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Then Franckie, INFJs just have to put away this little moment coming after the fact they listen somebody. It's like cleaning their classified datas on their mind just after being received the new information from the protagonist. Relying on an external thinking pattern may help them a lot. As for an example : Heather Locklear is a very good seller, because she's blond and gets long hair. This statement is an Te pattern that INFJs could refer to. This, rather than thinking "omgosh I saw Heather with a 3 days beard on a vid, then I felt bizarre feelings that affect my rationality "
FJ idk how i missed this video but as an intp i am practically begging you to make a similar video on the INTP type, this was worded so well and more coherent than any other videos i’ve watched on this topic
My whole life I believed I was a good listener until I realized I wasn't and was doing exactly what you said, pretending i was listening while developing fanfics in my head or thinking about what i was going to do when the conversation is over
@@jellyfishi_ Damn what has fanfic done to you. I am not a fanfic reader but I like to read a lot of books this means that I m wasting my time. There is always a crisis going on coz the world is not a happy place and we are not some magical fairy who can stop it anyway.
The test isn't very reliable because it could change depending on your mood but the science behind it is not pseudoscience. Maybe research other sources to verify information and make sure they source their sources idk lol??
@Being Anonymous The mbti is just to know the arrangement of your cognitive functions (kinda like the basics of your brain). You can just search on youtube some videos about the relationship between mbti and cognitive functions, and go even deeper on how cog functions work.
I literally need to rewatch this again BECAUSE I got to the end and realised I wasn't listening properly. I was too in my head. So yep I can confirm, you're right! Lol.
@@qu0thraven it's not him. INFJs, when they listen to things, the need to make senses of everything to fit into their mind, only then they're back to the present and start to listen again. That's why Frank said that INFJs tend to lag behind in conversations.
@@anythingwilldo_833 - I hear you there and you are not wrong. However, I am mentally comparing to other videos he has done of a similar style over time. Like, obviously I am not comparing to his 16 Personalities comedy sketches or his fun Vlogger spoofs, etc.
Me too, I almost always know what they're going to say so I fast-forward through conversations and I'm done with them and moved on before they stop speaking. One reason why ppl bore me.
For ages I though it was just me. As an INFJ I’m constantly aware of others behaviour in a conversation (and in general) and sometimes form a narrative in my mind or make guesses about a person based on the patterns I’ve seen. I am usually listening but my mind is also preoccupied with giving the impression that I’m listening. I always want to receive an emotional reaction which means I naturally want to provide one for others as well . So I’m constantly aware of the social cues I need to make make someone comfortable: eye contact (but not constantly as that would be intimidating), nodding occasionally and “insert question about topic the other person likes here” That doesn’t mean conversations are never enjoyable for me. I don’t mind doing this but sometimes I walk away feeling drained and feeling like a fake. I wish I could relax completely and just take in what others say without feeling obligated to provide them with visuals cues of confirmation. On a slightly unrelated note, maybe this is partly why I like movies so much. I can sit back and observe and appreciate character dynamics, learning what makes them tick, noticing patterns that were left for a reason, and find meaning in the conversations more easily because it fits in with the overall narrative of the film. Sorry this was kind of a ramble. I just felt the need to give an emotional response to this video 💜
"INFJs say things because they want to get a reaction" While I hate to admit it, that's totally true. As an INFJ, I do this the whole time; and when I am confronted with "negative" reaction, I bend and change what I say to suit others that are listening to me. It's a pain, really, and I am training myself to say the things I think of as they are, respect my ideas, and accept that I cannot please everyone around me. And just so you know, your channel is helping me a lot going down the road of growth, FJ, so thank you!
So true, we can't stand to have the other person disappointed. I've been trying to do the same, to stick to what I mean and what I think. It's not easy, it crushes you from the inside to have the other person disagree with you so you try to 'rephrase' what you said to suit both your opinion and theirs. But we have to learn to deal with it, we can't change our stand just to suit some other person.
I think of it as getting feedback. It's hard to know in a vacuum, but when you put something out there, you're able to see the ripples, the way people react, and that can help you find your way to what we want, which is peace and harmony. Kinda like emotional echolocation.
For me I feel like I am always trying to build ideological bridges even between what is believed to be irreconcilable because I feel this compulsion to heal the tension or something. I cannot help but stand up for the under-dog in the conversation, even if they are not present in the room; perhaps especially if they aren't present. And all the while I am trying to be respectful, tactful, and supportive towards everyone and acknowledge everyone's point of view. I don't feel like I am going out for a particular 'reaction' but I do know that feedback is important to me. And despite the fact that I've got this fatal tendency to want to challenge people's un-examined stuff I am all the while waving a big white flag, not of surrender of course, but to signal that I come in peace. So, I get really disappointed if others totally discount what I am bringing to the table considering the amount of both emotional and intellectual effort I've put in plus trying to be really fair, tactful, and respectful. Similarly, it can be very upsetting to be either attacked (which is probably natural for people to do when feeling challenged) or ignored (which could be for a lot of reasons but maybe people just need time to process)... So while I don't *think* I am going for a particular reaction, I am trying to present ideas in such a way that people aren't going to react negatively and hopefully are interested in considering some different perspectives with me.
Once you started talking about how we’re constantly perceiving the vibes and emotions of a conversation, I was floored. I’m always noticing who’s uncomfortable in the convo, how are people reacting, etc. It can lead me to be overly cautious when sending text messages because I’m always trying to predict how it will come off to the other person.
It might be this quote you're thinking of: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. " - Maya Angelou
I've heard it stated that in any conversation two streams of communication are happening: 1) information and 2) whether value is being ascribed to the person with whom we're communicating Many people have left an impression on me who didn't make me feel valuable but whose content I valued. I quote people who didn't seem to value me at all. I may have even valued them while they didn't value me. This proverb only makes sense to me because most people are forgettable, and in that sense there was really only self involved in the interaction. Edit: I'm also not an INFJ 😂
Me: an INFP loving how INFJs observe what goes on under the surface of conversations. Kind of heavy, that's a lot of processing going on, but really cool.
It's quite frustrating when INFJs (inc. me) are so attuned to the dynamics under the surface, but don't always know how to give the perfect reaction at the moment... (It may come to us at 3 a.m. when we're trying to sleep)
Yes, right on. this reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George can only think of witty comebacks way too late. “Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!!!”
Dave Cross I think she meant ANY reaction due to the fact we usually don’t react or speak at all because we’re busy analysing the complete situation. Also, INFJ’s have a perfectionistic streak. 🤷🏽♀️
The whole part about patterns and trying to “predict” what happens (and lets be honest us INFJs are right like 90% of the time) really hit home for me. I find myself always anticipating something happening. I have a hard time truly relaxing because of this.
I sometimes get impatient if someone is being wordy when I feel like already got the gist of what they're saying. But I don't want to be rude and tell them that. So I sit there & die a little. Or I'll reply as if they finished and cut them off.
I think every time someone tries to predict my behavior they are very wrong. They always think I am mad because I only say what needs to be said and nothing more. I just see no reason to say anything else even though I’m actually happy most of the time. People always think I’m mad, even the INFJ’s that I know read me completely wrong.
I'm an INFJ and have INFP best friend. She shared this video to me and said what was told in this video is 100% me. And when I watched this video... OMG! This is so accurate! Especially the incline to fit someone story to one pattern saved in our head forcedly. Thank you so much! This video makes me understand myself better. *Honestly, my best friend INFP understands me better than myself, and I think INFPs are the best listener instead of us, INFJs. Actually, she told me that she awares that I got easily distracted when she told me something. 😅
yes yes!! studying patterns and body language, watching people’s reactions, who’s getting left out, who’s interrupting... i do these all. the. time. always thought we were considered “really good listeners” but this makes so much sense and is so accurate!! love your videos
Yes!!! I just said that to my husband the other day - I feel more for other’s problems than my own, especially TV. And it only came about because I was trying to analyze how fake Kitchen Nightmares was and how empathetic I should feel to these possibly scripted people 😂
i've felt real sadness for the predicament Prince Harry has got himself into, his life is a mess, there's no reset, I feel horrible that Princess Diana died, like can't we reset and make her alive, I'm not even British , why should I care,
Omggg, what you said about infjs caring more about the pattern and the meaning over the actual people is so true. Like yeah I care about the person but I’m more interested in the meaning behind something they’ve said/done and obsess over any patterns that I recognise compared to their past behaviours or other peoples behaviour.
i stare off into space and stop listening what my friends say, so while they talk about parties and stuff, i’m wondering why everyone loves parties and i don’t
It's why I love you guys so much as an ENFP... you're the only ones I can bubble all my thoughts to without going mad because you can FILTER what I say. Love you.
