Cut Ties With My Hypercritical Parents?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- Cut Ties With My Hypercritical Parents?
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"Why do I have to do so much work for you to love me?" Oh man, that struck a major chord with me
I’m using this phrase?
I needed this... I am in the same boat as my parents, and the last two weeks have been emotionally devastating. My parents constantly criticize me. I have lost all joy in my life when I suppose to be super happy; my house is soon finished, I am graduating, and I am starting my own business, but I feel numb. I had enough of constantly criticizing and making me feel inadequate. I had enough drama and manipulation; I just wanted peace and acceptance. I am not trying anymore to show them I am a good person; I am choosing myself. If they don't see my value, I better communicate the minimal.
Even though it is so hard to do, you need to take care of yourself. Get some therapy too. It is your life, and if you are not in a functioning family you need to separate yourself and go live your life. Don’t listen to what others think about it, many will say “honor your parents. But it is a two-way street. God bless you
They are not “parents” they’re abusers, they bring kids to the world to dump their frustrations on them. My BIO parents are the same way.
Starting your business requires a tremendous amount of your time and energy. As you commit yourself to building your business, you’ll have less time to be with your parents. No excuses for not spending time with them; you’re just concentrating on your business. It’s a perfect reason for creating some buffering space between you and them. You can decide when and how you’ll make time for them without losing the relationship. You decide how much drama you’re willing to take, as Dr. John advised @9:26.
So sorry to hear this. You need to be around people who support you and validate you. Your parents probably learned this behavior from their own parents, but the cycle has got to stop somewhere.
Congratulations on all your efforts, sometimes parents just have little self awareness, hopefully they will see your boundaries and be more supportive moving forward.
I went through that with my mom at 19 and dad at 25 .
Finally realized they didn't want a relationship with me .
They have no say over my life
Pretty early 🎉 good job! You are one of the lucky ones. Love them and release them
My mil was in the country and my mom was bothering me for weeks to set up a meeting because its custom. It is. But i did not wanna live through them meeting for reasons only I understand. After the 10Th no, i think she got it and then she said: “okay my dear then i dont know what to do with you…” and then i said: “you dont need to do with me anything! Just let it go.”
Sometimes we need to minimize our contact with toxic people, and focus on building healthy relationships.
Being alone is preferable to being around Dad. He's brutal at times. I've had more than enough. I quit it. I am no-contact in order to protect my emtions. His loss of "narcissistic supply" he acts entitled to ignore my boundaries. He's wrong. I don't give a crap about him anymore!
Carlos....Dr. Delony is spot on. Your parents have not respected the boundaries you've set. They keep pulling you back into their drama because they know they can.....you allow it. Firm up your boundaries and don't feel guilty about it. They will not respect you unless and until you first respect yourself. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it.
I feel for this guy. He should be prepared for them to abandon him before he completely cuts ties. Some people when faced with concrete boundaries will go ahead and throw the relationship away because they don’t have any use for the person anymore. And that’s a whole different kind of pain. ❤
GREAT POINT! I'm so glad you brought this up because I have experienced this personally. He absolutely needs to be prepared for the fact that his parents may throw the relationship away once he sets boundaries because they have no use for him anymore.
They are narcissists and they need to control him to feel as if they exist. They need to abuse him to feel as if they exist. When they cannot get those things they will move onto the next target to satisfy their pathetic whims. Their disease has no cure.
It does really really hurt. When you are firm w boundaries and they are fine living without you, yeah, no child or adult child should have to feel like an orphan.
Agreed. I’m grateful for my boyfriend’s family because they heal that little girl inside me that wanted to be wanted to bad
Dad can barely be bothered with me. I gave up. He's hypercritical and doesn't shut the hell up. I never asked his opinion to begin with. He thinks he is perfect and has the right to tear others down. I deserve a better father.
Choose guilt over resentment as Dr. Delony advises. Set firm boundaries. I did this in my own life and it really helped. You can do it ❤
I’m saving this to refer back to when I’m ready to reach out to my family. Carlos’s situation is identical to mine and I had made the choice to cut out my entire family. I have felt nothing but regret and guilt for years but now realizing I did the right thing for that little girl inside me. Slowly healing but this video helps me keep why it’s important front and center!
