since nobody asked to be born there should be no reason to owe your parent for your existence. If you have a kid, its your responsibility to feed, clothe, house them, educate and care for them. If you don't want to do that either don't have kids or put them up for adoption. Imagine holding someone's birth over their head as a reason to force a relationship with them.
Too many parents think it is enough to make sure their children have clothes, food and a roof over their head, and completely ignores their emotional needs.
You are correct! Parents do not owe their children anything. Therefore, as soon as they reach the age of 16, they should leaver mom and dad’s, get a job and move on
@@pinfantino strange gaslighting there 🤣 parents are *literally legally responsible* for their children (in many places past the age of 16) even if one's so callous to preach your ridiculous sort of mindset 🙄 as the op *actually* said, no one *asks* to be born so if people procreate they *absolutely* "owe" their offspring
i am genuinely confused as to where you're seein anyone say that "ALL" parents are abusive. like that was no where in the op's comment. Why are you so defensive?@@ddhqj2023
I don't expect my parents to be perfect, but I do expect them to be able to apologize and act like decent human beings if they've done something hurtful
I know that I made horrible mistakes with my oldest. I apologize and I try to really talk through how I hurt them. I parented, at the time, out of my own abuse and pain. I didn’t know that was what it was, but that’s what it was. My dad’s apology was, “I’m sorry you feel that way-“ A non-apology. I won’t do that to my oldest. If I can help heal what I broke, I feel like that helps him way more than what I got.
Yup I accept that my mom had her issues but I don't want that relationship with her now because she never laid the groundworks for us to have an equal open relationship.
@@amandaford8730 So I guess the question is, do you punish your parents when you become an adult or do you accept their shortcomings like you would for friends, and try to just touch bases once in a while? I get it, I really do. I have a mother who's mothering style caused me to raise my girls by doing exactly the opposite. And my mom hasn't changed in a lot of ways at all. She's often accusatory, unfair, never respects me enough to listen to my opinion on anything, but I know that she did the best she could with her meagre abilities to build relationships. So I respect what she did (made sure we had food and a roof over our heads, etc.), keep in touch because I do care and want to be there for her if she's in trouble (87 years old and living on her own) and our relationship happens in phone calls every few days. I'm not punishing her for all the hurts I've felt coming from her because as an adult, I've decided I can move past that.
@@amandaford8730 Hope you at least have the integrity to somehow notify her of how you feel about what you mentioned. Would be extremely cowardly not to. Sometimes, they may have no clue as to what you’re upset about and why you made the decision to go NC… which just isn’t right.
@BAsed_AFro You do not owe someone who treated you like shit an explanation that they treated you like shit. Protecting yourself from bad people is not cowardly. Stop. If a parent has "no idea" why you cut them off, they're not going to listen to you when you tell them. This has been proven over and over again by almost everyone who has tried to communicate about this.
@@yourworstfan There is a huge trend today of younger folks ghosting their parents (and others) simply for mentioning something that does not align with what they think/how they feel about whatever. This is incredibly cowardly, and flat out wrong.
Absolutely 100% correct. Little story time if you care too hear it speaking of disrespect and selfishness during COVID19 CaronaVirus pandemic I wanted too get vaccinated so Id be protected from getting infected so being an adult my choice was disregarded and disrespected and I ended up getting infected because of my family’s selfish disgusting toxic behavior. Do you think it’s disrespectful or selfish?.
Harrison, I’m sorry to hear about your experience. I’m not sure if you still live with your parents? I hope that, with time, you are able to assert your autonomy and personal choices - such as, if you want to vaccinate yourself against a virus, you are able to do this and will not be controlled by your family in a way that goes against your wishes. Individuation is an important part of becoming an adult. Being able to protect your boundaries - especially over your body and health - is essential. I’m sending my love to you and hope that you have recovered well from Covid. 🕊️ x
@@pimmspimms5462 In your own words, how would you describe the true benefits that you received from having had the covid vaccines that those who had none missed out on/went without?
I'm quite glad there's young people going no contact with their toxic parents to achieve a happy life. I've finally gone no contact with my family six weeks ago at the age of 52. I feel like I've wasted my life being abused and just now learn how to heal my trauma.
im 32 and no contact with both parents and a sister (my dad did the no-contacting me recently after I set boundaries around political arguments in my presence.) The mourning is really hard, but I've had consistently better health since.
Im in my 30s and gone no contact with my family the 7th year now. This is the problem with society: any random person can have a kid, and for whatever reason they have in mind, and somehow assume these kids will have to stick around these ridiculous parents and satisfy their expectations. It should never have been that way. No one should be given the right to just create and own / control another human. You are you, you live your life, you can do it!
Well done. I’m adopting you as my own precious child. I am so proud of you. Stay away from anyone who is abusive. Never, ever go back. Love, Your internet mom. 💕🌿
I’m 48. I’ve been no contact with my mother since 2013. What is new is that a lot of people are ABLE to talk about it. Social media has enabled this new phenomenon. Before digital age, you only had family, friends and coworkers to bounce personal stuff off of or keep it to yourself. Christian culture ruled most spaces. Shaming people and bullying about this topic was why people stayed in abusive relationships.
I'm in my 60's. My mom passed away when I was 10. My dad essentially checked out and left me alone to fend for myself. My father's family never cared for my mother, and I was pretty much ostracized by them as well. I was fortunate to have neighbors who helped raise me along with their own families. I pretty much had only a nodding relationship with my father for the rest of his life, as he only came around if he needed something. I never hated him, I just thought of him as a vague acquaintance. No animosity, just sort of apathy. When he passed, one of my aunts verbally attacked me, claiming that my lack of involvement in his life caused his demise. He was 88 and passed from cancer. He had his family, (which I was not part of) and I had mine, which picked me. There's a lot to be said for independence and the "family" you choose.
The same situation happened to me: mother passed away at 11 years old and my father just couldn’t be bothered. I recently went no contact with all my siblings and my dad … but I am dreading getting the news of his passing at some point. I’m 35 and he’s 73… No one chooses to go no contact easily. I wish more people could understand that (unlike your aunt who blames you).
Try not to dread it. He only donated some genetic material. He wasn’t thinking of you when he did it. They sound like awful people. Don’t dread it, little fawn. ♥️💕♥️💕
So now you know what he said about you when he visited HIS family. He doesn't even consider YOU to be part of HIS family. It's very telling how he wants to keep you separate, so he can gaslight HIS family to be on his side against you, even if you are his OWN CHILD. It's sickening. My mother does this too. I've told her I now want nothing to do with HER family.
I’m a parent as well and I love how you called them “honored guests”. The implication that they will leave one day so enjoy them while they’re here is absolutely beautiful telling of the truth to me. My littlest is 3 and she loves to “Cheers 🥂” at every drink she’s served and I just adore it and pray she wants to celebrate with me forever, but fully prepared to watch her walk into her own story one day ❤
your comment reminds me of Kahlil Gibran on Children: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
But I'll bet you hope that she'll be your friend when she does begin her own life don't you? Well, all I can say to that is don't hold your breathe and have zero expectations that because you're being fair and supportive, that she'll do that. Things definitely don't always turn out like you expect.@@elizabethhinton6781
My mother was so shocked with the frequency and sincerity I apologize to my child. Yeah... And he actually LIKES me lady. This is your sign. Go no contact. It's incredible. ❤
@@Mrsilic414my eldest is almost 13. My youngest is 8. I have 4 kids. I related to this comment because I say sorry to my kids all the time. Especially bringing them into this world. Because 13-14 years ago? The world was a very different place. No. I don’t feel even remotely different. And my eldest is very mature and on occasion more nasty to me than ever. It’s those years and kind of to be expected and typical.. they are children and the ones still developing. I’m the adult. I have thick skin and know how to be the bigger person. I am wrong too sometimes. Or I didn’t fully understand. We are both learning and growing together, on this journey. We still have a great relationship. We’re still super tight knit. And we do sorry and taking accountability of our actions and when we are wrong. And actively communicate and listen. And each of us have our space to be who we are. And room. And have respect for one another and the others feelings and experiences are always validated. The type of love I only wish my parents had for me growing up. Or the respect I wish they’d still have for me, now.. my kids tell me everything and they’re my best friends and I think that’s beautiful. My mom always preached that you can’t be your kids friend. But I don’t agree with that. As long as you know when to be a parent too. There is nothing wrong with being your child’s best friend. And I don’t have iPad kids. We don’t even have an iPad. And I don’t let my kids on social media. My kids are better behaved and advanced in maturity than most other peoples kids, honestly. Everyone always thinks they’re older or we’re all siblings. They’re all the same size as me already. My 8 year old comes up to my chin, already. His dad is 6”4. He’s TALL. I feel like I have teenagers already but I feel blessed. I love teenagers. Another thing I don’t have in common with my mother.. she hates teenagers ☠️ I choose to hold onto remembering what it was like. My mom has way more of an age gap between me and her. Than I do with my kids. I’ve never felt relatable to her, honestly. My kids and I have a lot more in common and we hold similar beliefs and views. And I don’t force them to think any way. They just normally tend to agree with me and like how I view things. I like how they view things at times too. I may even take their lead at times because they’re sometimes right too. And their input always matters to me. This is their home and their space too. I always say they’re my best interior decorators. lol If anyone has a problem with that? I have a problem with them. I respect my children and what they say they want and need. It’s valid. That’s literally my job. I signed up for it. And it’s my responsibility to live up to that. And forever advocate for them. Since the world seems to be built on not taking children seriously, for some reason, like ever. We need to be their voice at times.
I agree with mrsilic414. In 10 years, what you know now to be your strength (apologizing, sincerity) could likely be deconstructed to be weakness or feebleness or disrespect of self.
Why is it so damn hard for them to say SORRY? The closest I got from my dad was “sorry you have a mental illness” (CPTSD). Yeah, you caused it, because you would rage into my bedroom, punch holes in walls, belt me to the point I was terrified of my bedroom door opening for any reason. The sound sent me into a panic attack! My mom would block the door and kick me in the shins. Yet he calls it “well I tried my best but I think you’re remembering it wrong”. That was the last straw. A lonely deathbed is in my parents’ future and idgaf!
Amitting they were wrong would indicate they are not perfect. Not being perfect causes a narcissistic traumatization which brings them a lot of pain. And they always cherish their own well being more than their children's well being.
It's so fucking strange, isn't it? That they can't even apologize, they can't see their fault in any of it. It's always about THEM and anything you do to assert otherwise is an attack. I got all of the abusive beatings as well. My mother once told 6 year-old me to "stop provoking him, you bring this on yourself." When I told my father I hated him in my 20's and never wanted to see him, his words to me were "well, you hurt me, too, son." ......What?! That moment really sealed it for me as to how self-involved they are. The loneliness of CPTSD and no family is awful - but I feel far better than I ever did having them in my life.
@@humanelements2 I share your pain too as someone with CPTSD due to domestic abuse. There were times i even considered suicide but didn't want to because i actually wanted to be loved and live in a different way rather than being beaten casually. It was like a warzone where even a small mistake could trigger the bomb. Although i still depend on my parents financially, i am trying to become fully Independent so i can atleast become stress-free. Living with my parents even caused me to have some white hairs and i still have only 20 years. The worst as a child was the gas lighting making me think i was the wrong one for being beaten and definetely not them releasing their accumulated stress on me. I can't even imagine how can someone even beat a 2 years old child badly without any remorse or consideration.
I'm 64. My kids are happy, successful adults. I enjoyed them SO much as they were growing up and they grew up way too fast. The hardest thing about being a mom is letting them go to be the adults you prepared them to be. As a homeschooling mom who tutored and homeschooled other people's kids as well, I saw a pattern over and over. If parents didn't give respect to their kids, valuing their boundaries, and enjoying just spending time with them, the kids did not grow up to respect their parents, value their boundaries, and enjoy spending time with them. One of my daughter's friends was expected to move out when she graduated high school and her mom even told me she couldn't hardly wait. I had a difficult time even imagining that. I was dreading the time when my kids would move out. But I had been preparing them to be self- sufficient from the time they could walk. Like I said, I homeschooled them. When they turned sixteen, they got their G.E.D.s and tested into the community college (at grade level, btw!). I drove them there until they got their driver's licenses. They had a checking account and debit card from the time they were 12. They were given an allowance for gas, lunches, and personal items. They were expected to do chores around the house - because members of a household help care for the house, guests don't. They helped with grocery shopping and I taught them how to shop, how to plan meals, and the basics of cooking. (My son really enjoyed cooking, my daughter did not. Lol) I taught them the basics of laundry and buying and mending clothes. I taught them the care and maintenance of a home and of a car. When I drove them to school or karate or church, I would talk about traffic laws, and defensive driving around crazy drivers, about how a car engine works and why you change the oil and windshield wipers, and check the tire tread and pressure. All of this before my kids were 18. When they turned 18, I told them I would no longer tell them WHAT to do or even they should be home or go to bed, but I expected them to respect my house like they would respect anyone's home where they might be staying. I told them they were legally adults now, but psychologically they weren't mature until they were 25. So this time between 18 and 25, they were to get used to making their own decisions, getting themselves to school and work and helping around the house as they saw fit. This was when they could make mistakes and I'd still be here to help as their safety net. I had been slowly offloading responsibility AND authority as they had grown older and started college (16 yo), and they made the transition gradually and very successfully. It took them awhile to get used to just letting me know they wouldn't be home, instead of asking permission, but I would remind them and they got used to it. My son decided to get his own apartment when he was nearly 24, but he was getting serious about a girlfriend and felt he should trying living "without his safety net" before he took on that responsibility. I hated to see him go (and he knew that) but I thought he was very wise and told him so. I wasn't a perfect parent, but mutual respect, honoring boundaries, and apologies cover a multitude of sins. My daughter is married with two kids and my son, who is a year older, will be married in June next year and we have very good relationships. It hurts my heart that there are so many broken people who attempted to raise children who ended up being broken as well. I wish I could just gather them all up - the parents and the adult children - and love them they way they should have been loved.
We also homeschool and have a garden, our son attends a nature school with us once a week. It’s important that we teach him life skills, how to start a fire outside, how to sew, how to grow food, and to always be curious and question things. I also speak to our son about safety & have a whole list of documentaries we will show him in the future, books to read, etc. we want him to be prepared for life. Sounds like we have similar values, it’s nice to see your comment here on youtube. Great job! :)
I can't tell you how many times I've heard "But that's your mother". Exactly, why would she of all people be so abusive to me? What kind of mother does that and why is everyone automatically on her side and not mine?
My mom used to call me at least 8x a day and text me 20x a day. Destroyed my peace of mind, my relationships with women and tried to Destroy my dreams. I had to cut her off for my own peace of mind and happiness. Imagine you go on break for work and you have 10 missed calls and 14 texts. Just think about it... then she would pop up at my house everyday on the weekends. I had to go no contact or i would have literally snapped and ended her. Literally...
I feel you, literally anyone can have a kid, no questions asked, this is the problem with society, and that woman who popped you out happened to be really bad because of this. Its NOT your fault.
That's what old people do. You have to be a real piece of shit to cut off you mother for reaching out to you. Our generation is so selfish it is unreal.
The phrase “they did the best they could” is possibly the most triggering & false claim I’ve ever heard. Was it really their best? Doubtful. Accountability is the name of the game, and neglectful parents will rarely hold themselves accountable. No contact since November and I feel free. When you ignored someone their entire life, don’t wonder why they learned to live without you 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone would say this about my mom, and I've always disagreed. Grandpa would beat her and her logic to me would be "Be grateful that I don't beat you as bad as I was beaten." I never replied out loud, but always thought "I'd be grateful if you didn't beat me at all"
I thought for years that my mom did her best. Even after she told me years ago never to call her again after a fight that she started. I got an unusual chance to attempt to explain once again my perspective on my life and all she did was gas light and deny like she always did. She didn't do the best she could she didn't give a s***.
