COMPLEX TRAUMA (CPTSD) AND CRYING
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ต.ค. 2024
- FREE CHECKLIST: DO I HAVE NARCISSISTIC AND/OR BORDERLINE PARENTS?
drkimsage.thin....
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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
Guided journal to help direct healing from childhood coming soon!
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Please visit my website www.drkimsage.com to obtain info on fees, treatment, resources, etc!
Thank you so very much, and I wish you love and healing on your journey.:)
Before you started I was thinking to myself that she would tell me me off then I'd cry, and she would say "I'll give you something to cry about". But also one of my biggest trauma comes from being told "I made you, I'll break you". I can't ever imagine uttering those words to a child, a human I created!
The "I'll give you a reason to cry" apparently my brain tried to throw in the trash cause I read your comment and it flashed threw my brain. Guess I stuffed it down far enough I almost forgot those words being said to me.
@@kendracrippen 😔 I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. It hurts.
Yeah, this one hit home...crying was never accepted for me, if I got frustrated at home and started crying, the only acceptable answer was, "I'm just tired," because the parents didn't want to deal with whatever I was unhappy about, especially if they caused it. I lost count of how many nights I cried myself to sleep and had to lie about puffy eyes in the morning. I did have a therapist once that pointed out I cried when I was angry, and I hadn't really noticed before. And recently I got news I'd gotten rejected for a job I'd worked hard to get; I was fine for two days, then on day three I got up and shortly after started sobbing for at least 45 minutes; couldn't stop. I figured it was old stuff, all those old rejections and hurts coming back. Or something. Anyway, thank you for these videos, I do appreciate them. I'm glad you're so supportive of seeing your kids off, even though it's hard; one year when I was going back to college, I was excited, and BPD mom got mad at me for being too excited. :>(
Thank you for sharing your insights and experience - I can relate to "I'm just tired," - it shuts down further discussion but is often a cover up for our pain. I am sorry you weren't supported in your excitement - you deserved it:)
I see you ❤️ You're amazing. I can relate to this too. I was told I was always too sensitive and to pull myself together. Was told abuse was something I asked for. Kept to myself a lot. I was excited to switch my university program to study psychology in a Bachelor of Arts program. She proclaimed in public I'd be painting school busses for a living because of that. I've been undoing the damage my entire adult life, so I totally get you. We both deserved support and excitement from those close to us. I'm happy you made that choice for yourself.
I am so proud of you. Omg. 4 children by yourself? I'm raising one on my own and it has been hard. And you got your PhD in Clinical Psych? That's seriously Impressive!! You inspire me.
Thank you so much - it's been quite the journey!! :)
Dr. Kim, great video and I'm so glad I found and subscribed to you channel. However, as trauma survivor and therapist, I disagree with the statement that "only you can determine what's right for your family". That is exactly how abuse and toxicity happens. Parents do what they want instead of using the wisdom of child psychology advice. Parents should not guess at what is right. They should seek out solid advice based on the research and the general consensus among child psychologists.
Fair play to you kim thats a very admirable journey youve taken on.
When my Dad died I was just 23 years old and at the funeral my Mom sat next to me along with my husband at the time. As tears rolled down my eyes she turned to me and stated that she would have me removed from the funeral if I didn’t stop crying. I couldn’t shed a tear for a decade after that trauma and still find it difficult to cry. Crying is a very interesting topic and I thank you for covering this subject.
So sorry. I should have been crying at my dad's funeral. when I woke up to reality I've been crying and upset. I believed the wrong parent. Lord have mercy.
That's awful! Sorry you experienced that .
After my husband died, I attended our hospital's excellent Bereavement Class.
One woman there couldn't and wouldn't cry. Her husband had berated her so, and for too long.
I hope she managed to mourn her own imminent death. In, preparation for a more peaceful transition.
I'm sorry. My mom removed all my dad's pictures and refused to talk about his death
Crying has always ashamed me so much. This video helps me understand. Thank you.
I'm a biological human male and I cry almost every day and I don't feel shame at all. I'm also struggling with cptsd, ED, OCD and I'm a level 2 autistic person undiagnosed during childhood. Yes, I'm a mess.
Sending support and healing to you, thank you so much for being here.
❤❤❤.
I've always been an emotional person. As a child I was mocked not only by the adults but also by my siblings and cousins. I was the family joke.
The grief of what my own children have gone through as a result of my trauma along with my grief of what childhood I should have had but wasn't given is really difficult to process
I was bullied at school during high school especially, and I would come home and cry. My mom actually started mocking me: "Oh, she's crying again! BOO-HOO-HOO!" super dramatically, raising her voice and rolling her eyes
Thank you, you're so right about everything. Its so true. I been said growing up as child that if i wanna cry i will give you as reason to cry by my dad. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love.I am a 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I am a scapegoat child. I always been the black sheep in my family. I am still going through the healing. I know my worth and values. My peace come from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers.
