Been having a challenging time at home with my 9 year old and I really appreciate a different perspective on handling these situations. I didn’t grow up in a very emotionally intelligent household, and emotional regulation wasn’t something that was demonstrated to me growing up. This was super helpful and a great start to building a stronger foundation of trust and understanding with my kids. Thank you.
That was me as a young little baby and child. And of course it's spilled over that Primal Rage all the way into my adult ears hidden deep deep deep inside the core of my soul rearing its ugly head when my mother did certain things are said certain things and treated me terribly. I had to learn how to regulate my emotions. And it took me all the way to college and into obtaining a master's degree in counseling psychology. This is what saved me and helped me learn how to raise my only child my son who is fantastic today. Emotional regulation should be taught in kindergarten and throughout all the formative years into middle school and high school. It should be a mandatory class four children there should be a psychologist who teaches this course or therapist.
Really great video. As someone who was not shown emotional regulation as a child, I can attest to long term difficulties in life. Thankfully as an adult I have the capacity to re-examine what I was taught growing up and learn a new ways forward. It’s hard work, but worth it.
That was 6 months ago Emily. I hope things are looking different now. As life goes, probably not so much. Keep up your curiosity and your thirst for finding solutions. It's not easy, but it looks like you're moving in the right direction.
Thanks so much for this video. I'm a nanny, and am currently perusing my bachelors in social work, as well as becoming an art therapist. This kind of straightforward empathetic problem solving is something I can apply in both my schooling and my work :) definitely subscribing!
Thank you for this content. This is what I wished for from my parents as a child. But I will try to do this with children I meet in my life and hopefully that will make a small impact in their lives so they know they are worthy of love.
Thank you very much. I wish I could get my elderly parents to watch this, but they wouldn't understand. They've never validated my feelings. I know that's because their feelings were never validated. So we all internalise and it gets us nowhere. Things could be so much better but time is running out for them. Keep up the great work!
Glad you found it helpful. Not sure whether this would work in your situation, but if/when I invite parents to reflect upon this kind of material, I've found it best to instruct them *not* to think about how it relates to their own parenting (which often pulls for self-criticism or a dismissing/defensive response to avoid guilt/shame), but what it was like for them growing up (inviting self-compassion and genuine insight). I've found that if the seed of insight can be planted first in their own developmental experience, people have a better chance of taking that next step toward understanding how their own emotional capacity may have influenced their own children. But, for some people this is too great a risk, and so they remain closed off and unable to get it.
I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, you do a good job of articulating and sharing not just one view point but several on the same matter which is awesome you and I think similar but I cant express myself in the same way you can. I'm jealous. That video was satisfying though. Like cutting a fresh sheet of construction paper with super sharp scissors..
Children should also be given a period in their carriculam to enhance their EQ (emotional quotient) to handle stress, emotions, peer pressure, conflicts, thoughts, feelings etc. by an educated faculty who can deal with these topics.🙂🙏
It's not possible to actually engage with anyone in this mode so acknowledging their anger constructively - ie. remove yourself physically from the situation, aim to make them feel safe and validated even whilst they are in the anger phase - not disrespected - and tell them that this is also a valid part of the process and that their feelings matter ie. anger is OK.
I've always had a happy fun boy now he 10 he getting angry over if he thinks some one is being mean on some games like road box he said your always blameing me... When I'm trying to talk to him and I'm never blameing him he gets angry and crying for no reason lost to no what to do as makes me sad seeing him sad
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I cannot offer you any professional guidance, but if you have access to a child psychologist, they might be able to help. You may also find something helpful in a couple of videos I plan on doing in the very near future.
But what do you about a child who cries about every freaking thing...she even cries or whines or makes the most trivial things into a dramatic event. Like I tapped her on the shoulder to say lets go and she screamed you hit me when I did no such thing. Im starting to think her temperament stems from the depression and extreme stress I went through during pregnancy. The simplest things are so stressful. I cant correct her on anything it always turns into a crying session.
