Do INFJs Attract Betrayal?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ย. 2024
- INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often feel unseen and unheard in relationships. They also share a pattern of abandonment and betrayal in relationships. Most INFJ personality types and INFP personality types understand that this pattern is a pattern that they also experienced in childhood, when one or both parents were untrustworthy and/or emotionally unavailable, but they don’t understand why they keep repeating the pattern in adulthood. They also don’t understand why it seems they actually attract people who will end up betraying them, including narcissistic and other manipulative personality types.
The reason that INFJ personality types and INFP personality types experience a pattern of betrayal in their lives is because of a deeply ingrained pattern of self-abandonment. When a person engages in consistent self-abandonment, the indicators of this behavior can be seen clearly by others, including narcissists. Self-abandonment means that a person routinely violates their own boundaries in order to meet the needs or preferences of others. When a person violates their own boundaries like this enough times, the person begins to subconsciously distrust themselves and doubts their own decisions. There are small ways that other people can pick up on this pattern of self-abandonment in INFJ personality types and INFP personality types and they then become easy targets for manipulators.
In order to interrupt the pattern of betrayal it’s important for INFJ personality types and INFP personality types to heal the pattern of self-abandonment by beginning to honor their own needs and limits before the preferences of others, no matter what kind of negative reaction they receive. This takes time and training, but it can be done. The key is to start with small steps toward asserting boundaries.
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We don’t invite it, we just detect it. We are the most authentic, altruistic, and trustworthy people and others see us as potential targets.
Well said!
...or as a threat to their cherished illusions because we don't conform to or confirm their own rules and biases.
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t understand why others can’t reciprocate even in the slightest
Yeah, I think it can trigger sum ppl in this negative way like it shows their weaknesses or jadedness unconsciously and they want to tarnish your good nature or dirty your perceived "cleanliness" and it CLD be just a pattern or where they are in that moment
But I guess it falls under that
"does not have your best interest in mind" and we need to acknowledge and accept
(Versus change or imagine)
what about
To "accept" is to "respect"
Yah. I used to stretch myself thin for others all the time. Even in my 50s, I still sometimes make this mistake. Tough habit to break, but I have gotten much better at saying no.
I was trying to do work with my inner child and that's when it really hit home with me that I had abandoned myself pretty much all my life. My inner child didn't trust me as far as she could throw me. I really had to do some soul searching to understand why she would feel so unprotected and betrayed by me. You hit the nail on the head. It was all the times that I didn't protect her interests, let alone treat her as special. It's just like the little elementary school girl who's best friend dumps her to go off and play with some other kid - every time I chose someone else's interests over my own. Especially when I sacrificed myself for people I didn't really even like, who eventually betrayed or abandoned me.
❤
ahhhh, this is so it!! thank you for helping me with my inner child too!
This gives me goosebumps, it's so recognizable. Inner-child healing is the most important now, seeing how much I've abandoned myself in favor of taking care of other people. 😢 To me Abraham Hicks is a great help.
@@eenzaakvanliefde1969 I agree. I just had a Abraham Hicks video pop up in my feed and I'd forgotten how helpful they are. My own spirituality is kind of a mix between Buddhism/Abraham Hicks/Christianity/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy cause as an INFJ no one ever had to tell me it was okay to mix and match and throw out the stuff that isn't helpful to focus on the good stuff that works. But I used to have some friends who were into Abraham Hicks who first introduced me too it. But one friend in particular was just into it because she thought it was a shortcut to basically getting free stuff. And she abandoned it when it didn't work for her. I never really got the chance to help her understand that it's really deeply held beliefs that generate vibes that 'bring the free stuff' and it's not free as much and what 'belongs' to you already. Anyway, thanks for the reminder. I've got some A/H books by my bed, time to pull them out and get back to energy work. P.S. I just recently had the epiphany that Abraham Hicks WAS cognitive behavioral therapy as in change your thoughts, change your life - pick better thoughts and life gets better!
