Is Christmas A Time To Be Selfish? // Vlogmas 2021 Ep 2 [CC] [AD]
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 มิ.ย. 2024
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As an ADHDer I totally relate to Claudia's "see a job, do a job" thing. For me, I gotta do the thing as soon as I see it 'cause I know I won't remember to do it later. It's taken a lot of work for me to realize that's the pattern haha.
omg saaame. I'm always flitting around doing odd things because I'm thinking of them at the time. Otherwise--whoosh. Out of my realm of thought.
I'm the same way... I forget about the litter boxes alot. They are in the basement where I dont see them on a regular basis
I'm undiagnosed but this very much my ticking to-do list strategy because my memory doesn't seem to like my company as much.
Try having this PLUS chronic fatigue syndrome 🙃 (not negating your struggles, just taking the opportunity for a little whinge 😉)
@@hamsterpouches OMG ME TOO THO. IT SUX
I learnt this from my brother and my nephew when he was 2 at Christmas.
Don't give a toddler a load of presents to open in one sitting. My nephew got INCREDIBLY overwhelmed and burst into tears, leading to a massive tantrum. He wasn't ungrateful, he just got overstimulated. He doesn't do it now that he's older, but trickling in the opening of presents might have been a better idea.
Every toddler is different too tho 🥰 my nephew was just fine with the presents (he was 1 tho and low key not understanding it haha) but, it still stands. People just gotta remember kids are all different :)
@@rach3092 🙄I mean obviously. I was more sharing my own experience which has driven me to think "Never again"
@@lois7956 the eye roll isn't very kind. I got overstimulated as well , still do 😅
Therapist here. It's all about boundaries. Set good boundaries for yourself, especially considering we all have limited time money mobility and/or energy. Altruism and giving should be self nourishing and fulfilling, not an obligation that depletes all your resources. Keep your priorities in mind and don't compare yourself to others. If there is something you are feeling obligated to do that stirs up shame and guilt, take some time to weigh the costs and benefits, ask for help, set expectations and boundaries and be honest with those affected. None of these things are easy to do and please rely on any social support or professional support you have to help you cope with inevitable stress. Good luck everyone ❤
I'm with Claudia...I have a limited tolerance for being around people.
Same! I felt that description in my very soul.
As a straight- most of the time, no we are not okay 😂
And weaponized incompetence is such a huge problem.
Suppose we are only existing in a virtual existence, doesn’t seem matter anymore
Apparently housework takes about 38 hours per week, so would be a fulltime job. If you live alone and have a job, you are working 2 jobs if you do your own housework. You are amazing for doing housework. It's undervalued whether it's paid or not. And if you struggle with mental health issues and manage to do something to keep your house clean, you are beyond amazing. It can be as little as putting one paper away or as big as cleaning your entire home. The fact that you managed anything is worthy of an applause. If you struggle with a physical disability you do what you can, and don't do stuff you really shouldn't. I know it's difficult and it bothers you it's not the way you like, but the pain it will cause or the longer road to recovery is not worth it. If you can't do anything, that's ok. It's not your fault. If you are doing fine both mentally and psysically, keep on doing you (unless you're an asshole, then try to not be).
I needed this ❤️. Currently a full time house elf and it's so tiring and feels endless! I'm lucky that I love cleaning and housework but some days I don't get a lot done
I don’t think of this as selfish. I think of it as empathy. You have medical trauma and you don’t like seeing your son go through any pain. That’s empathy, which is a sign of love.
Empathy comes from a place of selfishness. You project your own feelings onto the other person. Sometimes, too much empathy can even become a flaw! I'd say that Jessica's example here is a perfect example of that ; because of her own experiences, she's worried about her son, but in reality, she needs to let him get this medical care. This is of course a very nuanced issue - in a way, it also showcases that selfishness isn't always as bad as it seems.
I agree.
@Jadzia With empathy, you are not projecting your feelings onto anyone else! That's really unempathetic, actually. No, empathy is all about understanding what someone else is feeling or thinking or experiencing in a situation. That's how it differs from sympathy, really. It's trying to understand what it's like to wear someone else's shoes, as they say, whereas empathy is more trying to understand what it's like for someone else to wear their own shoes. Does that help a bit more?
@@willowtdog6449 Wow, what a condescending way to be wrong.
"Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing *from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position*." [...] "The human capacity to recognize the bodily feelings of another is related to one's imitative capacities, and seems to be grounded in an innate capacity to associate the bodily movements and facial expressions one sees in another with the proprioceptive feelings of producing those corresponding movements or expressions oneself."
The basis of "understanding what someone else is feeling or experiencing" is putting yourself in their position. By putting yourself in their position, you are projecting your own feelings onto them.
If you see someone get slapped in the face, you will think about what it feels like to get slapped in the face and react accordingly, because of your empathy.
But let's say that person actually gets off getting slapped in the face and you don't know that - you will figure that it must hurt them, because it would hurt you, and run to their defense, when in reality they didn't need it at all. That's a very simplistic example of misplaced empathy.
...Does that help a bit more?
