Mother just called to attack me verbally. She gets into these situations where she’s so overwhelmed with negative emotions that she just needs someone to verbally vomit on. All of her children are independent adults now, so she goes to the trouble to call as I’m not close enough to verbally and physically abuse. I keep answering the phone since I don’t know if I’m getting mean mother or kind mother. Thanks for these videos. They are soothing and remind me I’m not alone. 🥺
It's strange how my mother once I moved did still talk to me but usually only called when they're was drama or something depressing. Like letting us think our dad had cancer or she had my my childhood dog put to sleep. I also was very enmeshed with her when I was home and it continued after I moved... She rained down so much judgement on me when my then boyfriend and I moved in together. Nightmare. It's a living nightmare. Now she's dead and I'm trying to find some degree of closure and healing.
Right there with ya… did that for 20 years. Is it gonna be the good mom or the witch?… you never know. I recently decided to go no contact after the last explosion. It’s been 2.5 years. The only reason I’m even considering reconnecting with her is because after extensive research I now understand what BPD is and how hard it is for someone with such little self awareness and self control to contain. I believe I’ve inherited some of the traits myself but refuse to let them ruin my life and those around me. I work constantly to correct the dysfunctional tendencies. I wish she would. Best of luck to you’
Between my two sisters and myself I think we've spanned the spectrum. People in my life say, 'be in the present, don't wallow in your childhood. Live your life.' but the thing is when I try to do that, I end up subconsciously living out the idea that I'm unworthy unless I am caretaking. Then I get burnt out and have a massive depression. So even though it's tempting to let it stay buried, we can't heal without attending to the formative wounds.
Facing the wrong thought programming and trying to replace it with healthy thought patterns is the only way to leave the past and live now. It's like breaking a leg. Can't walk on it and the fixing/healing process is torture but it needs to be done to walk again.
Your worth as a person does not depend on whether or not you are giving care. God loves you unconditionally. I've been in your shoes. I've finally accepted my worth in my 40's. I've failed in all kinds of ways but my worth does not depend on it. message me if you want to know more.
They just mean don't let that define you. By all means heal, dig up, cry and process. It's a path. Do it and then let it go tho. That's not you, don't forget that. You just dig up and clean so it lets you be you and have the healthiest life possible in the present :)
Today I had a convo with my mom and really deeply payed attention. She attacks, verbally abuse and diminished me when I pointed out what she is doing she started crying and blame me and playing victim .. and finally she hang out the phone. Today I did not cry I was sad really sad but breathing and finally know everything she told me is not true is her distorted perception. It was really hard to come to this point! But I did it!!
Solidarity to you 💝. I know the feeling very well. Even as adults (myself, happily estranged now), it is not an easy path to live through having BPD mothers who do not get help for themselves… but it’s so wonderful to finally get on the other side of it and not allow ourselves to be manipulated/abused. There are so many of us; we are not alone 🫶🏼
I learned from Dr. Sage, the BPD usually will never admit to wrongdoing and it's hard to make them admit to it. Listen to the advice, try ti apply and find what works for you. You don't deserve this treatment but it is coming from mental stuff. Thank God we have some education so we try not to do what they do.
My mother hurts me so much, one minute she says disgusting things to me and the next when she feels me distancing myself she apologizes and wants closeness. It leaves me so confused and hurt, my heart is telling me to not open up to her because she’s always betraying me by hurting me emotionally. Then I end up opening and up only to get pushed away and hurt again. It’s so damaging, but im learning to heal
I think itbis important to find out in what was she CAN be a mom to you, and allow her to do those and figure out in what ways she CAN'T be a mom, and pull away from those and stop yourself from having expectations and hopes in those areas. If you can't open up to her in some areas then don't, because you will get hurt. There will be people on your life whom you can open up. I have learned that my mum can be there if I need her for practical things, like she can tell me about cooking, DIY, etc. But I can't open myself up emotionally to her, it's pointless, and I do have other people I my life for that purpose, like close friends.
I'm definitely at the point where I'm considering no contact. My mom is very verbally and emotionally abusive, even in text messages.. so I've distanced myself, especially since life is full with a husband, four kids, and then processing some grief by losing a child I just couldn't handle the extra chaos her abuse was having on me. The guilt though that I have had to wrestle with has been real. Thank you for your videos in explaining where this guilt has been coming from. I kid you not I have been feeling like a 'bad daughter" for not contacting my mom, and having no desire or interest, or capacity to.
Im in there with you. I would move 2000 miles away from my mother and even that far away her abuse would affect me in texts and calls and letters it is so toxic im still dealing with it now and im 54.
I struggled a lot with this guilt when I went no contact 5 years ago. I had just turned 18 when I had to file a restraining order. I still struggle with the guilt, but here's some things I try to keep in mind that may help you: 1. Two things can exist at once. They could've had good moments with you, but they may have also been abusive most of the time. You can appreciate and recognize the good, while also putting yourself and your family 1st due to the bad. 2. You don't need to forgive them. I personally think forgiveness is really stupid when it comes to people who fuck you over multiple times. I think a better word is acknowledgment. What really happened? Why did it happen? Who did what? Is there any way to move forward? You just need to be patient with yourself, your loved ones who are not toxic, and come to the realization that some people never will change. I've learned that it's more about accepting your circumstances, realizing that the path forward is the only mutable one, and working towards a stable, healthy future for you and your family. 3. You gave her the chances to improve. If you talked with her about it, tried to explain your side, tried to work with her, and she STILL acts like that, then that's a ✨her✨ problem, not a you problem. If you believe that you've done all you could, then you did, and you can't control how other people mentally are or react. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your child and the fact that your mom is a POS to you. I hope that things get better ❤ I'm sending you love and light 🙏
I absolutely know how you feel. Healing the mother wound with an abusive mother is not easy and I know the guilt, especially as my family now turns on me and tells me I'm being selfish and inconsiderate - I'm not, I'm just not tiptoeing around their lack of boundaries anymore. I do have to tell you you will get past the guilt and you will find eventually that you are very ok with not being in contact. Not only is it the most loving choice you can make (the best way to love both you and your mom), you will find eventually that you lose that feeling of needing her to be comfortable and ok despite the fact that she was terrible to you. You will happily stay no contact until you are ready for the relationship to change.
My mother just had a birthday and I've been considering sending her a card for it, but at this point I'm not interested in lying or sugar coating. If I do send it, I will be honest. There is love as well as hurt and anger the no contact is the form of love, and this is what opens the door for a real relationship
I appreciate your videos on this disorder. I know that my mom has this. I am 25 and once I was 18 getting into my adult years I finally understood this behavior is not right or normal. I have finally started doing research to figure out what to do because I always felt so alone and lost. Everyone else in my family just shakes it off and just deals with the on and off constant mood swings. I am stepping up and trying to figure out how to deal with this because I am done being hurt on and off I’m done with the all harsh words that have been said. It hurts so deeply and then when they are good they are there trying to be happy with you acting like it never happened. You get sick of the inconsistency and having to walk on eggshells to see what the mood is on that given day. I have felt the effects of it. Finding your videos helped me so I just wanted to say thank you 💓. I cried watching most of them because I have finally figured out what the disorder is and your videos helped me not feel alone, or guilty for wanting to set boundaries/ cut the parent off. It is a constant struggle of wanting them out of your life, but feeling guilty because on their good days they can be the best person. It is confusing. Thank you so much for your videos educating others on this 🙏🏻🙌🏻
Very true I’m 25 now too and now trying to navigate issues with my mom now as an adult and with my own kids now. I’m still hurt when new things come up and my mom thinks I’m “replacing her” or not keeping her in mind when really she is the one to isolate herself.
Oh my God we sound like we’ve lived the same life…it’s disgusting dynamic, the hurt, the confusion, identity loss is really hard to deal with..❤we can heal though, awareness is big step
Yes, the gaslighting is on , acting as it never happened, no admission or apology, on the contrary, they did it BECUSE YOU....... It's exhausting, and good for you, you have the right to a bright and happy existence, we don't bring kids to this world to control forever, ir expect them to live for us , only God has that right, so do whatever you need to do to make this right because chances are, the bod won't. And will continue to blame and guilt you. I know my sister and I tried letting out mother know that she needed help, she had her doctor offering to help but she said she would not take any medications or go to therapy, basically just saying we needed to live and adapt to her, I went no contact. My sister is psychologically stronger and has a bigger dependency on her so she's still working with that but I don't, I went through therapy to heal but if I continue allowing the BPD in it's like nothing happened. Good for you! Wish you the best, you sound like a loving and reasonable person.
