I was dumped 7 weeks ago after a 4-year long relationship. At first it was very painful. I've watched so many videos online about it, and to many of them raise your hopes too much that you can get your ex back. I like how your videos are more balanced and realistic. Now, even though I really miss my ex and wished my ex had stayed to talked things through and try to work things out now I know I just need to focus on my own healing and growth. I am getting therapy at the moment, which is based on setting goals and then reporting back each week what things are better than the previous week. It also inclused hypnotherapy. It is helping me to stop idealizing my ex, and get back into my own sense of power, agency and optimism for my future. My ex left me, so I do not feel that I should reach out. it would give me false hope and not be good for my mental and emotional well being. So as much as I still miss my ex, working on myself, and getting to a place in my mind where I don't really care if my ex wants to come back or not, is my goal for the next few weeks / months. thanks again for this channel. You help many people with your advice.
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are on the right path and the destination is happiness. Keep moving forward and you will get there. 2023 could become the best year of your life. It’s time to prepare for that now.
Thanks Vincent for the podcast. I am at 7.5 months no contact and feel ok with looking and connecting with someone else. I am talking to another girl now. Am not serious but the thought of my ex doesn't not haunt me much now....
I’ve got a question Vincent, I have blocked my ex on all socials not because I dislike her but because I needed to heal and I was constantly stalking her and it helped me. When I am ready should I unblock her? Or would that seem unattractive in a way to her.
Hi Elliot, you need to put your mental health first. If you feel comfortable unblocking her one day then that is great, and that shouldn't negatively affect someone (your ex) who has a mature mindset. Think about your own journey though now, rather than your ex.
Hi mate I’ve watched nearly all of your videos, Thankyou, such a great support. Pretty much all videos done by anyone carry a similar theme with similar presumptions. For example ‘cheating’ is mentioned sporadically with regard to certain circumstances etc but it’s only added as a possible additional consideration in individuals own circumstances etc. I’d love you to do a video/videos on cheating specifically. As in, potential processes for D & Dee in the wake of an affair or cheating. My own personal circumstance is We were having significant difficulties during 8 yr relationship, she became increasingly detached and withdrawn and caused a lot of pain, hurt and frustration in me. I strayed and regrettably had an affair for several months. Everything blew up 2 months ago. Surprisingly my ex and I remained amicable as we were both mature enough and loved each other enough to own our part. She’s now 3 weeks into a new relationship which is absolutely devastating. I’m struggling with the reality of whether it’s a rebound or is it not! As in because she apparently checked out of our relationship a very long time ago, it’s more likely a natural and easy progression for her. Absolutely heartbroken. So I would really really appreciate a video along these lines, situations that are quite outside of the ‘normal’ breakups where emotional attachment simply fades etc & a couple breakup. I am putting 100 percent effort into myself now to change, grow and evolve and I desperately want another go with the love of my life. Hope this makes sense and again Thankyou so much for the support. Danny
Hi Danny, thank you for your kind and supportive comments. I’m very sorry to hear of your situation and the struggle you are going through. I have made a note of the type of topic you have suggested and hopefully later this week I’ll get chance to record a podcast regarding my thoughts on cheating etc.
