!
That's a hefty leap if you think everyone or even most who were adopted or raised by single mom are narcs. Maybe you just like abortions.
@@justjosie8963 just personal experience… maybe you love abortions
I have the feeling that what we always echo back and forth about them not knowing they are problematic isn't true. Most times yes. But I think that in cases, where they actually manage to bend reality in their head just the right way they start to think "I'm evil and I like it" or something like that. I encountered these sorts of people quite often. Not in a braggy kinda way but they do seem to open up a little and they seem to be able to acknowledge the fact they are sick. The fact that they enjoy being evil cancels out the shame, which allows them to see it.
Mine ex covert narc is exposed badly, and in the end things are not going to work well for him. It’s going to be a HUGE NARCISSIST INJURY to it’s finest!🤡🤡🤡👈🏻
Be careful mine poisoned my coffee I was violently Ill. They are known to poison food and drink
@@marybowers6090 I haven’t seen him in a little over two years and will never see the guy again, but thank you for the heads up. I’ve seen that show on crime tv like dateline, 48 hours mystery and the black widow shows. Absolutely nuts.
Always cutting edge! Thanks Doc
Im a psychotherapist…100%
Juggling this carefully in relationship…
The intro and outro song gives me the feeling of safety :)
I'm a codependent and have two narcissistic daughters, one for sure is covert and the other may or may not be as she is still pretty young 21, but sure acts like she is. I believe I have contributed to this being a mother who gave into them all the time, gave them everything because I always wanted them happy. Now I am paying the price. Within the past 9 months or so I have learned so much regarding all of this. I thought I was going crazy, but my daughters narcissism is ramping up, and now has her flying monkeys involved, she controls with punishment even if you apologize and apologize for things you've never done. It's insane. She literally thinks everything is my fault, she has no fault of her own and now has decided to withhold our grandchildren (who love us) because I called her out on some things - this is our punishment. Punishment for these people never end. Either submit, obey, jump through the burning hoops and hope you never get burned. It's exhausting!!!!
Yes. Keep quiet, never question, keep smiling, do not interfere with the game they have going. Sit in the corner like a child in the naughty seat and cry until it hurts so bad you beg for forgiveness just to make the hurting stop. Say you're wrong for things you had the right to bring up, or else you will be punished *again* and next time, worse. While driving in your car, promise yourself next time you'll be better and hope you can control yourself and keep silent so you don't have to suffer the silence again. At all times, know your role and don't say anything. As angry as you get, hold it in until you're boiling, and even then, keep quiet or the backlash will come and it's back to suffering. Any crying in their presence will be met with silence.
It's so sad and makes me sooooo angry.@@alouise3557
I'm very interested in anything about the covert narcissist. My favorite subtype to study but to be clear nothing favored about narcissist to me at all😖
My ex threw a full-blown tantrum in my driveway, stamping his feet, yelling at me. I told him to leave and not come back until he could act like a grown-up. This man was in his 70's, and his plan of intimidation was a complete failure. Soon after, I filed for divorce.
Wow, you divorced a man in his 70s?
yes, I did@@alouise3557
I seem to be the only one in my family who has been able to unmask my dad who is a covert narcissist and is being treated for BPD. Codependence is rampant in my family. My Dad convinced us so much that we were the problem that we started to believe it! His inability to separate his personal problems from the people around him was incredibly damaging to all of us.
Oh, my Soul!!! You described the Stalker/Hacker from 2014 that I am still terrified of and terrified of going in public...! I’m an ENFP...TEARS! How do I become whole, again? Please, help...😭
NPD=No Personal Defense
Apparently, they believe that gives them the defense to go insane and to harm anyone physically/emotionally/mentally as those that harmed them deserve it...?! It seems they get away with murder as their victims are physically alive, but slowly dying from within their soul. Sir, it is Not fair! I beg you...I implore you...How does one heal from such unspeakable abuse, please?
No contact ever again. Watch lisa Romano and Thomas sheridan
I had this issue, you can change profiles, go anonymous and so on online or just do you and 💯 ignore them. It's your life, report them if you have to but otherwise become totally indifferent to them, they'll feel the energy ahift and move on.
Thank you for the information.
My ex narc said “Empathy can be used as a weapon.” And he did!
They never let go
A narcissist danger power , definitely, is directly proportional to his/ her wealth.
You describe my husband. It is safer to stay rather than divorce 😢the shit storm that would come from leaving is not something I could bear. He used his parents money to be lazy and promised me a world. I gave up a career and my family and friends now I am alone. I don’t even know how to recover from this. My life is devastating empty and cold. Yet he talks and preaches to people think he is a sweet husband.
Center of Attention!!!
I am confused or worried whether I am narcissistic or have some elements of narcissism , Because I can’t see myself hurt someone on purpose, take advantage, by the way I am the one who mostly taken advantage of , I am kind of confused on how to find out how to go through the diagnosis of narcissism seriously I don’t want hurt someone,get hurt all I want to do is to lead peaceful life without any form of drama.