Agreed, selfless or self love ❤️
I moved across an ocean last New Year's Eve for university, and with covid and everything else, I can't go home for the holidays. These vlogmas videos feel so warm and even though there's an ache in facing this season on my own, it's nice to come here and feel a little bit more at home. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all and creating a space for people to feel welcome and safe
I hope your christmas will be wonderful this year, i understand how difficult it can be without family and familiar faces over the holidays
I've spent every Christmas alone except for my little dog since my mom died 11 years ago except for last year. I give Lara a basket of presents and treats and I make us a nice Christmas dinner, substituting a chicken for turkey since there are only two of us. The first few years were hard but you'd be surprised how you adjust and make new traditions. I'm so sorry you can't go home for the holidays but I hope you find some peace and joy wherever you are. Wishing you a happy holiday season!
I’ll be sending you love this Christmas if that makes you feel any better! ❤️💚❤️
@@Tara........ so glad you have your little dog. Mine is a lifeline too. Have a happy Christmas 🎄
@@arnicepernice8656 You too and all the best!
My immediate family has always done presents one at a time, youngest to oldest, going around until everyone runs out. It's fun to see what everyone got and it gives you a chance to thank the giver properly. It's gotten complicated in recent years, since with spouses and grandkids there are 22 of us now! We've had to give the kiddos a separate unwrapping time from the adults so they don't get too tired. Last year we did it on videocall, with all of us mailing presents beforehand or driving across town to drop packages on each other's doorsteps. It was different but still fun, and also a lot less exhausting for me with my chronic illness.
We also do presents one by one, slowly, and it's lovely. As a kid when I got lots from people not there writing my list of the gifts I got so I could write thank you notes was also really important!
When my aunt started joining us after I had moved out she was really shocked at how slow and careful and intentful we were with it, because as a child she was used to just everyone tearing everything open quickly.
Same here!!!!
its never really been a thing in our immediate family til we were pretty much adults, as young kids my dad would go downstairs to "check santa had been" (read: set up the video camera) and let us have at it on our 'santa' gifts, get them all over and done with and the excitement out of the way, have breakfast and then come back to the tree for family/friend presents where we could be a little less hyped up and properly thankful for what loved ones had bought us
Yes, my family has always done this too!! FAR more organised and peaceful than when we would go and see the other half of the family on boxing day and all the kids would attack their presents all at once like wild animals haha
Thank you for sharing about the mental health side of chronic illness. My whole body shakes when I go to my appointments now and it makes it even harder for doctors to take me seriously, unfortunately.
I completely understand that feeling and it's something I'm working hard on too 💖
@@jessicaoutoftheclosetI have developed a smidge of agoraphobia too, so it was really great hearing someone else mention the same. Thank you for sharing that.
In my family, we each take turns slowly opening our presents. It's really nice because the whole family is genuinely exited about each members gifts and it lasts a while. We also celebrate Santa Lucia as an Italian tradition.
We celebrate Lucia here in Sweden by dressing in long white dresses, signing and saffron buns. How do you do it?
We also dress up in a white gown with candles in our hair and sing songs. Depending on the region we either give out little sweets or presents.
I tried to get my family to do presents this way now that even my nephew is college age. When everyone takes turns, we all get to enjoy seeing our gift opened by the recipient, which can be so fulfilling.
To me the answer to that question is relatable to the oxygen mask scenario in a in-flight air emergency. You put your own oxygen mask on first, then you help the ones closest to you and then whomever else you can safely reach. My holiday traditions (well adjusted by quarantine issues) really are just looking at the beautiful lights being put up everywhere (I live in USA). It seems, maybe briefly, that everyone and everything is smiling and happy.
Absolutely! I think the oxygen mask analogy is perfect for this situation.
This.
Both! Nothing is black and white and you should evaluate each situation and decide what it needs.
"What a ramble, but we got there" is like The Statement that is defining my current period in life. Too many things are happening to be able to go in a mental straight line.
3:32 "It's really NOT the compliment that you think it is..." LOL
I have been sick my whole life, and the way people treat you! Thank you, Jessica, for telling people how it is!
As someone who just had several panic attacks yesterday at a hospital appointment, I relate so much to this intro. I’m using BetterHelp too, here’s to resolving some trauma!
Well done for seeking out help, the first step can sometimes be the hardest! 💜
Christmas blessings to you.
@@heatherjones4034 thanks so much 😊 and blessings to you also
@@crisscringle 🤶🏻❄️♥️
I think it's wise that you have conversations with Rupert. Personally, I think the lessons children remember and take to heart the most are the ones they can't remember hearing for the first time. It's just a part of who they are.
As a child, Christmas always started off with opening stockings from Santa. Every year we'd get Hot Wheels cars among other small bits and bobs. After that, we might open a gift or two from mom and dad, but mostly we saved them for the gathering of cousins at Grandpa's house later in the day.
After my mother died, Christmas traditions really fell apart. The first Christmas without her was also the first Christmas we had a fake tree... I just about lost my mind. (I was 14 at the time.) Everything else, like visiting Grandpa, fell apart too.
These days I see my sisters and their children a few days before or after Christmas, but I spend the holiday itself with my dog, many cups of warm beverages, and a good book.
