I am looking at the dynamic here and find it VERY sad, but also frustrating. I remember when my grandma passed away after a long sickness, one day my mother turned to me and said: " Now we are the old people" , referring to my dad and her. Fast-forward down the road a quick 15 years... my mom passed away after a car accident. I remembered that statement and realized NOW I am the Old one! Time goes so quickly!! There is NO amount of planning that can prepare us for the changes in our physical bodies or our mental state!! Recently my son told me he wanted to "take over my finances" I know I would quickly be homeless like him, because he has never put down roots for more than a minute. it's a fragile life!!
Even at 87 years old my Mother still has a good head and can take care of her finances. I am on their accounts and can monitor the spending in case a Spammer was to get ahold of them. But that is as far as I go at this time. I have all their bills on direct pay so no worries about that for her. Just Gas, Groceries and Lottery Tickets is all they need to worry about. Oh Golf Course Fees too for him,.
I worked in a nursing home and a resident told me her story. She’d lived in her paid off home for years. Her son asked her to move in with him, he’d take care of her. She did and he lost his house less than 5 years later. She was placed in the nursing home. She gave up her security on her sons promise to take care of her.
We are 71, 75. Moved into a gated Florida 55+ community 5 yrs ago. Actually, a man who my husband took care of for 10 years unknowingly gave us the house, he had no family. What a blessing! We remodeled it and plan to stay. We've had to set boundaries with neighbors who think we can take care of them too. Some are very entitled. We've learned to only do what our heart says to do. They can hire someone else.
My siblings and I took care of my parents the last 3 years of their lives. They lived in a one story house. We all lived less then one mile from them which was perfect for us to go by often to check on them or take them to Dr appts. They didn’t want to go to a nursing home so we promised them we wouldn’t put them in one. We hired someone to do the lawn care. We took care of their finances, paid their bills for them and did the handiwork around the house. We did all the handicapped adjustments to the house for them. When it was time for home health to come, then hospice, we were there too. Unfortunately, the years went by fast. 😢 My suggestion would be to have them rent/buy a house near you to do same as we did. They’re lucky to have you to help them. Good luck.
My 86yo mil lives next door and her 65yo son lives with her and even though he lives with her she still falls..if he didn’t live with her my hubby would have to move in and live with her as she’s gotten so weak just sitting in her chair waiting to b waited on that she will soon become bedfast and will have to go to a nursing home as none of us are physically able to take care of that kind of need..all because she refuses to do anything but sit in her chair and holler for her son if she as much as wants a bottle of water..the woman doesn’t realize what she’s done to herself and where she’s going to end up
Planning for retirement includes gathering some ideas about how you might spend your time, and then being ready to change your mind. At 74 and 76, we are finding that we are enjoying being quiet at home more and more, which surprises me. But then we have always been happy hanging out together- dated in high school, married 56 years.
My momma passed away two years ago. She was 96 and mentally active. My pops is working on 101. Works in the garden and orchard. My sister lives around the corner and says he’s going to make 105, so I’d bet your parents (and you!) will hit near 100. Nice thing that they want to live near you. Thanks for sharing
Having just gone through something similar with my own parents, I think you have to take into consideration the likely possibility that they are both in the early or middle stages of dementia. The obsession with fallen leaves and dog poop seems disproportionate, and the unrealistic housing plans are also a giveaway. They may still be coping in some areas of their lives, but their grip on reality is slipping. As other people have mentioned, the best home for them is probably a senior’s facility with stepped levels of care that they can access as their capabilities decline. You have a hard row to hoe. Don’t let your care for your parents damage your health and your peace of mind.
Thank you Ruby. I showed this comment to my wife. She agrees there are other possibilities as far as their mental state goes. I know my Mom has a touch of dementia. I have spoke to her Doctor about it. I have never thought he might also have the start of it.
Hello, I was looking around TH-cam and noticed your post. I am a nurse of many years. I have worked primarily in the hospital setting in many different areas over the years however now I work in a nursing home. (I also have a background in the building trades). I generally am not a person that “gives advice” but I’d like to share some things with you. DO NOT go with a trailer or a double wide. Unless you are working with the manufactures of these buildings you’ll not get what you want and your folks will complain. I agree with you. A one floor BUILT house would be much better. Your parents (especially your mom) don’t need to negotiate steps if she can avoid it. If you can have a place built then a house would be best. Consider these important things. Go for wider door ways, even if you have to have the doors specially made. I mean ALL doors. Inside and outside doors! I have been rehabbing an old farm house so I do have experience. I have 2 bathrooms and I have pocket doors. They slide into the wall so you can have more space in the room. Pocket doors are really great. If you need a hallway make that wide as well. In case either of your parents need to use a walker or wheel chair wider door ways and hall ways will absolutely allow for these. Hey, even if you need to call an ambulance, they need to get the stretcher into the place so doing what I mentioned will also allow for that. As far as a bathroom. Get a ADA height toilet. This is the best for older people. Safer. Now you can go with a shower set up but try for one a bit bigger, a little wider than 48”. Add grab bars (make sure there is WOOD bracing behind the walls so the grab bars can be strong and securely attached. An alternate option could be one of those walk in baths that close securely after you get in, they have a seat. You can use it as a tub and some of these models have whirl pool options as well as showers. (I have a neighbor who put one in for his arthritic wife and she loves it) If needed a wash room with an area to fold clothes is very helpful or a stackable apartment sized washer and dryer. As far as a kitchen. If you worry about the elderly with a gas stove you can go with an electric induction stove. This way you wouldn’t have to worry about an elderly parent catching their shirt sleeve or robe on fire if and when they reach across the stove. (I know this does happen, I worked in a burn unit) Carpeting is nice but close loop is safer. If you want to splurge heated radiant flooring is especially nice but not necessary. A nicely appointed kitchen is nice. Try to avoid upper cabinets that are difficult for the elderly to reach into. A tall pantry cabinet with pull out shelves is useful. You want things at a height your parents can work with. Yes, make sure each of the rooms are Large enough to maneuver around in. Too small and people can bump into furniture and fall. Flooring needs to be quality too. The newer water proof laminate type floors have improved greatly. Take a look at some, you’ll see. I know elderly folks want to age in their homes and these suggestions are good suggestions to do just that. I hope my information helps you out. I’ve learned a lot working in the assisted living and nursing home environment. I too am older (72) so I have to keep things in mind as well.
I read this entire comment and Thank you for your suggestions. Hopefully it will help others as this entire video seems to have done. I never realized there were so many people in this situation. Take care.
Mobile homes are perfectly fine...im a home care nurse and have never had issues with any patient living in one. They're not like they were decades ago.....many people don't have money to build a new house anymore...a small double wide is really nice and roomy
Great suggestions! My Dad begged Mom to build their new house with a wide hallway & bigger doors, but she refused saying it wasn't needed (she had MS). She said they wouldn't need the room, fast forward 10 years later, she's in a motorized wheelchair & can't manage to get in bathrooms or bedrooms without taking off wood trim and drywall. They are both gone now, but they taught us so much about life. My sister and I cared for her in their home till she passed. God bless all who work in nursing!❤
I just subscribed. My husband and I are the old people in this scenario and I am finding your perspective and feelings about your situation very enlightening and thought provoking. You are a wonderful son and I can see how your parents' perceived difficulties affect you. I am sorry you have to go through all this and I said a prayer that the decisions made are the best for all. Thank you for your candid video.
Hi Carol, Thank you for the kind words. Reading all the comments it is amazing to me how many are in the same position as myself. I find that it is best not to answer any questions they may have too quickly and put some thought into what they are asking of me. This conversation with them about moving back home has really caught me off guard. But after yesterdays road trip to see a used Repo Mobile Home I realize that I need to be more involved. I try to give them their freedom and allow them to carry on with life. They both still drive. So they are not at the point that I need to be there all the time. Right now I just go over 2 times a week and they know those days. I have a set schedule of Wednesday and Sunday. After I retire that might change to 3 times a week.
I too am the older person in the scenario 80 1/2. About 4 years ago my brother and SIL campaigned for me to move from Florida to GA and buy the larger house that was for sale across from their home. It has worked out well. We give each other space, but also do things together. They are both 20 years younger. As my only relatives they will get the larger home when I pass and use their smaller home as a guest house. I am still in fairly good health so they will have to wait awhile!
Been there done that. I'm 80 now and devoted my best early retirement years(12) taking care of my parents. They both passed in their early 90's. Everyone's situation is unique so I'll spare you suggestion and simply wish you all the best.
My husband and I are in our mid-sixties and we just downsized to one level living and a cute cottage outback with a ramp and completely set for handicapped everything. We do not want our son to devote the best years of his retirement to our care. My parents upsized in their mid-eighties and bought more stuff and another truck for a fourth garage. Like you, I will spare you that situation, but it sure taught me how to be a responsible adult for my own life for my entire life.
First time seeing this...I remember when my in-laws in their early 80's decided to sell their home and more to a retirement place where meals were provided...housekeeping, and they could get extra help when needed. They were very active and at that point I was not sure if that was the right choice. Two years later they had started to slow down a bit...it was the best choice. They are both in their ealry 90's now. I would say that they need to go to a retirement place where they can have meals provided, ect if needed. I am so glad they made better decisions than my Mom. So my Mom is widowed, blind,, and in a house with a big yard. Years ago we tried to get her to sell, but of course she refused, move into someplace smaller. Of course she would not even though by then she couldn't do the yardwork or really a lot of the housework. Then she stopped cooking...then she started having dementia signs...lack of oxygen because she has been a smoker since she was a teenager..and she is still smoking. So...I wanted to play hardball...get the paperwork we needed signed in place, ect, she refused...my other 2 siblings decided to enable. I think they thought she would just not live as long as she has. Two of us offered for her to come and live with us...only stipulation is that she had to quit smoking...she refused. Needless to say she is still living at her home. We finally were able to get some daytime help. But of course she has to have someone spend the night, so for the last 3 years 2 of my siblings have taken turns being away from their spouses spending the night. But as long as my Mom gets her way she doesn't care. I will not spend the night. As her dementia has progressed she can get pretty mean at times. The stress of not only having to take care of your own stuff, not only theirs can be overwhelming, especially when they need total care, as my Mom does. She does not understand that her kids are not young themselves anymore and we also have are on health problems...So sometimes adults as they get older are able to make good decisions...look at the big picture...others like my Mom has not and her kids are paying the price. In my own life I have started to slowly get rid of things that I no longer use. My Mom has kept everything...and I mean everything. Told myself that when the time comes and I need to move from the house I will not be as difficult with my son as my Mom has been with us. My advice would be that there comes a time when you might have to play a little hardball. Remind your parents that you are not as young as you use to be also. At age 87 they will start slowing down more, and a year can make a big difference in what they can and cannot do. I would suggest a retirement place that has meals provided, and they can get extra help if they need it.
If they do buy a mobile home, make absolutely positively sure it isn't one from Florida. Past hurricanes had them trying to offload flood damaged mobile homes to unsuspecting customers.
The sad piece of your situation is that you know no matter what you do it won’t satisfy them for the long term, as you’ve stated they’ve already moved 4 times. They appear to be in denial that they are now “old”, similar to my parents. Best wishes finding a solution that works for all of you.
I'm 78 and recently widowed as of October, 2023. I'm alone and don't have anyone to help me with anything. I live in a large tri-level home on a half acre. It's a lot for me to take care of. I'd be thrilled to have a son like you that would help me make decisions. I've been downsizing a little and plan to have a big sale this Spring. I'm going to put the house up for sale and move back to my hometown in MI (I'm in PA). We moved around a lot like your parents and never paid off a home so I still have a mortgage. I've looked at condos but I'd be paying a lot more than what I am now. Same with 55+ communities. I feel for you having to help them make decisions when they can be stubborn. My mother was very stubborn and wouldn't take any advice. It was a struggle to try to help her. I'll keep watching to see how this unfolds. Take care of yourself, too.
I'm 78 too and moved back from Florida to Michigan, 3 years ago, to live 10 minutes from my daughter's house. I will never live in another condo again. The HOA fees would keep increasing each year.