How do you apply all these recommendations to a three year toddler? Are they able to understand all what you say? When is the best time to talk about emotions they experience? I try to talk right after the melt down but so far no results 😔 looks like they (have twins) they dont remember anything of what I have said. I feel so hopeless and losing my patience and mind with these tantrums that are becoming so frequent. I feel so tired and such a failure on helping them regulate their emotions 😔😔
Most three year olds have the ability to understand a lot of words (certainly more than most parents think); even in the case of encountering unfamiliar words for the first time, a child can often discern the rough meaning within the context of other familiar words the parent uses, combined with a parent's mannerisms, facial expressions, intonation, etc. So although a child's expressive vocabulary is comparatively limited, their comprehension is sufficient to begin helping them put words to their emotional experience. They don't have to understand *all* of what you say, though you may need to re-word things in several different ways to help your child 'get' what you mean to express. Remember that the kind of 'memory' you are trying to help your child develop, is more emotional (vs. abstract/rational), implicit (vs. explicit), bodily kind of memory ... you don't need them to know and remember 'that' (such-and-such is the case, in some semantically true sense), but to get better at noticing or paying attention to 'how' they are feeling, while working on putting words to their experience, and [most importantly] the child feeling (and intuiting) that it will matter to someone (i.e., the parent). All of this takes time and a lot patience on the part of the parent. In many cases, after working hard on this sort of thing, 'tantrums' will often give way to a child getting better at simply feeling sad, disappointed, hurt, or angry ... they get better at being able to bear or tolerate such feelings, and they instinctively start going to a parent with those feelings, before it turns into an overwhelming experience (e.g., a tantrum). Of course, it is important that parents seek out help/support for their feelings too ... and there is usually good reason for this stuff to be hard, so self-compassion is an important piece as well.
Good question. Research suggests that insecure attachment styles (i.e. anxious/preoccupied or avoidant/dismissive) persist in roughly half of the general population, suggesting that such individuals had less than adequate (let alone 'optimal') opportunities for developing emotion regulation abilities early on; however, it's hard to draw conclusions from these stats. For example, some kids grow up with parents who are not emotionally perceptive or responsive, but have others in their life (e.g. an older sibling, teacher, coach) who they develop an attachment relationship with; in this case, the effective parent-mediated emotion regulation might be underestimated, if its based on attachment research. Conversely, we could imagine a child who has emotionally perceptive or attuned parents, but situational events (e.g. school bullying or abuse by a non-family member) and various assumptions/choices of the child, could push them in the direction of avoidance and emotional isolation from the parent; we'd like to think that an attuned parent would pick up on that and respond in a way that could draw it out, but maybe not; these things are complicated.
I now say let me hug you and you can talk to me but all I get is go away don't talk to me so I'm lost I never shout I walk off and take his phone of him if he on it
the content seems great. but the sound quality is brutal. it comes out Mono on my surround sound. and it keeps popping and crackling. i couldn't get to the end of the video because it was hurting my ears. also... if i learned anything in my psych classes its that you should NEVER start by saying what you Shouldn't do. as - that's the first bit of information that gets encoded.
You are very welcome. And please know that you are not alone: what you describe is a very common problem - it's wonderful that you have the self-awareness to see an unhealthy pattern and are looking for ways to stop its intergenerational transmission. Hopefully you have good emotional supports in your life, are practicing good psychological self-care, and can find a therapist who can help. Best wishes.
This speaker make me / (I elect to feel) uncomfortable. Constant looking to his left makes me feel that something is going on elsewhere in the room he is in. His hands invite me in then his eyes look away so constantly I am thrown off and become uncomfortably bored. His monotone and not making a moment of competition at the end of a sentence makes it difficult to absorb the information. Explicably if he introduces a heavy topic / thought it seems too hard to mentally decode and my mind wanders. At 5:40 he mentions 'none verbal communication" and my feeling is that his eyes says he is over stressed or loss of sleep or more commonly, high on marijuana. His eyes looks away so rapidly and often, I feel he dosen;t care about his audience. His body is turn 3/4 turn to his right which is a nice visual composition, as he is a little off to the left. And then again he keeps looking off the edge of the farme into ?????? It is also very odd that it seems only his face and hands move and the shirt stays static. It starts to look a bit scary. Because of that constant look to the left, his head moves horizontally in the "no indicated direction". Which is a subconscious way of saying "I don't believe what I am saying." These is no reassuring vertical nod. The constant furrowing of his brow and eyebrows makes me ask if he is constipated (emotionally) or having a bad time talking And more uniformly the speaker looks very uncomfortable.