Even if it was the best they could, does not mean it was enough, it does not make your trauma invelid or means you owe them anything. Doing your best while not seeking therapy you absolutely need to be able raising a child is not really the best you could do. If the best you can do is neglecting one child after the other, then damned dont birth another child only to have it almost starve to death in your care!!!
They have asked and yelled at me for 30 mins why it's my fault for the way I feel and the way they feel. It's easier to say nothing. You do well and they beg you back. Hangout with them and they even still blame you on things as a child
Ask? These ppl have been told in a hundred ways with probably a million tears. Mom "" I Just want to understand". Umm no you don't!!! Because you've ignored everything I've provided you with, or abused me more for it!!! Please don't say easy enough when you clearly don't know anything about it
"Because ur controlling, often wrong about things, manipulating, always blaming me for your problems, making me fulfil your dreams instead of allowing me to live my life, making me a care taker for old age, making me make money for you, forcing me to do things your way etc, thats why"
Behind every child that has cut off their parents is a parent that is an abuser. Don't believe the crocodile tears of abusive parents as they feel sorry for themselves. Either they are willing to admit their wrongdoing and make amends, or they aren't. It's that simple.
NO! I was never abusive or unkind. The partner has brainwashed him to think I am awful. I am ok now... I would hate to force someone to have me included in their lives so treat me like I am dead then they can have the life they want
@@cathyfulford593 Ignore those people Cathy. They don't know your story, they don't know you. They are people who were likely hurt when they were children and have never reached a maturity that can acknowledge that not everyone is like their parents. Some people don't grow up. With those kinds of attitudes of blaming strangers for things they haven't a clue about, it's not a stretch to imagine that Enriquez or world adventure....won't be dumped by their kids one day.
Agree, I have never ever seen a video about estranged parents where they actually confess and admit that they have done anything wrong. They always act like they are both saints and the victims, and have no idea why the children they claim they have sacrificed everything for have cut them out of their life. Emotional and mental abuse is ignored way too often because it leaves no marks on the body. I can't speak on the behalf of anyone else, but for me it is totally irrelevant if it has become more common to talk about the topic or not. I would have cut off my father no matter if the internet didn't exist or what the social rules says about it. After all, adult estranged children also existed hundred years ago, even if it was less common.
There are many articles, videos, letters, books, comments etc. by parents who acknowledge that they were flawed in their parenting. Also, it is true that there are parents who were harmful toward their children but have no self awareness that they were harmful, or the depth of harm they caused.
@@kevinhornbucklePerhaps these videos exist, but as I said, I have never encountered any of them here on youtube. Can't remember reading any articles about it either.
Maybe because the ones who abused don't want to talk about it because it means admitting wrong doing. Whereas the mom's (usually) who do talk about it, tried to do it all right, it didn't work out like they anticipated and now they are left with only pain and they hope to find sympathizers to their suffering. Doesn't everyone always say, 'just talk it out/ you'll feel better if you talk about it'? Well they do that and all of you call them abusers even though you were never in their homes and don't know their family stories. All of which is terribly unfair and judgemental. You take it upon yourselves to add to their hurt.
@@ddhqj2023 That is BS excuse. It's exactly because it implies admitting wrong that it matters. You can't tell someone to be responsible while you're acting irresponsible. If your ego matters more than your kids, fine, but stop whining about the results then. Apologising can be a big step just like making amends, but most do what ? Use and blame their generational traumas to the extent of thinking that it allows them to hurt their own kids. Never doing the work, refusing the harm that has been done and acting like victims. It's your job to heal yourself, not your kid's roles or responsibility. Who's the adult really ? I can't fathom how those types of parents complain about their kids finally breaking the generational trauma that they could have broken themselves. Does that mean continuing to abuse matters more than being in contact with your children ? That's literally how it comes off.
It’s not just GenZ it’s also Millennials older ones like myself who grew up constantly being silenced. And now that my mother is older she continues the same gas lighting, controlling, manipulating lies….neglect and emotional abandonment. Everything is about her!!! Isolating me throughout my life from family yet when family benefits her she still talks to them. Talking to people who don’t even like me….i can’t do it anymore
It is not a generational issue. To think it is is very naive. I am a tail end boomer. It is the very same for my generation and the one before me. I stopped over a hundred years or more of generational abuse by choosing not to have children and I so respect others who do the same. No regrets at all. And even less regret at cutting off my profoundly abusive parents, one of whom is still alive at 85 and still hurting people and animals all she can.
Millennial here with a highly narcissistic, mean unaffectionate single mother who is still toxic. Yes we had a roof over our heads but we had to clean the whole place, thank her for it and better not say a word about!!! I will never treat my daughter that way. She always blows up when I stand up for myself and turns into an emotional wreck. I have given up trying to make her like me. I focus on being a better mom to my daughter than she was to me.
I'm a millennial who cut off contact from my parents. I'm also disabled from birth. I can hold compassion for my parents to a degree because parenting two disabled offspring is hard. At the same time, I can't build or heal relationships when they won't bother to acknowledge their mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive parenting behaviors. That caused trauma and they want to pretend it never happened. The universe doesn't owe parents able-bodied children and parents of disabled children shouldn't be given a pass when they're assholes because parenting children with disabilities is "extra" hard.
I’m a father of six (yes I know). They have all grown up to independent, intelligent and caring adults. I feel very privileged to be a part of their lives. They don’t have to care about me, but they choose. I don’t take them for granted, I need to put in hard work to earn them.
I am going on 6 years of being estranged from my family, but I am an old Millennial/cusp Gen X. Long story short, my father was abusive and my mother enabled it. Therapy introduced me to the concepts that not forgiving is OK if it doesn't help me heal, and going NC is OK as well.
My heart goes out to you for your hard experiences. From my understanding, forgiveness is always good for our health because it frees us of anger and bitterness and resentment than negatively affects our health and our ability to not take that pain into the future. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves to heal and move forward in our lives. It took me a long time to understand the truth that forgiveness and trust are two different things. They are not the same! We can forgive, but that doesn't mean that trust is rebuilt in the relationship if harmful behaviors aren't changing. We can forgive and still need to love and respect from a distance that is safe and healthy for us. Forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship automatically goes back to the dysfunctional "normal" or that what happened was okay or not harmful, and it's doesn't mean that we can't protect ourselves from further harm. I wish this was more understood in society. I hope you continue to find healing. ❤️
@silversmoke6... I can see where you are coming from and how you may have before felt like you were forced to. I'm glad we are both learning about the power of choice. I do also believe that our choices lead to different results with the path we choose, and we can choose differently if we are not liking the results. I believe there is both nuance/complexity and some objective truth of what is healthy or unhealthy for ourselves and our relationships of the different choices we make. Both nuance and truth can work together in beautiful ways. We are not required to, no; we all have a choice, but I do believe forgiveness is a healthy and healing choice. I have discovered differently from you in my own healing journey when I'm not progressing towards forgiveness, and that's okay too. I end up going backwards in my progress, so I'm working towards the other direction which can take time. We all choose which healthy tools we need at different times, and sometimes we aren't ready for certain steps yet. We each are at different places, and that's okay. I hope you are finding tools that are helpful to you at this point in your healing. While I don't wish to reply after this, I wish both of us well in our unique healing journeys. ❤️
@@cathyfulford593 Then either the mum didn't do a good job educating the son, or the mum thought she was raising her son properly. Ever got a parental license btw? If not, how does the mum know shes good?
My mom died 8 years ago in my 20s. I was devastated when she died, and she still haunts my dreams, which pisses me off. She was a very shitty mom, and I spent my whole life trying to make her love me. My dad was trash too, but he helps me maintain my house and does enough for me to talk to him. We have disowned eachother before and I would do so again. Both kicked me out on the street plenty of times and I had a horrible childhood.
Oh, and after drinking with my brother tonight, I remember my dad refusing to press charges against my step moms nephew for SA ing my at 14 yo after her meth dealer got me drunk for the first time in my life.
Oh, and that as an adult when my dad kicked my baby brother out and I begged him to let me raise my baby brother he instead let him go and live with the man that sexually assaulted me as a child.
I'm sorry. these bad things happened to you. You did not deserve a bad childhood or shitty parents. It may be helpful to understand that you can grieve the loss of a mother you never had. You move through grief rather than allowing it to block you, ideally. Something was really wrong with your mother if you EVER wondered whether she loves you. The worst case scenario is that she was traumatized by her own parents and she became a cruel and vindictive person who took out her anger on her child. Some parents actually believe that since they had shitty childhoods, their kids therefore have no right to a happy childhood. If you decide to let go of the anger you have toward your parents, it will be for your benefit, not necessarily because they deserve it.
i also struggle with immense guilt for what my mom did to my siblings and what my dad allowed. i have to remind myself often that they are adults now, safe with their partners and a text/call away at any time. we all struggle with mental health issues, for sure. but we have each other and it sounds like your brother has you
"Parents are doing their best." So they say. Some parents do their WORST. People wouldn't defend a murderous parents (like Diane Downs) as "doing their best" (but if they defend, I think they are in deep denial and most POSSIBLY need mental help, in my opinion!).
Scary to think that Diane Downs was doing her best, but what she was doing wasn't to benefit anyone but herself because she was a broken person. It's sad, but naturally much more sad for her children.
People often tell me that my mother "did her best", but nobody recognizes that I did my best, too, and it was never good enough for her. Any more, when anybody tells me "she did her best", I reply, " Yes, well her best still sucked."
@ladyv5655 Mom would tell me "You should be grateful I don't beat you like my father beat me" and then other people would tell me "She's doing her best" Her best would've been realizing that beating a child is wrong.
@@5Demona5 It is perfectly possible for someone to do the best they are personally capable of, and for their best to simply fall far short of acceptable.
Abusive parents are not doing the best they can. We need to stop glorifying 2 people who engaged in intercourse. This is nonsense. Respect is earned. No exceptions.
@@Mrsilic414 it's not "groupthink" to not put up with parents treating you badly. We don't owe our parents anything because it was their choice that we're here in the first place. Not sure if you're stupid, or just don't understand that.
Fuck all that. An entire generation of narcissistic boomer parents doesn't deserve any type of grace or explanation. It's no wonder we're all screwed up, on medication, and in therapy.
People who try to guilt someone into contact with their parents because they had sex and decided to have a baby and failed their child in some way need to go seat down some place. Basically, what these ppl is saying is you have to endure abuse, mistreatment, and disrespect simple because they are your parents. In no other relationship would someone tell another human to stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of the abuser. My uncle is a Broomer and he cut his parents out of his life in the 80s. I think other generations have done it, they just don't talk about it because of the guilting. For me I always knew I was going to cut my mother out of my life, she was evil and abusive, and I regret nothing. Also, most adult children try really hard to make it work with their parents, after a while you have too safe yourself.
What most children have in common is that they work very hard to please their parents and get their approval. But when they grow up with constant negative feedbacks (or lack of feedback), they eventually stop trying and in the end realize they will never be good enough.
@@Langkowski Amazing how all of you generalize and assume that every adult child is the same and every parent is the same too. So does that mean that all you adult children will become your abusing parents?
@@ddhqj2023 I thought we didn't have abuser parents and anyone who reports abuse is making it all up. That's what I keep getting told and then there's the opposite where we're accused of being just as abusive as our parents for ending contact. It's kinda an admission that the parents are most often abusive or dysfunctional in some way that leads to estrangement. EAC know that and EP's deny it. Everyone knows where the issues started and it's not the 'children'. Toxic and unhealthy starts with the parents.
@@ddhqj2023 Every parent is not the same. But almost all parents who have NO IDEA why their adult children don't talk to them have shockingly similar thought patterns, which many of them express openly to each other and to complete strangers on the internet.
I remember when i was 6 my parents took care of my great-grandma. And since the day she died my parents have been telling me that i owed it too them to take care or them because they took care of grandma. It wasnt until i was 22 i realised that doesnt make sense ontop of the fact that i really didnt want too because of the abuses.
Exactly! My grandmother recently passed, and I had to fight my mother to keep from putting her in a nursing home, something she had always let me know was her biggest fear. I gladly helped take care of her because I love her and she was my rock. My mother will not get that treatment from me or my sister. If she doesn't calm down with my brother, she will be alone as he is on the brink of going no contact as well.
Interesting. I tend to agree. I commented on a video a while back titled "what to do when you become estranged from your child". Looking through the comments not one parent commenting took responsibility what so ever. It was all about what was wrong with their child!!!
I haven’t really seen any of the kids giving clear descriptions of why they feel so abused. Maybe a couple of the older ones, but all the kids have this idea that they don’t have to explain themselves at all. Like the parents should just know. It seems very one sided for gen z at least.
@Mrsilic414 they DON'T have to explain. They know what their parents did, and the parents know what they did, no matter how much parents try to claim they have no idea why they are cut off.
Therein lies the problem - no accountability. Narcs will only agree with you or (even remotely) acknowledge your truth/feelings until their next strike. Their cooperation is only a mask to hook you in.
My father was very psychologically, emotionally, and financially abusive towards me growing up. I have so much peace for the first time in my life now that I don't see him often. It is a huge weight gone from my life. I am thankful that this is a common thing in society that is not stigmatized the way it used to be. I always assume that if you are estranged from a parent some bad shit went down. It is not an easy thing to do.
If they were my parent, they would have protected me from a SA by 2 men in our "family" but they put those 2 men ahead of their own children. My child owes me nothing. NOTHING. I would like for them to do their best, be a good human, go make an impact and do good things but I do not expect them to take care of me, at all. Social media has broken open the flood gates on parental abuse and neglect, not just the physical kind, and I am grateful for that. I am GEN X and a bit older but we are here and we HEAR y'all, and we support y'all. I think there is a natural rhythm in life to want to be off on your own from your family, finding yourself and your path in life, but it's the extreme abuse that takes it to the next level. My parents continued their toxic behavior after I moved out at 18, all the way up until they passed away 10 years ago. I won't let anyone bully me into the "well it's your Mom, Dad, whomever." Yes, they had their issues but they also kept making the SAME choices, even after calling them out and them blaming me. I ain't got time for that, I left.
Here's what to do if you don't want your kids to disown you: Don't infantilize them, work them to death, disrespect them, interrupt them, not answer simple questions, insult their intelligence, be overly critical over little things, get emotional when they have a simple opinion that's slightly different than yours, be a safety freak, suck them into your tornadoes, and ignore boundaries. Also, try respecting very basic wishes. If you do those things, they won't cut you off and avoid you like crazy. I'm 31 and my mom tends to treat me like I'm still 10 yrs old at times. I've had to take care of her since I was 17 and she refuses to get extra help/physical therapy for fear of Covid and getting robbed blind. She's running me into the ground and everyone my age is way ahead of me in life. Some I've talked to think my mom is taking advantage of me. She and my dad never taught me to stand up for myself and I almost wonder if it was intentional (aka to keep me from rebelling). I really think my mom is guilty of being emotionally manipulative and, albeit unintentionally, being a gaslighter. When the caregiving eventually ends, I want out of the nest and want to be in my personal space so I can finally grow and flourish. Every case is different. Sometimes, it's on the kids. Other times, the parents are responsible.
GET OUT NOW. You've done your time. I promise there is a check-mark as well as a gold star next to your name in the Akashic Records. Awesome. Done. Call it a day, leave your job, and please come home so you can relax. Just being alone is so healing - you will be astonished how your physical health improves, not to mention emotional and mental.
@@thousandpetalsproject1494 I really, really want to get out, but it's far easier said than done. Along with the other things I mentioned, my mom is also a bit on the overprotective side despite the fact I turned 32 a few weeks ago. I'm currently without a phone. A new one is on the way, but it won't be in my hands until Monday. I have a class fish fry tomorrow and she doesn't want me to go because I'm phoneless, even after I told her I would be there for literally a few minutes. I had to run an errand earlier tonight and she had a panic attack.
It’s never on the kids. Never. Don’t make the choice to let this selfish woman take your life from you. You know she can get help from others. At the very worst the state will pay for help for her. Don’t throw your life away.
