I hate the term gentle parenting. Being kind and respecting your children isn’t a parenting tactic. It’s a basic right that every single human being deserves, regardless of age.
I wholeheartedly agree. I hated it for a long time too ... And then I realized why. The societal norm has not been this for so long, that we more have to learn how to do this. Eventually I hope it's just parenting, but right now, it isn't. So many of us are breaking those generational trauma inheritances that's it isn't our primary response when it should be.
When I had children, my mother’s advice for me was that children’s worries, anxieties and fears are as big for them as ours are for us. I was lucky to have parents and family who had great empathy and never used physical punishment. The rule “do unto others…was our guide. My children are empathic parents as well. I guess because my parents grew up in similar homes. My grandparents, born in the 1800’s had harsh upbringings, but never resorted to physical punishment, which to me is amazing and which I truly appreciate in my older age.
I have BPD and when i had children I found so much empathy for them, because i understood their inability to regulate emotions. Its weirdly heloed me be more patient with my littles which i know sounds backwards.
There have been days where hearing yall tell me to keep shining and that you need my light has been the thread I hang onto. Your channel is such a wealth of resources of a broad spectrum of self improvement and healing.
I can’t tell you how much I relate to Jono right now. My 10 year old son has lately been going into screaming rages. Just red-faced, sweating and mean. This is usually directed at my wife and she lets it go on until I step in. But no amount of gentleness or logic or reasoning will bring him down and that’s when I lose patience and calmness. Because this is what my family was like growing up and it is intensely triggering. And I’m pissed that I’m an adult and have to go through this again. Just sitting here at work I have anxiety about having to go home and face him, not knowing what action to take that doesn’t result in me matching his anger. I want to let him know how harmful his behavior is to others, specifically his parents, but I don’t know if he has the empathy to care. Everything he gets mad about is BS as well, his turn to play a game and whatnot, so it’s not like there are deeper issues to dig through. It’s just rage for rage’s sake.
Speaking as a naturally temperamental person myself, I can tell you that it is possible to work through this sort of thing. It takes so much practice and so many "I'm sorrys". Your child may need to learn empathy. Arguably the best way to do that is to show him, to model it, and to tell him when you didn't do it right. Every once in a while when I'm working my own temperamental child, we work through a practice scenario. I know it sounds cheesy and it sure feels that way, but it gets the words out and that creates a structure for the feelings to fit into so they don't go absolutely everywhere without my child's permission. It allows her to have her feelings without being mean and nasty. I've got another child who I'm going to have to do this with as well, but I've got an earlier start. Also, there is nothing wrong with putting your child in his room with the door shut until you're regulated enough (and he is too) to deal with the situation and figure out what needs to happen. I learned how to do this when my babies purple cried and I just couldn't take it anymore and there wasn't anything I could do anyway. I would put them in their crib, turn off the baby monitors, and close the door. Then I'd go back when I was calm again, sometimes even before the purple cry was over. I had more to offer them beyond my own anxiety and frustration. You can absolutely communicate that that sort of behavior isn't acceptable and will not be tolerated. He's smart, your kid. He'll figure it out.
My sister in laws kid was like that. I mean a straight up walking talking condom ad. The kid would screech himself into a fever in order to get something...everyday...day after day...for...years. She tried every "gentle parenting" method you could think of. And honestly, it just sounded like she was negotiating with an emotional terrorist. She even took him to several child behavioral therapists. Each one eventually gave up because the kid was actually smart enough to realize that since nobody was going to ever physically back up their words of discipline, he could use his own physical force to get what he wants. He even spit on one of the lady's face. And by some unbeknownst miracle, all of his behavioral problems seem to vanish when he's at my house? The little fucker thought he could pull the same tricks with me and my own damn kids even warned him not to try any shit with me. And to add insult to injury, he actually gets very upset when he has to leave my home.
Really relate to this one! Many things can make peaceful parenting difficult. My wife and I are both introverts raising 2 extroverted toddlers (2 and 3 years old). We really miss all the alone time we used to have together when we were not yet parents. When they won't go to bed without whining or talking in their room together, it's very triggering because my wife wants to clock out and be done for the night and I am tired from my day of work. Just craving that alone time to connect and talk/cuddle with each-other and just enjoy some silent moments as well to re-charge us a bit before we go to sleep. We are working on coming up with some solutions to make the kids look forward to going to bed and hope something works. Thanks for the video, it was helpful.
