At 20, I get a lot of grief about not drinking, smoking, going to parties, and not having a boyfriend. I just wish people could stop putting so much pressure on it, and let people do their own thing. Thank you for that message Amy about being on our own path, and all of you for speaking about this♥️
I have similar experiences especially since everyone I know drinks and smokes. I'm the weirdo drinking coffee at a party while everyone is getting drunk, lol.
@@eiilzz I feel this! I have never been interested in that, in general. Even though I get judged, I don't see it getting me farther in life, lol. (That's not to say I haven't ever had a drink for example, but I guess I'm not interested in always getting drunk, idk!
@@hillmidget1326 Literally! I hate the shame associated with not doing it, in particular. Called a goody too shoes, etc. Like maybe I just don't wanna smoke lol. As you said- live your life!
I wish Dani was here for this conversation 🥺 I know she had some opinions on this as well. It's so nice to see you guys open up and talk about these topics. Hope to see this more ❤️❤️❤️
Wow Amy really hit me with “nobody else has to go to bed at night thinking about the decisions that YOU made” Thanks for some free therapy talk ladies!
@Abigail Sulpizo: That's not true, though, because many big decisions you make do affect other people. I mean, in a trivial sense, every decision that affects other people probably affects you also, but that's not something to tell the people you affect. Of course decisions affect you, because you are trying to serve your self-interest, but people will object when that conflicts with them. And they might, indeed, think about how your decisions affected them. If someone is looking for purity, then they will be thinking about your decisions when determining compatibility. In any case, at this point, if purity culture can be toxic, then I guess pretty much any ideal can be toxic at this point, because even if it's a positive goal, people who don't want to work to achieve it can still find fault with it. Can tolerance culture be toxic, too? Maybe, if people are shoving it down your throat and defining your personhood based on it and ignoring the rest of your life. Maybe people don't want their life to be interrupted by always having to be tolerant, just like people don't want to live their life interrupted by always having to be pure. Always having to be good. It can drain people, but this applies to much more than just purity, and can apply to any left-wing or right-wing ideal potentially. At this point, labeling something as toxic seems to say more about you than the thing that you're labeling.
@@derekg5563 Your comment seems to imply that purity is equal to goodness. That’s the exact reason WHY it’s toxic. Girls grow up being taught that their worth is determined by their body and if it’s good enough for a man. When many women who grew up with purity culture eventually do get married, they still can’t shake the feeling of “sex = bad” and they feel guilt and shame around it. They don’t let themselves enjoy it as they still think, whether consciously or subconsciously, that enjoying it is sinful. As a woman who grew up with purity culture, I can say first hand it’s harmful. It can be harmful for men too. I’ve seen that first hand. If someone wants to decide to wait, that is wonderful when it’s THEIR choice and not something they’ve been pushed and shamed into.
I'm not religious at all but am a believer that everyone should be able to get along, regardless of beliefs. I have so much respect for you ladies for discussing this and being so vulnerable. I didn't know the ins and out of toxic purity culture but work with young people and see purity rings OFTEN without knowing what that entails. You are changing a LOT of young lives by sharing your stories. Thank you ❤️
I’m a Muslim and it’s so hard to find people online that can talk about these things without feeling judged! I’ve definitely felt judgement on both sides .. for waiting and for ‘not being pure enough’ .. thank you so much for being so open, creating such a safe community and encouraging people to share ❤
Hi dear, I'm a Muslim as well! And I completely understand what you're going through. With family it's always this pressure to be pure and not talk about anything but with friends or even strangers, it's weird if you've never been intimate with somebody because you were taught to believe it will ruin you! So I understand completely. And these girls created such a safe space to be open
I was raised to wait until marriage. I didn’t wait until marriage but I did wait until I was with someone who I loved and who I knew loved me. I don’t regret it at all. A lot of people talk about how awkward their first time was. And while I was nervous, it def wasn’t awkward. It went about as well as I could’ve wanted it to go.
and for everyone it’s a different experience. i support waiting. but i also didn’t wait. i did have sex with my husband before marriage. but regardless of pleasure sexually i am with him for so so so much more. we are not sexual much at all.
I was raised in a household that wasn't that religious. Later on became a christain and I personally wanted to wait until marriage. But once I met someone who loved me and who I knew loved me. I didn't regret my choice cause I knew I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I'm just happy I know I'm not alone with this decision.(But do I know it's sinful. Yes but I've been getting better with it)
Thank you for sharing your story. The real question is are we obeying God when doing something He has forbidden us to do? We can indeed do whatever we want when we want and with who we want but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. God has set a good frame for sexual relationship and it's within marriage. I hope you'll Meditate on the words of God and He will show you His will for your life. God bless you!
Thank you for this video. I'm 30 and I'm waiting until marriage. I get so much grief from people for my choice to wait. I have been bullied since I was a teen about my decision to not have sex, drink, or do drugs. It just blows my mind how people think what I do with my body is any of their business but I'm constantly called a prude, asked if I'm gay, asked if it's because I'm fat, and many other things. Thankfully as an adult I've learned to brush it off but when I was younger things like that hurt me so badly. I hope and pray that this video reaches the people that are struggling and need to hear these words. Thank you again for talking about this.
The fact that people actually know about your sex life is so weird to me. I feel like this is something so private. Alcohol and drugs that's different, it shows. But sex? People don't want to know how you brush your teeth, why would they mind if you are having sex 🙄 (On a personal note, if you are into it, sex is really nice practiced from 1 to I guess as many people as you like, never forget that 😅 Also, I totally understand the wait until marriage and I kind of admire you to keep it up because my curiosity got the best of my motivation lol. I don't regret it because it taught me a lot of things about myself but I wonder what would have happened had I waited...)
Yeah, but changing your mind means you don't get a high-value mate who has standards who did not change their mind. So if you have a high notch count, don't be surprised if a high value mate may not want to commit due to past decisions.
Thanks, this was so interesting to watch. I’m a Christian and have struggled with navigating this topic for such a long time. My husband and I waited for marriage and we’re both really glad that we did, and have no regrets. But that doesn’t mean that we weren’t impacted by the toxicity of purity culture - it’s had a lasting effect on both of us personally and as a married couple. I want to teach our kids what we believe without pushing them into a culture that seems to devalue women, crush personal autonomy, diminish consent and put such a heavy focus on sexual sin. It’s such a loaded topic and I think you handled it really well - definitely gave me a lot of food for thought! 😊
It's a personal choice and I respect the various opinions on this. I personally feel like I'm not a wait until marriage person but I am however a wait until the relationship feels like it's going in the right direction and the commitment with each other is clear.
@@ebrooke953 i think molly meant if its your choice to wait until marriage that's great but teaching your children to wait till marriage by using the methods mentioned in the video is disgusting
@molly Ohh gotcha, I 100% agree with you. In your original comment I wasn't sure if "teaching *that* to your children" meant teaching the purity culture stuff or allowing them to make their own informed, autonomous decisions. I definitely grew up with a less intense version of purity culture dogma, and the shame that comes with it is so hard to outgrow. It's so messed up.
I’m a woman who is very in tune with her spirituality. I’m also a woman who is very in tune with her sexuality! I made the decision a long time ago to wait until I’m married- very similarly to what Christina said- because that’s what makes the most sense for me in my life! It’s been very hard to navigate sexual urges because I grew up being taught that sex is dirty and bad. I’m finally at a place in life where I understand that sexuality is an innate part of who I am as a woman and as a human being and there is nothing wrong with having sexual feelings or desires! It’s literally a part of our biology for crying out loud! I don’t have the mindset that sex is dirty or bad anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind about waiting. I still believe that it is the best decision for me, but I am sooooo thankful that I’ve done the work to deconstruct all of the shame and guilt that I grew up feeling! It’s been so healing and freeing for me!
The shame is a barrier to help people avoid making bad decisions. It's good you have been able to navigate these difficult roadblocks without giving in, but it's also not just about shame it's also about connections. Because once you do make that physical connection, it's permanent and forever, and it's important that if you want to make a serious connection with someone for the rest of your life, to make sure you do it with the person you marry.
@@Billy-bc8pkI promise you, there ain’t no permanent connections here. Your comments fall into the vein of toxicity that’s addressed in this very video lmao.
@@heatherknoxt The studies about oxytocin and the counterintuitive trends associated with pre-marital relations actually says otherwise. And sadly, people like to deny those studies to maintain hedonistic patterns that only make life harder for them and any potential future relationships.
Thank you for this video. I’m just now getting back in church with my 3 year old as a single mom. 21, Never married, not in a relationship when I got pregnant. It’s been hard to get back into church because of the judgment. Thankfully I’m in a place where I’m confident and proud of my daughter. I’m now saved again and feel more worth than before. Now waiting for marriage as well. It’s been so healing on my mind and soul and relationship with God. Thankfully I don’t have those kinds of people around me with this toxic culture.
@@biancadupree I think what I should of mentioned was this is my home church. Where I grew up. I think I was insecure and felt others would judge. Not that they were. I think that’s where my words mixed up. My church even threw me a baby shower. They have been so gracious to me and were so happy to see me and my daughter in church. I think there was healing in my own head I had to go through to get to where I am. But that was a thought in my head, that this wasn’t the church for me. I just didn’t even give it a try before throwing judgment on others that they would return that judgment.
I was saving myself for marriage and was happy and had peace with my decision. Then, when I was 19, I was a victim of SA. I immediately felt worthless, felt dirty, and like my decision to stay pure had been stolen. I never respected my body again. If only I had heard something like this video then, I could've continued to stay pure despite being a victim. At the time, I thought my choice had been made for me by that man. But despise the hurt, judgement, and loss of friendships I've had to endure, I hope that somebody that might be feeling like I had will hear this and know their worth! ❤️❤️❤️
Almost the same story as you... 19. The decision was made for me while wearing my purity ring. Took it off and it ultimately left me a single mom by 23. Which that itself was a result of sa. Now at 26 while not waiting I am in a period of not. To give myself a moment to figure out what I want
@Alisha H May I ask you what the term SA means in regards to this video / discussion. I am unfamiliar with it and I did Google it but tons of meanings came up for the SA initials , I dont know what it means. Thanks.
@@thejupiter2574 I don’t know if I’m in a place to say what it means or if I can because TH-cam might tag me but it has to do with someone being harmed a certain way from another person in an uncomfortable way
I do not believe in waiting until marriage but I just feel like “purity” is such a bad word to describe this…. it feels like if you don’t do wait, you’re not pure??? what does that even mean
Because you have to come full circle that in ancient times when A woman’s honor Was based upon holding onto her virginity in marrying well, because if she didn’t hold onto her virginity, nobody would marry her except the person that took her virginity. He was obligated to marry her he’d be dead and so was she. Thank God that we’re not under the law of Moses anymore but purity is not a bad word it has to do with your perspective
Well you’re not 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t wait and I’m not “pure” I have a strong faith but that’s not something I waited for it doesn’t mean my relationship with God is less and I kind of wish I did wait but I didn’t … but purity is just a word and it’s appropriate
I mean God says your body is not your own it belongs to him, He also says that sex is a gift from Him to married couples only. It's not to say you're a bad person at all if you don't wait till marriage but it is a mortal sin against the body of Christ and the physical body here on earth. I mean if you don't want to participate in the religious following God, that's your decision but yes to these people and myself sexual immorality is impure. Hope this helps you understand our pov, God bless you ❤️
Aww Amy! Sorry I heard her crying in her speech on point 3, and I'm like "give the princess a hug!" Same for Lauren, the moment I heard her sadness after Amy's turn, I wanted to give her a hug. Sorry, when someone goes sad, I wanted to reach out and make them feel better. Also thanks for today's vid, you ladies really had good points regarding this topic and I give yall kudos for it!
Thank you guys for this so much. I’m often embarrassed to tell people I am Christian because of the toxicity and how people use the bible to put others down. As I grow up, I’m working on mending my relationship with God apart from how I grew up. This video is giving me so much hope as I continue this journey!!
I agree! A lot of people paint Christians as like the too nice of people or the unfun people, or like there are toxic and horrible people who say that they are Christian and put us in a bad light.
As someone who grew up in a non-religious home and then became a Christian throughout childhood, I always like to say this to people. Stop looking for the times people acted ungodly, and start looking for how God moved throughout your life. Your past, your present, and your future. Who entered your life that made a difference? How did you make it through a situation? Was God there even though you may not have acknowledged him at the time? It is so easy to focus on the negative that people do. Asking myself those questions have really helped me be grateful for when and how God moved in my life. I hope your journey is going well. ❤
I really appreciate this. I was sexually assaulted three time within a three month span when I was fifteen. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant, but it took me five years to even go to the police about it. My family still doesn’t know about it because I’m too scared they will judge me because my mom was very sexually promiscuous so I know they will think I had it coming. It is still hard for me today to feel as though I am still worthy to God because of a bad youth pastor who said we have it coming for how we dress or act. I am always in baggy clothes that cover me and keep my head down because I’m so terrified that if I am seen, then it will happen again. But hearing Amy and Lauren getting so emotional and Kat and Christina saying it’s not my fault and how the candy pieces is an awful illustration. It made it feel like I do still have worth and that God doesn’t look at me as some damaged, unworthy person. Also, with the consent thing, it matters because my ex wouldn’t take no for an answer and I would cry myself to sleep because I honestly just felt used. Like Kat was saying it a manipulation thing because he would get angry and punch my bed and yell at me, knowing I was severely abused as a child, and he knew I wanted to wait until marriage, but he pushed to the point I was too scared to say no. Then for so many months after it was like emotional abuse until I finally gave in. Which has also added trauma and this feeling of not being worthy. I know I can’t take my virginity back, but since leaving him I am trying to heal and recommit to wait until marriage. And my first kiss wasn’t until I was like twenty, but the social pressure was enormous and it was crazy how people looked down on my for it. Also, thank you for talking about this subject. 🖤
I think you’re worthy enough to God no. I think he would forgive you God forgives everybody whether you were sexually harassed or not whether it was this guy’s fault or not I don’t know. But God forgives and I think you’d be very worthy of him
I'm so sorry that you endured such horrific abuse, including the abuse and manipulation by your ex. You NEVER deserved to be treated like that. God loves you more than you could ever imagine. Your worth has NOT been diminished, nor can it be diminished. If you have not yet sought professional help, please do so. You deserve to be properly supported. You deserve to heal. You deserve to be free to live your best life! Never give up. Never forget that you are so very LOVED....no matter what. You are a TRUE BLESSING in this messed up world of ours. Thank you for sharing with us. Praying for you and sending you much ❤. Take good care & God bless.