Living with an emotionally abusive aunt for 12 years drove me to the worst mental state of my life. I felt myself losing my grip on my sanity, a horrible sensation. Plus non-stop self ending thoughts from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep. Constant fear, nearly daily panic attacks. To then have the person triggering me tell me "You have mental problems. You have to fix yourself, because I can't deal with your fckin depression anymore." Hey auntie! You're the reason! I'm moving out and cutting contact! 4 years later, I am so much better
It’s possible (likely even) for a parent to do the absolute best they could and STILL make mistakes that hurt their kid deeply. The difference is, some parents take accountability for it and hold space their for kids emotions. Other parents minimize the child’s experience and attempt to make the child feel as though they are being ungrateful for daring to speak up.
Speaking as an adult child, the biggest factor in estrangement in my case is a lack of accountability. BOTH of my parents were abusive throughout my childhood and teen years. I believed I'd have to cut them both off and be completely on my own when I left for college. However, my mom came to me before I left and apologized for her actions. She acknowledged that she had hurt me and said she wanted to make things right. She went to therapy with me, listened to what I had to say, and provided support for me. My dad, on the other hand, calls me crazy. He says our family was perfect (until the divorce, which he claims was entirely my mom's fault), that nothing bad ever happened, and that I'm completely fine and just making things up. Guess which parent I now have a healthy relationship with and which one is cut off?
Honestly, the fact that your mother was not only willing to admit she was wrong and that she hurt you, but also commit to changing her ways and actively doing everything she could do mend your relationship speaks volumes to her character. She is a human being who made a mistake, and she took accountability for her own actions and made the effort to better herself. Good on her.
"whether abuse was to you or to the other parent or to a sibling, or enabled someone else to hurt you or other clearly bad behavior". Being a parent doesn't automatically give you kindness, care or good morals, the qualities you should have. that is correct
Here is where I messed up as a parent: I got so involved in what I was going thru (divorce) I feel like my kids and what they were experiencing got put on the back burner. I made it all about me with the logic: "It's better for them if they see their mom working on her stuff so she can help them with theirs." IDK, parenting is hard but I chose them and fiercely love them, but I suffer from guilt over what I did.
I think for your kids it is the most important, that you actually see them and their side of the story. Its crazymaking, when a parent just deflects and minimizes the effect that their choices have. But you see it and own up to it. That is the first and most important step to rebuild the relationship, if its still possible. Ask them how it was for them, when you were divorcing, listen and try to empathize. And if they let you parent that vulnerable child that is still inside them, that needed you at that time, than do it. With acknowledging the pain and feelings of isolation, not being good enough, etc. that you unwittingly caused, parents can reach into the past and heal the wounds of their children. You have that power, use it, and your children will forever be grateful to you. But what is more, you can build a real bond between you.
I was always the one who called up my Dad to try to work out our relationship. After not speaking to him for a few years, I called him up again and he said he didn't know me anymore. I hung up the phone. Now 15 years later, I hear that he's been in the hospital a few times for his heart and I suspect he doesn't have long to live. I am estranged from most of the rest of the family. I don't want to go to his funeral when it happens. Several of the men in my family think that I need to go and make up with my father but they miss the point that I spent my whole life trying to do that and it was him that rejected me.
Excellent video. You hit all of the points. No person voluntarily orphans themselves unless there has been years, even decades of begging parents to change. It's not what they did wrong. It's the zero remorse, empathy or guilt. And many adult children have been parentified their whole lives and are just so tired. I heard years ago someone say the older they got, the worse they realized their parents were. And I agree. Like you think how could you have treated a child this way? And most of these parents didn't do the best they could. They did the most they were willing to give. If it truly was about them not knowing better, they would be sorry for how they treated their kids. Zero remorse means they knew better. They just didn't care. Also narc parents know how to hide their true self from others. So that proves they do know better.
I learned that my father is a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist (and my mother is co-dependent) a few years ago and went no contact. I've always known there was a big problem with our relationship but without learning the details of covert narcissism it was hard to identify so I kept communicating with them and felt awful. Now I've gone 100% no contact, I've never been happier.
Or how about just saying that you are SORRY that you sucked! That as the parent you dropped the ball? That you feel bad about any damn thing? If you child is no contact then there is a reason!
Yeah! And excluding the worst things, even if you did bad to them but acknowledge you did, respect their feelings and sincerely apologise, they will forgive you. If you aren't even capable of that, you deserve to get old and leave alone.
Just like other behaviors that used to be ok until we realized they’re bad, treatment like psychological abuse is no longer ok. That’s why people are waking away. Ya the politics don’t help but also brought out the ill lie if i want to emboldenness that my own narcissistic mother got from the politics.
In 2017 when I turned 18 it took me 3 days to pack wll my things and move out. I spoke to my mom for a few months after my step dad died to take care of her, but otherwise i do not speak to my family. It's been crazy hearing people complain for years and having already walked away i cant understand why people force themselves to stay
like who? can i get an example? Bc everyone I know whose gone no contact with someone was struggling with it for months or years and tolerated so many abuses to the point that their friends were begging them to no contact the abusers.@@kutie216
I'm glad people are talking about this. People used to look at me like I was crazy when I said that I don't speak to my mother. Whether you share blood or not, if someone is a bad person, they're a bad person. I'm not going to be around someone that is horrible and evil.
Worth mentioning that there is a cohort here not represented: I think my husband and I were great parents. Our children were loved, nurtured, thoughtfully disciplined and well educated. We respected their individuality and encouraged their dreams and talents. They had stability, community, faith family at church. We loved and supported each of them for their uniqueness. We helped them physically, emotionally and financially when they needed a little help (with healthy limits.) We were a close happy family. Then my husband died. The kids were all full adults (27-35) at the time. About a year after his death I started dating a man. The kids went absolutely ballistic. One kid came around to understand that I was lonely and wanted to keep on living. The other three have estranged themselves from me after deciding we were toxic self centered lousy parents. They took my beloved grandchildren away. I wish I had died too.
I did it way before it was a “trend” 😂 and to say it’s a trend demeans how painful of a process it is - and how it doesn’t come easy or without thought. For some people I’m sure it’s a very, very easy decision but it doesn’t make it any less difficult. Kids wants their parents, it’s unfortunately hardwired into us, and many of us tried for years before we decided to cut the chord
Most folks today are beyond fed up with the antiquated “Authoritarian” parenting style, which very closely resembles narcissistic personality disorder. It may have served its purpose when your child was an infant… or maybe if you own a dog. But it’s no longer acceptable to treat a grown ass adult like that, period! The delusions of superiority and infallibility, the whole “I can’t be wrong!” thing, along with the controlling/manipulative behavior are simply no longer going to be tolerated by most people.
Thanks for this video, it has been very helpful. I am trying to see things from my grown son's point of view. I agree with most of it. Lots for me to think about.
thank you for being open to understand your son's feelings. I wish my parents were open to the same. i want nothing more than to be close with my parents, but theyre too afraid to look at how they may have hurt me and choose, instead, to walk away from their daughter because it's easier.
This might be strange but I look at having a family as an investment. I work with elderly people and sadly, some of my clients have children who've gone no contact. This one client was so distressed that her only son has moved out of state and won't talk to her. As time went on, she had let slip that she was bad on drugs for years and that her mother actually raised her son. I still feel bad for her but you reap what you sow. I've never met a kid who was raised in a happy, healthy household to completely cut off a parent. It's truly sad 😢
Pretty much this. It is an investment and whatever it works out or not dependa on the work you put into it and such. The relationship yiu have with your adult kids is the reward or well grade you get for your preformance when they where young. Most i am such a sad lonely elderly stories started and ended with them having been abusive in sone way or another.... The sad sweet old men confesses on his deathbed he SAed his son and askes the compassionate nurse if they think the child ever forgave him.... Whay woule they and if they did, they would be there!!! I aleays had to be the adult in my relationship with my mother as an emotionally disabled autistic kid, we are low contact because every exchange is a sysiphus task, but I still visit at leat 6 times a year and put myself through the stress cause she tries to do better!!! As long as you listen to your kid and respect their bounderues, as long as you genuinly try, so will they!!!
My mom sent me a list of reasons to forgive your parent(s). I was like well first, forgiveness comes with an apology and she can’t even do that. Second, 2 things can be true at once. That’s how our whole dynamic my whole life has been due to her gaslighting, 2 things can be true at once. Yes you were traumatized and neglected yourself and that limited your ability to be a good parent, that doesn’t mean I sit there like a doll and just take it cause it’s all you know. I’m doing what you should have, but didn’t. It’s very unfair and maddening for her to watch I bet, but I am within every right to take care of myself. 🤷♀️ I also just love when she whines “I can’t be perfect, perfect doesn’t exist.” I never ever asked you to be perfect. I never even asked you do better, I never said a thing, I just wished every week wasn’t full of yelling will holes in the wall, broken windows, and much more. I know you can’t be perfect, I’m just asking you to not be abusive 🤓🤓🤓
Born in 77 so I'm that little micro-cohort. My childhood was a melange of trauma, neglect, and xtian oppression. The trauma and the neglect were because of my parents' toxic religious views (they always attended highly authoritarian churches, and they were adherants of james dobson). I went NC with my mom about 8 years ago because she kept going further and further down the right wing rabbit hole and I couldn't have a conversation with her anymore. She never acknowledged or apologized for the childhood trauma. She was just as culpable as my dad. However, my dad and I have been slowly repairing our relationship. The week before the lockdowns I got to visit him and we had a 4 hour long conversation. He apologized for his actions then, and I believe him. Why? He's changed his actions. He's not the same rage filled asshole he was in 1980. I want to extend him the same grace I give myself about myself. He also told me, "I am so deeply sorry I put the church before my family". That acknowledgement helps a lot too. He grew up in abject poverty in rural Illinois and Iowa with his 7 siblings and two parents. He went into adult with a lot of issues. But he and I both agree, we're stopping that generational trauma now. I never had kids, and he and his new wife (new as of 2001) have a son together who seems like he's turning out pretty well. I know he's also working to patch things with my other siblings. I 100% support people who are NC with any family 💚
wow. that second to last reel summed it up for me. "If I don't matter to anybody else, I have to matter to me". that's the core of it. No one else was looking out for my wellbeing and mental health, so I had to step up and protect myself.
“I’m not a perfect parent. I’m only human” And just like a human, you should be able to own up to your mistakes. Entitled parents seem to think saying “I’m human” absolves them of everything. Everyone’s human. But you still have to take responsibility for what you did wrong
@@Woodman-Spare-that-tree I used to argue with my mom in my own head even though I cut her out of my life, so I know what you're saying. It gets better with time though. Took me years!
@@PunishedKennygoing through this RN... I went NC recently... I hope this mindset ends soon for me... it's destroying my relationships with my roommates... tbh... whenever I tried to explain my past, they seem dismissive about it, despite their own traumas too....
@@Woodman-Spare-that-treeI was like that at first too. And now that my husband has been in contact with my MIL for a bit since his brother recently passed away, the rest of our household is still NC with her. But the lack of peace & bad dreams & anxiety are all coming back. So I know what you mean. But if you are able to go NC and NOT look back at all without major changes from them, you can be peaceful after some time. It took me a little over 6 months, I believe it was, to stop allowing them in my head constantly. Wishing you luck ❤
I have a wonderful relationship with my family, to the point that anyone who wants to date me has to go through them. Even I understand that not everyone grew up with that so people don't even really have ignorance for an excuse to push this 'BuT ThEiR YoUr PaReeEEEeeeNNnnnTTttsss' c**p.
I have finally put the pieces to gather and realized that my family has never loved me. Not only that, my mother has been abused me mentally and physically in so many ways since my birth, and she has ruined anything good in my life, and is still actively seeking to do it. And every single time, she says: I care about you and want what's best for you. The realization has become devastating, my heart is filled with sorrowfulness and anger. I actually figured it out 10 years ago, but I tried to hold on the slimmest possibility that my mom loved me, that she just didn't know how. Now I have finally accepted the fact that no, she does not, she didn't,and she actually hated me, held contempt towards me, and took away my chance of happiness because she was jealous of me. I was the scapegoat of her unsuccessful career, unsuccessful marriage, I was there for her to show the world what a devoted mother she was despite I was such a difficult kid to rise and she still needs to constantly worry about me, and sacrifice for me.
Thanks for making a video about an important topic. I went no contact because of abuse but I have heard about people going no contact because of values differences that they couldn't overcome. I think it's great that children have agency in their relationship with their parents - as you should in all relationships!!
I don't have children but I do have parents! They both have passed away. I certainly understand all that Adrianne is saying. Sometimes we don't like our parents at all. Sometimes we don't like the people we become around them. Going to therapy really helped me to identify all the ways my parents screwed up. I don't want to go into detail but it was serious. However, I have to say not cutting them off was more than worth it. And when one's parents are old and perhaps suffering from illness--it's a hard time but that suffering, those pressures turn into something really wonderful. It's not because suffering is good but really just because of grace. Suffering is bad but the grace and light that comes into those dark places....is everything and more than everything. With friends, you have mutual interests and maybe with parents you are in less and less agreement but one way or another going through the journey with them (with the support of friends, other family members and therapists!) somehow ends up really well. I went through some very, very, very tough times but I look back and I am so grateful. For everything--the bad times and the good. Also, don't think I went to therapy and my therapists just showed me "how my parents screwed up." They were good therapists and wanted the truth and provided a place for the truth to come out! I also learned about the ways I was recreating my parents' bad behavior. I learned how not to mimic certain things I saw growing up. And I hope that I learned how to understand people a little better, including my parents and have a heart for them and where they were coming from.
The third comment at 0:33 is why me and my dad have a relationship and me and my mom dont. My dad has taken any accountability and desire to be a different parent in the ways he can, and my mom is still… finding herself………….
my mom wasn’t the greatest when i was little. hell, she wasn’t great until i had turned 16 or so, and by that point i was excited to move across the country for college and never speak to her again. now? i’m in college and am going on a trip with her and my dad this weekend and i can’t wait. it took introspection from myself and my mom to get to this point, and our relationship has never been better. i’m lucky, and i would never blame someone who doesn’t talk to their parents anymore (unless it’s for genuinely the most obtuse reasoning). i was almost in their place, i have friends who are in their place. there’s a reason, there’s always a reason. even “political disagreement” is valid, especially in this day and age where people’s rights and livelihoods are on the line.
I think in many cases the reason why alone time is chosen over the company of others is that most of the connections nowadays are unhealthy /superficial/based on projection and/or transactional, so those are not safe, and the need for security is a more basic need, than the need for community. Media calls it individualism, but don't look into the fact, that we are are living in a deeply unhealthy society, and our ways of connecting is coming mostly out of survival mode, and not from true intimacy.
I know this was posted 4 months ago but I’m gunna share. I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in almost 20 years. She was very abusive, I tried talking to her recently over the years and it wasn’t good. Blaming everyone else and acting like the victim, even though I was 11 years old when put into foster care. Now the only relationship I have is with my aunt, who is also crazy but not the same as mother who’s extreme. But because we are relatives, I tolerate her and I definitely keep in mind we are from different time periods. Sometimes I just let her be right and just not argue back.
"If someone does a favour for you, do you have to do a favour for them?" No. Because all one has to do is change it from "a favour for" to "something awful to" and now suddenly it seems petty and vengeful. Why is a good deed to be rewarded and an awful deed ignored? Who is making these rules and to what end? Besides, growing up, being a good child was expected. Should I get compensated for choosing to not be a terror?