Thank you! Your words reach me as if I was sitting across from you in your office 😊
Can I ask if you already cut ties and know it was the right decision, why your are planning to reach out to them someday? I’m not judging just curious as I’m currently cutting ties.
@@scotto4428 Hi, I cut ties with my family 2020. It has been healing for me, because it’s given me space to work on myself and things I’ve struggled with since childhood. Everyone’s situation is different, I just did what I thought was right for my family and my health (I was pregnant with my first born at the time). However there are many days I do miss my dad and regret not being part of my nieces life. It’s a roller coaster, but I’m learning to have grace for myself and grace for my family. My biggest issue is boundary setting and being easily manipulated. I tell myself once I am in a safe place within myself and I know how to properly safe guard against their tactics, then I’ll be ok with opening the door a little. My therapist told me that we are in control of how much or how little contact we want to have with our abusers. I don’t know what your story is, but know that you are worthy of love, joy, and what you feel is valid! I wish you the very best in all aspects of your life
Trust me Carlos as you get older you are going to become more and more aware how screwed up the situation was during your childhood. Your brother does not desserve automatic respect because you're the younger brother. I learned to cut off my brother 100% while in my 40's and have zero regrets not being around a selfish a-hole.
You should contact your brother now, you may realize that things are different. Hint.
@@Jenda-ld8djhis brother would reach out if he had changed to repair the damage he did.
Oh how I understand. I had to cut out my family. My mom has NPD. My dad doesn't say anything to her, he doesn't want to upset her. My mom mentally and emotionally abused me till I was 37. It is HARD to cut ties. BUT it the best thing you can do. For me it was so hard to understand they didn't want me. Why they didn't love me. It does get easier. Find people that love you for who you are. My church family is my family. :-) I pray you find that! Hugs to you! It will be okay!!!
Heal that hurting child. Walk away from the disfunction of your parents. You can’t do this anymore.
Personally around six years ago I've cut off my "father" , i only write it like that cuz he's never been what a father should be towards a daughter.
My life is better without him since he's always been toxic towards me and my life and then after intense therapy came to realise he was actually a sexual predator in my life abused me since i was 7 till i was 13 and then later abused me mentally till six years ago ..i am 37 now. You can do the math of how many years I've suffered under the influence of this monster) when i cut him off completely. I work on myself in therapy very hard to not be a victim or survivor of his but to be my own person who happened to have awful things happen to her by him. Cutting off toxic people especially in the family can make a huge change in the lives of those who put up with it. Life is too short to just"put up with it" .
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Chosen Family! That's the best!
Boundaries are only needed for rude people. Meaning, rude people are the only ones that you need to actively "set boundaries" with. Because well mannered, polite, considerate people have their own internal "boundaries" that they naturally don't cross. They don't tread on other people. They respect the privacy of others. They respect the space and belongings of others. They have good manners. They are civil human beings. They treat others the way they would like to be treated at all times. Therefore, polite humans are not the ones that require you to have these rough, awkward, soul draining "boundary conversations" with. Boundary conversations are strictly for entitled individuals who have no limits regarding what they are going to take from others. They are constantly "on the take". They are self serving. They have the audacity to enter your personal space (or home) and make themselves just a little bit too comfortable. Raid your refrigerator without asking. Grab your keys and take your car for a "joy ride" when you are in the shower. You get the idea. They are the perpetual "spoiled toddler" that plays stupid and pretends not to know better.
I AM SCREEN SHOOTING THIS COMMENT!!! IT'S hard to find ppl with good manners!!! Most ppl nowadays are rude! And expect you to just put up with their rudeness and accept them as they are. The most basic thing like having manners, not being nosey/minding your business, respecting others and their properties... it's hard for most ppl to do. Ppl aren't civil anymore.
I can relate in a distant way. I think I feel this guys pain. I just have neglectful parents as well and I'm kinda going through the same crap. I'm 31. Not much younger than this guy.
Man! That totally sucks! My heart goes out to you Carlos! Family is so hard and honestly i wish i could send u a hug.
35? It took me until age 56 to figure it out
Millennials aren't playing. We want this mess to stop.
I'm 60, I got up the nerve to go no-contact, best decision ever. My dad is the toxic one. I deserve better!
I went no contact with them at 26
Call comes in from a “Carlos” from “San Antonio” ...
