1) narcissists have a very subtle way of putting you down and making you feel very small. They don’t respect you. You end up feeling like you need to justify yourself 2) they violate your boundaries 3) at this point your boundaries have been violated. Survivors need to learn to stick to their boundaries more 4) yes. It is a very strong feeling of not being enough and being judged. This hits the wounded inner child making them feel they always have to please 5) narcissists never see you, they only see what they am object to use in a person Another to add: the complete panicked feeling you feel in your whole body. Almost like butterflies. It sometimes makes women feel those butterflies are a good thing. Beware of the butterflies. Also you need to meditate a lot to keep your peace in the face of all of these. I would say, have a PLAN before having to deal with a narcissist, know the words you are going to say and stick firmly to it. Don’t let them: cross boundaries, ask prying questions, when they make demeaning comments even subtle comments, ignore it.
Spot on. Narcissistic people have a way of making us feel less important than they are. We have to give up our friends…and ONLY hang around with people the narcissist chooses. We are pressured to give up our hobbies…and again, replace them with things of the narcissists choosing. We can not simply be ourselves, because narcissists are super critical, and without even saying a word…are very good at shooting looks which make you feel embarrassed at almost everything you say or do, in public and even more-so in private. And let’s be real…the only reason we would feel that we can not be ourselves when around certain people…is because THEY are not being ‘themselves’…and it creates a tension that equates to an unspoken need to ‘walk around on eggshells’ and be compliant whenever we are in their company. Red flags galore. 🚩🚩🚩
Yes girl!! They don't respect your boundaries and will try pull you over to their side.... at that point it's up to you to decide that you won't let them. It's give and take... not give and give more and give more. Accept them as they are, or WALK AWAY...
True. I feel your right, because as I think about this, with what you said... The narcissist is very manipulative, and as they push your boundaries... you later realize they got everything THEY WANTED (or many/most things they wanted) and your boundaries became a non deal in their minds. When we walk away, we may not even realize what happened until later that all, or some of our boundaries were violated because the narcissist was so slick. Thus we realize we had fallen into a SPELL of cognitive dissonance. These people are SO EVIL and slick, I really don't like even being around them! Thanks for your video here. It really got me thinking about things. 👍🏻🙂♥️
I felt judged and was walking on eggshells even though he was nice to me.✔️ Agreeing to things I said no to initially.✔️ Feeling anxious around him. Constantly feeling like something is wrong with me and doubting myself alot. I always felt like I am the crazy one. He always played victim. He always told me I am hurting him but refuses to leave me or break up. After finally leaving him I realised I was the victim the whole time and he was projecting himself on me. It's all so fucked up. I am so shocked that I stayed connected with such person. I feel like I need serious help now. It's scary how my behaviour just changes.. I just wanna find a way to be my authentic self no matter who is around. Make a video on that too please. This video was helpful.
I felt the SAme way, I think now that it’s not as much about being the same person around everyone, it’s about choosing to be around the people who make you feel like yourself. It’s okay if you need to become different in little ways throughout your day, everyone does this I promise it’s not a bad thing and it’s not manipulative. It’s okay to save yourself for the right people, your body is just done having to defend itself, done forcing itself to be strong all the time. And I think that’s actually a good thing and a sign of maturity. Good luck to you❤️
Don’t judge yourself so much about being “different” around a narcissist. They are predators and they have hunted, sought you out to supply their ego and will TAKE what they want. You wouldn’t judge yourself for someone learning your passwords and hacking/breaking into your laptop or house. They are thieves. It is a traumatic experience for someone to go through this. The problem with narcissists is they look for houses that are easy to break into-many times survivors of narcs are vulnerable because they have a wounded inner child who feels like they are never enough and need to please others to get attention and affection and who falls into codependence. Maybe it’s from a past narcissistic person when you were growing up. Heal this inner child. Learn about codependence and how to heal it and never be an easy house for a narcissist to break into again, but don’t judge yourself, because they will try to break everyone around. But they single out prey like a serial killer does. Be on the lookout and be careful now that we have learned about these predators.