Bullseye! 🎯🎯🎯 Spot tf on, the level of pressure to reconcile from others towards the kids vs. their parents. It was a large part of the reason why I barely speak on my personal situation. I know my parents both suffered from physical & emotional abuse and did what was done to them. The saying "hurt people hurt people' really should be 'hurt people create more hurt people'. I actually am still afraid to raise my own kids for fear of doing them irreparable harm. Thank goodness for Therapy and researching psychology & mental disorders (i.e Narcissist). Mental health should be prioritized & normalized in our society and I would highly recommend that for anyone. Peace & love y'all!
it's the right thing because when our parents age they need more support to get by but if they're abusive you sometimes have to go no contact a very low contact to protect your mental health
"But she's your mooooom, how can you not want to talk to your moooom?" -> I'll give you her number, YOU talk to her -> ok why do you expect ME to talk to her if YOU don't want to talk to her either? That's like a literal conversation I had with a coworker.
A fact that is often missed is that "All types of people become parents." People often assume that you must be a good person because you are a parent. 😂
At some point, I realized I’d wasted my entire life (I was in my 30s) trying to be “enough” for my mother to like me, to be proud of me. But she can’t and she never will. I only exist in her world FOR her benefit. It’s always been my job to manage her moods and emotions, make her happy, act perfect in public so she can look good, but behind closed doors…hooo boy. Things are different. I’ll never be enough, be good enough, give her enough, whatever. So I quit trying and walked away. Her vitriol was then turned on my sister, who was shocked at the intensity. Sorry, sister. This is who she is. Living with her was like living under a surveillance state, and she no joke had spies in another state reporting on my sister’s comings and goings. I have no doubt she did the same to me. I don’t miss her. I have never missed her. She was SO SURE I would cry and want to come home early from summer camp when I was little. Nope. I cried when she picked me up. For the first time in my life, I’d had an entire week without someone screaming in my face. It was glorious. I never wanted to leave camp. She had a stroke in Nov 2023, and I showed up like I was supposed to and did my duty, along with my sister. Went again over thanksgiving and Christmas. She was so nasty at Christmas that even my Pollyanna husband is done with her. I hope she recovers well. I’m out.
My parents told me all my extended family hates me as a child and wants my downfall. This was to ensure I never tried to have a relationship with them. My parents were abusive to each other and would yell and scream, and threaten divorce every week. My dad would laugh in my face about the divorce while I cried. They scripted me going to see extended family to control the narrative. Interviewed us when we came home.
My mom never accepted I’m different than her. Buys herself gifts and says they’re for me. Treats me like I’m 6 but I’m 35. Denied anything she did. Won’t be sad when she’s gone. By age 18 she already expected me to take care of her as if she was in her 80s or disabled. She’s a taker for sure. She expects nothing but exceptional assistance then shoved in my face that clothed and fed me. Like gee! Thanks! Like the favor thing. I did the bare minimum, now give me your all!
I love seeing all those horrible parent-child-relationships bc it puts my own problems with my parents into perspective. Makes me realize that i love them with all their faults and they could've just been. So. Much. Worse.
I'm a stereotypical GenX. My mother never cared about me, always told me what a burden I was on her, and was extremely jealous of the relationship I had with my grandmother, her mother. It took me until my mid to late 30s to go no contact with her. My GenZ kids were tweens and basically had an intervention with me about how upset I was when we would see her and how they didn't like her, and she just ignored them so why do we need to be around her. I told them they were right and cut off contact. Best thing I've ever done. My kids are adults now and I don't harass them by calling every day, but we keep in touch and are very close. I've also told them it's OK to let me know if I'm doing something to make them upset or uncomfortable. I am not meaning to do it, but just tell me so we can talk about it or I can stop. I have always encouraged them to find their own path and try to make sure they know that not only do I love them, but I respect them and am very proud of them. I know I'm not a perfect parent. I didn't have anything to go by as my parents were pretty much absent, but i do know i never want my kids to have the relationship I had with my mother.
My dad was a very abusive narcissist, but he was still my dad. We all just worked around him at family events. He taught me a lot, good and bad. I never would cut contact with him, that’s not something I could do, but I was able to express my feelings and set boundaries with the help of a counselor. I don’t regret my decision but respect those who can’t deal with these type of people.
@@sarahloveless1726 I feel that a peer centric culture is far superior. It beats the, "I'm older. I'm superior so I'm going to bully and treat you like crap and not be accountable for treating you as a lesser and you'll like it and then maybe if you get old enough and I die then you can be 'in charge' and treat those younger then you with the same contempt I did." People are tired of that and rejecting it.
@@ellyk8834 What kind of thinking is that? Wisdom DOES come with age because it’s experienced. You TRUST that your parents have your best interests at heart and for the most part they DO. A lot of children are completely narcissistic and social media seems to be breeding that. It’s why it’s hard to take some of these comments seriously. Are their parents REALLY abusive? Sometimes I HAVE to wonder especially when people say peers are better influencers? Are you kidding me?
@@TheKnoxvicious And at what age does that come? My parents were acting like know-it-alls and infallible when they were in their 30's. I'm in my late 40's now. I've lived and experienced A LOT too. But it's funny, because regardless of how old we get, we child abuse survivors never manage to know what healthy behavior looks like, have an accurate assessment of our home life or how we were treated. EP's and the arrogance and superiority complex always come along (like you) and try deny our reality while knowing full well how you mistreated your children. It's in your language and y'all give yourselves away. Anyhoo, I love the gaslighting! "You TRUST that your parents have your best interests at heart and for the most part they DO." -- I did trust that (part of the abuse) and that's why when you learn about toxic family systems and Narcissistic abuse you realize what a profound lie that is. Saying the words and matching the behavior to that is where Narc's fail. "A lot of children are completely narcissistic and social media seems to be breeding that." -- And that behavior is learned by the children from their parent(s) at home. Even without social media my sister was well into developing her traits by double digit age. Narc's raise Narc's - there's another thing you Narc parents LOVE to avoid taking responsibility for while you deny that's how you are even behaving while demonstrating your Narcissism throughout this comment. But all the signs and behaviors you're demonstrating isn't the problem, right? It's all that horrible child of yours, right? Yeah that's the final sign of a Narc parent - nothing positive/good to say about their child and no connect to the fact that their adult child who is now not a hostage can walk the f^ck away from your crappy attitude and abuse. Loving parents speak well of their children - Narc's never do. That's how I spot the 'cut off for very good reason' parents... oh and that's why I can't take their comments seriously.
My mother and father are both from an older religious generation, and their minds are just full of hate and bigotry. I was raised to be kind and gentle, I don’t know why they became so hateful and suspicious of everyone… but it’s so hard to talk to them anymore.
My mother is a narcisist (not in a medical diagnose way) and my parent is an verbally violent alcoholic, i had no other chance but to cut them off, i tried my best to have a good enough relationship after i moved out, but after the way they reacted to my acident i realized that they dont and will never love me, love is something that should be freely given and unconditional, in my household love is something you should work for.
Having children is inviting the universe to permanently (or semi-permanently, as in the case of no contact) attach random strangers to your life. Babies are cute, but chosen family is infinitely better than rolling the dice.
Narcissistic parents treat children as their property, what can you do but leave completely or be molded into a toxic system where you are a perpetual slave forever. They seldom if ever change.
I think the “Child owes the parent” thing is literally just a leftover from ancient people where the elderly were both rare and generally needed the tribe to look after them while they were the source of knowledge and primary educators. Modern society now has better social safety nets to care for the elderly while also raising smarter and smarter children. It’s all about survival, and that’s becoming less of an issue in the 21st century.
Cut them out in 2016 when they joined Trumps cult. But then we never had a close relationship to begin with. I’d been considered it for years, as I got older I realised that they had been abusive parents and were just awful people in general. According to my sister, who still sees them occasionally now all they want to talk about is how much they hate trans people. Literally every conversation. It’s what their lives revolves around. Kinda sad and pathetic.
People who abuse have huge blind spots and can’t see the abuse and don’t see themselves as abusers until they do lots of healing and growth and study on what’s healthy and what’s abuse. Few recover until they have tons of pain in their lives and motivation to get better. Ask me how I know….
Very well said, even if I personally don't agree with 100% of what was said. The whole video was well put together, especially for someone who hasn't been through the no-contact experience. Unfortunately, for me it was like ticking all the check boxes and triggering memories while I watched the video. It's been years I went no contact, it's been years of therapy treatment without skipping a session, and I still have the nightmares, I'm still realizing I'm permanently damaged. I'm in my 30's, I'm a grown man, soon enough I'll be an old man, still dealing with childhood trauma.
It's not that difficult! Simply acknowledge what the adult "child" is trying to say, own your behavior/change it, and apologize. Takes all of several minutes.
i didn't want to cut my parents/family off either, even after they bound together to disown me because they didn't like that i was going to therapy and supported my brother's decision to cut me off from my niece for literally no other reason besides, "this will really hurt her." even after my aunt died, i still came back to my mom because i knew that was her only friend. and she STILL had vitriol for me and had the nerve to call me selfish even after i sent her an edible arrangement to offer my condolences. even after she had the nerve to ask me what makes ME so special that i would have the nerve to stand up for myself against their bullying tactics. but after i finally realized that nobody in my family, ON BOTH SIDES, not even my own mother, really cared about me enough to warrant staying close, i had to cut my mom off. that was the hardest thing i've ever done because i always reserved space for her as the parent who was at least trying but she really wasn't. she would pretend to be on my side and then promptly go talk shit about me to her sister/husband/son. i was always an orphan and that moment really hurt.
I have a lot of thoughts on why forgiveness is important as someone who follows Jesus, but apart from my own religious convictions on it, there are studies that show that it is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, reduced substance abuse, higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction. All that said - I've definitely seen people twist and manipulate what forgiveness means for their own toxic gain. It does NOT mean that you allow yourself exposure to a person or situation who has harmed you in the past. It's NOT a commitment to rebuild a relationship (reconciliation). It's NOT saying that the harm caused was no big deal. Forgiveness is simply a decision to try and replace negative feelings toward someone with positive ones, whether or not they deserve it. It's a process, and the hope is that eventually your emotions follow your decision as you choose to desire the best for someone who hurt you. But again, you can absolutely be no contact and choose to start the process of forgiveness, even as you maintain boundaries that keep you safe.
Treat your children as if they do have a choice. Even if you make them do things against their will, ideally they should be able to look back at that as adults and say "You know dad, you were right".
In some rare circumstances i think cutting people out of your life is justified. But as someone who has a family member who is not contact, if you cut people out of your life who you deem to not meet your standards of perfection your going to live a very lonely existence.
Anyone who brings perfection into the conversation is suspect... That's a super common estranged parent line - "My child expected me to be perfect!" and the answer is there is a huge area between being a 'perfect parent' and an abusive one. No one is cutting off people because of their lack of perfection.
That is rarely the case though. Most estrangememts do not come from an abused persons need for perfection. It is however, often used as an excuse by the abuser against the abused.
you sounds like someone who has never been forced into a corner and had to make the decision to go no contact. in my experience, i tolerated abuses for decades before pulling the plug. I mourned my parents deeply and still do, although they are still alive. they just refuse to engage in good faith.
@arielevaccaro6102 No I haven't, I think that's clear. But I am some who suffers the collective punishment of a family member who is none contact. I'm not the parent or the child in the situation.
I think the biggest issue is when parents don't want to make an effort to grow wit their kids in a way of being accountable of how they didn't do what they needed to do. In some ways my parents have made a change but only in a few areas. We do value different things and it results in more conflict. It is possible to make improvements but if the child doesn't see that the parents wants to improve the relationship where they change, estrangement or limiting interaction is a strategically good for your health. I love my parents but i don't see things in black & white anymore. I lost my naive mind and now can identify that my parents are not as nurturing as they pretend to be. Plus my CPTSD flashbacks confirm that they didn't know what my needs were. If you want to become a parent you have to understand that you need to make your kids safe from both bad influences from outside influences but also yourself. No one is perfect but the obligation of serving your parents adds pressure to the kids. I think parents should prepare for their old age. I agree with many things in this video
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
Im not wasting my time on someone who spent their time hurting me when I was most vulnerable
Very wise! So proud of you! ♥️💕♥️💕♥️
Yes
@@Mrsilic414 Delusions of infallibility and superiority, along w manipulative, controlling assholery behavior = "bizarre"
@@Mrsilic414 why are you so offended like this personally affects you?? oh wait..
@@iamz_mbie actually, witnessing mass group think and brainwashing is super offensive. As a human living on planet earth, I’m offended.
since nobody asked to be born there should be no reason to owe your parent for your existence. If you have a kid, its your responsibility to feed, clothe, house them, educate and care for them. If you don't want to do that either don't have kids or put them up for adoption. Imagine holding someone's birth over their head as a reason to force a relationship with them.
Too many parents think it is enough to make sure their children have clothes, food and a roof over their head, and completely ignores their emotional needs.
You are correct! Parents do not owe their children anything. Therefore, as soon as they reach the age of 16, they should leaver mom and dad’s, get a job and move on
@@pinfantino strange gaslighting there 🤣 parents are *literally legally responsible* for their children (in many places past the age of 16) even if one's so callous to preach your ridiculous sort of mindset 🙄 as the op *actually* said, no one *asks* to be born so if people procreate they *absolutely* "owe" their offspring
@@pinfantinoyou must be a subscriber to Ruby Franke and Jody Hildebrandt’s Connexions group. You’d fit right in there 😂
@@Angaloth19 I think pinfantino was being sarcastic and you missed it.
Narcissistic parents cannot see that they did anything wrong, even if they were horrific. It’s mental.
YUP🖐️ We're the personal toxic shame dumpster for our selfish, weak parents. To both hate and love the same person so much. Thanks mom.
@@ddhqj2023 keep living your delusion knowing your child grieved having a safe and loving parent long before they gave up doing the work you wouldn't
Until you knock the memory back in their ass. Pain always works.
It's not a disability lol they just don't WANT TO
literally
As a parent myself, my children owe me nothing. I choose to have children. They did not have a choice.
But they don’t have the right to be a selfish asshole.
@@matthewthompson5792 nobody is saying they do. But being selfish to protect yourself from an abusive parent is often necessary.
@@silversmoke6these other comments do not pass the vibe check lol. imagine thinking “not all parents” out loud and still thinking you’re right 😅
i am genuinely confused as to where you're seein anyone say that "ALL" parents are abusive. like that was no where in the op's comment. Why are you so defensive?@@ddhqj2023
True but it would be nice to have them in your life
I don't expect my parents to be perfect, but I do expect them to be able to apologize and act like decent human beings if they've done something hurtful
I know that I made horrible mistakes with my oldest. I apologize and I try to really talk through how I hurt them. I parented, at the time, out of my own abuse and pain. I didn’t know that was what it was, but that’s what it was. My dad’s apology was, “I’m sorry you feel that way-“ A non-apology. I won’t do that to my oldest. If I can help heal what I broke, I feel like that helps him way more than what I got.
Did they misgender you?
@@Amabadam nope they were just worthless
This!
Im not going to give away my peace to someone incapable of change.
Amen!
This is exactly it.
So proud of you ♥️💕♥️💕
I accept that my father did the best he could with the knowledge and resources he had at the time. That doesn't mean I have to hang out with him.
Yup I accept that my mom had her issues but I don't want that relationship with her now because she never laid the groundworks for us to have an equal open relationship.
@@amandaford8730 So I guess the question is, do you punish your parents when you become an adult or do you accept their shortcomings like you would for friends, and try to just touch bases once in a while?
I get it, I really do. I have a mother who's mothering style caused me to raise my girls by doing exactly the opposite. And my mom hasn't changed in a lot of ways at all. She's often accusatory, unfair, never respects me enough to listen to my opinion on anything, but I know that she did the best she could with her meagre abilities to build relationships. So I respect what she did (made sure we had food and a roof over our heads, etc.), keep in touch because I do care and want to be there for her if she's in trouble (87 years old and living on her own) and our relationship happens in phone calls every few days. I'm not punishing her for all the hurts I've felt coming from her because as an adult, I've decided I can move past that.
@@amandaford8730 Hope you at least have the integrity to somehow notify her of how you feel about what you mentioned.
Would be extremely cowardly not to.
Sometimes, they may have no clue as to what you’re upset about and why you made the decision to go NC… which just isn’t right.
