I really resonate with the reason about wanting to recreate our childhood situation and then try to control it or "win" it. I do that. I am usually attracted to people who are already in a relationship. My ongoing thoughts are, "This time, they will choose me. What can I do to finally impress them enough to choose me and see how great I am?"
I am an emphatic too and for years every time I meet someone I usually will play a mother's role caring and do everything for them Now I feel exhausted of been a such wonderful person but never good enough for them to pursue a relationship with it
My CPTSD childhood taught me to be hypervigilent of other people's needs and completely dissociated from my own, which needless to say,brought many a narcissist into my life. The hardest part of healing from my childhood trauma is learning how to show up for myself NOW , on a daily basis, in a living,nurturing way,something I never learned in childhood because nobody ever did that.So now, my daily practice is finding a way to connect with me now, like I said to myself today, "What would you enjoy doing today?"And then I answered,"I want to paint ". I LISTEN very closely to myself and if I state a need,I make sure it is met because nobody ever did that in my life, and it feels so good to be able to respond affirmatively and lovingly to my own genuine needs for the first time.I do this daily and every time I'm there for me , and show up,I feel deeply empowered, like I'm finally coming alive.Its never too late to have a happy childhood.
Very abusive father. Mom told me "Daddy loves you. You love your daddy." The only real bodily feeling I had for my father was fear, but this was mislabeled by my mom. When she told me I loved my father, my true feeling, fear was given the name "love". Whenever I met a dangerous man that should be feared, I experienced it as an intense attraction. I thought I was in love. I overcame this after I left my last relationship with a severe alcoholic. He called and when I saw his number I felt an intense rush of energy. Fear. In that moment I realized that the feeling had been there with him since we met, but I thought it was the excitement of falling in love. Immediately I realized why, the childhood misnaming of my feelings. After all. Kids don't know the names of their feelings. Parents name them. At that moment I healed that part of it. Ever since when I meet a man and feel that feeling, I don't think it's attraction....I know it's needed fear, and I walk away. Fast.
You’re so right. I fell into a limerent relationship with my former boss 4 years ago. Everyone was afraid of her because she was unspeakably cold and cruel. But as I got to know her, I “fell in love” with her, and the adrenaline rushes felt like ecstasy. I was just confused when my body was trying to warn me to stay away. I told myself that I was having fun. It’s so very sad.
For me it was about not being put back into a similiar sitution to a childhood filled with abandonment and sorrow. I realized that when someone really loves me i feel very unconfortable and avoid them...so maybe for some people its about avoiding the possibility of been betrayed again.
My parents were unavailable to actually love me, nurture me, listen to me, have a freaking conversation with me. They were unavailable to love themselves, let alone anyone else. They were children themselves trying to figure out how to survive. Survival was a way of life. Seems obvious I would attract unavailable people.
Just bought: ADULT CHILDREN OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS How to heal from distant rejecting self-involved parents. Lindsay C Gibson PhD. ( Our parents)
I think we are attracted to unavailable people because that's how our parents were. An unavailable person feels like going home. Trying to get them to act right is what we grew up doing. It's a well-developed skill set. It's taking my focus off the unavailable person and putting it on myself that I find nearly impossible to do. Almost like it's wrong. Almost like God is going to smite me for being selfish. But that's what I was told and taught in so many words as a child: You should be taking care of me. You should be putting all your intelligence and energy towards making my life better. You, your thoughts, your feelings, your wishes do not matter. So if you grow up with that mindset and your brain developed that way, that just feels normal.
"Desire to win the love this time" works for me and I've totally bought into this even though it's upsetting and painful and makes me shake my fist at the sky at the unfairness of not getting love in your childhood = not getting love in adulthood.
As an empath, I believe that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable people because these cold, withholding people aren't bombarding you with their emotional storms all the time. Empaths are constantly overwhelmed with other people's crazy dis-regulated emotional stuff. If you are struggling to regulate yourself and separate your emotions from the chaos of the world, emotionally unavailable people seem like a safe and stable harbor of refuge. And in a way they are. It takes a long time for empaths to learn to protect themselves from the unhealthy energies of the world before they can search for the healthy. I'm not sure there is any other way but trial and error for us.
i agree with that as an empath and as a CPTSD trying to surviver, They overlap for me in a lot of areas. There was also a great problem with my empath attracting narcissists. for me the two of these are not mutually exclusive. In part my CPTSD was a lot harder, or more deeply wired, because i was also an empath.
I'm an empath and I can't stand being around cold, distant people like my Dad, I was attracted to narcissists and emotionally volatile people like my mum
Thank you for your comment! I'm rather empathetic and I really hope I don't end up attracting any narcassists into my life. I've already had too much narcassism for me with my mother.
I only seem to be interested when they are no longer interested in me. When they are interested I shut off and cannot recieve the love and run away. Such a curse... This neediness is not true love.
I don't even have the desire to be in relationships anymore. And I wonder if I ever will. I find self love and companionship very fulfilling. I don't find needing, wanting, looking for love that comes from another person that compelling anymore. Maybe I"m in denial.. I don't quite know, but self love is fine for now.
@Billy B I meant about finding self love and companionship very fulfilling. About not needing to have someone. Looking for love that comes from another person. Being content and whole in myself. I think that may be the one thing I may not attain in this life. Idk. I hope so but I'm closer to the end than the beginning so we'll see.
This is great! I had to set a standard for myself and I’m so thankful for that - I’m now married to a man who is far beyond anything I could’ve imagined for myself. It’s so strange how we “crave” or “daydream” of a love and of commitment and then when someone who comes along that is actually good for you and available, it is SO difficult and hard work to be with them (because of you, not them!). It’s the hardest thing I’ve done, but I’m still so happy I have chosen to do it - Through all of the junk and joy.
I think we unconsciously seek flawed forms of relationships. Whether friendships or romantic. Because that’s the form of twisted love we know. So, we feel safe in that environment. When we get crumbs of false hope. We look for a type of impossible love. Like waiting on a miracle. Unavailable people similar to the ones who hurt us in the past. We pursue them in hopes that a miracle will happen and they will love us right. Of course, it’s nothing but a beautiful and tragically doomed dream. I’m so grateful you make these videos. To see my own behavior explained in such detail. Makes me realize not only that I’ve been doing it wrong but also that I’m not alone in this struggle. Thank you 🙏
I love how you offer the perspective of not needing to know why we act this way. To be honest, I sense I just want to work hard so the love feels real thanks to my parents, I don't feel regular love somehow, but your video really took some pressure off of me. Intellectualizing things can be a taxing habit. Thank you for this!
I saw you had another comment about avoiding unavailable people (can't find the comment here). I have a course for that: crappychildhoodfairy.lpages.co/dating-course-tf-from-youtube
I was so deeply rooted in the reality of my dysfunctional family that it was not until my marriage with a horrible narcissist with psychopathic traits that I was awakened to the reality ( the process of awakening was painful and it took years).. It does not matter how much we know in theory, we need to live through our internal reality structure in order to heal and transform it. Now, the problem is that I am afraid of relationships because I know that one can never know about the other person until after a time. Also, I attracted too a relationship in which there was no emotional connection. Now I know, there was no emotional connection in my childhood. I have been the emotionally unavailable person, too.
