They are not there for you ever. It is so sad, your injury will be turned into how you wronged them by getting sick and not being able to function at 100%.
I was wiped out with severe active crohns for a year which saw me have an emergency operation.. my reward for being ill, a year long affair with her supervisor..
Never knew others went through this..I'm so thankful I found Debbie!!! When I was diagnosed with cancer I had all reproductive organs removed. He was there after surgery but I could feel his awkwardness and discomfort when I came out of anesthesia. Before surgery all he could say to me, even my brother and his friends was " our sex life would never be the same" He waited for the all clear from the doctor and that very night expected sex, then shamed me for not giving in.. The guilting and shaming went on until I gave in. I quietly cried till he was done. I was so shocked when I realized he never ever saw me or heard me.. I started pulling away from him at that moment. I'm sure my pulling away and shutting down started him looking up old girlfriends. Whom he finally left me for. Deep down I was relieved.. but very devastated..
there's no true compassion, love or empathy from them. they say one thing, but do another. they antagonize. they patronize..they taunt. but in very subtle, covert and demeaning ways ways..its almost as if they're mocking you. nothing from them is genuine. most of what they say almost seems robotic and scripted. this makes them appear to be normal to people that see them in short "small talk" increments on the outside, but you (the person on the inside) know damn well they're cold, empty, insensitive monsters. ..if you have someone like this in your life. run. and run fast!! they will suck the friggin' life out of you and make you think you're crazy. they will never change. don't hope for it. don't wait for it. just go. trust me on this.
My older sister and older brother are like this.... dealing with their fake asses, empty sorry.... they hindered my growth n had me thinking I'm crazy.... what a waste of half my life thinking I'm worthless.... may they burn in hell. I feel so great figuring them out.... still having trouble with it but so happy to finally figure it out. Reclaiming my life.
Absolutely. I think they're possessed by some "thing" that watches and studies real human behavior to use as a pattern for their own in the same way one would trace an artist's work and then claim they drew the picture themselves. They have no soul it seems.
coverts are completely emotionally unavailable but will do all the tangible "things" for you so they can keep up their precious image of themselves, for themselves and for their viewing audience. Coverts can be any family member or "friend".
New Worldorder Yes! Cold and distant, so cut off from any empathy for another person but will 'do' caring things to avoid this being noticed. They have no feelings- it is so creepy.
New Worldorder. Absolutely! They have an inward rage that is hard to explain. Im not sure how they're unable to hide it for so long and from si many people.
I felt this EXACT way in my marriage. And the last straw was when we were separated... as I was contemplating what to do... and my home was broken into... and MY HUSBAND DID NOT CARE. Seriously... not one single ounce of emotion. I could have been raped or killed and it did not faze him. As the following days and weeks went on, I realized that I must have previously been living in some illusion because this was TRUTH in front of me. I confronted him about it several times and all he would say is that he isn't worried about it because it never happened. ????? There was no urgency to get a security system, nothing. Just an individual that could not care any less. And this is outside of surgeries and other heartbreaks that went down exactly as you described in this video. Being married to a covert narcissist is something that you wouldn't understand unless you've done it.
If your ex was anything like mine, he probably hired it done just to scare you and he knew you were never really in danger because he was in charge of it. It was meant to shock and terrify you, so he could mock and scorn you in his mind for leaving him. It happened to me. Repeatedly. They are nothing short of monsters.
I was battered by 2 huge male landlords, with a black eye and blood all over my face, I was instantly homeless so I begged my narc mother to let me in her house and she refused, repeatedly, until I threatened to lay on the lawn so maybe one of her neighbors might photograph my injuries. She finally let me in, flew at me in a rage, didn't speak to me and withheld pain reliever for 3 days straight. She later bodyslammed me and I became suicidal.
I can relate soo much with this. The mask falls off and u realize you married a good actor. Light dims. The production is cut off and ur standing there like wtf happend..
Ah, that is what my husband is. So, basically, I went from an overt narcissist to a covert narcissist. I have been surrounded by narcissists my entire life. I give up. I am just gonna live my own life. I am so done.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40, one of my first thoughts to myself was "maybe NOW my husband will finally love me" because he will be afraid to lose me...how sad is that? In fact, not surprising, my covert narc husband didn't feel more endeared to me at all. He told me it was really hard for HIM to be married to someone with health problems! And when I found the lump, I didn't tell him for 3 weeks because I didn't want to ruin a business trip he had been looking forward to! I think I knew deep down that he wouldn't show empathy or concern which of course he didn't. So sad.
Oh wow Andie. This is horrific. You deserved SO much better. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I hope you are okay now. I'm so glad you are out of that toxicity. xx
Thats what i thought when i was pregnant with the second...the first was an accident he wasnt ready to be a dad and other bs...this one was totally his doing, he even got me drunk that night so that i couldnt stop him....hahahaha! Since im aware of who he really is i laugh whenever the fact that he may have a heart is mentioned...especially when i see him with his new woman
Thank you Debbie for making me feel human again. I didn't know why I would always ask my husband of nearly 30 years " why do you always kick me when I'm down?" only to be gaslighted and lied to..now I know why. When I had my appendix out at age 50, he didn't call to see how the op. went. He said " But I came in and they said you were still sleeping, do I thought I'd let you rest". Never heard from him. I tried the home phone but was disconnected. Then, when he picked me up the nurse said "would you like a wheelchair to the car?" I was groggy from the pain killers they gave me and hesitated; my husband answered on my behalf " no, she'll be right" so I walked in pain. This is one of many incidents. But when I told some people they said "oh, you're just too sensitive!". I'm still with him but for a change, I am slowly allowing myself to plan an exit.
I had a heart attack in 2007, died on the operating table then revived and my Narc came into the room and said he was tired and going home. He resented having to help me while I recuperated and told me I needed to hurry and get better because this whole thing really inconvenienced him. We separated a year after I found out he and my neighbor were having an affair. I was devastated and depressed for almost 3 years. I look back and realize what and who he was and that I was really never more than a prop in his personal stage production. I am much better now and I have never looked back since I recovered.
He’s disgusting and so is “ the neighbor “ there are so many users in this world! I hope you are doing OK now . Take good care of your Heart in all matters of your life❤️
I suffered almost 9 years of this treatment by my ex girlfriend. Over 3 yrs ago, I finally left for GOOD. I still haven't even dated anyone She almost destroyed me, she was Toxic to me. Thank you for opening my eyes, ears, heart and soul Debbie Mirza. I owe you.
Yep. Mine hates the heck out of me when I get sick. You can just feel the rage. It was so confusing to me for the longest time. He told me I should just go kill myself once when I was in excruciating pain from a back injury. He said it in a cold distant emotionless voice. Maybe that doesn't sound very covert, but in most ways he is a CN. When I get sick, he just turns into a rage filled sadistic creep. It is so scary to be married to someone you can't rely on when you get sick. One time he screamed at me all the way to the doctor's office. My blood pressure was through the roof once we got there. It terrifies me that I will get seriously ill and have no one to help me. I must do what I can to get out of this long, confusing and damaging marriage.
Same thing with me, he called me a "revolting, snivelling mass" when I was ill with whirling spinning vomiting vertigo, unable to move. Wouldnt call a doctor, left me alone with 3 young children to look after. Been divorced 30 years now and cant get that phrase out of my head
my dear, I am in the same situation we must get out!!! I am also afraid that he wont help me at all and am very alone in the world we can just kep praying for strength and we ust get ourseves strong an very together and pull ourselves out of this horrible muck god bless
I had to watch this 3xs. You really nailed it! I always felt beneath my ex’s every other priority you name it her job, her sisters family her mom etc... In the few surgeries I had I had to make sure household was in order kids were taken care of food in the house ... all while trying to recuperate with little help or empathy. I got more help from my elderly Mom and sisters when I needed the help! Thanks for your straight forward talk! My Sisters always thought something was amiss, I guess I should have listened to them more decades sooner! Your videos explain a lot, Thank you so much and for your compassion!
Your intuition helps so much in this kinds of situation. You feel so much guilt to even bring this up. They shut you up with guilt with high density. I’m so thankful I found your videos and other TH-camrs who speaks about covert abuse. Thank you.
My EX never went to any surgeries I had. Thank God I had three daughters. Was pissed if I was sick and would say "are you making dinner tonight"? When I had my first grandchild my daughter had a c-section and he was so mad I had to stay with her for a week to help he called and told my daughter off that she can take care of the baby now. He was also angry the daughters started having babies and was jealous of them..lol..but if he got sick I had to cater to him..our daughters and I are past 2 yrs no contact and so happy and at peace as he was such a drama king..lol..of course Im to blame that a 37, 35 and 25 yr old daughters aren't speaking to him..like how long is he going to play that card that I'm controlling grown women and trust me I raised strong opinionated daughters..I'm so glad he is out of our lives.
Marie Presho,. Yes, it's unbelievable how we are to blame for Everything! I can take that! My kids still are struggling to stay in contact with their dad. They get hurt over and over again and struggle with his being a victim of our marriage. UGH! I maintain no contact and listen to my kids. Say nothing about him. Just try to help them with their pain. It feels like it will never end..
Lisa Hutton ..he plays the poor victim in AA with all the women..be projects everything he did to me on me..lol..hes the worst control freak I have ever met..its weird but I look back and go who was this woman. I don't know that lady I became..best part of recovery is I would see all his red flags today. ugh I feel for all these women hes coning..but like Kermit the frog says ..that's none of my business..lol..happiest I've ever been..I feel sorry for people who aren't aware of this horrible disorder.
Nancy happycamper..I first left in June 2013, went back in Sept 2013 and left again in Nov 2013 the went back in April 2014 and and left for good in April 2015 and within a month he was splashing a woman all over fb..I filed and the nightmare began..from may 2015 to Sept 2016 I had to deal with him moving his stuff out as I won everything as the judges hated his lying..Sept 2016 last contact..I was with him for 26 yrs..3 daughters and 4 grandchildren.only 1 daughter is his and they have gone no contact also.
My ex robbed my savings when I was very sick in bed all during the love bombing stage ! It wasn't until after I got well I found empty capsules of very strong sedatives hidden.He had drugged my food that he insisted I ate to get better.Im so glad I'm alive to warn others.
I'm so sorry you went through that and it's frighteningly shocking when you realise afterwards, isn't it? My nex of 27 years spent a whole week convincing me that we needed life insurance until I phoned up to make enquiries about it. It was too expensive for us and I prepared his favourite meal just so that I could break the news to him. But he seemed unconcerned about it. Two weeks later he drugged and raped me at a remote holiday cottage and then denied it had happened and claimed I'd been seriously ill and had hallucinated it. I was so confused and loved him and trusted him so much after 22 years of marriage that I very nearly believed him. I was financially dependent on him at that time and we'd moved far away from everyone I knew for his job. He kept denying it for 7 more years until he suddenly left me for his new supply. A year after he left I had a massive flashback to the incident and realised, through counselling, that my rape had been real as proven by the facts surrounding it and he had drugged me to do it. The scariest thing is that he was clearly planning to kill me, but as the life insurance didn't happen he decided to drug and rape me instead and then he enjoyed watching me struggle with the aftermath of the rape and his denial for all those years. Take care X
I totally agree, that's exactly my experience with covert narcissists. When I split with my ex husband and felt very down, my covert narc mother told me in a quiet voice- It's good that he has left you, finally he will be able to find a real woman (meaning that in my mother's eyes I was not enough a real woman. Even though my ex was a very lousy husband, it didn't matter, my mother used every moment she could to show that I was not good enough. Since then I have gone total No Contact).
