How To Heal From a Friendship Breakup
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.ย. 2024
- How To Heal From a Friendship Breakup #AskATherapist //
Have you and a friend broken up and now you're left wondering how to heal from a friendship breakup? Ending a friendship or losing a best friend can be really hard. Watch this video for my best tips on surviving a friendship breakup or getting over a friend breakup.
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I feel like friendship breakups is more devastating than a romantic breakup
Depends on who one is and what the relationship was. I've found all of them devastating when they broke down. Mainly due to enmeshment and codependency. We learn a lot of humility and hopefully open our hearts and have more discernment each time this happens.
I felt that. I think it’s because most of my friendships have been 8-9 years, but my relationships have been 1-2 years, but I felt that.
We're told since a long time that love is not forever and we're shown so much about love breakups.... but everywhere they always say that friends are forever and they barely show those breakups. when there's friend's breakup in movies they always end up being friends again, or almost always. not like that in real life :(
Y E A H-
*w h e e z e* itsbeentwoyearsanditstillhurts- T_T
Speaking as someone who has literally talked herself down from more than one suicide attempt by reminding herself of her friends, losing a friend is devastating.
I hope you are better now. Keep shining!
Sorry to hear that GlacierGirl. I've been there as well. Stay strong. Losing friends is devastating, but you never know what the future holds. An old friend of mine reached out and we rekindled our friendship after 6 years apart. I know it was 6 times of potential good times we may have spent together that were wasted, but honestly, now we are better friends with one another than we used to be. Who knows, yours might do the same, or there might be better people that are yet to be met, and you want to be there when it happens. I'm currently dealing with losing my closest friend and do sympathize with your pain.
@@sunnyjozani8421 thank you, both of you. I've healed from those losses (mostly) and have come to realize that maybe it was for the best. I just posted to sympathize with others who have a similar mindset about the importance of losing friends. Staying alive for myself hasn't ever really been a thing. I stay alive for my friends and my cat and my family (the ones I still care about anyway). Losing any one of them seems far more devastating when they are one of your reasons to stay alive, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this mindset, so I wanted to let others know they aren't alone in how they think.
Same here, there was that one friend who I texted before a suicide attempt and she instantly tried to contact me in every way possible after that and even ended up calling my mom to tell her to check on me, luckily enough those medications weren't strong enough to do the trick. Now that friend totally cut contact with me after I swapped religion, why do people have to be assholes instead of just respecting each other's difference in beliefs
We should listen to your advice ?
I have repeatedly lost best friends throughout my life, and navigating whether i'm the common denominator or i'm just attracted to souls that aren't healthy for me is really hard
I am in the same boat. I am sorry for the confusion and pain that this has likely caused you. I hope you have a beautiful road ahead.
I went through a romantic breakup and lost 2 friends in all matter of couple of months. I wonder if I am the common denominator, like I don’t know how to play this game. I am finally grieving 😢
Same feelings here. I lost 4 friends this month, it makes me feel like am I the one who’s been a terrible friend? But currently I think it’s because I’ve been growing up into another person who’s now trying to give up unhealthy friendships, they were all affecting me in a negative way somehow during our friendship
@aelfrey3918, @ag757, @theroomnumber5210, & @ellen6609 - much love to ya. Just ‘cuz.
This is a late reply, but all the friendships I lost were with really toxic people who were just using me, and when I finally set boundaries they got worse until the relationship was untenable. So yes, you were getting healthier.
What hurts even more is that they made me realize I'm the problem so I apologized to them without even getting an apology from them.
if you’re the problem then why would they apologize
Chances are if you were the one apologising you probably werent actually the problem
@@bong_waterMany factors, actually. They could be instigating the problem, ignoring it, etc.
No One is obligated to accept your apology. Let alone give you one back just because you apologized
My realization was that my friend had never been a good friend. We were besties from age 11-22 and in-between the good there were multiple instances of betrayal. Having grown up with a culture of being "Christlike" and forgiving 70x7 times I always felt like I had to keep enduring bad behavior. I wish I could go back and tell younger me that I could still be Christlike without subjecting myself to all that crap. Now, I'm so careful to allow my kids space to let go of unkind friends.
A past friendship breakup thaught me that as Christians, we've likely grown up with so many terrible misconceptions about love, forgiveness and reconciliation. I'm still baffled how all of the older Christians who thaught me about our faith always emphasized how important it is to "love your neighbour" - but never even once they told me, that it's just as important to equally "love myself".
One of the most important lessons I've learned these past few years is that I can love and forgive someone and I still don't have to see or speak to them ever again.
Also - I'm in no way obliged to tell someone that I forgive them, especially when they insist that they are not going to take accountability in any way or form for their own actions.
In Christianity we have free access to forgiveness for our own sins, and yet even our God wants us to confess our sins and repent from them. We don't have to try to be greater than God by granting someone a free pass without them even recognizing how they hurt us.
@@LailaDragoness "he ooofed for our sins" sums up the source of this thought. It isn't a misconception, it is what it is.
Totally! You can forgive them, and still let them go!
@@LailaDragoness Thank you for writing "I can love and forgive someone and I still don't have to see or speak to them ever again." This is a concept I still struggle with but I remember the first time I encountered this phrase. It allowed something in me to release. Hopefully it can help others to see this too.
@@LailaDragoness In my church we are taught christ is within all of us, including ourselves. So to treat everyone and ourselves kindly.
I had a very close friend who had been through so much with me. We were friends, our husbands were friends, we would do things together as friends, as couples, as families (with kids) and it was wonderful. When she and her husband decided to get a divorce, she basically divorced me as well. She sent me a short letter telling me that she was divorcing her husband and I never heard from her again. I can logically understand her needing a clean start in her life, but emotionally it still hurts to this day that I was just dropped like that.
I have gone through basically the same experience. We're still friends on Facebook or whatever, but she doesn't really respond when I text her beyond very surface-level niceties. I'm letting the ball be in her court, but I miss her!
I'm am sorry for your loss.
People are weirdos...
Perhaps breaking up with her husband was very painful and to heal she needed space away from everything (including the people she was once close to) to process what is a major event in Antibes’s life: a marriage breakup. Your pain is understandable but try not to take it personally. It’s her way of dealing with it. If you left on good terms, maybe one day she will get in touch with you. Meantime think of her with love and wish her well.
Maybe writing her a letter saying how much you miss her and how you want to be there for her to support her. She may think you are more friendly with her ex and thought it would be best. Reach out and leave it in her court.
This was a perfectly timed episode. I lost two friendships, and I've been looking for a way to grieve and go through the losses. This really helped alot, Thank You.
❤️
same with me... had to cut ties with 3 close friends and even though i'm betrayed by 2 i still miss the times and memories we had and it does hurt. I'm angry and choosing the wise way is hard. i want to scream and yell at them, ask them why i was treated that way but i know it won't make me happy so i'm trying to stay away.
same for me. Two of my friends were lost because they thought I would forget all about them during my semester abroad.
@@natnuss98 Not true friends
I found this very helpful and I have a follow up question: what do you do when 95% of your friend group turns on you. To be brief as possible there was a covert narcissist in this group. It took me a while to recognize it. Turns out other friends saw it too. The narcissist targeted me perhaps because she knew I wasn’t going to be manipulated anymore and saw me as a threat. What followed was every friend who expressed the same issues and concerns as I did completely back peddled when confronted by the narcissist. I ended up being the scapegoat. I was gaslit and a full blown smear campaign ensued. There were times when I reacted badly out of hurt and anger. In an effort to achieve some peace and at least create an atmosphere of civility I apologized for my behavior with no excuses. It made things worse. I don’t think this group wants civility. The smear campaign intensified. The micro aggressions became major aggressions to the point of having a drink thrown in my face when I detached from a few people on social media. I don’t think this group of people, who I was close to for years, wants civility or peace. They seem intent on breaking me. And I don’t know how to deal with this.
the way she passes by me as if we’re strangers now makes me so sad
🙂
Sounds like you dodged a bullet
Most people today are just walking meat suits
You know this hurts on so many levels... so about the last close friend I had (a friendship of 8 years) when things ended between us, the thing I was mostly in awe of was how easy, quickly, and irrevocably such bonds could be broken. Like one day it happened and that was it. This was 4 years ago, and even though I got to meet a bunch of new people; it just never felt the same, like inside of me, I just couldn't emotionally invest in any more human being the way I did with that one. Like a switch has been turned off internally and eternally after that...