For me, even though my birth father was the one who did the most damage, it’s my mom’s second marriage that teaches me to this day about the importance of compatibility. Though my last relationship was with a very kind man who treated me well, his everyday lifestyle and plans for the future were so different from mine that I knew I had to end the relationship or I’d be struggling like my mom forever, cleaning up and completely looking after her husband who-for whatever reason-does not do any chores or take charge of anything in the household. Plus I really want children eventually and it was a hard no for him, so without the prospect of a family or even the possibility of living together, after communicating back and forth for almost a year and seeing that neither was going to change their expectations, I had to call it quits. It was so painful but it was the right thing to do.
I have definitely gone into relationships blind and not paying attention to huge red flags… I was with a man for 9 years then married for another 8 who was absolutely unavailable.. my mom and family saw it immediately. I didn’t think we would be together for a long time.. and I blinked and it was 14 years later.. . We are now divorced because i just could not waste another minute living that life. My mom talks to me and says it’s because my dad was unavailable and not around.. he was a serious drug addict for most of my childhood until I was 16… at that point I didn’t want anything to do with him. I stopped talking to him for years and at 40 (I’m almost 42) I started weekly therapy to deal with the anger I felt towards him. Therapy was exactly what I needed…
Please, I would appreciate a video about how to come out of the disconnection and how to find a healthy, relevant connected new relationship at midlife. Thank you for very enlightened and skillfully made videos. I think you are very good, indeed.
Hi @Jane, you are in luck! I have many videos on this subject -- may by now you've poked around here and on my website crappychildhoodfairy.com. I've also created a course on relationships that might be perfect for you: bit.ly/32qFEUT
I've never had a true, healthy romantic relationship. Just flings that depleted me and offered nothing of substance. I think I've lost my desire for love after dealing with so much failure and heartbreak. I'm not sure to begin healing my love life.
It doesn’t matter. I love that. I have my theories why I do what I do. But at the end of the day all that matters is making better decisions and making the pain stop
How did I stumble upon this video. Very kind of you to address this topic. Sometimes with lot of determination and hope we enter into relationships only to face a mud cake in our face. Thanks for addressing such a tender subject with clarity.
This is a good video, but I think the stats show that even with therapy, we never totally recover from childhood imprinting. A good video to watch is The School of Life's video about "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person". None of us gets a perfect partner and that video helped me to accept and work with what I had.
Wow. This one hit me hard. It's only within the past 2 years that I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to narcissistic abuse, and exploring the source of being an enabler. I recognize that I tend to be drawn to unavailable men ...that I struggle with feeling worthy. In my healing, I certainly agree with you to consciously set boundaries, which I have done. Thank you for being so open to helping others
Yes. The lack of connection has made me need the dysfunctional connection that is mostly good but still sick. He's a victim of Narcissism and is NPD... we live in the vicious cycle but I'm awake and changing.
I’m so sorry! I always wondered why, when I knew better, I fell in love with a narcissist. Took me 10 years to leave that relationship. I mean I left it continuously for ten years before it was over over. I think some of it was hoping he could be saved, but he doesn’t want to change.
I really like how you flush this out. There is a subtle but important difference between saying we are attracted by default to what is familiar even though it's horrible and not at all what we want versus we want those horrible relationships to create resolution. I agree saying it the old way is a justification that is not helpful because it makes it sound like we have to stay in hell until we've learned better instead of the more empowered approach you present of making commitments to ourselves and clear choices.
Thank you Anna, for sharing some of your personal story with us!! Even if your story is the only one with a happy ending - if I look at the comments here that's very likely at least in this community - it's an encouragement to keep at it and work on ourselves. Best wishes for you and yours as well as everyone here in this community!!
I so hear you and most of those theories resonate with me. I have always said relationships are my greatest area of blindness. And you are correct, my brain always would shut down. I put a lot of it down to my all or nothing mentality, I was wrong. This has really helped me. And I love your grand theory most of all
Hiya Cavy -- thanks so much for your kind notes (responding to all here). It's the best part about all this when someone can relate. How did you recover from PTSD? What happened? If you'd prefer to PM, I'm at crappychildhoodfairy@gmail.com
thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I will sit down later today and reply properly as happy to share what i can. And i soooooo relate to you and what you have to say. thank you for having the courage to do this.
Ah, Truth! Thank you for this video. I know my relationship patterns, I recognize what gets me into hot water... what I need to do more efficiently is to create a framework of boundaries to help me avoid my favorite pitfalls. Wonderful discussion!
I would like to know about boundaries, examples of how to say no to this people, it looks like a very simple thing for many people but not for me. Another thing is I havent live my life properly, always trying to satisfy to those individuals I guess is my programming, i would like to travel or to be independent, I feel like wasting my time, how do you get to that point? I dont have too much money to pay this course, anothe cptsd consequence but I can recommend it to many people....Thank you.
I’ve had a terrible habit of being attracted to friends loving families, as if they’ll treat me like I’m one of their own and emotionally adopt me. It’s never worked. They have each other. They’re not looking for a needy 3rd wheel and therefore they are unavailable.
I get it, but you won't feel you have to do that when you've started healing. Our membership is a great start- we have a really supportive community bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy
I understand you. Even though I don't do it with families of friends, I binge watch series with loving families and supportive friends. I kinda wish I was part of them, for ex. part of the Baxter family in Last Man Standing
Wow, I mean, you keep hitting the ball right out of the park . You totally give legs to your ideas and get us out of a deer in the headlights paralysis . You're absolutely marvelous! p.s. Like you I have never jibed with any therapist spanning decades . It was , " oh, I've told you something awful, and now I feel twice as bad as before!" You are making a big difference ! Thank goodness for you !!💕💖
I'm trying to solve a problem and every video I watch about this topic is like gold. I've cleared up so many questions even before the time of my therapy appointment. Thank you!
I feel so hurt, this guy broke my heart. I remember I stated my deal breaker to him and questioned him about it before we got together, but instead of telling me how he really felt, he kept it to himself. Months later he ended it with me. I was totally distressed and blindsided and I couldn't let it go. I asked him why and he mentioned my deal breaker (amongst other reasons). But I still don't understand why did he not say anything at the time before I got emotionally involved. I feel so betrayed... What do you do when they don't tell you the truth?
Even without knowing what we want/are looking for, we must accept the pain and discomfort of that which we may not know, yet we feel is what we do not want\ have not yet found. Perhaps we may never know. The sadness of this is "the dark night of the soul." It is journey. We feel our way through. Alone. Sadness is feeling. Accepting this is emotion.
By my side, just loving the crap outta me. That's what I want! 😂 Really making the most of these talks at this time. Excellent timing for me. Speaks to me very much.
I never heard the word love in our house growing up. My dad was at time’s abusive and my mother was good at taking care of us, but it was like a job, or something she was expected to do. I have no idea what it feels like to be truly loved by someone. When I meet someone I feel good about, they never feel the same about me. I’ve had long term relationships, but we’re never truly in love, or at least I wasn’t. It’s more like good friends. Even the relationship I’m in now he says he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. He too selfish to care about anyone but himself. Maybe I’m the same and that’s the attraction and don’t realize it. Anyway I have to make a decision what road do I want to travel because this one is getting very tiring.
when I was single, good high quality girls seemed boring, but I could not understand why, and problem girls(unavailable) would drive me crazy with romantic attraction, especially if they needed saving! and I did not understand this but it was very exiting so this was my way to choose. Of course, I have paid the price.
I feel like we do this to avoid feeling reality that we felt unworthy of love in childhood. If we tell ourselves this is love, than we don’t have to deal with what it really is. For me it was realising that my caregivers saw me in pain and did nothing, so I made it mean that I was worthless. Feeling those feelings is tough, but feeling is healing and you can alter the meaning after observing this.
