.....then they turn around and blame you for acting out in the same manner in response to their arrogance. Blind to their own egocentric behavior initiating that whole process.
It seems to be a narcissistic trait and it can be extremely frustrating to deal with. If you give any input it's like you're challenging their sense of superiority. Even polite and necessary criticism is taken as an attack on their identity and it immediately puts them in a defensive posture. As if they are unable to accept responsibility for making a mistake or being wrong in any capacity. Always devolves into a blame game. Very unhealthy and extremely tiring to interact with anyone like that for any length of time.
operative word in your description being : *any* ... capacity. i think the personality dimension is the agreeableness scale. and those of sick mind - are broken at the extreme end - and unable to free themselves, thus expressing pure disagreeableness. resulting in an extreme fragility when asked to be agreeable - in relation to being 'imperfect' (or the subjective accusation thereof)
@@Picca65 they do know just fine, that there is a thing called - agreeing (with truths) just they choose to not face the truth. much like a child, that's not yet devolved phytologically. think - santa is real! the truth is harder to process - while in the infant stage of development. its just that - changing requires that you trust what the external world is there to help you. as a pathologically minded & abuse victim - this is impossible. so the sociopath just uses everything at their disposal as a means of 'making themselves safer' and relationships are therefore commodities , there - to be operated, for maximum 'gain'. (ie - in reality - the loss ; of the ability to evolve and change and grow.)
I was branded "immature" when it was my narc dad, who was being immature! I was way more mature at 5 years old, than he was, at 26! I had to be the adult. It was exhausting!
Good for you,Tanya. And at least she said it straight so you you knew where you stood. My passive aggressive mother would just punish me by slander for not agreeing or complying.
It's extremely frustrating that the people in my world always appear to be so righteous that they cut me off & dominate the script & can't even attempt to have a civil conversation about anything. I'm not looking to debate, be lectured to, accused of, or be interrogated...just crave a relaxing conversation. It seems the more you humble yourself, the more bitter they become.
@T.L. Get away from them as fast as possible. Surrounding yourself with like-minded healthy people is ver important. It’s like pouring fertilizer on a plant 🌱. Nourishment is necessary for healthy growth.
My narc husband will not even look at an article or video I send him. He does not want to see anything that is different to his way of thinking. He does not want to grow and learn at all! It’s so frustrating.
My hubby refuses to listen to anything. You won't ever be able to make them listen. To them, YOU are the problem....always! And since they KNOW EVERYTHING it's waisted time for you to even try. Silence kills them more than anything! It makes them wonder where their doormat went. Just practice to ignore and walk away silently. Never ever give them more fuel for their fire. Leave them smoldering from their own fire pit of hell. Actually it gets to fun to watch them simmer!!!!
Narcissist HATES critisism and they will make it clear to you by abusing you or going into a rage and later putting it on you as if it is your fault for making them feel bad. No matter what they say or do don't dare critisize them. They can lie, cheat, disrespect but you have to watch your words when confronting them about it... But why they don't like to be critisize, they believe that you deserve to be critisize, humiliated or abused for whatever you did that is consider by them as offence.
Being able to receive input starts a conversation and leads to better understanding and greater trust. Not having this and not being able to talk about it with someone you love feels like the greatest loss ever.
Exactly. My sister will complain for hours upon hours upon hours about the same stuff every single day (not even a conversation, just a monologue) and then stare at me for advice. But then when I finally get a chance to respond (not that I even want to!) she gets pissee and says, "I didn't ask you to SOLVE IT!!" And I'm thinking only two things at this point: 1.) Ok, then why do you stare at me until I talk? And 2.) Ah, you just said it. You don't want solutions; you just want to complain for 8 hours uninterrupted. There's a third option, actually: I could be on a hidden camera show?
Pet phrases when I addressed my ex-wife about how disrespectfully she treated me: "That's just my personality. Sorry you're so sensitive. I always got to walk on eggshells around you. Everyone else thinks I'm awesome."
Sounds like the crap I've heard from the malignant narc mommy putrid since was 14. I could live so easily without ever having contact again. I hope you can have a better life that's more compatible to your soul.
I have not yet listened to this but it resonates with just the title. We have a son-in-law who does not listen very well but talks continually as if to make sure he keeps the floor. When anyone tries to interrupt to be a part of his monologue he raises his voice a little to talk over them. He is so full of himself that he doesn't believe anyone else has anything to offer. When we disagree with him he becomes agitated and resumes talking as though you never said a word. He says rude things often and disguises them as jokes.
The longer they talk the righter they are! They use a lot of ands to lengthen their talking so you can’t get a word in edgewise! It’s like you needed to duct tape their mouth shut!!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 Imagine that? Stunted growth. And they are not sincerely curious about things outside of their awareness. I find spiritual people guilty of this. They believe that you could not know anything more than they do.