"the thing I was mostly in awe of was how easy, quickly, and irrevocably such bonds could be broken."
I just feel this so much right now. One day my friend and I were good and the next day everything fell apart. And weirdly, neither of us wanted to break up, but then it kind of spiraled. At the end, I had to rip him apart (verbally of course), because he started to get abusive (humiliating me in front of mutual friends, lashing out at me for the smallest things, always shifting blame to my end for his lash outs etc). And the kicker: He hates people who act that way. If we'd be friends and a third person would treat me like he did, he'd tell me to get out of that relationship.
It's true. Desensitized. That's what happens with romantic relationships when young people sleep around a lot as well.
@@blauespony1013I hope you feel better now. I have a similar story of how abruptly things ended.
He is in an abusive relationship with a psycho manipulative gf, he and I used to text about her and how horrible she is, we got along really well, he was like a younger brother to me. One day, she took his phone and read his texts, and he blamed me for it and cut ties. Just like that, like I never existed. Broke my heart how cowardly some people can be.
I have not pursued making up because it was on terms of "getting along with her" and I cannot be friends with a manipulative psycho. I feel for him and hope one day we'll see each other again but until then I am too afraid to invest so much in other people anymore.
I relate so much. I never wanted our friendship to end and but I felt my friend drifting away from me, seeing how easy it was for them to just let our friendship fade like it did to the point it ended just hurts. Did I just become boring ? How could it be so easy for them to forget me ? That friendship meant so much to me, and now they changed so much, probably think about me once a year and I’m here mourning them. Goddamn it hurts.
Sorry to hear that
Standing up for myself is what caused the issue.
Sometimes they're not your friend, they just have you around for their benefit.
They were never friends
That's what happened to me too. I set a boundary and boom--I am a fair-weathered friend. Sorry for your loss.
My friend went a step too far. The hurt brought realization. I'd taken too many burns, nasty turns, rudeness and let it all pass. Then a line was crossed and now I am gone. Can't unhear her last rebuke or unsee the hate in her eyes when she let the mask fall. 50 years later and I actually feel relieved. Would rather be alone thank you very much. Quiet times and books are just fine.
Recently lost a close friend. Trust really can be impossible to repair once it's been shattered.
I'm sad I lost them. its true what you say -- you can forgive someone and atill cut them out. I'm just sad that they've made up a villainous version of me that's going to live in their head long after I've moved on.
Exactly
Losing my friends has hurt more than ending romantic relationships
I was my best friend's rock through a cascade of hardships, psychological, emotional, and financial. Last year I found out I was sick, really sick. And when I told my friend, she ghosted me. Logically I knew it wasn't personal, she was dealing with yet another episode of anxiety, perhaps even caused by my illness. But also logically I was tired of being the rock when just this once i needed someone to lean on.
I'm healthy now, and I don't hate my friend, but there is no trust. I'm open to working on it, but my condition is that she has to put in the effort. She has to call, she has to make plans. I can't do all the work to maintain our friendship.
Oh my gosh. I'm sorry you've gone through this. Glad you're healthy now.
What you wrote about being tired of being the rock was exactly what I'm feeling now. She wasn't there when my illness spiralled either and I'd been solid. But when I told her I was hurt she made it about herself. Couldn't do it anymore.
Your post helped me feel like it was okay to let that go. Regardless of what happens later, boundaries are important. Thank you.
Woah, this hits home for me. I'm sorry you went through this as well. It wasn't just my friend that abandoned me, but everyone. I don't know how I got out of that hole, but I did over time. I still have trust issues because of it, and I just have so much anger sometimes when I think back about it.
@@Tubayuno
I went through quite similar thing and I blocked her everywhere
I’m in the same boat. Same conditions. But she’s always been avoidant, so I expect she’ll just allow 9 years to wash away.
I've come to the hard realization that many that I thought were friends were acquaintances at best. Reframing this reality made the 'break up' more of a learning experience. Still painful but moving forward, will not consider anyone who does not put in mutual effort, a friend.
I had a friend breakup recently and it hurt like hell but I knew it was time for both of us to move on :( there was no betrayal, things ended amicably, we still wish each other the best on our way, we just are leading completely different lives now and need to focus on our own stuff. If you're in the same boat, I know it's hard, but you can let go.
I'm in the same boat and it hurts like hell. I keep blaming myself every time
During the pandemic I became insanely close to someone I only knew superficially before that. We definitely became best friends and shared pretty much everything. When life returned to normal I barely heard anything from her and realised she never really cared, she probably was just bored and moved on as soon as she had other things to do or people to hang out with
Sounds like maybe me too
@@ValKobomg sameeee this is literally what happened to me but high-school is ending and im never going to interact with any of these ppl ever again so I'll be good
That’s so sad that people can behave that way!
Thanks so much for these tips. It's hard to move past a friendship breakup, especially if you have a lot of fond memories, but sometimes people grow and evolve, and aren't as close as they used to be.
Big facts 💯
Question to piggy back on this episode: what if the reason for your “friend breakup” is something that you did (or the other person perceived that you did) but they refused to explain to you what they were upset with so there really wasn’t any way for you to take ownership and apologize?
Then that person is 💩
Yes yes yes...
I’ve got a friend who won’t communicate their problems and it’s so so hard
I think you can say to that person that you miss them and ask them to communicate with you. But if they refuse, there is nothing you can do but to move on. I think you deserve a friend that gives you a chance.
Exactly my situation rn
My bestfriend just dropped me today, because i was "dry". But she clearly didnt understand i had a hard time, meanwhile i was her bestfriend. Now im crying my sould out, this kind of worked.
Losing a friend is always hard… especially when it’s sudden - I’ve been blindsided and it feels like a running theme in my relationships: being suddenly dropped by someone I care about for one reason or another
I’ve started writing about it and it’s been helpful
It’s still hard and sometimes I want to reach out and forgive but staying to what’s healthy through writing has been grounding
There's one friendship that really affected my mental health negatively to the point of me getting panic attacks solely bc of their messages. But despite all the pain I felt during that time, I still feel a lot of guilt until this day. Guilt for setting boundaries, for probably also hurting them during the friendship and for not telling them face to face. It's been 3 years and I can't seem to move on from this guilt but hearing about the last part where you said we should think about what this taught us, made me feel a bit better because I definitely learned a lot from this specific friendship. And maybe this guilt will stay but so will all the lessons and I hope I can forgive myself a bit more in the future
I am going through something very fresh and very similar to this. I have a lot of guilt because I keep worrying that I’m the “bad guy” even though my ex friends did some very rancid things to me and mine. The guilt is hard to get through. I promise we’ll be able to get through it at some point. Wishing the best to you💜
I was ghosted by my very best friend. They just left and didn't say anything to me - it was one of the most painful experiences in my life. A couple months later I got this message that I wasn't good for their mental health and they wish no contact. I could tell by the wording that they probably do feel guilty about this - but as someone who got left this way let me tell you: I learned so, so much from this experience about myself. It was incredibly painful but I realized things I have never even thougt of before. It was transformative. I have no hard feelings for them whatsoever. In fact I am very grateful to have had this learning opportunity and I am very happy for them to set hard boundaries. It taught me that it is okay to stand up for yourself - something I have never done before this breakup. Trust me you do not need to feel guilty about it. This is not about fault and who did something wrong. This is about growing as persons, learning and hopefully go into a better future.
