Van Helsing (2004) is Lame! - Talking About Tapes
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2021
- Tony, Newt, and Crystal get October started with the most disappointing monster mash of all time, Van Helsing. In this Movie Review/Podcast they will talk about all the stuff in the film that they found lame. Like the horribly dated CGI, the forgettable monsters, and the poor attempts at action and comedy.
Sign up for Patreon to see our review of Van Helsing The London Assignment: / van-helsing-56991155
Famed monster slayer Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is dispatched to Transylvania to assist the last of the Valerious bloodline in defeating Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh). Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) reveals that Dracula has formed an unholy alliance with Dr. Frankenstein's monster (Shuler Hensley) and is hell-bent on exacting a centuries-old curse on her family. Together Anna and Van Helsing set out to destroy their common enemy, but uncover some unsettling secrets along the way.
Edited by Jessica Hickson
Werewolf hunter played by Trisha from Trisha's Italy
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Sign up for Patreon to see our review of Van Helsing The London Assignment: www.patreon.com/posts/van-helsing-56991155
I remember that I Frankenstein review where you said people with brain problems were the only people who enjoyed this movie lol
@Hack The Movies, love your shows and banter. Theres a few movies i think would be interesting to review and hear your commentary on: Annihilation, and The Mist.
Newt is creepy af
@Arcade Kaos I know they totally copied rental reviews it wasn't like it was Justin Silverman's idea 💡
Why the video is so dark???
We need to get Newt a black cowboy hat so he can complete his Jim Ross cosplay.
Omg that's what I thought too
It's a slobberknocker!
Or Jonah Hex JK JK 🙌🏼😂
Oof. You get a like from me only because I used to watch a lot of WWF and understood that reference.
Crystal would cosplay as Kane if she gets to set him on fire.
i'm here for the endless death glares that Crystal throws at Newt.
same 😂😂😂😂
Make that another same over here!
I mean... He is an annoying ****...
Call me crazy, you would think that Crystal hates Newt 🤣🤣🤣
@@TheThrill007 this aged well
Newt stares directly at Crystal. “I like heels.”
The whole audience - “We all know.”
Super missed Newt. Talk about tapes just isn't the same without him
What! This movie ain’t lame. It gets silly at times but I love it for that.
It's a great action adventure movie, I don't understand the hate
This movie is a hot mess, but it sure is fun to watch. The opening black and white sequence alone is worth the price of admission. Felt like one of the Universal Monster Crossover sequels.
I LOVED the black and white callback to the classics!
Seems like a good “so bad it’s good” movie to watch with friends. Kind of like “Showgirls”.
I thought it was a pretty good movie
Nah...
@@j.p.holiday8899 lmao you act like that changes anybody elses opinion😂😂 you can feel that way but it makes you look so stupid to just type “nah” I know for a fact you don’t have any real life friends
Twoface Newt is the best patreon bait yet.
Crystal got all her facts wrong about how the vampires get killed in this movie.
I kept wanting to yell 'THEY'RE CROSSBOW BOLTS, NOT ARROWS', and the carriage was full of stakes. The bride even says, "STAKES!" just before it hits the ground.
Also, it's painful watching people argue about logic in fantasy films.
I did ask the other two because I wasn't sure if I saw that wrong which is why tony asks to see the clip again
But your notes are usually pretty accurate. You really do seem to hate this movie's guts though.
@@kristiankapler1004 I usually pay more attention to movies but I was really tired that night and Newt and Tony were driving me crazier than usual so I might have taken it out on the movie. I can only stand so much stupidity in 24 hours.
