Debi Pearl Blames Wives For 'Angry, Confrontational' Men
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ส.ค. 2024
- Today we're looking at the next part of Debi Pearl's book, 'Preparing to be a Helpmeet'.
Part 1: • When Your Relationship...
Other videos about the Pearls: • Reviews of Michael and...
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How is it that the men who don't like when women flirt are the same ones who end up assaulting women because they were getting "mixed signals"
And the mixed signals were "she said hi" and "borrowed me her notes"
It's probably so they can blame her. "She was "flirting" and flirting is bad so really she deserved it." 🙄 It's toxic and disgusting.
Me and my boyfriend were flirting before we knew about the other's feelings. Both of us were doubting that the other had feelings. And guess what? Neither of us were creepy to the other in any way.
Unrelated side note: the best compliment I ever got was from him because it was weird and memorable. It feels wrong saying what it actually was online, because it's become a sort of inside joke I want to keep between us
Mixed signals like looking in their direction
Same thing as men wanting women with a low body count then getting annoyed when they don’t put out
Ah yes, the three types of man: abusive, boring, and abusive 2: electric boogaloo
She does realise that there are tons of men unlike that right.
I'd rather fucking Chuck myself off a clif than do that stuff.
@@icravedeath.1200 Apparently she doesn't 🤷🏼♀️
If thems my only choices, I'll take t'odd one out. I'm happy to be 'boring' (creative but willing to hang out and watch/play stuff) with him. As long as chores still get done on an alternating timetable...!
@@Roadent1241 I heard one weirdly inspirational thing that said 'men, you know when women say they want to find the odd one out, you work to become that odd one out'.
Trying to present a stable, mature, non-abusive partner as "boring" or "less passionate" is... so wildly immature. As I've aged I have only come to value responsibility and stability in ALL PEOPLE more and more. I want a drama free life.
I wish more coming of age content discussed things like financial maturity and smart career advancement and not just relationships.
YES, stability and maturity is sexy and don't equate to being unadventurous
Absolutely! I believe that the reason why Debi finds stable, mature and non-abusive partners boring is the same as why many intimate partner abuse victims find it hard to find love in the right person. Since all the years that they've shared with a partner had gone through the extremities, they find it hard to believe that relationships needn't be such a rollercoaster ride. This is just my belief that I formed from the experiences I've heard from friends, family and others who've been out of abusive relationships, so I may be wrong.
@VVsupremacy I can absolutely see that, especially if that was modeled by your parents. I have a very boring life by a lot of measurements, but I'm so much happier than the people I know with "exciting" lives. 🤷♀️
If someone asked my dad's permission to marry me, guess who I'm never marrying.
In South Carolina, I heard of a young adult woman who was not allowed to continue to date a certain man. Although she lived in her own apartment and supports herself, her Dad still injects himself into her personal relationships. He told her that he wants to be able to walk her down the aisle and "give her away ". I thought this was pathetic.
Well I think it should really depend on the relationship you have with your dad/mom/parent and how strongly you as a couple believe in tradition. I actually want my boyfriend to ask my mom for approval to marry me because in a relationship there are often rose colored glasses and while you may not see some sort of issue your parent/parents might.
@@melisaames6551 If I did that, I'd never get to marry anyone because my dad insists I'm incapable of even handling living with other people, nonetheless being married to another person.
@@PidgeyHowler I get it I'm just saying that this is what works for me and my family. I understand that it doesn't work with everyone. If your dad is like that I think you should just go for it.
@@melisaames6551 Yeah, I get it. Different people, different families.
It's like she thinks her husband is a child. Just like the advice parents give "Let him make his own mistakes and figure it out on his own." This is a grown man. I do not want to raise my husband.
I definitely relate to the part of lydias story where she feels like, at 23, she is falling behind in the marriage department. Society is awful about pushing this on women and telling us that, if we do go to college, we’d better leave with a partner to “start” our lives with. Love that you called that out in a sympathetic way because that pressure is hard to escape!
I'm 37, not married and not having kids. Its great. I am never pressured to marry.
A solid 85-ish percent of my friends got married around 26 years old (we’re 34 now) and I do sometimes feel lonely and left out, but I’ve been a single parent for 10 years and had to prioritise my son and supporting us financially over dating so 🤷🏼♀️
@@iciajay6891 I'm 41, bi, and in the same situation. I still date occasionally, but I've never felt inclined to get married, even when I've been in longer-term relationships. I've never had _any_ desire to procreate, which has honestly ended some relationships (only the ones with men, however, as the women I've dated seem less focused on having babies).
@@TheEldritchGod you have no idea what people’s culture is like at all. Ive grown up in a conservative Christian family and area and that’s the way it is for me. Everyone marries out of high school. I’m tired of all these old people in the comments shaming me for an experience I literally can’t control because of the community I grew up in because they want an excuse to trauma dump on the internet. I also have no interest in a man or “being provided for” as I am a lesbian. Guess what? Queer women also feel the the pressure to marry because that’s literally how the patriarchy works and that’s how biology works if we want to have children since most lesbians will have to go through intense fertility treatment if we want them. As a man, you also don’t get to have an opinion on this. You will never see this situation from the inside so stop acting like your one situation represents all of American culture. You might want to consider a therapist instead of dumping your shit onto younger people whenever you get the chance to be bitter. Sorry about your experience but it’s shitty of you to project your problems onto me so… leave me the fuck alone and complain about being oppressed somewhere else?