No matter what, the man who comes after me is my father in another body. There’s not been one man ever who’s been interested in me who hasn’t been just like him; I can be minding my own business in a room full of people, and the man most like my father is the guy that approaches me. That’s why it’s just best for me to stay alone; no matter what I do, how long I stay away from men, they’re all the same if they like me.
I also think we are attracted to unavailable people because we settle. We settle because anything is better than being alone, because we don't love ourselves. Being with someone else feels like the only chance we have of ever feeling loved. In other words, our poor self image causes us to aim low, and to accept mediocre.
Can't express enough how much your videos are helping me! I wish I could purchase the course. But not having a job currently. Though I will be willing to buy a cheapter source like a book written by you especially for the people with anxious attachment style.
We're so glad you're enjoying the videos! If you're interested, Anna does offer a free course called 'The Daily Practice', here's the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
i have a history of perusing emotionally damaged and unavailable young women. I’m 23 years old and have CPTSD. I’ve been with young women who are addicted to drugs, or single mothers or who i believed to even be narcissistic. My therapist told me that the reason i chose partners who only gave me drums of affection was because it was what my perception of love was shaped into when I was young. Setting standards and for who i’m allowing to have my heart is new to me.
we recreate what we feel familiar with, what we were primed for. not to overcome it. just because this was the context our love for another person existed in for the first time. we recreate that context because this is how we loved for the first time. and i think many of us are addicted to that love (inside ourselves). feeling love for someone else is a beautiful feeling. no matter what I do, I cannot access that kind of love in another (more healthy) context. another context always feels alien and I, as if I'm alienated from myslef, my core. when I opt for someone who treats me right, it never is that deep and I almost act like a narcissist, just judging the other person if they treat me well enough for me to stay. I have never been able to feel real deep love for someone 'normal'. because it is just not there. I opt to not hurt people and just go for a hopeless but REAL heartbreak. and I think it will always be like that.
It's quantum physics, so scientific. See? While being abused, our heart starts beating at a certain level, sending a certain vibration throughout our body. Wer are over 75% water, just like when we throw a rock in a water that's still, it will create ripples. Our heart's vibration, the beating of our heart determines how the rest of our body vibrates, and vibration determines our frequency, and like a magnet, we attract other DAMAGED people with similar vibration. That's why when we feel that someone more damaged than us, or evil, we say he or she has a bad VIBE. Move away from damaged people, start anew. Meditation and positive affirmations changes that negative vibration to positive ones... It's more detailed than this, but I shortened it...
There are alot of reasons and to try to boil it down, I attract certain dynamics but I have an anxious and avoidant attachment style. I hold back, and keep things bottled up. I've started therapy before I date anyone else. I have goals and try not to repeat past mistakes.
Wow you are courageous Anna! To ask your husband if he’s open to marriage, etc......I always think I should let the man bring that up.....I might try that!
Great advice. But my ex husband lied to me about being open to having kids. After we got married, he declared that he definitely does not want kids. I should have heeded the red flags along the way. Grateful I was able to leave him though.
For me its more physical than emotionally unavailable people. I think it’s easier to not get triggered the more space i have. So I notice i like guys that don’t live close, or work with me, guys that are often busy working, etc.
Yes, that makes sense as a coping mechanism. Hopefully, when you get better at managing triggers you won't feel you have to do that, unless you just like it and want to :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Well, this was such a valuable insight, thank you!! Yes, in the end it doesn't matter why, although the 'nerds' among us, such as myself, like to have background information.😏 I'm exactly at this point now, drawing firm lines about my categorie ' never again '. There must be a few absolutely non-negotiable. Like in my case for instance ' not another country again '. Not even a totally different environment where I have to adjust and be vulnerable to the point of being completely stuck.
This topics really resonated with me. Once again thank you for making me realize that I need to stop the pattern being attracted to unavailable people :)
Idealism in relationships, narcissism, know the relationship will not last or is possible, superficial relationships, thrill seeking eroticism or lust, etc....
I am so glad I found this one! Took me a while to find it. I have started seeing a guy and we get along so well. Great connection, laughter and interests! No stress or anxiety! I like him and he likes me a lot. But, I'm struggling to find him physically attractive 😩 I feel so bad because he's not unattractive at all. Old me would have already kicked him to the curb. But im going VERY slowly. But I don't want to go too slow? It just blows my mind that I can easily "hook up" with the wrong guy.. but this guy I'm really apprehensive about intimacy. I really hate this cptsd brain! But I'm not going to screw it up or push him away. He's great and I know it. Uuugghh so frustrated with myself
@Tonya_Hacker you are a good candidate for my dating course. it's for people who are exactly in your shoes. You might want to check it out. courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
“Loving the ‘SNOT’ out of you” just saying... Anna, you are the bestests ever, a God Send, you are a tremendous blessing, phenomenal !!Thank You!! Thank you for all that you are doing, your work is eternally valuable! Your video lessons have helped me enormously. With a grateful heart, Thank You !!
Hey i Thank you a lot! You help me to understand and make sense all the things. As human being i really wanna help my partner before and i can't but all i can do is always gives support and compassion. Thanks! Love indri 🙏
Dating seems way off as all I ever do is meet emotionally unavailable men. What about unavailable friends? I am completely on my own and don't know where to start.
This is what I did, a long long time ago now. Never again. And not even friends who cant ever drink "lagom", or "forces-tjatarpå" me to drink when I dont want to (otherwise one is boring, and you feel like that too when met with that) =D Oh Gosh so many crazy things people do. with each others, until we get enough. Also people who overwork, anything, more than relate, or something else, thats too addicted behaviour (unless maybee they really have worked through it, and they show they have!) As you say, yes, we have understanding, and thats often what attracts, but if not ready, you are not there. I have made some very hard lessons, from young yrs. As many women are, I too was taught how to, "take care of, almost everything in the relation" Then, I couldnt, cause my stresslevels skyrocketed. And... then I started listening and re-learning, and educate myself, again. Be here now, is a good start! Thanks for the reminder.
@crappychildhoodfairy thank you for this. Im slowly understanding my behaviors and patterns as im connecting the dots. I have this person in my life. Im crazy about him but hr likes mr just not like that. I reached the conclusion a long time ago that I need to remove him from my life in order to heal properly. I had blocked him but he somehow managed to get back into my life. I allowed it in hopes that he had had some time to reflect and realise some things. But we just had a conversation the other day where he expressed that Im one of the only people he can be himself with, these conversations helps him relax and unwind and that we have a special connection. Etc etc. At the end of the conversation I realised he will get all the benefits of a relationship with me but without commiting as that is the issue (we live in different continents now but even when we lived in the same country it was the issue) So he will get what he needs while I will continue to have small hope that he will come around. My question is this; Should I explain why we have to let go and go our seperat ways or how should I go about it? Ignore/block and Silence is something I do well but some say its immature but Im trying to evolve. So just trying to do things the right way.
Second vedio that I am watching on this channel and I find it soo relatable. I am glad their is in an explanation and way to break out as well from crazy patterns.
Could it be that you attract the type of person of who you are inside ? So if you haven't worked on healing your self you will continue to be with people as messed up as you or like you. and why do you have to be married to be happy ? is it necessary ? will a paper contract keep your marriage together ?
