Maybe not quite on the same vein but I also dislike the assumption that if a monogamous relationship has worked/been good for a certain amount of time that it will last until one partners life ends, and people are judged for ending long term relationships. People change so much as they go through life, I think it is naïve to assume that just because a relationship has worked for 5 years (for example) that nothing could happen in the future that would cause the partners to be better off separating.
True! Or changing how their relationship works. It sure seems like many people their only options are "our relationship now" and "broken up and hating each other". We change as people - our relationships can change too.
That is so true, I think everyone would be better off with the belief and understanding that a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be "successful". So many people stay in relationships for way too long because of that assumption but I think tons of relationships would end a lot more amicably if people didn't feel so much pressure to try and force things to continue to work when that just builds up resentment.
I agree. As a society we don't tend to draw any distinction between a relationship ending and it failing. And I think that's a mistake. Not everything lasts forever. Careers change, friendships drift apart, etc. And with these other things we don't automatically consider them failures just because they ended.
@@dantronics1682 No. TH-cam does autocaptions, but youtubers either have to pay a service to caption the videos properly or caption them themselves. TH-cam doesn't pay for proper closed captions.
My least favourite thing about being in a relationship is everyone acting bewildered if I go anywhere without my partner, or don't know exactly where they are at all times and exactly what they think about every topic. We are not joined at the hip, we do not have psychic powers and also, there is some stuff they tell me I'm not going to tell everyone else! I think people see your partner as an easy/less confrontational way to ask things they don't want to directly ask you and I hate it.
knowing everything a partner is doing at every moment is abusive, its disgusting that its expected. nobody should be controlling anyone to the point that they know everything like that.
I got asked at a funeral yesterday, over my husband, if we plan on having kids. The family member asked not me, he looked at my husband and this really pissed me off.
My partner and I work together and our coworkers keep asking me stuff like "Do you know if he got my email?" and I can't believe that they really expect me to know this ? Also it's rude that they think of me as his sort of secretary
Everyone needs to see this. For me the worst part is when people try to police other people's relationships, like "your partner is going to cheat because they liked someone elses photo on social media" or "you shouldn't let your partner have such intimate conversations with friends" etc
Or they say you're clearly crushing on someone because they are attractive to them and you are friends with them. You can have friendships with attractive people and not want to hook up with them.
I’m in a long term monogamous relationship and I remember once my brother was trying to convince me that it was weird that I travelled without my boyfriend to visit one of my friends. I visit her semi annually because she lives in Europe and I live in North America but we grew up together. I thought it was so ridiculous that my brother would think that I would need to take my boyfriend with me when I go to visit one of my childhood friends. My boyfriend and I both take trips/vacations on our own if the purpose for the trip isn’t to do something together. My boyfriend will often take trips to go surfing with his friends and I don’t care and neither does he when I take trips of my own. Couples can be their own people and do things on their own.
I was reading a webcomic in wich a character thought her partner didn't love her because he was not acting jealous enough. And I was just screaming noooooo at my screen
I’ve always been the other person. I do not get jealous if I feel safe in a relationship and the people I date always think that means I don’t care. Like, no! It just means I trust you
@Anonymous Panacea Jealousy comes from negative emotions and insecurities. It's not a healthy emotion and shouldn't be encouraged. Learning to replace jealousy with compersion and feeling happiness towards your partner's happiness is life changing.
@@krystlepoulin6382I'd venture to say one needs to address the why of the jealousy.. Then try for compersion. Otherwise someone might end up feeling more resentment than genuine compersion.
I've never heard Attraction described in those 4 ways: Romantic, Sexual, Sensual & Aesthetic. Would LOVE to see a video talking about the diff types of attraction & how to differentiate between them?
I’m so grateful you made this video! When I first developed a crush while in my long-term relationship, I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I finally decided I had to talk to him (my partner) about it, and he was incredibly receptive... The people we are with don’t own us. We’re individuals with autonomy. And I certainly wouldn’t say my significant other is my Best Friend. I have friends from a decade ago, years before the relationship began... they are my best friends. Your s.o. does NOT need to be your best friend, as long as they’re a forthcoming partner, things can still work beautifully.
yeah I also wouldn't say my s/o is my best friend either and have often felt like our relationship isn't "good enough" when I hear the "marry your best friend" advice.
@@hannahwitton I've had those nasty feelings crop up too... but forget that! I don't expect my partner to be the perfect human, we're just growing and figuring this all out together! ❤
I do think my spouse is one of my few best friends, that is something that evolved over time with mutual open and frequent communication about all kinds of things. That communication and comittment has resulted in a happy, passively open marriage, based in the agreement that we keep communicating our emotions, desires, wants and intent for ourselves and/or towards potential new partners and that physical protection has to be used if either of us decide to explore sexual interests with others. Maintaing any kind of relationship is an active process and has to be as mutable and adaptable as life itself. What works for me now, might not work three days, three months or three decades down the line, and whatever works in one relation can't be directly presumed to work for another as we all have more or less differences in the context that make us who we are.
True, it's very important to care for friendships alongside romantic relationships, if your partner is your best (and only?) friend then who will support you outside of that relationship? And pick you up if the romantic relationship doesn't work out? This also relates to not being "everything" to your partner, because that will put a strain on the relationship and demand too much of the other person. So it's important to strive to have other close relationships in addition to your partner that can help you all stay healthy and happy.
It’s so interesting and cool how different peoples relationships are and all are right and functional. My partner started as my best friend. Now I wouldn’t say that. He’s one of my biggest confidants and supports but not necessarily my best friend. And I am so good with that. We work and have a healthy happy relationship so why put pressure on it to be more. It’s okay to fit different needs with different people in your life.
I also experienced such guilt the first time I felt physically attracted to a person other than my boyfriend. I never acted on it, but I ended up telling my partner in tears. Thank goodness he was waaaay more emotionally advanced than me and told me it was absolutely normal. yes, I know how lucky I am :)
You expect too much of yourself , I agree with the concept of polyamory but not the practice of it for this reason, I am a gemini , a free spirit , we are capable to feel for more than just the one , even when we love just the one, not any of us were born to feel for just the one, you shouldnt feel guilty for being human that would be ridiculous , good to read he reacted like he did , we as humans may live a one man one woman lifestyle called monogamy as a choice but our biology certainly is NOT like that
I remember hearing someone (in the context of explaining polyamory) talk about how there are a lot of movies and shows for kids where the only child is worried that their parents will love them less once there’s 2 kids, and the whole moral is that your parents love for your sibling doesn’t take away from their love for you. And then they were just saying that if that’s true for parents and children, why can’t it be true for romantic relationships as well? Ties in really well with your last point
My boyfriend and I (6.5 years together now) have always naturally just texted each other where we are and what we're up to ever since we started dating. Having to be long-distance for the majority of our relationship (mainly me going away for college) and not being able to spend a lot of time together (and also not really being into regular phone calls) has been a big part of this never feeling like a possessive, toxic trait of our relationship. We're just genuinely curious what the other person is up to and want to make sure they get to their destination safely, especially since I walk on busy roads a lot and accidents happen. I feel like if I tell people that we do this, they think it's really weird and controlling, but it always just made sense to us and has never felt negative! Always curious what people think of this topic. Thanks for making another great video Hannah!
My partner and I have the same. We have been long distance for 3 years now. We rarely ever need to ask where the person is cause we just share that information freely and when we ask it is never a jealously thing just a curiousity thing. We text each other everyday cause we just like to talk all the time lol
Doing the same here and done it the hole time. Still in a long distance relationship here and this last year been harder then normal when our long distance goes over 2 different countries. But allsaw had a relationship I ended fast because he wanted to know everything and where I went for walks and who I meet when I was shopping and stuff. It's the difference between when the partner ask or you just say what you are up to thats the important part
yes to everything in this video! sick of society claiming you need to be in a romantic relationship to have a fulfilling life, acting like its the end goal of life to have a partner and get married and have kids. Life can be fulfilling and valuable with or without those things, and you don't need to be linked with another person forever just to have meaning in your life
I've always known I want kids, but I don't know if I want to do it _with_ someone. I know that wouldn't be easy... I'll just have to see where my life ends up...
@@Isellsimpsandsimpaccessories That's so annoying. How can they possibly think they know that? As far as I'm concerned with similar issues, I've gotten "You may well" rather than "You will" which I much prefer. It is reasonable to let people know they might not always feel the same, especially if they're young, but trying to act like you know anything for sure about what _they will feel_ is just _ridiculous!_
@@conlon4332 I usually tell them something very rude and insensitive right back at them. And then hammer home that they're doing something incredibly rude. A child is not a gift. It is a huge responsibility and a financial burden. It is not like giving your kid a puppy and then taking care of it more than they do. This is serious.
@@Isellsimpsandsimpaccessories I'm in my mid 30s and I'm single for my whole life and I'm happy. And I didnt changed my mind. My life is great but people wont accept that
"Sneaking into your bedroom and watching you sleep..." that made me do a double take because I thought "That is incredibly specific..." then I realized what the reference was and laughed.
8:56 “We have so many different needs and expecting one person to fulfill them all for us is just a recipe for disaster.” I feel this is at the core of polyamory, and to any healthy relationship structure. Thank you Hannah.