@@TheEldritchGod There was a period of time when it was thought that women who didn't work outside the home were considered oppressed. Some people still think this way, but mainstream feminism has long since moved on. The whole point of gender equality is that we get to make our own choices, regardless of our sex or gender.
I suspect that women who currently express some concern or disapproval toward your wife may also be a bit jealous. It's extremely rare for a married couple to be able to survive on a single income. I don't know anyone under 40 who's able to do this. (Actually, I have a friend who is a stay-at-home dad because childcare is so expensive and his wife makes good money as a therapist. They did the math once and if he were to go back to work now, it would only be a net increase in the household income of about $9,000 annually. They decided it wasn't worth it. He hopes to restart his career once their youngest is old enough to go to school, but that's still years away.)
So for your wife to have the luxury of not providing the household a second income suggests that you're well-off, and that you have a high-paying job. The issue that I sometimes worry about is the power imbalance. I'm absolutely _not_ saying this is the case for you and your wife! You sound lovely and I think your wife is probably very lucky to have found you.
Historically, however, economics have forced homemakers to play a subservient role to their money-earning spouse. A women who doesn't have her own income, for example, isn't able to leave or protect her children if the relationship sours or turns abusive. A woman without her own income is beholden to her spouse's good-will and can lose the ability to pay for necessities at that spouse's whim. It's one of the reasons it's so difficult for many people to escape an abusive relationship.
So personally, when I hear about a woman who is a stay-at-home mom/wife, I wonder whether it's because her partner makes so much money that she can spend her time on at-home work, or whether there are some potentially problematic views on gender roles at play. My feelings about the first option are jealousy (I work extremely hard and it would be lovely to just spend my time on hobbies and community service). My feelings about the second option are concern and worry.
37, no kids, never married. Loving it.
18. Never had my boyfriend, and my only crush is a space cat from a video game 🤣
omg I accidentally read that as "37 kids, never married" and got very concerned
51, no kids, never married, No regrets.
Now we sit back and wait for the butthurt to comment ;)
And yes, I'm being serious with line 2. I commented on another channel and stated I was 51 and no kids. And boy did TH-cam provide the hate! And funnily enough, it was 99% men who were commenting like "How does it feel to have wasted your life?" ... wonderful.
@@Katzztar not trying to hate. But what is your plan for retirement then?
@@caitlinharper1633 "What is your plan for retirement then"? Why would not having kids effect any plan for retirement... unless: 1) someone plans on being a burden by having the kids support the parents once retired.
Or
2) Do you think all the retired do is visit grandkids?
Sorry if those answers sound rather sharp but your comment did come off as patronizing.
And no, the other stereotype of 'retired go vacationing" isn't real either. Despite not having to spend extra money on raising kids, with the modern economy the way it is, I don't have the money to go on vacations.
In fact, that's a big part why I didn't have kids, I wasn't financially able to care for children. Nor did I ever find a partner that was trustworthy (to stay with me or help support kids) in that so I never had kids with them.
With how many of my fellow schoolmates that were left struggling as single moms, how my own mom struggled and only made it by having support of her parents (which I didn't have) I made a good decision not to be a single mom or settle for someone who proved they would be a deadbeat.
“Every man is either this kind of abusive or that kind of abusive. The ones that aren’t, they’re just too lazy to act on their abusive nature”
Cannot tell if radfem or tradcon 🙄
It always amuses me when people talk about wives submitting to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22), but never mention that husbands are supposed to behave towards their wives as Christ did to the church, "giving himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). That little bit three verses further on always seems to get forgotten about, how convenient!
Context context yayyy context!! (As my OT professor would cheer on an almost weekly basis)
There's a similar thing about the OT, where yes it bans fornication, but at the same time you can have as many partners as you want.
While only polygynous relationships are shown, there are no rules against a single woman having multiple husbands.
Meaning that as long as you're all married, you can have as much adult fun time with as many people as you want.
I LOVE it when people who actually have read The Bible use it against people who only claim to have read it lol thank you so much
Because the bible is insanely misogynistic and treats women as property that should only be treated decently as long as she is a submissive slave dedicated only to her husband. Let's not pretend the bible is empowering for women.
@@cocogoat1111 but they even ignore the parts that say you're supposed to treat your property well.
this literally sounds like high level satire, i can barely process that this is a woman’s real opinion. someone needs to call those cult deprogrammers
It's not her own opinion, women aren't allowed those, obviously! /s
Her husband probably proof reads the book. I wouldnt be surprised if he essentially writes the book. She is probably taking a dictation with a few of her ideas added through out.
