We live under the tyranny of a society that glorifies couplehood and stigmatizes singlehood. People equate being married or in a romantic relationship with emotional and social health. They ignore the counterfactual - lots of effed up people are married or in long term relationships and it's no wonder the divorce rate is 50%. Your attitude on finding the right person is very healthy. I wish society would catch up.
It's your choice to share what you want to with your viewers. Viewers have no right to know what you don't want to share. Don't push yourself to make things public that rightly belong only in your private life.
Hi Jay, Even though I’m a woman about 15 years your senior, I really enjoy watching how your life is developing and all the raw honesty that you share along the way. We have so much in common on the religious side and blocking our toxic mothers. After getting my visa to do business in France, and deciding to stay and make a go of it, I decided to turn around and head back to the states. My oldest son and his wife just adopted 3 little girls. I was feeling very lonely in France and so I returned home to Castle Rock, CO to be a grandma. 💕 I found dating in France to be a bit like a meat market. The men only wanted one thing. 🤦🏻♀️ Anyway, I completely hear what you’re saying, and feeling the need to work on yourself before allowing yourself to be available to someone special. Just don’t be too hard on yourself Jay. You’ve got a lot of great things going on. As perfect as we strive to be, we’re all broken people to some degree, and your future partner will have some brokenness too. Sending you a big hug from across the pond. ❤
I think this must be one of my favorite videos you've shared so far. You seem like someone you can have really valuable conversations with, because you care. Your mindset and your path are an inspiration. Thank you 😊
Jay, if only i were 25 years younger 😁 (and single). You are loveable and worthy of love. You have given so much of yourself to us over the years and I've seen you grow so much. Kudos for working on yourself and putting yourself first. Its not selfish. I hope that I've taught my kids to love themselves first. You are so right.❤
Same issues, different situation… I have only been in love twice and sadly both partners passed. My heart just no longer can phantom even trying anymore out of fear of more pain… Still working to find ways to love myself first and then maybe one day I can extend that outward again. Thanks for the hard but great words Jay. Always appreciated. And part of my pain all relates to Paris as that is where I first fell in love and where my first partner is interred.
Thank you for sharing this David, and I'm so sorry for your immense loss. I'm glad you're on this journey of self love with me (and everyone else here in the comment section). We're all in this together.
Truly they should teach this lesson in school..."the greatest love story you have is with yourself"; it sure would have saved me a lot of heartache in my life. Nice vlog Jay!
Fellow PK here (also, from a shame-based religion)...kudos to you for doing the work! It ain't easy, but is SO worth it! I have no doubt that you'll find the right person, probably when you least expect it. Your general Jay-ness + Cooper + you mentioned learning how to cook in your last video? How could you not find someone who is as wonderful as you? Have a great day!
2:25 ‘Nothing to married’? The way that’s so relatable. Punished for having desires (if you’re queer like me, good luck to you) and then, everything is a talking point from choice of spouse to ‘giving’ grandkids.
Just wanted to say thank you for being this vulnerable and open for others to benefit from what you have learned. I shared this with my husband. Though we are older (mid 50s) we are also trying to pass healthy lessons to our adult children, which includes two sons in their twenties. So again, Merci beaucoup. Great advice!
I love what you said about the "Best love story that you have to write is the one you have with yourself". I couldn't agree with you more I was single for 11 years before I met my partner almost 2 years ago. Over that time I worked on myself mentally, emotionally and physically, I have a great circle of friends and quite frankly I would've been happy just being single, and then it happened. I wasn't really even looking for it. It was just right. Thanks for this video
Sounds like a wonderful progression to me. It took a long time to genuinely appreciate it myself, but now I can't imagine what I thought could be different and healthy at the same time haha
First of all, I’m so proud of you for your growth and vulnerability. I also want to say, this is sooooo relatable. I’ve been uncovering some of the same things in therapy as well and just want you to know you’re not alone in this. Wishing you the absolute best!
It’s important that your partner knows what you do, knows there’s a facet of your life where you’re in front of thousands of people that have access to your diary (so to speak), but that doesn’t mean this becomes the Jay Swanson & {insert woman’s name here} Show. Look: Paul Newman was super famous. Paul Newman was married to Joanne Woodward from 1958 until Paul died in 2008. She’s an Oscar-winning celebrity in her own right. And T no point, even when working together on stage and screen, did it become the Paul & Joanne Show. They could have been a power couple first and actors second, but they didn’t go down that path. They were fully fleshed individuals with projects and successes of their own - and it just so happened they were in a relationship. Look at it like that. You may appear in a video episode together, just as Paul and Joanne appeared in “ The Long, Hot Summer” before doing something else apart from each other. Play it like that. It certainly worked for the Woodward-Newmans.
I always learn from your posts. In high school, I found this little poem by D.H. Lawrence, who was in vogue in the late 1960s and early 70s. Search for Love Those that go searching for love only make manifest of their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it. Now, I'm not so sure about the judgement aspect of the poem. But I do think that love comes along when you least expect it.
Well said, Jay! The narrative of a perfect romantic relationship that completes who we are is so toxic. And, I understand you are discussing romantic love, but being loved for who you are by those around you, such as your friends, family, fans and yes even Cooper, is REAL love that you deserve. Love comes from the most unexpected places, and is much deserved in whatever form it assumes. ❤
For sure! I read Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn last year and it was really helpful in identifying all the love that I already have, and the deep importance of it apart from anything romantic. Fantastic book, I'll have to share a bit of what I found sometime
Organic evolution of a relationship is so important. I found I was a bad picker of dates - so for two months I let my friends write my on line profile and do the picking … I had a limited veto right! We called it the summer of love -- and their choices were insightful, interesting and a real treasure. I didn’t find him, but wow surrendering control to my friends to do the picking was more eye opening than anything … I will continue to watch (in my new t shirt) as you move along on this journey.