@@cynthiajohnson9412 You're INFJ? 😃 So am I. My boyfriend is also and his daughter INFP. Though they are not involved in the Abraham-material they benefit anyway by me changing through better-feeling thoughts. It's new to me, so it's a bit back and forth, but I'm getting the hang of it and love my learning how to calibrate. Writing AH- rampages in my notebook definitely makes me shift to a higher vibration. Sorry to hear your friend didn't stay. My boyfriend has some struggle with the idea he's creating his own reality. He asked for 'the exit' and from all angles was pointed to the idea that changing your perception (thoughts) can change your reality. We'll see how this works out. Good example might change things, right? Getting myself in alignment and feeling-good and practicing ways to well-being and satisfaction and appreciation is main priority, though. Thank you for sharing. 😊🌈🌹
They know we see right through them, and when they can’t manipulate anymore, we become their target. Lots of burned bridges later…
I cannot align with the cultural norm: 1. I don't feel like having a boss 2. If I have a partner, and get married, I would prefer that we live apart.
OK I am infj and I can't align with the cultural norms either...I don't want a boss either if I have a partner though and we should get married I want to live with my Queen I mean we are royal aren't we? So we should sit on our thrones with pride. We walk with our chest held high because this world is ours we can do anything once we put our minds to it. I know my true lover is just around the corner I can feel her😊
@@FamousDEntPrize-ze9pw that is nice. I think being an infj is being a free thinker and also being happy to do that
It's actually nice being called out. I have abandoned myself too much.
As INFP i really relate with this. I used to be such a people pleaser and I thought I was just being kind. Just last year I decided I didnt want to do this anymore. Im actually not going places I dont wanna go anymore. Recently stopped eatin food my body doesnt agree with, and just distancin myself from people that makes me feel icky. And I noticed I dont attract narcisst no more. When you honour and respect yourselr others will follow with u
Very interesting statement @Gemisnotmyname ! Late in life I've started to put better borders for myself - and my few narcissistic 'friends' have left! (Probably while I've stopped playing the role of their audience...) 🙋
@Gemisnotmyname Can you please tell me how to do that? Because I am not even aware of abandoning myself. How can I honor myself? When I had close friend I wanted to lift his mood up but I acted before I could properly think about consequences and I did something with what later (after it was done) felt uncomfortable. Or for example, he pretended to liking me more and wanted something more than friendship. I liked him too and I got pushed/manipulated for something. I was hyped at that moment and thought its okay to do it. But after his behavior (after the thing was done) I realized it wasn't okay and I shouldnt do it. It wasn't immediately but like a some days later because he started to be distant after he pushed me for nudes. And I was trying to hold him accountable for his behavior afterwards the sharing pics. Because he really didn't act properly. Wasn't fair trade at all. And he even dared to dump me 2 weeks after this. Despite of us being friends for year and half. I noticed that normal people don't stick to me, only narcissists and fake people saw me and stick to me some time. How can I not abandon myself when in this world we can't always act as we want? Or when someone is leading us on and we don't know it?
Many will fall off
OMG Lauren self abandonment was what came up for me in your creative alchemy workshop during the creative session. I turned what I discovered into a short story and just submitted it to a publication. THANK YOU for these tough topics on your channel. I am diving into feelings I never knew were there.
my narcissistic mother used christian doctrines to make me a people-pleaser, consequently I was exploited & abused by narcissists for 50 years until I learned this stuff & how to build healthy boundaries which can feel isolating at first but empowering once we get used to having personal security measures in place
Great video. Jam packed with stuff. I couldn't help but be struck by the food stuff - huge issue for INFJs, I agree. Which is interesting because I come from a family of narcissists where I have an older sister who is incredibly manipulative when it comes to food issues. And as an INFJ I'm always concerned that if I say no and protect a boundary about a certain food, I'm gonna come across like the jerk who makes people jump through hoops or rejects people's offering. As the scapegoat in my family, it's a unspoken rule that nobody eats the things I bring to family get-togethers, even though I'm known as a very good cook outside my family circles. So I always make a point of sampling what other people offer, even when I don't want to, as a compensation for other people's rejection. One more weird dimension of being an INFJ, we are constantly trying to over compensate for what other people withhold ( or maybe its just me). Like I always have to be extra nice and hospitable because some of my family aren't and I hate to think people see us as being boors. Took me decades to let the chips fall where they may and let them expose themselves as the boors that they are.