@@vincentbos Thankyou for your words of support and Thankyou so much to consider this, it really would be so helpful, however I do understand not every individual request is possible to address. Thanks again mate I get so much comfort and clarification from what you deliver. Danny
Do you have any thoughts on attachment theory, Vincent? My ex-BF left me because of the opposite of what you are saying. There was a HIGH level of emotional attraction/connection which he was unable to handle and so dumped me and rebounded to his previous ex who knows how to manipulate his fears in order to get him back. Its an ongoing pattern they have had for the last four years. I was his best friend for 8 years prior to our relationship so knew his triggers (he is extremely avoidant) and her toxic input. He also knows what she is like, they have broken up before as a result of her behaviour. He feels safe with her when he is "triggered", then gets to a point where his mind clears and he sees things for what they are, and he is able to process. Then dumps her again. She was involved in our break-up and managed to get between us when he deactivated, even told me he's in love with me and she was going to break us up, and he rebounded with her. She has convinced him I am a threat to his MH because he has deep feelings for me. They moved in together within 2 months and are now in exactly the same place as they were when they last broke up 18 months ago. Once again he has given up everything he held most sacred - his personal space, independence, social circle etc and is completely "isolated" and dependent on her; just the way she likes it. I have been waiting it out patiently and working on my own healing (sadly I suffered a miscarriage when we broke up and have PTSD/Depression as a result, which cant have been "attractive" for my ex to watch as it resulted in a rather public breakdown at our work) It has been 7 months now with mostly consistent stonewalling from him. No Contact just gave him a reason to keep ignoring me, and validated his fear of rejection, so now i have healed my own grief, I am showing up for myself confident and secure, outgoing and friendly, (the things he found attractive about me) and gently encouraging superficial work-related interaction in order to rebuild a comfortable line of communication with him. Our colleagues are watching quietly with amusement as they think i should give up on him for the most part. They have lost a lot of respect for him as a result of his behaviour during and after the break-up. i'm frankly sick of hearing the phrase "move on!" like its suddenly unheard of to stick around and work through relationship issues. I know its going to take time, and I know he has to work through his current relationship in order to re-affirm that its the wrong path for him. (Luckily my therapist is well-versed in attachment theory!) and i wont be doing anything to interfere in that situation as i want him to come back to me with a clear head, and know that i had no agenda or negative input into their relationship or its eventual demise. My ONLY contribution to our break-up was asking him to come over to my house and talk to me after i hadn't heard from him for 2 weeks. Thoughts?
Hello Air, thanks for your question. My thoughts on attachment theory are that it doesn't relate to re-connection. I believe it's part of the relationship, but not something to look into deeply regarding trying to get an ex back. Your ex is an avoidant and seems to dump people with regularity (you and his ex before you). What attracts you to the coldness and drama that a relationship with him brings? My theory is of romantic emotional attraction. If someone feels a high level of romantic emotional attraction, they don't end a relationship, so within the realms of my theory, that can't be the reason your ex ended your relationship. My beliefs dictate that he must have lost romantic emotional attraction due to either an action(s) or growth. I also don't like the term "move on". I prefer the term "move forward" because this enables a future where you find positivity in whatever outcome takes place. I believe you have a chance in the long-term of re-connection, but will that really satisfy you? My suggestion is you go through daily self-improvement and make new connections. If your ex contacts you in the future, then you can consider that situation at the time.
@@vincentbos I think that we both made the mistake of thinking that because we already had an existing close bond that it would naturally transpose across to our developing romantic relationship without much issue. Oops. How wrong we were. When he started developing deeper romantic feelings - something he never experienced with his previous ex - it triggered his fear of emotions/ being vulnerable and he went silent on me. I gave him a couple of weeks space to allow him to get to grips, and then asked if he wanted to come and talk it through with me. He replied with the break-up! There was no coldness or drama between us prior to that. We were very close, to the point of nauseating our colleagues! You and I will have to disagree on that particular issue on this occasion. Ordinarily I would agree with you, it certainly happened the way you state in the vast majority of my previous relationships. Attraction dies and takes interest with it. But not this time. The end result is the same however and I agree that we're not going anywhere until his level of romantic attraction for me grows again in his conscious mind and overtakes that of his fears. We can all see it in his body language, eyes etc and the way he reacts to me. Its still there, just buried. Plus he has to reach the point in his current relationship where his fears subside below the need to feel safe and her manipulation and lies are exposed. Again. I am in the meantime doing my thing, hitting the gym, travelling, continuing with my life. its all good really. i've healed, i'm secure, It is what it is. I have no anxiety as I've been through break-ups before and i know it gets easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel and all that. i dont need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled so... when he comes back around we'll have to see how I feel then. Attachment theory is a factor, but he still had the choice to discuss how he was feeling and work through it with me. He's a grown man after all, and cant hide behind his childhood traumas for the rest of his life, if he wants to build solid lasting relationships. He did hurt me, and it wasnt necessary. Especially given how close we were for all those years. Thanks for replying ;)
@@airbubble. thank you for your response. I always love communicating and sharing thoughts and ideas (whether there is agreement or not - discussion is key). The important thing is that you aren't feeling anxious and you are moving forward with positivity. I feel there is an increased chance of you finding someone better than your ex, before (if) he decides he wants to re-connect (which may or may-not happen). If you can move into 2021 with an excitement for the future, then happiness will find you sooner rather than later. Keep moving forward and go grab that happiness :)
@@vincentbos Thank you. And thanks for all the effort and knowledge you put into this channel etc to help others in similar situations. Its nice that you can give comfort and generate a little hope for people in such low points of their lives. :)
What is a general time frame that this happens ? Asking as the dumpee from a ten year relationship we split up Jan 11th so it's been 2 months so far ....