My parents lived very long. Mom finally passed away at 98. Two of us spent our old age taking care of them. It is not good. We had to do everything for them for decades. It's beyond crazy.
I am trying to figure out how to manage my old age without my kids having to sacrifice everything to help... I want them to live their best lives while they can, and I really don't want them wasting time looking after me. on the flipside I do not want to be dependent either... but what can you do? My cousin and friend for many years fell and broke her hip... the surgery actually caused more damage and landed her in a wheelchair.... She died before she could retire. I think about those things.
That is a very amusing statement you made and indicates you don’t know much about older people. If they aren’t already “chill”, they aren’t gonna be. I’m 81 and speaking from experience.
Great son for actually taking a trip down to look at the mobile home bc it shows that you still respect them and want to see what they want to do and not just making the decision for them. I like the shed to home idea very much.
WE'RE GETTING OLDER AND WE GOT A SINGLE WIDE 2 BDRM 2 FULL BATHROOMS AND WE'RE ON A 1/2 ACRE LOT & IT'S PD OFF & HOPEFULLY WE WILL DIE IN THIS PLACE !? WE MOVED OUT OF A 3BDRM HOUSE ON 1.5 ACRES AND THAT WAS JUST TO MUCH FOR US TO HANDLE & OUR PLACE IS ON A FOUNDATION WHICH YOU CAN RETIRE THE TITLE AND THEN IT IS CALLED A MODULAR HOME !
My mom is 85, and she's had a few episodes of high blood pressure that took her to the ER. She lives in Romania and I live in Oregon. 15 hours travel time if I'm lucky and 10 hours time difference. I spent a whole month with her, and she was reluctant for me to make any arrangements for a couple of options for people to come help her in case of any issues/emergencies. She was flat out refusing to let anyone in her apartment (that she owns). At some point, I asked her: what do you expect to happen when you will need help to go to the hospital or doctor? And she said, almost spitefully, you're going to come help me, didn't you say that? So I laid down the law and said: you think I can just drop everything I have to do at home and hop on a plane for at least 15 hours to get here all jet lagged, just to take you to the doctor??? That's not going to happen! If you refuse to make any arrangements to have a couple of options for people to come help you, I'm done. I'm taking my hand off you, if I can help from Oregon, I will. Otherwise, since you're refusing to make any contingency plans, you're on your own. ... she became very quiet and almost scared, and immediately accepted us putting some contingency plans in place. So much so, that after I left she used them when she had another health episode. She then made the decision that if she lost her mind she wanted to be taken to a nursing home and even started looking at which one she would prefer, how much it would cost, how much her pension would cover etc. In a nutshell, she accepted that she had to work with me and be reasonable and realistic about the future. Nobody likes thinking about death and what happens in case one gets incapable of taking care of themself, but the reality is that if you don't, someone else will be making decisions for you. Just like with making or not making a will. If you don't want to think about it , a probate judge will do the thinking for you and take almost half of your estate in taxes. If you don't care, then that's an option too. I love my mom, but I have to take care of myself first. Like they tell you on the airplane, put your oxygen mask on first and only afterwards put it on your child etc. Also, I had to have some intense discussions with my mom about the cause of her fluctuating high blood pressure, turns out she was buying takeaway from restaurants a lot, instead of cooking for herself or shopping for healthy food, which she's perfectly capable of doing, and she was eating a lot of salt and crap doing that. Once she accepted going with me to see a nutritionist and he basically told her exactly what I was advising her to do and eat, her health episodes stopped. Nowadays we joke about me being wiser, and we see each other on Skype every other day
U have to put down the facts- I know at 88 I would like my way but we have to depend on other people at certain points if we live long enough and their availablety
@ @ thank you. My mom is very independent, fortunately, and she loves going out on daily walks, takes public transportation which is very convenient and abundant in Bucharest, she goes to parks and she meets with her girlfriends and also has a good relationship with her neighbors in the building. She refuses to come live with me in Oregon, and I understand her point of view. Plus she has the state pension and health insurance which covers her almost 100%. Rides on public transport are free for pensioners. So I understand her and want to help her live on her terms till the end. I read that someone thought I'm being harsh with her, but if something happens to her it's not like I'm in the same city and can go be there with her. She had a few episodes where she didn't know where she was, in the street, fortunately I was right there, this year. I have to set my foot down and make sure that she carries some kind of note in her purse with her name and address etc, with someone's name as an emergency contact etc. To give you another example, this year before I went to Bucharest, I had purchased my plane tickets in advance and paid about $1200 round trip. A couple of weeks before I was set to go I started getting phone calls from my mom saying that she hasn't eaten in over a week, that she was nauseous and that on Friday she was checking herself into the hospital and she wanted me there to be with her. This was on a Wednesday. So I got online and changed my flights to leave the next day, Thursday, paid over $800 additional. Because of the 10 hour ahead time difference I was scheduled to land in Bucharest Friday afternoon. On Thursday, before I left for the airport, I Skyped her and here she was, all good, saying that she went to the bathroom and pooped a lot, that she has been very constipated for days, and after she pooped her nausea was gone, she got hungry, and that she was no longer going to check herself in the hospital. You have no idea what hoops I had to jump through to be able to leave the next day, we have a small business my husband and I, he had to find someone to fill in for me last minute, for a month, and more things that I'm not going to get into. I basically jumped on a plane to Romania for a constipation episode... so yeah, I have to have some plan B and C in place for her.
Similar situation here. My mom lives in Germany, is 89 years old. She does not want any help. Refuses to go to a senior home, and expects for me to move back home so I could drive her around. My life is in Minnesota. My daughter and I visited her this year. She was not pleasant. I talk to her on Skype every Saturday , or rather, she talks and I listen. It is not easy.
My husband died before we could downsize.. so now I am in a condo alone and I love it.. I am 78.. I have 9 children who emptied our house, took care of all our finances, and 2 weeks after he died I moved in. I am eternally grateful.. ❤
Just found your channel. Thank you for sharing. Having gone through it with my parents, You are an amazing SON! Watching parents age is not easy, and I just kept reminding myself that they were there for me with my troubles growing up. It's the least I can do to repay their generosity in their time of need. Mom is now in an assisted living home. It's a daily challenge but so worth it.
I'm surprised at how many comments this video has generated and almost every one of them have valid points. I'm had family and friends facing the same situation you currently are and I hope for your own future health and happiness that you can steer your parents into assisted living or another condo because if they are on your property you pretty much will devote your future to being a caregiver.
It is amazing how many comments it has generated. I never knew so many people were in the same boat as I. I understand what you are saying in the rest of your comments...Thanks
You are an amazing patient son a huge blessing to your parents. I know you will find the perfect home at a price they can afford. Your mama raised your right.
Thank you Robert. Actually my Momma's Momma raised me in my formative years. My Grandma was Greek and in Greek Grandma is calle YaYa......Weird I know but that is what we called her. I stayed with her and my Grandfather a lot between birth and 5 years old. I can to this day 60 years later still remember those years when I was that young.
I think it is great that your parents are wanting to move at their age as usually at that age, people hardly want to do anything! Kudos to you for being patient & willing to help your parents!
Good luck, I built my mother a small 32' x32' house when my dad passed away. It had 2 bedrooms, living room kitchen and dinning area together and just one bath. She lived in it for 30 years untill she passed at 97 and loved the ease of keeping it cleaned heated and AC in the summer. A good friend of mine added a 24' by 40' to their house for her parents to move into ,to be close to them to help take care of them. Her mother hated every day they were there because it was not her home. Her mother and father moved out back to their old home for just 4 months before her mother and father had to go into a nuising home only to hate every day there. Sometimes it is hard for old people to understand that we have their best welfare in mind when they get old. My mother was just a phone call away if she needed something and my oldest sister moved in for the last 3 years of our mother life to be there 24-7 to help care for her. My oldest sister lived there until she passed, so a good simple well built house will always outlast a mobile home.
I am the oldest too and retired so taking care of my mom after my stepdad passed seems to have fallen ALL on me. Lately I have started to get resentful of my siblings when they report all of the details of their wonderful vacations. You're a good son to look after your mom and stepdad, I am glad the double wide choice has been taken off the table...maybe renting an already set up double wide in an over 55 community would work. Best wishes.
My oldest sister moved in with our mother for about 3 years untill our mother passed. I made sure that my sister got 3 weeks vacation a year to go see her daugther and 5 grandkids, I paid for the plane tickets and provided her with extra money for the trip. At the time I was still working and had 6 weeks vacation, I spent 3 weeks of that giveing my sister a break. Some of us understands what someone gives up to take care of their parents, some don't.
Please check county rules....on your land....or legal tiny home community (municipal and county allowed). I'm relieved though with the outcome of today. All the best to you, your wife, kids and parents! ✨😊✨
So glad I never had to go through this with my parents, healthy until death at 92 and 98, lived in their home. Hope it goes as well for my son when I am older.
My mom was 88 when she picked up and moved here, bought a new mh. She hated it so bought a $200,300 home, retirement village. I even sold my home to help her put a payment down. She ended up having to go to a nursing home because I'm disabled. We lost everything except that mh. I'm in the process of moving out of it now into a HUD apt. She was 93 when she passed away, my only family. I didn't know she was getting dementia when she moved here. 😢. I'm sorry to say I wouldn't pay that for an older used mh. Hope they look into tiny homes. I wanted to go to Newport to buy one from Randy but decided it would be too hard on me at 75. It's taking me 2 months to move. Ughh. Good luck 🙏😊
I've been through this with my own mom and feel as though I have nothing left to give to my MIL even though I love her and she is a wonderful person. It's like my brain got fried from all of the logistics and worrying.
You may just have to put your foot down! 😢 Give her the best option . My mother was upset when I moved her to an Assisted Living. She ended up really liking all the activities, meals were prepared, laundry was done, bible study, movie night. 😮😮😮 you have to do what is best for you and your family, too. 😢. If she lives with you, it is 24/7 and you have no life!
@@lindajohnson. She does not live with us and requires minimal help at this point. She is still pretty capable thank goodness. I just meant that I spent years as a stay at home mom and then transitioned into helping my mom with a lot of things although she, too, has never lived with us. She sold her home and moved into a very nice independent living apartment when she was in her early 80's which was a godsend.
Like your videos. Many of my I’m still declutterring at 78. Feels good cleaning things up. Amazing what you forgot you had. Good luck with finding the best fit for your mom & step dad.
Tiny homes are hard to live in. A great place to find is a 55 plus community to rent or buy. They will have friends and a place geared toward older adults with lots of entertainment.
@@dianabehr3169 -- I've never had any friends experience any of that. So, I guess you have to interview some of the residents before you make a decision which community is best.
Sooo.. you and your wife are fabulous children..❤. You need to gently tell them to go into assisted living. You will be taking care of 2 houses. We humans are not capable of great decisions at 87.. someone has to be honest with you and your parents ❤️❤️❤️!!!
Great comments. None of this means you are not a good son. It means you and your wife have the right to a good life as well. Your parents had many years not having to worry and take care of you. You need the same. Over 55+ and assisted living are great places to live. Make several visits at different times of the day or evening, have your parents talk to the residents before a decision is made. I moved into a 'community' because I met a couple reading the local bulletin board. They were shouting praises about the place. We moved and lived there happily for 10+ years until my husband passed.
Assisted living communities are very expensive. I get the impression that this couple cannot afford that. I had a friend who faced that with their mom and the upfront costs were unbelievable. IMO it's a money making scheme.
Agree with the assisted living!!! They are "independant" right now, so that would be cheaper than the "assisted" but once they get to that point, they can move down the hall to the assisted. My mom in her 90's fell and broke her hip. (2nd fall and hip break).She was in an apt all alone. She yelled at me (I'm an only child, adopted), but I moved her into the assisted until her hip was better, then she moved to independant. She is now 97. There is NO Way! I could take care of her and my multiple medical disabled adult son. People don't realize it puts more stress on the caregivers than the older person! Best thing I ever did. She's got friends there and I know she's safe. Problem is, she's going to run out of money probably within the next 2 years. Make sure you have POA in case anything happens and also make sure you familiarize yourself with the "5 year lookback" rule for medicare/nursing care!