This is such an interesting topic, a lot to think about. I grew up with a significantly mentally ill mom, and when I was a very small child she lost her two youngest brothers in a horrific tragedy, and her dad not long after. I grew up just absolutely overwhelmed with her grief and crying, and learned to shut that off in myself. My son is twenty years old now, and that's been so tricky, trying to make sure I haven't overwhelmed him with my emotions like my mom did to me, but also hopefully not raising him with the attitude that it's not okay to cry. The parenting, it is HARD.
I’m crying along with you because I have the same feeling with regard to my 2 sons. I wish I could go back and undo the traumas that I feel I’ve brought to their young lives by instigating divorce and causing instability. By my choosing the wrong person to co-parent with. I have to live with the regret, shame, the knowledge that I have essentially repeated the cycle of my own parents broken relationship and my father’s before that. That all my healing was still not enough to prevent them experiencing the same trauma. That I didn’t know myself better before bringing them into the world. I will just always feel not enough for them. I feel I have let them and myself down. I wish I could take what I’ve learnt over the past 16 years and start again.
im a serial cryer' something so small can become so huge to me that i cry spongebob tears' really loving your videos' im 5 years into my heaing journey' people like you are so important to help people like us overcome and understand why we behave and act the way we do' sending love and gratitude
Oh, this was SO good! My husband is diabetic and we've found that the best endocrinologists are the ones who HAVE diabetes because they really understand the symptoms and the tolls things take on a diabetic. That's how I feel about you! You really GET IT! I think being understood is one of the things we (CPTSDs) need and don't get enough of in our lives. Good luck with your kids. My biggest regret in life is that I raised my voice at my poor mother and my amazing children.
Neat - I too raised 4 kids entirely on my own while caregiving my severely disabled, schizoid father until his death last year (13 care-giving years for him, total). My mother was psychotic when I was growing up (ritual abuse) and still exhibits pretty crazy behaviors even in her 70's. I basically began running away at the age of 5 and mostly lived in the woods or the park for safety. However, I'm very INTJ and an academic (degrees in math/physics, psychology and family law) and have always 'thought' my way through everything. I do feel, but it's very internal and I'm not a cryer. I was extremely sensitive as a kid and still am to this day. Just not sure any amount of therapy will truly help. But, I really do love the life I've built and my kids are amazing. Thanks for these videos, it's nice to hear things that affirm my internal experience sometimes.
2:35 the regret from the unintentional damage I’ve done to my daughter is overwhelming. Thank you for this video.
Strange timing. As I've been balling my eyes out for 4 days straight, from triggers causing old childhood trauma to come up.
Even though it doesn't like it in the moment, it's a good thing. Good to know! Thanks for this video :)
Sending you support in your healing:)
To heal the pain you must feel it. It's liberating...
Someone told me after my dad passed that it's all over but the crying and I lose. I had no idea but soon later I realized and started weeping as my whole life with my dad flashed before my eyes. Broken and woke up to reality since 2010. Complicated Grief. Horror. Parental alienation due to mental illness. Someone told me my dad was in a better place. I pray he is with God. Bad things happen to good people. I heard a priest say that since Adam and Eve we live in a world of no harmony. Found out the hard way. I hope in the next life this will be made understandable.
I love your energy and your desire to help others is an amazing gift! Thank you!
You are truly a role model for me and I’m sure countless others. NO PRESSURE! I just really look up to you in so many ways. Thank you for including us ❤
I had a bout of angry crying earlier today. My shadow self came out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, and was very self deprecating. The dark cloud has been hovering all day but I assured my child self she is loved and the Sun is still up there. 😊
Thank you for posting about this and being vulnerable. I know exactly what you mean when you said you're grieving what you could have done differently in your parenting as I feel that will come up for me when my son leaves as it already comes up for me often. Since I've become more aware and coming to terms with my own CPTSD I am now hyper observant of every single thing I say or do with my son. I cry every single time I tell my councillor "I don't want my child to go through what I'm going through now with self hatred and constantly second guessing myself.. I want him to be better than me" it makes me cry so hard to say those words. Growing up I was not allowed to cry so now as a 40 year old single mother of 1 child I still cannot cry when I'm hurt, I do lash out in anger but only around those I feel comfortable with. I usually fawn in public or with strangers and lash out in anger with those close. I only cry when I try to speak about my childhood with professionals. The thing is I don't have really any memories of my childhood or teenage years at all, which professionals find a bit odd to not have any memories. All I remember is my dad saying "you better button your lip and stop crying or I will give you something to cry about"
Thanks Kim . I learn a lot about my own life through your sharing 🎉
Yes, the timing!) I've recently listened to Pete Walker's book and specifically noticed that crying has an important part in healing... And I've also noticed that sometimes I want to cry a little bit when I feel overwhelmed. Thank you, Dr Sage, for this video. I find it embarrassing to cry in front of other ppl, even if it's my own loving husband. I feel that it's a weakness that I must hide at all cost... But now I'm gonna be more compassionate about it with myself...
I’m 35 years old, and I have never wailed. I have a lot of trauma surrounding crying. I was shamed for crying during times of sadness, grief, loss; punished for NOT crying during physical abuse (“oh, you must want some more”), and had crying weaponized against me as a means of manipulation. I didn’t realize, until today, that there is a reason I have always cried quietly and thought that it was strange, and even “fake” for people to cry loudly and openly.
