“Its no longer attractive to try to teach someone how to be a decent human being!” Yessss - I’m here now. Finally. Thank you so much. Enjoying your book!!
Reign I found so much perspective after being ghosted by a narc ex-friend. Only in that time was I able to really see that he had actually never done anything for me, and, I believe, did engage in some forms of sabotage in business and other relationships.
@@reboundingfromnarcissistic5386 It wasn't meant to correct you. But I've understood through decades of abuse that you don't heal until you do the recovery work. You have to break the original trauma bond to get fully free. I am finally near to this, but still working on it 💪💪💪
I'm going through cognitive dissonance now. It's torture. I still love him. I still want to be with him and I hope I can get through this soon. Thank you for the tips
For his actions. I made up more excuses defending him than really seeing the truth. I was wearing the rose colored glasses for a long long time. They are off now and I have moved forward learning, reading and self healing. This was all a lesson to wake me up and I am getting stronger each and every day. I will never let my boundaries fade and let someone manipulate me ever again! I am better than that😬😉
I would say not half the blame. I am now aware of npd and I realized how much I idealized him. So with that said... now that I recognize how I was I will change my empathetic ways and own me
Thank you Meredith for making these available to us. Talk about serendipity, just this morning I prayed for God to break the trauma bond/soul ties and then on a facebook group someone posted this podcast! Hope was renewed and I have a firmer foothold on where I am in the process(working on myself and maintaining limited or no contact) and looking forward to breaking free from my childhood chains and living the life I was meant to and all this at 65 years old! It’s never too late to start! God bless you, Meredith in your work!
I have experienced that transformation ... the Trauma Bond has broken! And sure enough, a test: he emailed from a new, unblocked address. I felt "icky", as you said! 😊 This video is brilliant, exactly on point, and totally affirmative for me! Thank you so much!! Yes it has been hard, painful work... yes it is worth it, and I have more work to do! 💕
Oh boy,.. Did I need that right now! Meridith, you are so clear,.. you pack in so much knowledge & light in a way that evenly flows,. And makes so much sense,. You are truly a healer,.
18 months no contact! I can’t imagine where I would be had I not chosen that path! Listening to your podcasts helps reinforce my choices when my thought meander back to the FOG. 👍🙏
Hello Meredith, good morning to you.Wow ,does this podcast speak to me.It really resonates with me.Sounds like you are talking directly to me.It as if you've just described my life with my wife.I never knew anything about this narcissist topic,and all the stuff that goes along with it. Well I do now, thanks to you and all the others out there talking about this topic. Where were you all ,35 yrs ago.I have been married to my narcissist wife 35yrs now,38 going on 39yrs together.What a fckn rollercoaster ride it was been.You wouldn't believe it all, because I can hardly believe it all. It's Really hard to understand how someone can pretend to be so nice, and yet be so cold hearted ,so cruel,so mean,so evil and carry on like nothing has happened between us, pretending that everything is alright,when they know that everything is not alright.Well I know now that nothing has ever been right between us. My wife is definitely a covert narcissist and an alcoholic besides which doesn't help matters.I know now that she is a really sick person. I don't drink alcohol and have been sober for many years now.I have also never cheated on her.She has cheated on me so many times you wouldn't believe it One night stands threesomes,gangbangs.She is a serial cheater. I wonder what made her this way,what happened to her. Well enough for now. I will continue listening to your podcasts ,for they are very helpful to me, gaining insight and knowledge.I sure wish I would've found out sooner. Hey Meredith thanks again for all your help.You take care and keep up the good work.Till next time,so long from northern minnesota. Lots of love to you and all.
Meredith I just listened to this podcast again and it reminded me of what I an important person you are in the world of narcissistic abuse recovery. In 2017 and 2018 when I became more and more aware of the reality of the abusive relationship I was in you were there with me through your TH-cam videos. Helping me to think more clearly and to gain the strength to break away from this debilitating yet powerful bond. You were a lifesaver to me and continue to be for many others. It has been over two years since the final break away and no contact. Today my life is peaceful and productive. Better than ever actually. Although what I went through was devastating on many many levels it was also at the same time an awakening. I was blind to my own instinctive behavior patterns that led me to this toxic place. I am in such a better place in part thanks to your wise coaching.
Thank you. You're validating the healing and the change happening in my life. 4 years of healing are going somewhere, slowly and the tears and dedication are paying off. Beyond grateful ♡
Thank you. I have spent my entire adult life trying to break free from my mom, always thinking that I was awful for wanting to leave her. I now know that I was instinctually distancing myself from her and then she broke her ankle and she moved in so that I could take care of her, due to her shit storm, she stayed with us for two years, leaving 1.5 years ago when I chose to set boundaries. I recently decided to cut ties with my mom, FREEDOM! I decided that I would sit down and write an 'exit letter', not for my Mom, but as an explanation to family/friends that I felt might need a full explanation. I've only actually sent it to one person, my uncle/her brother, and he's been supportive. Honestly, just writing the 'exit letter' gave me peace . . . This will likely be difficult for you to understand and process, but I feel it's something that I need to explain to you . . . I have been struggling with my mom my entire life and I've always thought it was my fault for being 'too difficult' 'too stubborn' 'too willful' . . . but it's not me, it's my mom. I've allowed her to treat me this way, I've fought her controlling ways, but she always guilts or manipulates me into giving in to her demands. But after watching the deplorable way she treated/treats Tony, (the person I love, the person who I've shared 18 years of my life with and possibly the only person I've ever trusted), I decided to do some soul searching and have concluded that I'm done with the 'relationship'. Hard, I know, but this is how it must be for me to survive. No Contact First off, this is not a decision that I came to lightly, I anguished over it, I dove deep and educated myself, I have exhausted all other avenues and I can assure you, this is NOT something I am doing to 'punish' or hurt my mom. I did not make this decision following a fight or out of anger, the last time we were together it was actually quite pleasant. I am not looking for an apology from her, that bridge has long since burned. I have given myself permission to end this cycle of abuse. I am broken, but I am capable of mending. And I hope after reading this, you will be able to respect my decision. A few weeks ago my mom started plaguing my mind, constant nagging thoughts, dread and anxiety; and I realized that it had been quite awhile since I had texted her; one of my closest friends, Deb, had passed away suddenly and I had been processing my pain, emptiness, and loss; so I grabbed my phone to shoot off a text, "hey, love you, hope you're doing well . . . . . " and I noticed that the last text exchange we had had was telling her that I needed to cancel our plans that week, my friend Deb had passed away . . . Her response was, 'ok, she was a good friend to you. Take care. Give my love to her family.' . . . and then nothing . . . No messages. No inquiries into how I was coping. Nothing. Silence. And apparently I was ok with that, because I hadn't noticed. And even when I did notice, my only thought was ‘that’s just how mom is.’ . . . That's NOT normal. I chose not to text her and instead decided to research what could be causing the silent treatment, and WOW, I did not expect to SUDDENLY be hit with the realization that my mom is, very likely, an undiagnosed covert narcissist and I was being punished for cancelling our plans. It suddenly hit me that all of this was a regular cycle . . . I was constantly disappointing her and in turn she was freezing me out . . . MIND FUCKING BLOWN. And down the rabbit hole I went . . . The MOMENT I truly believed that my mom was a covert (introverted) narcissist, the veil DROPPED and my brain flooded me with a lifetime of repressed memories and moments in time where I was lost, confused, anguish filled and alone. WOW. . . . Wow. Emotional mess. Shattered. The first thing I did was educate myself on narcissism, but more specifically, covert narcissistic mothers . . . and . . . well . . . YIKES. I had no control over this, I was born into this dysfunctional, unstable, chaotic nightmare. I was 'trained' to cater to my moms every wish and desire, and if I didn't, I was punished, and we're not talking about a five minute time out, she would full on ice me out for weeks . . . or however long it took me to 'please' her and gain forgiveness, . . . jumping through her imaginary hoops. But I have to admit, icing me out was WAY BETTER than being the target of one of her meltdowns! I'm 48 years old and still terrified of her meltdowns, they're sudden, venomous and seem to come out of nowhere . . . they left me powerless, frightened, confused, and alone. Every. Single. Time. I learned quite quickly that I needed to stay in line for my best chance at avoiding one of her meltdowns. I was never at ease, I was always watching and waiting for the next attack. Trained. For as long as I can remember, I've had a reoccurring thought, 'it's not my fault I was born.' . . . and those thoughts were always following an interaction with my mom. Broken-down. I have always felt horrible for feeling that I don't like my mom, that I wished I could avoid her at all cost. She wears a fantastic mask in public and I've played right along . . . because that's how I was trained. I absolutely detested playing that role, but it was a small price to pay to keep the 'peace'. I don't remember a time that I didn't spiral at the thought of spending time with her. I have an irrational fear of her calls and texts. I've always been uncomfortable around her. And yet, I would chase after her in hopes that one day she'd love me. Shame. I now recognize her pattern of abuse. And I know that my mom coming to live with us for those two, anxiety ridden, years, was actually the stepping stone I needed to get to a healthy and fulfilling future. Had it not been for that living arrangement, I might not have been able to see the truth and stop the cycle. Empowerment. I don’t hate my mom, she's my mom and I love her. I truly believe she has a mental disorder that she’s been struggling with her entire life . . . and it’s undiagnosed, so she might not even know. I feel sorry and sad for her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will never see or speak to her again. Understanding. This has not been easy for me, never would I have imagined that I would remove myself from my closest family, but here I am. I have spent my entire life chasing after and seeking the approval of someone who doesn't care and now I'm choosing to focus all that time and energy on bettering myself. If you have questions, please educate yourself on NPD (TH-cam has a wealth of information) and reflect on your own personal experiences with my mom. I also ask that you respect my decision and don't try to convince me otherwise . . . I've lost far too much time doing that to myself, only to be wounded much more deeply. I am free.
If this was the only video out there on Narc abuse..it would be enough! Every freaking word warrioress goddess of truth...so love you...and now I am in the thriver stage....never felt better...you are precious to us all...huge hug sweetheart. .💖💜💖
This is SO on point! Changing my focus from him to myself opened the door to the real healing process. I’m still in the beginning and I still don’t know what I want, but I can rest temporarily knowing I need space to figure it out.
This was one of the best podcasts I listened to recently. In fact, I think your work is getting better and better Meredith, and I can say that because I have been following your videos for years. Congratulations, you are an exceptional professional and I totally enjoy listening to you.
Cristina Magurean agreed. i almost completely stopped listening early on bc Meredith would say "right" at the end of a lot of sentences, but there was something in the substance of the mssg that made me want to hear some more.
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This is SO chock full of critical information - should be a must-hear for anyone suffering at the hands of an emotional abuser. Top notch content, thank you!
That's so true, once you've broken the trauma-bond, any kind of abuse is repulsive. Once you've become free, you're no longer able to tolerate abuse, you're unable to justify it, minimize it or sugar coat it, because now the veil is gone that prevented you from seeing clearly and you recognize the dispicable act of abuse for what it is. What beats me is the fact that even though I've distanced myself from abusers and no longer react to their shinanigans the way they intended me to react, they still insist on trying to convince me that I am the defunctional crazy one. This inability to accept that I'm no longer under their spell, and that no matter what they do, they can no longer affect and influence me, and that every one of their attacks is backfiring, proves that they're terribly mentally deranged.
@Elle D no matter whom they're able to convince of their lies, there's no hiding from the reality of who they really are, what they've done and their unproductive miserable existance.
I was diagnosed with this after Leaving a Cult and Having a controlling husband two years ago and You just Wokw me up to what cognitive Distance Really is, It took me awhile to really get it. Thank you for your Video's
That was so clear and so concise. Thank you so much. Ive been struggling with Stockholm syndrome for 20 years and am currently in a repeat cycle I am trying to find the courage to see the truth why I keep going back and staying miserable.
Wow, it's been almost a decade since my breakup and I happened to listen to this and didn't realize that all these years I stored the 'good times' as actual good times and let the bad times and disrespect outweigh the good and justify the break up without realizing that the 'good times' weren't actually 'good' or at least TRUE and real this whole time! (I really wanted to believe they were! tough realization here). Thank you for this realization. It's huge! And as for giving them a name.. did that years ago and it permanently stuck as 'my crazy psycho ex boyfriend.' Thanks for your work.. I'm sharing it with others now going through their own trauma bonding experience. So much thanks!