@@kristiankapler1004 She's a big hater
I absolutely LOVE this movie, no matter how much of a mess it is 😂
Did you see the animated sequel
I really liked this movie, idg wut they're talking about
they missed the part where they explained that the Werewolves only need the light of the full moon once as the transformation is permanent
Only an hour thing but 2 things you guys missed,
1.Crystal the carriage that blows up was full of silver stakes not bolts
2.They say multiple times the transformation becomes permanent after a specific time period.
they mention the boltsa are silver tipped and they didnt work before but they seemed to work when the carriage explodes
@@bigchiefsmackaho387 there's no bolts in the carriage though when it blows up. What kills the bride is the fire and stakes. Also you usually have to get a vampires heart with the silver, stake or spoon as long as it reaches their heart its fine
Glad Newt is ok. Prayers for continued healing. Didn't know anything was wrong. Poor guy is physically breaking down from carrying Hack The Movies all the time jk
Welcome back Newt! Honestly I wouldnt have known something happened if you hadn't said so. You look good man. Also Crystal is feisty in this episode.
Newt I just heard from the video. Im glad you're back brother. Remember youre good enough, youre smart enough and dog gone it, people like you. 👍
Jeez, I'd like to apologize to Newt. I'm pretty sure I wished that on him. Sorry dude.
Ill defend this movie
The thing this movie does right is to cement Van Helsing as a proper vampire hunter. And some of the outtakes are gold.
Tell that to the hammer Dracula films. Van Helsing is so cool in those movies.
100% agree
1:07:52 The moment in time where Crystal's soul left her body. She just looks utterly defeated by this flick.
Jessica's notes are funny. Not used to much, not used to little. Also it seems Crystal has gotten so much more comfy doing this now. Glad newt didn't end up like Conway the machine, although that would have been sorta cool? Atleast he would have street cred. Tony is always Tony, that's not a bad thing tho....
These 4 work very well with eachother. It's officially 5he hack the movies team, Jessica was the needed 4th wheel. I'm sure it's a better work flow so Tony isn't editing everything, also sure the whole film 18 episodes in a week thing before a long commercial like a radio station plays songs is much more manageable now.
The DVD had something in the code that would brick your [OG] Xbox if it had an xecuter 2 mod chip in it
I love this movie to death, in fact I watch it every Halloween season. It's like if a high school put on a Universal Monsters play but the budget was 100 million dollars. I cannot even express how much I love this movie. The overacting, the sketchy effects, all of it. Probably honestly watched it over 200 times now.
I'm sorry, 150 to 170 million dollars. My mistake.
I watch it every halloween as well.
I was just thinking something like that. How impressive would some of the CG be if you knew 3 sophmores made it. That disintegration scene, what a triumph!!!!
My condolences
I think this is the best synopsis possible 😆 I love love this movie
Great episode, I love it when you review horror movies! (this isn't what I would call an horror movie tbh, but close enough). Interestingly enough friars and priests were the pimps of medieval/renaissance Europe. They had money, fancy clothes and knew how to talk, plus they knew a little bit about medical science (what was considered medical science at the times anyway) so women went to them for counselling. We have historical trial transcripts where it turns out every women in the village was sleeping with the local priest. Btw celibacy was kind of a modern thing and not very enforced. Every priest had a wife or a woman he lived with (called the priestess)that everybody knew was his partner(and often went to her for advice instead of the priest) . After the Council of Trent things changed and became more strict, but that was in 1563 so relatively modern times
I love now Newt flips a coin now to decide what to do and think. Solid new persona
I'm not really sure how to feel about Crystal freaking out when Newt started singing. On one hand I'm like "He's just singing a song from the movie. I know it's your favorite movie, but it's just a movie. Chilllllllllll yo" but then I remember how I felt when I was a kid when people would do the same thing with the stuff I was into at the time (although they were doing it to make fun of me) and I felt the EXACT same way
I agree with Crystal, the concept seems great but the manner on how it was executed was not good
exactly
What were the problems? Idgi
I enjoyed Van Helsing. I had hoped that there would be sequels. They might have gotten even better as they went along.
Me too
Gotta correct Newt. Hugh Jackman did the voice of Wolverine in the Origins game. Mark Hamill had done the voice of Wolverine in the X2 game (and possibly others)
I need to know more about that Japansylvania idea. Missed you Newt
Crystal looks like she could get offended by her own farts!!!!