I feel tense and anxious around a narcissist. I go inside myself and become silent, carefully measuring my words before I speak. And my Adhd becmes worse
This space desperately needs more of this redirecting to our own experiences within our body rather than the narc's traits. Or in compliment to it. But this is the most important part! And it gets lost in noise about how to focus about learning about the label rather than focus on responding appropriately to the vibe based not on them, but on our own feelings!
Every single point hit home so hard, this video is so helpful that I downloaded it for recaps in future. This is how I felt throughout my most recent relationship, it lasted all of three months but the amount of damage I sustained far exceeded any from longer relationships.
oh my goodness this was SO HELPFUL i know alot about Narcissm Ive studied it for years but I just met a couple that didnt feel right to me and all of the things you just said I can totally relate to them. The whole saying no only to say yes after the fact is exactly what just happened. I needed this confirmation thank you!!
I very much appreciate your analysis on those subtle body signals when meeting a narcissist! They add beautifully to a few warning signs I have recently discovered that my body sends me when I am with a person with strong narcissistic traits: 1: I somehow feel twisted inside, even physically twisted (as if I was trying to adapt to that person's reality, trying to suppress my own). 2: I can hardly look this person in the eye (if I did look this person in the eye, I would no longer be able to pretend to fit into that person’s reality - and revealing that I am not actually compatible with that person's reality kind of feels so threatening that it is not an option). 3: My head feels very narrow and kind of blank, in such a way that I can no longer think clearly and/or feel myself and my own needs (my mind feels like it's in fight or flight mode), and I risk falling into some sort of a paralysis mode (just doing what that person claims to be right). For most of my life I thought I was dysfunctional and complicated, reacting in such a way to certain people (amongst others to one person in my immediate family surrounding). But no, I've come to realise that these reactions are extremely healthy warning signs aiming at protecting my integrity. So good!
I needed to hear #3 & #4 so much right now.....I thought this was only happening to me, You described perfectly behavior I have been experiencing. Thank YOU. I a not crazy!
Yes, absolutely right! I recognize these feelings I had for a whole year. I broke the relation with that family I was renting a room from, and I moved :)
Thank you for putting the feelings into words. Absolutely spot on. There are probably many more nuanced feelings that we chose to ignore. The work is on us to figure this out. Do that, and these personality types melt away from our lives
soo true. very good explained. thank you for the video. there are three more things that I experienced: no one it's the feeling of losing your capabilities in a way - mentally and physically. like you are no longer able to do certain things or thinkings you are normal capable to do. it is like an alien took over and is limiting you. no two is, it feels like you re next to a black hole that sucks off all your energy and you are exhausted. no matter what you do, anything positive will be sucked up. no three: you turn into a person that is getting "harder" in order to survive the company, as if you constantly have to stand up for yourself instead of just being yourself.
Coercing you to change your personality, interests and dress sense by going into a rage to belittle and ridicule you - a character assassination. I was accused of being an illiterate shallow, superficial and pretentious person who uses books as a throw-down and who dresses like a student to attract women. Essentially calling me a player even though I had not cheated or even looked at another woman. I'm a loyal and monogamous person who just could not even dare. It turns out she was seeing three other guys - she was projecting her infidelity. The real problem was she wanted to keep me down (not to do a BA Degree and then MA in economics), this is a narcissist and psychopath trait. In a normal relationship, both partners would encourage each other to better themselves or celebrate each others achievements.
Thanks for making this excellent video, I've subscribed. You've done a great job putting into words the strange feelings we get around Narcissists, which are difficult to pin down. I found your channel through the excellent 'Surviving Narcissists and Psychopaths' documentary, which I will recommend to people who don't understand Narcissistic Abuse. I too found it hard to look into the ex Narcissist's eyes at the beginning of the relationship, they had a hypnotic quality. I'd also get anxiety in my stomach when he was around, particularly in response to his toothy smile. I used to feel slight revulsion and unease, which I'd then feel guilty about. Unfortunately I just put it down to nerves and butterflies - he was the first person I'd dated after the breakdown of a long-term relationship with a healthy man and I was completely naïve as to what cluster B personality disorders were.
Thank you so much! I’m very proud of you, that you are able to help others through what you’ve experienced and because you experienced it, your words have such a profound meaning and it is right on. Thank you also for your warmth and smile!
