How to handle CONFLICT in your MARRIAGE so it DOESN'T lead to Disconnection and Distance or DIVORCE!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ย. 2024
- #listening #conflict #marriage
How we handle conflict in our marriages often times makes or breaks everything else. How we handle conflict, whether with empathy and understanding and validation opposed to dismissiveness or defensiveness or blame or stonewalling, it all directly affects the closeness and friendship and passion and connection that we all say we want in a marriage. So let's learn how to handle conflict in the right way!
Particularly when I'm sorry follows up with , "I said I was sorry, why aren't you dropping it?" When apology is just another form of manipulation.
This is true!
Yes!!!!
Absolutely!
Yes!!! Your videos are so accurate!! Moved on after 6 years of asking for time, waiting for promises to be fulfilled, eye rolls and "here we go again" when you try to bring up hurt. If we did talk he would deflect and shift blame to me. Don't know why I let myself feel so alone and unimportent for that long.
😢 I’m so sorry
Amen sista! I'm glad you were able to get out!
I'm in that tipsy boat right now. Just yesterday in fact, I even told him he was blaming me and also changing topics to deflect from him taking any responsibility but then he tosses out the "right dear...you're right dear....I'm wrong dear....whatever you want dear..." in a sarcastic tone that makes me not only want to throat punch him (I never would!) but on top of not taking any responsibility for his part and NOT apologizing, NOW he's being fake and condescending to me.
So, I ask myself:
How long will I allow him to treat me this way???
How long before I can remain calm enough to articulate TO him that which I articulated above (minus the throat punch part! 😉)???
At what point do I put a fork in it and call it done and move on?
What would I tell my best friend and am I willing to be my own best friend?
@@pammypampam6920
Why? Why do we even allow this for 1 second!
Our brains were trained from a very young age so many unhealthy "norms" we just have to deal with since we're women.
We are humans too. I'm not a flat 1 dimension paper doll with a baby on my hip.
I opened a can of worms by starting the tiniest bit of therapy. Yikes.
I've set my world on fire and I've only just begun.
@@pammypampam6920have you shown him Jimmy's content? I'm learning right now! I'm just hoping that I can stop the divorce proceedings... she told me she wanted to leave me today... I only started watching Jimmy's stuff last week.
@@pammypampam6920 Did you decide to be your best friend at last? The ripple effect is positive from your defending your dignity and peace of mind and your good standards for decent relationships. You cannot change him, but you have every right to change your own circumstances -what you are part of and what you will not be. It is difficult to change from a less powerful positions, but refusing to be badly treated (your standads) and simply leaving is one of the few options. You are/were not obliged to stay in a tipsy boat - such a dangerous situation for your mental health. How did you resolve your problem? All the best wishes for 2024, hope it will show a light in tunnel and give you more hope, day by day!
Omg this should be on tv like in between movies as an commercial 😂 anyone needs to know this
Yes!!!!
The best my husband could do would be to say " I'm sorry you're depressed but your feelings aren't my responsibility. So stop treating me like crap just because you're sad". And being treated like crap is me telling him I'm unhappy. Basically I'm not allowed to ever be unhappy. He literally doesn't have to clean, cook, or do any laundry because if I ask for help I'm nagging. If there is an argument I have to apologize or he won't talk to me at all.
This is emotional abuse :( I’m so sorry
for me the one different between when he's upset and when he's not is NOTHING. He treats me the same way... To the point now where when he's out of the house that's when I'm able to breathe freely... ALSO... he knows all these... I've told him and he just ignores it
@@estherolawuyi4204 I know how you feel. I have to be alert whenever he is home to attend to his ever want . I can't relax when he is home and I can never let my stress show. He is getting better but it's taking so long.
@Jennifer Walls I'm glad that it's getting better for you dear. I know it won't get better for me the day he admitted that he is a narcissist... So I accepted him for who he is and I'm leaving me to heal me so I can become who I'm supposed to be
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans may be helpful in educating you on the 15 forms of verbal abuse. He can only get away with abuse if you don’t enforce healthy boundaries. If he still doesn’t show up emotionally, you may be faced with a choice to learn to be healthy or continue your live the unhealthy life you are currently living. I wish for your health for you. You have to have some self respect to hold others accountable to respecting you or leaving them. Please choose to care for yourself above people pleasing him.