This. I left a friend group of 4 years about 2.5 years ago and didn’t explain why because i was having panic attacks at even the slightest messages or calls they sent me. You’re not alone. I still feel guilt for some of it but I knew they would just try to gaslight me as soon as I explained why I was leaving it. They were very immature people who didn’t do much but talk crap about other people. Best you can do is find new friends and learn from it, although I know how hard that can be. You definitely don’t need to feel guilty though, it is what is it, doesn’t make you a bad person. You’ll be okay, sometimes these things take a while to heal from. Best of luck
Lost a long time friend to an unknown situation, and have to say it’s a very hard pill to swallow. I’ll never know whether I’m the one who did something wrong, or did she just felt our relationship wasn’t fulfilling enough anymore and walked away without a word. I tried several times to reach out, and after texting me back on and off saying she’d like to catch up sometime soon, she just ghosted me. So hard to « mourn » the end of a friendship you didn’t know was over before it disappeared. I used to feel betrayed, now I’m to the point where I wish I could just UNDERSTAND so I don’t replicate whatever it is I did with her, with someone else 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
I've been in a similar situation and on asking the reason for drawing back, I got "I'm too busy".
I feel this is becoming more common. People treat you like an old app on their phone instead of a person.
I broke up with a decade+ long friend a couple of years ago, and I had the hardest time finding any information about how to heal from a friendship breakup. I wound up reading the advice that I could find, plus taking bits and pieces advice from articles and videos that focused on romantic relationship breakups, as well as breakups from abusive relationships. It wasn't as great as getting advice directed right at a friendship breakup, but it still helped. I'm happy to see that more people are talking about friendship breakups now. It also helps me confirm that the pieces of advice I took were the right ones to take.
Sometimes my stupid people pleaser brain will give me dreams about making up with my friend. These dreams always upset me because I know we can't ever go back. Even if we managed to make up, I'd be sent right back to where we broke off-being in a constant cycle of being afraid to say something that would upset them, being ignored by them when I did, having to bring up the topic with them, promising to do better, then having maybe a week of peace before something new upset them. (Yes, sometimes it wasn't even something I had done, but I was being punished for it!) I will NEVER, EVER go back to that.
So in the video, when you gave the advice of "sometimes you have to ask what you'll change for your next relationship," that was good for me to hear. I did immediately promise myself that I wouldn't engage in a "friendship" like that again, but knowing that a therapist would back that up feels good.
I know this is an old comment, but thank you for posting it 💕 I don’t feel so alone now.
I can't think of anything in my life that has b*tch-slapped me worse than the nostalgia of friendships past. I have two friends who do me the courtesy of allowing me to grow and change as I get older, and I return the favor towards them. We visit the past and have a laugh or a cry, but we don't live in the past. We stay in the present or talk about future plans. So, those two friendships are about adding-to rather than stagnating-in. The best friendships are elastic as we age.
I am currently in this situation right now. I realised my friends do not actually respect me. They have been making fun of me and my mistakes laughing at me behind my back. While reflecting on the friendships there were many red flags that I was too naive to see. I am currently near the end of university and these were high school friends and I feel like I kept them because I wanted something good to come out of HS because HS was awful. I missed opportunities to actually connect with others in the present because I was too busy living in the past. It took me 3 years to figure this out and I am upset. I now have 0 friends but I basically always had 0 friends. I want friends no doubt but I now realise that I need to be friends with myself before I can be friends with others.
"How to heal a friendship that's currently broken" is actually a pretty good idea. I'd love to watch it. Great video btw, made me realize some things i've been doing wrong in my grieving process
One of my closest friends cut me out of her life without any notice. No explanation. No conflict or “falling out”.
Just ghosted me.
Maybe it was my fault, but I have no way of knowing if she won’t tell me why.
So I get no closure. It’s so hard to move on from a friendship that was important to me when I don’t even know why I lost it. I can’t learn from it because she wouldn’t talk to me.
Jonathan- how do people move on from “ghosting”?
You said we can move on from anything if it had purpose. But how do we move on when we don’t Know the purpose? When we lost someone important and they wouldn’t tell us why?
Hi, I have experienced something similar. Sometimes, it is easier to accept that it is "gone". At the same time, learn to value yourself. You are a gem. It is that person fault for being blind and it is their loss. I tried 30 days of meditation for breakup and letting go. You just need to meditate for 15 minutes and just search for free meditation videos. Next, talk to close friends and family. Thirdly, set exercise goals and learn to cook new dishes. When you achieve small wins everyday, you will felt good about yourself. I hope my post is not too late.
Years ago Inwas also ghosted by someone who I thought of as my best friend, it hurt so bad I never wished it happen to anyone, so I understand your feeling 😢, even years later when I remembered it I still feel a pang in my heart, I hope you heal soon ❤
It hurts to find out people aren’t your friends for real. After many different friendships I’ve learned to detach from the idea of friends forever. I genuinely enjoy the people around me and reciprocate, if my boundaries are repeatedly crossed, or my communication falls on deaf ears I move on. There’s so many other connections to make and sometimes people are in your life for a season.
It’s hard to put this journey into words. I realized after everything settled (once the rose-colored glasses were removed) that the falling out was inevitable. The event that caused it was only a catalyst. I’m someone who needs a lot of communication, possibly over-communicating, and they didn’t talk about anything. So there were grievances that went unaddressed for months that I didn’t know about. I also saw how horridly I was being treated. One of the ex-friends in question is a narcissist and I’ve had to completely cut him out of my life. While I’m open to rebuilding a relationship with his wife, I don’t think it will ever happen. I have another friend who is still in contact with them on a regular basis and we talk about the stuff all the time, as well as with my husband. I was salty and cynical for a long time. I still get that way sometimes, but we always make sure our rant sessions end in laughter and a plan on how to move forward. I’m finally at peace, a peace I haven’t felt in a long time. Watching your videos here and in Cinema Therapy has been therapeutic and cathartic and helped my process a lot of the situation, so thank you.
I have never heard anyone address the friendship breakup before. Thank you from someone who has recently been there.
I recently ended a friendship that lasted over 40 years after multiple acts of betrayal on their part.
It got to the point where his word meant nothing to me anymore and I couldn’t trust anything he said. Not a good basis for a friendship anymore.
I have zero interest in trying to resurrect this friendship. It is now officially in the past and that’s where it will stay.
Its been a year ever since i broke up with my best friend of 5 years- so this video helps a lot. I dont usually post comments on yt- but all I can say is that losing a close best friend can really mess with your mental health and how you view friendships or people in general. It hurts more espically when you didn't see it coming. Like I lost this friend because they liked me and then tried to take things romantically and sexually when I had a partner and stated how I wasn't interested in them multiple times. (From there on things just went downhill- I got bitter towards them, lashed out on them, talked shit, the whole nine yards lol)
Everyday I think of how I could go back and fix it, or how I could've been a better friend to them, but I know I just need to heal and move on. So hearing this and others stories help! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this. To anyone relating to this remember, theres 8 billion of us- there's always a possibility to make friends.
I struggled with depression for years, and my best friend was the most supportive person I could ever have by my side. She would do anything for me. I really felt supported. Until I started getting better and sorting my life out.
She wasn’t happy for any of my good news and tried to put me in my “depressed place” any time I’d share something positive. She’d turn super fake and tried to introduce drama into my life to get me back to my depressed state I assume. Turns out she liked me as a friend because she didn’t feel threatened by me because I was low in life, and she feels alive only when there is misery and drama around her, and I was full of misery.
It took me so long to crawl out of depression, and here I am, feeling devastated over the knowing that I actually never had a friend I thought I had. Hurts more than the romantic breakup. Still devastated after a month.
One of my best friends told me we couldn’t hangout anymore because he needs to focus on himself
I had a friendship that ended. We were friends from 8th grade through high school. There was a lot of giving on my end after we graduated, and after a while there were no more thank you's. Things were just expected from me. Then I found out through a mutual friend that this person was saying some pretty nasty stuff behind my back. I definitely wasn't a confrontational person, especially then. I never talked to my friend or told them I knew what they were saying. I just cut them off. It really bothered me years later when I bumped into them. They acted like nothing had happened. It's a loss that still hurts if I think about it. I wonder now after watching this video if things had been different had I talked to them. At least then there would have been some closure.