I'm definitely open to some alternative picking 😆 I have some changes I think I'll make going forward. I've definitely gotten better, but man have I made some poor choices in the past
I think the most important thing you can do is listen to your gut when you’re meeting new people. And as far as looking for someone you admire and respect, I would focus on the qualities that person has and not necessarily what that person has accomplished in their life or is doing (because that will come and go regardless of their character and qualities). Wishing you the best!
Absolutely spot on - you have to love yourself first but of course that’s not always that easy. I’ll vouch for that. You will meet someone when you least expect it, that’s my experience anyway! Nobody should ever be made to feel that they are unworthy of love and I’m so glad you’ve put that feeling behind you. That was such a candid insight which took a lot to do - hats off to you Jay! 👍👍
Have watched your videos for years - first, for the Paris content (Parisian of 8 years having married a Frenchman over a decade ago and now naturalised myself) and stayed for the incredible insights and relatability of your life experience. I, too, grew up damaged by conservative religious “values” and a narcissistic mother (also, having cut all contact years ago) and years later, while the effects still have their lingering consequences, I don’t let it define me. It’s been a long road of therapy, self-improvement (gym fan; runner like you; we’ve even done some races together based on your shirts!; journaling; yoga), and deconstruction but I am determined that the battles of the mind we have gone through will not be my children’s stories... May you continue to grow in your greatest love story and when the time and person is right, may you both write a wonderful one together, as my husband and I are doing ourselves. With admiration and solidarity, Melissa
What would be interesting is “How the French date”. Date without expectation. You are terrific . 1. You live in France. 2. You have Cooper. 3. You are an interesting person. 🌴🌴Aloha
Jay, regarding dating and relationships with women, you might be overthinking things. Don't date with expectations. Each woman and date is different. Get to know the person and let things develop. If something happens, if there is chemistry, you'll know it. Don't try to make things happen when there is nothing there; move on. Emotions and knowledge drive relationships. You may have strong feelings for a person. Facts about that person may strengthen and support those feelings or undermine your feelings and lead you in another direction. Wherever you go, there you are, and wherever the person you are dating goes, there they are. Don't worry about the past; that's over. All you have is today, and as many tomorrows you have left on Earth. Live life forward...
Love your transparency! Your channel is the perfect mix of psychology, religion, healing, and Paris…all my favorite things all in one place! Thank you for sharing and admitting to being human! 💕
Jay-you have alot going for you. Being so self aware, vulnerable, and having done the work will be the main attraction to your future partner because a lot of guys don't have that trifecta IMHO. After my own deep work I was able to gain clarity and "visioned" my husband into my life at 35, married over 30 years. I continue to work on accepting and loving parts of myself and my husband's support helps me do that. There is always work to do on oneself. For me it's not important that you share deeply personal issues on this platform unless you want to and don't feel obliged in any way. You've already said enough for me to understand how difficult it was for you growing up. I'm interested in present day Jay-your thoughts, questions, travels, and insights!
You are worthy of love and so many things. We all are. They are basic innate things. Sounds like you’ve really overcome and continue to find your true sense of who you are. It’s a process but you will find your peace. I did and continue to do so.
Huge congrats to you for recognising what you deserve and taking care of yourself!!!!! Everyone: do something fun and great for yourself today (everyday) 🥳🥳🥳
Pretty gutsy and kind of inspiring to see someone unafraid to show vulnerability. I've learned, after two failed marriages and a fair amount of dating, to realize I have much to offer. This took most of my adult life. I also learned I would rather stay single than settle. What is the saying? "Being alone is not the same as being lonely." Sounds live you've come a long way and you know yourself well. Thanks for sharing such deeply personal details.
What an amazingly vulnerable and beautiful video, continuing to share this journey with us. I feel such a sense of safety and connection with your therapy and work on loving yourself. I am working on that myself, and have come such a very long way. Sending positive vibes and peace your way!
So brave of you to share this, Jay! But also, setting boundaries is also the most effective form of self-love + self-respect! Share only what you want + always listen to your gut (instinct + health wise). Je te souhaite la paix, lumière et câlins
Truly wonderful vlog…once again! Much wisdom! Share what you want, don’t share what you don’t want…Know that sometimes you will wish you had done differently, and that sometimes you will have changed someone’s life by your words. Bon courage!! (My guess is that there are a whole lot of your subscribers that are beyond grateful to have found your channel!)
And just like that we get what all these quotes of selflove meant. Being able to not become hyper independent from it can be a challenge...(talking from experience) But I also think that we all need a little reassurance and room to be vulnerable with someone else on an other level. Well, spring is coming 😊
Hi Jay. I hope you’re well mate. It’s not often I comment on TH-cam but felt compelled to here. I’ve been watching your vlogs for some months now as I hope to visit Paris in the not too distant future. I’ve only just recently subscribed to your channel and thus stumbled upon this startlingly frank and honest self appraisal of you and your love life. What you’ve shared here so openly with us is testament to your inner strength. To be so frank and open about your vulnerabilities for all the world to see is a very courageous thing to do and I salute you for it. For what it’s worth Jay, I find your vlogs immensely entertaining. You’re a very cool cat that’s for sure. You have a way about you that I’m sure will attract the right woman one day. I’m totally convinced of that and a firm believer that for every man there’s the perfect woman. All the best to you Jay. I’m a big fan.