My parents finally moved into a progressive living facility. They ARE NOT nursing homes. At first my parents were independent residents then assisted. There was also a memory care section which they didn’t need. This particular one was not full of old people in wheel chairs. Much of the population was still pretty active. They often had their own vehicles and could get out and do things in groups or by themselves. They took care of their own meals or sometimes took advantage of the restaurant quality dining facility, and participated in planned activities as much as they wanted or not at all. As a family member I still had plenty to do especially as they required more care (Drs appointments, bills etc) but I wasn’t needed for the every day ins and outs. There must be several near you that you could check out.
They need to move into senior living community. You have to make it clear that that is where it makes sense for them to live. Give them some different options, so they feel in Control once they decide
At the age of 60, me, and 63, husband, we realize we cannot stay on our little homestead forever. Neither of us like living in town. We realize that may need to change. Thanks for giving different viewpoints.
I’m 75. I moved to my sons property living in my camper for 7 years. They wanted me to move into their rental. They rather have me in there (no rent) just utilities until my finances improve. I’m having a hard time letting g go if my camper though because so don’t feel this will be a permanent situation because of relationship problems. I have always taken care of myself and lived rural lifestyle. I would love opportunity to move off of their property. I feel like I don’t have privacy or full control of how I live as long as I’m on family property. Freedom to breathe. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
My parents were resistant to independent living. Now they love it. They’ve made friends, can go down to meals if they want. Do they complain about everything? Yep!
It sounds like they just want to be close to family. They may just want to belong and have a purpose in life. The trailer is too big for elderly people to take care of, and not made for disabled people.
I feel you, Tracy. I love my mother but since moving her into our home nine months ago, I've had many days of complete misery. I won't allow my child to move us into her home. It's wearing me down fast. The sacrifices have been immense and I really resent it sometimes.
I took a screenshot of your comment, I read it already over and over. My mother was having a lot of back and leg pain last Christmas so I did everything. I thought I was helping her by doing all the work and cooking of our Christmas Eve dinner. My Dad told me it hurt her feelings so bad because she felt that she wasn’t needed anymore. I try so hard to take care of them and do everything that I didn’t even realize it was taking away from them. My parents are 76 and 80 years old now and do need more help now . I will do anything I can for them. They have always been wonderful parents to me.
I live in a mobile home. I noticed that when I'm at a restaurant or hospital or someplace with a concrete foundation, I get increased pain to the point of needing to lay down after just an hr or 2. It makes my spine, feet, jaws, hands, basically everything hurt so much worse than when I'm at home. Our trailer is an old trailer w/floors that have a lot of give. I heard that the newer ones have more support so im worried if we upgrade this, like we might end up doing, it will only increase the pain. We want to buy a home but there are so many challenges and the inventory/prices are so depressing that it seems doubtful unless a miracle happens.
Recommend wide hallways for wheelchair fit in case needed. Bathroom structure needs to be sturdy to hold grab bars for safety. Also recommend walk in shower and not tub setup. From a previous home therapist perspective
My mom lived in a mobile home and when she needed hospice and wheelchairs the doorways were very narrow. Just something to make sure of…..could you get walkers and such around in it?
A nice thought out are there any members in your community where you’ve seen or know of them having a small living unit you could tour with your parents? Maybe ask on Facebook or Nextdoor etc? People are often very happy to show their successful home upgrades. I wouldn’t think they’d want you taking photos whatnot, but just seeing a working situation may help your parents. I sure wish our kids had enough land to consider that for us, but we are well set for now, maybe 15-20 years at least. Glad we have a one story, a decent walk in shower with installed grab bars and should be able to install wheelchair ramps in the future if needed.
Keep in mind your parents age. They have lived their life and you are getting ready to retire and live your life. If they move on your property and need help it will fall on you to take care of them. I have had this happen in my family and it wears you down. I would suggest they move to a senior complex where they can be around people and where they have activities. Some of these places even have a nursing section they can move into when that time comes and there are people there to take care of them. You are a good son to help them make these decisions.
This is my grandmother's advice to me in her 90s. She moved to her senior apartment after my grandfather passed in her 60's. She said that she loved her senior apartment and the community. My mother moved four times in her final years, each time brothers did tons of work, even after hiring someone to sell the farm, her home, her horses and livestock. Grandmother thought a waste because she could have gone to a senior living community where homes are accommodating to wheelchairs, walkers and the oxygen she needed in her remaining years. Most children are not in a position to care for seniors at home. If something leaves one parent alone a senior community would provide companionship to the remaining spouse. best wishes your family
@@TheRetirementGroovesometimes seniors don’t want to be surrounded by other seniors. Seeing a bunch of old people crumbling away is a nightmare to me. When I get to that age I want to move into a hotel, where there are things going on, business, young people. I can still get meals and housekeeping done, but not signing sympathy cards every week.
I am 64 and divorced. I moved into a HUD, over 62 apartment two years ago. I have a pull cord in my bathroom and bedroom. My adult kids were caregivers for their dad for 20 years, it broke their spirits. They were also still raising kids. I hope to live here till I transition to an assisted living place. It is an adjustment to see EMS outside my apartment almost every day; it reminds me that life can be fragile. I’ve had both hips replaced with good results. Encourage your parents to make good decisions based on safety first.
On this note about someone saying living in a hotel, have y’all considered living on a cruise ship? Everything is included, meals, laundry, entertainment. You purchase your cabin and go. They would probably have to give up the Florida living. Just an idea
Your idea of a shed-to-home conversion is fantastic! If your mom is resistant to the idea, you can show her some TH-cam before-and-after videos that are sure to spark her interest! She might even get excited about picking out colors, etc.! Best wishes to you, my good man 🙏
We bought a 14x30 building for my sewing shed and it’s wonderful but when it came time to buy a home, we bought a very nice used manufactured home and had the site dug out so we walk in at ground level. The home we bought has a metal roof and has been completely refurbished. It has beautiful appliances, granite counter tops and two big bathrooms. I hope the parents and the son can agree on something that makes everyone happy. Life is short. Buy smart, but don’t over think it until you hurt each others feelings.
Just want to say I am new to your channel. I have the ageing mother thing going on. You are a wonderful son! There is a reason for you doing this utube thing. You have been a good example for me. I appreciate you!!!! - Shelly
Helping elderly parents can be very stressful . Please remember to take care of YOUR health so you can live to enjoy your retirement years too. 😊 You truly are a wonderful son !
My husband is 87 and I am almost 82, and being this old is also stressful, we don't want to be a burden to our children who are just 20 years behind us. With the cost of living as high as it is, I pray we are able to leave them something other than debt.
Try not to let them stress you to the point that your health its declining they will eventually die and yuo need to enjoy yuor retirement healthy emotionally and physically
I cared for my parents. I saw first hand the struggles with adapting a home to a wheelchair. Thankfully they had a 1 floor bungalow but it was still a challenge because of the tub/shower bathroom. Plus there were stairs to get in and getting a decent ramp was no picnic. Anyone over 50 who buys a home that isn’t fully accessible and therefore future proof is foolish. All it takes is one slip. The last thing you want to do while recovering is move or have to do major renovations to your home. I learned my lesson. We bought a house that is wheelchair accessible. Was I ever glad we did when my husband had his hip replaced and I ended up battling breast cancer.
This is right up my alley I have a mother 94 years old living in one nursing home add a 76-year-old sister living in another one Hell on Wheels Hell on Wheels I'm 75 everyday I said my poor children
My mom is 94 and able to live on her own but I take care of all decisions, bills and caregivers from a distance. It is a challenge but I am glad I am able. I think her next move will be nursing home. Good luck -
My mother was living in senior housing. I was looking for a house and decided to buy one with her. It’s 2 floors, she’s on the first floor , I’m on the second…I will never let her go in a nursing home. My brother lives close by and handles HER finances.
Very good insight into chasing childhood dreams. If the stepfather is looking for more challenges to keep busy….im betting a lot of small proprietors would love to have him tinker….antique shops, greenhouse, truck garden farmers….it might take meeting the right person but worth looking into. My father has a small farm near the edge of town and has had many guys like that …bored in their trailer ….retired and looking to stay busy. Can’t say I blame them.
My parents had a doublewide 2 bed, 2 bath with den, which really was just a junk room, but they stayed in it til they passed, sadly my dad had to go to Hospital, and my mom just passed at home, but had my sister and home health nurses. It was in a park where you own the lot, so it was wonderful for them.
I’m 75. I find this interesting because of all the dynamics involved. As a viewer, I see so many red flags. You are an enabler, but your motivation is kind. Best wishes.
@@TheRetirementGroove I learned, as an adult child of a parent who drank too much, that we avoid confrontations by taking the path of least resistance. (I’m curious if it would benefit you to talk to a counselor that helps families who have an addict in the family.) It would give you tools to help you navigate. There are ways to say no without saying no. Without the guilt that you feel. Your momma didn’t let you carry out the plans that seemed good to you in your first 18 years. You can return the favor with the same sense of love. (The things I learned help me to care for an aging spouse who is not making the best financial decisions.) Warmest regards.
@@TheRetirementGroove If you find out why they think that, share it with the rest of us, I don't see you as an enabler. you're treating them like the adults that they are.
@@TheRetirementGrooveI believe @marilynpeppers1356 made a great point, and maybe this is a better way to look at this challenge: Is your role that of an order-taker who carries out these constant whims your mom/step-father want to try or as an equal partner who serves in their best interests and yours? Good call on walking away from a 12-year-old factory built home, because do they really need to spend money on an asset that will outlive them or on serious health issues that will inevitably come up that could render them immobile? My wife and I work with people at the end of life, and some have burning needs for things, people, closure that don’t match the realities they live in. Often, they don’t take into consideration others who will be affected by those poor decisions either, and that hurts everybody. Sometimes, saying no is the best for everyone, especially for those near or at the end of their lives. Just some food for thought.
I agree with the two responses here. Generally, being an “enabler” has negative connotations. I don’t think you are an enabler at all. You seem more like a good Christian man who loves his mother and step-father and honors them like the Good Book says we ought. Blessings to you and your wife.
I agree with the shed to home idea. Easier to get in and out with maybe on step. My advice would be to leave floor plan as open as possible to make mobility easier. I am 66 and these are thing I started thinking about when I was in my 50’s for my future. Hope you can get them settled soon.
Hi Linda, yes an open floor plan is something my wife and I have been discussing. Master Suites on the opposite ends with Open in the Center for Living Room and Kitchen area. It sounds simple doesn't it?
I am i84. In my younger days llived in a beautiful 5 star mobile home in So Calif. 24 x 56.Moved due to job and high space rent. Had nice yard,upkeep of course for yard and mobile home. Doesn't sound quite the same here. A mobile home has good and bad. I still miss mine. Best wishes . Wasnt abke to complete watching. Grandma H age 84 🥰
@@sjbutler2330 I have to agree. Complaints about dog poop and leaves sounds like they have too much time to look for trouble or are reacting to a fear of getting old. Maybe see if there's a nearby senior center with classes or volunteer opportunities.
We are definitely thinking about our own future. Over the Thanksgiving holiday our daughter informed us she is expecting her first child. It was a welcome surprise to learn we will become grandparents. It's always been my dream to help her with babysitting. Living an hour away would make that close to impossible. She is searching for her forever home, as their current home is too small at about 700 sq feet. Thankfully its fully paid for. When she picks one, we will move. It's always been in our plan to downsize as our current home, on 20 acres, will soon become too much to handle with the snow removal and grass mowing. At 66 and 64, I can't picture doing this even 10 years from now.
My mother is 92 and lives in her 2 story home. She has no desire to move into an assisted living facility like a few of her friends did. She still pays her bills and doesn’t want anyone to take her responsibilities away from her. We help her pay some of her bills occasionally but that is because my younger brother lives in the house with her and asks her for money since he doesn’t work. He is absolutely worthless and actually makes work for mom. But I think it gives her a purpose and she doesn’t want to kick him out, so we don’t interfere. She lives 3 hours away.
Just keep an eye on your brother, who he might bring in to her home, his lifestyle habits, i.e. addictions, financial abuse, etc. I can understand her feelings about being needed by someone. It’s so complicated!