I had been feeling like this for 2 years now, there are no more thank you’s like you said, sometimes I feel like she thinks I work for her or something, and I had talk about this a few times al ready with her but it’s like my feelings don’t matter, it’s always somebody else’s fault and somethings keep happening again and again, and I can’t take it no more, like where are my limits? So I don’t know what to do. Hope you heal from that❤❤
Thanks for the video! I think it validates my experience with friendship breakups. One of the hardest things that took a bit of a toll on me is that I had to hang out with them after the breakup. It was hard pretending that everything was fine when I had to see them so much and got the cold shoulder from them while many people around me didn't understand that a friendship breakup could be a thing. It really hurt. It still hurts a few years down the line. I think I'm starting to heel, but I just want to be able to get away from them to finally work everything out.
Social media made it too difficult to move on. Friendships rarely last forever. Because some people are still capable of self reflection and change. Should we be friends at 50 with someone we hung out with at 20? Can the dynamics of a friendship change overtime? If so, then friendships can last. But if dynamics stay the same, it's only natural that you'd eventually move on. If not, you end up staying in the same old patterns, which is sad.
I wished I'd seen this 2 years ago. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever been through and it broke my heart but I'm doing better now. Learning how to look out for my self, set better boundaries and try to not be so angry. Life goes on and people on all sides are only human.
I'm almost 18. I've been best friends with this girl for more than 7 years and have almost everything in common. She has been ghosting me for months now, leaving my texts on read, screening my calls or not picking up at all. I asked her if she was ghosting me, if everything was ok in her life, etc. but she gave me probably the worst excuse in the book - "I'm studying". *Her finals were over in February.* She claims she has some other exam to study for but honestly if she were that busy she wouldn't have time to go out with her other friends and post that on social media. I have always been the initiator of contact after an argument, apologizing and admitting I was wrong. I am just so confused and have maybe ONE other dependable friend. My other friends are highkey terrifying and I stay with them only because once you're with them, you can't cross them. They're super wealthy and powerful, and could ruin my life in many ways that I don't want to get into.
Sorry to hear that, that hurts. I'm currently in a similar situation, but I can't imagine how hurt you must be due to how long you've been friends with the girl. You may need to be a little persistent to find out what's up. Other than that, I'm not sure what else to say. I hope you can get help and get better advice and keep that friend. Good luck 🥰
From a person that has been in this situation,it really hurts,you don't do anything wrong and end up saying sorry for something thats not even your fault,and at the end, they say that they don't even accept the apology,now they pass by while I cry and act like I don't even exist😔
I went through a friend loss a few months ago. Actually a whole group of friends lost the same friend, because this friend refused to apologize to people they had hurt. They didn't think they had done anything wrong. And it super hurt.. so bad. And I thought about reaching out to my therapist early, between our sessions, but I realized I was already going through the grieving process and I didn't feel there was much during the grieving process that my therapist could really help with. I knew I would need her in the post mortem of the friendship anyways, so I did just wait. Not for everyone, but it's what I felt I needed at the time.
I had a close friend group in college that I ended up breaking up with at graduation. I had been warned by family members that the group was incel-esque, racist, they definitely made me feel stupid and like a running joke. I hit a breaking point when someone joked about using pics of his ex as target practice and I was legit freaked out, they blamed me and said I needed to leave him alone because telling him that behavior was wrong was pushing him to do it more. I ultimately didn’t feel safe around these people anymore, and even though they weren’t great friends I felt entirely alone after graduation I felt like I had absolutely no one to talk to and I hated myself for feeling like a loser with no friends. I never caved, it’s been years and I still haven’t talked to any of them, I blocked them all on social media too, I saw one recently and it gave me a panic attack. If anyone is in a similar situation to me I want you to know I feel so much stronger and better now, I’m more confident, I’ve now surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better person, and I got comfortable with being alone while knowing I do have loved ones and a support group. You just can’t look back and you can’t expect them to change you gotta take care of you
I was in a similar situation in high school. The people you surround yourself with end up leaving an imprint on you. Kudos to you for taking charge and cutting them off, painful as that may have been. You are never a loser for taking control of your own life, even if it is lonely at times.
Thanks for that! I feel pretty alone right now because I'm constantly surrounded by my ex friends mon through Friday 8 hours a day and it sucks. I'm going to make new friends and don't have to go back to peers I don't trust just because I'm around them for now.
Hey Mr. Decker. My name is Aaron. I have watched almost every one of Cinema Therapy's videos for the past couple of years. You have greatly helped me become more in touch with my own humanity, and you have helped me through alot. Thank you for that. I just found this channel and video while looking for advice on dealing with loosing a BFF.
The falling out was not my fault. My friend hurt me very bad and then went ghost. I have seen/heard from them once in the past month. They would not speak to me at all. I could not tell if the look on their face was fear or shame, or both. There was another situation in the past where they did not speak to me for a month or so. In this incident, it was not their fault. However, it caused me to have a very bad anxiety attack, because of its resemblance to a situation with another good friend that did not end well. I assured myself that they were different, and that they would not hurt me that way. I was wrong. They will not respond to me trying to contact them.
The pain feels like the slow drip of an IV. I can't speed it up, and I can't stop it. There is no chance if reconciliation. There is no closure for me. I want very much to be able to end this on good terms, and for both sides of this to be heard. But this will probably never happen. I have lost another best friend, and it wasn't my fault. I can't change anything. I haven't heard from them in over a month. Now I'm running damage control, because of the situation they put me in, and how I feel now.
While this video didn't tell me much to make anything better,it helps me know that I've handled this in a mature way. It made me feel like the hurt is valid, and I'm not just being melodramatic. Thank you for your wisdom. Please keep doing good in the world.
Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for your loss. Friendship breakups can be devastating.
i don’t think i wanna be friends with her again but we were such a great dynamic and the breakup was so inevitable 😭 now i spark a nerve everytime i see her
Same here 😢
its so shocking how quick and easy a ‘good’ friendship can fall apart. just now as i finished watching this video, i am still mourning a loss of an amazing friendship i had with a person i thought was one of the best people i met. im just glad that it happened whilst im still young, and that now i know what type of person they are. its better to know quicker than later when the bond is even stronger. the worst thing about it is that more people were dragged into it for no reason, all being my friends too. but it is what it is, now im able to understand relationships a bit more and understand what is right or wrong so that it doesnt happen again.
Thank you so much for addressing this. I lost 2 long-term friendships within 6 months prior to the pandemic. It's been rough. It still is.
I had lots of falling out before, but only two out of the rest were very devastating. The second one hurt the most I think because it was so unexpected, and it happened during one of the lowest points in my life. I felt a lot of rage at first but after getting into an accident I realized it was time to let go. It took longer for me to heal, maybe because I was so invested in our friendship, but It got better. I'm a lot better now, and I've learned to be more appreciative of the people around me.
He has been my friend for 3 years. I've just graduated high school. It feels bittersweet to part ways finally. He's been treating me As if I'm someone to be protected. But at the same time, He's playing the victim and saying I hurt him more.
I had a friendship breakup a few weeks ago and was devastated. Still am. This person hurt me really bad and I kind of felt betrayed. It feels dramatic to say but it’s true. Thanks for sharing, this video had good timing for me. It helps a lot:)
This really spoke to me. Last year I had a pretty devestating break up and friendship break up. It took me quiet a while to understand that you can forgiv someone, yet not allow them access to you again. I´d be really intrested in a video about ghosting and how to deal with that too! My last relationship ended by them ghosting me without a warning. I think it´s pretty scary how common ghosting is. And its´s even more awful when you end a long term relationship like that. So seeing more content on how to recover from that and trust people again would be awsome:)
I want to add that sometimes if you try to make amends and the other person isn't responding directly, it's not because they want space! This goes especially for women. They want you to put in the effort, not simply do something for show and that's that. You may need to keep at it even if it's not readily accepted.
Talking from experience.