I’m so glad you’re lov’n on yourself! We need to do that, because it fortifies the difficult times, and gives us a source of positivity. I was worried about you before, and it warmed my heart to see you apply moisturizer. 😊 You’re hella lovable, and if I knew you in real life, I would have adopted you as a little brother. In the best of situations, we have to recover a bit from our mothers. I’m so sorry she didn’t make you feel warm and loved, as you should have been. I remember the last time she was on a video. I just assumed her health declined further. Situations like that, it’s up to you to discuss, I felt no need to ask. From my experience with other people’s stories, it takes a lot of strength to cut a parent off. I’m glad this gives you peace. It’s even nicer when I reflect on all of your visits from your dad in the past few years. I’m not sure if social media is public. The interaction can be unreasonable sometimes since it’s not in person. I’ve watched a lot of TH-camrs navigate their romantic and family life. There seems to be a learning process, and a few regrets, until they get their balance right. Good luck with that! 🤘🏾
Yeah, but it is also a question of integrity. You share what you feel comfortable to share. However I really appreciate your train of thoughts since they force me to reflect over things in my own life. Thank you for your generosity.
If you don't want to share a part of your personal life, you are allowed to keep that for yourself. If you want to, that also works. Judgement free zone.
I can tell that you will be more focused with a wife and kids...hoping you get that, I am positive you will do amazing as a leader of your home...you are great at communicating, just be a great listener to her. You are a good person otherwise people wouldn't care about you. I hope you find a good woman Jay! Nice words on the whole being greater than the sum...nice outlook!
I feel you, Jay. I went basically from nothing to married in my early 20s because of the outside pressure. Worst decision in my life. My ex-wife was very abusive emotionally and ended up cheating and leaving. I was so depressed for years. Haven't had any serious relationships since then. Not sure if I ever will because i also feel like I'm not worthy of love.
Wow, that's rough. I hope you find your way up and out of that. Coming to a core realization that you're worthy of love takes a ton of time (and in my case at least so much work), but it's worth it and so true. You are worthy.
Definitely regarding the fact that improving your life means even if you're single you're still in a better place. I've still had few friends due to only being here for so long so it makes the other aspect pang a little harder since there's less of a foundation to lean on. It'll take time. Also coming from the queer world I'll never be quick to judge someone from having to cut off a parent. Sadly to common among people I've known.
That is sad. Relationships with parents can be so hard. As for friends, it definitely takes a long time but it's worth the effort required, stick with it 🥂
You are so not alone in where you are & what you are working on. I think if you invited everyone who has similar challenges & who was taught the same lessons as a child, by whatever means, to come to a party you would need a very large space as this would be a very crowded party. I don't think being single is the definitive result. It is one of the possible results. For lots of people it looks like "I will give you what you cannot or will not give yourself & in return I expect you to do the same for me." That is just as deprivationally based. It has the same fundamental foundation & belief. The results are just as personally destructive We must either learn to love ourselves or we will continue to reinforce the belief that we are not worthy of love & are not really lovable. We are all challenged to learn that we are human beings & we each have flaws. That does not mean we are the flaws. It is possible that some of our flaws make us more lovable. Knowing that we ourselves are not perfect, how successful would we be in a relationship with someone who has no flaws? That is a critical piece of this challenge. It places impossible demands on anyone we are trying to be in a relationship with & it condemns us to disappointment & failure when inevitably we discover the person we have projected perfection onto is, after all, not perfect.
As a person who is an observer and forever student of human behavior, I am fascinated by how a person like your Dad married someone like your Mom. He seems so laid back and open.
But remember, guys who are "laid back" will have a tendency to pair with women who will "steer the ship" for them. (Speaking from experience and also alot of therapy!). For the record, Jay's dad seems like a great guy!! :)
Awww Jay Jay thanks for sharing. You sound really responsible with your and women you dates hearts. I’d think being older finding a woman ready to kind of take it slow would be easier. They’ve had the messy, closed off relationships in their 20’s now ready for heavy deep talks that really develop relationships. You’ve got this! ❤
I'm definitely trying, and have learned a lot. I think in the past I acted in ways that I thought were responsible and now see as selfish, and it's the shame of those failures that also kept me from opening up publicly about the romantic pursuit. But we can't hold onto the past, and bringing it all into the light helped with the grace to recognize it was nothing abnormal, I've just been growing in my own time. Thanks 🥂 Going slow sounds great haha
The thought I had when you were saying a partner would need to be ok with the camera, made me think to also be wary of one seeking the camera. Meaning wanting to be with someone just for the attention that they would gain from that. Guarding your worthy heart. Also, deciding to remove my mother from my life was the best decision I've made for my mental health.
I never date friends, ever. Nor publish photographs, unless they are older than 10-15 years. Simply put, matters the heart are between the two hearts for at least the first two bumps in the road. It protects both parties. Basically when any relation ends you can part without guilt, that stance served me well. The few exes I still talk to regularly. But that is just me...
So impressed with the hard work you have done to arrive where you are, Jay! I've watched a ton of your old, old videos from 2017, 2018, and can see such an amazing growth trajectory in your emotional life. Plus, from what I understand of your childhood, you should be commended for coming this far in finding/loving yourself. So many of us never make it to the point of true self-love and esteem. It's harder than it looks. So, kudos to you! 🤩😍
A bunch of us have the same feelings, for various reasons. We all have baggage and it is a part of life. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for the Wazzu ball cap BTW.