Thanksgiving was always at my parents’ home. I was vegetarian x 12 years back then. My mother took it as a personal insult if I didn’t eat what she cooked. So I always had to bring my own main dish. She never ever tried it. Yeah. Sucks!
Scapegoat of the family.. You bring food, they dont touch it. The first time I remember similar I was a kid bringing records to a party they refused to play, while playing everyone else's. It hurt a lot to a little kid and there seemed nothing I could do. Saying something and having it ignored would have brought more humiliating attention to it. Getting upset and angry would have made me look like the problem. A teacher would have brushed it off. What they really valued wasn't right and wrong, or love. What they really valued was the ability to dominate others and get away with it. So foreign a way of thinking to me I couldn't comprehend it then.
This is good information, however it isn't easy or even a good idea in settings for survival. Some families or even social structures have dominated everything that you have to fall in line in order to survive. Its sucks because i have lived this in my culture for a long time. It feels like you are the only one aware of what's happening and no one else dares to challenge the system, in fear of the consequences. you would have to create your own system so that you don't have to follow the crowd, which is what I'm trying to do.
Good on ya' , and I'm curious how you're approaching that and how it's working for you, as someone who has been attempting to establish something like that for awhile now, with my last attempt failing due to withdrawal of support in a crucial moment over lack of commitment to the long-term vision and imaginary "security" issues - I'm trying to recover from the losses and damage, but don't know if I can dare another attempt with others or if I even care to attempt to establish something on my own, it seems kinda pointless really.
My end goal was/(is) a co-ownership agrivillage based around regenerative agriculture/permaculture, Earthship homes and community buildings, self-sufficient food, water, energy, and other basics, community supported cottage industries, educational outreach, local alternative economy with a network of similarly-principled individuals/communities.... too much for one (very tired, traumatized, and broke) INFJ to manage alone, even if I can dig myself out of the rubble of my last attempt. I hope your efforts are more fruitful, and I really would like to know more about them, maybe it would provide some much-needed inspiration.
I NEED to remember to give myself a buffer before responding to someone.
Yes, me too, now. Attuned Responsiveness, as a parent or grandparent, is a very valuable quality for instilling security. It requires love. That responsiveness can also save your life, when hesitating would let a threat in the door.. but today, the threats and danger come disguised as normal people, with a smile and a humanitarian front
Thanks so very much for ALL of this! Sometimes it's great to see and know it's me! Sometimes - agghhhhh - it just makes me groan and go - yeah, that's me. At least I know what to celebrate and what needs work.
Very well expressed! ❤
I remember. Knowing.
Ni always knows. Ti and Se would agree. But Fe. Woud say: but we want to. Want to help. They need us. We can make a difference. If we get betrayed, is that really so bad?
Its always bad.
Hush now, Fe, youll find peace.
Good job on pointing this out. In the beginning, NI already knows, if it's gonna be good or bad, then people pleasing FE, if not regulated, can leave us perplexed, TI gets us overthinking, then SE gets us into anxiety performance. I want to trust my intuition more this time.
OMG food, such an issue. I have been vegetarian for a long time, and it has been such a struggle. I got over a lot when my daughter was growing up with a peanut allergy. I had to tell my mom that my daughter couldn't visit because my mom didn't believe in peanut allergies. Right now I am having autoimmune issues and I need to 100% cut out sugar. Even after I reversed pre-diabetes in 5 months I still hear that everyone needs some sugar. No, my body has no idea what to do with sugar and really bad things happen. Thank you for listening,
Thanks for all the info. This makes so much sense as I can’t eat gluten, liquor, smell chemicals, be around narcissist. It’s exhausting. I grew up with a large family that had NPD and this exactly what I use feel like but now have self love.
Appreciate the work and incites on your page or channel!
What a blessing! Its like conversations you want to have yet never can or do!