Me and one of my high school friends are both INFJs. We can support each other perfectly when one of us is feeling not great but when we are both in good moods we are basically making fun of ourselves and say jokes that aren't really logically related and trying very hard to sustain the conversation until we have to break it haha
One of my close friends is an INFJ and it is very nice when someone understands what you're expressing, but our conversations will turn weird and random very quickly. 😂
@@Jen-sp9yu I can actually agree with you on that part, my best friend and I clicked on the first time we talked and we could understand each other so much. I thought He would be an INFJ too since hes the only one who can relate to me a lot. We think quite alike too. And from deep convos to really weird random topics. Sometimes we even have multiple topics/conversations going on in the same chat. We realized it a lot, it was actually pretty funny and cool too. And yeah he's an INFJ, rofl our friendship is definitely very wholesome. Haha
Good morning! Update: I feel attacked lol, this describes it perfectly. it’s like two conversations in your head, the person/people talking, and your own internal monologue of the situation, I’m never really “present”. I can be so far gone in my head over the convo, even though I’m responding and looking right at you
Aw, don't feel 'attacked,' ;) This is actually quite common for most people to have (at least) these two tracks running in their head. One common example is trying to come up with what you are going to say next... Active listening is a skill that requires some study and practice for sure!
Me: starts to type “I’m not a bad listener” Frank: “Watch how many people type “no way I’m not a bad listener... without even watching the video” Me: 👀👀👀👀👀😬*stops typing *
Oof. This hits home. I was arguing with my INFP sister the other day and she kept calling me out that I wasn't properly listening to her, when I told her I'm going above and beyond the "meaning behind the words" that were spoken. That includes body language, tone of voice, attitude, how the words were worded, and over analyzing and seeking patterns in everything. She got a little too overwhelmed from all my explanations, because I kept thinking all these things in my head and telling them to her. And so she went from having no "reactions" to being a huge bundle of reactions. In the end, she told me "I get it. I understand you now. Now please stop my brain hurts.... D: I don't even remember what we're arguing about anymore." I would guess I could be both a bad and a good listener depending on how passionate I am with the topic. 😆
My family gets frustrated when we play “the game of things” because the point is to guess who put in which answer and I’ll literally guess everyone correctly in one turn.
"Not being the best listener" is not the same as "bad listener". I'd say that because INFJs observe a lot of the social interaction to try and make sense of it is a fact towards being, at least, good listeners. Paying attention in a conversation is essential to being a good listener, it may not make you the best one, but that doesn't mean you are a bad one. I've seen these two being interchanged in the video as if not being one means you are the other. It's a straw man fallacy.
I assumed FJ was saying "bad listeners" more to get our attention, because OF COURSE we are great listeners! Haven't we been told so our whole lives? 😉
@@julieburgess1225 not in my case, only recently (in the last 12 months or so, I'm in my late 20s) by two close friends. In all other cases, if people said anything, is that I don't talk much or that I am observant and (presumably) memorise everything. I can be like a ghost to most people, probably why I have a tendency for ghosting when giving up on people in my life.
I, as an INFJ would be so, SO afraid of having Frank in front of me cuz I feel like he could easily see through me. Like literally, I can relate to everything he said in this video D:
Do you think all of us INFJs have ADHD? It seems like it doesn’t it? Because of introverted intuition. I’ve got an unofficial diagnosis myself. And the struggles between both INFJness & ADHD are similar if not the same. Sensory & details, the bane of our existence
It’s sooo true! I want an emotional reaction! No joke- I cut my thumb one time and was freaking out. I told my roommate who was on the couch and she just flatly said, “oh? Oh no.” And my response to her was: “WHY AREN’T YOU REACTING?!” So, this supports your statement, lol. Classic example.
Interesting topic. It's impossible to listen to anyone when you are also trying to guess what's gonna happen next with a bunch of questions in your head. And maybe that's why after a certain time I could find conversations a little exhausting for me. Even though I enjoy listening to people, I don't think I'm that good at it. 🙃
Hmm. That's weird because I just recently had a conversation with someone where in the middle of it I realized that what I say differs depending on the person I'm talking to, as if I am trying to predict their reactions and choosing what option is best to avoid an unwanted one. But I still find myself in tune to the conversation. It's weird, like I am both in two places at the same time. Both in my mind and in reality. Maybe the fact that I'm INFP may have something to do with it.
Yeah, like "I already clocked on to your point within the first 6 minutes of this conversation but you're trying to make it an hour long." -_- I don't want to be in this conversation anymore.
Yes that was a big issue at the beginning of my relationship, it was my boyfriend's number 1 complain because he is INFP. I slowly realized that it was because I was constantly getting ahead in my mind and trying to "read his mind" instead of just paying more attention to what he actually says, 5 years later I'm way better at it but it still is my first instinct to do that, is only until he points it out that I switch to real listening mode.
I think I have acne because I'm an INFJ, i can't relax ever. After talking to people I always worry and replay the conversation in my head, checking whether I said something that may insult other people or not. I always read people's expressions and gestures and I always feel bad if the person is showing negative feeling towards me. Ughh.
I totally understand, I always think of something better I should have said hours after a conversation ended and I just feel stressed out about the impression I might have given the other person 😔
I have a tendency to do that too; to replay and analyze things esp. if something felt off or it didn't turn out as I expected. I am getting better about it though. One thing that may help is to consider that negative displays may not always be about you or the conversation at all. And even if they are... they still kind of aren't. People have tons of their own stuff they are working through and many have no compunction displacing some of that onto others at times. They may later, upon reflection, reconsider and adjust but people aren't like books and may not explicitly talk about any of it preferring just to move on. Weirdos. XD
I think that comes from feeling as though you are responsible for their reaction and how they perceive what you say. I think it’s an NF thing. And it’s something that is a struggle for me as well. It’s something that is hard to control. Remember though, you are not responsible for how they feel. They are in control of themselves not you. If they hate you because you disagree with their point of view, that typically says a lot more about them than you. “Tell the truth, at the very least don’t lie.”-(Jordan Peterson) People may not like what you have to say or do but they will respect you. ✊ A saying that I find true as I have gotten older is “A friend to all is a friend to none.” If you try to please everyone (and believe me you won’t) you’re going to find yourself more alone than you can possibly imagine, and not in a good way.
Sometimes I am afraid of talking to a person if he or she has a bad attitude because I don't want the bad reaction he or she will make after. I am also worried about if that person I am speaking get boring from the conversation. I don't want to let that person have a negative feeling for me!
*I listen better when I don't feel the need to say something myself or steer the conversation. When it's socially acceptable- or even expected- to just listen, I can do it well. It's the mental distractions of keeping peace and formulating responses that louse me up.*
This has been a huge sticking point in my marriage. We both work on our communication style, and after 25 years of marriage I’d say we’ve done pretty well. My husband has worked in his facial expressions and body language, because once he starts with the frown brow, eye squinting, crossing his arms, I just want to walk away. It doesn’t matter what he is saying all I can see is the negative body language. I in turn have to resist the urge to “jump ahead” with my assumptions that I already know what he is thinking or going to say. Or jumping in with my “solution” I am 52 and just discovered my personality type, these videos are very helpful but thankfully I’ve worked some of this out along the way.
"Lagging behind" Is this why I always have to click back a minute or two in videos to understand what I just heard? 😅 or pausing constantly to think about something before continuing on.
This is so accurate it makes me laugh. The way you're describing what we're actually focussing on in basically every social interaction.. that's exactly where my attention goes too. And I personally find it exhausting (especially when I'm focussing on how people are reacting to my words and body language, because I don't want to offend anyone or have them feeling excluded!), but I can't stop doing it, so I basically just need to recover for about a week after every social interaction hahah. I do feel lucky to learn there's more people like me out there, thank god!
I’ve told myself so many times „be a better listener, be present“ but after a few moments I drift off spinning a picture in my head of the current situation 😂
I never really consciously understood the beyond the surface until you gave that example. That's so true HAHAH I just realized it now. Whenever I'm in a discussion, I feel so uncomfortable when someone's dominant in a conversation and everyone feels shut down so I try to include people to get that balance, while acknowledging the dominant person's point. Usually I don't need to listen too hard since I already get the overall point of the person so I tend to assist in facilitating the conversation. So I'm happy whenever extroverts are in the group so I can just sit back and listen.