I don’t know if I can put fully into words but I get a sinking feeling like I’m going to be physically ill in some way. My “stomach drops” kind of feeling. Maybe overwhelming dread is better. But it’s some horrific sense of flight, not fight that I get. Maybe not everyone gets that but my mother is my abuser and I’m an adult who still hears her voice in my head from time to time.
Very helpful, Aletta. You've brought us something unique by focusing on what the victim feels rather than what the narcissist does. In my study journey, apart from learning a lot from Dr. Ramani Durvasula (her book "It's Not You" is a masterpiece), Dr. Les Carter, and survivor Danish Bashir, I recommend the videos on the channel of a diagnosed narcissist, Lee Hammock. Do you know him, Aletta? It was interesting for me to see the narcissist's point of view for one main reason: He explains to us that, having narcissistic personality disorder, he KNOWS exactly what he's doing to his victims; he just can't control it (he's in therapy for it). What difference does it make for us, as victims, to know that? It made a huge difference to me because we tend to see narcissists only as sick people who don't know what they're doing. Many of us empaths even feel sorry for their childhood and sorry that they have the disorder. But when I learned this truth - THEY KNOW THEY'RE DOING US BAD - it changed everything for my tendency to forgive them many times. And what proves that they know? They behave one way in public and another way behind closed doors. Stay strong, people. And thank you, Aletta.
It was helpful and thank you for your message. I hung around a group of women this summer and you mentioned feeling small. I was able to recognize that trait in a member of the group who kept wanting to drag me into gossip. I do have a question, does your enrrgy body ever feel pummeled or beaten up around them? Mine has in several situations. I am wondering if it correlate ls with being around a narcissist.
Yes, this could be one of those subtle warning signs. It felt to me as if a shadow was falling over me, making me feel drained. But I’m sure everyone has their own interpretation of how it feels for them. It may not answer the question if this person is a narcissist alltogether, but to me this always answers the question if this person is for me.
My body sign seems to be anxiety!! I meet these people and I try to be open minded.. my body and mind : No.. we know Me: what?? What do u know ?? My body: we know.. And then next time again.. i try givin benefit of doubt.. Realizing that person reminds me or earlier narc. And the anxiety is just off the roof
What about girlfriends who always want you to eat what they want from the menu? Every time I go out - my friend says “ let’s share this or that” Even that I say I don’t want it or like it. Somehow she will always pressure me into it because I’m too nice to say no 😢
That’s a slippery slope.. if you look at where it leads.. you’ll find it easier to say no. It’s controlling behaviour. Is she trying to save herself money?
I know narcissism is world wide and can happen to anyone, I just split friendship from a beautiful Dutch woman from den haag, I'm English live in England while I was looking into this as I had many red flags and lots of abuse from her I came across the abuse documentary which obviously was a Dutch production, coincidence could be but is there any cultural discrepancies that produce more or less, she was very aggressive verbally blackmail threats etc I would appreciate a reply if you read this
@@tonyconnor5691 Hi Tony, sorry to hear you’ve had this experience. Although Dutch people can be direct and sometimes people find the Dutch ‘g’ sounding harsh, things like blackmail, threats or being agressive is not a cultural thing. It is simply rude and not ok. Even in The Netherlands ;)
1) narcissists have a very subtle way of putting you down and making you feel very small. They don’t respect you. You end up feeling like you need to justify yourself
2) they violate your boundaries
3) at this point your boundaries have been violated. Survivors need to learn to stick to their boundaries more
4) yes. It is a very strong feeling of not being enough and being judged. This hits the wounded inner child making them feel they always have to please
5) narcissists never see you, they only see what they am object to use in a person
Another to add: the complete panicked feeling you feel in your whole body. Almost like butterflies. It sometimes makes women feel those butterflies are a good thing. Beware of the butterflies. Also you need to meditate a lot to keep your peace in the face of all of these.
I would say, have a PLAN before having to deal with a narcissist, know the words you are going to say and stick firmly to it. Don’t let them: cross boundaries, ask prying questions, when they make demeaning comments even subtle comments, ignore it.
