First Line Frenzy™ #12: An Editor Reviews Your Opening Line | Reedsy Live
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ต.ค. 2024
- First Line Frenzy™ returns to Reedsy Live with another opportunity to get feedback from a top editor. Any writer can submit the first line of their story for critique in an educational, fun, supportive environment. Through her mini-reviews, Reedsy editor Rebecca Heyman will reveal what makes an opening line successful and compelling.
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This was amazing. Please do this again. The insights were illuminating. I especially like how Rebecca corrects the grammar and syntax, too.
Thanks for tuning in! ❤
Stop waking up in line one, everyone. The poor woman sang a whole song about it on Instagram.
Omg yes I did!! I’ll be ready for an encore next time we’re live. 😅
Loved the laughs on this one! “It’s a picture book.” 😂
I'm so incredibly happy that this series is back!
Really appreciate the feedback, Rebecca! I absolutely love First Line Frenzy and having you read one of my lines was so much fun. Can't wait for the next one.
She entered the room Caucasianly LMAOOO
I’m so sorry I missed the live. This was so entertaining and insightful, so I’ll be sure to catch the next one. You guys had me cracking up
I'm in full support of you about Winnie the Pooh being a "him", Rebecca! 😂😍
Rebecca Heyman is fantastic. Very informative and a lot more fun that other guests. I would imagine she is the perfect lunch partner and friend.
Thank you for taking the time Rebecca, really insightful👍🙏 Hope this wasn't too much of a fact-cake.
I very much enjoyed this presentation. Sept 14th, I attended a paid seminar hosted by Writer's Digest University given by J Cleland that was a complete waste of time.
The repetition in the Nazar 50 sentence creates a very good rhythm. I would absolutely not change this, it serves a very good purpose. Rhythm, foreboding etc...
I just read through the Earthsea saga last year. I don't remember encountering "bespeaks" at all. Maybe it was just so egregious that I reflexively blocked it out of my vision.
This was a great session. I have no idea why I didn't know about this all along. I hope my submission will be picked next time. Joining from Zimbabwe means the times can be a challenge for me, but I'll make sure to always tune in. 😊
You can always submit then check the replay. Martin is in the UK so they're always trying to find a happy medium between his and Becca's timezones, which *might* make it more likely to work for you.
Fantastic critiques, Rebecca! you’re incredibly quick off the mark to articulate what’s good, “meh” or not good about these lines (while it would take me more than a few minutes to get past more than a vague vibe) as WELL as brainstorming suggested improvements on the spot.
While I disagree with some of your remarks (just another reminder that reading is such a subjective process), I’m sad to see the negativity in the comments. Just wanted to say kudos for what you’re doing! For those of us who value your critiques, we’re adult enough to shrug off any minor niggles, because there’s so much to learn regardless.
I am totally interested in Victor, there is tension because we get the feeling there is something at stake. In the standing and contemplating lies the tension.
these are awesome i would love to watch more
The Nazar-50-sentence is brilliant!
Her Whitey whiteness marked her as a stranger in these lands, the moon in harmony with her skin rang out in the night. Going to be the opening line in the next book I start. Thanks for the suggestion ;)
Attended the seminar, very interesting.thanks for your time
I've heard of streetwear before, and it makes me think that that story is either set in Japan or written by a Weeaboo. From my understanding it describes clothing in a fashion subculture that has rules (strictness of said rule vary by subculture and location) and originates in Japan. There are so many, and they live, morph, and die faster than I can keep up with. I remember a cottage core like forest fairy inspired one, one where you dress up like you are a monster - but was visually distinct from furries, a self harm one (where you had those idolizing self harm and those trying to create support groups and increase awareness due to high rates in Japan fighting each other), Lolita is one of the most well known...
It just adds to the "fetishizing a culture" vibes that I'm getting from that line. Like if you want it set in Asia, name drop a region/district in Asia and state its this characters hometown/their family had lived their for generations.
Really interesting observation -- thank you! I was unaware of "streetwear" as a subculture term. Appreciate your contribution!
no picks from historical fiction category. Great insights though from the discussion. Thanks a lot, @Rebecca.
Re: Maternity line, it's also a fact-cake. Alex is clearly the MC so we need his emotions. Characters expressing emotions about stuff that hurts them is important to draw you in. This line instead feels like trying to force the reader to have Alex's emotions for him. Like yes, it's sad, so: TELL ME HOW SAD YOU ARE ALEX! (Or if he's not sad, then I would want to know that too)
Great observation!