God loves you no matter what. Never think otherwise. No one can dim your light. Show them you can't be taken down because you have the strongest entity in the universe on your side.❤
I very much agree with everything y'all are saying. I didn't grow up in the christian culture as a child. but when I found the Lord in college and now 9 years in, that culture has easily come on me as a single adult. A have a strong passion to be a part of helping the church change and actually address purity culture in the way that is more to how Jesus would. That women have sexual feelings just as men, that shame shouldn't be the tool, and that there is always restoration. AND if the church continues to not want to talk about it, then we are going to continue to be educated about sexuality by our culture around us, and that is NOT what we want. Let's normalize these conversations. You ladies are doing great, and I'm so thankful for you using your platform to bring this message to more people.
Love this topic! So hard you’re right but so important. I was SA at 16 and literally lived in I’m worthless until I was 18. I was wild and just didn’t care what happened to me after that. I was not a Christian until I was 25 years old. Pregnancy is a worry for teens however I was 18 when I got pregnant unplanned and not with someone I would ever dream of having a child with. My First son changed my life forever. Of course right?! But more than that I was so heavy into drugs, unhealthy sex and alcohol. The second I found I was pregnant I stopped everything enrolled full time in college once again and got a job and my own place. I honestly told the dad I was doing this pregnancy alone or he could participate. Unfortunately I decided to marry him…an alcoholic who still did drugs. It ended in both DV and SA yet again. Then I found a man who I later understood was emotionally physically abusive. I couldn’t see it when I was with him. I was told I could not get pregnant again due to massive medical issues well surprise 1 day later and yep 💥 pregnant 🤦♀️ Lol! But ya know what he left when my second son was just 9 months old. He wasn’t a great husband but he IS A GREAT DAD!! I found Jesus through that divorce! I was so lost so so just emotionally an absolute wreck! I found MYSELF in Jesus and ONLY then I was I able to both give and accept true love. I now have been married for 17 years have 4 just out of this world AMAZING boys! 2 “bio” (though we don’t recognize blood 🩸 in the family) and 2 bonus sons. They are now 26,25,22 and 19! We have been so so blessed for sure! My husband has always and is still so so so patient because I still have issues with some sexual things and relationships things. Looking back I’d have loved to wait until marriage knowing how I believe now as a Christian HOWEVER my son saved my life…I mean he saved my life! And I KNOW he was a gift from God and definitely a 2x4 over the head. Now did it fully work on coming to Jesus right then absolutely not~~yet~~BUT it was part of the path that lead me to him. Still today I believe in praying those “dangerous prayers” (awesome book btw Dangerous Prayers 😉 ). I pray for patience Lol! And I pray for 2x4s because I am absolutely stubborn as can be and honest to goodness sometimes I need that 2x4 answer from God to whip me into shape. My husband still struggles because he didn’t have a father that lead the family even in the slightest. He was an alcoholic also but has since changed his life. He’s still quiet and reserved and mom runs the roost. Regardless of how I feel about their dynamics I’m tired of some Christian teachings degrading men for not being the proper and good leader of the family. It takes us both!! We are both children of God and we are honest to goodness each other’s biggest accountability partners beyond anyone else. One of My sons now has 2 kids and they neither one want to get married. Do I love it not so much HOWEVER they are adults and it is their choice. They will NEVER get judgement from me as his parent. We talk and have great conversations around it BUT I don’t push too hard. Nothing positive will come from that. Soooo those that choose to wait I think that’s awesome 👏 BUT if you don’t and even if you don’t wait and you get pregnant there is still greatness in this life for you. Every single thing we do in life eventually builds character hope and love with Jesus BUT it also equips us to help others! These are my absolute favorite Bible verses especially as a chronically ill woman, mama and wife. It’s hard to see your purpose honestly as anyone but when your sick constantly shew. I’ll share because the beauty of these 2 groups of scripture is just unmatchable imo ❤ 🙏🏻 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Rom.5.1,Rom.5.2,Rom.5.3,Rom.5.4,Rom.5.5&version=NLT Best imo coupled with….. ❤ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2Cor.1.3,2Cor.1.4,2Cor.1.5,2Cor.1.6,2Cor.1.7&version=NLT Much love to everyone and NEVER judgement from me. Always find someone “safe” to talk with because NO ONE should ever tear you down for being open. ❤ 🙏🏻
Toxic purity left me in terrible a relationship for far too long. I felt that since I wasn’t “pure” anymore, I had to stay with this one person, even though it eventually be abusive. I’m so glad I found the strength to leave, and it took me a long time to realize that my worth was so much more than my virginity. I found a new partner, we’re not each others firsts, and we’ve been deeply in love for over five years, and I will never ever teach our future children to stay in a toxic place with someone because of a decision they’ve made based on their sexuality. Thank you for being so open and non judgemental. It took me a while to love myself after that relationship and rebuild my own feelings of self worth after having sex outside of marriage when I was taught it should only happen between husband and wife. It’s not a belief I hold any longer, but I respect all those who did wait. Sex is still something that is sacred and private to me, and absolutely still special. Im happy to be outside of that toxic purity culture and I respect you girls for discussing it, while also discussing that you waited. It was so refreshing to hear someone that’s waited to say, “it’s still your choice!”
My husband and I waited until marriage as well! We weren’t flawless, but definitely felt like that was the right decision for us! Thank you for sharing this message. It is SO important!!
As someone that is not religious and doesn't personally believe in waiting till marriage (I respect those that do) but I feel like s3x is definitely meaningful and powerful regardless. It makes me feel powerful and confident as a woman knowing that I am making my own choices and doing something that makes me feel good both physically and mentally. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with s3x before marriage and sharing yourself with more than one person through your lifetime because it allows you to learn so many things about yourself that you otherwise may not and can also be helpful in things outside of just s3x. I did wait longer than most (I was 21) and I am definitely a much more happy and confident person now than I was before I started having s3x. That being said, it is obviously important to be safe. ❤️
THIS. Couldn't agree more. I also didn't start until I was 21. I was raised religious and then left the church. Exploring my body and sexuality was so healing.
It's a super topic! I (19) have decided to keep my mental, physical and emotional purity for my future husband, the one God has chosen for me. Thanks girls for covering these topics too! Blessings
NGL. I feel like this needs to be said. Lauren and amy getting chocked up about it made me wanna jump through the screan and give you all a hu. BTW missing lisa, shes so strong for what her and her hubby are going through. plus her little minion. love you all millions xxx
As far as the first question about whether it has has meaning, I feel like it can be very individual. I would imagine for most people sex is something that is emotional, vulnerable, intimate, etc., however not for everyone. I think it’s important to remember that people experience sex drive, sexual attraction, and sexual desire in different ways and combinations. This gets even more complex when paired with the multitude of other forms of attraction such as romantic, sensual, platonic, which will also have their own distinctions between desire and attraction. It is also important to remember that just because you don’t understand how people experience people and the world, it doesn’t mean they are lying, confused, or a possible experience for some people. I think these are just some important things to consider when discussing this question.
Has it ever crossed your minds that not everybody's goal in life is to get married in their 20s or 30s or maybe at all? 🤭You can experience exactly the kind of physical relationship you desire in all stages of life. It can be casual, it can be committed and it can be meaningful either way. I think sex is a beautiful way to connect with yourself and others and no label or relationship status determines or guarantees how you feel during or after. In my opinion it comes down to mutual respect and open communication. So whenever you are ready for that and you feel confident in your ability to set and value boundaries and honor your own needs and wishes as well as those of another person I think you are in a good place to share your sexuality.
I completely agree with you and also, I think this whole purity thing is quite toxic in itself... no offence to anyone wanting to wait till marriage, but there are so many cases of people who wait, and then it doesn't work out for them or they find out they have different preferences than their partner. And then their marriage falls appart or they forcefully stay married even though it doesn't work for them. If you can't find out that you connect not only on an emotional but also physical level, then marriage won't work. After all, marriage is a ring on each ones finger, it doesn't magically change the relationship you have with your partner lol. I'm not saying it doesn't work for anyone, but there is such a big expectation for people who wait and there is an even bigger pressure if it doesn't work out for them. I can't imagine marrying someone and not knowing if sex will be good with them or not.
Käthe, since you didn't watch the video, the main point is that being on either polar end is damaging- and you are firmly on one of the polar ends, shaming and dehumanizing everyone who doesn't agree with you. Toxic.
This video felt like a mini-podcast! That was such an interesting topic and I agreed with all you said, even if I'm not religious! The amount of time I clapped alone in front of my screen screaming "Preach !" was insane ! Also, I'd like to thank you for showing a healthy and good side of religion that I thought disappeared. I sadly only see the toxic side of the media, mostly the internet. Having your videos and takes on those kinds of topics is very refreshing, I don't see enough religious people talking about it!
My respect for you guys, that was already so high, has just skyrocketed. You guys handled this topic absolutely beautifully and judgement free, and I really hope that people of all ages watch this and feel empowered
YES! I so respect you all for talking about this and thank you sooo much for not being afraid to share your beliefs on it, especially since they're so counter-cultural! I love how you explained everything and just gave some great questions for everyone to think deeper about. 👏❤
So refreshing to hear this discussion in a way I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. I am so grateful all of this was shared! I love how it’s not “this is what YOU should do” “this is the right thing to do” but instead sharing your perspectives and encouraging the process of questioning everything and going on this journey for ourselves. I did this for myself awhile back and unfortunately came across a LOT of toxic, deeply harmful purity culture videos along the way so I am SO grateful you all made this video and said what needed to be said ❤
I think part of the issue is a lack of continual conversations. Parents wait until their kid is a teen and then they briefly say sex is bad or don’t get pregnant etc. This needs to be a continuing conversation. With an explanation of why these are your families values.
I have been a follower and subscriber for years but I haven’t actively watched your videos in a year or so. I just saw this video in my subscriptions and I’m so happy I took the time to click on it. I respect y’all so much more now knowing that you don’t support such toxic beliefs. Thank you for speaking up about something so important! ❤️ TW : SA/Rape I was raped in 2013 when I was 14 or 15 years old. I wore a purity ring until then. I truly thought that after that, I was dirty and used up. So I continued to let men use me for a few months after (before going to therapy and realizing I was wrong) because I thought the damage was already done and I couldn’t take it back so I might as well go ahead and go wild and crazy. I also thought it had to be my fault because I was wearing shorts. I wish I had someone I looked up to back then to tell me these same things. If you are reading this and you’re in a similar position, please know you’re not dirty or unworthy of love and respect. And above all else, please know it’s not your fault. ❤️
Omg I’m so so sorry. This truly breaks my heart. I hope you were able to find/are finding healing! You didn’t deserve that and did absolutely nothing wrong. Again, I am so deeply sorry you had to endure something so evil. I wish you all the best and am praying for you 💗😭
I think it was your comment they read in the podcast and girl, thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine is very very similar and you putting words to everything helped my healing in ways I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words. Thank you ♥️
I follow you guys for a long time, and despite of my personal opinion about it, I think it's so important that you guys are bringing this conversation here, specially because you have young people as followers, so kudos to you.
I agree on this topic 140% agree. Still saving myself for the right guy whoever he is even though I’m 44 years old God knows that I am still saving myself or knows maybe I won’t find them who knows I don’t know but God does❤
I have watched you guys for almost 10 years and I am so happy that you guys are using this platform for good! Thank you for spreading such a powerful message!
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about this so with so much vulnerability and grace and kindness Christina pointed out there aren’t a lot of people online putting out this perspective and I completely agree. it’s so amazing to see you guys tackle this topic. So much love for y’all!!!
Respect to you girls for using your platform to talk about what matters even if it isn't easy. Thank you for that. I'm curious to hear more of your own personal journies and stories about purity and how you came to that decision. Also wish I could hear Lisa's take!!
When I was growing up in said toxic culture, a lot of people who were SA'd (or hadn't waited) saw it as "too late" for them, and in response began to almost hyper-fixate on sex. It was the thought of, "Well, it already happened, and because that makes me worthless now, I might as well drown myself with it." They thought if they were gonna be thrown away anyway, then they should "play the part". It was utterly heartbreaking but as a victim myself, I remember thinking the same at one point. You guys were spot on with a lot of what you were saying, but I also know that a lot of people wonder about the aftermath of "not being pure" and what that means for them now. That would interesting to hear about from your point of view.
I'd just add, this thinking about being "worthless now" doesn't always come from your beliefs, society or the way you were raised. As for asexual people who are naturally repulsed by sex or see it as something gross and disgusting it's quite obvious we could feel this way in case it happens. I always say it because people tend to think it's 100% family's fault that you were raised "puritan" or religious and just bringing awareness can change this feeling but it gets way deeper in reality. But overall I definitely understand what you mean by that.
Praise the Lord!!! It's beautiful to see women out there who don't think men need to fall at their feet but also women who understand that women need to have a voice. "You are a child of God, and that is your identity," amen preach sisters preach! Amen raise our children to be pure but DO NOT condemn those who have made mistakes. Oh my gosh there was so much that you guys said that was so true! I definitely can see how the quiet quiet life I have lived has made my relationship difficult a little difficult because I was told that everything secual was bad before marriage. I wouldn't even say that I would just say it wasn't spoken about. And my boyfriend came from a Christian family that did have these discussions so it has been a huge culture shock for me. So thank you for having the courage and platform to talk about this. Being this is definitely fighting for Christian values, I pray this stays up a long time because unfortunately I see our culture dividing even more than it is.