I was drawn to this because I recently went through a break up with a narcissist girlfriend. I was shocked when I realized I didn't see those flags or believe they could be real flags (since it was just a simple friendship)... so happy to complete these steps after all of these years!
If you keeping getting help from abusive people you are only strengthening the trauma bound.I wish I had this 2 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache
I am struggling with being stuck in isolation... being afraid of everyone in case of running into abuse again but somehow I will break free from this. Thank you Meredith Miller you are a life saver. You're helping me heal little by little. I can't wait to order your book.
Thanks for the insight! 🙏🏼 very valuable information to know where we are in this quest. I pray that your dream comes true “ For all of us going through the struggles of being played by a Narc get the proper recovery and not to be stuck for long”
i admit im going through cognitive dissonance, especially at night or when im physically tired, i get the urge to make it back to him and make it work, but i’ve done it so many times and again nothing changes.
Meredith is such an eloquent speaker, I could listen to her nonstop even if the topic was how to boil the perfect hard boiled eggs. She should be a professor at Harvard or any other Ivy League schools. She is a beautiful person, a kind heart, and possibly an “earth angel”. Many hugs right back at you, dear Meredith, and thank you for all of your hard work, your support, your guidance, thank you for caring.
Trying to fit in by hiding your true self, I have done this but found the people I wanted to fit with I didn't connect with because we had little in common. We had different interests, different priorities, different values, different points of view, perspectives. I still felt alone and unliked. I no longer yearn to be liked by everyone, but for people that I connect with. I no longer have a need to seek approval or validation from others and have shifted my focus on self validation and authenticity. I like and accept myself as I am, and that's validating. TY Meredith 💗 looking forward to quantum leaps 🙏 Big hugs xx
Some effort is needed to comprehend what has been repressed & suppressed just below the radar; cognitive disonance & reality cometh. -Self worth, self love, self trust and self esteem are more clearly resonating in my life. -Amazing and real. Three times I have listened to this podcast vídeo; now with paper & notes. I am reading the well written Spanish "Journey", rereading the four pillars, the Ebook reads well. It is time for some course work. -TNX Meredith, surviving & healing with open eyes limits, boundaries with a voice now.
Thank you so, so much. I had my therapy yesterday, and I am already looking for that one first abuser, and I believe to be in the second stage already, after oufff, a few years now. This video made my cry, cause now I know there will be this "quantum leap" and I'll be back to my original and beautiful self. I got this!
Wow Thank you so much for speaking on this matter the way you did. It's literally exactly what I needed to hear. My head is extremely messed up and confused. It feels like these are the types in the reality I live. Almost like the entire town plays mind games with me including my family but it's so under the radar someone looking in would more than likely not notice and believe it to b just mental illness. Plus I get dark incoming thoughts and my mind is so messed up from these acts... I literally only trust myself at this point. Even though my family seems supportive. I don't want to think their doing it on purpose. Its like a giant bullying game. Idk what to believe. Thing's move around in the house or just today I noticed a different thermostat and wall in the garage n my mom says "No that's been like that" Its like a group effort to drive me further into insanity. Its time I put myself first. 😔
Thank you so much for this video! The way you explain everything helps me not feel so guilty for going back 8x (and in the process, I lost everything, including my health) 😔 It helps me remember that I need to give myself time to heal, and know that it’s ok to be frustrated and take time to grieve the 9 years of my life where I feel like every good part of myself was killed off.
Thank you so much Meredith! Thanks to your videos I was able to free myself from the abuser and now they help me to learn how to heal myself. It is such an amazing and important work you do and such important wisdom you give the world. Thank you so very much! Also for the great book suggestions! God bless you!
🙂 Wow... Ms. MIller you're providing such helpful and thought out content...this information put forth, as you are presenting it...has emience potential to catapult a individual into a quality life...a life with positiveness ongoing...myself included...thank you for the work your doing to help others....sending a hug back to you 🙂
Im having trouble healing trauma bonds. I went no contact with my abusive mother and it caused even more trauma when my entire family didnt believe me and so abandonned me
Excellent analysis and advice about ending the trauma bond Meredith! You nailed it and clarified all my thoughts too. I'm finally at the beginning of stage 3 and it's been a long time coming. Thank you💕
Thank you 🙏🏻 so much Meredith. I am fighting through the pain by doing ‘mental homework’ and writing my feelings down on paper to externalise them (with the aid of an emotions wheel, available on google.) I have come up with a Battle & Exit plan which involves using some key qualities: vulnerability, humility and self-awareness 🥰 I am British, living in Spain and my manager is my Spanish ex. He has narcissistic tendencies and has actually admitted to covert punishments and having no empathy (made it even more confusing 🤪) Because of the circumstances I am enduring modified contact, for the moment. I will keep searching for a different job in order to execute my Exit plan, go No contact; for the processes of grieving & healing to begin. I thank him for 1 thing; Showing me the weak areas within me that need working on. Recently I seem to embracing more and more moments of serendipity, such as this podcast. Could not have timed this better, if you’d tried!! 👌😘
Mil gracias 😊!! Es increíble !! Todo lo que dices me pasa actualmente en mi vida . Estoy ya pasando por el divorcio , después de haberle dado a mi esposo muchas oportunidades .
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻You are describing adoption, where a baby is obliged to attach to a woman who desires a baby ( any baby will works) to fulfill her frustrated wish of motherhood. Adoption means the burial of the real self of that human being under the adoptee persona, who is fake but constitutes the identity built by adopters and society for that person, but is essentially fake. A high percentage of adopters are narcissist, no surprise the problems adoptees face when grow ups. Thank you for describing the dis adoption process many of us are going through.
I gave up a daughter for adoption 50 years ago. In those days it was considered to be in the best interests of the child. We eventually met and, as I got to know her, I realized how destructive my decision was. I wish you success as you struggle to find your own path.
I fit the 7 time pattern🤦♀️ I escaped. It wasn’t easy but I am free of all that. The only thing I’m still working is in forgiving myself. It is harder than I thought. I feel so stupid for let it happen. I don’t know exactly how I could overcome those feelings.