I just started watching your channel with the video before this one. I am a senior citizen. About 11 years ago, my husband and I chose to make this kind of housing decision as we approached “senior status.” What has worked for us was to build a custom house that is a little larger than a tiny house, but smaller than most houses (less than 800 sq ft). Everything about our house design is exactly what suits our lifestyle and needs - both now and potentially in the future. We made sure there was a large shower (no tub), 36” wide doorways, an attached covered porch for sitting and enjoying the nice view, which is important considering, one day, it might be hazardous to stroll around our property without assistance. Our house is built low to the ground, at least on one side, so fewer entry steps required and a short distance from car parking. Currently, there would be no room for a live-in caretaker; however, the land we chose to build on (a little less than 2 acres) is zoned to allow multiple dwellings. So a simple tiny house (or just above code size) for a caretaker to live in is a possibility to add in the future, if needed. This would allow us and the caretaker to maintain a measure of independence and privacy. The house build was very reasonable because we kept the design as simple as possible. We couldn’t be happier with our decision.
Hi Kim, First thank you for this comment. 11 years ago things were a little more affordable to build. Not so much now. We are looking at the alternative to the Mobile Home which would be similar to what you did. A smaller home on the property. My wife and I actually wanted to do this 7-8 years ago so they could live in it till they died. But, no they didn't want to do that back then when we both were working and could afford to build something. My wife retired 1.5 years ago and I retire the end of this month. So things are more of a challenge and not sure they are reachable at this point.
@@TheRetirementGrooveI understand completely. We are both retired now, and it’s a whole new world price-wise than when we did our house build. I would still recommend people check out building what’s called “stick-built houses” (stud framed, built on site) - as opposed to modular or other options - perhaps not for the situation you or I described but for other scenarios…such as single person living. Tiny houses can be pricey and are restricted in many areas. I was totally blown away at the modest, minimum number of square feet my county’s building code requires for what they consider to be a “permanent dwelling.” Obviously, one needs to stay away from HOA’s because of their typical sq ft housing requirements. Much of our fixtures were obtained at Habitat For Humanity - all appliances, kitchen sink, some ceiling fans, interior doors, toilet, bathroom sink, and some aspects of our kitchen cabinetry. That savings alone made a world of difference to the total cost. Incidentally, we chose to be the owner-builders but paid a semi-retired home builder to work for us as our consultant and do (only) those things we lacked knowledge how to do. Incidentally, it was his contacts (carpenters, plumbers, electricians, etc.) that saved the day because we had no clout to obtain “the good ones” - but he did. The final house design that was filed as the “official blueprint” with our county’s building dept was a pencil drawing I made on a single sheet of 8 1/2 x 11” grid paper. I even forgot to allow for the thickness of interior and exterior walls. Oh my! But our consultant figured out how to make my design a reality and meet the required building codes. Where there’s a strong enough will, there’s a way! 😊 I hope this info helps and encourages those, who are faced with a housing challenge for themselves or loved ones. PS: If possible, 9’ ceilings and an open plan makes our little 1 BR/1Bathroom house feel quite spacious. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s foolish to build a house with only 1 BR and 1 Bath…you should build whatever works for your needs. Recently, I saw a similar 1 BR/1Bath house advertised for sale in my community and the price was listed at well over $300,000, nowhere near what we paid for ours. It shows me there’s a growing need for smaller (but larger than tiny house) dwellings.
Those overpriced sheds are a horrible idea. A one in a half or two car garage kit with a monolithic foundation can be built for the same price as a junk shed. Also use two mini split heat pumps (two zones) instead of one massive heat pump, that way If one heat pump ever failed the second heat pump would still allow them to live in the house while the broken heat pump is being fixed.
My dad's 94 and hard headed he lives in a apartment but needs to be in an assisted living facility. He has fallen a few times last time said it took 1 1/2 hours to get up from between bed and dresser and had no idea how he fell out of bed. I'm 72 and disabled hard to take care of myself so even if he would (an he won't) i cant
Been there, done that. It is of utmost importance that your parents live their last days with as much control over their circumstances as possible. It is demeaning for them to have to relinquish control to someone else. It is hard to know where the line is between doing what is necessary and interfering in their self determination. I wish you all peace in this difficult time.
@@debbiiesiken2686 -- I learned a long time ago, the only way someone can be selfish, is because I let them treat me that way! It doesn't I'm nasty or heartless. It means I can explain how it makes me feel when they put themselves ahead of my needs.
@@TheRetirementGroove -- Just remember the salesman is NEVER going to tell you if you can legally install the building on your property. Many townships do not permit 2 permanent dwellings on the same property. Especially if someone is living there and requires sewer, water, electricity, gas, etc. In our area the fire deparment would also be involved. These issues must be sorted out before you look any further at mobile or tiny homes.
We all walk a different path in life. We never know when our time is up. My wife and I move around a lot. We enjoy it but we are slowing down. Your parents are bored but there is no age limit on dreams. They might be better off finding a manufactured home already set up in a senior community to rent or buy.
We moved from a 3000sq. Ft home to an over 55 community which has so many activities you could never do them all. Perhaps the parents would be happier in that kind of environment. Our suppers are also provided+ there is transportation to doctors offices+ supermarkets although you can order food on line and the market will deliver the food to your apartment door.
It depends if you have money or are low income. Us Low income seniors are just lucky to have roof over our head . Having people that care or a social life is but a dream.
@elianegoad1977 has a good point. Having enough money saved up to four-fill any dreams you might have is sometimes an issue. @judimantos904 My parents do live a nice senior type community. Most of the homes are those expense RV Garage multi million dollar types. They don't live in one of those but there is a building that has 4 condo type appartments all on one floor that they do live in. Personally I think the area is nice and safe for them. It is not on a major highway with a lot of traffic. And neither one of them are social butterflies these days. So they are not meeting new people and the ones the do meet my Step Dad says he doesn't have enough money to be their friends.
Those tiny homes are cabins. Usually used as rentals for vacationers. Not for permanent use. But I hear you say they come bigger just make sure they are well insulated for your mother!
You have a good point. This journey I am at now with them started 6-7 years ago. They have moved at least 4 times since then. I have lived in the same house for 25 years. Figure they would have learned from me.
I just left a comment on a prior post regarding tiny home. There are tiny house great videos on YT that would maybe inspire your parents. They sound like they need to put down roots but still travel which would be good for as long as they can. Do they have hobbies? Maybe raised garden beds (did this for my mom) or small workshop. The home needs to be built with the idea in mind that someone might be confined to a wheelchair or bed.
Land , permits, hookups, house, wide doorways, and sinks lower for wheelchair, High toilets,space for a nurse aid, vehicle, and ramp all for $ 70,000 that is not even possible in my state! Reality plans to go into an assisted living with a nursing home on proper just in case one loses ability before other and they can be close. The church idea was nice.
I don't know why this video came up in my feed, but I think the gods are telling me something. Geez Louise, you're in a jam if you have to figure out how someone can live in anything but assisted living at their age. Just look at the difficulty your mom is having walking - she needs zero steps to climb in her life. You're a great son for helping out, but I fear that you're not going to be getting much R&R in your "retirement" if you don't make some hard decisions. I think I see a big, a really big, yard sale coming up next spring for me. No way do I want to burden my kids with all my collected junk over the years. Definitely going to be following your progress. Cheers!
A tiny home is not a good option for seniors. I took care of my parents and you need a lot of room. Big hallways. Big rooms for wheelchairs or walkers. Big bedrooms for hospital beds and commodes if needed. Bed trays. Lift chairs. You want room so you can be on both sides of a bed or chair. A big bathroom with a roll in shower. The list goes on and on.
It seems they want a project to look forward to. But where would this leave you? With a liability? There’s a fine line between a mobile home and a modular home. One being an asset. The other a liability. And what could bring them more joy than being involved in a project with their son? Completion of this project will not necessarily bring satisfaction. It will mark the beginning of the next one. So don’t rush to find a quick solution. Because what they actually need is a reason to get out of bed every morning. Something to look forward to. And it could benefit yourself. Being newly retired. What are your plans? We always learn from our parents. Now we can learn how to be old.
I am 75 years old and bought my retirement condominium at the age of 50. Paid it off before I retired. I am extremely happy where I am. The community I live in tends to attract people 50+, although we do have a few younger families with children.
I am looking at the dynamic here and find it VERY sad, but also frustrating. I remember when my grandma passed away after a long sickness, one day my mother turned to me and said: " Now we are the old people" , referring to my dad and her. Fast-forward down the road a quick 15 years... my mom passed away after a car accident. I remembered that statement and realized NOW I am the Old one! Time goes so quickly!! There is NO amount of planning that can prepare us for the changes in our physical bodies or our mental state!! Recently my son told me he wanted to "take over my finances" I know I would quickly be homeless like him, because he has never put down roots for more than a minute. it's a fragile life!!
Even at 87 years old my Mother still has a good head and can take care of her finances. I am on their accounts and can monitor the spending in case a Spammer was to get ahold of them. But that is as far as I go at this time. I have all their bills on direct pay so no worries about that for her. Just Gas, Groceries and Lottery Tickets is all they need to worry about. Oh Golf Course Fees too for him,.
@@TheRetirementGroove sounds awesome! Some people simply do better in old age than others... your family is lucky to have you there for them.
Hi dianaj.....you are smart and have appraised your situation well. Keep your finances out of his hands. All the best to you ✨😊✨.
I worked in a nursing home and a resident told me her story. She’d lived in her paid off home for years. Her son asked her to move in with him, he’d take care of her. She did and he lost his house less than 5 years later. She was placed in the nursing home. She gave up her security on her sons promise to take care of her.
We are 71, 75. Moved into a gated Florida 55+ community 5 yrs ago. Actually, a man who my husband took care of for 10 years unknowingly gave us the house, he had no family. What a blessing! We remodeled it and plan to stay. We've had to set boundaries with neighbors who think we can take care of them too. Some are very entitled. We've learned to only do what our heart says to do. They can hire someone else.
You sound very wise. Yes. Take care of yourself. Be generous only to the pointvit seems right TO YOU. May God bless you!!
My siblings and I took care of my parents the last 3 years of their lives. They lived in a one story house. We all lived less then one mile from them which was perfect for us to go by often to check on them or take them to Dr appts. They didn’t want to go to a nursing home so we promised them we wouldn’t put them in one.
We hired someone to do the lawn care. We took care of their finances, paid their bills for them and did the handiwork around the house. We did all the handicapped adjustments to the house for them. When it was time for home health to come, then hospice, we were there too. Unfortunately, the years went by fast. 😢
My suggestion would be to have them rent/buy a house near you to do same as we did.
They’re lucky to have you to help them. Good luck.
Great suggestion about renting
A handicapped apartment would also work.
Excellent suggestions!!! I was thinking the same. You are a jewel. I pray God will bless you greatly!!! ❤🎉😊
My 86yo mil lives next door and her 65yo son lives with her and even though he lives with her she still falls..if he didn’t live with her my hubby would have to move in and live with her as she’s gotten so weak just sitting in her chair waiting to b waited on that she will soon become bedfast and will have to go to a nursing home as none of us are physically able to take care of that kind of need..all because she refuses to do anything but sit in her chair and holler for her son if she as much as wants a bottle of water..the woman doesn’t realize what she’s done to herself and where she’s going to end up
Planning for retirement includes gathering some ideas about how you might spend your time, and then being ready to change your mind. At 74 and 76, we are finding that we are enjoying being quiet at home more and more, which surprises me. But then we have always been happy hanging out together- dated in high school, married 56 years.
Hi Susan, yes I agree about being quiet at home. My wife and I are about the same. Would just enjoy piece and quiet.
The Salesman, already has the parents sold, the last thing he wants is to talk to "The Son".😮
Thank you for sharing. You have shown me I need to rethink a few things in my future plans. God bless you. What a kind human being you are. 🌷
Thank you so much. I try to be the best person I can be each day. These are my parents.
@@TheRetirementGrooveyou are a kind and caring son ❤
My momma passed away two years ago. She was 96 and mentally active. My pops is working on 101. Works in the garden and orchard. My sister lives around the corner and says he’s going to make 105, so I’d bet your parents (and you!) will hit near 100.