This is a very interesting topic! As someone from the UK who has not been brought up religious it kind of shocks me how much importance sex (or the first time) has in your lives. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to me, I think there’s just a different level of importance. And the topic of it being something that should have so much thought before acting on… I think in some essence yes that’s important, don’t do it until you feel comfortable with the person and you’re both doing it for the right reasons. But at the same time, having a bad experience with someone (consensual) does not mean you will never have a good experience or that that will impact your life forever? You can and will have meaningful sex lives even after being with multiple people. Obviously I’m not very educated on purity culture, and that part of this video (especially the toxic parts) did make me sad. I don’t really understand why there’s such a stigma against sex within religion specifically pre marriage. The end section of this video made me a little uncomfortable. It seems a bit like you’re pushing your personal beliefs onto viewers and I’m sure not everyone watching this is religious or has been brought up to believe sex before marriage is a sin. As someone who is not married and has not waited until marriage, I don’t think people look in the mirror at night and judge themselves on the partners they’ve had?! Life has many chapters and some chapters start and end, others continue for a long time. I don’t contemplate the partners I’ve had and regret having sex with people just because the relationship didn’t last until marriage or forever. Not bashing on anyone who chooses to not have sex before marriage, it’s 100% your choice and you should be able to make up your own mind without being swayed by religion or peoples opinions, but this whole thing of being “pure” obviously judges people who choose not to follow that path and I don’t agree with that. You’re not a bad person if you have sex before you’re married or don’t even want to get married :)
I felt the same way about the end section and part of Katherine’s point more towards the middle. I think I understand how she feels about sex and how she feels about the idea of her having multiple partners and like her own judgments about her own life if that was the choice she’d made, but it felt like she was saying too much that it’s everyone’s experience. The only shame I’ve ever had around Sex (whether I was having it or not) came from society and nothing else. I was never personally ashamed when I was sleeping with someone and felt respected and safe at all times. It feels a bit like they’re not leaving room for that with some of the phrasing they used. Maybe just an accident though!
I'm also not religious and I didn't wait until marriage or even to be in a committed relationship. But I don't feel like they were trying to push their beliefs on anyone, they just asked some open questions. I found them really interesting to think about because consent is not all that matters, respect for example is very important. Even though I disagree with some things they said, it was just their opinion and the choices they made for themselves because it was what was right for them. I don't regret anything but some people might have had some similar experiences and regret them. It's not about shaming yourself but just think before or/and after having sex and then act according to your feelings and beliefs to be happy about your life I guess. I really enjoyed this video, it was very interesting.
I agree. Like ''look into the mirror at night and decide if you are fine with your decisions'' felt a bit judgemental. I never once felt like I had to justify enjoying sex with different people before marriage. Obviously, the Cimorelli girls HAVE been raised to think it is not done to have sex before marriage, I have not. So I guess they can never understand the freedom which girls like me view sex, and I cannot understand the importance they place on pre-marital sex.
I have a friend that is completely stuck in toxic purity, unfortunately it has been affecting our friendship because I always feel like she's judging everyone. Seeing this video gave me hope that she will get better someday, when you're a teen you just believe in whatever people say to you
As someone who has definitely *not* been part of purity culture I'd say Sex and meaningfulness might be compared to a hug? Like you can hug a bunch of people, maybe because you just really like hugs and they feel nice, but they don't have to necessarily mean anything further than "I just like hugs", where as in if you hug a friend, a lover, a family member, the hug might be more meaningful because of your connection to this person.
I absolutely thought that you aligned with some of the toxic purity. I am so grateful you made this video. Especially with people like… cough cough… girl defined… on the youtubes…. So proud and so much love for this video
I waited until marriage! It was such a relief when my then boyfriend said he was waiting as well! I love having God and our friendship as the center of our relationship rather than sex (which i've heard is so common) People go directly to sex to solve their problems and that's not healthy but it's SO common! I love knowing the man i'm giving myself to loves me for me and not just for my body!
I’m 13, so all this stuff I don’t really think about a lot, but this was still really helpful and gave me a good understanding of some things I’ve been wondering, so thankful that y’all are open about things like this, I love you guys more then anything! You guys changed my life. ❤❤❤
On another side of thoughts, I know a couple of younger girls, just turned 21, who think they are losers or lame because they are still virgins at an “old” age. It makes me sad that they feel shame for being virgins.. ans like pressure to have sex because they believe it’s “lame” to not have sex young.
tbh, good sex education might help there as well. I was well educated, and I knew how babies are made since I can remember. Nudity was never a source of shame, but still something I accepted when people set boundaries there. I knew about my vagina and that it is mine. I was a bit of a late bloomer but curious at my teenage times in sexuality but not in sex with others. I had my first time with 22, I think, I don't remember. I know that it was the right time for me. And I knew when I didn't want it. Had my wild time after that, but sure, it was good for me there. I think a healthy relationship with sexuality and the parts of our body which are deemed sexual still need to go a long way, in the USA especially. It is really SO UNHEALTHY what I sense. It's no sex or sex with everybody immediatly with ALL THE orgasms.
I love how intentional you all were with your words in this video. You were able to share your perspectives while still being very mindful and respectful of all sides of the conversation. Loved this vid thanks girls ❤️
@@MusicLiveOn I think its really difficult for Christians especially to NOT do this, or to even realize there's thousands of other religions out there. Especially if you were raised and indoctrinated in it as I was, its like the entire framework for your identity and its hard to even IMAGINE that people don't think the same way you do.
im so grateful for this conversation. i watched it when it came out and i was so disconnected from my body/emotions, i didn’t even realize how purity culture had caused me trauma. thank you guys for being so open about this topic
I’m a Catholic woman that has been shamed due to purity culture. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for this. It’s so important that we as religious people speak against this. ❤
@@pornesianparapiod9293 well it's fine if 'you' want to stay a virgin until marriage but it's not right that religion forces it's views and shames people who have premarital relations.
I listened to part of this, then finished the 2nd part on the podcast today. I just had to leave a comment on the video. I have never felt more seen, validated, not alone, EVER in my life until I heard this podcast. I’m a 25 year old UPS driver & you guys had me crying on my route today because I had never felt so understood in my life. Reading off comments on sexual assault, I thought was going to be triggering, but man, y’all did it perfectly. Not only the comments that you chose to read, but the commentary back. Y’all are absolute sweethearts and I was at a complete loss for words. I still am. I just knew I had to comment and say thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you. ♥️ After years of therapy, I had never been told what you all said today. Thank you so much
As a gay that has been traumatized by religion and "purity culture" I have to say I was a touch nervous to watch this lol. But this was very well done and I really connected with it! My biggest thing has always been no judgement for people regardless of what their personal beliefs are regarding sex. I personally don't believe in saving myself for marriage (and to answer one of the questions y'all posed I think that would make dating extremely difficult because of how blase sex is viewed in the queer community - which is a whole other conversation) but I think saving yourself is amazing! As long as you want to do it for yourself and your own beliefs. Like you all said, this stuff needs to be talked about more, to remove the taboo, even in religious communities where people do view sex as sacred and want to save themselves for that one special person, because shame and lack of information leads people to make decisions they regret or are uncomfortable with from the start. I could go on and on about how much I loved this, but I'll stop here. Thanks again for speaking on this and I'll def be checking out your podcast episodes!
Hey, I was looking for another queer person to see their reaction to this and I agree with your take that sex is so normalized in the queer community, probably as a response to the shame and repression that a lot of queer people feel about their sexuality, so it’s cool to see the intersection between that and toxic purity culture.
There is literally no regrets to be had in saving yourself, even out of shame from purity culture, as there are literally no downsides to it, as opposed to racking up a notch count and a lifetime of regret.
@@Billy-bc8pk As someone who is part of the queer community (and very much single AND not actively engaging in sex) this is far from true. Queer relationships, if we want to isolate the LGB for convenience sake, also is about love and companionship as much as any straight relationship is. Not to mention asexuals, who literally come together on the basis of lack of sexual enjoyment.
oh wow , thank you so much for this video. I have only just recently left my church because of this topic and I was SA last year in the church which is where you’re meant to be safest!! I now go to an amazing church and am so happy God got me out of that culture , but I’m so glad you guys have voiced this on your platform because other people may not have given church a second chance after that xx
I think it’s so important as people who support and have advocated for waiting until marriage for you all to address the toxic parts of that mentality!
Such a beautiful, thoughtful, loving way of bringing this to light, ladies. I am so grateful for you all! I have heard from Jackie Francois on Ascension Presents videos that the "mission" of men in the Ephesians verse is to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself," and then for a wife to "submit" to her husband is to be "under" this mission (sub - mission). What a good mission to be under! :)
As an atheist I obviously have a very different worldview as you and I don't believe in waiting for marriage because I think it's important to know if you and your partner have similar sex drives and if you're sexually compatible before you get married. It wasn't very long ago that it was acceptable to call women who are even minimally sexually active sluts (it's not acceptable to call extremely sexually active women sluts either) and we have been over correcting to 'fix' that issue by creating a 'sex positive' culture that really just teaches women and girls to not have boundaries. I think being emotional when it comes to sex is seen as a bad thing because being emotional is connected to womanhood and we live in a very misogynistic society. I think it's very normal to connect emotionally to someone you're having sex with and pretending you're not can be traumatizing I think.
This is a great conversation handled so sensitively. You discussed issues that are either hidden or when spoken about there is only one answer and both sides can shame you for not coming to the right conclusion. Whether you are religious or not this video is so helpful for parents and children.
so proud of this talk, I can’t express how comforting it is to know that others have this type of mindset and can be free to talk about traumas and boundaries. thank you.
As a therapist, I think it's more about learning healthy sexuality rather than when or how someone chooses to become sexual active. The question of "when" is a choice people can make based on their values and beliefs, but regardless of when someone chooses to become sexual active with a partner, i would like to see better education so that those experiences are healthy and fulfilling. I often talk with teenagers about these decisions... some questions to examine are what are your beliefs and values around sex, are you able to speak openly to your partner about your desires and boundaries, are you capable of saying no, do you trust your partner.... lots of work on boundaries, shame, and body autonomy that often teens aren't prepared for.... but like you mentioned, marriage doesn't magically fix these issues. I appreciate that yall spoke to your audience about this because there's a huge problem with sexual shame in Christian communities (and generally in our culture) and these issues definitely follow you through life and impact relationships and self esteem long after someone is married.
Marriage doesn't magically fix the issues, but it's a platform upon which two people should be able to communicate on how to explore those issues with one another. The problem with today's culture is that everyone is encouraged to do what they want whenever they feel like it and no one talks about the long-term consequences of how it impacts people (and society at large) due to said consequences. I suppose we're seeing that all play out now with the skyrocketing divorce rates, unhappiness rates, and people's inability to build or maintain connections because it's all about self.
@Billy-bc8pk key word is "should". My point was that these behaviors aren't actually related to martial happiness and success. Regardless of behavior and choices surrounding premarital sex, if you teach that sexual feelings and thoughts are shameful, discourage open communication and exploration of self and set up a dichotomy of men as predatory and women as prey, it doesn't set couples up for a healthy marriage with open communication. Those problems follow people right through their wedding vows. Sexual shame is toxic in relationships, and still exists even when a couple remains "pure" - Often it is worse since the man has been told they can't control themselves and have built up so much sexual frustration and the woman had been told her body is inherently sinful for existing and that she's responsible for any mans sexual urges. It's 0 to 100 overnight..... it's often very traumatic.
@@hkandm4s23You've been watching too much Handmaiden's Tale. That's not how it is at all. No one is telling anyone not to communicate -- but the problem is that majority of society operates in the complete opposite direction where no one has any regard for their own purity and it has spiraled out of control to the point where more relationships fail than not and more people are unhappier than ever before. This has also resulted in a skyrocketing of loneliness. I don't even see how people think that the old way of doing things -- which actually led to successful productivity within society -- is considered bad when you're reaping the benefits of that culture (and ironically, those benefits are about to be nulled when the collapse happens due to the extreme opposite form of that cultural behaviour has been exercised)
@@Billy-bc8pk that's not how it is? Have you spoken with women about this? I have my own history i could tell, but I am not watching TV to get my information.... I'm helping people overcome trauma in therapy, helping couples save their marriages, helping teen girls who have been assaulted unlearn that they are now tainted like a licked cupcake and helping boys learn that touching their body in the shower is not tainting their soul. Teaching kids boundaries and healthy sexuality means they can say no..... boys suddenly stop blaming girls for tempting them and take responsibility for their own actions instead of saying they "just can't help their nature". Girls stop thinking of their body as a shameful thing, just a sex object for men to view. So many women of the past had unfulfilled or traumatizing sex lives in their marriages because purity culture taught them their pleasure was irrelevant and men were taught their wives were supposed to fulfill their every desire at any moment. Trust me I've heard horror stories. They weren't allowed to leave, even when forced to have children back to back, even when physically and emotionally abused. I know the effects that purity culture has very well. If you have discussions with most adults raised like this, especially women, you'll discover the same. My entire point though is that it is not the behavior, it's the education. I want people to be happy and healthy and have fulfilling relationships. Someone raised without good education on sex and to believe in the purity culture mindset is much more likely to be filled with shame and self loathing than someone raised without those toxic beliefs. Often they are more likely to have more problems with promiscuity because it also teaches people to obsess sexually and exposed children to sexual topics far too young. I could go on but I'll just stop there.
@@hkandm4s23That's the problem when people employ an isolationist view based on their own solipsistic tendencies, likely spawned from your own upbringing and the ill-placed lashing out that spawned from the smothered insecurities you perceive to be troublesome. You're bewailing the encounters you've had with people that you perceive to be negatively impacted by purity culture; you're then extrapolating those experiences as some sort of widespread cultural phenomenon, when in reality that is just a small slice of a cultural microcosm that isn't even a blip on the map of the zeitgeist. Do you want to know what he zeitgeist looks like? It's the complete opposite of your anecdotes -- the "over education" of indulgence, which has led to skyrocketing rates of promiscuity, and the lack of shame-culture, the rise of self-seeking pleasure, and the dissolution of the family unit. 73% of people -- despite being more connected than ever -- feel loneliner than ever. 43% of kids are in fatherless homes because most men are now taught to seek satisfaction wherever they can instead of practicing purity. And 40% of kids are born out of wedlock. Indicating that a lot of young women are not adhering to abstinence or refraining from indulging their baser instincts. At the height of purity culture, we were not facing an escalation of lonely, sad, disruptive households the way we are today, in a culture that celebrates depravity.
i was raised in VERY toxic purity culture. i was raised believing i was worthless if i didn’t wait for marriage. the very person who preached this from the pulpit at the church i was raised in was the first person to take advantage of me. once i became an adult and i allowed myself to explore that side of myself with my partner i found it extremely healing. it was a huge time of growth for me. i believe that waiting for marriage can be beautiful when both parties have decided that that is what they want for their lives. me and my partner did not decide that, but it doesn’t make our relationship or anyone else’s relationship any less beautiful and meaningful.
to me, SA doesn’t alter your life because of the importance of s*x but because it’s violent. it’s ALWAYS violent, it’s meant to hurt you (or at least it’s regardless of your comfort). it’s hurting your body and your mind, it’s a violation of your trust, it’s disrespecting you and disregarding you because it’s not consensual, you’re reduced to an object for the abuser . i don’t know how to put it but assault that isn’t se*ual can do that as well. because of course you’re going to react a certain way why you’re being mistreated and it can really stay with you. the high five image doesn’t really work imo and idk i can’t express myself but to sum it up feeling violated, your life being altered if you’re a survivor doesn’t necessarily mean you think s*x is that powerful
I (woman, mid twenties) relate to the whole shaming part, being considered as prude and such - but not because I'm waiting til marriage, I'm asexual and have known that for quite some years now. Means for me I don't have sexual desires and don't experience sexual attraction at all therefore I'd never want to have any sexual experiences - being sa'd or taken advantage of, relationship or not, is honestly my biggest nightmare.. I am not like that because of past trauma or childhood experiences, it's just who I am and still there are so many people out there who shame people like me just because I don't want this experience. At the same time other people get lots of shame for doing it and it just doesn't make any sense to me. Just let everyone decide for themselves and live their life as long as it doesn't hurt anybody
amy is my idol. my empathy is exactly like hers and i get emotional too when i hear things about the world and see the mistreatment of women especially. iv'e been through things myself and it doesn't make me less worthy or unholy in the eyes of god. and then when i see how certain people are in everyone's business preaching their asses off and never working on themselves it makes me very sad.
