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Find this speech pattern hard to absorb

I experienced some things you mentioned. As a child I was really shy, but had some good friends. Later during my childhood and Teenage years it was like I didn’t make any friends, because I didn’t want them to see my parents in their drunken state and be embarrassed. It wasn’t the First time my parents did act like fools in front of my friends. Finding real joy isn’t easy. I was shy and my parents scolded me to be „so silent“. When I started to get into painting, they were good to me. Later they said: „You didn’t have the education to work as an artist. Stop dreaming to be one.“ I Started with playing guitar in a private music school with 2 other girls. I was so happy there and finally someone praised me for my skills. One year later my dad said during the visit of a relative: „ (Insert name) can play better the guitar than you. Why am I even paying for it?“ I got upset and started crying, because it was like my life came crumbling down. My dad laughed at me: „Oh, here‘s the crybaby.“ Some years later I quit guitar school, because my dad wouldn‘t pay for an „unemployed loser“ (I hadn‘t a Job with 17 years) Until today I won’t play the guitar. The caretaker role was later more like: I taking care, that my dad don’t drive drunk or my mom is appropriate dressed (One time her breasts were falling out of her tank top at a Festival while stumpling drunk around) Sorry for the Long Story.

Very informative

Very helpful thanks

I just learned what’s going on with my boyfriend ……wow

Bravo! 👏 Gratitude and Appreciation 😊

Love the piece about how to grow an attraction with someone who is available. Please let me know if you have more on that topic!

My Mother, Father and their spouses (both married 2x) ALL mis-used alcohol. I was in my early 20s before 3 got sober and one stopped drinking on their own..

Very good video.

Unfortunately ACOA are not marriage material. Just like marrying someone who was raised by narcissist parents. You will be happier being on your own and working on yourself and developing a relationship with your self. Someone close to me, I won't get into detail who it is, (that's irrelevant). He married an ACOA who so call says, she is fixed because of therapy. (Nope, just like a recovering Alcoholic it is a lifetime in recovery. A couple of sessions is not going to magically sober you up forever). Back to the point, because it's my close relative who married the ACOA I accidentally caught them arguing, because I was invited to their house. All I could hear was him telling her, what do you what me to do? I can't read your mind. Her reply was, Well you should have more initiative and know what I expect from you. I left the kitchen pretending I didn't hear the argument, cause they were whispering. They already have been 2 years married. 1 year and a half baby boy, dog and the house. Portray the perfect couple to their friends and family. All I can say, is, I feel for him, cause he can't fix her. So the spouse on the receiving end will go insane in a matter of time, f they don't learn and get informed about ACOA. Why do I say this, my ex wife divorced me because I would show up late on weekends to indulge in alcohol. I am a revoring alcohol, so I understand she had enough, and unfortunately cheated on me to find the attention I was not giving her, and her desperate attempts to change me. You can't change no one but yourself. Luckily it was a wake up call for me and never drank again and got the help I needed and because of that was granted shared custody of my daughter. Years have gone by and it is one day at a time. Never remarried, nor do I think I will unless the time is right, so I dont make another person and make them a victim of my alcoholism (if I relapse) and turn them cobdependent. Co-dependants suffer unimaginablly, and end up with PTSD trying to fix someone that no love in the world can fix. It is only until the addict, or ACOA realizes that only they can change with the proper professional and spiritual help.

I am in 12th std. My peers think that iam mean or egoistic or serious but actually iam so tired there's no energy left for me to interact.

I can only get halfway through this video but I would love to hear it if you would redo it with better sound. It's way too hard to hear and a bit irritating to the ears. I like your content. I just think you need a new mic or something

I can tell your content is probably absolutely terrific. It's just that your sound is so bad and many of your words are dropped. I do wish that you would fix these issues. This is the second video I've watched where it's very hard to understand your content. I think I could learn a lot if I could hear it.

I think you can use either a better mic or a better room because the acoustics is a little echoey. I watch a lot of videos and it's a little hard to hear you clearly.

You have a long way to go lady

Thanks! really helpfull tool

Sofya, thank you for posting this video. I can identify with with what you are taking about. I have been there.

I sent MEANINGLESS texts to certain nasty bullies and they got me arrested despite the fact I was a victim crying out for help! I colliquilly like to call it the textgate scandals parts 1 2 and 3! 2 out of those abused me the other invalidated and ignored me in a depressive suicidal state wen I went to them for HELP!