"This does not mean that the victim is stupid" Thankyou for that. Part of my problem is that I can see the wounded child in my abuser. We have some of the same wounds, but our coping mechanisms are somewhat different in the way that we relate to others. I have a lot of empathy for people. My mother has narcissistic traits but I still love her. I believe that she enjoys seeing me down, or hurt. I need to stop confiding in her, but she's my mother! How sad is that?! How do I change? I really want to change but lasting change seems impossible. How do I resolve my core issues? It all started in my childhood. I believe that in my adult relationships the same dysfunctional patterns are playing out. I really want to heal from this and move forward in a healthy way... but how? How do I form healthy connections with people when toxic abusive relationships are all I know?
I found recently a note I wrote 15 years ago. It was a list with all the things my ex husband was accussing me to be: boring, egoistic, like a valium pill, stubborn, etc etc.... I was laughing now on how ridiculous it was. He described himself, not me!
Meredith, can you speak to visceral/body sickness during trauma bond/narcissistic abuse. Can you actually feel sick to the stomach from trying to heal from the trauma bond?
Meredith, after I completely moved on and now I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend and we want to get marry, the narc sent me a message out of nowhere after another year of no contact. Funny thing is always around October when he comes back. I wonder why? Lol he tried to flirt with me and tried to break my relationship. My boyfriend got really mad I was talking to someone like that who doesn't respect me. I was just thinking he changed so I agree to be his friend, but my boyfriend made me realize his intentions and thankfully I unfriended him and block him lol thankfully I only talked to him for like 3 days 🙄
Watch out for the people who make you believe that *you* are the abuser and they are the victim, when in fact it’s the other way around. They will use all manner of psychological terms and analysis to justify shaming you endlessly for your supposed abuse, which keeps you dependent on them so that they can “fix” you (aka control every aspect of your life and deny all of your feelings on the basis of your inherent “badness”).
Wow Meredith, 'breaking the original trauma bond' I've ruminated upon this for the last 24 hours, I had to go no contact with my abusive mother. I've always felt guilt over this but instinctually I knew I had to do it, but you've intellectually expressed it, which is that it somehow stops the repetition compulsion.. the next time you're drawn to an abusive relationship, it doesn't feel right
Thank you Meredith. I listened to this post at least a dozen times. It explains a lot of that which I’ve gone and am going through. Do you have a transcript? Thank you again!
Hola Mera! Siempre escucho tus videos, me ayudan mucho, y me siento muy comprendida. No se que pasa que los últimos no llegan traducidos al español. Me encantaría si fuese posible. Un abrazo fuerte y gracias
Elle D Her recovery process? Since when a Narc of three most severe types needs recovery? Recovery from what? In their delusional world they are not wrong nor sick. We “The supply” are the ones who are sick/Confuse and out of line. Of course. You fall into their trap and end up worst than sick and confuse. They are masters of deception.
MacKendrew Arts @Mackendrew Arts Thanks for clarification! Couldn’t get the question. By reading my response I can see clear the neural-short circuit of quick response. I love this platform! You ALL keep on partaking in refreshing each other. That which refreshes one, refreshes another.
The biggest piece of healing so far came from reading Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie. I was still buying into all the shame narratives my ex had projected onto me, then reading that it made everything very clear. Totally & utterly shocking, realising my ex is a pathological narcissistic and our entire relationship was a lie. But clear nonetheless.
“It’s no longer attractive to you to keep trying to teach someone to act like a decent human being”
YASSSSSSSSS!!
wow literally..
Exactly!!
i know I'm kinda randomly asking but does anybody know a good website to stream newly released tv shows online ?
@Gavin Gibson Lately I have been using FlixZone. You can find it by googling :)
@Cameron Aries yea, have been watching on flixzone for years myself :D
"...the abuser isn't an asshole all the time..." 😂😂
Meredith, you are priceless!
Watch out for the abusers who tell you straight out they are a bad person. Believe them!!!!
Ciara Grey yes, mine said that, it confused me at first! But then I was like oh, yes, actually you are!
This happened to me also. It was an take notice moment. But it took me two years to get it all together. Ufff.
My abuser told me (twice in the first 2 weeks of the relationship) "be careful of me, I am dangerous"... she was right.
I thought that was mere humbleness...
Mine did tell me many times.
“Its no longer attractive to try to teach someone how to be a decent human being!” Yessss - I’m here now. Finally. Thank you so much. Enjoying your book!!
One year no contact. Time truly heals. Great video
Reign
I found so much perspective after being ghosted by a narc ex-friend. Only in that time was I able to really see that he had actually never done anything for me, and, I believe, did engage in some forms of sabotage in business and other relationships.
Do the work of recovery. Time by itself will not heal. It's what you do with that time.
No, time doesn't heal. You need to do the recovery work if you want truly heal.
@@barbarativvu2023 thank you Barbara for correcting me
@@reboundingfromnarcissistic5386 It wasn't meant to correct you. But I've understood through decades of abuse that you don't heal until you do the recovery work. You have to break the original trauma bond to get fully free. I am finally near to this, but still working on it 💪💪💪
"Going to abusers for help reinforces the trauma bond."
I'm going through cognitive dissonance now. It's torture. I still love him. I still want to be with him and I hope I can get through this soon. Thank you for the tips
I always forgave him! I always said “but he’s good inside” so in that cognitive dissonance state! Thanks to you I see through the illusion!!!
For his actions. I made up more excuses defending him than really seeing the truth. I was wearing the rose colored glasses for a long long time. They are off now and I have moved forward learning, reading and self healing. This was all a lesson to wake me up and I am getting stronger each and every day. I will never let my boundaries fade and let someone manipulate me ever again! I am better than that😬😉
@@lizruvio5642 Well said Liz. :)
Awwww me too. So sad.
I would say not half the blame. I am now aware of npd and I realized how much I idealized him. So with that said... now that I recognize how I was I will change my empathetic ways and own me
Liz Ruvio HE IS A GROWN MAN AND ONE TIME TOO MANY BABY.. SAY NO MORE .. it’s enough with those people
Thank you Meredith for making these available to us. Talk about serendipity, just this morning I prayed for God to break the trauma bond/soul ties and then on a facebook group someone posted this podcast! Hope was renewed and I have a firmer foothold on where I am in the process(working on myself and maintaining limited or no contact) and looking forward to breaking free from my childhood chains and living the life I was meant to and all this at 65 years old! It’s never too late to start! God bless you, Meredith in your work!