Words are powerful :) may I implore you to look into idols and looking up to people biblically? It’s great to look up to people but not make them an Idol.❤ and I’m glad your eyes are open! The Bible’s straight forward with many of these topics.
@@shell7142 you can preach this to religious people, and that’s ok. I myself am not a religious person so your perspective doesn’t hold in this space. (Like a child’s perspective on junk food doesn’t hold when conversing with an adult)
Thank you ladies for this! Religious or not; I know a ton of people who could benefit from this. I am much more confident in waiting until marriage now. Such an insightful group of women. I wanna reach thru the screen and hug you all 🥰❤️🤗
Hey girls! I've been watching you for about 10+ years, and have always felt really connected to you all, as I don't have any sisters. I was born and raised Catholic, but grew away from it when I was about 13/14, and I remember you guys started mentioning your religion more at about the same time. I remember feeling sad, up until a few years ago, thinking that you would think less of me because of the decisions I made in life, until this video. Honestly we need more Christians like you being open about these topics, to show that there are some of you that actually get it, and are not judgemental. I loved this video, thank you for it.
Purity culture is probably one huge reason why some people get married so quickly. Could be that they don’t want to be shamed if they want to take their relationship to the next level or can’t wait
I am personally a spiritual, one with the earth/universe kind of gal, was raised going to church and vacation Bible school etc.… I didn’t wait until marriage however I 100% appreciate Christina‘s questions because it’s very important! I have the opinion that doing that with just anyone isn’t good, you swap energies and you are actually doing a vulnerable thing with someone you may or may not know. Whether you process your emotions or not, it is an emotional and spiritual thing to do with a person. I know many women who have gone celibate and did in fact wait until marriage for their person and I think a lot of women or even men, go through that point where they don’t want to give up their bodies and emotions and spirit to just anyone. They want a connection. Love. I appreciate you girls so much for sitting down and speaking about this.
This was a really empathetic and kind way to approach a sensitive topic. Loved the points made critisizing both sides. I completely agree. Thanks for making this video.
Respect is key. There are plenty of meaningless/not “sacred” experiences I can have that would leave me feeling disrespected and regretful (like a bad experience with customer service). Both people being intimate should, yes, consent to what’s happening, AND they should respect each other. I believe this holds inside and outside of marriage.
I really wish my younger self could have watched this video! Growing up in a non-Christian household I feel like I didn’t get much guidance on this topic. It’s very refreshing the way you guys talked about it especially because I find it easy to feel shame now that I am a Christian in this topic from others. You guys spoke very well and kind about it and gave a lot of good questions for someone to think about.
As a teenager I wanted to wait until marriage. My boyfriend at the time had no standards about purity. His feelings were so strong that I gave in to his needs. I suffered from it for years, but luckily we could also talk about it a lot. We are now married and have a healthy (sexual) relationship. It has cost a lot of sacrifices for both to look honestly at ourselves and at faith. Fortunately, we both believe that God is merciful. Be kind to yourself, there are already enough people who don't. Lots of love to everyone who tells their story here! ,❤️
I think this is so interesting and love that you’re bringing up these topics. I personally did not wait until marriage and have no regrets but I also had I think somewhat of a rare scenario where I was in a relationship for a long time and had so many in-depth conversations about sex before ever doing anything. I was a teen and the way my girlfriend and I treated sex was very uncommon and different from the people around us.
I wish that kind of healthy communication in a relationship was discussed and taught and encouraged more for teens and all people. and I think the shame y’all mentioned is a huge barrier to that.
The thing is, you'll never be able to create a family in that relationship nor bond over that family, so it's just something you do just to feel pleasure. It also binds you to that person but not for the intent of a long-term connection to build a lineage (which isn't possible in your case). So obviously, the expectations, connections, and fruitions of the relationship are going to be completely different.
Thank you girls for this!! As a spaniard catholic myself, I find my self always explaining what waiting for marriage because you really want to is, and debunking all this awful things that have been installed in purity culture. Love you all!!
I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) and have experienced toxic purity culture, but that always comes from the people in the church, not the gospel itself. My parents raised me to understand how Jesus Christ would want me to feel about myself and my value, and that what people in the church do is not actually a reflection of how God and Jesus Christ feel about us. My mom grew up with lessons just like the ones you talked about, one comparing a woman who had sex before marriage to a chewed up piece of gum. Absolutely awful. Luckily I grew up around adults in the church who wanted young women and girls to know exactly what our worth was. When I was like 14 we had a lesson where they presented us with a $20 bill and asked us how much it was worth. We said $20. Then they crumpled it up, spit on it, stomped on it, did all kinds of things to it and then asked us what the value was now. We said still $20. They asked us if we still wanted it knowing everything that had been done to it. We said yes, because it’s still worth $20. Nothing had changed. This was how they taught us that no matter what happens to us or what choices we make, there is nothing that could change our value or make us worth any less. Like Katherine said, you’re a child of God and that value is constant. Christianity/religion isn’t for everyone and I respect everyone’s right to make decisions that bring them peace, but if you are a Christian, you believe in a Savior that suffered and died for our sins, mistakes, sorrows, and pains. He didn’t do that so that we could judge each other. This is the Savior that approached a woman who was being shamed by her entire community for committing adultery and he told he did not condemn her. The Savior that sat at a dinner table with individuals that everyone else shunned and condemned as sinners, and when questioned why he would do such a thing, used multiple parables about recovering something treasured that had been lost to convey the absolute joy that he felt that these people even wanted to sit with him and talk with him. He knew where they’d been, what they’d done and what they’d been through but that didn’t change his love for them and it didn’t change their value. If you are a current or former Christian who has been hurt by the culture that these girls are talking about, know that your worth to your Savior and your Heavenly Father is, always was and always will be the same.
Im a member as well and I'm very thankful to see the church pushing towards conversations like this video. I'm very thankful that my youth lessons were not like what's described here, and more about what virtue is, and what it means for both men and women. I had a seminary teacher that yelled "I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. SEX IS AWESOME. Not gross. Not dirty. Awesome. And it's worth the wait." And then we had an awesome lesson on the law of chastity. Very positive and very un-shameful. It made me excited to get married 😂😂and not ashamed of sexual feelings that do come up, as a woman. I'm thankful that other members are having the same experience as we're moving forward because I know how our Heavenly Parents view our bodies is not how it was talked about in the past.
Y’all got me crying… as a young woman and mom, who has been assaulted at a young age and had my first child at 16 AND a Christian - I never felt shame, but my father definitely tried to instill fear in me because of it. But I had my baby, so happily and then graduated high school and now I have a lovely husband, 2 beautiful boys, bought our first home at 21 years old and we have a beautiful, blessed life. We are ALL sinners, no one is perfect but we are ALL loved. No matter what. Thank y’all for speaking on this!!!!
So interesting and so important video, well done and thank you 💪 My little addition : it's never too late to ask to yourself all these questions and to change your mind. It's better to start on the path you actually want but if you didn't really take the time to think about any of this before and now you do, whatever where you are in life, it's never too late. Or if people made the decisions for you and now you want to be free and independent, in either way, like Amy said, take the time for yourself to discover what you really think is best for you. And much love and support to the survivors out there 🙏
I appreciated this discussion and, as someone spiritual and non-religious. We can take on each other’s trauma, emotions, and the like subconsciously, consciously, or intuitively in a typical fashion of simply existing. I also believe that that is possible regarding something as important as having sexual relations, even for those from a more scientific standpoint. Such as the notion “we’re all made of energy.” Thus with each interaction we have with another person, a part of us is being shared and vice versa. Therefore, I believe we should focus on whether someone is stable enough as an individual and a human being before they decide to exchange their “energy” with another. And extending that same consideration externally toward someone we like or initially believe we love so we can go beyond the concept/modern construct of marriage in general and rule out any issues at the root before they can evolve into something harmful down the line.
18:58 I felt that. I don't remember ever having conversations about what happens *after* you get married, how you handle "bad bad bad bad bad, good." It doesn't make any sense. I've been married almost a year, and I still struggle with initiating with my husband! What is wrong with this picture? What kind of toxicity got showed at me all those years ago that stayed with me for over 20 years... and now I have to just ... what, let go? Somehow, instantly? I'm all about waiting till marriage, but I'm not all about shaming girls into feeling like we are the problem, that guys never play a role in not respecting our desire to wait. Not to mention the very real fact that conversations aren't had about how to go from not giving into those very human, God-given desires, so we can learn how to do so in healthy ways.
Periodtttttt. I feel like this topic is so important yet so unspoken. Man this culture is so godless nowadays and I’m so grateful that you guys are willing to speak up about it!
I really hope they gradually start having more conversations about God :) I already like this channel a lot, if that happens they'd become extreme top tier
I also grew up in a household that talked about waiting for marriage but it was never actually talked about what sex was and what it can entail. When I was 11 my dad gave me a purity ring. With that came a letter of his love for me and why God wants to protect me (which again comes from the idea that parents think they’re doing the right thing. I wish the letter spoke more on how sex causes changes in your brain when it’s happening to where you form spiritual ties to that person. Which I’ve seen is why people break up and get back together a lot of the time. I’m married now and didn’t wait for marriage, but now having sex within a marriage I see it all so differently. I see why it’s a good thing to wait on within boundaries of love, trust, and a covenant. I think the mystery of it all made it more enticing to know about, so once it’s my turn with kids I definitely want to expose the mystery to my kids so they have the full understanding. Thanks for this conversation girls!!!
I am SO grateful that you guys are talking about this. Especially in regards to SA. From around age 3 or 4 until I was about 14 or 15 my maternal Grandfather did multiple things to me that are considered SA. It broke my heart and made me feel like I did something wrong. I would learn in sunday school that you are broken if you did something etc. but they never talked about consent, I didn't give my grandpa consent to touch me the way he did, I didn't give him permission to give me anxiety and ignore any boundaries I had. They didn't talk about how you still have worth when someone does something to you. Kids need to know that they are worthy of love, they are not broken if they make a mistake or someone else hurts them. I am still trying to undo what I was taught and accept that through Jesus I am not broken, I am healing. And I didn't do anything wrong. It is NOT your fault if someone hurts you, I don't care what they tell you or lead you to believe.
I also think the conversation could be about waiting until you're an adult in a long term loving relationship. I know religion always puts the expectation of marriage on young women, but you don't have to be in a marriage to be in a healthy trusting relationship as an adult.
what a necessary video, especially coming from girls with a big young public! very clarifying and respectful, with no messed up beliefs, thank you guys 🤍
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At 20, I get a lot of grief about not drinking, smoking, going to parties, and not having a boyfriend. I just wish people could stop putting so much pressure on it, and let people do their own thing. Thank you for that message Amy about being on our own path, and all of you for speaking about this♥️
I have similar experiences especially since everyone I know drinks and smokes. I'm the weirdo drinking coffee at a party while everyone is getting drunk, lol.
We're not similar in that sense but I don't like any one trying to shove beliefs on otheres no matter what side of the line we may stand
@@eiilzz I feel this! I have never been interested in that, in general. Even though I get judged, I don't see it getting me farther in life, lol. (That's not to say I haven't ever had a drink for example, but I guess I'm not interested in always getting drunk, idk!
@@hillmidget1326 Literally! I hate the shame associated with not doing it, in particular. Called a goody too shoes, etc. Like maybe I just don't wanna smoke lol. As you said- live your life!
In another 15 years no one will care about those things AT ALL but you will care whether you made the choices that were right for you 💖
I wish Dani was here for this conversation 🥺 I know she had some opinions on this as well. It's so nice to see you guys open up and talk about these topics. Hope to see this more ❤️❤️❤️
Wow Amy really hit me with “nobody else has to go to bed at night thinking about the decisions that YOU made”
Thanks for some free therapy talk ladies!
I love this. Definitely holding it close to my heart.
@Abigail Sulpizo: That's not true, though, because many big decisions you make do affect other people. I mean, in a trivial sense, every decision that affects other people probably affects you also, but that's not something to tell the people you affect. Of course decisions affect you, because you are trying to serve your self-interest, but people will object when that conflicts with them. And they might, indeed, think about how your decisions affected them. If someone is looking for purity, then they will be thinking about your decisions when determining compatibility.
In any case, at this point, if purity culture can be toxic, then I guess pretty much any ideal can be toxic at this point, because even if it's a positive goal, people who don't want to work to achieve it can still find fault with it. Can tolerance culture be toxic, too? Maybe, if people are shoving it down your throat and defining your personhood based on it and ignoring the rest of your life. Maybe people don't want their life to be interrupted by always having to be tolerant, just like people don't want to live their life interrupted by always having to be pure. Always having to be good. It can drain people, but this applies to much more than just purity, and can apply to any left-wing or right-wing ideal potentially.
At this point, labeling something as toxic seems to say more about you than the thing that you're labeling.
@@derekg5563 Your comment seems to imply that purity is equal to goodness. That’s the exact reason WHY it’s toxic. Girls grow up being taught that their worth is determined by their body and if it’s good enough for a man. When many women who grew up with purity culture eventually do get married, they still can’t shake the feeling of “sex = bad” and they feel guilt and shame around it. They don’t let themselves enjoy it as they still think, whether consciously or subconsciously, that enjoying it is sinful.