First, I have to give little background so this comment will make sense. My Father is experienced with a chasm-esq volume of various things. From building a hot-dog muscle car from stuff at the junk yard when he was 15 to finishing construction of a beach house that had been abandoned for many years. He's truly the definition of a 'Jack of all trades, and master of none". I spent my working career in land development design...drawing the construction documents for neighborhood and commercial projects. Needless to say, I know how sewer gets from your home to not in your way anymore. Last summer he wanted to add a sewer line from the septic to his RV on a vacation property so he wouldn't have to haul poop. One problem, the septic inlet is nearly 2ft higher than the RV's outlet...respectfully, I tried to tell him this; obviously he wasn't hearing anything about it! I finally just blurted out, "have fun making $#!+ go uphill, Dad...I'd love to see you succeed!" He spent ~$300 on plumbing supplies that're still stacked on the property; and Dad's still hauling poop from his RV to the septic!
Seems like they want to put it in your brain and you should always agree! Yep! Ahum! You’re so right!After all they know everything, so why would there be any thinking otherwise! No room for them being wrong!
Other pet phrases: "that's your perception" / "what you feel has to do with you, not me" / "you don't know me"... it's more important for them to be right than to understand the other person and come up with a solution or agreement...
I worked at a toxic job where a lot of politics were going on. I wound up resigning. On the way out, the boss asked, "Are you leaving because of me?" The truth was, I wasn't and said so (I was leaving because of other reasons). I did candidly mention, however -- and I did not mean it maliciously -- I hoped the boss would thank the team for their hard work after thanking her for the opportunity. I wound up being rehired and going back months later, thinking I was on decent terms with this woman generally, only to become the target of a malicious campaign to smear me that ultimately put me in the hospital and had me fired. I haven't worked in years and even faced homelessness. I have CPTSD, as well. My life has been destroyed. I have beaten myself up -- others have helped as well --- about saying anything at all. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all, but did my response warrant the ruin of my life, health, and finances? It blows my mind that someone would be so offended by a comment like mine -- or just a bit of candor -- they would try to literally destroy someone and almost succeed. Imagine if I actually had a true insult and delivered it.
Chris Wyma You originally left her and made a suggestion she should thank her tam for their hard work. For the narc, that was reason enough to pull you back in so she could hurt you. They don’t like to be left. And they don’t like suggestions. I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. God will replace what was taken from you...multiplied. Hang in there.
Dr. Carter, today's title of Your video reminds me on some kind of totalitarianism where everyone has to have the same opinions in public life. If we have the possibilities to receive different input, different insight, then all of these make our life richer. Dr. Carter, thanks for this interesting topic.
@ Dr. C and community… Perspectives are good and needed. In my opinion people who cannot receive input seem to have a fixed mindset. It’s kind of like the person who yells I am sure at the top of their lungs but are wrong. I am the type that likes to have independent thinking. It doesn’t make me right but it also doesn’t make me wrong yet I am open to input. 🤔❤️✊🇺🇸🌎
My mother is a narcissist. She almost always tells me how I should plan my day and do things (I'm 56 years old.) When I tell her I'm doing things my way, she usually has something to say about it and it's never good. I'm working on just ignoring what she says in those instances and doing what I want anyway. It feels "wrong" but that's my work to do, not hers.
If only my N. Mother could have received input and not responded with how dare you!, we wouldn’t have experienced non-stop bickering between my parents . It never ceased, and got worse as they aged, and they never comprehended the stress level it placed on all those around. The irony of needing to win is to lose, yet that doesn’t register to the N.
My mom is so painful and down right mean. It's all or nothing. So it's nothing. I even grew up on the streets since I was 12. She actually took my brother and I and dropped us off at the Recieving Home in Billings which is the orphanage basically. Homeless shelter for kids.
I’ve realized that I’ve done this and I’m deep disappointed about it. I broke up with a narcissist March 19th and it took me a while to figure it out. First noticed that I was being gaslighted, and once I mentioned that to her it was a complete 180 from her. Then a seen the evil narc soulless stare, never seen anyone look at me like that. Absolutely sickening look of death and distain. The flash backs are helping me figure out my flaws that need attention. Weirdest time of my life, but my plan is to turn this into a positive.
@@jermz8273 Yep. If not careful, we become like those we surround ourselves with. When dealing with a Narc, can't fight fire with fire. Only method that works, is to turn the other cheek.
@@jsf8145 The turn the other cheek is a misrepresentation of what that means. In that day rome ruled over Jerusalem. Remember they could not have a king and ceasers and priests were the law makers etc. The romans had a custom of slapping slaves with one swipe to a cheek. But if you were a roman you would receive an open handed strike and then a backhanded one. It meant you were an equal. Think about it. freedom.
@@dw3403 thank you. It’s definitely been tough, lost a lot of friends. Her smear campaign has worked, blocked and unfriended anyone connected to her. I don’t need that kinda of negativity in my life. Pretty sad to know my friends I knew before for her, were so willing to take her side. I guess they weren’t true friends in the first place.