Psychiatrists talk about narcissistic perverts & the perversion means sadistic,they take pleasure in hurting you & playing with the emotions they don't have
You are so on to it! You can see them so clearly. 4 years ago, one fine Tuesday when I was working my butt off in my shop I literally dropped ill with an unidentifiable virus. I spent a month in isolation in hospital and I am still disabled from this illness. My husband a covert came to the hospital every single day. Sat and held my hand for an hour every day. Went of and had sex with strangers out near the hospital every day. Sometimes both before and after coming to see me. I gave him a new stomping ground as the hospital was 40mins from home. My mum, a covert who turned overt turned up to the hospital once, you could hear her down the hallways, she never entered the room and she gave the nurses flowers and chocolates (I know this because the nurses tried to give me their flowers after she left). As I never recovered fully from the viral attack my mum began to hate me more and more. She was having huge verbally violent screaming episodes at me. In front of everyone, in shopping centres and at home. Eventually 6 months ago she did the final discard. Disowned, had enough of me and didn't want to put up with me any more. 4 years ago I was healthy, owned a 7 day a week retail shop, had a husband, a beautiful 5 bedroom home and all the materialistic things we could ever need. Now I am 41, I have cleared all the narcissists out because of my post viral disabilities. I have very little left, my whole world just melted away once I was no longer strong enough to hold it all together and provide for my husband. The CPTSD is holding me back from the outside world, but TH-cam is helping to educate me. Thank you so much Debbie for sharing your insights. You make a difference ❤️
April I am so sorry to hear your story. I'm glad you are finding help through youtube. I recently went through a similar experience though not as hard as you. Spent about 2 years with critical lowerback pains I almost become completely disabled. I was carrying a lot of responsability on my shoulders and my ex fiance was pulling away more every time. This is when I realized he wasn't right for me. I am discovering now he had many cover narcissistic traits. It is so confusing to even define it but I felt it in my gut something was sinfully wrong about his response towards my disease and the cold way he treated me. I am 6 months out of the 13 yr relationship and still suffering withdrawal but learning about this helps. I healed my back problem while still in the toxic relationship seeking natural medicine, keeping my mind focused on my healing and cure with unwavering faith. I recommend Louise Hay books on self love. It is the ultimate and most important first step for healing. Emotional disease causes physical disease. It is my wish you find healing and restore your life. Stay positive. Keep fighting. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I'm so sorry for all of us who have been through this hell. 4 years later I am finding the strength to stop engaging with the demon I thought would be with me the rest of my life. Accepting the facts makes it easier. For me that meant believing he hated me more than anything else on earth. I tried. I let him wreck 25 years of my life.
April Sunn I think our immune systems eventually break down from all the hidden rage that our bodies absorb. My mother eventually disowned me. When she died my sisters denied me access to the funeral. And I wasn’t listed in the obituary. They know no boundaries to their hidden rage. If you can find a therapist that practices Somatic Experiencing Therapy it will help you release the toxicités in your body. A therapy developed by Dr Peter Levine. It’s based on observations in the animal world. Animals can shake off trauma. This process works. There are TH-cam videos about it. My heart goes out to you. Illness is a game changer.
That is very sad. I want to suggest a couple of things to you . First pray to Jesus Christ to come into your heart. Jesus will be with everyday. Listen to Leon Fontaine on youtube to build your.spirit. Also do some self love meditations with Agnes Vivarelli here on youtube. You need God on your side.and find healing. Blessings to you .
When bad things happens to them, it´y your fault although you had nothing to do with it. When bad things happens to you, they´ll push you down for it. My lovely friend lost her baby and her mother´s only problem was, that she was not the first one to know.....it´s so disgusting.
He was wounded because i didnt care when he was having a heart attack at the age of 26! Of course it was anxiety because of stress...yea the stress of being at home with me and kid for a whole 3 weeks! Too.much reality. Hed go out every evening and everynight!
E X A C T L Y . I now look back and remember the harsh moments in my life and I had never his true and sincere support. He "was " there in the coldest and most distant way. No real attachment, no real sympathy, no love. Disgusting, yes. Vomitive. Now, years after that, years after his cruel icy discard, I see it. It's truly painful.
For a normal caring person, this is one of the hardest components to understand. Thanks. It helps to hear other people's examples. I had a whole series of narcs. I am sixty now and the last one behaved so bad I woke up at long last!
I was treated this way a lot over the last 30+ years, to the point where I was eventually so burned out that I started feeling and acting like a robot when he needed me to be a caregiver. I used to wonder if I was the real narc, but now I know it was from being burned out by subtle narc behavior. Does that make sense?
That makes total sense. People who are with narcs wonder if they themselves are. I've heard that over and over. You are definitely not alone in this. And I think many of us do become robotic in a way. It's like our body doesn't know what to do with it, because it is not clear abuse, but we are feeling the affects of it. Thank you for sharing.
Wutz4tea, there are two standards, how THEY expect to be treated, like royalty, and you, their servants. I have become a caregiver by default also after 35 years, but the abuse and entitlement have gotten worse. Meanwhile, I am not allowed to be sick or have any weaknesses, just like my childhood, taking care of 3 younger siblings. I have been considered ALL my life not to have any needs.
Sounds like my life, too...4 younger siblings, housework...later, in my marriage I have become alien to my family because of my burnng out. Because of some abusive behaviour I had to leave at a crucial time, a month and a half before his brain surgery and my grown children had to step up and are now very angry with me. He has also been a fabricator and a liar, so I have no idea what he may have said to them. They no longer speak to me. I came back home after four weeks, but they all hate me for not being able to take it any longer. It disrupted their lives, after all, they are grown and have a right to live their own lives. After his recovery, I'll be leaving for good, or he will have to move out. I'm doing relatively fine now, I have become stronger and I no longer care whether I am ever vindicated or not.
Right after the stroke in 2013, I was accused of not taking care of him properly by my older son who was also a victim of his neglect. I had my own totally ignored health problems, a variant of Crohns' disease and walking anemia because of blood loss. Despite the mistreatment I had endured over the years I was more than a good enough nurse but the abuse got worse, not better, after my kindness. I simply do not talk to him anymore except for what's absoultely necessary. He is well enough to walk to a shop every two days to buy cigarettes and some other items. He spends most of his time watching TV like a zombie or at his laptop oogling at porn. Otherwise, I take care of everything from a small pension, not easy at all. Unfortunately, we cannot split up due to his inability to be alone and also finances do not permit it. I did get my son back however who is more attuned to reality and the severe limitations of his father. The younger son does not live in the country and may have had a more realistic view of his father saying a couple years ago, "He does not care about anything". I suspect your children will finally see the light as well.
It makes perfect sense. They burn you out emotionally. It's difficult to keep giving when you get nothing but grief in return. They change who you are through their abuse. We have to protect ourselves from them- whatever it takes. We struggle to retain our humanity while they could care less that they have none.
Hi Debbie! Your vids are helping me a lot. Theres no much info about cover narcisists, even less in spanish ( Im Spanish). I feel very identified with the experiences you tell. Its very important to me the fact you speak so sweet, so slowly and your voice is so peaceful, you speak perfect english and in a way non english mother speakers can understand and follow perfectly. Thank you so much, love from Madrid
You are so welcome Veronica! That is so good to know. Thanks for the encouragement. I was just in Madrid for 2 hours in the airport. I would have loved to see the city. I took my kids to Menorca and loved it!
Thank you for validating my experiences. I could never articulate why I hated having my ex care for me while ill. This video nails what my experience was with him. It was you dont deserve to be cared for by me. I could show no weakness around him. I was raped after a miscarriage by my ex husband and then told it never happened. Thank you again your message validates so many of us. You give voice to so many.
Even when you have the flu and need to go lie down, they act as if your flu is an inconvenience. This happened to me with my ex Narc. He acted as if I deliberately decided to get sick to ruin his weekend plans. And we weren't even doing anything special except the usual grocery shopping. I left him because instead of getting angry, I got turned off to the point of disgust because they act like big babies.
The covert narcissist often jumps through hoops to help you out when you’re in deep trouble. But it’s usually a sham or more correctly a scam! You’re so amazed at the “kindness” that you lower your guard. Now you’re just easy prey for the predator. I personally have to try extra hard not to let this happen to me in India.
That's totally my husband, thank you, so very helpful for me. And he is showing himself on his facebook as he is a love butterfly, (as he is some body full of love&humanity like Rumi), as the most sensitive person, the best father, best husband, best problem solver person at his workplace.... And trying to tell his such(so called) qualifications again and again at face to face conversation like a broken record. Never let you to complete your statements about what you are thinking of or how you are feeling. Conversation with him is always one sided. He interrupts and starts telling his views again and again.
I had just given birth to our daughter via C-section and got an infection that had to be dressed (by my narc ex) every 12 hrs. I remember the day he said, as he was dressing my wound-‘I’m so sick of this.’ It was like being punched in the heart. He also made me wait until a commercial break during a football game- when I asked for him to run to the store to get me cold and flu meds. I waited a long time-no urgency or care on his part.
Marci Wolff Holy shit Marci! What you experienced is EXACTLY what I experienced except with a hysterectomy. When I had a C-section he took off to California the day after to interview for a new job. Like it couldn’t wait. Why did he need a new job? Because he was fired from the other. The boss literally had to chase him down to talk to him. The company cars were equipped with gps tracking. OMG these guys are fuckwads!!!!!!!
I was ill in bed for 16 hours after a stress induced cardiomyopathy, my ex covert narcissist never even brought me a drink of water, one of the many reasons he's my ex.
OMG, I am married to a CN and I had cardiomyopathy that led to heart failure. It was idiopathic, meaning they didn't know what caused it. I recovered with very little permanent damage, but what a weird coincidence..
It's not a coincidence. They cause so much stress and drama in the lives of others that heart problems can result if you don't recognize that you're not the problem.
Yes, I experienced it a few times and I was married to an ER Nurse..... people thought.... Oh lucky you! Not!!!! I remember coming out from surgery and he was sitting next to me , the nurse came into to take vitals, he started crying and acting like he was so upset to see me like that. But these were people he had worked with and knew him (the side he wanted them to see) and it was just a big show! As the nurse was wheeling me out to car, she said...."you are lucky, you got a good one", at the time I agreed. HA, he used my surgery to his full advantage, but really he did not like the fact, that one, it was going to cost him money, 2, I couldn"t do everything around our farm, house etc. for weeks, so he had to. I have never felt so alone and helpless in my life. This happen several times throughout our marriage, They have no empathy...but he fakes it everyday to keep up his public persona, of the great American Vet, Nurse, Dad...... Covert Narc to the T, very scary to live with.
I am sorry. I feel so bad for you. For everyone here. I feel for what your going through and I wish no one had to feel this way. You don't realize how many people are living in your shoes until you start trying to understand what and why you are and its heartbreaking that so many are. Yep; living the same thing. This person LOOKS so supportive, concerned and nurturing. Hides the bad behind the good is what I always way. I have never felt so emotionally alone in my whole life. So tired of feeling like everything is my fault because I have been treated like it is. That person has often put on a pedestal because as they do things so covertly and i am an open book. I often get the blame mostly behind my back and passively aggressively as well. I just realized today I have lived years being in the scapegoat role by several people. Until now I never realized that is how I have been living most of life. In my bio family until I got out of it and the last almost 30 years as well. I never realized that is what my situation is called or that is what I am. As someone else's scapegoat. Its like I am living this role in life and I never ever knew the name that described me until today and I am 61 years old ! I don't know if knowing is better or making me feel worse. Its been a year since your commented and I hope your situation is much better for you now Kelly.
@@winnieskinner8772 I can relate and agree with all you've said. The most sick people don't live in an asylum, they walk the streets freely unfortunately.
I was listening to this in the background while working and when you described the narcissist in the caretaking role and how they look to others but you feel their rage despite them getting you medicine etc. Like you cant help but feel bad for being sick. I got chills.. I experienced exactly this. Thank you for this video Debbie.
I was just thinking about how a person didn't react when I told I have been insulted by another when I was explaining how it has been. I was remembering years ago of a similar situation with a no doubt narcissist and thinking how they were alike and I came to the videos and you are here talking about it in the same way. The covert narcissists are the worst because they kept us tight to them for years doubting if we are being unfair when complaining about their behavior. Thank you very much for opening my eyes!!!
Yes! You can absolutely look back and see how complacent you were and what was being done that you didn't see at the time! You can see that you had been stalked etc and it's quite chilling.
