“I have a migraine” is so much easier to say than “the colors are too bright and sounds are too loud and my clothes suddenly got itchy and it’s making me cry.”
ME 100%- I already had been having them occasionally at that point, and it was the only way people would ever think that my struggles in the moment were worth being empathetic towards
As an adhd autistic woman, I relate. People don’t understand or believe me when I say the smell of the ranch on the table is overstimulating me. I’m literally in pain. And they think I’m being dramatic.
I’ve tried several times to explain people that sometimes life just feels overwhelming and I get anxious since I wake up, but they don’t get it, they say just to suck it up. So I found out people wouldn’t question if I told them instead I have a real physical ache, like headache, stomachache or even cramps… somehow something physical is way more acceptable than something like anxiety or depression…
This. ❤️🩹 omg this. I cannot tell how many times hearin the words “You just gotta do it. Push through!” For whenever I asked how was I supposed to improve, whilst being so caught up in burnout, struggle and lots of pain and mental strain. We can’t just force ourselves cause we’re already doing so jus trying out the stuff around our lives!! Already procrastinatin and forgetting about tasks, favours and things that I said I was getting to. Even myself I feel like I’m able to do em all but find myself unable to complete anything at all and already thrown aback just finishing only half of it. Sucks to have do things twice the amount of time as my family 🥲 but ig that’s audhd for ya🥹 help
The reason people are more willing to accept the excuse of a headache or something rather than anxiety is that they have most likely experienced that so can put themselves in your shoes, however they may not have experienced that overwhelming like you have, so they just put it aside as “not a proper reason”
And this is why my social circle is small. I don't like lying, I don't like masking, I don't like pretending I'm someone I'm not and life is less stressful because I'm fortunate enough to have people who accept me in my life and I worked hard in therapy to become strong enough to gradually unmask and drop people who refused to to work with me to find middle grounds when it bothered them (I'm not expecting my friends to 100% accommodate me but clear 2 way communication, boundaries from all parties and addressing any problems have helped strengthen my bond with people)
Oh yes. Love waking up overwhelmed and anxious, especially when I was fine the previous day. I just say I have stomach ache and feel like I'll puke if I eat anything, which isn't a complete lie but I know where it comes from, it's just easier than saying I woke up overwhelmed. I don't think people would get it. I tell my friend, who has anxiety and also has days where she feels overwhelmed due to it, so she understands me more. But to anyone else I stick to half truths of just saying the physical symptoms.
God, that made me so mad! Children get anxious too, Dr. Asshole. Just because they don't pay bills and have shitty bosses to please, that doesn't mean their lives are simple or easy. Kids deal with unreasonable expectations, strict teachers, bullies, all sorts of things. And even if the kid isn't the target, existing in that environment and seeing others suffer is really stressful!
Being able to be articulate and self aware enough at ten years old to be able to say I'm stressed is foreign to me. Communication was so discouraged from my sister and I that I can't even imagine being able to say that at that time in my life
It’s also associated with PTSD and anxiety disorders. (I’m someone who is currently trying to figure out which basket I fall in). I’m going for that workbook. ✨
@@SheBPadfoot yeah, I totally have a lot of anxiety too (the three As- ADHD, anxiety and autism :D), plus the majority of it is social anxiety which definitely has to do with the people pleasing..
@Willow0.o Someone asked me the other day why I can space out at any time. And I had to tell them that my brain is often so loud that even when I seem to be doing nothing I’m working overdrive. Which I know people may interpret that as excuses, but I can’t explain it any other way.
@@SheBPadfoot Yeah, I totally can relate to that. I'm not diagnosed with ADHD- I tried to get a diagnosis but unfortunately my anxiety and autism definitely mask it when I'm at school, and bc I'm under 18 they take my school's opinion over mine.. totally not bitter about it or anything xD /sarc /lh- but if you took one look at my bedroom floor and all the unfinished projects I hyperfocussed on for a single day, then just left out in case I get round to finishing them one day... well, I think it's pretty clear what the cause of that is lol
Yup. In addition to this, I also noticed that the lack of impulse control AND the sense of urgency can also make lot harder to reign in lying. Brains that are good at chaining come up with stories quickly and when you couple that with reduced impulse control and a sense of urgency/pressures to say something...well it's a bad recipe.
Couple both of those with the way we explain things can make it so it seems nothing we say is the "truth" as we'll always end up explaining it multiple times in different ways. That and i've even noticed i have lied multiple times without even realizing and didn't know that I lied until i got called out for it.
As someone with ADHD, was a genuine "oopsie, pull out game weak" birth, AND whos parents separated from you being the final straw in their admittedly already failing marriage, all coupled with trying to move houses right when the 2008 housing crisis hit forcing us to pay for two mortgages since nobody would buy the one house we left... Yeah. I certainly got used to never ever asking for things except for birthdays and holidays, and even then i tried to stay reasonable with prices.
lying became a really big habit for me to the point of me doing not only this, but also telling general little lies. as in, i’ll exaggerate or outright lie when telling a story if i realise im talking too much or the story is actually boring bc i dont want people to get bored and stop listening to me (my family starts ignoring me mid conversation a lot because i talk too much, even if i feel like i wasnt). the lying to cover up struggles also happens a lot, even with my likely neurodivergent friends, because i feel like a bad person. “sorry i didnt text you back, i didnt see your message” is so much easier than “sorry i didnt text you back, i saw your message but decided to respond later because i didnt want to talk to anyone but then i forgot you existed. again.”
The text thing is so real. I was inordinately happy when my iPhone let me mark a text as unread so I could read it and then keep it visible and have the little red circle counting unread texts on the app icon. And even then, the red circle itself is a stressful reminder that I need to deal with something that currently feels like too much 🙄😅😭
The texting things so real. Everyone knows that i will get to you when i can get to you. Until then, im busy, and no its none of your business as to what im busy with. Id say only a few people know, if even one person has figured it out, that sometimes i just cannot be bothered to text at that moment because i would not have a good response for them, and id rather answer later when i can give a proper thought out response
i have a group of nd friends and we ALL struggle with replying to text messages, so we don't actually have to explain ourselves or lie about why we didn't answer (most of the time), because we all know it's because of those reasons (not the right time, stressful, forgetting etc) and when we actually need a quick answer, we write it up front and hope for a quick answer calling is the last last resort
I got labeled as an overdramatic, hypersensitive "princess" when I was honest about my struggles caused by ADHD & autism. My mother often compared me to the story of The Princess and the Pea by Hans Christian Anderson. Implying that I was so dainty, spoiled, and priveleged that even the smallest things could ruin my day. My struggles were treated like a pathetic joke. I hate lying, but I hate being treated like I'm priveleged and entitled for being disabled even more.
oof hit home family would always call me privileged especially my brother would always say i have it so easy that i cry over or make a big deal over the smallest things tw (which is kind of ironic considering he SA'd me and yet claims that i live a life free from pain or worry)
I was said the same but what I do is own that, I PROUDLY proclaim that yes, I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE PEA and a DELICATE LOTUS FLOWER and that if anyone complains is going to have a problem with me. If you proclaim what other perceive as weakness as your greatest strength with enough conviction and aggression, they start taking you seriously, and if not... Well... Autism makes it rather easy to manipulate others into being miserable.
I lied all the time anout finishing or forgetting my homework as a kid. I remember a teacher holding me back during recess and clearing out my desk which was full of assignments i had pushed to the back to avoid dealing with both doing them and the shame of having not done them. She didnt get mad at me or yell at me but i was mortified, she was the first person who suggested i had ADHD. My parents didnt believe her and not even my pediatrician did because i was a "good kid", i was diagnosed over 10 years later when i was 20. I am still working on unmasking, but as I continue doing the hard work I have been able to open myself up to people in ways I never thought I could before. I am really lucky to have the friends I have, theyre great! But i also did a lot of work to make myself open to having those friends, and a huge part of that was breaking down that pain and fear surrounding weather or not people would accept me as me
Real sry to hear that.. :c even blood family can really cause the most damage and prove to not be real “family” out there. I was constantly looked at as lazy and told to do better and that I never really “tried” When most of the time and pretty much all the time I did. It’s different for us. Our sensitivity, our processing is much different to those neurotypical - opposite of the spectrum to us. Whatever’s gonna be difficult for them will be more likely to be twice if not, 3 times harder for us. It really is difficult having been diagnosed much later in life and only starting to manage and heal past shame, regret and lots nurturing for ourselves and the life around us. Glad you have great friends out there supporting, I could think of anything better than real friends and close ines that genuinely do care and try best for us. The best remedy for stuck neurodivergent peeps is gettin picked up and nudged back towards our goals and the good things that help round
I did my homework EVERY NIGHT, but my teachers never asked me to hand it in, so I didn't think to do so. That sucks SO MUCH WORSE, because all I got told is "How could someone SO SMART not turn in theur homework..." It demolished me. I even tried to get one teacher to just give me a place to PUT it when I came in, but nope. Consequently, I'd never hand it in. I hope it's better now, but I seriously doubt it.
The first time I got a bad grade was in 7th grade when a teacher liked to assign a "cover sheet" for the week with all our assignments that were due, and expected to turn in at the end of the week. There was one month where I lost the cover sheet EVERY WEEK before Friday. Can't finish your homework if you don't know what it is. Can't turn it in - with the cover sheet - if you don't have it done and stapled to the cover sheet. I got a D, and that's when they finally ordered a child psych for me. Unfortunately this was 1992, I was a girl, and the diagnosis was not ADHD but "gifted and bored." Still fighting for a formal diagnosis 33 years later.
I used to kind give vague answers so I wouldn't technically be "lying" but then my dad told me "withholding information is still lying" I just started being blunt about stuff, sometimes I accidentally hurt peoples feelings but usually I try to give context so they know I dont have any malicious intent. Only problem is sometimes people think Im lying because Im not saying what THEY think is the truth, and when they keep pressing me I get cornered so Im anxious/mad then they have the nerve to be like "Youre only anxious because your LYING! You're playing mind games!" And Im like "look the only mind games I play are gaslighting myself and forgetting what the hell I did 5 minutes ago!" Dont push your intentions on me!
Withholding information isn’t lying unless you are intentionally giving the other person the impression that you are telling them everything. Being vague isn’t lying, it’s just not over sharing when you’re not comfortable going into detail.
@@annataymond9529thank you!! We aren't obligated to share everything. For me, I often over-explain things because I'm afraid I'll be misunderstood or my answer/actions/etc won't be accepted as valid.
Withholding information isn't lying. Withholding information can be not saying anything at all. And that's not lying, that's just being silent. Bearing false witness is lying.
Damn. I don't consider withholding information to be lying, but man talk about being forced through a different route. I was lucky in a lot of ways. Still lacked adequate support, but it could have been far worse.
Well withholding information is not exactly lying, but it can be worse. Since you make the other person fill in the blanks you left out - basically you make them lie to themselves, so be careful with that
whenever i misbehaved as a child and was demanded to explain my behaviour, i started saying "i forgot" because the real reason was "i don't know", but nobody would accept that answer. eventually they stopped accepting "i forgot" too. the only other reason i could think of is "i am deliberately trying to make you mad", which adults often accused me of, but the idea was so upsetting to me i was unwilling to let them think that, and they always seemed so angry when they suggested it. so with no other excuse to think of, i started shutting down and not saying anything. and guess what? they didn't like that either!
Aye. They scream at you till you have a panic attack, then scream at you for having a panic attack. You finally figure out how to withstand the sonic attack being directed at you (in my case by retreating into my mind) and they scream at you for not having a panic attack. Just can't win.
"I don't know" "that's not an answer" okay the fuck you want me to say then cuz the only other option is lying and lying feels like the emotional equivalent of stepping in dog turd
Yeah, this is my experience to a T. I'd say I didn't know, and they'd say I was lazy and entitled and basically said that I'm fortunate to not be an orphan or on the streets.
Same lol. After a certain point I started lying about my intentions to "take accountability" as to take the heat off of myself. It's indeed very upsetting to lie about doing something on purpose with some alterior motive, but when it's what people want from you it becomes very difficult to show them otherwise. It doesn't take long before you accept that you're just lazy, because it's a lot easier than trying to achieve understanding from others, and if a tree falls in the forest that no one's around to hear it did it even make a sound? Does your reality matter if people don't accept its existence? Lived experiences often contradict what "should be," yet there are many who foolishly cling onto these ideals and defend an artificial moral high ground to become an arbiter over others (filing people into "good" and "bad" at a dime), instead of rightfully tackling gray areas by first seeking understanding then deciding a course of action.
REAL LIKE EVERY TIME I CAN'T DO SOMETHING (usually my assignments) OR I JUST CHRONICALLY FORGET TO DO IT I JUST SHUT DOWN AND NEVER TALK AND IT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE GO INSANE AND IT MAKES ME SO UPSET BUT IT'S LIKE I JUST CAN'T TALK OR DO ANYTHING 🙁
Oof, I felt this :( Yeah, you HAVE to lie. You learn so fast as a kid that the truth will burn bridges. You say, ‘I forgot’ and what you mean is ‘I didn’t intend for this to happen, but it straight up SLID OUT OF MY BRAIN. Yes, I did write it down, in two different places, and that yes, I did set an alarm to remind me, and yes, it is in fact in my calendar, but none of those safe guards were able to put that task back into my awareness in a way that I could act on.’ You say, ‘I forgot’, and they hear ‘I willfully and negligently dropped this task because I don’t really care about you, or about any of this. I could have done something to prevent myself from forgetting it, but I didn’t respect you enough to try harder. I could have willed myself to do this properly, but I chose not to.’
god, EXACTLY. "stop making excuses" but its never an excuse. they think you're lying because you're not telling them what THEY think happened. its so frustrating.
It will be interpreted as the second case every single time. Eventually you just stop doing things for people. Eventually they stop bothering you. Because they know they can't make you dance for them.
I grew up with a toxic parent in the 90s before most people believed ADHD was even real, I ended up lying to keep myself from getting in trouble for things I couldn't help. I've even found myself doing it in work environments due to being so scared of getting fired because of working in minimum wage jobs where they would fire you for any little reason they could find. Even now, after I've found a job where they don't fire you without a good reason.
I've adopted the habit to straight up say the truth. This generally makes people loose confidence in me. Like, I stopped lying to my mom when I skip meals. For a long time, she didn't have to worry about it because I would lie. Now she doesn't trust me to feed myself. It makes me sad, but I don't deserve this trust. But at least I stopped losing weight and my health is getting better. I also get late a lot of timed, and ended up just lying about it and not attending at all. I told the truth, and lost my responsibilities for someone else, I got kinda depressed about it, but at least someone is working it out. Sometimes, i haven't do something I needed for "no reason", I used to lie, saying that I did, so u could have a second chance to actually doing it. But when I tell the truth, I get help to actually do the thing, even if it means bring yelled, keeped awake, get my phone confiscated, y"know, things that I wish I could do to myself. The only thing that bothers me us that I am getting older. I am already 19, I CAN'T live being taken care of, I should be taking care of younger people now. I am very worried about my future, when my mom will not be there anymore to confiscate my phone or hide the sugar. I remember being worried about adulthood since I child. I remember thinking I would rather die than being an adult like this. I don't wanna die. But...