The Ni section mainly resonated with me... "it can make them struggle to articulate what they think, they might have trouble putting it into words" - so true. I often wish I could communicate what I'm feeling in sound effects and hand gestures but nobody would understand my random whirring sounds 😂
Lmao I have an aunt that always asks me to stop moving my hands or "what is woosh? That's not a word; you need to stop making sound and put thoughts into words" haha. I drive her crazy to the point she has to put her hands over mine so that I don't make weird gestures that replace words in my speech XD
@@louise558 - Ha ha, I always thought that talking with the hands thing was inherited from my Spanish side of the family. XD Now I am wondering if other INFJs tend to do this too?
@@qu0thraven I thought that aswell (from my italian side) but that's my aunt's side and it doesn't seem like something my mom's sisters nor my grandmother do lmao. They do talk and laugh loud tho
I'm an INFJ and I usually use my hands to keep my voice in a correct pacing because my thoughts are going so fast and jumbled everywhere that I can't keep up with it.
This is why we need time to reflect. We get so much data to reflect on, if we're around so many people or really intricate drama, we're need to reflect, ruminate and solve everyone's problems. So we can help everyone. And change the world lol
As an INFJ, you might just be (talking to yourself). What he is saying is so spot on. We are probably absorbing what you said, but listening, maybe not so much.
Oh interesting, I wonder if this 'talking to myself' kind of thing on the flip side also contributes to the more more 'positive' idea of INFJs being good confidants?
When you used the example of the restaurant, it's literally what goes on in my brain during every group conversation. Sounds like a handful when verbalised, but it just occurs naturally. The content of the conversation is truly secondary. I feel like I can only listen properly when someone's having a hard time, that they'd need some sort of reassurance/assistance. Other times? Not so much. I just want them to feel listened to, I don't always attend to what they're saying.
Yep, maintaining eye contact and not ending up staring into the depths of their eyes is distracting, thinking that that's hard and I gotta do something is distracting, not looking into their eyes and thinking that they might get offended is distracting, fml as an INFJ. Lol
So many times I’ve gotten myself in trouble for trying to stick up for the underdog. And I try to do it so that I’m not going to make anyone feel bad but either someone goes “Timmy doesn’t need your help, Jessica!” or Timmy gets mad and says “I don’t need your help, Jessica!” Then I’m like “Wtf just happened? I was just trying to help.”
Dude, this kind of thing came up in conversation with a friend recently and I know I've definitely been there too. I think part of what might be going on is that sometimes 'the underdog' does not in fact want to engage with whatever or has some other way of dealing with (or avoiding) the issue. This is very bizarre to me, but I guess to each their own? * shrug *
As an INFJ I totally see your point and gotta admit I do all those things. But also as a psychology student I feel like the attention we place on interactions, patterns and subtle information can make us quite good listeners. The way I see it, it depends on whether we make the effort to use it intentionally or just let it run its natural messy way. When I start to feel myself more preoccupied with Ni than with the person in front of me, I try to bring myself back into the mindset of actually helping that person. I find that when I come back, Ni has provided me with some really important information. Apparently it takes a lot of practice to realize the hijacking of Ni and I am only starting, but I can notice the difference in my listening skills already. That being said, it really takes intention and effort - so it's not like I do this in every interaction I have... it would be exhausting.
Also this whole "we want to fit new sensory information into existing concepts" is kind of... human nature. Literally everyone does this because our brain already takes up 20% of the body's energy so if we were to see every new thing as new, even language would become impossible (every single chair would be a different thing and we would not be able to transcend the differences in order to create the concept of chair). However I do understand that you meant something else... some people try as hard as they can to make things that are different (in a relevant way) fit their old views... Some of us are more rigid in the way we think, some of us are more flexible. Some are more stubborn and some are more easygoing. Some like routine better than others, who may seek novelty. But I believe all of us try to fit new information into old categories - at least at first. Well actually it's not my idea lol Jean Piaget wrote about the processes of assimilation and accommodation. It's best if you all just look these up. Maybe we could talk about the types in terms of how they deal with these things?
Yes I’m always feeling the dynamic of the group, reading expressions, body language, attempting to learn each individual. That’s much more fascinating than the basic words. I took another test and it said I was INFJ. I’m starting to believe that’s correct for me. It feels right.
This was really helpful in understanding why socialising is so exhausting for my INFJ girlfriend. Meanwhile, I (INFP) get hung up on values and inner conflicts and sometimes I walk away with hurt feelings (though I’ll never say anything)
What is really interesting is that INFJs make such good counselors and therapists. These are professions that are completely dependent on listening. As you said, INFJs do a good job of seeing patterns and reading emotional body language, so once they master the art of listening they can be really good at it. As an INFJ in a helping field, I have to intentionally practice being present and truly listening to the person in front of me. You did a great job of describing the mechanisms behind this!
Holy shit... I just realized that you're so right... now I'm going to obsess about this and try to be a better listener while thinking about it the whole time I'm listening to someone and end up still not listening. 😂 Fun times
This was a short video with so many concepts in it, I literally had to pause every two minutes to contemplate your words and how they apply to my life. But, the outcome was eye-opening, I realized so many things and I have never felt more understood. Thank you! Keep up the good work! 👏
That's the problem. Can't listen because every word triggers a thought which leads to a self reflection or a memory of something that happened, or a reminder of something I should say or do later etc etc.
I'm not good listener when teacher is giving lecture in classroom, cuz i have to focus, read and listen at the same time. Or either my mind gets distracted somewhere else
I struggle to learn from teachers who talk and write talk at the same time. Are college professors like this??? I am really worried. I need a time to write and then a time to listen and think. I can’t do both at the same time!
Kevin Park wait i thought i was the only one who had this issue!!! This is why i struggle in some classes! I don’t have time to process it while im writing and the teacher is talking! I need one at a time to really focus and grasp what is happening!
When you used the example of an INFJ giving the most quiet person the floor in a conversation my mind automatically went to my friend whose name is actually Jimmy... and then you said Jimmy and I flipped
Wow this makes so much sense now. I always used to think of myself as a not very good listener but people used to call me a good listener. Also small talks are underrated. They get the job done without jeopardising my solitude
Yeah, I used to detest 'small talk' but I've learned to appreciate it for the reason you mention. I think it can also act kind of like a modem handshake in which bandwidth, speed, connection type and other parameters are established. In human terms I think it can allow us to suss each other out and assess what kind and depth of communication is possible or desirable? But I definitely don't like extended small talk though others seem content to prattle on in that vein indefinitely. * head / desk *
i agree! i used to detest small talk bc that isn't a way you deepen a friendship w someone, but it for sure helps you get more friendly w someone! also, like you mentioned it doesn't jeopardize my solitude haha but i don't like continuing w small talk w people i (think) i'm close to bc then it becomes boring and i feel like they don't want to talk to me :/
I was in a Shop waiting in a Que for Xmas Gift payment. I was drawn into a question from another woman. We began a friendly 3 way exchange. Equal parts listening to responding. All good. Until the other woman decided to go for it, by prefacing that with, “ I must tell you about my Adventure!” So she began. Very excited by her re living this. I began by listening. But I realised I only pretended to do that. To be polite. In my head I am screaming: Why won’t this Lady stop talking AT me?!! Where are the Exits?!!! I feel Cornered! When will she draw a breath!!! I ended up pulling out her own disclosure, commenting on a positive she said about herself. She asked “ what did you do for a living ?” So knowing that neither myself nor herself were really listening, I gave a General casual response. Back to her then. I left thinking that as INFJ I enjoyed some interaction - but am put off to point of recoiling internally - when someone Monopolises the space! I am filled with a mix of terror and boredom! If the other could HEAR my thoughts - They’d call the police!!!
This is so funny to me, you talking about how we are so busy looking for the underlying truths and patterns. I've always had this idea of breaking the world down into the most easiest or fundamental explanations, which I view as divine truths, and I'm laughing when you make me see how I do this even during random daily events like conversations about where to eat lunch lol.
It feels like you are a friend that really understands what’s going on in my mind.. I got distracted several times while watching this and had to go back to listen again.. hahahaha
I don't know if you're an INFJ, but if you are, this would possibly highlight another difference between the INFJ and the ENFJ. As an ENFJ, it isn't really that important to me whether or not someone bores me. If they do, I consider that a 'me' problem and set it aside. I'm much more concerned with whether or not I'm boring someone else.