As a woman who grew up with purity culture, I can say first hand it’s harmful. It can be harmful for men too. I’ve seen that first hand. If someone wants to decide to wait, that is wonderful when it’s THEIR choice and not something they’ve been pushed and shamed into.
Do you want to increase your subscribers and viwes DM me
What do you mean by S A. What is it?
I'm not religious at all but am a believer that everyone should be able to get along, regardless of beliefs. I have so much respect for you ladies for discussing this and being so vulnerable. I didn't know the ins and out of toxic purity culture but work with young people and see purity rings OFTEN without knowing what that entails. You are changing a LOT of young lives by sharing your stories. Thank you ❤️
I’m a Muslim and it’s so hard to find people online that can talk about these things without feeling judged! I’ve definitely felt judgement on both sides .. for waiting and for ‘not being pure enough’ .. thank you so much for being so open, creating such a safe community and encouraging people to share ❤
I stand with you!
@@ameliatri5869 🥰🤍
Hi dear, I'm a Muslim as well! And I completely understand what you're going through. With family it's always this pressure to be pure and not talk about anything but with friends or even strangers, it's weird if you've never been intimate with somebody because you were taught to believe it will ruin you! So I understand completely. And these girls created such a safe space to be open
girl you should know those girls are against your believes and are raised by ismlaophobe
Also Muslim and totally agree with your comment
I’m completely nonreligious, and this was very refreshing! I applaud your open-mindedness
I TOTALLY agree
Agree!
I always wonder if I’m the only nonreligious person who loves Cimorelli 🙈
Nope! I’m in this club too haha
I wonder as well
I am still waiting till marriage but I don't care what you do with your life.
I was raised to wait until marriage. I didn’t wait until marriage but I did wait until I was with someone who I loved and who I knew loved me. I don’t regret it at all. A lot of people talk about how awkward their first time was. And while I was nervous, it def wasn’t awkward. It went about as well as I could’ve wanted it to go.
THIS! This is what it should be about! Thank you!
and for everyone it’s a different experience. i support waiting. but i also didn’t wait. i did have sex with my husband before marriage. but regardless of pleasure sexually i am with him for so so so much more. we are not sexual much at all.
This is my exact same experience. Very happy with my decisions but respectful of those of others.
I was raised in a household that wasn't that religious. Later on became a christain and I personally wanted to wait until marriage. But once I met someone who loved me and who I knew loved me. I didn't regret my choice cause I knew I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I'm just happy I know I'm not alone with this decision.(But do I know it's sinful. Yes but I've been getting better with it)
Thank you for sharing your story. The real question is are we obeying God when doing something He has forbidden us to do? We can indeed do whatever we want when we want and with who we want but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. God has set a good frame for sexual relationship and it's within marriage. I hope you'll Meditate on the words of God and He will show you His will for your life. God bless you!
Thank you for this video. I'm 30 and I'm waiting until marriage. I get so much grief from people for my choice to wait. I have been bullied since I was a teen about my decision to not have sex, drink, or do drugs. It just blows my mind how people think what I do with my body is any of their business but I'm constantly called a prude, asked if I'm gay, asked if it's because I'm fat, and many other things. Thankfully as an adult I've learned to brush it off but when I was younger things like that hurt me so badly. I hope and pray that this video reaches the people that are struggling and need to hear these words. Thank you again for talking about this.
I admire your self control!
The fact that people actually know about your sex life is so weird to me. I feel like this is something so private. Alcohol and drugs that's different, it shows. But sex? People don't want to know how you brush your teeth, why would they mind if you are having sex 🙄
(On a personal note, if you are into it, sex is really nice practiced from 1 to I guess as many people as you like, never forget that 😅 Also, I totally understand the wait until marriage and I kind of admire you to keep it up because my curiosity got the best of my motivation lol. I don't regret it because it taught me a lot of things about myself but I wonder what would have happened had I waited...)
Absolutely identify with this comment. Thank you for sharing! I’m 27 soon to be 28. Still waiting, not ashamed ♥️
Waited until 28 but not married, you do you ❣️
It is inspiring to see that you have waited because it helps me to know that I can too and have others who understand my choice.
Here's another important thing... Even if for some reason you didn't wait until marriage... YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!
💯💯💯
Yesss
Yup and you can mess up and still go back to not want to have sex until marriage.
Yeah, but changing your mind means you don't get a high-value mate who has standards who did not change their mind. So if you have a high notch count, don't be surprised if a high value mate may not want to commit due to past decisions.
@@AntibeautyguruBut it doesn't change your past.
Thanks, this was so interesting to watch. I’m a Christian and have struggled with navigating this topic for such a long time. My husband and I waited for marriage and we’re both really glad that we did, and have no regrets. But that doesn’t mean that we weren’t impacted by the toxicity of purity culture - it’s had a lasting effect on both of us personally and as a married couple. I want to teach our kids what we believe without pushing them into a culture that seems to devalue women, crush personal autonomy, diminish consent and put such a heavy focus on sexual sin. It’s such a loaded topic and I think you handled it really well - definitely gave me a lot of food for thought! 😊
It's a personal choice and I respect the various opinions on this. I personally feel like I'm not a wait until marriage person but I am however a wait until the relationship feels like it's going in the right direction and the commitment with each other is clear.
@molly why is that disgusting?
Teaching to wait till marriage is disgusting?
I fully agree! It is and it’s partly because of the purity culture and heavy Christianism
@@ebrooke953 i think molly meant if its your choice to wait until marriage that's great but teaching your children to wait till marriage by using the methods mentioned in the video is disgusting
@molly Ohh gotcha, I 100% agree with you. In your original comment I wasn't sure if "teaching *that* to your children" meant teaching the purity culture stuff or allowing them to make their own informed, autonomous decisions. I definitely grew up with a less intense version of purity culture dogma, and the shame that comes with it is so hard to outgrow. It's so messed up.
I’m a woman who is very in tune with her spirituality. I’m also a woman who is very in tune with her sexuality! I made the decision a long time ago to wait until I’m married- very similarly to what Christina said- because that’s what makes the most sense for me in my life! It’s been very hard to navigate sexual urges because I grew up being taught that sex is dirty and bad. I’m finally at a place in life where I understand that sexuality is an innate part of who I am as a woman and as a human being and there is nothing wrong with having sexual feelings or desires! It’s literally a part of our biology for crying out loud! I don’t have the mindset that sex is dirty or bad anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind about waiting. I still believe that it is the best decision for me, but I am sooooo thankful that I’ve done the work to deconstruct all of the shame and guilt that I grew up feeling! It’s been so healing and freeing for me!
I agree! I have been told the same things and am also waiting. I know it’s going to be hard and seem long at times but I know it’ll be worth it.
The shame is a barrier to help people avoid making bad decisions. It's good you have been able to navigate these difficult roadblocks without giving in, but it's also not just about shame it's also about connections. Because once you do make that physical connection, it's permanent and forever, and it's important that if you want to make a serious connection with someone for the rest of your life, to make sure you do it with the person you marry.
@@Billy-bc8pkI promise you, there ain’t no permanent connections here. Your comments fall into the vein of toxicity that’s addressed in this very video lmao.
@@heatherknoxt The studies about oxytocin and the counterintuitive trends associated with pre-marital relations actually says otherwise. And sadly, people like to deny those studies to maintain hedonistic patterns that only make life harder for them and any potential future relationships.
Thank you for this video. I’m just now getting back in church with my 3 year old as a single mom. 21, Never married, not in a relationship when I got pregnant.
It’s been hard to get back into church because of the judgment. Thankfully I’m in a place where I’m confident and proud of my daughter.
I’m now saved again and feel more worth than before. Now waiting for marriage as well. It’s been so healing on my mind and soul and relationship with God.
Thankfully I don’t have those kinds of people around me with this toxic culture.
That's not your church. Find another church were you don't feel like that
@@biancadupree I think what I should of mentioned was this is my home church. Where I grew up. I think I was insecure and felt others would judge. Not that they were. I think that’s where my words mixed up. My church even threw me a baby shower. They have been so gracious to me and were so happy to see me and my daughter in church. I think there was healing in my own head I had to go through to get to where I am.
But that was a thought in my head, that this wasn’t the church for me. I just didn’t even give it a try before throwing judgment on others that they would return that judgment.
I was saving myself for marriage and was happy and had peace with my decision. Then, when I was 19, I was a victim of SA. I immediately felt worthless, felt dirty, and like my decision to stay pure had been stolen. I never respected my body again. If only I had heard something like this video then, I could've continued to stay pure despite being a victim. At the time, I thought my choice had been made for me by that man. But despise the hurt, judgement, and loss of friendships I've had to endure, I hope that somebody that might be feeling like I had will hear this and know their worth! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry you went through that. You are seen, known, and loved! You are not dirty and deserve kindness and respect. 🫶
Almost the same story as you... 19. The decision was made for me while wearing my purity ring. Took it off and it ultimately left me a single mom by 23. Which that itself was a result of sa. Now at 26 while not waiting I am in a period of not. To give myself a moment to figure out what I want
@Alisha H May I ask you what the term SA means in regards to this video / discussion. I am unfamiliar with it and I did Google it but tons of meanings came up for the SA initials , I dont know what it means. Thanks.
@@thejupiter2574 I don’t know if I’m in a place to say what it means or if I can because TH-cam might tag me but it has to do with someone being harmed a certain way from another person in an uncomfortable way
@@thejupiter2574 sexual assualt
I do not believe in waiting until marriage but I just feel like “purity” is such a bad word to describe this…. it feels like if you don’t do wait, you’re not pure??? what does that even mean
exactly thisss
on point ☝🏼
Because you have to come full circle that in ancient times when A woman’s honor Was based upon holding onto her virginity in marrying well, because if she didn’t hold onto her virginity, nobody would marry her except the person that took her virginity. He was obligated to marry her he’d be dead and so was she. Thank God that we’re not under the law of Moses anymore but purity is not a bad word it has to do with your perspective
Well you’re not 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t wait and I’m not “pure” I have a strong faith but that’s not something I waited for it doesn’t mean my relationship with God is less and I kind of wish I did wait but I didn’t … but purity is just a word and it’s appropriate
I mean God says your body is not your own it belongs to him, He also says that sex is a gift from Him to married couples only. It's not to say you're a bad person at all if you don't wait till marriage but it is a mortal sin against the body of Christ and the physical body here on earth. I mean if you don't want to participate in the religious following God, that's your decision but yes to these people and myself sexual immorality is impure. Hope this helps you understand our pov, God bless you ❤️
Aww Amy! Sorry I heard her crying in her speech on point 3, and I'm like "give the princess a hug!" Same for Lauren, the moment I heard her sadness after Amy's turn, I wanted to give her a hug.
Sorry, when someone goes sad, I wanted to reach out and make them feel better.
Also thanks for today's vid, you ladies really had good points regarding this topic and I give yall kudos for it!
Thank you guys for this so much. I’m often embarrassed to tell people I am Christian because of the toxicity and how people use the bible to put others down. As I grow up, I’m working on mending my relationship with God apart from how I grew up. This video is giving me so much hope as I continue this journey!!
I agree! A lot of people paint Christians as like the too nice of people or the unfun people, or like there are toxic and horrible people who say that they are Christian and put us in a bad light.
As someone who grew up in a non-religious home and then became a Christian throughout childhood, I always like to say this to people.
Stop looking for the times people acted ungodly, and start looking for how God moved throughout your life. Your past, your present, and your future. Who entered your life that made a difference? How did you make it through a situation? Was God there even though you may not have acknowledged him at the time?
It is so easy to focus on the negative that people do.
Asking myself those questions have really helped me be grateful for when and how God moved in my life. I hope your journey is going well. ❤
I really appreciate this. I was sexually assaulted three time within a three month span when I was fifteen. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant, but it took me five years to even go to the police about it. My family still doesn’t know about it because I’m too scared they will judge me because my mom was very sexually promiscuous so I know they will think I had it coming. It is still hard for me today to feel as though I am still worthy to God because of a bad youth pastor who said we have it coming for how we dress or act. I am always in baggy clothes that cover me and keep my head down because I’m so terrified that if I am seen, then it will happen again. But hearing Amy and Lauren getting so emotional and Kat and Christina saying it’s not my fault and how the candy pieces is an awful illustration. It made it feel like I do still have worth and that God doesn’t look at me as some damaged, unworthy person. Also, with the consent thing, it matters because my ex wouldn’t take no for an answer and I would cry myself to sleep because I honestly just felt used. Like Kat was saying it a manipulation thing because he would get angry and punch my bed and yell at me, knowing I was severely abused as a child, and he knew I wanted to wait until marriage, but he pushed to the point I was too scared to say no. Then for so many months after it was like emotional abuse until I finally gave in. Which has also added trauma and this feeling of not being worthy. I know I can’t take my virginity back, but since leaving him I am trying to heal and recommit to wait until marriage. And my first kiss wasn’t until I was like twenty, but the social pressure was enormous and it was crazy how people looked down on my for it. Also, thank you for talking about this subject. 🖤
Jesus loves you and sees you pure 💗
I think you’re worthy enough to God no. I think he would forgive you God forgives everybody whether you were sexually harassed or not whether it was this guy’s fault or not I don’t know. But God forgives and I think you’d be very worthy of him
You have so much value as a person! ❤ God loves you and longs to have a relationship with you.
I'm so sorry that you endured such horrific abuse, including the abuse and manipulation by your ex. You NEVER deserved to be treated like that. God loves you more than you could ever imagine. Your worth has NOT been diminished, nor can it be diminished. If you have not yet sought professional help, please do so. You deserve to be properly supported. You deserve to heal. You deserve to be free to live your best life! Never give up. Never forget that you are so very LOVED....no matter what. You are a TRUE BLESSING in this messed up world of ours. Thank you for sharing with us. Praying for you and sending you much ❤. Take good care & God bless.
God loves you no matter what. Never think otherwise. No one can dim your light. Show them you can't be taken down because you have the strongest entity in the universe on your side.❤
I very much agree with everything y'all are saying. I didn't grow up in the christian culture as a child. but when I found the Lord in college and now 9 years in, that culture has easily come on me as a single adult. A have a strong passion to be a part of helping the church change and actually address purity culture in the way that is more to how Jesus would. That women have sexual feelings just as men, that shame shouldn't be the tool, and that there is always restoration. AND if the church continues to not want to talk about it, then we are going to continue to be educated about sexuality by our culture around us, and that is NOT what we want. Let's normalize these conversations.