@@miscalotastuff733 I suspect he drills her on what points to make in any book and which points to avoid. He probably also tells her what scripture to utilize and quote and what scripture to avoid and omit. I noticed in about 4 pages of literature he contributed in Created To Be His Help Meet, he quoted 1 PETER 3:1-6 and 1 PETER 3:9-17 but omitted 1 PETER 3:7-8 which are verses instructing husbands on how to treat their wives.
People say that about my mom (who is a lot like Debi) and tbh if I didn't grow up with her I wouldn't believe she's a real person, either
@@RickReasonnz Not in her camp are women allowed opinions. They're expected to believe whatever their father believes until they get married and then whatever their husband believes.
Imagine being with a partner who is so fragile they cannot handle any form of direct criticism, no matter how correct or logical it may be.
That just sounds both extremely tedious and very dangerous.
Been there, done it. I couldn't even make the mildest criticism or suggestion without him asking to call of the relationship but he was criticising me all the time. So eventually I took to ribbing him when I wasn't happy.
Your making a strawman arguement. She is making a point about it. Just like criticism your work place can be a real problem when people just get passive aggressive instead of communicating, working on the problem and getting a job done. Many women have a problem with it as they tend not to be directly confrontation.
@@ruhap9311 That's the difference between criticism for its sake and constructive criticism.
People should be able to cope with the latter.
@@snooganslestat2030 I agree, the criticism of the author is.taking her advice somewhat out of context.
I'd really rather have a stable caring man than an abusive one 🙄
So would i.
That's pretty much exactly what I said to my ex-husband. He actually tried to tell me that he was concerned that if I left him I'd never find happiness because I'd never be able to find a perfect man so I'd only be disappointed. I said I don't need a perfect man, I just want someone who isn't abusive! I'm now married to a stable caring man and I've been happy for many years.
No you wouldn't. Convicted felons have more success in dating than stable guys
@@keylanoslokj1806 what's that? We want GENUINE, NON ABUSIVE MEN? Yes 😌
"Kingly" men are abusive. Period. I've been in abusive relationships and trust me, "submission" doesn't make the abuse stop.
And as Rachel reminds women to not do anything fun for themselves, Kyra is having the time of her life in the background.
Kyra is a good girl
I’m so happy you got out of your relationship with your narcissist. It was the best decision I ever made. I am working hard to teach my teenage children how to spot and avoid narcissists.
I might be one, I don't know what to do.
@@icravedeath.1200 get a therapist. If you're truly pathological, you can manage it, but will be this way forever.
@@dangerxbadger2300 I'll talk with my parents about it tomorrow.
@@dangerxbadger2300 it'll probably be because my almost lack of healthy friendships growing up.
@@icravedeath.1200 Really proud of you for noticing and trying to fix it. Lots of people don't want to grow as a person and get stuck making the same mistakes.
"Man was created in God's image and we in man's image, so we are one step removed from the original." As someone who has been a Christian pretty much my whole life (albeit, a much more relaxed one), this statement perfectly encapsulates the Pearls' (and followers) beliefs, and it is at the root of all their other teachings. I've taken issue with everything this woman has written, but from an actual biblical standpoint, this statement is absolutely false. Genesis clearly states that God created both male AND female in his own image, so to say that women are any less important because we are "one step removed" is complete bullshit. These people are straight up lying about what the Bible says in order to justify abuse. It's not surprising though. If you diminish a woman's value, then you can justify treating her as less than human because you truly believe that's what she deserves.
It kills me to see the Bible misrepresented the way the Pearls love to do. I could be reading too much into it, but I think it's telling that none of Debbie's examples were women in the Bible, instead only using women from her social circle.
@@isfpoisson The Pearls are very biased, and Michael just cherry picks scripture that appeals to his male ego and has indoctrinated her in his perverted beliefs.
I actually find that to be a common theme in many of these backwards "christian" cults, they either don't even bother to read and understand the bible, or they full on lie about what it says in order to excuse their sins while condemning others for the slightest little thing. It's quite disturbing.
@@adrianj6795 It's very disturbing.
The reason for this is because women get created two times in the book, first from clay and then from man's rib. In some jewish canon the first woman is not Eve but what is commonly known as Lilith.
I'm a Born Again Christian, married woman and I would advise people to stay clear of the Pearls. There's clearly something deeply wrong of Debi Pearl... Has she been groomed? Not giving her benefit of doubt but surely she can't be 'normal'.
As a victim of a cruel bully my whole life (my father), I cannot stand men who belittle women. I feel for your home experience Rachel... I hated my childhood. I am the result of a child bride marriage and knowing my father was nothing better than a rapist at times....
What makes me laugh so hard about Debbie's descriptions of the 3 types of men is that they almost perfectly match up with the descriptions of certain archetypes of men described in the book "how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved". If you haven't read that one, I HIGHLY recommend it!!
I made the mistake of describing my husband as “lld fashioned” to my father. I simply meant that he grew up on a farm and insists on fixing and building everything himself…. But Dad thought I meant “old fashioned conservative”. So he actually said to me once, after hubby and I eloped, “You said he was old fashioned, so I’m a bit disappointed that he didn’t ask me for your hand in marriage.”