I have experienced that transformation ... the Trauma Bond has broken! And sure enough, a test: he emailed from a new, unblocked address. I felt "icky", as you said! 😊 This video is brilliant, exactly on point, and totally affirmative for me! Thank you so much!! Yes it has been hard, painful work... yes it is worth it, and I have more work to do! 💕
Oh boy,.. Did I need that right now! Meridith, you are so clear,.. you pack in so much knowledge & light in a way that evenly flows,. And makes so much sense,. You are truly a healer,.
18 months no contact! I can’t imagine where I would be had I not chosen that path! Listening to your podcasts helps reinforce my choices when my thought meander back to the FOG. 👍🙏
Georgette Carmello
Same here. In my case the person ghosted me, but hearing these messages made it easier and has given me a lot of perspective.
Hello Meredith, good morning to you.Wow ,does this podcast speak to me.It really resonates with me.Sounds like you are talking directly to me.It as if you've just described my life with my wife.I never knew anything about this narcissist topic,and all the stuff that goes along with it. Well I do now, thanks to you and all the others out there talking about this topic. Where were you all ,35 yrs ago.I have been married to my narcissist wife 35yrs now,38 going on 39yrs together.What a fckn rollercoaster ride it was been.You wouldn't believe it all, because I can hardly believe it all. It's Really hard to understand how someone can pretend to be so nice, and yet be so cold hearted ,so cruel,so mean,so evil and carry on like nothing has happened between us, pretending that everything is alright,when they know that everything is not alright.Well I know now that nothing has ever been right between us. My wife is definitely a covert narcissist and an alcoholic besides which doesn't help matters.I know now that she is a really sick person. I don't drink alcohol and have been sober for many years now.I have also never cheated on her.She has cheated on me so many times you wouldn't believe it
One night stands threesomes,gangbangs.She is a serial cheater. I wonder what made her this way,what happened to her. Well enough for now. I will continue listening to your podcasts ,for they are very helpful to me, gaining insight and knowledge.I sure wish I would've found out sooner. Hey Meredith thanks again for all your help.You take care and keep up the good work.Till next time,so long from northern minnesota. Lots of love to you and all.
Meredith I just listened to this podcast again and it reminded me of what I an important person you are in the world of narcissistic abuse recovery. In 2017 and 2018 when I became more and more aware of the reality of the abusive relationship I was in you were there with me through your TH-cam videos. Helping me to think more clearly and to gain the strength to break away from this debilitating yet powerful bond. You were a lifesaver to me and continue to be for many others. It has been over two years since the final break away and no contact. Today my life is peaceful and productive. Better than ever actually. Although what I went through was devastating on many many levels it was also at the same time an awakening. I was blind to my own instinctive behavior patterns that led me to this toxic place. I am in such a better place in part thanks to your wise coaching.
Thank you. You're validating the healing and the change happening in my life. 4 years of healing are going somewhere, slowly and the tears and dedication are paying off. Beyond grateful ♡
Thank you. I have spent my entire adult life trying to break free from my mom, always thinking that I was awful for wanting to leave her. I now know that I was instinctually distancing myself from her and then she broke her ankle and she moved in so that I could take care of her, due to her shit storm, she stayed with us for two years, leaving 1.5 years ago when I chose to set boundaries. I recently decided to cut ties with my mom, FREEDOM! I decided that I would sit down and write an 'exit letter', not for my Mom, but as an explanation to family/friends that I felt might need a full explanation. I've only actually sent it to one person, my uncle/her brother, and he's been supportive. Honestly, just writing the 'exit letter' gave me peace . . .
This will likely be difficult for you to understand and process, but I feel it's something that I need to explain to you . . .
I have been struggling with my mom my entire life and I've always thought it was my fault for being 'too difficult' 'too stubborn' 'too willful' . . . but it's not me, it's my mom.
I've allowed her to treat me this way, I've fought her controlling ways, but she always guilts or manipulates me into giving in to her demands. But after watching the deplorable way she treated/treats Tony, (the person I love, the person who I've shared 18 years of my life with and possibly the only person I've ever trusted), I decided to do some soul searching and have concluded that I'm done with the 'relationship'. Hard, I know, but this is how it must be for me to survive.
No Contact
First off, this is not a decision that I came to lightly, I anguished over it, I dove deep and educated myself, I have exhausted all other avenues and I can assure you, this is NOT something I am doing to 'punish' or hurt my mom. I did not make this decision following a fight or out of anger, the last time we were together it was actually quite pleasant. I am not looking for an apology from her, that bridge has long since burned. I have given myself permission to end this cycle of abuse. I am broken, but I am capable of mending. And I hope after reading this, you will be able to respect my decision.
A few weeks ago my mom started plaguing my mind, constant nagging thoughts, dread and anxiety; and I realized that it had been quite awhile since I had texted her; one of my closest friends, Deb, had passed away suddenly and I had been processing my pain, emptiness, and loss; so I grabbed my phone to shoot off a text, "hey, love you, hope you're doing well . . . . . " and I noticed that the last text exchange we had had was telling her that I needed to cancel our plans that week, my friend Deb had passed away . . . Her response was, 'ok, she was a good friend to you. Take care. Give my love to her family.' . . . and then nothing . . . No messages. No inquiries into how I was coping. Nothing. Silence. And apparently I was ok with that, because I hadn't noticed. And even when I did notice, my only thought was ‘that’s just how mom is.’ . . . That's NOT normal.
I chose not to text her and instead decided to research what could be causing the silent treatment, and WOW, I did not expect to SUDDENLY be hit with the realization that my mom is, very likely, an undiagnosed covert narcissist and I was being punished for cancelling our plans. It suddenly hit me that all of this was a regular cycle . . . I was constantly disappointing her and in turn she was freezing me out . . . MIND FUCKING BLOWN. And down the rabbit hole I went . . .
The MOMENT I truly believed that my mom was a covert (introverted) narcissist, the veil DROPPED and my brain flooded me with a lifetime of repressed memories and moments in time where I was lost, confused, anguish filled and alone. WOW. . . . Wow. Emotional mess. Shattered.
The first thing I did was educate myself on narcissism, but more specifically, covert narcissistic mothers . . . and . . . well . . . YIKES.