Thankyou Dr.Carter, this has helped me So Much. I've been through an awful Week long barrage of Text messaged Insults and Cruelty from the narc. In my Life - My middle daughter, I disagreed with something she did to me, and she just wouldn't stop Berating me for reacting to her, saying I was all kinds of Horrible. It's nice to know you are here, it's like having a good friend on My side. 😊
Dr. Carter... Thank you for your Godly, delightful insightfulness. Just a thought? Your call, sir. Your channel, and we are so grateful for it! I see something like a 3-step vid? 1. Here is the topic; 2. Here are examples; and 3. Here are some possible ways to deal with it (the subject). For instance, if narcissism is the subject. Step 3. Some coping mechanisms, avoid fam get togethers at all costs, a few internal phrases to say in your own head, or phrases to reply back to the person... I have a friend who kept interrupting. As soon as it happened, I would say: INTERRUPT INTERRUPT INTERRUPT, until they let me finish my sentence, lol. Another trick? Repeat the last few words again and again until they stop interrupting. Excuse me, what I was trying to say before I was interrupted was... (complete the sentence, point or idea). Explain to them (the convo hogs) that a convo is like a tennis or ping-pong match. Each person is allowed to talk for 1 minute. Their time is up. Then it's someone else's turn. Great game that works? Rolls of pennies around a table. Each person gets X number of pennies. 10 or 20? Pick a subject: household issue, homework, time management, doing laundry/chores, washing/detailing the car, gardening, taking the shoes off at the door. No subject is off the table. Each sentence costs you a penny, put into the middle of the table or a bowl in the center. When YOUR pennies are gone, no more talking for that person. Helps us to choose our words wisely... Hope this helps someone out there... especially if you have kids. It's also a great sabotage for the loudmouth in the group/fam member who dominates the convos decade after decade -> meeting someone for lunch or? Bring along a roll of pennies!! Teaches conversational diplomacy... 🤣🤣✔
Whenever I attempt to explain something or tell something to my husband he jumps in and acts like he already knows what i'm going to say. So since he knows already.. I stop talking and walk away. THAT really annoys him. No point in trying to finish with all his interruptions. If it's something really important later I will try again and preface with... "Before i was rudely interrupted I was trying to say..." I say what I have to ... then walk away.
I would term it thinking in a rigid way as against flexible way to be able to see things from different angles or from a different perspective. I try to see things from another person's point of view. Yes I like the idea of learning something from anyone and everyone. I believe I need to be open to learning till the day I die. Tks🙏
Thank you, I hold on to my values, integrity, honesty and self respect with love. It helps. You do too. Our ability to listen to different beliefs is what attracts them to us! Thank you again. 🙏🏼❤😌
What burns me, is that his flying monkey/enabler girlfriend, expects me to bend over backwards to accomodate him(so does he). I won't stoop to their level, ever! Their loss of "narcissistic supply" Too bad for them!
"What a great idea!" I'm 50 years old, and I swear that I've never heard my parents or my sibling say that to me. Can't happen. They simply don't dig input.
Hi just found this new channel. Dr. Conner I want to thank you. I know I can use self improvement videos to deal with my attitude in the way I handle people that can be obnoxious . 😁🙏🏻
My sister, speaks and speaks HER opinion with no break and when I want to say something, all of a sudden she says "oh, let's not discuss that and anyway I have no time anymore"! It's only her who's allowed to talk but only in a monologue. Last time I told her to better speak to the wallpaper, because that never replies and will listen to her for ages... Oh, Les, she drives me crazy!
my road to recovery from narc abuse began as i was investigating my son and parental alienation. i have read some things about it during the heat of my divorce. i had no idea in 2019 what i would find and how it would lead me to narc abuse. its rampant in my family and i could likely make a list, but what good would it do. narcs form themselves in their late teens and early adulthood. and the alienation actually grooms a child to be a narc. its becomes a survival technique similar to hiding in the closet from danger. i didn’t realize until recently that my son may have crossed over to a point of no return. but is he a narc, i don’t know. maybe i’ll be in denial until he finds me (if he does) and proves me wrong. i know he cannot receive input and has always had a hard time with any criticism. this makes for being a terrible student. and non learner. i’ve learned so much in just the last few months. having myself a migraine today. its been a while since i’ve had a bad one like this. my brain must be swollen with all the knowledge. thanks Dr C
Usually they wants take over the room, and just talk fast and push their 'way' onto everyone else to obey. But when someone voice an opinion like 'why not consider...' the narc will fly into rage and say "Shut up " and especially likes to wave their hands on your face and try to use their body language to overshadow you at the same time. Its getting annoying the narc seemed to do this every time she visits my family (every couple of years) and seemed to talk nonstop even when the answer is already given to her. Without any facts or purpose of her question, she then proceed to treat me like a 'child' telling me "You just SHUT UP!" when I am a grown woman. I am surprised by that I saw she sees me as a child (totally out from reality) and also she just kept on rambling without sense and it looks like she is addicted to hearing herself talk.
thank you dr carter. i will pass that along to the person in my building who wrote i bet it cost on my mail. maybe she doesn't like bills. shes a nurse who cant shut up.