@BAsed_AFro You do not owe someone who treated you like shit an explanation that they treated you like shit. Protecting yourself from bad people is not cowardly. Stop.
If a parent has "no idea" why you cut them off, they're not going to listen to you when you tell them. This has been proven over and over again by almost everyone who has tried to communicate about this.
@@yourworstfan There is a huge trend today of younger folks ghosting their parents (and others) simply for mentioning something that does not align with what they think/how they feel about whatever.
This is incredibly cowardly, and flat out wrong.
Why should adult children have to "fix" a relationship with selfish parents who don't respect them?
Absolutely 100% correct. Little story time if you care too hear it speaking of disrespect and selfishness during COVID19 CaronaVirus pandemic I wanted too get vaccinated so Id be protected from getting infected so being an adult my choice was disregarded and disrespected and I ended up getting infected because of my family’s selfish disgusting toxic behavior. Do you think it’s disrespectful or selfish?.
@@harrisonwallace3498 Are you saying that you got vaccinated but still got infected?
Harrison, I’m sorry to hear about your experience.
I’m not sure if you still live with your parents? I hope that, with time, you are able to assert your autonomy and personal choices - such as, if you want to vaccinate yourself against a virus, you are able to do this and will not be controlled by your family in a way that goes against your wishes.
Individuation is an important part of becoming an adult. Being able to protect your boundaries - especially over your body and health - is essential.
I’m sending my love to you and hope that you have recovered well from Covid. 🕊️ x
@BAsed_AFro No, Harrison is saying that they wanted to get vaccinated but their family discouraged or blocked them from doing so.
@@pimmspimms5462 In your own words, how would you describe the true benefits that you received from having had the covid vaccines that those who had none missed out on/went without?
I'm quite glad there's young people going no contact with their toxic parents to achieve a happy life. I've finally gone no contact with my family six weeks ago at the age of 52. I feel like I've wasted my life being abused and just now learn how to heal my trauma.
congratulations on your difficult decision & best wishes with your healing journey 💚
im 32 and no contact with both parents and a sister (my dad did the no-contacting me recently after I set boundaries around political arguments in my presence.) The mourning is really hard, but I've had consistently better health since.
Im in my 30s and gone no contact with my family the 7th year now. This is the problem with society: any random person can have a kid, and for whatever reason they have in mind, and somehow assume these kids will have to stick around these ridiculous parents and satisfy their expectations. It should never have been that way. No one should be given the right to just create and own / control another human.
You are you, you live your life, you can do it!
Never go back to any of them, little fawn. Not for any reason. Well done. 💕🙏🏻
Well done. I’m adopting you as my own precious child. I am so proud of you. Stay away from anyone who is abusive. Never, ever go back. Love, Your internet mom. 💕🌿
I’m 48. I’ve been no contact with my mother since 2013. What is new is that a lot of people are ABLE to talk about it. Social media has enabled this new phenomenon.
Before digital age, you only had family, friends and coworkers to bounce personal stuff off of or keep it to yourself. Christian culture ruled most spaces. Shaming people and bullying about this topic was why people stayed in abusive relationships.
SALUTE!!
Christianity doesn't tell you to stay in contact with narcs. - There are several christian videos about it here on YT.
@karenabrams8986 l don't think l could have said it any better. Your post is so valid, l could read it again, it's so true.
@@qq84 why are you so defensive? this isn’t about religion
@qq84 nowadays, yes..But what about in the past? But I am glad you said this.
I'm in my 60's. My mom passed away when I was 10. My dad essentially checked out and left me alone to fend for myself. My father's family never cared for my mother, and I was pretty much ostracized by them as well. I was fortunate to have neighbors who helped raise me along with their own families. I pretty much had only a nodding relationship with my father for the rest of his life, as he only came around if he needed something. I never hated him, I just thought of him as a vague acquaintance. No animosity, just sort of apathy. When he passed, one of my aunts verbally attacked me, claiming that my lack of involvement in his life caused his demise. He was 88 and passed from cancer. He had his family, (which I was not part of) and I had mine, which picked me. There's a lot to be said for independence and the "family" you choose.
The same situation happened to me: mother passed away at 11 years old and my father just couldn’t be bothered. I recently went no contact with all my siblings and my dad … but I am dreading getting the news of his passing at some point. I’m 35 and he’s 73…
No one chooses to go no contact easily. I wish more people could understand that (unlike your aunt who blames you).
Believe it or not, most people won't blame you. Sometimes you just have to let go. You have your reasons for no contact.@@GGVanilla
Try not to dread it. He only donated some genetic material. He wasn’t thinking of you when he did it. They sound like awful people. Don’t dread it, little fawn. ♥️💕♥️💕
Spot on. I foresee this for myself, unfortunately.
So now you know what he said about you when he visited HIS family. He doesn't even consider YOU to be part of HIS family. It's very telling how he wants to keep you separate, so he can gaslight HIS family to be on his side against you, even if you are his OWN CHILD. It's sickening. My mother does this too. I've told her I now want nothing to do with HER family.
I am a parent, my children are honoured guests in my life. Some people just don't get this.
I’m a parent as well and I love how you called them “honored guests”. The implication that they will leave one day so enjoy them while they’re here is absolutely beautiful telling of the truth to me. My littlest is 3 and she loves to “Cheers 🥂” at every drink she’s served and I just adore it and pray she wants to celebrate with me forever, but fully prepared to watch her walk into her own story one day ❤
your comment reminds me of Kahlil Gibran on Children:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
But I'll bet you hope that she'll be your friend when she does begin her own life don't you? Well, all I can say to that is don't hold your breathe and have zero expectations that because you're being fair and supportive, that she'll do that. Things definitely don't always turn out like you expect.@@elizabethhinton6781
What a lovely person you must be. ♥️💕♥️💕
Yes! And when you treat your children this way they will never abandon you!
My mother was so shocked with the frequency and sincerity I apologize to my child. Yeah... And he actually LIKES me lady. This is your sign. Go no contact. It's incredible. ❤
Great comment. ♥️💕♥️💕
Dude, give it 10 years. You have no idea what you’re in for.
@@Mrsilic414
I haven’t had any issues.
@@Mrsilic414my eldest is almost 13. My youngest is 8. I have 4 kids. I related to this comment because I say sorry to my kids all the time. Especially bringing them into this world. Because 13-14 years ago? The world was a very different place. No. I don’t feel even remotely different. And my eldest is very mature and on occasion more nasty to me than ever. It’s those years and kind of to be expected and typical.. they are children and the ones still developing. I’m the adult. I have thick skin and know how to be the bigger person. I am wrong too sometimes. Or I didn’t fully understand. We are both learning and growing together, on this journey. We still have a great relationship. We’re still super tight knit. And we do sorry and taking accountability of our actions and when we are wrong. And actively communicate and listen. And each of us have our space to be who we are. And room. And have respect for one another and the others feelings and experiences are always validated. The type of love I only wish my parents had for me growing up. Or the respect I wish they’d still have for me, now.. my kids tell me everything and they’re my best friends and I think that’s beautiful.
My mom always preached that you can’t be your kids friend. But I don’t agree with that. As long as you know when to be a parent too. There is nothing wrong with being your child’s best friend. And I don’t have iPad kids. We don’t even have an iPad. And I don’t let my kids on social media. My kids are better behaved and advanced in maturity than most other peoples kids, honestly. Everyone always thinks they’re older or we’re all siblings. They’re all the same size as me already. My 8 year old comes up to my chin, already. His dad is 6”4. He’s TALL.
I feel like I have teenagers already but I feel blessed. I love teenagers. Another thing I don’t have in common with my mother.. she hates teenagers ☠️
I choose to hold onto remembering what it was like. My mom has way more of an age gap between me and her. Than I do with my kids. I’ve never felt relatable to her, honestly. My kids and I have a lot more in common and we hold similar beliefs and views. And I don’t force them to think any way. They just normally tend to agree with me and like how I view things. I like how they view things at times too. I may even take their lead at times because they’re sometimes right too. And their input always matters to me. This is their home and their space too. I always say they’re my best interior decorators. lol
If anyone has a problem with that? I have a problem with them. I respect my children and what they say they want and need. It’s valid. That’s literally my job. I signed up for it. And it’s my responsibility to live up to that. And forever advocate for them. Since the world seems to be built on not taking children seriously, for some reason, like ever. We need to be their voice at times.
I agree with mrsilic414.
In 10 years, what you know now to be your strength (apologizing, sincerity) could likely be deconstructed to be weakness or feebleness or disrespect of self.
Why is it so damn hard for them to say SORRY? The closest I got from my dad was “sorry you have a mental illness” (CPTSD). Yeah, you caused it, because you would rage into my bedroom, punch holes in walls, belt me to the point I was terrified of my bedroom door opening for any reason. The sound sent me into a panic attack! My mom would block the door and kick me in the shins. Yet he calls it “well I tried my best but I think you’re remembering it wrong”. That was the last straw. A lonely deathbed is in my parents’ future and idgaf!
Amitting they were wrong would indicate they are not perfect. Not being perfect causes a narcissistic traumatization which brings them a lot of pain. And they always cherish their own well being more than their children's well being.
It's so fucking strange, isn't it? That they can't even apologize, they can't see their fault in any of it. It's always about THEM and anything you do to assert otherwise is an attack. I got all of the abusive beatings as well. My mother once told 6 year-old me to "stop provoking him, you bring this on yourself." When I told my father I hated him in my 20's and never wanted to see him, his words to me were "well, you hurt me, too, son." ......What?! That moment really sealed it for me as to how self-involved they are. The loneliness of CPTSD and no family is awful - but I feel far better than I ever did having them in my life.
@@humanelements2 I share your pain too as someone with CPTSD due to domestic abuse. There were times i even considered suicide but didn't want to because i actually wanted to be loved and live in a different way rather than being beaten casually. It was like a warzone where even a small mistake could trigger the bomb. Although i still depend on my parents financially, i am trying to become fully Independent so i can atleast become stress-free. Living with my parents even caused me to have some white hairs and i still have only 20 years. The worst as a child was the gas lighting making me think i was the wrong one for being beaten and definetely not them releasing their accumulated stress on me. I can't even imagine how can someone even beat a 2 years old child badly without any remorse or consideration.
I'm 64. My kids are happy, successful adults.
I enjoyed them SO much as they were growing up and they grew up way too fast.
The hardest thing about being a mom is letting them go to be the adults you prepared them to be.
As a homeschooling mom who tutored and homeschooled other people's kids as well, I saw a pattern over and over.
If parents didn't give respect to their kids, valuing their boundaries, and enjoying just spending time with them, the kids did not grow up to respect their parents, value their boundaries, and enjoy spending time with them.
One of my daughter's friends was expected to move out when she graduated high school and her mom even told me she couldn't hardly wait. I had a difficult time even imagining that. I was dreading the time when my kids would move out. But I had been preparing them to be self- sufficient from the time they could walk.
Like I said, I homeschooled them. When they turned sixteen, they got their G.E.D.s and tested into the community college (at grade level, btw!). I drove them there until they got their driver's licenses.
They had a checking account and debit card from the time they were 12. They were given an allowance for gas, lunches, and personal items.
They were expected to do chores around the house - because members of a household help care for the house, guests don't. They helped with grocery shopping and I taught them how to shop, how to plan meals, and the basics of cooking. (My son really enjoyed cooking, my daughter did not. Lol)
I taught them the basics of laundry and buying and mending clothes.
I taught them the care and maintenance of a home and of a car.
When I drove them to school or karate or church, I would talk about traffic laws, and defensive driving around crazy drivers, about how a car engine works and why you change the oil and windshield wipers, and check the tire tread and pressure.
All of this before my kids were 18.
When they turned 18, I told them I would no longer tell them WHAT to do or even they should be home or go to bed, but I expected them to respect my house like they would respect anyone's home where they might be staying.
I told them they were legally adults now, but psychologically they weren't mature until they were 25. So this time between 18 and 25, they were to get used to making their own decisions, getting themselves to school and work and helping around the house as they saw fit. This was when they could make mistakes and I'd still be here to help as their safety net.
I had been slowly offloading responsibility AND authority as they had grown older and started college (16 yo), and they made the transition gradually and very successfully.
It took them awhile to get used to just letting me know they wouldn't be home, instead of asking permission, but I would remind them and they got used to it.
My son decided to get his own apartment when he was nearly 24, but he was getting serious about a girlfriend and felt he should trying living "without his safety net" before he took on that responsibility. I hated to see him go (and he knew that) but I thought he was very wise and told him so.
I wasn't a perfect parent, but mutual respect, honoring boundaries, and apologies cover a multitude of sins.
My daughter is married with two kids and my son, who is a year older, will be married in June next year and we have very good relationships.
It hurts my heart that there are so many broken people who attempted to raise children who ended up being broken as well. I wish I could just gather them all up - the parents and the adult children - and love them they way they should have been loved.
❤ & Absolutely!!~*
Any father in the picture?
i wish my mom was more like you
You did a lot, I’m very similar. Did your husband do anything? Were you a single parent?
We also homeschool and have a garden, our son attends a nature school with us once a week. It’s important that we teach him life skills, how to start a fire outside, how to sew, how to grow food, and to always be curious and question things. I also speak to our son about safety & have a whole list of documentaries we will show him in the future, books to read, etc. we want him to be prepared for life. Sounds like we have similar values, it’s nice to see your comment here on youtube. Great job! :)
I can't tell you how many times I've heard "But that's your mother". Exactly, why would she of all people be so abusive to me? What kind of mother does that and why is everyone automatically on her side and not mine?
Right?! People never say to the parent: "shame on you, that's your own child." Double standards are BS.
@@jadziamerryweather77888 To be fair, a lot of people *do* say that to abusive parents. As they should. It doesn't happen enough, though.
@@yourworstfan No, that's very rarely / (next to) never being said to abusive parents.
And that is why all I want is to be alone
My mom used to call me at least 8x a day and text me 20x a day. Destroyed my peace of mind, my relationships with women and tried to Destroy my dreams. I had to cut her off for my own peace of mind and happiness. Imagine you go on break for work and you have 10 missed calls and 14 texts. Just think about it... then she would pop up at my house everyday on the weekends. I had to go no contact or i would have literally snapped and ended her. Literally...
I feel you, literally anyone can have a kid, no questions asked, this is the problem with society, and that woman who popped you out happened to be really bad because of this. Its NOT your fault.
Emotional incest is a thing.
Terrible.
Calls and text: that’s my mom! It’s annoying
@@timsy6869 it's ridiculous
That's what old people do. You have to be a real piece of shit to cut off you mother for reaching out to you. Our generation is so selfish it is unreal.
The phrase “they did the best they could” is possibly the most triggering & false claim I’ve ever heard. Was it really their best? Doubtful. Accountability is the name of the game, and neglectful parents will rarely hold themselves accountable. No contact since November and I feel free. When you ignored someone their entire life, don’t wonder why they learned to live without you 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone would say this about my mom, and I've always disagreed. Grandpa would beat her and her logic to me would be "Be grateful that I don't beat you as bad as I was beaten."
I never replied out loud, but always thought "I'd be grateful if you didn't beat me at all"
Especially the fact that our parents are old enough to know better, I’ll give teen moms a slight pass but if your toxic past 40 you know better 😵💫😵💫
I thought for years that my mom did her best. Even after she told me years ago never to call her again after a fight that she started. I got an unusual chance to attempt to explain once again my perspective on my life and all she did was gas light and deny like she always did. She didn't do the best she could she didn't give a s***.
"They did the best they could...be bothered to do!"
Even if it was the best they could, does not mean it was enough, it does not make your trauma invelid or means you owe them anything.
Doing your best while not seeking therapy you absolutely need to be able raising a child is not really the best you could do.
If the best you can do is neglecting one child after the other, then damned dont birth another child only to have it almost starve to death in your care!!!