Oh boy! Me and my partner struggle with this as well at times but we do manage to squeeze in cuddle time. We also have 2 year old and a 4 year old and my 4 year old has ADHD he is very impulsive and they just jump off the walls so much I am exhausted. Kids are a 24 hour job and never end. I understand you are tired from work but they are still so little I’m sure your wife is barely getting rest from being sleep deprived waking up taking care of them back to back. I suggest after work help her with one chore. I usually suggest the dishes and help with potty training then put them where they sleep and tell them it is bed time. Now this might sound a bit harsh but my 2 year old screams and yells and slams the door I just keep telling him it is bed time and put him back to bed and some times I even just hold the door shut so he screams it out and then walks to his bed and falls asleep it can take about 30 minutes but it is worth it and some nights it doesn’t work either way the best way helping with one chore and kids for 30 minutes like dishes will make your lady “turned on” and putting on a show you both can get into and talk about helps, me and my partner love anime and everyone can get into anime there is a ton of cool stories out there. Good luck!
I'm a high school teacher and I do not have any children of my own. However, I think a lot of this can be applied to teaching as well as parenting. I often find that when I'm gentle with my students and I explain where I am coming from, I am able to form positive relationships with my students! However, I do have some students who don't seem to think their actions are that big of a deal unless I get frustrated or angry. There's this mentality of "Well, it can't be that bad if she's this calm." But I don't want to lose my cool with them. I want us to be able to resolve the issue. Obviously, I have no control over what's going on at home, but I do have control over what goes on in my classroom. Do you have any advice for dealing with teenagers who don't respond well to the gentle approach?
I'm not so thrilled with the idea of being a military commander, as more often than not I see a lot of verbal abuse in that role (based on the experience of my friends in the military, at least). Here's the thing, I do have some level of sternness when my students are acting inappropriately (throwing things, leaving messes, or calling me names/cursing me out). But even when I'm serious and stern, they still don't seem to understand. It might be the lack of consequences, although that could be a problem with admin, rather than with me as a teacher. Anyway, thank you for the advice. @@AetherNightmare
Wonderful timing, but I think that could be true any day lately. My 2 year old won’t stop yelling in the car for the past week. Continuous laugh-yelling that wakes his baby sister. He isn’t responsive to anything I say and my nerves are on fire. Venting but this video was very helpful even if I don’t know how to apply it to that situation! Thank you both.
That's a "find a safe place to park and talk face to face moment" to me. Nothing wrong with a sharp (as in clear and concise) reproval followed up by some softer loving words once some understanding has been gained. I've gotten my yelling kids to stop by explaining that the distraction isn't safe and we could get seriously hurt if the yelling/loudness continues. These are only some ideas that have worked for me. I hope you find something that works soon!
This rings true for me. I grew up and escaped a very dysfunctional family and atmosphere. And as I moved away, grew up, got married...I vowed I'd never accept that kind of disrespect again. And I've cut out anyone who has been abusive even verbally to me. I've formed a stable life for once. Then I had kids... And they have talked worse to me than some adults at times. They treat me, at times, as disposable. And man it's been hard to not take it personally. And obviously I'm not going to just disown them like I could most adults. So I'm thankful that I've had my husband to remind me that they are kids and that they literally don't know how good they have it. That's been a fault of my understanding where I can't fathom their attitude when their life is so nice compared to what I grew up in. But they literally don't know how bad it can be (and I don't want them to know) so in the moment, this thing that seems so trivial to me (who has been THROUGH SOME THINGS) is ACTUALLY really upsetting to them and they don't know how to respond with respect to me (I have to teach them). And they lash out because they feel safe with me. But man, sometimes, I still think, "you have some nerve"...