Before I separated from my narcissistic ex our therapist said, “You both have a dark and ugly side, and you bring out the worst in each other.” I agreed with him. By the time I left, I didn’t even like myself. My ex said, “I have a dark side, but I don’t have an ugly side.” He was violent toward me, and his first ex. When I told one of my male friends about his comment, he said, “OMG, he should buy himself a three way mirror so he could pretend he has 2 friends!”
Thank you so much for this DR Les, This was absolutely tremendous, I'm a lover of learning, Learning is winning, Inner work is important to grow as an individual, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high :-)
I was kidnapped and 3-way raped by mother's best friend's son in 3rd grade. Her reply? I didn't know. No hug, tears, convo, prayers... or healing between her and me. Haven't seen her since she and dad stole my truck from the parking lot while I was in a nursing home 5 years ago, after having the 1st of 7 toes amputated. I yelled, "MOTHER, DON'T DO THIS!", as she walked down the hall. She took my suv and drove it almost an hour away. It's a Felony. I called 911, as is my right by law. Owned that SUV for 23 years, and was 55 at the time. Go figure... 😖
Thank you for ALL your videos Dr. Carter, I very much appreciate them!! This one took me way too long to figure out regarding my ex-husband! Love, hugs & God Bless you 💕💕
I do believe we need certainty about our "faith in God." It is from this center that my presuppositions give impetus to my perceptions about life and relationships.
I attract narcissist every time I operate from my natural disposition which is kind, compassionate, and understanding. I’ve had to learn how to give less freely to others unfortunately.
MOST OF THE TIME WE ONLY GROW THROUGH ADVERSITY, I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO IS GROWING AND EVOLVING, WHY DO I REACT TO MY SIS'S PUT-DOWNS, BECAUSE INSIDE I DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH, I PRAY THAT I CAN STOP RE-ACTING AND BELIEVE I AM A WORTHY PERSON, WHO CAN BE OF SERVICE TO OTHER HUMANS, EVEN NARCISSISTS BUT NOT BY BEING MANIPULATED!
is it possible this view can be instilled in children who grew up in a house where this dynamic existed? my NX wouldn t ask my opinion on ANYthing, (he evem picked out family cars on his own )....he seemed to take the opposite opinion just to be stubborn....".can't reason with an unreasonable person."..now I see it in my grown sons....if the suggestoon/idea/opinion comes from their mom (me) it is met with usually a negative response.....someone else could say the same thing to them and they ll consider it!.....I have no patience for this anymore.... .
I am guilty of saying "That's just the way I am." I was talking about a personality trait that is part of who I am, and I didn't feel like it was necessarily a negative one. It was in a conversation with my covert narcissist mother, and it just seemed like she should accept me instead of trying to change me at a basic level. From what I remember, it was about my introversion and not being good at small talk, something like that. I can't force myself to have the personality she wants me to have, even though it's something I have tried to change for a long time. It just felt like a slap in the face for her to try to get me to change when I've already tried. What it came down to was, she was demanding that I say certain things like "how are you" and wanted me to call more often and be a sparkling conversationalist with her, when that was hard for me since I'm not good at small talk, I had to walk on eggshells with her AND there's not much left that I can discuss with her without her arguing or yelling. Was it wrong for me to say "That's just the way I am"? I feel like everyone has a right to their own personality even if a narcissist doesn't like it. I really would like to know if anyone thinks I was wrong, especially you, Dr. C!
With a narcissist, that phrase is translated: I refuse to adjust or change. Healthy people accept themselves as they are, yet can receive input and can adjust. Dr. C
there is an old saying. if one person says something about you, ignore it. if two say the same there may be something to consider. if three say it, you may have a problem. always remember the source though. if it benefits them only, forget it.
I say, so and so works like this. He’s asking of course for direction. The response he gives, is well I don’t know anything about that! Right, and you never intend to do so. Keeps you away from any responsibility. So empty and immature. How ever did I cope for thirty years? I just be delusional too.
Well,sometimes I run across vampires. You spend five minutes with a person like this and feel like you need a transfusion. A conversation always implicates in some way. A visit to their homes makes you feel like they are shopping for a quick meal. It is laughable until you notice that they never laugh. Like inspectors of some kind; gathering for future reference. You keep moving back,and they keep moving forward.
I learn a lot from your videos. Thank you very much for sharing your ideas. Maybe you could make a video about narcissist insecurity. By watching your videos I will be more tolerant with almost everyone. But I live in a very toxic society, see what the deputy said about the Ukrainian refugees. Is very important to protect ourselves in our society because men systematically mistreat women. We, women, are persons and I would like to talk over problems and be treated with respect, but here in Brazil more probably they will judge you for a job, for example, by your sexual appearance. How to know the difference between talking open-minded and protecting yourself from vulgar thought? Best wishes.