Hi Michael, I'm pretty sure I mentioned finding someone who is as unavailable as we are, as one of the ten theories in my list? And as for marriage, if you like not being married, great. My course is for people who want to be married. It's a common desire, and for those who really want it, it's pretty core to happiness. And marriage is certainly much, much more than a "paper contract," though if you're not into it, I can see how it looks that way.
I'd rsay the reason is because we need a rational closure: someone say 'sorry' for what they did. So, we're looking for someone who's a copy of our parent and want to re-live all the toxicity but in a 'mature way' and with a 'mature person' who will this time say sorry (which to us will mean also the apology on behalf of our parent). This obviously never happens, we experience the new relationship as horrible, split and hurt. I think once we realise that, 'yes, what had hapeend in the childhood was wrong and the parent should have apologised' and 'no, he or she is not gonna!", we can move on and start the journey to a more fulfilling relationship without toxicity. What you said, Anna, about making the list is also true. But what I often failed at was reviewing the list long term and truly understanding the meaning of things... To give you an example. I once donloaded a list of dealbreakers from reddit. A VERY detailed and comprehensive list. One of the points is 'personal hygiene'. In my famil home it was an issue... my stepd. showered once a week. I was always mortified at the thought of having to have s**x with a man who'd not shower regulalry. So when I met my boyfriend, who obviously always showered when we saw each other, I was like, wow... cool :D But then we moved in together. It soon showed (when staying 24h with each other) that he also has hygiene problems, showers once in three days and only because he has to, not for the sake of himself... He then blamed me for not wanting to have 'spontaneous s**x" and for killing his desire... WOW :D And no matter how many conversations we had, with me saying that 'you shower regulalry and always keep yourself clean and we're spontanous asf', it never worked. I'm happy he's my ex now. he has a nickname at my psychoterapist: 'slob'. It's very powerful and I was surprised that my psychoteherapist 'reduced' him to that. The longer I think about it, the more I understand and value it. It's okay to reduce him to it, since it played such a big role in the relationship. Also, his hygiene habits were, so to say, inherited. I cannot underestimate the importance of looking at what their parents are like... I swore to myself, I'll never ever date a person coming from a toxic family ever again UNLESS they had been to a therapy for a longer period of time and spea positively of its results (because too many people are like, 'been there, done that,didn't work'.... and stop trying with any other solution). Dear Anna, thank you so much for your videos! :D
I'm very clear on who I will not date. You said the truth there & we waste time on the reason😊💛🎁🎇. Glad I've learned some things & thanks for the confirmation. Clarity & directness helps us all!💌🌸😉
Lol you just summed up my whole life in a video. I'm so freaking unavailable to everyone who actually likes me while falling for other unavailable people of all kinds (same sex who is not into itn opposite sex but on relationships etc) .____.
Ohh thats why i get attracted to married men. And i did fantazise all my childhood . Even now when i get attracted i fantazise been married to them. It takes a toll on my mind.
I was exactly the sane bc my dad is an alcoholic....and I was really good at finding a man who has and still is not an addict of any kind....BUT he was emotionally neglectful, which I didn't even know was an issue
If you keep the relationship in the "getting to know you phase" for a LONG time (no sex) you will have the chance to get a real read on his intentions and integrity before letting him into your life. You may want to check out my dating course. I have a Valentines Day sale going on right now. Here are details: crappychildhoodfairy.com/2020/02/12/dreading-valentines-day-heres-something-to-heal-that
I do not like to be hurt,...I just feel it is normal...that it should be like that for me especially (but not for others) I feel uncomfortable if someone treats me in a normal loving way (I can accept love only in material way...in the way my parents treated me...and my sister also...I can offer place to live, something to eat and some clothes...but not extra gifts, makeup stuff, cosmetics or parfume (just pure basics) , compliments (just satisfaction if I do something I should do) not my time, understanding and emotional support)...I can live happily without extra material stuff (I know how to cope with not having things other people use to buy, or crave or how and where they spend their free time ..but I have never recovered from emotional unsupport/ignorance. I am working on it for so long and still seek approval to feel happy..)
I recognize a lot of what you say to be true, and yes there could be a lot more than what we initially think going on.. I do know I fall for the person who makes me feel less than... Who gives me pain, I think it's all what biological, our bodies know whats going on and we are unconsciously driven to follow, once that oxytocin kicks in I feel invincible, but there's still pain and urgency in some level Crazy making 🙄 one thing I do know love =pain somewhere along the way
Im realizing that when we try to “protect” our children by mislabeling so that things Look different to them we are feeding them wrong information, all my life i new something was BS I am a beautiful generous loving person and I have settled for unavailable people my entire life my husband didn’t seem unavailable but i see now that he is unavailable in other ways just unable to be a partner.
Can I ask if your course covers how you move forward and start dating again if you’ve stopped dating for a long time because of fear? Would working on reregulating oneself in general whilst making a conscious decision to overcome this fear make the fear less intense? (if that makes sense!)
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I really resonate with the reason about wanting to recreate our childhood situation and then try to control it or "win" it. I do that. I am usually attracted to people who are already in a relationship. My ongoing thoughts are, "This time, they will choose me. What can I do to finally impress them enough to choose me and see how great I am?"
God I do the same thing, nice to not feel alone with being effed up
😞😞😞💔
It’s a repetition compulsion.
I am an emphatic too and for years every time I meet someone I usually will play a mother's role caring and do everything for them
Now I feel exhausted of been a such wonderful person but never good enough for them to pursue a relationship with it
Yes, this is me also. :(
My CPTSD childhood taught me to be hypervigilent of other people's needs and completely dissociated from my own, which needless to say,brought many a narcissist into my life. The hardest part of healing from my childhood trauma is learning how to show up for myself NOW , on a daily basis, in a living,nurturing way,something I never learned in childhood because nobody ever did that.So now, my daily practice is finding a way to connect with me now, like I said to myself today, "What would you enjoy doing today?"And then I answered,"I want to paint ". I LISTEN very closely to myself and if I state a need,I make sure it is met because nobody ever did that in my life, and it feels so good to be able to respond affirmatively and lovingly to my own genuine needs for the first time.I do this daily and every time I'm there for me , and show up,I feel deeply empowered, like I'm finally coming alive.Its never too late to have a happy childhood.
I know that it was months ago.. that you wrote you comment - but I thank you for it! Wishing you a very Happy 2020
Yes! Thank you for your comment! I'm so glad you have cultivated such a healthy practise of nurturing yourself! That's great! :D
Amazing
Me too. It makes me feel like I don't exist, I'm not real.
This comment makes me feel so hopeful. Thank you very much.
Very abusive father. Mom told me "Daddy loves you. You love your daddy." The only real bodily feeling I had for my father was fear, but this was mislabeled by my mom. When she told me I loved my father, my true feeling, fear was given the name "love". Whenever I met a dangerous man that should be feared, I experienced it as an intense attraction. I thought I was in love. I overcame this after I left my last relationship with a severe alcoholic. He called and when I saw his number I felt an intense rush of energy. Fear. In that moment I realized that the feeling had been there with him since we met, but I thought it was the excitement of falling in love. Immediately I realized why, the childhood misnaming of my feelings. After all. Kids don't know the names of their feelings. Parents name them.
At that moment I healed that part of it. Ever since when I meet a man and feel that feeling, I don't think it's attraction....I know it's needed fear, and I walk away. Fast.
That is so liberating in your insight .
Love it 💖
@@mariaa8659 same. Delt with it 21yrs.