You're certainly not alone in being afraid of getting older and not feeling able to take on the responsibilities normally associated with adulthood. I'm nearly 30 and still haven't gotten to achieve most of the things that most people are somehow expected to do by 18! I agree that it hurts both to lie about how capable you feel, but also to be punished by having people see you as less of an adult if you tell the truth about yourself. Just keep in mind that the societal expectation of "have everything figured out and start your own family by your mid-20s" is hugely unrealistic and out of date for most people. The truth is that these days young adults are meeting those traditional "adulting" milestones later and still need help from their parents/relatives for much longer, because today's world is not an easy one to thrive in even if you aren't struggling with neurodiversity. Getting help to manage your ADHD would be a good first step, but you could also look for counselling or other mental health services to talk about your very understandable fears and anxieties. Nobody out there can actually make it all on their own. Some of us just need a little more help than others.
I also struggled with not going to classes and stuff to avoid being late… but I eventually realized it’s better to be late than miss everything. I relate to everything you said . On top of that for a lot of my time in school, if I wasn’t sure certain I would do really well on an assignment or test I would just never submit it even if it was done or partially done. It was bad for me, I try to always remind myself that 55% is better than 0%. There’s no reason to feel embarrassed, just be yourself and be honest and accept support when you need it. People are a lot more understanding than you think and if they aren’t, that shows who they are and that’s their deficiency to work on, not yours. Because the population is moving in the direction of understanding.
I'm almost 25. I had a rough childhood and was kicked out at 18. Despite the fact, I was scared of how I was supposed to function as an adult since I no longer had my harsh parents to keep me in line. My own sister was terrified that I was just going to keel over eventually (anxiety). But y'know what? (I mean this positively), The world punishes you too. It's a different kind of punishment, though. They aren't immediate, they grow over time, and they get harder to fix the longer you take to learn from. Biggest example is my teeth. Eventually, you have to pay A LOT to fix your teeth if you screw them up. And paying so much of my miniscule money to reverse my own laziness is a great reminder to get myself together. It's not the most efficient way to learn, but I find comfort in knowing that I'll eventually get it with time. Even faster when you have loving people who will support you and guide you before life teaches you the hard way.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it's understandable and relatable. The good news is, you are so young AND you're already miles ahead because you've done such great work being honest with your family. This is a huge step towards figuring out how to do things yourself in a way that works FOR you. There will be a lot of trial and error but I believe with support you can be independent. I don't know where you are in the world but if therapy or coaching or meds are an option, deffo look into that; you deserve help just as much as anyone else
I'm really grateful that you shared this. I think you are in a really similar situation to a young relative I care deeply about. I think its really courageous of you to confront these tendencies head on at such a young age. Really, this type of honesty is a powerful way for you to enter into adulthood that few people achieve or understand. Just keep at it, stay noticing, and take care of yourself. Also, If you need DEEP rest, take it.
1. Get assigned a task 2. Procrastinate 3. Get asked how it's going 4. Lie because you can't just say "Actually I did nothing all week, but once my brain feels like working I'll work unhealthy hours to catch up and finish it on time" 5. Eventually get to it and realize you have a question and you clearly can't start the task until it's answered 6. Wing it because now everyone thinks you've been working on the task, so you can't possibly be stuck at such an early stage
Yeah, that's basically how I got through high school and college. Still do it at my job now every now and then, though it's much less severe than it used to be.
I had a moment like this once. Was so incredibly frustrated at a year of school, I felt like I was constantly drowning all of a sudden because last year didn’t go so well. One of my assignments, I felt forced to email a last minute question because I couldn’t start until the last few days of a couple months assignment. I got some sort of answer with a reply email, but that also came with a question of ‘why didn’t you ask me this sooner?’ And wielding the frustration of having impossible to reconcile emotions, I gave a thank you reply with an attempted explanation. Nothing really happened except I did get the assignment in on time, but just being put in a position where I felt I needed to justify mental blocks I have zero control over regardless of the force I exert on myself just felt terrible, and that stress and anxiety was cumulative and made worse mental blocks for future assignments, even though no physical person was contributing to that directly. Fortunately, I did pass the year, but that experience haunts my confidence for a lot of things moving forward, even simply stuff like cleaning the bed or getting up on time sometimes.
Same. I know I have ADHD but it's so difficult telling people what it's like. I hate that I interrupt people all the time and they get mad at me but I feel like if I don't then My mind is going to wander off and I'm going to forget what I wanted to say.
it relates to me too. but the first thought i had was "wait im trans, is that not it??" but yeah, i do think i have adhd too, its just interesting to see that thats why i am how i am. and omg i feel so represented by "i cant do this its too BORNING" LIKE I LITERALLY FEEL THAT EVERYDAY. the representation
This entire comment section & video made me realize, with a concussion at 3 in the morning after Christmas Day, that I should take care of some things in my life. Thank you all for being so wonderful 🧙♂️
I can relate very much. Just yesterday my mom called me lazy and thought i avoided my responsibilities. But I did so much that day!! My dad and brother were sick, so i did all the chores and went to pharmacy and to the store, even when i was feeling like shit and having not that much spoons left after school. (She came home in the evening and hasn't been there for 4 days) I wish she just would listen to me once, just me, not bringing her or others up for once. "Everyone else is tired too" I just want to be understood!!! I'm trying to understand my mom, so why wouldn't she do it too?? It's so hard being propably the only neuro divergent one in our family, and dealing with shit in the outside world too. I just can't say "it's not my fault, I have ADHD"..it feels like I'm making excuses, and I don't even have my diagnosis yet. I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!! it's so hard, and my parents telling me i can change things, do better... I AM TRYING MY HARDEST!! THAT'S WHY I'M IN MY ROOM, TRYING TO REST, BUT THEN YOU SEE ME AND GET THE WRONG IDEA. Yeah, i did so good last week, all the chores and responsibilities, but look at me, no wonder I'm tired! So please, I just need more time to recharge than others, that doesn't mean im a burden!! When I'm maybe finally getting ny life on track, parents are STILL telling me I'm lazy!!! Maybe I'll write all this down and give it to her, so I can avoid the shouting and anger and crying for once. I'm so tired.
"I'm so tired" is Ike my personal mantra. Sounds like you're hitting burnout early. It's rough, I'm sorry. Best advice is to talk with someone - councillor, therapist - that can actually help. That and remember, as you clearly do, that out brains work harder to do normal things and it's okay to expect excess exhaustion from doing them. Solidarity from a stranger. ✊🏻 The forever exhausted club. 😩
I also have a hard time telling others about the ways I'm struggling. I have found that writing it down, having that opportunity to think clearly all by myself and get everything just right, really helps me have confidence to share how I'm feeling. And even if your mom isn't sympathetic, at least you'll have said what you wanted and needed to. You'll have stood up for yourself, which is so brave and so loving and so hard to do!! Have courage, and be kind to yourself (and others, but often that's easier) 🥰 I believe in you! 👍😊
Whatever you do, don't slip into a coffee addiction, it'll do more harm than good! Take life a day at a time, try to let the water flow off of you and if it doesn't, empty your bag of heavy thoughts out somewhere like here, there'll always be someone to hear you out!
I think, at least for myself, lying (especially early in life) was a dopamine boost! it was an immediate response that worked the way i wanted it to, like if I didn't do my homework, lying both was an excuse and delayed the task, which was a perfect dopamine boost! the conditioning that if I lied, I not only avoided getting in trouble, but I also felt relief? this is literally, like, the recipe for a dopamine-deficient brain to avoid discomfort and get a pleasure sensation, even if it ended up only being temporary and with worse consequences later.
Yup. I had the exact same experience with procrastination: I would put things off, then do them at the last minute and get good grades and compliments on the quality of my work. Years and years of reinforcement of an unsustainable work strategy, and it's no wonder that I have so much trouble breaking that pattern as an adult. We need to train kids HOW to work, not just to use any means necessary to finish a project while they have external forces and structures holding them accountable.
This is so true!! Also, I feel like this isn’t talked about enough: I exhibit the behaviors mentioned in the video that aren’t “socially acceptable” (being late, messy, interrupting, zoning out, etc) and when people point out these qualities in me, I have two choices: either do nothing and accept that they think I’m just annoying and rude, or tell them I have ADHD. But the problem with THAT is that it would make me look like a pick me girl. Plus, multiple people have given me responses like “everyone has a little bit of that” or “that’s not real. Just try harder”. It’s rough out here 😭
I hate that people say it’s not real just because it’s not physical and you can’t see it directly… I want to understand them because they’ve never experienced it but I wish they would try to understand us more…
I do think everyone struggles with this stuff and that can be what makes it even harder for them to be empathetic even when they want to, because they have also experienced this and also not been given any leeway. Just because something is a symptom of a disease doesn't mean other people don't ever experience it, and just because they aren't disabled doesn't mean they don't face the same roadblocks that disabled people do, just less often. So to ND people you are saying "yeah I do this thing a lot and it's not good but I can't help it" and to them they hear "yeah I do this thing that everyone does but I think I shouldn't be held to the same standards that everyone else including you were" So it's not odd to me when people react that way tbh.
Oh my god. This. This 10000%. I’ve always done this and always obsessed over the fact that I felt like a horrible human being because of it. Thank you so much for this video. This is the first time I’ve ever seen someone else with adhd mention this
As a late-diagnosed AuDHDer I find lying extremely uncomfortable (and I’m very bad at it!), but on those occasions when I do lie, it’s either to keep a confidence or to protect myself. It was nice to see the latter explained so clearly in your video. 😊
4:19 thanks for the real life examples! everytime i take one of those dsm tests, there’s always a handful of questions that seem either too vague or specific.
There's a part of me that wonders if this can stem from Narcissistic abuse in childhood as well. I was always terrified of getting caught just... being a child and being scolded for it, so I learned to lie to protect myself. I learned to tell what I called 'Better Truths', which were SORT of the truth but not entirely. Like, example: my mom tells me to clean the bathroom. I go to scrub the toilet, but before I can get to it I accidentally drop the toilet cleanser and the bottle cracks, spilling it everywhere. I clean it up quickly, knowing I'll get in trouble, and clean the rest of the bathroom. My mom asks why the inside of the toilet isn't clean. I tell her out of my dad's earshot that my dad wants me to help him go shop real quick and that's literally the last thing and I'll do it as soon as I get back. I ask my dad out of earshot of my mom if we can go to Dollar General because my time of the month just started and I need some pads. He takes me, I use my allowance to get pads I don't need (As I still had plenty at home) AND toilet bowl cleaner, making sure to be quick and keep the cleaner out of his sight among other purchases I was making, then clean the toilet the SECOND I get home. I was truthful that the toilet bowl wasn't clean, but I wasn't truthful about WHY because I know the full truth would get me in trouble for a very human accident that could have happened to anyone.
When I was in school I was constantly told I “wasn’t living up to my potential” and “you’re so smart you should be able to do this” “you just need to apply yourself” “stop being lazy” etc. I started hiding my intelligence, lying to make myself look stupid, answering “idk” to every question, because it was easier to be dumb than to constantly be berated for my struggles. Sometimes the lying is subconscious and I don’t even realize I’m lying until after. It’s been so hard to unmask as an adult
Psychologist here! I really liked this video and it resonates with something I use in my work called the Toxic Shame Shield. When a child grows up experiencing repeated instances of shame, this gets internalised. Often, doing a bad thing starts to = being a bad person. That then becomes so unbearable, that if the child / teen / adult realises they've made a mistake or done something bad in the future, they protect themselves by either: lying about what they did, minimising the impact of what they did (it's not as bad as you're making out), deflecting blame onto others (it was actually their fault I hit them because they started it) or getting upset / aggressive. Unfortunately, this doesn't actually help in the long run, especially when other people can see it happen but don't understand why this person is always lying, deflecting, or minimising in response to every mistake or criticism no matter how small. Those of us with ADHD will often have grown up experiencing a lot of shame, like this video showed - always told off for Bad behaviour, for forgetting things, for doing poorly academically, told we're not good enough, or not trying hard enough, or made always feeling like we're failing to fulfil our potential but not knowing why. So it makes sense that people with ADHD get triggered easily by things which envoke that Shame Shield. It's a defense!
I watched this out of curiosity, but this video was spot on for me. From lying in school to the cycle of shame and people pleasing. I hate that others have felt this way, but it is sort of comforting to know there's a reason behind these feelings that others have solutions to.
I used to be a compulsive liar but it got better because I found people that accept me who I am. When you find your crowd you don't need to lie anymore! It takes a while but you can do it!
I want to just say that while it’s good to try to be honest some of the time for those reasons, it’s also not always wrong to lie. It is ok if you don’t feel like being vulnerable with someone, or if you just can’t handle explaining yourself all the time. If you’d rather tell your coworker you have a headache than explain how sensory overload works that’s completely fine. If you know you won’t be taken seriously about your severe sensory issues with certain food textures, you can call it a dietary restriction. You’re not hurting anyone by doing that, and no one is entitled to a comprehensive explanation of what you’re going through at any given moment. If you’re not lying about the need, lying about the reason for the need isn’t inherently bad.
Fr. Me saying "I get headaches and nausea in hot environments" is functionally equivalent to me explaining that I feel faint and dizzy and stressed and start to panic if I can't get out, but it's way faster and less likely to be discounted or ignored. Someone once asked me about my "phobia of heat" and it felt so dismissive, as if I were acting irrationally and could be "cured" if I just "faced my fear." No, it's not a fear; it's a constellation of physical and mental symptoms that causes me intense pain, distress, and often shame at being "too sensitive" or other bs. And even if it _is_ purely psychosomatic, no doctor has been able to help me mitigate it, so stop telling me I can just will it to go away!
This is a very very valuable comment. Money quote: "no one is entitled to a comprehensive explanation of what you’re going through". It holds for any personal issues which you feel inappropriate to share, not just ADHD related things. For instance, early in a pregnancy when one is still not comfortable sharing the news, it's 100% fine to give a general reason for visiting the doctor for your checkups . If someone won't accept the vague answers and doesn't catch the hint that the prying is unwelcome, then go ahead and say you're going to the dentist. Often people just ask questions out of habit or because it's considered good manners, and they are a bit taken aback when they get an intensely personal answer.
I don't think either of those are, or have to be, lying. Sensory overload leads to headaches and burnout if it's persistent, and sensory issues with food can just be "I don't eat water chestnuts" Many neurotypicals have dietary preferences and they aren't shamed for it nearly the same way ADHD/Autism are.
2:23 That’s too true. I was talking to someone about my favorite thing and they told me that I was talking to much. I felt hurt cause one the person said they had ADHD so I thought maybe they would understand.. so I kinda stopped talking to that person much. I just listen.
When you have undiagnosed ADHD but don’t know it, you don’t KNOW why you do the things you do. You genuinely don’t. So if someone were to ask you, and you were to be truthful, all you could say would be “I don’t know”. Everyone HATES that answer. So you lie. Thank you for making this. I feel heard and understood.
Tbh, an early ADHD diagnosis didn't help me much with that either. I was never *really* told what ADHD was, and I was pretty performant in school as a child, so I kinda just told myself that I didn't really have ADHD, that I just was slightly less concentrated and maybe more energetic than others. The term didn't really mean anything. So despite being diagnosed, I would still have those same thoughts. Still didn't (and don't tbh) understand why I struggle with the things I do, still didn't feel like I was whole.
I’m not sure if I have ADHD but this reminds me so much of myself! I always lie about small unimportant things but at the moment it was like a saving reflex or something… great Video 🤗
I was doing the same, I actually think mine was because it was easier for my brain to come up with a lie instead of trying to remember the actual fact/memory.