This was 😢me the entire message I too am sending my child off right now and it is rough!!! Thank you for this post.
I literally can't cry. I try and try but I only can when I've completely lost control. It's awful. My mom is an asshole.
In the middle of my self healing journey I lost my Dad to cancer. All the childhood trauma and sadness came out in tears and i feel so much less physical pain now. The wailing is definitely true when childhood trauma is released. Its almost like screaming but through tears flowing. Very healing.
As a child, I'd cry because no one was there or they had just left me by myself. I'd go hide and cry for several minutes until I finally stopped. Now, I won't cry in front of anyone. I won't even cry in front of my therapist. But I do cry when I'm by myself.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about crying especially when you said,
"Crying awakens our developmentally arrested kind of like stunted or broken sense of self-compassion and that when an attitude of self-compassion becomes habitual more and more honoring of who we are and our wounds and our story it can instantly be the antidote to the self-abandonment that often goes with emotional flashbacks."
I have been meditating, recalling the rejections I got as a child from my parents, sibling, classmates, and teachers at a self-development workshop. I had difficulty stopping my sobbing during a visualization exercise. I peeked and looked around at the people around me. Their eyes widened as they saw and heard me crying. I felt it was a necessary cry to unleash my emotional pains throughout my childhood. I finally made contact with my rejected inner child. I envisioned hugging him tightly as he cried on my shoulder. This was a good start on my journey to recovery.
During my childhood and early teen years, the torture years, and then into my early adulthood I never cried. I had constructed a huge defensive wall between my emotions and the outside world and me. My only emotions were rage and anger and they were far too easy to access. Now in my 60's I sob at everything and fear when my suppressed emotions will break through.
I do cry but rarely if I do I tend to bottle it up or cry away from other people I don’t know why exactly I feel shame and embarrassment around crying in front of people.
Kitty❤ I cry to relieve stress. There is an initial feeling that I need to contain my emotions, but I've learned to ignore that.
You are so brave and model being whole and human. Thank you for your kind heart, for sharing your knowledge, and leading by example. Grateful for this community you have created! ♥️🙏🏼
My dad used to always say if you're gonna cry I'll give you something to cry about. Other times I would just get yelled at and told to shut off the water works.
This was really good and you're an amazing parent to take you child to college and be emotional about it. It shows how much you love them. 🥰 My parents on the other hand refused to take me to college to help me move into my dorm. They just happened to be visiting my grandma 90 minutes away from my college and still refused to help. Then they refused to let me visit over winter break when the dorms closed, so I ended up living out of my car for 5 weeks. 🤦♀ For obvious reasons, college is a touchy subject for me. LOL To this day, my dad tells everyone that he wiped his hands of me when I turned 18 because he was no longer legally responsible for my well being. 🙄 To bring this back to the crying topic, that 1st year in college, I had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown in my dorm room because it was the 1st time in my life it was safe to actually cry and my teenage body couldn't hold it in anymore. It didn't help my grades that year, but my body said "enough!" and purged itself. 😬
I am so sorry you had to endure that lovey...you deserved full support and help.
I have four children too, hard work! Greetings from Venice,where we visit biennale with all children. 💚
Greetings back! I love Venice - so beautiful!!!
Omg! Distracted! Your kitty is ADORABLE! Pets have been so helpful in my journey with Cptsd to loop it back in ;)
I’m a 45yo woman and have had maybe 5-6 HUGE cries in my life. Inbetween I never cry. I just hold it in until I burst completely.
Same here
@@andi.grke00 ❤️
Very interesting. As a person with CPTSD I have found if I cry instead of feeling better I end up feeling very low for a number of days afterwards. I wonder if it's because my abuser was my mother. There was never any afferction nor comfort even when she wasn't abusing me and my sister. We were there to serve her.
My beloved dog and companion died a month ago.i wailed and for first time i didn't care who heard me....relief
Way To Honor Your Sadness Over Your Son Moving Into A New Stage Toward Adulthood...!✊ Being Someone Who Really Feels ALL My Emotions Very Deeply - CRYING Can Just SUCK & I Can Really Fall In A Hole With It ...But It's Also Very CLEANSING...Thank🙏God For Being Able To FEEL The FULL Range Of Emotions! My Crying - Especially Recently - Is Pretty Much Related To "Old Grief"... Of ALL Kinds - That Keeps Re-Emerging....😕☹️🥺😥😭 Thanks For Your Videos! One Of My Relations Was A PhD Also - He Doesn't Display HALF The Compassion That You Do...😳
Pete's book is a remarkable treasure trove of healing information. Thank You for sharing your whole self with us. It is really wonderful to see your
3- D Humanity in full bloom.
As young boy, before age 12, I was severely tormented and terrorized
by several Biological family members and neighbors for crying. So I shut off and dissociated from the horrendous ecology around me in the mid 70s.
Thank goodness for my 20 years of Al-Anon and 8 year of therapy.