@@howtubeable Well, again, that would be a point of disagreement for me as an ENFJ. Just because something is superficial doesn't mean it isn't genuine. This is one of the many similarities between INFJs and ENFJs, so you could take Frank's description of INFJs and 'small talk' as a good way to describe the ENFJ approach as well. A conversation is only partly about the subject matter. It's also about emotional subtext, and the "vibe" as Frank put it. In other words, yeah - it's cool to talk about macroeconomics, and I love to do that. But since half the value of a conversation is about connecting with someone as a person, we could be talking about fig newtons and the conversation would STILL be valuable to me.
So this is why I'm watching a movie and keep zoning out on the conversation because I'm so fascinated with people's facial expressions,body language,and motivations!The family wonder why I keep losing the plot🤣
Halfway through the video; I am a good listener when I am interested in what the person is talking about. I am also pretty good at eavesdropping, and listening in on multiple conversations at once. Also, the pattern thing is really true to me. I either talk about my views and make no sense, or just wait a while to collect my thoughts. Just depends on the day for me.
Listen. I have been trying to figure out one of my own behavioral habits the past few months, and with a few sentences, you called it out. I greatly appreciate you!
I'm pretty sure all of these things apply to me, but only approximately 50% of the time. I usually try to pay attention and listen to what's actually being said in conversations that matter, but when it's small talk or a trivial topic (like everyone's favorite restaurant), I just go into the typical INFJ default, because I just find the analysis so much more entertaining than actually participating in the conversation.
Omg this is so true! I could never understand why my INFJ friend would constantly forget everything I tell them. It's like they're not listening to you but now I see why
My husband constantly accuses me of not listening to him - yet I’ve been told all my life by many people that I was a good listener. Maybe I have the appearance of being a good listener because I can be quiet and let people talk my ear off for hours....but maybe I’m not really listening well, due to my constant internal dialogue.
You couldn't intuitively pick that up before the sensory input came upon you? :D Absorbing, pattern recognizing, and someone actually being able to "help" and understand is quite something, and unusual. Most people neither listen, feel into and understand what others are talking about or feeling. Bless
Wow. I didn't think you'd make a video explaining why I have a hard time getting through your videos, but there it is. The information and insight you provide lets me make connection after connection in my brain until I've branched so far that I don't even realize you're still talking. This might be the most meta experience I've had on your channel.
One of your best video so far, hands down. You explain very well something very complex. I'm INTJ and I could easily translate the dynamic Ni-Fe (your "the pattern is the point" bit, basically) to my Ni-Te, and it just made perfect sense. You should do this type of videos more often!
It's as if you're reaching in and reading my soul. But now I have to watch this again because I wasn't paying attention to about half. Came back around every time you said something about "not listening." Haha!
What u said about not being good listeners and trying to force everything into existing patterns is like spot on with how my brain works. It also makes INFJs extremely stubborn and selective in what we see and hear from others (if it doesn't fit into my pattern I completely ignore it and forget about it)
Stay cool and attractive - haa. You're wrong - the ability to see patterns in feelings and people interactions IS a superpower. And I'm going to be very INTJ here and point out another flaw (and I hope you don't take it as a criticism because I really like you!). I don't think it's correct to say that an INFJ looks to slot what they see into their existing patterns of belief. That's just a filing cabinet and you'd be bored in two seconds. As an evolving being, you want to expand your belief systems and develop a more inclusive and complex pattern of comprehension. But all hail to you for your ability to verbalise the many and varied understandings that you have and, to boot, put them in terms of a concrete example ... and mix in some humour too :)
This is so true. I wish I had someone that could have understand this about me growing up. Made me feel left out or disconnected in group conversations.
I’m an INFJ, that’s why i’m here. The blue color.. tshirt.. you’re wearing.. it’s my most fave shades of blue. Just wondering.. how many INJFs love blue color.. 💙💙💙
FJ in a world where I often feel like no one could ever understand what’s happening up there in that INFJ head of mine, you always seem to put it together in a way that makes me feel at home, and somehow I grow an appreciation for my mind with every video of yours. Thank you man, it means so much ❤️❤️
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Then Franckie, INFJs just have to put away this little moment coming after the fact they listen somebody. It's like cleaning their classified datas on their mind just after being received the new information from the protagonist. Relying on an external thinking pattern may help them a lot.
As for an example : Heather Locklear is a very good seller, because she's blond and gets long hair. This statement is an Te pattern that INFJs could refer to. This, rather than thinking "omgosh I saw Heather with a 3 days beard on a vid, then I felt bizarre feelings that affect my rationality "
Congrats. on 300 K subscribers. ☺
Your cool
The King of Everything👑
Imagine that? ✨
FJ idk how i missed this video but as an intp i am practically begging you to make a similar video on the INTP type, this was worded so well and more coherent than any other videos i’ve watched on this topic
We're bad listeners? Yea, no kidding I got distracted like 5 times while watching this and had to go back
#headintheclouds
True! Me too :-P
Same here😂😂😭
Literally same lol
🤣🤣
😴 💤 🛌
My whole life I believed I was a good listener until I realized I wasn't and was doing exactly what you said, pretending i was listening while developing fanfics in my head or thinking about what i was going to do when the conversation is over
@@jellyfishi_ it’s not like we’re the queen and we can instantly stop wars and stuff smh
@@jellyfishi_ plus we like reading.
@@jellyfishi_ Damn what has fanfic done to you. I am not a fanfic reader but I like to read a lot of books this means that I m wasting my time. There is always a crisis going on coz the world is not a happy place and we are not some magical fairy who can stop it anyway.
@@jellyfishi_ If the world is going to war in the nuclear age, there is no wasted time. Think about it.
@@jellyfishi_ You sound like an ST lmao
“Feeling is not just emotions, emotions are only part of it. Feeling is the value that people place on things” -FJ
Makes sense
Values over logic pretty much ! (at least if your third function is underdeveloped as it's my case)
Being Anonymous MBTI stands for Meyer Briggs Type Indicator, which is just a test.
The test isn't very reliable because it could change depending on your mood but the science behind it is not pseudoscience. Maybe research other sources to verify information and make sure they source their sources idk lol??
@Being Anonymous The mbti is just to know the arrangement of your cognitive functions (kinda like the basics of your brain). You can just search on youtube some videos about the relationship between mbti and cognitive functions, and go even deeper on how cog functions work.
As a young and maturing INFJ, this is really helpful to understand why I do the weird things that I do
Yeah same here. I just want to fit in lmao
Of course
I literally need to rewatch this again BECAUSE I got to the end and realised I wasn't listening properly. I was too in my head. So yep I can confirm, you're right! Lol.
Me too.
I wasn't sure if that was because of the INFJ tendencies, or if it had something to do with his presentation for this one.
@@qu0thraven it's not him. INFJs, when they listen to things, the need to make senses of everything to fit into their mind, only then they're back to the present and start to listen again. That's why Frank said that INFJs tend to lag behind in conversations.
@@anythingwilldo_833 - I hear you there and you are not wrong.
However, I am mentally comparing to other videos he has done of a similar style over time.
Like, obviously I am not comparing to his 16 Personalities comedy sketches or his fun Vlogger spoofs, etc.
Me too, get mised in my world as he talked about physical world Xd
I was thinking of specific examples in my life where this frequently happens, and stopped listening...
That's why I tend to finish people's sentences because I can already see what they're trying to say.
Me too, I almost always know what they're going to say so I fast-forward through conversations and I'm done with them and moved on before they stop speaking. One reason why ppl bore me.
Who’s scrolling the comments while watching the video saying “I am not a bad listener.” 🤚🏼
😆 good one
Lmao guilty
Classic multitasking INFJ here behavior
Lol. Me
Why did you have to personally attack me this way xD
For ages I though it was just me. As an INFJ I’m constantly aware of others behaviour in a conversation (and in general) and sometimes form a narrative in my mind or make guesses about a person based on the patterns I’ve seen.
I am usually listening but my mind is also preoccupied with giving the impression that I’m listening.
I always want to receive an emotional reaction which means I naturally want to provide one for others as well .
So I’m constantly aware of the social cues I need to make make someone comfortable: eye contact (but not constantly as that would be intimidating), nodding occasionally and “insert question about topic the other person likes here”
That doesn’t mean conversations are never enjoyable for me. I don’t mind doing this but sometimes I walk away feeling drained and feeling like a fake.
I wish I could relax completely and just take in what others say without feeling obligated to provide them with visuals cues of confirmation.
On a slightly unrelated note, maybe this is partly why I like movies so much. I can sit back and observe and appreciate character dynamics, learning what makes them tick, noticing patterns that were left for a reason, and find meaning in the conversations more easily because it fits in with the overall narrative of the film.