Bravo to you for breaking away from your mother. I did the same and it made me a better person. You will find your person. It’s when you least expect it 👏🏻 🤗
Well whoever it is will be one lucky lady because you’ve taken the time to sort through your insecurities and issues. You’re a catch don’t forget it 🎉 everyone is deserving ❤ Sorry you had such a challenging road to overcome but you will thrive :D
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but...we are all on our own personal journeys. You do you. Being comfortable in your own skin is an important aspect to have. I'm sure you have a lot to offer anyone you chose to confide, live and learn with.
Jay, everyone is worthy of love. My religion states clears that “God is Love.” Yes, trusting yourself is major. You have to answer the “what if” questions in life, and almost ever answer depends on how much you trust yourself. As for shame, what would adult Jay say about that to 10 year old Jay?
Jay maybe a French Tinder equivalent might be an option, you specify what you are looking for in a partner. We all deserve ❤ and you have so much to offer in your self. Bonne chance mon aime ❤
Have you dated any French women? Wondering if the cultural differences would make it more interesting or just too challenging. I dated two Brits and found that just didn't work very well. For one thing I thought we spoke the same language and we didn't at all. BTW I mostly loved being single for 20 years.
I have! It's definitely different, something worth talking about at some point. I've found that nationality matters for culture, but part of my culture now is also having lived abroad and around the world - so now life experience feels like just as much a factor
I'm so sorry you were brought up by a mother who wasn't a mom. As a mom I love my kids, their partners and babies I just can't understand any other way. You seem like an incredible human and you'll find love I'm sure. Take care and give Cooper a tummy rub from me.
No 1 .: Are you immune to hurtful comments about your sexuality and relationship issues? If not - this is not the safe appropriate scene ; protect your heart . No2.: Get real in therapy. No3.: Hold on relationships until you’re more healed and more secure inside you, less fear, more self compassion etc.
I got proposed to when I lived in Paris by a sweet old Parisian man who lived in the building I stayed at. Lol!! If marriage worked as a pathway to French citizenship I would have said yes. 😂
so sorry to hear how religious indoctrination has given you a tough time - for myself I've been much more content since discovering the Humanist movement. Added to a tough relationship with your mom too, that's a lot to deal with. As always Jay, wishing you the best.
I wonder if you've also reflected on how unfair (and disrespectful) it is to date others for the validation it gives you? Instead of seeing them as a fully rounded person with all of the dimensions you also have. Ironically, it is in using people this way that would make you unworthy, as opposed to you just being inherently unworthy.
Yikes to suggesting you respect women more than the average, then referring to your mother as a 'female supremacist' in the same sentence. Might want to address that internalised misogyny with your therapist dude. Yikes.
I really applaud you for all the work you’re doing on yourself and the honesty and vulnerability. The longest relationship we have is the one with ourselves. My boyfriend and I just broke up and I’m by no means perfect but he shares a lot of the sentiments that you’ve been working on in yourself. I hope he does the work so he can allow someone to love him and he can love also. I wish you all the love Jay!
![ILLSLICK - KILLSHOT REMIX [FULL VERSION]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/RIK8RrqIAzE/mqdefault.jpg)
We live under the tyranny of a society that glorifies couplehood and stigmatizes singlehood. People equate being married or in a romantic relationship with emotional and social health. They ignore the counterfactual - lots of effed up people are married or in long term relationships and it's no wonder the divorce rate is 50%. Your attitude on finding the right person is very healthy. I wish society would catch up.
excellent comment...
👍🏻
What you said about shame carrying over from a religious past is incredibly relatable. The way you've committed to work on yourself is inspiring.
It's your choice to share what you want to with your viewers. Viewers have no right to know what you don't want to share. Don't push yourself to make things public that rightly belong only in your private life.
Agreed. But know we are rooting for you Jay no matter what. 🎉
And feel free to keep the running and working out to yourself I don't vlog mine 👍
Hi Jay, Even though I’m a woman about 15 years your senior, I really enjoy watching how your life is developing and all the raw honesty that you share along the way. We have so much in common on the religious side and blocking our toxic mothers.
After getting my visa to do business in France, and deciding to stay and make a go of it, I decided to turn around and head back to the states. My oldest son and his wife just adopted 3 little girls. I was feeling very lonely in France and so I returned home to Castle Rock, CO to be a grandma. 💕 I found dating in France to be a bit like a meat market. The men only wanted one thing. 🤦🏻♀️
Anyway, I completely hear what you’re saying, and feeling the need to work on yourself before allowing yourself to be available to someone special. Just don’t be too hard on yourself Jay. You’ve got a lot of great things going on. As perfect as we strive to be, we’re all broken people to some degree, and your future partner will have some brokenness too. Sending you a big hug from across the pond. ❤
He makes everything public even his cringe inducing “male contraception” videos
Totally relate. Thanks for being open and vulnerable. We all need more of this level of honesty.
Thanks 🙏 Happy it resonates with you
I think this must be one of my favorite videos you've shared so far.
You seem like someone you can have really valuable conversations with, because you care. Your mindset and your path are an inspiration. Thank you 😊
Thanks for watching 🙏 I'm glad it resonated
Jay, if only i were 25 years younger 😁 (and single). You are loveable and worthy of love. You have given so much of yourself to us over the years and I've seen you grow so much. Kudos for working on yourself and putting yourself first. Its not selfish. I hope that I've taught my kids to love themselves first. You are so right.❤
😊 thanks
Jay, I am so sorry about your childhood but also impressed with how far you have come. I wish you the best.
Same issues, different situation… I have only been in love twice and sadly both partners passed. My heart just no longer can phantom even trying anymore out of fear of more pain… Still working to find ways to love myself first and then maybe one day I can extend that outward again. Thanks for the hard but great words Jay. Always appreciated. And part of my pain all relates to Paris as that is where I first fell in love and where my first partner is interred.