We're a work in progress, I listen to these videos because they want the change and prevent making more mistakes. Keep going, take notes and put in practice. It's not easy, generational l trauma is a real thing. Dont listen to the critics look for the good advice and people who understand and support you. Because of these videos I understood the trauma bonding that was going on and helped me go no contact. It was hard I was away but guilty. I do understand the borderline mother will not and most importantly, doesn't want to change so now it's trying the deal with other family members who do not understand the no contact is necessary in my case because the boundaries are never respected and there's a lot of retaliatory actions. I am psychologically under the pain but needs to be done.
This is extremely difficult- Mom is a Christian, extremely identified with God… never overtly abusive, but there is this very disturbing “pattern “. When she was younger, tons of anger, blaming, unstable emotions, hatred for my father which, when she would notice similar mannerisms of my father in me she would distainfully point them out- she hit one of my friends, threw a hammer across the kitchen, hit us with wooden spoon, belt, accused an uncle of being “sadistic “,(which he may have been) but her focusing on it was “strange”. There is something scary about her and it’s very under the surface. She will also gaslight and as a teen and well into my 40’s I didn’t trust myself or my instincts. I live in another state now and she’s aging and I have a lot of guilt and have no idea how I’m going to manage dealing with her as she becomes unable to care for herself and her house. Even the thought of interacting with her over the phone scares me . When I’ve tried to assert myself it all gets turned around in me and I feel terrible about myself. Sometimes for days and weeks. I’m scared of her. But to the average person she just looks like a dottering little old lady with a walker and a dog. It’s frightening.
I've been through several of these relationship dynamics with my mom. She is very vocal about the fact that "we used to be so close". She is a waif-type and really leans into the helplessness as a way to manipulate people around her into doing what she wants. She also is barely able to hold in her constant sense of frustration and disdain with people around her for failing to live up to her expectations. Because I have pulled away for my own sanity, she has latched onto my adult son. He doesn't seem to notice or mind her shenanigans, and is able to laugh it off, but I just have too much baggage and emotional damage from growing up in that environment, so it really triggers me.
I cannot thank you enough for your work/videos. I have just discovered what BPD is and I too am a only child. It’s as if I am being heard/validated for the very first time in my life listening to you. I am going to sign up for your course. I just am in such gratitude for discovering you and your videos. Thank you so much ❤️🙏🏻
At last, someone that gets it! Such an incredibly lonely and painful journey. I left a wonderful life I built in another country as my mother made me feel guilty. Since coming home her toxicity has almost destroyed me. I had no idea how trauma bonded I was but the veil is lifting. I find that I am recreating this pattern with friendships and partners, which adds to the trauma. Hopefully now I've spotted the source, I will stop attracting that so much? Thank you for your work 💖 Getting there slowly but surely!
Stay strong and hopeful. I was sabotaging all of my relationships without realizing the root until I hit rock bottom and went no contact with my mother Christmas of 2019. I did some hard work and faced my past and then I met my now husband . When I finally dealt with the shame I was carrying and separated myself from it, I learned to love myself. And with that came the realization that I deserved love! When you’re ready to receive it, it comes! Praying for strength and healing in your near future. You are not alone.
i had to stop reaching out to help the hurting cos i kept running to those who weren't interested in getting better. Allow yourself time to learn to keep safe distances from people. Stay away from the kind of people who attracted you back to trauma bonding. you'll be lonely but you'll be far better off and healing. Sometimes having a partner is very overrated, especially when we're so deeply wounded.
Kim you are doing amazing work! You have helped me so much! My father an untreated narcissist, my mother an untreated BPD, I left my narcissistic husband of 23 years a year ago and Pandora’s box which had been pouring over for years finally opened up to a complete new reality of the life I had bee living. I am in treatment to help me manage the complicated grief and my CPTSD symptoms. The healing work is a daily struggle but I am a survivor. I would like to become a part of your group that you suggested you wanted to create; I am feel my lives experience is what you are looking for. Thanks
I'm grateful you were open about the effects of being raised by a borderline parent. It is very important for the children raised by BPD parents to know that so they can get ahead of it in their healing. It also will be illuminating and helpful in any connection/relationships they may engage with, if everyone learns of these dynamics and how they might play out in relationships. Thank you.
I just want to say, bless you for making these videos. So many psychologists have glanced over the source of my wounds for five years now. All this time i kept thinking there is something wrong with me and i need to figure out what and all these years therapists try to motivate me to ''think less and do more''. And all that time i kept telling them that doing that would distract me from finding out what is wrong with me and now after years i can see that i was right. That like you said in another video, yes, you have to understand your wounds and the source of them, for you to be able to heal from them. But in the mental health world psychologist are trained to react to things that has HAPPEND to the client, not to react to thing that have NOT happend. Wich is exactly what emotional neglect is about, its not about the presence of something, but the absence. I'm honestly dissapointed how youtube can offer better mental help then a payed therapist. I even followed some ex ''pick up artists'' that now purely focus on self development mainly for men and even they something give golden nuggets of advice worth more then a year of therapy. So thank you so much, your videos are truly helping me so i can help to save myself. Your work matters perhaps more then you realize, and you can be very proud of yourself. PS: Whast i meant is that i'm now pretty sure my mother has borderline. That my dad (And stepdad as well..) is that ''present but absent father''. And that this was something i experienced ON TOP of having high functioning autism that made me feel disconnected from people my whole life. I don't know why but to people like me its so vital to understand the DEPTH of how far your wounds go. Understanding that makes me understand who i actually am. You need to see a wound fully as it is and not partially for you to be able to treat it. You don't cover 70% of a wound with bandage and forget about the 30%. You don't give someone a painkiller without trying to fix the source of the pain of possible. (Ahem.. how psychiatrists give medication so easily). You don't just ''try some of the ointments i have'' on a wound but try to figure out wich one suits the type of wound. These my analogies for how mental health world is working right now -_- So ok way to long post lol, but THANKS..
Away/guilty here..we actually have a lot of contact but I feel a coldness now that I haven’t wanted to admit. I feel guilty all the time and I’m always made to feel bad when there’s an issue or anger from her side.
I am so grateful and thankful to you Dr Kim. I love saying Dr Kim instead of Dr Sage. It feels more warm and approachable. Anyway, I have been studying the Neuroscience of Trauma for over 3 years now. I've learned a tremendous amount in that time period. Clinical Psychology is one of my passions. I literally studied for over 14 hrs on some days. You and I could talk for hours about Attachment Theory/ACES/IFS/Parentified Children/CEN/ CPTSS/ ECT. I just love Healing work. I am a rare Male Empath and HSP. 😊 I stopped by to say that out of the 30 different LMFT, LCSW, PhDs and PsyD I've researched and studied under the last three years, you are one of my top three choices of scholars to follow. I love your Research/Delivery/Humility/Transparency/Authenticity/Empathy/Kindness/Sence of Humor and Tone. Dr Kim your content has given me so much healing over the last year. I thank you for that. Also, you have a lovely smile and calm healing aura about you. I am a survivor of decades of repeated violent trauma and was raised in a War Zone. I won't mention the area. tIt all happened the first twenty years of my life. Not much shocks me now. My biological mother was an undiagnosed Cluster B individual. Like you said, most onlookers around her said: "that's just her." I wished they knew that Narcissistic abuse should not be tolerated by anyone at anytime. Back in the 70s and 80s our neighbors didn't believe in earth science, let alone neuroscience, ie neurobiology, biochemistry or neurobiology. Most were trying to survive and eat one day at a time living in an active war Zone. Bless their hearts. They didn't know that saying: "just get over it, walk it off or suck it up" was NOT helpful. It was very damaging. That was an example of social GASLIGHTING. Like Bessal van der Kolk said, "The Body Keeps the Score." One can not just think themselves out of Complex Trauma State. It's a right brain experience and stored deep in the unconcious mind. The left side of the brain can not access it. There are bottom up treatments that have proven results like Yoga-Tai Chi- Qigong- Modern Dance-Acting- ECT. One day we will make all this information mainstream for hundreds of millions of people who need to know about neuroscience. Thank Goodness I went No Contact for 17 years. Emotional Flashbacks still happen, but I have an attuned trauma therapist who is patient, nonjudgemental and nurturing. I needed that after experiencing maternal abandonment rejection and shame for decades under that Female Borderline Parent. She manifested all four at different personality disorders; many times during any giving week. That was deeply destabilizing and wounding as a preteen. After moving 3,200 miles away from where the original traumas occurred, my life has gotten so much better in several areas. I committed and invested in my personal healing journey for three years. Many of your helpful healing videos contributed to my historic 2022 victories that I am blessed to have today. Two major wins are from the last three months. Aquiring the Copy Rights to 80 of my original pieces of Intellectual Property is one. Signing a Lease on my first choice Resort Community is number two. It is my forever condo while I'm in the States. It is truly a historic accomplishment for me after all that I went through for decades. It took 3 years of painstaking internal excavation. The rebuilding of my selfconcept and selfworth after decades of Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and Neglect was no easy task, but well worth it. Life is much better now that I practice Tai Chi and Qigong daily. They were healing endeavours that were unheard of in my culture growing up in the 70s and 80s. Affirmations, Mindfulness and Visualizations also contribute to my life having balance and calm in 2022. Let me just say lastly that PhDs are PHENOMINAL! Everyone listen to the ones that have invested decades into developing and researching their craft. If I lived in California, You would have been one of my top two choices for a therapist who specializes in CPTSS. Anyway, I'm thankful to have come across you warm caring temperament and Expert Research. I will continually give credit to those who helped me get on victory mountain. Today is a great day and a fantastic time for healing self discovery.