Thank you! Very helpful. I will be back and I wasn't able to make it live so it was wonderful to watch now. FUN!!
Fun is the goal (along with strong first lines!) ❤
Great job again - thank you
Hey there I am joining from London. I knew my first line needed to be expanded but watched this to find out what was missing. Though I have now expanded the first line, it remains wordy and weak. I wish to submit my first sentence for review to switched-on Rebecca Heyman. Thank you.
Genre: YA Fantasy.
I thought this was just a read on how the first line would come across - grabbing attention, ok or put the book back. Wasn't expecting all the extra.
Very insightful.
I gazed forlornly at the For Sale sign outside my house.
Not waking up is a bummer, I mean, everything's a cliche eventually right? It's not a matter of creativity, it's a matter of when the day starts for the character. Start them by walking in a door? that's an awakening of a sort, start them by talking to someone and learning something? that's an awakening also. Avoiding cliche's is a cliche.
@@vitalysikorskiy5938 Doesn't do homework? Blindly following the masses isn't homework and is indicative of a sheep mentality. Craft level is subjective also. There's many examples of a book starting with a person waking up. Avoiding waking up will become cliche in time.
"bespeaks" is wild XD
My favourite series
Nice edit on the waxing gibbous moon line.
For the following:
Confusion ran through us like a contagion that night.
Instead of ran would coursed work?
Confusion coursed through us like a contagion that night.
Maybe plauged? Confusion plauged us like a contagion that night? Idk.
Contrary to popular belief not all real estate agents are Realtors. Realtors are specifically members of The National Association of Realtors.
I don't get the emails for these anymore. I still get Reedsy emails, just not the FLF submission emails.🤷♂
this was a hoot to watch. but maybe next time, my first line will be picked.
Thanks for being here! We get so many submissions for each live, but you never know when you’ll get picked!
New York Times is an exception to the rule about italicizing only the publication name, and not the city name. The whole thing is italicized.
Thanks, Margo! I can never keep all the papers straight 🙃
Still couldn't see my first line (2nd time)
I'm sorry, but I'm reading through The Three Body Problem by Liu Cixin right now, and in regards to the whole "Asian features" thing, he has used that descriptive phrase several times in the books, and since he is an actual Asian person from an Asian country and he seems to be fine with saying that, and has not gotten "cancelled" or received any pushback on it at all, I think I am going to trust that actual Asian people don't have any issue with that instead of listening to a white woman from middle America who feels like she needs to be offended on behalf of an entire continent of people that aren't even offended themselves.
Holding is used in past-tense. I dont believe there is any other way to explain someone holding something in the past other than saying holding. In this particular sentence structure, held would not work
9:19 badum tss
The "bespeaks" line, I would *love* if that was the term used because it was implying it was some kinda telepathy as opposed to normal speech and that was the way to differentiate.
If you're gonna use a really wild term, be nice if it was descriptive by implication, then you have a good reason for it! :D
I have European features. Telling which European country I'm from just by looking at me would be a guessing game. Calling the author a racist was defamatory and totally out of line. I will never watch this person ever again.
Sorry I missed. Time zone problems.
Ceresse - Australia
She mentioned having children at home. Why is she so triggered by a woman being pregnant?
Why would shopping for maternity clothes be considered a societal conformity?….I mean, I feel like that’s a pretty normal thing to do if you’re a pregnant woman who can’t fit in her clothes anymore… just seems like something odd to feel weird about😅
Edit: Maybe the author was going for a little bit of mystery? They probably left out her name for a reason, it could be a big reveal at some point.
While a lot of the comments Rebecca made were disrespectful to authors or questionable as to accuracy, the treatment she gave to the following line was truly deplorable. This, by the way, is NOT my submission.
“The day Alex Bryson’s wife disappeared, she was shopping for maternity clothes.”