Thank you for sharing this David, and I'm so sorry for your immense loss. I'm glad you're on this journey of self love with me (and everyone else here in the comment section). We're all in this together.
Truly they should teach this lesson in school..."the greatest love story you have is with yourself"; it sure would have saved me a lot of heartache in my life. Nice vlog Jay!
Fellow PK here (also, from a shame-based religion)...kudos to you for doing the work! It ain't easy, but is SO worth it! I have no doubt that you'll find the right person, probably when you least expect it. Your general Jay-ness + Cooper + you mentioned learning how to cook in your last video? How could you not find someone who is as wonderful as you? Have a great day!
Seriously, sometimes I say: "all I want is someone kind, who will cook for me" and I'm sort of kidding (but also not really kidding...)
@@NadineWalks Said that for decades. Finally in my 50s I found the cook, foodie of my dreams. 20th anniversary this year.
2:25 ‘Nothing to married’? The way that’s so relatable. Punished for having desires (if you’re queer like me, good luck to you) and then, everything is a talking point from choice of spouse to ‘giving’ grandkids.
Just wanted to say thank you for being this vulnerable and open for others to benefit from what you have learned. I shared this with my husband. Though we are older (mid 50s) we are also trying to pass healthy lessons to our adult children, which includes two sons in their twenties. So again, Merci beaucoup. Great advice!
I love what you said about the "Best love story that you have to write is the one you have with yourself". I couldn't agree with you more I was single for 11 years before I met my partner almost 2 years ago. Over that time I worked on myself mentally, emotionally and physically, I have a great circle of friends and quite frankly I would've been happy just being single, and then it happened. I wasn't really even looking for it. It was just right. Thanks for this video
Sounds like a wonderful progression to me. It took a long time to genuinely appreciate it myself, but now I can't imagine what I thought could be different and healthy at the same time haha
First of all, I’m so proud of you for your growth and vulnerability. I also want to say, this is sooooo relatable. I’ve been uncovering some of the same things in therapy as well and just want you to know you’re not alone in this. Wishing you the absolute best!
It’s important that your partner
knows what you do, knows there’s a facet of your life where you’re in front of thousands of people that have access to your diary (so to speak), but that doesn’t mean this becomes the Jay Swanson & {insert woman’s name here} Show.
Look: Paul Newman was super famous. Paul Newman was married to Joanne Woodward from 1958 until Paul died in 2008. She’s an Oscar-winning celebrity in her own right. And T no point, even when working together on stage and screen, did it become the Paul & Joanne Show. They could have been a power couple first and actors second, but they didn’t go down that path. They were fully fleshed individuals with projects and successes of their own - and it just so happened they were in a relationship.
Look at it like that. You may appear in a video episode together, just as Paul and Joanne appeared in “ The Long, Hot Summer” before doing something else apart from each other. Play it like that. It certainly worked for the Woodward-Newmans.
I always learn from your posts.
In high school, I found this little poem by D.H. Lawrence, who was in vogue in the late 1960s and early 70s.
Search for Love
Those that go searching for love
only make manifest of their own lovelessness,
and the loveless never find love,
only the loving find love,
and they never have to seek for it.
Now, I'm not so sure about the judgement aspect of the poem. But I do think that love comes along when you least expect it.
Well said, Jay! The narrative of a perfect romantic relationship that completes who we are is so toxic. And, I understand you are discussing romantic love, but being loved for who you are by those around you, such as your friends, family, fans and yes even Cooper, is REAL love that you deserve. Love comes from the most unexpected places, and is much deserved in whatever form it assumes. ❤
For sure! I read Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn last year and it was really helpful in identifying all the love that I already have, and the deep importance of it apart from anything romantic. Fantastic book, I'll have to share a bit of what I found sometime
Organic evolution of a relationship is so important.
I found I was a bad picker of dates - so for two months I let my friends write my on line profile and do the picking … I had a limited veto right! We called it the summer of love -- and their choices were insightful, interesting and a real treasure.
I didn’t find him, but wow surrendering control to my friends to do the picking was more eye opening than anything …
I will continue to watch (in my new t shirt) as you move along on this journey.
I'm definitely open to some alternative picking 😆 I have some changes I think I'll make going forward. I've definitely gotten better, but man have I made some poor choices in the past
So wonderfully eloquent Jay 😊 and honest and sincere.. best wishes to you and Paris 🎉
Thank you kindly!
I think the most important thing you can do is listen to your gut when you’re meeting new people. And as far as looking for someone you admire and respect, I would focus on the qualities that person has and not necessarily what that person has accomplished in their life or is doing (because that will come and go regardless of their character and qualities). Wishing you the best!
Trajectory over history ;D
“Nothing to married” is a great way to explain. I wish you all the best…and maybe she will have a friend for Cooper too! 🤞🏼
Absolutely spot on - you have to love yourself first but of course that’s not always that easy. I’ll vouch for that. You will meet someone when you least expect it, that’s my experience anyway! Nobody should ever be made to feel that they are unworthy of love and I’m so glad you’ve put that feeling behind you. That was such a candid insight which took a lot to do - hats off to you Jay! 👍👍
Thanks Andy. It was a hard one but these always do me good faster than I'd expect
You are worthy. At 75 I still question my own value so I understand. You are on a good path now. Your journey is inspiring.