Spot on. Narcissistic people have a way of making us feel less important than they are. We have to give up our friends…and ONLY hang around with people the narcissist chooses. We are pressured to give up our hobbies…and again, replace them with things of the narcissists choosing. We can not simply be ourselves, because narcissists are super critical, and without even saying a word…are very good at shooting looks which make you feel embarrassed at almost everything you say or do, in public and even more-so in private. And let’s be real…the only reason we would feel that we can not be ourselves when around certain people…is because THEY are not being ‘themselves’…and it creates a tension that equates to an unspoken need to ‘walk around on eggshells’ and be compliant whenever we are in their company. Red flags galore. 🚩🚩🚩
Yes girl!! They don't respect your boundaries and will try pull you over to their side.... at that point it's up to you to decide that you won't let them. It's give and take... not give and give more and give more. Accept them as they are, or WALK AWAY...
True.
I feel your right, because as I think about this, with what you said... The narcissist is very manipulative, and as they push your boundaries... you later realize they got everything THEY WANTED (or many/most things they wanted) and your boundaries became a non deal in their minds.
When we walk away, we may not even realize what happened until later that all, or some of our boundaries were violated because the narcissist was so slick. Thus we realize we had fallen into a SPELL of cognitive dissonance.
These people are SO EVIL and slick, I really don't like even being around them!
Thanks for your video here. It really got me thinking about things.
👍🏻🙂♥️
I felt judged and was walking on eggshells even though he was nice to me.✔️
Agreeing to things I said no to initially.✔️
Feeling anxious around him.
Constantly feeling like something is wrong with me and doubting myself alot.
I always felt like I am the crazy one.
He always played victim. He always told me I am hurting him but refuses to leave me or break up.
After finally leaving him I realised I was the victim the whole time and he was projecting himself on me. It's all so fucked up. I am so shocked that I stayed connected with such person. I feel like I need serious help now.
It's scary how my behaviour just changes..
I just wanna find a way to be my authentic self no matter who is around. Make a video on that too please. This video was helpful.
How are you doing now? Has your life improved?
I felt the SAme way, I think now that it’s not as much about being the same person around everyone, it’s about choosing to be around the people who make you feel like yourself. It’s okay if you need to become different in little ways throughout your day, everyone does this I promise it’s not a bad thing and it’s not manipulative. It’s okay to save yourself for the right people, your body is just done having to defend itself, done forcing itself to be strong all the time. And I think that’s actually a good thing and a sign of maturity. Good luck to you❤️
Don’t judge yourself so much about being “different” around a narcissist. They are predators and they have hunted, sought you out to supply their ego and will TAKE what they want. You wouldn’t judge yourself for someone learning your passwords and hacking/breaking into your laptop or house. They are thieves. It is a traumatic experience for someone to go through this. The problem with narcissists is they look for houses that are easy to break into-many times survivors of narcs are vulnerable because they have a wounded inner child who feels like they are never enough and need to please others to get attention and affection and who falls into codependence. Maybe it’s from a past narcissistic person when you were growing up. Heal this inner child. Learn about codependence and how to heal it and never be an easy house for a narcissist to break into again, but don’t judge yourself, because they will try to break everyone around. But they single out prey like a serial killer does. Be on the lookout and be careful now that we have learned about these predators.
I feel tense and anxious around a narcissist. I go inside myself and become silent, carefully measuring my words before I speak. And my Adhd becmes worse
Ty❤❤ i fled 5 yrs ago from one. 24 yrs of abuse.
I did the flee to be free 11/26/19, after 18yrs. The Best thing I ever did to save myself.
You speak the truth Aletta 😢
This space desperately needs more of this redirecting to our own experiences within our body rather than the narc's traits. Or in compliment to it. But this is the most important part! And it gets lost in noise about how to focus about learning about the label rather than focus on responding appropriately to the vibe based not on them, but on our own feelings!
Every single point hit home so hard, this video is so helpful that I downloaded it for recaps in future. This is how I felt throughout my most recent relationship, it lasted all of three months but the amount of damage I sustained far exceeded any from longer relationships.
Omg ! That's exactly how i felt around him 😮... i felt lost ,dumb ,small, nit me at all.. .. you just neiled it !
oh my goodness this was SO HELPFUL i know alot about Narcissm Ive studied it for years but I just met a couple that didnt feel right to me and all of the things you just said I can totally relate to them. The whole saying no only to say yes after the fact is exactly what just happened. I needed this confirmation thank you!!