Dang it, I was hoping this was something different. Great insight; doing the hard internal work is definitely the only way to give your kids the support and validation you didn't get. But I came to this hoping that you were talking about what to do when gentle parenting just seems to enable a extremely difficult kid. My almost 6-year-old still isn't potty trained, not because they can't, but because they won't, and I get yelled and grunted and stomped at every single freaking day, about the tiniest little things, even by 6-year-old scale. And I wonder what mistakes I've made in my approach that she feels like it's okay, and has trained that response into herself, to be that way. Gentle parenting is not working for me.
Something that I see often as I study gentle parenting (and stumble through so many failures) is that "gentle" often gets mistaken for "permissive." Not to sound accusatory! I know this is a really hard place to be! I wonder if perhaps it wasn't something that was done, but something that wasn't? Sometimes finding appropriate consequences that actually work is the hardest part. It was a struggle for my oldest kiddo to find consequences that worked that were also appropriately measured to her and the situation. I really hope you find something that works for your kiddo! For sure 6 years old is mature enough to sit and talk about it in order to figure out some answers (though probably not all of them). You got this!
This is so essential. "Funny" (no, just "aligned") that I thought of that topic just an hour or so before, because I had an interaction with someone who means well but they're really messing up and trampling over me in the most clumsy manner (not intentionally malicious). Their interactions are calloused. And I went through my head how I could communicate that to them in a helpful manner. That's when I figured it wasn't a matter of just offering advice on better behaviour patterns. If ppl show some outliner in their behaviour that is a learnt thing, then that is usually no big issue. But in this case, I figured that most of my discomfort came from how all of these issues stem from the same pattern: - struggles to understand boundaries & misses cues that signal "hey, you crossed one, correct behaviour plz" - does not talk to me, but comments on me - to me - and others (but clearly aims to have conversation WITH me) - general habit to comment on sensitive things (out of all the things) & shows judgemental stance (hi, "thinker" type "love through criticism" LOL) How is this on topic?: I understood while thinking, that they'll not be able to do any of the necessary corrections until they do not work o the core of the causes: Their own insecurity and lack of regard and interest in the other person (rather than their own head canon about the other person). Just like with this parenting example, even in the communication between adults, it's not so much that ppl need to re-learn 1000 specific techniques and talking patters. Because if they learn "how to behave" the "why" has not changed, thus, maintaining the "how" will be incredibly straining work!!! If they, however, change their internal dialogue on how they want to be and want to perceive ppl, then all it takes is a simple "Does what I want to do or say align with my principles" and they have an answer that is going to work in most of the cases! You can learn to smile, but you'll still be left with 100 more tasks (when? to whom? what degree? how long?) to "do", if it doesn't come from a genuine place from within you. You can say "Can you please...?" in a sweet tone and still only get a "Do it NOW cause I SAID SO" across to the other.
Hello. I've not seen you two before. This is seriously illuminating content, taking a fairly obvious concept to the next level in a thought provoking and transformation inspiring way. You bring the message home in a warm and strong way with the examples of your personal stories. Thank you.
I really appreciate you both sharing your experiences and putting things into perspective. I get worked up when my 10yo is behind on her basic chores, but I've come to realize more than anything it's because my parents shamed me all my life when I wasn't living up to THEIR expectations. I had an outburst when she said "you tell me to do xyz but you don't" "Because I don't want you to end up like ME!" But there's nothing wrong with who I am, I was just trained to believe I was never enough and don't want her to feel that way. I'm realizing she won't get there if I'm constantly ragging on her like my parents did to me. I don't want to be the negative voice in the back of her mind when she's an adult like my father still is
I'm SO glad I have a dog, not a kid! For me, personally, a dog is MUCH easier to care for. I get that a lot of people won't agree, & that's ok. You're free to disagree.
I have 4 kids, and for sure the dog can be easier by quite a wide margin. Funny enough, the ideas behind gentle parenting work on animals too. It's just building trust and teaching appropriate behaviors.