Nice thing that they want to live near you. Thanks for sharing
Thank you.
Having just gone through something similar with my own parents, I think you have to take into consideration the likely possibility that they are both in the early or middle stages of dementia. The obsession with fallen leaves and dog poop seems disproportionate, and the unrealistic housing plans are also a giveaway. They may still be coping in some areas of their lives, but their grip on reality is slipping. As other people have mentioned, the best home for them is probably a senior’s facility with stepped levels of care that they can access as their capabilities decline.
You have a hard row to hoe. Don’t let your care for your parents damage your health and your peace of mind.
Thank you Ruby. I showed this comment to my wife. She agrees there are other possibilities as far as their mental state goes. I know my Mom has a touch of dementia. I have spoke to her Doctor about it. I have never thought he might also have the start of it.
Hello, I was looking around TH-cam and noticed your post. I am a nurse of many years. I have worked primarily in the hospital setting in many different areas over the years however now I work in a nursing home. (I also have a background in the building trades). I generally am not a person that “gives advice” but I’d like to share some things with you. DO NOT go with a trailer or a double wide. Unless you are working with the manufactures of these buildings you’ll not get what you want and your folks will complain. I agree with you. A one floor BUILT house would be much better. Your parents (especially your mom) don’t need to negotiate steps if she can avoid it. If you can have a place built then a house would be best. Consider these important things. Go for wider door ways, even if you have to have the doors specially made. I mean ALL doors. Inside and outside doors! I have been rehabbing an old farm house so I do have experience. I have 2 bathrooms and I have pocket doors. They slide into the wall so you can have more space in the room. Pocket doors are really great. If you need a hallway make that wide as well. In case either of your parents need to use a walker or wheel chair wider door ways and hall ways will absolutely allow for these. Hey, even if you need to call an ambulance, they need to get the stretcher into the place so doing what I mentioned will also allow for that. As far as a bathroom. Get a ADA height toilet. This is the best for older people. Safer. Now you can go with a shower set up but try for one a bit bigger, a little wider than 48”. Add grab bars (make sure there is WOOD bracing behind the walls so the grab bars can be strong and securely attached. An alternate option could be one of those walk in baths that close securely after you get in, they have a seat. You can use it as a tub and some of these models have whirl pool options as well as showers. (I have a neighbor who put one in for his arthritic wife and she loves it) If needed a wash room with an area to fold clothes is very helpful or a stackable apartment sized washer and dryer. As far as a kitchen. If you worry about the elderly with a gas stove you can go with an electric induction stove. This way you wouldn’t have to worry about an elderly parent catching their shirt sleeve or robe on fire if and when they reach across the stove. (I know this does happen, I worked in a burn unit) Carpeting is nice but close loop is safer. If you want to splurge heated radiant flooring is especially nice but not necessary. A
nicely appointed kitchen is nice. Try to avoid upper cabinets that are difficult for the elderly to reach into. A tall pantry cabinet with pull out shelves is useful. You want things at a height your parents can work with. Yes, make sure each of the rooms are
Large enough to maneuver around in. Too small and people can bump into furniture and fall. Flooring needs to be quality too. The newer water proof laminate type floors have improved greatly. Take a look at some, you’ll see. I know elderly folks want to
age in their homes and these suggestions are good suggestions to do just that. I hope my information helps you out. I’ve learned a lot working in the assisted living and nursing home environment. I too am older (72) so I have to keep things in mind as well.
I read this entire comment and Thank you for your suggestions. Hopefully it will help others as this entire video seems to have done. I never realized there were so many people in this situation. Take care.
Wise suggestions!!! God bless you. ❤🎉😊
Mobile homes are perfectly fine...im a home care nurse and have never had issues with any patient living in one. They're not like they were decades ago.....many people don't have money to build a new house anymore...a small double wide is really nice and roomy
Great suggestions!
My Dad begged Mom to build their new house with a wide hallway & bigger doors, but she refused saying it wasn't needed (she had MS). She said they wouldn't need the room, fast forward 10 years later, she's in a motorized wheelchair & can't manage to get in bathrooms or bedrooms without taking off wood trim and drywall. They are both gone now, but they taught us so much about life. My sister and I cared for her in their home till she passed. God bless all who work in nursing!❤
I just subscribed. My husband and I are the old people in this scenario and I am finding your perspective and feelings about your situation very enlightening and thought provoking. You are a wonderful son and I can see how your parents' perceived difficulties affect you. I am sorry you have to go through all this and I said a prayer that the decisions made are the best for all. Thank you for your candid video.
Hi Carol, Thank you for the kind words. Reading all the comments it is amazing to me how many are in the same position as myself. I find that it is best not to answer any questions they may have too quickly and put some thought into what they are asking of me. This conversation with them about moving back home has really caught me off guard. But after yesterdays road trip to see a used Repo Mobile Home I realize that I need to be more involved. I try to give them their freedom and allow them to carry on with life. They both still drive. So they are not at the point that I need to be there all the time. Right now I just go over 2 times a week and they know those days. I have a set schedule of Wednesday and Sunday. After I retire that might change to 3 times a week.
I too am the older person in the scenario 80 1/2. About 4 years ago my brother and SIL campaigned for me to move from Florida to GA and buy the larger house that was for sale across from their home. It has worked out well. We give each other space, but also do things together. They are both 20 years younger. As my only relatives they will get the larger home when I pass and use their smaller home as a guest house. I am still in fairly good health so they will have to wait awhile!
Yuo need to involved because they are a target to be scammed easily scams are happening in every sector ok
Been there done that. I'm 80 now and devoted my best early retirement years(12) taking care of my parents. They both passed in their early 90's. Everyone's situation is unique so I'll spare you suggestion and simply wish you all the best.
Thank you so much. Appreciate your comment.
My husband and I are in our mid-sixties and we just downsized to one level living and a cute cottage outback with a ramp and completely set for handicapped everything. We do not want our son to devote the best years of his retirement to our care. My parents upsized in their mid-eighties and bought more stuff and another truck for a fourth garage. Like you, I will spare you that situation, but it sure taught me how to be a responsible adult for my own life for my entire life.
First time seeing this...I remember when my in-laws in their early 80's decided to sell their home and more to a retirement place where meals were provided...housekeeping, and they could get extra help when needed. They were very active and at that point I was not sure if that was the right choice. Two years later they had started to slow down a bit...it was the best choice. They are both in their ealry 90's now. I would say that they need to go to a retirement place where they can have meals provided, ect if needed. I am so glad they made better decisions than my Mom. So my Mom is widowed, blind,, and in a house with a big yard. Years ago we tried to get her to sell, but of course she refused, move into someplace smaller. Of course she would not even though by then she couldn't do the yardwork or really a lot of the housework. Then she stopped cooking...then she started having dementia signs...lack of oxygen because she has been a smoker since she was a teenager..and she is still smoking. So...I wanted to play hardball...get the paperwork we needed signed in place, ect, she refused...my other 2 siblings decided to enable. I think they thought she would just not live as long as she has. Two of us offered for her to come and live with us...only stipulation is that she had to quit smoking...she refused. Needless to say she is still living at her home. We finally were able to get some daytime help. But of course she has to have someone spend the night, so for the last 3 years 2 of my siblings have taken turns being away from their spouses spending the night. But as long as my Mom gets her way she doesn't care. I will not spend the night. As her dementia has progressed she can get pretty mean at times. The stress of not only having to take care of your own stuff, not only theirs can be overwhelming, especially when they need total care, as my Mom does. She does not understand that her kids are not young themselves anymore and we also have are on health problems...So sometimes adults as they get older are able to make good decisions...look at the big picture...others like my Mom has not and her kids are paying the price. In my own life I have started to slowly get rid of things that I no longer use. My Mom has kept everything...and I mean everything. Told myself that when the time comes and I need to move from the house I will not be as difficult with my son as my Mom has been with us. My advice would be that there comes a time when you might have to play a little hardball. Remind your parents that you are not as young as you use to be also. At age 87 they will start slowing down more, and a year can make a big difference in what they can and cannot do. I would suggest a retirement place that has meals provided, and they can get extra help if they need it.
I read every bit of you comment. That is some burden to tow. Thanks for telling your story.
If they do buy a mobile home, make absolutely positively sure it isn't one from Florida. Past hurricanes had them trying to offload flood damaged mobile homes to unsuspecting customers.
The sad piece of your situation is that you know no matter what you do it won’t satisfy them for the long term, as you’ve stated they’ve already moved 4 times. They appear to be in denial that they are now “old”, similar to my parents. Best wishes finding a solution that works for all of you.
Like mine too
Thank you for the kind comment. I will keep at it to see what we can come up with for them.
Sometimes yiou have to say NO! They could choose to stay where they are at and look for the positives!!!
I'm 78 and recently widowed as of October, 2023. I'm alone and don't have anyone to help me with anything. I live in a large tri-level home on a half acre. It's a lot for me to take care of. I'd be thrilled to have a son like you that would help me make decisions. I've been downsizing a little and plan to have a big sale this Spring. I'm going to put the house up for sale and move back to my hometown in MI (I'm in PA). We moved around a lot like your parents and never paid off a home so I still have a mortgage. I've looked at condos but I'd be paying a lot more than what I am now. Same with 55+ communities. I feel for you having to help them make decisions when they can be stubborn. My mother was very stubborn and wouldn't take any advice. It was a struggle to try to help her. I'll keep watching to see how this unfolds. Take care of yourself, too.
Thank you for you comment. I hope your move goes well. And thanks for being here.
@@colleenbaker2310 We need to contribute to a retirement account, no matter how little, beginning in our twenties. Parents, teach your children.
I'm 78 too and moved back from Florida to Michigan, 3 years ago, to live 10 minutes from my daughter's house. I will never live in another condo again. The HOA fees would keep increasing each year.
My parents lived very long. Mom finally passed away at 98. Two of us spent our old age taking care of them. It is not good. We had to do everything for them for decades. It's beyond crazy.
I am trying to figure out how to manage my old age without my kids having to sacrifice everything to help... I want them to live their best lives while they can, and I really don't want them wasting time looking after me. on the flipside I do not want to be dependent either... but what can you do? My cousin and friend for many years fell and broke her hip... the surgery actually caused more damage and landed her in a wheelchair.... She died before she could retire. I think about those things.
They need to chill and realize at this stage in their life the decisions they make effect other peoples lives not just theirs
Yep. Those decisions do affect others.
That is a very amusing statement you made and indicates you don’t know much about older people. If they aren’t already “chill”, they aren’t gonna be. I’m 81 and speaking from experience.
@@bettye444you still have to be realistic.!!!! You are old.
💯
Great son for actually taking a trip down to look at the mobile home bc it shows that you still respect them and want to see what they want to do and not just making the decision for them. I like the shed to home idea very much.
I am the oldest and my Mom depends on me a lot.
There are subsided apartments for mature adults in a lot of states. Rent based on 30% of income which includes all utilities.
WE'RE GETTING OLDER AND WE GOT A SINGLE WIDE 2 BDRM 2 FULL BATHROOMS AND WE'RE ON A 1/2 ACRE LOT & IT'S PD OFF & HOPEFULLY WE WILL DIE IN THIS PLACE !? WE MOVED OUT OF A 3BDRM HOUSE ON 1.5 ACRES AND THAT WAS JUST TO MUCH FOR US TO HANDLE & OUR PLACE IS ON A FOUNDATION WHICH YOU CAN RETIRE THE TITLE AND THEN IT IS CALLED A MODULAR HOME !
