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This is... beautiful. YOU, are beautiful... thank you so much for sharing this segment of your soul. (I haven't written a poem for so long... but your work here touched me, and I feel like I NEED to thank you in the only way I know how. In a way my sad and broken heart hasn't been able to for quite some time. So please excuse my childish rhyming and somewhat juvenile prose. I'm not that great at it... and I am SURELY rusty... But you lit a fire in me with this... so I address this response to you... as a Thank you, and to let you know you are NOT alone...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To the ghost which haunts these halls... Whos wailing and wandering soul, I hear echoing the words I've wept myself, so many times before... "I love you."... ...Those words ...Those syllables often not meant for us... Three words kept greedily and guarded... ...Words locked behind doors with keys swallowed by angry mouths, ...By Maws of hungry moths that hate and pray for the night to swallow us, And to banish us from the day. ...As prey, To be eaten within this house we stay. And through the Chewing at the fabric of our hearts... Those guards leaving their hungry, hateful stain... tearing us apart... I give these forbidden words, "I LOVE... you"... to you. ...For although, I don't know you, I love you. I. LOVE. YOU... ...I love you because I see you. I see myself in you... The silent parts of me that are always quiet and never scream... ...And I love you because you were loud when I couldn't be... ...It's so rare for Trans voices to wail and wax... ...As we so often have to wain and whisper. We're forever relegated to the corners and closets of a vibrant world we long to be part of. Never are we bold and boastful... We're always shut down and crammed into blind spots. Threadbare, and suckled by moths... ...Out of sight and out of mind, ...As those beautiful souls we wish to embrace, pretend to be blind... And we lose ourselves. Piece by piece we disappear... To deaf family, unrequited loves, and painful, lonely, sobbing nights. Threadbare silhouettes... Phantasms and shadows... Where fabric used to be. We're ghosts. Poltergeists... We haunt a world we want to love. Specters, silent and seething... sad and reeling... Exorcised and never embraced, for what we are... Well... I REFUSE to be exorcized from this place. And it seems... so do you... So thank you... I love you. I love you for being brave, And loud. ...For being visible and out. For being honest, For raising your pained whispers to a shout. Thank you for making this house a home... Thank you for being the vengeful, beautiful, brave spirit which haunts this house. Thank you... I love you... These forbidden words belong to you.

Difficult to listen to. So much pain. This is truly a fallen world in which justice is not delivered to everyone.

Thanks for making this video. I have H cups and have been waiting a year and a half for my surgery. Since my chest is too big to bind I’ve just been hiding for a long time. The wait period is the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my life and I can’t relate to anyone because they all have less than DDD cups and get their surgery right away. So it was nice to hear from someone who feels some of my pain <3

Beautiful

Wow. I am just...I really don't have the words for how truly beautiful and heartbreaking this is. You are just genuinely an amazing soul, who feels so deeply. Your poetic words really reflect that. Oh my gosh I just want to hug you.

Thank you! I really enjoyed this! You seem so sweet ❤️

It is a beautiful heart-twisting poem (not in a bad way though) Your words and the way you spoke them... so beautiful and so sad. I am still crying. {{sending virtual hug}}

It's beautiful Tristan. Much love to you.

Beautifully written and heartbreaking. Well done dude for saying these words. I am weeping

Can totally relate with explaining pansexual to people! Great video! :)

firstly loving the blonde secondly i would love to do a part two with you and talk about like the fluididty of sexuality and labels and stuff like that. you you up for it ping me xx

Preach

Looking and sounding good, Tris! Congrats on your 2 years on Testosterone! 😘

You mean your only long standing obsession that's never gone away apart from me 😉😂

I’m writing this here because screw it and anyone else reading this that needs some sort of motivation can get it too. I am so proud of you for uploading this. You are actually putting a lot of pressure on yourself; you compare yourself to other people and give yourself unfair, unobtainable standards. You give yourself so much crap for how you feel but can’t see how you are. Stop diminishing your own worth according to your own ridiculous standards. You want to be this version of perfect that doesn’t exist. You should see that despite all the crap that has happened to you, you have done so much already. You have a lot to live for and nothing to be ashamed of. Being afraid of what’s going to happen or the unknown is reasonable-you can’t help how you feel, but it isn’t a reason to assume it’s going to be terrible. The likely hood is you will struggle with your mental health - that’s not a reason to be ashamed. It doesn’t mean you will never get any help or relief. It doesn’t mean things will ALWAYS be bad or that you aren’t going to be capable of anything you want to achieve. Your current situation does not indicate the situation you will be in even one years time. Everybody has periods of their life where nothing seems to be moving. Most people don’t have a clue what they are doing and even when you plan everything it isn’t likely to go that way. Personally, you are a pretty amazing person- you have a lot of good qualities. It’s not like you need to work on being a better person. All your qualities and the things you are good at literally make you a person that people want to be around, they make you employable and capable. You are far more capable than you realise and you will get to this independence you want if you can break everything down into manageable chunks. ‘you are a very good person to whom very bad things have happened to’ You have to work on parts of all of this a step at a time. Most people don’t get somewhere over night. As well as all the negative stuff you said about yourself there was so much you said that was positive. If you need me I’M RIGHT HERE and I love you so much. Do not take this video down. Call me, bitch. ;)