Ive been working ACoA for about 8 years & I love these videos. They're very succinct for when you need some reminders & for when you want to share the message with others. Thank you!

I am pissed

I like your videos so much but this video has a few audio issues -- volume too low and some breaking up.

Good videos

I was reading Osho yesterday, about the attraction between males, females. Maybe more about man attraction , obssrsion to woman breast. And he was relating that to the relationship with the mother, the breastfeeding which in this society is said that must not be too long, maybe until 3 years , or less, some today not until 1 I think. So the baby wants more the breast but is then somehow forcefully trained with bottle etc...And was saying that in some indegenious tribes , cultures woman walk naked so there is not an obsession with the breast, and there the children can suck of the breast even until 10 years of age. Soo many things are connected, related.

Listening to videos like this, and because of sensetivity to words which link to my emotions quickly and can get deep, and I can be irritable, angry. And people only see that on the surface...the one or two times you get irritated, you get angry. But dont see all the rest, the time where you are patiently listening, how much effort you put in.

Because as adults who should know better they are insufferable.

I feel so worthless.. It’s really hard

You are describing my experience to a tee! Wow!

Thank you for your video. I have suffered depresión since I was 17 years old.. I had an eating disorder at the same time that my depression started. I come from a disfuncional family with mental desease and lots of denial. I am now 61 years and feel feel such a deep sadness, I feel lost and suffer from very low self esteem. It seems that it Will never changes and noone can really help me.

How many rounds to do ?

Thank you, this is very helpful, though it is a lot to absorb. It's very hard to accept it: it's like having to face that fact that there IS a monster in the closet, and no amount of rationalizing it is going to make it go away! This is the exact stuff I need to hear, again and again.

Yes, and Amen to this 💞😊💞😌!!!! Tyfs.

feel like thats just stuff that comes up naturally, like i already think to do these suggestions. but also imagine trying to disengage when ur dealing with someone whos constantly angry if ur not involved in whatever, ur TERRIFIED to disengage bc it might be life or death in the survival part of the mind so, that takes a lot and then the fear and no reward is whew

something is wrong with the audio

Thanks, this is me. I'm grateful to now know this. I'm doing 12 step recovery in alanon. I'm getting in touch with my anger - up to know I blame others for my own internalised anger, but I direct it all at myself. I rage, swear at my partner, say I want to leave. Then when calm I question if I meant it. I'm learning to love and accept myself. I'm not a bad person, I'm a beautiful child of god ❤

People who grew up with abuse shouldn't have to buy therapy. There should just be FREE info. This is a scam. People are 1) abuse then they have to 2) pay someone who claims they will "fix" the problem.

You're an angel for this 🙏 What are healthy ways to release internalized anger? Thnx

Nice.

Thank u

This is really interesting and you present well. I hope you could record again with better sound quality.

I'm ACOA and never trusted any man enough to stay on in a relationship. A year and a half was my longest relationship and I never felt good enough to be with him so I sabotaged it and ended it. I think part of my problem is not feeling secure and not knowing how to be "normal". Only now, late in my life, have I realized how messed up things were and still are. I am alone and single and there's nothing I can do about it.

nope

This was a great video, but the sound is bad.