This was so interesting because in my relationship we just kinda naturally came to all these conclusions, and it's always worked really well for us. But there have been some struggles in lockdown and we couldn't really figure out why - and what you said about people filling your needs has really explained it. When you're used to having different people fulfilling different needs, being stuck with only each other is a whole different dynamic. So thanks for this, definitely food for thought!
I get really hate myth 3, it's been one I've bought into and have had a lot of problems because of... I would say that it's impossible for one person to be EVERYTHING for somebody. We expect a romantic partner to be the love our life, our best friend, our therapist, someone we share all hobbies with and we expect them to fulfill every need. Sexual, emotional etc... I used to think the relationship wasn't good enough unless we could do anything and everything together. Such bullshit!
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ? if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ? if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
love the video. another thing i find so important as a pansexual person is that i need to be able to openly talk about all my attractions without being fetishised, like in a previous relationship any mention of a crush i had on a woman* would lead to rally inappropriate questioning (hello toxic masculinity) that made me massively uncomfortable and lead to me breaking up (as i should've lol)
people shouldnt be so rude , it's when people give unwanted comments and judge people , when its about politics , sexuality, infidelity or religious views that it drives it underground and you just dont say anything , keep secrets or just lie, read the comments on polyamory for example (it's not my lifestyle choice but I can understand the concept) disgusting , weird, burn them on the stake , put them on an island , closet cheaters , sl*ts, etc. etc. what you may read is really unbelievable once you deviate from the norm
@Hannah Witton Could you do a video on staying childfree by choice? I think many couples and women feel pressured about making kids even if kids are not a thing they want to chose. This is sort of the same concept as Monogamy. Its coming from the bible and is this a huge stigma that not many overcome out of pressure from others. I was at my Father in Laws funeral today and an oncle just came up to me and asked us (2 years married, 10 years together) if we are in the process of getting pregnant soon... That is just not a thing you should ask. I am not sure if i want children right now and these questions make me feel anxious.
I see the 'the relationship always comes first' as problematic when it comes to abusive relationships as it can guilt the abused into staying and them putting themselves second.
The idea that "love can solve it all" can so end up being so toxic. I am glad you are initiating these conversations. I wish these were part of some school curriculum so that most teenagers don't end up being emotionally abused in a relationship early on. I think we often forget that one size cannot fit all and we need to bend the rules to suit our needs. Like any other aspect of life, relationships have to be customized based on the individuals involved.
Thanks for this balanced and considerate video Hannah! Often when I hear people talk about polyamory/monogamy it comes across like they are attacking monogamy and acting like we're all brainwashed idiots which is frustrating. So I love how you discuss this in a less black and white way, allowing people to question things but always understanding and respecting people's choices.
My parents split when i was six, and i have a marriage going eleven years strong, and we have a few rules we hammered out early. One, constant open communication. Share with each other, and share often, we dont know what we dont know. Two, keep disagreement between the two of you, because when you add other people they have other motives to get involved, and it becomes a war of options. Rule three, when friction happens, hash it put ASAP, then put it to bed. No bringing up past arguments to win present ones. There is no winning, but resolving. If you keep bringing something up that happened ages ago, it isnt really resolved, is it? And that becomes a wedge that drives you further apart.
What you said about a partner not needing to fulfil all social needs is so true. There’s such a stigma on having separate friendship groups when in actual fact it makes sense to have a space where you are enjoying something you don’t need to share with your partner/they can’t give you
One of the things that really sold me about my now-husband when we were dating was when I was worrying about what we were *supposed* to do and he like and he said "it's our relationship. We make the rules." It was so freeing!
your husband is so right , don't let other people tell you with their comments, opinions or morals how you should run your life , tell them if needs be to mind their own business
Thank you for spreading awareness about this! These myths almost broke my first relationship. I constantly looked for flaws, and of course I found plenty. When I realised that the flaws were a natural part of every relationship and that we do whatever feels best for us, I finally became content. I never looked back.
I've been in open and monogamous relationships before, the similarities and differences are fascinating to me. For me personally I think there's more differences between relationships than relationship styles. Earlier in lockdown my current (monogamous) partner started making jokes about being jealous because I had a series of dreams that I was dating a celebrity, and thought about them a lot when awake too, and it was funny at first but eventually I had to say "can we have a serious conversation about this because I know you're partly joking but I don't think it's fair for you to hold this against me". It was really productive, we listened to each other and my partner agreed to stop making the jokes and in turn I toned down all the jokes I had been making (probably in unconscious retaliation) about that celebrity and how much I fancied them. However I stand by fancying and crushing on other people and not having to keep it a secret to save anyone's feelings! That doesn't work for me and just makes me resentful of my lovely partner.
you don't HAVE TO share all your thoughts and feelings with your partner but it's a good thing when you can , but it always remains your prorogative whether or not you will, you are a separate indivual after all
My dad's former boss complained to his coworkers/employees a few times about his wife having dreams that he cheated on her and waking up mad at him and taking it out on him. I thought that sounded really fucked up. They probably should've had a talk like that about her dreams.
Myth number 4 is sold to you and in my first serious relationship it was like being slapped in the face realising love does not conquer all and I began to realise ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’ if you cannot meet on mutual grounds in terms of practical compatibility! However I’m so glad I eventually realised that and have definitely taken it forward to my current relationship!
I always assumed I'd eventually want to get married to one person and have kids with them because "that's what you do", but it never happened. I'd always get crushes on multiple people and feel like a horrible person and something was wrong with me for wanting more than one partner. I was in my twenties before I realised that having multiple partners was a viable option. Before that I thought it was just something they did on TV for the drama, and it always ended in them having to "pick one".
Oh, how I hate tv portrayal of loving multiple people, that it's a bad thing and you have to choose. Like, I get that that won't work for everyone, but it's at least worth _considoring!_ (Edit: for clarity, considering being in a relationship with both of them. I realised that wasn't as clear as it might be.)
Since entering a polyamourous relationship, there are a lot of toxic relationship ideals that i've noticed that i never even noticed before. I've had so many people tell me I'm weird or wrong or what I'm doing is unethical. I have two healthy relationships both of which I'm very happy in, how could that possibly be bad or somehow unethical? we're all happy. Just because it challenges your ideals and makes you uncomfortable doesnt make it wrong, I'm not hurting anyone.
Remembering that love and affection comes in abundance is so important in any kind of relationship, not just a romantic one! This video really opened my eyes. I feel like if looking with a critical view all of these myths would obviously be, well, myths. It is interesting to see how much i had set these as a fact in my head. Such a good video i will be sharing this to my friends!
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ? if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
As someone on the ace spectrum all these expectations that come with toxic monogamy culture have been the hardest to deal with.. it can be hard to explain to other people but you put it into words so well! I'm still learning to decouple my self-worth from having the 'perfect' complete package of a monogamous relationship (which I know I will never have) and I really really hope that there will be better education about sex/relationships in the future, esp at schools. You're doing important work!!
Omg I just commented something in the same vein, I’m also ace and used to be terrified of relationships because what if I couldn’t give a romantic partner everything they wanted
That was a huge issue in my first marriage. My first spouse deeply believed that marriage means all needs are perfectly satisfied to each partner's satisfaction automatically and for sex that wasn't the case. We had a very large difference in libido with mine being higher and my ex found that insulting and "by masturbating because I don't want to have sex then you are saying that I'm not good enough."
@@DanielleWhite well... I'd say it was that attitude that exposed them as "not good enough". I hope your current life choises meet your needs and wants a lot better :)
I can't split my emotions like that. I can only be with one person, however, my fiance and I are friends first, there is absolutely no fighting, and I believe in maintaining who we are even when we are together. I do not try to pressure him into changing and he does not pressure me into changing. And this works for us. I learned everything I know about relationships from a friend and it works. Most say that not fighting is not healthy. Fighting is damaging and unnecessary. There is nothing that cannot be talked about, not shouted. Louder does not make anyone right. It just makes them look bad. And neither of us want to be passed around or shared. We enjoy us.
I agree, if it comes to fighting, it means something is broken in how the people in a relationship communicates. Often by projecting expectations on eachother and getting upset when those expectations fail as the expectee never told the partner(s) what they wanted or needed of their partner(s) and presumes an intentional slight instead of acknowledging the fact that however much we think we know eachother, no human can read thoughts.
My partner and I are very much genuine normies, yet I enjoy understanding how much this IS genuine, and not that we conform to some deeprooted norms we may have absorbed. Thanks for exploring all of those subjects (and for helping my English!)
Omg this. Yes yes yes. It took me so long to get to a healthy point with my brand of monogamy. Like. This is exactly everything I feel, articulated; I want so badly to be able to show this video to my future kids when they hit a stage where they're focused on relationships because SO IMPORTANT!!!!
This is another level of emotional education, Hannah! I loved it, I think we face in our lives a lot of people with such unrealistic , inmature, close minded and traditional expectations, maybe we have accomodated ourselves to those, and it shouldn't be like that... thank you
As someone who grew up on this platform through out my teenage years I was lucky enough to understand many of these ideas before ending up in a relationship. And I think having this kind of education is so important because it's meant that there's so much more comfortable communication between me and my partner than what I observe in others. Additionally, I think rejecting these toxic ideas comes from having a lot of self confidence, as I've noticed (in predominantly females) that people play into these ideas more because they're so unsure of who they are and feel like they need a relationship to complete them. If only we were taught the ways to work on ourselves before it was shoved down our throats that you "need a boy to complete you" 😷 We should be allowed to explore and experiment completely openly and honestly, but so many of us are afraid of being judged by the toxic standards that society sets.