7th kind? The one who I tried to break away from 30 years ago. Financially supported but kept distance. Had to pretend to leave the country and now over the past 2 years have tried to keep my boundaries but have received 10,000 emails and 600 voicemails that I need to save her life, give her meaning, bring her close, get her face fixed, be her best friend, feed her, and have had to call police, lawyers…and she won’t pick a place to live still. Plus, refused options by my sister who isn’t good enough for her. So, where does this fit? Daily battle to keep her away from my family, get her help, break the trauma bond, and get her in an apartment in a city as so has been wandering the world for decades.
Hi Dr. Kim. I would love to hear more about the MIL/DIL dynamic and how it can affect the whole family, particularly the grandchildren/great grandchildren. I think I have it figured out that my husband may be the golden child of my MIL with BPD/NPD tendencies, and I have been her target for almost 40 years simply because I won his heart. I have always been interested in human behavior, and find this all fascinating and helpful. I will also add that I have gone no contact with her which had added a whole other dynamic. Keep it up the good work!
I feel like these are more like stages of BPD Mother/Daughter relationships, rather than types. I have experienced all of these in the course of my relationship with my mom, and, in sort of a progression that has ultimately led to no contact. 🦋
I just came across your channel. New subscriber. I have cut ties with my mother for the final time. I'm done! My mother will never get help, will never admit anything is wrong, will deny 'til the day she leaves this world and I have accepted that but have given myself permission to live and lead my own life without her mental gymnastics and mind f@#ks. I will be seeking further help to mend wounds. I just finished watching another of your videos on CPTSD which I had no idea existed and have never made the connection to my psoriatic arthritis, depression and now Type 2 Diabetes. My son thinks I may even be experiencing dissociation. Also I put myself down A LOT! Far out! I have been to therapy in the past, many sessions were based around my mother and I realised then, I was hearing my mums voice and recognised none of the history was ever my fault. I was told she very much may be Borderline back then and read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I started the healing process back then. BUT... having her in my life (in and out) has left me with new wounds and bringing up old scars. These past 5 years have been ok, got on better than most years but when she blows up, she really blows up! At my age, 46, I just can't allow that in my life anymore. I did get the chance to tell her a couple of weeks ago, All I ever wanted was a loving relationship with my mother who I can go have lunch or a coffee with, so she can have that to take with her and that helps me to move on. Saying that was more for me as I had actually cut ties over Christmas but she got in touch over my brothers ill health and I knew it wouldn't last for long, two weeks, and she hangs up on me after scolding me for having a relationship with my dad. I messaged her my final goodbyes. I the support of my son, 26 and my loving partner. They understand what I have been through. Thanks for this channel. I have shared it to my loved ones and will be checking out your other videos and resources :)
Currently in the guilt phase. It has been an extremely long road, and I appreciate your videos SOOO much. They have helped me come to terms with what I go through with my mother every day.
Away but guilty resonated so much for me. I only live a street away from my parents. I moved there so my daughter could see them more. I've not spoke to my mum for 3 weeks. The guilt just lingers even tho logically I know it's for the best cos it's eating me alive. I still talk to my dad on the phone. I make sure she's at work before I phone him. Her birthday and Mother's Day are at the end of March. I'm not sure what to do. I'll still buy her gifts n cards but don't know whether to see her. My daughter n I also spend every Christmas there but again I'm not sure what to do.
Dr. Kim, thank you very much for your amazing work! I moved to another country to be away from her. I am brazilian, and now I have been living in Ireland for at least 2 years. She hurt me in so many ways and some years ago she moved a lawsuit in the brazilian court against me. Now I know that she received a BPD diagnosis, but her therapist told me that there's nothing that she can do, because my mother has a high level of BPD and she is perverse. I did not find any channel like yours! thank you so much!
We are currently in 4 & 6. my husband takes our daughter to see my bpd mother because its too hard for me but he has to hold the boundaries that we have set and also deal with her constant need to split.
Omg!!!!! Just thank you so much for this informative video. I am so late to coming to a complete realization of growing up so messed up. I’m still not completely sure what it all is. My mother is now gone, I’m 62 years old and worried now that I may have some of this crap and my kids suffered a bit. I just don’t know and it’s difficult to know what to do at this point. My world really turned upside down when my oldest sibling reacted to my somewhat harder criticism of her behaviors by going no contact with me and blame shifting. I then started digging. I always carried huge guilt and shame from staying away from my mother. It was always hard to be around her and when I wasn’t around her, I felt like the bad child and now I’m feeling the same with my older sibling. I’m seeing things are wrong. Omg! I’m hoping I’m not sick, too, but I can’t help but have been affected by all of this without truly digging into seeing what was going on. I was so conditioned that this was my normal and I never had college, therefore, I never learned any of this stuff. I have been trying to work it all out alone with online videos. Not easy! Not easy!!!!!!! Thank you beyond, I don’t know what to do next. At my age, I keep saying I’ll just try to move forward the best I can and hope I don’t also have this. 😢
My father died when I was 15 and my mother was hospitalized and diagnosed as borderline. She’s been gone for decades and I still haven’t recovered from her emotional and physical abuse.
I am at the beginning of no contact and healing. I broke the contact so many times in im life, but after a few years always tried to fix it as...of course...i missed my mother. Now things went to bad and i raised awareness of the situation and awareness that there is no way to fix anything, unless my mother starts working in it OR i stop having needs or i stop be myself. Its a relief, but at the same time i have to face the fact, that it meens, i won't see my mother ever again (we live 4000 km apart). Its hard, but it is the only way that feels right.
My mother was never physically abusive and often times I feel like my trauma is not valid because of it. She also never cussed at me using profanities. She always expressed her disdain for me with proper grammar and without lifting a finger. That has left with with so much shame and guilt, I constantly try to do my best to be a good person, but I always feel like I am a bad person. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm worth nothing. I strongly dislike myself. And yet I feel like this suffering is not valid and it's my own fault I feel like this. I try to shove these feelings down but then I explode.
I’m trying to figure my mother out, she has some BPD symptoms like she would definitely accuse me of things that I never did and use shame on me constantly. But she was and still is very removed from me, she’s never been overly invested in my life at all, in fact she’s mostly emotionally neglectful. But as an adult, and especially since I became a mother, she’s now very kind with me and sweet. She seems pretty “normal” and differentiated, although fairly emotionally removed also.
I don't feel guilty for anything she has done. I feel sad that because she's chosen to be this way, she's missed out on many years of wonderful family fun and great memories. Ive gone no contact.
I love my borderline mom and she loves me but when she asked about moving in with her adult children was all said ‘absolutely not.’ I’ve told her before ‘you’re better as a once a week friend than a housemate because you’re so chaotic.’ Ho boy she got mad 😂😂😂😂
Thank you for mentioning men. Something I noticed as an adult. Boys that are raised by horrible, angry abusive mothers train thier little boys and when they grow up, they are transferred to another abuser. When I turned 50! I realized, why did I let her treat me horrible? It was like a light switch! I bought her everything, did everything and I was her punching bag. I don't let anybody mistreat me anymore. (But its too late for me) years of abuse, she destroyed my life. I will never get my life back. I became an advocate for boys and young men. Men are treated horrible in our culture.
#2 and #3 sound EXACTLY like me, but instead of mom, it's dad, and instead of unacknowledged bpd (which is my perspective of my mom), i would call it covert narcissistic traits...