This was making me hear the theme that suggests concern with ourselves is selfish or self-centric, self centered
It colides into the concept we are here to serve others
That in serving others we are doing the "right" thing
This humbling and suppressing our needs wants and desires to be of service to others being admirable and necessary
Like many things
We merge together
Which if left seperate might be more helpful
As in knowing ourselves our strength and weaknesses and being honest about our limitations as well as the limitations of others
But i can see how constantly being told it is selfish or self serving and service to others being the golden ticket
Now there's this big chatter that are service to others is actually selfish.
(So, you can't win -you are just self serving whether you realize it or not)
Making it easy to get lost in the nuance of life.
There's obviously somesort of balance to be struck or behold
But we almost are having to sort through various sentiments from the generational/social and spiritual beliefs held at the time.
Because the sentiment is get out of your head and do
Stop thinking about you and focus on others
Ppl also will classify thinking about yourself as childlike and thinking more about others as mature, adult and the responsible natural path we are supposed to follow
Which is where the formation of this pattern of "self sabotage" gets established
"Cut off your nose despite your face" is classic for this patterned behavior
This stuff can be so tricky because its very intricate
Ppl who are used and yrained very early to abandon themselves for the sake of the group/connection or social norms or functional society etc
Get very confused
Its like this "overstearing" and correcting that impulse to give up or give in and comply
to get along stuff
Smile have good posture
Be attractive
Like it can be true and yet it can be "depersonalizing" ?
Serving others can be so self depleting if we never have the support we try to be and we end up bailing from relationships and then just being suspicious or paranoid without maybe realizing when it comes to starting relationships or connecting
Thank you for this Lauren, even though it's a double-edged sword pointy end first, both affirming of the experience and simultaneously summoning the evil spirits. 👹
One of the (many) difficulties is to even recognize what needs we are/were attempting to meet through service to others because they tend to be so intangible and entangled with our trauma history of NOT getting whatever it was satisfied, and for a variety of mysterious reasons not being able to identify how we could have done or expected otherwise. Eventual end result (for me, at least)- full stop. "MY turn. But for what?"
These videos are awesome, and the classes are even "awesomer" (and triggering- I think they call it some kinda growth.) 😊
The pattern of needing to have a purpose in the workd has driven me to helping to much and overaccomodating. The pattern happens so fast because it is deeply ingrained in the unconscious, i have to practice so much compassion when i override my boundaries abd agree to doing things and playing roles for others. Im glad to know this isnt just a phenomenon development feom childhood abuse but a oattern infjs struggle with. It gives it a larger context and reduces shame that comes up when you think you are psychologically defective abd a national pushover.
...this used to be me several months ago, drew a line in the sand, and stood my ground... it's been hard, but it has made a world of difference... appreciate all the advice in the past 2 classes.
After 40 I came to the realization that I, as an INFJ who lacks boundaries, actually make narcissists out of innocent people!
Thank you so much for making this video. After another betrayal is’t comforting to know I can do something about it ❤
Totally agree. I am starting to work this into my life. I totally agree. I cannot confirm or align to the norm at all.
I think my expectations are way too high. (Sigh). Btw, your hair looks amazing. I love the color and the curls.
It was always a yes from me when I was younger, it took too long from me to say no. I started saying no with apologies and justification but the narcissists would sense there's still a soft spot and try to get that yes.
So for an INFJ, it feels pretty bad to have to be like this. It took so much to say no but not being taken seriously times after times from the same person, door-slam is the answer.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this video it explains so much 😢 this pattern is INCREDIBLY hard to break
Brilliant! Again! Thank you so much, Lauren !
This is so complicated situation. Because I would "betray" myself just to be loved by someone which is for me very important. Its like, nor A or B is right. If I stick to my standarts, I am alone. If I betray myself, I still end up alone. So whats the point of it??? Doesn't matter If I "betray" myself or no, I am still not loved and don't get any real love. My father was absent (narcissist, didnt live with us), mom is emotionally unavailable and immature. Only my grandma was telling me "I like you" but she was also very dominant and had big ego. But at least she took care about me when I was sick. She SAW ME. In my life I feel that only fake people and narcissists see me. Its like If I was invisible for normal people.