Have watched your videos for years - first, for the Paris content (Parisian of 8 years having married a Frenchman over a decade ago and now naturalised myself) and stayed for the incredible insights and relatability of your life experience. I, too, grew up damaged by conservative religious “values” and a narcissistic mother (also, having cut all contact years ago) and years later, while the effects still have their lingering consequences, I don’t let it define me. It’s been a long road of therapy, self-improvement (gym fan; runner like you; we’ve even done some races together based on your shirts!; journaling; yoga), and deconstruction but I am determined that the battles of the mind we have gone through will not be my children’s stories... May you continue to grow in your greatest love story and when the time and person is right, may you both write a wonderful one together, as my husband and I are doing ourselves. With admiration and solidarity, Melissa
Thank you Melissa 🙏 Glad you've found your path up and out.
What would be interesting is “How the French date”. Date without expectation. You are terrific . 1. You live in France. 2. You have Cooper. 3. You are an interesting person. 🌴🌴Aloha
Opening it up like this makes a "Dating French" video possible, methinks haha
Jay, regarding dating and relationships with women, you might be overthinking things. Don't date with expectations. Each woman and date is different. Get to know the person and let things develop. If something happens, if there is chemistry, you'll know it. Don't try to make things happen when there is nothing there; move on.
Emotions and knowledge drive relationships. You may have strong feelings for a person. Facts about that person may strengthen and support those feelings or undermine your feelings and lead you in another direction. Wherever you go, there you are, and wherever the person you are dating goes, there they are. Don't worry about the past; that's over. All you have is today, and as many tomorrows you have left on Earth. Live life forward...
Your vulnerability is so refreshing. I have a similar up bringing experience that effects my ability to trust myself
so proud of how far you’ve come!! your story is so relatable and inspiring. looking forward to that self love vid
Thank you! 🥂
Love your transparency! Your channel is the perfect mix of psychology, religion, healing, and Paris…all my favorite things all in one place! Thank you for sharing and admitting to being human! 💕
Thanks, Anna!
Jay-you have alot going for you. Being so self aware, vulnerable, and having done the work will be the main attraction to your future partner because a lot of guys don't have that trifecta IMHO. After my own deep work I was able to gain clarity and "visioned" my husband into my life at 35, married over 30 years. I continue to work on accepting and loving parts of myself and my husband's support helps me do that. There is always work to do on oneself. For me it's not important that you share deeply personal issues on this platform unless you want to and don't feel obliged in any way. You've already said enough for me to understand how difficult it was for you growing up. I'm interested in present day Jay-your thoughts, questions, travels, and insights!
You are worthy of love and so many things. We all are. They are basic innate things. Sounds like you’ve really overcome and continue to find your true sense of who you are. It’s a process but you will find your peace. I did and continue to do so.
Merci Jay! I totally relate and appreciate. Bonjour…
Huge congrats to you for recognising what you deserve and taking care of yourself!!!!!
Everyone: do something fun and great for yourself today (everyday)
🥳🥳🥳
Love it
Beautifully and thoughtfully said. Continued success to you.
Thank you!
You’re a brave man for sharing with us all that you share dude
I really relate to some of your story
Thank you =)
Pretty gutsy and kind of inspiring to see someone unafraid to show vulnerability. I've learned, after two failed marriages and a fair amount of dating, to realize I have much to offer. This took most of my adult life. I also learned I would rather stay single than settle. What is the saying? "Being alone is not the same as being lonely." Sounds live you've come a long way and you know yourself well. Thanks for sharing such deeply personal details.
What an amazingly vulnerable and beautiful video, continuing to share this journey with us. I feel such a sense of safety and connection with your therapy and work on loving yourself. I am working on that myself, and have come such a very long way. Sending positive vibes and peace your way!
I'm glad to hear you've come a long way too! It's a worthy journey that deserves acknowledgement 🥂
So brave of you to share this, Jay! But also, setting boundaries is also the most effective form of self-love + self-respect! Share only what you want + always listen to your gut (instinct + health wise). Je te souhaite la paix, lumière et câlins
Merci 🥂
Truly wonderful vlog…once again! Much wisdom! Share what you want, don’t share what you don’t want…Know that sometimes you will wish you had done differently, and that sometimes you will have changed someone’s life by your words. Bon courage!! (My guess is that there are a whole lot of your subscribers that are beyond grateful to have found your channel!)
That's really kind, thank you. Glad you found it!
Thanks Jay ! One of the best video of your channel. You explain so well your ideas and visions. It helps a lot.
Glad it hit the spot 🙏
And just like that we get what all these quotes of selflove meant.
Being able to not become hyper independent from it can be a challenge...(talking from experience) But I also think that we all need a little reassurance and room to be vulnerable with someone else on an other level.
Well, spring is coming 😊
Spring rules. And yeah, I've been hyoerindependent for a lonnnng time haha. Working on that.
Hi Jay. I hope you’re well mate. It’s not often I comment on TH-cam but felt compelled to here.
I’ve been watching your vlogs for some months now as I hope to visit Paris in the not too distant future.
I’ve only just recently subscribed to your channel and thus stumbled upon this startlingly frank and honest self appraisal of you and your love life.
What you’ve shared here so openly with us is testament to your inner strength. To be so frank and open about your vulnerabilities for all the world to see is a very courageous thing to do and I salute you for it.
For what it’s worth Jay, I find your vlogs immensely entertaining. You’re a very cool cat that’s for sure. You have a way about you that I’m sure will attract the right woman one day. I’m totally convinced of that and a firm believer that for every man there’s the perfect woman.
All the best to you Jay. I’m a big fan.
Thank you! This means a lot, and happy to have you along for the ride
I’m so glad you’re lov’n on yourself! We need to do that, because it fortifies the difficult times, and gives us a source of positivity. I was worried about you before, and it warmed my heart to see you apply moisturizer. 😊 You’re hella lovable, and if I knew you in real life, I would have adopted you as a little brother.