👁👄👁
Ugh, I’m sorry
The term you were looking for is "self-sufficient".
I'm that way myself. I'm a pretty far left progressive, but I still love doing things with my hands and learning from past ages how to do things without complex computers and electricity.
Which is particularly ironic since I'm an IT professional ^^
I suppose knowing just how much we rely on computers makes me want to be prepared in case they ever break.
Call him JerryRigEverything. XD
@@Nerobyrne yes! Self sufficient. But he grew up on a farm, so I guess that’s why I felt he was “old fashioned”. Lol
Debi’s youngest daughter Shoshanna is now separated from her husband. That’s a second child that has divorced out of her 5 children.
Based on the kind of man it sounds like she was likely married to... good for her!
How do you find this stuff out? I wanna know!
@@miscellaniac3367 if you look at her Facebook, you will know. Her husband has been missing from Facebook for a long time. Someone asked her and she said they are living separately.
Wow. That's telling..
I’m in the midst of getting out of a very tricky marriage, and I really appreciate your videos because it’s a weekly reminder that I’m doing the right thing and that it doesn’t have to be the worst possible situation for me to get out. In fact, it’s better for everyone involved if we cut our losses now and don’t let it get worse.
You are doing the right thing! It's hard, that I can 💯 empathize with. In case you need to hear it: You deserve and have a right to free.
I was raised fundamentalist & right now I’m in the same place you described ❤️
That sounds absolutely right. Do it your way.
good for you. 💖
Please read the book "How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved".
I recommend it to any human who has survived an abusive or coercive/identity destroying or altering relationship. No companionship, no fleeting feeling of approval or affection, no temporarily mitigated fear of loneliness will EVER be worth putting your dignity, self worth, and possibly your very life, at risk.
You are doing the absolute right thing, he will never change, and even if he can(unlikely bc pathological men do not change)it isn't your job or responsibility to help him do it and you do not owe him your support or presence while he does/if he chooses to. You deserve a partner, not a project, not a master. An equal who treats you with love, respect, honesty and thoughtfulness. Listen to your inner voice. Cherish yourself. You are so worth it.
Some context... In the fundamentalist church, there actually are rational reasons for a woman to be concerned about being single at 23. If you're not engaged by your mid-20s, your chance of getting married at all drops considerably. If you don't marry, you have to stay single and celibate (not even masturbation) and you will be lower status and marginalised in the church and will likely also be in an economically precarious position. It's not a good position to be in. This is not just "messaging" and "ideas" but very real material concerns. There are very real serious consequences for the women who don't marry. Of course, leaving the fundamentalist church would be a good solution to this problem - but they're probably not even considering that.
Yeah I was about to say, sounds like the perfect group to leave ^.^
Absolutely disgusting 🤮
There is also the problem of women in the church being discouraged from pursuing education and any other skills with which they can support themselves independently, so sometimes leaving is very dangerous financially.
Don't parents give you any money at all? We have the same concern regarding marriage in my country, but there's the assurance that your parents call and will cover for you financially.
@@Haru-nee In U.S. fundamental Christian circles similar to the Pearls', women are often encouraged to live at home until they get married. While this does help them with bills and basic necessities, it often hinders them from living their best possible life. Even when they "move out," they usually end up as a caregiver for an older lady in the church. If they do somehow end up in a house of their own, they are still usually fairly dependent on their parents to help, and they do not have same freedoms that an independent man would have. They are usually quite literally encouraged to not get a college degree, and only to work for barest (sometimes less than minimum) wages in either the Christian school or as a waitress. Moving up, becoming management, or otherwise bettering themselves/making more money is always seen as women trying to "usurp authority" over men and is therefore not allowed. And of course, leaving such a community would condemn your soul to Hell, so the women are forced to stay in this environment.
Some men said that we are past our prime around 25-28. 🙄
Endulging in your man's every idea is ridiculous, if my step mom endulged in my dad's every idea she would be driven mad, sometimes he doesn't plan around the fact he has a wife and kids that need to be a part of that plan
I'm exactly the same way. If I find a new hobby, I'll spend literally days doing nothing else besides that hobby, eating, drinking and sleeping.
Someone's gonna have to give me a wake-up call so I don't do something dumb sometimes ^^
That's one thing partners are for, to keep each other in check. At least, that's what I think.
I love when you include non binary people in statements without making it a whole thing. Makes me feel seen in the best way. Thank you for that casual inclusive language!
Yess Rachel is the goat
I give the biggest eye roll in my life their no helping this poor women I feel bad for her. Great video as always Rachel
There probably are who are/have tried, but in the book she talks about how “people who try to tell you your husband is crazy are wrong”. People need to want to be helped in order to actually benefit from it.
So the ideal woman has no visible public life, no visible interests, no visible preferences, no visible anything - and upon marriage reflects only her husband's public life, interests, preferences... She is a mirror that can be bred.
Wow.
I think what they're looking for is one of those Barbie dolls that talk when you squeeze them.
“Why would a woman want friends?”