I’ve been avoiding conflict at all costs for so long, and in the end the cost was my marriage. Last night after 6 years, we finally went over finances and one of the many things I’ve been avoiding, turns out wasn’t so bad. Even though we’re getting divorced, I feel closer and at peace somehow.
Made me laugh then cry... He demeans and mocks in very passive aggressive " you're getting upset about this little mistake I made" .... when the problem is that it's the 99th one this week... drowning here in the added up little raindrops that are flood stage
Your channel should be called "Relationships for Dummies, the manual or how to guide to the marriage of your dreams"
Toxic apologies: "I'm sorry you were hurt." "I'm sorry, but xxxx." "Ok! I'm sorry! Get over it!" REAL apologies include accountability, a plan to do something differently in the future, and truly trying NOT to repeat the offense. An apology followed by the same thing happening again is absolutely impotent. (I'm a couples' therapist with 20+ years experience.)
Love your message! We're trudging thru hard times.... Thank you for saying it in a way that help men hear the message and in a way women can connect with their husbands.
Thank you for this! Wish I could help more, I know that feeling well. Proud of you guys
Watching this on loop, about to take precious notes .... Bless you Jimmy for all these free treasures..... Your contents are a providence that must be spread .......❤ Being a committed husband is a noble chivalry that needs to get its importance back.
Married for 17 years. I am guilty of telling my husband that he is too sensitive and that I cannot handle his extreme emotions about anything I try to communicate. Everything feels viscerally painful to him, which seems a lot, and it is my fault for his extreme emotions and intense pain. I have been trying to bridge the gap between us, but I feel like emotional whiplash. As soon as I am comfortable and we are making" headway," he blows up and coerces me for sex. He gets scaringly angry if I say no and makes me pay with curtness and indifference.The problem is this pattern has made me incredibly adverse to sex with my husband. I don't know my sexuality anymore and have to get sauced to meet his needs; he feels satisfied, and I feel shame. All the advice for preparing seems out of reach if I cannot meet my husband's intense need for sex when I do not think I can anymore if I want to be a healthy person. Bearing much but desperate, being in doubt for 15 years...! A disappointing marriage with sprinkles of dysfunction.
He could be bipolar
Omg this. 💯 It hurts even hearing the nail get hit on the head.
Always 110% spot on.
Are you certain that you are not a counselor or have some sort of training?
I don't know what you do for a living, but you would be an amazing counselor.
@Jimmy - this very well might be the "right" format for everything you share. You have a powerful, CLEAR way of sharing these hard-learned lessons. Have you considered writing a book?
Man, some of these comments from women are so so saddening. 😢 I found these videos because my man is doing all of those things that Jimmy says men do. I have to say just how shocked I am as to how accurate Jimmy is with the way our men make us feel! And I've been trying to calmly communicate to my man how devalued, unloved and unimportant his across have made me feel.
Up until a few days ago, we hadn't spoken to each for 2 weeks (we don't live together yet) because he had hurt me, I expressed it but he immediately selected and came back with some stupid argument that had nothing to do with the problem. He does that to always make things about him instead of addressing the problem. I did not even bother responding to his ridiculous comments because I'd learnt from too many times previously, that it's absolute waste of time trying to communicate to him.
When we finally did speak, he said that he will never be the kind of guy that would be devastated if I died rookeries. So I said, ok fine, bye and hung up.
That's when he changed his changed his tune and for the first time in the 2yrs we've been together, told me that I am important to him and that he knows that he's selfish etc but didn't know how to change it. I said that, if what he was saying was truly honest and that he was 1000% committed to our relationship succeeding then I would like to go to relationship counselling (even though we're not married).