Brad, You"re my new hero. 👼 Dan Siegel, MD has previously explained a lot about triggers, but you explain things so well. My almost 4 yo grandson is having tantrums. You reinforce my beliefs about the reasons. Thank you so much
Been having a challenging time at home with my 9 year old and I really appreciate a different perspective on handling these situations. I didn’t grow up in a very emotionally intelligent household, and emotional regulation wasn’t something that was demonstrated to me growing up. This was super helpful and a great start to building a stronger foundation of trust and understanding with my kids.
Thank you.
My parents dismissed our feelings. It was awful. I was left with all these overwhelming emotions. Whew. Thank God I found books and resources to heal.
That was me as a young little baby and child. And of course it's spilled over that Primal Rage all the way into my adult ears hidden deep deep deep inside the core of my soul rearing its ugly head when my mother did certain things are said certain things and treated me terribly. I had to learn how to regulate my emotions. And it took me all the way to college and into obtaining a master's degree in counseling psychology. This is what saved me and helped me learn how to raise my only child my son who is fantastic today. Emotional regulation should be taught in kindergarten and throughout all the formative years into middle school and high school. It should be a mandatory class four children there should be a psychologist who teaches this course or therapist.
This is so helpful. I have 2 girls w emotional issues. One anxiety/depression and the other ADHD
Very clear! I get sad by everything that brakes I feel bad for small things
Really great video. As someone who was not shown emotional regulation as a child, I can attest to long term difficulties in life. Thankfully as an adult I have the capacity to re-examine what I was taught growing up and learn a new ways forward. It’s hard work, but worth it.
I’m a kid watching this and it helped me a little thank you I’m depressed
That was 6 months ago Emily. I hope things are looking different now. As life goes, probably not so much. Keep up your curiosity and your thirst for finding solutions. It's not easy, but it looks like you're moving in the right direction.
I’m a new mum and this is very constructive and reassuring to move forward with :) thanks
Man, it’s going to take a lot out of me to practice what you preach!
Thanks so much for this video.
I'm a nanny, and am currently perusing my bachelors in social work, as well as becoming an art therapist. This kind of straightforward empathetic problem solving is something I can apply in both my schooling and my work :) definitely subscribing!
I’m hearing this loud and clear. Thank you
Thank you for this content. This is what I wished for from my parents as a child. But I will try to do this with children I meet in my life and hopefully that will make a small impact in their lives so they know they are worthy of love.
Thank you very much. I wish I could get my elderly parents to watch this, but they wouldn't understand. They've never validated my feelings. I know that's because their feelings were never validated. So we all internalise and it gets us nowhere. Things could be so much better but time is running out for them. Keep up the great work!
Glad you found it helpful. Not sure whether this would work in your situation, but if/when I invite parents to reflect upon this kind of material, I've found it best to instruct them *not* to think about how it relates to their own parenting (which often pulls for self-criticism or a dismissing/defensive response to avoid guilt/shame), but what it was like for them growing up (inviting self-compassion and genuine insight). I've found that if the seed of insight can be planted first in their own developmental experience, people have a better chance of taking that next step toward understanding how their own emotional capacity may have influenced their own children. But, for some people this is too great a risk, and so they remain closed off and unable to get it.
@@HalifaxPsychologists really helpful to read this, helps me understand my parents
Thank you SOOOOOOOO MUCH for this information because we tend, as parents, to gloss over the impact that we have on our children!!!!!!
Very helpful video. It helped me understand the role parents and supervising adults have in helping kids identify and regulate their emotions.
Thanks for this video I am a new Children's Life Coach with a focus on children with long term illnesses (sickle cell disease). This is very helpful.
Thank you for all of your help and intelligent guidance! These videos have assisted me greatly in becoming a more conscious parent.
So very happy to hear - thanks!
Great video. Will help with my day to day parenting/life, thank you!