This is Rebecca's response, verbatim, after a very over-the-top, and again, disrespectful gesture:
"Okay, so, we are characterizing a missing woman as someone's wife and as someone's soon-to-be mother. But she lacks agency, and now she's gone, so I am like, a little . . . it rankles, a little bit, that like, we have to so carefully contextualize this woman as someone's wife and then mention the maternity clothes thing so like, it's not really something you shop for for other people, so we have to assume that she herself is expecting, and it's just, it is like, um, we're being like beat over the head by the idea of this person's, um, conformity to certain societal expectations of femininity. And so that bothers me on like a personal, like it just kinda gets me. Uh, I also don't really know who this line is supposed to be about. Is it supposed to be about Alex, or is it supposed to be about his wife? Cuz if it's about his wife, I'm not sure why she doesn't get her own name. She's just someone's wife and someone's soon-to-be mother, and like, yeah, I mean I think anyone, like, even mildly feminist leanings will see that that is a flawed sentence for that reason, in this year of the Barbie movie 2023, I just feel like we can do a little better by the women in our books even if they are going to disappear, which like a lot of them do, so . . . "
Rebecca's over-reactive rant presumes a swath of assumptions, motivations, and viewpoints and attributes them to a single sentence. But more importantly, it demonstrates that she fails to understand a basic concept of fiction writing, which is this: THE VOICE OF THE NARRATOR IS NOT THE VOICE OF THE AUTHOR. The narrator or viewpoint character may, in fact, be sexist or otherwise dismissive of women. But to impugn that to the author and/or to expect all characters in a novel to adopt Rebecca's view of acceptable linguistic discourse and wokeism is to miss a fundamental concept of storytelling. That she does not realize this and is in a position to educate others is alarming.
Reedsy, perhaps this is Rebecca's first job out of college, and she has plenty of time to learn, but your organization should carefully evaluate your guests' basic knowledge of fiction writing as well as their cultural sophistication before assigning them the role of teaching writers. This segment was downright embarrassing to watch.
For the record, I am a feminist (and how anyone can think the Barbie movie is a feminist movie, I have no idea).
Common fragile white man L. A feminist you are not.
1. I applaud your transcription. That was a lot of effort. Great work!
2. I’m almost 40, so you really had me with “first job out of college.” Kinda made my day.
3. Sounds like my style of critique isn’t for you. Maybe just…don’t watch next time?
@@firstlinefrenzy931 Voice-to-text is a handy tool you can find in Gmail, Word, and many other software programs. No transcription or effort required. :) I notice you didn't address any of the substantive issues I raised, but you should at least think about them if you want to grow in your field.
I used to really enjoy these, but I’ve noticed she’s gotten more and more political as the series has gone on. I agree she gets too critical sometimes based on her personal political preferences, as not all readers are going to be as offended as she is by certain things! There was nothing wrong with the ‘Alex’s wife’ line, I understand why the author left her name out. Also, the “Asian features” line didn’t bother me at all, and I really doubt that would be offensive to Asians😅 I’d rather the author say something like that which gives me a clear image of what the character looks like than try to tiptoe around words with stupid flowery descriptions. Saying she has Asian features is literally just that, the character is Asian. There is no underlying racism or wherever else people are going to try to read into that😂
@@katelynharrison3779 exactly, and if the character is Asian, what is the preferred way to tell the reader that?? Or are we not mentioning race at all because to do so is offensive? 🙄
I'll be honest--I didn't appreciate the crass use of Christ's name towards the end, and just found it distracting. Otherwise though, terrific video! You got a great batch of lines this time, and had insightful comments as always.
When an anime weeb tries to write a novel. "...pulled in tight over her Asian features."
.....
.....
-_-
Exactly how it read hahaha probably goes on to repeatedly mention her body
In the King's English, commas usually go outside the quotation marks. Stating inside as the definitive rule is sad and validates the stereotype.
Commas and other punctuation still go inside dialogue quotes. If something is being quoted, then the punctuation goes on the outside. If you read British literature you can see those rules in action.
@@bananaboatcharlie It only goes inside if it's part of the quotation/dialogue (when it continues later in the sentence). In this case, there is no more, so it goes outside. Most British/Australian authors, who intend to sell into the US market, use US spelling and grammar. Most British/Australian readers are fine reading this style and don't double-take when they see color, aluminum, or double quotes for dialogue. The US market doesn't appreciate British spelling or single quotes. British style is now mainly relegated to output from universities.
ComMents are helpful, but some of them could really humiliate and shame people. I'm out.
Constructive criticism is meant to help people improve, thats why people submit them, for brutally honest feedback. People who submits these are prepared to be told the honest perspective from an editor both good or bad. If they cant handle a negative critque they probably arent ready for their work to be out there & wouldnt submit in the first place. Most of us dont take ourselves so seriously man, its one sentence looking for feedback, not something to be "humiliated" over. If I got a negative response I would laugh & say "ya thats probably true, let me see how to improve this, im grateful for the feedback to make it better & increase my chance of success to publish a hit", not "oh my god im so embarressed" , these are fairly anonymous anyways.