You need to read his book. Only codependents wonder this.
You are not a Narc ...a Narc never admits their wrongs or weaknesses
The fact that you're asking the question in the first place means you are not a narcissist
Thank you for this!
Great video and explanation
10:04 told my now ex when we were together not to waste my time. She realized i would not stay around if she behaved disrespectfully and used that in every argument and each time i told her i meant every word when i said that
Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Well put.
For us ADHD people, he finally gets to the point at around 6:10. Start there.
Worst case scenario. X has ASD w/Malignant Narc traits(gang affiliate The Bloods), We have a 15yr old girl.. His Mom is a textbook Covert. My Mom is an overt Narc. I am the scapegoat in recovery. My recent X is a diagnosed ASD, & a malignant Narc. I caused injuries to each one. His Mom turned my teen against me. Both Gmas filed joint custody after I publicly reacted to the abuse, called police and they have temp. Custody. Hearing next week. GAD is Gmas flying monkey. The two of them went way over the top smearing me to her. GAD looks at me with poorly veiled revulsion. I am utterly ostracized by all family. I am thankful in advance to YAHWEH for the forthcoming return of my precious child. My teen's Gma on the X side has created a toxic bond w/my teen. My child mimics Gma's gaslighting on her autistic brother, in an attempt to make my son actually doubt he'd been beaten by Step Gpa. Mom has funded this operation costing multiple five figures. I have no option but to "out" them both in court. Gmas are not above contracting a hit on me, so both would get an unhindered supply from my children, splitting them up in the process. Help. I am in desperate need of help.
How do I know if I'm a covert narcissist?
I am being told that this is me.
So much of the information on TH-cam talks about this in such absolute and fixed terms. If I really behave in covert narcissistic ways I want to change.
I resonate with what you are saying like I think my girlfriend is like this in many ways but I hate to blame and play the victim.
I wish someone like you ,Ross, would listen to our endless ridiculous conversations and tell me if it really is my fault.
-Confused
Are you still on youtube? Still trying to get the answer to this? I'm being disposed of by a Covert and I'm very familiar with the tactics. Are you saying you think she's one? And she's saying you're one? My guy told me his ex is a Narcissist. I swear he said it as a tip-off because that's exactly what led me to find Covert Narcissism. I swear I've been set up from the beginning.
@@alouise3557 I found a guy online called Dr. Les Carter. He articulated things that really helped me to understand what was going on. I took a big loss to end the relationship but I won back my peace and sanity. I still don't understand how to differentiate the strategic from the pathological with that kind of behavior. Luckily all my friends that she hated showed up for me. What a relief to be out!
If you do these things, then yes you are one especially if your partner confirms this experience. There are no plausible justifiable reasons to be like a covert narc unless of course you are a covert narc. They are the only ones who justify such behaviors. That's why everything sounds so fixed and in flexible because abuse is never acceptable or deserved. No variability needed for this.
I have just left my covert narcissist. I am firm in my decision, but I am still confused. We had a relationship for 6 years, on and off. It went so far that he made me think I am the narcissist. That's what they do. They abuse you until you freak out, and then they say: Maybe you need some medication? I think you need to see a psychiatrist. It might look like you are the abuser when they put it like this, but the difference is that from you it is just a strong reaction to being abused, manipulated, cheated, lied to etc.
i was just recently diagnosed with Borderline personality dissorder/ unregulated emotional personality dissorder .( mom a narc and absent dad ) Its actually not correct when you say these types can never change. Yes its hard but ive been moving forward pro actively now for a long while . im in therapy and soon to be doing dialective behavioral therapy aswell as a non smoker as 11 months ago, and on the works of giving up drinking. ive broken many of my toxic patterns im so proud to share. my children are for ever supportive because they see the efforts i put in no matter how greuling the whole proscess is or has been.. its possible . the stigma needs to change. im a living example for some . i hope if your suffering from BPD from my experience and others i have met , its defitnatly possible , there is that light at the end of this dark bleak journey . i wish you luck and love your way xoxoxo
i just purchased your book . i love your work !! you have helped me so much . thank you
I recently learned from a therapist that there are some theories that say that abused by narcissists can develop a sort of personality disorder... Maybe you could check this possibility. Also abused can develop depression that leads to addiction. I am not an expert, so, do not trust my words, but try to look for info. I have been reading a lot lately and it is a complicated field.
I tired to deal with them for seventeen years people told me hes going to tantrum act like s child.if rather be alone than in any danger and ive worked with brain disordered children..His big thing is to try to do payback......he doesnt eve. Know he is lying. Ive been around the block om my work with people .nothing work ed. His family tried to do a intervention. He does t care truth be told he has nly w Ted my parent house to sell...