Im the management type, I’ve created boundaries but it’s very tiring and I still carry a lot of guilt. Do you think fibromyalgia could be caused by being raised in a chaotic stressful hurtful environment? I believe I was raised by a BPD mother and an enabler father. I suffer from fibro, ocd and anxiety… from a young age I had terrible bellyaches and went to the ER to find out it was “nothing”. Today as an adult I think it is possible that my current physical pain is a result of the past pain that was inflicted on me.
Best thing you can do is accept what it is , it’s ok to not have your parents in your life or in my situation I set up boundaries where we can have a limited relationship this is how it works for me and I’ve learned to be ok with it and accept people for who they are specially if you choose to keep them in your life it’s all part of growing up
My mother had trouble adapting & resolution herself to the divorce w/ my dad. She carried anger until she died, however in her 60s she showed me paperwork stating from a therapist or psychiatrist from the time of the divorce in early 70s, stating she had BPD. This seemed to fit her behavior. She was always employed, paid bills on time, provided for us, but the most damaging issue for us was her RA GE, and hair trigger temper. It was frightening for me: youngest of all 5, alone with her 7 years after the next older sib went to college. She also spoke I'll of our father far too frequently. In despite of her wonderful attributes Her anger and ill speak about about of my dad ( no saint) the scars have been still too painfull. I cannot figure out how to out how to make to make resolution. Any advice..???
I set a boundary and my mother went on a spiral turning my phone and the only way to have it turned back on I had to hand over MY own food stamps to her. Which had nothing to do about setting a boundary. And she doesn’t see what she did was wrong and how she hurt me.
I have seen this kind of lack of insight enmeshment and trauma bond with children to a toxic father. …. Big time identical. But the male gender parent.
So, being single, 55, with no family, living paycheck to paycheck, your only option is a broken healthcare system to "care" for you. GOD help us. This journey sucks. I AM SOL! Goodbye!
Such an informative video, thank you!! Dr. Kim, I would love to know if you have any advice for someone who is actively living with their undiagnosed BPD parent and in the process of moving out.
Hi Kim, I was diagnosed with Complex -PTSD, just over a year ago. I am nearly 62 yrs old. The therapists say to, get, this, condition under control, can take anything from eighteen months to three years. And in some cases you never, fully recover?. Regards Cliff.
I’ve went no contact from my Mum to heal. I don’t feel guilty when she’s away from me but she keeps coming back. Now I feel like I’m disrespecting myself allowing her any contact even with boundaries. My question would be if she is my trigger I have CPTST that I’ve had therapy for and managing am I better to be away from her altogether?
Thank you for the amazing and educational content!! This is so important, it's hard to find help for children of borderline. It's been helping me a lot!
Ya murió....sin embargo el daño se prolongó mucho tiempo. Intento sanar, pero aún pienso que debí huir a los 7años. A propósito , tuve que mantenerla ( economicamente) hasta el final. Y a pesar que siendo adulta me independicé, terminó viviendo conmigo, es más murió en mis brazos.
Why is there nothing about sons? My grandson's mother is untreated impulsive borderline and Histrionic combination. He is trying to understand what happened and there is very little to find.
I'm an Editor/Author/Historian/Researcher/Educational Consultant. We write thousands of words a day. It's second nature us. lol Please excuse the length of the post. Have a great month.
People that have the borderline disorder are people who are highly traumatized. They can behave in a very mean manner, but they suffer horribly when they make others suffer. They have many regrets and usually they are pretty empathic, and again, they suffer enormously when they make others suffer. Usually they have suffered inimaginable abuses from a narcissistic or psycopathic parent, and that is one of the big reasons why their trauma complex develops into the characteristics of what we call borderline mental disorder. They are not bad people, they are extremely traumatized people.
I’m traumatised from my BPD mother and do not abuse others. They are only empathetic to themselves and others they feel they can relate to for my mum for example things that are defenceless, injured birds, bugs etc and innocent children. Only because she feels this is like her. Forever the victim.
@kittydonovan1452 This is the same for my mother. This is what’s so confusing to me. She appears to have such a big heart and full of love, but it’s just words to me. She’s a pathological liar and exaggerator. I’ve witnessed her lying to people right in front of me, always changing the story to make put her in a better light-or as the victim of the story. There are archetypes of this disorder yet I can see all of them in my mom-the Waif (helpless), the Hermit (fearful/avoidant), the Queen (controlling) and the Witch (sadistic). Throughout our relationship she has attacked me, said terrible things and put curses on me. She turns into a hideously horrible snake like person. It’s inconceivable the things that come out of her mouth and she is ruthless. Once she relives herself of the emotional, verbal (and when I was a child, physical) abuse, she calms down. Realizing she feels better and then cries, apologizes, tells me she loves me, tells me she’s scared to be alone, that’s no one wants to help her. She’s on state disability now and getting older. She’s fearful that she will become a ward of the state and be put into a state run nursing home. I feel pressured to take care of her and I do cover some of her bills and comforts-but I just got married to a kind man and honestly, I would never want to subject my husband to her behaviors. She might also try to pit him against me or me against him-that’s one of her tactics. I moved halfway across the country 15 years ago to start fresh. I’m stronger now and have undergone much healing, yet I still cannot have an honest conversation with her. I focused on my career and got to a place where I can finally afford to help her out-as a result, she’s pulled me back into her web. My thoughts are consumed with his to help her “fix” her life, on what I can do to make her life better. I feel terrible that’s she’s in the situation she’s in but I have to constantly remind myself that she had many opportunities to get out of her position. She threw them away. Now she’s stuck in her home alone and cannot get outside due to physical disability. My siblings approach her differently and are great at putting up walls around her. She plays favorites with me, trying to make me feel bad because I’m not like the better child-who ever that is this week. She is someone I would not be friends with or allow in my life at this stage, yet I love her. She’s my mom and I know she had a tough childhood-but she made mine terrible-yet it’s only about what was done to her, never about what she has done and continues to do to her children. We all have our own issues from this and keep a distance with her. I really wish I never had to speak to her again and I feel terrible feeling that way. I want to be free of her once and for all and not feel guilt because I love myself more than her. I feel nauseous when I think about the things she’s done and said to me over the years. It’s like my body keeps trying to tell me she’s toxic yet my heads keeps holding on to the guilt and continues to come back for more.
THIS SPACE IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!! Shocking as it may seem, sometimes, just sometimes, THEY ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER EFFING UNIVERSE!!! Let us survivors have our own damn space.
My mum never “directly hurts people” she is a kind hearted person who does suffer with bpd and has never been abusive to me or anyone BUT she has been in relationships with abusive men while I was in her care and done things in my childhood that have affected me but it wasn’t directly her fault you know? Like I struggle to blame her even though she does sometimes do things I think aren’t good, but I feel like she can’t help it? I used to CONSTANTLY defend her she could never do anything wrong until my boyfriend told me like I can’t defend her and it’s like we’re the same person we are more like friends then mother and daughter her brain is that of a teenagers I would lie for her in order to live with her even tho she was putting me in danger and I wanted to stay with her and no one else yk?
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![HEALING THE INNER CHILD: HERE'S WHAT YOU MUST DO [3 PART PROTOCOL!]](/img/tr.png)
Mother just called to attack me verbally. She gets into these situations where she’s so overwhelmed with negative emotions that she just needs someone to verbally vomit on. All of her children are independent adults now, so she goes to the trouble to call as I’m not close enough to verbally and physically abuse. I keep answering the phone since I don’t know if I’m getting mean mother or kind mother. Thanks for these videos. They are soothing and remind me I’m not alone. 🥺
Mine does the same. I can tell by the way she says hello what mood she is in, but I never know till then. Very random.
It's strange how my mother once I moved did still talk to me but usually only called when they're was drama or something depressing. Like letting us think our dad had cancer or she had my my childhood dog put to sleep. I also was very enmeshed with her when I was home and it continued after I moved... She rained down so much judgement on me when my then boyfriend and I moved in together. Nightmare. It's a living nightmare. Now she's dead and I'm trying to find some degree of closure and healing.
Right there with ya… did that for 20 years. Is it gonna be the good mom or the witch?… you never know.
I recently decided to go no contact after the last explosion. It’s been 2.5 years. The only reason I’m even considering reconnecting with her is because after extensive research I now understand what BPD is and how hard it is for someone with such little self awareness and self control to contain. I believe I’ve inherited some of the traits myself but refuse to let them ruin my life and those around me. I work constantly to correct the dysfunctional tendencies. I wish she would.
Best of luck to you’
If I had the privilege to get away from my excuse of a mom, I’d cut her off forever
Same! I’m in the exact same boat with my mother.