Sorry this was kind of a ramble.
I just felt the need to give an emotional response to this video 💜
Why is this sooo true-
Ok wow that described what I was feeling way too well, thanks
Video: .... Bad listeners
Ad:..... Audiobook
hmmm seems legit
Ha ha! Yeah, I noticed this too and it cracked me up. XD
Lol that's awesome 😂
Yes! I don't do audiobooks because I know I won't pick up half of it, just like podcasts. 😂
I used to have audible and every time I listen I have to make sure I have the book as well because I will loose focus of the story.
Hahahahah! Exactly why I hate audiobooks . Doesn't work for me 🤣😂
Now I see that paying attention to everybody's body language and to social interaction is the reason I feel so drained after group conversations... 😅
Yes! Totally.😖🤛🏼
Or any conversation.
"INFJs say things because they want to get a reaction"
While I hate to admit it, that's totally true. As an INFJ, I do this the whole time; and when I am confronted with "negative" reaction, I bend and change what I say to suit others that are listening to me. It's a pain, really, and I am training myself to say the things I think of as they are, respect my ideas, and accept that I cannot please everyone around me. And just so you know, your channel is helping me a lot going down the road of growth, FJ, so thank you!
So true, we can't stand to have the other person disappointed.
I've been trying to do the same, to stick to what I mean and what I think. It's not easy, it crushes you from the inside to have the other person disagree with you so you try to 'rephrase' what you said to suit both your opinion and theirs.
But we have to learn to deal with it, we can't change our stand just to suit some other person.
👍🏻❤️
I think of it as getting feedback. It's hard to know in a vacuum, but when you put something out there, you're able to see the ripples, the way people react, and that can help you find your way to what we want, which is peace and harmony. Kinda like emotional echolocation.
@@shorewall - "Emotional echolocation" YAS! So beautifully put.
For me I feel like I am always trying to build ideological bridges even between what is believed to be irreconcilable because I feel this compulsion to heal the tension or something. I cannot help but stand up for the under-dog in the conversation, even if they are not present in the room; perhaps especially if they aren't present. And all the while I am trying to be respectful, tactful, and supportive towards everyone and acknowledge everyone's point of view.
I don't feel like I am going out for a particular 'reaction' but I do know that feedback is important to me. And despite the fact that I've got this fatal tendency to want to challenge people's un-examined stuff I am all the while waving a big white flag, not of surrender of course, but to signal that I come in peace. So, I get really disappointed if others totally discount what I am bringing to the table considering the amount of both emotional and intellectual effort I've put in plus trying to be really fair, tactful, and respectful. Similarly, it can be very upsetting to be either attacked (which is probably natural for people to do when feeling challenged) or ignored (which could be for a lot of reasons but maybe people just need time to process)...
So while I don't *think* I am going for a particular reaction, I am trying to present ideas in such a way that people aren't going to react negatively and hopefully are interested in considering some different perspectives with me.
Once you started talking about how we’re constantly perceiving the vibes and emotions of a conversation, I was floored. I’m always noticing who’s uncomfortable in the convo, how are people reacting, etc. It can lead me to be overly cautious when sending text messages because I’m always trying to predict how it will come off to the other person.
Exactly!
Yes.
I'm not an INFJ but a fellow ENFP, and this resonated with me so much! 😯 I do these kind of things as well...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Someone once said people only remember how you made them feel.
It might be this quote you're thinking of:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
"
- Maya Angelou
Maya 💛
I've heard it stated that in any conversation two streams of communication are happening: 1) information and 2) whether value is being ascribed to the person with whom we're communicating
Many people have left an impression on me who didn't make me feel valuable but whose content I valued. I quote people who didn't seem to value me at all. I may have even valued them while they didn't value me. This proverb only makes sense to me because most people are forgettable, and in that sense there was really only self involved in the interaction.
Edit: I'm also not an INFJ 😂
Yeah, and feeling is personal. Which makes it even harder to exchange that expression through communication.
@Bröther May I Have Some Lööps that's what you felt about their level of intelligence buddy
Me: an INFP loving how INFJs observe what goes on under the surface of conversations. Kind of heavy, that's a lot of processing going on, but really cool.
A LOT of observing, processing, and analyzing. Oh and then absorbing the emotions of others which is a blessing & a curse!
It's quite frustrating when INFJs (inc. me) are so attuned to the dynamics under the surface, but don't always know how to give the perfect reaction at the moment... (It may come to us at 3 a.m. when we're trying to sleep)
Yes, right on. this reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George can only think of witty comebacks way too late. “Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!!!”
omg I totally relate. I always rewind what happens in the day in my mind, and in the midnight I go like ‘I should have said xxx!’
Absolutely. I do this too often.
Why would you want to give a 'perfect' reaction though? What even is 'perfect'?
Dave Cross I think she meant ANY reaction due to the fact we usually don’t react or speak at all because we’re busy analysing the complete situation. Also, INFJ’s have a perfectionistic streak. 🤷🏽♀️
"why INFJs are bad listeners?"
*Me an INFJ going to college to be a psychologist*
T.K. 16 listen, lol 😂
Hahaha
Lol!
Oh crap that’s what I studied! (And today had a friend tell me he doesn’t need me to be his therapist) 🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ uh… crap.. I’ve been called out.
@@BananaGrace that feeling when you know you can help, but they get annoyed when you try
The whole part about patterns and trying to “predict” what happens (and lets be honest us INFJs are right like 90% of the time) really hit home for me. I find myself always anticipating something happening. I have a hard time truly relaxing because of this.
wow you have intuition congrats do you want a cookie
I sometimes get impatient if someone is being wordy when I feel like already got the gist of what they're saying. But I don't want to be rude and tell them that. So I sit there & die a little. Or I'll reply as if they finished and cut them off.
YES THATS ME
that infjgirl same here! Taking forever to get to the point when I already know where it’s going 😂 say it in as few words as possible PLEASE
I think every time someone tries to predict my behavior they are very wrong. They always think I am mad because I only say what needs to be said and nothing more. I just see no reason to say anything else even though I’m actually happy most of the time. People always think I’m mad, even the INFJ’s that I know read me completely wrong.
I'm an INFJ and have INFP best friend. She shared this video to me and said what was told in this video is 100% me.
And when I watched this video...
OMG! This is so accurate!
Especially the incline to fit someone story to one pattern saved in our head forcedly.
Thank you so much!
This video makes me understand myself better.
*Honestly, my best friend INFP understands me better than myself, and I think INFPs are the best listener instead of us, INFJs.
Actually, she told me that she awares that I got easily distracted when she told me something.
😅
Sounds like we’re just good at overthinking above all else 😂😂
don't called me out like this 😂😂😂
_WHEEZE_ IKR
I think it's because most of us are so visual and big picture, that we get distracted and then zone out.
yes yes!! studying patterns and body language, watching people’s reactions, who’s getting left out, who’s interrupting... i do these all. the. time. always thought we were considered “really good listeners” but this makes so much sense and is so accurate!! love your videos
My extroverted feeling is so out of control sometimes that I feel more emotion and empathy for tragic fictional characters than my own problems.
Oh my word.....
OMG.. I thought I was the only one like that tho.. Sometimes people called me out saying I'm too emotional for sympathizing a fictional character
Afifah Abdul Halim you’re not alone lol
Yes!!! I just said that to my husband the other day - I feel more for other’s problems than my own, especially TV. And it only came about because I was trying to analyze how fake Kitchen Nightmares was and how empathetic I should feel to these possibly scripted people 😂
i've felt real sadness for the predicament Prince Harry has got himself into, his life is a mess, there's no reset, I feel horrible that Princess Diana died, like can't we reset and make her alive, I'm not even British , why should I care,
Omggg, what you said about infjs caring more about the pattern and the meaning over the actual people is so true. Like yeah I care about the person but I’m more interested in the meaning behind something they’ve said/done and obsess over any patterns that I recognise compared to their past behaviours or other peoples behaviour.
i stare off into space and stop listening what my friends say, so while they talk about parties and stuff, i’m wondering why everyone loves parties and i don’t
im with u
same in here
same
Mood
Same 100%.
It's why I love you guys so much as an ENFP... you're the only ones I can bubble all my thoughts to without going mad because you can FILTER what I say. Love you.