My mom is 85, and she's had a few episodes of high blood pressure that took her to the ER. She lives in Romania and I live in Oregon. 15 hours travel time if I'm lucky and 10 hours time difference. I spent a whole month with her, and she was reluctant for me to make any arrangements for a couple of options for people to come help her in case of any issues/emergencies. She was flat out refusing to let anyone in her apartment (that she owns). At some point, I asked her: what do you expect to happen when you will need help to go to the hospital or doctor? And she said, almost spitefully, you're going to come help me, didn't you say that? So I laid down the law and said: you think I can just drop everything I have to do at home and hop on a plane for at least 15 hours to get here all jet lagged, just to take you to the doctor??? That's not going to happen! If you refuse to make any arrangements to have a couple of options for people to come help you, I'm done. I'm taking my hand off you, if I can help from Oregon, I will. Otherwise, since you're refusing to make any contingency plans, you're on your own. ... she became very quiet and almost scared, and immediately accepted us putting some contingency plans in place. So much so, that after I left she used them when she had another health episode. She then made the decision that if she lost her mind she wanted to be taken to a nursing home and even started looking at which one she would prefer, how much it would cost, how much her pension would cover etc. In a nutshell, she accepted that she had to work with me and be reasonable and realistic about the future. Nobody likes thinking about death and what happens in case one gets incapable of taking care of themself, but the reality is that if you don't, someone else will be making decisions for you. Just like with making or not making a will. If you don't want to think about it , a probate judge will do the thinking for you and take almost half of your estate in taxes. If you don't care, then that's an option too. I love my mom, but I have to take care of myself first. Like they tell you on the airplane, put your oxygen mask on first and only afterwards put it on your child etc. Also, I had to have some intense discussions with my mom about the cause of her fluctuating high blood pressure, turns out she was buying takeaway from restaurants a lot, instead of cooking for herself or shopping for healthy food, which she's perfectly capable of doing, and she was eating a lot of salt and crap doing that. Once she accepted going with me to see a nutritionist and he basically told her exactly what I was advising her to do and eat, her health episodes stopped. Nowadays we joke about me being wiser, and we see each other on Skype every other day
Smh so harsh
U have to put down the facts- I know at 88 I would like my way but we have to depend on other people at certain points if we live long enough and their availablety
Please add some paragraphs.. your experience is a serious lesson to younger folks like myself.. ❤
@ @ thank you. My mom is very independent, fortunately, and she loves going out on daily walks, takes public transportation which is very convenient and abundant in Bucharest, she goes to parks and she meets with her girlfriends and also has a good relationship with her neighbors in the building. She refuses to come live with me in Oregon, and I understand her point of view. Plus she has the state pension and health insurance which covers her almost 100%. Rides on public transport are free for pensioners. So I understand her and want to help her live on her terms till the end. I read that someone thought I'm being harsh with her, but if something happens to her it's not like I'm in the same city and can go be there with her. She had a few episodes where she didn't know where she was, in the street, fortunately I was right there, this year. I have to set my foot down and make sure that she carries some kind of note in her purse with her name and address etc, with someone's name as an emergency contact etc. To give you another example, this year before I went to Bucharest, I had purchased my plane tickets in advance and paid about $1200 round trip. A couple of weeks before I was set to go I started getting phone calls from my mom saying that she hasn't eaten in over a week, that she was nauseous and that on Friday she was checking herself into the hospital and she wanted me there to be with her. This was on a Wednesday. So I got online and changed my flights to leave the next day, Thursday, paid over $800 additional. Because of the 10 hour ahead time difference I was scheduled to land in Bucharest Friday afternoon. On Thursday, before I left for the airport, I Skyped her and here she was, all good, saying that she went to the bathroom and pooped a lot, that she has been very constipated for days, and after she pooped her nausea was gone, she got hungry, and that she was no longer going to check herself in the hospital. You have no idea what hoops I had to jump through to be able to leave the next day, we have a small business my husband and I, he had to find someone to fill in for me last minute, for a month, and more things that I'm not going to get into. I basically jumped on a plane to Romania for a constipation episode... so yeah, I have to have some plan B and C in place for her.
Similar situation here. My mom lives in Germany, is 89 years old. She does not want any help. Refuses to go to a senior home, and expects for me to move back home so I could drive her around. My life is in Minnesota. My daughter and I visited her this year. She was not pleasant. I talk to her on Skype every Saturday , or rather, she talks and I listen. It is not easy.
This is a real eye opener for me. Wish I had more to share, but I'm grateful you are sharing all of this! Thank you!
You are so welcome!
My husband died before we could downsize.. so now I am in a condo alone and I love it.. I am 78.. I have 9 children who emptied our house, took care of all our finances, and 2 weeks after he died I moved in. I am eternally grateful.. ❤
.9 kids, he liked you at home
Thanks for the comment. Have a great holiday.
That’s great to have so many kids to help out. Family is everything!
Thankyou for sharing.
My children wouldn't bust their asses helping me out!
Just found your channel. Thank you for sharing. Having gone through it with my parents, You are an amazing SON! Watching parents age is not easy, and I just kept reminding myself that they were there for me with my troubles growing up. It's the least I can do to repay their generosity in their time of need. Mom is now in an assisted living home. It's a daily challenge but so worth it.
Thank you so much for those kind words. It is hard to watch the parents age.
I'm surprised at how many comments this video has generated and almost every one of them have valid points. I'm had family and friends facing the same situation you currently are and I hope for your own future health and happiness that you can steer your parents into assisted living or another condo because if they are on your property you pretty much will devote your future to being a caregiver.
It is amazing how many comments it has generated. I never knew so many people were in the same boat as I. I understand what you are saying in the rest of your comments...Thanks
You are an amazing patient son a huge blessing to your parents. I know you will find the perfect home at a price they can afford. Your mama raised your right.
Thank you Robert. Actually my Momma's Momma raised me in my formative years. My Grandma was Greek and in Greek Grandma is calle YaYa......Weird I know but that is what we called her. I stayed with her and my Grandfather a lot between birth and 5 years old. I can to this day 60 years later still remember those years when I was that young.
God love you! I hope your parents decide on something more sensible.
Me too. I have some work to do and things to figure out for sure.
I think it is great that your parents are wanting to move at their age as usually at that age, people hardly want to do anything! Kudos to you for being patient & willing to help your parents!
Thank you much. Appreciate the kind words
Good luck, I built my mother a small 32' x32' house when my dad passed away. It had 2 bedrooms, living room kitchen and dinning area together and just one bath. She lived in it for 30 years untill she passed at 97 and loved the ease of keeping it cleaned heated and AC in the summer. A good friend of mine added a 24' by 40' to their house for her parents to move into ,to be close to them to help take care of them. Her mother hated every day they were there because it was not her home. Her mother and father moved out back to their old home for just 4 months before her mother and father had to go into a nuising home only to hate every day there. Sometimes it is hard for old people to understand that we have their best welfare in mind when they get old. My mother was just a phone call away if she needed something and my oldest sister moved in for the last 3 years of our mother life to be there 24-7 to help care for her. My oldest sister lived there until she passed, so a good simple well built house will always outlast a mobile home.
Words of wisdom. Thank you
I am the oldest too and retired so taking care of my mom after my stepdad passed seems to have fallen
ALL on me. Lately I have started to get resentful of my siblings when they report all of the details of their wonderful vacations. You're a good son to look after your mom and stepdad, I am glad the double wide choice has been taken off the table...maybe renting an already set up double wide in an over 55 community would work. Best wishes.
Thanks
My oldest sister moved in with our mother for about 3 years untill our mother passed. I made sure that my sister got 3 weeks vacation a year to go see her daugther and 5 grandkids, I paid for the plane tickets and provided her with extra money for the trip. At the time I was still working and had 6 weeks vacation, I spent 3 weeks of that giveing my sister a break. Some of us understands what someone gives up to take care of their parents, some don't.
Please check county rules....on your land....or legal tiny home community (municipal and county allowed). I'm relieved though with the outcome of today. All the best to you, your wife, kids and parents! ✨😊✨
Good point!
@@TheRetirementGrooveTiny home builders will often build to your own specifications..well worth looking into. 😊
So glad I never had to go through this with my parents, healthy until death at 92 and 98, lived in their home. Hope it goes as well for my son when I am older.
My mom was 88 when she picked up and moved here, bought a new mh. She hated it so bought a $200,300 home, retirement village. I even sold my home to help her put a payment down. She ended up having to go to a nursing home because I'm disabled. We lost everything except that mh. I'm in the process of moving out of it now into a HUD apt. She was 93 when she passed away, my only family. I didn't know she was getting dementia when she moved here. 😢. I'm sorry to say I wouldn't pay that for an older used mh. Hope they look into tiny homes. I wanted to go to Newport to buy one from Randy but decided it would be too hard on me at 75. It's taking me 2 months to move. Ughh. Good luck 🙏😊
Thank you.
I've been through this with my own mom and feel as though I have nothing left to give to my MIL even though I love her and she is a wonderful person. It's like my brain got fried from all of the logistics and worrying.
You may just have to put your foot down! 😢 Give her the best option . My mother was upset when I moved her to an Assisted Living. She ended up really liking all the activities, meals were prepared, laundry was done, bible study, movie night. 😮😮😮 you have to do what is best for you and your family, too. 😢. If she lives with you, it is 24/7 and you have no life!
@@lindajohnson. She does not live with us and requires minimal help at this point. She is still pretty capable thank goodness. I just meant that I spent years as a stay at home mom and then transitioned into helping my mom with a lot of things although she, too, has never lived with us. She sold her home and moved into a very nice independent living apartment when she was in her early 80's which was a godsend.
Like your videos. Many of my I’m still declutterring at 78. Feels good cleaning things up. Amazing what you forgot you had. Good luck with finding the best fit for your mom & step dad.
Yes! Thank you!
Tiny homes are hard to live in. A great place to find is a 55 plus community to rent or buy. They will have friends and a place geared toward older adults with lots of entertainment.
They are often not allowed to have guests or partners to stay
Often no pets and a depressing environment with artificial "entertainment"...
@@dianabehr3169 -- I've never had any friends experience any of that. So, I guess you have to interview some of the residents before you make a decision which community is best.
My grandparents moved constantly. Never settled and loved where they were. I think it became more of a hobby.
Read my community post if you want to hear the rest of the story. th-cam.com/users/postUgkxBUWUijIX0-Hymz2Dd-iGqi_nT_NvwK5s?si=MSCjehAHLskE_PL_
Accessibility is so important, one fall can change everything, so glad you are looking at their options carefully. 🙏
So true!
Sooo.. you and your wife are fabulous children..❤. You need to gently tell them to go into assisted living. You will be taking care of 2 houses. We humans are not capable of great decisions at 87.. someone has to be honest with you and your parents ❤️❤️❤️!!!
Great comments. None of this means you are not a good son. It means you and your wife have the right to a good life as well. Your parents had many years not having to worry and take care of you. You need the same. Over 55+ and assisted living are great places to live. Make several visits at different times of the day or evening, have your parents talk to the residents before a decision is made. I moved into a 'community' because I met a couple reading the local bulletin board. They were shouting praises about the place. We moved and lived there happily for 10+ years until my husband passed.
Assisted living communities are very expensive. I get the impression that this couple cannot afford that. I had a friend who faced that with their mom and the upfront costs were unbelievable. IMO it's a money making scheme.
Agree with the assisted living!!! They are "independant" right now, so that would be cheaper than the "assisted" but once they get to that point, they can move down the hall to the assisted. My mom in her 90's fell and broke her hip. (2nd fall and hip break).She was in an apt all alone. She yelled at me (I'm an only child, adopted), but I moved her into the assisted until her hip was better, then she moved to independant. She is now 97. There is NO Way! I could take care of her and my multiple medical disabled adult son. People don't realize it puts more stress on the caregivers than the older person! Best thing I ever did. She's got friends there and I know she's safe. Problem is, she's going to run out of money probably within the next 2 years. Make sure you have POA in case anything happens and also make sure you familiarize yourself with the "5 year lookback" rule for medicare/nursing care!
My parents finally moved into a progressive living facility. They ARE NOT nursing homes. At first my parents were independent residents then assisted. There was also a memory care section which they didn’t need. This particular one was not full of old people in wheel chairs. Much of the population was still pretty active. They often had their own vehicles and could get out and do things in groups or by themselves. They took care of their own meals or sometimes took advantage of the restaurant quality dining facility, and participated in planned activities as much as they wanted or not at all. As a family member I still had plenty to do especially as they required more care (Drs appointments, bills etc) but I wasn’t needed for the every day ins and outs. There must be several near you that you could check out.