The real healing came when I committed to a year of Trauma Informed Therapy in 2021. My former therapist left the field, but was so gentle loving and kind to me on my healing journey though Traumatic Experiences. I will always be grateful to her.
One love Dr Kim.
You are an AWESOME humane being with a calming voice and a kind heart.
You have been a nonjudgmental healing influence in my live too.
Be Well. Kiss Coco for me. 🙂
My children are 12 and 13 years old and I have only cried in front of them on two different occasions. This video is frighteningly enlightening.
Dr. Kim, thank you so much for this video. I'm so glad I found your channel and subscribed. However, as a trauma survivor and therapist, I disagree with the statement "only you can determine what's appropriate for your family". The best way for parents to determine what's appropriate is to act in a way that is advocated and supported by clinical research and child psychology.
Parents shouldn't just guess at the best thing to do in certain situations when there is so much research out there on how the things parents do can positively or negatively affect children. I feel like some therapists have a hard time telling parents there is a right and a wrong way, a healthy way and an unhealthy way, to do certain things. But refraining from this only hurts the child(ren). Again, research and child psychology indicate what practices are best for taking care of the emotional world of children.
Furthermore, parents determining what is appropriate for their family is how a lot of unintentional abuse, neglect, trauma, and dysfunction happens. I've seen this firsthand.
This one had me in tears. My son is the last to leave the nest and I had no idea how that emotionally would affect me. I woke up feeling sad and didn’t know why. Then I opened my TH-cam to this exact video. Kind of affirming my sadness. Thank you so much.
Unbelievable sobbing.
I have been triggered and retraumatised sp I cried for hours and it helped. Yes, I cried about my childhood and current abuse. It has helped so much.
I can never cry. I so wish I could get the release.
I can’t cry when “normal” people would at situations where it’s appropriate for people to cry.
Death, funerals, sad news, any event where it’s normal to cry, I do not.
I tear up watching certain TV commercials that tear at the heartstrings, but in my real life. Nope.
You’re amazing, thank you so incredibly much 🙏🏼 you should be proud of yourself as a mom. I feel just like you (go figure). We really do need to give ourselves grace, right? Im so thankful I found your channel!
So kind and yes we do need to give ourselves grace! Thank you so much for being here!":)
Wow! I just received a lot of clarification and ideas on parts of my history and consequential present day behaviors to explore and look at more closely. I am a 64 year old Woman and have been in and out of therapy since my early 20s (with a lot of hard work and success) and I realise this will be a lifelong journey for me. My most recent endeavor is to try to understand my Mothers part in my history. This part of my childhood/history seems to have been put on the back burner or to a minimized status so to speak because of dealing with the healing from daily sexual abuse by the Father. Long story short, I feel I have gained enough ensight and healing to finally look at the part she played more closely. What I am trying to say is Thank you for giving me direction I have been having a hard time finding. I have and continue to do a lot of self help and ongoing self motivated healing so my direction is not always so easily identifiable in what I may need to look at next. I appreciate your authenticity and genuine feeling for what you are doing. It is obvious to me you truly care about what you are doing and offering folks on this forum. Thank you again for what you do and your energy you put into it.
You did your job as a parent and you did it well. Congratulations to both him and you. You've launched him and I'm sure he'll fly straight. Tears of joy for you both.
Thank you so much! They are tears of joy too!:)
It is hard to let go of our children. As a mother, you carry them inside for 9 mos & the bonding starts, then one day they leave the nest.....no 9 mos to prepare them leaving. I have a prodigal daughter (38 yrs) only child who married a narc. I haven't seen my daughter or grandchildren in 5 yrs. I went thru a tough childhood (1 0f 6 children)......trying to deal with CPTSD, raising my daughter alone & then dealing with cancer treatments alone. I've gone no contact w siblings prior to my daughter getting married, then my cancer diagnosis. Dealing with abandonment issues is tough enough, but when you're dealing w cancer treatments alone is rough. I mail bday cards to my daughter & grandchildren. My daughter & I were VERY close. Her narc husband didn't like the closeness of my daughter & I. I have been in therapy for yrs, but these videos have really brought me understanding & some closure. Both my parents are deceased. My mother has been gone over 20 yrs. I still have not grieved her passing. My dad passed 5 yrs ago at 90 yrs old. He was a wonderful father working 2 jobs. Now I know why he worked so much....not to just feed 6 children, but to be away from our mother. Thank you Dr. Sage for being so open about your emotions. I think having a therapist who has "lived" what we are dealing with, knows first hand how to help us and be compassionate. I am very sensitive to noise, crowds & being over sensitive to many things. I cry when I see the ASPCA commercials on tv for dogs. 😢 Thank you Dr. Sage for being so real. God Bless!! One day at a time. 👣 😊 🙏
You seem to be a very highly sensitive person. I am and cry almost every day
Wow!! Last week my friend that liked more than a friend rejected me. Out of no where I cried so bad. Then i was laughing and crying at the same time. It was crazy!! Then he just let me cry on him. The emotions that came out of my body where.. it felt so strong.