So nicely put.I do lots of attachment work with families and your words totally reinforce my framework...thank you!
I'm so glad I came across this video. Thank you for the valuable information!!
very clear and helpful. I will use this in my instruction for teachers
That's wonderful to hear; glad the information was helpful.
Specific and to the point. Thank you for this video. It's very helpful.
stellar video. It is amazing the progress with my clients with this in my awareness
very helpful and encouraging. Thank you!
+Huseyin Dermis Thanks for your feedback.
I really like all your sessions. I can learn a lot and get plenty of information. You speak really and explain really well. Thank you.
I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, you do a good job of articulating and sharing not just one view point but several on the same matter which is awesome you and I think similar but I cant express myself in the same way you can. I'm jealous. That video was satisfying though. Like cutting a fresh sheet of construction paper with super sharp scissors..
Very helpful, I sincerely appreciate the insight and solid advice.
Thanks for your feedback.
Very good video. Thanks!!!
Excellent explanations and easy to understand
Children should also be given a period in their carriculam to enhance their EQ (emotional quotient) to handle stress, emotions, peer pressure, conflicts, thoughts, feelings etc. by an educated faculty who can deal with these topics.🙂🙏
Very informative, user friendly and explained clearly ...........thank you.
Thank you for the videos, they are helpful and encouraging.
Thank you so much! Excellent share! Really appreciate you.
Great information! I really needed this advice and you explained very well. Thank you!
What do you do if the child becomes violent, i.e. hitting, pushing, biting etc during a tantrum?
It's not possible to actually engage with anyone in this mode so acknowledging their anger constructively - ie. remove yourself physically from the situation, aim to make them feel safe and validated even whilst they are in the anger phase - not disrespected - and tell them that this is also a valid part of the process and that their feelings matter ie. anger is OK.
Great, specific and actionable
Thank you! This is so helpful with my 10 year old.
This video helped a lot! Thank you so much!
**me being 14 and not knowing what other people mean when they say they love something**
Thank you so much
I've always had a happy fun boy now he 10 he getting angry over if he thinks some one is being mean on some games like road box he said your always blameing me... When I'm trying to talk to him and I'm never blameing him he gets angry and crying for no reason lost to no what to do as makes me sad seeing him sad
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I cannot offer you any professional guidance, but if you have access to a child psychologist, they might be able to help. You may also find something helpful in a couple of videos I plan on doing in the very near future.
But what do you about a child who cries about every freaking thing...she even cries or whines or makes the most trivial things into a dramatic event. Like I tapped her on the shoulder to say lets go and she screamed you hit me when I did no such thing. Im starting to think her temperament stems from the depression and extreme stress I went through during pregnancy. The simplest things are so stressful. I cant correct her on anything it always turns into a crying session.
Thanks it was very helpful
Great stuff! Thank you.
I like your advice that's helping me alot
very helpful - thanks!
This was awesome. Thanks
Great, very helpful
How do you apply all these recommendations to a three year toddler? Are they able to understand all what you say? When is the best time to talk about emotions they experience? I try to talk right after the melt down but so far no results 😔 looks like they (have twins) they dont remember anything of what I have said. I feel so hopeless and losing my patience and mind with these tantrums that are becoming so frequent. I feel so tired and such a failure on helping them regulate their emotions 😔😔
Most three year olds have the ability to understand a lot of words (certainly more than most parents think); even in the case of encountering unfamiliar words for the first time, a child can often discern the rough meaning within the context of other familiar words the parent uses, combined with a parent's mannerisms, facial expressions, intonation, etc. So although a child's expressive vocabulary is comparatively limited, their comprehension is sufficient to begin helping them put words to their emotional experience. They don't have to understand *all* of what you say, though you may need to re-word things in several different ways to help your child 'get' what you mean to express. Remember that the kind of 'memory' you are trying to help your child develop, is more emotional (vs. abstract/rational), implicit (vs. explicit), bodily kind of memory ... you don't need them to know and remember 'that' (such-and-such is the case, in some semantically true sense), but to get better at noticing or paying attention to 'how' they are feeling, while working on putting words to their experience, and [most importantly] the child feeling (and intuiting) that it will matter to someone (i.e., the parent). All of this takes time and a lot patience on the part of the parent. In many cases, after working hard on this sort of thing, 'tantrums' will often give way to a child getting better at simply feeling sad, disappointed, hurt, or angry ... they get better at being able to bear or tolerate such feelings, and they instinctively start going to a parent with those feelings, before it turns into an overwhelming experience (e.g., a tantrum). Of course, it is important that parents seek out help/support for their feelings too ... and there is usually good reason for this stuff to be hard, so self-compassion is an important piece as well.