I've been through illnesses and surgeries and my narc stayed as far away as possible, all the while bemoaning about how worried she was to anyone who would listen. If it hasn't changed in 40 years it never will.
jackass007ify yep same thing 30 yrs felt guilty for having accidents. He helped somewhat I felt rage somehow. Everyone thought he was handsome and amazing! When I had a seizure in public he told my daughter, “Oh God I can’t just stop work... I’m coming”.
I almost died from a serious illness, and decades later my pscho mom and my psycho brother, (her minion), still blame me for all the trouble I caused by being sick. Not only that, they actually came in and verbally attacked me for an hour while I was on my deathbed.
Your videos speak to me. I've watched a fair amount of vids about narcs, but none of them have quite described my situation. When watching your vids I find myself saying OMG I recognize that behavior! Thank you so much for taking the time to help with your vids!
I was bleeding heavily in the bathroom, there was a chance that I had cancer, I had had the blood tests and I was awaiting the results... There was a chance that I would have to put off going away for the weekend because of what was happening to me. I had some medication to make the bleeding reduce and eventually stop , so I had to wait for this to work, and I couldn't leave the house. I was worn out, I would imagine heading for anaemia, what did my covert narc do... He went shopping 10 miles away - for the afternoon, he was angry with me because I was going to spoil the weekend for him, at my friend's house down in the south west of the UK . I went that weekend because I knew he would have made my life hell if I hadn't with constant arguments etc... we went for a walk, but because I felt so weak I couldn't walk far. So I sat in the car park waiting for my friend and him and the dog to come back, whilst they walked the cliffs of this particular place...Neither he, or my 'friend' are in my life any longer...
I always always always felt confused with my dad. There was this act of love but my feelings were telling me something very different. Now I know what was going on. Thanks. your videos are being very helpful.
At what age did you start to sense your Dad's disconnection? I have preschoolers and I'm married to a covert narc who appears to be a great Dad, but there's little behind the scenes true love for them - he only reacts to but never initiates affection.
Strangely enough, my husband is an covert (shy) narcissist and everything was on target except that he seems to flurish when I'm not well, which isn't often. But when I'm not sick, he could care less about me. One time, I was walking through a park and one of some council worker guys (they take care of the city parks etc) thought it would be cute show me "something". I went home, even though I had just gotten there and husband had just come home from work and I told him about it of course. I didn't expect him to actually do anything, but some sympathy at best, because that situation could have been alot worse, because it was 3 of them and I was alone. Long story short, he got angry at me for having told him about it, because he felt like I was expecting him to do something about it. "Well, What are you telling me for?! What am I supposed to do about it?!"
The covert devaluation after surgery - yep. The narcissist wasn't there. He arranged his narcissistic mother to pick me up. She drove so badly that I almost fainted. You know - stepping on the brake. I told her to drive carefully - she stepped on the brake two times more. I was having such trouble to not faint. Horrible. The smirk and the fake apology.
Wow! Yes, absolutely! There were so many times I’ve been treated this way in the past 20yrs. I was constantly made to feel guilty during these situations especially. It didn’t matter to him how I was feeling, if I was injured or when I was sick. I would always end up feeling guilty & taking care of his needs first. Everything was always twisted around to shift the focus back onto him. Very accurate video which really explains a lot:) Thank you Debbie!
When I received a call that my father passed away my ex narc said I don't know what to do! But when his mother passed away I held him in my arms to console him 😕
I was T-boned by a car as I was traveling 55mph and I lost control of my car hitting yet another car on the opposite side of the highway. I wasnt hurt at all really and when my husband amd kids came to pick me up at the ER, he treated me as if the entire accident had been MY fault. He wasnt relieved i wasnt injured or dead. He acted pissed that he had to come pick me up. Smh. It took me years of the abuse and confusion before finally googling his behaviors and realizing what I had been dealing with this entire time. And hes a pillar of the small community we lived in as well. Classic covert narc!
Yes the victim is the one who actually knows what is going on behind the scenes. Even without words or no matter what their actions look like to others we can feel it very intensely!
My ex husband is a covert narcissist. He made me feel like less than the bottom of his shoe. To everyone else, they saw him as this great man. I’m glad there is a name for it. It’s sad honestly. I’m in therapy trying to heal from all the damage. Thanks for the video. It took a while to realize I wasn’t crazy.
Wow, This helps alot. As I look back to the birth of my children, my narc picked small fights with me in the hospital, and then told me I was to sensitive. The first days home were the same and he was to sick after each of my childrens birth to do anything to help.
Omg despised that was what I felt....thanks Debby i feel like the best friend is talking to me I made some coffee and listen to your videos...hugs my dear one
Hi Friend! :-) I loved that you made coffee and listened to my videos! Hugs to you too! Despised is a such a good word for this. I so relate. Thank you for your lovely message! xx
So familiar, but further to this, my ex narc who was a widower, told me in detail how wonderfully he looked after his dying wife,. I later learned that his wife’s family have nothing to do with him, I wonder why? Also, he knew very little about her condition, if my partner was dying I would educate myself and become as expert as possible, looking into all sorts of therapies and diets etc. he was very ignorant about it all. A totally spooky lack of empathy in private, and then suddenly in public, a display of helpfulness and concern. Very useful video, thank you
When I found out my grandmother, whom I was close with, was on her death bed, I dropped every and flew out to be with her. My narc mother never said A Word about it or how to deal with death. My Mother cried when i wouldn't bring a jug of water in from the car for her and proceeded to punish me by threatening to not drive me to see grandma in the hospital. So disturbing to come to that realization. My mom is a narc and Im the scapegoat. So sad. I have no family.
You aren't alone. I also lost my entire family due to a covert narc mother. They infect everyone around them with their pathology except for the Scapegoat. Any other "non narc infected" relatives seem to die off before we wake up to the nightmare.
My mother was a narcissist and so is my sister. My mother died, and I was never informed until I called to see how she was doing. I lived out of state. My sister at first said my mom didn't want me at her funeral , but later said the decision not to inform me was hers. Nobody even let me know she was dying. I also was always the scapegoat. My sister was the golden child.
Hey, don't worry. You're not the only one feeling like you don't have a family. I feel the same way too. Both my parents are covert narcs, and so is my brother. It's a crushing feeling, you know, to feel like no one's really got your back. I get you. I feel incredibly lonely. Heal, find someone worth you and 'create' a family, if that's what you desire. Otherwise, there are always dogs to soothe our pain.
When I was recovering from anesthesia after a C section, against doctor’s orders and against me, he put me in a sitting position to eat a jelly “so you recover faster”. Consequences were terrible, long story. They are dangerous.
This was definitely my experience when I miscarried the 1st pregnancy (planned) with the covert Narcissist at 13 weeks.For a variety of reasons after going to hospital and seeing my midwife and having a scan (l lost the baby in the toilet) I chose to not have a D and C but to complete the miscarriage at home. I asked my partner to stay home and look after me the next day as I was really week and had lost a lot of blood and he said "No you'll just clean the house all day" I left him after that..we were living together but not married.. but stupidly not knowing what he was I allowed him to pretend he had learnt his lesson but he didn't. and we got married.On the day our first child was born and we got into our garage after driving home from the hospital 6 hrs after the birth,He turned off the motor and said in really cold flat voice. "Its not a boy".As you can imagine it only got worse from there until I finally left him 6 years later.
I was in hospital for 8 days. My stbnxh would only come and visit if I asked him to. He would say i will come and see you if you want. You just need to say so. I felt that was so off I decided not to ask him to come see me and just spent the time alone, which was better than him sitting there trying to pick a fight. Looking back he did the same for my brothers wedding. We had everything ready to go. Then 10 minutes before we left he decided he didn't want to go. So I went alone with the kids. 15 minutes after I left for the 4 hour car journey he rang and told me he would come with me if I begged him to. Ugh! Creep.
Thank you so much Debbie for posting this wonderful video!! Hs bizarre rage-filled reaction to me being sick is the first big clue I had that something was off with my CN ex-bf! Of all the information out on the Internet about malignant narcissism , there is very little about how narcissists react to the illness/injuries of their significant others!
Wow. Didn't expect the triggering. My next relationship, I want empathy and love. I've only been with narcissists. I've struggled through every illness or injury alone. I'm going to be 58 next month.
Took care of my ex grilfriend through broken bones and numerous illnesses. At one point I was going through a period of severe vertigo. Due to a prior blood problem I was sent to the ER for a scan. Checking for a potential stroke. I was treated as a complete inconvenience and left at the hospital. I had no idea she had dropped me off and just left without even telling me. Fortunately, the vertigo was due only to a inner ear problem. The pain of being treated with such disregard hurt me so deep I can't tell you.
OMG, yes! Whenever I’ve been sick, my husband has always just completely ignored me. He would walk in and out of the bedroom, never asking how I was or if I needed anything. He, literally, just ignored me. One time, when I was lying on the kitchen floor, suddenly sick from nausea, he said, “WHAT did you do to yourself?!” and then, he just walked off, leaving me there on the kitchen floor and completely ignoring me for the next 24 hours while I was sick.
They are very very cold. Av had to be amitted several coz of the condition I suffer from he would want me discharged quickly coz he would say I was intefering with his work. Once he had to go away for three days to attend to some work while I was lying in hospital. He was always in a hurry whenever he would come see me telling the people who were visiting to keep me company. He simply avoided me and he has continued to do so todate. He told one child while they were buying drugs for me that he was tired of doing so. This affected the boy who was 11 then seven years ago todate. It affected his school work coz the teachers would notice he was staring in space alot in class. Now I know he is the scape goat coz the father has subbotaged his progress not caring whether he succeeds or not. He is a very talented boy but the father is making sure that he doesnt thrive.
Thank you and yes, I do deserve so much better!!! Everybody does... this non solicited abuse is so hard to deal with,I'm preparing to leave but he's ex law enforcement and quite frankly he's told me that he's mean, and I believe him. Christmas day no phone call even until after 9pm... I'm thankful that I've found these videos. I'll never truly understand the twisted mindset but it's all good because I don't want to be like these devils. Thanks again!
Probably he was pissed off that she didn't "function" to serve him, when she was injured. And he had to make some efforts, to take care of her. It's so shocking and very repulsive. And very sad.
Correct. My ex narc was angry and hated me because he had crushed my soul to a pulp and, I wasn't able to serve him anymore, due to exhaustion.I needed him to care, really needed some sympathy.Nope. He was angry that I wasn't able to perform.
I was attacked by dogs, legs all ripped up, couldn't walk for a week. Agonising pain. It was like I'd inconvenienced her, barely any enquiry of how I was doing. She only once asked 'how are the legs?'
My ex got pissed at me for not giving him the appreciation that he wanted and “deserved” for moving to a bigger house. He did most of the packing and packed the pod. We had hired out for the big things. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Then when i had the baby via c-section the following week. He went to work that day instead of staying at the hospital due to it being his first day at the school. He got a teaching position. Then after we (me & baby) got home from the hospital and got pissed or went into a rage after a couple of days. It was because i hadn't unpacked the boxes in living room and arranged the furniture. He thought i should be able to do that while home on maternity. I also had a 10 yr old froma prev rel to care for. I started noticing that after the baby was born, my ex was no longer interested in me or my older son. I filed about 6 months later.
Here is another exhausting game the narcissist plays. Anytime you are hurting, minor or major, they don't really care at all. My covert narcissist would always play the game of "one-up-man-ship" and would have to change the topic to her and how she had "it worse" in some way. The conversation always turned to her in one way, shape, or form. It was like she just couldn't allow someone to get compassion at all. It made you feel like your pain wasn't allowed ever. SHE always had it worse and would turn the sympathy to her. It happened all the time and I mean all the time, in private or in public. The covert narc is my mother-in-law and she did it even in my doctor's appointment when I was pregnant, even in the delivery room!
Oh my goodness! I never did understand why my ex made me feel like garbage when I got sick, and seemed to be trying to punish me by going "on strike" and letting the house go to ruin while I was laid up in bed!