Now ive watched this with the volume on as opposed to last night when I used the captions option so I didn't disturb anyone. Have you spoke to your gp about getting a referral to mind or a place of a similar nature? What you have actually done here is a bit of cbt a bit of self therapy, the mind is like a washing machine that must be emptied , sorted and put away, whilst we retain the "washing" in the machine it is all jumbled up so to be fair you have done the right thing by getting the camera out and talking about what is in your head. As for working yes your right we all have to work, work however doesn't have to be boring, draining or scary, work can be liberating and teach you new skills to take you forward to do more things in future, it can offer a confidence and give us feelings of self worth knowing that one is contributing in someway. I can guarantee that nobody wants to work if they didnt have to, but the only way to move forward in life is to go and grab at it, sitting and stagnating will.not help you or your mental wellbeing. You are right when.u say that this should be an exciting time.of your life because you are creating a path..however not everybodys path starts straight out of school, out of college or out of uni, some folks.dont find their.purpose until they are in their.30's some have tp go through a huge trauma to find out what they be doin. You do you. I think u need to.speak.to someone other than a gic pal..a gp.can refer you to a cpn or mind. Dont worry about other folks from school everybody is different.. I could go through my own.path with you but im probably boring as f**k know.this..at 19 I was homeless and 128 miles from family and so on and so forth, life isnt handed to us we must grab at it we must seek out where we need to be and go. You can do it...whatever that may be

Im listening

thats good that your T levels are fixed dude :)! I also have a question, do u think that its fine for me to be on the Gel everyday while also taking my liquid antibiotics everyday to get rid of an infection I have? becauase on the back on my antibiotics it says do not drink alcohol. & im pretty sure the Gel is made out of alcohol. so I was scared it the gel absorbed into my body while I was on my antibiotics , I would have a problem? I have not been able to start T becuase of this. thats why im trying to find answers. but I do have an appointment with my doctor in a few days so I will ask her about it if u are unsure.

Looking forward to your videos. Happy new year.

Hmm. Sound is a bit fuzzy. There are loads of ways for processing audio for podcasts that automatically clean up the signal. Hang on... Ah! Auphonic is what I've used. Just found a YT video that seems to indicate it works well for videos, too: th-cam.com/video/J-vSAahc3LU/w-d-xo.html Looking forward to your future videos. :)

Your sassy facial expressions are life 😂😂

Hugs from Ireland. *hugs* :)

YOU FRICKING AMAZING PERSON. Only just watching this video and I'm sobbing because I'm so proud of you.

will you be attending sparkle?

You are amazing! I'm so proud of everything you have accomplished bub! :)

will be seeing you at pride hairy bear yay

<3 <3

LOVE YOU <3 If there's one thing you have going for you, it's that you are determined af and have got through so much already. I'll always look out for you.

Hadn't realized but I can really tell from your older videos that you've lost a lot of weight, well done! =D

:)

<3

I love moving house mate its fun everything is fresh and new and it's a time to start new memories, we moved alot when I was younger I went to 5 different primary schools and as u know I used to live in the same Street u did, moving country was hard purely because of logistics but other than that it's all an adventure, and we learn and grow with change so dunna worry, whilst you adjust to antidepressants it can take its toll but again you will adjust, all new things to come

Your voice changed a lot, baby, very cute! ;3 <3 Also, I love your facial hair and your head hair! X3

also I'm glad you successfully managed to get the video up

LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER. SO PROUD OF YOU. <3

haha the mutant hairs are very very random, ended up cutting mine off cuz they grew really long compared with other hairs lol

Congrats on *7months* man. You're looking good, really happy for you. :)

trains are the way forward, catch the one to Derby then one to Nottingham takes 2 hours, cheaper than fuel and no accidents to hold you up, good luck with your next appointment