Hi friends, wanna get your two cents on something: Having been in a relationship a few years back, one of the things I struggled with was the fact that my partner was polyamarous, and it wasn't the fact that they were polygamous, but more that they would fetishise and obsess over thier latest crush. Despite having had conversations about how this intensity was hurting me, but also saying that the liking others at the same time wasn't the issue. And I've been wrestling with whether my actions were right/healthy, and was my feelings of hurt justified (and what was the reason I was feeling hurt) but also whether the feelings of being hurt were themselves natural at all. And what i should aim to do if this situation were to happen again.
The idea of love conquering all really hit me as I just went through a breakup whereby this definitely was tested. My partner was older than me and was strongly religious, down the line it was difficult to navigate as we realized that we wouldn't agree on how to raise kids because of different religious/political beliefs
Love this video! I used to hold so many of these unconscious biases to my chest in my first relationship to the point where it basically ruined it and my ex had to step away. It's something I'm glad I've moved past now. There's far too much toxic monogamy out there atm
Great video. In my relationships I only have one rule, honesty. Be honest with yourself and others. Expect the same from others. Have the difficult conversations and do not be afraid to be vulnerable. I've found the relationship smorgasbord mentioned to be a great tool.
I think a really interesting experience I once had was my partner abusing monogamy. In the sense that he would make demands for me to follow in our relationship meanwhile the same rules didn't apply to him. An example was the 'not having feelings for anyone but me' complex. I'm not a very sexual person but I develop crushes on almost everyone XD I can have these feelings completely separate from a desire to be intimate with them. When I told my partner about PAST crushes I had he would get upset because he wasn't the only person I had feelings for. And this was regarding crushes I had before meeting him. It made me keep my feelings towards others to myself out of fear of him being reactionary. Ironically enough, the relationship ended when he admitted to cheating on me. Basically all the rules he put on me he was breaking all along. Basically as toxic masculinity as you can get. Taught me valuable lessons that I want to retain some independence in my next relationships. I'll never let myself get caught in that situation again.
thanks for sharing. I am glad that you were able to get a positive lesson out of the situation you described. That should now be added your red flags in dating. A person who demands only to have feeling for them, not others, can not be the right partner for YOU. maybe for others, but not you. NEXT! 😄 much love to you ♥️
That’s not masculine. Inability to stay true to your word and lack integrity is just qualities of a irresponsible person. His double standards are indicative of a toxic personality, not toxic masculinity.
Thank you thank you for making this video. I feel so incredibly isolated when thinking of my views on monogamy. I cannot imagine being able to find a partner who could meet all my needs at the same time, I cannot imagine expecting someone to be everything for me like that and being happy. For me actually my least favorite part of being in a relationship is how other people treat me. It’s like the second I tell people I’m in a relationship it’s like they completely lose interest in me and who I am. I can almost see whatever interest they had in me die in their eyes, regardless of what relationship we had prior. I tell my friends and suddenly they no longer have anything interesting to say. Now that I think about it my relationships are kinda sad if that’s all they value in me... huh
This video would have 100% benefitted me 10 years ago trying to navigate my first serious relationship. Whenever I had a new male friend my boyfriend at the time would obsess over it and be adamant that they fancied me. And if they did, I would talk to the friend about it, establish the boundaries of "I'm in a relationship and don't return your romantic feelings but I still want to be your friend" and then would ultimately lose out on the friendship because either that friend decided they only wanted me romantically and nothing else, or I would tell my boyfriend and he would be proud of himself (red flag I should have acted on sooner) and guilt me into not hanging out with the friend anymore.
Yes, yes, yes! Brilliant video Hannah, on such an important topic. One of my best friends is ace, you can imagine how this attitude towards monogamy can be expecially harmful for them, since oftentimes people devalue every other human connection that is not "" love"". I'll send immediately this video to them, seems like one of our conversations!
Relationship Requirements: 1. Communication 2. Trust Numbers 1 & 2 are interchangeable...but both are absolutely required...without them you cannot have a good relationship.
I have been saying #1 for AGES - having feelings for someone else doesn’t matter, it’s your conscious choice to stay with your partner that matters. Being in a monogamous relationship is a constant conscious choice!
@@barbaral3302 loving unconditionally is not a conscious choice! It becomes impossible to leave that person when you love them unconditionally. Initially it was maybe a choice to be with them but after you fall in love it’s not choice anymore. Even if I want to leave the girl I can’t because I love that girl unconditionally if overrides conscious thought. Women don’t love in a relationship they make it a conscious choice. There is actually a ton of research done on this. Of course women do have the ability to love their child. This of course is talking in generalities. Some women are capable of loving their husband unconditionally most likely a virgin that stayed with her first relationship.
I've always had a hard time explaining to people I've dated that I hadn't lost the love for them, but that it just wasn't working out for me. Now I can use this practical compatibility term to explain what it is that isn't working. Thanks for that! Also just thanks for being a voice on this topic. I definitely see all of these myths in my social groups and in my society.
As a single, introverted hopeless romantic this video was really helpful! Definitely agree with the idea that not everyone can fulfill my emotional/intellectual/physical needs. And of course love doesn’t conquer all, because I would like to be with a partner who gets me politically or spiritually.
Another assumption that has caused a lot of judgement from other people of me and my partner’s relationship: once someone cheats they are never to be trusted again and you’re a fool for working out the relationship. This assumption has kept me from talking about my relationship with friends many times because I am afraid that they will judge me and my partner even though we truly have moved past the incident and grown SO much since. I have no doubt that I’ve truly found my person but I often have friends question and devalue this big time if I tell them that my partner cheated once when we were in high school😔
I am not monogamous, but so many of my monogamous friends would be happier if they thought about these things instead of thinking that you are only allowed to question what parts of monogamy work for you personally if you are not monogamous
I love this because, despite personally preferring monogamous relationships, i know there are so many toxic ideas about monogamy from what it should mean in life to how people should behave in them. I have struggled personally with understanding how much my long-term relationship should take up in my life and what is normal or not normal. This video is so reassuring and non-judgemental, thank you!
I hope I remember to go back to this video when Im in a relationship and feeling all this things... becuase everything is making so much sense right now
You speak my mind so well why I have a major issue with monogamy today. A lot of these myths you've mentioned are unfortunately still being glorified like wild fire. So many insecure people hold onto to these false ideals, and yet wonder why more and more people stray away or get flakey with monogamy.
A lot of things became clearer in my mind, in terms of being able to discuss them with other people. It's lovely to have your thought expressed through someone else's words! Thank you Hannah for being here this entire year! Happy 2021!
As someone who has been living a polyamorous life for the past 2 years, this is what I have been telling my monogamous friends. That there is much to learn how love can be seen and enjoyed. For me the most important to stop seeing everything as a zero-sum game, this change will give you the greatest benefit. I recommend Dedeker Wilson's book "The smart girl's guide to Polyamory". It asks important questions than can help anyone have a better love, sex and relationship life. As ever, thank you Hannah for your excellent work. Marry Christmas :)
I want to say THANK YOU because you really bring such great, original content on TH-cam! When I see your notifications I literally can't wait to find some time to watch the new video. Thank you for being on TH-cam, you're one of the best creators on here.
This video was so refreshing! As someone who is exploring relationship anarchy for the first time it’s lovely to hear you talk about this subject so openly! 🌿
I feel so fortunate. My parents are monogamous and they don't want anything or anyone else in their life. Yet they never believed or "practiced" (for lack of a better word) any of these toxic monogamy standards. I got to see toxic monogamy only outside of my family when I heard friends say things like "being jealous means you really love someone." And I would just sit there and be like: "what the heck are you talking about? My parents have been together for years and they would never ever say or believe that." Honestly I feel so lucky that my family is like that. To have such a healthy example of a monogamous relationship is priceless! ❤ Thanks for making this video. It's amazing and helpful to many people. 😊
This video was a good refresher on healthy relationships. It can be very easy to fall into some of these, or to feel insecure because these myths can be so deep-rooted in us even if we consciously do not think them to be true. I was in a toxic monogamous relationship that ended up turning into a controlling/stalking situation, and although that's an extreme, it really woke me up to where these myths can sometimes lead.
The expectation that one person fulfills all our needs is the one that really gets me. Think about being on the other end of that. I don't want my partner to be entirely reliant upon me - that seems like so much pressure!
I remember once my boyfriend and I were talking about one of his friends, basically he’s a super shy guy and was struggling to find a partner because he kept to himself so much. I said something alone the lines of “that’s his only problem because he’s a good looking guy, he would have no problems in that category if he put himself out there.” I then apologized and said “and I don’t mean that in a bad way to you don’t take that to heart” and my bf bless his soul just laughed and said “you know you’re allowed to have eyes right?” Personally after we were open to each other about that, I would find it almost insulting if he were to say the typical “I don’t see anyone but you”. I get the sentiment behind it but it bothers me because I know that’s not true. It’s possible to find other people attractive and not feel the urge of “I need to date them” but it’s not possible that every other woman is now ugly in your eyes because you’re committed to me. That sort of thing has always rubbed me the wrong way.