My main motivation for finally going to therapy for my anxiety was the thought of my potential, hoped-for future children. Just the thought of being this mom who's always scared and worried and freaking out over every little thing... My mom was like that and while she was a great mom, it's probably in part why I grew up to be an anxious person. I want to be able to be stable and balanced for my kids, I want to feel like a safe place for them, and I knew I had to start putting in the work now if I wanna be in that place a few years from now. Who knows if I'll ever get the chance to have children, but at least the thought of them motivated me to finally get help 😅
I'm a childless adult and boy do I struggle with this problem as if there were kids in the house 😂 order & home hygiene is a headache. What helped me was minimalism & taking notes of the origin of this mess monster.. it has improved. Buying extra boxes, donating our stuff and also leave it be, acceptance and prioritize work & exercise. Don't want to be a home cleaning freak.
I need you both to know I watch this and enjoy it despite not having kids nor wanting them at the moment! Hahaha. But I figure I can use these tips for my relationships with others as well
Great Reminder to give ourselves what we need! This cuts deep and I am a pile of wondering how to give that to myself. And, one of the ways my daughter and I bond is Straight up sarcasm:)😂😂 works for us:)
So glad you said that. I was in a daycare, and the lady ran. The daycare herself, was ill prepared in the art of gentle parenting. And then, although she was ill prepared for the short act of participating in gentle parenting. She felt the need to tell all of her employees that we should practice gentle parenting. I’m still baffled to this day. If you cannot practice, gentle parenting on your own millennial daughter and their grandchild, how are you expecting a whole entire day care to learn, gentle parenting from you!?
I know I'm going to get some hate for this comment but... I had this kind of dynamic with my dog, and unfortunately sometimes still have it, in which she doesn't respond to me in the way I need or I think she should respond, and I go crazy dysregulated just like my mom did with me when I was a child (no, I'm not asking her to do stuff that's not dog appropriate, I just want her to eat her food in a timely manner, and not once every two days when she is too hungry to keep procrastinating on it... For real. Also to communicate in a way that's more explicit than just staring intensely). I was mortified when I had this realization, and I vowed to do better for her and for myself. And I'm seeing results, not only I feel so much better now, but she, now at 10 and with a possible heart condition that may or may not be cancer, is looking like she feels better than ever before. If I ever become a parent myself, me and my kids will have a lot to thank my dog for, she truly is a saint.
I totally get taking care of yourself first. I just don't see that working in this dumpster fire of a world right now. How do you get past the stress? We, as a society, need to solve some major systemic problems in order to do that. Putting something triggering off for a few months to get things solved just isn't going to do it.
Being in a place where you can center on yourself without the news and other influence helps lots too. Taking just a few minutes every night just as I'm getting ready for bed helps me quite a lot. It allows me to reset and be ready for another day. Then I practice every day on the things that bother me. It's hard work, but all my kids and my spouse are seeing the difference.
Im all for being kind and respectful to children, they are people too, but do we really want to be validating unvalid feelings? I mean, it's one thing when your son is 3 and he's throwing a tantrum, and you say you know he's angry, and that's ok. But what happens when he's 30 and hits his wife and the cops take him away in cuffs all because you taught him being angry for no reason is ok? Its not the kids who get yelled at by dad who are screaming f* you to their moms. That's all im saying.
To be clear, being angry (or feeling anything for that matter) is okay. It's about teaching healthy responses to those emotions. Unhealthy responses and behaviors are never to be validated.
"you know how Mommy blows up from time to time? You know how ive told you it's not ok because no one deserves to be treated that way? And you know how ive told you that Mommy is working hard to be a parent like you are learning at school? If there was anything i could do over again, it would have been to do the work before i had you so that you didn't have to go through what your going through now." This is a conversation that happens a couple times a year, cause I'm human and i screw up a lot. The response last time was... Mom i think it has to be hard, and I'm really proud of you, cause your s good mom even when you mess up. And I'm proud of me, cause I'm not a bad kid, i just have hard moments.... Damn kid. 🥹 Thank you guys for what you do. It's hard having these conversations, and to know there arev other families that struggle matters
I hate the term gentle parenting. Being kind and respecting your children isn’t a parenting tactic. It’s a basic right that every single human being deserves, regardless of age.
I wholeheartedly agree. I hated it for a long time too ... And then I realized why. The societal norm has not been this for so long, that we more have to learn how to do this. Eventually I hope it's just parenting, but right now, it isn't. So many of us are breaking those generational trauma inheritances that's it isn't our primary response when it should be.