Hello, I got many answers from watching your video. Im a 35 year old female primary school teacher, youngest of 3 and bornd into a family riddled with alcoholism and mental health issues...although highly functioning. Both my parents were alcoholic . My mother wore the trousers in our house as she was 'Highly functioning' and worked as a 'banker'. Everything in our family from as long as I can remember was 'Hush hush'...and dare I ask or speak or let my needs be known . At times when I voiced my needs or feelings as a child. I was shushed by my much older brother( mom's golden boy) or my sister who would take her physically violent rage out on me , leaving me with injuries and bruises frequently- mom didn't want to hear it. Growing up in my home was scary cold and lonely and anxiety ridden. If I spoke I was silenced..so I became a people pleaser and stuffed down my emotions in order to keep things from exploding. Which they regularly did. I experienced terrible and physical bullying at school because other kids would see the image our family tried to front while they knew the reality ( well to do b***sh**) False false false. It was never dealt with o explained to me which really impacted my self perception. My mother would take an interest in everyone else bar her own kids and husband. She was brought up in a house riddled with alcohol abuse and mental health issues and she and her only brother went on to become alcoholics - my uncle got sober in his early 20's. My mother will never and has never been sober. Their mother died when my mom was 2 and they were separated and sent to aunts and uncles. When my mother wasn't working or drinking she was passive aggressive or just full of volatile anger.. She had no interest spending time with me..I wasn't allowed girly toys. Kitchens.. and DEFINITELY DEFINITELY NOT babies or dolls...etc etc..and so without knowing, this set in stone many many rules in my childlike head. There was a set of rules in my home that I wasn't aware of but it felt as though my brother and sister did. There's 11 years between myself and my brother and 4 between myself and my sister who is also a teacher. Long story short...my life has been an absolute train wreckage to date...by age 14 I couldnt understand why i hated myself so so much..so I focused on my weight which I had always been conscious of...as I would always finish my food to please my mom and dad. My mom retired around this time and my sister went off to college leaving me at home with my mom. Who's drinking really took off then. She had kind of curtailed her drinking to after work or weekends but now every time of day was wine time....up until that she would have bottle hidden around the house behind curtains etc... my mother was the worst influence in my life. Although she thinks differently. I became anorexic& bulimic ( which for me..being the food lover was the best achievement of my life as I had always truly hated my image and body- mother never let me grow my hair long when i was a child and made me wear a fringe and bob that despised as my sister was allowed grow hers) I really was so confused as a child. Everyone seemed so angry with me...or just angry...so with the anorexia, i became terribly depressed also and a few years later after doing my leaving certificate weighing a mere 6.5 stone......I wish I could start my life again...as I feel so utterly flawed and broken..I have addictions, terrible mental health issues and wake up most days wishing I hadn't. Iv only been in recovery from alcohol abuse myself a few years as I used it initially as a confidence booster going out with my friends and 2. as a coping mechanism for the way I was feeling. I always felt so horribly different from any other women or my friends as we grew older..I didn't and have never known what I would like to do or be. I wish I never existed...but thats all iv done..barely existed... just about survived. To be honest, i dont have much hope for my future. I feel I am too flawed and messed up to be able to change. and I'm so tired of fighting a fight I cant ever win. I will never hear my mother say the things I need hr to admit..so I'm resigned to the face that I'm just unfixable. There's so so so much mor I could say and write but its making me feel angry, sad and sick and iv too much to get done today ..It all seems too much to overcome after being like this for so long and now my family use me as the scapegoat...

I relate to your videos more than any ACOA videos I've watched. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

Brilliant explanation of my entire life. Thanks so much.

Great video! Is masturbating a healthy coping mechanism?

Your quote here "often people find a sense of discomfort in being around people who are not struggling". I think this really relates to point number 5 about adult children having a viewpoint of being a victim. I totally agree that this is not a common case, because adult children of alcoholics tend to be really industrious, and at least are superficially resilient people, who I agree, tend to dull their emotions. However, as an adult child of an alcoholic, when you brought up point number 5 - it was a eureka moment for me. Throughout my late teens & early 20s, I had a victim complex that came from a feeling of self-protection, not wanting to be exposed, and I set a boundary for myself in believing that the only person I could ever have a healthy romantic relationship with, was a person who had been through the same experiences as myself - someone who wouldn't be able to expose the shame I was holding on to about my childhood, someone that wouldn't everyday be a reminder of how "fucked up" my life was (victim complex!!!). The idea of being in a relationship with someone who wasn't struggling worried me to no end, and I would exit relationships or sabotage them because I was uncomfortable that the person I was with wasn't struggling. I would excuse my behaviour and justify it to myself by saying "there's someone out there who I will meet who will be on my level and will have had my trauma". Thank you so much for this video it's so helpful - I am an adult child of an alcoholic (in recovery), and I am also an Alcohol and Drug Practitioner and counsellor at the University of Auckland. I am going to be running a peer support/clinician led group for ACAs and I really appreciate your resources. I'd love to discuss more with you if you had any clinical resources to sign post me to :)

Thanks for making this video! It’s really heartbreaking when you have had the veil over your eyes for 34 years and you finally realize a lot of your adult relationships resulted from what you experienced in childhood. It all makes sense…

Thank you Dr. Vass!!!! Thanks to AA I discovered ACOA and Al-anon. These programs have given me healing and hope through recovery. So glad I found your channel!