Thank you for making this video! As someone who doesn't identify much with monogamy, I've struggled with pretty much all of these, but especially the first one. As someone who has crushes all the time based on people's aesthetics or art/tastes for instance have made me wonder whether I "loved" my partner. It's ridiculous and even harmful to expect that everyone's goal in life is to find a partner for life and stop being an autonomous individual.
As far as 'love conquers all' I think it's a matter of priorities. If you do always have your relationship as your first priority, maybe it can, and maybe that can work for some people, but that's not how most people's lives work, and that is more than ok. It's up to you to decide your priorities.
Thank you for this video! In some ways it was affirming but mostly it made me look at myself harder and recognize where I’ve been letting these societal expectations get to me and mess with my relationship. Thank you
So for some reason I didn't pick up on the norm of monogamy naturally, and have found it super weird! It is so refreshing to see people talk abt it, as I sometimes feel quite alone with my held beliefs. thank you for a good video
Hannah, I've been following you for quite a few years now... I'd like to say how much I admire your work and how grateful I am to have learned so much from you so far. As somebody who is currently questioning a lot how I want to manage my future relationships, I found this video insightful and preciously informative. I've got some more food for thoughts... Thank you and I wish you all the best!
Wow Hannah, thank you so much for this video. I guess I’ve always had these thoughts in my head but didn’t know how to put them into words and you did it wonderfully. Thank you so much 😍
As an aroace person, I found this video extremely interesting! The whole time i was thinking: i can platonically love as many people as i can, and no one would view that as bizarre or bad, but when it's a romantic/sexual partner, thats when people think it's weird. Obviously, i've never loved someone romantically, but I have a feeling that allo's are able to romantically/sexually love more than one person too! Just to add: the way our society values and upholds romantic/sexual relationships makes it extremely difficult (or at least much harder than it should be) to imagine how my life will play out without a romantic/sexual partner (or a partner of any kind). Thanks for making this video Hannah! It's very lovely and informative :)
I am very aware of how much value is placed on whether you're in a relationship. It's a load of... hu-hm... rubbish, and I hope you know you're not worth any less! I hope you have a good life and don't feel too left out by society. I know things can be hard for aro/ace people - not because of them, but because of what people expect of them.
@@conlon4332 it means people who are on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrum! it's just an easier/shorter term for this because there are a load of different identities under the aromantic/asexual umbrella!
Such an eye-opening video. Thank you so much! I think one of the deepest trauma for someone who is cheated on is the betrayal of trust. Understanding this would actually encourage more honest and open-minded conversations about perhaps having affections for more than one person at the same time and help avoid deception. I myself have wondered about this my entire life as I definitely have experienced love for more than one person at the same time, but have also been deeply hurt by my ex's long-term and repeating infidelity.
I think this is the best video I’ve ever watched, much value in the information you’re giving, I’m married and you have given me so much relief, thanks
I have heard that divorce rates in the USA have increased by 30% since COVID hit. I couldn’t understand why but you telling us your experience Hannah gave me an insight on the reason that is so.
Thank you so much for this video. It really makes me think differently about my own value in my relationship, and my husband’s. I have been struggling with that lately and this was so helpful
I was in a romantic relationship this past year and I put sooo much value on it. It felt like the most important relationship in my life. We're told to search for a partner and then you'll be happy and life will be fulfilled. Sure, I loved my relationship, but those expectations became harmful. After the breakup, I devalued myself; I wasn't good anymore for not being partnered. I didn't want to be single because I felt less-than. WTF - why are we taught to feel like shit about this? I've taken time to reflect and I'm in a better place emotionally now but omg, I felt like shit for being single. Because my relationship "failed." But it didn't fail. We both learned and both wanted different things that couldn't be changed ie Practical Compatibility. Thanks for talking about this!!! There's so much to unlearn and grow from in all types of relationships.
17 year old me needed to watch this but 21 year old me is still very grateful for learning the hard way. Regardless, this is really good content and I am taking notes.
Realising that you and your partner don't have to be everything for each other is really empowering. You don't have to pretend to like or enjoy something your partner does, you can suggest they do it with a friend who shares that interest, and that's great! It took a lot of pressure off my shoulders to realise I don't have to pretend to want to do things just because my partner does. (Like skydiving) And he doesn't have to pretend to like musicals, which I adore.
It was a life changing day for me when I came across the idea that poly was something you are rather than something you do a lot of things started making a lot more sense to me. Having said that I've been in a couple open relationships now and have had toxicity from friends and enemies alike from all corners. Obviously some were expected but others really came out of nowhere
people are judgmental , it is NORMAL< NATURAL and HUMAN to feel attracted in many ways to more than just the one even if you love just the one, and with people having an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend ex wife or ex husband even love is not exclusive is it ? considering having a crush as emotional cheating sounds restrictive, repressive , everything has a label nowadays , sickening who do people think they are to judge others and give their unwanted comments ? comments that you didnt ask for , let them keep their comments to themselves
I used to think people jumping from one relationship to the next were just afraid to be alone. I was like "there is no way they like ALL of those people"... especially without a break?! Like my assumptions was; they would either not really like their partner anymore but afraid to leave them until they found someone else, OR they'd just settle for a new person without actually having feelings for them because they don't want to be alone... Once I learned about the ace spectrum (and that I'm definitely on there) I was like ohhhhh wait. That was real? Sorry my bad. xD So yeah, love that you pointed that out here. I definitely agree I don't think it's anyone's fault that you have feelings, it's about how you handle those feelings. I feel like people don't take responsibility for their actions just because they had feelings or it was "heat of the moment". Then don't put yourself in that position and have some respect for your partner. Communication is everything.
very pleased to watch this video and learn that my relationship is not toxically monogamous at all! hahahaha and I 1000% know that's because of how we started dating. We both got out of long term, toxic relationships the year before, and had already been friends for 8 years prior. We had enough of all the bullshit of those previous relationships and had spent time with and on ourselves in that year before, so out the gate set our boundaries, openly discussed anything and everything, and learned how to communicate with each other what we need and want and how to compromise where we can. I think we are also both highly independent, and realists, and so we understand the importance of when the other person really does need each other. Absolutely there are and have still been learning opportunities but I'm really glad to know that we have already been naturally practicing things that go against these myths.... but also it is a little scary how commonly I see these toxic traits happening around me as well... I couldn't imagine being back in that toxic relationship again. It's all about open honest communication! As an aside though, that last one mentioned, the "love is in short supply" one (which I agree with you Hannah there is care in abundance!), what my partner and I HAVE found is that our love and care always remains in abundance, but our social energy ebbs and flows, and we've had to learn how to communicate that with one another and negotiate what kind of affection/attention we need when we need (Ie: just being in the same room with each other, physical contact/cuddles, having a conversation about the day, etc.). I loved this video!!
Maybe not quite on the same vein but I also dislike the assumption that if a monogamous relationship has worked/been good for a certain amount of time that it will last until one partners life ends, and people are judged for ending long term relationships. People change so much as they go through life, I think it is naïve to assume that just because a relationship has worked for 5 years (for example) that nothing could happen in the future that would cause the partners to be better off separating.
True!
Or changing how their relationship works. It sure seems like many people their only options are "our relationship now" and "broken up and hating each other". We change as people - our relationships can change too.
That is so true, I think everyone would be better off with the belief and understanding that a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be "successful". So many people stay in relationships for way too long because of that assumption but I think tons of relationships would end a lot more amicably if people didn't feel so much pressure to try and force things to continue to work when that just builds up resentment.
Very true. Also that if you are in a long relationship that you HAVE to have children of your own.
I agree. As a society we don't tend to draw any distinction between a relationship ending and it failing. And I think that's a mistake. Not everything lasts forever. Careers change, friendships drift apart, etc. And with these other things we don't automatically consider them failures just because they ended.
I recently split from my fiance after 8 years, and I think that relationship was really successful even though it didn't end because one person died.
Yay a youtuber who has proper captions on all her videos! Thank you for being a deaf ally.
least I can do!
🤟, I took ASL in college and loved it! The few times I’ve gotten to use it have all be so fun! Hope you’re well.
isnt cc produced by youtube?
@@dantronics1682 there is a genetic one but it misses a lot sometimes. I’m pretty sure creators can add their own.
@@dantronics1682 No. TH-cam does autocaptions, but youtubers either have to pay a service to caption the videos properly or caption them themselves. TH-cam doesn't pay for proper closed captions.
My least favourite thing about being in a relationship is everyone acting bewildered if I go anywhere without my partner, or don't know exactly where they are at all times and exactly what they think about every topic. We are not joined at the hip, we do not have psychic powers and also, there is some stuff they tell me I'm not going to tell everyone else! I think people see your partner as an easy/less confrontational way to ask things they don't want to directly ask you and I hate it.
knowing everything a partner is doing at every moment is abusive, its disgusting that its expected. nobody should be controlling anyone to the point that they know everything like that.
I got asked at a funeral yesterday, over my husband, if we plan on having kids. The family member asked not me, he looked at my husband and this really pissed me off.
SAME, I was in a relationship and people were like "Is he not coming too? Is he not with you?" 😂😭
My partner and I work together and our coworkers keep asking me stuff like "Do you know if he got my email?" and I can't believe that they really expect me to know this ? Also it's rude that they think of me as his sort of secretary
@Anonymous Panacea Woah hold you breath.. Why should i get over myself?
Everyone needs to see this.