This question confuses me.
I mean really
Why would property want friends?
😉
Now I’m nervous people might take that post seriously.
The tragic life of someone who thinks he is funny.
I've seen men so controlling they only want women to give up friends and family and go even further and encourage her to be abusive towards women who are complete strangers because those women are not with a man at the time. And women who think that's the way to a man's heart. I was a victim of that when I was going about on my own at during the early evening (coming home late from work, attending evening classes or returning from visiting my parents) and had I had a boyfriend at the time I still would have gone about on my own without him. I mistook them for 'strong women' when they were really pick me girls. Unlike them I didn't feel the need to drag a man around with me or dress up to the nines at all times with thin tights and high heels even on a cold winter's night.
And I have found that lone men, groups of men and man-woman couples get more respect in eating establishments than lone women do even in down at heel cafes. Two or more women together get slightly more respect than lone women. You really have to fight for that respect by being assertive. I was in one last Saturday and was charged for coffee before even being served with it though one man on his own wasn't. What's more was that I was over charged and when I found out what the price was I demanded the excess back. The menu was outside and on the tables not by the counter. I had been there before and wasn't expected to pay until I was served or about to leave the cafe.
Not funny for a man to post this on a woman's page. Reality is there are men who believe that.
i’ve never been able to describe what an evangelical i know does to his wife by not liking her going to work or having friends because she gets her own opinions and he gets scared. abuse. that’s what it is. thank you rachel
In these groups, you're pretty much an old maid at 16. 😐
Also why does "The Priestly man" sound the least horrible? "Your husband treats you as an equal? Boring!" -Debi probably
can’t have grown women getting married, they might insist on being treated like humans
Yeah, the priestly man sounds mostly alright
The others make me genuinely sick
Rachel, I’ve never met you, but in my mind you are my cool young auntie who tells me tells me things that my parents won’t 😂 thank you.
A man who *doesn't* make you walk on eggshells?! How DULL. Lmao these people. So sad how indoctrinated you can become from abuse and a childhood spent in fundie spaces. I'm still recovering as well, and my heart really goes out to you. Your stories of your relationship and childhood had me crying for you. You're so strong and lovely and I am so glad you made it through and are finding the healing you deserve. ❤
The part where he made sure not to look for a wife until he was sure he could support or care for one… it sounds like someone debating on when to get a pet or have a child which I guess perfectly demonstrates the way these people view women
I mean, in one way, I do think it might be a good idea to make sure you’re in a relatively stable financial position before committing to a partner. So it’s not terrible advice. But you just know that the expectation for the wife is not to be an equal partner, but to be a submissive, helpless Thing To Be Cared For.
this is crazy. I knew I wanted to marry my husband (after never wanting to marry) when I realized that he was a steady, stable, reliable man who kept his promises. The older I've gotten, I crave peace & definitely don't want anymore chaos or drama.
The categories of men don’t give them a lot of room to actually be decent 🙄 Great video, I always enjoy when you discuss healthier examples of partnerships. I’d love to see a video where you discuss your views on categorizing personalities, astrology, myers-briggs, etc. I never see people critique them it seems everyone’s all in and it’s exhausting
I’m hoping to cover this in an upcoming podcast episode with Alizee! :) We’re recording next week so keep an eye on my community tab and I’ll post when it’s out :)
That's the exact thing that men like myself are trying to fix.
I took a course based on the Duluth Model once at a local Women's Aid office and King of the Castle was one of the categories of abuser.
If any man approached my own father with the intent of dating me, he’d laugh them out of town! Or he’d straight up turn the guy down, knowing he raised his kid too well to be interested in someone so sexist
same. I don't have a daughter yet, but, assuming she's heterosexual, i'd do the same to any man who approached me about that.
Holy shit thank you for doing these videos. I grew up in these groups and even had this book, reading it over and over pining for the day a guy may actually want to be with me and how I should act to make him happy. I see how misogynistic these views are now and how toxic. Every day living in the Bible belt people are blaming women for men doing bad things and praising men for the smalles thing. It's infuriating.
Your relation of childhood abuse was honestly quite emotionally powerful-especially the part about not realizing something is abuse when it’s the only sort of life you know
That really hit home and resounded with me
As someone who has also dealt with angry men from early childhood on, your videod are doing important work of waking people up to these abuse cycles
Things I heard in the Independent Baptist movement: "godly men are rewarded with beautiful wives" although not an exact quote that was what it boiled down to. Not "godly men get godly wives" nope, the woman's godliness doesn't matter so long as she's a looker.
