I worked at a childcare centre where a family brought 2 kids for the after school program. The boy who was older was autistic and extremely sensitive and aggressive. His sister was put in the position of being his surrogate Mom despite being smaller and younger. Of course it was an impossible task. The parents clearly favored their son. Dad wore t shirts that said " I love my autistic child ". The daughter was scolded for not sufficiently caring for her brother. Too often the NTs in the relationship or family are forgotten. This breeds resentment and often ends the relationship all together.
Siblings really do get "lost" sometimes, and it's super important to recognize and meet their needs, as well. Parents rarely mean to minimize the needs of their NT children, or to focus to much attn on their AS children, but it's a common thing to occur. I've seen this happen in my own family even though I am aware of it. My son has struggled with being the NT younger sib. At times, he's been developmentally more mature than his older sister. It's hard for him to see all the "awareness" and accommodations we make for her! I have to be very careful not to expect more of him, and to recognize how tough it is for him at times.
One thing I've noticed with Aspies is we're often trapped in a social no man's land:- not normal enough to be socially successful, yet not handicapped enough to attract sympothy in a way that actuall disadvantaged individuals would. The result is that we're often the most unpopular colleague, schoolkid or member of any other group there is. We often don't understand why we're singled out or disliked, and try everything to change that situation. A boss I used to work for:- I just could never please him no matter what I did or said to mend things. Eventually he fired me. He has since bumped into me on several occasions and smiled and said hi. I refused to even speak to him.....and am still angry with him. I rang him up and told him not to speak with me if he bumps into me, as I may do something silly if he does. I explained that I'm not normal, and that I'm still angry with him. I don't forget things......and don't forgive workplace abuse. Thanks for your videos.......they are awesome 😊
Thank you for your comments here, John. I'd like to invite you to my private FB coaching group - the link is in the description of my page here. The group is made of both NT and AS individuals, some in relationships, but some are single. We focus on education, growth, and discover. I can see that your input would be valuable, and I hope we might have something to add to your life as well.
This is so important. Since diagnosis 4 years I've come to realize that my theory of mind is better than most people on the spectrum, but that it mostly a huge draw back. My parents for instance, have very very little theory of mind capability. But I am bothered by a host of self consciousness, moral worries, how I'm perceived by others worries, that I'm Sure have Never crossed the minds of my parents. I think theory of mind, too much of it with autism may lead to actually worse outcomes in some cases.
This sounds more of a light-bulb moment for you than it is for us. That’s not a criticism, more an observation that while there is much to gain by being curious about the needs and perspectives of others this doesn’t ‘solve’ the problem we face building and maintaining relationships. And a lot of therapists I’ve met seem surprised (and sometimes offended) when their chosen insight isn’t as life changing as they assume it should be. Autism is not a deficiency in understanding or skills, although many autistic people might be less practiced than the neurotypical norm, but even armed with a socially curious mind (and host of skills) many of us still fundamentally think differently. Just because ‘we know’ someone thinks and feels differently doesn’t mean we can see things from their perspective, especially not in real-time. With reflection and discussion we can often find the common ground, but it’s not instinctive nor (in my 50+ years of practice) can it be learned such that it is no longer a problem.
Thank you for your comment. Here's the thing....those with autism (as well as those who are NTs) have very different skill sets, levels of insight, and and degrees of curiosity (along with the host of other skills you mention). This video is not intended for individuals (such as yourself) who have already recognized that others have a different perspective than themselves - it is for individuals who still haven't come to that awareness. No one video that I create will apply to all individuals with autism, but this one applies to many based on the hundreds of folks that I've met with autism. When I have seen that light bulb go off for them, it's truly life-altering, and it really does lay the foundation for solving the problem of building and maintaining relationships - because relationship skills aren't native to ANYONE, not just individuals with autism (although those with autism truly have more difficulty with this - I'd disagree with you there. Autistic individuals absolutely think and feel differently than NTs....neither is "right" or "wrong," but it's imperative that each learn to translate the other for any relationship to work. I agree that the NT language will never become instinctive to someone with autism, nor will the autistic language become instinctive to an NT...but I have seen couples find the common ground and develop fulfilling relationships - I wouldn't be doing what I do if I hadn't seen it and if I didn't believe in it.
@Lila The onus is on BOTH partners to be aware of the communication differences, and BOTH partners to drop assumptions and expectations. Each partner must seek clarity, and be curious about exchanges…"what do you mean when you say __________, because it means _________ to me…" Etc…. No one partner is responsible for for clear communication - it takes two.
Love the Theory of Mind part 🏔️
I worked at a childcare centre where a family brought 2 kids for the after school program. The boy who was older was autistic and extremely sensitive and aggressive. His sister was put in the position of being his surrogate Mom despite being smaller and younger. Of course it was an impossible task.