I just wish he didn’t see me like that.
After i left my sociopathic narc i cried upon waking for hours for 10 yrs...
I guess i had alot to shed
I am breaking free of long term narcissist abuse...so sad... don't know if this ending in long term separation or divorce.. either feels awful..crying alot
this broke my heart into pieces to think about my own story with my family, I imagined how hard or easy it would be to separate from the loved ones when the time comes, I hope I will be mature enough to finally manage my emotional self, deal with long suffered toxic shame, childhood wounds and pain, I feel so sorry that I miss all the beauty and joy to share with my son while focusing on my own stuff, it's a long and hard process to become healthy, mindful and joyful again, and I have great respect for every parent who make this effort including myself, I appreciate all your sensible approach and help in this journey, thank you Dr. Sage @-'-
Thank you so much for sharing, it really is difficult to separate and we just don't talk enough about it!
Can you address C-PTSD and constant crying. Like little tiny things make us cry . I didn’t cry for years and suddenly I haven’t been able to stop
I went into autistic burnout in perimenopause and i cried every day all the time for over three years. In the shops, no matter where i was silent years constantly. It was awful
I had lost a child and adopted her baby and it was all just too much.
Hi Dr. Sage, loved Coco's presence and playfulness, which was a soft and gentle distraction to and with the topic, which drew up a lot of feelings about childhood, and adulthood for me. So Coco's presence enabled me to listen to what you were saying without getting bound up in my reactions to those stimulated recalls, so that I could remain in contact with what you were saying. So thank you to Coco.
I have become aware that there is really no end time to 'all this stuff'. I am in the latter part of my adult life and, my mother {Mum} having passed away 3 years ago, a lot of that reflection on faults, failings and failures during my life as I perceived them, particularly with regard to children and my parents, came to the surface, and have continued to do so at various times in response to different situations and circumstances. In the recent as well as the more distant past, my reactions included the crying bit also. I was priviledged to have had the pleasure of Mum living with me for seven of the last ten years of her life, with the last three in residential care less than a kilometre from where I live. Consequently, I was able to share time there with Mum, with the occasional company of and interaction with other residents for all but a few days of those last three years.
As a mature age male, having been single for the latter half of my life, I can identify with many of the feelings, reactions, responses and expressions of self that you have described. What you discuss, in this and other videos that you have presented has given me additional grounding, assurance and balance. Your discussions have indicated that what occurs for me in terms of those feelings, responses and reactions are valid conditions and expressions of self. For this foundation, grounding, assurance and balance, I thank you.
Damage to my house and the other after effects of a cyclone, early in 2021, brought 'everything to the surface', particularly as I was facing my diminishing physical capacity to be able to accomlish what I would have liked to do. At this time I sought the assistance of a counsellor. She and I covered a lot of ground during the ensuing twelve months, from my past, including childhood and other events and experiences during my adult life, much of which I had not addressed and processed before. Since then I have found your discussions to add meaningful continued substance, support, clarity and balance that I have found to have been complementary to those previous discussions. For that I offer my deep appreciation.
With Best Wishes, PNH
Two years after having moved away from my parents, I'm still not used to being able to just cry whenever I need to. I don't need to have an acceptable reason. No one is going to overhear me. I don't have to worry about justifying it to anybody.
Exactly- thank you for sharing here. Sending support and healing as you let yourself feel what you feel in a safe place.
I hate my ugly cry. Like if I’m watching a generically sad movie I can skate by with just having tears fall without much fuss, but when something truly awakens my inner child I can barely breathe, can’t speak, it’s like I’m hyperventilating and I can’t stop shaking and it just goes on and on until I can finally make my chest cavity stop shaking. The tears will stop long before I can stop that hand trembling and speak without all that gasping and chest quivering.
I cry all the time now. In the abusive home I grew up in, I learned quickly to be a golem. Now not so much.
I was NOT allowed to cry or I got beat by my mother. Having CPTSD, I was not good enough. I’m trying to learn to cry and let trauma out. My therapist had a few tears one session. It showed me it’s okay to cry. 😢 I feel scared and shame if a few tears come out. Fight, flight, freeze happens if I start to cry. 😢
Yep, I at least once got beat with a belt for crying. "I'll give you something to cry about" would be said to me even if I just looked like I was about to cry.
As a mom, my heart goes out to you. My oldest is 14, so we will be in your shoes in just a few short years. I can’t imagine. 💔 Thank you so much for this video. Crying was never safe for me because my mom’s emotions were so big. I learned there wasn’t space for me to feel sad or to cry. I had a very disappointing thing happen today, and I really tried to sit with the feeling and experience it instead of immediately pushing it down like I’ve always done before. It’s such a process.
Thanks for your vulnerability. ❤️🙏
Thank you too for sharing and being here...I feel like everyone talks about having a child arrive, but we don't talk enough about leaving.
That’s so true and valid. Although I know in my mind that it’s a normal and healthy part of the process, it crushes me just to think about it happening.
Thank you for posting. Your videos are becoming a very helpful part of my healing journey. I’m learning so much and receiving so much insight and validation.