I lost consciousness (possible seizure disorder)and he took great care of me. But later when he was discarding me he said not that he was afraid to lose me or anything like that but "it felt like too much responsibility". That hurt.
They go through the motions but don’t care. If he got sick he would have me go beyond in all ways, but I always felt I couldn’t get sick or hurt for long. Trust
Overt's are much easier to spot because their behaviour is so obvious. Covert's certainly fly under the radar as such they seem the most dangerous. I even wonder now if I have some around that I still haven't spotted.
3 trips to the hospital for ruptured ovarian cysts, drove myself, finally after many fights (I didn’t know what I was dealing with) third time he finally did drive me only because he probably realized I better come through this time. I have mountains of examples that adhere to every example you listed in this video I am definitely with a covert narc not an overt one may I add to the list that they are usually quite interested in sex? I’ll have to put the money aside but I’m going on your website right now to look into the coaching so glad I found you wish it would have been sooner
Thankyou for sharing. I especially appreciated hearing about how your children will treat you too. I've been through absolute hell with my ex husband and now grown children. Once I finally got away from a family of vultures , my son dealt more overt emotional abuse than I could've ever imagined. I'm still trying to recover as it's only recently been that I do not tolerate even one word anymore. I cant akd if it means I sit here alone day after day then that's what it is. I must stick to my boundaries and it's been a very hard road
I experienced this all throughout my childhood with my mother who could not stand to see me getting any attention unless it was negative attention If i was ill or needed support in any way she would throw petrol on the flames to make sure i had to struggle & go through the pain alone, She could not show me any care whatsoever & often told me how much she hated me being there & wanted me out of her house as soon as i was old enough to fend for myself. She would not come to visit me when I was in hospital after i was attacked off a stranger & I had to have plastic surgery on my face & 2 teeth punched out , she sent a message to me saying i probably deserved it.........when i was 6 years old her husband was caught trying to rape me & she told me do not look to her for any pity because I will not get any.. so i grew up with a mother who hated the very thought of doing anything nice for me, she wanted to see my struggle & got her kicks from it. so yeah i know these sort of people who want all the care & attention for them self but cannot give it to their own child. People are strange....
They don’t know what Love ❤️ is. They are too Black hearted to care. Ohhhhh but they want you to be there for them, but the tables are turned they are no where to be found.🤬😤.
Great video. Thanks for explaining that lack of caring they exhibit when your going through hard times. I actually recognize these traits in a lot of people.
Yep!! Right on! Was there constantly at every turn for my ex girl to the point where I was helping bathing her and when I got sick, the only time in four years. ( You said it) she came by but acted like in her attitude that I had to pay some way for taking up her time so she can go get her nails done with her mother. She stayed for about thirty minutes, ( she was on her phone for that time) then left and I took care of myself... I later found out from her brother that she made it clear to everyone that she made sure she went out of her way to come by and help me when I was sick because I had no one to help me. Which is not true at all and it make sense on how she was texting me that day.
How about this: They PRETEND to care. Then they go on and on about themselves and how they are way sicker or have worse health conditions than you do. They always have to be the center of the universe.
you are so right. Thank you for this video. As my narc broke my hand and I had to go to the hospital he was very agitated, yelled at me that I was ruining his weekend.
Oh my goodness this really hit home! I have so many examples of this. Acting like he is the best nurse on earth. He would get me anything I wanted...if I asked for it and if he was not too “busy”. I had C Diff once. It is a horrid thing to go through. He would not take time out of his busy schedule to take care of me. I had 2 toddlers in the house! I could go on and on. Thank you for this. I am just discovering what my husband is after being together for 24 years. A VERY Covert Narcissist. Your video validated me. Thank you
After 10 years of saving the life of my partner, and believing they would stick by me in times of illness, I’ve gotten quite the rude awakening. Your pain and suffering are boring distractions for the cn, taking away from the attention they could be receiving elsewhere. Its true when I have a sick kid, a dying animal, a dying father, brother etc...it’s just NOT about the narc, therefore very irritating for them. Even small kids have more empathy
I must write more. After first surgery (all three were on abdominal) I had a traditional cut on my belly. It wasn't even a full day after the operation, the cut was very fresh. I was strictly forbidden from moving etc. I needed care at that time and also just normal human behaviour like a simple smile. He told me he has to leave to run some errands. Then his mother called and he realised I know now he lied to me, it turned out he just wanted to go for dinner to his parents. I wasn't sure what's going on. I asked what is it all about so he started a fight, triggering me, saying mean things, shouting etc. until he hurt me emotionally so badly that I broke down, crying and shouting (his fav tactic btw). My wound started to weep. I got high temperature. He told me that I asked for it and left to see his abusive mommy and daddy. He did almost similar thing after the second surgery. He was always the most discontent and aggresive when I was feeling weak, like on my periods. I couldn't understand that. Now I finally do. This marriage was a nightmare. I don't know why it took me so long to realise that I married a monster.
He always makes me feel as if I’m lying or pretending when I’m sick or feel tired without saying a single word. I don’t know how he does that but it’s what I feel.
I spent 3 days helping my gf move, on the 3rd evening I offered to take one more car load before I finally went home to do my uni assignment , she replied 'you've done more than enough'. The next day she called me complaining that I'd accepted her answer too easily.
I’m so glad this isn’t just me! I got a phone call at 3 am to go to the hospital and when I got there my beloved dad was dead. Gone. I text my boyfriend who was at home, no reply. Eventually drove home shaking and sobbing. HE DIDNT EVEN GET OUT OF BED TO GIVE ME A HUG. He left me alone crying in the dark in the living room. Got up the next day and went to work as if nothing had happened. I put my back out doing gardening and couldn’t move was in so much pain and really scared. He agreed to take me to the hospital, he ignored my pain got on the bed which I couldn’t get on I could only stand, and asked me to take a photo of him he could post on social media. When we got home again he went out knowing I couldn’t even get to the toilet by myself and my daughter had to help me. Uuuuuugh. And as you say, my mother is just the same. Growing up if I was hurt I’d never call my mum always my dad.
Read the comments below: We all have falling ill in common? All who speak on NARCs tell us about their abilty to make people sick or be the cause of our demise. We need to protect our minds and person; Immediately! SMH
Oh my God you couldn’t be more right about this! I was married to a covert narcissist for almost 30 years and every single time I was vulnerable in any way he would literally not care! When I was in labour giving birth after I given birth to my children he did not want to help even though he did especially in front of people! When I lost my father and I was sitting in front of my computer sobbing at song he used to like, he literally walked straight past me, didn’t even touch me on the shoulder nothing! And when I had surgery I was told I wasn’t allowed to lift anything and yet when we got to the car he just got in so that I had to pick my heavy case up and put it in the boot myself. When I said to him I’m not really allowed to pick things up he got upset and sulky and didn’t speak to me all the way home! Finding out what my husband was after 28 years of marriage was utterly devastating! I always knew there was something wrong but I never knew what it was, then when I found covert narcissist on the internet he ticked all the boxes! I sobbed for three days! It is the most shocking disturbing and soul destroying thing when you realise you have participated in a relationship with someone who literally has never cared about you at all, let alone loved you! Thankfully I am away from him now and have been for three years, but yes I look back still on incidents that’s happened and I see them with fresh open eyes! Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me angry, but mostly just makes me grateful that I finally managed to escape from him which in itself was not easy and took almost 2 years!! Covert narcissist do not like it when you leave them....
This and many other videos are so helpful. Victims need a barrage of information on what is happening g to them, or has happened. It takes repeated sources and variations of the descriptions of this disorder.. no matter what it is called.. and how it look and feels to targets, and how it affects them. Because much narc behavior is very subliminal and manipulative it is very difficult to pinpoint and deal with. Thanks for this video. It addresses a specific behavior of narcs that is especially cruel and insidious.
I had a miscarriage and he said it was my fault because I didn’t take care of myself ... in front of the shocked ambulance guy. He couldn’t care less what the bastard doctor did to me. He never cherished me - you are right. Zero tenderness or emotion - just mechanically going through the motions to pretend he’s taking care of me, but full of rage and anger to make you pay . The roles are always reversed - if they need you, you’re there 100% to fight for their medical care, to make sure they get the best. If you need them, then somehow it’s your fault and you should feel guilty because somehow you caused your own suffering and he’ll just turn a blind eye to whatever way the doctors misbehave because he couldn’t care less to try to protect you when you are down. ( horrible narc male doctor who performed D&C - he should lose his license.) They do punish you and resent you .... yes the same with the covert narc who raised me.
Yep! This has happened to me so many times, 27 years!! I have been trying to fit the pieces together for a few years now and I’m fitting them together and I’m thankful for these videos.
They are not there for you ever. It is so sad, your injury will be turned into how you wronged them by getting sick and not being able to function at 100%.
Tami White yes! That’s how I felt and I didn’t want to tell anyone! I thought I was losing my mind and I probably was!
That's exactly what happened with me . I never really understood until recently . They run away Al of them.
My mom and brother blamed me for almost dying of a serious illness. Like it was MY FAULT THAT I GOT SICK!! 😳
He blamed me for my sickness which he caused.... I’d get sick every time I would eat or drink my food 💀... these demons have no soul ....
I was wiped out with severe active crohns for a year which saw me have an emergency operation.. my reward for being ill, a year long affair with her supervisor..
Like being starved to death by a very gracious host.
Miss Jaszmine Oh my god this has to be one of the most amazing descriptions of a covert narcissist I’ve ever heard!
Perfect analogy! I will never forget it!
Very well said Jaszmine! One of the best descriptions of a covert narcissist!
Excellent Analogy! God bless you!
After 1 year of a 3 year friend turning into a 3 ring circus, i realized i have been around them a lot
Never knew others went through this..I'm so thankful I found Debbie!!! When I was diagnosed with cancer I had all reproductive organs removed. He was there after surgery but I could feel his awkwardness and discomfort when I came out of anesthesia. Before surgery all he could say to me, even my brother and his friends was " our sex life would never be the same" He waited for the all clear from the doctor and that very night expected sex, then shamed me for not giving in.. The guilting and shaming went on until I gave in. I quietly cried till he was done. I was so shocked when I realized he never ever saw me or heard me.. I started pulling away from him at that moment. I'm sure my pulling away and shutting down started him looking up old girlfriends. Whom he finally left me for. Deep down I was relieved.. but very devastated..
He sounds horrible. Please consider leaving him. Love and light to you.
that's a perfect example of how it does go. I am so sorry for your pain...I can feel that would be a deep down pain re that scenario.
That's horrible. He's a monster, and I'm sorry you had to suffer that.
@@gisele2926 She said the bastard left her for an old girlfriend.
I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. Don't give your love to someone who doesn't love you.
there's no true compassion, love or empathy from them.
they say one thing, but do another.
they antagonize. they patronize..they taunt. but in very subtle, covert and demeaning ways ways..its almost as if they're mocking you.
nothing from them is genuine. most of what they say almost seems robotic and scripted. this makes them appear to be normal to people that see them in short "small talk" increments on the outside, but you (the person on the inside) know damn well they're cold, empty, insensitive monsters.
..if you have someone like this in your life. run. and run fast!! they will suck the friggin' life out of you and make you think you're crazy.
they will never change. don't hope for it. don't wait for it. just go.
trust me on this.
artsy 33
Spot on!
Female covert Narcs are worse believe them!
My older sister and older brother are like this.... dealing with their fake asses, empty sorry.... they hindered my growth n had me thinking I'm crazy.... what a waste of half my life thinking I'm worthless.... may they burn in hell. I feel so great figuring them out.... still having trouble with it but so happy to finally figure it out. Reclaiming my life.
Absolutely. I think they're possessed by some "thing" that watches and studies real human behavior to use as a pattern for their own in the same way one would trace an artist's work and then claim they drew the picture themselves. They have no soul it seems.
coverts are completely emotionally unavailable but will do all the tangible "things" for you so they can keep up their precious image of themselves, for themselves and for their viewing audience. Coverts can be any family member or "friend".
Chris Watts.
Absolutely true
Or a mother!