I didn't have the same issues but even explaining reasons for doing things you're successful with results in people judging. After a while, I became aggressively honest and resentful. That's how I stayed safe, rbf 24/7. I don't have trouble being honest, I have trouble being pleasant.
God this video really hurts because this is my entire life, afraid of displeasing people, feeling like a burden because everyone seemed more normal than me, then when I DID tried to be honest, guess what got me? People leaving me. People saying I'm lazy, not good enough or just dumb. Then when I got diagnosed for autism, I was hurt thinking I am normal but just need work to get better. Then, I just realized I will never 'be normal'. But, it helps me know that it isn't just a 'me problem' Thank you so much for this video.
"Masking" and "internalized ableism" are very relevant terms to this! Also possibly relevant might be cPTSD, though I'm very unsure there and people should be careful about diagnosing stuff like that on themselves (though self-diagnosis _can_ be valid, too! Just be careful and if you can, ask professionals)
"Internalized ableism" 🤯 Omg that's that darn voice in my head that's always "should"-ing all over me! No one else has trouble with X, so neither should I. I've done X before, so I should be able to do it now. Why am I so incompetent?? You're not helping, Phyllis; you're just making things worse! (Phyllis is my internal critic. No shade to any real Phyllises.)
Basically, Phyllis in this case is just a switch in for everyone else that has taught you those things over time, that you are now taking for granted, without them actually being true. Having an actual personification is actually really good for visualizing this!
Relatable. Tho, I’ve always had weather related headaches since i was little, and trying to do math homework with a pounding head and blurry vision, was difficult. Sadly, i was still forced to do my homework regardless. So that greatly sucked a lot. Especially during the winter when headaches are more painful and often.
We're told from an early age that our struggles are a moral failure. Something bad and broken within us, that will make us "undesirable" if we don't "fix" it. And so we start the neverending escalator of "self-improvement". But it's never enough.
I was diagnosed twice (once at 3 and again a couple years ago to verify) and often I find a lose-lose situation. If I lie, I usually feel terrible about it, and often times the lie breaks up very quickly, or if I tell the truth, I'm quite stoic about the answer (mostly because the truth tends to be that way regardless) and they get mad at me. Most times, I just really don't want to care anymore and just fade away into the anonymous. ;-;
I don't have ADHD, but its something I've noticed about the ADHD people around me. Being on the receiving end doesn't feel good, it feels like I'm not trusted or like I'm being called dumb. I can legit see through it. I'm understanding, still hurts.
some adhders are good liars and some are very BAD liars. it feels like an insult to your intelligence when the latter does it. and im audhd so i spot it a mile away and that's something that lets me know having a friendship with that person will be near impossible luckily, I will say one of my friends who also has ADHD even though she struggles the hardest out of some of all the people I know I never ever feel that mad at her when she does stuff (im rarely ever mad at her actually) cause she's always very honest about it . she never makes excuses or anything and she's just honest and takes accountability and owns up to stuff and I trust her with my life no matter what mistakes she's made cause I know she's honest 💯 I think there's something really special about someone who can do the right thing even when it feels like it hurts.
This gives me flashbacks to what I learned about ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria. The threat of the perception of rejection can feel so intense that a person with ADHD will do all kinds of things to avoid it. Not justification, but a potential explanation
I feel like I've just been called out. Not doing homework as it's not interesting enough/boring; or forgetting to do it because you have no idea about time & think you can watch TV, eat a meal & write homework in 1 1/2 hours are all totally valid reason for anyone with ADHD, but 'normal' people can't understand it. Edit: it's been about 23 years since I left education, but looks like I haven't got over it.
People tell you to be yourself, but when yourself is ADHD it quickly becomes "but not like that." So I'm either always pretending to be someone or something I am not to fit in, or I can be authentic and quickly be judged, criticized, or excluded. It just feels like there's no winning.
When people accuse us of lying when we tell the truth, is it any wonder that we get really good at making up lies people are more likely to believe than the truth?
OMG 😳 this is so accurate in my case. My mother had a way of reacting very aggressively if the answer wasn't the one she wanted to hear. Lying to protect myself became the norm. It took a lot of time and work to become authentically honest. I'm almost 52 and it can still be a struggle at times.
Worse if you're an introvert I think. When the social battery is drained and you have to manage time, conversations, and being around people in general, it feels to me like the gears in my brain aren't just grinding, it feels like they're made of sandstone and are wearing themselves to oblivion with every second. It can build so much that I end up stressed out and tense my muscles unnecessarily. In a painful, "omg one more second and I'll either explode in a mushroom cloud or curl up and collapse in a corner" kind of way ... I'll see a doctor eventually...🙃 Debated whether to comment or not since it seems personal, but wth
I relate. I want to make time for friends and family but I also need time to rewind and sometimes it feels like my week is way overscheduled because of that.
Honesty is not worth it. Not a single bit. Being honest for the first half of my life, I struggled. But, when I lied when I was asked a repeated question, no immediate consequences were initiated. Its significantly better to "oh, yes, I've finished my work" than to tell the truth and end up with new bruises and scars during the "talk". I feel so protected with lies.
This legitimately made me cry. I just clicked because I used to follor back when i had Instagram (left years ago) and didn't know you had YT. But there's something powerful in someone else explaining exactly what you've been unable to put in words for years. Some family issues make this worse, as the truth can legitimately be dangerous to spill, but it has trained me to keep things to myself to a degree that actively makes my life hard, as I struggle a ton to open up to people. Thank you for this video.
"so I started saying things that weren't true, but easier for people to accept" This hit me in the soul. No teacher or parent wants to hear "once I get home, my willpower is already spent" I need to get diagnosed. I've finally allowed myself to say "yeah, it's probably not something I can willpower my way out of." Unfortunately I do not have access to the healthcare necessary for that diagnosis and treatment.
In that case, I'd recommend learning more about it, and taking some of the online diagnostic tests. (I had trouble accessing healthcare, too, and was operating with a self-diagnosis for a few years before it was corraborated by a professional. I found even the self-diagnosis extremely helpful in a)understanding my behaviors, and b) healing from a lifetime of being sooo hard on myself about them (because I bought the line from teachers and parents that I should "just try harder," and that I was an underachiever. Now I say: "Underachiever, my ass! Look at all the things I DID achieve--while struggling with not only the symptoms of ADHD, but all the harsh judgements, from myself and others about them." It really took me from feeling like a failure for not having accomplished more with my good education, to being proud of what I WAS able to accomplish. Best of luck to you!
One of the habits that screwed me over as a young adult was lying through omission by pretending to understand things I did not. In my personal life, it involved pretending to get pop culture references that went over my head, and at work, it meant I pretended to understand technical explanations even when I did not understand them.
When I moved out for the first time, I was so overwhelmed I basically stopped eating. I remember crawling on the floor in the middle of the night to get frozen corn because it was the only thing I could manage to eat. Meanwhile I was screaming at myself for being lazy-why couldn’t I just make food? I was so hungry I couldn’t even stand up, yet I berated myself for not trying harder. Some days, though, I could meal plan, cook, clean, draw, and read-all in the same day. Those days made me think I’d finally snapped out of it, that I’d finally gotten my life together. But then the next day, I’d yet again be stuck in bed, unable to do much of anything. It’s like making New Year’s resolutions every single day, only to break them every single day-except for that one rare day when everything just clicks. Everything finally made sense after my diagnosis. I actually understand how my brain works now. My life finally feels possible. I’m no longer just surviving on sheer hope that one day i'll be normal.
This definitely was my case in my youth, but it does persist a bit in me today. It’s so much easier to avoid conflict instead of being honest with people sometimes
I’m glad this content exists, I had to figure it out for myself that lying was always going to put me in a worse place than the truth would. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that if I was honest, and others did not like it or wanted to judge me for it, that allowing them to make me feel bad was not going to help me or them. So I allowed myself to not care. I allowed myself to say that’s too bad. I carry on regardless of what they think. I know what I believe a good human should do, and that the path I choose to follow.
I think that this touches on a huge aspect of my adhd, anxiery, depression and (likely, still waiting on a diagnosis) autism. Its not that lying is "easier" necessarily, its that it becomes necessary. As a kid, you dont have the language to explain whats going on and as an adult no one else really wants to listen to or understand that language. There are certainly aspects of "i dont want to explain this for the next ten minute so ill lie," but I think, at least for me, the lying is a result of not being able to get anything done with the truth. I can say that I didnt do my homework because i was unmotivated and it was boring and I couldnt get my brain or eyes to focus, but people automatically assume thats laziness and it wont result in any form of support. Saying I cant do my homework because I'm sick conveys the message that we need to convey: that being that we are in trouble and in need of support. This video describes the issue very well without infantilizing people with adhd and while also focusing on the type of lies that happen. I imagine this is common for many people with mental illnesses as well. For example, I have some chronic phobias that made a job of mine a challenge, resulting in a lot of unnecessary stress and work that I didn't think reflected my capabilities well. I cant tell my boss about a phobia when requesting to be given a different task. I do not have any reasonable choice in that situation except lie, unless I want to risk losing my job or not being giving enough work (I'd like to clarify that the phobia was around a specific location and didnt have to do with the actual job tasks). Lying isn't always bad. Id rather always tell the truth but sometimes thsts just not a reasonable option because we need to consider the context we are in. If phobias were better protected and less discriminated against, I could have told the truth when requesting a different location to work at (i also want to specify that it would have been a reasonable accomodation as well, where i would work just as much, just not at that particular spot, which was one of many i would work in). Adhd brings up similar struggles, where we make excuses because our disorder is not treated with understanding and people with adhd are often dismissed or infantilized, so there is no reason to be honest. It sucks and im glad you're talking about it, since I thought I was fairly alone in struggling with this so much
Sometimes it feels like translating into another language because people who don't have ADHD just aren't capable of wrapping their minds around the struggle. They think they are, but they're usually not. Using the closest physical ailment equivalent ironically gets them closer to the truth (that an unexpected, viscerally unpleasant and directly uncontrollable bodily malfunction impaired your ability to do something when planned) than the actual truth.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 42. Getting diagnosed made me reflect on my life and suddenly my chaos made sense! My struggles are time management, being overly emotional, being disorganized, being easliy distracted and communicating...among other issues....
i might have adhd, im not diagnosed but every symptom i read about is actually a struggle for me irl, i live in chaos, struggle to follow through steps of a basic task, get distracted alot, and yeah i lie ALOT and try to please others, i dont like lying but its just become a habit i cant get rid of, i feel like if my mom knew i felt like this she would scold me but i know she will NOT believe that i have adhd and will just laugh and make fun of me for “believing strangers on the internet” but aw well.
Oh holy shit I was diagnosed the other month, I'm in my 30s. This video just made me realise what was happening when I was a kid. I would lie and fake stomach aches to get out of school constantly. I didn't have a stomach ache, I was overwhelmed, as you say, lying about it was easier and actually worked
Thank you so much for this video! I struggle with this too, and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I often feel different from everyone else, so this really means a lot.
Sometimes it hits me how good a liar I am, and how that’s not a good thing, and how unfortunate it is that circumstance push me to learn those skills so well
this video hits SOOOOOOOOO hard. just this week, i've been feeling super guilty with a situation of time management/work. too hard for me to handle a schedule that pretends to be normal, but actually is super unpredictable. i've had too many situations in life where i really don't want to lie, but i just dont think the truth of my adhd causing issues would be "good enough" (acceptable/understood).
THIS DOWN TO THE LETTER. I like my current job, but unfortunately, I have made very avoidable fuck-ups due to my ADHD and I have to figure out little ways to excuse myself bc if I said "it's my ADHD" they would be like "hm, it's making you mess up that much? Are you sure you're suited for this job?" YES!! I AM!! I'm otherwise good at it!! But I make stupid errors sometimes bc I'm forgetful! I try not to be, and it frustrates me more than it frustrates you (if you could believe it), but I DO TRY.
My experience was that the issues I brought forward in total honesty were often met with hostility. We don't lie for us, we lie for you, because you can't possibly know how we perceive and interpret the world so we have to put it in terms that, for lack of a better term, the common person can understand. If the truth makes you unhappy, then lying is the only logical response. I am more than happy to be completely honest with people who accept me but people who shame and negatively criticize will always be speaking to my metaphorical "social scarecrow".
When the truth is "an excuse", people are forced to lie. I have grown to savagely hate any phrase with the word "Excuse" in terms of explanation. Because it's only an excuse when it doesn't fit someone else narrative. I was late to work. "That's just an excuse." I forgot. "I don't need an excuse." I didn't have the spoons to deal with it. "You have more excuses than a politician!" Hey, did you do that thing I asked you to do? "Oh, well, I couldn't do it because of this and that and the other thing." Oh so giving reasons why YOU couldn't do what YOU were supposed to is an "Explanation", but when *I* explain when *I* can't or couldn't do something, it's just an excuse. Fuck you.
Incredibly relatable. Worse part for me is ending up isolating yourself, deeply convince that all is your fault and that you'll never fit anyway. Also sorry if i'm wrong but you sounds to me like a fellow french, i wasn't able to get that out of my mind for the whole video.
I'm American, so I'm a native English speaker, but I learned to speak French when I was younger, and had teachers who were from France, so I heard them speak English a lot. I agree with you, I'm almost certain she's French! (Unfortunately my ability to speak French has degraded because I rarely have the occasion to use it, but I can still read it pretty well.)