Told me twice in the last 3 months there was no hope. Then told me he finds me very attractive but just wants sex! And he still won't give me my stuff back! I'm done! He can stay in no contact forever for all I care 🤣
Hi Fay, I'm very sorry to hear about how you have been treated. You will find a better connection who treats you with respect. Take one step at a time and move forward with your life with positivity.
@@robertymalay8987 it will all depend on if you can rebuild the relationship without that being a problem in your mind. You can't take her back if you hold it against her.
Robert Robert Robert don't do that to yourself, those thoughts will drive you crazy, and what if you hit the lottery, think positive. I know it's hard because I am 3 months in NC, one day at a time it will get better
![ไข้ขึ้นเลย! เมื่อแฝดโดนจัดเต็มวัคซีนครบ2เดือน🤒 [cc] แดนแพทตี้ SS2 | EP.54 |](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/z2VHItnyyvY/mqdefault.jpg)
I was dumped 7 weeks ago after a 4-year long relationship. At first it was very painful. I've watched so many videos online about it, and to many of them raise your hopes too much that you can get your ex back. I like how your videos are more balanced and realistic. Now, even though I really miss my ex and wished my ex had stayed to talked things through and try to work things out now I know I just need to focus on my own healing and growth. I am getting therapy at the moment, which is based on setting goals and then reporting back each week what things are better than the previous week. It also inclused hypnotherapy. It is helping me to stop idealizing my ex, and get back into my own sense of power, agency and optimism for my future. My ex left me, so I do not feel that I should reach out. it would give me false hope and not be good for my mental and emotional well being. So as much as I still miss my ex, working on myself, and getting to a place in my mind where I don't really care if my ex wants to come back or not, is my goal for the next few weeks / months. thanks again for this channel. You help many people with your advice.
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are on the right path and the destination is happiness. Keep moving forward and you will get there. 2023 could become the best year of your life. It’s time to prepare for that now.
Thanks Vincent for the podcast. I am at 7.5 months no contact and feel ok with looking and connecting with someone else. I am talking to another girl now. Am not serious but the thought of my ex doesn't not haunt me much now....
Hi GKN, I'm so glad to hear your progress. Day by day and step by step you are heading towards peace and happiness.
@@vincentbos Thanks Vincent....
I’ve got a question Vincent, I have blocked my ex on all socials not because I dislike her but because I needed to heal and I was constantly stalking her and it helped me. When I am ready should I unblock her? Or would that seem unattractive in a way to her.
Hi Elliot, you need to put your mental health first. If you feel comfortable unblocking her one day then that is great, and that shouldn't negatively affect someone (your ex) who has a mature mindset. Think about your own journey though now, rather than your ex.
Hi mate
I’ve watched nearly all of your videos, Thankyou, such a great support.
Pretty much all videos done by anyone carry a similar theme with similar presumptions. For example ‘cheating’ is mentioned sporadically with regard to certain circumstances etc but it’s only added as a possible additional consideration in individuals own circumstances etc.
I’d love you to do a video/videos on cheating specifically. As in, potential processes for D & Dee in the wake of an affair or cheating.