I am a covert narcissistist . I don't have friends ,i don't understand , my feelings is weak
Very true. That's something that was off right from the start with the ex.
Coverts are very very cold distant people but the 'nice guy' mask must stay in place. You feel the cold rage.
New Worldorder Yes! Cold and distant, so cut off from any empathy for another person but will 'do' caring things to avoid this being noticed. They have no feelings- it is so creepy.
New Worldorder. Absolutely! They have an inward rage that is hard to explain. Im not sure how they're unable to hide it for so long and from si many people.
New Worldorder So true!!
I use to call his "moods", cold stew/silent brew, before I became aware of narc abuse.
Love it!
I felt this EXACT way in my marriage. And the last straw was when we were separated... as I was contemplating what to do... and my home was broken into... and MY HUSBAND DID NOT CARE. Seriously... not one single ounce of emotion. I could have been raped or killed and it did not faze him. As the following days and weeks went on, I realized that I must have previously been living in some illusion because this was TRUTH in front of me. I confronted him about it several times and all he would say is that he isn't worried about it because it never happened. ????? There was no urgency to get a security system, nothing. Just an individual that could not care any less. And this is outside of surgeries and other heartbreaks that went down exactly as you described in this video. Being married to a covert narcissist is something that you wouldn't understand unless you've done it.
If your ex was anything like mine, he probably hired it done just to scare you and he knew you were never really in danger because he was in charge of it. It was meant to shock and terrify you, so he could mock and scorn you in his mind for leaving him. It happened to me. Repeatedly. They are nothing short of monsters.
I was battered by 2 huge male landlords, with a black eye and blood all over my face, I was instantly homeless so I begged my narc mother to let me in her house and she refused, repeatedly, until I threatened to lay on the lawn so maybe one of her neighbors might photograph my injuries. She finally let me in, flew at me in a rage, didn't speak to me and withheld pain reliever for 3 days straight. She later bodyslammed me and I became suicidal.
@@frugalfrugal1307 "Dirty John"
I can relate soo much with this. The mask falls off and u realize you married a good actor. Light dims. The production is cut off and ur standing there like wtf happend..
Ah, that is what my husband is. So, basically, I went from an overt narcissist to a covert narcissist. I have been surrounded by narcissists my entire life. I give up. I am just gonna live my own life. I am so done.
In India, we have a idiom, it says "Quite waters are usually deeper". It's so relevant to the covert narcissists.
*quiet
Similar saying in America. Still waters run deep......not with a narc, means they are plotting.
Quite waters kan also be dead.
Amen!!!
Placidity lookout !
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40, one of my first thoughts to myself was "maybe NOW my husband will finally love me" because he will be afraid to lose me...how sad is that? In fact, not surprising, my covert narc husband didn't feel more endeared to me at all. He told me it was really hard for HIM to be married to someone with health problems!
And when I found the lump, I didn't tell him for 3 weeks because I didn't want to ruin a business trip he had been looking forward to! I think I knew deep down that he wouldn't show empathy or concern which of course he didn't. So sad.
Oh wow Andie. This is horrific. You deserved SO much better. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I hope you are okay now. I'm so glad you are out of that toxicity. xx
😢💕🍀
So sad.I am sorry that this has happened to you.I hope you are better now and in a better place, because you deserve it.
The same EXACT thing happened to me. It is devastating.
Thats what i thought when i was pregnant with the second...the first was an accident he wasnt ready to be a dad and other bs...this one was totally his doing, he even got me drunk that night so that i couldnt stop him....hahahaha! Since im aware of who he really is i laugh whenever the fact that he may have a heart is mentioned...especially when i see him with his new woman
Thank you Debbie for making me feel human again. I didn't know why I would always ask my husband of nearly 30 years " why do you always kick me when I'm down?" only to be gaslighted and lied to..now I know why. When I had my appendix out at age 50, he didn't call to see how the op. went. He said " But I came in and they said you were still sleeping, do I thought I'd let you rest". Never heard from him. I tried the home phone but was disconnected. Then, when he picked me up the nurse said "would you like a wheelchair to the car?" I was groggy from the pain killers they gave me and hesitated; my husband answered on my behalf " no, she'll be right" so I walked in pain. This is one of many incidents. But when I told some people they said "oh, you're just too sensitive!". I'm still with him but for a change, I am slowly allowing myself to plan an exit.
All they think about is that you won’t be there to wait on them hand and foot. Disgusting
So true. The ex husband was the nice guy, yet we were a portrait family. We meant nothing to him.
I had a heart attack in 2007, died on the operating table then revived and my Narc came into the room and said he was tired and going home. He resented having to help me while I recuperated and told me I needed to hurry and get better because this whole thing really inconvenienced him. We separated a year after I found out he and my neighbor were having an affair.
I was devastated and depressed for almost 3 years. I look back and realize what and who he was and that I was really never more than a prop in his personal stage production.
I am much better now and I have never looked back since I recovered.
Perfect profile of a CN..
He’s disgusting and so is “ the neighbor “ there are so many users in this world! I hope you are doing OK now . Take good care of your Heart in all matters of your life❤️
@@EastCoastGal66 Thank you! ❤
I suffered almost 9 years of this treatment by my ex girlfriend. Over 3 yrs ago, I finally left for GOOD. I still haven't even dated anyone She almost destroyed me, she was Toxic to me. Thank you for opening my eyes, ears, heart and soul Debbie Mirza. I owe you.
You're so welcome Harland. Take good care of yourself.
Yep. Mine hates the heck out of me when I get sick. You can just feel the rage. It was so confusing to me for the longest time. He told me I should just go kill myself once when I was in excruciating pain from a back injury. He said it in a cold distant emotionless voice. Maybe that doesn't sound very covert, but in most ways he is a CN. When I get sick, he just turns into a rage filled sadistic creep. It is so scary to be married to someone you can't rely on when you get sick. One time he screamed at me all the way to the doctor's office. My blood pressure was through the roof once we got there. It terrifies me that I will get seriously ill and have no one to help me. I must do what I can to get out of this long, confusing and damaging marriage.
Make a plan to extricate yourself from this situation and stick to it.
Same thing with me, he called me a "revolting, snivelling mass" when I was ill with whirling spinning vomiting vertigo, unable to move. Wouldnt call a doctor, left me alone with 3 young children to look after. Been divorced 30 years now and cant get that phrase out of my head
my dear, I am in the same situation we must get out!!! I am also afraid that he wont help me at all and am very alone in the world we can just kep praying for strength and we ust get ourseves strong an very together and pull ourselves out of this horrible muck god bless
I had to watch this 3xs. You really nailed it! I always felt beneath my ex’s every other priority you name it her job, her sisters family her mom etc... In the few surgeries I had I had to make sure household was in order kids were taken care of food in the house ... all while trying to recuperate with little help or empathy. I got more help from my elderly Mom and sisters when I needed the help! Thanks for your straight forward talk! My Sisters always thought something was amiss, I guess I should have listened to them more decades sooner! Your videos explain a lot, Thank you so much and for your compassion!
David Muse , wow so unbelievable there are so many people experiencing these forms of abuse. My heart goes out to you all.
You are so welcome David. I'm so pleased these videos are helping. Thank you for your kind words.
Your intuition helps so much in this kinds of situation. You feel so much guilt to even bring this up. They shut you up with guilt with high density. I’m so thankful I found your videos and other TH-camrs who speaks about covert abuse. Thank you.
My EX never went to any surgeries I had. Thank God I had three daughters. Was pissed if I was sick and would say "are you making dinner tonight"? When I had my first grandchild my daughter had a c-section and he was so mad I had to stay with her for a week to help he called and told my daughter off that she can take care of the baby now. He was also angry the daughters started having babies and was jealous of them..lol..but if he got sick I had to cater to him..our daughters and I are past 2 yrs no contact and so happy and at peace as he was such a drama king..lol..of course Im to blame that a 37, 35 and 25 yr old daughters aren't speaking to him..like how long is he going to play that card that I'm controlling grown women and trust me I raised strong opinionated daughters..I'm so glad he is out of our lives.
Marie Presho,. Yes, it's unbelievable how we are to blame for Everything! I can take that! My kids still are struggling to stay in contact with their dad. They get hurt over and over again and struggle with his being a victim of our marriage. UGH! I maintain no contact and listen to my kids. Say nothing about him. Just try to help them with their pain. It feels like it will never end..
Lisa Hutton ..he plays the poor victim in AA with all the women..be projects everything he did to me on me..lol..hes the worst control freak I have ever met..its weird but I look back and go who was this woman. I don't know that lady I became..best part of recovery is I would see all his red flags today. ugh I feel for all these women hes coning..but like Kermit the frog says ..that's none of my business..lol..happiest I've ever been..I feel sorry for people who aren't aware of this horrible disorder.
Marie Presho Hi, and how long were you married and how long have u been narc free?......
Nancy happycamper..I first left in June 2013, went back in Sept 2013 and left again in Nov 2013 the went back in April 2014 and and left for good in April 2015 and within a month he was splashing a woman all over fb..I filed and the nightmare began..from may 2015 to Sept 2016 I had to deal with him moving his stuff out as I won everything as the judges hated his lying..Sept 2016 last contact..I was with him for 26 yrs..3 daughters and 4 grandchildren.only 1 daughter is his and they have gone no contact also.
My ex robbed my savings when I was very sick in bed all during the love bombing stage ! It wasn't until after I got well I found empty capsules of very strong sedatives hidden.He had drugged my food that he insisted I ate to get better.Im so glad I'm alive
to warn others.
Oh my god I hope you told police , that's HORRIBLE
Holy crap, I'm glad you ate here to tell the tale
I'm so sorry you went through that and it's frighteningly shocking when you realise afterwards, isn't it? My nex of 27 years spent a whole week convincing me that we needed life insurance until I phoned up to make enquiries about it. It was too expensive for us and I prepared his favourite meal just so that I could break the news to him. But he seemed unconcerned about it. Two weeks later he drugged and raped me at a remote holiday cottage and then denied it had happened and claimed I'd been seriously ill and had hallucinated it. I was so confused and loved him and trusted him so much after 22 years of marriage that I very nearly believed him. I was financially dependent on him at that time and we'd moved far away from everyone I knew for his job. He kept denying it for 7 more years until he suddenly left me for his new supply. A year after he left I had a massive flashback to the incident and realised, through counselling, that my rape had been real as proven by the facts surrounding it and he had drugged me to do it. The scariest thing is that he was clearly planning to kill me, but as the life insurance didn't happen he decided to drug and rape me instead and then he enjoyed watching me struggle with the aftermath of the rape and his denial for all those years. Take care X
Thanks for sharing. I am out of harm now, but constantly suspected a similar scenario in my life.
Thank you for the warning!
Wow.
One of the best things ive ever heard.
Starved to death by a gracious host.
Bravo.
You all
collectively
are saving my LIFE.
I totally agree, that's exactly my experience with covert narcissists. When I split with my ex husband and felt very down, my covert narc mother told me in a quiet voice- It's good that he has left you, finally he will be able to find a real woman (meaning that in my mother's eyes I was not enough a real woman. Even though my ex was a very lousy husband, it didn't matter, my mother used every moment she could to show that I was not good enough. Since then I have gone total No Contact).
OMG...! These people are beyond creepy...!good for you going no contact....we all need to purge them out of our soul graces! 🦋🦋🦋
Me too, I’m so sorry 😢
I really can't understand how mother can talk like this to her daughter.
Psychiatrists talk about narcissistic perverts & the perversion means sadistic,they take pleasure in hurting you & playing with the emotions they don't have
jeremy widgery
I SWEAR my ex LOVED when I was upset or in pain. I thought I was crazy thinking that but it’s real. 😣
Psychiatrists learned everything they know about the mind from Psychologists.