My family has always taken turns opening presents one at a time from youngest to oldest. It makes the whole process last longer and makes smaller presents feel equally as special as bigger ones. It also serves as a reminder that Christmas is about spending time with family for us 🥰
There are some perks to actually being a grandmother. Unfortunately, my children and grandchildren live far away and for the last four years it's just been me and my husband. It's really nice not having to make an elaborate 12 course meal any more and also funny because my daughter will call me 90 million times wanting instructions on how to cook things. Yes, she's getting a cook book for Christmas! LOL I also have medical trauma and anxiety, so I totally understand. Tell Claudia Happy Birthday...from North Carolina. You just keep being the amazing human that you are!! Merry Christmas 🎄!
Happy Birthday, Claudia!
RE: Making Christmas last longer and be slower -- my oartner and I do twelve days of gifts. We start wtih stockings on Christmas Day and then every day after for 12 total days we give each other something. MOST of the presents are small items, such as a second-hand paperback book. We will have one big gift each, and usually I throw a scavenger hunt into the celebrations at least one of the days.
Hmmm.... This is a super interesting question! Woman here! The holiday "days" are for me and immediate family only. Don't call because I am not available. We do have a extended family dinner on the 24th. The dinner itself is always a little awkward because we're not close (but that also means nobody interrogates me about same sex partner because that would be impolite). But the food prepping is always quality family time for me. I live on a different continent and 6 timezones from my family, so yep there is always jet lag, and tough family conversations haha. As for selflessness, I make sure to "give" before the actual holidays. For me, being "selfless" is also a "selfish" act in and of itself.
In my family, we have a nice tradition that helps avoid the random opening of presents: everyone will sit together and we start rolling a dice. Whoever rolls a six can get up and pick a present from under the tree. Then that persons give the present to whoever it's for and everyone watched them unwrap it, before the dice rolling continues. It makes the unwrapping into a nice little ceremony and prolongs the moments :)
In my family ( I originally thought everyone did this) we sit in a circle and each person opens one at a time, and we talk about it together and thus get to see everyone's reaction to each gift! It's really sweet and something I now do with my friends too! Also I love the idea of a subscription as a gift! More and more I'm discovering how getting something I can engage with extensively brings me a lot of joy! Also glad to hear you aren't putting more social pressures on yourself! ♥️
Claudia has the same chaotic, mom-hustle energy that I do
Honestly, I've come to dread holidays because there's always a situation where I don't want to go somewhere because of one person, but I want to go because of another. It honestly never really occurred to me to do a risk-benefit type analysis of the situation just by "which would you regret more." That's excellent (and really simple!) advice, so thank you!
I definitely relate to the whole "if it's not big, it's not Christmas" thing... been working through that myself. when I was growing up we would all pick out one gift to open on Christmas eve, which I always enjoyed a lot. then on Christmas morning everyone would gather in the room next to the living room with the tree, presents, etc. until everyone was awake. then we'd all go in together and dig into our stockings for a bit, then our grandfather would put on a Santa hat and hand out the gifts under the tree one by one (for all 25 cousins!!)
it lasted all morning haha but those are some amazing memories. it blew my mind to learn that other people didn't do the same thing!
11:29 I definitely relate to this. I think mental health is often over looked around the holidays because you don’t want to be that “sad” person that drags the whole party down.
Why not both? It's okay to think about others, but that doesn't mean you should neglect/forget yourself
That’s kinda how I’m trying to think of the holidays this year ^^ because it’s a bit stressful for me too and doing that helps 🙂
after many years of swinging to both sides, i have landed with this conclusion too. people that really care about you want you to take care of yourself.
I agree that a balance of both is the way to go 👍🏻👍🏻 Giving to others is important too but there is absolutely no good reason why we should neglect ourselves in the process and only be a giver to others and not to ourselves. Everyone needs time to rest and recharge and that’s not selfish, that’s healthy 😃😃
I spent the morning with close family and the afternoon napping with my pets because going to the big extended family event was too much. I'll give what spoons I can but also not burn myself out for the sake of stupid expectations of people I barely see
I'm absolutely on board with stretching out Christmas morning. As a kid I always wanted to take my time, to the point of frustrating my parents, because I would want to open/appreciate/play with each gift as I opened it, instead of ripping into the next one.
Now as an adult I make a point to put on a holiday movie in the background, with the mentality that Christmas presents need opened by the end. Pace yourself and enjoy snacks/conversation and open one gift at a time.
I also like seeing people's faces when they open MY gifts, so I tend to spend more time watching everyone else than opening my own gifts
We open presents one at a time. So we give take one present from the tree, give it to the person, they open it, we can all look at it, and then we continue, it's nice because you get to see what everyone bought for everyone, and it is slower than opening everything at once.
My thoughts have always been thst you need to do what's best for you. If being selfless is what makes you happy and fulfilled, do that. If you need time to be selfish and indulge yourself to make it through, take your damned time and relax. We should not force ourselves to be or do something that causes you harm.
My family goes around the circle and opens gifts one at a time. It takes a lot longer that way but it’s really nice to appreciate what everyone found to give.
When I was in middle school/high school my mom tried doing 12 Days of Christmas. Starting 12 days before we began opening gifts. On Christmas morning we opened stockings and any left over gifts that we might have. It was nice to enjoy gifts one at a time over the coarse of several days. Now a days we don't exchange gifts much rather we simply spend time together. If we find something for one another we tend to give gifts at random.