I use the term ‘adult regulated parenting’ because it comes down to- how aim i regulating myself and then my child.
When I had children, my mother’s advice for me was that children’s worries, anxieties and fears are as big for them as ours are for us. I was lucky to have parents and family who had great empathy and never used physical punishment. The rule “do unto others…was our guide. My children are empathic parents as well. I guess because my parents grew up in similar homes. My grandparents, born in the 1800’s had harsh upbringings, but never resorted to physical punishment, which to me is amazing and which I truly appreciate in my older age.
I have BPD and when i had children I found so much empathy for them, because i understood their inability to regulate emotions. Its weirdly heloed me be more patient with my littles which i know sounds backwards.
There have been days where hearing yall tell me to keep shining and that you need my light has been the thread I hang onto. Your channel is such a wealth of resources of a broad spectrum of self improvement and healing.
I can’t tell you how much I relate to Jono right now. My 10 year old son has lately been going into screaming rages. Just red-faced, sweating and mean. This is usually directed at my wife and she lets it go on until I step in. But no amount of gentleness or logic or reasoning will bring him down and that’s when I lose patience and calmness. Because this is what my family was like growing up and it is intensely triggering. And I’m pissed that I’m an adult and have to go through this again. Just sitting here at work I have anxiety about having to go home and face him, not knowing what action to take that doesn’t result in me matching his anger. I want to let him know how harmful his behavior is to others, specifically his parents, but I don’t know if he has the empathy to care. Everything he gets mad about is BS as well, his turn to play a game and whatnot, so it’s not like there are deeper issues to dig through. It’s just rage for rage’s sake.
Speaking as a naturally temperamental person myself, I can tell you that it is possible to work through this sort of thing. It takes so much practice and so many "I'm sorrys". Your child may need to learn empathy. Arguably the best way to do that is to show him, to model it, and to tell him when you didn't do it right.
Every once in a while when I'm working my own temperamental child, we work through a practice scenario. I know it sounds cheesy and it sure feels that way, but it gets the words out and that creates a structure for the feelings to fit into so they don't go absolutely everywhere without my child's permission. It allows her to have her feelings without being mean and nasty. I've got another child who I'm going to have to do this with as well, but I've got an earlier start.
Also, there is nothing wrong with putting your child in his room with the door shut until you're regulated enough (and he is too) to deal with the situation and figure out what needs to happen. I learned how to do this when my babies purple cried and I just couldn't take it anymore and there wasn't anything I could do anyway. I would put them in their crib, turn off the baby monitors, and close the door. Then I'd go back when I was calm again, sometimes even before the purple cry was over. I had more to offer them beyond my own anxiety and frustration.
You can absolutely communicate that that sort of behavior isn't acceptable and will not be tolerated. He's smart, your kid. He'll figure it out.
My sister in laws kid was like that. I mean a straight up walking talking condom ad. The kid would screech himself into a fever in order to get something...everyday...day after day...for...years.
She tried every "gentle parenting" method you could think of. And honestly, it just sounded like she was negotiating with an emotional terrorist. She even took him to several child behavioral therapists. Each one eventually gave up because the kid was actually smart enough to realize that since nobody was going to ever physically back up their words of discipline, he could use his own physical force to get what he wants. He even spit on one of the lady's face.
And by some unbeknownst miracle, all of his behavioral problems seem to vanish when he's at my house? The little fucker thought he could pull the same tricks with me and my own damn kids even warned him not to try any shit with me. And to add insult to injury, he actually gets very upset when he has to leave my home.
Really relate to this one! Many things can make peaceful parenting difficult. My wife and I are both introverts raising 2 extroverted toddlers (2 and 3 years old). We really miss all the alone time we used to have together when we were not yet parents. When they won't go to bed without whining or talking in their room together, it's very triggering because my wife wants to clock out and be done for the night and I am tired from my day of work. Just craving that alone time to connect and talk/cuddle with each-other and just enjoy some silent moments as well to re-charge us a bit before we go to sleep. We are working on coming up with some solutions to make the kids look forward to going to bed and hope something works. Thanks for the video, it was helpful.