I am learning the older our parents are the harder life is on them because they cant do all the things they use to do
They need to move into senior living community. You have to make it clear that that is where it makes sense for them to live. Give them some different options, so they feel in Control once they decide
@@annmarie2964 It’s expensive but awesome way to live if you cannot afford it.
At the age of 60, me, and 63, husband, we realize we cannot stay on our little homestead forever.
Neither of us like living in town.
We realize that may need to change.
Thanks for giving different viewpoints.
I’m 75. I moved to my sons property living in my camper for 7 years. They wanted me to move into their rental. They rather have me in there (no rent) just utilities until my finances improve.
I’m having a hard time letting g go if my camper though because so don’t feel this will be a permanent situation because of relationship problems. I have always taken care of myself and lived rural lifestyle. I would love opportunity to move off of their property. I feel like I don’t have privacy or full control of how I live as long as I’m on family property. Freedom to breathe. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
You are welcome. And all the best to you
My parents sometimes tell me not come so often for visits. They said I am cramping their style!
My parents were resistant to independent living. Now they love it. They’ve made friends, can go down to meals if they want. Do they complain about everything? Yep!
It sounds like they just want to be close to family. They may just want to belong and have a purpose in life. The trailer is too big for elderly people to take care of, and not made for disabled people.
Nursing home or assisted living. Do what is best for you and your wife. I took care of my 89 year old mother for 3 months. Worst time of my life.
I feel you, Tracy. I love my mother but since moving her into our home nine months ago, I've had many days of complete misery. I won't allow my child to move us into her home. It's wearing me down fast. The sacrifices have been immense and I really resent it sometimes.
When you take away a person's hopes, dreams and a chance of possibilities, the person dies.
Good point. I don't think I am taking anything away at this point. Just trying to steer them in a better direction than a Mobile Home.
@@TheRetirementGroove Very wise. I don't like mobile homes, either.
I took a screenshot of your comment, I read it already over and over. My mother was having a lot of back and leg pain last Christmas so I did everything. I thought I was helping her by doing all the work and cooking of our Christmas Eve dinner. My Dad told me it hurt her feelings so bad because she felt that she wasn’t needed anymore. I try so hard to take care of them and do everything that I didn’t even realize it was taking away from them. My parents are 76 and 80 years old now and do need more help now . I will do anything I can for them. They have always been wonderful parents to me.
You are truly a wonderful son with an understanding wife considering all your been through. You have much more patience than I would.
I live in a mobile home. I noticed that when I'm at a restaurant or hospital or someplace with a concrete foundation, I get increased pain to the point of needing to lay down after just an hr or 2. It makes my spine, feet, jaws, hands, basically everything hurt so much worse than when I'm at home. Our trailer is an old trailer w/floors that have a lot of give. I heard that the newer ones have more support so im worried if we upgrade this, like we might end up doing, it will only increase the pain. We want to buy a home but there are so many challenges and the inventory/prices are so depressing that it seems doubtful unless a miracle happens.
Recommend wide hallways for wheelchair fit in case needed. Bathroom structure needs to be sturdy to hold grab bars for safety. Also recommend walk in shower and not tub setup. From a previous home therapist perspective
Absolutely!😢
My mom lived in a mobile home and when she needed hospice and wheelchairs the doorways were very narrow. Just something to make sure of…..could you get walkers and such around in it?
A nice thought out are there any members in your community where you’ve seen or know of them having a small living unit you could tour with your parents? Maybe ask on Facebook or Nextdoor etc? People are often very happy to show their successful home upgrades. I wouldn’t think they’d want you taking photos whatnot, but just seeing a working situation may help your parents. I sure wish our kids had enough land to consider that for us, but we are well set for now, maybe 15-20 years at least. Glad we have a one story, a decent walk in shower with installed grab bars and should be able to install wheelchair ramps in the future if needed.
Keep in mind your parents age. They have lived their life and you are getting ready to retire and live your life. If they move on your property and need help it will fall on you to take care of them. I have had this happen in my family and it wears you down. I would suggest they move to a senior complex where they can be around people and where they have activities. Some of these places even have a nursing section they can move into when that time comes and there are people there to take care of them. You are a good son to help them make these decisions.
This is my grandmother's advice to me in her 90s. She moved to her senior apartment after my grandfather passed in her 60's. She said that she loved her senior apartment and the community. My mother moved four times in her final years, each time brothers did tons of work, even after hiring someone to sell the farm, her home, her horses and livestock. Grandmother thought a waste because she could have gone to a senior living community where homes are accommodating to wheelchairs, walkers and the oxygen she needed in her remaining years. Most children are not in a position to care for seniors at home. If something leaves one parent alone a senior community would provide companionship to the remaining spouse. best wishes your family
Thanks. Where they live is mostly seniors and it is a quiet and safe place. They don't see that.
@@TheRetirementGroovesometimes seniors don’t want to be surrounded by other seniors. Seeing a bunch of old people crumbling away is a nightmare to me. When I get to that age I want to move into a hotel, where there are things going on, business, young people. I can still get meals and housekeeping done, but not signing sympathy cards every week.
I am 64 and divorced. I moved into a HUD, over 62 apartment two years ago. I have a pull cord in my bathroom and bedroom. My adult kids were caregivers for their dad for 20 years, it broke their spirits. They were also still raising kids. I hope to live here till I transition to an assisted living place. It is an adjustment to see EMS outside my apartment almost every day; it reminds me that life can be fragile. I’ve had both hips replaced with good results. Encourage your parents to make good decisions based on safety first.
On this note about someone saying living in a hotel, have y’all considered living on a cruise ship? Everything is included, meals, laundry, entertainment. You purchase your cabin and go. They would probably have to give up the Florida living. Just an idea
Your idea of a shed-to-home conversion is fantastic! If your mom is resistant to the idea, you can show her some TH-cam before-and-after videos that are sure to spark her interest! She might even get excited about picking out colors, etc.! Best wishes to you, my good man 🙏
That's a great idea!
God bless you. Its not easy.
Thank you
We bought a 14x30 building for my sewing shed and it’s wonderful but when it came time to buy a home, we bought a very nice used manufactured home and had the site dug out so we walk in at ground level. The home we bought has a metal roof and has been completely refurbished. It has beautiful appliances, granite counter tops and two big bathrooms.
I hope the parents and the son can agree on something that makes everyone happy. Life is short. Buy smart, but don’t over think it until you hurt each others feelings.
Just want to say I am new to your channel. I have the ageing mother thing going on. You are a wonderful son! There is a reason for you doing this utube thing. You have been a good example for me. I appreciate you!!!! - Shelly
Thank you so much Shelly! Bless you.
Helping elderly parents can be very stressful . Please remember to take care of YOUR health so you can live to enjoy your retirement years too. 😊 You truly are a wonderful son !
Thank you so much.
My husband is 87 and I am almost 82, and being this old is also stressful, we don't want to be a burden to our children who are just 20 years behind us. With the cost of living as high as it is, I pray we are able to leave them something other than debt.
@@georgiasciacca2448 I'm 79 and my husband is 82, I want to concentrate on leaving our children good memories. Thankfully, they do not need our money.
Wow!, sorry parents are such an inconvenience: shame on you.
Try not to let them stress you to the point that your health its declining they will eventually die and yuo need to enjoy yuor retirement healthy emotionally and physically
I cared for my parents. I saw first hand the struggles with adapting a home to a wheelchair. Thankfully they had a 1 floor bungalow but it was still a challenge because of the tub/shower bathroom. Plus there were stairs to get in and getting a decent ramp was no picnic. Anyone over 50 who buys a home that isn’t fully accessible and therefore future proof is foolish. All it takes is one slip. The last thing you want to do while recovering is move or have to do major renovations to your home. I learned my lesson. We bought a house that is wheelchair accessible. Was I ever glad we did when my husband had his hip replaced and I ended up battling breast cancer.
This is right up my alley I have a mother 94 years old living in one nursing home add a 76-year-old sister living in another one Hell on Wheels Hell on Wheels I'm 75 everyday I said my poor children
My mom is 94 and able to live on her own but I take care of all decisions, bills and caregivers from a distance. It is a challenge but I am glad I am able. I think her next move will be nursing home. Good luck -
Your parents need to get down on their knees each night praying to God, thanking him for having a son that cares the way you do!
Thank you so much for those words...
My mother was living in senior housing. I was looking for a house and decided to buy one with her. It’s 2 floors, she’s on the first floor , I’m on the second…I will never let her go in a nursing home. My brother lives close by and handles HER finances.
That is awesome!
God bless. They haven’t aged a bit in their minds… you are a great son…. Love your parents. ….. ….. they are still thriving
Thank you. I do love them.
Very good insight into chasing childhood dreams. If the stepfather is looking for more challenges to keep busy….im betting a lot of small proprietors would love to have him tinker….antique shops, greenhouse, truck garden farmers….it might take meeting the right person but worth looking into. My father has a small farm near the edge of town and has had many guys like that …bored in their trailer ….retired and looking to stay busy. Can’t say I blame them.
Good idea's. I might suggest some kind of job part time that is
My parents had a doublewide 2 bed, 2 bath with den, which really was just a junk room, but they stayed in it til they passed, sadly my dad had to go to Hospital, and my mom just passed at home, but had my sister and home health nurses. It was in a park where you own the lot, so it was wonderful for them.
I’m 75. I find this interesting because of all the dynamics involved.
As a viewer, I see so many red flags. You are an enabler, but your motivation is kind.
Best wishes.
I have seen a few other comments saying I was an enabler. In what context? Good thing or Bad thing?
@@TheRetirementGroove
I learned, as an adult child of a parent who drank too much, that we avoid confrontations by taking the path of least resistance. (I’m curious if it would benefit you to talk to a counselor that helps families who have an addict in the family.)
It would give you tools to help you navigate. There are ways to say no without saying no. Without the guilt that you feel.
Your momma didn’t let you carry out the plans that seemed good to you in your first 18 years. You can return the favor with the same sense of love. (The things I learned help me to care for an aging spouse who is not making the best financial decisions.)
Warmest regards.
@@TheRetirementGroove If you find out why they think that, share it with the rest of us, I don't see you as an enabler. you're treating them like the adults that they are.
@@TheRetirementGrooveI believe @marilynpeppers1356 made a great point, and maybe this is a better way to look at this challenge: Is your role that of an order-taker who carries out these constant whims your mom/step-father want to try or as an equal partner who serves in their best interests and yours?
Good call on walking away from a 12-year-old factory built home, because do they really need to spend money on an asset that will outlive them or on serious health issues that will inevitably come up that could render them immobile?
My wife and I work with people at the end of life, and some have burning needs for things, people, closure that don’t match the realities they live in. Often, they don’t take into consideration others who will be affected by those poor decisions either, and that hurts everybody.
Sometimes, saying no is the best for everyone, especially for those near or at the end of their lives. Just some food for thought.
I agree with the two responses here.
Generally, being an “enabler” has negative connotations.
I don’t think you are an enabler at all. You seem more like a good Christian man who loves his mother and step-father and honors them like the Good Book says we ought. Blessings to you and your wife.
I agree with the shed to home idea. Easier to get in and out with maybe on step. My advice would be to leave floor plan as open as possible to make mobility easier. I am 66 and these are thing I started thinking about when I was in my 50’s for my future. Hope you can get them settled soon.
Hi Linda, yes an open floor plan is something my wife and I have been discussing. Master Suites on the opposite ends with Open in the Center for Living Room and Kitchen area. It sounds simple doesn't it?
Wow loving your journey with your elderly parents lol thanks for keeping us updated ❤stay strong !!
Thank you! Will do!
I am i84. In my younger days llived in a beautiful 5 star mobile home in So Calif. 24 x 56.Moved due to job and high space rent. Had nice yard,upkeep of course for yard and mobile home. Doesn't sound quite the same here. A mobile home has good and bad. I still miss mine. Best wishes . Wasnt abke to complete watching. Grandma H age 84 🥰
Thank you
It’s time for an apartment where all maintenance is taken care of
They live in one now.
Then why are they wanting to move? Can they actually move on their own? Don't rock the boat! You have your own life to worry about!