This young woman makes so much sense. Why don't people just ask, "Kid, why don't you want to hang around with me?" Easy enough. Thank you, Adrianne
They are afraid of the answer.
Because no mum wants to be told that the kids hate her so it's easier to not ask.
They have asked and yelled at me for 30 mins why it's my fault for the way I feel and the way they feel. It's easier to say nothing. You do well and they beg you back. Hangout with them and they even still blame you on things as a child
Ask? These ppl have been told in a hundred ways with probably a million tears. Mom "" I Just want to understand". Umm no you don't!!! Because you've ignored everything I've provided you with, or abused me more for it!!! Please don't say easy enough when you clearly don't know anything about it
"Because ur controlling, often wrong about things, manipulating, always blaming me for your problems, making me fulfil your dreams instead of allowing me to live my life, making me a care taker for old age, making me make money for you, forcing me to do things your way etc, thats why"
Behind every child that has cut off their parents is a parent that is an abuser. Don't believe the crocodile tears of abusive parents as they feel sorry for themselves. Either they are willing to admit their wrongdoing and make amends, or they aren't. It's that simple.
NO! I was never abusive or unkind. The partner has brainwashed him to think I am awful. I am ok now... I would hate to force someone to have me included in their lives so treat me like I am dead then they can have the life they want
@@cathyfulford593I bet he told you to stop and/or apologize for something and you refused. It’s classic
@@Enriquez2222 stop what? No I apologised even though he couldn't tell me what I was apologising for?
What sort of wrong doing are you talking about?
@@cathyfulford593 Ignore those people Cathy. They don't know your story, they don't know you. They are people who were likely hurt when they were children and have never reached a maturity that can acknowledge that not everyone is like their parents. Some people don't grow up. With those kinds of attitudes of blaming strangers for things they haven't a clue about, it's not a stretch to imagine that Enriquez or world adventure....won't be dumped by their kids one day.
Agree, I have never ever seen a video about estranged parents where they actually confess and admit that they have done anything wrong. They always act like they are both saints and the victims, and have no idea why the children they claim they have sacrificed everything for have cut them out of their life.
Emotional and mental abuse is ignored way too often because it leaves no marks on the body.
I can't speak on the behalf of anyone else, but for me it is totally irrelevant if it has become more common to talk about the topic or not. I would have cut off my father no matter if the internet didn't exist or what the social rules says about it. After all, adult estranged children also existed hundred years ago, even if it was less common.
There are many articles, videos, letters, books, comments etc. by parents who acknowledge that they were flawed in their parenting. Also, it is true that there are parents who were harmful toward their children but have no self awareness that they were harmful, or the depth of harm they caused.
@@kevinhornbucklePerhaps these videos exist, but as I said, I have never encountered any of them here on youtube. Can't remember reading any articles about it either.
Maybe because the ones who abused don't want to talk about it because it means admitting wrong doing. Whereas the mom's (usually) who do talk about it, tried to do it all right, it didn't work out like they anticipated and now they are left with only pain and they hope to find sympathizers to their suffering. Doesn't everyone always say, 'just talk it out/ you'll feel better if you talk about it'? Well they do that and all of you call them abusers even though you were never in their homes and don't know their family stories. All of which is terribly unfair and judgemental. You take it upon yourselves to add to their hurt.
@@ddhqj2023 That is BS excuse. It's exactly because it implies admitting wrong that it matters. You can't tell someone to be responsible while you're acting irresponsible. If your ego matters more than your kids, fine, but stop whining about the results then. Apologising can be a big step just like making amends, but most do what ? Use and blame their generational traumas to the extent of thinking that it allows them to hurt their own kids. Never doing the work, refusing the harm that has been done and acting like victims. It's your job to heal yourself, not your kid's roles or responsibility. Who's the adult really ?
I can't fathom how those types of parents complain about their kids finally breaking the generational trauma that they could have broken themselves. Does that mean continuing to abuse matters more than being in contact with your children ? That's literally how it comes off.
if you want to be taken seriously sitting on a wrinkled bed may not be the best backdrop.
It’s not just GenZ it’s also Millennials older ones like myself who grew up constantly being silenced. And now that my mother is older she continues the same gas lighting, controlling, manipulating lies….neglect and emotional abandonment. Everything is about her!!! Isolating me throughout my life from family yet when family benefits her she still talks to them. Talking to people who don’t even like me….i can’t do it anymore
This is exactly my experience! 😭😭
Yup! I just typed the longest response then realized I was trauma dumping . Anyway same girl same
It is not a generational issue. To think it is is very naive. I am a tail end boomer. It is the very same for my generation and the one before me. I stopped over a hundred years or more of generational abuse by choosing not to have children and I so respect others who do the same. No regrets at all. And even less regret at cutting off my profoundly abusive parents, one of whom is still alive at 85 and still hurting people and animals all she can.
Stay strong. 💐 It's not your fault and you deserved kinder, more loving parents.
Edit: your*
Millennial here with a highly narcissistic, mean unaffectionate single mother who is still toxic. Yes we had a roof over our heads but we had to clean the whole place, thank her for it and better not say a word about!!! I will never treat my daughter that way. She always blows up when I stand up for myself and turns into an emotional wreck. I have given up trying to make her like me. I focus on being a better mom to my daughter than she was to me.
I'm a millennial who cut off contact from my parents. I'm also disabled from birth. I can hold compassion for my parents to a degree because parenting two disabled offspring is hard. At the same time, I can't build or heal relationships when they won't bother to acknowledge their mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive parenting behaviors. That caused trauma and they want to pretend it never happened. The universe doesn't owe parents able-bodied children and parents of disabled children shouldn't be given a pass when they're assholes because parenting children with disabilities is "extra" hard.
I’m a father of six (yes I know). They have all grown up to independent, intelligent and caring adults. I feel very privileged to be a part of their lives. They don’t have to care about me, but they choose. I don’t take them for granted, I need to put in hard work to earn them.
♥️💕♥️💕
U did good.
I am going on 6 years of being estranged from my family, but I am an old Millennial/cusp Gen X. Long story short, my father was abusive and my mother enabled it. Therapy introduced me to the concepts that not forgiving is OK if it doesn't help me heal, and going NC is OK as well.
🕊 and hapless to you
I went NC and I held fast until he passed. I don't regret it.
My heart goes out to you for your hard experiences. From my understanding, forgiveness is always good for our health because it frees us of anger and bitterness and resentment than negatively affects our health and our ability to not take that pain into the future. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves to heal and move forward in our lives. It took me a long time to understand the truth that forgiveness and trust are two different things. They are not the same! We can forgive, but that doesn't mean that trust is rebuilt in the relationship if harmful behaviors aren't changing. We can forgive and still need to love and respect from a distance that is safe and healthy for us. Forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship automatically goes back to the dysfunctional "normal" or that what happened was okay or not harmful, and it's doesn't mean that we can't protect ourselves from further harm. I wish this was more understood in society. I hope you continue to find healing. ❤️
@@KittyCuties33this is just incorrect and a massive generalisation. Forgiveness isnt required for healing
@silversmoke6... I can see where you are coming from and how you may have before felt like you were forced to. I'm glad we are both learning about the power of choice. I do also believe that our choices lead to different results with the path we choose, and we can choose differently if we are not liking the results. I believe there is both nuance/complexity and some objective truth of what is healthy or unhealthy for ourselves and our relationships of the different choices we make. Both nuance and truth can work together in beautiful ways. We are not required to, no; we all have a choice, but I do believe forgiveness is a healthy and healing choice. I have discovered differently from you in my own healing journey when I'm not progressing towards forgiveness, and that's okay too. I end up going backwards in my progress, so I'm working towards the other direction which can take time. We all choose which healthy tools we need at different times, and sometimes we aren't ready for certain steps yet. We each are at different places, and that's okay. I hope you are finding tools that are helpful to you at this point in your healing. While I don't wish to reply after this, I wish both of us well in our unique healing journeys. ❤️
I think if parents are not abusive and they are healthy and raise happy children, the adult child will not go no contact, it’s unlikely.
Disagree. If a son meets a woman and she brainwashed him to hate the mum ...then that is what happens!
Unless they partner up with a lady that tells them the parent is toxic where there was no issue before her.
Actually in the case of parental alienation it’s quite common, sadly.
What if the parent goes NC on the child?
@@cathyfulford593 Then either the mum didn't do a good job educating the son, or the mum thought she was raising her son properly. Ever got a parental license btw? If not, how does the mum know shes good?
My mom died 8 years ago in my 20s. I was devastated when she died, and she still haunts my dreams, which pisses me off. She was a very shitty mom, and I spent my whole life trying to make her love me. My dad was trash too, but he helps me maintain my house and does enough for me to talk to him. We have disowned eachother before and I would do so again. Both kicked me out on the street plenty of times and I had a horrible childhood.
Oh, and after drinking with my brother tonight, I remember my dad refusing to press charges against my step moms nephew for SA ing my at 14 yo after her meth dealer got me drunk for the first time in my life.
Oh, and that as an adult when my dad kicked my baby brother out and I begged him to let me raise my baby brother he instead let him go and live with the man that sexually assaulted me as a child.
I'm sorry. these bad things happened to you. You did not deserve a bad childhood or shitty parents. It may be helpful to understand that you can grieve the loss of a mother you never had. You move through grief rather than allowing it to block you, ideally. Something was really wrong with your mother if you EVER wondered whether she loves you. The worst case scenario is that she was traumatized by her own parents and she became a cruel and vindictive person who took out her anger on her child. Some parents actually believe that since they had shitty childhoods, their kids therefore have no right to a happy childhood. If you decide to let go of the anger you have toward your parents, it will be for your benefit, not necessarily because they deserve it.
is your brother safe now?@@jessicasmith6873
i also struggle with immense guilt for what my mom did to my siblings and what my dad allowed. i have to remind myself often that they are adults now, safe with their partners and a text/call away at any time. we all struggle with mental health issues, for sure. but we have each other and it sounds like your brother has you
"Parents are doing their best." So they say. Some parents do their WORST. People wouldn't defend a murderous parents (like Diane Downs) as "doing their best" (but if they defend, I think they are in deep denial and most POSSIBLY need mental help, in my opinion!).
Scary to think that Diane Downs was doing her best, but what she was doing wasn't to benefit anyone but herself because she was a broken person. It's sad, but naturally much more sad for her children.
People often tell me that my mother "did her best", but nobody recognizes that I did my best, too, and it was never good enough for her. Any more, when anybody tells me "she did her best", I reply, " Yes, well her best still sucked."
@ladyv5655 Mom would tell me "You should be grateful I don't beat you like my father beat me" and then other people would tell me "She's doing her best"
Her best would've been realizing that beating a child is wrong.
@@5Demona5 It is perfectly possible for someone to do the best they are personally capable of, and for their best to simply fall far short of acceptable.
Abusive parents are not doing the best they can. We need to stop glorifying 2 people who engaged in intercourse. This is nonsense. Respect is earned. No exceptions.
these parents call you ungrateful and disrespectful while making you feel like you’re not enough and not taking you seriously. gross
You know what’s gross? Groupthink.
@@Mrsilic414 it's not "groupthink" to not put up with parents treating you badly. We don't owe our parents anything because it was their choice that we're here in the first place.
Not sure if you're stupid, or just don't understand that.
@@Mrsilic414 Agreeing with someone else is not groupthink, you agree with people on things as well
@@Mrsilic414 maybe you should actually listen to your child instead of acting like everyone else is the problem
Fuck all that. An entire generation of narcissistic boomer parents doesn't deserve any type of grace or explanation. It's no wonder we're all screwed up, on medication, and in therapy.
Your gonna continue to de screwed up, as long as you continue blaming others, take responsibility for yourself yourself yourself
People have always been messed up an old horrible.
Before boomers people werent better.
People who try to guilt someone into contact with their parents because they had sex and decided to have a baby and failed their child in some way need to go seat down some place. Basically, what these ppl is saying is you have to endure abuse, mistreatment, and disrespect simple because they are your parents. In no other relationship would someone tell another human to stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of the abuser. My uncle is a Broomer and he cut his parents out of his life in the 80s. I think other generations have done it, they just don't talk about it because of the guilting. For me I always knew I was going to cut my mother out of my life, she was evil and abusive, and I regret nothing. Also, most adult children try really hard to make it work with their parents, after a while you have too safe yourself.
What most children have in common is that they work very hard to please their parents and get their approval. But when they grow up with constant negative feedbacks (or lack of feedback), they eventually stop trying and in the end realize they will never be good enough.
@@Langkowski Amazing how all of you generalize and assume that every adult child is the same and every parent is the same too. So does that mean that all you adult children will become your abusing parents?
@@ddhqj2023 Please, stop embarrassing yourself. It only makes you look stupid.
@@ddhqj2023 I thought we didn't have abuser parents and anyone who reports abuse is making it all up. That's what I keep getting told and then there's the opposite where we're accused of being just as abusive as our parents for ending contact. It's kinda an admission that the parents are most often abusive or dysfunctional in some way that leads to estrangement. EAC know that and EP's deny it. Everyone knows where the issues started and it's not the 'children'. Toxic and unhealthy starts with the parents.
@@ddhqj2023 Every parent is not the same. But almost all parents who have NO IDEA why their adult children don't talk to them have shockingly similar thought patterns, which many of them express openly to each other and to complete strangers on the internet.
I remember when i was 6 my parents took care of my great-grandma.
And since the day she died my parents have been telling me that i owed it too them to take care or them because they took care of grandma. It wasnt until i was 22 i realised that doesnt make sense ontop of the fact that i really didnt want too because of the abuses.
Exactly! My grandmother recently passed, and I had to fight my mother to keep from putting her in a nursing home, something she had always let me know was her biggest fear. I gladly helped take care of her because I love her and she was my rock. My mother will not get that treatment from me or my sister. If she doesn't calm down with my brother, she will be alone as he is on the brink of going no contact as well.
Interesting. I tend to agree. I commented on a video a while back titled "what to do when you become estranged from your child". Looking through the comments not one parent commenting took responsibility what so ever. It was all about what was wrong with their child!!!
I have the same experience when I find videos from the estranged parents perspective. None of them take accountability or own their part. It’s wild.
I haven’t really seen any of the kids giving clear descriptions of why they feel so abused. Maybe a couple of the older ones, but all the kids have this idea that they don’t have to explain themselves at all. Like the parents should just know. It seems very one sided for gen z at least.
@Mrsilic414 they DON'T have to explain. They know what their parents did, and the parents know what they did, no matter how much parents try to claim they have no idea why they are cut off.
Therein lies the problem - no accountability. Narcs will only agree with you or (even remotely) acknowledge your truth/feelings until their next strike. Their cooperation is only a mask to hook you in.
Therein lies the problem.
My father was very psychologically, emotionally, and financially abusive towards me growing up. I have so much peace for the first time in my life now that I don't see him often. It is a huge weight gone from my life. I am thankful that this is a common thing in society that is not stigmatized the way it used to be. I always assume that if you are estranged from a parent some bad shit went down. It is not an easy thing to do.
If they were my parent, they would have protected me from a SA by 2 men in our "family" but they put those 2 men ahead of their own children. My child owes me nothing. NOTHING. I would like for them to do their best, be a good human, go make an impact and do good things but I do not expect them to take care of me, at all. Social media has broken open the flood gates on parental abuse and neglect, not just the physical kind, and I am grateful for that. I am GEN X and a bit older but we are here and we HEAR y'all, and we support y'all. I think there is a natural rhythm in life to want to be off on your own from your family, finding yourself and your path in life, but it's the extreme abuse that takes it to the next level. My parents continued their toxic behavior after I moved out at 18, all the way up until they passed away 10 years ago. I won't let anyone bully me into the "well it's your Mom, Dad, whomever." Yes, they had their issues but they also kept making the SAME choices, even after calling them out and them blaming me. I ain't got time for that, I left.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are doing better nowadays.
I've had a similar experience, except it was my own mom who SA'd me.