Oh boy! Me and my partner struggle with this as well at times but we do manage to squeeze in cuddle time. We also have 2 year old and a 4 year old and my 4 year old has ADHD he is very impulsive and they just jump off the walls so much I am exhausted. Kids are a 24 hour job and never end. I understand you are tired from work but they are still so little I’m sure your wife is barely getting rest from being sleep deprived waking up taking care of them back to back. I suggest after work help her with one chore. I usually suggest the dishes and help with potty training then put them where they sleep and tell them it is bed time. Now this might sound a bit harsh but my 2 year old screams and yells and slams the door I just keep telling him it is bed time and put him back to bed and some times I even just hold the door shut so he screams it out and then walks to his bed and falls asleep it can take about 30 minutes but it is worth it and some nights it doesn’t work either way the best way helping with one chore and kids for 30 minutes like dishes will make your lady “turned on” and putting on a show you both can get into and talk about helps, me and my partner love anime and everyone can get into anime there is a ton of cool stories out there. Good luck!
I'm a high school teacher and I do not have any children of my own. However, I think a lot of this can be applied to teaching as well as parenting. I often find that when I'm gentle with my students and I explain where I am coming from, I am able to form positive relationships with my students! However, I do have some students who don't seem to think their actions are that big of a deal unless I get frustrated or angry. There's this mentality of "Well, it can't be that bad if she's this calm." But I don't want to lose my cool with them. I want us to be able to resolve the issue. Obviously, I have no control over what's going on at home, but I do have control over what goes on in my classroom. Do you have any advice for dealing with teenagers who don't respond well to the gentle approach?
I'm not so thrilled with the idea of being a military commander, as more often than not I see a lot of verbal abuse in that role (based on the experience of my friends in the military, at least). Here's the thing, I do have some level of sternness when my students are acting inappropriately (throwing things, leaving messes, or calling me names/cursing me out). But even when I'm serious and stern, they still don't seem to understand. It might be the lack of consequences, although that could be a problem with admin, rather than with me as a teacher. Anyway, thank you for the advice. @@AetherNightmare
Wonderful timing, but I think that could be true any day lately. My 2 year old won’t stop yelling in the car for the past week. Continuous laugh-yelling that wakes his baby sister. He isn’t responsive to anything I say and my nerves are on fire. Venting but this video was very helpful even if I don’t know how to apply it to that situation! Thank you both.
That's a "find a safe place to park and talk face to face moment" to me. Nothing wrong with a sharp (as in clear and concise) reproval followed up by some softer loving words once some understanding has been gained.
I've gotten my yelling kids to stop by explaining that the distraction isn't safe and we could get seriously hurt if the yelling/loudness continues.
These are only some ideas that have worked for me. I hope you find something that works soon!
This rings true for me. I grew up and escaped a very dysfunctional family and atmosphere. And as I moved away, grew up, got married...I vowed I'd never accept that kind of disrespect again. And I've cut out anyone who has been abusive even verbally to me. I've formed a stable life for once. Then I had kids... And they have talked worse to me than some adults at times. They treat me, at times, as disposable. And man it's been hard to not take it personally. And obviously I'm not going to just disown them like I could most adults. So I'm thankful that I've had my husband to remind me that they are kids and that they literally don't know how good they have it. That's been a fault of my understanding where I can't fathom their attitude when their life is so nice compared to what I grew up in. But they literally don't know how bad it can be (and I don't want them to know) so in the moment, this thing that seems so trivial to me (who has been THROUGH SOME THINGS) is ACTUALLY really upsetting to them and they don't know how to respond with respect to me (I have to teach them). And they lash out because they feel safe with me. But man, sometimes, I still think, "you have some nerve"...
Dang it, I was hoping this was something different. Great insight; doing the hard internal work is definitely the only way to give your kids the support and validation you didn't get. But I came to this hoping that you were talking about what to do when gentle parenting just seems to enable a extremely difficult kid. My almost 6-year-old still isn't potty trained, not because they can't, but because they won't, and I get yelled and grunted and stomped at every single freaking day, about the tiniest little things, even by 6-year-old scale. And I wonder what mistakes I've made in my approach that she feels like it's okay, and has trained that response into herself, to be that way. Gentle parenting is not working for me.