Dr John then begins speaking Spanish
Como estas, Carlos!!!!!!!
Pause from a Very Annoyed, English Speaking Carlos - good, how are you 😩
It's actually because those of us in the Southern states speak Spanish phrases all the time.
🤣😭🤣🤣🤣😭🤣
As a native spanish speaker, wasn't expecting Delony to speak in spanish.😌😏😚💯🔥🇩🇴
🤣🤣🤣🤣delony cracks me up! Hahhaha
Yea…I totally caught that…
It's whatever, I'm Hispanic. I would've just smirked a little but it wouldn't bother me.
That long pause was he crying? Bless his heart ❤ man has also deep emotions ❤
Wow. I know exactly what this guy is feeling and decisions he's trying to make.
This one is a tough one.
What helps ground me is a spiritual approach within my capacity. What regrets towards my family and what regrets towards myself do I want to avoid? How can I grow to be stronger person to one day take these situations in stride, like a monk or an old church lady? What beliefs do I need to grieve, (maybe it’s the hope that my parents want to get to know me or can love me)?
I have also found a lot of success being assertive & direct.
Delony shines in this episode, nailed it- the answer is it hurts!!
I have made it through the other side of this and this particular inner work is at the core, the root of most other problems we all may have. Lost both my parents to addiction and I’m living through my father in law being highly critical. My deepest cries have always been mourning these losses, after the outrage from the behavior there is the confusion of why don’t they love me/ treat me well and then the devastating realization of a relationship that never was as it requires their reciprocation.
The boundaries are huge!! It might even improve your relationship because really what you’re dealing with is another adult child who is trying to get their needs met and it might even allow them the structure to relax into a relationship with you, it doesn’t bring them closer to you either when they are critical so when those disconnecting doors of judgement and control are closed off for them, they are left with just a simple relationship based on bond, mutual respect, genuine care/interest and maybe even love if they chose to embrace it.
You should write a book about this, especially the aspect of parents who have checked out of relationships.
Coming from an extended family that had one for multiple generations, family compounds can be a huge mess.
I'm a 33 year old girl who lives with her parents and they physically and emotionally abuse me. the other day my father beat the hell out of me for the dumbest reason, I cannot afford to move out, I'm stuck with them
You really do need to move out for your safety and well being, it will destroy you if you stay. Can you not find a room mate to share a flat, or another relative to live with?
You need to figure this out immediately. Please call someone even an anonymous mental health or domestic violence line n ask for resources. Also can you contact a therapist? What was your plan to stay there forever? Are you disabled in some way that prevents you from working? Or do you work but just don't earrn enough for your own place? Can you get a roommate or stay with a family member who would be supportive and or understand? This is beyond a crisis n God forbid something happens to you or him you one of you could find yourself dead n the other in jail. Maybe I've seen too many Datelines but it does happen? Please reach out and at least try. Even try calling John's show and ask for advice.
Having a split family due to adoption and divorce, I have healthy parents and unhealthy ones. Its made me realize that it shouldn't be so hard to just be respectful and get along (overall). I shouldn't feel drained and judged and undervalued by the end of an hour long visit. 🙃
Exactly how I felt. You become an emotional crutch and you feel guilt and shame for denying them because of that parent-child relationship. Need to be ruthless. Cut ties so you can build your foundation because they won't get it and they may benefit from that and learn to live this life without using you. Some parents have no self awareness. I totally get it ❤
Where are they hypercritical of him? I don't understand this call? I KNOW hyper critical!! Trust me!! and I am a failure and afraid because of the low self esteem, from being hated by my father! I could not get the fear of failing, behind me.
Yes I'm not sure the videos title was very accurate.
Spot on Dr. Delony.
Yep, same read i got. Just sounds like your folks like and crave constant turbulence. Definitely unfortunate. Head up pal, Gods got you.