You ladies are doing great, and I'm so thankful for you using your platform to bring this message to more people.
Love this topic! So hard you’re right but so important. I was SA at 16 and literally lived in I’m worthless until I was 18. I was wild and just didn’t care what happened to me after that. I was not a Christian until I was 25 years old. Pregnancy is a worry for teens however I was 18 when I got pregnant unplanned and not with someone I would ever dream of having a child with. My First son changed my life forever. Of course right?! But more than that I was so heavy into drugs, unhealthy sex and alcohol. The second I found I was pregnant I stopped everything enrolled full time in college once again and got a job and my own place. I honestly told the dad I was doing this pregnancy alone or he could participate. Unfortunately I decided to marry him…an alcoholic who still did drugs. It ended in both DV and SA yet again. Then I found a man who I later understood was emotionally physically abusive. I couldn’t see it when I was with him. I was told I could not get pregnant again due to massive medical issues well surprise 1 day later and yep 💥 pregnant 🤦♀️ Lol! But ya know what he left when my second son was just 9 months old. He wasn’t a great husband but he IS A GREAT DAD!! I found Jesus through that divorce! I was so lost so so just emotionally an absolute wreck! I found MYSELF in Jesus and ONLY then I was I able to both give and accept true love. I now have been married for 17 years have 4 just out of this world AMAZING boys! 2 “bio” (though we don’t recognize blood 🩸 in the family) and 2 bonus sons. They are now 26,25,22 and 19! We have been so so blessed for sure! My husband has always and is still so so so patient because I still have issues with some sexual things and relationships things. Looking back I’d have loved to wait until marriage knowing how I believe now as a Christian HOWEVER my son saved my life…I mean he saved my life! And I KNOW he was a gift from God and definitely a 2x4 over the head. Now did it fully work on coming to Jesus right then absolutely not~~yet~~BUT it was part of the path that lead me to him. Still today I believe in praying those “dangerous prayers” (awesome book btw Dangerous Prayers 😉 ). I pray for patience Lol! And I pray for 2x4s because I am absolutely stubborn as can be and honest to goodness sometimes I need that 2x4 answer from God to whip me into shape. My husband still struggles because he didn’t have a father that lead the family even in the slightest. He was an alcoholic also but has since changed his life. He’s still quiet and reserved and mom runs the roost. Regardless of how I feel about their dynamics I’m tired of some Christian teachings degrading men for not being the proper and good leader of the family. It takes us both!! We are both children of God and we are honest to goodness each other’s biggest accountability partners beyond anyone else. One of My sons now has 2 kids and they neither one want to get married. Do I love it not so much HOWEVER they are adults and it is their choice. They will NEVER get judgement from me as his parent. We talk and have great conversations around it BUT I don’t push too hard. Nothing positive will come from that. Soooo those that choose to wait I think that’s awesome 👏 BUT if you don’t and even if you don’t wait and you get pregnant there is still greatness in this life for you. Every single thing we do in life eventually builds character hope and love with Jesus BUT it also equips us to help others! These are my absolute favorite Bible verses especially as a chronically ill woman, mama and wife. It’s hard to see your purpose honestly as anyone but when your sick constantly shew. I’ll share because the beauty of these 2 groups of scripture is just unmatchable imo ❤ 🙏🏻
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Rom.5.1,Rom.5.2,Rom.5.3,Rom.5.4,Rom.5.5&version=NLT
Best imo coupled with….. ❤
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2Cor.1.3,2Cor.1.4,2Cor.1.5,2Cor.1.6,2Cor.1.7&version=NLT
Much love to everyone and NEVER judgement from me. Always find someone “safe” to talk with because NO ONE should ever tear you down for being open. ❤ 🙏🏻
Toxic purity left me in terrible a relationship for far too long. I felt that since I wasn’t “pure” anymore, I had to stay with this one person, even though it eventually be abusive. I’m so glad I found the strength to leave, and it took me a long time to realize that my worth was so much more than my virginity. I found a new partner, we’re not each others firsts, and we’ve been deeply in love for over five years, and I will never ever teach our future children to stay in a toxic place with someone because of a decision they’ve made based on their sexuality. Thank you for being so open and non judgemental. It took me a while to love myself after that relationship and rebuild my own feelings of self worth after having sex outside of marriage when I was taught it should only happen between husband and wife. It’s not a belief I hold any longer, but I respect all those who did wait. Sex is still something that is sacred and private to me, and absolutely still special. Im happy to be outside of that toxic purity culture and I respect you girls for discussing it, while also discussing that you waited. It was so refreshing to hear someone that’s waited to say, “it’s still your choice!”
Sounds like you just chose the wrong person. That's your fault and his
Yes. Thank you. This needs to be talked about.
My husband and I waited until marriage as well! We weren’t flawless, but definitely felt like that was the right decision for us! Thank you for sharing this message. It is SO important!!
As someone that is not religious and doesn't personally believe in waiting till marriage (I respect those that do) but I feel like s3x is definitely meaningful and powerful regardless. It makes me feel powerful and confident as a woman knowing that I am making my own choices and doing something that makes me feel good both physically and mentally. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with s3x before marriage and sharing yourself with more than one person through your lifetime because it allows you to learn so many things about yourself that you otherwise may not and can also be helpful in things outside of just s3x. I did wait longer than most (I was 21) and I am definitely a much more happy and confident person now than I was before I started having s3x. That being said, it is obviously important to be safe. ❤️
THIS. Couldn't agree more. I also didn't start until I was 21. I was raised religious and then left the church. Exploring my body and sexuality was so healing.
I hope Lisa is ok....praying for her husband's health
THE WHOLE NATION NEEDS TO WATCH THIS!!!
THE WHOLE *WORLD* NEEDS TO WATCH THIS!! ❤
Absolutely!!!
Agreed I totally agree.
This is feminist garbage
It's a super topic! I (19) have decided to keep my mental, physical and emotional purity for my future husband, the one God has chosen for me.
Thanks girls for covering these topics too! Blessings
NGL. I feel like this needs to be said. Lauren and amy getting chocked up about it made me wanna jump through the screan and give you all a hu. BTW missing lisa, shes so strong for what her and her hubby are going through. plus her little minion. love you all millions xxx
This is why you guys have been my role models for over 10 years ❤
Thank you so much for making this. I’m so tired of people using religion to be sexist and bigoted.
As far as the first question about whether it has has meaning, I feel like it can be very individual. I would imagine for most people sex is something that is emotional, vulnerable, intimate, etc., however not for everyone. I think it’s important to remember that people experience sex drive, sexual attraction, and sexual desire in different ways and combinations. This gets even more complex when paired with the multitude of other forms of attraction such as romantic, sensual, platonic, which will also have their own distinctions between desire and attraction. It is also important to remember that just because you don’t understand how people experience people and the world, it doesn’t mean they are lying, confused, or a possible experience for some people. I think these are just some important things to consider when discussing this question.
Has it ever crossed your minds that not everybody's goal in life is to get married in their 20s or 30s or maybe at all? 🤭You can experience exactly the kind of physical relationship you desire in all stages of life. It can be casual, it can be committed and it can be meaningful either way. I think sex is a beautiful way to connect with yourself and others and no label or relationship status determines or guarantees how you feel during or after. In my opinion it comes down to mutual respect and open communication. So whenever you are ready for that and you feel confident in your ability to set and value boundaries and honor your own needs and wishes as well as those of another person I think you are in a good place to share your sexuality.
i hope you watched their entire video before commenting
I completely agree with you and also, I think this whole purity thing is quite toxic in itself... no offence to anyone wanting to wait till marriage, but there are so many cases of people who wait, and then it doesn't work out for them or they find out they have different preferences than their partner. And then their marriage falls appart or they forcefully stay married even though it doesn't work for them. If you can't find out that you connect not only on an emotional but also physical level, then marriage won't work. After all, marriage is a ring on each ones finger, it doesn't magically change the relationship you have with your partner lol. I'm not saying it doesn't work for anyone, but there is such a big expectation for people who wait and there is an even bigger pressure if it doesn't work out for them. I can't imagine marrying someone and not knowing if sex will be good with them or not.
Käthe, since you didn't watch the video, the main point is that being on either polar end is damaging- and you are firmly on one of the polar ends, shaming and dehumanizing everyone who doesn't agree with you. Toxic.
This video felt like a mini-podcast! That was such an interesting topic and I agreed with all you said, even if I'm not religious! The amount of time I clapped alone in front of my screen screaming "Preach !" was insane ! Also, I'd like to thank you for showing a healthy and good side of religion that I thought disappeared. I sadly only see the toxic side of the media, mostly the internet. Having your videos and takes on those kinds of topics is very refreshing, I don't see enough religious people talking about it!
My respect for you guys, that was already so high, has just skyrocketed. You guys handled this topic absolutely beautifully and judgement free, and I really hope that people of all ages watch this and feel empowered
YES! I so respect you all for talking about this and thank you sooo much for not being afraid to share your beliefs on it, especially since they're so counter-cultural! I love how you explained everything and just gave some great questions for everyone to think deeper about. 👏❤
So refreshing to hear this discussion in a way I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. I am so grateful all of this was shared! I love how it’s not “this is what YOU should do” “this is the right thing to do” but instead sharing your perspectives and encouraging the process of questioning everything and going on this journey for ourselves. I did this for myself awhile back and unfortunately came across a LOT of toxic, deeply harmful purity culture videos along the way so I am SO grateful you all made this video and said what needed to be said ❤
This needs to be said!!! I love this favorite topic
I think part of the issue is a lack of continual conversations. Parents wait until their kid is a teen and then they briefly say sex is bad or don’t get pregnant etc. This needs to be a continuing conversation. With an explanation of why these are your families values.
I am so excited for this video.❤ I'm a 20 year old girl and I'm saying myself for marriage and I cannot wait to receive your imput of the topic.🙏
I have been a follower and subscriber for years but I haven’t actively watched your videos in a year or so. I just saw this video in my subscriptions and I’m so happy I took the time to click on it. I respect y’all so much more now knowing that you don’t support such toxic beliefs. Thank you for speaking up about something so important! ❤️
TW : SA/Rape
I was raped in 2013 when I was 14 or 15 years old. I wore a purity ring until then. I truly thought that after that, I was dirty and used up. So I continued to let men use me for a few months after (before going to therapy and realizing I was wrong) because I thought the damage was already done and I couldn’t take it back so I might as well go ahead and go wild and crazy. I also thought it had to be my fault because I was wearing shorts. I wish I had someone I looked up to back then to tell me these same things. If you are reading this and you’re in a similar position, please know you’re not dirty or unworthy of love and respect. And above all else, please know it’s not your fault. ❤️
Omg I’m so so sorry. This truly breaks my heart. I hope you were able to find/are finding healing! You didn’t deserve that and did absolutely nothing wrong. Again, I am so deeply sorry you had to endure something so evil. I wish you all the best and am praying for you 💗😭
I am so sorry that this happened to you. You’re in my prayers, God bless❤
I think it was your comment they read in the podcast and girl, thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine is very very similar and you putting words to everything helped my healing in ways I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words. Thank you ♥️
Wow, you guys brought up some good points also it is none of anyone's business what you do with your body.
I follow you guys for a long time, and despite of my personal opinion about it, I think it's so important that you guys are bringing this conversation here, specially because you have young people as followers, so kudos to you.
I agree on this topic 140% agree. Still saving myself for the right guy whoever he is even though I’m 44 years old God knows that I am still saving myself or knows maybe I won’t find them who knows I don’t know but God does❤
I hope you find him ❤❤❤
I have watched you guys for almost 10 years and I am so happy that you guys are using this platform for good! Thank you for spreading such a powerful message!
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about this so with so much vulnerability and grace and kindness
Christina pointed out there aren’t a lot of people online putting out this perspective and I completely agree. it’s so amazing to see you guys tackle this topic. So much love for y’all!!!
Respect to you girls for using your platform to talk about what matters even if it isn't easy. Thank you for that. I'm curious to hear more of your own personal journies and stories about purity and how you came to that decision. Also wish I could hear Lisa's take!!
When I was growing up in said toxic culture, a lot of people who were SA'd (or hadn't waited) saw it as "too late" for them, and in response began to almost hyper-fixate on sex. It was the thought of, "Well, it already happened, and because that makes me worthless now, I might as well drown myself with it." They thought if they were gonna be thrown away anyway, then they should "play the part". It was utterly heartbreaking but as a victim myself, I remember thinking the same at one point. You guys were spot on with a lot of what you were saying, but I also know that a lot of people wonder about the aftermath of "not being pure" and what that means for them now. That would interesting to hear about from your point of view.
I'd just add, this thinking about being "worthless now" doesn't always come from your beliefs, society or the way you were raised. As for asexual people who are naturally repulsed by sex or see it as something gross and disgusting it's quite obvious we could feel this way in case it happens. I always say it because people tend to think it's 100% family's fault that you were raised "puritan" or religious and just bringing awareness can change this feeling but it gets way deeper in reality.
But overall I definitely understand what you mean by that.
Praise the Lord!!! It's beautiful to see women out there who don't think men need to fall at their feet but also women who understand that women need to have a voice. "You are a child of God, and that is your identity," amen preach sisters preach! Amen raise our children to be pure but DO NOT condemn those who have made mistakes.
Oh my gosh there was so much that you guys said that was so true! I definitely can see how the quiet quiet life I have lived has made my relationship difficult a little difficult because I was told that everything secual was bad before marriage. I wouldn't even say that I would just say it wasn't spoken about. And my boyfriend came from a Christian family that did have these discussions so it has been a huge culture shock for me. So thank you for having the courage and platform to talk about this. Being this is definitely fighting for Christian values, I pray this stays up a long time because unfortunately I see our culture dividing even more than it is.
This is a very interesting topic! As someone from the UK who has not been brought up religious it kind of shocks me how much importance sex (or the first time) has in your lives. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to me, I think there’s just a different level of importance. And the topic of it being something that should have so much thought before acting on… I think in some essence yes that’s important, don’t do it until you feel comfortable with the person and you’re both doing it for the right reasons. But at the same time, having a bad experience with someone (consensual) does not mean you will never have a good experience or that that will impact your life forever? You can and will have meaningful sex lives even after being with multiple people.