For me the worst part is when people try to police other people's relationships, like "your partner is going to cheat because they liked someone elses photo on social media" or "you shouldn't let your partner have such intimate conversations with friends" etc
uuhh I feel this - stop projecting your own insecurities onto someone else's relationship!
Or they say you're clearly crushing on someone because they are attractive to them and you are friends with them.
You can have friendships with attractive people and not want to hook up with them.
So much! Like, it's none of your fricking business! Shut up! How can people think that it's their place to say those things??
@@conlon4332 Entitlement, really.
This isn’t about anything bar control from insecurity
I’m in a long term monogamous relationship and I remember once my brother was trying to convince me that it was weird that I travelled without my boyfriend to visit one of my friends. I visit her semi annually because she lives in Europe and I live in North America but we grew up together. I thought it was so ridiculous that my brother would think that I would need to take my boyfriend with me when I go to visit one of my childhood friends. My boyfriend and I both take trips/vacations on our own if the purpose for the trip isn’t to do something together. My boyfriend will often take trips to go surfing with his friends and I don’t care and neither does he when I take trips of my own. Couples can be their own people and do things on their own.
I was reading a webcomic in wich a character thought her partner didn't love her because he was not acting jealous enough. And I was just screaming noooooo at my screen
noooooooooooooo!!!!
Like Darth Vader? I would too.
I’ve always been the other person. I do not get jealous if I feel safe in a relationship and the people I date always think that means I don’t care. Like, no! It just means I trust you
@Anonymous Panacea Jealousy comes from negative emotions and insecurities. It's not a healthy emotion and shouldn't be encouraged. Learning to replace jealousy with compersion and feeling happiness towards your partner's happiness is life changing.
@@krystlepoulin6382I'd venture to say one needs to address the why of the jealousy.. Then try for compersion. Otherwise someone might end up feeling more resentment than genuine compersion.
I've never heard Attraction described in those 4 ways: Romantic, Sexual, Sensual & Aesthetic. Would LOVE to see a video talking about the diff types of attraction & how to differentiate between them?
I'd like to add intellectual to the types of attraction.
As what would friendships be if not that?
tallulah guard just made a video about all of this :)
@@SonsOfLorgar there is also platonic and some include friendships in that
There are lots of videos about asexuality and a romantic that go over these
+
I’m so grateful you made this video! When I first developed a crush while in my long-term relationship, I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I finally decided I had to talk to him (my partner) about it, and he was incredibly receptive...
The people we are with don’t own us. We’re individuals with autonomy.
And I certainly wouldn’t say my significant other is my Best Friend. I have friends from a decade ago, years before the relationship began... they are my best friends. Your s.o. does NOT need to be your best friend, as long as they’re a forthcoming partner, things can still work beautifully.
yeah I also wouldn't say my s/o is my best friend either and have often felt like our relationship isn't "good enough" when I hear the "marry your best friend" advice.
@@hannahwitton I've had those nasty feelings crop up too... but forget that! I don't expect my partner to be the perfect human, we're just growing and figuring this all out together! ❤
I do think my spouse is one of my few best friends, that is something that evolved over time with mutual open and frequent communication about all kinds of things.
That communication and comittment has resulted in a happy, passively open marriage, based in the agreement that we keep communicating our emotions, desires, wants and intent for ourselves and/or towards potential new partners and that physical protection has to be used if either of us decide to explore sexual interests with others.
Maintaing any kind of relationship is an active process and has to be as mutable and adaptable as life itself.
What works for me now, might not work three days, three months or three decades down the line, and whatever works in one relation can't be directly presumed to work for another as we all have more or less differences in the context that make us who we are.
True, it's very important to care for friendships alongside romantic relationships, if your partner is your best (and only?) friend then who will support you outside of that relationship? And pick you up if the romantic relationship doesn't work out? This also relates to not being "everything" to your partner, because that will put a strain on the relationship and demand too much of the other person. So it's important to strive to have other close relationships in addition to your partner that can help you all stay healthy and happy.
It’s so interesting and cool how different peoples relationships are and all are right and functional.
My partner started as my best friend. Now I wouldn’t say that. He’s one of my biggest confidants and supports but not necessarily my best friend. And I am so good with that. We work and have a healthy happy relationship so why put pressure on it to be more. It’s okay to fit different needs with different people in your life.
I also experienced such guilt the first time I felt physically attracted to a person other than my boyfriend. I never acted on it, but I ended up telling my partner in tears. Thank goodness he was waaaay more emotionally advanced than me and told me it was absolutely normal. yes, I know how lucky I am :)
You expect too much of yourself , I agree with the concept of polyamory but not the practice of it for this reason,
I am a gemini , a free spirit , we are capable to feel for more than just the one , even when we love just the one, not any of us were born to feel for just the one, you shouldnt feel guilty for being human that would be ridiculous , good to read he reacted like he did , we as humans may live a one man one woman lifestyle called monogamy as a choice but our biology certainly is NOT like that
I remember hearing someone (in the context of explaining polyamory) talk about how there are a lot of movies and shows for kids where the only child is worried that their parents will love them less once there’s 2 kids, and the whole moral is that your parents love for your sibling doesn’t take away from their love for you. And then they were just saying that if that’s true for parents and children, why can’t it be true for romantic relationships as well? Ties in really well with your last point
Yeah I hear that from polyam people too! the heart has room for more love!
+ + + + + THIS
My boyfriend and I (6.5 years together now) have always naturally just texted each other where we are and what we're up to ever since we started dating. Having to be long-distance for the majority of our relationship (mainly me going away for college) and not being able to spend a lot of time together (and also not really being into regular phone calls) has been a big part of this never feeling like a possessive, toxic trait of our relationship. We're just genuinely curious what the other person is up to and want to make sure they get to their destination safely, especially since I walk on busy roads a lot and accidents happen. I feel like if I tell people that we do this, they think it's really weird and controlling, but it always just made sense to us and has never felt negative! Always curious what people think of this topic. Thanks for making another great video Hannah!
That completely makes sense! Sending updates because you want to and it being mutual is very different to it being a one-sided expectation/demand!
My partner and I have the same. We have been long distance for 3 years now. We rarely ever need to ask where the person is cause we just share that information freely and when we ask it is never a jealously thing just a curiousity thing. We text each other everyday cause we just like to talk all the time lol
Same for me and my boyfriend as we hour and half away form each other. So all we have is texts and when we busy we just say it not to worry each other
Doing the same here and done it the hole time. Still in a long distance relationship here and this last year been harder then normal when our long distance goes over 2 different countries. But allsaw had a relationship I ended fast because he wanted to know everything and where I went for walks and who I meet when I was shopping and stuff. It's the difference between when the partner ask or you just say what you are up to thats the important part
So lucky!
yes to everything in this video! sick of society claiming you need to be in a romantic relationship to have a fulfilling life, acting like its the end goal of life to have a partner and get married and have kids. Life can be fulfilling and valuable with or without those things, and you don't need to be linked with another person forever just to have meaning in your life
"You'll change your mind when you're older."
I mean, maybe. But don't try and neg people over their lack of desire to have a marriage or kids.
I've always known I want kids, but I don't know if I want to do it _with_ someone. I know that wouldn't be easy... I'll just have to see where my life ends up...
@@Isellsimpsandsimpaccessories That's so annoying. How can they possibly think they know that? As far as I'm concerned with similar issues, I've gotten "You may well" rather than "You will" which I much prefer. It is reasonable to let people know they might not always feel the same, especially if they're young, but trying to act like you know anything for sure about what _they will feel_ is just _ridiculous!_
@@conlon4332 I usually tell them something very rude and insensitive right back at them. And then hammer home that they're doing something incredibly rude.
A child is not a gift. It is a huge responsibility and a financial burden. It is not like giving your kid a puppy and then taking care of it more than they do. This is serious.
@@Isellsimpsandsimpaccessories I'm in my mid 30s and I'm single for my whole life and I'm happy. And I didnt changed my mind. My life is great but people wont accept that
Hannah spittin truths once again.
"Sneaking into your bedroom and watching you sleep..." that made me do a double take because I thought "That is incredibly specific..." then I realized what the reference was and laughed.
hahaha
whats the reference
@@patrickwoods4289 I _believe_ it's Twilight, although I couldn't be sure.
@@conlon4332 ok thanks
@@conlon4332 exactly what I thought 😂
8:56 “We have so many different needs and expecting one person to fulfill them all for us is just a recipe for disaster.” I feel this is at the core of polyamory, and to any healthy relationship structure. Thank you Hannah.
This was so interesting because in my relationship we just kinda naturally came to all these conclusions, and it's always worked really well for us. But there have been some struggles in lockdown and we couldn't really figure out why - and what you said about people filling your needs has really explained it. When you're used to having different people fulfilling different needs, being stuck with only each other is a whole different dynamic. So thanks for this, definitely food for thought!
My boyfriend and I talk about this all the time! It is so empowering to realise that you can make your own rules. You put it all so articulately! :-)
This is such an important video! I can't wait to massively share it among friends!