It made be a bad and cheesy movie, but damn do I love it. Fun Fact: in real life, The Actress who plays the dark haired bride is married to the Actor who played Dracula.
Did they get married after the movie? Or did they already know each other before?
@@bruhdon4748 after.
I really liked the movie, I don't understand the hate
The actor that played Dracula is married to one of the brides in real life lol the dark haired one if I remember
That was a great fact! You should come on the show one day!
watched van helsing and the mummy with Brendon Frasier so much on tv
Hey, how did you guys do the part where there were two Tonys towards the end of the video? (When second Tony is talking about McFarland Spawn figs)
Crystal to answer the whole arrows not killing them and then ends up at the chase killing one. The way the arrows impacted the 1st bride that got killed at first was aimed at the wings, stomach and shoulder. Then when he dipped it right in holy water then begin shooting straight at her chest (specifically at the heart) and the wings. He kept missing them while firing the Crossbow. Just thought I'd help
She mindlessly hates the movie
That moment when Jekyll comes-to as he's falling, and his terrified realization of what's happening... Poignant moment, friends.
Wait. I thought Van Helsing was the Angel Gabriel. Did I trip out and imagine that? Dracula explained it to him.
yes
If I had to guess (and I'm not sure), I'd say it was the Hammer horror series that introduced the idea of Van Helsing (and his descendants) being a vampire/monster hunter.
So is this Newts last episode?
Newt, I missed you being in videos! Welcome back sir. I hope you’re doing well, or at least feeling better.
Tony Jay plays the villain in the Disney Hunchback movie. That *automatically* makes it great.
Tony Jay isn't even in Van Helsing. I don't get why you said that........... Unless you meant to talk about a completely different film.
Also. Speaking Of Hunchback. Tony, Crystal, And Newt should really see about reviewing the Disney version of Hunchback at some point.
Given how amazing and super underrated the 96 Animated film is (Tony, if you read this, trust me man, you won't regret it).
@@dylansmith5206 Because Tony bad mouths the Disney Hunchback movie during this review. I'd give you a time code, but I really just don't care to watch the entire review to find it.
Okay, it's time for some Neil Breen reviews Tony!
Trisha AND Crystal in the same video!
Magnifica!!
44:38
I think it was Hammer who started the idea of Van Helsing being a professional vampire hunter. Peter Cushing's verauon was going after Dracula from his first scene.
1:38:40 No, Dracula was Judas Iscariot in Dracula 2000. It's no less dumb, though.
1:15 Just say no to the JAB Sorry I had to🤣
Alright this is the point where i have to say to get your dopamine and serotonin levels checked. And its only because i love you guys lol
Omg Newt you crack me up.I laughed when you plugged in randomly talk about games hahaha but that’s awesome lol.Definitely an enjoyable person lol.Please put hack the movies on blu ray !
Oh Hi Van Helsing -Tommy WiDracula
Take a Shot/Drink for every “YEEEEEEEESS!” in the Review.
More like take a shot for every “I HATE...” from that chick who I forgot was there.
I watched this movie SO many times in 9th grade and I still love it to this day-except the Frankenstein monster.
There's so many people in the comments that really liked the movie, you're not alone. I don't understand the hate???
26:03 Um, ackshully.... "Rewind" is an anachronism and refers to the act of winding magnetic tape in reverse in order to repeat the experience of an audio or video production. we don't need to be splitting hairs over "rewound" and "rewinded". It should be "reverse" or "back-up".
Crystal's glasses are pretty.
Oh Newt you sweet summer child I’ve missed the things you say 😂😂😂
The movie isn't great, but it's fun in my opinion. The video game however is waaaay better. I was 14 when my sister took me to see it. It's a silly blockbuster with special effects. It does have some good stuff in it. Just not enough. It's a guilty pleasure in my book. If I had a choice to either watch this or Wolverine Origins. I'm choosing this.
It's a good movie, I don't get the hate
I love that these New Jersey folk say "werewoof". It's very endearing.