You’re so right. I fell into a limerent relationship with my former boss 4 years ago. Everyone was afraid of her because she was unspeakably cold and cruel.
But as I got to know her, I “fell in love” with her, and the adrenaline rushes felt like ecstasy. I was just confused when my body was trying to warn me to stay away. I told myself that I was having fun. It’s so very sad.
You nailed it. Fear= love=crappy childhood
For me it was about not being put back into a similiar sitution to a childhood filled with abandonment and sorrow. I realized that when someone really loves me i feel very unconfortable and avoid them...so maybe for some people its about avoiding the possibility of been betrayed again.
My parents were unavailable to actually love me, nurture me, listen to me, have a freaking conversation with me. They were unavailable to love themselves, let alone anyone else. They were children themselves trying to figure out how to survive. Survival was a way of life. Seems obvious I would attract unavailable people.
Sort of yeah.
same :(
Just bought: ADULT CHILDREN OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS How to heal from distant rejecting self-involved parents. Lindsay C Gibson PhD. ( Our parents)
I think we are attracted to unavailable people because that's how our parents were. An unavailable person feels like going home. Trying to get them to act right is what we grew up doing. It's a well-developed skill set. It's taking my focus off the unavailable person and putting it on myself that I find nearly impossible to do. Almost like it's wrong. Almost like God is going to smite me for being selfish. But that's what I was told and taught in so many words as a child: You should be taking care of me. You should be putting all your intelligence and energy towards making my life better. You, your thoughts, your feelings, your wishes do not matter. So if you grow up with that mindset and your brain developed that way, that just feels normal.
I know what you mean..
"Desire to win the love this time" works for me and I've totally bought into this even though it's upsetting and painful and makes me shake my fist at the sky at the unfairness of not getting love in your childhood = not getting love in adulthood.
Beautifully said. And... it ain't over yet...
yulp... u got my vote.
Hii gypsy... Can we talk... M from Indian... I am a girl.. hope u respond to my msg... Cause I am ur similar kind
As an empath, I believe that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable people because these cold, withholding people aren't bombarding you with their emotional storms all the time. Empaths are constantly overwhelmed with other people's crazy dis-regulated emotional stuff. If you are struggling to regulate yourself and separate your emotions from the chaos of the world, emotionally unavailable people seem like a safe and stable harbor of refuge. And in a way they are. It takes a long time for empaths to learn to protect themselves from the unhealthy energies of the world before they can search for the healthy. I'm not sure there is any other way but trial and error for us.
Interesting. I had not hear this perspective before.
i agree with that as an empath and as a CPTSD trying to surviver, They overlap for me in a lot of areas. There was also a great problem with my empath attracting narcissists. for me the two of these are not mutually exclusive. In part my CPTSD was a lot harder, or more deeply wired, because i was also an empath.
@@CavyConsciousness : I'm both too. What I hoped would be a safe haven from rage-a-holics turned out to be the deep freeze.
I'm an empath and I can't stand being around cold, distant people like my Dad, I was attracted to narcissists and emotionally volatile people like my mum
Thank you for your comment! I'm rather empathetic and I really hope I don't end up attracting any narcassists into my life. I've already had too much narcassism for me with my mother.
I only seem to be interested when they are no longer interested in me.
When they are interested I shut off and cannot recieve the love and run away.
Such a curse... This neediness is not true love.
That is not so uncommon. That can be healed.
I don't even have the desire to be in relationships anymore. And I wonder if I ever will. I find self love and companionship very fulfilling. I don't find needing, wanting, looking for love that comes from another person that compelling anymore. Maybe I"m in denial.. I don't quite know, but self love is fine for now.
I FIND I FEEL THE SAME I HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MUCH TO BELIEVE THERE IS REAL LOVE
I think you are in a very good place a healthy place, not denial. I wish I were in that place. That would be huge progress for me.
KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF & MORE IMPORTANTLY GET CLOSER TO GOD......IM CATHOLIC AND JESUSCHRIST HAS SAVED AND TRANSFORMED MY LIFE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.
@Billy B I meant about finding self love and companionship very fulfilling. About not needing to have someone. Looking for love that comes from another person. Being content and whole in myself. I think that may be the one thing I may not attain in this life. Idk. I hope so but I'm closer to the end than the beginning so we'll see.
This is how I feel
The “It doesn’t matter” bit gives me so much hope. Thank you so much.
This is great! I had to set a standard for myself and I’m so thankful for that - I’m now married to a man who is far beyond anything I could’ve imagined for myself. It’s so strange how we “crave” or “daydream” of a love and of commitment and then when someone who comes along that is actually good for you and available, it is SO difficult and hard work to be with them (because of you, not them!). It’s the hardest thing I’ve done, but I’m still so happy I have chosen to do it - Through all of the junk and joy.
This is so important for everyone to hear!!!! Good work.
I think we unconsciously seek flawed forms of relationships. Whether friendships or romantic. Because that’s the form of twisted love we know. So, we feel safe in that environment. When we get crumbs of false hope. We look for a type of impossible love. Like waiting on a miracle. Unavailable people similar to the ones who hurt us in the past. We pursue them in hopes that a miracle will happen and they will love us right. Of course, it’s nothing but a beautiful and tragically doomed dream. I’m so grateful you make these videos. To see my own behavior explained in such detail. Makes me realize not only that I’ve been doing it wrong but also that I’m
not alone in this struggle. Thank you 🙏
I love how you offer the perspective of not needing to know why we act this way. To be honest, I sense I just want to work hard so the love feels real thanks to my parents, I don't feel regular love somehow, but your video really took some pressure off of me. Intellectualizing things can be a taxing habit. Thank you for this!
I saw you had another comment about avoiding unavailable people (can't find the comment here). I have a course for that:
crappychildhoodfairy.lpages.co/dating-course-tf-from-youtube
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much!
I was so deeply rooted in the reality of my dysfunctional family that it was not until my marriage with a horrible narcissist with psychopathic traits that I was awakened to the reality ( the process of awakening was painful and it took years).. It does not matter how much we know in theory, we need to live through our internal reality structure in order to heal and transform it. Now, the problem is that I am afraid of relationships because I know that one can never know about the other person until after a time. Also, I attracted too a relationship in which there was no emotional connection. Now I know, there was no emotional connection in my childhood. I have been the emotionally unavailable person, too.
Hi Jane, just sent some links to you on your other comment. You would love my dating course; bit.ly/32qFEUT
Really well said, thank you for sharing that .
For me, even though my birth father was the one who did the most damage, it’s my mom’s second marriage that teaches me to this day about the importance of compatibility. Though my last relationship was with a very kind man who treated me well, his everyday lifestyle and plans for the future were so different from mine that I knew I had to end the relationship or I’d be struggling like my mom forever, cleaning up and completely looking after her husband who-for whatever reason-does not do any chores or take charge of anything in the household. Plus I really want children eventually and it was a hard no for him, so without the prospect of a family or even the possibility of living together, after communicating back and forth for almost a year and seeing that neither was going to change their expectations, I had to call it quits. It was so painful but it was the right thing to do.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience, glad you are here
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have definitely gone into relationships blind and not paying attention to huge red flags… I was with a man for 9 years then married for another 8 who was absolutely unavailable.. my mom and family saw it immediately. I didn’t think we would be together for a long time.. and I blinked and it was 14 years later.. . We are now divorced because i just could not waste another minute living that life. My mom talks to me and says it’s because my dad was unavailable and not around.. he was a serious drug addict for most of my childhood until I was 16… at that point I didn’t want anything to do with him. I stopped talking to him for years and at 40 (I’m almost 42) I started weekly therapy to deal with the anger I felt towards him. Therapy was exactly what I needed…
Thank you so much for putting out this great content. It’s life changing.