Breaking up with my best friend of many, many years was a shock for me. I think it has shaped me more than some of my romantic breakups, for sure. I still feel thoroughly betrayed to this day, and it's been about 5 years now. She basically told me that she thinks I am not smart or self-aware enough to deserve the good life I have, and that she cannot stand it anymore. A good life, in her eyes, meant having good relationships with interesting, smart people, and enjoying a fairly blissful existence as a university student. I was heartbroken because I was very naive and trusted her completely. Well, at least now I am not that naive anymore. I am more cautious with people in general, and I have learned to be more aware of my thoughts and behavior. But this one still hurts, and I never got an apology or even an acknowledgment of the good times we had. It makes me a bit sad every time I think about it, even though I've probably forgotten some of the more minute details of the whole reasoning over the years.
Anyway, thanks for all the videos. They are interesting and informative, and I am glad that channels like yours exist.
recent article in the atlantic .. 'it's your friends that break your heart' .. and the role of envy & resentment in the downfall ...
Hi John, I in the last few days told a friend of 7 years that I wanted to seperate for a bit so then I could I better understand the hurt I was experiencing from our relationship. For context: we’ve always been kind of attached at the hip, all through high school we would spend multiple days sleeping over and having so many late night drives. If one of us were in any emotional distress the other was always there, but in my senior year unfortunately my household was no longer totally safe for me to stay in because of family issues. So her family offered me to stay with her; there I thought it would be the best summer I’d ever had, and with everything going so terribly with my family, I thought it would be the right thing for me. But, once I moved in, she became very irritable, avoidant, mean, would say very insensitive/snarky comments about me or any choices I would make, and overall made me feel like an insignificant speck in her life. In this time I was more fragile than I ever been, and hopeless. I did what I could to keep up the happy energy for everyone, but it only lead to me draining myself. I began resenting her, and I tried many times to talk to her to maybe reconcile what was happening between us. To me it felt as though she wasn’t really my friend anymore, because to me friends would never make each other feel the way she made me feel.
So, i moved out. I now go to college in New York, and my life is getting better and more positive. I made some amazing friends and I told them about what happened between me and my past friend. After sharing with them I realized I had been holding onto hurt feelings, and I had moved out 6 months ago. Initially I asked her if we could talk in person when I came home…but then I realized I couldn’t do that. So, I left her a text message because doing so felt like the only viable option that would allow me to be honest with her without having the pressure of being faced to face (where I could easily lie about how I was feeling). By this point I had time to really sit and think about what really happened and it only made me more angry. I told I wanted to take a break as friends, but she saw it as a break-up. She responded with attacking my character, telling me that I’ve hurt her family and her as well (she didn’t go into detail, and I’m still unaware of what I’ve done), and that she would have done anything to retain the friendship we had.
At the time, I was surrounded by my boyfriend and sister, and they did not like her response. I was so shocked, and then I realized why she might’ve felt betrayed by my message. I responded, and I told her I was sorry that it came out the way it did and that it was not my intention to be hurtful but it is how I feel. I continued to tell her that her response made me feel as though there was obviously no room for her to see how I felt that to her I was 100% the bad guy in the story. So, I told her if this is how we’re going to end things then fine, and shared my devastation behind her words and her immaturity.
Her family did a lot for me, and I shared how grateful I was…but she didn’t care. Which is her right.
But I can’t help but think that I was totally in the wrong for even starting the whole situation in the first place.
Am I the bad guy?
Thank you John:)
Thank you for this. A year and a half ago my childhood best friend broke up with me. It was heart breaking and I still grieve the loss.
Can confirm. EVERYTHING HE SAID IS TRUE. Good to know I did (mostly) everything correctly, key word, grieve. I definitely bottled things up repeatedly for too long.
Had 2 “friends” for 9+ years & after living with them for a year it was, “Ah. Now I understand why people get married & then divorce in a year.”
Yep, weirdly enough, I’m very grateful for the experience.
Too many lessons, the most important: how to find a true friend.
After moving out, I moved in with my BFF. Poor thing had to put me back together again.
Me, places a holiday picture I painted in a shared area.
Her, “I love it.”
Me, starts bawling for no apparent reason, but isn’t.
Currently, I’m taking martial arts & regaining my confidence I didn’t know I lost.
You too can carry on, just grieve, keep moving forward, learn, & love yo’self!!
I lost 2 of my closest friends. The first friend was my best friend for years. I didn't see any of her red flags until it was too late.After our break up, I thought I'd be safe with my other friends. They were supportive and loving until one of my closest friends betrayed me. I blamed myself for everything but after awhile, I realized it wasn't about me. It was about them and their insecurities. I still struggle with these breakups but I cherish our memories together.
I've always felt forgiveness was a matter of slowly letting go of hate, rage, and blame. But not anything to do with letting this person back in your life necessarily. Great video, thank you!
My worst friendship break up was my best friend of 15 years ending it... because I wasn't the friend she wanted me to be despite my best efforts. I realized my best wasn't enough and it was a double whammy. I haven't made a single friend since, I don't even know how.
I have a hard time with friendships. I don't actually have any, because every time I try to make friends, i either get misinterpreted or upset people (I am autistic with multiple other diagnoses so I already struggle with social interaction) but any time i do happen to get close enough to actually get personal, we've hung out a bunch and they've opened up to me, it ALWAYS happens:: i try to open up about myself, and I'm either immediately shut down and asked not to talk about that, or most often, they listen to my story, wait till i go home and then next time I reach out to try to hang out or check in and see how they are, they tell me they don't want to hangout with me because they're uncomfortable with me and I'm too depressing for them to be around.
I will admit that my story is definitely hard to listen to but when they've opened up to me and encouraged me to open up to them, I thought it was okay.
I've actually had people tell me that they didn't want to be around me because they heard from my former friend about my traumas and they aren't comfortable associating with me. I'm turning 30 this year and I've only had one friend not cut me off after telling my story. He is happily married with a family and I rarely get to talk to him now, I haven't seen him in 5 years but he's still my only friend.
Even my husband tells me not to talk about my life or traumas and is very emotionally uninvested and uninterested in me so I just keep it to myself and realize that I'm better off alone so i don't bother anyone
I was friends with this guy for 11 years, I was in such a bad mental space and was basically begging for help and support and he walked away with the rest of my friend group, this was a month after I got out of hospital for an attempt, I'm hurt but most of all I miss him, I miss our hugs, he was like an older brother to me, I miss our calls, I miss everything about him but I can't bring myself to ever think we will be friends again but in the back of my mind I wish I never lost him cus losing a big brother really really sucks
This is really validating! I am currently going through a friendship break up. While I don't know if it's permanently over, I do know I did what I could to fix it when fresh and just have to accept sometimes people push you away from their own pain and can't/won't fix it. We share a large community of friends, so it's hard because I have only openly talked about it with a few people because I don't want people to pick sides or dislike this person on my behalf (even though I was the one hurt and abandoned). It's been rough, but I am glad I tried to fix it when it first happened and that I backed off when they refused to define what their need for space looked like. I do still need to work on the learning from this because while I know this person helped me grow a lot over the last couple of years, it's still hard grieving the loss, especially since we see each other weekly. I really appreciate this video!
I hope you’re doing better now. I’m going through one right now, but the thing is, we dated for 6 months. We were close friends before that though. I’m looking for many ways to cope & thankfully I have a therapist, my dad & my other friend during this time.
Needed this right now. I’m going through it and it’s so painful.
I saw her as a guide. A mentor and a close friend. But my personality was the killer. I didn’t realize I was upsetting her. And when she had enough, it all hit me. And it’s all my fault. I tried to apologize, but, trust can’t be repaired
What I’ve learned is I need to be more self aware about my words. I need to identify social ques
I had a really close friendship for nearly a decade that recently just dissolved. I wanted to apologise and tried to apologise, but I was never given that chance nor was I given closure as to why the friendship broke off. I spent months just grieving and tried to get in contact with them so that I could at least apologise and take ownership for whatever it was I did. Nope, no chance. After months of nothing, they finally sent me an indirect message saying I should essentially stop-and I did to respect their wishes. It's just...I wish they had told me at the start. Maybe it should've been obvious, but I honestly wasn't told what I did wrong nor was there any falling out-it was just...it just happened.