Lovely video, Jessica. I identify with so much of what you are saying. As a child my family always opened everything on Christmas morning (usually at 6am!!) but now as a mum I have a 4 year old who is autistic and wants to take time to enjoy each gift so we usually spread her gifts over a few days so that she enjoys the experience rather than getting stressed and overstimulated by everything. She's actually taught me a lot about how it's okay to set boundaries with extended family during holidays because I want her to feel happy and comfortable when we celebrate together (and by extension, maybe it's okay to set some in order to look after myself, too)!
In my family, we open presents on the evening on the 24th of december (hello from sweden!) after having seen the Disney/Donald Duck special they air every year on the TV. Usually we give all the gifts out, and then we go around in a "circle", open one gift at a time and show it off to the rest of the family and thank the giver. I think its a great way to do it and I will totally do it that way for the rest of my life!
Our family takes turns. The person unwrapping is the center of attention so no one misses the joy the gifts they have given created.
In Greece you open your stockings (from the baby Jesus) on Christmas morning, and your presents (from Santa/family) on New Year's Day. I love how that's more spread out, and also my family of 4 used to always sit in the living room by the tree with snacks and drinks and go round in a circle, each of us grabbing a present at random, reading the card aloud and then handing the present to the intended recipient. It took forever but really gave us time to react, celebrate and thank everyone for the presents :)
A compliment that really isn’t a compliment - A velvet knife, looks pretty but cuts deep.
i never understood the "opening presents in a rush" thing. in my family, we'd always gather around the Christmas tree with candy after the dinner and the dancing, and then, usually the oldest person present or my mother, would pick a random gift from the pile, and we'd all watch as the recipient opened it and thanked the giver if they were present. then they would pick the next present, and the turn would go around like that till the gifts were all opened. it's always such a nice cozy time and a lovely way to end the evening
We do "Oranges and Sugarlumps" on Christmas Eve 🎄✨
My family has continued the tradition for generations and I love it! You cut a square into the top of a big orange, take out the square and stuff it full of sugar cubes, you then put the orange to your lips and squeeze! The juice that comes up in sweetened by the sugarlumps and it's delicious!
We always do this while my Dad reads "Twas the night before Christmas" (leaving out words for us to chime in with!) Still makes me feel like a kid even if we have to do it over zoom now we don't live close!✨❤️
We do Chrismas eve boxes (pyjamas, book, and a sweet treat), stockings as soon as we wake up, and main presents after lunch 🥰
With my sister's husbands and kids, we all do one on Christmas eve, and then Christmas morning, we each take turns opening one gift. It makes it take longer but that's fine, and the kids get a little bit of time really "see" each present. We really like it that way.
That's what we did too growing up.
my family and i do that thing where we open presents slowly, one or two at a time! its nice to have something to look forward to throughout the day instead of just opening them all in one go at the start of the day
I hate Christmas because of selfish family that always demanded that I come visit them (they never visit me), I never got gifts that I liked, and gift giving was a parade of “look what I got you” and I had to pretend to like it because it was expensive. Now that I don’t visit them anymore, I get all the guilt trips and I still hate Christmas. Every year, Christmas time just digs up painful memories.
Strategically incompetent… that is the most brilliant way of putting it that I’ve never heard of.
I think the way my family opens presents is really lovely - we take turns and when it’s your turn you get to pick a present from the tree to give to someone else. Draws it out as you said, but also focuses it a bit more on giving rather than receiving.
for christmas presents: in my family we always go around opening presents one by one by how we are sitting until none are left. if you are the first to run out then you get to open the „family presents“ which are usually games or movies.
we actually only celebrate on christmas eve here so that means the day is quite structured by family tradition: light lunch, lunchbreak/nap, coffee with cookies and candles, then presents and by the time we are done usually walking around the block once and then dinner. which is just noodle salad.
then its just talking and calling all the rest of the family and thanking for all the presents and we watch „national lampoon‘s christmas vacation“
the next days is usually just spending time together, eating, and enjoying to spend time with family.
My family had always opened the presents one by one youngest to oldest and watch and look at each person’s presents round and round until there are no more presents! It has always been really special!
I love that you are talking about therapy! As someone who is finally accepting I need therapy and it’s ok. Thank you!
Growing up we took it in turns to open presents one by one so that we could appreciate and say thank you for each one (we also didn't have excessive piles of presents each, maybe 2-3, so it made it longer and more meaningful). I insist on doing the same with my partner today as it now feels quite unpleasant for me to be in a room with people unwrapping all at once, in quick succession 🤷🏻♀️
We have always opened one present on Christmas Eve, sometimes we would get to pick, sometimes it was picked by our parents. Now that I have my own Children, we always open pajamas on Christmas Eve and wear them to bed, as well as the day on Christmas so we can feel cozy and comfy. We also usually take a picture by the Christmas tree in our pajamas.
My family of 5 is from England, but we have lived in Canada since 1997. Since we were separated from the rest of our large family in the UK, we have had to make our own traditions.
On Christmas Eve (usually after church when we were kids), we would each unwrap a family gift (usually PJs) from our parents/siblings.
On Christmas morning, instead of tearing into the pile of gifts at the same time, we take turns from youngest to oldest (including in-laws, partners, whatever) opening one gift at a time. It gives everyone a chance to appreciate and thank the person who gifted them the present.