Between my two sisters and myself I think we've spanned the spectrum. People in my life say, 'be in the present, don't wallow in your childhood. Live your life.' but the thing is when I try to do that, I end up subconsciously living out the idea that I'm unworthy unless I am caretaking. Then I get burnt out and have a massive depression. So even though it's tempting to let it stay buried, we can't heal without attending to the formative wounds.
Facing the wrong thought programming and trying to replace it with healthy thought patterns is the only way to leave the past and live now. It's like breaking a leg. Can't walk on it and the fixing/healing process is torture but it needs to be done to walk again.
Your worth as a person does not depend on whether or not you are giving care. God loves you unconditionally. I've been in your shoes. I've finally accepted my worth in my 40's. I've failed in all kinds of ways but my worth does not depend on it. message me if you want to know more.
I cried when I read your comment. It was like you read my mind. ❤
They just mean don't let that define you. By all means heal, dig up, cry and process. It's a path. Do it and then let it go tho. That's not you, don't forget that. You just dig up and clean so it lets you be you and have the healthiest life possible in the present :)
Today I had a convo with my mom and really deeply payed attention. She attacks, verbally abuse and diminished me when I pointed out what she is doing she started crying and blame me and playing victim .. and finally she hang out the phone. Today I did not cry I was sad really sad but breathing and finally know everything she told me is not true is her distorted perception. It was really hard to come to this point! But I did it!!
Solidarity to you 💝. I know the feeling very well. Even as adults (myself, happily estranged now), it is not an easy path to live through having BPD mothers who do not get help for themselves… but it’s so wonderful to finally get on the other side of it and not allow ourselves to be manipulated/abused. There are so many of us; we are not alone 🫶🏼
I learned from Dr. Sage, the BPD usually will never admit to wrongdoing and it's hard to make them admit to it. Listen to the advice, try ti apply and find what works for you. You don't deserve this treatment but it is coming from mental stuff. Thank God we have some education so we try not to do what they do.
My mother hurts me so much, one minute she says disgusting things to me and the next when she feels me distancing myself she apologizes and wants closeness. It leaves me so confused and hurt, my heart is telling me to not open up to her because she’s always betraying me by hurting me emotionally. Then I end up opening and up only to get pushed away and hurt again. It’s so damaging, but im learning to heal
I think itbis important to find out in what was she CAN be a mom to you, and allow her to do those and figure out in what ways she CAN'T be a mom, and pull away from those and stop yourself from having expectations and hopes in those areas. If you can't open up to her in some areas then don't, because you will get hurt. There will be people on your life whom you can open up.
I have learned that my mum can be there if I need her for practical things, like she can tell me about cooking, DIY, etc. But I can't open myself up emotionally to her, it's pointless, and I do have other people I my life for that purpose, like close friends.
I'm definitely at the point where I'm considering no contact. My mom is very verbally and emotionally abusive, even in text messages.. so I've distanced myself, especially since life is full with a husband, four kids, and then processing some grief by losing a child I just couldn't handle the extra chaos her abuse was having on me. The guilt though that I have had to wrestle with has been real. Thank you for your videos in explaining where this guilt has been coming from. I kid you not I have been feeling like a 'bad daughter" for not contacting my mom, and having no desire or interest, or capacity to.
Im in there with you. I would move 2000 miles away from my mother and even that far away her abuse would affect me in texts and calls and letters it is so toxic im still dealing with it now and im 54.
I struggled a lot with this guilt when I went no contact 5 years ago. I had just turned 18 when I had to file a restraining order. I still struggle with the guilt, but here's some things I try to keep in mind that may help you:
1. Two things can exist at once. They could've had good moments with you, but they may have also been abusive most of the time. You can appreciate and recognize the good, while also putting yourself and your family 1st due to the bad.
2. You don't need to forgive them. I personally think forgiveness is really stupid when it comes to people who fuck you over multiple times. I think a better word is acknowledgment. What really happened? Why did it happen? Who did what? Is there any way to move forward? You just need to be patient with yourself, your loved ones who are not toxic, and come to the realization that some people never will change. I've learned that it's more about accepting your circumstances, realizing that the path forward is the only mutable one, and working towards a stable, healthy future for you and your family.
3. You gave her the chances to improve. If you talked with her about it, tried to explain your side, tried to work with her, and she STILL acts like that, then that's a ✨her✨ problem, not a you problem. If you believe that you've done all you could, then you did, and you can't control how other people mentally are or react.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your child and the fact that your mom is a POS to you. I hope that things get better ❤ I'm sending you love and light 🙏
@@bloodleopard3831 I'm happy it was able to help you ❤️ I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. Stay strong 💪🏻
I absolutely know how you feel. Healing the mother wound with an abusive mother is not easy and I know the guilt, especially as my family now turns on me and tells me I'm being selfish and inconsiderate - I'm not, I'm just not tiptoeing around their lack of boundaries anymore.
I do have to tell you you will get past the guilt and you will find eventually that you are very ok with not being in contact. Not only is it the most loving choice you can make (the best way to love both you and your mom), you will find eventually that you lose that feeling of needing her to be comfortable and ok despite the fact that she was terrible to you. You will happily stay no contact until you are ready for the relationship to change.
My mother just had a birthday and I've been considering sending her a card for it, but at this point I'm not interested in lying or sugar coating. If I do send it, I will be honest. There is love as well as hurt and anger the no contact is the form of love, and this is what opens the door for a real relationship
I appreciate your videos on this disorder. I know that my mom has this. I am 25 and once I was 18 getting into my adult years I finally understood this behavior is not right or normal. I have finally started doing research to figure out what to do because I always felt so alone and lost. Everyone else in my family just shakes it off and just deals with the on and off constant mood swings. I am stepping up and trying to figure out how to deal with this because I am done being hurt on and off I’m done with the all harsh words that have been said. It hurts so deeply and then when they are good they are there trying to be happy with you acting like it never happened. You get sick of the inconsistency and having to walk on eggshells to see what the mood is on that given day. I have felt the effects of it. Finding your videos helped me so I just wanted to say thank you 💓. I cried watching most of them because I have finally figured out what the disorder is and your videos helped me not feel alone, or guilty for wanting to set boundaries/ cut the parent off. It is a constant struggle of wanting them out of your life, but feeling guilty because on their good days they can be the best person. It is confusing. Thank you so much for your videos educating others on this 🙏🏻🙌🏻
You got this 💪🏻
Very true I’m 25 now too and now trying to navigate issues with my mom now as an adult and with my own kids now. I’m still hurt when new things come up and my mom thinks I’m “replacing her” or not keeping her in mind when really she is the one to isolate herself.
I agree 🙂 stay strong 🙏🏼
Oh my God we sound like we’ve lived the same life…it’s disgusting dynamic, the hurt, the confusion, identity loss is really hard to deal with..❤we can heal though, awareness is big step
Yes, the gaslighting is on , acting as it never happened, no admission or apology, on the contrary, they did it BECUSE YOU....... It's exhausting, and good for you, you have the right to a bright and happy existence, we don't bring kids to this world to control forever, ir expect them to live for us , only God has that right, so do whatever you need to do to make this right because chances are, the bod won't. And will continue to blame and guilt you. I know my sister and I tried letting out mother know that she needed help, she had her doctor offering to help but she said she would not take any medications or go to therapy, basically just saying we needed to live and adapt to her, I went no contact. My sister is psychologically stronger and has a bigger dependency on her so she's still working with that but I don't, I went through therapy to heal but if I continue allowing the BPD in it's like nothing happened.
Good for you! Wish you the best, you sound like a loving and reasonable person.
"That's just how she" "she's just crazy/an addict, etc" "don't rock the boat"... Quotes from my own family.
Yes
They just don’t want to deal with it either. It leaves us in a very hopeless place doesn’t it ?
They destroy everything they touch.
We're a work in progress, I listen to these videos because they want the change and prevent making more mistakes. Keep going, take notes and put in practice. It's not easy, generational l trauma is a real thing. Dont listen to the critics look for the good advice and people who understand and support you. Because of these videos I understood the trauma bonding that was going on and helped me go no contact. It was hard I was away but guilty. I do understand the borderline mother will not and most importantly, doesn't want to change so now it's trying the deal with other family members who do not understand the no contact is necessary in my case because the boundaries are never respected and there's a lot of retaliatory actions. I am psychologically under the pain but needs to be done.
Yes
This is extremely difficult-
Mom is a Christian, extremely identified with God… never overtly abusive, but there is this very disturbing “pattern “.
When she was younger, tons of anger, blaming, unstable emotions, hatred for my father which, when she would notice similar mannerisms of my father in me she would distainfully point them out- she hit one of my friends, threw a hammer across the kitchen, hit us with wooden spoon, belt, accused an uncle of being “sadistic “,(which he may have been) but her focusing on it was “strange”. There is something scary about her and it’s very under the surface.