I get really hate myth 3, it's been one I've bought into and have had a lot of problems because of... I would say that it's impossible for one person to be EVERYTHING for somebody. We expect a romantic partner to be the love our life, our best friend, our therapist, someone we share all hobbies with and we expect them to fulfill every need. Sexual, emotional etc... I used to think the relationship wasn't good enough unless we could do anything and everything together. Such bullshit!
it really is such bullshit
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ?
if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ?
if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
love the video. another thing i find so important as a pansexual person is that i need to be able to openly talk about all my attractions without being fetishised, like in a previous relationship any mention of a crush i had on a woman* would lead to rally inappropriate questioning (hello toxic masculinity) that made me massively uncomfortable and lead to me breaking up (as i should've lol)
people shouldnt be so rude , it's when people give unwanted comments and judge people , when its about politics , sexuality, infidelity or religious views that it drives it underground and you just dont say anything , keep secrets or just lie, read the comments on polyamory for example (it's not my lifestyle choice but I can understand the concept) disgusting , weird, burn them on the stake , put them on an island , closet cheaters , sl*ts, etc. etc. what you may read is really unbelievable once you deviate from the norm
@Hannah Witton Could you do a video on staying childfree by choice? I think many couples and women feel pressured about making kids even if kids are not a thing they want to chose. This is sort of the same concept as Monogamy. Its coming from the bible and is this a huge stigma that not many overcome out of pressure from others. I was at my Father in Laws funeral today and an oncle just came up to me and asked us (2 years married, 10 years together) if we are in the process of getting pregnant soon... That is just not a thing you should ask. I am not sure if i want children right now and these questions make me feel anxious.
I'd recommend checking out Hannah's podcast episode with Leena Norms where they cover this topic!
@@isabellec7144 Oh i did not know she already covered the topic. But can i listen to the podcast without subscriptions?
@@woolypuffin392 Hi, you need to subscribe to a podcast channel, this could be Spotify or Global player for example
@@beckyt8698 I dont have money for them 😫
xs_ fox if you’re on Apple, it’s on the podcasts app, series 2 (4th March) of Doing It! with Hannah Witton. (It’s free!)
I see the 'the relationship always comes first' as problematic when it comes to abusive relationships as it can guilt the abused into staying and them putting themselves second.
Indeed.
The idea that "love can solve it all" can so end up being so toxic. I am glad you are initiating these conversations. I wish these were part of some school curriculum so that most teenagers don't end up being emotionally abused in a relationship early on. I think we often forget that one size cannot fit all and we need to bend the rules to suit our needs. Like any other aspect of life, relationships have to be customized based on the individuals involved.
Thanks for this balanced and considerate video Hannah! Often when I hear people talk about polyamory/monogamy it comes across like they are attacking monogamy and acting like we're all brainwashed idiots which is frustrating. So I love how you discuss this in a less black and white way, allowing people to question things but always understanding and respecting people's choices.
My parents split when i was six, and i have a marriage going eleven years strong, and we have a few rules we hammered out early. One, constant open communication. Share with each other, and share often, we dont know what we dont know. Two, keep disagreement between the two of you, because when you add other people they have other motives to get involved, and it becomes a war of options. Rule three, when friction happens, hash it put ASAP, then put it to bed. No bringing up past arguments to win present ones. There is no winning, but resolving. If you keep bringing something up that happened ages ago, it isnt really resolved, is it? And that becomes a wedge that drives you further apart.
My relationship with myself is “it’s complicated”
I think way to many people feel that these days. I'm sorry.
What you said about a partner not needing to fulfil all social needs is so true. There’s such a stigma on having separate friendship groups when in actual fact it makes sense to have a space where you are enjoying something you don’t need to share with your partner/they can’t give you
One of the things that really sold me about my now-husband when we were dating was when I was worrying about what we were *supposed* to do and he like and he said "it's our relationship. We make the rules." It was so freeing!
your husband is so right , don't let other people tell you with their comments, opinions or morals how you should run your life , tell them if needs be to mind their own business
Thank you for spreading awareness about this! These myths almost broke my first relationship. I constantly looked for flaws, and of course I found plenty. When I realised that the flaws were a natural part of every relationship and that we do whatever feels best for us, I finally became content. I never looked back.
I've been in open and monogamous relationships before, the similarities and differences are fascinating to me. For me personally I think there's more differences between relationships than relationship styles. Earlier in lockdown my current (monogamous) partner started making jokes about being jealous because I had a series of dreams that I was dating a celebrity, and thought about them a lot when awake too, and it was funny at first but eventually I had to say "can we have a serious conversation about this because I know you're partly joking but I don't think it's fair for you to hold this against me". It was really productive, we listened to each other and my partner agreed to stop making the jokes and in turn I toned down all the jokes I had been making (probably in unconscious retaliation) about that celebrity and how much I fancied them. However I stand by fancying and crushing on other people and not having to keep it a secret to save anyone's feelings! That doesn't work for me and just makes me resentful of my lovely partner.
you don't HAVE TO share all your thoughts and feelings with your partner but it's a good thing when you can , but it always remains your prorogative whether or not you will, you are a separate indivual after all
My dad's former boss complained to his coworkers/employees a few times about his wife having dreams that he cheated on her and waking up mad at him and taking it out on him. I thought that sounded really fucked up. They probably should've had a talk like that about her dreams.
Myth number 4 is sold to you and in my first serious relationship it was like being slapped in the face realising love does not conquer all and I began to realise ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’ if you cannot meet on mutual grounds in terms of practical compatibility! However I’m so glad I eventually realised that and have definitely taken it forward to my current relationship!
I always assumed I'd eventually want to get married to one person and have kids with them because "that's what you do", but it never happened. I'd always get crushes on multiple people and feel like a horrible person and something was wrong with me for wanting more than one partner. I was in my twenties before I realised that having multiple partners was a viable option. Before that I thought it was just something they did on TV for the drama, and it always ended in them having to "pick one".
Oh, how I hate tv portrayal of loving multiple people, that it's a bad thing and you have to choose. Like, I get that that won't work for everyone, but it's at least worth _considoring!_ (Edit: for clarity, considering being in a relationship with both of them. I realised that wasn't as clear as it might be.)
maybe you should read more about open relationships and polyamory and find the right path for you , just be happy , good luck
Since entering a polyamourous relationship, there are a lot of toxic relationship ideals that i've noticed that i never even noticed before. I've had so many people tell me I'm weird or wrong or what I'm doing is unethical. I have two healthy relationships both of which I'm very happy in, how could that possibly be bad or somehow unethical? we're all happy. Just because it challenges your ideals and makes you uncomfortable doesnt make it wrong, I'm not hurting anyone.
I've watched toxic monogamy destroy families. This topic is so important. Thank you!
people expectations can be too high a recipe for disaster
Remembering that love and affection comes in abundance is so important in any kind of relationship, not just a romantic one!
This video really opened my eyes. I feel like if looking with a critical view all of these myths would obviously be, well, myths. It is interesting to see how much i had set these as a fact in my head.
Such a good video i will be sharing this to my friends!
people should love and accept each other for who they truly are , not a romantic version of you in their head that;s not real love , is it ?
if you cut yourself whilst peeling a potato you are the one who's finger is bleeding not your partner
As someone on the ace spectrum all these expectations that come with toxic monogamy culture have been the hardest to deal with.. it can be hard to explain to other people but you put it into words so well! I'm still learning to decouple my self-worth from having the 'perfect' complete package of a monogamous relationship (which I know I will never have) and I really really hope that there will be better education about sex/relationships in the future, esp at schools. You're doing important work!!
Omg I just commented something in the same vein, I’m also ace and used to be terrified of relationships because what if I couldn’t give a romantic partner everything they wanted
@@erica25 Yes exactly! Glad I'm not alone
That was a huge issue in my first marriage. My first spouse deeply believed that marriage means all needs are perfectly satisfied to each partner's satisfaction automatically and for sex that wasn't the case. We had a very large difference in libido with mine being higher and my ex found that insulting and "by masturbating because I don't want to have sex then you are saying that I'm not good enough."
@@DanielleWhite well... I'd say it was that attitude that exposed them as "not good enough".
I hope your current life choises meet your needs and wants a lot better :)
I would love to see you have a conversation with Kat Blaque about relationships!
I did a podcast episode with her - on my podcast "Doing It"!
@@hannahwitton oh my gosh I will have to go listen!
I can't split my emotions like that. I can only be with one person, however, my fiance and I are friends first, there is absolutely no fighting, and I believe in maintaining who we are even when we are together. I do not try to pressure him into changing and he does not pressure me into changing. And this works for us. I learned everything I know about relationships from a friend and it works. Most say that not fighting is not healthy. Fighting is damaging and unnecessary. There is nothing that cannot be talked about, not shouted. Louder does not make anyone right. It just makes them look bad. And neither of us want to be passed around or shared. We enjoy us.
I agree, if it comes to fighting, it means something is broken in how the people in a relationship communicates. Often by projecting expectations on eachother and getting upset when those expectations fail as the expectee never told the partner(s) what they wanted or needed of their partner(s) and presumes an intentional slight instead of acknowledging the fact that however much we think we know eachother, no human can read thoughts.
My partner and I are very much genuine normies, yet I enjoy understanding how much this IS genuine, and not that we conform to some deeprooted norms we may have absorbed. Thanks for exploring all of those subjects (and for helping my English!)
Omg this. Yes yes yes. It took me so long to get to a healthy point with my brand of monogamy. Like. This is exactly everything I feel, articulated; I want so badly to be able to show this video to my future kids when they hit a stage where they're focused on relationships because SO IMPORTANT!!!!