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing my whole life… specially when I n eeded to find excuses for been late…😔 Also made me feel really bad because I feel very uncomfortable when I lie😢
I've never seen anyone talk about this before and it explains SO MUCH. For me, a lot of it started in school like I cannot begin to count the number of days I skipped school and claimed I felt sick when in reality I just felt too overwhelmed to go. And hell even if I have no reason to lie about something to the current person i'm talking to, if I lied about it to someone in the past to protect myself, I still stick with it. I guess on the small chance wires will cross and it gets out.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but did a bunch of research and tests. What I realized is that having adhd is like having a younger sibling. You're supposed to tell them whats right, whats wrong and if they get in trouble/MAKE trouble, it's your fault. The older siblings fault, since the younger one is their responsiblity. The problem with adhd or this sibling is, is that they *never* learn, they'll always keep running around causing trouble with you right on their tail, failing to keep up and fix their messes at the last second. I hate it, because as much as adhd is a part of my body, which is my responsiblity, (since I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself and yada) i ask "is it really my fault? Is it my fault, that this sibling of mine can't get their sht together? That I can't get my sht together to make them understand the rights and wrong in a way they'll actually learn?" I wanna keep writing but I just can't. My adhd is trying to tear me away from writing in order to get back to doom scrolling (aka feel happier) or whatever the shtbiscuit I was doing before this. On one hand yeah, I think I'll stop now, yet for some reason that task seems impossible right now. Gosh my motivation is down the drain. I wanted to bake cookies today, but then my dad yelled at me cuz I keep acting like I know what he's going to say and keep on interrupting him (my dude you *keep on* making dramatic pauses, that my impatient ass can't handle) and then it was all kinda gone. Now its almost 9pm and I'm like: "Oh I should bake cookies today!" _"But we can't!"_ "Why can't we?" _"Because it's too late! And we'll be yelled at again, because we're making the cookies so late, even though we could've started earlier!"_ "But I wanna bake cookies!" _"You can't though!"_ "But I want to!" _"No, you're not allowed to."_ "Why?" And the cycle goes on and on and I can't get the thoughts of wanting to bake cookies and why I can't out of my head, so I keep on getting shamed, like I should've started earlier, why couldn't I start earlier. I don't have a valid reason as to why I couldn't start earlier. So you were able to start earlier. But I didn't. But you should've. But I didn't. You should've. I didn't. You should've. I didn't. You should've. I didn't, its in the past now, I can't fix it. Why can't you? Why? I can't. Doesn't make it better, you should've and aren't you supposed to be doing something else right now? Yes, I am. So why aren't you doing it? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. But you're supposed to be doing something different right now. Yeah. So do it. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Learn to prioritise and start doing the thing you're supposed to do. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Start doing the thing you're supposed to do. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Start doing the thing you're supposed to do. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Start doing the thing you're supposed to do. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Start doing the thing you're supposed to do. No. Why not? I don't know, I'm writing this currently though. Start doing the thing you're supposed to do. ... You know, maybe after a couple minutes I'll get to it. So stop shaming and bothering me. Ok. Oh look! A butterfly :D (proceds to forget the whole ordeal, until it comes to bite back in the ass either 30min later or when it's too late and the same excuse as the cookie -baking one comes up. Cycle repeats until your confidence is nonexistent and dematerialised (not there yet, but sure enough, if that sht doesn't change. Telling me to get my sht together and God believes in me is as inefficient as telling someone with a fear of spiders to stop fearing spiders)) Welcome and goodbye to my tedtalk. I fcking needed this and you may or may not know how much. Anyway please no words of encouragement, cuz if anything they're only going to make me feel worse, since no way in hell am I turning my life around for an internet comment, when I can't if my life depended on it (I'd call it a bluff at first, then become increasingly really paranoid and lastly accept it, all like "fck the world, I'm dying standing rather than living on my knees" even though the assignment would've been smth stupid like "write a 1 page essay as to why rain falls from the sky and explain earth's water circulation (or whatever the english call it) Yeah, do I have adhd? Been wondering for a bit. You know one side having all the evidence (this text included) and the other just saying "nahhh, we're just lazy af" Yeaah, maybe I should start doing the thing now. Maybe But damn now I don't wanna stop writing. But holy sht this comment is LONG. Like we started with that siblings argument, that feels like forever ago!! I know I should stop and my brain is already spamming what else other than the thing I'm supposed to do right now, but there HAS TO BE smth I can add to this! Right?? OOOk. Like a deep breath ok. Stop. Goodbye. Should I now remove that tedtalk goodbye and just welcome considering im saying bye now? No, shut up. Ok bye. Idk can someone relate to my thought process here?? Really in need of validation, that I might have adhd (or add, adhd without hyperactivity aka the "h") Hope it helps :') Edit: added paragragh spaces for easier reading :) also holy sht this is the longest I've ever written, but still have enough self-esteem to not take it down.
I hear you. I seriously do. I don't have any solutions for you just right now, on the spur of the moment... Just be aware that my extremely ADHD ass just read (almost) your whole rant, because I relate to it so much. And you know what? Despite all your struggles, you're an okay person anyway! You obviously care very much, and you keep trying. People who don't understand, well, they just don't understand. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.
It's all so embarrassing, but this makes me feel less alone. I'm so tired of hearing I need to try harder, or am just lazy or don't care. I care too much.
You make me feel so accepted, it's been hard for me to live with ADHD. and seeing that there's such a big community that can explain how we are makes me feel so comfortable and happy.
I'm pretty sure I have adhd and I really struggle with doing things regularly, I really notice this again now that I have medication that I have to take every day that’s really important but I still forget at least once or twice every two weeks. I lied a lot as a child about having brushed my teeth or not because of that struggle with regularity, because I was ashamed to forget such obvious things and it oftentimes felt like too much to get up again to do after realising. I actually still struggle with that.
😔 i really appreciate you talking about this. i'm lucky to have found a few friends i usually don't feel i have to lie to. i do often lie in order to avoid being scolded or told i have no respect for anything. people often react like this even when they know i have AuDHD and i try to explain as clearly as i can. i was late hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend, she got mad at me and i apologized and teared up and tried to explain my struggle for the thousandth time. she said "next time just let me know when you're running late" but honestly, that's not an easy thing to do for me most of the time, and i usually can't tell how late i will arrive. i recently heard her talking to her friend about how it's obnoxious that i'm always late. it sucks to be so fucking misunderstood even when you try to explain. it honestly makes me want to never make plans with anyone again.
Saaame. Lying is as easy as breathing at this point. Sometimes I say the half truth so that I get in less trouble or lie for unnecessary details so that the truth makes more sense
huh. *add this to the "i probably have adhd" file* Sometimes i just. lie about something that isn't that big of a deal if I tell the truth because I got so used to give easy lies. Luckily I'm starting to realize when I'm considering lying to justify something that doesn't need me lying to be accepted, which makes me force myself to actually be honest with it.
This video spoke to me in so many different ways! Thank you for sharing your experience 🥰 also the animation is adorable! Subbed instantly (that's a lie; I was so engaged in the content that I immediately went to the comments and started responding to people! But I'm subbing now before checking out the rest of your channel.)
I was taught very early on that lying gets me in a lot more trouble than just telling the truth, but quite honestly that means my definition of “lying” is so warped, since I never want to feel the bite of failure of someone feeling disappointment, I will never agree to do something I even think I could have trouble doing, so I end up actually being lazy and sitting around and not doing much, paralyzed of failure. I was diagnosed early, at around 8 or so, and my dad has it too alongside my sister, and even still I have trouble fitting in with everyone else and even still feel feelings of isolation around other people diagnosed with adhd, it feels like some obnoxious cop out to have all the cards stacked in my favor and still fail it all
Rarely do I watch a video where I agree with everything being said, and feel extremely uncomfortable because of it. Thank you for this. Wow, I should probably talk to a professional.
I have BPD and ADHD, and I'm not sure I've ever seen lying described in such a relatable way. (I've definitely worked on it, and made a ton of progress).
I'm most likely AuDHD. It's kind of funny, being Stressed at 10 years old (1:20) was actually the more acceptable explanation in my case. Toward the end of 5th grade there was this guy I was trying to become friends with but I didn't understand how to do it. I noticed he "punched" the arms of other guys who he was friends with as a greeting/to say hello. During lunch one day I tried to joke the way I'd seen him and his friends do it and added in a punch to his arm. He immediately yelled at me and got an adult from the school to take me to the principal's office, a situation I'd never been in before. It was too hard to explain to the principal that I was confused and thought it was part of the friendly behavior I was trying to analyze enough to be a part of. I ended up crying in her office. I couldn't figure out how to talk about it so I just used an adult catch-all word and said I was "Stressed". She assumed it was because the End of Level Testing was famously more difficult that year and made up a story about my behavior that I just kept agreeing/nodding to. She took pity on me based on her own story, gave me a squishy stress ball some sponsor had given the school that year, and told me not to do it again.
You know if this video had come out like 2 years ago I might have been able to save my first marriage LOL could not understand why my wife could not stop lying or why she agreed to things one minute and then change her mind weeks later once plans have already been set into motion instead of just telling you the first time that she was stressed about it. Eventually it led to her lying becoming so bad that we ended up homeless because she lied to me and said she had paid the moving company and turns out that she needed $300 that I could have gotten her but instead she lied and told me the company was coming late up until we were supposed to be already moved out of our apartment. I had to call the company myself several times to get the full story and I felt awful having to slueth around to prove my wife was lying. If I didnt solve it though, I wouldve been fucked and left dead in the water. She actively stopped me from protecting myself from homelessness by lying. I didnt want a kid around all of that and feeling that unsurity I always felt. For years I had dealt with her lying and I knew that she lied and I tried to work around it because I understood that it came from her trauma but it got to a point where she would not change her lying or even try to consider ways to help me with cleaning around the house despite the fact that we both have ADHD. I would come up with a million accommodations but she never tried any of them ever and always just said it was too hard and threw up her hands and made me do everything despite me also having ADHD on top of autism and several other physical disabilities that she did not have. Honestly I thought the lying came from her BPD because I also struggled with lying in the past and I have BPD, maybe if I had known it was the ADHD I could have helped her a little bit more before it ended up at the point where I could not stand it anymore and I had to leave because I was so uncomfortable around her and her constant lying made me feel unsafe in my own home. So like as long as you're not doing that...
When I saw this in my recommendeds, I clicked on it not because I think I might have ADHD, but because I already know (I was diagnosed fairly early on in elementary school) and I also know I’ve been having issues with being honest with my parents about important things, so seeing a video title implying that the two could be related piqued my interest. I’ve also texted the link to my parents.
@trwn87 I seems?? Thanks for telling me what already is obvious.. Sorry I think I sound mean but am not being.. I don't understand your advice rational view over particular situations?? Please elaborate if you can.
Try not to accuse yourself of lying, or being a 'liar' because adhd can make lying a current state, not a personality trait.. much like what this video is trying to teach the truth can be something people with adhd can become clever at using.. if I don't use the truth with someone it's because I don't trust them, or their ability to understand me and the situation we're in. I think of it as knowing when to use the truth, or when to shape it to help me with the uncomfortable social situation I'm in. I'm not talking about deceiving anyone I love with long-term dishonesty, but those almost meaningless social interactions with people that can come and go where using the truth will just alienate me or force me to go into a deep dive on how I'm internalising. I'd rather tell someone I don't know well that I'm 'getting fresh air' over telling them I'm outside in the cold because inside there are too many noises for me to cope with.. doesn't make me a liar, it just means that person has no rights to my 'truth' unless I want them to have it.. So, don't hate yourself, the more you accept yourself as you are the easier it becomes to invite others to accept you and you'll need to use lying less 🤞
@@trwn87I've always admired how 'rational' those without adhd can be.. must be nice. People with adhd, add inattentive type especially, can experience an overwhelming sense of irrational inner dialogue meaning they can experience judgement and rejection differently.. at least they perceive it differently. This can motivate them to lie so people won't judge them by a social standard that has never felt accessible or easy. Telling them to 'just be rational' seems like nice advice but it might identify you as someone that may want to hide their truth from as you don't get why they're lying in the first place
@@daveyboots79 I agree that some people shouldn’t know the full truth, especially strangers. Opening up is great in front of people you are familiar with but not so great with others. Being able to distinguish that from blatantly lying is important.
Thanks for your content. I recently got diagnosed and everything started to make sense. Content like yours helped me (re)discover or at least understand, a lot of things of myself.
This is SO relatable and I did not realize that is why I wouldn't just say the truth, and then always feel bad. THANK YOU for explaining this and validating my feelings!!
I'd argue Society gaslights us from a YOUNG age to obey OTHERS' reality, not trust our knowledge of the truth, eg "no the work wasn't too hard [for you], you were just lazy!" "You could do better if you tried harder" etc. I wasn't even aware certain things were lies, I was just searching for the right answe I was expected to parrot to signal my remorse and obedience, as I knew the cycle: I did bad somehow I didn't understand, now it's time to get berated and telling the truth might be "making excuses " or "talking back" - there was an expected answe that was acceptable, either because it put the blame on me and not the authority figure, or because it was the simple and expected answer and didn't challenge them to think uncomfortable self reflections, or because it was what society had labelled the "correct" one (eg didn't do work and nothing seems to be stopping you = lazy/forgetful). We learn that what we perceive as truth is wrong and that what others taking charge say is true is the real truth. If you're raised in a religion which extolls faith without needing evidence as a virtue, that just reinforces the idea that you should adjust your belief to what's expected as "obedience", rather than doubling down on your lived experience of events as your reality. It's a problem with being taught that if you're not neurotypical you need to just accept how OTHERS say things should be as the way things are and that you don't have to understand why, so long as you mask and obey, so you're not a problem people have to deal with. It's one reason why so many people who are ADHD/autistic are victims of abuse, including gaslighting - it's taught to us, and we see the pressure to confirm even our own reality, not just our behaviours, as just part of the obligations of people working together in society. Because we're taught that we don't even deserve our own boundaries and we assume everyone is operating in good faith the way we are, and not trying to take advantage. The moments when experience teaches us that people CAN be abusive andthat we've been systemically oppressed can be a real eye opener, and then we go from knowing less than those around us about how we have been manipulated and abused to start identifying the abuse and manipulation EVERYWHERE, including at a larger scale, within companies, cults, religious organisations, and authoritarian-leaning governments!
Depends on the context. If you're having a health issue and a medical worker is asking, it's a lie. If the person asking just prevented a major injury to you, you might be shaken up but they're really just asking if you're physically okay. That particular question is usually just a social lubricant instead of an actual inquiry
Do you often lie to hide your ADHD struggles 👀?
"how are you doing?"
Yes sometimes when I was child I m teen now And I diagnosed ADHD Early when my Age is 7 And that’s to be not big struggle when I was 7 years Ago 😁
I lie before even being able to control it. It leaves my mouth so easily that I don't get it
@@Nanaa2702same.. I lie it before getting to think about it.. and then I realise it later on and feel so bad about it
I always hide my ADHD troubles, because I believe nobody will understand and they'll think I'm overreacting something.
"I forgot" is so so much easier than "I was constantly thinking about it, knew I had to do it, and wanted to do it, but my brain refused"
!!!!!!
THIS.
REALEAT THING EVER
YES
Glad to see this resonated lol
“I have a migraine” is so much easier to say than “the colors are too bright and sounds are too loud and my clothes suddenly got itchy and it’s making me cry.”
For real! I often say “I have a migraine” too instead of being honest and saying “everything feels so overwhelming today, I just can’t function”.
Same! I do get migraines from sensory overload, so it might not even be a lie.
ME 100%- I already had been having them occasionally at that point, and it was the only way people would ever think that my struggles in the moment were worth being empathetic towards
Yes. I do a lot of that sort of lie -.-
As an adhd autistic woman, I relate. People don’t understand or believe me when I say the smell of the ranch on the table is overstimulating me. I’m literally in pain. And they think I’m being dramatic.
I’ve tried several times to explain people that sometimes life just feels overwhelming and I get anxious since I wake up, but they don’t get it, they say just to suck it up. So I found out people wouldn’t question if I told them instead I have a real physical ache, like headache, stomachache or even cramps… somehow something physical is way more acceptable than something like anxiety or depression…
This. ❤️🩹 omg this. I cannot tell how many times hearin the words “You just gotta do it. Push through!” For whenever I asked how was I supposed to improve, whilst being so caught up in burnout, struggle and lots of pain and mental strain. We can’t just force ourselves cause we’re already doing so jus trying out the stuff around our lives!! Already procrastinatin and forgetting about tasks, favours and things that I said I was getting to. Even myself I feel like I’m able to do em all but find myself unable to complete anything at all and already thrown aback just finishing only half of it. Sucks to have do things twice the amount of time as my family 🥲 but ig that’s audhd for ya🥹 help
Ugh, this this this this!
The reason people are more willing to accept the excuse of a headache or something rather than anxiety is that they have most likely experienced that so can put themselves in your shoes, however they may not have experienced that overwhelming like you have, so they just put it aside as “not a proper reason”
And this is why my social circle is small. I don't like lying, I don't like masking, I don't like pretending I'm someone I'm not and life is less stressful because I'm fortunate enough to have people who accept me in my life and I worked hard in therapy to become strong enough to gradually unmask and drop people who refused to to work with me to find middle grounds when it bothered them (I'm not expecting my friends to 100% accommodate me but clear 2 way communication, boundaries from all parties and addressing any problems have helped strengthen my bond with people)
Oh yes. Love waking up overwhelmed and anxious, especially when I was fine the previous day.