One of my favorite Guilty pleasures
The more Newt and Crystal fight the better 😄
man they are trying so hard to justify hating this movie. its dumb fun, like brandon fraser's the mummy
I think I make it clear I don't actually hate it. I think I even say that...it is pretty lame though.
@@HackTheMovies not as lame as Swamp Zombies 2
Glad to see Newt back. I would like you guys to review 1984 Dune. I am sure Newt will have a cool story from when he was working as a projectionist.
Not gonna lie, I really like Van Helsing.. its stupid cheese fun!
Also, I have the little busts that came with the original movies too!
It was a good movie, I don't get the haters
This film is literally every single special effect marvel reuses to death.
Stop lying to yourselves this film slaps harder than daddy.
Mcu is (mostly) garbage, too.
Until the Animated CastleVania series came out, I had Van Helsing pegged as the closest thing we'd get to a CastleVania movie. Was the animated Van Helsing ok? I haven't seen it yet.
You guys ever going to do people under the stairs?
Do "The Monster Squad"
1:17 there’s like 2-3 faces made in this one second and each one of them is incredible.
Have I been chewing too much Doublemint Gum, or is Crystal in the thumbnail twice?
This was the best movie ever made and it’s trailer released on the superbowl where Janet Jackson had her nip slip
I def had fun with that movie in my childhood, but now I’m afraid to check it, still this movie has most accurate Shelly’s Frankenstein.
It's a good movie, I don't get the hate???
I like how all of them are experts on movies and cgi. Wow sooo good. Also newt has been to Transylvania say what?
lol
Yo that beat in the beginning was dope asf 🔥
Van Helsing came out around the same time as The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It's one of those twin films, where 2 similar movies come out around the same time, in this case it was a coincidence, but they're both about famous literary/horror characters coming together, and they both have a Jekyll And Hyde character who's like the hulk.
I always thought they were connected because of the giant Mr Hyde lol
Whos bob burns who got all them props?
Missed opportunity to get Newt in a Phantom of the Opera mask
1. The vampire in the Subspecies movies was called Radu.
2. List of Subspecies movies:
Subspecies (1991)
Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993)
Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994)
Vampire Journals (1997) [This was a spin-off of Subspecies & therefore not technically a sequel]
Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm (1998)
The Tom Cruise version of the Mummy or Van Helsing, which attempt at bringing back the universal monsters botched it more? 🤔
Facts
I’ve seen both in theaters over the years. At least with this, I remember enjoying “q” and Kate Beckensale
Definitely the Cruise Mummy. This at least has fun stuff and is a cool general idea.
The Mummy was just a drag. "Ooh the Creature's hand!" That was the peak moment of that movie for me, 2 seconds of a taxidermied hand.
Newts idea about the billionaire tracking monsters and having his own collection has kind of been done already in the comics. Check out carthago adventures from humanoids it's a great read
At least the game was fun. As someone who loves all of the DMC games it was neat to play.
Where did Crystal get those eye glasses? I really like them. I need new frames and those look great.
I'm addicted to eyebuydirect I have tons of different pairs!
You guys should DEFINITELY do Gymkatta!¡!
There is an animated movie called Igor which is basically very much if Tim Burton did a movie in CGI. Josie Moran was the vampiress in the Backstreet Boys 'Everybody' music video.
One of Dracula's wives, Elena Anaya, was the lead in Pedro Almodovar's The Skin I Live In, which is a modern retelling of the Frankenstein story.
I don’t like angry crystal. It’s unsettling lol
Try feeling that way. It's exhausting
They did have Faramir playing "Q" in this film so more LOTR connections *insert maniacal laughter here* ;)
How have you gone this long without making an episode about Evil Dead haha
I might be in the minority but I actually enjoyed this movie I know it's not perfect but it was pretty good for it's time
Look in the comment section, you're apart of the majority that liked it. There's a lot of weird haters for it
@@worldserpent731 I agree 100% with you good sir
HD did not do this movie any favors as me and my dad found out when watching it on... either Starz or HBO, like the last ten minutes of "Children of The Corn 3". (That's a film that's gotta be covered on here) The effects were bad already, but they were ten times worse when watching it in 1080p. XD
What? You're crazy
You guys are straight up wrong. Van Helsing is AWESOME!