This trait is quite common in adult children of narcs who were lucky enough to avoid becoming a full blown narc themselves. ACONs invariably display narc traits. One of the biggest mistakes you can make with this type of person is to try presenting facts and evidence to prove your case. My experience has shown that it’s best to keep any sensitive actionable information away from them and don’t challenge their dissociation, you need to find ways to work with their dissociation instead of against it. To paraphrase the late 19th century French writer Gustave Le Bon, whoever can supply them with illusions is easily their master; whoever attempts to destroy their illusions is always their victim. To put it another way, they will punish you for presenting facts and evidence and then accuse you of abusing them. Narc projection strikes again !!😂😂
My narc brother always rejects my ideas as stupid, ridiculous, and just plain dumb. Then a week or so after I make a suggestion (and it gets shot down), he claims it as his idea and runs with it.
Dr. Carter, I want to ask, if it is a big insurance agency that has repeatedly been a bully, an abuser, etc., and you just eventually cut them off because they are "users" is that o.k.?
Sounds like my husband. “ hey, I noticed when you put two applesauce packs in her lunch she doesn’t focus on lunch so let’s not put the applesauce in her lunch or maybe just one” my husband : you said she can have two, you are trying to control me!!” It is exhausting.
Dr Carter what should we do when the people we live with don't clean after themselves and it troubles us and if we we tell them that that's not a good idea they become aggressive and slam doors and throw tantrums etc and there is a huge display of anger from them😕
He would say he doesn’t remember saying that, doing that, being there, telling that lie! One time I said “ How that must be very convenient for you “! I wouldn’t recommend that to you, but say it anyway!!! It’s worth it!!
They defend, deflect, deny, dismiss, diminish, and often times demean.
Yeah and then use, abandon, manipulate, gaslight, cheat, lie, and don't love. Too much misery to deal with period.
Don't forget discard!
.....then they turn around and blame you for acting out in the same manner in response to their arrogance. Blind to their own egocentric behavior initiating that whole process.
Gosh, sound like the government.
Going thru the big D and don't mean DALLAS!!
It seems to be a narcissistic trait and it can be extremely frustrating to deal with. If you give any input it's like you're challenging their sense of superiority. Even polite and necessary criticism is taken as an attack on their identity and it immediately puts them in a defensive posture. As if they are unable to accept responsibility for making a mistake or being wrong in any capacity. Always devolves into a blame game. Very unhealthy and extremely tiring to interact with anyone like that for any length of time.
operative word in your description being : *any* ... capacity.
i think the personality dimension is the agreeableness scale.
and those of sick mind - are broken at the extreme end - and unable to free themselves, thus expressing pure disagreeableness.
resulting in an extreme fragility when asked to be agreeable - in relation to being 'imperfect' (or the subjective accusation thereof)
@@cpg7804 They just don't know the word "agreeable", it's not in their dictionary. I got literally sick of it.
Ya it's a miracle we're not waiting for them to show us how the water's turned on and this shown to us daily!
Very well said.
@@Picca65 they do know just fine, that there is a thing called - agreeing (with truths)
just they choose to not face the truth.
much like a child, that's not yet devolved phytologically.
think - santa is real!
the truth is harder to process - while in the infant stage of development.
its just that - changing requires that you trust what the external world is there to help you.
as a pathologically minded & abuse victim - this is impossible.
so the sociopath just uses everything at their disposal as a means of 'making themselves safer'
and relationships are therefore commodities , there - to be operated, for maximum 'gain'.
(ie - in reality - the loss ; of the ability to evolve and change and grow.)
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Love that. Thank you, Dr. Carter.
Wisdom of the ages, right?
Indeed! Thanks!
Theodore Roosevelt said this and it applies to so many things... 😊
They acknowledge how much you know as long as they need your knowhow.
In some cases, these are the same people who USE others. They expect you to do things for them--all the while branding YOU as "immature".
Exactly and as soon as we speak out they play the victim!
I was branded "immature" when it was my narc dad, who was being immature! I was way more mature at 5 years old, than he was, at 26! I had to be the adult. It was exhausting!
Isn't that something, it must be how the expression "It's like talking to a wall!" came to be!
The only difference: A wall doesn't object your input!
@@Robidu1973 and it's up for a good scrub!
@@joseenoel8093 🤣✔, from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle.
Or:
It's like talking to a BRICK wall, lol.
@@majoroldladyakamom6948 - this is true.
Healthy people think: “Stronger together”. Narcissists think: “You detract from me”.
Another narcissist finds your weaknesses/vulnerability as a threat. Cant win
SO good.
I am so unlike my narc dad, that annoys him: good!
My Mother's pet saying, "You might as well get used to it, 'cause I'm not going to change."