Here's what to do if you don't want your kids to disown you:
Don't infantilize them, work them to death, disrespect them, interrupt them, not answer simple questions, insult their intelligence, be overly critical over little things, get emotional when they have a simple opinion that's slightly different than yours, be a safety freak, suck them into your tornadoes, and ignore boundaries. Also, try respecting very basic wishes.
If you do those things, they won't cut you off and avoid you like crazy. I'm 31 and my mom tends to treat me like I'm still 10 yrs old at times. I've had to take care of her since I was 17 and she refuses to get extra help/physical therapy for fear of Covid and getting robbed blind. She's running me into the ground and everyone my age is way ahead of me in life. Some I've talked to think my mom is taking advantage of me. She and my dad never taught me to stand up for myself and I almost wonder if it was intentional (aka to keep me from rebelling). I really think my mom is guilty of being emotionally manipulative and, albeit unintentionally, being a gaslighter. When the caregiving eventually ends, I want out of the nest and want to be in my personal space so I can finally grow and flourish.
Every case is different. Sometimes, it's on the kids. Other times, the parents are responsible.
Gaslighting, i.e. convincing someone that they are delusional in order to shut them up or discredit them, is never unintentional.
@@yourworstfan But you can actually gaslight people without realizing it. That's actually a thing.
GET OUT NOW. You've done your time. I promise there is a check-mark as well as a gold star next to your name in the Akashic Records. Awesome. Done. Call it a day, leave your job, and please come home so you can relax. Just being alone is so healing - you will be astonished how your physical health improves, not to mention emotional and mental.
@@thousandpetalsproject1494 I really, really want to get out, but it's far easier said than done. Along with the other things I mentioned, my mom is also a bit on the overprotective side despite the fact I turned 32 a few weeks ago.
I'm currently without a phone. A new one is on the way, but it won't be in my hands until Monday. I have a class fish fry tomorrow and she doesn't want me to go because I'm phoneless, even after I told her I would be there for literally a few minutes. I had to run an errand earlier tonight and she had a panic attack.
It’s never on the kids. Never. Don’t make the choice to let this selfish woman take your life from you. You know she can get help from others. At the very worst the state will pay for help for her. Don’t throw your life away.
Emotional abuse is toxic!
Living with an emotionally abusive aunt for 12 years drove me to the worst mental state of my life. I felt myself losing my grip on my sanity, a horrible sensation. Plus non-stop self ending thoughts from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep. Constant fear, nearly daily panic attacks.
To then have the person triggering me tell me "You have mental problems. You have to fix yourself, because I can't deal with your fckin depression anymore."
Hey auntie! You're the reason! I'm moving out and cutting contact!
4 years later, I am so much better
It’s possible (likely even) for a parent to do the absolute best they could and STILL make mistakes that hurt their kid deeply.
The difference is, some parents take accountability for it and hold space their for kids emotions. Other parents minimize the child’s experience and attempt to make the child feel as though they are being ungrateful for daring to speak up.
Speaking as an adult child, the biggest factor in estrangement in my case is a lack of accountability. BOTH of my parents were abusive throughout my childhood and teen years. I believed I'd have to cut them both off and be completely on my own when I left for college. However, my mom came to me before I left and apologized for her actions. She acknowledged that she had hurt me and said she wanted to make things right. She went to therapy with me, listened to what I had to say, and provided support for me. My dad, on the other hand, calls me crazy. He says our family was perfect (until the divorce, which he claims was entirely my mom's fault), that nothing bad ever happened, and that I'm completely fine and just making things up. Guess which parent I now have a healthy relationship with and which one is cut off?
Honestly, the fact that your mother was not only willing to admit she was wrong and that she hurt you, but also commit to changing her ways and actively doing everything she could do mend your relationship speaks volumes to her character. She is a human being who made a mistake, and she took accountability for her own actions and made the effort to better herself. Good on her.
"whether abuse was to you or to the other parent or to a sibling, or enabled someone else to hurt you or other clearly bad behavior". Being a parent doesn't automatically give you kindness, care or good morals, the qualities you should have. that is correct
Here is where I messed up as a parent: I got so involved in what I was going thru (divorce) I feel like my kids and what they were experiencing got put on the back burner. I made it all about me with the logic: "It's better for them if they see their mom working on her stuff so she can help them with theirs." IDK, parenting is hard but I chose them and fiercely love them, but I suffer from guilt over what I did.
I think for your kids it is the most important, that you actually see them and their side of the story. Its crazymaking, when a parent just deflects and minimizes the effect that their choices have. But you see it and own up to it. That is the first and most important step to rebuild the relationship, if its still possible. Ask them how it was for them, when you were divorcing, listen and try to empathize. And if they let you parent that vulnerable child that is still inside them, that needed you at that time, than do it. With acknowledging the pain and feelings of isolation, not being good enough, etc. that you unwittingly caused, parents can reach into the past and heal the wounds of their children. You have that power, use it, and your children will forever be grateful to you. But what is more, you can build a real bond between you.
I was always the one who called up my Dad to try to work out our relationship. After not speaking to him for a few years, I called him up again and he said he didn't know me anymore. I hung up the phone. Now 15 years later, I hear that he's been in the hospital a few times for his heart and I suspect he doesn't have long to live. I am estranged from most of the rest of the family. I don't want to go to his funeral when it happens. Several of the men in my family think that I need to go and make up with my father but they miss the point that I spent my whole life trying to do that and it was him that rejected me.
Excellent video. You hit all of the points. No person voluntarily orphans themselves unless there has been years, even decades of begging parents to change. It's not what they did wrong. It's the zero remorse, empathy or guilt. And many adult children have been parentified their whole lives and are just so tired. I heard years ago someone say the older they got, the worse they realized their parents were. And I agree. Like you think how could you have treated a child this way?
And most of these parents didn't do the best they could. They did the most they were willing to give. If it truly was about them not knowing better, they would be sorry for how they treated their kids. Zero remorse means they knew better. They just didn't care. Also narc parents know how to hide their true self from others. So that proves they do know better.
I learned that my father is a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist (and my mother is co-dependent) a few years ago and went no contact. I've always known there was a big problem with our relationship but without learning the details of covert narcissism it was hard to identify so I kept communicating with them and felt awful. Now I've gone 100% no contact, I've never been happier.
Or how about just saying that you are SORRY that you sucked! That as the parent you dropped the ball? That you feel bad about any damn thing? If you child is no contact then there is a reason!
Yeah! And excluding the worst things, even if you did bad to them but acknowledge you did, respect their feelings and sincerely apologise, they will forgive you. If you aren't even capable of that, you deserve to get old and leave alone.
Just like other behaviors that used to be ok until we realized they’re bad, treatment like psychological abuse is no longer ok. That’s why people are waking away. Ya the politics don’t help but also brought out the ill lie if i want to emboldenness that my own narcissistic mother got from the politics.
In 2017 when I turned 18 it took me 3 days to pack wll my things and move out. I spoke to my mom for a few months after my step dad died to take care of her, but otherwise i do not speak to my family. It's been crazy hearing people complain for years and having already walked away i cant understand why people force themselves to stay
Where's the crappy childhood part?
@achaudhari101 well you arent owed their story.
@@silversmoke6 That usually is a reason for cutting contact.
@@achaudhari101 No people cut contact over minor inconveniences or disagreements these days it’s pretty sad.
like who? can i get an example? Bc everyone I know whose gone no contact with someone was struggling with it for months or years and tolerated so many abuses to the point that their friends were begging them to no contact the abusers.@@kutie216
I'm glad people are talking about this. People used to look at me like I was crazy when I said that I don't speak to my mother. Whether you share blood or not, if someone is a bad person, they're a bad person. I'm not going to be around someone that is horrible and evil.
Your parents did not give you the gift of life, you are simply a gift they gave themselves.
Funny how its called a gift, when they do their bets to make living hell for you, great gift, thanks, where csn I return it?
In my experience, I have observed that great parents are always wanted and needed by their children.
I've also observed that great parents respect their kids and love without respect isn't love.
Worth mentioning that there is a cohort here not represented: I think my husband and I were great parents. Our children were loved, nurtured, thoughtfully disciplined and well educated. We respected their individuality and encouraged their dreams and talents. They had stability, community, faith family at church. We loved and supported each of them for their uniqueness. We helped them physically, emotionally and financially when they needed a little help (with healthy limits.) We were a close happy family. Then my husband died. The kids were all full adults (27-35) at the time. About a year after his death I started dating a man. The kids went absolutely ballistic. One kid came around to understand that I was lonely and wanted to keep on living. The other three have estranged themselves from me after deciding we were toxic self centered lousy parents. They took my beloved grandchildren away. I wish I had died too.
Thought I might vomit if I listened to the whole video. She looks and sounds nauseatingly smug and self- centered.
I did it way before it was a “trend” 😂 and to say it’s a trend demeans how painful of a process it is - and how it doesn’t come easy or without thought. For some people I’m sure it’s a very, very easy decision but it doesn’t make it any less difficult. Kids wants their parents, it’s unfortunately hardwired into us, and many of us tried for years before we decided to cut the chord
Most folks today are beyond fed up with the antiquated “Authoritarian” parenting style, which very closely resembles narcissistic personality disorder.
It may have served its purpose when your child was an infant… or maybe if you own a dog. But it’s no longer acceptable to treat a grown ass adult like that, period!
The delusions of superiority and infallibility, the whole “I can’t be wrong!” thing, along with the controlling/manipulative behavior are simply no longer going to be tolerated by most people.
Thanks for this video, it has been very helpful. I am trying to see things from my grown son's point of view. I agree with most of it. Lots for me to think about.
thank you for being open to understand your son's feelings. I wish my parents were open to the same. i want nothing more than to be close with my parents, but theyre too afraid to look at how they may have hurt me and choose, instead, to walk away from their daughter because it's easier.
This might be strange but I look at having a family as an investment. I work with elderly people and sadly, some of my clients have children who've gone no contact. This one client was so distressed that her only son has moved out of state and won't talk to her. As time went on, she had let slip that she was bad on drugs for years and that her mother actually raised her son. I still feel bad for her but you reap what you sow. I've never met a kid who was raised in a happy, healthy household to completely cut off a parent. It's truly sad 😢
Pretty much this. It is an investment and whatever it works out or not dependa on the work you put into it and such. The relationship yiu have with your adult kids is the reward or well grade you get for your preformance when they where young.
Most i am such a sad lonely elderly stories started and ended with them having been abusive in sone way or another.... The sad sweet old men confesses on his deathbed he SAed his son and askes the compassionate nurse if they think the child ever forgave him.... Whay woule they and if they did, they would be there!!!
I aleays had to be the adult in my relationship with my mother as an emotionally disabled autistic kid, we are low contact because every exchange is a sysiphus task, but I still visit at leat 6 times a year and put myself through the stress cause she tries to do better!!!
As long as you listen to your kid and respect their bounderues, as long as you genuinly try, so will they!!!
My mom sent me a list of reasons to forgive your parent(s). I was like well first, forgiveness comes with an apology and she can’t even do that. Second, 2 things can be true at once. That’s how our whole dynamic my whole life has been due to her gaslighting, 2 things can be true at once. Yes you were traumatized and neglected yourself and that limited your ability to be a good parent, that doesn’t mean I sit there like a doll and just take it cause it’s all you know. I’m doing what you should have, but didn’t. It’s very unfair and maddening for her to watch I bet, but I am within every right to take care of myself. 🤷♀️ I also just love when she whines “I can’t be perfect, perfect doesn’t exist.” I never ever asked you to be perfect. I never even asked you do better, I never said a thing, I just wished every week wasn’t full of yelling will holes in the wall, broken windows, and much more. I know you can’t be perfect, I’m just asking you to not be abusive 🤓🤓🤓
Born in 77 so I'm that little micro-cohort. My childhood was a melange of trauma, neglect, and xtian oppression. The trauma and the neglect were because of my parents' toxic religious views (they always attended highly authoritarian churches, and they were adherants of james dobson). I went NC with my mom about 8 years ago because she kept going further and further down the right wing rabbit hole and I couldn't have a conversation with her anymore. She never acknowledged or apologized for the childhood trauma. She was just as culpable as my dad. However, my dad and I have been slowly repairing our relationship. The week before the lockdowns I got to visit him and we had a 4 hour long conversation. He apologized for his actions then, and I believe him. Why? He's changed his actions. He's not the same rage filled asshole he was in 1980. I want to extend him the same grace I give myself about myself. He also told me, "I am so deeply sorry I put the church before my family". That acknowledgement helps a lot too.
He grew up in abject poverty in rural Illinois and Iowa with his 7 siblings and two parents. He went into adult with a lot of issues. But he and I both agree, we're stopping that generational trauma now. I never had kids, and he and his new wife (new as of 2001) have a son together who seems like he's turning out pretty well. I know he's also working to patch things with my other siblings.
I 100% support people who are NC with any family 💚
I'm so glad for you and your father! 🫂 How did he reach out to you?
wow. that second to last reel summed it up for me. "If I don't matter to anybody else, I have to matter to me". that's the core of it. No one else was looking out for my wellbeing and mental health, so I had to step up and protect myself.
“I’m not a perfect parent. I’m only human”
And just like a human, you should be able to own up to your mistakes.
Entitled parents seem to think saying “I’m human” absolves them of everything. Everyone’s human. But you still have to take responsibility for what you did wrong
I’m going go no contact to protect my sanity.
I tried that. Didn’t work. Because they still live rent free in my head and they come out and haunt me every day.
@@Woodman-Spare-that-tree I used to argue with my mom in my own head even though I cut her out of my life, so I know what you're saying. It gets better with time though. Took me years!
@@PunishedKennygoing through this RN... I went NC recently... I hope this mindset ends soon for me... it's destroying my relationships with my roommates... tbh... whenever I tried to explain my past, they seem dismissive about it, despite their own traumas too....
@@Woodman-Spare-that-treeI was like that at first too. And now that my husband has been in contact with my MIL for a bit since his brother recently passed away, the rest of our household is still NC with her. But the lack of peace & bad dreams & anxiety are all coming back. So I know what you mean. But if you are able to go NC and NOT look back at all without major changes from them, you can be peaceful after some time. It took me a little over 6 months, I believe it was, to stop allowing them in my head constantly. Wishing you luck ❤
I have a wonderful relationship with my family, to the point that anyone who wants to date me has to go through them.
Even I understand that not everyone grew up with that so people don't even really have ignorance for an excuse to push this 'BuT ThEiR YoUr PaReeEEEeeeNNnnnTTttsss' c**p.
I have finally put the pieces to gather and realized that my family has never loved me. Not only that, my mother has been abused me mentally and physically in so many ways since my birth, and she has ruined anything good in my life, and is still actively seeking to do it. And every single time, she says: I care about you and want what's best for you. The realization has become devastating, my heart is filled with sorrowfulness and anger. I actually figured it out 10 years ago, but I tried to hold on the slimmest possibility that my mom loved me, that she just didn't know how. Now I have finally accepted the fact that no, she does not, she didn't,and she actually hated me, held contempt towards me, and took away my chance of happiness because she was jealous of me. I was the scapegoat of her unsuccessful career, unsuccessful marriage, I was there for her to show the world what a devoted mother she was despite I was such a difficult kid to rise and she still needs to constantly worry about me, and sacrifice for me.
Possessiveness of a controlling parent is not love, no matter how they clame to care, if they cant listen to you, they really do not
Thanks for making a video about an important topic. I went no contact because of abuse but I have heard about people going no contact because of values differences that they couldn't overcome. I think it's great that children have agency in their relationship with their parents - as you should in all relationships!!