Thanks! Nice to have you in the course!
Please, I would appreciate a video about how to come out of the disconnection and how to find a healthy, relevant connected new relationship at midlife. Thank you for very enlightened and skillfully made videos. I think you are very good, indeed.
Hi @Jane, you are in luck! I have many videos on this subject -- may by now you've poked around here and on my website crappychildhoodfairy.com. I've also created a course on relationships that might be perfect for you: bit.ly/32qFEUT
I've never had a true, healthy romantic relationship. Just flings that depleted me and offered nothing of substance. I think I've lost my desire for love after dealing with so much failure and heartbreak. I'm not sure to begin healing my love life.
"and they can't fill up that special place, right at your side, where a good partner will someday stand -- just loving the crap out of you!"
It doesn’t matter. I love that. I have my theories why I do what I do. But at the end of the day all that matters is making better decisions and making the pain stop
Exactly.
How did I stumble upon this video. Very kind of you to address this topic. Sometimes with lot of determination and hope we enter into relationships only to face a mud cake in our face. Thanks for addressing such a tender subject with clarity.
Glad it was helpful!
This is a good video, but I think the stats show that even with therapy, we never totally recover from childhood imprinting. A good video to watch is The School of Life's video about "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person". None of us gets a perfect partner and that video helped me to accept and work with what I had.
Wow. This one hit me hard. It's only within the past 2 years that I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to narcissistic abuse, and exploring the source of being an enabler. I recognize that I tend to be drawn to unavailable men ...that I struggle with feeling worthy. In my healing, I certainly agree with you to consciously set boundaries, which I have done. Thank you for being so open to helping others
Yes. The lack of connection has made me need the dysfunctional connection that is mostly good but still sick. He's a victim of Narcissism and is NPD... we live in the vicious cycle but I'm awake and changing.
Something so calming and nurturing about Anna. Thank you.
What a compliment. Thanks!
I’m so sorry!
I always wondered why, when I knew better, I fell in love with a narcissist. Took me 10 years to leave that relationship. I mean I left it continuously for ten years before it was over over. I think some of it was hoping he could be saved, but he doesn’t want to change.
I really like how you flush this out. There is a subtle but important difference between saying we are attracted by default to what is familiar even though it's horrible and not at all what we want versus we want those horrible relationships to create resolution. I agree saying it the old way is a justification that is not helpful because it makes it sound like we have to stay in hell until we've learned better instead of the more empowered approach you present of making commitments to ourselves and clear choices.
YES! great summary
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna, for sharing some of your personal story with us!!
Even if your story is the only one with a happy ending - if I look at the comments here that's very likely at least in this community - it's an encouragement to keep at it and work on ourselves.
Best wishes for you and yours as well as everyone here in this community!!
I so hear you and most of those theories resonate with me. I have always said relationships are my greatest area of blindness. And you are correct, my brain always would shut down. I put a lot of it down to my all or nothing mentality, I was wrong. This has really helped me. And I love your grand theory most of all
Hiya Cavy -- thanks so much for your kind notes (responding to all here). It's the best part about all this when someone can relate. How did you recover from PTSD? What happened? If you'd prefer to PM, I'm at crappychildhoodfairy@gmail.com
thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I will sit down later today and reply properly as happy to share what i can. And i soooooo relate to you and what you have to say. thank you for having the courage to do this.
Ah, Truth! Thank you for this video. I know my relationship patterns, I recognize what gets me into hot water... what I need to do more efficiently is to create a framework of boundaries to help me avoid my favorite pitfalls. Wonderful discussion!
I would like to know about boundaries, examples of how to say no to this people, it looks like a very simple thing for many people but not for me. Another thing is I havent live my life properly, always trying to satisfy to those individuals I guess is my programming, i would like to travel or to be independent, I feel like wasting my time, how do you get to that point? I dont have too much money to pay this course, anothe cptsd consequence but I can recommend it to many people....Thank you.
I’ve had a terrible habit of being attracted to friends loving families, as if they’ll treat me like I’m one of their own and emotionally adopt me. It’s never worked. They have each other. They’re not looking for a needy 3rd wheel and therefore they are unavailable.
I get it, but you won't feel you have to do that when you've started healing. Our membership is a great start- we have a really supportive community bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I understand you. Even though I don't do it with families of friends, I binge watch series with loving families and supportive friends. I kinda wish I was part of them, for ex. part of the Baxter family in Last Man Standing
Wow, I mean, you keep hitting the ball right out of the park . You totally give legs to your ideas and get us out of a deer in the headlights paralysis . You're absolutely marvelous!
p.s. Like you I have never jibed with any therapist spanning decades . It was , " oh, I've told you something awful, and now I feel twice as bad as before!"
You are making a big difference ! Thank goodness for you !!💕💖
I appreciate that!
I wrote this equation.. 2 unstables can't make a stable..but 2 stables can make a happy life
I'm trying to solve a problem and every video I watch about this topic is like gold. I've cleared up so many questions even before the time of my therapy appointment. Thank you!
Wow, I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Absolutely!! Great advice!! Thank you! 🌹🌹🌹
in my humble opinion:
methinks people seek out what they encounter first... they find whatever they see as small children.
I feel so hurt, this guy broke my heart. I remember I stated my deal breaker to him and questioned him about it before we got together, but instead of telling me how he really felt, he kept it to himself. Months later he ended it with me. I was totally distressed and blindsided and I couldn't let it go. I asked him why and he mentioned my deal breaker (amongst other reasons). But I still don't understand why did he not say anything at the time before I got emotionally involved. I feel so betrayed... What do you do when they don't tell you the truth?
Lord have mercy , God will heal your heart. These men are predators unfortunately, I just came out of a 10 months affair.
You are an angel. I am so grateful I found your videos.
Gratitude!!! My partner is just like my dad, and my mom
So simple and straightforward yet compelling! Thanks!
Thank you right back!
Even without knowing what we want/are looking for, we must accept the pain and discomfort of that which we may not know, yet we feel is what we do not want\ have not yet found.
Perhaps we may never know.
The sadness of this is "the dark night of the soul."
It is journey.
We feel our way through.
Alone.
Sadness is feeling.
Accepting this is emotion.
By my side, just loving the crap outta me. That's what I want! 😂 Really making the most of these talks at this time. Excellent timing for me. Speaks to me very much.
Yay! Glad you hare here.
I never heard the word love in our house growing up. My dad was at time’s abusive and my mother was good at taking care of us, but it was like a job, or something she was expected to do. I have no idea what it feels like to be truly loved by someone. When I meet someone I feel good about, they never feel the same about me. I’ve had long term relationships, but we’re never truly in love, or at least I wasn’t. It’s more like good friends. Even the relationship I’m in now he says he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. He too selfish to care about anyone but himself. Maybe I’m the same and that’s the attraction and don’t realize it. Anyway I have to make a decision what road do I want to travel because this one is getting very tiring.
I'm in the same boat.... Good luck to you 💖
when I was single, good high quality girls seemed boring, but I could not understand why, and problem girls(unavailable) would drive me crazy with romantic attraction, especially if they needed saving! and I did not understand this but it was very exiting so this was my way to choose. Of course, I have paid the price.