The next, he surprised me by sending me a link to one of Jimmy's videos. I'm addicted to them. Lol. I just hope that he also watching them too like he tells me he is. I'm scared that he won't follow through. He's 51 and I'm 53. I know that he's the one for me...... if he can just have the courage to follow through with his desire to change. I don't trust him anymore though. 😢
How is he the one for you BUT you don’t trust him? Please don’t marry this person. Once the trust is broken ….😢
Hahaha! Jimmy this one was SO HILARIOUS and so helpful and good! Well done! 😂
And it's not just whether or not they do chores. When he complains after doing the chores, the emotional connection is worse off then if he hadn't done them at all.
Just yesterday I was asking a question whether my husband was going to be meeting up with someone to go over a Bible study and he snapped at me saying that he already told me it wasn't going to meet yet we have not talked about this in a day or two and he could have talked to the person since then. Then all I ever did was ask him to stop snapping at me I'm not putting up with him snapping at me and escalated into me and locking myself in the bedroom for h and him claiming he's going to leave and he actually packed up but never left. Then at 1 a.m. he says he finally will apologize but then he does the fake apology like what you were describing which is not an actual apology. Not only that but he kept changing the topic and talkin about random chitchat stuff instead of actually apologizing for the way he treated me. He called me to c-word and all sorts of other garbage. He also uses the few things I do talk to him about and trying to share my feelings against me during these fights. 😢
Disconnection? Or control. Disconnection is control.
" I fail every time I choose to" Logic, I think Dark Places is the song.
This is good stuff. I am like oh boy in the green hat. I can say it back to you but I am still working on embodying the advice. I am trying to create an emotional safe space for me through God as I look to Christ to guide me spiritually and relationally to my fellow human being. I am practicing these tips with friends and family as well. Lastly, just sent my ex-girlfriend a 5 minute apology video. I didn't realize was she was talking about this whole time. Silly me.
This is incredibly mature and humble of you!
It takes great humility to sincerely apologize! Way to go!!! Probably healing for you BOTH! ❤🎉🎉🎉
@@pammypampam6920 Yes. It was healing for us both and allowed us to blossom...seperately. 😌
@@professormiles1890 wait truly would you say that opening up like that and apologizing and showing emotion made everything better or made her view you as weaker. People say the moment you are in love with a women that's when she views you as weak??
@@JimmyonRelationships answer my comment above please
I really wish I could sit down with you and tell you everything that I have been through with my bf of 8 years and three kids later. I just wish he could listen to you and truly listen. I’m 3 weeks postpartum and he’s been horrible when it comes to sex. Not understanding.
I’m so sorry Sasha. I can see you’re hurting so much. Would he be open to you guys talking with a professional to help heal some of those unresolved hurts?
@@JimmyonRelationships We’ve tried. He doesn’t take it seriously. I know I’ve dug myself deep into this relationship but listening to your videos has made me realize that our relationship is over and has been for a long time. Thank you again for what you do. I think I’m finally getting the courage I need to eventually move on.
I love what you have to say. My husband and I got into a spat this evening. He apologized, but did so in the way you said he shouldn’t, almost word for word, “I’m sorry, but if you had done as I asked you to we wouldn’t have had this argument!” 😂 we both laughed! At least he’s trying, well, most of the time. It is Friday and he’s put in a lot of hours.
Incredibly insightful as always..❤
Thank you for these videos. They help me understand where both I and my ex went wrong in the relationship. These also help me know how to recognize how I need to change to have a better relationship with whoever I'm with next.
Thank you for this Ramona. I really am impressed with your humility
Excellent, Jimmy!
I wish I would've seen this video about 5 years ago.
This is all really great advice and there’s a lot of useful tools. However, each relationship is going to be different, and the challenges aren’t always the same. Blindly submitting to someone who’s daily verbally abusing you and criticizing everything you do regardless of what it is, using this method would have me on my knees daily chasing her around. I’ll watch more of your videos and see if something might help me.
I've managed to screw up my marriage royally. I wish I would have had these skills a long time ago.
Me too
My brother's ex-wife, Tonya, was unfaithful to him with, Dana, the best man at their wedding the first time. Then the second time it was someone he didn't know named Ben. He cannot forgive Tonya even now after her death. He is still extremely angry.
My G your vid’s are amazing They not only inform men I learn a ton to.
Thank Uuuuuuu!
TY for sharing these powerful thoughts. So much good for me to glean here
“I’m soury” 🤣🤣🤣
3:20 ugh, when they don't even try.