In the best of situations, we have to recover a bit from our mothers. I’m so sorry she didn’t make you feel warm and loved, as you should have been. I remember the last time she was on a video. I just assumed her health declined further. Situations like that, it’s up to you to discuss, I felt no need to ask. From my experience with other people’s stories, it takes a lot of strength to cut a parent off. I’m glad this gives you peace. It’s even nicer when I reflect on all of your visits from your dad in the past few years.
I’m not sure if social media is public. The interaction can be unreasonable sometimes since it’s not in person. I’ve watched a lot of TH-camrs navigate their romantic and family life. There seems to be a learning process, and a few regrets, until they get their balance right. Good luck with that! 🤘🏾
Yeah, but it is also a question of integrity. You share what you feel comfortable to share. However I really appreciate your train of thoughts since they force me to reflect over things in my own life. Thank you for your generosity.
Thanks for coming along for the ride 🙏
If you don't want to share a part of your personal life, you are allowed to keep that for yourself. If you want to, that also works. Judgement free zone.
I can tell that you will be more focused with a wife and kids...hoping you get that, I am positive you will do amazing as a leader of your home...you are great at communicating, just be a great listener to her. You are a good person otherwise people wouldn't care about you. I hope you find a good woman Jay! Nice words on the whole being greater than the sum...nice outlook!
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I feel you, Jay. I went basically from nothing to married in my early 20s because of the outside pressure. Worst decision in my life. My ex-wife was very abusive emotionally and ended up cheating and leaving. I was so depressed for years. Haven't had any serious relationships since then. Not sure if I ever will because i also feel like I'm not worthy of love.
Wow, that's rough. I hope you find your way up and out of that. Coming to a core realization that you're worthy of love takes a ton of time (and in my case at least so much work), but it's worth it and so true. You are worthy.
Definitely regarding the fact that improving your life means even if you're single you're still in a better place. I've still had few friends due to only being here for so long so it makes the other aspect pang a little harder since there's less of a foundation to lean on. It'll take time.
Also coming from the queer world I'll never be quick to judge someone from having to cut off a parent. Sadly to common among people I've known.
That is sad. Relationships with parents can be so hard. As for friends, it definitely takes a long time but it's worth the effort required, stick with it 🥂
It’s good to see you in such a better place mentally now and I hope that you and your soul mate find each other soon. Xx
Thank you 🥂🥂
You are so not alone in where you are & what you are working on. I think if you invited everyone who has similar challenges & who was taught the same lessons as a child, by whatever means, to come to a party you would need a very large space as this would be a very crowded party. I don't think being single is the definitive result. It is one of the possible results. For lots of people it looks like "I will give you what you cannot or will not give yourself & in return I expect you to do the same for me." That is just as deprivationally based. It has the same fundamental foundation & belief. The results are just as personally destructive We must either learn to love ourselves or we will continue to reinforce the belief that we are not worthy of love & are not really lovable. We are all challenged to learn that we are human beings & we each have flaws. That does not mean we are the flaws. It is possible that some of our flaws make us more lovable. Knowing that we ourselves are not perfect, how successful would we be in a relationship with someone who has no flaws? That is a critical piece of this challenge. It places impossible demands on anyone we are trying to be in a relationship with & it condemns us to disappointment & failure when inevitably we discover the person we have projected perfection onto is, after all, not perfect.
As a person who is an observer and forever student of human behavior, I am fascinated by how a person like your Dad married someone like your Mom. He seems so laid back and open.
But remember, guys who are "laid back" will have a tendency to pair with women who will "steer the ship" for them. (Speaking from experience and also alot of therapy!). For the record, Jay's dad seems like a great guy!! :)
Awww Jay Jay thanks for sharing. You sound really responsible with your and women you dates hearts.
I’d think being older finding a woman ready to kind of take it slow would be easier. They’ve had the messy, closed off relationships in their 20’s now ready for heavy deep talks that really develop relationships.
You’ve got this! ❤
I'm definitely trying, and have learned a lot. I think in the past I acted in ways that I thought were responsible and now see as selfish, and it's the shame of those failures that also kept me from opening up publicly about the romantic pursuit. But we can't hold onto the past, and bringing it all into the light helped with the grace to recognize it was nothing abnormal, I've just been growing in my own time. Thanks 🥂 Going slow sounds great haha
The thought I had when you were saying a partner would need to be ok with the camera, made me think to also be wary of one seeking the camera. Meaning wanting to be with someone just for the attention that they would gain from that. Guarding your worthy heart. Also, deciding to remove my mother from my life was the best decision I've made for my mental health.
Very good vlog! Your openness is going to help so many people. Thank you.
Thanks 🥂
I never date friends, ever. Nor publish photographs, unless they are older than 10-15 years. Simply put, matters the heart are between the two hearts for at least the first two bumps in the road. It protects both parties. Basically when any relation ends you can part without guilt, that stance served me well. The few exes I still talk to regularly. But that is just me...
Sounds like good love policy, especially if it's served you well
I've never thought of someone "older" who doesn't have a mate de-valued and you shouldn't either.
🥂
So impressed with the hard work you have done to arrive where you are, Jay! I've watched a ton of your old, old videos from 2017, 2018, and can see such an amazing growth trajectory in your emotional life. Plus, from what I understand of your childhood, you should be commended for coming this far in finding/loving yourself. So many of us never make it to the point of true self-love and esteem. It's harder than it looks. So, kudos to you! 🤩😍
Thank you 🙏 I'm so glad I've stuck to it.