My own personal circumstance is We were having significant difficulties during 8 yr relationship, she became increasingly detached and withdrawn and caused a lot of pain, hurt and frustration in me. I strayed and regrettably had an affair for several months. Everything blew up 2 months ago. Surprisingly my ex and I remained amicable as we were both mature enough and loved each other enough to own our part.
She’s now 3 weeks into a new relationship which is absolutely devastating. I’m struggling with the reality of whether it’s a rebound or is it not! As in because she apparently checked out of our relationship a very long time ago, it’s more likely a natural and easy progression for her. Absolutely heartbroken.
So I would really really appreciate a video along these lines, situations that are quite outside of the ‘normal’ breakups where emotional attachment simply fades etc & a couple breakup.
I am putting 100 percent effort into myself now to change, grow and evolve and I desperately want another go with the love of my life.
Hope this makes sense and again Thankyou so much for the support.
Danny
Hi Danny, thank you for your kind and supportive comments. I’m very sorry to hear of your situation and the struggle you are going through. I have made a note of the type of topic you have suggested and hopefully later this week I’ll get chance to record a podcast regarding my thoughts on cheating etc.
@@vincentbos Thankyou for your words of support and Thankyou so much to consider this, it really would be so helpful, however I do understand not every individual request is possible to address.
Thanks again mate I get so much comfort and clarification from what you deliver.
Danny
Thanks Danny, the important thing to remember is you will get through this difficult time. You can and will feel happiness again. Stay positive.
Do you have any thoughts on attachment theory, Vincent?
My ex-BF left me because of the opposite of what you are saying. There was a HIGH level of emotional attraction/connection which he was unable to handle and so dumped me and rebounded to his previous ex who knows how to manipulate his fears in order to get him back. Its an ongoing pattern they have had for the last four years. I was his best friend for 8 years prior to our relationship so knew his triggers (he is extremely avoidant) and her toxic input. He also knows what she is like, they have broken up before as a result of her behaviour. He feels safe with her when he is "triggered", then gets to a point where his mind clears and he sees things for what they are, and he is able to process. Then dumps her again.
She was involved in our break-up and managed to get between us when he deactivated, even told me he's in love with me and she was going to break us up, and he rebounded with her. She has convinced him I am a threat to his MH because he has deep feelings for me. They moved in together within 2 months and are now in exactly the same place as they were when they last broke up 18 months ago. Once again he has given up everything he held most sacred - his personal space, independence, social circle etc and is completely "isolated" and dependent on her; just the way she likes it.
I have been waiting it out patiently and working on my own healing (sadly I suffered a miscarriage when we broke up and have PTSD/Depression as a result, which cant have been "attractive" for my ex to watch as it resulted in a rather public breakdown at our work)
It has been 7 months now with mostly consistent stonewalling from him. No Contact just gave him a reason to keep ignoring me, and validated his fear of rejection, so now i have healed my own grief, I am showing up for myself confident and secure, outgoing and friendly, (the things he found attractive about me) and gently encouraging superficial work-related interaction in order to rebuild a comfortable line of communication with him.
Our colleagues are watching quietly with amusement as they think i should give up on him for the most part. They have lost a lot of respect for him as a result of his behaviour during and after the break-up. i'm frankly sick of hearing the phrase "move on!" like its suddenly unheard of to stick around and work through relationship issues.
I know its going to take time, and I know he has to work through his current relationship in order to re-affirm that its the wrong path for him. (Luckily my therapist is well-versed in attachment theory!) and i wont be doing anything to interfere in that situation as i want him to come back to me with a clear head, and know that i had no agenda or negative input into their relationship or its eventual demise.
My ONLY contribution to our break-up was asking him to come over to my house and talk to me after i hadn't heard from him for 2 weeks.
Thoughts?
Hello Air, thanks for your question. My thoughts on attachment theory are that it doesn't relate to re-connection. I believe it's part of the relationship, but not something to look into deeply regarding trying to get an ex back. Your ex is an avoidant and seems to dump people with regularity (you and his ex before you). What attracts you to the coldness and drama that a relationship with him brings?
My theory is of romantic emotional attraction.