You are so on to it! You can see them so clearly. 4 years ago, one fine Tuesday when I was working my butt off in my shop I literally dropped ill with an unidentifiable virus. I spent a month in isolation in hospital and I am still disabled from this illness. My husband a covert came to the hospital every single day. Sat and held my hand for an hour every day. Went of and had sex with strangers out near the hospital every day. Sometimes both before and after coming to see me. I gave him a new stomping ground as the hospital was 40mins from home. My mum, a covert who turned overt turned up to the hospital once, you could hear her down the hallways, she never entered the room and she gave the nurses flowers and chocolates (I know this because the nurses tried to give me their flowers after she left). As I never recovered fully from the viral attack my mum began to hate me more and more. She was having huge verbally violent screaming episodes at me. In front of everyone, in shopping centres and at home. Eventually 6 months ago she did the final discard. Disowned, had enough of me and didn't want to put up with me any more. 4 years ago I was healthy, owned a 7 day a week retail shop, had a husband, a beautiful 5 bedroom home and all the materialistic things we could ever need. Now I am 41, I have cleared all the narcissists out because of my post viral disabilities. I have very little left, my whole world just melted away once I was no longer strong enough to hold it all together and provide for my husband. The CPTSD is holding me back from the outside world, but TH-cam is helping to educate me. Thank you so much Debbie for sharing your insights. You make a difference ❤️
April I am so sorry to hear your story. I'm glad you are finding help through youtube. I recently went through a similar experience though not as hard as you. Spent about 2 years with critical lowerback pains I almost become completely disabled. I was carrying a lot of responsability on my shoulders and my ex fiance was pulling away more every time. This is when I realized he wasn't right for me. I am discovering now he had many cover narcissistic traits. It is so confusing to even define it but I felt it in my gut something was sinfully wrong about his response towards my disease and the cold way he treated me. I am 6 months out of the 13 yr relationship and still suffering withdrawal but learning about this helps. I healed my back problem while still in the toxic relationship seeking natural medicine, keeping my mind focused on my healing and cure with unwavering faith. I recommend Louise Hay books on self love. It is the ultimate and most important first step for healing. Emotional disease causes physical disease. It is my wish you find healing and restore your life. Stay positive. Keep fighting. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I'm so sorry for all of us who have been through this hell. 4 years later I am finding the strength to stop engaging with the demon I thought would be with me the rest of my life. Accepting the facts makes it easier. For me that meant believing he hated me more than anything else on earth. I tried. I let him wreck 25 years of my life.
I am so very sorry, you have suffered like this....but I am so happyyou have found Debbies work, to give you the strength to navigate it. Namaste xo
April Sunn I think our immune systems eventually break down from all the hidden rage that our bodies absorb. My mother eventually disowned me. When she died my sisters denied me access to the funeral. And I wasn’t listed in the obituary. They know no boundaries to their hidden rage.
If you can find a therapist that practices Somatic Experiencing Therapy it will help you release the toxicités in your body. A therapy developed by Dr Peter Levine.
It’s based on observations in the animal world. Animals can shake off trauma. This process works.
There are TH-cam videos about it.
My heart goes out to you. Illness is a game changer.
That is very sad. I want to suggest a couple of things to you . First pray to Jesus Christ to come into your heart. Jesus will be with everyday. Listen to Leon Fontaine on youtube to build your.spirit. Also do some self love meditations with Agnes Vivarelli here on youtube. You need God on your side.and find healing. Blessings to you .
When bad things happens to them, it´y your fault although you had nothing to do with it. When bad things happens to you, they´ll push you down for it. My lovely friend lost her baby and her mother´s only problem was, that she was not the first one to know.....it´s so disgusting.
He was wounded because i didnt care when he was having a heart attack at the age of 26! Of course it was anxiety because of stress...yea the stress of being at home with me and kid for a whole 3 weeks! Too.much reality. Hed go out every evening and everynight!
Qaaaa
E X A C T L Y . I now look back and remember the harsh moments in my life and I had never his true and sincere support. He "was " there in the coldest and most distant way. No real attachment, no real sympathy, no love. Disgusting, yes. Vomitive. Now, years after that, years after his cruel icy discard, I see it. It's truly painful.
For a normal caring person, this is one of the hardest components to understand. Thanks. It helps to hear other people's examples. I had a whole series of narcs. I am sixty now and the last one behaved so bad I woke up at long last!
I was treated this way a lot over the last 30+ years, to the point where I was eventually so burned out that I started feeling and acting like a robot when he needed me to be a caregiver. I used to wonder if I was the real narc, but now I know it was from being burned out by subtle narc behavior. Does that make sense?
That makes total sense. People who are with narcs wonder if they themselves are. I've heard that over and over. You are definitely not alone in this. And I think many of us do become robotic in a way. It's like our body doesn't know what to do with it, because it is not clear abuse, but we are feeling the affects of it. Thank you for sharing.
Wutz4tea, there are two standards, how THEY expect to be treated, like royalty, and you, their servants. I have become a caregiver by default also after 35 years, but the abuse and entitlement have gotten worse. Meanwhile, I am not allowed to be sick or have any weaknesses, just like my childhood, taking care of 3 younger siblings. I have been considered ALL my life not to have any needs.
Sounds like my life, too...4 younger siblings, housework...later, in my marriage I have become alien to my family because of my burnng out. Because of some abusive behaviour I had to leave at a crucial time, a month and a half before his brain surgery and my grown children had to step up and are now very angry with me. He has also been a fabricator and a liar, so I have no idea what he may have said to them. They no longer speak to me. I came back home after four weeks, but they all hate me for not being able to take it any longer. It disrupted their lives, after all, they are grown and have a right to live their own lives. After his recovery, I'll be leaving for good, or he will have to move out. I'm doing relatively fine now, I have become stronger and I no longer care whether I am ever vindicated or not.
Right after the stroke in 2013, I was accused of not taking care of him properly by my older son who was also a victim of his neglect. I had my own totally ignored health problems, a variant of Crohns' disease and walking anemia because of blood loss. Despite the mistreatment I had endured over the years I was more than a good enough nurse but the abuse got worse, not better, after my kindness. I simply do not talk to him anymore except for what's absoultely necessary. He is well enough to walk to a shop every two days to buy cigarettes and some other items. He spends most of his time watching TV like a zombie or at his laptop oogling at porn. Otherwise, I take care of everything from a small pension, not easy at all.
Unfortunately, we cannot split up due to his inability to be alone and also finances do not permit it. I did get my son back however who is more attuned to reality and the severe limitations of his father. The younger son does not live in the country and may have had a more realistic view of his father saying a couple years ago, "He does not care about anything". I suspect your children will finally see the light as well.
It makes perfect sense. They burn you out emotionally. It's difficult to keep giving when you get nothing but grief in return. They change who you are through their abuse. We have to protect ourselves from them- whatever it takes. We struggle to retain our humanity while they could care less that they have none.
Hi Debbie! Your vids are helping me a lot. Theres no much info about cover narcisists, even less in spanish ( Im Spanish). I feel very identified with the experiences you tell. Its very important to me the fact you speak so sweet, so slowly and your voice is so peaceful, you speak perfect english and in a way non english mother speakers can understand and follow perfectly. Thank you so much, love from Madrid
You are so welcome Veronica! That is so good to know. Thanks for the encouragement. I was just in Madrid for 2 hours in the airport. I would have loved to see the city. I took my kids to Menorca and loved it!
Thank you for validating my experiences. I could never articulate why I hated having my ex care for me while ill. This video nails what my experience was with him. It was you dont deserve to be cared for by me. I could show no weakness around him. I was raped after a miscarriage by my ex husband and then told it never happened. Thank you again your message validates so many of us. You give voice to so many.
I'm so glad it validated it for you Tami. Thank you for your message. Sending you SO much love xx
Even when you have the flu and need to go lie down, they act as if your flu is an inconvenience. This happened to me with my ex Narc. He acted as if I deliberately decided to get sick to ruin his weekend plans. And we weren't even doing anything special except the usual grocery shopping. I left him because instead of getting angry, I got turned off to the point of disgust because they act like big babies.
My whole family . It is devastatingly painful.
The covert narcissist often jumps through hoops to help you out when you’re in deep trouble. But it’s usually a sham or more correctly a scam! You’re so amazed at the “kindness” that you lower your guard. Now you’re just easy prey for the predator. I personally have to try extra hard not to let this happen to me in India.
That's totally my husband, thank you, so very helpful for me. And he is showing himself on his facebook as he is a love butterfly, (as he is some body full of love&humanity like Rumi), as the most sensitive person, the best father, best husband, best problem solver person at his workplace.... And trying to tell his such(so called) qualifications again and again at face to face conversation like a broken record. Never let you to complete your statements about what you are thinking of or how you are feeling. Conversation with him is always one sided. He interrupts and starts telling his views again and again.
Filiz Özen
Know that one!
You nailed it. I could never explain this. I get the 'annoyed' feeling from my narc, every time.
That's probably your instincts kicking in. Every time I get that sinking feeling, I know there's something bad coming.
I had just given birth to our daughter via C-section and got an infection that had to be dressed (by my narc ex) every 12 hrs. I remember the day he said, as he was dressing my wound-‘I’m so sick of this.’
It was like being punched in the heart. He also made me wait until a commercial break during a football game- when I asked for him to run to the store to get me cold and flu meds. I waited a long time-no urgency or care on his part.
Oh my gosh! That is so horrible! I'm so sorry Marci, you deserve SO much better! xx
Marci Wolff
Holy shit Marci! What you experienced is EXACTLY what I experienced except with a hysterectomy.
When I had a C-section he took off to California the day after to interview for a new job. Like it couldn’t wait. Why did he need a new job? Because he was fired from the other. The boss literally had to chase him down to talk to him. The company cars were equipped with gps tracking.
OMG these guys are fuckwads!!!!!!!
I was ill in bed for 16 hours after a stress induced cardiomyopathy, my ex covert narcissist never even brought me a drink of water, one of the many reasons he's my ex.
OMG, I am married to a CN and I had cardiomyopathy that led to heart failure. It was idiopathic, meaning they didn't know what caused it. I recovered with very little permanent damage, but what a weird coincidence..
It's not a coincidence. They cause so much stress and drama in the lives of others that heart problems can result if you don't recognize that you're not the problem.
Yes, I experienced it a few times and I was married to an ER Nurse..... people thought.... Oh lucky you! Not!!!! I remember coming out from surgery and he was sitting next to me , the nurse came into to take vitals, he started crying and acting like he was so upset to see me like that. But these were people he had worked with and knew him (the side he wanted them to see) and it was just a big show! As the nurse was wheeling me out to car, she said...."you are lucky, you got a good one", at the time I agreed. HA,
he used my surgery to his full advantage, but really he did not like the fact, that one, it was going to cost him money, 2, I couldn"t do everything around our farm, house etc. for weeks, so he had to. I have never felt so alone and helpless in my life. This happen several times throughout our marriage, They have no empathy...but he fakes it everyday to keep up his public persona, of the great American Vet, Nurse, Dad...... Covert Narc to the T, very scary to live with.
I'm married to a covert narc. And your right there very scary to live with. 😟
I am sorry. I feel so bad for you. For everyone here. I feel for what your going through and I wish no one had to feel this way. You don't realize how many people are living in your shoes until you start trying to understand what and why you are and its heartbreaking that so many are. Yep; living the same thing. This person LOOKS so supportive, concerned and nurturing. Hides the bad behind the good is what I always way. I have never felt so emotionally alone in my whole life. So tired of feeling like everything is my fault because I have been treated like it is. That person has often put on a pedestal because as they do things so covertly and i am an open book. I often get the blame mostly behind my back and passively aggressively as well. I just realized today I have lived years being in the scapegoat role by several people. Until now I never realized that is how I have been living most of life. In my bio family until I got out of it and the last almost 30 years as well. I never realized that is what my situation is called or that is what I am. As someone else's scapegoat. Its like I am living this role in life and I never ever knew the name that described me until today and I am 61 years old ! I don't know if knowing is better or making me feel worse. Its been a year since your commented and I hope your situation is much better for you now Kelly.
@@winnieskinner8772 I can relate and agree with all you've said. The most sick people don't live in an asylum, they walk the streets freely unfortunately.
So true! I could feel the " cold rage" , like passive aggressive behavior on steroids!