OK. I never got used to "it", so I changed. 💞
Clever 🤘💞
*respect ✌
Pivot? Yup!
@@fairygurl9269 Clever would do. This is a Christian channel.
Profanity, no matter how "cleverly" disguised, is not necessary. 😪
Good for you,Tanya. And at least she said it straight so you you knew where you stood. My passive aggressive mother would just punish me by slander for not agreeing or complying.
That was also a favourite saying my narcissistic ex-wife lol. Along with "well, you're perfect aren't you??"
It's extremely frustrating that the people in my world always appear to be so righteous that they cut me off & dominate the script & can't even attempt to have a civil conversation about anything. I'm not looking to debate, be lectured to, accused of, or be interrogated...just crave a relaxing conversation. It seems the more you humble yourself, the more bitter they become.
@T.L. Get away from them as fast as possible. Surrounding yourself with like-minded healthy people is ver important. It’s like pouring fertilizer on a plant 🌱.
Nourishment is necessary for healthy growth.
My narc husband will not even look at an article or video I send him. He does not want to see anything that is different to his way of thinking. He does not want to grow and learn at all! It’s so frustrating.
Grow you and leave! 😉
And yet they know it all!!
My hubby refuses to listen to anything. You won't ever be able to make them listen. To them, YOU are the problem....always! And since they KNOW EVERYTHING it's waisted time for you to even try. Silence kills them more than anything! It makes them wonder where their doormat went. Just practice to ignore and walk away silently. Never ever give them more fuel for their fire. Leave them smoldering from their own fire pit of hell. Actually it gets to fun to watch them simmer!!!!
@@daythaheintzelman6634 They only want to play!!
grow, LEAVE, thrive
Narcissist HATES critisism and they will make it clear to you by abusing you or going into a rage and later putting it on you as if it is your fault for making them feel bad. No matter what they say or do don't dare critisize them. They can lie, cheat, disrespect but you have to watch your words when confronting them about it... But why they don't like to be critisize, they believe that you deserve to be critisize, humiliated or abused for whatever you did that is consider by them as offence.
Their attitude: their fault, no one else's fault!
Being able to receive input starts a conversation and leads to better understanding and greater trust. Not having this and not being able to talk about it with someone you love feels like the greatest loss ever.
Give an inch and they take a mile. Ironically you don't want their input after they've diminished, criticized, and invalidated you so often.
True, they can often show you just how dangerously stubborn and misinformed they are, its a nice warning from doing anything more
Exactly. My sister will complain for hours upon hours upon hours about the same stuff every single day (not even a conversation, just a monologue) and then stare at me for advice. But then when I finally get a chance to respond (not that I even want to!) she gets pissee and says, "I didn't ask you to SOLVE IT!!" And I'm thinking only two things at this point:
1.) Ok, then why do you stare at me until I talk?
And
2.) Ah, you just said it. You don't want solutions; you just want to complain for 8 hours uninterrupted.
There's a third option, actually: I could be on a hidden camera show?
Pet phrases when I addressed my ex-wife about how disrespectfully she treated me: "That's just my personality. Sorry you're so sensitive. I always got to walk on eggshells around you. Everyone else thinks I'm awesome."
Sounds like the crap I've heard from the malignant narc mommy putrid since was 14. I could live so easily without ever having contact again. I hope you can have a better life that's more compatible to your soul.
Huh, yeah--everyone in their MIRROR thinks they're awesome!!
"You're just too sensitive! You've always been that way," is what my nark says.
Yeah... Sure they do... Or they know it's not worth bringing up issues because they're just acquaintances or co-workers and know it won't go well.
She is arrogant and an asshole, rather than awesome! She's also delusional!
I have not yet listened to this but it resonates with just the title. We have a son-in-law who does not listen very well but talks continually as if to make sure he keeps the floor. When anyone tries to interrupt to be a part of his monologue he raises his voice a little to talk over them. He is so full of himself that he doesn't believe anyone else has anything to offer. When we disagree with him he becomes agitated and resumes talking as though you never said a word. He says rude things often and disguises them as jokes.
Ugh. Dr. C
That's disgusting. How is your child doing?
The longer they talk the righter they are! They use a lot of ands to lengthen their talking so you can’t get a word in edgewise! It’s like you needed to duct tape their mouth shut!!
I say don’t interrupt these people. Please allow them to talk and show who they are.
This describes a neighbor of mine too. It’s draining.
A narcissist will not challenge their own established set of beliefs.
🌾🐡
There’s nothing in their head. They just react and are up in their feelings.
They are so insecure and immature that they can't fathom that they are wrong!!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 Imagine that? Stunted growth.
And they are not sincerely curious about things outside of their awareness. I find spiritual people guilty of this.
They believe that you could not know anything more than they do.
This man is so amazing!! I need to find a therapist that understands narcissistic behavior!
First, I have to give little background so this comment will make sense.