I had no control over this, I was born into this dysfunctional, unstable, chaotic nightmare. I was 'trained' to cater to my moms every wish and desire, and if I didn't, I was punished, and we're not talking about a five minute time out, she would full on ice me out for weeks . . . or however long it took me to 'please' her and gain forgiveness, . . . jumping through her imaginary hoops. But I have to admit, icing me out was WAY BETTER than being the target of one of her meltdowns! I'm 48 years old and still terrified of her meltdowns, they're sudden, venomous and seem to come out of nowhere . . . they left me powerless, frightened, confused, and alone. Every. Single. Time.
I learned quite quickly that I needed to stay in line for my best chance at avoiding one of her meltdowns. I was never at ease, I was always watching and waiting for the next attack. Trained.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a reoccurring thought, 'it's not my fault I was born.' . . . and those thoughts were always following an interaction with my mom. Broken-down.
I have always felt horrible for feeling that I don't like my mom, that I wished I could avoid her at all cost. She wears a fantastic mask in public and I've played right along . . . because that's how I was trained. I absolutely detested playing that role, but it was a small price to pay to keep the 'peace'. I don't remember a time that I didn't spiral at the thought of spending time with her. I have an irrational fear of her calls and texts. I've always been uncomfortable around her. And yet, I would chase after her in hopes that one day she'd love me. Shame.
I now recognize her pattern of abuse. And I know that my mom coming to live with us for those two, anxiety ridden, years, was actually the stepping stone I needed to get to a healthy and fulfilling future. Had it not been for that living arrangement, I might not have been able to see the truth and stop the cycle. Empowerment.
I don’t hate my mom, she's my mom and I love her. I truly believe she has a mental disorder that she’s been struggling with her entire life . . . and it’s undiagnosed, so she might not even know. I feel sorry and sad for her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will never see or speak to her again. Understanding.
This has not been easy for me, never would I have imagined that I would remove myself from my closest family, but here I am. I have spent my entire life chasing after and seeking the approval of someone who doesn't care and now I'm choosing to focus all that time and energy on bettering myself.
If you have questions, please educate yourself on NPD (TH-cam has a wealth of information) and reflect on your own personal experiences with my mom. I also ask that you respect my decision and don't try to convince me otherwise . . . I've lost far too much time doing that to myself, only to be wounded much more deeply.
I am free.
If this was the only video out there on Narc abuse..it would be enough! Every freaking word warrioress goddess of truth...so love you...and now I am in the thriver stage....never felt better...you are precious to us all...huge hug sweetheart. .💖💜💖
The best and clearest explanation of this internal conflict that I have ever heard. xoxo
yes the helplessness part ! please
make more videos about it
This is SO on point! Changing my focus from him to myself opened the door to the real healing process. I’m still in the beginning and I still don’t know what I want, but I can rest temporarily knowing I need space to figure it out.
"It's no longer attractive to you to teach someone how to act like a decent human being" 💎💎💎
This was one of the best podcasts I listened to recently. In fact, I think your work is getting better and better Meredith, and I can say that because I have been following your videos for years. Congratulations, you are an exceptional professional and I totally enjoy listening to you.
Cristina Magurean
agreed. i almost completely stopped listening early on bc Meredith would say "right" at the end of a lot of sentences, but there was something in the substance of the mssg that made me want to hear some more.
I agree... I wish you were around years ago when I was sooooo confused.. i'm sure you understand... it's a lot to decipher and figure out.
Dr. DJ.DEB.USA, & DJ.DEB.USA, SUPERLAWYERS SUPERMODELS AND LEGAL ADVOCATES JUSTICE ANGELS AND BJC BEHAVIORAL HEALTH MANDATED ABUSE & PREDATOR 👿😈😈🤯🤮🤢 WILL REPORT TO CITY ,STATE , FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENTS AND TEAMS NOW 24/7 ALL INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS STL-TODAY POST-DISPATCH INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS DATA...9/28/2020
There are no words. Thank you so much.
This is SO chock full of critical information - should be a must-hear for anyone suffering at the hands of an emotional abuser. Top notch content, thank you!
Hi Meredith! Love hearing you informative help to us get through this!!! Your an angel
That's so true, once you've broken the trauma-bond, any kind of abuse is repulsive. Once you've become free, you're no longer able to tolerate abuse, you're unable to justify it, minimize it or sugar coat it, because now the veil is gone that prevented you from seeing clearly and you recognize the dispicable act of abuse for what it is.
What beats me is the fact that even though I've distanced myself from abusers and no longer react to their shinanigans the way they intended me to react, they still insist on trying to convince me that I am the defunctional crazy one. This inability to accept that I'm no longer under their spell, and that no matter what they do, they can no longer affect and influence me, and that every one of their attacks is backfiring, proves that they're terribly mentally deranged.
And isnt there some fun in that? Finally!!!
@Elle D no matter whom they're able to convince of their lies, there's no hiding from the reality of who they really are, what they've done and their unproductive miserable existance.
I was diagnosed with this after Leaving a Cult and Having a controlling husband two years ago and You just Wokw me up to what cognitive Distance Really is, It took me awhile to really get it. Thank you for your Video's
What an amazing eye opening podcast! Thank you Meredith
That was so clear and so concise. Thank you so much. Ive been struggling with Stockholm syndrome for 20 years and am currently in a repeat cycle I am trying to find the courage to see the truth why I keep going back and staying miserable.
Its maddening and frustrating! Love /hate/love/ hate. I feel like Im in a tug o war with my mind and heart. Sending you strength and healing prayers 🙏
Wow, it's been almost a decade since my breakup and I happened to listen to this and didn't realize that all these years I stored the 'good times' as actual good times and let the bad times and disrespect outweigh the good and justify the break up without realizing that the 'good times' weren't actually 'good' or at least TRUE and real this whole time! (I really wanted to believe they were! tough realization here). Thank you for this realization. It's huge! And as for giving them a name.. did that years ago and it permanently stuck as 'my crazy psycho ex boyfriend.' Thanks for your work.. I'm sharing it with others now going through their own trauma bonding experience. So much thanks!