I was listening to this in the background while working and when you described the narcissist in the caretaking role and how they look to others but you feel their rage despite them getting you medicine etc. Like you cant help but feel bad for being sick. I got chills.. I experienced exactly this. Thank you for this video Debbie.
I was just thinking about how a person didn't react when I told I have been insulted by another when I was explaining how it has been. I was remembering years ago of a similar situation with a no doubt narcissist and thinking how they were alike and I came to the videos and you are here talking about it in the same way. The covert narcissists are the worst because they kept us tight to them for years doubting if we are being unfair when complaining about their behavior. Thank you very much for opening my eyes!!!
Yes! You can absolutely look back and see how complacent you were and what was being done that you didn't see at the time! You can see that you had been stalked etc and it's quite chilling.
I've been through illnesses and surgeries and my narc stayed as far away as possible, all the while bemoaning about how worried she was to anyone who would listen. If it hasn't changed in 40 years it never will.
My partner of 28 years gets angry when I'm ill. This is all beginning to make sense now.
My former partner too.
He yelled at my daughter in the coffee shop when she was having an allergic reaction in her legs. :(
jackass007ify yep same thing 30 yrs felt guilty for having accidents. He helped somewhat I felt rage somehow. Everyone thought he was handsome and amazing! When I had a seizure in public he told my daughter, “Oh God I can’t just stop work... I’m coming”.
I almost died from a serious illness, and decades later my pscho mom and my psycho brother, (her minion), still blame me for all the trouble I caused by being sick. Not only that, they actually came in and verbally attacked me for an hour while I was on my deathbed.
jackass- Leave him or her
Your videos speak to me. I've watched a fair amount of vids about narcs, but none of them have quite described my situation. When watching your vids I find myself saying OMG I recognize that behavior! Thank you so much for taking the time to help with your vids!
I was bleeding heavily in the bathroom, there was a chance that I had cancer, I had had the blood tests and I was awaiting the results... There was a chance that I would have to put off going away for the weekend because of what was happening to me. I had some medication to make the bleeding reduce and eventually stop , so I had to wait for this to work, and I couldn't leave the house. I was worn out, I would imagine heading for anaemia, what did my covert narc do... He went shopping 10 miles away - for the afternoon, he was angry with me because I was going to spoil the weekend for him, at my friend's house down in the south west of the UK . I went that weekend because I knew he would have made my life hell if I hadn't with constant arguments etc... we went for a walk, but because I felt so weak I couldn't walk far. So I sat in the car park waiting for my friend and him and the dog to come back, whilst they walked the cliffs of this particular place...Neither he, or my 'friend' are in my life any longer...
Oh and when he left me, he said I am leaving you because I am fed up of taking care of you... really, when was that then?
Ya mine loved to seduce my so-called friends too. Some went for it. Sick.
One disturbing thing I've realized is that these individually makes you physically ill.
So sorry. The searing pain of it all. Thank God you are free of him.
You did a great job of clearly explaining this 'reflection of the lack of care'. Thank you.
I always always always felt confused with my dad. There was this act of love but my feelings were telling me something very different. Now I know what was going on. Thanks. your videos are being very helpful.
Mine, too, and my covert aunt kept saying, but he loves you! I shudder now.
At what age did you start to sense your Dad's disconnection? I have preschoolers and I'm married to a covert narc who appears to be a great Dad, but there's little behind the scenes true love for them - he only reacts to but never initiates affection.
Strangely enough, my husband is an covert (shy) narcissist and everything was on target except that he seems to flurish when I'm not well, which isn't often. But when I'm not sick, he could care less about me.
One time, I was walking through a park and one of some council worker guys (they take care of the city parks etc) thought it would be cute show me "something".
I went home, even though I had just gotten there and husband had just come home from work and I told him about it of course. I didn't expect him to actually do anything, but some sympathy at best, because that situation could have been alot worse, because it was 3 of them and I was alone.
Long story short, he got angry at me for having told him about it, because he felt like I was expecting him to do something about it. "Well, What are you telling me for?! What am I supposed to do about it?!"
The covert devaluation after surgery - yep. The narcissist wasn't there. He arranged his narcissistic mother to pick me up. She drove so badly that I almost fainted. You know - stepping on the brake. I told her to drive carefully - she stepped on the brake two times more. I was having such trouble to not faint. Horrible. The smirk and the fake apology.
Wow! Yes, absolutely! There were so many times I’ve been treated this way in the past 20yrs. I was constantly made to feel guilty during these situations especially. It didn’t matter to him how I was feeling, if I was injured or when I was sick. I would always end up feeling guilty & taking care of his needs first. Everything was always twisted around to shift the focus back onto him. Very accurate video which really explains a lot:) Thank you Debbie!
When I received a call that my father passed away my ex narc said I don't know what to do! But when his mother passed away I held him in my arms to console him 😕
They treat their kids the same way!
Very true
C P They better not..
Yes! My husband completely ignored his kids. Spending very little time with them if any. He was only concerned with himself and what he wanted to do
Have more than one narcissist in my life. Thanks so much for this. It really hit home.
I was T-boned by a car as I was traveling 55mph and I lost control of my car hitting yet another car on the opposite side of the highway. I wasnt hurt at all really and when my husband amd kids came to pick me up at the ER, he treated me as if the entire accident had been MY fault. He wasnt relieved i wasnt injured or dead. He acted pissed that he had to come pick me up. Smh. It took me years of the abuse and confusion before finally googling his behaviors and realizing what I had been dealing with this entire time. And hes a pillar of the small community we lived in as well. Classic covert narc!
Yes the victim is the one who actually knows what is going on behind the scenes. Even without words or no matter what their actions look like to others we can feel it very intensely!
My ex husband is a covert narcissist. He made me feel like less than the bottom of his shoe. To everyone else, they saw him as this great man. I’m glad there is a name for it. It’s sad honestly. I’m in therapy trying to heal from all the damage. Thanks for the video. It took a while to realize I wasn’t crazy.
Wow, This helps alot. As I look back to the birth of my children, my narc picked small fights with me in the hospital, and then told me I was to sensitive. The first days home were the same and he was to sick after each of my childrens birth to do anything to help.
Omg despised that was what I felt....thanks Debby i feel like the best friend is talking to me I made some coffee and listen to your videos...hugs my dear one
Hi Friend! :-) I loved that you made coffee and listened to my videos! Hugs to you too! Despised is a such a good word for this. I so relate. Thank you for your lovely message! xx
They don’t care...the end.
So familiar, but further to this, my ex narc who was a widower, told me in detail how wonderfully he looked after his dying wife,. I later learned that his wife’s family have nothing to do with him, I wonder why? Also, he knew very little about her condition, if my partner was dying I would educate myself and become as expert as possible, looking into all sorts of therapies and diets etc. he was very ignorant about it all. A totally spooky lack of empathy in private, and then suddenly in public, a display of helpfulness and concern. Very useful video, thank you
When I found out my grandmother, whom I was close with, was on her death bed, I dropped every and flew out to be with her. My narc mother never said A Word about it or how to deal with death. My Mother cried when i wouldn't bring a jug of water in from the car for her and proceeded to punish me by threatening to not drive me to see grandma in the hospital. So disturbing to come to that realization. My mom is a narc and Im the scapegoat. So sad. I have no family.
That is so disturbing. Thanks for sharing. I hope you can find people that will become your new family. You deserve better.
You aren't alone. I also lost my entire family due to a covert narc mother. They infect everyone around them with their pathology except for the Scapegoat. Any other "non narc infected" relatives seem to die off before we wake up to the nightmare.
My mother was a narcissist and so is my sister. My mother died, and I was never informed until I called to see how she was doing. I lived out of state. My sister at first said my mom didn't want me at her funeral , but later said the decision not to inform me was hers. Nobody even let me know she was dying. I also was always the scapegoat. My sister was the golden child.
Hey, don't worry. You're not the only one feeling like you don't have a family. I feel the same way too. Both my parents are covert narcs, and so is my brother. It's a crushing feeling, you know, to feel like no one's really got your back. I get you. I feel incredibly lonely. Heal, find someone worth you and 'create' a family, if that's what you desire. Otherwise, there are always dogs to soothe our pain.
When I was recovering from anesthesia after a C section, against doctor’s orders and against me, he put me in a sitting position to eat a jelly “so you recover faster”. Consequences were terrible, long story. They are dangerous.
Oh wow. I'm so sorry Maria. That is horrible. I'm so glad you are not with him anymore xx
Wth is a "jelly"???
Yep, you hit the nail on the head!!!!!
This was definitely my experience when I miscarried the 1st pregnancy (planned) with the covert Narcissist at 13 weeks.For a variety of reasons after going to hospital and seeing my midwife and having a scan (l lost the baby in the toilet) I chose to not have a D and C but to complete the miscarriage at home. I asked my partner to stay home and look after me the next day as I was really week and had lost a lot of blood and he said "No you'll just clean the house all day" I left him after that..we were living together but not married.. but stupidly not knowing what he was I allowed him to pretend he had learnt his lesson but he didn't. and we got married.On the day our first child was born and we got into our garage after driving home from the hospital 6 hrs after the birth,He turned off the motor and said in really cold flat voice. "Its not a boy".As you can imagine it only got worse from there until I finally left him 6 years later.
I was in hospital for 8 days. My stbnxh would only come and visit if I asked him to. He would say i will come and see you if you want. You just need to say so.
I felt that was so off I decided not to ask him to come see me and just spent the time alone, which was better than him sitting there trying to pick a fight.
Looking back he did the same for my brothers wedding. We had everything ready to go. Then 10 minutes before we left he decided he didn't want to go. So I went alone with the kids. 15 minutes after I left for the 4 hour car journey he rang and told me he would come with me if I begged him to. Ugh! Creep.
Thank you so much Debbie for posting this wonderful video!! Hs bizarre rage-filled reaction to me being sick is the first big clue I had that something was off with my CN ex-bf! Of all the information out on the Internet about malignant narcissism , there is very little about how narcissists react to the illness/injuries of their significant others!
Wow. Didn't expect the triggering. My next relationship, I want empathy and love. I've only been with narcissists. I've struggled through every illness or injury alone. I'm going to be 58 next month.
MsGuard3
I know what you’ve gone through. Just shy of 54. Tooooooo long. I’m just now divorcing after 33 years of covert hell!
Took care of my ex grilfriend through broken bones and numerous illnesses. At one point I was going through a period of severe vertigo. Due to a prior blood problem I was sent to the ER for a scan. Checking for a potential stroke. I was treated as a complete inconvenience and left at the hospital. I had no idea she had dropped me off and just left without even telling me. Fortunately, the vertigo was due only to a inner ear problem. The pain of being treated with such disregard hurt me so deep I can't tell you.
I so understand Anthony.
I am so sorry. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I hope things are much better for you now.
OMG, yes! Whenever I’ve been sick, my husband has always just completely ignored me. He would walk in and out of the bedroom, never asking how I was or if I needed anything. He, literally, just ignored me. One time, when I was lying on the kitchen floor, suddenly sick from nausea, he said, “WHAT did you do to yourself?!” and then, he just walked off, leaving me there on the kitchen floor and completely ignoring me for the next 24 hours while I was sick.
They are very very cold. Av had to be amitted several coz of the condition I suffer from he would want me discharged quickly coz he would say I was intefering with his work. Once he had to go away for three days to attend to some work while I was lying in hospital. He was always in a hurry whenever he would come see me telling the people who were visiting to keep me company. He simply avoided me and he has continued to do so todate. He told one child while they were buying drugs for me that he was tired of doing so. This affected the boy who was 11 then seven years ago todate. It affected his school work coz the teachers would notice he was staring in space alot in class. Now I know he is the scape goat coz the father has subbotaged his progress not caring whether he succeeds or not. He is a very talented boy but the father is making sure that he doesnt thrive.
Thank you and yes, I do deserve so much better!!! Everybody does... this non solicited abuse is so hard to deal with,I'm preparing to leave but he's ex law enforcement and quite frankly he's told me that he's mean, and I believe him. Christmas day no phone call even until after 9pm... I'm thankful that I've found these videos. I'll never truly understand the twisted mindset but it's all good because I don't want to be like these devils. Thanks again!