That’s why I wonder how a INFJ to INFJ conversation will go
In my experience we both feel very validated ☺
Me and one of my high school friends are both INFJs. We can support each other perfectly when one of us is feeling not great but when we are both in good moods we are basically making fun of ourselves and say jokes that aren't really logically related and trying very hard to sustain the conversation until we have to break it haha
One of my close friends is an INFJ and it is very nice when someone understands what you're expressing, but our conversations will turn weird and random very quickly. 😂
@@Jen-sp9yu I can actually agree with you on that part, my best friend and I clicked on the first time we talked and we could understand each other so much. I thought He would be an INFJ too since hes the only one who can relate to me a lot. We think quite alike too. And from deep convos to really weird random topics. Sometimes we even have multiple topics/conversations going on in the same chat. We realized it a lot, it was actually pretty funny and cool too. And yeah he's an INFJ, rofl our friendship is definitely very wholesome. Haha
@@fiyaboo well be sure to keep them forever and ever and ever! 😊
"Under the surface" means so much more than what is actually being said. I love knowing
Good morning! Update: I feel attacked lol, this describes it perfectly. it’s like two conversations in your head, the person/people talking, and your own internal monologue of the situation, I’m never really “present”. I can be so far gone in my head over the convo, even though I’m responding and looking right at you
Good morning :)
Aw, don't feel 'attacked,' ;)
This is actually quite common for most people to have (at least) these two tracks running in their head. One common example is trying to come up with what you are going to say next... Active listening is a skill that requires some study and practice for sure!
Hahahahahahahaha exactly
yeeees it’s very like that
Me: starts to type “I’m not a bad listener”
Frank: “Watch how many people type “no way I’m not a bad listener... without even watching the video”
Me: 👀👀👀👀👀😬*stops typing *
😂😂😂
THAT WAS LITERALLY ME LMAO
Lets say we have an excellent division of attention 😂👍
SAME I-
Yea. I was about to quite the video 'cause "wow im not a bad listener."
I've suddenly realised why I'm so tired all the time.
Facts
infj need to sleep well, if not, you will always feel really tired and unwilling to finish anything :C
😅
@@OwO-lm5vo I feel called out lol.. broken sleep and exhaustion galore 🎪
Because when people talk about the mundane we tune out.
when you listen the true self of people instead of what they actually are saying...
Yeeeees
Whoaa
Exactly.
Oof. This hits home. I was arguing with my INFP sister the other day and she kept calling me out that I wasn't properly listening to her, when I told her I'm going above and beyond the "meaning behind the words" that were spoken. That includes body language, tone of voice, attitude, how the words were worded, and over analyzing and seeking patterns in everything. She got a little too overwhelmed from all my explanations, because I kept thinking all these things in my head and telling them to her. And so she went from having no "reactions" to being a huge bundle of reactions. In the end, she told me "I get it. I understand you now. Now please stop my brain hurts.... D: I don't even remember what we're arguing about anymore." I would guess I could be both a bad and a good listener depending on how passionate I am with the topic. 😆
12:56 and that's why most of us we have anxiety, because we're never in the present and we're looking always patterns in a conversation. 🤦🏽♂️
My family gets frustrated when we play “the game of things” because the point is to guess who put in which answer and I’ll literally guess everyone correctly in one turn.
"Not being the best listener" is not the same as "bad listener". I'd say that because INFJs observe a lot of the social interaction to try and make sense of it is a fact towards being, at least, good listeners. Paying attention in a conversation is essential to being a good listener, it may not make you the best one, but that doesn't mean you are a bad one. I've seen these two being interchanged in the video as if not being one means you are the other. It's a straw man fallacy.
You make a good point and my language was a bit imprecise 🙏
I assumed FJ was saying "bad listeners" more to get our attention, because OF COURSE we are great listeners! Haven't we been told so our whole lives? 😉
@@julieburgess1225 not in my case, only recently (in the last 12 months or so, I'm in my late 20s) by two close friends. In all other cases, if people said anything, is that I don't talk much or that I am observant and (presumably) memorise everything. I can be like a ghost to most people, probably why I have a tendency for ghosting when giving up on people in my life.
I, as an INFJ would be so, SO afraid of having Frank in front of me cuz I feel like he could easily see through me. Like literally, I can relate to everything he said in this video D:
I'm an INFJ and ı have ADHD ı mean ı'm in the middle of the video but let me re-watch this. I couldn't listen
😂😂
same
Me too, except I don't have the hyperactivity ;-; I'm just a damn sloth
I was diagnosed with ADHD too 😂 I try to stay focused and present. I think I'm getting better at it.
Do you think all of us INFJs have ADHD? It seems like it doesn’t it? Because of introverted intuition. I’ve got an unofficial diagnosis myself. And the struggles between both INFJness & ADHD are similar if not the same. Sensory & details, the bane of our existence
It’s sooo true! I want an emotional reaction!
No joke- I cut my thumb one time and was freaking out. I told my roommate who was on the couch and she just flatly said, “oh? Oh no.”
And my response to her was: “WHY AREN’T YOU REACTING?!”
So, this supports your statement, lol. Classic example.
Interesting topic. It's impossible to listen to anyone when you are also trying to guess what's gonna happen next with a bunch of questions in your head. And maybe that's why after a certain time I could find conversations a little exhausting for me. Even though I enjoy listening to people, I don't think I'm that good at it. 🙃
Hmm. That's weird because I just recently had a conversation with someone where in the middle of it I realized that what I say differs depending on the person I'm talking to, as if I am trying to predict their reactions and choosing what option is best to avoid an unwanted one. But I still find myself in tune to the conversation. It's weird, like I am both in two places at the same time. Both in my mind and in reality. Maybe the fact that I'm INFP may have something to do with it.
Yeah, like "I already clocked on to your point within the first 6 minutes of this conversation but you're trying to make it an hour long."
-_-
I don't want to be in this conversation anymore.
Yay hozier
Hey! the strokes!
Yes that was a big issue at the beginning of my relationship, it was my boyfriend's number 1 complain because he is INFP. I slowly realized that it was because I was constantly getting ahead in my mind and trying to "read his mind" instead of just paying more attention to what he actually says, 5 years later I'm way better at it but it still is my first instinct to do that, is only until he points it out that I switch to real listening mode.
I think I have acne because I'm an INFJ, i can't relax ever. After talking to people I always worry and replay the conversation in my head, checking whether I said something that may insult other people or not. I always read people's expressions and gestures and I always feel bad if the person is showing negative feeling towards me. Ughh.
I totally understand, I always think of something better I should have said hours after a conversation ended and I just feel stressed out about the impression I might have given the other person 😔
I have a tendency to do that too; to replay and analyze things esp. if something felt off or it didn't turn out as I expected. I am getting better about it though. One thing that may help is to consider that negative displays may not always be about you or the conversation at all. And even if they are... they still kind of aren't. People have tons of their own stuff they are working through and many have no compunction displacing some of that onto others at times. They may later, upon reflection, reconsider and adjust but people aren't like books and may not explicitly talk about any of it preferring just to move on. Weirdos. XD
When I was reading your comment I thought I was talking to myself, because that's exactly how I feel
I think that comes from feeling as though you are responsible for their reaction and how they perceive what you say. I think it’s an NF thing. And it’s something that is a struggle for me as well. It’s something that is hard to control. Remember though, you are not responsible for how they feel. They are in control of themselves not you. If they hate you because you disagree with their point of view, that typically says a lot more about them than you. “Tell the truth, at the very least don’t lie.”-(Jordan Peterson)
People may not like what you have to say or do but they will respect you. ✊ A saying that I find true as I have gotten older is “A friend to all is a friend to none.” If you try to please everyone (and believe me you won’t) you’re going to find yourself more alone than you can possibly imagine, and not in a good way.
Sometimes I am afraid of talking to a person if he or she has a bad attitude because I don't want the bad reaction he or she will make after. I am also worried about if that person I am speaking get boring from the conversation. I don't want to let that person have a negative feeling for me!
*I listen better when I don't feel the need to say something myself or steer the conversation. When it's socially acceptable- or even expected- to just listen, I can do it well. It's the mental distractions of keeping peace and formulating responses that louse me up.*
Yes! Listening vs listening with the need to respond are different
Yeah same here!
This has been a huge sticking point in my marriage. We both work on our communication style, and after 25 years of marriage I’d say we’ve done pretty well. My husband has worked in his facial expressions and body language, because once he starts with the frown brow, eye squinting, crossing his arms, I just want to walk away. It doesn’t matter what he is saying all I can see is the negative body language. I in turn have to resist the urge to “jump ahead” with my assumptions that I already know what he is thinking or going to say. Or jumping in with my “solution” I am 52 and just discovered my personality type, these videos are very helpful but thankfully I’ve worked some of this out along the way.