I very much appreciate your analysis on those subtle body signals when meeting a narcissist! They add beautifully to a few warning signs I have recently discovered that my body sends me when I am with a person with strong narcissistic traits:
1: I somehow feel twisted inside, even physically twisted (as if I was trying to adapt to that person's reality, trying to suppress my own).
2: I can hardly look this person in the eye (if I did look this person in the eye, I would no longer be able to pretend to fit into that person’s reality - and revealing that I am not actually compatible with that person's reality kind of feels so threatening that it is not an option).
3: My head feels very narrow and kind of blank, in such a way that I can no longer think clearly and/or feel myself and my own needs (my mind feels like it's in fight or flight mode), and I risk falling into some sort of a paralysis mode (just doing what that person claims to be right).
For most of my life I thought I was dysfunctional and complicated, reacting in such a way to certain people (amongst others to one person in my immediate family surrounding). But no, I've come to realise that these reactions are extremely healthy warning signs aiming at protecting my integrity. So good!
Also, being afraid to leave the relationship. This video just convinced me I need to end a very one-sided friendship ASAP.
I needed to hear #3 & #4 so much right now.....I thought this was only happening to me, You described perfectly behavior I have been experiencing. Thank YOU. I a not crazy!
Yes, absolutely right! I recognize these feelings I had for a whole year. I broke the relation with that family I was renting a room from, and I moved :)
Thank you for putting the feelings into words.
Absolutely spot on.
There are probably many more nuanced feelings that we chose to ignore.
The work is on us to figure this out. Do that, and these personality types melt away from our lives
🙏🏻
soo true. very good explained. thank you for the video. there are three more things that I experienced: no one it's the feeling of losing your capabilities in a way - mentally and physically. like you are no longer able to do certain things or thinkings you are normal capable to do. it is like an alien took over and is limiting you. no two is, it feels like you re next to a black hole that sucks off all your energy and you are exhausted. no matter what you do, anything positive will be sucked up. no three: you turn into a person that is getting "harder" in order to survive the company, as if you constantly have to stand up for yourself instead of just being yourself.
Coercing you to change your personality, interests and dress sense by going into a rage to belittle and ridicule you - a character assassination. I was accused of being an illiterate shallow, superficial and pretentious person who uses books as a throw-down and who dresses like a student to attract women. Essentially calling me a player even though I had not cheated or even looked at another woman. I'm a loyal and monogamous person who just could not even dare. It turns out she was seeing three other guys - she was projecting her infidelity. The real problem was she wanted to keep me down (not to do a BA Degree and then MA in economics), this is a narcissist and psychopath trait. In a normal relationship, both partners would encourage each other to better themselves or celebrate each others achievements.
Thanks for making this excellent video, I've subscribed. You've done a great job putting into words the strange feelings we get around Narcissists, which are difficult to pin down. I found your channel through the excellent 'Surviving Narcissists and Psychopaths' documentary, which I will recommend to people who don't understand Narcissistic Abuse. I too found it hard to look into the ex Narcissist's eyes at the beginning of the relationship, they had a hypnotic quality. I'd also get anxiety in my stomach when he was around, particularly in response to his toothy smile. I used to feel slight revulsion and unease, which I'd then feel guilty about. Unfortunately I just put it down to nerves and butterflies - he was the first person I'd dated after the breakdown of a long-term relationship with a healthy man and I was completely naïve as to what cluster B personality disorders were.
Empath is another word for Codependent.
Thank you so much! I’m very proud of you, that you are able to help others through what you’ve experienced and because you experienced it, your words have such a profound meaning and it is right on. Thank you also for your warmth and smile!
Right on every point!
I don’t know if I can put fully into words but I get a sinking feeling like I’m going to be physically ill in some way. My “stomach drops” kind of feeling. Maybe overwhelming dread is better. But it’s some horrific sense of flight, not fight that I get. Maybe not everyone gets that but my mother is my abuser and I’m an adult who still hears her voice in my head from time to time.
Aletta,compliments for your documentary you really are going to help a lots of people
Very helpful, Aletta. You've brought us something unique by focusing on what the victim feels rather than what the narcissist does.