She will also gaslight and as a teen and well into my 40’s I didn’t trust myself or my instincts.
I live in another state now and she’s aging and I have a lot of guilt and have no idea how I’m going to manage dealing with her as she becomes unable to care for herself and her house.
Even the thought of interacting with her over the phone scares me . When I’ve tried to assert myself it all gets turned around in me and I feel terrible about myself. Sometimes for days and weeks. I’m scared of her.
But to the average person she just looks like a dottering little old lady with a walker and a dog. It’s frightening.
Isn't it crazy how they can make you feel so bad and make you go crazy and feel afraid of her. ugh
I've been through several of these relationship dynamics with my mom. She is very vocal about the fact that "we used to be so close". She is a waif-type and really leans into the helplessness as a way to manipulate people around her into doing what she wants. She also is barely able to hold in her constant sense of frustration and disdain with people around her for failing to live up to her expectations. Because I have pulled away for my own sanity, she has latched onto my adult son. He doesn't seem to notice or mind her shenanigans, and is able to laugh it off, but I just have too much baggage and emotional damage from growing up in that environment, so it really triggers me.
It is crazy, when the abuser, makes the abused guilty..🤪😵🥴
I cannot thank you enough for your work/videos. I have just discovered what BPD is and I too am a only child. It’s as if I am being heard/validated for the very first time in my life listening to you. I am going to sign up for your course. I just am in such gratitude for discovering you and your videos. Thank you so much ❤️🙏🏻
I’m an only child too and 99.999999% sure my mom has bpd
At last, someone that gets it! Such an incredibly lonely and painful journey. I left a wonderful life I built in another country as my mother made me feel guilty. Since coming home her toxicity has almost destroyed me. I had no idea how trauma bonded I was but the veil is lifting. I find that I am recreating this pattern with friendships and partners, which adds to the trauma. Hopefully now I've spotted the source, I will stop attracting that so much? Thank you for your work 💖 Getting there slowly but surely!
Stay strong and hopeful. I was sabotaging all of my relationships without realizing the root until I hit rock bottom and went no contact with my mother Christmas of 2019. I did some hard work and faced my past and then I met my now husband . When I finally dealt with the shame I was carrying and separated myself from it, I learned to love myself. And with that came the realization that I deserved love! When you’re ready to receive it, it comes! Praying for strength and healing in your near future. You are not alone.
i had to stop reaching out to help the hurting cos i kept running to those who weren't interested in getting better. Allow yourself time to learn to keep safe distances from people. Stay away from the kind of people who attracted you back to trauma bonding. you'll be lonely but you'll be far better off and healing. Sometimes having a partner is very overrated, especially when we're so deeply wounded.
Stay away from everyone who does not respect you. If you have a bad gut feeling, stay away. I respectful friend is better than 10 disrespectful ones.
Kim you are doing amazing work! You have helped me so much! My father an untreated narcissist, my mother an untreated BPD, I left my narcissistic husband of 23 years a year ago and Pandora’s box which had been pouring over for years finally opened up to a complete new reality of the life I had bee living. I am in treatment to help me manage the complicated grief and my CPTSD symptoms. The healing work is a daily struggle but I am a survivor. I would like to become a part of your group that you suggested you wanted to create; I am feel my lives experience is what you are looking for. Thanks
I'm grateful you were open about the effects of being raised by a borderline parent. It is very important for the children raised by BPD parents to know that so they can get ahead of it in their healing. It also will be illuminating and helpful in any connection/relationships they may engage with, if everyone learns of these dynamics and how they might play out in relationships. Thank you.
Kim thank you so much for your videos. I have not seen anything else online which understands having a borderline parent this way.
I just want to say, bless you for making these videos. So many psychologists have glanced over the source of my wounds for five years now. All this time i kept thinking there is something wrong with me and i need to figure out what and all these years therapists try to motivate me to ''think less and do more''. And all that time i kept telling them that doing that would distract me from finding out what is wrong with me and now after years i can see that i was right. That like you said in another video, yes, you have to understand your wounds and the source of them, for you to be able to heal from them.
But in the mental health world psychologist are trained to react to things that has HAPPEND to the client, not to react to thing that have NOT happend. Wich is exactly what emotional neglect is about, its not about the presence of something, but the absence. I'm honestly dissapointed how youtube can offer better mental help then a payed therapist. I even followed some ex ''pick up artists'' that now purely focus on self development mainly for men and even they something give golden nuggets of advice worth more then a year of therapy.
So thank you so much, your videos are truly helping me so i can help to save myself. Your work matters perhaps more then you realize, and you can be very proud of yourself.
PS: Whast i meant is that i'm now pretty sure my mother has borderline. That my dad (And stepdad as well..) is that ''present but absent father''. And that this was something i experienced ON TOP of having high functioning autism that made me feel disconnected from people my whole life. I don't know why but to people like me its so vital to understand the DEPTH of how far your wounds go. Understanding that makes me understand who i actually am. You need to see a wound fully as it is and not partially for you to be able to treat it. You don't cover 70% of a wound with bandage and forget about the 30%. You don't give someone a painkiller without trying to fix the source of the pain of possible. (Ahem.. how psychiatrists give medication so easily). You don't just ''try some of the ointments i have'' on a wound but try to figure out wich one suits the type of wound. These my analogies for how mental health world is working right now -_-
So ok way to long post lol, but THANKS..
Away/guilty here..we actually have a lot of contact but I feel a coldness now that I haven’t wanted to admit. I feel guilty all the time and I’m always made to feel bad when there’s an issue or anger from her side.
Same
I am so grateful and thankful to you
Dr Kim. I love saying Dr Kim instead of
Dr Sage. It feels more warm and approachable.
Anyway, I have been studying the Neuroscience of Trauma for over
3 years now. I've learned a tremendous amount in that time period.
Clinical Psychology is one of my passions. I literally studied for over 14 hrs on some days. You and I could talk for hours about Attachment Theory/ACES/IFS/Parentified Children/CEN/ CPTSS/ ECT. I just love Healing work.
I am a rare Male Empath and HSP. 😊
I stopped by to say that out of the
30 different LMFT, LCSW, PhDs and PsyD I've researched and studied under the last three years, you are one of my top three choices of scholars to follow.
I love your Research/Delivery/Humility/Transparency/Authenticity/Empathy/Kindness/Sence of Humor and Tone.
Dr Kim your content has given me so much healing over the last year. I thank you for that. Also, you have a lovely smile and calm healing aura about you.
I am a survivor of decades of repeated violent trauma and was raised in a
War Zone. I won't mention the area.
tIt all happened the first twenty years of my life. Not much shocks me now. My biological mother was an undiagnosed Cluster B individual. Like you said, most onlookers around her said:
"that's just her." I wished they knew that Narcissistic abuse should not be tolerated by anyone at anytime.
Back in the 70s and 80s our neighbors didn't believe in earth science, let alone neuroscience, ie
neurobiology, biochemistry or neurobiology. Most were trying to survive and eat one day at a time living in an active war Zone. Bless their hearts. They didn't know that saying: "just get over it,
walk it off or suck it up" was NOT helpful. It was very damaging. That was an example of social GASLIGHTING.
Like Bessal van der Kolk said,
"The Body Keeps the Score."
One can not just think themselves out of Complex Trauma State. It's a right brain experience and stored deep in the unconcious mind. The left side of the brain can not access it. There are bottom up treatments that have proven results like Yoga-Tai Chi- Qigong- Modern Dance-Acting- ECT. One day we will make all this information mainstream for hundreds of millions of people who need to know about neuroscience.
Thank Goodness I went No Contact for 17 years. Emotional Flashbacks still happen, but I have an attuned trauma therapist who is patient, nonjudgemental and nurturing. I needed that after experiencing maternal abandonment rejection and shame for decades
under that Female Borderline Parent.
She manifested all four at different personality disorders; many times during any giving week. That was deeply destabilizing and wounding as a preteen.
After moving 3,200 miles away from where the original traumas occurred, my life has gotten so much better in several areas. I committed and invested in my personal healing journey for three years. Many of your helpful healing videos contributed to my historic 2022
victories that I am blessed to have today.
Two major wins are from the last three months. Aquiring the Copy Rights to
80 of my original pieces of Intellectual Property is one. Signing a Lease on my first choice Resort Community is number two. It is my forever condo while I'm in the States. It is truly a historic accomplishment for me after all that I went through for decades. It took 3 years of painstaking internal excavation.