I love when you air this woman out. Preach it girl!
no matter how much we air her out, her takes are always musty and covered in dust 🤣
Oh Rachel, I could relate so much when you talked about abuse in your family- except in my case it was my mom doing that. To this day I am terrified if someone yells at me, I'm scared to make anyone angry. I was also in toxic relationship when everything was always my fault no matter what- even calling him on the phone made him furious because he didn't feel like talking. All this abuse was extremely hard for me to overcome, and I am so behind with stuff in life because of it. And Debbie's advice sounds like the worst nightmare ever, I would literally rather not exist at all than live in relationship like in her opinion we all uterus owners should have. Christ. Loved this video, keep up good work, and stay strong! 👏 👍
I know exactly what you mean--loud voices (not even yelling) cause me to flinch and sometimes instinctively cover-up in a defensive posture even now
Due to childhood abuse, I also can't handle being touched or hugged around the neck--as a teen, I remember almost slapping away the hand of my girlfriend when she attempted to caress me about there for the first time...it's better nowadays, a decade or so after that, but I still feel initially uncomfortable when (for example) someone leans their head on my shoulder or wrap their arm around me
C-PTSD? If not pls disregard
I’m right there with you. Yelling makes me panic.
My first serious romantic relationship was an abusive one and I think that’s largely because my mother’s abuse basically trained my brain to associate insults with love. Or at least with safety and security.
Plus, being called fat, stupid, useless, and told “no one will ever want you” nearly every day made me believe those things.
So when someone showed interest in me I ignored a lot of red flags (including that he was 11 years older than me when I was 16 when we met). And I stayed with him too long because I thought no one else would ever want me.
It’s been a long time and a lot of therapy and I’m in a much better place, but yelling still makes me feel anxious or panicky and I still struggle with taking compliments.
Yikes. It terrifies me that there are people who genuinely hold beliefs like this, preach them to others and believe they are good people and in the right.... The damage they do is absolutely horrifying to me and you can't stop it from happening. 😭😬
If someone asked my parents to marry me they'd probably say no simply because they're asking.
Also, I totally agree with the personality test and myers briggs test thing. It's not even just about putting people into boxes, which is bad enough in my opinion, but it also often, if not always, relies on stereotypes or reinforces them. And that really bothers me, because people are much more than them.
about myers briggs - that's what new people usually think, when they just started. this whole personality test thing is much more complicated than just a 16 personalities. I'm not a professional at all, but i know that there's also another criteria inside one one personality type, and two people in one personality type can be totally different individuals because of it. but i barely know anything tbh, so just live and let live
if i made a mistake in english, please, don't correct me, i have no respect for this language
exactly. I'm glad nonsense like that is finally a thing of the past.
I'm all about historical re-enactment. I even love historical furniture, and I'm really fascinated by the middle ages and early modern period. I love to learn how they did things without modern conveniences, just in case they ever fail me.
But, as many re-enactors from all kinds of time periods like to point out:
"We adopt their dress, not their mindset".
It's all well and good to learn from the past, but some things are best left behind. Misogyny is one of them.
Asking around to make sure the person you want to date doesn't have any giant red flags and like if they're a nice person seems fine, but looking for their life story and interests and views seems ridiculous, just talk to them!!!
People are more honest with complete strangers than with potential partners, when they're in the best/ expected behaviour.
This book sounds like men shopping for cars and women waiting like animals at the rescue. Geez! How can anyone see this as healthy?
My mother bought this book, we all (dad included) read it once, and threw it out. My parents used to enjoy Debi Pearl but this book was what made them really question everything about what she taught, so it worked out.
The asking dad for permission over the woman herself always creeps me out
But its smt thats pretty frequent in indian culture (especially with the way stereotypical arranged marriages work) so im also unfortunately used to it
I get it like, when you have been dating someone for long long time, and know their parents well, and you just want "their blessing" or maybe there is a family ring to be passed on.
But only when you basically know your partner is going to say yes.
@@tatiana4050 yeah that's all good in my books- its the fathers permission being valued over the literal woman you wish to marry
@@brunetteartist24 personally, i got nothing against it, only because I don't even know who my father is, so they would have to find that out first.
Even when it's done out of tradition when you have a inkling your girlfriend will accept the proposal it's still wrong. Ask your girlfriend first and no-one else. Not even your best friend.
In an ironic twist, debi’s prophet archetype sounded like the living embodiment of the deadly sin of pride.
So if I'm understanding this right, per Debi, all men are horrible and it's a woman's job to make him bearable? By fake smiling and telling him he's amazing?
You understand correctly
I’m a stay at home mom, stuck in a marriage with two kids. I don’t regret my children, but I also got married at 20. I wish I got to experience life before I got married. I grew up in a very conservative misogynistic family, luckily my views are opposite of my family, but yes, marriage is not everything :c
I hope your situation gets better
Debbie’s had to write this many books to justify her abusive, grooming based marriage to an angry manchild who can’t do shit like an adult, shocker.
I don’t think she actually aged past 15 mentally and I think Michael wanted it like that
6:48 "I'm deeply in tolerance of you."
I was forced to read this book with a bunch of other afab teens when I was 15. I was the only person in the group to think the things in the book were weird. I’m now the only person of the group to have left christianity (as far as I’m aware). I also came out as non-binary and queer so overall the whole “religious marriage to a man” never fit me😂
I think reading Pride and Prejudiced has ironically made me prejudiced against anyone named Lydia
For me, it’s the Handmaid’s Tale that created that image
Rachel: talking about books...