I just say I have stomach ache and feel like I'll puke if I eat anything, which isn't a complete lie but I know where it comes from, it's just easier than saying I woke up overwhelmed. I don't think people would get it.
I tell my friend, who has anxiety and also has days where she feels overwhelmed due to it, so she understands me more. But to anyone else I stick to half truths of just saying the physical symptoms.
1:20 “Stressed? At 10 years old? That’s ridiculous” felt that in my soul man 😭
God, that made me so mad! Children get anxious too, Dr. Asshole. Just because they don't pay bills and have shitty bosses to please, that doesn't mean their lives are simple or easy. Kids deal with unreasonable expectations, strict teachers, bullies, all sorts of things. And even if the kid isn't the target, existing in that environment and seeing others suffer is really stressful!
@@emilyrln No kidding.
Being able to be articulate and self aware enough at ten years old to be able to say I'm stressed is foreign to me. Communication was so discouraged from my sister and I that I can't even imagine being able to say that at that time in my life
@@emilyrlnAnd ignorant dismissive Doctors!
@@whittenawI knew I was stressed since I was young. Nobody listened to me though
people pleaser, more like terrified of displeasing people. thanks for helping me realise it's probably ADHD that makes me do all this :D
It’s also associated with PTSD and anxiety disorders. (I’m someone who is currently trying to figure out which basket I fall in). I’m going for that workbook. ✨
@@SheBPadfoot yeah, I totally have a lot of anxiety too (the three As- ADHD, anxiety and autism :D), plus the majority of it is social anxiety which definitely has to do with the people pleasing..
@Willow0.o Someone asked me the other day why I can space out at any time. And I had to tell them that my brain is often so loud that even when I seem to be doing nothing I’m working overdrive. Which I know people may interpret that as excuses, but I can’t explain it any other way.
@@SheBPadfoot Yeah, I totally can relate to that. I'm not diagnosed with ADHD- I tried to get a diagnosis but unfortunately my anxiety and autism definitely mask it when I'm at school, and bc I'm under 18 they take my school's opinion over mine.. totally not bitter about it or anything xD /sarc /lh- but if you took one look at my bedroom floor and all the unfinished projects I hyperfocussed on for a single day, then just left out in case I get round to finishing them one day... well, I think it's pretty clear what the cause of that is lol
@Willow0.o I resonate with that very strongly ✨ at least we know we aren’t alone. We’re all making it up as we go.
Yup. In addition to this, I also noticed that the lack of impulse control AND the sense of urgency can also make lot harder to reign in lying. Brains that are good at chaining come up with stories quickly and when you couple that with reduced impulse control and a sense of urgency/pressures to say something...well it's a bad recipe.
@@ALew789 this!! literally, you stated it so eloquently!!!
Why is this so accurate?! 🥲🥹
Couple both of those with the way we explain things can make it so it seems nothing we say is the "truth" as we'll always end up explaining it multiple times in different ways. That and i've even noticed i have lied multiple times without even realizing and didn't know that I lied until i got called out for it.
THIS 👏 A 👏 THOU- 👏 -SAND 👏 PER- 👏 -CENT 👏
Yeah that tracks 😅
3:17 When you already feel like a burden, it's hard to believe you deserve to ask for anything. *This right here!!!*
Fuck that hit me.
That rattled my very soul 😢
As someone with ADHD, was a genuine "oopsie, pull out game weak" birth, AND whos parents separated from you being the final straw in their admittedly already failing marriage, all coupled with trying to move houses right when the 2008 housing crisis hit forcing us to pay for two mortgages since nobody would buy the one house we left...
Yeah. I certainly got used to never ever asking for things except for birthdays and holidays, and even then i tried to stay reasonable with prices.
That hit entirely too close to home, man 😭
Ugh, yeah. D:
lying became a really big habit for me to the point of me doing not only this, but also telling general little lies. as in, i’ll exaggerate or outright lie when telling a story if i realise im talking too much or the story is actually boring bc i dont want people to get bored and stop listening to me (my family starts ignoring me mid conversation a lot because i talk too much, even if i feel like i wasnt). the lying to cover up struggles also happens a lot, even with my likely neurodivergent friends, because i feel like a bad person. “sorry i didnt text you back, i didnt see your message” is so much easier than “sorry i didnt text you back, i saw your message but decided to respond later because i didnt want to talk to anyone but then i forgot you existed. again.”
The text thing is so real. I was inordinately happy when my iPhone let me mark a text as unread so I could read it and then keep it visible and have the little red circle counting unread texts on the app icon. And even then, the red circle itself is a stressful reminder that I need to deal with something that currently feels like too much 🙄😅😭
The texting things so real. Everyone knows that i will get to you when i can get to you. Until then, im busy, and no its none of your business as to what im busy with. Id say only a few people know, if even one person has figured it out, that sometimes i just cannot be bothered to text at that moment because i would not have a good response for them, and id rather answer later when i can give a proper thought out response
this
i have a group of nd friends and we ALL struggle with replying to text messages, so we don't actually have to explain ourselves or lie about why we didn't answer (most of the time), because we all know it's because of those reasons (not the right time, stressful, forgetting etc)
and when we actually need a quick answer, we write it up front and hope for a quick answer
calling is the last last resort
@@korvincarry3268ABSOLUTELY THIS.
I got labeled as an overdramatic, hypersensitive "princess" when I was honest about my struggles caused by ADHD & autism. My mother often compared me to the story of The Princess and the Pea by Hans Christian Anderson. Implying that I was so dainty, spoiled, and priveleged that even the smallest things could ruin my day. My struggles were treated like a pathetic joke.
I hate lying, but I hate being treated like I'm priveleged and entitled for being disabled even more.
This is so relatable, and I feel my heart breaking inside 💔❤️🩹
oof hit home family would always call me privileged especially my brother
would always say i have it so easy that i cry over or make a big deal over the smallest things
tw
(which is kind of ironic considering he SA'd me and yet claims that i live a life free from pain or worry)
That last line !!! Felt that so hard
This hits so hard…
I was said the same but what I do is own that, I PROUDLY proclaim that yes, I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE PEA and a DELICATE LOTUS FLOWER and that if anyone complains is going to have a problem with me. If you proclaim what other perceive as weakness as your greatest strength with enough conviction and aggression, they start taking you seriously, and if not... Well... Autism makes it rather easy to manipulate others into being miserable.
I lied all the time anout finishing or forgetting my homework as a kid. I remember a teacher holding me back during recess and clearing out my desk which was full of assignments i had pushed to the back to avoid dealing with both doing them and the shame of having not done them. She didnt get mad at me or yell at me but i was mortified, she was the first person who suggested i had ADHD. My parents didnt believe her and not even my pediatrician did because i was a "good kid", i was diagnosed over 10 years later when i was 20. I am still working on unmasking, but as I continue doing the hard work I have been able to open myself up to people in ways I never thought I could before. I am really lucky to have the friends I have, theyre great! But i also did a lot of work to make myself open to having those friends, and a huge part of that was breaking down that pain and fear surrounding weather or not people would accept me as me
Real sry to hear that.. :c even blood family can really cause the most damage and prove to not be real “family” out there. I was constantly looked at as lazy and told to do better and that I never really “tried” When most of the time and pretty much all the time I did. It’s different for us. Our sensitivity, our processing is much different to those neurotypical - opposite of the spectrum to us. Whatever’s gonna be difficult for them will be more likely to be twice if not, 3 times harder for us. It really is difficult having been diagnosed much later in life and only starting to manage and heal past shame, regret and lots nurturing for ourselves and the life around us. Glad you have great friends out there supporting, I could think of anything better than real friends and close ines that genuinely do care and try best for us. The best remedy for stuck neurodivergent peeps is gettin picked up and nudged back towards our goals and the good things that help round
I did my homework EVERY NIGHT, but my teachers never asked me to hand it in, so I didn't think to do so.
That sucks SO MUCH WORSE, because all I got told is "How could someone SO SMART not turn in theur homework..."
It demolished me. I even tried to get one teacher to just give me a place to PUT it when I came in, but nope. Consequently, I'd never hand it in.
I hope it's better now, but I seriously doubt it.
Damn thank you this really helped me.
The first time I got a bad grade was in 7th grade when a teacher liked to assign a "cover sheet" for the week with all our assignments that were due, and expected to turn in at the end of the week. There was one month where I lost the cover sheet EVERY WEEK before Friday. Can't finish your homework if you don't know what it is. Can't turn it in - with the cover sheet - if you don't have it done and stapled to the cover sheet. I got a D, and that's when they finally ordered a child psych for me. Unfortunately this was 1992, I was a girl, and the diagnosis was not ADHD but "gifted and bored." Still fighting for a formal diagnosis 33 years later.
I used to kind give vague answers so I wouldn't technically be "lying" but then my dad told me "withholding information is still lying" I just started being blunt about stuff, sometimes I accidentally hurt peoples feelings but usually I try to give context so they know I dont have any malicious intent. Only problem is sometimes people think Im lying because Im not saying what THEY think is the truth, and when they keep pressing me I get cornered so Im anxious/mad then they have the nerve to be like "Youre only anxious because your LYING! You're playing mind games!" And Im like "look the only mind games I play are gaslighting myself and forgetting what the hell I did 5 minutes ago!" Dont push your intentions on me!
Withholding information isn’t lying unless you are intentionally giving the other person the impression that you are telling them everything. Being vague isn’t lying, it’s just not over sharing when you’re not comfortable going into detail.
@@annataymond9529thank you!! We aren't obligated to share everything. For me, I often over-explain things because I'm afraid I'll be misunderstood or my answer/actions/etc won't be accepted as valid.
Withholding information isn't lying. Withholding information can be not saying anything at all. And that's not lying, that's just being silent. Bearing false witness is lying.
Damn. I don't consider withholding information to be lying, but man talk about being forced through a different route. I was lucky in a lot of ways. Still lacked adequate support, but it could have been far worse.
Well withholding information is not exactly lying, but it can be worse. Since you make the other person fill in the blanks you left out - basically you make them lie to themselves, so be careful with that
"I forgot" is much easier than " I've been thinking about it everyday for weeks, but I can't seem to act on it"
So fn true
"It feels safer to keep my struggles to myself then risk being misunderstood or judged" hits right at my heart
bingo.
Most relatable quote ever
whenever i misbehaved as a child and was demanded to explain my behaviour, i started saying "i forgot" because the real reason was "i don't know", but nobody would accept that answer. eventually they stopped accepting "i forgot" too. the only other reason i could think of is "i am deliberately trying to make you mad", which adults often accused me of, but the idea was so upsetting to me i was unwilling to let them think that, and they always seemed so angry when they suggested it. so with no other excuse to think of, i started shutting down and not saying anything. and guess what? they didn't like that either!
Aye. They scream at you till you have a panic attack, then scream at you for having a panic attack.
You finally figure out how to withstand the sonic attack being directed at you (in my case by retreating into my mind) and they scream at you for not having a panic attack.
Just can't win.
"I don't know" "that's not an answer" okay the fuck you want me to say then cuz the only other option is lying and lying feels like the emotional equivalent of stepping in dog turd
Yeah, this is my experience to a T. I'd say I didn't know, and they'd say I was lazy and entitled and basically said that I'm fortunate to not be an orphan or on the streets.
Same lol. After a certain point I started lying about my intentions to "take accountability" as to take the heat off of myself. It's indeed very upsetting to lie about doing something on purpose with some alterior motive, but when it's what people want from you it becomes very difficult to show them otherwise. It doesn't take long before you accept that you're just lazy, because it's a lot easier than trying to achieve understanding from others, and if a tree falls in the forest that no one's around to hear it did it even make a sound? Does your reality matter if people don't accept its existence? Lived experiences often contradict what "should be," yet there are many who foolishly cling onto these ideals and defend an artificial moral high ground to become an arbiter over others (filing people into "good" and "bad" at a dime), instead of rightfully tackling gray areas by first seeking understanding then deciding a course of action.
REAL LIKE EVERY TIME I CAN'T DO SOMETHING (usually my assignments) OR I JUST CHRONICALLY FORGET TO DO IT I JUST SHUT DOWN AND NEVER TALK AND IT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE GO INSANE AND IT MAKES ME SO UPSET BUT IT'S LIKE I JUST CAN'T TALK OR DO ANYTHING 🙁
Oof, I felt this :( Yeah, you HAVE to lie. You learn so fast as a kid that the truth will burn bridges.
You say, ‘I forgot’ and what you mean is ‘I didn’t intend for this to happen, but it straight up SLID OUT OF MY BRAIN. Yes, I did write it down, in two different places, and that yes, I did set an alarm to remind me, and yes, it is in fact in my calendar, but none of those safe guards were able to put that task back into my awareness in a way that I could act on.’
You say, ‘I forgot’, and they hear ‘I willfully and negligently dropped this task because I don’t really care about you, or about any of this. I could have done something to prevent myself from forgetting it, but I didn’t respect you enough to try harder. I could have willed myself to do this properly, but I chose not to.’
god, EXACTLY. "stop making excuses" but its never an excuse. they think you're lying because you're not telling them what THEY think happened. its so frustrating.
Oh my gosh you said this so eloquently
It will be interpreted as the second case every single time.
Eventually you just stop doing things for people.
Eventually they stop bothering you. Because they know they can't make you dance for them.
I lie and mask to keep myself safe.
I grew up with a toxic parent in the 90s before most people believed ADHD was even real, I ended up lying to keep myself from getting in trouble for things I couldn't help. I've even found myself doing it in work environments due to being so scared of getting fired because of working in minimum wage jobs where they would fire you for any little reason they could find. Even now, after I've found a job where they don't fire you without a good reason.
I've adopted the habit to straight up say the truth. This generally makes people loose confidence in me. Like, I stopped lying to my mom when I skip meals. For a long time, she didn't have to worry about it because I would lie. Now she doesn't trust me to feed myself. It makes me sad, but I don't deserve this trust. But at least I stopped losing weight and my health is getting better.
I also get late a lot of timed, and ended up just lying about it and not attending at all. I told the truth, and lost my responsibilities for someone else, I got kinda depressed about it, but at least someone is working it out.
Sometimes, i haven't do something I needed for "no reason", I used to lie, saying that I did, so u could have a second chance to actually doing it. But when I tell the truth, I get help to actually do the thing, even if it means bring yelled, keeped awake, get my phone confiscated, y"know, things that I wish I could do to myself.
The only thing that bothers me us that I am getting older. I am already 19, I CAN'T live being taken care of, I should be taking care of younger people now. I am very worried about my future, when my mom will not be there anymore to confiscate my phone or hide the sugar. I remember being worried about adulthood since I child. I remember thinking I would rather die than being an adult like this. I don't wanna die. But...