I feel like we do this to avoid feeling reality that we felt unworthy of love in childhood. If we tell ourselves this is love, than we don’t have to deal with what it really is. For me it was realising that my caregivers saw me in pain and did nothing, so I made it mean that I was worthless. Feeling those feelings is tough, but feeling is healing and you can alter the meaning after observing this.
No matter what, the man who comes after me is my father in another body. There’s not been one man ever who’s been interested in me who hasn’t been just like him; I can be minding my own business in a room full of people, and the man most like my father is the guy that approaches me. That’s why it’s just best for me to stay alone; no matter what I do, how long I stay away from men, they’re all the same if they like me.
I also think we are attracted to unavailable people because we settle. We settle because anything is better than being alone, because we don't love ourselves. Being with someone else feels like the only chance we have of ever feeling loved.
In other words, our poor self image causes us to aim low, and to accept mediocre.
Knowing the reasons is very important ! If u could be aware if the root of ur problems ! U already healed half of it ! & Thank u for this video 🥰
Can't express enough how much your videos are helping me! I wish I could purchase the course. But not having a job currently. Though I will be willing to buy a cheapter source like a book written by you especially for the people with anxious attachment style.
We're so glad you're enjoying the videos! If you're interested, Anna does offer a free course called 'The Daily Practice', here's the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you 😊
i have a history of perusing emotionally damaged and unavailable young women. I’m 23 years old and have CPTSD. I’ve been with young women who are addicted to drugs, or single mothers or who i believed to even be narcissistic. My therapist told me that the reason i chose partners who only gave me drums of affection was because it was what my perception of love was shaped into when I was young. Setting standards and for who i’m allowing to have my heart is new to me.
we recreate what we feel familiar with, what we were primed for. not to overcome it. just because this was the context our love for another person existed in for the first time. we recreate that context because this is how we loved for the first time. and i think many of us are addicted to that love (inside ourselves). feeling love for someone else is a beautiful feeling. no matter what I do, I cannot access that kind of love in another (more healthy) context. another context always feels alien and I, as if I'm alienated from myslef, my core. when I opt for someone who treats me right, it never is that deep and I almost act like a narcissist, just judging the other person if they treat me well enough for me to stay. I have never been able to feel real deep love for someone 'normal'. because it is just not there. I opt to not hurt people and just go for a hopeless but REAL heartbreak. and I think it will always be like that.
It doesn't always have to be that! This 'Dating & Relationship' course is for you bit.ly/39sfsgZ
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's quantum physics, so scientific. See? While being abused, our heart starts beating at a certain level, sending a certain vibration throughout our body. Wer are over 75% water, just like when we throw a rock in a water that's still, it will create ripples. Our heart's vibration, the beating of our heart determines how the rest of our body vibrates, and vibration determines our frequency, and like a magnet, we attract other DAMAGED people with similar vibration. That's why when we feel that someone more damaged than us, or evil, we say he or she has a bad VIBE.
Move away from damaged people, start anew. Meditation and positive affirmations changes that negative vibration to positive ones...
It's more detailed than this, but I shortened it...
There are alot of reasons and to try to boil it down, I attract certain dynamics but I have an anxious and avoidant attachment style. I hold back, and keep things bottled up. I've started therapy before I date anyone else. I have goals and try not to repeat past mistakes.
A life-changer video. Thank you.
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow you are courageous Anna! To ask your husband if he’s open to marriage, etc......I always think I should let the man bring that up.....I might try that!
:)
Great advice. But my ex husband lied to me about being open to having kids. After we got married, he declared that he definitely does not want kids. I should have heeded the red flags along the way. Grateful I was able to leave him though.
Sorry you went through that.
Same thing happened to my friend too
For me its more physical than emotionally unavailable people. I think it’s easier to not get triggered the more space i have. So I notice i like guys that don’t live close, or work with me, guys that are often busy working, etc.
Yes, that makes sense as a coping mechanism. Hopefully, when you get better at managing triggers you won't feel you have to do that, unless you just like it and want to :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yeah i was talking about it with my mom this morning. Definitely something to work on if i want a longer lasting relationship.
I think it's in order not to get hurt Again. Last date 20+ years ago so no problems anymore
Well, this was such a valuable insight, thank you!! Yes, in the end it doesn't matter why, although the 'nerds' among us, such as myself, like to have background information.😏 I'm exactly at this point now, drawing firm lines about my categorie ' never again '. There must be a few absolutely non-negotiable. Like in my case for instance ' not another country again '. Not even a totally different environment where I have to adjust and be vulnerable to the point of being completely stuck.
This topics really resonated with me. Once again thank you for making me realize that I need to stop the pattern being attracted to unavailable people :)
Wow I can’t believe how horrible that would’ve been to lose 2 partners to drug overdose
Yes. Horrible, life-wrecking. So glad it's behind me.
Idealism in relationships, narcissism, know the relationship will not last or is possible, superficial relationships, thrill seeking eroticism or lust, etc....
Just a simple thank you for this advice… love your videos
I had a first date tonight and I got really anxious after the date and I had a panic attack I want to cry and I’m watching this to feel better
Aah, I hope you're feeling better!
I’m having one today because I’ve started liking someone I’ve been talking to and this is where it always goes wrong 😔
I am so glad I found this one! Took me a while to find it. I have started seeing a guy and we get along so well. Great connection, laughter and interests! No stress or anxiety! I like him and he likes me a lot. But, I'm struggling to find him physically attractive 😩 I feel so bad because he's not unattractive at all. Old me would have already kicked him to the curb. But im going VERY slowly. But I don't want to go too slow? It just blows my mind that I can easily "hook up" with the wrong guy.. but this guy I'm really apprehensive about intimacy. I really hate this cptsd brain! But I'm not going to screw it up or push him away. He's great and I know it. Uuugghh so frustrated with myself
@Tonya_Hacker you are a good candidate for my dating course. it's for people who are exactly in your shoes. You might want to check it out. courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy will do!!! ❤
“Loving the ‘SNOT’ out of you” just saying...
Anna, you are the bestests ever, a God Send, you are a tremendous blessing, phenomenal !!Thank You!!
Thank you for all that you are doing, your work is eternally valuable! Your video lessons have helped me enormously. With a grateful heart, Thank You !!
The SNOT is literally all gone. It worked. Thanks. :)
Just before you said the ultimate reason, I said that to myself. It doesn't matter. Accept there was dysfunction and move forward with addressing.
Definitely made me think
Hey i Thank you a lot! You help me to understand and make sense all the things. As human being i really wanna help my partner before and i can't but all i can do is always gives support and compassion. Thanks! Love indri 🙏
Glad I could help!
Wonderful tips thank you 💗
Dating seems way off as all I ever do is meet emotionally unavailable men. What about unavailable friends? I am completely on my own and don't know where to start.
@Acer, did you know I have a course that's all about healing the unavailable man problem? Please head over to courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
This is what I did, a long long time ago now. Never again. And not even friends who cant ever drink "lagom", or "forces-tjatarpå" me to drink when I dont want to (otherwise one is boring, and you feel like that too when met with that) =D Oh Gosh so many crazy things people do. with each others, until we get enough. Also people who overwork, anything, more than relate, or something else, thats too addicted behaviour (unless maybee they really have worked through it, and they show they have!) As you say, yes, we have understanding, and thats often what attracts, but if not ready, you are not there. I have made some very hard lessons, from young yrs. As many women are, I too was taught how to, "take care of, almost everything in the relation" Then, I couldnt, cause my stresslevels skyrocketed.