I think it happens for me because im afraid to show up and be authentic with the people who actually value me. Honestly dont know how to handle someone actually giving me attention
Very supportive and apt words of advice❤
I wrote before I watched the video. The answer from the subtitle is YES, but it doesn’t make me weak, opposite, stronger! So many times happened, it’s like drinking water for me!😂😊
Infj male. Instinctively, I want to say infjs literally trade using a different currency than the rest. To us it's immensely valuable, to the others its not the currency they speak and prize. They might be polite for a while, but not for long.
Thank you for this.
So needed this ...
Such a great video!
I give chances, then I run and bolt the door shut
Story of my life xD
DO we? It sure as hell seems so, but perhaps it's only confirmation bias- strong emphasis on CONFIRMATION.
That pesky Fe, our primary means of engaging with the world, experiencing OTHER people's pleasure for our secondhand enjoyment and vicarious satisfaction. That ONE finely tuned string resonating with every sad tune in our sphere of perception, played on and preyed on by everyone with nothing to offer in return. And they wonder why the cold stare, "resting bitch face", and slamming doors! -INFJ
Very helpful thanks ❤
Why do you lump INFJ with INFP?
Great videos for this class, Lauren. This is Marcia. As usual, I’m counting the seconds….,
If you ever make an "Do INFJs/INFPs irritate themselves?" video, I hope I'm the first one to view it. T_T
Interesting. I need to hear more.. ty
Amazing thank you.
Just curious, along with food sensitivities, do INFJs/INFPs have other food issues like anorexia/bulimia?
How do I tell someone that they are not allowed to emotionally manipulate me? I usually just don't allow myself to be emotionally manipulated and I end up feeling annoyed, but people seem really shocked when they realize that they weren't actually able to make me feel bad about myself.
Kindly increase the gain on your video's audio. There is a mismatch so when commercials play the audio is very loud. Thanks
Thank you!
It's a bit shocking that you say that about food sensitivities... why would you say we have this issue with food? I've had really big issues with food since I started eating. People say we're this personality type because of our relationship to our parents, how would that be then, would you say? Do you believe INFJs develop these sensitivities or it's the other way around? That ppl are born with these sensitivities and then create a pattern of not respecting one's boundaries which then attracts everything else? Or is it a general.. karma?
Ok but what If I think I am not abandoning myself? When someone wanted my "private pictures" that person really played it well, pretended that he loves me and so on. So how is that self abandonment? Does this mean that I can't be never happy? That I can never have relationship? Because all what I attracted were narcissists who only used me and abused me.
Or we make a person narcissist because we praise them a lot that boost their ego
13:20 How is being inconsiderate a form of betrayal? I don't think that someone not seeing you is betrayal!
Are most INFJs, the baby in the family?
✔
This is BS! It might happen to some that are insecure but in general it has to do with the characteristics of your personality. Although they are your strengths it also gives room for betrayers and narcissist to come in. Since an early age I’ve had the reputation for being intolerant. Meaning I don’t allow others to take advantage of me. Use the door slam frequently and have become very good at reading intentions. If you want to blame yourself for being soft be my guest. When you’re a good person someone will always try take advantage INFJ INTP or whatever. I would focus more on the fact that this is why the lone wolf exist, it’s not because of insecurity or because we like being lone wolves, our personalities and our strengths are use and when used we run the risk of being used. And because we can see intentions we cut people off before they get close.
I do also sense that this can't be 100% true in all cases. I don't like this "you abandon / you betray self" idea. It feels like victim shaming when the same actions which I did, would be completely okay with normal healthy person and it wouldnt feel like self betrayal.
😢
As INFP i really relate with this. I used to be such a people pleaser and I thought I was just being kind. Just last year I decided I didnt want to do this anymore. Im actually not going places I dont wanna go anymore. Recently stopped eatin food my body doesnt agree with, and just distancin myself from people that makes me feel icky. And I noticed I dont attract narcisst no more. When you honour and respect yourselr others will follow with u