Something that I see often as I study gentle parenting (and stumble through so many failures) is that "gentle" often gets mistaken for "permissive." Not to sound accusatory! I know this is a really hard place to be! I wonder if perhaps it wasn't something that was done, but something that wasn't? Sometimes finding appropriate consequences that actually work is the hardest part. It was a struggle for my oldest kiddo to find consequences that worked that were also appropriately measured to her and the situation. I really hope you find something that works for your kiddo! For sure 6 years old is mature enough to sit and talk about it in order to figure out some answers (though probably not all of them). You got this!
This is so essential. "Funny" (no, just "aligned") that I thought of that topic just an hour or so before, because I had an interaction with someone who means well but they're really messing up and trampling over me in the most clumsy manner (not intentionally malicious). Their interactions are calloused. And I went through my head how I could communicate that to them in a helpful manner.
That's when I figured it wasn't a matter of just offering advice on better behaviour patterns. If ppl show some outliner in their behaviour that is a learnt thing, then that is usually no big issue. But in this case, I figured that most of my discomfort came from how all of these issues stem from the same pattern:
- struggles to understand boundaries & misses cues that signal "hey, you crossed one, correct behaviour plz"
- does not talk to me, but comments on me - to me - and others (but clearly aims to have conversation WITH me)
- general habit to comment on sensitive things (out of all the things) & shows judgemental stance (hi, "thinker" type "love through criticism" LOL)
How is this on topic?:
I understood while thinking, that they'll not be able to do any of the necessary corrections until they do not work o the core of the causes: Their own insecurity and lack of regard and interest in the other person (rather than their own head canon about the other person).
Just like with this parenting example, even in the communication between adults, it's not so much that ppl need to re-learn 1000 specific techniques and talking patters. Because if they learn "how to behave" the "why" has not changed, thus, maintaining the "how" will be incredibly straining work!!!
If they, however, change their internal dialogue on how they want to be and want to perceive ppl, then all it takes is a simple "Does what I want to do or say align with my principles" and they have an answer that is going to work in most of the cases!
You can learn to smile, but you'll still be left with 100 more tasks (when? to whom? what degree? how long?) to "do", if it doesn't come from a genuine place from within you. You can say "Can you please...?" in a sweet tone and still only get a "Do it NOW cause I SAID SO" across to the other.
I came to the channel for the laughs… this was Deep… My 3yo will benefit from me watching this… great job!!
Hello. I've not seen you two before. This is seriously illuminating content, taking a fairly obvious concept to the next level in a thought provoking and transformation inspiring way. You bring the message home in a warm and strong way with the examples of your personal stories. Thank you.
I really appreciate you both sharing your experiences and putting things into perspective. I get worked up when my 10yo is behind on her basic chores, but I've come to realize more than anything it's because my parents shamed me all my life when I wasn't living up to THEIR expectations. I had an outburst when she said "you tell me to do xyz but you don't" "Because I don't want you to end up like ME!" But there's nothing wrong with who I am, I was just trained to believe I was never enough and don't want her to feel that way. I'm realizing she won't get there if I'm constantly ragging on her like my parents did to me. I don't want to be the negative voice in the back of her mind when she's an adult like my father still is
I'm SO glad I have a dog, not a kid! For me, personally, a dog is MUCH easier to care for. I get that a lot of people won't agree, & that's ok. You're free to disagree.
I have 4 kids, and for sure the dog can be easier by quite a wide margin. Funny enough, the ideas behind gentle parenting work on animals too. It's just building trust and teaching appropriate behaviors.
My main motivation for finally going to therapy for my anxiety was the thought of my potential, hoped-for future children. Just the thought of being this mom who's always scared and worried and freaking out over every little thing... My mom was like that and while she was a great mom, it's probably in part why I grew up to be an anxious person. I want to be able to be stable and balanced for my kids, I want to feel like a safe place for them, and I knew I had to start putting in the work now if I wanna be in that place a few years from now. Who knows if I'll ever get the chance to have children, but at least the thought of them motivated me to finally get help 😅
Thank you for keep sharing this content with us. We need it
I'm a childless adult and boy do I struggle with this problem as if there were kids in the house 😂 order & home hygiene is a headache. What helped me was minimalism & taking notes of the origin of this mess monster.. it has improved. Buying extra boxes, donating our stuff and also leave it be, acceptance and prioritize work & exercise. Don't want to be a home cleaning freak.