Dr sage, thank you so much for this video! I have personally found it really hard, if not impossible to cry, almost like physiologically I have learnt to not do it at all
Yes, it's so common. I like to prescribe sad music and movies to patients = sometimes that helps trigger what we can't seem to summon on our own.
@@DrKimSage thank you so much for replying! I'll try for sure
Oh my! This is the first time I've heard this. I had a BPD mom and a NPD dad. My mother used that phrase all the time "...ill give you something to cry about". I'm 57 Yeats old and still refuse to cry in front of anyone. On rare occasion it does spill out...but overwhelmingly I cry when I'm in the shower...or in the car...or I go out to my barn and sit with my horse and cry so hard I'm bent over and my stomach muscle cramp. My 19 year old daughter...the best most obedient child of my 5 children...suddenly left last year and move 9 hours away with a man she met on the iternet. Talk about triggering...every nuance in her life...like this week, signing yet another years lease with him after all summer her telling us she's was going to break up because he's abusive....triggered my deep dark emotions again...so I've been weeping and grieving all over again. It's awful.
I am so sorry and sending you all my support - what a painful place to be in...
Check out the amazing passive agressive way my mom did it:
"You know what your grandfather used to say? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!"
- pretended she wasn't saying it, just quoting grandpa - made it about her ("I was the one who was so abused!")
- threat of spanking the crap out of me again
Also I never saw her cry when her mother or her sister died. Only when she felt like a victim of the entire world.
You are amazing, so authentic...gives me hope. Crying was always unacceptable, I learned it was a sign of weakness so I refused to cry as a child, even when I was beat by my father...wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I was 10! To this day, I don't know why I was so defiant.. Now when triggered, I find myself sobbing for the losses and childhood wounds. No matter how often, it just always feels bad...will I ever get over the grief? Would love to hear your thoughts on anger and crying as well as anger and rage!! Thank you for being so transparent, it's very helpful.
Thank you for being here and sharing.... yes we can work through the grief, although I also believe some parts linger and we have to learn to live alongside it. I will share more on anger and tears!
Just wanted to thank you for this. I was recently diagnosed and am doing as much research as I can. Videos, like this one, have been enlightening and affirming. I saw crying as a weakness. I know now, that mentality has been ingrained, and I am learning to be kinder to myself. Lastly, your cat is gorgeous! The squeak at the end of the video was really cute, and it sounds exactly like one of the toys my cats have. Lovely video. Thanks again!
Thanks & sending you💓
I can relate it was when my Covert husband of 31 years started out of nowhere Emotionally beating me down I started crying behind his back! I still remember when I sit there in the same room and was quietly sobbing I remembered where I had learned to do that! If I’m not looking at you I can talk and everything You will never know Im crying If I was caught crying I was physically and emotionally abused for it It was never pretty I learned how to turn the water works off immediately if need be! I held everything inside of me! I was forced too! At that moment when I realized I was grown. In my own home crying silently. It was a rude awakening to our relationship right then and there. I had married a angry rage full man like my step and a Covert like my Mom I knew the. Something had to change..Yes I would love more information I shut my crying off even here alone since He died. This is not healthy I know. Heck I just learned to grieve with books when they died in May and October 22’ I still find myself sobbing on occasion being in the house 24/7 alone probably isn’t helping much. It’s my only choice..
Thank you Dr. Kim Sage....similar sentiments here....
I was expected to be very stoical when I was sad or in pain, but crying was considered better than showing anger so, just as you said, one of the only times I'll really cry is when I'm absolutely furious--which I really hate because I fear that it makes me feel weak and open to mockery. The only other time I'll cry is when I see or hear something really beautiful, especially a book or a piece of music.
I have uncontrollable crying and I just feel numb afterwards and very lonely and depressed. I wish I could get more to the core of this. Even watching some programmes can trigger this for me.
I don't have kids. I have cried for so long but now, when I feel most crushed than ever, I can't. I don't know why. I wish I could although I don't like it since my eyes get so swollen and I always get a terrible headaches.
I was punished due to crying but now I would love crying for so many things I have never had and I still feel like I lost so much... and I can't. I think I would get some soothing effects but I just can't.
I feel my family has taken everything from me; laughter and 😭
Hello Cristina! I just want you to know there is a huge world full of loving people out there waiting to meet you and make you LAUGH! It is very hard to know they are there when yr life experience is being eaten alive by ppl who "love" you.. Once I accepted that and ventured out on wobbly baby legs leaving expectations behind did the proverbial levee break. Good luck beautiful one. You are in my prayers.
So inspiring, what an amazing mum you are! This has helped me to realise that apart from tears on the night my mum left, I didnt cry much after that as a child but so often felt sad and confused. I think I do this in adulthood too, be the martyr, stay strong. I am going to be more aware of when I feel I need to cry and honour that. Thank you and sending love to you at a tough time ❤️
Thank you and yes, I hope you can honor your sadness and tears more as you and your inner child are worthy of it:)
@@DrKimSage thank you, I will ❤️
I was a sensitive kid who was bullied for being the only Jewish kid in the school. My parents never chastised me for crying; they always tried to make things better. My CPTSD came from outside the home and family, not from within. But my beautiful, wonderful parents have been dead for 15 years (they both died in 2008, January and September) and while my husband, kids and siblings have tried their hardest to cheer me up, I’m still crying.