Probably he was pissed off that she didn't "function" to serve him, when she was injured. And he had to make some efforts, to take care of her. It's so shocking and very repulsive. And very sad.
Correct. My ex narc was angry and hated me because he had crushed my soul to a pulp and, I wasn't able to serve him anymore, due to exhaustion.I needed him to care, really needed some sympathy.Nope. He was angry that I wasn't able to perform.
That's what they do.. Until they get I'll. They have no empathy at all. They pretend to be there but prefer to be with someone else instead.
I was attacked by dogs, legs all ripped up, couldn't walk for a week. Agonising pain. It was like I'd inconvenienced her, barely any enquiry of how I was doing. She only once asked 'how are the legs?'
My ex got pissed at me for not giving him the appreciation that he wanted and “deserved” for moving to a bigger house. He did most of the packing and packed the pod. We had hired out for the big things. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Then when i had the baby via c-section the following week. He went to work that day instead of staying at the hospital due to it being his first day at the school. He got a teaching position. Then after we (me & baby) got home from the hospital and got pissed or went into a rage after a couple of days. It was because i hadn't unpacked the boxes in living room and arranged the furniture. He thought i should be able to do that while home on maternity. I also had a 10 yr old froma prev rel to care for. I started noticing that after the baby was born, my ex was no longer interested in me or my older son. I filed about 6 months later.
Here is another exhausting game the narcissist plays. Anytime you are hurting, minor or major, they don't really care at all. My covert narcissist would always play the game of "one-up-man-ship" and would have to change the topic to her and how she had "it worse" in some way. The conversation always turned to her in one way, shape, or form. It was like she just couldn't allow someone to get compassion at all. It made you feel like your pain wasn't allowed ever. SHE always had it worse and would turn the sympathy to her. It happened all the time and I mean all the time, in private or in public. The covert narc is my mother-in-law and she did it even in my doctor's appointment when I was pregnant, even in the delivery room!
Thank You Mirza! Y gracias por los subtítulos en español! Thank You for the spanish subtitles!
Oh my goodness! I never did understand why my ex made me feel like garbage when I got sick, and seemed to be trying to punish me by going "on strike" and letting the house go to ruin while I was laid up in bed!
I think we lived the same life.... ugh! Sorry.
I did live this exact life !!! In excruciating trigeminal pain… and he acts like it’s a simple headache… wow
I lost consciousness (possible seizure disorder)and he took great care of me. But later when he was discarding me he said not that he was afraid to lose me or anything like that but "it felt like too much responsibility". That hurt.
I saw that happen to a friend. This guy would run at the sight of illness in that relationship and two others that I knew about.
They go through the motions but don’t care. If he got sick he would have me go beyond in all ways, but I always felt I couldn’t get sick or hurt for long. Trust
This is so spot on. So true.
Overt's are much easier to spot because their behaviour is so obvious. Covert's certainly fly under the radar as such they seem the most dangerous. I even wonder now if I have some around that I still haven't spotted.
3 trips to the hospital for ruptured ovarian cysts, drove myself, finally after many fights (I didn’t know what I was dealing with) third time he finally did drive me only because he probably realized I better come through this time. I have mountains of examples that adhere to every example you listed in this video I am definitely with a covert narc not an overt one may I add to the list that they are usually quite interested in sex? I’ll have to put the money aside but I’m going on your website right now to look into the coaching so glad I found you wish it would have been sooner
Thankyou for sharing. I especially appreciated hearing about how your children will treat you too. I've been through absolute hell with my ex husband and now grown children. Once I finally got away from a family of vultures , my son dealt more overt emotional abuse than I could've ever imagined. I'm still trying to recover as it's only recently been that I do not tolerate even one word anymore. I cant akd if it means I sit here alone day after day then that's what it is. I must stick to my boundaries and it's been a very hard road
Well done having boundaries. That takes a lot of courage.
I experienced this all throughout my childhood with my mother who could not stand to see me getting any attention unless it was negative attention If i was ill or needed support in any way she would throw petrol on the flames to make sure i had to struggle & go through the pain alone, She could not show me any care whatsoever & often told me how much she hated me being there & wanted me out of her house as soon as i was old enough to fend for myself. She would not come to visit me when I was in hospital after i was attacked off a stranger & I had to have plastic surgery on my face & 2 teeth punched out , she sent a message to me saying i probably deserved it.........when i was 6 years old her husband was caught trying to rape me & she told me do not look to her for any pity because I will not get any.. so i grew up with a mother who hated the very thought of doing anything nice for me, she wanted to see my struggle & got her kicks from it. so yeah i know these sort of people who want all the care & attention for them self but cannot give it to their own child. People are strange....
They don’t know what Love ❤️ is. They are too Black hearted to care. Ohhhhh but they want you to be there for them, but the tables are turned they are no where to be found.🤬😤.
Great video. Thanks for explaining that lack of caring they exhibit when your going through hard times. I actually recognize these traits in a lot of people.
Yep!! Right on! Was there constantly at every turn for my ex girl to the point where I was helping bathing her and when I got sick, the only time in four years. ( You said it) she came by but acted like in her attitude that I had to pay some way for taking up her time so she can go get her nails done with her mother. She stayed for about thirty minutes, ( she was on her phone for that time) then left and I took care of myself... I later found out from her brother that she made it clear to everyone that she made sure she went out of her way to come by and help me when I was sick because I had no one to help me. Which is not true at all and it make sense on how she was texting me that day.
Arghhhh. glad she is your ex
How about this: They PRETEND to care. Then they go on and on about themselves and how they are way sicker or have worse health conditions than you do. They always have to be the center of the universe.
mjblue84
Yup! You have a cold and they have cancer!
you are so right. Thank you for this video. As my narc broke my hand and I had to go to the hospital he was very agitated, yelled at me that I was ruining his weekend.
Oh my gosh! That is so horrific. I'm so sorry. xx
Oh my goodness this really hit home! I have so many examples of this. Acting like he is the best nurse on earth. He would get me anything I wanted...if I asked for it and if he was not too “busy”. I had C Diff once. It is a horrid thing to go through. He would not take time out of his busy schedule to take care of me. I had 2 toddlers in the house! I could go on and on. Thank you for this. I am just discovering what my husband is after being together for 24 years. A VERY Covert Narcissist. Your video validated me. Thank you
After 10 years of saving the life of my partner, and believing they would stick by me in times of illness, I’ve gotten quite the rude awakening. Your pain and suffering are boring distractions for the cn, taking away from the attention they could be receiving elsewhere. Its true when I have a sick kid, a dying animal, a dying father, brother etc...it’s just NOT about the narc, therefore very irritating for them. Even small kids have more empathy
I must write more. After first surgery (all three were on abdominal) I had a traditional cut on my belly. It wasn't even a full day after the operation, the cut was very fresh. I was strictly forbidden from moving etc. I needed care at that time and also just normal human behaviour like a simple smile. He told me he has to leave to run some errands. Then his mother called and he realised I know now he lied to me, it turned out he just wanted to go for dinner to his parents. I wasn't sure what's going on. I asked what is it all about so he started a fight, triggering me, saying mean things, shouting etc. until he hurt me emotionally so badly that I broke down, crying and shouting (his fav tactic btw). My wound started to weep. I got high temperature. He told me that I asked for it and left to see his abusive mommy and daddy. He did almost similar thing after the second surgery. He was always the most discontent and aggresive when I was feeling weak, like on my periods. I couldn't understand that. Now I finally do. This marriage was a nightmare. I don't know why it took me so long to realise that I married a monster.
He always makes me feel as if I’m lying or pretending when I’m sick or feel tired without saying a single word. I don’t know how he does that but it’s what I feel.
Thank you so much!!! I thought I was being too sensitive and ungrateful when I felt this. I knew something was off, thanks for putting it to words.
I spent 3 days helping my gf move, on the 3rd evening I offered to take one more car load before I finally went home to do my uni assignment , she replied 'you've done more than enough'. The next day she called me complaining that I'd accepted her answer too easily.
Sisyphus J
Freak histrionic! Hope you’ve ditched her!
I’m so glad this isn’t just me! I got a phone call at 3 am to go to the hospital and when I got there my beloved dad was dead. Gone. I text my boyfriend who was at home, no reply. Eventually drove home shaking and sobbing. HE DIDNT EVEN GET OUT OF BED TO GIVE ME A HUG. He left me alone crying in the dark in the living room. Got up the next day and went to work as if nothing had happened. I put my back out doing gardening and couldn’t move was in so much pain and really scared. He agreed to take me to the hospital, he ignored my pain got on the bed which I couldn’t get on I could only stand, and asked me to take a photo of him he could post on social media. When we got home again he went out knowing I couldn’t even get to the toilet by myself and my daughter had to help me. Uuuuuugh. And as you say, my mother is just the same. Growing up if I was hurt I’d never call my mum always my dad.
Read the comments below: We all have falling ill in common? All who speak on NARCs tell us about their abilty to make people sick or be the cause of our demise. We need to protect our minds and person; Immediately! SMH
Oh my God you couldn’t be more right about this! I was married to a covert narcissist for almost 30 years and every single time I was vulnerable in any way he would literally not care! When I was in labour giving birth after I given birth to my children he did not want to help even though he did especially in front of people! When I lost my father and I was sitting in front of my computer sobbing at song he used to like, he literally walked straight past me, didn’t even touch me on the shoulder nothing! And when I had surgery I was told I wasn’t allowed to lift anything and yet when we got to the car he just got in so that I had to pick my heavy case up and put it in the boot myself. When I said to him I’m not really allowed to pick things up he got upset and sulky and didn’t speak to me all the way home! Finding out what my husband was after 28 years of marriage was utterly devastating! I always knew there was something wrong but I never knew what it was, then when I found covert narcissist on the internet he ticked all the boxes! I sobbed for three days! It is the most shocking disturbing and soul destroying thing when you realise you have participated in a relationship with someone who literally has never cared about you at all, let alone loved you! Thankfully I am away from him now and have been for three years, but yes I look back still on incidents that’s happened and I see them with fresh open eyes! Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes me angry, but mostly just makes me grateful that I finally managed to escape from him which in itself was not easy and took almost 2 years!! Covert narcissist do not like it when you leave them....
Omg......This is so true. I could fill this page with such stories after 33 years with this monster. I've forgotten what love looks like.
Omg. They will definitely naje you forget. So sorry.. Please get counseling. They have no clue of what love is.
🌠❤🔥🌠
This and many other videos are so helpful. Victims need a barrage of information on what is happening g to them, or has happened. It takes repeated sources and variations of the descriptions of this disorder.. no matter what it is called.. and how it look and feels to targets, and how it affects them. Because much narc behavior is very subliminal and manipulative it is very difficult to pinpoint and deal with.
Thanks for this video. It addresses a specific behavior of narcs that is especially cruel and insidious.
Penelope Lambson
True!!!!
I had a miscarriage and he said it was my fault because I didn’t take care of myself ... in front of the shocked ambulance guy. He couldn’t care less what the bastard doctor did to me.
He never cherished me - you are right. Zero tenderness or emotion - just mechanically going through the motions to pretend he’s taking care of me, but full of rage and anger to make you pay .
The roles are always reversed - if they need you, you’re there 100% to fight for their medical care, to make sure they get the best.
If you need them, then somehow it’s your fault and you should feel guilty because somehow you caused your own suffering and he’ll just turn a blind eye to whatever way the doctors misbehave because he couldn’t care less to try to protect you when you are down. ( horrible narc male doctor who performed D&C - he should lose his license.)
They do punish you and resent you .... yes the same with the covert narc who raised me.
When I had my baby my husband pointed out that most husbands bring their wives a present but that he didn't.
Barefoot Prof - was he proud of himself ?
Yep! This has happened to me so many times, 27 years!! I have been trying to fit the pieces together for a few years now and I’m fitting them together and I’m thankful for these videos.