A bunch of us have the same feelings, for various reasons. We all have baggage and it is a part of life. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the Wazzu ball cap BTW.
Haha, my pleasure
Well said brother. I admire your courage and it's why I continue to subscribe to your channel. You have a gift of story telling so U-B-U!
I appreciate that, thank you 🥂
Thanks for sharing. I can relate... You are going to be a catch for right person for you.
I hope so!
You have this all under control!
Thanks!
Bravo to you for breaking away from your mother. I did the same and it made me a better person. You will find your person. It’s when you least expect it 👏🏻 🤗
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thank you for sharing, it is some seriously deep personal things.
🙏
Hmmm…interesting not to mention the strong/compelling thoughts and words. Let go of the past to heal the scars!
Well whoever it is will be one lucky lady because you’ve taken the time to sort through your insecurities and issues.
You’re a catch don’t forget it 🎉 everyone is deserving ❤
Sorry you had such a challenging road to overcome but you will thrive :D
❤ Wise words!
🙏
Thank J for sharing. Sending 💕from NYC
You are amazing, Jay. Thank you for sharing and not being afraid to be vulnerable. All the best!
Thanks =)
Super brave dude!!! Bravo!
Thanks 🙏
Bravo,well said….you are a great man…
Thanks 🥂
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but...we are all on our own personal journeys.
You do you.
Being comfortable in your own skin is an important aspect to have.
I'm sure you have a lot to offer anyone you chose to confide, live and learn with.
Jay, why not go see some Chateau. you could go meet Stephanie and phillip at Chateau De La Lande. or others....
I do love a good castle
I’m very nosy so this should be fun. Also, the lore is expanding.
Great video
🙏🙏
Naviguer ensemble, oui !
Merci de ne pas avoir annoncé « qui ». Vous êtes un gentleman. Naviguer, oui !
🙏
Jay, everyone is worthy of love. My religion states clears that “God is Love.” Yes, trusting yourself is major. You have to answer the “what if” questions in life, and almost ever answer depends on how much you trust yourself. As for shame, what would adult Jay say about that to 10 year old Jay?
I wish you good luck! Also, maybe you should hold a singles mixer. If someone is unsuccessful, they get to pet Cooper.
😂 clear the air !! The dating conversation is always awkward.
Jay maybe a French Tinder equivalent might be an option, you specify what you are looking for in a partner. We all deserve ❤ and you have so much to offer in your self. Bonne chance mon aime ❤
Merci! 🙏
Have you dated any French women? Wondering if the cultural differences would make it more interesting or just too challenging. I dated two Brits and found that just didn't work very well. For one thing I thought we spoke the same language and we didn't at all. BTW I mostly loved being single for 20 years.
I have! It's definitely different, something worth talking about at some point. I've found that nationality matters for culture, but part of my culture now is also having lived abroad and around the world - so now life experience feels like just as much a factor
Yes!
I'm so sorry you were brought up by a mother who wasn't a mom. As a mom I love my kids, their partners and babies I just can't understand any other way. You seem like an incredible human and you'll find love I'm sure. Take care and give Cooper a tummy rub from me.
Jay sitting next to Jay there. Fellow humans. This Be The Verse…Larkin.
No 1 .: Are you immune to hurtful comments about your sexuality and relationship issues? If not - this is not the safe appropriate scene ; protect your heart .
No2.: Get real in therapy.
No3.: Hold on relationships until you’re more healed and more secure inside you, less fear, more self compassion etc.
I grew up Jehovah's Witness and it's not an easy ride trying to date in a 'normal' way. Therapy has helped me a lot as well.
I'm glad it's helped! Good ol' upbringings 😅
I got proposed to when I lived in Paris by a sweet old Parisian man who lived in the building I stayed at. Lol!!
If marriage worked as a pathway to French citizenship I would have said yes. 😂
1:24 Oh shucks! That’s sad but hey, we’re tolerant and inclusive of everyone.
What a powerful, poignant ending thought !
Brunch at Paul’s? Sounds chaotic and fun 😂
it was haha
5:52 I have 2 words for you: Aroace Spectrum
so sorry to hear how religious indoctrination has given you a tough time - for myself I've been much more content since discovering the Humanist movement. Added to a tough relationship with your mom too, that's a lot to deal with. As always Jay, wishing you the best.
👊❤
🥰
Must admit, I'd love to see you find a girlfriend that is totally cool with being in vlogs. It would be so fun to watch.
Agreed 😅
Your sexuality and relationships is no one’s business except yours , I just wouldn’t share anything 👍
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I wonder if you've also reflected on how unfair (and disrespectful) it is to date others for the validation it gives you? Instead of seeing them as a fully rounded person with all of the dimensions you also have. Ironically, it is in using people this way that would make you unworthy, as opposed to you just being inherently unworthy.
Cooper will find you a girlfriend. He is a chick magnet! Thanks for sharing, Jay. Some lucky woman is going to find you when you least expect it.
😆 He finds as much trouble
89.100 people are following your channel - for you, your topics and your viewpoints. Not for information on your partnership-status. Stop worrying!
😆
You always have a pretty girl to have coffee with so there isnt a shortage of women out there for sure.
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Yikes to suggesting you respect women more than the average, then referring to your mother as a 'female supremacist' in the same sentence. Might want to address that internalised misogyny with your therapist dude. Yikes.
I really applaud you for all the work you’re doing on yourself and the honesty and vulnerability. The longest relationship we have is the one with ourselves. My boyfriend and I just broke up and I’m by no means perfect but he shares a lot of the sentiments that you’ve been working on in yourself. I hope he does the work so he can allow someone to love him and he can love also. I wish you all the love Jay!