@@sjbutler2330 I have to agree. Complaints about dog poop and leaves sounds like they have too much time to look for trouble or are reacting to a fear of getting old. Maybe see if there's a nearby senior center with classes or volunteer opportunities.
We are definitely thinking about our own future. Over the Thanksgiving holiday our daughter informed us she is expecting her first child. It was a welcome surprise to learn we will become grandparents. It's always been my dream to help her with babysitting. Living an hour away would make that close to impossible. She is searching for her forever home, as their current home is too small at about 700 sq feet. Thankfully its fully paid for. When she picks one, we will move. It's always been in our plan to downsize as our current home, on 20 acres, will soon become too much to handle with the snow removal and grass mowing. At 66 and 64, I can't picture doing this even 10 years from now.
Congrats on the Grandbaby. I wish health and happiness to your entire family. Hope all your logistically problems work out for you.
My mother is 92 and lives in her 2 story home. She has no desire to move into an assisted living facility like a few of her friends did. She still pays her bills and doesn’t want anyone to take her responsibilities away from her. We help her pay some of her bills occasionally but that is because my younger brother lives in the house with her and asks her for money since he doesn’t work. He is absolutely worthless and actually makes work for mom. But I think it gives her a purpose and she doesn’t want to kick him out, so we don’t interfere. She lives 3 hours away.
Just keep an eye on your brother, who he might bring in to her home, his lifestyle habits, i.e. addictions, financial abuse, etc. I can understand her feelings about being needed by someone. It’s so complicated!
Theft of seniors, drugs coming into her home, or smoking, fire hazzards...
I just started watching your channel with the video before this one. I am a senior citizen. About 11 years ago, my husband and I chose to make this kind of housing decision as we approached “senior status.” What has worked for us was to build a custom house that is a little larger than a tiny house, but smaller than most houses (less than 800 sq ft). Everything about our house design is exactly what suits our lifestyle and needs - both now and potentially in the future. We made sure there was a large shower (no tub), 36” wide doorways, an attached covered porch for sitting and enjoying the nice view, which is important considering, one day, it might be hazardous to stroll around our property without assistance. Our house is built low to the ground, at least on one side, so fewer entry steps required and a short distance from car parking. Currently, there would be no room for a live-in caretaker; however, the land we chose to build on (a little less than 2 acres) is zoned to allow multiple dwellings. So a simple tiny house (or just above code size) for a caretaker to live in is a possibility to add in the future, if needed. This would allow us and the caretaker to maintain a measure of independence and privacy. The house build was very reasonable because we kept the design as simple as possible. We couldn’t be happier with our decision.
Hi Kim, First thank you for this comment. 11 years ago things were a little more affordable to build. Not so much now. We are looking at the alternative to the Mobile Home which would be similar to what you did. A smaller home on the property. My wife and I actually wanted to do this 7-8 years ago so they could live in it till they died. But, no they didn't want to do that back then when we both were working and could afford to build something. My wife retired 1.5 years ago and I retire the end of this month. So things are more of a challenge and not sure they are reachable at this point.
@@TheRetirementGrooveI understand completely. We are both retired now, and it’s a whole new world price-wise than when we did our house build. I would still recommend people check out building what’s called “stick-built houses” (stud framed, built on site) - as opposed to modular or other options - perhaps not for the situation you or I described but for other scenarios…such as single person living. Tiny houses can be pricey and are restricted in many areas. I was totally blown away at the modest, minimum number of square feet my county’s building code requires for what they consider to be a “permanent dwelling.” Obviously, one needs to stay away from HOA’s because of their typical sq ft housing requirements. Much of our fixtures were obtained at Habitat For Humanity - all appliances, kitchen sink, some ceiling fans, interior doors, toilet, bathroom sink, and some aspects of our kitchen cabinetry. That savings alone made a world of difference to the total cost. Incidentally, we chose to be the owner-builders but paid a semi-retired home builder to work for us as our consultant and do (only) those things we lacked knowledge how to do. Incidentally, it was his contacts (carpenters, plumbers, electricians, etc.) that saved the day because we had no clout to obtain “the good ones” - but he did. The final house design that was filed as the “official blueprint” with our county’s building dept was a pencil drawing I made on a single sheet of 8 1/2 x 11” grid paper. I even forgot to allow for the thickness of interior and exterior walls. Oh my! But our consultant figured out how to make my design a reality and meet the required building codes. Where there’s a strong enough will, there’s a way! 😊 I hope this info helps and encourages those, who are faced with a housing challenge for themselves or loved ones. PS: If possible, 9’ ceilings and an open plan makes our little 1 BR/1Bathroom house feel quite spacious. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s foolish to build a house with only 1 BR and 1 Bath…you should build whatever works for your needs. Recently, I saw a similar 1 BR/1Bath house advertised for sale in my community and the price was listed at well over $300,000, nowhere near what we paid for ours. It shows me there’s a growing need for smaller (but larger than tiny house) dwellings.
Make sure the hall, door frames can accommodate a wheel chair or powerchair, including front door ramp up and down.
Wot a lovely patient son u are, so kind, you are right though, I think they are bored ❤
Yes I think boredom is some of it.
Those overpriced sheds are a horrible idea. A one in a half or two car garage kit with a monolithic foundation can be built for the same price as a junk shed. Also use two mini split heat pumps (two zones) instead of one massive heat pump, that way If one heat pump ever failed the second heat pump would still allow them to live in the house while the broken heat pump is being fixed.
You did Great!!! I have learned a lot watching your channel.
New subscriber, too !!!
Looking forward to the next video.
Thank you and Welcome to the channel
You are very patient and kind.
I blame it on my grandmother. She would have told you she had me during my formative years.
My Mom 87 yo lives in a rent controlled senior living apartment and it is beautiful! She is like the events coordinator there 😅.
cool
Consider a Park Model. They’re considered RVs but like a manufactured home. Caavco makes them, usually 400 sq ft
My dad's 94 and hard headed he lives in a apartment but needs to be in an assisted living facility. He has fallen a few times last time said it took 1 1/2 hours to get up from between bed and dresser and had no idea how he fell out of bed. I'm 72 and disabled hard to take care of myself so even if he would (an he won't) i cant
Same. My Dad is 91 and lives in an apartment by himself. Very hard headed man
Been there, done that. It is of utmost importance that your parents live their last days with as much control over their circumstances as possible. It is demeaning for them to have to relinquish control to someone else. It is hard to know where the line is between doing what is necessary and interfering in their self determination. I wish you all peace in this difficult time.
Thank you. I do agree with your comment
@@TheRetirementGroove You are doing a really good job.
It's also selfish of them not to take into consideration the needs of others...talking from experience...
@@debbiiesiken2686 -- I learned a long time ago, the only way someone can be selfish, is because I let them treat me that way! It doesn't I'm nasty or heartless. It means I can explain how it makes me feel when they put themselves ahead of my needs.
Look into Granny Pods. Tiny homes that are ADA accessible for older folks that can be dropped onto the property.
I’ve been in a powerchair for 25 years. The independent living senior apartments are wonderful too.
Thank God
Yea really
@@TheRetirementGroove -- Just remember the salesman is NEVER going to tell you if you can legally install the building on your property. Many townships do not permit 2 permanent dwellings on the same property. Especially if someone is living there and requires sewer, water, electricity, gas, etc. In our area the fire deparment would also be involved. These issues must be sorted out before you look any further at mobile or tiny homes.
Those tiny homes are cute.
You could have the easier to use bathtub installed.
And you could make sure that wheelchairs can be used…
So much to think about.
Yes there is
Oh my goodness they need that much room they ought to be an elderly housing I am 75 haven't started anything yet but I pity by poor children
You are such a good son. God make your way smooth.
Ty
Fascinating.
We all walk a different path in life. We never know when our time is up. My wife and I move around a lot. We enjoy it but we are slowing down.
Your parents are bored but there is no age limit on dreams. They might be better off finding a manufactured home already set up in a senior community to rent or buy.
With mobile homes especially used it being a 2012 might not be insurable. Check insurance rates before purchasing
We moved from a 3000sq. Ft home to an over 55 community which has so many activities you could never do them all. Perhaps the parents would be happier in that kind of environment. Our suppers are also provided+ there is transportation to doctors offices+ supermarkets although you can order food on line and the market will deliver the food to your apartment door.
It depends if you have money or are low income. Us Low income seniors are just lucky to have roof over our head . Having people that care or a social life is but a dream.
@elianegoad1977 has a good point. Having enough money saved up to four-fill any dreams you might have is sometimes an issue. @judimantos904 My parents do live a nice senior type community. Most of the homes are those expense RV Garage multi million dollar types. They don't live in one of those but there is a building that has 4 condo type appartments all on one floor that they do live in. Personally I think the area is nice and safe for them. It is not on a major highway with a lot of traffic. And neither one of them are social butterflies these days. So they are not meeting new people and the ones the do meet my Step Dad says he doesn't have enough money to be their friends.
Those tiny homes are cabins. Usually used as rentals for vacationers. Not for permanent use. But I hear you say they come bigger just make sure they are well insulated for your mother!
You have the patience of Job. I think the question is what will happen when they decide to move again as it seems highly likely that will happen?
You have a good point. This journey I am at now with them started 6-7 years ago. They have moved at least 4 times since then. I have lived in the same house for 25 years. Figure they would have learned from me.
I just left a comment on a prior post regarding tiny home. There are tiny house great videos on YT that would maybe inspire your parents. They sound like they need to put down roots but still travel which would be good for as long as they can. Do they have hobbies? Maybe raised garden beds (did this for my mom) or small workshop. The home needs to be built with the idea in mind that someone might be confined to a wheelchair or bed.
Thanks for sharing!! Yes I agree about the building must be constructed with handicap in mind.
Yes, stay involved and continue to steer them. You don't want surprises.
They're so lucky to have you, man.
Thanks
Good morning Ron, it was nice seeing your mom and dad again. You are the best!
Good morning!
Land , permits, hookups, house, wide doorways, and sinks lower for wheelchair, High toilets,space for a nurse aid, vehicle, and ramp all for $ 70,000 that is not even possible in my state! Reality plans to go into an assisted living with a nursing home on proper just in case one loses ability before other and they can be close. The church idea was nice.
I love this guy!
I don't know why this video came up in my feed, but I think the gods are telling me something. Geez Louise, you're in a jam if you have to figure out how someone can live in anything but assisted living at their age. Just look at the difficulty your mom is having walking - she needs zero steps to climb in her life. You're a great son for helping out, but I fear that you're not going to be getting much R&R in your "retirement" if you don't make some hard decisions.
I think I see a big, a really big, yard sale coming up next spring for me. No way do I want to burden my kids with all my collected junk over the years. Definitely going to be following your progress. Cheers!
Thanks for coming aboard the Channel. I like the idea of a big spring yard sale myself. Take care
Tiny homes are perfect. 500 sq ft should be enough. As seniors, the less they have to maintain, the better.
Agreed
As a senior, I agree!
A tiny home is not a good option for seniors. I took care of my parents and you need a lot of room.
Big hallways. Big rooms for wheelchairs or walkers.
Big bedrooms for hospital beds and commodes if needed. Bed trays.
Lift chairs.
You want room so you can be on both sides of a bed or chair.
A big bathroom with a roll in shower.
The list goes on and on.
And he mentioned them needing 2 bedrooms 2 baths. Won’t get that in a tiny home.
@gerdischaefer5361 True. Forgot about that.
It seems they want a project to look forward to.
But where would this leave you?
With a liability?
There’s a fine line between a mobile home and a modular home.
One being an asset. The other a liability.
And what could bring them more joy than being involved in a project with their son?
Completion of this project will not necessarily bring satisfaction. It will mark the beginning of the next one.
So don’t rush to find a quick solution.
Because what they actually need is a reason to get out of bed every morning. Something to look forward to.
And it could benefit yourself. Being newly retired. What are your plans?
We always learn from our parents. Now we can learn how to be old.
I just said the same thing! They like having a project with their son.
I am 75 years old and bought my retirement condominium at the age of 50. Paid it off before I retired. I am extremely happy where I am. The community I live in tends to attract people 50+, although we do have a few younger families with children.