My father would always try to counter anything my mother did. When she sent me a card on my 7th birthday, I was so thrilled but my father said to hide it, don't tell her you received it. I went along with my father's version of a twisted joke. For a few days, I denied receiving the card, until I couldn't keep the truth hidden. My mother was rightly angry. Only after my mother died when I was 11, did I realize how deranged my father was. Couldn't bear anything good happening to anyone, even his children.
"Child tries to curry favor and ingratiate itself with the abusive parent because the love of the other non-abusive parent is taken for granted. " - Just read this and burst in tears! I realised that Stockholm Syndrome is an over riding factor... .
Wish I had access to this information when I was a teen/ young adult in the early 2000’s. I would have better understood my situation and why life was so difficult and reached out to the right place for healing instead of the wrong places.
Truth is always better than delusion. Pain from truth becomes fuel to make positive changes. Contentment from delusion leads to far worse consequences in a long run.
This is an excellent, informative and vitally important presentation of material on understanding how and why dysfunction adversely affects children. Thank you for this.
I really appreciate your wide, deep and interconnected knowledge across so many areas - especially the psychological ones. My family of origin is dysfunctional and the family I had being was well - what I really appreciate - is your understanding. So many people have presented simplistic answers to me - that are of little help, but enabling me to understand in more depth enables me to make some relational progress. Thank you 🙏
My brother always bashed me with this label. The only reason I took the abusive parents side was she didn't want to kill me like my siblings did. They were all screwed up and my father had a neurological disorder to boot. There was and still is no win in this toxic world.
I could foresee this "bloody mess" happening with my ex-husband if I had children with him when he was dropping his mask. So I let it be someone else's bloody mess who was willing to tolerate what I wouldn't, and their mess actually became front page news - literally.
I find it pays to simply observe the patterns of those out to exploit me and to moderate my expectations. Mostly it helps not to take anything too personally and to get on with life as best I can. I suspect that my own mother was on the autistic spectrum who because she could not tell a lie believed that I was a terriable human being who deserved to be punished regardless even when I was trying to please her because as a ten year old I'd lied to her about having homework. She also beat me for not knowing how to lay a table, being clumsy, not liking to climb trees and becoming car sick. None of which was under my control. I learned that it was quite fun to lie to my mother just to torment her as there was zero I could do to win her love. I feel bad that I behaved in this fashion.
Exactly what I am going through now. My two daughters are slowly being trapped into this cult of their mother's family. I don't know what I can do, they have slowly started being angry at me for no apparent reason. When I say "I love you", my elder one replies "I know, but what's the point? Why keep saying it?" It just makes me sad.
This seems to explain partly, why in romantic relationships, childhood abuse survivors gravitate towards dysfunctional lovers. Professor Vaknin, do people generally regress to this behavior for survival in situations of great stress? For example in a toxic work place.
Hey Sam. Have you heard of Troy Parfitt? He wrote the book 'The devil and his due: how Jordan Peterson plagiarizes Adolf Hitler'. He also has his own youtube channel with lot's of videos.
A child only looks down on a parent when standing on the shoulders of another parent. -Richard Gardner
Makes alot of sense
My father would always try to counter anything my mother did. When she sent me a card on my 7th birthday, I was so thrilled but my father said to hide it, don't tell her you received it. I went along with my father's version of a twisted joke. For a few days, I denied receiving the card, until I couldn't keep the truth hidden. My mother was rightly angry. Only after my mother died when I was 11, did I realize how deranged my father was. Couldn't bear anything good happening to anyone, even his children.
"Child tries to curry favor and ingratiate itself with the abusive parent because the love of the other non-abusive parent is taken for granted. " - Just read this and burst in tears! I realised that Stockholm Syndrome is an over riding factor... .
Wish I had access to this information when I was a teen/ young adult in the early 2000’s. I would have better understood my situation and why life was so difficult and reached out to the right place for healing instead of the wrong places.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin! Your way of explaining things makes the whole messy dysfunctional family easier to understand.
I wonder if knowing is better than the delusions... one thing for sure, once known you can't go back
Truth is always better than delusion. Pain from truth becomes fuel to make positive changes. Contentment from delusion leads to far worse consequences in a long run.
@@Nova1-thank you Nova1
Thank you for all you do
Thankyou so much for this video.
My children and I 😢 Gladly we're out of the cult
What if both parents are screwed up? If one is a narcissist and another borderline? 😢
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
This is an excellent, informative and vitally important presentation of material on understanding how and why dysfunction adversely affects children. Thank you for this.
I really appreciate your wide, deep and interconnected knowledge across so many areas - especially the psychological ones. My family of origin is dysfunctional and the family I had being was well - what I really appreciate - is your understanding. So many people have presented simplistic answers to me - that are of little help, but enabling me to understand in more depth enables me to make some relational progress. Thank you 🙏
My brother always bashed me with this label. The only reason I took the abusive parents side was she didn't want to kill me like my siblings did. They were all screwed up and my father had a neurological disorder to boot. There was and still is no win in this toxic world.
I could foresee this "bloody mess" happening with my ex-husband if I had children with him when he was dropping his mask. So I let it be someone else's bloody mess who was willing to tolerate what I wouldn't, and their mess actually became front page news - literally.
Yep, had this happen to me.
Going through this now with my x and two daughters
I find it pays to simply observe the patterns of those out to exploit me and to moderate my expectations. Mostly it helps not to take anything too personally and to get on with life as best I can. I suspect that my own mother was on the autistic spectrum who because she could not tell a lie believed that I was a terriable human being who deserved to be punished regardless even when I was trying to please her because as a ten year old I'd lied to her about having homework. She also beat me for not knowing how to lay a table, being clumsy, not liking to climb trees and becoming car sick. None of which was under my control. I learned that it was quite fun to lie to my mother just to torment her as there was zero I could do to win her love. I feel bad that I behaved in this fashion.
Please don't feel bad. We do what we can to feel any control over misery.
❤
How about the cure??? How to fix the broken child...? Or everything just ends bad as you said...?
Watch the therapies playlist.
@@samvakninthank you Sam
Oh, this makes so much sense, this is two of my daughters 😭 I dont know how to help them.
I truly hear you
🍄✝️
Exactly what I am going through now. My two daughters are slowly being trapped into this cult of their mother's family. I don't know what I can do, they have slowly started being angry at me for no apparent reason. When I say "I love you", my elder one replies "I know, but what's the point? Why keep saying it?" It just makes me sad.
That explains how I became bpd
This seems to explain partly, why in romantic relationships, childhood abuse survivors gravitate towards dysfunctional lovers.
Professor Vaknin, do people generally regress to this behavior for survival in situations of great stress? For example in a toxic work place.
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
The child splitting and identifying itself as the bad object,is that a form of reaction formation?
No. Search the channel for "formation".
Hey Sam. Have you heard of Troy Parfitt? He wrote the book 'The devil and his due: how Jordan Peterson plagiarizes Adolf Hitler'. He also has his own youtube channel with lot's of videos.
I remember the time we got 2hr- long videos 🥲🍷