Not to defend the parents, but to say that perhaps they have allowed the stress and pressure of the eldests' behaviour to take the joy out of their lives too. Constant disappointment and conflict can do that. Wish they could have loved to a healthier space mentally and emotionally. Very dysfunctional and very narcisstic
Yes I agree as we don't know their side of the story ( not that he is wrong to feel as he does) but clearly the parent have been worried for decades about the brother n in codependent relationship n that one person can suck all the energy out of the room if you let it n many parents will. They will also put even more expectations n judgement on the ones doing better as this can at least make them feel less like they failed as parents, whether they did or not. They will run the gamut from being angry with the brother but also enabling n often running interference for n make excuses n walk on egg shells for the brother. Especially once he had a child n even more so if that's the only grandchild. I had very similar situation but even worse in how it all unfolded n ended( though it's not fully ended yet but my father died in 2019 n my brother,age 54 last May. He struggled enormously with drug abuse/ addiction for the better part of 35 years beginning as a teen. It changed so much of the family dynamics over the years n affects everyone around the addict as well as the addict even during his clean times when he married n had a child. Whatever dysfunction may have existed to some degree in childhood perhaps manifested in this but even if that wasn't the main cause and only a contributing factor, the dysfunction just magnifies in insidious ways. Tragic
I will never understand an adult who needs to ask another person what to do. Change your phone number, get a real job, don't talk to people who are toxic, ever
My mom has compassion and empathy for literal psychopaths, but I must wipe clean our work schedule for the in laws to come and stay. Apparently I’m not nice. Yea k . Mom you pay my bills?
My dad is never satisfied, I am no-contact, he is impossible!
Needed this, thank you
Speaking Spanish because of his name? ... I thought we weren't supposed to do that anymore lol..
No, because they are both from Texas and those of us down south speak Spanish. That is why Carlos understood him.
Spanish words just happen sometimes. I and people I speak with say Hola!, Mi casa es su casa, es muy bueno, etc. Not all the time but sometimes
better not draw the line or be absolute, might feel good as revenge but ... a major reason for 'cutting ties is if you become aware of something illegal, live in mortal fear or assaulted and then it's better to fade away, meeting only in a well lit public area or be a sympathic ear at 2 thousand miles away.
Hey if you're the guy is reading these comments I had to loot cut ties with my parents when I was like 28 years old cuz they were just toxic people and they always brought stuff up that I didn't really agree with and just now after I had my son . They started talking to me but they repect me more. it's been 5 years since I talked to them and they finally I'm 32 and I stopped talking to them when I was 27 years old so you are into grown adult stop letting your parents control your life.
Hurts like hell. But it was right.
This could have been me. Thank you ❤️💖
I wish I knew what is normal for others. At least my dad is nice
couldn’t even finish listening to this. At or about 3: 45, when Dr John starts making the wildest, most extreme and unfounded assumptions and judgments about this family......
done.
He’s the professional and knows about dysfunctional families. Glad your family is perfect and you don’t know abuse❤
My comment has nothing to do with my family or me nor does it have anything to do with Dr John being “a professional” who is somehow qualified to make wild assumptions.
Unless Dr John knows of a family backstory on this - more than 3minutes of a stranger’s hello and introduction - or unless this conversation didn't actually begin here but was significantly shortened and edited - Dr John didn’t have enough info to go on and certainly not enough info to go on to get to extremes. This caller himself even sounded baffled to hear Dr John describe his family. So many leaps.
Calling it triangulation was a fair assessment based on what the caller say. If you haven’t experienced this then perhaps you find it hard to understand why Dr Deloney expressed his opinion so quickly. Having had to deal with that from a young age myself and essentially having to parent my parents - it is abusive , Rob’s you a childhood and shapes influences you in adulthood. This was me until the age of 40.
Agree. Adult sons are both immature.
Maybe the parents need help with the situation, if he is 35 the are at least in their 50s. Familes suck nowadays. Dr. John is always telling people to rely on family and friends, then labeling families as toxic and encouraging estrangement at the drop of a hat. Maybe they think his brother could be helped by the influence of his brother? this is families, they get messy at times. no family is perfect. Toxic is an overused word. Families have ALWAYS HAD ISSUES, people/
What episode name is this?
Early on in the call...Sound like he could give AF about his family. The caller & Dr. John is making them seem like horrible people. They don't want a relationship with you? They want only want to extract and use you? His parents are going thru hell and could use some compassion. How about getting them some help instead of bailing. What happened to being a family?
Damn writing that 12-year-old boy a letter! How about writing a letter to his parents?!? Dr. John is making huge judgements in a 10-minute phone call. It's not that I don't feel for the caller but I feel more for the family.