The rebuilding of my selfconcept and selfworth after decades of Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and Neglect was no easy task, but well worth it.
Life is much better now that I practice
Tai Chi and Qigong daily. They were healing endeavours that were unheard of in my culture growing up in the 70s and 80s. Affirmations, Mindfulness and Visualizations also contribute to my life having balance and calm in 2022.
Let me just say lastly that PhDs are PHENOMINAL! Everyone listen to the ones that have invested decades into developing and researching their craft.
If I lived in California, You would have been one of my top two choices for a therapist who specializes in CPTSS.
Anyway, I'm thankful to have come across you warm caring temperament and Expert Research. I will continually give credit to those who helped me get on victory mountain.
Today is a great day and a fantastic time for healing self discovery.
Just came to do this ❤
7th kind? The one who I tried to break away from 30 years ago. Financially supported but kept distance. Had to pretend to leave the country and now over the past 2 years have tried to keep my boundaries but have received 10,000 emails and 600 voicemails that I need to save her life, give her meaning, bring her close, get her face fixed, be her best friend, feed her, and have had to call police, lawyers…and she won’t pick a place to live still. Plus, refused options by my sister who isn’t good enough for her. So, where does this fit? Daily battle to keep her away from my family, get her help, break the trauma bond, and get her in an apartment in a city as so has been wandering the world for decades.
I am adult enmeshed shifting to away and guilty and then after a few years to managed relationship for her end of life care ❤❤
Hi Dr. Kim. I would love to hear more about the MIL/DIL dynamic and how it can affect the whole family, particularly the grandchildren/great grandchildren. I think I have it figured out that my husband may be the golden child of my MIL with BPD/NPD tendencies, and I have been her target for almost 40 years simply because I won his heart. I have always been interested in human behavior, and find this all fascinating and helpful. I will also add that I have gone no contact with her which had added a whole other dynamic. Keep it up the good work!
I feel like these are more like stages of BPD Mother/Daughter relationships, rather than types. I have experienced all of these in the course of my relationship with my mom, and, in sort of a progression that has ultimately led to no contact. 🦋
My thoughts, exactly!
Why just mother daughter? You suppose sons aren’t affected by this?
I just came across your channel. New subscriber. I have cut ties with my mother for the final time. I'm done! My mother will never get help, will never admit anything is wrong, will deny 'til the day she leaves this world and I have accepted that but have given myself permission to live and lead my own life without her mental gymnastics and mind f@#ks. I will be seeking further help to mend wounds. I just finished watching another of your videos on CPTSD which I had no idea existed and have never made the connection to my psoriatic arthritis, depression and now Type 2 Diabetes. My son thinks I may even be experiencing dissociation. Also I put myself down A LOT! Far out! I have been to therapy in the past, many sessions were based around my mother and I realised then, I was hearing my mums voice and recognised none of the history was ever my fault. I was told she very much may be Borderline back then and read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I started the healing process back then. BUT... having her in my life (in and out) has left me with new wounds and bringing up old scars. These past 5 years have been ok, got on better than most years but when she blows up, she really blows up! At my age, 46, I just can't allow that in my life anymore. I did get the chance to tell her a couple of weeks ago, All I ever wanted was a loving relationship with my mother who I can go have lunch or a coffee with, so she can have that to take with her and that helps me to move on. Saying that was more for me as I had actually cut ties over Christmas but she got in touch over my brothers ill health and I knew it wouldn't last for long, two weeks, and she hangs up on me after scolding me for having a relationship with my dad. I messaged her my final goodbyes. I the support of my son, 26 and my loving partner. They understand what I have been through. Thanks for this channel. I have shared it to my loved ones and will be checking out your other videos and resources :)
Proud of you 👏🏼
Currently in the guilt phase. It has been an extremely long road, and I appreciate your videos SOOO much. They have helped me come to terms with what I go through with my mother every day.
I've literally been every one of these. This was a great video. All your videos are. Thank you. I'm definitely interested in the course! ❤
I so understand! It's very challenging. Thank you so much for sharing and for being here!:).
Sending you so much support and healing!!
This video finally makes sense about mom.
Away but guilty resonated so much for me. I only live a street away from my parents. I moved there so my daughter could see them more.
I've not spoke to my mum for 3 weeks. The guilt just lingers even tho logically I know it's for the best cos it's eating me alive.
I still talk to my dad on the phone. I make sure she's at work before I phone him.
Her birthday and Mother's Day are at the end of March. I'm not sure what to do. I'll still buy her gifts n cards but don't know whether to see her.
My daughter n I also spend every Christmas there but again I'm not sure what to do.
Dr. Kim, thank you very much for your amazing work! I moved to another country to be away from her. I am brazilian, and now I have been living in Ireland for at least 2 years. She hurt me in so many ways and some years ago she moved a lawsuit in the brazilian court against me. Now I know that she received a BPD diagnosis, but her therapist told me that there's nothing that she can do, because my mother has a high level of BPD and she is perverse. I did not find any channel like yours! thank you so much!
We are currently in 4 & 6. my husband takes our daughter to see my bpd mother because its too hard for me but he has to hold the boundaries that we have set and also deal with her constant need to split.
The perfect video for me right now in my life. Dealing with months of NC with some lingering trauma bonds. Just feeling like the bad daughter still.
What a blessing it is to find you Dr. Kim. Just hearing your explanations has been extremely validating. Thank you
Omg!!!!! Just thank you so much for this informative video. I am so late to coming to a complete realization of growing up so messed up. I’m still not completely sure what it all is. My mother is now gone, I’m 62 years old and worried now that I may have some of this crap and my kids suffered a bit. I just don’t know and it’s difficult to know what to do at this point.
My world really turned upside down when my oldest sibling reacted to my somewhat harder criticism of her behaviors by going no contact with me and blame shifting. I then started digging. I always carried huge guilt and shame from staying away from my mother. It was always hard to be around her and when I wasn’t around her, I felt like the bad child and now I’m feeling the same with my older sibling. I’m seeing things are wrong. Omg! I’m hoping I’m not sick, too, but I can’t help but have been affected by all of this without truly digging into seeing what was going on. I was so conditioned that this was my normal and I never had college, therefore, I never learned any of this stuff.
I have been trying to work it all out alone with online videos. Not easy! Not easy!!!!!!!
Thank you beyond, I don’t know what to do next. At my age, I keep saying I’ll just try to move forward the best I can and hope I don’t also have this. 😢
My father died when I was 15 and my mother was hospitalized and diagnosed as borderline. She’s been gone for decades and I still haven’t recovered from her emotional and physical abuse.
I am at the beginning of no contact and healing. I broke the contact so many times in im life, but after a few years always tried to fix it as...of course...i missed my mother.
Now things went to bad and i raised awareness of the situation and awareness that there is no way to fix anything, unless my mother starts working in it OR i stop having needs or i stop be myself.
Its a relief, but at the same time i have to face the fact, that it meens, i won't see my mother ever again (we live 4000 km apart).
Its hard, but it is the only way that feels right.
My mother was never physically abusive and often times I feel like my trauma is not valid because of it.
She also never cussed at me using profanities.
She always expressed her disdain for me with proper grammar and without lifting a finger.
That has left with with so much shame and guilt, I constantly try to do my best to be a good person, but I always feel like I am a bad person. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm worth nothing. I strongly dislike myself. And yet I feel like this suffering is not valid and it's my own fault I feel like this. I try to shove these feelings down but then I explode.
I’m trying to figure my mother out, she has some BPD symptoms like she would definitely accuse me of things that I never did and use shame on me constantly. But she was and still is very removed from me, she’s never been overly invested in my life at all, in fact she’s mostly emotionally neglectful.
But as an adult, and especially since I became a mother, she’s now very kind with me and sweet. She seems pretty “normal” and differentiated, although fairly emotionally removed also.
I don't feel guilty for anything she has done. I feel sad that because she's chosen to be this way, she's missed out on many years of wonderful family fun and great memories. Ive gone no contact.
I wish I could know what it's like to live a human life without the constant shame and guilt of being the "bad child".
I love my borderline mom and she loves me but when she asked about moving in with her adult children was all said ‘absolutely not.’ I’ve told her before ‘you’re better as a once a week friend than a housemate because you’re so chaotic.’ Ho boy she got mad 😂😂😂😂
I love your disclaimer and content this far. I have a cluster b mom too but narcissist. I worry about having children.
Thank you for mentioning men. Something I noticed as an adult. Boys that are raised by horrible, angry abusive mothers train thier little boys and when they grow up, they are transferred to another abuser. When I turned 50! I realized, why did I let her treat me horrible? It was like a light switch! I bought her everything, did everything and I was her punching bag. I don't let anybody mistreat me anymore. (But its too late for me) years of abuse, she destroyed my life. I will never get my life back. I became an advocate for boys and young men. Men are treated horrible in our culture.