In my study journey, apart from learning a lot from Dr. Ramani Durvasula (her book "It's Not You" is a masterpiece), Dr. Les Carter, and survivor Danish Bashir, I recommend the videos on the channel of a diagnosed narcissist, Lee Hammock. Do you know him, Aletta?
It was interesting for me to see the narcissist's point of view for one main reason: He explains to us that, having narcissistic personality disorder, he KNOWS exactly what he's doing to his victims; he just can't control it (he's in therapy for it). What difference does it make for us, as victims, to know that? It made a huge difference to me because we tend to see narcissists only as sick people who don't know what they're doing. Many of us empaths even feel sorry for their childhood and sorry that they have the disorder. But when I learned this truth - THEY KNOW THEY'RE DOING US BAD - it changed everything for my tendency to forgive them many times. And what proves that they know? They behave one way in public and another way behind closed doors.
Stay strong, people. And thank you, Aletta.
Suddenly feeling ugly and not good enough.......
I’ve always hated fake people and that was before I figured they were a narcissist and mines was also a damn psychopath. Crazy combination.
Great video! Looking beautiful today !❤
thx - good work - those feelings applies to being in a certain city as a whole...
Tank you u are amazing
Watching this, I can see these characteristics in a guy that I have a crush on. I hate that.
I get a physical reaction in my gut I have mistaken this heightened emotion for attraction with disastrous results. It's easy to do. Now I run.
Well, I met a guy like six days ago and my body feels terrible because of what I’m going through with him
People always tell me to"tone it down""".......my comments are also being deleted......
Were always in trouble
It was helpful and thank you for your message. I hung around a group of women this summer and you mentioned feeling small. I was able to recognize that trait in a member of the group who kept wanting to drag me into gossip.
I do have a question, does your enrrgy body ever feel pummeled or beaten up around them? Mine has in several situations. I am wondering if it correlate ls with being around a narcissist.
Yes, this could be one of those subtle warning signs. It felt to me as if a shadow was falling over me, making me feel drained. But I’m sure everyone has their own interpretation of how it feels for them. It may not answer the question if this person is a narcissist alltogether, but to me this always answers the question if this person is for me.
My body sign seems to be anxiety!! I meet these people and I try to be open minded.. my body and mind : No.. we know
Me: what?? What do u know ??
My body: we know..
And then next time again.. i try givin benefit of doubt..
Realizing that person reminds me or earlier narc.
And the anxiety is just off the roof
It’s incredible how much information our body and gut feeling give us when we’re open to it!
What about girlfriends who always want you to eat what they want from the menu? Every time I go out - my friend says “ let’s share this or that” Even that I say I don’t want it or like it. Somehow she will always pressure me into it because I’m too nice to say no 😢
That’s a slippery slope.. if you look at where it leads.. you’ll find it easier to say no. It’s controlling behaviour. Is she trying to save herself money?
I wouldn't be friends with someone who can't respect how I feel.
I was not strong enough to realize a narcissist had taken over...it led to my attempt at suicide😮
does narcisist run in families.
Sometimes, but not as a rule.
I know narcissism is world wide and can happen to anyone, I just split friendship from a beautiful Dutch woman from den haag, I'm English live in England while I was looking into this as I had many red flags and lots of abuse from her I came across the abuse documentary which obviously was a Dutch production, coincidence could be but is there any cultural discrepancies that produce more or less, she was very aggressive verbally blackmail threats etc I would appreciate a reply if you read this
@@tonyconnor5691 Hi Tony, sorry to hear you’ve had this experience. Although Dutch people can be direct and sometimes people find the Dutch ‘g’ sounding harsh, things like blackmail, threats or being agressive is not a cultural thing. It is simply rude and not ok. Even in The Netherlands ;)
@@AlettaMeijer I meant can narcissism be a cultural thing?
I have seen it run in families. Narcissistic parents many times teach their children to be narcissists as well.
Jesus ❤u
Very hard to hear you. Please speak up.
what percent of the population is narcisist.
According to specialists about 5-6% of the population is narcissistic.
@@AlettaMeijer never have I met such a person, are they all bad people. do they offer any value to society.
@@carlmoot6315nope. They are good at tricking ppl into thinking they are wonderful. But ppl who know them personally have seen the worst of them.
🏨🏨🏨