My Father is experienced with a chasm-esq volume of various things. From building a hot-dog muscle car from stuff at the junk yard when he was 15 to finishing construction of a beach house that had been abandoned for many years. He's truly the definition of a 'Jack of all trades, and master of none".
I spent my working career in land development design...drawing the construction documents for neighborhood and commercial projects. Needless to say, I know how sewer gets from your home to not in your way anymore.
Last summer he wanted to add a sewer line from the septic to his RV on a vacation property so he wouldn't have to haul poop. One problem, the septic inlet is nearly 2ft higher than the RV's outlet...respectfully, I tried to tell him this; obviously he wasn't hearing anything about it!
I finally just blurted out, "have fun making $#!+ go uphill, Dad...I'd love to see you succeed!"
He spent ~$300 on plumbing supplies that're still stacked on the property; and Dad's still hauling poop from his RV to the septic!
I love your comment. It’s a great analogy, actually. Funny too!
Seems like they want to put it in your brain and you should always agree! Yep! Ahum! You’re so right!After all they know everything, so why would there be any thinking otherwise! No room for them being wrong!
You got it, Rory! Dr.C
🤣🤣🤣🤣🎯
I think I Love 💘 you, Rory.
Just a little input 🙂
Dr C, you are a breath of refreshing air. Thank you. Wish you were in politics!
He excels where he is at. And we are so blessed.
I know about such one person who can NOT receive input from other people and... OMG so this is how a covert narcissism looks like...
Other pet phrases: "that's your perception" / "what you feel has to do with you, not me" / "you don't know me"... it's more important for them to be right than to understand the other person and come up with a solution or agreement...
My narc dad said "You misinterpreted what I said". No!
"It could be teenagers you live with or people you brought those teenagers into the world with." 😂😂😂
or adults who still behave like teenagers
The one downvote is from the one guy who can’t receive input
That made me chuckle. Dr. C
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣✔
🤣🤣😂
The narcissist!
Doctor C,
I can receive input, just not people who are being super critical on purpose, or people trying to triangulate me.
I worked at a toxic job where a lot of politics were going on. I wound up resigning. On the way out, the boss asked, "Are you leaving because of me?" The truth was, I wasn't and said so (I was leaving because of other reasons). I did candidly mention, however -- and I did not mean it maliciously -- I hoped the boss would thank the team for their hard work after thanking her for the opportunity. I wound up being rehired and going back months later, thinking I was on decent terms with this woman generally, only to become the target of a malicious campaign to smear me that ultimately put me in the hospital and had me fired. I haven't worked in years and even faced homelessness. I have CPTSD, as well. My life has been destroyed. I have beaten myself up -- others have helped as well --- about saying anything at all. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all, but did my response warrant the ruin of my life, health, and finances?
It blows my mind that someone would be so offended by a comment like mine -- or just a bit of candor -- they would try to literally destroy someone and almost succeed. Imagine if I actually had a true insult and delivered it.
Chris Wyma You originally left her and made a suggestion she should thank her tam for their hard work. For the narc, that was reason enough to pull you back in so she could hurt you. They don’t like to be left. And they don’t like suggestions. I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. God will replace what was taken from you...multiplied. Hang in there.
@@wheelerpat8 prayers for that amen
Some ppl are just dumb evil a**holes. Dr. Carter says it nicer than that...
So glad you have resumed this channel Dr C, really enjoy 👌
Glad you enjoy it! Dr. C
Thank you, and to Gus!
Dr. Carter, today's title of Your video reminds me on some kind of totalitarianism where everyone has to have the same opinions in public life. If we have the possibilities to receive different input, different insight, then all of these make our life richer.
Dr. Carter, thanks for this interesting topic.
@ Dr. C and community… Perspectives are good and needed. In my opinion people who cannot receive input seem to have a fixed mindset. It’s kind of like the person who yells I am sure at the top of their lungs but are wrong. I am the type that likes to have independent thinking. It doesn’t make me right but it also doesn’t make me wrong yet I am open to input. 🤔❤️✊🇺🇸🌎
My narc's go to was always "It's just me. This is just the way I am" (he is now my ex narc)
Good for you!
My narcs pet phrase is " hey I'm a driven individual and it's got to be my way".
Retort to that: "Count me out!"
Then leave him to his own devices if possible.
Another is
My Way, or the Highway: with those specific words or actions. Ugh. 😓
Yep, they tell everyone that they are doing IT wrong. Good talk Dr C.
Wow I'm excited about this one, because it's a struggle in my home.
My mother is a narcissist. She almost always tells me how I should plan my day and do things (I'm 56 years old.) When I tell her I'm doing things my way, she usually has something to say about it and it's never good. I'm working on just ignoring what she says in those instances and doing what I want anyway. It feels "wrong" but that's my work to do, not hers.