This is another level of emotional education, Hannah! I loved it, I think we face in our lives a lot of people with such unrealistic , inmature, close minded and traditional expectations, maybe we have accomodated ourselves to those, and it shouldn't be like that... thank you
This is something that would be great to have a long conversation about, and yet I'm stuck in the youtube comment section.
I find it quite funny how the caption at 6:30 says ‘that first conversation was so hot’ not ‘hard’😂 It goes completely against your meaning😂
As someone who grew up on this platform through out my teenage years I was lucky enough to understand many of these ideas before ending up in a relationship. And I think having this kind of education is so important because it's meant that there's so much more comfortable communication between me and my partner than what I observe in others. Additionally, I think rejecting these toxic ideas comes from having a lot of self confidence, as I've noticed (in predominantly females) that people play into these ideas more because they're so unsure of who they are and feel like they need a relationship to complete them. If only we were taught the ways to work on ourselves before it was shoved down our throats that you "need a boy to complete you" 😷 We should be allowed to explore and experiment completely openly and honestly, but so many of us are afraid of being judged by the toxic standards that society sets.
Not all people cheat in monogamy !!
It's okay to feel jealous, it's wrong to make that your partners fault
Hi friends, wanna get your two cents on something:
Having been in a relationship a few years back, one of the things I struggled with was the fact that my partner was polyamarous, and it wasn't the fact that they were polygamous, but more that they would fetishise and obsess over thier latest crush. Despite having had conversations about how this intensity was hurting me, but also saying that the liking others at the same time wasn't the issue.
And I've been wrestling with whether my actions were right/healthy, and was my feelings of hurt justified (and what was the reason I was feeling hurt) but also whether the feelings of being hurt were themselves natural at all.
And what i should aim to do if this situation were to happen again.
This is such an important video, wish I could send this back in time to me, and my friends
The idea of love conquering all really hit me as I just went through a breakup whereby this definitely was tested. My partner was older than me and was strongly religious, down the line it was difficult to navigate as we realized that we wouldn't agree on how to raise kids because of different religious/political beliefs
This is what I've been preaching to everyone around me for YEARS and now I can just show them this brilliant video. THANK YOU!
Love this video! I used to hold so many of these unconscious biases to my chest in my first relationship to the point where it basically ruined it and my ex had to step away. It's something I'm glad I've moved past now. There's far too much toxic monogamy out there atm
Pleasantly surprised at the amount I learn and realize about the topics Hannah presents. This is a reassuring and genuine video. Great work.
I LOVE how you want to learn and empathize with all these different types of feelings even if you yourself only experience a few of these feelings.
Sharing this with my polycule/polyam group of friends. ☺️ Thanks so much for making this!
Great video. In my relationships I only have one rule, honesty. Be honest with yourself and others. Expect the same from others. Have the difficult conversations and do not be afraid to be vulnerable. I've found the relationship smorgasbord mentioned to be a great tool.
I think a really interesting experience I once had was my partner abusing monogamy. In the sense that he would make demands for me to follow in our relationship meanwhile the same rules didn't apply to him. An example was the 'not having feelings for anyone but me' complex. I'm not a very sexual person but I develop crushes on almost everyone XD I can have these feelings completely separate from a desire to be intimate with them. When I told my partner about PAST crushes I had he would get upset because he wasn't the only person I had feelings for. And this was regarding crushes I had before meeting him. It made me keep my feelings towards others to myself out of fear of him being reactionary. Ironically enough, the relationship ended when he admitted to cheating on me. Basically all the rules he put on me he was breaking all along. Basically as toxic masculinity as you can get. Taught me valuable lessons that I want to retain some independence in my next relationships. I'll never let myself get caught in that situation again.
thanks for sharing. I am glad that you were able to get a positive lesson out of the situation you described.
That should now be added your red flags in dating. A person who demands only to have feeling for them, not others, can not be the right partner for YOU. maybe for others, but not you. NEXT! 😄 much love to you ♥️
That’s not masculine. Inability to stay true to your word and lack integrity is just qualities of a irresponsible person. His double standards are indicative of a toxic personality, not toxic masculinity.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
it's called being controlling and being controlling isnt love is it ? not that someone who loves you can not be controlling or a bit possessive
Thank you thank you for making this video. I feel so incredibly isolated when thinking of my views on monogamy. I cannot imagine being able to find a partner who could meet all my needs at the same time, I cannot imagine expecting someone to be everything for me like that and being happy. For me actually my least favorite part of being in a relationship is how other people treat me. It’s like the second I tell people I’m in a relationship it’s like they completely lose interest in me and who I am. I can almost see whatever interest they had in me die in their eyes, regardless of what relationship we had prior. I tell my friends and suddenly they no longer have anything interesting to say. Now that I think about it my relationships are kinda sad if that’s all they value in me... huh
This video would have 100% benefitted me 10 years ago trying to navigate my first serious relationship. Whenever I had a new male friend my boyfriend at the time would obsess over it and be adamant that they fancied me. And if they did, I would talk to the friend about it, establish the boundaries of "I'm in a relationship and don't return your romantic feelings but I still want to be your friend" and then would ultimately lose out on the friendship because either that friend decided they only wanted me romantically and nothing else, or I would tell my boyfriend and he would be proud of himself (red flag I should have acted on sooner) and guilt me into not hanging out with the friend anymore.
Yes, yes, yes!
Brilliant video Hannah, on such an important topic. One of my best friends is ace, you can imagine how this attitude towards monogamy can be expecially harmful for them, since oftentimes people devalue every other human connection that is not "" love"". I'll send immediately this video to them, seems like one of our conversations!
Relationship Requirements:
1. Communication
2. Trust
Numbers 1 & 2 are interchangeable...but both are absolutely required...without them you cannot have a good relationship.
I have been saying #1 for AGES - having feelings for someone else doesn’t matter, it’s your conscious choice to stay with your partner that matters. Being in a monogamous relationship is a constant conscious choice!
That's all it is. You nailed it
Men can love unconditionally. Women it’s choice
@@jeffreywharton512 I didn’t mention anything about loving unconditionally, only about choosing to be in a relationship with another individual
@@barbaral3302 loving unconditionally is not a conscious choice! It becomes impossible to leave that person when you love them unconditionally. Initially it was maybe a choice to be with them but after you fall in love it’s not choice anymore. Even if I want to leave the girl I can’t because I love that girl unconditionally if overrides conscious thought. Women don’t love in a relationship they make it a conscious choice. There is actually a ton of research done on this. Of course women do have the ability to love their child. This of course is talking in generalities. Some women are capable of loving their husband unconditionally most likely a virgin that stayed with her first relationship.
@@jeffreywharton512 Okay~
I've always had a hard time explaining to people I've dated that I hadn't lost the love for them, but that it just wasn't working out for me. Now I can use this practical compatibility term to explain what it is that isn't working. Thanks for that! Also just thanks for being a voice on this topic. I definitely see all of these myths in my social groups and in my society.
As a single, introverted hopeless romantic this video was really helpful! Definitely agree with the idea that not everyone can fulfill my emotional/intellectual/physical needs. And of course love doesn’t conquer all, because I would like to be with a partner who gets me politically or spiritually.
Another assumption that has caused a lot of judgement from other people of me and my partner’s relationship: once someone cheats they are never to be trusted again and you’re a fool for working out the relationship.
This assumption has kept me from talking about my relationship with friends many times because I am afraid that they will judge me and my partner even though we truly have moved past the incident and grown SO much since.
I have no doubt that I’ve truly found my person but I often have friends question and devalue this big time if I tell them that my partner cheated once when we were in high school😔
I am not monogamous, but so many of my monogamous friends would be happier if they thought about these things instead of thinking that you are only allowed to question what parts of monogamy work for you personally if you are not monogamous
I love this because, despite personally preferring monogamous relationships, i know there are so many toxic ideas about monogamy from what it should mean in life to how people should behave in them. I have struggled personally with understanding how much my long-term relationship should take up in my life and what is normal or not normal. This video is so reassuring and non-judgemental, thank you!
I hope I remember to go back to this video when Im in a relationship and feeling all this things... becuase everything is making so much sense right now
You speak my mind so well why I have a major issue with monogamy today.
A lot of these myths you've mentioned are unfortunately still being glorified like wild fire. So many insecure people hold onto to these false ideals, and yet wonder why more and more people stray away or get flakey with monogamy.
A lot of things became clearer in my mind, in terms of being able to discuss them with other people. It's lovely to have your thought expressed through someone else's words! Thank you Hannah for being here this entire year! Happy 2021!
This video deeply soothed my soul & was so validating! Thank you for the incredible work you do, it is so appreciated ♥️
As someone who has been living a polyamorous life for the past 2 years, this is what I have been telling my monogamous friends. That there is much to learn how love can be seen and enjoyed. For me the most important to stop seeing everything as a zero-sum game, this change will give you the greatest benefit.
I recommend Dedeker Wilson's book "The smart girl's guide to Polyamory". It asks important questions than can help anyone have a better love, sex and relationship life. As ever, thank you Hannah for your excellent work. Marry Christmas :)
I want to say THANK YOU because you really bring such great, original content on TH-cam! When I see your notifications I literally can't wait to find some time to watch the new video. Thank you for being on TH-cam, you're one of the best creators on here.