Obviously I’m not very educated on purity culture, and that part of this video (especially the toxic parts) did make me sad. I don’t really understand why there’s such a stigma against sex within religion specifically pre marriage.
The end section of this video made me a little uncomfortable. It seems a bit like you’re pushing your personal beliefs onto viewers and I’m sure not everyone watching this is religious or has been brought up to believe sex before marriage is a sin. As someone who is not married and has not waited until marriage, I don’t think people look in the mirror at night and judge themselves on the partners they’ve had?! Life has many chapters and some chapters start and end, others continue for a long time. I don’t contemplate the partners I’ve had and regret having sex with people just because the relationship didn’t last until marriage or forever.
Not bashing on anyone who chooses to not have sex before marriage, it’s 100% your choice and you should be able to make up your own mind without being swayed by religion or peoples opinions, but this whole thing of being “pure” obviously judges people who choose not to follow that path and I don’t agree with that. You’re not a bad person if you have sex before you’re married or don’t even want to get married :)
Yes to all that you've said! I think referring to it as "purity" is in itself problematic.
I felt the same way about the end section and part of Katherine’s point more towards the middle. I think I understand how she feels about sex and how she feels about the idea of her having multiple partners and like her own judgments about her own life if that was the choice she’d made, but it felt like she was saying too much that it’s everyone’s experience. The only shame I’ve ever had around Sex (whether I was having it or not) came from society and nothing else. I was never personally ashamed when I was sleeping with someone and felt respected and safe at all times. It feels a bit like they’re not leaving room for that with some of the phrasing they used. Maybe just an accident though!
I'm also not religious and I didn't wait until marriage or even to be in a committed relationship. But I don't feel like they were trying to push their beliefs on anyone, they just asked some open questions. I found them really interesting to think about because consent is not all that matters, respect for example is very important. Even though I disagree with some things they said, it was just their opinion and the choices they made for themselves because it was what was right for them.
I don't regret anything but some people might have had some similar experiences and regret them. It's not about shaming yourself but just think before or/and after having sex and then act according to your feelings and beliefs to be happy about your life I guess.
I really enjoyed this video, it was very interesting.
THIS. 👏🏼
I agree. Like ''look into the mirror at night and decide if you are fine with your decisions'' felt a bit judgemental. I never once felt like I had to justify enjoying sex with different people before marriage.
Obviously, the Cimorelli girls HAVE been raised to think it is not done to have sex before marriage, I have not. So I guess they can never understand the freedom which girls like me view sex, and I cannot understand the importance they place on pre-marital sex.
I have a friend that is completely stuck in toxic purity, unfortunately it has been affecting our friendship because I always feel like she's judging everyone. Seeing this video gave me hope that she will get better someday, when you're a teen you just believe in whatever people say to you
sameeeee
@Ana Luiza Lobato - show your friend this video!!!!!
You are believing this nonsense too it's just the opposite side. Same sheep different shepherd
i love when you preach about healthy dialogueand no judgement because you're the only ones i trust and believe
As someone who has definitely *not* been part of purity culture I'd say Sex and meaningfulness might be compared to a hug? Like you can hug a bunch of people, maybe because you just really like hugs and they feel nice, but they don't have to necessarily mean anything further than "I just like hugs", where as in if you hug a friend, a lover, a family member, the hug might be more meaningful because of your connection to this person.
I'm a practicing Catholic and experienced a lot of what y'all discussed. Thank you for shedding light and showing the middle ground.
Thank you for speaking the truth and sharing your faith! I pray my children’s generation hears and sees things like this and lives the right lifestyle
I absolutely thought that you aligned with some of the toxic purity. I am so grateful you made this video. Especially with people like… cough cough… girl defined… on the youtubes…. So proud and so much love for this video
I waited until marriage! It was such a relief when my then boyfriend said he was waiting as well! I love having God and our friendship as the center of our relationship rather than sex (which i've heard is so common) People go directly to sex to solve their problems and that's not healthy but it's SO common! I love knowing the man i'm giving myself to loves me for me and not just for my body!
I’m 13, so all this stuff I don’t really think about a lot, but this was still really helpful and gave me a good understanding of some things I’ve been wondering, so thankful that y’all are open about things like this, I love you guys more then anything! You guys changed my life. ❤❤❤
On another side of thoughts, I know a couple of younger girls, just turned 21, who think they are losers or lame because they are still virgins at an “old” age. It makes me sad that they feel shame for being virgins.. ans like pressure to have sex because they believe it’s “lame” to not have sex young.
It's not lame but it's unfortunate.
Well sex is just a normal part of life. Whats lame in general is not experiencing fun things because of some sexist ideology.
I was definitely shamed. I was a virgin until I was pushed into it at 21.
tbh, good sex education might help there as well.
I was well educated, and I knew how babies are made since I can remember. Nudity was never a source of shame, but still something I accepted when people set boundaries there.
I knew about my vagina and that it is mine. I was a bit of a late bloomer but curious at my teenage times in sexuality but not in sex with others.
I had my first time with 22, I think, I don't remember. I know that it was the right time for me.
And I knew when I didn't want it. Had my wild time after that, but sure, it was good for me there.
I think a healthy relationship with sexuality and the parts of our body which are deemed sexual still need to go a long way, in the USA especially.
It is really SO UNHEALTHY what I sense. It's no sex or sex with everybody immediatly with ALL THE orgasms.
@@GirlsLikeFairiesIt's not unfortunate, it makes them high value. Lots of actual high-quality men are looking for women like that.
I love how intentional you all were with your words in this video. You were able to share your perspectives while still being very mindful and respectful of all sides of the conversation. Loved this vid thanks girls ❤️
These lies of purity culture are so anti-gospel so thank you for using your platform to spread truth. The world needs this kind of Jesus.
You still should try to wait until marriage. It is what God hopes for us.
@@elouise5593 gods a figment of your imagination
@@elouise5593 If that's what you believe and want to pursue in your life, good for you! Just don't try to push it onto other people.
@@elouise5593 god doesn’t want us to wait. He doesn’t give a shit
@@MusicLiveOn I think its really difficult for Christians especially to NOT do this, or to even realize there's thousands of other religions out there. Especially if you were raised and indoctrinated in it as I was, its like the entire framework for your identity and its hard to even IMAGINE that people don't think the same way you do.
im so grateful for this conversation. i watched it when it came out and i was so disconnected from my body/emotions, i didn’t even realize how purity culture had caused me trauma. thank you guys for being so open about this topic
I’m a Catholic woman that has been shamed due to purity culture. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for this. It’s so important that we as religious people speak against this. ❤
"Purity culture"? So we're a culture now all cause we want to stay virgins till we're married?
@@pornesianparapiod9293 well it's fine if 'you' want to stay a virgin until marriage but it's not right that religion forces it's views and shames people who have premarital relations.
I listened to part of this, then finished the 2nd part on the podcast today.
I just had to leave a comment on the video. I have never felt more seen, validated, not alone, EVER in my life until I heard this podcast. I’m a 25 year old UPS driver & you guys had me crying on my route today because I had never felt so understood in my life. Reading off comments on sexual assault, I thought was going to be triggering, but man, y’all did it perfectly. Not only the comments that you chose to read, but the commentary back. Y’all are absolute sweethearts and I was at a complete loss for words. I still am. I just knew I had to comment and say thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you. ♥️ After years of therapy, I had never been told what you all said today. Thank you so much
As a gay that has been traumatized by religion and "purity culture" I have to say I was a touch nervous to watch this lol. But this was very well done and I really connected with it!
My biggest thing has always been no judgement for people regardless of what their personal beliefs are regarding sex. I personally don't believe in saving myself for marriage (and to answer one of the questions y'all posed I think that would make dating extremely difficult because of how blase sex is viewed in the queer community - which is a whole other conversation) but I think saving yourself is amazing! As long as you want to do it for yourself and your own beliefs.
Like you all said, this stuff needs to be talked about more, to remove the taboo, even in religious communities where people do view sex as sacred and want to save themselves for that one special person, because shame and lack of information leads people to make decisions they regret or are uncomfortable with from the start.
I could go on and on about how much I loved this, but I'll stop here. Thanks again for speaking on this and I'll def be checking out your podcast episodes!
The reply above is a scam btw
Hey, I was looking for another queer person to see their reaction to this and I agree with your take that sex is so normalized in the queer community, probably as a response to the shame and repression that a lot of queer people feel about their sexuality, so it’s cool to see the intersection between that and toxic purity culture.
There is literally no regrets to be had in saving yourself, even out of shame from purity culture, as there are literally no downsides to it, as opposed to racking up a notch count and a lifetime of regret.
@@anastasialeto3825That's because that's the only thing that connects that community together.
@@Billy-bc8pk As someone who is part of the queer community (and very much single AND not actively engaging in sex) this is far from true. Queer relationships, if we want to isolate the LGB for convenience sake, also is about love and companionship as much as any straight relationship is. Not to mention asexuals, who literally come together on the basis of lack of sexual enjoyment.
oh wow , thank you so much for this video. I have only just recently left my church because of this topic and I was SA last year in the church which is where you’re meant to be safest!! I now go to an amazing church and am so happy God got me out of that culture , but I’m so glad you guys have voiced this on your platform because other people may not have given church a second chance after that xx
I think it’s so important as people who support and have advocated for waiting until marriage for you all to address the toxic parts of that mentality!
Such a beautiful, thoughtful, loving way of bringing this to light, ladies. I am so grateful for you all! I have heard from Jackie Francois on Ascension Presents videos that the "mission" of men in the Ephesians verse is to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself," and then for a wife to "submit" to her husband is to be "under" this mission (sub - mission). What a good mission to be under! :)
As an atheist I obviously have a very different worldview as you and I don't believe in waiting for marriage because I think it's important to know if you and your partner have similar sex drives and if you're sexually compatible before you get married.
It wasn't very long ago that it was acceptable to call women who are even minimally sexually active sluts (it's not acceptable to call extremely sexually active women sluts either) and we have been over correcting to 'fix' that issue by creating a 'sex positive' culture that really just teaches women and girls to not have boundaries.
I think being emotional when it comes to sex is seen as a bad thing because being emotional is connected to womanhood and we live in a very misogynistic society.
I think it's very normal to connect emotionally to someone you're having sex with and pretending you're not can be traumatizing I think.
This is a great conversation handled so sensitively. You discussed issues that are either hidden or when spoken about there is only one answer and both sides can shame you for not coming to the right conclusion. Whether you are religious or not this video is so helpful for parents and children.
so proud of this talk, I can’t express how comforting it is to know that others have this type of mindset and can be free to talk about traumas and boundaries. thank you.
As a therapist, I think it's more about learning healthy sexuality rather than when or how someone chooses to become sexual active. The question of "when" is a choice people can make based on their values and beliefs, but regardless of when someone chooses to become sexual active with a partner, i would like to see better education so that those experiences are healthy and fulfilling. I often talk with teenagers about these decisions... some questions to examine are what are your beliefs and values around sex, are you able to speak openly to your partner about your desires and boundaries, are you capable of saying no, do you trust your partner.... lots of work on boundaries, shame, and body autonomy that often teens aren't prepared for.... but like you mentioned, marriage doesn't magically fix these issues. I appreciate that yall spoke to your audience about this because there's a huge problem with sexual shame in Christian communities (and generally in our culture) and these issues definitely follow you through life and impact relationships and self esteem long after someone is married.
Marriage doesn't magically fix the issues, but it's a platform upon which two people should be able to communicate on how to explore those issues with one another. The problem with today's culture is that everyone is encouraged to do what they want whenever they feel like it and no one talks about the long-term consequences of how it impacts people (and society at large) due to said consequences. I suppose we're seeing that all play out now with the skyrocketing divorce rates, unhappiness rates, and people's inability to build or maintain connections because it's all about self.
@Billy-bc8pk key word is "should". My point was that these behaviors aren't actually related to martial happiness and success. Regardless of behavior and choices surrounding premarital sex, if you teach that sexual feelings and thoughts are shameful, discourage open communication and exploration of self and set up a dichotomy of men as predatory and women as prey, it doesn't set couples up for a healthy marriage with open communication. Those problems follow people right through their wedding vows. Sexual shame is toxic in relationships, and still exists even when a couple remains "pure" - Often it is worse since the man has been told they can't control themselves and have built up so much sexual frustration and the woman had been told her body is inherently sinful for existing and that she's responsible for any mans sexual urges. It's 0 to 100 overnight..... it's often very traumatic.
@@hkandm4s23You've been watching too much Handmaiden's Tale. That's not how it is at all. No one is telling anyone not to communicate -- but the problem is that majority of society operates in the complete opposite direction where no one has any regard for their own purity and it has spiraled out of control to the point where more relationships fail than not and more people are unhappier than ever before. This has also resulted in a skyrocketing of loneliness. I don't even see how people think that the old way of doing things -- which actually led to successful productivity within society -- is considered bad when you're reaping the benefits of that culture (and ironically, those benefits are about to be nulled when the collapse happens due to the extreme opposite form of that cultural behaviour has been exercised)
@@Billy-bc8pk that's not how it is? Have you spoken with women about this? I have my own history i could tell, but I am not watching TV to get my information.... I'm helping people overcome trauma in therapy, helping couples save their marriages, helping teen girls who have been assaulted unlearn that they are now tainted like a licked cupcake and helping boys learn that touching their body in the shower is not tainting their soul. Teaching kids boundaries and healthy sexuality means they can say no..... boys suddenly stop blaming girls for tempting them and take responsibility for their own actions instead of saying they "just can't help their nature". Girls stop thinking of their body as a shameful thing, just a sex object for men to view. So many women of the past had unfulfilled or traumatizing sex lives in their marriages because purity culture taught them their pleasure was irrelevant and men were taught their wives were supposed to fulfill their every desire at any moment. Trust me I've heard horror stories. They weren't allowed to leave, even when forced to have children back to back, even when physically and emotionally abused. I know the effects that purity culture has very well. If you have discussions with most adults raised like this, especially women, you'll discover the same. My entire point though is that it is not the behavior, it's the education. I want people to be happy and healthy and have fulfilling relationships. Someone raised without good education on sex and to believe in the purity culture mindset is much more likely to be filled with shame and self loathing than someone raised without those toxic beliefs. Often they are more likely to have more problems with promiscuity because it also teaches people to obsess sexually and exposed children to sexual topics far too young. I could go on but I'll just stop there.