The dog: jumping on the couch
As a non-binary person living with a non-binary person, who looks after our kids and does most of the cooking etc, I can say having a house spouse is awesome and I think everyone should have one.
Going to be 31 in January. Welp, guess my eggs are boiled. I shall go amongst the hills and wail about my singleness as the good book says to do now
Listening to this makes me sad. This woman (the author, that is) has clearly had self esteem and confidence issues all her life and was clearly targeted by her now-husband while still an impressionable youth and brainwashed into a fundamentalist mentality where a woman can only be as great (and no greater) than the man she supports (and obeys without question.) She has completely subsumed her own needs and desires to his and sacrificed her sense of self on the altar of certainty. And now she believes that all women should do likewise in order to be "saved."
You know, I’m starting to think I’m alright being single. I used to want to find someone to spend my life with, but it honestly seems way more trouble than it’s worth lmao
Lol I'm 23 and the thought of getting married rn has me terrified
I keep forgetting that it's 1950 out there
I have never understood the “married in your twenties and no later” mindset. I grew up with adults who all got married or started dating in their 30’s.
Me too. Love can happen at any age . Everyone deserves to be happy and have fulfilling life regardless if they are married with children or single and childless or whatever they want to be .
Her description of marriage to a “prophet” sounds exactly like parenting a toddler. 🤣😳😬
Being raised this way… led me to be in very abusive and toxic relationships. I’m glad that I was able to get out, but it’s been hard.
Debbis is very much of the school of: "A Woman Without Her Man is Useless". If only Debbie could learn: "A woman. Without Her, Man is Useless". But she never will.
I think that's just as toxic, but at least it's affirming for women.
By that I mean, if she's putting other people down, they can just take care of themselves. I don't need other people to value me. But if she thinks she's worthless without someone else, that's a self-harming mind set.
However, for a man to have this mind set will turn them into an incel, because they're convinced their worth depends on a woman giving them approval.
And we saw where that mindset ends.
@@Nerobyrne Very well stated indeed. Incels concern me deeply. As do the likes of Debbie. These extremes in personalities are worrisome. There must be a level playing field somewhere. The adagde was merely an illustration of how easy it is to corrupt just one sentence to make it say two different things. It is not a serious advocation. I do like your response very much.
You need men not vice versa
@@keylanoslokj1806 You need Both to make a Baby
@@tomsenior7405 bullshit
Can we just stop for a sec and admire Rachel's absolute and non-questionable, pure LOVE towards Kyra? 😍 That cute girl is literally the luckiest with an owner/dog mom like Rachel ❤️
I just wanted to say Rachel I also grew up with a verbally and emotionally abusive father. I think a lot of people from our generation did. Where i came from it was normalised for parents to literally scream at their children and call them names over the slightest mis-step so when I told my friends they would roll their eyes and say, "ugh, so what?". I think it's only now that we are really starting to realise that children are people and we should treat them as such, set boundaries with them, be respectful towards them, and try to make our engagements positive.
'Quiet Joy' Ew... I want a partner to be able to loudly rub any hobby/idea/thing they are proud of in my face if they want to. Why on earth silence happiness.
While I find this worldview shocking and disturbing it gives me a facinating insight into the psychology of abuse and how these cycles perpetuate themselves. I hope your videos help others realize that this is not normal and that it gives them strength to break the cycle.
Thank you for your videos and congratulations on your own journey.
Debi reminds me of my mom in a lot of uncomfortable ways. Number one: her ability to simp for men, no matter how clearly in the wrong they are.
i laughed out loud when she wrote ''at least, I could stand him, progress'', when your expectation is so low that ''tolarable''' is enough for you, holy shit
So basically what Debi is saying is that men are what they are, and instead of communicating and meeting each other halfway, the women needs to conform herself in accordance with the man's traits. It's disgusting.
this sounds so sick... 🤪 just thinking how many women live in relationships like this makes me sad.
*Pokemon Pearl* > Debi Pearl
Hell, the Pearl from Steven Universe > Debi Pearl!
Oyster Pearl > Debi Pearl
I’d go so far as to say
Clamperl>Debi Pearl
I bring up this example a lot, but the way Debbie talks about how a man is either passionate and abusive or kind and boring, but you will never have a guy who is kind and passionate. Gomez Addams treats his wife like a fucking queen, and he is incredibly passionate about not just her, but about everything. His love of life, his family, sword combat, everything Gomez Addams does he does with passion and zeal, and he is anything but abusive to his wife and children.
If she wrapped her head around gay marriages, she would probably say: "Who's the woman?" Because that's what a lot of cis people tend to say to gay couples at first.
"Flirting cheapens a girl" *laughs in I have a well paying job and I sure as hell flirted with him.*
"Besides I thought I would knew the guy that I would marry" "Which seems like a fine umsumtion to me, but what do I know, I'm 28 and unmarried, I'm past my prime remember?" Omg I almost slipped on the stairs and died! There's Legos so yeah that's close to the pain of death lol
In my uni child development program we read their parenting book as an example of a bad and abusive parenting style.