She had told me to fuck off on a really bad day, too. I had lost my second grandma to cancer on that same day. I didn't want to deal with two indefinite losses that day and it was really bad timing, too. I dissociated so bad from all the emotional pain that I collapsed in the city on my way home with no one helping me (or at least robbing me, which was good). I couldn't talk for hours after recovering from the collapse and I was just broken for a long while, still am.
I wish I didn't have BPD, which is probably the main factor of why the friendship broke. If only I was a better person, if only I wasn't so shit, maybe I wouldn't lose friendships that are important to me.
I lose friendships too. Sometimes I care usually not so much
Jesus can heal you 🙏
May God heal you. I'm going through this right now and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the friendship is permanently broken but if it is I'll keep blaming myself forever.
@@justinjohn5114 please, don't blame yourself! My best friend suddenly broke our friendship as well and it's been difficult, but I'm better now. These things happen. If you can get in contact with them and you're able to apologize, then great! But if they don't want to, then it might be because they're not that hurt by you or they don't care as much for the relationship. You do your part, but you can't control the reactions of others. Acceptance is the first step towards healing. Accept they're behavior and the fact that you might not be able to do anything about it if they don't want to. I hope this helps somehow because I know how much something like this sucks. I'm still going through it and sometimes I feel guilty as well, but people make mistakes and all that matters is that we learn from them.
He “dumped” me first. He didn’t speak to me for a year. Then he showed up again and I was thrilled to have him back. After a couple months of him using my shoulder to cry on while he dealt with a breakup, he stopped speaking to me again. I recognized the weird pattern of “punishment” and I decided it was time for me to set a strong boundary. It made him rageful, which only cemented my belief that I made the right decision.
I miss what we had. When we weren’t a toxic mess, we were great. He brought a lot of joy into my life and I thought I did the same for him. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. The way he was talking that last day, I was just the worst… but that made no sense. It was either true or he was saying it to hurt me, and either way it was over.
One thing I can say that was very helpful for me that might help others, to jump off of what you said about mourning the loss… during the year when he wasn’t speaking to me, I believed it was over forever and I didn’t know WHY. He was just GONE. And it hurt terribly. But I had also lost my mother the year before and losing her didn’t hurt as bad as losing him did… because I had mourned the loss of her and wasn’t trying to fix it or make sense of it. So I decided to think of him as dead, in the sense that he was just as “gone” as she was, and I found a guided grief meditation and sat by myself for a couple hours and it basically took me through a virtual funeral for him. It walked me through the process of grieving him, and when it was over, I felt so much lighter. Not only from the endorphins from that good cry, but because I had thanked him for everything he had given me and all the ways my life was better because I had known him, and I let him go.
It might take a few tries, but it’s really helpful!
Can you send a link to the guided grief meditation?
I believe my ex-best friend was a narcissist (emphasis on the "ex"). He was toxic. For the 10 years I knew him (I'm 30) he always wanted to have the last word. He was always right, never wrong, and everything he did was justified. Interacting with him was like walking on eggshells. He couldn't realize how hurtful the things he said were sometimes. He had zero self-reflection...unless it was in a mirror (I'm not kidding).
He wanted to be the center of attention all the time. Yeah, he was fun to be around, but he was also a drama queen. He manipulated everyone around him to get what he wanted. The manipulation got so bad at times that I ended up saying "Yes" to things that I actually wanted to say "No", and hated myself for it. So did everyone else. He made sure to have a "cult" of friends around him.
He had anger management issues and didn't know how to deal with his jealousy. He was extremely "charming" and had many relationships that lasted no more than a month because he couldn't commit to any of them and every time it was the girl's fault (cause god forbid any woman to be rational in a relationship). Also, he was constantly dissatisfied with any of the many jobs he ever did.
Truly, the only thing that makes him "benign" is that he seemed to take care the people around him at times. Can't really tell if he was love-bombing them, to be honest. In my eyes he still fits the bill for all of the above. A benign narcissist with low levels of empathy. I ended up ghosting him. I'm so glad it is over...now I start to feel healthy again. It's like waking up from a nightmare.
That sounds awful, also very relatable. Glad you're moving on now
I had a narcissist relationship it was ruff. It helps to know that everything he said was a lie just like our friendship was a total lie. I seem to be drawn to narcissist even when I see it coming it's like I like to prove myself right. They always blow up😮
Thank you for this video. I had a friendship that I was hurt greatly by and ended because it was unhealthy but 8 years later I still feel like I'm going through all of these stages I've and over again and it's humiliating.
this helped a lot....my take is ....what I've learned from the friendship breakup. I have apologized and I wish them well. My hope is that we are all ok moving forward and if we see each other in a happenstance we can still say hello and be civil.
Funny enough, I have some crazy (probably pathetic) friend drama right now. I'm not sure if me and my friend are breaking up yet, but... this video is very perfectly timed. I hope, after watching this, I can feel even more prepared than I already am for what I'm going to face on Monday (when I'm going to read my friend's text).
Had a crush on my friend, told her how I felt, she gave me the answer of "I'm not ready for a relationship right now". Now you can say, "Hey man, that's a no" but I'm gullible, maybe a little ignorant, but I was too proud of myself to even think that was a no.
Then, 4 days later, she mentioned a new guy and I heard about it indirectly. Ouch. Envy is the deadliest sin. I asked for clarity later in the day and I found that she didn't feel the same. I was upset and told her how I felt, how she should have given me a clear answer. In that situation, you need to give a yes or no. If you aren't sure on how you feel, give an unclear answer, but you should clear the air after that. But no, I had to find out the hard way, which made me really hurt and angry.
Then, I complained to my friends about her. I didn't say names, I only did to close friends, but on the 12th, I found out a lot of things.
I texted my friend, said I felt like my ex-crush had a problem with me. He asked if he wanted me to ask her, I said I didn't care, and so he did. I got the warning message from my friend and got a text from my crush. She had a problem with me.
In the process of her telling me why she was mad at me, distancing from me and not talking to me (she is/was my good friend so that's why it matters), I found out she told *our* friend about what I had said after I found out she found another guy. Now, I don't like that.
1.) I didn't want that friend to know about my feelings toward my ex-crush
2.) That made my friend a middleman which is unfair to her, and to me since she chose my ex-crushes side
3.) When I was complaining about my ex-crush anonymously, that friend heard indirectly and told my ex-crush about it. (Which is why she stopped talking to me and the drama started)
Yeah. Drama. I asked if my ex-crush wanted to know what I had to say, she said yes, and I told her. She replied, and now I'm just waiting until Monday so I can have one of my friends read it first. Not hyped.
Probably didn't have to rant here, but I decided to anyways. Really crappy situation, and the way I and my better friends see it, I didn't do much wrong. Other than the complaining about her, but I was upset and that's how I was dealing with it, trying to get support from friends. Whatever, lol.
Watching this video felt like I was sitting down for a therapy session. In short: it gave me hope for healing. Thank you for this. 🙏
God is close to the broken-hearted 🤍 Hope you find your healing and peace soon
@@janetholmes Thank you. 🙏
I lost half of my group of friends in one night because of something not within my control. One of my friends was also my roommate and she had four dogs, one of which being an anxious great dane and one of the others a very old small dog. I would let them out to use the bathroom everyday when i got home from work. This time, i had a migraine so i didnt wear my glasses and didnt see that the great dane had bitten the old dog as the old dog had hidden. That was normal behavior for the older dog so i thought everything was normal until about twenty-thirty minutes later when she whimpered and i saw what had happened. I got my roommate the moment i saw and tried to help and once the older dog was at the er, she proceeded to blame me and told me its my fault if the dog dies. That dog always acted like that around me. I felt horrible but her doing that and slandering me led to three of my seven friends abandoning me, me getting kicked out, and me living with my best friend of seven years who is the only one who actually listened to me on what happened. Its been a month and ive been destroyed. Multiple people told me i was negligent but i couldnt see. I am extremely near sighted, and my migraines make it worse, so i never wear glasses during them. They accused me of not letting the dogs out at all even though i did. I heard nothing abnormal until the whimpering. If i had seen it lr noticed any strange behavior i would have checked immediately. I hate myself for not seeing it the moment it happened, but i dont understand why even after they knew the state i was in while letting out the dogs, they still told me, “its your fault if she dies. You were negligent.” For not…. Being able to see… the other three friends actually listened but im still cut off from them because my former roommate pulled “its me or her” because we only see the friend group on dnd night. I dont have dnd night anymore. I dont get to see my friends anymore. I have to deal with the immense guilt that i didnt see the dog was hurt the moment it happened. And i lost three friends that i thought knew me well enough to know that i would not be negligent. Im sorry for ranting in the comment section but my mental state is completely shot. Ive had to call the mental health hotline multiple times because i just spiral.