@LMNM800 thank you just please try and educate as many young boys as you can. Thank you for your kind comments
#2 and #3 sound EXACTLY like me, but instead of mom, it's dad, and instead of unacknowledged bpd (which is my perspective of my mom), i would call it covert narcissistic traits...
Im the management type, I’ve created boundaries but it’s very tiring and I still carry a lot of guilt. Do you think fibromyalgia could be caused by being raised in a chaotic stressful hurtful environment? I believe I was raised by a BPD mother and an enabler father. I suffer from fibro, ocd and anxiety… from a young age I had terrible bellyaches and went to the ER to find out it was “nothing”. Today as an adult I think it is possible that my current physical pain is a result of the past pain that was inflicted on me.
Best thing you can do is accept what it is , it’s ok to not have your parents in your life or in my situation I set up boundaries where we can have a limited relationship this is how it works for me and I’ve learned to be ok with it and accept people for who they are specially if you choose to keep them in your life it’s all part of growing up
I really like how you worded this I feel the same way. I also set up boundaries limited contact. Accept people for who they are but take no BS 💯💯
6:35 this hits home- u r describing my parent
My mother had trouble adapting & resolution herself to the divorce w/ my dad. She carried anger until she died, however in her 60s she showed me paperwork stating from a therapist or psychiatrist from the time of the divorce in early 70s, stating she had BPD. This seemed to fit her behavior. She was always employed, paid bills on time, provided for us, but the most damaging issue for us was her RA GE, and hair trigger temper. It was frightening for me: youngest of all 5, alone with her 7 years after the next older sib went to college. She also spoke I'll of our father far too frequently. In despite of her wonderful attributes
Her anger and ill speak about about of my dad ( no saint) the scars have been still too painfull. I cannot figure out how to out how to make to make resolution. Any advice..???
Do you have a video for mothers who have a daughters that have BPD?
Thanks for your insights Dr. Kim
I set a boundary and my mother went on a spiral turning my phone and the only way to have it turned back on I had to hand over MY own food stamps to her. Which had nothing to do about setting a boundary. And she doesn’t see what she did was wrong and how she hurt me.
I have seen this kind of lack of insight enmeshment and trauma bond with children to a toxic father. …. Big time identical. But the male gender parent.
So, being single, 55, with no family, living paycheck to paycheck, your only option is a broken healthcare system to "care" for you. GOD help us. This journey sucks. I AM SOL! Goodbye!
Such an informative video, thank you!! Dr. Kim, I would love to know if you have any advice for someone who is actively living with their undiagnosed BPD parent and in the process of moving out.
Mom and i have never been close.
Hi Kim,
I was diagnosed with Complex -PTSD, just over a year ago. I am nearly 62 yrs old.
The therapists say to, get, this, condition under control, can take anything from eighteen months to three years. And in some cases you never, fully recover?.
Regards Cliff.
How do I find a therapist that has this knowledge regarding borderline mothers?
I’ve went no contact from my Mum to heal. I don’t feel guilty when she’s away from me but she keeps coming back. Now I feel like I’m disrespecting myself allowing her any contact even with boundaries. My question would be if she is my trigger I have CPTST that I’ve had therapy for and managing am I better to be away from her altogether?
Thank you for the amazing and educational content!! This is so important, it's hard to find help for children of borderline. It's been helping me a lot!
i was looking for the check list on the website but didn’t find it
Thanks for this.
Thank you for this video 💜🌈
Ya murió....sin embargo el daño se prolongó mucho tiempo. Intento sanar, pero aún pienso que debí huir a los 7años.
A propósito , tuve que mantenerla ( economicamente) hasta el final. Y a pesar que siendo adulta me independicé, terminó viviendo conmigo, es más murió en mis brazos.
Try getting help dealing with the NHS no friends no brother or sister. Nothing .
What is the name of the song in your intro?
What do you suggest for someone who has cervical dystonia who cannot take RX drugs? That’s suffering from domestic abuse?
Very long intro...At what point does symptom description start?
It’s 16 minutes…..I think you can do it 🙌
6:45. 🎉
Why is there nothing about sons? My grandson's mother is untreated impulsive borderline and Histrionic combination. He is trying to understand what happened and there is very little to find.
I'm an Editor/Author/Historian/Researcher/Educational Consultant.
We write thousands of words a day. It's second nature us. lol Please excuse the length of the post. Have a great month.
People that have the borderline disorder are people who are highly traumatized. They can behave in a very mean manner, but they suffer horribly when they make others suffer. They have many regrets and usually they are pretty empathic, and again, they suffer enormously when they make others suffer. Usually they have suffered inimaginable abuses from a narcissistic or psycopathic parent, and that is one of the big reasons why their trauma complex develops into the characteristics of what we call borderline mental disorder. They are not bad people, they are extremely traumatized people.
Extremely traumatized people that traumatize other people and blame you for it
I’m traumatised from my BPD mother and do not abuse others. They are only empathetic to themselves and others they feel they can relate to for my mum for example things that are defenceless, injured birds, bugs etc and innocent children. Only because she feels this is like her. Forever the victim.
@kittydonovan1452 This is the same for my mother. This is what’s so confusing to me. She appears to have such a big heart and full of love, but it’s just words to me. She’s a pathological liar and exaggerator. I’ve witnessed her lying to people right in front of me, always changing the story to make put her in a better light-or as the victim of the story. There are archetypes of this disorder yet I can see all of them in my mom-the Waif (helpless), the Hermit (fearful/avoidant), the Queen (controlling) and the Witch (sadistic).
Throughout our relationship she has attacked me, said terrible things and put curses on me. She turns into a hideously horrible snake like person. It’s inconceivable the things that come out of her mouth and she is ruthless. Once she relives herself of the emotional, verbal (and when I was a child, physical) abuse, she calms down. Realizing she feels better and then cries, apologizes, tells me she loves me, tells me she’s scared to be alone, that’s no one wants to help her.
She’s on state disability now and getting older. She’s fearful that she will become a ward of the state and be put into a state run nursing home. I feel pressured to take care of her and I do cover some of her bills and comforts-but I just got married to a kind man and honestly, I would never want to subject my husband to her behaviors. She might also try to pit him against me or me against him-that’s one of her tactics.
I moved halfway across the country 15 years ago to start fresh. I’m stronger now and have undergone much healing, yet I still cannot have an honest conversation with her.
I focused on my career and got to a place where I can finally afford to help her out-as a result, she’s pulled me back into her web. My thoughts are consumed with his to help her “fix” her life, on what I can do to make her life better. I feel terrible that’s she’s in the situation she’s in but I have to constantly remind myself that she had many opportunities to get out of her position. She threw them away. Now she’s stuck in her home alone and cannot get outside due to physical disability.
My siblings approach her differently and are great at putting up walls around her. She plays favorites with me, trying to make me feel bad because I’m not like the better child-who ever that is this week. She is someone I would not be friends with or allow in my life at this stage, yet I love her. She’s my mom and I know she had a tough childhood-but she made mine terrible-yet it’s only about what was done to her, never about what she has done and continues to do to her children. We all have our own issues from this and keep a distance with her.
I really wish I never had to speak to her again and I feel terrible feeling that way. I want to be free of her once and for all and not feel guilt because I love myself more than her. I feel nauseous when I think about the things she’s done and said to me over the years. It’s like my body keeps trying to tell me she’s toxic yet my heads keeps holding on to the guilt and continues to come back for more.
@@Christinadistefano I relate to everything you wrote. Thank you for such a good description of what this can be like.
THIS SPACE IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!! Shocking as it may seem, sometimes, just sometimes, THEY ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER EFFING UNIVERSE!!! Let us survivors have our own damn space.
💋🍸🍦
This label should be done away with. It ruins people's lives.
My mum never “directly hurts people” she is a kind hearted person who does suffer with bpd and has never been abusive to me or anyone BUT she has been in relationships with abusive men while I was in her care and done things in my childhood that have affected me but it wasn’t directly her fault you know? Like I struggle to blame her even though she does sometimes do things I think aren’t good, but I feel like she can’t help it? I used to CONSTANTLY defend her she could never do anything wrong until my boyfriend told me like I can’t defend her and it’s like we’re the same person we are more like friends then mother and daughter her brain is that of a teenagers I would lie for her in order to live with her even tho she was putting me in danger and I wanted to stay with her and no one else yk?
Trauma bond