And it’s not just grief, it’s PTSD from my last job, at the beginning of this century. I’d taken the final, paralysing blow to my psyche doing a dangerous job for which I hadn’t been given the proper training or tools to do my job, and I worked myself almost into an early grave to support my family (when my husband was ill) and to do my job to the best of my ability (picking up the slack for so many co-workers).
Crying was something left for major physical pain, and something more often than not done in private… it’s not just men who don’t like to be seen crying. But crying seems to be the only way I can let the psychic poison out. But my crying makes people uncomfortable (no surprises there) and, in turn, they make me feel bad for crying. I can’t help but feel that they’d like to cry with me - for their own pain - but feel like it’s a kind of weakness to be so emotional. It takes far more strength to cry in front of others than it does to remain stoic!
This video has encouraged me to stop seeing my therapist. I’ve only had a few sessions with him but his method of trying to break the cycle sees him interrupting my verbal expressions of pain, grief, insecurity and loss of all kinds, which makes me internalise it all and that serves no purpose other than to keep me stuck. I appreciate his efforts as an apparent specialist in treating traumatised people, but the grief component is beyond him.
I don’t know what the answer is to my problem, but I know that his method of “processing” is different from mine. I’m sure it’d make his job a lot easier if I didn’t cry, but his comfort isn’t my concern when I’m paying him handsomely to let me work my way through this. It’s taking forever, but sometimes there is no end in sight for people like me. Let me have a safe place to cry and let out all the toxicity that’s built up in me over the decades instead of chastising me for being rightly emotional.
To all of you out there who are crying, I’m crying with you 🙏🏼❤️
I know you don’t even have any openings for new patients right now, but I soooo wish I lived in CA so that I can seek therapy with you 😭😭😭
I am learning to feel and the best I can do is 3 seconds of crying. Tough I cried for a little longer when reading sad story. I am very empathic, but I shut down my emotions. Now processing emotions is hard.
I experienced lots shame as an empathic child whenever I wanted to cry by my mother who had BPD. As a result, I had learned to stuff and repress my sadness but not by crying. I ended up with a long term partner who also had traits of BpD who never understood my crying. I became hardened and angry instead. I never had a safe place to cry with those that was supposed to closest to me.. Today, I give myself permission to cry just like I have done expressing my other emotions..
Even now 10 yrs after learning about C-PTSD and doing processing therapy, I absolutely despise crying. It can take me days to weeks to finally burst from that unsettling feeling of needing to let it out but being unable to. When it hits, it hits hard of course. The most difficult trigger for me is around silent treatments and or ghosting. It's like, I did years of therapy to learn how to communicate and no one seems capable of communicating through conflicts, so many avoidants out there who seem not avoidant to start, and I bond fast, then 3-4 months in, trouble happens. I get shutting down for a day or two but I'm talking more about complete discard and I guess abandonment. But for me it's not fear of abandonment, it's more fear of the massive shame spirals that follows from these events, the self hate for trusting and being betrayed (again), trying not to let that expand to acting out either via externalizing or internalizing. It's the one thing that can put me at risk of self harm. Not frequently by any means, very rarely and only after some kind of ongoing (what feels like) psych manipulation leading up to the discard/cut off. Had an incident of that last fall, prior to that was at end of covert narc abusive relationship in 2017, and before that not since post assault in university a decade or so prior, so not a frequent thing at all. But it's the one trigger that I just seem to not be able to shake, and ppl seem all the more prone to ghosting vs working through any conflict, and I really suck at being inauthentic about how I feel or what I think or my boundaries given all the work invested in healing that I just cannot kiss up for "safety" anymore, I'm too old now! Lol it actually makes me feel viscerally unwell if I try tbh.
I hope I find a way to release this one though, it is so soul crushing and so damaging to me every time it happens, and just seems to be how many navigate life due to an inability to tolerate difficult or uncomfortable convos and I can't change them so I guess after all this work it's still on me to find a way to create space to be more accepting of their reasons for doing this even though it's a struggle to not berate myself and blame me. Idk if I'll ever master this one.
My CPTSD symptoms were in response to things that happened while I was pregnant and then the first year or so of my children's lives. I cried a lot then, and they saw it as toddlers, young children... They would always come up to me and show concern, but I never wanted to put that on my kids, so I always told them that yes I'm sad because of XYZ, but I'm okay, thank you for checking on me that is so sweet of you. And that would satisfy them and they would move on and continue with what they were doing.
it seems like you’re doing a great job :)
I feel like I need to have a reason to cry cause in childhood if I cried I got a reason to cry. When my beloved cat that I had from a kitten died I was sitting on the porch sobbing when my mom and step-dad came home, mom said in a rude way " well I guess now you have a reason to cry". So now even at 67 I feel I need to think of a reason why I'm crying or sobbing hysterically.