I was drawn to this because I recently went through a break up with a narcissist girlfriend. I was shocked when I realized I didn't see those flags or believe they could be real flags (since it was just a simple friendship)... so happy to complete these steps after all of these years!
If you keeping getting help from abusive people you are only strengthening the trauma bound.I wish I had this 2 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache
Beautifully written. So so talented. Thank you.
I am struggling with being stuck in isolation... being afraid of everyone in case of running into abuse again but somehow I will break free from this. Thank you Meredith Miller you are a life saver. You're helping me heal little by little. I can't wait to order your book.
Thanks for the insight! 🙏🏼 very valuable information to know where we are in this quest. I pray that your dream comes true “ For all of us going through the struggles of being played by a Narc get the proper recovery and not to be stuck for long”
Can’t thank you enough. I’ve read your book and listened to your vids for past couple of years. It’s quite the journey. The transformation is amazing.
i admit im going through cognitive dissonance, especially at night or when im physically tired, i get the urge to make it back to him and make it work, but i’ve done it so many times and again nothing changes.
Meredith is such an eloquent speaker, I could listen to her nonstop even if the topic was how to boil the perfect hard boiled eggs. She should be a professor at Harvard or any other Ivy League schools. She is a beautiful person, a kind heart, and possibly an “earth angel”. Many hugs right back at you, dear Meredith, and thank you for all of your hard work, your support, your guidance, thank you for caring.
Trying to fit in by hiding your true self,
I have done this but found the people I wanted to fit with I didn't connect with because we had little in common. We had different interests, different priorities, different values, different points of view, perspectives. I still felt alone and unliked. I no longer yearn to be liked by everyone, but for people that I connect with.
I no longer have a need to seek approval or validation from others and have shifted my focus on self validation and authenticity. I like and accept myself as I am, and that's validating.
TY Meredith 💗 looking forward to quantum leaps 🙏
Big hugs xx
This was very helpful, Meredith. Thank you.
Some effort is needed to comprehend what has been repressed & suppressed just below the radar; cognitive disonance & reality cometh.
-Self worth, self love, self trust and self esteem are more clearly resonating in my life.
-Amazing and real.
Three times I have listened to this podcast vídeo; now with paper & notes. I am reading the well written Spanish "Journey", rereading the four pillars, the Ebook reads well. It is time for some course work.
-TNX Meredith, surviving & healing with open eyes limits, boundaries with a voice now.
Thank you so, so much. I had my therapy yesterday, and I am already looking for that one first abuser, and I believe to be in the second stage already, after oufff, a few years now.
This video made my cry, cause now I know there will be this "quantum leap" and I'll be back to my original and beautiful self. I got this!
Wow
Thank you so much for speaking on this matter the way you did. It's literally exactly what I needed to hear. My head is extremely messed up and confused.
It feels like these are the types in the reality I live. Almost like the entire town plays mind games with me including my family but it's so under the radar someone looking in would more than likely not notice and believe it to b just mental illness. Plus I get dark incoming thoughts and my mind is so messed up from these acts... I literally only trust myself at this point. Even though my family seems supportive. I don't want to think their doing it on purpose. Its like a giant bullying game. Idk what to believe. Thing's move around in the house or just today I noticed a different thermostat and wall in the garage n my mom says
"No that's been like that" Its like a group effort to drive me further into insanity. Its time I put myself first. 😔
Thank you!!!! You just validated and changed the course of my life...THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!
Thank you so much for this video! The way you explain everything helps me not feel so guilty for going back 8x (and in the process, I lost everything, including my health) 😔 It helps me remember that I need to give myself time to heal, and know that it’s ok to be frustrated and take time to grieve the 9 years of my life where I feel like every good part of myself was killed off.
I appreciate how you explained this information....very effective. Thank you!!!
Thank you so much Meredith! Thanks to your videos I was able to free myself from the abuser and now they help me to learn how to heal myself. It is such an amazing and important work you do and such important wisdom you give the world. Thank you so very much! Also for the great book suggestions! God bless you!
thank you, i’ve got a long road ahead.
It's so worth it!
Amazing podcast Meredith! Thank you so much!
🙂 Wow... Ms. MIller you're providing such helpful and thought out content...this information put forth, as you are presenting it...has emience potential to catapult a individual into a quality life...a life with positiveness ongoing...myself included...thank you for the work your doing to help others....sending a hug back to you 🙂
Im having trouble healing trauma bonds. I went no contact with my abusive mother and it caused even more trauma when my entire family didnt believe me and so abandonned me
This is such an informative post with such precise information.
Excellent analysis and advice about ending the trauma bond Meredith! You nailed it and clarified all my thoughts too. I'm finally at the beginning of stage 3 and it's been a long time coming. Thank you💕
I’m so thankful for your videos.
It is really true and good information, I have seen my own mother suffered in the hands of my narcissistic father.
Brilliant!! Thank you so incredibly much, Meredith!!!
This video is so important, made of rare jewels and priceless treasures
Thank you 🙏🏻 so much Meredith.
I am fighting through the pain by doing ‘mental homework’ and writing my feelings down on paper to externalise them (with the aid of an emotions wheel, available on google.) I have come up with a Battle & Exit plan which involves using some key qualities: vulnerability, humility and self-awareness 🥰
I am British, living in Spain and my manager is my Spanish ex. He has narcissistic tendencies and has actually admitted to covert punishments and having no empathy (made it even more confusing 🤪)
Because of the circumstances I am enduring modified contact, for the moment. I will keep searching for a different job in order to execute my Exit plan, go No contact; for the processes of grieving & healing to begin.
I thank him for 1 thing; Showing me the weak areas within me that need working on.
Recently I seem to embracing more and more moments of serendipity, such as this podcast. Could not have timed this better, if you’d tried!! 👌😘
th-cam.com/video/rdtx-pxjX8A/w-d-xo.html
great video, clear and concise. Thank you.
What a reassuring explanation of the process, and so clear too. Thank you! 😊
Excellence at its finest. ♥️
Your best one so far I heard. Captures all key phases so well
Brilliant! Thankyou! I am finally repulsed. What a journey. Sending love and gratitude for your work.
Thankyou that was so interesting and informative, and I can see which stage I am at and how to move on
You’re absolutely amazing! Thank you!
