19: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship with Stan Tatkin
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ส.ค. 2024
- Title: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship: Stan Tatkin
If you’ve listened to some of the other episodes then by now you’ve heard how so much of what happens to us as kids can affect how we are, in relationship, as adults. You can get into the specifics if you want - and there are times when I think that’s a good idea - but you can also look at the big picture of whether or not you had a secure attachment with your parents (and now are able to have a healthy, secure style in your adult relationships). Or you might find that you developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style with your parents, and now THAT is affecting how you connect with (or withdraw from) the people you love as an adult. Do you sometimes feel an overarching need for space and find yourself always feeling like your partner wants too much from you? Do you start to feel anxious when you’re alone, like your partner isn’t there for you enough. Well, guess what - this all relates to your attachment style. The great thing about it is: there’s something you can do.
On today’s show our guest is Stan Tatkin, Doctor of Psychology, one of the world’s experts on attachment theory, and the author of “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship”. On this show we’re going to get to know the ins and outs of how we attach to others - and give you some successful strategies for knowing and understanding yourself, and your partner, and finding healthy ways to support each other in relationship. If you’re single, we’re also going to talk about the implications of attachment style on dating - and Stan’s new book “Wired for Dating” is coming out this month - January of 2016.
In this conversation, Stan Tatkin and I cover the following topics:
Wired for Love is a manual for how to feel safe in relationship. When we don’t feel safe and secure in our relationship it can create a lot of stress, problems with thinking and focus, creativity, patience, etc. And the long-term effects of stress can contribute to all kinds of illness and dis-ease. So there are very practical reasons for understanding clearly how to feel safe in relationship (both what will increase your feelings of safety in relationship as well as how to help your partner feel safe).
What is at the root of your attachment style? Your attachment style is created by the primary relationship that you have as a child, generally with your mother. As an infant we learn very quickly whether or not our parent (or primary caregiver) is there for us unconditionally. If so, we learn to trust those on whom we come to depend in our primary relationship. If not, we develop an insecure attachment style as a response to the uncertainty that our needs will be met in our primary relationship.
Insecure attachment styles: Islands - People who are more “islands” in their attachment style (the ones who need extra space) typically had to perform or be a certain way in order to experience love in their primary relationship. They tend to distance themselves in relationship as they are afraid of losing themselves within the relationship, or being co-opted.
Insecure attachment styes: - Waves - People who are “waves” tend to be more needy and afraid of abandonment in relationship. Typically they were responsible for the emotional well-being of at least one of their parents, and so they were rewarded for being dependent.
Both insecure attachment styles can be distancing: Both waves and islands can also distance themselves ultimately within a relationship, waves because they are afraid of being abandoned, and islands because they are afraid of being consumed. At the root of both avenues: fear. And both islands and waves WANT relatedness - it’s just the kinds of fears that relatedness creates that lead to wave-like or island-like behavior.
Are you an island or a wave? How about your partner? We all have elements of secure attachment, and the different insecure attachment styles, but under duress you will probably veer more towards one than the other. And the way you go can change depending on the relationship that you’re in. Are you more of a “go it alone” kind of person, with the feeling that no one can do something better than you? This way of being is supported quite a bit in western culture, and can lead to being an island. Are you more chatty, interested in other people and relationship, very related to others, very affected by separations and reunions? Odds are that you’re more of a wave.
No judgment! It’s important to know that neither of these is good or bad, they just “are” and affected by your experience. With an understanding of where you are, and an understanding of your partner (or potential partners),... - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
Stan Tatkin is one of the best speakers and authors in the world in my opinion. His insights and depth are just amazing. Thank you so much for this video. It is absolutely awesome!!
You both are incredibly articulate and dialogue so well together. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information ❤️
I am sure millions of people will discover this interview and benefit tonnes from it. Thanks Neil for this podcasts and your well informed questions and comments. This is world class
So many people would benefit from listening to this. Thank you.
Thanks Lisa!! Would appreciate anything you can do to get the word out :-)
This interview has taught me TONNES about myself! Thank you so much! In my case, my attachment type comes into play almost right from the first moment of meeting someone and the stronger the connection, the more prevalent my attachment type becomes. For me it does NOT only happen once I have committed or known someone for an extended period.
can't focus on the video,
drowning in shame:
- absolute failure in my career
- unattractive/overweight/diabetic
- zero friends
, never been in a relationship
- poverty
- shackled by the past, by my fears
(no idea how to turn my life around)
Amazing 😉 love how genuine this doctor is simply fantastic! I met a guy that said that we are not compatible and my view wasn’t that was simply that he was reacting to everything I said instead of convey or telling me that he wasn’t comfortable talking about certain subjects. Left me walking on eggshells feeling that I could not be MYSELF‼️‼️‼️‼️
I'm very grateful for this interview and I found it. Thank you.