It has been wonderful for us, and has been our tradition for as long as I can remember -- maybe it can inspire someone else. 😊
Happy holidays!
Therapy saved my life. I'm still struggling with my PTSD, bipolar disorder, and anxiety but it is so helpful to talk to someone
I continue to be impressed by your self improvement. You worked so hard, with Claudia’s help, to improve your diet and health. Then so hard to get stronger for holding your baby. Now you’re going to therapy to work through your medical triggers. You’re such a good mom, and person :)
One of my holiday traditions is opening presents youngest to oldest, and being oldest I don’t remember being able to go first :p.
I think balance is the challenge in life. I think you tend to need some of both, whenever you pose 2 things as opposite of each other.
I agree with what you said about slowing down your “yes”s. It puts a lot of pressure on yourself if you just say yes to everything, and you are never going to be able to do it all, meaning you’ll end up letting other people down.
With 21 years of multiple chronic pain related illnesses I really had to learn that I couldn’t pace less at the holidays but had to pave more. These past 2 years we’ve had our wonderful dog that we adopted and so gradually pulling a toy or a treat out of his stocking so he has different stuff throughout the day and isn’t in a frenzy of stuff all at once had been lovely to watch 🐕🐕 And I’ve also learned these past 2 years that I need to stop and rest on the couch the moment my pain and fatigue start getting a bit worse instead of “pushing through” to try and finish opening things or sit through breakfast if I can’t for fear of somehow “ruining” the celebration for others even though my parents want me to participate when I feel up to it and can truly enjoy it instead of pushing too hard in the morning and then crashing for sleep for the rest of the day. So, now I talk with my parents a lot more around stockings being opened and pause before jumping into other presents. I also do NOT get up and hand things ‘round to people as I did as a kid because with my chronic pain and chronic fatigue that will just wear me out faster. But I DO take photos from the couch when I feel up to it and when I can’t stand to take close ups of the tree, I’ve learned to ask my family to do that for me instead of feeling like I HAVE to be the one getting pictures of the decorations. This year I couldn’t participate in decorating the tree at all but my family did such a wonderful job and it was so beautiful to wake up to it being fully decorated and made me smile SO much that I didn’t feel like I was missing out as I was afraid I might feel in years past, although I do sit on the couch and help unwrap ornaments and hand them up to people and laugh and talk with my family as the tree is decorated when my health permits or last year I couldn’t participate but they saved my favorite 12 ornaments for me to hang up on my own (a few at a time over a 3 day period) and that also helped preserve what little energy I have but still made me feel involved and was lovely! 🎄🎄 So, I just try to adjust and do things here and there if I can but DON’T push myself if it will be too much for me. And as for presents, these past 2 years, I deliberately took a break and stretched my back out on the couch when I got a pain spike and used essential oils and still talked with my family and pet my dog and took pictures of him chewing on his first new toy and that was another lovely way to be included but without overtaxing my system too much. Then later, when I felt more clear-headed and like my back and hips could sit up again, I was able to have delicious homemade waffles with my family for Christmas breakfast and then open my last few presents without being too tired to see straight so I could really enjoy the experience and the awesome gifts my sweet cousins got me for some of my favorite fandoms. Then I rested on the couch some more as we watched a new mystery series we got for Christmas and waited until I had some energy to talk and text with family instead of trying to do it all in the morning and that really helped me a lot! Going slower with the presents definitely allows more care to be taken with each thing and is easier on my body with chronic pain. 3 Christmases ago I was just out of hospital for seizures, so it’s been a rough go of it, so to have these last 2 Christmases be days where I could stay up and enjoy time with my family instead of having to collapse in bed for hours from chronic pain and chronic fatigue and have our sweet doggo at my side just really made everything extra special without wiping me out as much and then I still took some extra resting time days afterwards so my slump wasn’t nearly as bad :) I think accepting less social invites when the world opens up more so you can have a better chance of showing up with energy to be your extroverted self is a great idea, Jessica! It’s hard to get to that point or recognizing that this needs to change when you like people around you but I did the same thing and realized it was much better for my body and my time with friends of I did less things do I could be fully present with my friends for the things I did get to do, which was a much better balance for me! But I also understand the guilt that can come with saying “no” to something when you have energy in that moment to do said thing but you know the toll it will take on your body will be too much afterwards. Some things are worth and some really aren’t, but it definitely takes practice figuring out that balancing act :) I also think finding that balance between too selfless and too selfish is very hard but very necessary. Turning away from societal pressures to have the “perfect” Christmas (which doesn’t exist outside of movies anyway) and figuring out what traditions worked for me and what traditions I had to let go of because they were too taxing for my health really helped a lot! You can find perfect moments in any day, holiday or not, but no day is “picture postcard perfect” so it makes no sense to put extra pressure on ourselves to keep up with the Jones and trying to run ourselves ragged for a “perfect Instagram Christmas”. That’s just not reality and not where our energy can be best served IMO. Finding that balance of taking time for ourselves and doing things for and with others you genuinely care for and enjoying being around WITHOUT running yourself ragged is definitely the better way to go and in my experience, it makes my flares after the holidays much less severe than the ones where I push, push, push even when the cold weather arrives and my joints are absolutely in need of a break. Now I listen to my body’s whispers before they become screams and stop to rest much faster, and remembering to do that extra rather than less around the holidays helps so much! ✨✨ Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 🎆🎆And I hope all five of you were able to enjoy Rupert’s First Christmas! 🎉🎄🎁🎄🎉
"It's completely valid. Does it feel that way? No." Basically my response to every single self-help concept I come across lol.