Mil gracias 😊!! Es increíble !! Todo lo que dices me pasa actualmente en mi vida . Estoy ya pasando por el divorcio , después de haberle dado a mi esposo muchas oportunidades .
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻You are describing adoption, where a baby is obliged to attach to a woman who desires a baby ( any baby will works) to fulfill her frustrated wish of motherhood. Adoption means the burial of the real self of that human being under the adoptee persona, who is fake but constitutes the identity built by adopters and society for that person, but is essentially fake. A high percentage of adopters are narcissist, no surprise the problems adoptees face when grow ups. Thank you for describing the dis adoption process many of us are going through.
I gave up a daughter for adoption 50 years ago. In those days it was considered to be in the best interests of the child. We eventually met and, as I got to know her, I realized how destructive my decision was. I wish you success as you struggle to find your own path.
This was THE BEST!
I was trauma bonded to my family members for sure. It was a game of roulette and I might get a nice person that day or not.
Love listening to you, Meredith ❤️ You’re such an inspiration!
Lol I was just rewatching vids on trauma bond last night, yours included...Love ur videos💗...
I fit the 7 time pattern🤦♀️ I escaped. It wasn’t easy but I am free of all that. The only thing I’m still working is in forgiving myself. It is harder than I thought. I feel so stupid for let it happen. I don’t know exactly how I could overcome those feelings.
I started innerChild work! I'm also doing the work to break the cognitive dissonance!
This was such a good podcast! I took notes the whole way through
"This does not mean that the victim is stupid" Thankyou for that. Part of my problem is that I can see the wounded child in my abuser. We have some of the same wounds, but our coping mechanisms are somewhat different in the way that we relate to others. I have a lot of empathy for people. My mother has narcissistic traits but I still love her. I believe that she enjoys seeing me down, or hurt. I need to stop confiding in her, but she's my mother! How sad is that?! How do I change? I really want to change but lasting change seems impossible. How do I resolve my core issues? It all started in my childhood. I believe that in my adult relationships the same dysfunctional patterns are playing out. I really want to heal from this and move forward in a healthy way... but how? How do I form healthy connections with people when toxic abusive relationships are all I know?
Concise and heartbreakingly true. 🌹
25:00--26:08 was medicine to me for today. Thank you so much!
I have had my list for many months now...I read it at least once a week
I found recently a note I wrote 15 years ago. It was a list with all the things my ex husband was accussing me to be: boring, egoistic, like a valium pill, stubborn, etc etc.... I was laughing now on how ridiculous it was. He described himself, not me!
Meredith, can you speak to visceral/body sickness during trauma bond/narcissistic abuse. Can you actually feel sick to the stomach from trying to heal from the trauma bond?
❤️ love how you break it down lady! Awesome
Thank you so much this video is so valuable 🙏🙏
Meredith, after I completely moved on and now I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend and we want to get marry, the narc sent me a message out of nowhere after another year of no contact. Funny thing is always around October when he comes back. I wonder why? Lol he tried to flirt with me and tried to break my relationship. My boyfriend got really mad I was talking to someone like that who doesn't respect me. I was just thinking he changed so I agree to be his friend, but my boyfriend made me realize his intentions and thankfully I unfriended him and block him lol thankfully I only talked to him for like 3 days 🙄
Thank you for these podcasts!
A sober list... really like that idea... thanks
Watch out for the people who make you believe that *you* are the abuser and they are the victim, when in fact it’s the other way around. They will use all manner of psychological terms and analysis to justify shaming you endlessly for your supposed abuse, which keeps you dependent on them so that they can “fix” you (aka control every aspect of your life and deny all of your feelings on the basis of your inherent “badness”).
Wow Meredith, 'breaking the original trauma bond' I've ruminated upon this for the last 24 hours, I had to go no contact with my abusive mother. I've always felt guilt over this but instinctually I knew I had to do it, but you've intellectually expressed it, which is that it somehow stops the repetition compulsion.. the next time you're drawn to an abusive relationship, it doesn't feel right
You are beautiful; inside and out. Thank you for all you share with us. ❤️
I need this tonight for landlady bully & ex before her. Yes I need to leave landlady asap ! Wow ! I'm lucid, but I see that trying 2 go back.
Thank you Meredith..
Thanks for the VIDEOS 👍❣️😀🤩🤗😘 THANKS FOR THE VIDEOS XOXO 😘 LOVE YOU TOO
So great, Meredith . . .
Thank you Meredith.
I listened to this post at least a dozen times. It explains a lot of that which I’ve gone and am going through.
Do you have a transcript?
Thank you again!
Thank you!
This helped me a lot...
It’s freeing to know I don’t have to make excuses for ppls actions.
Hola Mera! Siempre escucho tus videos, me ayudan mucho, y me siento muy comprendida. No se que pasa que los últimos no llegan traducidos al español. Me encantaría si fuese posible. Un abrazo fuerte y gracias
Es que estos son extraídos de mi podcast en inglés. Voy a lanzar el podcast en español en el 2020.
I am having a terrible hard time forgiving her disgusting ways. They are definitely very poisonous.
Elle D Her recovery process? Since when a Narc of three most severe types needs recovery? Recovery from what? In their delusional world they are not wrong nor sick. We “The supply” are the ones who are sick/Confuse and out of line. Of course. You fall into their trap and end up worst than sick and confuse. They are masters of deception.
MacKendrew Arts @Mackendrew Arts Thanks for clarification! Couldn’t get the question. By reading my response I can see clear the neural-short circuit of quick response. I love this platform! You ALL keep on partaking in refreshing each other. That which refreshes one, refreshes another.
Elle D Thanks 🙏🏼 Now I get your point! Food for the brain 🧠 indeed
Makayla Hollywood Thanks for the tip. In which way it helped you?
Makayla Hollywood Lovely ! Thanks so much for taking the time. I will definitely put this book on my arsenal. Be blessed
EXCELLENT!
Dear Meredith, when you say the victim is back with the abuser on average 7 times, do you mean 7 out of 10? You and your team are such a blessing ❤
The biggest piece of healing so far came from reading Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie. I was still buying into all the shame narratives my ex had projected onto me, then reading that it made everything very clear. Totally & utterly shocking, realising my ex is a pathological narcissistic and our entire relationship was a lie. But clear nonetheless.
Muchas gracias!! Muy amable por contestarme