This video was so refreshing! As someone who is exploring relationship anarchy for the first time it’s lovely to hear you talk about this subject so openly! 🌿
This is so important and interesting. Brought up some things that I never realised before - so thank you! ❤❤
I feel so fortunate. My parents are monogamous and they don't want anything or anyone else in their life. Yet they never believed or "practiced" (for lack of a better word) any of these toxic monogamy standards.
I got to see toxic monogamy only outside of my family when I heard friends say things like "being jealous means you really love someone." And I would just sit there and be like: "what the heck are you talking about? My parents have been together for years and they would never ever say or believe that."
Honestly I feel so lucky that my family is like that. To have such a healthy example of a monogamous relationship is priceless! ❤
Thanks for making this video. It's amazing and helpful to many people. 😊
👏👏👏 I have been looking forward to a Hannah Witton video on this topic! Thank you so much for sharing your vantage point. Brilliant.
This video was a good refresher on healthy relationships. It can be very easy to fall into some of these, or to feel insecure because these myths can be so deep-rooted in us even if we consciously do not think them to be true. I was in a toxic monogamous relationship that ended up turning into a controlling/stalking situation, and although that's an extreme, it really woke me up to where these myths can sometimes lead.
The expectation that one person fulfills all our needs is the one that really gets me. Think about being on the other end of that. I don't want my partner to be entirely reliant upon me - that seems like so much pressure!
I remember once my boyfriend and I were talking about one of his friends, basically he’s a super shy guy and was struggling to find a partner because he kept to himself so much. I said something alone the lines of “that’s his only problem because he’s a good looking guy, he would have no problems in that category if he put himself out there.” I then apologized and said “and I don’t mean that in a bad way to you don’t take that to heart” and my bf bless his soul just laughed and said “you know you’re allowed to have eyes right?”
Personally after we were open to each other about that, I would find it almost insulting if he were to say the typical “I don’t see anyone but you”. I get the sentiment behind it but it bothers me because I know that’s not true. It’s possible to find other people attractive and not feel the urge of “I need to date them” but it’s not possible that every other woman is now ugly in your eyes because you’re committed to me. That sort of thing has always rubbed me the wrong way.
Your content in the past year or so has been some of your best ever! Great video 👌
I wish that every single human being i know could watch, understand and absorb this video. This is the content i am here for.
Thank you for making this video! As someone who doesn't identify much with monogamy, I've struggled with pretty much all of these, but especially the first one.
As someone who has crushes all the time based on people's aesthetics or art/tastes for instance have made me wonder whether I "loved" my partner. It's ridiculous and even harmful to expect that everyone's goal in life is to find a partner for life and stop being an autonomous individual.
Thanks for making this content from a monogamous perspective! I often think this will reach more people than when a non monogamous person makes it
As far as 'love conquers all' I think it's a matter of priorities. If you do always have your relationship as your first priority, maybe it can, and maybe that can work for some people, but that's not how most people's lives work, and that is more than ok. It's up to you to decide your priorities.
Thank you for this video! In some ways it was affirming but mostly it made me look at myself harder and recognize where I’ve been letting these societal expectations get to me and mess with my relationship. Thank you
So for some reason I didn't pick up on the norm of monogamy naturally, and have found it super weird! It is so refreshing to see people talk abt it, as I sometimes feel quite alone with my held beliefs. thank you for a good video
Hannah, I've been following you for quite a few years now... I'd like to say how much I admire your work and how grateful I am to have learned so much from you so far. As somebody who is currently questioning a lot how I want to manage my future relationships, I found this video insightful and preciously informative. I've got some more food for thoughts... Thank you and I wish you all the best!
Wow Hannah, thank you so much for this video. I guess I’ve always had these thoughts in my head but didn’t know how to put them into words and you did it wonderfully. Thank you so much 😍
As an aroace person, I found this video extremely interesting! The whole time i was thinking: i can platonically love as many people as i can, and no one would view that as bizarre or bad, but when it's a romantic/sexual partner, thats when people think it's weird. Obviously, i've never loved someone romantically, but I have a feeling that allo's are able to romantically/sexually love more than one person too!
Just to add: the way our society values and upholds romantic/sexual relationships makes it extremely difficult (or at least much harder than it should be) to imagine how my life will play out without a romantic/sexual partner (or a partner of any kind). Thanks for making this video Hannah! It's very lovely and informative :)
Yes so true! Why are romantic/sexual relationships the only ones we expect/force to be exclusive??
I am very aware of how much value is placed on whether you're in a relationship. It's a load of... hu-hm... rubbish, and I hope you know you're not worth any less! I hope you have a good life and don't feel too left out by society. I know things can be hard for aro/ace people - not because of them, but because of what people expect of them.
It's hard out here for aspec people. We don't have any mainstream model for relationships that takes our needs into account
@@pythonjava6228 What does aspec mean?
@@conlon4332 it means people who are on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrum! it's just an easier/shorter term for this because there are a load of different identities under the aromantic/asexual umbrella!
Such an eye-opening video. Thank you so much! I think one of the deepest trauma for someone who is cheated on is the betrayal of trust. Understanding this would actually encourage more honest and open-minded conversations about perhaps having affections for more than one person at the same time and help avoid deception. I myself have wondered about this my entire life as I definitely have experienced love for more than one person at the same time, but have also been deeply hurt by my ex's long-term and repeating infidelity.
I think this is the best video I’ve ever watched, much value in the information you’re giving, I’m married and you have given me so much relief, thanks
I have heard that divorce rates in the USA have increased by 30% since COVID hit. I couldn’t understand why but you telling us your experience Hannah gave me an insight on the reason that is so.
Thank you so much for this video. It really makes me think differently about my own value in my relationship, and my husband’s. I have been struggling with that lately and this was so helpful
I was in a romantic relationship this past year and I put sooo much value on it. It felt like the most important relationship in my life. We're told to search for a partner and then you'll be happy and life will be fulfilled. Sure, I loved my relationship, but those expectations became harmful. After the breakup, I devalued myself; I wasn't good anymore for not being partnered. I didn't want to be single because I felt less-than. WTF - why are we taught to feel like shit about this?
I've taken time to reflect and I'm in a better place emotionally now but omg, I felt like shit for being single. Because my relationship "failed." But it didn't fail. We both learned and both wanted different things that couldn't be changed ie Practical Compatibility.
Thanks for talking about this!!! There's so much to unlearn and grow from in all types of relationships.
17 year old me needed to watch this but 21 year old me is still very grateful for learning the hard way. Regardless, this is really good content and I am taking notes.
Realising that you and your partner don't have to be everything for each other is really empowering. You don't have to pretend to like or enjoy something your partner does, you can suggest they do it with a friend who shares that interest, and that's great!
It took a lot of pressure off my shoulders to realise I don't have to pretend to want to do things just because my partner does. (Like skydiving) And he doesn't have to pretend to like musicals, which I adore.
It was a life changing day for me when I came across the idea that poly was something you are rather than something you do a lot of things started making a lot more sense to me.
Having said that I've been in a couple open relationships now and have had toxicity from friends and enemies alike from all corners. Obviously some were expected but others really came out of nowhere
people are judgmental , it is NORMAL< NATURAL and HUMAN to feel attracted in many ways to more than just the one even if you love just the one,
and with people having an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend ex wife or ex husband even love is not exclusive is it ?
considering having a crush as emotional cheating sounds restrictive, repressive , everything has a label nowadays , sickening
who do people think they are to judge others and give their unwanted comments ? comments that you didnt ask for , let them keep their comments to themselves
I want to send this video to all of my friends. Gosh, this is so important!
I used to think people jumping from one relationship to the next were just afraid to be alone. I was like "there is no way they like ALL of those people"... especially without a break?! Like my assumptions was; they would either not really like their partner anymore but afraid to leave them until they found someone else, OR they'd just settle for a new person without actually having feelings for them because they don't want to be alone... Once I learned about the ace spectrum (and that I'm definitely on there) I was like ohhhhh wait. That was real? Sorry my bad. xD So yeah, love that you pointed that out here. I definitely agree I don't think it's anyone's fault that you have feelings, it's about how you handle those feelings. I feel like people don't take responsibility for their actions just because they had feelings or it was "heat of the moment". Then don't put yourself in that position and have some respect for your partner. Communication is everything.
very pleased to watch this video and learn that my relationship is not toxically monogamous at all! hahahaha and I 1000% know that's because of how we started dating. We both got out of long term, toxic relationships the year before, and had already been friends for 8 years prior. We had enough of all the bullshit of those previous relationships and had spent time with and on ourselves in that year before, so out the gate set our boundaries, openly discussed anything and everything, and learned how to communicate with each other what we need and want and how to compromise where we can. I think we are also both highly independent, and realists, and so we understand the importance of when the other person really does need each other. Absolutely there are and have still been learning opportunities but I'm really glad to know that we have already been naturally practicing things that go against these myths.... but also it is a little scary how commonly I see these toxic traits happening around me as well... I couldn't imagine being back in that toxic relationship again. It's all about open honest communication! As an aside though, that last one mentioned, the "love is in short supply" one (which I agree with you Hannah there is care in abundance!), what my partner and I HAVE found is that our love and care always remains in abundance, but our social energy ebbs and flows, and we've had to learn how to communicate that with one another and negotiate what kind of affection/attention we need when we need (Ie: just being in the same room with each other, physical contact/cuddles, having a conversation about the day, etc.). I loved this video!!