"Lagging behind"
Is this why I always have to click back a minute or two in videos to understand what I just heard? 😅 or pausing constantly to think about something before continuing on.
This is so accurate it makes me laugh. The way you're describing what we're actually focussing on in basically every social interaction.. that's exactly where my attention goes too. And I personally find it exhausting (especially when I'm focussing on how people are reacting to my words and body language, because I don't want to offend anyone or have them feeling excluded!), but I can't stop doing it, so I basically just need to recover for about a week after every social interaction hahah. I do feel lucky to learn there's more people like me out there, thank god!
I’ve told myself so many times „be a better listener, be present“ but after a few moments I drift off spinning a picture in my head of the current situation 😂
Yap!
I never really consciously understood the beyond the surface until you gave that example. That's so true HAHAH I just realized it now. Whenever I'm in a discussion, I feel so uncomfortable when someone's dominant in a conversation and everyone feels shut down so I try to include people to get that balance, while acknowledging the dominant person's point. Usually I don't need to listen too hard since I already get the overall point of the person so I tend to assist in facilitating the conversation. So I'm happy whenever extroverts are in the group so I can just sit back and listen.
The Ni section mainly resonated with me... "it can make them struggle to articulate what they think, they might have trouble putting it into words" - so true. I often wish I could communicate what I'm feeling in sound effects and hand gestures but nobody would understand my random whirring sounds 😂
Lmao I have an aunt that always asks me to stop moving my hands or "what is woosh? That's not a word; you need to stop making sound and put thoughts into words" haha. I drive her crazy to the point she has to put her hands over mine so that I don't make weird gestures that replace words in my speech XD
@@louise558 - Ha ha, I always thought that talking with the hands thing was inherited from my Spanish side of the family. XD Now I am wondering if other INFJs tend to do this too?
I talk with hands and sounds too. 😂
@@qu0thraven I thought that aswell (from my italian side) but that's my aunt's side and it doesn't seem like something my mom's sisters nor my grandmother do lmao. They do talk and laugh loud tho
I'm an INFJ and I usually use my hands to keep my voice in a correct pacing because my thoughts are going so fast and jumbled everywhere that I can't keep up with it.
So sad. I just turned 50 and now have binge-watched your channel. SO ME! INFJ-T. Thank you for giving a voice... I'm not broken or alone.
this channel feels like home to me
This is why we need time to reflect. We get so much data to reflect on, if we're around so many people or really intricate drama, we're need to reflect, ruminate and solve everyone's problems. So we can help everyone. And change the world lol
When I talk to an INFJ I feel like I am talking to myself. Ugh.
😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
As an INFJ, you might just be (talking to yourself). What he is saying is so spot on. We are probably absorbing what you said, but listening, maybe not so much.
We're naturally good at mirroring
Oh interesting, I wonder if this 'talking to myself' kind of thing on the flip side also contributes to the more more 'positive' idea of INFJs being good confidants?
Very true lol
When you used the example of the restaurant, it's literally what goes on in my brain during every group conversation. Sounds like a handful when verbalised, but it just occurs naturally. The content of the conversation is truly secondary. I feel like I can only listen properly when someone's having a hard time, that they'd need some sort of reassurance/assistance. Other times? Not so much. I just want them to feel listened to, I don't always attend to what they're saying.
when i stare off into space it's not because i'm bored. it's because what we're listening to is boring/irrelevant in general 😬
i relate
@@runah9780 ikr
That's it.
I’m esfp, my infj classmate friend is so good at making people feel listened to 💕💕 but she does not remember facts about people always. Love her
Most of the times I get lost in other people's eyes while they're speaking to me 😂that's why
People can't handle that generally. I cant handle convos without any eye-contact. Another reason to hate fone calls!
Yep, maintaining eye contact and not ending up staring into the depths of their eyes is distracting, thinking that that's hard and I gotta do something is distracting, not looking into their eyes and thinking that they might get offended is distracting, fml as an INFJ. Lol
It’s weird, I get lost in my own thoughts but at the same time carry a good conversation on with them whilst not really listening
So many times I’ve gotten myself in trouble for trying to stick up for the underdog. And I try to do it so that I’m not going to make anyone feel bad but either someone goes “Timmy doesn’t need your help, Jessica!” or Timmy gets mad and says “I don’t need your help, Jessica!” Then I’m like “Wtf just happened? I was just trying to help.”
Dude, this kind of thing came up in conversation with a friend recently and I know I've definitely been there too. I think part of what might be going on is that sometimes 'the underdog' does not in fact want to engage with whatever or has some other way of dealing with (or avoiding) the issue. This is very bizarre to me, but I guess to each their own? * shrug *
As an INFJ I totally see your point and gotta admit I do all those things. But also as a psychology student I feel like the attention we place on interactions, patterns and subtle information can make us quite good listeners. The way I see it, it depends on whether we make the effort to use it intentionally or just let it run its natural messy way. When I start to feel myself more preoccupied with Ni than with the person in front of me, I try to bring myself back into the mindset of actually helping that person. I find that when I come back, Ni has provided me with some really important information. Apparently it takes a lot of practice to realize the hijacking of Ni and I am only starting, but I can notice the difference in my listening skills already. That being said, it really takes intention and effort - so it's not like I do this in every interaction I have... it would be exhausting.
Also this whole "we want to fit new sensory information into existing concepts" is kind of... human nature. Literally everyone does this because our brain already takes up 20% of the body's energy so if we were to see every new thing as new, even language would become impossible (every single chair would be a different thing and we would not be able to transcend the differences in order to create the concept of chair). However I do understand that you meant something else... some people try as hard as they can to make things that are different (in a relevant way) fit their old views... Some of us are more rigid in the way we think, some of us are more flexible. Some are more stubborn and some are more easygoing. Some like routine better than others, who may seek novelty. But I believe all of us try to fit new information into old categories - at least at first. Well actually it's not my idea lol Jean Piaget wrote about the processes of assimilation and accommodation. It's best if you all just look these up. Maybe we could talk about the types in terms of how they deal with these things?
I always have to try really hard to pay attention to what the other person is saying because I tend to drift away in my thoughts
Yes I’m always feeling the dynamic of the group, reading expressions, body language, attempting to learn each individual. That’s much more fascinating than the basic words. I took another test and it said I was INFJ. I’m starting to believe that’s correct for me. It feels right.
Thank you for exposing the truth! As an INFJ I'm not a good listener. Especially when not interested in those talks which goes nowhere...
This was really helpful in understanding why socialising is so exhausting for my INFJ girlfriend. Meanwhile, I (INFP) get hung up on values and inner conflicts and sometimes I walk away with hurt feelings (though I’ll never say anything)
What is really interesting is that INFJs make such good counselors and therapists. These are professions that are completely dependent on listening. As you said, INFJs do a good job of seeing patterns and reading emotional body language, so once they master the art of listening they can be really good at it. As an INFJ in a helping field, I have to intentionally practice being present and truly listening to the person in front of me. You did a great job of describing the mechanisms behind this!
This has NOT been y experience-
They think they are great counsellors. But no
Holy shit... I just realized that you're so right... now I'm going to obsess about this and try to be a better listener while thinking about it the whole time I'm listening to someone and end up still not listening. 😂 Fun times
This was a short video with so many concepts in it, I literally had to pause every two minutes to contemplate your words and how they apply to my life. But, the outcome was eye-opening, I realized so many things and I have never felt more understood. Thank you! Keep up the good work! 👏
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻💕
Thanks!
If only we could pause for thinking time like that in real life!
That's the problem. Can't listen because every word triggers a thought which leads to a self reflection or a memory of something that happened, or a reminder of something I should say or do later etc etc.
@@sympthylost so true!! Most accurate and validating statement right there.
This is way I get distracted so easily on my zoom class 🤧 It is so hard when your teacher even doesn't put some effort and energy to the class...
I'm not good listener when teacher is giving lecture in classroom, cuz i have to focus, read and listen at the same time. Or either my mind gets distracted somewhere else
samee i must be doing a hundred things at a time to focus on one thing
I struggle to learn from teachers who talk and write talk at the same time. Are college professors like this??? I am really worried. I need a time to write and then a time to listen and think. I can’t do both at the same time!
Kevin Park wait i thought i was the only one who had this issue!!! This is why i struggle in some classes! I don’t have time to process it while im writing and the teacher is talking! I need one at a time to really focus and grasp what is happening!
@@kevster5252 i know where you're coming from man
People tell me that I’m a good listener but in reality I zone out and laugh and nod at random times and people keep talking to me.