I love psychology, especially child psychology, and this topic has been my favorite thus far.... It's made me think about not only my own relationship with my husband (and how we can improve what we already positively have), but also those of close friends and families. I know couples who consist of islands and waves, and neither partner knows how to respond to the other person, therefore their relationship starts falling through time; I know couples who attached to one another right away, where one partner moved in right after date #2, and 5+ years later they finally walk down the aisle together due to family pressure, but I see their unhappiness in the way they talk and respond to one another and in their body language.... Neil, I'm recommending your podcasts to friends and families!
Many of us are surprised once we become committed, feelings rise to the surface
So interesting, I wish to find a partner interested at this depth.
Stan Tatkin makes good sense, and he pegged me precisely, as an island.
Love this talk
Im a wave ish,, my partner is a pretty strong island. We have just separated. I’m so sad. If only he would listen to this,,, I hope he misses me. 🙏
Hope you are doing well‼️‼️
awesome! Really worth listening to!
I am a wave!!!!
I have a weird question:
Have you ever heard of a couple coming together as the distancer avoidant and attacher anxious attachment style (prior to the relationship) then switch roles during the relationship?
I have seen this and I don’t understand how this could be…?
the banjo music is a huge distraction opening credits. I almost didn't make it through. I thought my phone was playing two videos at once
insightful
It's quite true that the intro music is really awful and way too loud. You must strain to hear the voice over the blaring banjo. Having said that, I've heard a number of interviews with Stan Tatkin and this is one of the best. Host asks good questions.
Agreed
I really enjoyed it!!
On the other hand it creates recognition, like a radio spot jingle
And yet, John Gray says to let the men go to their caves, and not to disturb them when they are « taking a holiday » from the relationship.... so what should we do? Support each other and never let go of each other when difficulties arise? Or perhaps give each other « a space to breath » and be independent (which is a threat) for awhile?
I wish you’d state the song credits… thank you
Just found your podcast. Can people feel completely secure in a relationship without marriage? Seems like there are more couples unwilling to get married but say they’re committed for the long haul.
As they often say, marriage is just a piece of paper. Perhaps it's a matter of expectations and how each person is raised. Some believe Marriage is sacred; others, not.
Good lord I almost turned it off during the intro. The background music was way too loud. Please tone that down a little
Thanks that was very useful. It definitely confirmed why it's best to avoid a "love relationship" like the plague.
The saddest way to protect your heart is to act like you have none.
What if you have a seemingly narcissistic partner that only focuses on themselves? So much of this content seems to be created for people who just need a nudge here and there, not for those who struggle with an egotistical partner.
@@EverythingLvl find an attachment couple's therapist because they can help heal attachment wounding that leads to narcissism
Hope you've left !!
too many commercials on this show
I had accidentally changed a setting that automatically created way too many ad breaks! Sorry about that - all videos will be fixed pronto!
Music IS INDEED too loud and distracting : (
So sorry! We barely use the music in our more recent episodes, and were still figuring it out back in episode 19! I hope you kept listening, though! Lots of good information here :-)
Oh, I am sorry too, I think I sounded too harsh lol... Loved the show... and wanted to share with my BF... but I know he won't have the patience to sit through the opening with such loud music background it is really hard to listen to lol... I have to skip through it too, even though the content was great. THANKS for posting great content about relationship topics... People can really use more of those than the kind that only teaches men and women how to play games in the dating world lol. THANK YOU :D
The music is sooooooooo distracting.
I enjoyed it.
Tatkin says that homeless people and mentally ill people sometimes form secure relationships. I honestly don't understand this or believe it.
Mentally ill people as well as homeless people are per definition very traumatized people and they haven't experienced any kind of secure attachment in their childhood and therefore wouldn't know how to form a secure attachment as adults.
Also, should it be possible that they were able to form a secure relationship, then the next conclusion would be that this secure relationship would eventually heal their attachment traumas, and then they would start functioning better and better and at some point not be mentally ill or homeless anymore. Has anyone ever seen this happen?