We generally pick out one present off the stack, watch as the person whose name was on it opens it, and then they pick out another present from the stack to give to the next person and so on. That way everyone is involved in everyone's presents and I've always thought it was much nicer than just everyone running in and focussing only on their own gifts
I have two older siblings, and our tradition on xmas was to wake up as early as possible, then distribute the gifts under the tree into piles of who would receive the gifts. Then, we would just chill and talk til our parents woke up, then we would each take turns opening gifts, thanking who gave the gift, etc. Then we would hang out while our father made pancakes or crepes, and then we would eat.
I'm honestly quite grateful that I was raised without the whole Santa charade, because xmas was just a time when everyone gave some gifts to everyone, not one person distributing things to everyone, and I really appreciate that that was the approach my parents went with.
We've been doing a minimalist Christmas celebration for the past few years. We are assigned one person to gift a book to, and we bring a dip and dippers to the party. Last year we did a video chat version. Christmas morning we open stockings and gifts to/from our parents and partners.
my family always took turns opening gifts from youngest to oldest, it really makes everything more meaningful and everyone gets to see each others gifts
When you spoke of your need for Christmas to involve lots of people because that's what your memories of Christmas as a child were, it really hit home for me. I always kill myself by going all out for my annual Christmas party, and the more the merrier when it comes to my guestlist (despite my very limited space!)... and I realize I'm trying to recreate those happy, (rose-coloured glasses) childhood holiday feelings. I've never stopped to think about the 'why' before, and this was most enlightening.
Years ago I saw a FB post about a gift on Christmas Eve. You get new pajamas, popcorn, a DVD, hot cocoa. Everyone opens it, puts on their jammies. We have our popcorn and hot cocoa and watch the dvd. I LOVE it. We do it every year. It gives us the opportunity to have a nice night together as a family.
cancelling things before you actually feel ill because said things will make you feel ill is so hard to get to grips with!! a friend asked me to man her stall at a christmas market this weekend and I said yes, despite having been really ill recently and worrying that standing outside in the cold for 5+ hours would really not be good for me... thankfully she's gotten the time off work so she can be at the stall herself and I can just pop along to help, but I was really getting anxious about the prospect of doing it by myself and wishing that I'd said no in the first place! boundaries are so hard, especially for all of us who a) 'don't look ill', and b) have anxious dispositions anyway lol
Our Christmas tradition was that we recorded our family (just my parents, my sibling, and me) opening our presents, always starting out with "What day is it today?" The first year we had to spend Christmas in two separate groups, I sent a video just doing that opening bit with my sibling to my dad. I always thought it was a way for our parents to cherish our growth into adulthood.
The other tradition is the Christmas pickle lol whoever finds the pickle ornament first on xmas day gets to open the first present.
This is painfully relatable to me. I struggle to be with my family, and during christmas, rather than meeting with them maybe once a month, there is actual christmas, christmas get togethers, and four birthdays. It's so much, that I am going to have to start to say no, but my family doesn't really understand that, which can be immensely painful for me.
I don’t know if this is an international thing or just a Swedish one, but in my family we write a short, rhyming note with each present, hinting at what’s inside. The person who is gifting reads the rhyme before giving away the present. That really slows down the gift opening and makes it really meaningful!
my cuban american family celebrates on noche buena, christmas eve. going from cousins house to aunt's house to friend's party, eating and drinking and dancing. once we get home, we all open 1 present from our stash, and then in the morning, my main family gets together, has breakfast, opens all the rest of the gifts, and hangs out all day. last year and this year is a lot more subdued, a lot more done over video chatting, but essentially the same process. visit with loved ones, eat good food, give gifts.
I think those of us with chronic illness learn to pace ourselves and let go of some of the pressure and expectations we lived with before our illness forced us to slow down. At least, that has been my experience. It becomes easier for us to sit down, take a break, put something off or turn a blind eye, or even decide something really isn't that important after all. I think it's harder for those without our disabilities to mentally make that switch. They are always go, go, go.. To the point of burning out, just because they can.
It's the only silver lining I can see really to having a chronic illness. It forces you to slow down, appreciate, smell the roses, prioritize, and let the little things go.
As an introvert, I emphasize with Claudia being able to tolerate people for a short period of time. I am incredibly drained by holidays and I am looking forward to them being over rather than enjoying them. There's a life lesson in there somewhere for me.
I usually open presents on Solstice with my best friend (over the phone) and then Christmas day with my Mom (again over the phone, because traveling is expensive and I have an elderly rabbit). It has become a tradition in the last five years to break up the season like this. This year I am hoping to start another tradition with a friend who lives near by! We plan to have dinner with each other and just hang out! I use to believe that you had to physically have the people you love and care about with you on Christmas day. However, I live alone and have friends in the city I live and I see them throughout December. This, I feel makes the whole month special, instead of just one day
My family comes from a Chinese background, so even though Christmas isn't our religion, I feel like for our family it is an excuse for presents and another large family gathering. We usually open presents in a rush, as all of them are the same so people don't feel left out. I remember the feeling of giving out christmas presents to people who really deserve it, but don't get the credit and the feeling of them saying thank you makes your day and puts a smile on your face. A very happy birthday to your son, and a soon to be happy christmas!