43:09 Absolutely nothing wrong with the Alex Bryson's wife line.
I mean, it's more emotional to think a wife and mother disappeared, rather than a random woman disappeared. Just like it's would elicit more feelings to think a husband and father disappeared, rather than a random man. So, that commentary was personal, vindictive, and inaccurate.
Also, the Barbie movie was trash.
That's soooo not true lol. I don't value peoples lives more if they're married lol
The Asian rant has me💀😂
Why are we on a soapbox because an author described a character simply by stating that they have Asian features?
“Maybe they had sallow skin or gaunt features” or maybe the character was just Asian? I’m pretty sure that’s all the author meant here, it’s not that deep😅
What’s wrong with stating the ethnicity of a character? It helps me get a better image of them. Asian features clearly mean they’re from somewhere is Asia, cool I know more about them and what they look like because (*gasp* yes, Asians do have similar features) If a character is described as African American great! I can picture them better. If they’re Irish I’m going to hear all of their lines in that accent. If they’re American, Canadian, Vietnamese, South African, Italian or even a Frickin alien TELL ME😂
Also, I feel like this is common sense, but if the author described the woman as having Asian features it might be important to the story. Why was she trying to hide her features? Did it take place during a war? Was she in a country where it was dangerous to be Asian? Hiding from a group of assassins? Who know? It definitely creates questions and makes the reader more curious. It’s the first line, the author probably tells you what part of Asia she’s from later in the story. Right now all we know is that she’s Asian, why is that SOOO terrible?
“Asian features” is not as specific as you’re making it seem. Someone from Vietnam or the Philippines do not typically look like someone from Japan or Korea. Also if you hear someone is African American and get one clear picture of them (again, as if all black people look the same) then that says more about your worldview than anything else. Comparing it to saying someone is Irish and can hear their accent is completely different, because it’s a sonic thing referring to dialogue. But if they said “Irish features” what does that mean? If you’re relying on stereotypes and picture red hair, freckles, and green eyes, again, that says more about you than the character itself.
@@LeilaHolley Get off of your high horse. If the author wrote Asian features, they are probably referring to the features the majority of Asians have, if they wanted to be more specific they would have been. Is it a stereotypical thing to say? Maybe. Is it true? Yes🙄
And stop putting words in my mouth to twist them. Obviously black people don’t all look the same🙄 I meant if the author describes a character as African American then I know they’re black and can therefore get a better image. I feel like that was pretty clear.
I was talking about common descriptions, OBVIOUSLY not all Irish people are red headed and freckled, duh, but most of them DO have an accent, so that’s why I said accent. I was talking about the descriptions in general, the more the better. Hair color, skin color, eye color, nationality literally anything helps me get a better picture of a character. Have some common sense and stop twisting things to make an argument, good lord.🙄
The problem with just saying “Asian features” is that it forces us, as readers, to rely on the stereotypes of what we assume to be Asian. Of course there are similarities between countries in Asia, etc., but good writing is all about specificity. Someone from Japan has a completely different attire, customs, religion, culture, etc from someone in Seoul or Tokyo or wherever. Same way someone from the suburbs in the US would have a completely different life and therefore worldview as someone in a rural area. The point of a first line is to quickly and efficiently tell us something about the character, so not only is saying “Asian” inherently racist because of the fact that it forces readers to rely on stereotypes. But it’s also just lazy writing.
@@jc6086 ‘features’ is purely cosmetic, it’s what they look like, it’s not referring to their culture or customs or anything else and that is very clear in the sentence. She could very well be Asian American but there’s a specific reason she’s hiding her Asian features. Y’all are seriously reaching with this racism stuff.
It’s also a first line, and while first lines are important, you can’t expect every detail in the world to fit in it.
There was probably a reason the author said ‘Asian features’, and this is why we read books before making snap judgments.
Good writing is not always about specificity, sometimes less is more. If you cram a thousand details into the first sentence, it’s not going to sound well written at all.
@@muadhnate Yes, but like I said, it could be important to the story to know she has Asian features. What if there was a group of Asian assassins coming after her and she was taking cover in another country? Yeah, they’d still see other people with Asian features but her own Asian features would still endanger her. People are just trying to turn this into a race issue and they’re so quick to jump to offense on someone else’s behalf but it’s just unnecessary. This author meant no harm or offense they were just writing, and they’re probably newer at it. People love to see negativity where there isn’t any and it’s getting ridiculous. Authors can barely write anything nowadays without offending someone. It’s getting beyond stupid out here😵💫