Must be cool when your initials stand as your personality type 😂
I always find something to say, when everyone has left the building. 😊😊
Lmao people who don’t watch the video who say “no way I’m a great listener. Damn so I relate to that 😹
Ha ha it's a problem
Lol. I legit didn't listen to it when it was first uploaded because of that!
When you used the example of an INFJ giving the most quiet person the floor in a conversation my mind automatically went to my friend whose name is actually Jimmy... and then you said Jimmy and I flipped
Wow this makes so much sense now. I always used to think of myself as a not very good listener but people used to call me a good listener. Also small talks are underrated. They get the job done without jeopardising my solitude
Yeah, I used to detest 'small talk' but I've learned to appreciate it for the reason you mention. I think it can also act kind of like a modem handshake in which bandwidth, speed, connection type and other parameters are established. In human terms I think it can allow us to suss each other out and assess what kind and depth of communication is possible or desirable? But I definitely don't like extended small talk though others seem content to prattle on in that vein indefinitely. * head / desk *
i agree! i used to detest small talk bc that isn't a way you deepen a friendship w someone, but it for sure helps you get more friendly w someone! also, like you mentioned it doesn't jeopardize my solitude haha
but i don't like continuing w small talk w people i (think) i'm close to bc then it becomes boring and i feel like they don't want to talk to me :/
I was in a Shop waiting in a Que for Xmas Gift payment. I was drawn into a question from another woman. We began a friendly 3 way exchange.
Equal parts listening to responding.
All good.
Until the other woman decided to go for it, by prefacing that with, “ I must tell you about my Adventure!”
So she began.
Very excited by her re living this.
I began by listening.
But I realised I only pretended to do that. To be polite.
In my head I am screaming:
Why won’t this Lady stop talking AT me?!!
Where are the Exits?!!!
I feel Cornered!
When will she draw a breath!!!
I ended up pulling out her own disclosure, commenting on a positive she said about herself.
She asked “ what did you do for a living ?”
So knowing that neither myself nor herself were really listening,
I gave a General casual response.
Back to her then.
I left thinking that as INFJ I enjoyed some interaction - but am put off to point of recoiling internally - when someone Monopolises the space!
I am filled with a mix of terror and boredom!
If the other could HEAR my thoughts - They’d call the police!!!
My mom is an INFJ and I can say she is a bad listener, but not always!
Thank you, Frank, for another good video!
This is so funny to me, you talking about how we are so busy looking for the underlying truths and patterns. I've always had this idea of breaking the world down into the most easiest or fundamental explanations, which I view as divine truths, and I'm laughing when you make me see how I do this even during random daily events like conversations about where to eat lunch lol.
Me, an INFJ: a bad listener & unable to keep track on conversations and try to avoid them = I'm the ultimate catch lmao
It feels like you are a friend that really understands what’s going on in my mind.. I got distracted several times while watching this and had to go back to listen again.. hahahaha
Most people bore me.....this is why I absolutely detest parties....
Even I bored myself, _and it hurts_ 😞
RIGHT honestly I feel like no one is on the same mental level as me so I’m just like ._.
I don't know if you're an INFJ, but if you are, this would possibly highlight another difference between the INFJ and the ENFJ. As an ENFJ, it isn't really that important to me whether or not someone bores me. If they do, I consider that a 'me' problem and set it aside. I'm much more concerned with whether or not I'm boring someone else.
Right, but most people at parties are making superficial conversation. It's not genuine.
@@howtubeable Well, again, that would be a point of disagreement for me as an ENFJ. Just because something is superficial doesn't mean it isn't genuine. This is one of the many similarities between INFJs and ENFJs, so you could take Frank's description of INFJs and 'small talk' as a good way to describe the ENFJ approach as well. A conversation is only partly about the subject matter. It's also about emotional subtext, and the "vibe" as Frank put it. In other words, yeah - it's cool to talk about macroeconomics, and I love to do that. But since half the value of a conversation is about connecting with someone as a person, we could be talking about fig newtons and the conversation would STILL be valuable to me.
So this is why I'm watching a movie and keep zoning out on the conversation because I'm so fascinated with people's facial expressions,body language,and motivations!The family wonder why I keep losing the plot🤣
Halfway through the video; I am a good listener when I am interested in what the person is talking about. I am also pretty good at eavesdropping, and listening in on multiple conversations at once. Also, the pattern thing is really true to me. I either talk about my views and make no sense, or just wait a while to collect my thoughts. Just depends on the day for me.
Listen. I have been trying to figure out one of my own behavioral habits the past few months, and with a few sentences, you called it out. I greatly appreciate you!
in the middle of your talk I wasn’t fully listening coz I found the lights on the back cute 😅😅
FJ love your videos ✨💕
shinobi95 I was wondering what’s on the floor on the right. We’re all imperfect listeners. 🤷♀️
I'm pretty sure all of these things apply to me, but only approximately 50% of the time. I usually try to pay attention and listen to what's actually being said in conversations that matter, but when it's small talk or a trivial topic (like everyone's favorite restaurant), I just go into the typical INFJ default, because I just find the analysis so much more entertaining than actually participating in the conversation.
Omg this is so true! I could never understand why my INFJ friend would constantly forget everything I tell them. It's like they're not listening to you but now I see why
My husband constantly accuses me of not listening to him - yet I’ve been told all my life by many people that I was a good listener. Maybe I have the appearance of being a good listener because I can be quiet and let people talk my ear off for hours....but maybe I’m not really listening well, due to my constant internal dialogue.
You couldn't intuitively pick that up before the sensory input came upon you? :D
Absorbing, pattern recognizing, and someone actually being able to "help" and understand is quite something, and unusual. Most people neither listen, feel into and understand what others are talking about or feeling.
Bless
Wow. I didn't think you'd make a video explaining why I have a hard time getting through your videos, but there it is. The information and insight you provide lets me make connection after connection in my brain until I've branched so far that I don't even realize you're still talking. This might be the most meta experience I've had on your channel.
I really felt this. I often notice myself zoning out, thinking about minor details
5:22 "they need that feedback".
True💯
One of your best video so far, hands down. You explain very well something very complex. I'm INTJ and I could easily translate the dynamic Ni-Fe (your "the pattern is the point" bit, basically) to my Ni-Te, and it just made perfect sense. You should do this type of videos more often!
Glad you enjoyed it!
It's as if you're reaching in and reading my soul. But now I have to watch this again because I wasn't paying attention to about half. Came back around every time you said something about "not listening." Haha!
3:52 I first heard "Goth shoes" lmao throwback to 15 years ago when everybody listened to Evanescence and was wearing those
Why did this comment give me such flashbacks of singing Evanescence in the shower? I like your listening skills. haha.
15 years later I'm still listening to Evanescence... Without goth shoes tho
What u said about not being good listeners and trying to force everything into existing patterns is like spot on with how my brain works.
It also makes INFJs extremely stubborn and selective in what we see and hear from others (if it doesn't fit into my pattern I completely ignore it and forget about it)
The 5 people who disliked the video didn't listen well enough.
I have to watch some of your videos over, because I was thinking about what happened 2 years ago
Stay cool and attractive - haa. You're wrong - the ability to see patterns in feelings and people interactions IS a superpower. And I'm going to be very INTJ here and point out another flaw (and I hope you don't take it as a criticism because I really like you!). I don't think it's correct to say that an INFJ looks to slot what they see into their existing patterns of belief. That's just a filing cabinet and you'd be bored in two seconds. As an evolving being, you want to expand your belief systems and develop a more inclusive and complex pattern of comprehension.
But all hail to you for your ability to verbalise the many and varied understandings that you have and, to boot, put them in terms of a concrete example ... and mix in some humour too :)
I see you are an evolved INTJ, what are key experiences that have influenced you on your journey?
This is so true. I wish I had someone that could have understand this about me growing up. Made me feel left out or disconnected in group conversations.
I’m an INFJ, that’s why i’m here. The blue color.. tshirt.. you’re wearing.. it’s my most fave shades of blue. Just wondering.. how many INJFs love blue color.. 💙💙💙
I do!
I do :3
Teal is my favorite, so it’s a shade of blue 🤷♀️
Shelly Bo Belly yess that’s also one of the shade of blue i love.. 😍
Cobalt
FJ in a world where I often feel like no one could ever understand what’s happening up there in that INFJ head of mine, you always seem to put it together in a way that makes me feel at home, and somehow I grow an appreciation for my mind with every video of yours. Thank you man, it means so much ❤️❤️