I'll do my best to counteract your criticisms of some of the things you found "lame".
"horribly dated CGI" I like to think that the CGI on the monsters (not everything else) is "bad" on purpose because they are trying to emulate everything about the old monster movies, including the special effects. Granted, they were not best CGI that was possible in the early 2000s, but it certainly was much better than the effects they had in the 40s or 70s.
"the forgettable monsters" Nope, that is completely wrong. I've often seen that the monsters most people remember from this film are the werewolves and the brides. The werewolves have the most unique transformation sequences because they burst OUT of human skin rather than the hair growing out, to symbolize the beast within. And the brides, need I say more?
"the poor attempts at action and comedy" Again, wrong! The action and comedy in this movie are amazing. Most of the comedy delivered by the everyman Friar Carl was very funny and lovable, and the action scenes are incredibly fast and exciting. The Attacking Brides and Transylvanian Horses sequences are standout favorites.
I love this movie because it seemed like for the first time I found a vampire film were the hunters seem like actual adults that kept a cool head, pure faith, and a clean vocabulary throughout; as opposed to other films I had heard of at that time that did the opposite. (there maybe others that fit the description I gave, but this is the first one I heard about)
I really love this movie and the titular character and I wish that Universal would have been more forgiving to let this film expand into a series.
My Top 12 Favorite Universal Monster movies:
#01) The Wolfman
#02) Bride of Frankenstein
#03) Frankenstein meets The Wolfman
#04) Creature From The Black Lagoon
#05) The Invisible Man
#06) The Invisible Man Returns
#07) Dracula
#08) Ghost of Frankenstein
#09) Revenge of The Creature
#10) The Mummy’s Hand
#11) Frankenstein
#12) Dracula’s Daughter
When I saw Van Helsing in the theater because the person I was with refused to see Mean Girls, the film caught on fire and melted and then we sat in the dark for 15 minutes until the next reel was started up. It made the movie better though because there was less of it.
I agree, you should review Queen of the Damned, it is amazing on so many levels, but that soundtrack!
yes, the movie is jank but i, and apparently a ton of other people, love it. that's the mark of true fandom: to be able to love something, even knowing how bad it is. kind of like drax's message to mantis.
It's a fun action adventure movie
I'm ready for Newt's review for Dracula vs Frankenstein! Thats one of my favorite movies.
that would be a really fun patreon video.
Seems to be Newt's last episode, what happened?
He got fired.
He's not doing anything related to ScreenWave because he was the cause of the plagiarism controversy regarding last year's Monster Madness.
Wasnt it revealed by Dracula that Van Helsing is actually the angel Gabriel?
yes
I love Jessica’s subtitles 😁
The minions are called Dwergi...they are basically like dwarves. They are an original creature made for the movie. Honestly they are probably the best part of the movie XD.
Let's goooo, Taking about tape! 💪🏻🇺🇸
1:14 Tony gets an early scare from newt. 1:26 Tony reminds Newt and Crystal about their werewolf problem. Me: "but Tony if you want to solve that then it's a simple solution just give them a silver bullet some Coors Light."
Compared to other monster movies of the current year, Van Helsing still sticks out as one of the best ways to do a proper crossover film featuring some of the universal monsters, outside of Monster Squad of course.
In my opinion I still love Van Helsing of how they made him the younger brother to Abraham Van Helsing but it turns out that he's really the archangel Gabriel, the left hand of God, and that this film despite his quirky CGI, despite some of the acting that Tony will say it has, outside of Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale, I still love this movie for what it was back in 2004.
I always thought Dracula looked like Baraka from Mortal Kombat lol.
I had noot noots face thing twice before and it sucks to drink anything and socialize for sure