The parents clearly favored their son. Dad wore t shirts that said " I love my autistic child ". The daughter was scolded for not sufficiently caring for her brother.
Too often the NTs in the relationship or family are forgotten.
This breeds resentment and often ends the relationship all together.
Siblings really do get "lost" sometimes, and it's super important to recognize and meet their needs, as well. Parents rarely mean to minimize the needs of their NT children, or to focus to much attn on their AS children, but it's a common thing to occur. I've seen this happen in my own family even though I am aware of it. My son has struggled with being the NT younger sib. At times, he's been developmentally more mature than his older sister. It's hard for him to see all the "awareness" and accommodations we make for her! I have to be very careful not to expect more of him, and to recognize how tough it is for him at times.
Thank you
I like your channel, very easy to comprehend
One thing I've noticed with Aspies is we're often trapped in a social no man's land:- not normal enough to be socially successful, yet not handicapped enough to attract sympothy in a way that actuall disadvantaged individuals would. The result is that we're often the most unpopular colleague, schoolkid or member of any other group there is.
We often don't understand why we're singled out or disliked, and try everything to change that situation.
A boss I used to work for:- I just could never please him no matter what I did or said to mend things. Eventually he fired me. He has since bumped into me on several occasions and smiled and said hi. I refused to even speak to him.....and am still angry with him.
I rang him up and told him not to speak with me if he bumps into me, as I may do something silly if he does. I explained that I'm not normal, and that I'm still angry with him. I don't forget things......and don't forgive workplace abuse.
Thanks for your videos.......they are awesome 😊
Thank you for your comments here, John. I'd like to invite you to my private FB coaching group - the link is in the description of my page here. The group is made of both NT and AS individuals, some in relationships, but some are single. We focus on education, growth, and discover. I can see that your input would be valuable, and I hope we might have something to add to your life as well.
@@JodiCarlton
Thank you.
I'll have a look at it🤓👍
You described it perfectly!
Wauh! Thank you! this is gold.
I would like to join a group or have one on one with you
This is so important. Since diagnosis 4 years I've come to realize that my theory of mind is better than most people on the spectrum, but that it mostly a huge draw back. My parents for instance, have very very little theory of mind capability. But I am bothered by a host of self consciousness, moral worries, how I'm perceived by others worries, that I'm Sure have Never crossed the minds of my parents. I think theory of mind, too much of it with autism may lead to actually worse outcomes in some cases.
Yes, overthinking about the perspective of others can certainly have it's drawbacks as well!!
This sounds more of a light-bulb moment for you than it is for us. That’s not a criticism, more an observation that while there is much to gain by being curious about the needs and perspectives of others this doesn’t ‘solve’ the problem we face building and maintaining relationships. And a lot of therapists I’ve met seem surprised (and sometimes offended) when their chosen insight isn’t as life changing as they assume it should be.
Autism is not a deficiency in understanding or skills, although many autistic people might be less practiced than the neurotypical norm, but even armed with a socially curious mind (and host of skills) many of us still fundamentally think differently.
Just because ‘we know’ someone thinks and feels differently doesn’t mean we can see things from their perspective, especially not in real-time. With reflection and discussion we can often find the common ground, but it’s not instinctive nor (in my 50+ years of practice) can it be learned such that it is no longer a problem.
Thank you for your comment. Here's the thing....those with autism (as well as those who are NTs) have very different skill sets, levels of insight, and and degrees of curiosity (along with the host of other skills you mention). This video is not intended for individuals (such as yourself) who have already recognized that others have a different perspective than themselves - it is for individuals who still haven't come to that awareness. No one video that I create will apply to all individuals with autism, but this one applies to many based on the hundreds of folks that I've met with autism. When I have seen that light bulb go off for them, it's truly life-altering, and it really does lay the foundation for solving the problem of building and maintaining relationships - because relationship skills aren't native to ANYONE, not just individuals with autism (although those with autism truly have more difficulty with this - I'd disagree with you there. Autistic individuals absolutely think and feel differently than NTs....neither is "right" or "wrong," but it's imperative that each learn to translate the other for any relationship to work. I agree that the NT language will never become instinctive to someone with autism, nor will the autistic language become instinctive to an NT...but I have seen couples find the common ground and develop fulfilling relationships - I wouldn't be doing what I do if I hadn't seen it and if I didn't believe in it.
@Lila The onus is on BOTH partners to be aware of the communication differences, and BOTH partners to drop assumptions and expectations. Each partner must seek clarity, and be curious about exchanges…"what do you mean when you say __________, because it means _________ to me…" Etc…. No one partner is responsible for for clear communication - it takes two.