Been losing friends every six months (roughly) which has been devastating to my mental health, I really feel like it was especially bad because I have severe abandonment issues. I've taken to keeping people at a distance for *months* before I let them inch into a friendship with me, and I've adopted a mindset of 'everyone is going to abandon me anyway, so don't get too attached', don't think that's too healthy either. My goal is to get past that, I just don't really know how. I've got other friends who've stuck by me through all of it. They've helped me a lot, their steadiness has provided a foundation of clarity and compassion that pulled me out of a really bad mindset.
Thank you. i lost a friend a few months ago and I'm shocked at how painful it is for me.
My best friend was in love with me. Always have been; that was the reason he approached me and why we kept going. Every two years or so, he would confess to me, I figured out a way to reject him without hurting him, and we kept going as if nothing had happened. That way, we continued for many years. I was the only friend who attended his graduation, I knew his family, he was the only one from school years I still hanged out with. But then, each time he confessed and I rejected started to become more difficult to ignore. He started to become bitter, and I was afraid that if I was too firm to him and left him without any hope, he would stop being friends with me. I have an avoidant type of attachment, and I am perfectly aware that his feelings for me made me feel sure that he would never reject me, so he was the safer friendship I ever had. So I’m aware I made the mistake of never being definitive in my rejection of his affections. At a certain point, I tried to force myself to love him back, because he made me feel like that was the only way to keep him in my life. I couldn’t, he simply isn’t it for me. I then tried to help him move on, to demostrare him with my actions and care that just because I was not in love with him, it didn’t mean I didn’t love him as much as I could. It didn’t worked, he continued to become bitter and bitter. We were like Ted and Robin, and I didn’t want to be his Robin, didn’t want to be that ghost in his life. So one day I exploted and ended everything. Half of the time I regret it, and the other half I think it was the only reasonable thing to do. But I miss him terribly. Sometimes I feel like he was the only true friend that I had.
I'm sorry to hear that :(
What hurt the most for me is that she knew everything about me. She knew all my trauma, all my issues, all of the stuff going on and she still told me that i was the issue, that all the stuff that happened to me was my fault. I acted like it was fine and i have no idea how to bring it up again cuz she acts like nothing happened.
I lost a frisnf of 2-3 years online but we never meet lrl
@@johnnymcgregor101 that's also happened a few times to me, i only have 1 real friend left. it stinks :
I'm so happy I found this. My best friend broke up with me over 6 months ago and I felt like I'm the only one having difficulty with this, because people around me are like "get over it allready".
Everyone takes romantic breakups so seriously, but with friendship breakups they kind of seem to shrug?
No, Im willing to forgive and try again, she is not willing to apologize and put in the work to fix it. And IT HURTS DAMN IT
Yes friendship heartbreaks are the worst, your morals don’t match sometimes. And we certainly keep changing in our lives. At one point we need to accept that few people are meant to be there in only that part of your life. Your priorities change, your mindset’s change. So we need to accept it and move on.
It easier said then done
I kept asking the universe for friends that would show up and be there for me, like i am for them, so i guess it listened.
This has been helpful, thanks, especially about forgiveness vs letting them back in. My situation doesn't fit neatly in the categories. This is the end of a long friendship after a fairly minor incident, but the way it hasn't resolved has led me to move on. After the incident, for the first time in 20+ years, I had the courage to say, I don't accept that behaviour. Her response was almost scorched earth, trying to shame me (me: her behaviour; her: shame on me), not taking responsibility, justification, etc. It's been 7 months and my last attempt to talk about it was met with more of the same... this has destroyed my trust and ability to be emotionally open with her, which was a huge part of our friendship (as long as I didn't call her on her own stuff). The fact that our friendship was reliant on me not saying anything that might upset her... there's no going back, I'm not that person anymore. And it makes me aware of all the subtle walking on eggshells throughout the friendship. It is a big loss though.
I was friends for so long with someone and K just kept fading and fading away and wouldn't make any time to talk for even five min on the phone, never in person, never even text communication then would keep saying "oh I'm still your friend I'm always your friend". I finally sent them an article that said what's happening with us? it seems you are quietly quitting being my friend? and they didn't respond but since then blow me completely off....it's really really painful. there is no real reason....it is a BIG huge deal to me I feel sad......it's new
I lost a friend of 20 years over basically nothing. We had such highs and lows during our early days of friendship but all of that was basically in the past. I feel like they were not able to grow up and change with the flow of life the way that I was able to and it ended up breaking our friendship. I opened up because she had hurt me lately and her response to me opening up my feelings (and I did it very well, no accusations, no assumptions, just how I felt and how we can try to work it out) was to throw away 20 years of friendship at large instead of taking some accountability. I have to say, in hindsight, she was always like that, I was just no longer willing to let it go the way she wanted me to and at the first sign of re-established boundaries, she showed her ass. As long as I didn't place firm boundaries she was fine with me and now that I decided to do it, she dismissed me. Truly sad.
Thanks for this, I've been struggling over having to end a 10+ year friendship with a close friend that I had to walk around eggshells with. I realize where I've been unfair to her as well, but the relationship needed to end. I confuse 'mourning the loss of it' with 'wanting to make up'. But it had grown into something toxic and sometimes friendships need to outgrow each other for us to grow ourselves.
I am in the exact situation, I started becoming afraid and feeling stupid so lied about a few things or did things just to please her. Hope you are going well though @negamichan. Will pray that you will find that peace and healing soon.
@@spadegarden8572 If it helps, I had made the decision to end that friendship probably about a month or two ago. Here in the last few weeks I've been so busy trying to pack and move that I haven't had time to stop and think about her. A welcome distraction from the grieving. I mailed her back some of her items yesterday. I felt some peace that, while I care about her, I have been feeling better and better each day not having to worry about her contacting me with the things that give me anxiety.
I'm sorry your friend makes you feel you have to lie to save their feelings. That's a level of stress I wouldn't wish on anyone. Thank you for your prayers, I'll be praying for you too :)
If the friend is toxic I'm all in and surely are somewhat at fault
If time travel was possible, I'd show this video to my younger self so that I didn't suffer for this long and carry that emotional burden this far...in hindsight i realize I should've just let myself feel sad and cry, i could've moved on in a healthier way. i sincerely thank you for this episode.
I'm glad you brought up the group aspect of friend loss. A girl in a friend group accused me of gaslighting her after I brought up how I was bothered by how I interpreted something she said, I then explained how I wasn't looking for anyone's input in a decision I made (I stated I was skipping group events for an unknown amount of time after getting covid at a gathering that girl hosted because I felt horrible giving my asthmatic boyfriend covid). After leaving the group chat she went on to tell the rest of the group that I'm manipulative and playing the victim card which blew my mind cuz from my perspective I was trying to explain myself so she could understand me better like she had explained her side so I could understand what I misunderstood on her end (she told me I don't have any reason to feel bad giving my boyfriend covid). Only two girls stood up for me in that group and of the two only one of them reached out to me; that one friend (who stood up for me / reached out to me privately) invited everyone in that group to her wedding (including me), about 3 of 5 of the group members invited showed, luckily for me the girl who gossiped about our misunderstanding didn't show but two of the three who did show glared at me; I focused on the bride, groom and socializing with other guests because that was more important to me than giving into the drama that happened almost six months ago.