Dr. John did leave it on a better note. Tell them you will not listen to them complain about the brother or the parents. Gradually step back if they continue.
We're not given the full picture, but the caller said his older brother's behavioral problems were so extreme the cops had to be called to the house repeatedly (i.e. SCARY for a little kid), and that as a kid and adult his parents expected him to listen to them vent about their issues with his brother (instead of letting HIM express his feelings be soothed like a healthy parent would do). That's called parentification, and it qualifies as using in my book.
Prioritizing one or more family members over others and ignoring or shaming the "less important" child or spouse if they express a need or boundary is a recognized phenomenon in dysfunctional families, which presumably Dr. Delony knows and guided his interpretation of the clues in the caller's story.
Healthy relationships honor *everyone's* needs, yet the caller said he DID ask his parents and brother to stop complaining to him about drama in the family, and they ignored him and kept doing it.
Where is his parents' compassion for their younger son who grew up in such chaos that it's still triggering for him to be around? What about HIS hell?
Why not expect THEM as the parents to get help?
Why not expect THEM to prioritize meeting his needs by simply not venting to him if THEY value family?
There is so much default societal pressure on people in dysfunctional relationships to continue sacrificing themselves for the sake of "family" without knowing the facts that I actually found it refreshing to hear assumptions made in the other direction for once!
Healthy people in good relationships don't need to be told to stay, but those in hurtful ones often DO need permission to leave.
While i feel for Carlos n appreciate John's wisdom n advice here, i would add one thing. Has he had a heart to heart with bis parents together or one at a time if thats somehow better. ( Perhaps the brother at another time) Not in rhe heat of the moment when they are worked up beibg angry and or worried about the brother to explain his feelings? If he has not i would really recommend this first because one it may actually work n two he will feel better knowing he did all he could within reason n still honoring his needs. His parents will age very quickly n our minds, the decebt people anyway can begin to have regret or feel we should be responsible for taking care of one or both of them in their old age or sickness. Also while there is no easy answer to this he needs to think it through as well as relationship with extended family if they are in the picture. The parents are likely to portray him as an ungrateful and selfish son so do you plan to not see them either or have a polite yet brief response if anyone asks you why you dont see your parents n brother anymore. The brother being martied with a cjikd no matter how dysfunctional will likely still be in the family fold n invited to extended family events. Im glad he has "choosen family" but i don't always agree with John's suggestion that people just start telling people what they need from them including calling them at 2am. I had what i thought abd in some ways were very hood friends who bailed on me during my toughest time in life which began with similar probyeith ny family but them also judging my life n then losing job in recession n friends all of which led to suicide attempt a year later etc. But i never expected them to take my phone call at 2am. Maybr thets me n my friends but i doubt it. People are busy with their own families and work etc. i was a little older than Carlos n also unmarried n childless. So many people today don't even have friends or have one or two n its hard to risk learning there not the friends you thought they were at a time like that.
Sheesh this is a tough one.
This doesn’t seem to me like nearly as big a deal as y’all are making it.. “this is not a relationship” seems dramatic.
Only people living in such situations will get how big it is....
This is a confusing call. 😕
If you grew up with healthy parents, then yes, it could be hard to understand where he is coming from. I totally get where he is coming from. Both my parents only seek me out to fix their problems or just talk about problems. I also have contemplated not speaking to my parents, but its the hardest thing to do. Imagine just having someone who takes and takes from you mentally and emotionally but never puts that effort towards you. It sucks.
@@VeronicaF7 I am very far from having healthy parents but I still don't understand exactly what the issue is. Maybe an example would have helped. A brother and his child? Totally lost me. Hahaha...
@@HappyDays6058 what??! Did you listen to the call or tuned out? It’s an adult child unpacking his experience with his emotionally immature parents who are triangulating siblings.
@@HappyDays6058 The issues being dealt with here are classically narcissistic parents and them trying to keep involving the caller in issues he has no involvement with (Brother and child). they call it "flying monkeys" in the narcissistic community.
@S K nope, definitely not a perfect daughter. I also do not hold them to be perfect. It's complicated, and every situation is unique. I sympathize with the caller.
Speaking Spanish because of his name? ... I thought we weren't supposed to do that anymore lol..