You're certainly not alone in being afraid of getting older and not feeling able to take on the responsibilities normally associated with adulthood. I'm nearly 30 and still haven't gotten to achieve most of the things that most people are somehow expected to do by 18! I agree that it hurts both to lie about how capable you feel, but also to be punished by having people see you as less of an adult if you tell the truth about yourself. Just keep in mind that the societal expectation of "have everything figured out and start your own family by your mid-20s" is hugely unrealistic and out of date for most people. The truth is that these days young adults are meeting those traditional "adulting" milestones later and still need help from their parents/relatives for much longer, because today's world is not an easy one to thrive in even if you aren't struggling with neurodiversity. Getting help to manage your ADHD would be a good first step, but you could also look for counselling or other mental health services to talk about your very understandable fears and anxieties. Nobody out there can actually make it all on their own. Some of us just need a little more help than others.
I also struggled with not going to classes and stuff to avoid being late… but I eventually realized it’s better to be late than miss everything. I relate to everything you said . On top of that for a lot of my time in school, if I wasn’t sure certain I would do really well on an assignment or test I would just never submit it even if it was done or partially done. It was bad for me, I try to always remind myself that 55% is better than 0%. There’s no reason to feel embarrassed, just be yourself and be honest and accept support when you need it. People are a lot more understanding than you think and if they aren’t, that shows who they are and that’s their deficiency to work on, not yours. Because the population is moving in the direction of understanding.
I'm almost 25. I had a rough childhood and was kicked out at 18. Despite the fact, I was scared of how I was supposed to function as an adult since I no longer had my harsh parents to keep me in line. My own sister was terrified that I was just going to keel over eventually (anxiety).
But y'know what? (I mean this positively), The world punishes you too. It's a different kind of punishment, though. They aren't immediate, they grow over time, and they get harder to fix the longer you take to learn from. Biggest example is my teeth. Eventually, you have to pay A LOT to fix your teeth if you screw them up. And paying so much of my miniscule money to reverse my own laziness is a great reminder to get myself together.
It's not the most efficient way to learn, but I find comfort in knowing that I'll eventually get it with time. Even faster when you have loving people who will support you and guide you before life teaches you the hard way.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it's understandable and relatable. The good news is, you are so young AND you're already miles ahead because you've done such great work being honest with your family. This is a huge step towards figuring out how to do things yourself in a way that works FOR you. There will be a lot of trial and error but I believe with support you can be independent.
I don't know where you are in the world but if therapy or coaching or meds are an option, deffo look into that; you deserve help just as much as anyone else
I'm really grateful that you shared this. I think you are in a really similar situation to a young relative I care deeply about. I think its really courageous of you to confront these tendencies head on at such a young age. Really, this type of honesty is a powerful way for you to enter into adulthood that few people achieve or understand. Just keep at it, stay noticing, and take care of yourself. Also, If you need DEEP rest, take it.
1. Get assigned a task
2. Procrastinate
3. Get asked how it's going
4. Lie because you can't just say "Actually I did nothing all week, but once my brain feels like working I'll work unhealthy hours to catch up and finish it on time"
5. Eventually get to it and realize you have a question and you clearly can't start the task until it's answered
6. Wing it because now everyone thinks you've been working on the task, so you can't possibly be stuck at such an early stage
Ouch
Yeah, that's basically how I got through high school and college. Still do it at my job now every now and then, though it's much less severe than it used to be.
Oh my god this is me trying to do my job, it always gets done on time but at what cost
I had a moment like this once. Was so incredibly frustrated at a year of school, I felt like I was constantly drowning all of a sudden because last year didn’t go so well.
One of my assignments, I felt forced to email a last minute question because I couldn’t start until the last few days of a couple months assignment.
I got some sort of answer with a reply email, but that also came with a question of ‘why didn’t you ask me this sooner?’
And wielding the frustration of having impossible to reconcile emotions, I gave a thank you reply with an attempted explanation.
Nothing really happened except I did get the assignment in on time, but just being put in a position where I felt I needed to justify mental blocks I have zero control over regardless of the force I exert on myself just felt terrible, and that stress and anxiety was cumulative and made worse mental blocks for future assignments, even though no physical person was contributing to that directly.
Fortunately, I did pass the year, but that experience haunts my confidence for a lot of things moving forward, even simply stuff like cleaning the bed or getting up on time sometimes.
Oh no, this sounds horribly familiar. Yeowch!
This video broke me. Nothing has described the last 20 years of my life better. You will never know how much this helps, but thank you so much.
Same. I know I have ADHD but it's so difficult telling people what it's like. I hate that I interrupt people all the time and they get mad at me but I feel like if I don't then My mind is going to wander off and I'm going to forget what I wanted to say.
it relates to me too. but the first thought i had was "wait im trans, is that not it??"
but yeah, i do think i have adhd too, its just interesting to see that thats why i am how i am. and omg i feel so represented by "i cant do this its too BORNING" LIKE I LITERALLY FEEL THAT EVERYDAY. the representation
This entire comment section & video made me realize, with a concussion at 3 in the morning after Christmas Day, that I should take care of some things in my life. Thank you all for being so wonderful 🧙♂️
I can relate very much. Just yesterday my mom called me lazy and thought i avoided my responsibilities. But I did so much that day!! My dad and brother were sick, so i did all the chores and went to pharmacy and to the store, even when i was feeling like shit and having not that much spoons left after school. (She came home in the evening and hasn't been there for 4 days) I wish she just would listen to me once, just me, not bringing her or others up for once. "Everyone else is tired too" I just want to be understood!!! I'm trying to understand my mom, so why wouldn't she do it too??
It's so hard being propably the only neuro divergent one in our family, and dealing with shit in the outside world too. I just can't say "it's not my fault, I have ADHD"..it feels like I'm making excuses, and I don't even have my diagnosis yet. I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!! it's so hard, and my parents telling me i can change things, do better... I AM TRYING MY HARDEST!! THAT'S WHY I'M IN MY ROOM, TRYING TO REST, BUT THEN YOU SEE ME AND GET THE WRONG IDEA. Yeah, i did so good last week, all the chores and responsibilities, but look at me, no wonder I'm tired! So please, I just need more time to recharge than others, that doesn't mean im a burden!! When I'm maybe finally getting ny life on track, parents are STILL telling me I'm lazy!!! Maybe I'll write all this down and give it to her, so I can avoid the shouting and anger and crying for once. I'm so tired.
"I'm so tired" is Ike my personal mantra. Sounds like you're hitting burnout early. It's rough, I'm sorry. Best advice is to talk with someone - councillor, therapist - that can actually help. That and remember, as you clearly do, that out brains work harder to do normal things and it's okay to expect excess exhaustion from doing them.
Solidarity from a stranger. ✊🏻 The forever exhausted club. 😩
🫂🫂🫂
I also have a hard time telling others about the ways I'm struggling. I have found that writing it down, having that opportunity to think clearly all by myself and get everything just right, really helps me have confidence to share how I'm feeling. And even if your mom isn't sympathetic, at least you'll have said what you wanted and needed to. You'll have stood up for yourself, which is so brave and so loving and so hard to do!! Have courage, and be kind to yourself (and others, but often that's easier) 🥰 I believe in you! 👍😊
soon you'llbe able to leave your parents' prison and flourish on your own. don't forget and don't forgive unless they make amends first
Whatever you do, don't slip into a coffee addiction, it'll do more harm than good!
Take life a day at a time, try to let the water flow off of you and if it doesn't, empty your bag of heavy thoughts out somewhere like here, there'll always be someone to hear you out!
I think, at least for myself, lying (especially early in life) was a dopamine boost! it was an immediate response that worked the way i wanted it to, like if I didn't do my homework, lying both was an excuse and delayed the task, which was a perfect dopamine boost! the conditioning that if I lied, I not only avoided getting in trouble, but I also felt relief? this is literally, like, the recipe for a dopamine-deficient brain to avoid discomfort and get a pleasure sensation, even if it ended up only being temporary and with worse consequences later.
Yup. I had the exact same experience with procrastination: I would put things off, then do them at the last minute and get good grades and compliments on the quality of my work. Years and years of reinforcement of an unsustainable work strategy, and it's no wonder that I have so much trouble breaking that pattern as an adult. We need to train kids HOW to work, not just to use any means necessary to finish a project while they have external forces and structures holding them accountable.
This is so true!! Also, I feel like this isn’t talked about enough:
I exhibit the behaviors mentioned in the video that aren’t “socially acceptable” (being late, messy, interrupting, zoning out, etc) and when people point out these qualities in me, I have two choices: either do nothing and accept that they think I’m just annoying and rude, or tell them I have ADHD. But the problem with THAT is that it would make me look like a pick me girl. Plus, multiple people have given me responses like “everyone has a little bit of that” or “that’s not real. Just try harder”. It’s rough out here 😭
I hate that people say it’s not real just because it’s not physical and you can’t see it directly… I want to understand them because they’ve never experienced it but I wish they would try to understand us more…
I do think everyone struggles with this stuff and that can be what makes it even harder for them to be empathetic even when they want to, because they have also experienced this and also not been given any leeway. Just because something is a symptom of a disease doesn't mean other people don't ever experience it, and just because they aren't disabled doesn't mean they don't face the same roadblocks that disabled people do, just less often.
So to ND people you are saying "yeah I do this thing a lot and it's not good but I can't help it" and to them they hear "yeah I do this thing that everyone does but I think I shouldn't be held to the same standards that everyone else including you were"
So it's not odd to me when people react that way tbh.
Oh my god. This. This 10000%.
I’ve always done this and always obsessed over the fact that I felt like a horrible human being because of it. Thank you so much for this video. This is the first time I’ve ever seen someone else with adhd mention this
I'm so glad my childhood can finally be explained through a video and not an excuse
As a late-diagnosed AuDHDer I find lying extremely uncomfortable (and I’m very bad at it!), but on those occasions when I do lie, it’s either to keep a confidence or to protect myself. It was nice to see the latter explained so clearly in your video. 😊
Telling a person with ADHD they're lazy is like telling a guy with a broken leg that they're being slow on purpose.
4:19 thanks for the real life examples! everytime i take one of those dsm tests, there’s always a handful of questions that seem either too vague or specific.
There's a part of me that wonders if this can stem from Narcissistic abuse in childhood as well. I was always terrified of getting caught just... being a child and being scolded for it, so I learned to lie to protect myself. I learned to tell what I called 'Better Truths', which were SORT of the truth but not entirely. Like, example: my mom tells me to clean the bathroom. I go to scrub the toilet, but before I can get to it I accidentally drop the toilet cleanser and the bottle cracks, spilling it everywhere. I clean it up quickly, knowing I'll get in trouble, and clean the rest of the bathroom. My mom asks why the inside of the toilet isn't clean. I tell her out of my dad's earshot that my dad wants me to help him go shop real quick and that's literally the last thing and I'll do it as soon as I get back. I ask my dad out of earshot of my mom if we can go to Dollar General because my time of the month just started and I need some pads. He takes me, I use my allowance to get pads I don't need (As I still had plenty at home) AND toilet bowl cleaner, making sure to be quick and keep the cleaner out of his sight among other purchases I was making, then clean the toilet the SECOND I get home. I was truthful that the toilet bowl wasn't clean, but I wasn't truthful about WHY because I know the full truth would get me in trouble for a very human accident that could have happened to anyone.
You are so clever, but it's horrible that you had to use that to survive
When I was in school I was constantly told I “wasn’t living up to my potential” and “you’re so smart you should be able to do this” “you just need to apply yourself” “stop being lazy” etc. I started hiding my intelligence, lying to make myself look stupid, answering “idk” to every question, because it was easier to be dumb than to constantly be berated for my struggles. Sometimes the lying is subconscious and I don’t even realize I’m lying until after. It’s been so hard to unmask as an adult
Psychologist here! I really liked this video and it resonates with something I use in my work called the Toxic Shame Shield. When a child grows up experiencing repeated instances of shame, this gets internalised. Often, doing a bad thing starts to = being a bad person. That then becomes so unbearable, that if the child / teen / adult realises they've made a mistake or done something bad in the future, they protect themselves by either: lying about what they did, minimising the impact of what they did (it's not as bad as you're making out), deflecting blame onto others (it was actually their fault I hit them because they started it) or getting upset / aggressive. Unfortunately, this doesn't actually help in the long run, especially when other people can see it happen but don't understand why this person is always lying, deflecting, or minimising in response to every mistake or criticism no matter how small. Those of us with ADHD will often have grown up experiencing a lot of shame, like this video showed - always told off for Bad behaviour, for forgetting things, for doing poorly academically, told we're not good enough, or not trying hard enough, or made always feeling like we're failing to fulfil our potential but not knowing why. So it makes sense that people with ADHD get triggered easily by things which envoke that Shame Shield. It's a defense!
how does someone stop. my partner does this and its ruining our relationship. i feel like im being punished for things i didnt do to them.
I watched this out of curiosity, but this video was spot on for me. From lying in school to the cycle of shame and people pleasing.
I hate that others have felt this way, but it is sort of comforting to know there's a reason behind these feelings that others have solutions to.
I used to be a compulsive liar but it got better because I found people that accept me who I am. When you find your crowd you don't need to lie anymore! It takes a while but you can do it!
This, this and this!
Yes. The "It wasn't about trying to trick people it was about trying to protect myself." It's so true and wow you worded it perfectly.
I want to just say that while it’s good to try to be honest some of the time for those reasons, it’s also not always wrong to lie. It is ok if you don’t feel like being vulnerable with someone, or if you just can’t handle explaining yourself all the time. If you’d rather tell your coworker you have a headache than explain how sensory overload works that’s completely fine. If you know you won’t be taken seriously about your severe sensory issues with certain food textures, you can call it a dietary restriction. You’re not hurting anyone by doing that, and no one is entitled to a comprehensive explanation of what you’re going through at any given moment. If you’re not lying about the need, lying about the reason for the need isn’t inherently bad.
Fr. Me saying "I get headaches and nausea in hot environments" is functionally equivalent to me explaining that I feel faint and dizzy and stressed and start to panic if I can't get out, but it's way faster and less likely to be discounted or ignored.
Someone once asked me about my "phobia of heat" and it felt so dismissive, as if I were acting irrationally and could be "cured" if I just "faced my fear." No, it's not a fear; it's a constellation of physical and mental symptoms that causes me intense pain, distress, and often shame at being "too sensitive" or other bs. And even if it _is_ purely psychosomatic, no doctor has been able to help me mitigate it, so stop telling me I can just will it to go away!
This is a very very valuable comment. Money quote: "no one is entitled to a comprehensive explanation of what you’re going through". It holds for any personal issues which you feel inappropriate to share, not just ADHD related things. For instance, early in a pregnancy when one is still not comfortable sharing the news, it's 100% fine to give a general reason for visiting the doctor for your checkups . If someone won't accept the vague answers and doesn't catch the hint that the prying is unwelcome, then go ahead and say you're going to the dentist.
Often people just ask questions out of habit or because it's considered good manners, and they are a bit taken aback when they get an intensely personal answer.
I don't think either of those are, or have to be, lying.
Sensory overload leads to headaches and burnout if it's persistent, and sensory issues with food can just be "I don't eat water chestnuts"
Many neurotypicals have dietary preferences and they aren't shamed for it nearly the same way ADHD/Autism are.
2:23 That’s too true. I was talking to someone about my favorite thing and they told me that I was talking to much. I felt hurt cause one the person said they had ADHD so I thought maybe they would understand.. so I kinda stopped talking to that person much. I just listen.
When you have undiagnosed ADHD but don’t know it, you don’t KNOW why you do the things you do. You genuinely don’t. So if someone were to ask you, and you were to be truthful, all you could say would be “I don’t know”. Everyone HATES that answer. So you lie. Thank you for making this. I feel heard and understood.