9:40 you have no idea.
11:48 you wouldn't believe how much it changes things
🙌🙌
This video is amazing!!
I mean pure gold. Thank you for this..
👍
If we have already married somebody who can't apologize it's kind of too late in a way.
If we are in a relationship before marriage with somebody that can't apologize appropriately and doesn't look out for our feelings and well-being then they are not the person for us
I’m so worried I’ll never be able to do all of this right. I feel like I try to do everything here but I don’t think that it’s bettering our relationship. How do I stop thinking about myself and not be afraid of failing and losing my wife ?
If you honestly want to work on keeping your wife, you do need to grow into the best version you might become of your true inner self. It takes time and you can ask your wife for some patience as you are learning, but not endless patience. You do need to be afraid of losing her and you need to not try to just please her with small tit-bits, when it is already far down on the slippery slope. The risks are obvious, your relationship is in huge danger, don't slack in your efforts: but you can still gain from learning. You have a chance and there is some hope - take it! Be very determined! Daily study of good books and writing a journal with lists and ideas and mind-maps are effective methods. Take from screen time and make other radical and immediate shifts. You can walk briskly or run to clear your head - but don't run from chores. Up your sleeves, be healthy tired each evening. Good reads are among others: John Gray, Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars; Thomas Gordon's books; Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; and Julia Smith's Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before. Take them not as Bibles but as prompts for your own learning. I'm sure John Delony's books are helpful, too, though I myself haven't read them yet. Anyways, if you want fast results, your working diligently with books, making notes, and doing the suggested exercises, is way faster forward than councelling/talk therapy once a week. But one can do both. All the best wishes for success through hard work and heaps of repeated honest effort! You can do it.
Control Will not live in a loving relationship.
I love these videos but I feel like a lot of men won't watch more than the first 5 minutes or so.
💕
Do you think your path is the only one? I would like more I statements.
I wish I cud send this to my husband :(
🌻🌿✨❤️
Do you have a video like this but we're the rolls the sexes are reversed? :-)
I guess this doesn’t apply to same-sex marriages.
Some women are just as bad...
Absolutely! I don’t want to be seen as “against men”, I just want all of us to self reflect :)
That's not the topic here. He's helping men understand common patterns. What are you really feeling so defensive about?
So barbaric. I thought we were past this. But we don't get each other anymore than when i was small and watched my parents do this crap
Jimmy, your videos would reach a larger audience, and help men learn more from you, if you would stop addressing primarily the husbands as if you were a boss addressing a truant employee.
Talking down to husbands, without calling out the nonsense of that subset of wives who refuse to acknowledge when a behavior is destroying the marriage, is red meat for your female audience, but I don't know, might be doing more harm than good for marriages. Just some food for thought.
Brilliant! Thank you so much 💗
And I am sure control and curiosity can't live together either.
Love it
This was my marriage 😞
😢
You are making it all up!
The preview cuts off the title at "So it doesn't lead to Disco" 🕺
wonderfullllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Thank you! =)
Do you have this kind of video but the gingers are swapped? :-)
Gingers lol
Such great advice! ❤
I've watched many of your videos and this is the first one so far that's had religious references in it, which weakens the message for couples who are not religious. I understand that this is an important aspect for many people, but I thought you might benefit from the perspective of someone for whom it is not. Regardless, I still find a lot of value in most of what you say.
Hi I'm confused he quoted only 1 bible verse then mentions God once at the end, how is that too much? May I suggest, just opening your mind and heart to hearing the elements of faith and just seeing them as just another one of the self help books? God just being another Life Coach? ❤
Did the mention of God really weaken the message? Really? Really? Think about it.
You just have demons to deal with, him mentioning GOS takes absolutely NOTHING away from the message.
After my relationship I have decided its better to be done with straight relationship.
Most men dont even want to hear what hurt us. Leave taking care of us in our vulnerable times when someone else or we ourselves caused issue.
If I cant trust my partner to be emotionally available in my tough times , I dont want that partner.
Being lesbian it is .
Two women living together. Oh no!! Get ready!! 😂😂😂