Ty!
Do most parents do these thing? Like, do most parents can help their child regulate their emotions in a good way?
Good question. Research suggests that insecure attachment styles (i.e. anxious/preoccupied or avoidant/dismissive) persist in roughly half of the general population, suggesting that such individuals had less than adequate (let alone 'optimal') opportunities for developing emotion regulation abilities early on; however, it's hard to draw conclusions from these stats. For example, some kids grow up with parents who are not emotionally perceptive or responsive, but have others in their life (e.g. an older sibling, teacher, coach) who they develop an attachment relationship with; in this case, the effective parent-mediated emotion regulation might be underestimated, if its based on attachment research. Conversely, we could imagine a child who has emotionally perceptive or attuned parents, but situational events (e.g. school bullying or abuse by a non-family member) and various assumptions/choices of the child, could push them in the direction of avoidance and emotional isolation from the parent; we'd like to think that an attuned parent would pick up on that and respond in a way that could draw it out, but maybe not; these things are complicated.
awesome video! keep posting! :)
kid tolerate
I now say let me hug you and you can talk to me but all I get is go away don't talk to me so I'm lost I never shout I walk off and take his phone of him if he on it
The way you look at the cam with ur eyes tho just cracks me up
am i the only one who came here from YuB?
the content seems great. but the sound quality is brutal. it comes out Mono on my surround sound. and it keeps popping and crackling. i couldn't get to the end of the video because it was hurting my ears. also... if i learned anything in my psych classes its that you should NEVER start by saying what you Shouldn't do. as - that's the first bit of information that gets encoded.
Thank you
You are very welcome. And please know that you are not alone: what you describe is a very common problem - it's wonderful that you have the self-awareness to see an unhealthy pattern and are looking for ways to stop its intergenerational transmission. Hopefully you have good emotional supports in your life, are practicing good psychological self-care, and can find a therapist who can help. Best wishes.
At 25 she knows these things. I'm an old hag.. I am a supportive mother ..., who are u talking about. Gossip goes...
This speaker make me / (I elect to feel) uncomfortable. Constant looking to his left makes me feel that something is going on elsewhere in the room he is in. His hands invite me in then his eyes look away so constantly I am thrown off and become uncomfortably bored. His monotone and not making a moment of competition at the end of a sentence makes it difficult to absorb the information. Explicably if he introduces a heavy topic / thought it seems too hard to mentally decode and my mind wanders.
At 5:40 he mentions 'none verbal communication" and my feeling is that his eyes says he is over stressed or loss of sleep or more commonly, high on marijuana. His eyes looks away so rapidly and often, I feel he dosen;t care about his audience.
His body is turn 3/4 turn to his right which is a nice visual composition, as he is a little off to the left. And then again he keeps looking off the edge of the farme into ??????
It is also very odd that it seems only his face and hands move and the shirt stays static. It starts to look a bit scary.
Because of that constant look to the left, his head moves horizontally in the "no indicated direction". Which is a subconscious way of saying "I don't believe what I am saying."
These is no reassuring vertical nod.
The constant furrowing of his brow and eyebrows makes me ask if he is constipated (emotionally) or having a bad time talking And more uniformly the speaker looks very uncomfortable.
PrincetonTV That's interesting, I find him very comforting to listen to.
Thoughtful and helpful thank you
Brad, You"re my new hero. 👼 Dan Siegel, MD has previously explained a lot about triggers, but you explain things so well. My almost 4 yo grandson is having tantrums. You reinforce my beliefs about the reasons. Thank you so much
You are too kind. Thank you for the encouragement!