Tbh, an early ADHD diagnosis didn't help me much with that either. I was never *really* told what ADHD was, and I was pretty performant in school as a child, so I kinda just told myself that I didn't really have ADHD, that I just was slightly less concentrated and maybe more energetic than others. The term didn't really mean anything. So despite being diagnosed, I would still have those same thoughts. Still didn't (and don't tbh) understand why I struggle with the things I do, still didn't feel like I was whole.
I’m not sure if I have ADHD but this reminds me so much of myself! I always lie about small unimportant things but at the moment it was like a saving reflex or something… great Video 🤗
I was doing the same, I actually think mine was because it was easier for my brain to come up with a lie instead of trying to remember the actual fact/memory.
@GH0STmonk oh that’s interesting! I get that one. Do you have ADHD?
Wow… that’s so accurate! I’m just beginning to unmask and it’s hard
I didn't have the same issues but even explaining reasons for doing things you're successful with results in people judging. After a while, I became aggressively honest and resentful. That's how I stayed safe, rbf 24/7. I don't have trouble being honest, I have trouble being pleasant.
I just got diagnosed at 22 years old, and now I can add this to the long list of "It was ADHD all along" I've accumulated looking back at my childhood
God this video really hurts because this is my entire life, afraid of displeasing people, feeling like a burden because everyone seemed more normal than me, then when I DID tried to be honest, guess what got me? People leaving me. People saying I'm lazy, not good enough or just dumb.
Then when I got diagnosed for autism, I was hurt thinking I am normal but just need work to get better. Then, I just realized I will never 'be normal'. But, it helps me know that it isn't just a 'me problem'
Thank you so much for this video.
"Masking" and "internalized ableism" are very relevant terms to this! Also possibly relevant might be cPTSD, though I'm very unsure there and people should be careful about diagnosing stuff like that on themselves (though self-diagnosis _can_ be valid, too! Just be careful and if you can, ask professionals)
"Internalized ableism" 🤯 Omg that's that darn voice in my head that's always "should"-ing all over me! No one else has trouble with X, so neither should I. I've done X before, so I should be able to do it now. Why am I so incompetent??
You're not helping, Phyllis; you're just making things worse! (Phyllis is my internal critic. No shade to any real Phyllises.)
@@emilyrln omg, phyllis is kind of cute tho, ngl haha. But on a more serious note: YES! exactly that.
Basically, Phyllis in this case is just a switch in for everyone else that has taught you those things over time, that you are now taking for granted, without them actually being true. Having an actual personification is actually really good for visualizing this!
I was told that lying was awful and wrong. But I learned that inconveniencing someone with the truth is a worse crime
Relatable. Tho, I’ve always had weather related headaches since i was little, and trying to do math homework with a pounding head and blurry vision, was difficult. Sadly, i was still forced to do my homework regardless. So that greatly sucked a lot. Especially during the winter when headaches are more painful and often.
I’m sorry you experienced that 😔
We're told from an early age that our struggles are a moral failure. Something bad and broken within us, that will make us "undesirable" if we don't "fix" it. And so we start the neverending escalator of "self-improvement". But it's never enough.
I was diagnosed twice (once at 3 and again a couple years ago to verify) and often I find a lose-lose situation. If I lie, I usually feel terrible about it, and often times the lie breaks up very quickly, or if I tell the truth, I'm quite stoic about the answer (mostly because the truth tends to be that way regardless) and they get mad at me. Most times, I just really don't want to care anymore and just fade away into the anonymous. ;-;
I don't have ADHD, but its something I've noticed about the ADHD people around me. Being on the receiving end doesn't feel good, it feels like I'm not trusted or like I'm being called dumb. I can legit see through it. I'm understanding, still hurts.
some adhders are good liars and some are very BAD liars. it feels like an insult to your intelligence when the latter does it. and im audhd so i spot it a mile away and that's something that lets me know having a friendship with that person will be near impossible
luckily, I will say one of my friends who also has ADHD even though she struggles the hardest out of some of all the people I know I never ever feel that mad at her when she does stuff (im rarely ever mad at her actually) cause she's always very honest about it . she never makes excuses or anything and she's just honest and takes accountability and owns up to stuff and I trust her with my life no matter what mistakes she's made cause I know she's honest 💯 I think there's something really special about someone who can do the right thing even when it feels like it hurts.
This gives me flashbacks to what I learned about ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria. The threat of the perception of rejection can feel so intense that a person with ADHD will do all kinds of things to avoid it. Not justification, but a potential explanation
I feel like I've just been called out. Not doing homework as it's not interesting enough/boring; or forgetting to do it because you have no idea about time & think you can watch TV, eat a meal & write homework in 1 1/2 hours are all totally valid reason for anyone with ADHD, but 'normal' people can't understand it. Edit: it's been about 23 years since I left education, but looks like I haven't got over it.
Every statement in this vid hits like a sledgehammer
People tell you to be yourself, but when yourself is ADHD it quickly becomes "but not like that."
So I'm either always pretending to be someone or something I am not to fit in, or I can be authentic and quickly be judged, criticized, or excluded.
It just feels like there's no winning.
When people accuse us of lying when we tell the truth, is it any wonder that we get really good at making up lies people are more likely to believe than the truth?
This is so good. So easy to follow, cute animations, so informative. Amazing work!
Awwww thank you so much it means a lot 🥹!!
OMG 😳 this is so accurate in my case. My mother had a way of reacting very aggressively if the answer wasn't the one she wanted to hear. Lying to protect myself became the norm. It took a lot of time and work to become authentically honest. I'm almost 52 and it can still be a struggle at times.
This is likely a PTSD response too in your case
Worse if you're an introvert I think. When the social battery is drained and you have to manage time, conversations, and being around people in general, it feels to me like the gears in my brain aren't just grinding, it feels like they're made of sandstone and are wearing themselves to oblivion with every second. It can build so much that I end up stressed out and tense my muscles unnecessarily. In a painful, "omg one more second and I'll either explode in a mushroom cloud or curl up and collapse in a corner" kind of way ...
I'll see a doctor eventually...🙃
Debated whether to comment or not since it seems personal, but wth
I relate. I want to make time for friends and family but I also need time to rewind and sometimes it feels like my week is way overscheduled because of that.
Honesty is not worth it. Not a single bit. Being honest for the first half of my life, I struggled. But, when I lied when I was asked a repeated question, no immediate consequences were initiated. Its significantly better to "oh, yes, I've finished my work" than to tell the truth and end up with new bruises and scars during the "talk". I feel so protected with lies.
This legitimately made me cry. I just clicked because I used to follor back when i had Instagram (left years ago) and didn't know you had YT. But there's something powerful in someone else explaining exactly what you've been unable to put in words for years. Some family issues make this worse, as the truth can legitimately be dangerous to spill, but it has trained me to keep things to myself to a degree that actively makes my life hard, as I struggle a ton to open up to people. Thank you for this video.
"so I started saying things that weren't true, but easier for people to accept"
This hit me in the soul. No teacher or parent wants to hear "once I get home, my willpower is already spent"
I need to get diagnosed. I've finally allowed myself to say "yeah, it's probably not something I can willpower my way out of." Unfortunately I do not have access to the healthcare necessary for that diagnosis and treatment.
In that case, I'd recommend learning more about it, and taking some of the online diagnostic tests. (I had trouble accessing healthcare, too, and was operating with a self-diagnosis for a few years before it was corraborated by a professional. I found even the self-diagnosis extremely helpful in a)understanding my behaviors, and b) healing from a lifetime of being sooo hard on myself about them (because I bought the line from teachers and parents that I should "just try harder," and that I was an underachiever. Now I say: "Underachiever, my ass! Look at all the things I DID achieve--while struggling with not only the symptoms of ADHD, but all the harsh judgements, from myself and others about them." It really took me from feeling like a failure for not having accomplished more with my good education, to being proud of what I WAS able to accomplish. Best of luck to you!
One of the habits that screwed me over as a young adult was lying through omission by pretending to understand things I did not. In my personal life, it involved pretending to get pop culture references that went over my head, and at work, it meant I pretended to understand technical explanations even when I did not understand them.
When I moved out for the first time, I was so overwhelmed I basically stopped eating. I remember crawling on the floor in the middle of the night to get frozen corn because it was the only thing I could manage to eat. Meanwhile I was screaming at myself for being lazy-why couldn’t I just make food? I was so hungry I couldn’t even stand up, yet I berated myself for not trying harder. Some days, though, I could meal plan, cook, clean, draw, and read-all in the same day. Those days made me think I’d finally snapped out of it, that I’d finally gotten my life together. But then the next day, I’d yet again be stuck in bed, unable to do much of anything. It’s like making New Year’s resolutions every single day, only to break them every single day-except for that one rare day when everything just clicks. Everything finally made sense after my diagnosis. I actually understand how my brain works now. My life finally feels possible. I’m no longer just surviving on sheer hope that one day i'll be normal.
This definitely was my case in my youth, but it does persist a bit in me today. It’s so much easier to avoid conflict instead of being honest with people sometimes
I’m glad this content exists, I had to figure it out for myself that lying was always going to put me in a worse place than the truth would. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that if I was honest, and others did not like it or wanted to judge me for it, that allowing them to make me feel bad was not going to help me or them. So I allowed myself to not care. I allowed myself to say that’s too bad. I carry on regardless of what they think. I know what I believe a good human should do, and that the path I choose to follow.
I think that this touches on a huge aspect of my adhd, anxiery, depression and (likely, still waiting on a diagnosis) autism.
Its not that lying is "easier" necessarily, its that it becomes necessary. As a kid, you dont have the language to explain whats going on and as an adult no one else really wants to listen to or understand that language.
There are certainly aspects of "i dont want to explain this for the next ten minute so ill lie," but I think, at least for me, the lying is a result of not being able to get anything done with the truth.
I can say that I didnt do my homework because i was unmotivated and it was boring and I couldnt get my brain or eyes to focus, but people automatically assume thats laziness and it wont result in any form of support. Saying I cant do my homework because I'm sick conveys the message that we need to convey: that being that we are in trouble and in need of support.
This video describes the issue very well without infantilizing people with adhd and while also focusing on the type of lies that happen. I imagine this is common for many people with mental illnesses as well. For example, I have some chronic phobias that made a job of mine a challenge, resulting in a lot of unnecessary stress and work that I didn't think reflected my capabilities well. I cant tell my boss about a phobia when requesting to be given a different task. I do not have any reasonable choice in that situation except lie, unless I want to risk losing my job or not being giving enough work (I'd like to clarify that the phobia was around a specific location and didnt have to do with the actual job tasks).
Lying isn't always bad. Id rather always tell the truth but sometimes thsts just not a reasonable option because we need to consider the context we are in. If phobias were better protected and less discriminated against, I could have told the truth when requesting a different location to work at (i also want to specify that it would have been a reasonable accomodation as well, where i would work just as much, just not at that particular spot, which was one of many i would work in).
Adhd brings up similar struggles, where we make excuses because our disorder is not treated with understanding and people with adhd are often dismissed or infantilized, so there is no reason to be honest. It sucks and im glad you're talking about it, since I thought I was fairly alone in struggling with this so much
Sometimes it feels like translating into another language because people who don't have ADHD just aren't capable of wrapping their minds around the struggle. They think they are, but they're usually not. Using the closest physical ailment equivalent ironically gets them closer to the truth (that an unexpected, viscerally unpleasant and directly uncontrollable bodily malfunction impaired your ability to do something when planned) than the actual truth.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 42. Getting diagnosed made me reflect on my life and suddenly my chaos made sense! My struggles are time management, being overly emotional, being disorganized, being easliy distracted and communicating...among other issues....
i might have adhd, im not diagnosed but every symptom i read about is actually a struggle for me irl, i live in chaos, struggle to follow through steps of a basic task, get distracted alot, and yeah i lie ALOT and try to please others, i dont like lying but its just become a habit i cant get rid of, i feel like if my mom knew i felt like this she would scold me but i know she will NOT believe that i have adhd and will just laugh and make fun of me for “believing strangers on the internet” but aw well.
Oh holy shit
I was diagnosed the other month, I'm in my 30s.
This video just made me realise what was happening when I was a kid. I would lie and fake stomach aches to get out of school constantly. I didn't have a stomach ache, I was overwhelmed, as you say, lying about it was easier and actually worked
Thank you so much for this video! I struggle with this too, and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I often feel different from everyone else, so this really means a lot.
Kiara jackson born in Feb is that you, weren't you busted for burglary in Fl
Sometimes it hits me how good a liar I am, and how that’s not a good thing, and how unfortunate it is that circumstance push me to learn those skills so well
this video hits SOOOOOOOOO hard. just this week, i've been feeling super guilty with a situation of time management/work. too hard for me to handle a schedule that pretends to be normal, but actually is super unpredictable. i've had too many situations in life where i really don't want to lie, but i just dont think the truth of my adhd causing issues would be "good enough" (acceptable/understood).
THIS DOWN TO THE LETTER.
I like my current job, but unfortunately, I have made very avoidable fuck-ups due to my ADHD and I have to figure out little ways to excuse myself bc if I said "it's my ADHD" they would be like "hm, it's making you mess up that much? Are you sure you're suited for this job?" YES!! I AM!! I'm otherwise good at it!! But I make stupid errors sometimes bc I'm forgetful! I try not to be, and it frustrates me more than it frustrates you (if you could believe it), but I DO TRY.
My experience was that the issues I brought forward in total honesty were often met with hostility.
We don't lie for us, we lie for you, because you can't possibly know how we perceive and interpret the world so we have to put it in terms that, for lack of a better term, the common person can understand. If the truth makes you unhappy, then lying is the only logical response. I am more than happy to be completely honest with people who accept me but people who shame and negatively criticize will always be speaking to my metaphorical "social scarecrow".
When the truth is "an excuse", people are forced to lie.
I have grown to savagely hate any phrase with the word "Excuse" in terms of explanation. Because it's only an excuse when it doesn't fit someone else narrative. I was late to work. "That's just an excuse." I forgot. "I don't need an excuse." I didn't have the spoons to deal with it. "You have more excuses than a politician!" Hey, did you do that thing I asked you to do? "Oh, well, I couldn't do it because of this and that and the other thing." Oh so giving reasons why YOU couldn't do what YOU were supposed to is an "Explanation", but when *I* explain when *I* can't or couldn't do something, it's just an excuse. Fuck you.
Exactly, excuses are just reasons people dont want to accept.
Incredibly relatable. Worse part for me is ending up isolating yourself, deeply convince that all is your fault and that you'll never fit anyway.
Also sorry if i'm wrong but you sounds to me like a fellow french, i wasn't able to get that out of my mind for the whole video.
I'm American, so I'm a native English speaker, but I learned to speak French when I was younger, and had teachers who were from France, so I heard them speak English a lot. I agree with you, I'm almost certain she's French! (Unfortunately my ability to speak French has degraded because I rarely have the occasion to use it, but I can still read it pretty well.)
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing my whole life… specially when I n eeded to find excuses for been late…😔 Also made me feel really bad because I feel very uncomfortable when I lie😢
I've never seen anyone talk about this before and it explains SO MUCH. For me, a lot of it started in school like I cannot begin to count the number of days I skipped school and claimed I felt sick when in reality I just felt too overwhelmed to go. And hell even if I have no reason to lie about something to the current person i'm talking to, if I lied about it to someone in the past to protect myself, I still stick with it. I guess on the small chance wires will cross and it gets out.