My mom's Christmas tradition growing up was to have the stockings hung at the ends of the kid's beds. When you woke up, you were allowed to open it right away. This tided the kids over until a reasonable time in the morning that my Grandma would set up ahead of time (usually 7 or 8 am). This way no one who wanted to sleep in got disturbed by an over excited kid. My mom kept a similar thing for my sister and I. We could open our stockings before the other one woke up, but not the rest of the presents. My sister is a morning person and I am not so I always appreciated this. My mom would also use this time to make muffins or something in the oven that would be baking while we opened presents. So the house would smell great and we would have fresh baked breakfast when we finished opening our gifts.
P.S. I do want to add that like as a kid, you know the reason for the tradition is to let your parents sleep, opening your stocking by yourself or while whispering to your sibling at 6am does feel pretty magical and special.
So very relatable. I've always had this deep guilt everytime I say no to going out because I either feel sick in that moment, or I know if I go I will feel worse. It's especially hard when people think you're just flaky it hurts 😕 I guess we all need to be gentler to each other and to ourselves.
So my other reaction to this video about the medical staff holding down your son for injections: he doesn’t have to be held down. He needs to be sat on your lap and distracted with something like bubbles or toys and mom before his injections. I have medical trauma from being held down and given injections as a child and am a very big advocate of NOT allowing a child to be held down against their will. If it’s that distressing to the child it needs to be handled better by the medical staff. If you are panicking it might be better to have someone else take him for his actual injections but do not not let them hold him down. I have had panic at vaccination appts when I was younger for my cat ages ago. I have improved but I still have terrible medical trauma and fully get it. Sending you big hugs for that terrible experience.
Please don't feel guilty about taking to your child about these issues. It's so important for your child to learn these things so as they grow up they they have a tool kit ready to use when they are confronted by these issues. You both are doing amazing x x x
I love that you mention that doing housework is also work than working outside.
I am a mix of Claudia and you, loving seeing people, but not too many and not too many hours.
On the subject of slowly opening presents, in my family I (the younger sibling) have always been the one who gave everyone the gifts to open from under the tree. I would always try to give everyone a gift to open in turn so that one person wasn’t opening a bunch at a time. And we always sit and watch whoever is opening and my dad takes pictures and we talk about the item. It’s really pleasant and I feel like it lets us connect over the giving
For my family we gather the presents and sort through them so everyone has a pile of presents and we go around opening one at a time so the spotlight is on one person for a moment until everyone has opened all the presents. This more started so my mom could get pictures of everyone opening each present without missing something. But now it’s something we all really enjoy. Merry Christmas.
The earliest clear Christmas memories I have are of sitting next to my dad while he played carols on the piano, helping Mom decorate the tree and bake cookies, and the year I got mad that there was nothing in my parents stockings and decided I should fill them myself...
After being disabled for 12 years now.. I’ve finally recently realized that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s a priority that you do for the ones you love. When you’re taken care of they worry less and you can give your limited time and energy to your loved ones. Happy Holidays everyone!! 💜💜🎄
For me, Christmas is about curtailing. Curtailing the amount of social events I attend, curtailing the amount of dishes "needed" for Christmas, curtailing how many people I buy gifts for or send cards to etc etc. When it comes to these things I have very firm boundaries that I gently enforce, one of which is that people don't require an explanation other than, I am sorry, but I can't go to/do/give xyz.
One thing I've noticed as I've gone through life is that people often feel entitled to inform you on how much you should be spending, whethers it's spoons, time, money what have you.
We always open presents Christmas morning, but when my grandmother was alive she sent each of my siblings and I an ornament every year. We each had a theme (angels, santas, or wood) and got to open them Christmas Eve. It was a really special tradition, getting to open it before everything else and put it on the trees, as well as unwrapping the whole collection each year. My mom hopes to do it with our kids.
We write poems and stick them on the gifts. They kan be about the gift or about the person, funny or sweet, super short or multiple pages long, but it’s a great way to slow down the unwrapping, because every poem is read out loud before you open the present
My family always does one present at a time with one person “playing Santa” and passing them out on Christmas morning. And it really does make the fun last longer, plus when you get someone a really great present you don’t risk missing watching them open it, which is always one of the best parts of gift giving, seeing the delight.
In our family, a single member would open one present at a time and everyone would pay attention to that person and what they received. I found this to be very enjoyable because you saw what they got and also talked a little about each gift. As an added bonus, it very much extended the time we were all together. I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe and healthy Christmas. 🎄🎁👩❤️👩
My mother's birthday was yesterday and my aunt (her sister) gave her one of the best gifts I could think of. It was a cut off from a rose bush my grandfather gave her and my uncle when they first bought their house together. It's still growing strong and is the most amazing dusty pink colour. We lost my grandfather almost 5 years ago so the rose was extremely special to her, gifts aren't about being massive or expensive, they're supposed to be useful or meaningful. Have a great day
I'm a fan of one at a time present opening. That can mean one person opens all their gifts or one person hands out the gifts they brought for everyone else to open, but one person at a time is opening the gifts. I really want to enjoy the whole process.