When I pray I end up sobbing also. I cry cause I am lonely and want someone to love me. All my life I just wanted to be loved.
Sometimes I hurt so bad inside yet unable to know why. Now I make myself not cry and then a month or so goes by and then I'm sobbing.
Yes exactly I DO cry when I'm angry why is that?
I rarely cry l learnt as a child there was no point. If l fell over and cried l was told to stop making a fuss.
If you wanna cry, I'll give you something to cry about! Oh, yes, I heard that one a lot.
Thanks for this video I really needed this !!! You've accomplished so much and I could only wish I would have made different choices in my earlier years but no instead I self medicated ( bpd and bipolar and I'm sure cptsd ) I self medicated from 15 - 38 years of age and now I'm clean and sober but I'm almost 50 and I'm now going through early menapause ( perimenapause ) and I'm not doing good with all these layers and I surely have to keep myself I'm check so I don't go back to my old ways , sometimes the feelings are so strong so Ive been distracting my repetitive thoughts with delving into health thanks Dr sage
Wow… my mom was cold as stone and never cried, my dad cried all the time because his own wounds spilled out all over others’ wounds and even crying all the time when happy. His BPD mom would cry all the time but never when sad about herself.
I have a very hard time crying FOR MYSELF but I cry all the time around everyone else, sometimes for no reason… I’m learning how to not cry and regulate my own emotions while also learning how to cry… it’s rough out there.
Sending support in your healing and I know it is so rough, one day at a time lovey.
i was beaten so badly my mother- she actually gave me TBI, she enjoyed watching the fear , enjoyed beating and torturing,through my childhood- up to age 14 when i left home- then when i left home she split my siblings from me, the other relatives ignored the abuse and when i was a young adult i attempted to bring this forward with my family for healing and i was rejected all the more, i trust no one but Christ- and i have no desire to be here , but am here as long as God has me here. my mother is happy to maintain the lies and divisions , she would rather sit in a pile of mud than dance in freedom in a beautiful field- a very sick person who by the grace of God I have been separated from since 1987. I am heartbroken but at peace - i cry for seemingly no reason - it is what it is but I know I am safe in Christ and He loves me . 1 Cor 15;1-4 all by grace - Christ is beautiful and He has comforted me !
I cried a lot as a young child. My parents laughed because I cried so much and made fun of me in an attempt to make it better/funny. Pretty screwed up now 😢
I have two memories of crying. One was of me in bed, age 3 or 4, hearing my parents argue, me crying softly and unable to stop shivering, wanting to bury myself deeply under the pillows to drown out the sound. Another was after being sent to my room for being “rambunctious,” a reason that made no sense to me, and then realizing that no matter how much I cried, no one would come. It took a long time to unlearn those lessons. When our youngest, our twins, left for college we felt proud for having raised them well, but part of me also wondered how my life would have changed if I had had the benefit of such parenting.
Thank you so much for sharing here...so true too about what life would have been like if we'd had us instead of the parents we had. My therapist always says, "imagine if you had you as a parent instead," when I am struggling. It's really helpful:)
Coco made me smile ^-^
I lost my eldest daughter a yr ago and I've sobbed yet felt guilty for sobbing. Why?
Thank you for imparting your knowledge
Thank you for being here for me to impart!!:)
Off - topic but I think we should separate "discipline" from "hitting" or "physical punishment" because I'm realizing in this moment that one of my issues from childhood is I had self-discipline but it was overridden with being taught to be pleasure seeking and impulsive.
As I unlearn that and try to became disciplined in anything I want to do, this video has me wondering if I associate discipline with punishment. And honestly, I do.
I associate it with being hard on and harsh with myself to force myself to do what I "should" be doing.
I know there's a difference between discipline and punishment but maybe those words shouldn't be used interchangeably.
It also has a justification hidden in it for abuse, while not calling hitting what it is. I personally think it's heinous to hit a child that doesn't know what is expected of them and is learning everything for the first time.
With me, something that still bothers me to this day, my parents didn't teach me to do things, they simply punished me for doing things wrong. Had they taught me the "right" way in the first place, I could've been spared a lot of pain.
What pisses me off about that I didn't learn to develop good habits, I learned that if I made them mad, they'd hit me and it's anyone's guess what will make them mad.
I also learned, going into adulthood, that the way to learn from others was to be shamed or hurt into changing my behavior.
I do cry ALOT! it seems to piss everyone off.🤔
If a person doesn't cry, is that also an area of concern? The tears want to come out but doesn't, surely that's suppressing their real feelings and maybe shame attached to that? I just want to help, but get pushed away.
I bawled today dropping my son off for his first day of middle school and now I know why!
Omg it's so difficult and those turning points like school change really hit home! Sending support to you today!!
My parents could wait for me to leave for Uni. They still ‘joke’ about it now! 😔 I couldn’t wait to leave either tbh. My inner critic tends to make a star appearance when I 😭 cry… making me feel worse- this is making more sense in regard to shame you talk about.
God, that inner critic can be relentless!! Thank you so much for being here and sharing!:)