If someone feels a high level of romantic emotional attraction, they don't end a relationship, so within the realms of my theory, that can't be the reason your ex ended your relationship. My beliefs dictate that he must have lost romantic emotional attraction due to either an action(s) or growth.
I also don't like the term "move on". I prefer the term "move forward" because this enables a future where you find positivity in whatever outcome takes place. I believe you have a chance in the long-term of re-connection, but will that really satisfy you? My suggestion is you go through daily self-improvement and make new connections. If your ex contacts you in the future, then you can consider that situation at the time.
@@vincentbos I think that we both made the mistake of thinking that because we already had an existing close bond that it would naturally transpose across to our developing romantic relationship without much issue. Oops. How wrong we were. When he started developing deeper romantic feelings - something he never experienced with his previous ex - it triggered his fear of emotions/ being vulnerable and he went silent on me. I gave him a couple of weeks space to allow him to get to grips, and then asked if he wanted to come and talk it through with me. He replied with the break-up! There was no coldness or drama between us prior to that.
We were very close, to the point of nauseating our colleagues!
You and I will have to disagree on that particular issue on this occasion. Ordinarily I would agree with you, it certainly happened the way you state in the vast majority of my previous relationships. Attraction dies and takes interest with it. But not this time.
The end result is the same however and I agree that we're not going anywhere until his level of romantic attraction for me grows again in his conscious mind and overtakes that of his fears. We can all see it in his body language, eyes etc and the way he reacts to me. Its still there, just buried.
Plus he has to reach the point in his current relationship where his fears subside below the need to feel safe and her manipulation and lies are exposed. Again.
I am in the meantime doing my thing, hitting the gym, travelling, continuing with my life. its all good really. i've healed, i'm secure, It is what it is. I have no anxiety as I've been through break-ups before and i know it gets easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel and all that.
i dont need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled so... when he comes back around we'll have to see how I feel then. Attachment theory is a factor, but he still had the choice to discuss how he was feeling and work through it with me. He's a grown man after all, and cant hide behind his childhood traumas for the rest of his life, if he wants to build solid lasting relationships. He did hurt me, and it wasnt necessary. Especially given how close we were for all those years.
Thanks for replying ;)
@@airbubble. thank you for your response. I always love communicating and sharing thoughts and ideas (whether there is agreement or not - discussion is key). The important thing is that you aren't feeling anxious and you are moving forward with positivity. I feel there is an increased chance of you finding someone better than your ex, before (if) he decides he wants to re-connect (which may or may-not happen). If you can move into 2021 with an excitement for the future, then happiness will find you sooner rather than later. Keep moving forward and go grab that happiness :)
@@vincentbos Thank you. And thanks for all the effort and knowledge you put into this channel etc to help others in similar situations. Its nice that you can give comfort and generate a little hope for people in such low points of their lives. :)
@@airbubble. you are very kind. Thank you for your support of my channel and being part of my channel community :)
What is a general time frame that this happens ? Asking as the dumpee from a ten year relationship we split up Jan 11th so it's been 2 months so far ....
Every situation is different, but here is a link to a video which should explain things in more depth - th-cam.com/video/eRI6vR-iWIQ/w-d-xo.html
Told me twice in the last 3 months there was no hope. Then told me he finds me very attractive but just wants sex! And he still won't give me my stuff back! I'm done! He can stay in no contact forever for all I care 🤣
Hi Fay, I'm very sorry to hear about how you have been treated. You will find a better connection who treats you with respect. Take one step at a time and move forward with your life with positivity.
What if she gets pregnant what should i do???
Pregnant by who?
@@vincentbos by some other guy during her monkey branching or rebound then coming back?
@@robertymalay8987 it will all depend on if you can rebuild the relationship without that being a problem in your mind. You can't take her back if you hold it against her.
Just forget her. You really got a chance to explore other chances
Robert Robert Robert don't do that to yourself, those thoughts will drive you crazy, and what if you hit the lottery, think positive. I know it's hard because I am 3 months in NC, one day at a time it will get better
👍👍👍👍
Thank you Creative :)
lose the rap song...its cheese