I need you both to know I watch this and enjoy it despite not having kids nor wanting them at the moment! Hahaha. But I figure I can use these tips for my relationships with others as well
Thanks for sharing this, it really helps!
Great Reminder to give ourselves what we need! This cuts deep and I am a pile of wondering how to give that to myself.
And, one of the ways my daughter and I bond is Straight up sarcasm:)😂😂 works for us:)
The same goes for teachers in daycares.
So glad you said that. I was in a daycare, and the lady ran. The daycare herself, was ill prepared in the art of gentle parenting. And then, although she was ill prepared for the short act of participating in gentle parenting. She felt the need to tell all of her employees that we should practice gentle parenting. I’m still baffled to this day. If you cannot practice, gentle parenting on your own millennial daughter and their grandchild, how are you expecting a whole entire day care to learn, gentle parenting from you!?
Shiny made you look 👀
Thanks for seeing the struggle to do better with grace 💐
first! love your content and love you all!
I know I'm going to get some hate for this comment but... I had this kind of dynamic with my dog, and unfortunately sometimes still have it, in which she doesn't respond to me in the way I need or I think she should respond, and I go crazy dysregulated just like my mom did with me when I was a child (no, I'm not asking her to do stuff that's not dog appropriate, I just want her to eat her food in a timely manner, and not once every two days when she is too hungry to keep procrastinating on it... For real. Also to communicate in a way that's more explicit than just staring intensely). I was mortified when I had this realization, and I vowed to do better for her and for myself.
And I'm seeing results, not only I feel so much better now, but she, now at 10 and with a possible heart condition that may or may not be cancer, is looking like she feels better than ever before.
If I ever become a parent myself, me and my kids will have a lot to thank my dog for, she truly is a saint.
I hear you! Not hate at all! I'm a veterinarian's wife with a bevy of kids and pets. I get it!
I totally get taking care of yourself first. I just don't see that working in this dumpster fire of a world right now. How do you get past the stress? We, as a society, need to solve some major systemic problems in order to do that. Putting something triggering off for a few months to get things solved just isn't going to do it.
Agreed, taking months may not be practical. But hours or days may be, especially to work on changing your relationship to a triggering situation :)
Being in a place where you can center on yourself without the news and other influence helps lots too. Taking just a few minutes every night just as I'm getting ready for bed helps me quite a lot. It allows me to reset and be ready for another day. Then I practice every day on the things that bother me. It's hard work, but all my kids and my spouse are seeing the difference.
Im all for being kind and respectful to children, they are people too, but do we really want to be validating unvalid feelings? I mean, it's one thing when your son is 3 and he's throwing a tantrum, and you say you know he's angry, and that's ok. But what happens when he's 30 and hits his wife and the cops take him away in cuffs all because you taught him being angry for no reason is ok? Its not the kids who get yelled at by dad who are screaming f* you to their moms. That's all im saying.
To be clear, being angry (or feeling anything for that matter) is okay. It's about teaching healthy responses to those emotions. Unhealthy responses and behaviors are never to be validated.
comment for the algorithm
Gentle parenting has been going on since the 1920s
Getting divorced, huh?
Yep!
Gentle parenting is unloving and uncaring
"you know how Mommy blows up from time to time? You know how ive told you it's not ok because no one deserves to be treated that way? And you know how ive told you that Mommy is working hard to be a parent like you are learning at school? If there was anything i could do over again, it would have been to do the work before i had you so that you didn't have to go through what your going through now."
This is a conversation that happens a couple times a year, cause I'm human and i screw up a lot.
The response last time was... Mom i think it has to be hard, and I'm really proud of you, cause your s good mom even when you mess up. And I'm proud of me, cause I'm not a bad kid, i just have hard moments....
Damn kid. 🥹
Thank you guys for what you do. It's hard having these conversations, and to know there arev other families that struggle matters
That's so beautiful