I love Rachel’s art all of it is so beautiful
Yes, Rachel. It was NOT your fault how Johnny behaved!
He would have done it anyway, no matter who he would be with, a friend, his gf, a complete stranger or whoever.
I am astonished to what lengths people like Debi or those people themselves will go to NOT take responsibility and excuse their actions. It's crazy.
I am so grateful to have never been "blessed with winning" any of these men. Debi can keep them!
I might be, according to this book, a priestly man but I can't say I'm looking for a servant girl. Kind and gentle? Sure. Servant? No.
So according to this book, women are supposed to be a source of supply to their narcissistic husbands. Edit: corrected for grammar.
You seem to be implying that women can be something more…? Like…their OWN person and have agency over their lives and body?! No way 🧐 /sarcasm
Yes that’s exactly what the book is saying and I hate to see it 😒
By the time I turned 32 years old I was beginning to realize that I would probably never marry...Oh well. lol
This communication is a real ISSUE for some people. I think it's part of childhood trauma a lot of times. Sooooo many people never work on their past trauma/stuff and just let it continue to fester into a permanent part of their personality and don't realize that it is PROBLEMATIC. If the people around you i.e. your parents are constantly giving you backlash for expressing your needs or just outright deny them you can get to a point where you don't feel safe to or feel that is worthless to express your needs OR the one I dislike the MOST, learn to manipulate people into doing what you want instead of just communicating things.
All my friends just leave me behind.
@@icravedeath.1200 Life has a habit of taking us all through different phases. I personally have never been like any of my friends and them definitely not like me. :) Luckily, I can say no matter what I am just fine without anyone else when I have to be.
@@jenme2390 I have trouble moving on.
@@icravedeath.1200 We'd be lucky if we could be blessed with a few "friends for life" but when "for life" falls short in friendships I've found that new people have a way of finding a way into our hearts. So we should try our hardest to be grateful for what we had and hopeful for what's to come even when our hearts are broken. We have to always be our own best friend first and take care of ourselves, emotionally, physically, in the same way that we do for our loved ones.💖
@@jenme2390 ok
Me, 23 yo, in college, feeling like im still in middle school while having to write homework and feeling like a literal child, thinking if ill have ramen noodle or a sandwich for dinner. Not about if ill ever get married 😆
It absolutely breaks my heart when I hear abuse stories, especially during childhood. I’m so glad you’re out of that and doing well for yourself. And thank you for making this content. It’s because of TH-camrs that share this information and experiences that I was able to realize my own abusive situation and get out of it.
I guess you could say that, unlike Pokémon, these Pearls aren’t Shining examples! 😉
"The day ended and I knew that, at least I could stand him. Progress." sounds like something you would say about another co-worker after your first week at your new job...
At its essence, this book is a lengthy justification of one woman's obviously abusive marriage to a mentally ill man. She takes his hideous personal traits and designs a how-to manual for women to aid them in accepting a life of abuse, neglect and cruelty as if it were a godly calling. I find very little in any of their writings that is actually biblical, the most damaging example of which is claiming that man was created in God's image, and that woman was created in man's image. There are just no words in English to convey how sinister this is. Genesis 1:27 "And God created the human in his image." This is a translation directly from Hebrew. The word "human" in Hebrew does not reflect maleness, any more that the words horse or cat denote male or female. It means that all of humankind is created in God's image. If the writer meant for "human" to mean male, he would have used the word "ish" as he did in Genesis 2:21-22, once the male had been differentiated from the female.
"If she ever managed to get her head around same-sex marriage or non-binary people" I think you have far too much faith in her potential. She's not even close to reaching that level of intellect.
Ok, so don't quote me on this, because I don't know Hebrew and I don't know what the original source was, but I heard once that the word translated as "help-meet" in Genesis was the same word used to describe David's "mighty men" in 1 Samuel. So the only reason why help-meet isn't used to describe a man's relationship with another man is because they were translated differently.
Your giggle is infectious just for the record
I can't help but wonder how much of this book was written by the husband
The thing that kills me is that even if you're a super religious husband-is-my-captain kind of woman, you're still settling *hard* if you marry one of the guys she describes (except for maybe the boring one, the priest or whatever). A woman who's willing and able to meet those insane standards is way too good for a guy who's going to bully her or waste all their money.
i truly appreciate the anecdotes you include and the way you open up about your own trauma. it really helps to connect and relate to your experiences & it makes me remember that as survivors of abuse we’re never alone. thank you so much ❤️
I kinda wish you had been called Lydia.
Then you would have been sworn to carry my burdens and stand in doorways.
"It's not because he's cruel or evil, it's because he expects obedience", can someone explain the difference please?
Did you know in very early Christianity the "trinity" was the Father, the Son and the Mother (the virgin Mary), it was soon after they removed Mary from the trinity and replaced her with the vague "Holy spirit"
hey i would love to know if you have any supporting articles for this? i am not trying to be a skeptic i really love this idea and want to look more into it. thank u
im listening to this while i work on my thesis and i catch myself pausing and rolling my eyes so hard i might develop eye issues