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It's your fault
Is it odd that I feel like I'm both sides of this? My best friend, essentially my sister, and I broke up recently. It had felt like she's been drifting away from me for months, but then some things came up and some subjects were broached by her towards me, and then we decided to take a break from our friendship for awhile. This was her idea and I agreed to it. But we never stated the length of time beyond the vague. A few weeks, she said. She said this was so she could make progress with her own therapy. Whether that really happened or not I can't say for sure. She's always struggled to make ends meet monetarily.
During this time of no-contact, she sent me two emails, both of which were filled with vicious accusations and comments. We were going no-contact so I didn't reply even though the things she said screamed to be responded to. The first email came the day after we established a no contact period. The second email, sent 5 weeks later, came with the implications that we shouldn't be friends anymore, and multiple people confirmed to me that that is exactly what it sounded like she was saying. When I agreed, because I was sick of the treatment I had been getting from her, and the fact that she said she wasn't emotionally stable enough to have a dialogue about our relationship (but apparently she was still allowed to form arguments and accusations at me), she then backtracked saying "I still want you in my life. I just think we need space for awhile." I decided that no, I was done.
So I sent back that no, I don't want to have space and then come back to this later, with you still continuing to send me nasty emails whenever you want that you _aren't emotionally ready to talk about when I can actually reply to you_. I'm done with being friends. We're not going to do this anymore. Maybe down the road we can be friends again but not now and not for while. I'm too irritated with you to make this work and I don't want to.
I don't really even feel bad about losing her as a friend outside of full friend group gatherings? Despite how close we used to be, I feel like I barely recognize her anymore and I'm just so sick of the toxicity she's starting to exhibit with me. She doesn't act like this with any of our other friends. I'm not sure what made her decide I was suddenly such a problematic person in her life when no one else is being treated this way and no one else thinks I deserve it except for another toxic friend that I cut out of my life before this. Tbh most of us in the friend group think the other toxic friend is a bad influence on her but none of us can convince her the other person is toxic. She won't listen to anyone, least of all me, so it's time for me to go. This isn't the girl I grew up with and loved. I don't know her anymore. She can go off and be whoever she wants, but I don't have to be a part of that life.
It took me 2 years to grieve a friendship I'd had for 15 years when we broke up. She broke up with me but I felt so betrayed by her doing it that it took me a long time to heal. After 2 years it was a VERY slow process when she chose to engage again because I didn't feel I could trust her. We are in a more healthy place now than we ever were thanks to my therapist.
I put up with the betrayals enough times but this last one was the last straw.
Dealing with fallout of friendships is hard. Especially the social ripple effect, becaue when losing when friend sometimes you lose many many more too. Especially if that is your only social group.
And it's very hard to deal with that fallout.
Someone I care for had been hurt by me.
And I've unintentionally hurt some of their friends too. I don't know how to apologise Becsue knowing exactly what I should apologise for is difficult to ascertain. It's something I've always struggled with. It's difficult to know sometimes what exactly it was that hurt someone. And for some people, if not told bluntly and directly, if told to "figure it out then come find me", that relationship won't heal Becsue they just don't know what it was they did.
It was primarily my fault this friendship ended. I cannot say I feel entirely blameless, but I don't think anyone else can quite see it from my perspective or is willing to listen. I dotn know if they'll ever understand or see things from my perspective.
I would like to fix things. But I do not know if it is possible.
I'm hoping it can be repaired. That we can all go about this in a better way for everyone.
Thank you for your videos. They help many people more than you can possibly know.
My two best friends unfriended me twice. Once senior year of highschool, they cut me off and didn't say why. Twenty years later they did it again, the exact same way as the first time.
I fell out with a friend a little while ago. He was drunk and said he hoped I lost at everything for the rest of my life. After we stopped talking he decided to hang out with my ex girlfriend. We had been friends for over 20 years. Feels crazy.
I had two friendships that fell apart last year. Both because I prioritized my own needs. The first was hard. I noticed that every time we met up it was about there problems and how bad everything was but it was always the same and she didn't wanted to change them. I felt like I had to give her everything she needed. She has a bad day I would go over and just walk with her and other things. But as my own mental health declined I just couldn't fulfill her needs. So I ask my sozial worker to help me tell her. We wrote a letter. I ask that every other meeting we would just do something fun and not talk about our problems. She was offended and said that if she couldn't talk about her problems whenever she wanted I didn't accept her as who she is. But I had just no energy left so told had that it was sad but that this was the end. It wasn't sad for me. I actually felt better but I struggelt with feeling selfish. It took me some time to accept that I was allowed to prioritize my own needs and that I am first and foremost responsible for myself. Second was short but I canceled meetings when I felt like it would suck out all my energy that I had left. The last one was her bithday. I haad backed a cake the whole day before but I just had no energy to go outside so only my boyfriend went with the cake. I got into the group video chat with the others and her later that day. We planed to bleach and dye her hair but a few days later I noticed that she had already done it through sozial media. I asked her about it and she snapped at me that I never had time. I had done extensive research for her hair which she knew/ we were in the middel of bilding her a big ginnypig cage wich cost us a lot of money we didn't have and a lot of time and energy. I did a lot for both of them and I noticed that I was also at fault I shouldn't put so much energy into friendships that I didn't get back. In therapy I noticed it was a habit because I felt I needed to be a big gain for other or they would want me. Now I only have one real friend beside some good family and my boyfriend and I am so much better of aspecialy mentally. You don't have to feel bad for feeling better without ex friends and family.
Just had a bad breakup with a friend that i care about deeply. As much as i would like it to work, there are changes that they would have to make first before we even tried to get it back. Im not even sure they are looking or trying to fix themselves or the relationship. Right now i just want to learn to fully let it go and heal
Thanks so much for this. I've been grieving the loss of a friendship - it was because of mutual betrayals, I'd say. Teenage stuff. I was awful, she was awful, she cut off ties with me years after the facts (we were actually friends again and this came pretty much out of nowhere, although I don't blame her for that I think it's pretty healthy to cut off toxic relationships from your life whatever the time) ad I CANNOT for the life of me get over it and especially forgive myself. I can't forget some stupid stuff I've said and done when I was 15, I can't forgive her for what she's done to me and it's been almost 20 years. So thank you for this, I needed to hear this.
All of my best friend relationships have ended with tragic breakups. I am one that is very picky about who I let in because I am afraid that anyone who gets to know me will hate me. It doesn't seem like the breakups were my fault. However, the circumstances of continuing breakups warrents that consideration. I'd like to know.
Thanks for the reminder to mourn.
Great video Jonathan! Glad I found you through Cinema Therapy :)
I'll be the first to admit that I'm far from perfect, and likely not a super great friend in a lot of cases. Lifelong anxiety and depression led me to do things that weren't healthy or right; of which I hope I am better about. That said, I experienced a friendship breakup that took far to long to become permanent. My relationship with my best friend growing up--we met in elementary school and were attached at the hip up through most of high school--began failing in late high school. Their parents were going through a rough divorce and I had started dating (junior year, I was the first between the two of us to start dating). What I didn't know at the time, and what took until after graduating undergrad and moving in with them briefly afterward, was they had the belief that I didn't see them as a full person anymore because I had an SO. This shocked me completely; from my perspective, I'd try to facilitate them and my SO getting to know each other and an opportunity to foster a friendship should they desire. They did become friends with my SO, so I really don't know where this belief came from?...I could go on, as there were many, many other facets to the story. Ultimately, they did not break things off, holding me at arm's length in terms of their efforts in the relationship, but allowing me to pursue them regardless if that was my prerogative. It was, of course, in bursts over the next several years, with me trying to rekindle the old good times. Finally, after living with them for a second time (along with my SO and another friend) I saw they blatantly had no respect for me and allowed my friendship efforts merely as an ego-boost. I finally cut the cord quietly about 3 years ago, and still find myself having dreams about them lol. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to say that it really sucks having a long term friend end up pushing you away (but not fully) despite you making efforts to try and reconcile things over and over again.
8 years ago after another betrayal that deeply hurted me,i decided to not get attached anymore.I'm sincere with people and i support them but if they decide,out of the blue,to go and never talk to me again it's fine by me,i don't care.Life goes on.