@@hkandm4s23That's the problem when people employ an isolationist view based on their own solipsistic tendencies, likely spawned from your own upbringing and the ill-placed lashing out that spawned from the smothered insecurities you perceive to be troublesome.
You're bewailing the encounters you've had with people that you perceive to be negatively impacted by purity culture; you're then extrapolating those experiences as some sort of widespread cultural phenomenon, when in reality that is just a small slice of a cultural microcosm that isn't even a blip on the map of the zeitgeist.
Do you want to know what he zeitgeist looks like? It's the complete opposite of your anecdotes -- the "over education" of indulgence, which has led to skyrocketing rates of promiscuity, and the lack of shame-culture, the rise of self-seeking pleasure, and the dissolution of the family unit.
73% of people -- despite being more connected than ever -- feel loneliner than ever. 43% of kids are in fatherless homes because most men are now taught to seek satisfaction wherever they can instead of practicing purity. And 40% of kids are born out of wedlock. Indicating that a lot of young women are not adhering to abstinence or refraining from indulging their baser instincts. At the height of purity culture, we were not facing an escalation of lonely, sad, disruptive households the way we are today, in a culture that celebrates depravity.
i was raised in VERY toxic purity culture. i was raised believing i was worthless if i didn’t wait for marriage. the very person who preached this from the pulpit at the church i was raised in was the first person to take advantage of me. once i became an adult and i allowed myself to explore that side of myself with my partner i found it extremely healing. it was a huge time of growth for me. i believe that waiting for marriage can be beautiful when both parties have decided that that is what they want for their lives. me and my partner did not decide that, but it doesn’t make our relationship or anyone else’s relationship any less beautiful and meaningful.
to me, SA doesn’t alter your life because of the importance of s*x but because it’s violent. it’s ALWAYS violent, it’s meant to hurt you (or at least it’s regardless of your comfort). it’s hurting your body and your mind, it’s a violation of your trust, it’s disrespecting you and disregarding you because it’s not consensual, you’re reduced to an object for the abuser . i don’t know how to put it but assault that isn’t se*ual can do that as well. because of course you’re going to react a certain way why you’re being mistreated and it can really stay with you. the high five image doesn’t really work imo and idk i can’t express myself but to sum it up feeling violated, your life being altered if you’re a survivor doesn’t necessarily mean you think s*x is that powerful
I (woman, mid twenties) relate to the whole shaming part, being considered as prude and such - but not because I'm waiting til marriage, I'm asexual and have known that for quite some years now. Means for me I don't have sexual desires and don't experience sexual attraction at all therefore I'd never want to have any sexual experiences - being sa'd or taken advantage of, relationship or not, is honestly my biggest nightmare.. I am not like that because of past trauma or childhood experiences, it's just who I am and still there are so many people out there who shame people like me just because I don't want this experience. At the same time other people get lots of shame for doing it and it just doesn't make any sense to me. Just let everyone decide for themselves and live their life as long as it doesn't hurt anybody
amy is my idol. my empathy is exactly like hers and i get emotional too when i hear things about the world and see the mistreatment of women especially. iv'e been through things myself and it doesn't make me less worthy or unholy in the eyes of god. and then when i see how certain people are in everyone's business preaching their asses off and never working on themselves it makes me very sad.
This is why I call her the Country Princess because she deserves to be a princess.
Words are powerful :) may I implore you to look into idols and looking up to people biblically? It’s great to look up to people but not make them an Idol.❤ and I’m glad your eyes are open! The Bible’s straight forward with many of these topics.
@@shell7142 you can preach this to religious people, and that’s ok. I myself am not a religious person so your perspective doesn’t hold in this space. (Like a child’s perspective on junk food doesn’t hold when conversing with an adult)
Thank you ladies for this! Religious or not; I know a ton of people who could benefit from this. I am much more confident in waiting until marriage now. Such an insightful group of women. I wanna reach thru the screen and hug you all 🥰❤️🤗
Hey girls! I've been watching you for about 10+ years, and have always felt really connected to you all, as I don't have any sisters.
I was born and raised Catholic, but grew away from it when I was about 13/14, and I remember you guys started mentioning your religion more at about the same time.
I remember feeling sad, up until a few years ago, thinking that you would think less of me because of the decisions I made in life, until this video.
Honestly we need more Christians like you being open about these topics, to show that there are some of you that actually get it, and are not judgemental. I loved this video, thank you for it.
All I know is your parents did A WHOLE LOT right and the men you marry and children you have are blessed!
or women they marry?
Purity culture is probably one huge reason why some people get married so quickly. Could be that they don’t want to be shamed if they want to take their relationship to the next level or can’t wait
Or a misjudged of character. The usual suspect
I am personally a spiritual, one with the earth/universe kind of gal, was raised going to church and vacation Bible school etc.… I didn’t wait until marriage however I 100% appreciate Christina‘s questions because it’s very important! I have the opinion that doing that with just anyone isn’t good, you swap energies and you are actually doing a vulnerable thing with someone you may or may not know. Whether you process your emotions or not, it is an emotional and spiritual thing to do with a person. I know many women who have gone celibate and did in fact wait until marriage for their person and I think a lot of women or even men, go through that point where they don’t want to give up their bodies and emotions and spirit to just anyone. They want a connection. Love. I appreciate you girls so much for sitting down and speaking about this.
This was a really empathetic and kind way to approach a sensitive topic. Loved the points made critisizing both sides. I completely agree. Thanks for making this video.
Respect is key. There are plenty of meaningless/not “sacred” experiences I can have that would leave me feeling disrespected and regretful (like a bad experience with customer service). Both people being intimate should, yes, consent to what’s happening, AND they should respect each other. I believe this holds inside and outside of marriage.
I really wish my younger self could have watched this video! Growing up in a non-Christian household I feel like I didn’t get much guidance on this topic. It’s very refreshing the way you guys talked about it especially because I find it easy to feel shame now that I am a Christian in this topic from others. You guys spoke very well and kind about it and gave a lot of good questions for someone to think about.
Thank God you guys are addressing this type of topics. Thank you so much ❤
As a teenager I wanted to wait until marriage. My boyfriend at the time had no standards about purity. His feelings were so strong that I gave in to his needs. I suffered from it for years, but luckily we could also talk about it a lot. We are now married and have a healthy (sexual) relationship. It has cost a lot of sacrifices for both to look honestly at ourselves and at faith. Fortunately, we both believe that God is merciful. Be kind to yourself, there are already enough people who don't.
Lots of love to everyone who tells their story here! ,❤️
Loved this video. Been following you since i was 12. Now im 22. Bottom line: you deserve to be loved how you want to be loved.
I think this is so interesting and love that you’re bringing up these topics. I personally did not wait until marriage and have no regrets but I also had I think somewhat of a rare scenario where I was in a relationship for a long time and had so many in-depth conversations about sex before ever doing anything. I was a teen and the way my girlfriend and I treated sex was very uncommon and different from the people around us.
I wish that kind of healthy communication in a relationship was discussed and taught and encouraged more for teens and all people. and I think the shame y’all mentioned is a huge barrier to that.
I don't think that is rare at all - I think that's the most common way :)
The thing is, you'll never be able to create a family in that relationship nor bond over that family, so it's just something you do just to feel pleasure. It also binds you to that person but not for the intent of a long-term connection to build a lineage (which isn't possible in your case). So obviously, the expectations, connections, and fruitions of the relationship are going to be completely different.
Thank you girls for this!! As a spaniard catholic myself, I find my self always explaining what waiting for marriage because you really want to is, and debunking all this awful things that have been installed in purity culture. Love you all!!
I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) and have experienced toxic purity culture, but that always comes from the people in the church, not the gospel itself. My parents raised me to understand how Jesus Christ would want me to feel about myself and my value, and that what people in the church do is not actually a reflection of how God and Jesus Christ feel about us. My mom grew up with lessons just like the ones you talked about, one comparing a woman who had sex before marriage to a chewed up piece of gum. Absolutely awful. Luckily I grew up around adults in the church who wanted young women and girls to know exactly what our worth was. When I was like 14 we had a lesson where they presented us with a $20 bill and asked us how much it was worth. We said $20. Then they crumpled it up, spit on it, stomped on it, did all kinds of things to it and then asked us what the value was now. We said still $20. They asked us if we still wanted it knowing everything that had been done to it. We said yes, because it’s still worth $20. Nothing had changed. This was how they taught us that no matter what happens to us or what choices we make, there is nothing that could change our value or make us worth any less. Like Katherine said, you’re a child of God and that value is constant. Christianity/religion isn’t for everyone and I respect everyone’s right to make decisions that bring them peace, but if you are a Christian, you believe in a Savior that suffered and died for our sins, mistakes, sorrows, and pains. He didn’t do that so that we could judge each other. This is the Savior that approached a woman who was being shamed by her entire community for committing adultery and he told he did not condemn her. The Savior that sat at a dinner table with individuals that everyone else shunned and condemned as sinners, and when questioned why he would do such a thing, used multiple parables about recovering something treasured that had been lost to convey the absolute joy that he felt that these people even wanted to sit with him and talk with him. He knew where they’d been, what they’d done and what they’d been through but that didn’t change his love for them and it didn’t change their value. If you are a current or former Christian who has been hurt by the culture that these girls are talking about, know that your worth to your Savior and your Heavenly Father is, always was and always will be the same.
Im a member as well and I'm very thankful to see the church pushing towards conversations like this video. I'm very thankful that my youth lessons were not like what's described here, and more about what virtue is, and what it means for both men and women.
I had a seminary teacher that yelled "I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. SEX IS AWESOME. Not gross. Not dirty. Awesome. And it's worth the wait." And then we had an awesome lesson on the law of chastity. Very positive and very un-shameful. It made me excited to get married 😂😂and not ashamed of sexual feelings that do come up, as a woman.
I'm thankful that other members are having the same experience as we're moving forward because I know how our Heavenly Parents view our bodies is not how it was talked about in the past.
Y’all got me crying… as a young woman and mom, who has been assaulted at a young age and had my first child at 16 AND a Christian - I never felt shame, but my father definitely tried to instill fear in me because of it. But I had my baby, so happily and then graduated high school and now I have a lovely husband, 2 beautiful boys, bought our first home at 21 years old and we have a beautiful, blessed life. We are ALL sinners, no one is perfect but we are ALL loved. No matter what. Thank y’all for speaking on this!!!!
So interesting and so important video, well done and thank you 💪
My little addition : it's never too late to ask to yourself all these questions and to change your mind. It's better to start on the path you actually want but if you didn't really take the time to think about any of this before and now you do, whatever where you are in life, it's never too late. Or if people made the decisions for you and now you want to be free and independent, in either way, like Amy said, take the time for yourself to discover what you really think is best for you.
And much love and support to the survivors out there 🙏
This is so powerful. Jesus spoke through y’all! This is what the world needs to hear. Thank you!!🤍🤍
I appreciated this discussion and, as someone spiritual and non-religious. We can take on each other’s trauma, emotions, and the like subconsciously, consciously, or intuitively in a typical fashion of simply existing. I also believe that that is possible regarding something as important as having sexual relations, even for those from a more scientific standpoint. Such as the notion “we’re all made of energy.” Thus with each interaction we have with another person, a part of us is being shared and vice versa. Therefore, I believe we should focus on whether someone is stable enough as an individual and a human being before they decide to exchange their “energy” with another. And extending that same consideration externally toward someone we like or initially believe we love so we can go beyond the concept/modern construct of marriage in general and rule out any issues at the root before they can evolve into something harmful down the line.
18:58
I felt that. I don't remember ever having conversations about what happens *after* you get married, how you handle "bad bad bad bad bad, good." It doesn't make any sense. I've been married almost a year, and I still struggle with initiating with my husband! What is wrong with this picture? What kind of toxicity got showed at me all those years ago that stayed with me for over 20 years... and now I have to just ... what, let go? Somehow, instantly?
I'm all about waiting till marriage, but I'm not all about shaming girls into feeling like we are the problem, that guys never play a role in not respecting our desire to wait. Not to mention the very real fact that conversations aren't had about how to go from not giving into those very human, God-given desires, so we can learn how to do so in healthy ways.
Periodtttttt. I feel like this topic is so important yet so unspoken. Man this culture is so godless nowadays and I’m so grateful that you guys are willing to speak up about it!
ikr
I really hope they gradually start having more conversations about God :) I already like this channel a lot, if that happens they'd become extreme top tier
Yes we love cimorelli
Thank you all for speaking up on this topic! ♥️
It's so brave of you to have talked about your opinion on this topic.
LOVE U! THANK YOU!
Lmfao brave to just talk?
I also grew up in a household that talked about waiting for marriage but it was never actually talked about what sex was and what it can entail. When I was 11 my dad gave me a purity ring. With that came a letter of his love for me and why God wants to protect me (which again comes from the idea that parents think they’re doing the right thing. I wish the letter spoke more on how sex causes changes in your brain when it’s happening to where you form spiritual ties to that person. Which I’ve seen is why people break up and get back together a lot of the time. I’m married now and didn’t wait for marriage, but now having sex within a marriage I see it all so differently. I see why it’s a good thing to wait on within boundaries of love, trust, and a covenant. I think the mystery of it all made it more enticing to know about, so once it’s my turn with kids I definitely want to expose the mystery to my kids so they have the full understanding. Thanks for this conversation girls!!!
I am SO grateful that you guys are talking about this. Especially in regards to SA. From around age 3 or 4 until I was about 14 or 15 my maternal Grandfather did multiple things to me that are considered SA. It broke my heart and made me feel like I did something wrong. I would learn in sunday school that you are broken if you did something etc. but they never talked about consent, I didn't give my grandpa consent to touch me the way he did, I didn't give him permission to give me anxiety and ignore any boundaries I had. They didn't talk about how you still have worth when someone does something to you. Kids need to know that they are worthy of love, they are not broken if they make a mistake or someone else hurts them. I am still trying to undo what I was taught and accept that through Jesus I am not broken, I am healing. And I didn't do anything wrong. It is NOT your fault if someone hurts you, I don't care what they tell you or lead you to believe.
I also think the conversation could be about waiting until you're an adult in a long term loving relationship. I know religion always puts the expectation of marriage on young women, but you don't have to be in a marriage to be in a healthy trusting relationship as an adult.
what a necessary video, especially coming from girls with a big young public! very clarifying and respectful, with no messed up beliefs, thank you guys 🤍