And... then I started listening and re-learning, and educate myself, again. Be here now, is a good start! Thanks for the reminder.
@crappychildhoodfairy thank you for this. Im slowly understanding my behaviors and patterns as im connecting the dots.
I have this person in my life. Im crazy about him but hr likes mr just not like that. I reached the conclusion a long time ago that I need to remove him from my life in order to heal properly. I had blocked him but he somehow managed to get back into my life. I allowed it in hopes that he had had some time to reflect and realise some things. But we just had a conversation the other day where he expressed that Im one of the only people he can be himself with, these conversations helps him relax and unwind and that we have a special connection. Etc etc. At the end of the conversation I realised he will get all the benefits of a relationship with me but without commiting as that is the issue (we live in different continents now but even when we lived in the same country it was the issue) So he will get what he needs while I will continue to have small hope that he will come around.
My question is this; Should I explain why we have to let go and go our seperat ways or how should I go about it? Ignore/block and Silence is something I do well but some say its immature but Im trying to evolve. So just trying to do things the right way.
Second vedio that I am watching on this channel and I find it soo relatable. I am glad their is in an explanation and way to break out as well from crazy patterns.
I'm so glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Could it be that you attract the type of person of who you are inside ? So if you haven't worked on healing your self you will continue to be with people as messed up as you or like you. and why do you have to be married to be happy ? is it necessary ? will a paper contract keep your marriage together ?
Hi Michael, I'm pretty sure I mentioned finding someone who is as unavailable as we are, as one of the ten theories in my list? And as for marriage, if you like not being married, great. My course is for people who want to be married. It's a common desire, and for those who really want it, it's pretty core to happiness. And marriage is certainly much, much more than a "paper contract," though if you're not into it, I can see how it looks that way.
Yes I am a professional choosing unavailable people
I'd rsay the reason is because we need a rational closure: someone say 'sorry' for what they did. So, we're looking for someone who's a copy of our parent and want to re-live all the toxicity but in a 'mature way' and with a 'mature person' who will this time say sorry (which to us will mean also the apology on behalf of our parent). This obviously never happens, we experience the new relationship as horrible, split and hurt. I think once we realise that, 'yes, what had hapeend in the childhood was wrong and the parent should have apologised' and 'no, he or she is not gonna!", we can move on and start the journey to a more fulfilling relationship without toxicity. What you said, Anna, about making the list is also true. But what I often failed at was reviewing the list long term and truly understanding the meaning of things... To give you an example. I once donloaded a list of dealbreakers from reddit. A VERY detailed and comprehensive list. One of the points is 'personal hygiene'. In my famil home it was an issue... my stepd. showered once a week. I was always mortified at the thought of having to have s**x with a man who'd not shower regulalry. So when I met my boyfriend, who obviously always showered when we saw each other, I was like, wow... cool :D But then we moved in together. It soon showed (when staying 24h with each other) that he also has hygiene problems, showers once in three days and only because he has to, not for the sake of himself... He then blamed me for not wanting to have 'spontaneous s**x" and for killing his desire... WOW :D And no matter how many conversations we had, with me saying that 'you shower regulalry and always keep yourself clean and we're spontanous asf', it never worked. I'm happy he's my ex now. he has a nickname at my psychoterapist: 'slob'. It's very powerful and I was surprised that my psychoteherapist 'reduced' him to that. The longer I think about it, the more I understand and value it. It's okay to reduce him to it, since it played such a big role in the relationship. Also, his hygiene habits were, so to say, inherited. I cannot underestimate the importance of looking at what their parents are like... I swore to myself, I'll never ever date a person coming from a toxic family ever again UNLESS they had been to a therapy for a longer period of time and spea positively of its results (because too many people are like, 'been there, done that,didn't work'.... and stop trying with any other solution). Dear Anna, thank you so much for your videos! :D
I'm very clear on who I will not date. You said the truth there & we waste time on the reason😊💛🎁🎇. Glad I've learned some things & thanks for the confirmation. Clarity & directness helps us all!💌🌸😉
Lol you just summed up my whole life in a video. I'm so freaking unavailable to everyone who actually likes me while falling for other unavailable people of all kinds (same sex who is not into itn opposite sex but on relationships etc) .____.
Ohh thats why i get attracted to married men. And i did fantazise all my childhood . Even now when i get attracted i fantazise been married to them. It takes a toll on my mind.
Omg this was the best series! Thank you!
Excellent!!!
Glad you like it!
So glad I found your page, this is great information. Thank you so much 🙏🏻
I was exactly the sane bc my dad is an alcoholic....and I was really good at finding a man who has and still is not an addict of any kind....BUT he was emotionally neglectful, which I didn't even know was an issue
This is so great... All of these reasons ring true to me! 😂 I'm so glad to finally be getting perspective on this 🤯🥳
Glad you enjoyed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What if he's lying about being open toarriage and being a step parent just to move forward
If you keep the relationship in the "getting to know you phase" for a LONG time (no sex) you will have the chance to get a real read on his intentions and integrity before letting him into your life. You may want to check out my dating course. I have a Valentines Day sale going on right now. Here are details: crappychildhoodfairy.com/2020/02/12/dreading-valentines-day-heres-something-to-heal-that
Thank you
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I fall in love with people's pain.
I want to help them and they can help me 🤦♀️
Perfect together happy people don't seem real to me.
I love your short haircut. You remind me so much of my sister that passed. It brings me joy to see your face. Sorry if that sounds weird lol
Thanks!
I do not like to be hurt,...I just feel it is normal...that it should be like that for me especially (but not for others) I feel uncomfortable if someone treats me in a normal loving way (I can accept love only in material way...in the way my parents treated me...and my sister also...I can offer place to live, something to eat and some clothes...but not extra gifts, makeup stuff, cosmetics or parfume (just pure basics) , compliments (just satisfaction if I do something I should do) not my time, understanding and emotional support)...I can live happily without extra material stuff (I know how to cope with not having things other people use to buy, or crave or how and where they spend their free time ..but I have never recovered from emotional unsupport/ignorance. I am working on it for so long and still seek approval to feel happy..)
I recognize a lot of what you say to be true, and yes there could be a lot more than what we initially think going on.. I do know I fall for the person who makes me feel less than... Who gives me pain, I think it's all what biological, our bodies know whats going on and we are unconsciously driven to follow, once that oxytocin kicks in I feel invincible, but there's still pain and urgency in some level
Crazy making 🙄 one thing I do know love =pain somewhere along the way
Im realizing that when we try to “protect” our children by mislabeling so that things Look different to them we are feeding them wrong information, all my life i new something was BS I am a beautiful generous loving person and I have settled for unavailable people my entire life my husband didn’t seem unavailable but i see now that he is unavailable in other ways just unable to be a partner.
It’s very easy to know why. I don’t want to be alone and I am scared. Plus, I don’t think a normal person can love me. There you go.
Try the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Can I ask if your course covers how you move forward and start dating again if you’ve stopped dating for a long time because of fear? Would working on reregulating oneself in general whilst making a conscious decision to overcome this fear make the fear less intense? (if that makes sense!)
He expressed that I wanted LTR initially. But recanted after sex. It's good to lay things down but people lie😔😔
We’re not available to ourselves. So how could we be attracted to someone else who is available to us?
Our options change dramatically when we are really doing the healing work :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes!!!
Nobody enjoys being hurt.