Omfg this video is so spot on in my life. And the boundary thing is tied to my anxiety too....
I'm not officially diagnosed, but did a bunch of research and tests. What I realized is that having adhd is like having a younger sibling.
You're supposed to tell them whats right, whats wrong and if they get in trouble/MAKE trouble, it's your fault.
The older siblings fault, since the younger one is their responsiblity.
The problem with adhd or this sibling is, is that they *never* learn, they'll always keep running around causing trouble with you right on their tail, failing to keep up and fix their messes at the last second.
I hate it, because as much as adhd is a part of my body, which is my responsiblity, (since I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself and yada) i ask
"is it really my fault? Is it my fault, that this sibling of mine can't get their sht together? That I can't get my sht together to make them understand the rights and wrong in a way they'll actually learn?"
I wanna keep writing but I just can't. My adhd is trying to tear me away from writing in order to get back to doom scrolling (aka feel happier) or whatever the shtbiscuit I was doing before this.
On one hand yeah, I think I'll stop now, yet for some reason that task seems impossible right now.
Gosh my motivation is down the drain. I wanted to bake cookies today, but then my dad yelled at me cuz I keep acting like I know what he's going to say and keep on interrupting him (my dude you *keep on* making dramatic pauses, that my impatient ass can't handle) and then it was all kinda gone. Now its almost 9pm and I'm like:
"Oh I should bake cookies today!"
_"But we can't!"_
"Why can't we?"
_"Because it's too late! And we'll be yelled at again, because we're making the cookies so late, even though we could've started earlier!"_
"But I wanna bake cookies!"
_"You can't though!"_
"But I want to!"
_"No, you're not allowed to."_
"Why?"
And the cycle goes on and on and I can't get the thoughts of wanting to bake cookies and why I can't out of my head, so I keep on getting shamed, like
I should've started earlier, why couldn't I start earlier. I don't have a valid reason as to why I couldn't start earlier. So you were able to start earlier. But I didn't. But you should've. But I didn't. You should've. I didn't. You should've. I didn't. You should've.
I didn't, its in the past now, I can't fix it.
Why can't you?
Why? I can't.
Doesn't make it better, you should've and aren't you supposed to be doing something else right now?
Yes, I am.
So why aren't you doing it?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
But you're supposed to be doing something different right now.
Yeah.
So do it.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Learn to prioritise and start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, I'm writing this currently though.
Start doing the thing you're supposed to do.
...
You know, maybe after a couple minutes I'll get to it. So stop shaming and bothering me.
Ok.
Oh look! A butterfly :D
(proceds to forget the whole ordeal, until it comes to bite back in the ass either 30min later or when it's too late and the same excuse as the cookie -baking one comes up.
Cycle repeats until your confidence is nonexistent and dematerialised (not there yet, but sure enough, if that sht doesn't change.
Telling me to get my sht together and God believes in me is as inefficient as telling someone with a fear of spiders to stop fearing spiders))
Welcome and goodbye to my tedtalk. I fcking needed this and you may or may not know how much. Anyway please no words of encouragement, cuz if anything they're only going to make me feel worse, since no way in hell am I turning my life around for an internet comment, when I can't if my life depended on it
(I'd call it a bluff at first, then become increasingly really paranoid and lastly accept it, all like "fck the world, I'm dying standing rather than living on my knees" even though the assignment would've been smth stupid like "write a 1 page essay as to why rain falls from the sky and explain earth's water circulation (or whatever the english call it)
Yeah, do I have adhd? Been wondering for a bit. You know one side having all the evidence (this text included) and the other just saying "nahhh, we're just lazy af"
Yeaah, maybe I should start doing the thing now.
Maybe
But damn now I don't wanna stop writing. But holy sht this comment is LONG. Like we started with that siblings argument, that feels like forever ago!!
I know I should stop and my brain is already spamming what else other than the thing I'm supposed to do right now,
but there HAS TO BE smth I can add to this! Right??
OOOk. Like a deep breath ok. Stop. Goodbye. Should I now remove that tedtalk goodbye and just welcome considering im saying bye now? No, shut up. Ok bye.
Idk can someone relate to my thought process here?? Really in need of validation, that I might have adhd (or add, adhd without hyperactivity aka the "h")
Hope it helps :')
Edit: added paragragh spaces for easier reading :) also holy sht this is the longest I've ever written, but still have enough self-esteem to not take it down.
I hear you. I seriously do. I don't have any solutions for you just right now, on the spur of the moment... Just be aware that my extremely ADHD ass just read (almost) your whole rant, because I relate to it so much.
And you know what? Despite all your struggles, you're an okay person anyway! You obviously care very much, and you keep trying. People who don't understand, well, they just don't understand. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.
@weebunny thank you so much. Since I'm undiagnosed, I wonder alot whether or not I actually have adhd, so your comment means alot to me :)
Thank you
It's all so embarrassing, but this makes me feel less alone. I'm so tired of hearing I need to try harder, or am just lazy or don't care. I care too much.
You make me feel so accepted, it's been hard for me to live with ADHD. and seeing that there's such a big community that can explain how we are makes me feel so comfortable and happy.
I'm pretty sure I have adhd and I really struggle with doing things regularly, I really notice this again now that I have medication that I have to take every day that’s really important but I still forget at least once or twice every two weeks. I lied a lot as a child about having brushed my teeth or not because of that struggle with regularity, because I was ashamed to forget such obvious things and it oftentimes felt like too much to get up again to do after realising. I actually still struggle with that.
😔 i really appreciate you talking about this. i'm lucky to have found a few friends i usually don't feel i have to lie to. i do often lie in order to avoid being scolded or told i have no respect for anything. people often react like this even when they know i have AuDHD and i try to explain as clearly as i can. i was late hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend, she got mad at me and i apologized and teared up and tried to explain my struggle for the thousandth time. she said "next time just let me know when you're running late" but honestly, that's not an easy thing to do for me most of the time, and i usually can't tell how late i will arrive. i recently heard her talking to her friend about how it's obnoxious that i'm always late. it sucks to be so fucking misunderstood even when you try to explain. it honestly makes me want to never make plans with anyone again.
I'm pretty sure even kids without ADHD can relate to this. Lying to protect yourself is very common, especially amongst queer kids.
Justagirl61284
Saaame. Lying is as easy as breathing at this point. Sometimes I say the half truth so that I get in less trouble or lie for unnecessary details so that the truth makes more sense
huh.
*add this to the "i probably have adhd" file*
Sometimes i just. lie about something that isn't that big of a deal if I tell the truth because I got so used to give easy lies. Luckily I'm starting to realize when I'm considering lying to justify something that doesn't need me lying to be accepted, which makes me force myself to actually be honest with it.
People never believed me when I told the truth. Now i struggle so much with lies that sometimes I give up
This video spoke to me in so many different ways! Thank you for sharing your experience 🥰 also the animation is adorable! Subbed instantly (that's a lie; I was so engaged in the content that I immediately went to the comments and started responding to people! But I'm subbing now before checking out the rest of your channel.)
I was taught very early on that lying gets me in a lot more trouble than just telling the truth, but quite honestly that means my definition of “lying” is so warped, since I never want to feel the bite of failure of someone feeling disappointment, I will never agree to do something I even think I could have trouble doing, so I end up actually being lazy and sitting around and not doing much, paralyzed of failure. I was diagnosed early, at around 8 or so, and my dad has it too alongside my sister, and even still I have trouble fitting in with everyone else and even still feel feelings of isolation around other people diagnosed with adhd, it feels like some obnoxious cop out to have all the cards stacked in my favor and still fail it all
Rarely do I watch a video where I agree with everything being said, and feel extremely uncomfortable because of it. Thank you for this.
Wow, I should probably talk to a professional.
I have BPD and ADHD, and I'm not sure I've ever seen lying described in such a relatable way. (I've definitely worked on it, and made a ton of progress).
I'm most likely AuDHD. It's kind of funny, being Stressed at 10 years old (1:20) was actually the more acceptable explanation in my case.
Toward the end of 5th grade there was this guy I was trying to become friends with but I didn't understand how to do it. I noticed he "punched" the arms of other guys who he was friends with as a greeting/to say hello. During lunch one day I tried to joke the way I'd seen him and his friends do it and added in a punch to his arm. He immediately yelled at me and got an adult from the school to take me to the principal's office, a situation I'd never been in before. It was too hard to explain to the principal that I was confused and thought it was part of the friendly behavior I was trying to analyze enough to be a part of.
I ended up crying in her office. I couldn't figure out how to talk about it so I just used an adult catch-all word and said I was "Stressed". She assumed it was because the End of Level Testing was famously more difficult that year and made up a story about my behavior that I just kept agreeing/nodding to. She took pity on me based on her own story, gave me a squishy stress ball some sponsor had given the school that year, and told me not to do it again.
It was so much easier to nod and agree than try to explain.
This is the first video I've seen from this channel, but I already have to say thank you for all of the work you've been doing
Thank you so much for your kind words it means a lot to me 🥹💕! I’m so glad I can help a bit 🙏
You know if this video had come out like 2 years ago I might have been able to save my first marriage LOL could not understand why my wife could not stop lying or why she agreed to things one minute and then change her mind weeks later once plans have already been set into motion instead of just telling you the first time that she was stressed about it. Eventually it led to her lying becoming so bad that we ended up homeless because she lied to me and said she had paid the moving company and turns out that she needed $300 that I could have gotten her but instead she lied and told me the company was coming late up until we were supposed to be already moved out of our apartment. I had to call the company myself several times to get the full story and I felt awful having to slueth around to prove my wife was lying. If I didnt solve it though, I wouldve been fucked and left dead in the water. She actively stopped me from protecting myself from homelessness by lying. I didnt want a kid around all of that and feeling that unsurity I always felt.
For years I had dealt with her lying and I knew that she lied and I tried to work around it because I understood that it came from her trauma but it got to a point where she would not change her lying or even try to consider ways to help me with cleaning around the house despite the fact that we both have ADHD. I would come up with a million accommodations but she never tried any of them ever and always just said it was too hard and threw up her hands and made me do everything despite me also having ADHD on top of autism and several other physical disabilities that she did not have.
Honestly I thought the lying came from her BPD because I also struggled with lying in the past and I have BPD, maybe if I had known it was the ADHD I could have helped her a little bit more before it ended up at the point where I could not stand it anymore and I had to leave because I was so uncomfortable around her and her constant lying made me feel unsafe in my own home.
So like as long as you're not doing that...
Whoa. I hope you're in a good place now.
It sounds like you did everything you could. It’s probably better this way.
When I saw this in my recommendeds, I clicked on it not because I think I might have ADHD, but because I already know (I was diagnosed fairly early on in elementary school) and I also know I’ve been having issues with being honest with my parents about important things, so seeing a video title implying that the two could be related piqued my interest. I’ve also texted the link to my parents.
Man, I lie a lot.. I hate it. I wish I could just stop hiding behind lies and open up but I can't...I try but I can't.
It seems like you are afraid of punishment, judgement or rejection. Perhaps try to obtain a more rational view over your particular situations.
@trwn87 I seems?? Thanks for telling me what already is obvious..
Sorry I think I sound mean but am not being..
I don't understand your advice rational view over particular situations??
Please elaborate if you can.
Try not to accuse yourself of lying, or being a 'liar' because adhd can make lying a current state, not a personality trait.. much like what this video is trying to teach the truth can be something people with adhd can become clever at using.. if I don't use the truth with someone it's because I don't trust them, or their ability to understand me and the situation we're in. I think of it as knowing when to use the truth, or when to shape it to help me with the uncomfortable social situation I'm in. I'm not talking about deceiving anyone I love with long-term dishonesty, but those almost meaningless social interactions with people that can come and go where using the truth will just alienate me or force me to go into a deep dive on how I'm internalising. I'd rather tell someone I don't know well that I'm 'getting fresh air' over telling them I'm outside in the cold because inside there are too many noises for me to cope with.. doesn't make me a liar, it just means that person has no rights to my 'truth' unless I want them to have it.. So, don't hate yourself, the more you accept yourself as you are the easier it becomes to invite others to accept you and you'll need to use lying less 🤞
@@trwn87I've always admired how 'rational' those without adhd can be.. must be nice. People with adhd, add inattentive type especially, can experience an overwhelming sense of irrational inner dialogue meaning they can experience judgement and rejection differently.. at least they perceive it differently.
This can motivate them to lie so people won't judge them by a social standard that has never felt accessible or easy.
Telling them to 'just be rational' seems like nice advice but it might identify you as someone that may want to hide their truth from as you don't get why they're lying in the first place
@@daveyboots79 I agree that some people shouldn’t know the full truth, especially strangers. Opening up is great in front of people you are familiar with but not so great with others. Being able to distinguish that from blatantly lying is important.
Thanks for your content. I recently got diagnosed and everything started to make sense.
Content like yours helped me (re)discover or at least understand, a lot of things of myself.
lmao this is normal for me i've always justified it by saying "they wouldn't understand if i told them the truth"
And they really don't 😢
This is SO relatable and I did not realize that is why I wouldn't just say the truth, and then always feel bad. THANK YOU for explaining this and validating my feelings!!
I'd argue Society gaslights us from a YOUNG age to obey OTHERS' reality, not trust our knowledge of the truth, eg "no the work wasn't too hard [for you], you were just lazy!" "You could do better if you tried harder" etc.
I wasn't even aware certain things were lies, I was just searching for the right answe I was expected to parrot to signal my remorse and obedience, as I knew the cycle: I did bad somehow I didn't understand, now it's time to get berated and telling the truth might be "making excuses " or "talking back" - there was an expected answe that was acceptable, either because it put the blame on me and not the authority figure, or because it was the simple and expected answer and didn't challenge them to think uncomfortable self reflections, or because it was what society had labelled the "correct" one (eg didn't do work and nothing seems to be stopping you = lazy/forgetful).
We learn that what we perceive as truth is wrong and that what others taking charge say is true is the real truth.
If you're raised in a religion which extolls faith without needing evidence as a virtue, that just reinforces the idea that you should adjust your belief to what's expected as "obedience", rather than doubling down on your lived experience of events as your reality.
It's a problem with being taught that if you're not neurotypical you need to just accept how OTHERS say things should be as the way things are and that you don't have to understand why, so long as you mask and obey, so you're not a problem people have to deal with.
It's one reason why so many people who are ADHD/autistic are victims of abuse, including gaslighting - it's taught to us, and we see the pressure to confirm even our own reality, not just our behaviours, as just part of the obligations of people working together in society.
Because we're taught that we don't even deserve our own boundaries and we assume everyone is operating in good faith the way we are, and not trying to take advantage.
The moments when experience teaches us that people CAN be abusive andthat we've been systemically oppressed can be a real eye opener, and then we go from knowing less than those around us about how we have been manipulated and abused to start identifying the abuse and manipulation EVERYWHERE, including at a larger scale, within companies, cults, religious organisations, and authoritarian-leaning governments!
This.
How did this 5 minute video just explain my whole life? 😢
Is "I'm/It's fine" a lie?
Depends on the context. If you're having a health issue and a medical worker is asking, it's a lie. If the person asking just prevented a major injury to you, you might be shaken up but they're really just asking if you're physically okay. That particular question is usually just a social lubricant instead of an actual inquiry