Happy birthday, Claudia! I hope you get lots of introvert time for Christmas and don’t spend it all doing chores.
And Jessica, I hope the therapy helps. Are you working on the agoraphobia, too? I’ve had some bad bouts of that because of my panic disorder, and it’s really rough. I wish you well. 🎀🎀🎀
In my family’s tradition one person opens a gift at a time (the gifts are brought out from the tree and handed out one by one by the youngest child). And someone in the family (normally an aunt) writes a list for each person of what they got and who it was from. This list is then given out to the individual afterwards to help them write thank you notes later.
I LOVE Christmas, especially the hustle and bustle and prepping etc. Buuuuttttt I do it gradually bc limits.
My thing is that I always love spoiling people at Christmas and getting thoughtful gifts.
So over the years I've got good at subtly getting excellent presents for people bc I cheat - I have a note in my phone which lists everyone's interests, colour preferences, aesthetics, "laughed at this thing" etc. It's a game changer. If you have someone hard to buy for, take them shopping, write notes, take pics, go to a cafe and this opens up a whole world of preferences (coffee lover? Lemon drizzle or choc cake person?)
This year, however, I have a new phone and my notes are in my old phone which barely works. I can't tell you how much I've struggled and I was like "oh shit this is what it's like for everyone else". I am EXHAUSTED mentally; there's so many micro decisions to make?
So really, I implore you to cheat, for your sanity.
I struggle with this every year! So glad you’ve talked on it. I think people think i’m a bit of a Christmas Scrooge but I really can’t do a whole month of festivities. Christmas eve, day and boxing day is hard enough!!! Thats three days in a row jesus!
Woah Jessica. Are you my brain twin?? Personally, I have a very big problem with putting everyone else before me all the time, but especially so during this time of year. I'm recovering from a major surgery and I'm finding my anxiety is skyrocketing. And I think not having the energy to do everything I usually do is fueling that. Thank goodness for my therapist. I hope you hang in there, Jessica! I'm sending you a virtual hug.
My family does gifts slowly every year because we all agree that's more enjoyable. We go one at a time on Christmas, plus usually one each on Christmas Eve, and one each on the Solstice (often something practical for winter like a blanket). We've also gotten more and more into advent calendars over the years. Lots of little things spread out over time!
We sometimes did the one present on Christmas Eve thing, usually something small but nice (except if the parents got something large in size so they didn't have to haul it to grandma's house!).
Then on Christmas, someone young would be the Christmas elf and pass around presents one at a time, youngest to oldest then repeat. Even got a hat with elf ears and everything. It's definitely nicer than a furious opening frenzy
Oh! We also did a stocking with puzzles/books and the biggest apple and orange they could find, sometimes that was the Christmas Eve thing.
(Ps. Family is swedish/Norwegian)
Haha, it's funny how common the Christmas elf thing is, and it's always the youngest, or one of the youngest. 😅
When we'd open gifts at my house my mom would play Santa and direct the chosen elf (which was always me, unless my niece and nephew were there) to hand out gifts in a specific order. We'd hand out a round of presents and then take turns. I always tried waiting until last every round because I hate receiving gifts and I hate when everyone watches me while I open them. 😂😂
We also did the one present on Christmas Eve but that was only when my brother and I were like, 10 and under.
We always had Christmas as just immediate family, and a big Christmas sounds horrible. Extended family gatherings come across from the outside as more about appearance than meaningful time together, but we aren't close with our extended family.
For presents, my brother and I got to open one on Christmas Eve, and my parents would leave out unwrapped Santa presents overnight. We'd obviously get those right away in the morning cause we see them, but presents were opened one at a time with focus on what everyone got with each one. We also had certain things we got every year like a specific type of stocking stuffer, or I remember getting one of those horse-stick toys every year.
My family we always open presents from each other the night of the 24th. We sing carols, eat cookies, chat, and then at the end of the night we each take turns opening one present at a time until all the gifts are unwrapped. That way everyone can pause and appreciate the gift someone is giving/receiving. Christmas morning is for our stockings from Santa and a free for all since we all wake up at different times. :D
We open presents slowly for my kids and it works great. They open a present and they want to play with it so we go ahead and let them. It typically takes us all day or even two days to open all of their presents. It’s nice though and I feel like they really appreciate what they get and it’s way less overstimulating. Have a Happy Christmas!
This is the first xmasy video I haven’t felt uncomfortable watching, but actually safe and understood. December is hard for a lot of reasons.
We always spend the actual Christmas just with immediate family and get together with extended family between Christmas and New Year.
Also, as regards presents, we take turns opening them; my parents usually make jokey guesses (like guessing it's skis when it's clearly a CD), the present is opened and the person takes it in, everyone admires it for a bit, maybe the buyer explains why they got it, etc. And then we go round until all the presents are opened. It's very nice and makes every present feel meaningful.
In my country it's custom to open presents on the evening of the 24th but we open them around lunch time because our dogs know they'll also get presents and we can't keep them out of the present pile forever lol