Hey tris,sorry its been so long, glad you're doing so well! xxx

your face has deffo changed shape LOVE YOU :)

so I had a conversation very recently with a friend of both of ours, regarding interaction between cis men and each other, cis women and each other and the way in which trans guys specifically interact or rather how we learn to interact. I work with alot of cis men I watch them when in groups quite alot, the way they stand, sit, their mannerisms, they way they react to each other during conversation and what they talk about, my immediate coworkers (those that sit next to me an around me) are all cis men, some younger some older, some the same age, they each behave so differently, firstly some know about my transition and some don't, I get treated the same as any other cis man, which is good, so the group consists of guys who are very touchy feely, they pat me on the back if they walk behind me, one of em squeezes my shoulders, one of them hugs me if I see him up town (he's not gay but he is very flamboyant he's a good guy who is friends with everyone I'm sure you know the type) some shake my hand when out and some simply say "y'all right Tony?" typically I converse similarly with all of them, one of them loves cars, classic cars, so he often nudges me to look at a picture on his computer screen and we have a brief conversation about that make n model of vehicle, he also likes TV shows from the 80's and 90's, like star trek or red dwarf so again I can converse with him about this easily, however not all the other guys can and often I'm told they find it hard to have a conversation with him. there's a guy who has studied at university about script and playwriting, which is cool I can listen and ask relevant questions, usually however with him we end up having deep conversations about subjects that he has no knowledge about and here is where I will see that thing that I've heard so much about "a man speaks and everyone listens without interruption" I first noticed this in a meeting where there was 4 cis women and me..it's an odd experience when it first happens but it does. there's a guy who I consider a buddy..one of those punch on the arm type chaps who is always up for a laugh and this will most definitely include a sexual reference I enjoy his company we turn into little boys giggling about the most daft things. there's a chap who like me loves the gym so of course we hit it off and often discuss the best practice for certain exercise and nutrition. the only time I feel that I can't converse or join in really is when they all talk about football, granted it's not all of them but I make them aware that it's dull and I don't know what they are on about, but obviously it's said with humour. meeting strangers is far easier for me now, for instance a man knocked on my front door the other day..my instant reaction was "stranger danger" I opened the front door with my most masculine posture, chest out shoulders back head up, he was taken a back by my presence ( I still need to work on this) anyway he asked to borrow a tool to change his tyre as he broke down on the road outside, I lent him a tool, and ten minutes later I thought I should go out to him as he had been a while, I went out to him as he finished he approached me with his hand out we shook hands he thanked me and we parted company, I feel far more comfortable with cis men than I ever have, the need for words is not really that needed, I find men are often more comfortable only saying just enough, they don't tend to elaborate, they say what they want and move on. now then cis women to interact with on the flip side, so I always felt uneasy around them, like I didn't quite fit in or understand them half the time, now however I have such a good relationship with cis women, I don't have to understand them or Try to fit in, I have many good female friends who I now can have a more interactive relationship with, I have the confidence to tell them they look beautiful today or to just laugh at nonsense or sing daft songs with them, throw fake money at them to make them dance, my relationship since starting my transition with women has vastly improved, I'm a cheeky guy but I get away with it..so far no trips to the HR department anyway. observation has helped me, but everyone is different some cis guys are feminine and some are masculine and everything in between. I do enjoy the fact that now I can control the way a conversation goes, and also contribute to any conversation that may be going on. I do think that as we get older we naturally become more confident in ourselves, able to talk to people better no matter the gender, purely because the older we get the more practice we have. a good topic my friend.

I ask my barber every time if he thinks I'm receding yet and so far so good, I think it thins out before completely disappearing, so you got time yet with ya weave lol glad all is going well, I still swear by wiping neat dettol on my face before I brush my teeth then wiping it off after to help prevent spots, but I don't have the spectacle issue that you have so I don't touch my face as much, made me laugh when ya mentioned leg hair as yes the first place to get covered is the top of one's legs and it is strangely surprising, have to agree with the voice thing mine still hasn't settled and I'm 12 months on t I'm gutted about loosing my singing voice but hopefully it will settle and hey look at it this way impersonation of the great Freddie should be easier when you have a deeper voice...that's what I think anyway I have to forget about impersonating the Adele's of the world and focus on male voice impersonation instead lol

don't know if sustanon will work for you sir, I felt that not much had changed in the first three months, once I was on nabido however the changes seemed to steam roller hunger, growth, hairyness and voice seemed to change alot once the loading shot was administered (6 weeks after first shot of nabido) the main thing I remember from sustanon was my face broke out alot, blood tests showed I never peaked on it, like I was starting puberty every 3 weeks and never reached a Cis level of t in my blood..probably why not many changes occurred.. who knows, we all react and use the hormones differently, good vid sir can't wait for more

great video man! look forward to the next one :)

Aww yay! I'm so so so happy for you!

Will definitely keep watching! I'm starting T shortly. I really want to keep up with your progress, dude. Subbed. :)

let the sweating begin sir..and hunger lol happy for ya enjoy those little t-men working hard inside

So pleased for you!

Hi, enjoyed watching your videos I'm in a similar situation myself. I'm really struggling in my relationship and my transition, was wondering if you have a partner if so are they make/female/transgender? Thanks in advance #number1fan