Found that out later
sad thisis about romantic relationships. As a child of a covid narcessistic mother, it is way harder to break away and to see the true person behind their mask.
Hey Doc!! Sincere thanks for this updated video!! Very good description!! Happy New Year & God Bless 🙏🏽
Yeah my ex went beserk when i set boundaries
Leave and don't look back ❤️
When I don't believe the lie of the narcissist, it causes narcissistic injury.
"How DARE you not believe my lie!"
He damaged my self esteem, finances, friendships, and degraded me almost daily. He even had me apologizing to him when he hurt me. But I actually feel sorry for him. How empty not to have feelings for anyone else but yourself.
Hi, I love your stuff, have been following you for a few years now. Can you sometime make a video about personality disordered individuals and their pets? One of my family members likes to torture/tease/disturb his dog to the point he is abusing this pet. I have seen this person kick cats and treat animals badly. Do you think this person could be ASPD or just a narcissist with sociopathy traits?
Jesus God Almighty you have to get involved to stop this! Do something- report them to police or animal control. Get proof. Please! Animals are helpless and can't leave!!
my Borderline ex tortured my cat...
I saw through one and that was enough. She could tell and she set out to destroy my reputation in the most indirect, covert way imaginable. People believed her. They have no idea who she is really. I can see why she needs that mask. The damage was done and I have no desire to even be anywhere around her or her flying monkeys.
I believe I couldn't be the first and won't be the last.
Ross, Reference to "Dark Tetrad/Dark Triad? To include sadism? Combination also to include "Dark Tetrad?" Of Covet Narcissist? Also where does the seriously sense of grandiosity and "Huge ego" come from in the narcissist matrix? I referr it now to my defination as the narcissist matrix or matrix of the narcissist instead of web of influence. As I make reference to the movie "The Matrix." Once someone is inside their matrix it is either "Fight or Flight" and an individual's attempt to get out of it safely. What are your thoughts? Thank you.
Are u saying covert narcissists and narcissistic sociopaths are one in the same?
With borderline.
According to Vaknin, male borderlines and covert narcissists are virtually indistinguishable
My mother projected the mask onto her children who she in turn called 'greedy' and 'selfish'.
I discovered this in a man I only knew for five years at work.. I had always thought he was a decent person. His games were god awful.....last words were be smart " enough to walk away" it took me years to get over .....he had his gun out on his side desk I'd given up on any kind of positive affirmations to try to get rid of my cptsd. I'm sad it came to fast forward thirty years later....he drives right in front of me said ," oh shit it's her" I just cranked up my music ignored him.
You do very good at explaining this. Don't know why you can't believe so many people has viewed it. I was watching one of yours last night about the wrestling ring and I wish very much it was the first one I ever watched starting 4 years ago. Maybe I would of shut my mouth and kept it closed altogether. I've heard to not engage before but it really got through when I watched that one about the wrestling ring and it takes two. That's how they kept control over me.
I have a nm, no contact. My grown daughter tells me I am like her. I love and care, it’s deep and my family means so much to me. My empathy can be too strong sometimes, I find it hard to cope. I have been in therapy for years to try to overcome the harm my mother did. How do I know if I am one and what can I do if I am? I am trying to get close to her by discussing life but I think that comes across as playing victim. I seem allergic to criticism, not because I think I am perfect but because I have been saying sorry for 60 years. However, I do think I might do the narcissistic injury thing. I feel sad inside and it comes out as anger or passive aggression. Other people do it to me and have treated me like rubbish but it feels like if I put a step wrong, bam. I have been walking on eggshells my whole life to try to fit in and be accepted. I fear rejection so much. I was recently diagnosed type 1 autism. Maybe I am just as monstrous as my Mum. If that’s true, what on earth can I do?
They lack… everything human and Godly. Like my sister who when I confronted her with her rages and physical abuse of her twin told me “I’m not like that and I don’t do those things.” How sick does someone have to be to not see their real self. She has always been evil since she was very young and has never changed except to be more and more evil and damaging.
So do I consider it the personification of literal EVIL.
Focussed on image
Here they call it reputation.I lived in a guesthouse and watcheď old men who were obviously 'not ok'to everyone,and yet no one dared say a word.Strangely in a group there seems to also be a kind of 'contagion'?
My main struggle to comprehend them . How is it possible they know what they’re doing and purposefully manipulate , yet they live in denial and aren’t aware they have a disorder ?? I don’t get it
They see themselves as a victim so much that they justify their actions. My mom can control it because she can turn it off and on depending on who she’s around. It’s common for narcissist to act friendly around everyone then rage at you the second you’re alone.
Covert narcissist have empathy but they choose to not have it for u.... i have felt it its an attitude like" yeah so what ur hurt what can u do about it to stop me".
Whats interesting is To observe not absorb how the female covert narcissist reacts to their aging and fading beauty.