I don't have children but I do have parents! They both have passed away. I certainly understand all that Adrianne is saying. Sometimes we don't like our parents at all. Sometimes we don't like the people we become around them. Going to therapy really helped me to identify all the ways my parents screwed up. I don't want to go into detail but it was serious. However, I have to say not cutting them off was more than worth it. And when one's parents are old and perhaps suffering from illness--it's a hard time but that suffering, those pressures turn into something really wonderful. It's not because suffering is good but really just because of grace. Suffering is bad but the grace and light that comes into those dark places....is everything and more than everything. With friends, you have mutual interests and maybe with parents you are in less and less agreement but one way or another going through the journey with them (with the support of friends, other family members and therapists!) somehow ends up really well. I went through some very, very, very tough times but I look back and I am so grateful. For everything--the bad times and the good.
Also, don't think I went to therapy and my therapists just showed me "how my parents screwed up." They were good therapists and wanted the truth and provided a place for the truth to come out! I also learned about the ways I was recreating my parents' bad behavior. I learned how not to mimic certain things I saw growing up. And I hope that I learned how to understand people a little better, including my parents and have a heart for them and where they were coming from.
The third comment at 0:33 is why me and my dad have a relationship and me and my mom dont. My dad has taken any accountability and desire to be a different parent in the ways he can, and my mom is still… finding herself………….
my mom wasn’t the greatest when i was little. hell, she wasn’t great until i had turned 16 or so, and by that point i was excited to move across the country for college and never speak to her again. now? i’m in college and am going on a trip with her and my dad this weekend and i can’t wait. it took introspection from myself and my mom to get to this point, and our relationship has never been better. i’m lucky, and i would never blame someone who doesn’t talk to their parents anymore (unless it’s for genuinely the most obtuse reasoning). i was almost in their place, i have friends who are in their place. there’s a reason, there’s always a reason. even “political disagreement” is valid, especially in this day and age where people’s rights and livelihoods are on the line.
I think in many cases the reason why alone time is chosen over the company of others is that most of the connections nowadays are unhealthy /superficial/based on projection and/or transactional, so those are not safe, and the need for security is a more basic need, than the need for community. Media calls it individualism, but don't look into the fact, that we are are living in a deeply unhealthy society, and our ways of connecting is coming mostly out of survival mode, and not from true intimacy.
I know this was posted 4 months ago but I’m gunna share. I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in almost 20 years. She was very abusive, I tried talking to her recently over the years and it wasn’t good. Blaming everyone else and acting like the victim, even though I was 11 years old when put into foster care. Now the only relationship I have is with my aunt, who is also crazy but not the same as mother who’s extreme. But because we are relatives, I tolerate her and I definitely keep in mind we are from different time periods. Sometimes I just let her be right and just not argue back.
"If someone does a favour for you, do you have to do a favour for them?" No. Because all one has to do is change it from "a favour for" to "something awful to" and now suddenly it seems petty and vengeful. Why is a good deed to be rewarded and an awful deed ignored? Who is making these rules and to what end? Besides, growing up, being a good child was expected. Should I get compensated for choosing to not be a terror?
Bullseye! 🎯🎯🎯 Spot tf on, the level of pressure to reconcile from others towards the kids vs. their parents. It was a large part of the reason why I barely speak on my personal situation. I know my parents both suffered from physical & emotional abuse and did what was done to them. The saying "hurt people hurt people' really should be 'hurt people create more hurt people'. I actually am still afraid to raise my own kids for fear of doing them irreparable harm. Thank goodness for Therapy and researching psychology & mental disorders (i.e Narcissist). Mental health should be prioritized & normalized in our society and I would highly recommend that for anyone. Peace & love y'all!
it's the right thing because when our parents age they need more support to get by but if they're abusive you sometimes have to go no contact a very low contact to protect your mental health
"But she's your mooooom, how can you not want to talk to your moooom?" -> I'll give you her number, YOU talk to her -> ok why do you expect ME to talk to her if YOU don't want to talk to her either? That's like a literal conversation I had with a coworker.
A fact that is often missed is that "All types of people become parents." People often assume that you must be a good person because you are a parent. 😂
OMG - this video essay is soooo good! 👏👏👏 Just finishing, but plan to rewatch.
At some point, I realized I’d wasted my entire life (I was in my 30s) trying to be “enough” for my mother to like me, to be proud of me. But she can’t and she never will. I only exist in her world FOR her benefit. It’s always been my job to manage her moods and emotions, make her happy, act perfect in public so she can look good, but behind closed doors…hooo boy. Things are different. I’ll never be enough, be good enough, give her enough, whatever. So I quit trying and walked away. Her vitriol was then turned on my sister, who was shocked at the intensity. Sorry, sister. This is who she is. Living with her was like living under a surveillance state, and she no joke had spies in another state reporting on my sister’s comings and goings. I have no doubt she did the same to me. I don’t miss her. I have never missed her. She was SO SURE I would cry and want to come home early from summer camp when I was little. Nope. I cried when she picked me up. For the first time in my life, I’d had an entire week without someone screaming in my face. It was glorious. I never wanted to leave camp. She had a stroke in Nov 2023, and I showed up like I was supposed to and did my duty, along with my sister. Went again over thanksgiving and Christmas. She was so nasty at Christmas that even my Pollyanna husband is done with her. I hope she recovers well. I’m out.
My parents told me all my extended family hates me as a child and wants my downfall. This was to ensure I never tried to have a relationship with them. My parents were abusive to each other and would yell and scream, and threaten divorce every week. My dad would laugh in my face about the divorce while I cried. They scripted me going to see extended family to control the narrative. Interviewed us when we came home.
My mom never accepted I’m different than her. Buys herself gifts and says they’re for me. Treats me like I’m 6 but I’m 35. Denied anything she did. Won’t be sad when she’s gone. By age 18 she already expected me to take care of her as if she was in her 80s or disabled. She’s a taker for sure. She expects nothing but exceptional assistance then shoved in my face that clothed and fed me. Like gee! Thanks! Like the favor thing. I did the bare minimum, now give me your all!
I love seeing all those horrible parent-child-relationships bc it puts my own problems with my parents into perspective. Makes me realize that i love them with all their faults and they could've just been. So. Much. Worse.
I'm a stereotypical GenX. My mother never cared about me, always told me what a burden I was on her, and was extremely jealous of the relationship I had with my grandmother, her mother. It took me until my mid to late 30s to go no contact with her. My GenZ kids were tweens and basically had an intervention with me about how upset I was when we would see her and how they didn't like her, and she just ignored them so why do we need to be around her. I told them they were right and cut off contact. Best thing I've ever done. My kids are adults now and I don't harass them by calling every day, but we keep in touch and are very close. I've also told them it's OK to let me know if I'm doing something to make them upset or uncomfortable. I am not meaning to do it, but just tell me so we can talk about it or I can stop. I have always encouraged them to find their own path and try to make sure they know that not only do I love them, but I respect them and am very proud of them. I know I'm not a perfect parent. I didn't have anything to go by as my parents were pretty much absent, but i do know i never want my kids to have the relationship I had with my mother.
My dad was a very abusive narcissist, but he was still my dad. We all just worked around him at family events. He taught me a lot, good and bad. I never would cut contact with him, that’s not something I could do, but I was able to express my feelings and set boundaries with the help of a counselor. I don’t regret my decision but respect those who can’t deal with these type of people.
My mom dad abused me when i was getting abused
We are a peer centric society, I think that’s part of it
Honestly there's an argument that being a peer centric society is part of a lot of our problems, so you might be onto something.
@@sarahloveless1726 I feel that a peer centric culture is far superior. It beats the, "I'm older. I'm superior so I'm going to bully and treat you like crap and not be accountable for treating you as a lesser and you'll like it and then maybe if you get old enough and I die then you can be 'in charge' and treat those younger then you with the same contempt I did." People are tired of that and rejecting it.
@@ellyk8834 Yea, wisdom doesn't come simply with age. This is a myth.
@@ellyk8834
What kind of thinking is that? Wisdom DOES come with age because it’s experienced. You TRUST that your parents have your best interests at heart and for the most part they DO. A lot of children are completely narcissistic and social media seems to be breeding that. It’s why it’s hard to take some of these comments seriously. Are their parents REALLY abusive? Sometimes I HAVE to wonder especially when people say peers are better influencers? Are you kidding me?
@@TheKnoxvicious And at what age does that come? My parents were acting like know-it-alls and infallible when they were in their 30's. I'm in my late 40's now. I've lived and experienced A LOT too. But it's funny, because regardless of how old we get, we child abuse survivors never manage to know what healthy behavior looks like, have an accurate assessment of our home life or how we were treated. EP's and the arrogance and superiority complex always come along (like you) and try deny our reality while knowing full well how you mistreated your children. It's in your language and y'all give yourselves away.
Anyhoo, I love the gaslighting! "You TRUST that your parents have your best interests at heart and for the most part they DO." -- I did trust that (part of the abuse) and that's why when you learn about toxic family systems and Narcissistic abuse you realize what a profound lie that is. Saying the words and matching the behavior to that is where Narc's fail.
"A lot of children are completely narcissistic and social media seems to be breeding that." -- And that behavior is learned by the children from their parent(s) at home. Even without social media my sister was well into developing her traits by double digit age. Narc's raise Narc's - there's another thing you Narc parents LOVE to avoid taking responsibility for while you deny that's how you are even behaving while demonstrating your Narcissism throughout this comment.
But all the signs and behaviors you're demonstrating isn't the problem, right? It's all that horrible child of yours, right? Yeah that's the final sign of a Narc parent - nothing positive/good to say about their child and no connect to the fact that their adult child who is now not a hostage can walk the f^ck away from your crappy attitude and abuse. Loving parents speak well of their children - Narc's never do.
That's how I spot the 'cut off for very good reason' parents... oh and that's why I can't take their comments seriously.
My mother and father are both from an older religious generation, and their minds are just full of hate and bigotry. I was raised to be kind and gentle, I don’t know why they became so hateful and suspicious of everyone… but it’s so hard to talk to them anymore.
this is awesome queen ty for this
My mother is a narcisist (not in a medical diagnose way) and my parent is an verbally violent alcoholic, i had no other chance but to cut them off, i tried my best to have a good enough relationship after i moved out, but after the way they reacted to my acident i realized that they dont and will never love me, love is something that should be freely given and unconditional, in my household love is something you should work for.
Having children is inviting the universe to permanently (or semi-permanently, as in the case of no contact) attach random strangers to your life. Babies are cute, but chosen family is infinitely better than rolling the dice.
My children do not owe me anything I brought them here. They are my responsibility and the way I raise them will have an impact on them.
Also, people *have* been cutting ties for a very long time. They're just more willing to talk about it now.
It used to be shameful.
Some people dont have any friends or family. I grew up socially awkward because of childhood trauma.
Narcissistic parents treat children as their property, what can you do but leave completely or be molded into a toxic system where you are a perpetual slave forever. They seldom if ever change.
I think the “Child owes the parent” thing is literally just a leftover from ancient people where the elderly were both rare and generally needed the tribe to look after them while they were the source of knowledge and primary educators. Modern society now has better social safety nets to care for the elderly while also raising smarter and smarter children. It’s all about survival, and that’s becoming less of an issue in the 21st century.
Cut them out in 2016 when they joined Trumps cult. But then we never had a close relationship to begin with.
I’d been considered it for years, as I got older I realised that they had been abusive parents and were just awful people in general.
According to my sister, who still sees them occasionally now all they want to talk about is how much they hate trans people. Literally every conversation. It’s what their lives revolves around. Kinda sad and pathetic.
Willing to bet that the "I'm always right, you're always wrong." that got used in parenting had some consequences.
People who abuse have huge blind spots and can’t see the abuse and don’t see themselves as abusers until they do lots of healing and growth and study on what’s healthy and what’s abuse. Few recover until they have tons of pain in their lives and motivation to get better. Ask me how I know….
Very well said, even if I personally don't agree with 100% of what was said. The whole video was well put together, especially for someone who hasn't been through the no-contact experience.
Unfortunately, for me it was like ticking all the check boxes and triggering memories while I watched the video.
It's been years I went no contact, it's been years of therapy treatment without skipping a session, and I still have the nightmares, I'm still realizing I'm permanently damaged. I'm in my 30's, I'm a grown man, soon enough I'll be an old man, still dealing with childhood trauma.
Wow. I have told many parents to make things right with their adult child.
It's not that difficult!
Simply acknowledge what the adult "child" is trying to say, own your behavior/change it, and apologize.
Takes all of several minutes.
@@BAsed_AFro the actions are easy but it requires humility, which some people lack.
@@judyheller No doubt, Sister.
i didn't want to cut my parents/family off either, even after they bound together to disown me because they didn't like that i was going to therapy and supported my brother's decision to cut me off from my niece for literally no other reason besides, "this will really hurt her."
even after my aunt died, i still came back to my mom because i knew that was her only friend. and she STILL had vitriol for me and had the nerve to call me selfish even after i sent her an edible arrangement to offer my condolences. even after she had the nerve to ask me what makes ME so special that i would have the nerve to stand up for myself against their bullying tactics.
but after i finally realized that nobody in my family, ON BOTH SIDES, not even my own mother, really cared about me enough to warrant staying close, i had to cut my mom off. that was the hardest thing i've ever done because i always reserved space for her as the parent who was at least trying but she really wasn't. she would pretend to be on my side and then promptly go talk shit about me to her sister/husband/son. i was always an orphan and that moment really hurt.
I have a lot of thoughts on why forgiveness is important as someone who follows Jesus, but apart from my own religious convictions on it, there are studies that show that it is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, reduced substance abuse, higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction.
All that said - I've definitely seen people twist and manipulate what forgiveness means for their own toxic gain. It does NOT mean that you allow yourself exposure to a person or situation who has harmed you in the past. It's NOT a commitment to rebuild a relationship (reconciliation). It's NOT saying that the harm caused was no big deal.
Forgiveness is simply a decision to try and replace negative feelings toward someone with positive ones, whether or not they deserve it. It's a process, and the hope is that eventually your emotions follow your decision as you choose to desire the best for someone who hurt you. But again, you can absolutely be no contact and choose to start the process of forgiveness, even as you maintain boundaries that keep you safe.
Beautifully said, thank you
Sadly, that does not help when you've ALREADY spent most of your life in depression when being with your abusers...
Treat your children as if they do have a choice. Even if you make them do things against their will, ideally they should be able to look back at that as adults and say "You know dad, you were right".
In some rare circumstances i think cutting people out of your life is justified. But as someone who has a family member who is not contact, if you cut people out of your life who you deem to not meet your standards of perfection your going to live a very lonely existence.
Anyone who brings perfection into the conversation is suspect... That's a super common estranged parent line - "My child expected me to be perfect!" and the answer is there is a huge area between being a 'perfect parent' and an abusive one. No one is cutting off people because of their lack of perfection.
Bringing standards of perfection into a conversation about family estrangement due to abuse is definitely something…
That is rarely the case though. Most estrangememts do not come from an abused persons need for perfection. It is however, often used as an excuse by the abuser against the abused.
you sounds like someone who has never been forced into a corner and had to make the decision to go no contact. in my experience, i tolerated abuses for decades before pulling the plug. I mourned my parents deeply and still do, although they are still alive. they just refuse to engage in good faith.
@arielevaccaro6102 No I haven't, I think that's clear. But I am some who suffers the collective punishment of a family member who is none contact. I'm not the parent or the child in the situation.
I think the biggest issue is when parents don't want to make an effort to grow wit their kids in a way of being accountable of how they didn't do what they needed to do. In some ways my parents have made a change but only in a few areas. We do value different things and it results in more conflict. It is possible to make improvements but if the child doesn't see that the parents wants to improve the relationship where they change, estrangement or limiting interaction is a strategically good for your health. I love my parents but i don't see things in black & white anymore. I lost my naive mind and now can identify that my parents are not as nurturing as they pretend to be. Plus my CPTSD flashbacks confirm that they didn't know what my needs were. If you want to become a parent you have to understand that you need to make your kids safe from both bad influences from outside influences but also yourself. No one is perfect but the obligation of serving your parents adds pressure to the kids. I think parents should prepare for their old age. I agree with many things in this video
Because they can't reach their full potential with someone that's clingy and abusive or absent and hedonistic