❤💯
If only my N. Mother could have received input and not responded with how dare you!, we wouldn’t have experienced non-stop bickering between my parents . It never ceased, and got worse as they aged, and they never comprehended the stress level it placed on all those around. The irony of needing to win is to lose, yet that doesn’t register to the N.
My mom is so painful and down right mean. It's all or nothing. So it's nothing. I even grew up on the streets since I was 12. She actually took my brother and I and dropped us off at the Recieving Home in Billings which is the orphanage basically. Homeless shelter for kids.
Wow, that’s awful. Sorry.
Sorry 😟💙🙏💙
Liked, subscribed and rang the bell for ALL notifications. 👍
Great choice. You will never look back.
I’ve realized that I’ve done this and I’m deep disappointed about it. I broke up with a narcissist March 19th and it took me a while to figure it out. First noticed that I was being gaslighted, and once I mentioned that to her it was a complete 180 from her. Then a seen the evil narc soulless stare, never seen anyone look at me like that. Absolutely sickening look of death and distain.
The flash backs are helping me figure out my flaws that need attention.
Weirdest time of my life, but my plan is to turn this into a positive.
I’ve never been like this before either. Brought the worst of me out.
@@jermz8273 Yep. If not careful, we become like those we surround ourselves with. When dealing with a Narc, can't fight fire with fire. Only method that works, is to turn the other cheek.
@@jsf8145 The turn the other cheek is a misrepresentation of what that means.
In that day rome ruled over Jerusalem. Remember they could not have a king and ceasers and priests were the law makers etc. The romans had a custom of slapping slaves with one swipe to a cheek. But if you were a roman you would receive an open handed strike and then a backhanded one. It meant you were an equal.
Think about it. freedom.
@@jermz8273 But you are aware of it. Narcs could care less.
you have post traumatic stress, read about it. Its ok, you will heal.
@@dw3403 thank you. It’s definitely been tough, lost a lot of friends. Her smear campaign has worked, blocked and unfriended anyone connected to her. I don’t need that kinda of negativity in my life.
Pretty sad to know my friends I knew before for her, were so willing to take her side. I guess they weren’t true friends in the first place.
"It's not normal to do/think/say that!" is what someone who's always right has said in our acquaintance.
Thank you for your input. This channel helps me to grow! 😲
Thankyou Dr.Carter, this has helped me So Much. I've been through an awful Week long barrage of Text messaged Insults and Cruelty from the narc. In my Life - My middle daughter, I disagreed with something she did to me, and she just wouldn't stop Berating me for reacting to her, saying I was all kinds of Horrible. It's nice to know you are here, it's like having a good friend on My side. 😊
So true Dr. Carter thank you again...
My family is full of them😠
I hope you found/find a way to stay healthy.
So is mine.
Yes, some people have insights that I haven’t even thought about. Like you👍
Thanks for this. Understanding others is good to practice .
Dr. Carter... Thank you for your Godly, delightful insightfulness.
Just a thought? Your call, sir. Your channel, and we are so grateful for it!
I see something like a 3-step vid?
1. Here is the topic;
2. Here are examples; and
3. Here are some possible ways to deal with it (the subject).
For instance, if narcissism is the subject. Step 3.
Some coping mechanisms, avoid fam get togethers at all costs, a few internal phrases to say in your own head, or phrases to reply back to the person...
I have a friend who kept interrupting. As soon as it happened, I would say:
INTERRUPT
INTERRUPT
INTERRUPT, until they let me finish my sentence, lol.
Another trick? Repeat the last few words again and again until they stop interrupting.
Excuse me, what I was trying to say before I was interrupted was... (complete the sentence, point or idea).
Explain to them (the convo hogs) that a convo is like a tennis or ping-pong match. Each person is allowed to talk for 1 minute. Their time is up. Then it's someone else's turn.
Great game that works? Rolls of pennies around a table. Each person gets X number of pennies. 10 or 20?
Pick a subject: household issue, homework, time management, doing laundry/chores, washing/detailing the car, gardening, taking the shoes off at the door. No subject is off the table.
Each sentence costs you a penny, put into the middle of the table or a bowl in the center.
When YOUR pennies are gone, no more talking for that person.
Helps us to choose our words wisely... Hope this helps someone out there... especially if you have kids.
It's also a great sabotage for the loudmouth in the group/fam member who dominates the convos decade after decade -> meeting someone for lunch or?
Bring along a roll of pennies!!
Teaches conversational diplomacy... 🤣🤣✔
Whenever I attempt to explain something or tell something to my husband he jumps in and acts like he already knows what i'm going to say.
So since he knows already.. I stop talking and walk away. THAT really annoys him. No point in trying to finish with all his interruptions.
If it's something really important later I will try again and preface with...
"Before i was rudely interrupted I was trying to say..."
I say what I have to ... then walk away.
Thank you I like your response
👍👍👍
Does your husband think he can read your mind?! Very arrogant of him! You deserve better treatment than his!
Thanks for all you do to help us, Dr. Carter! Watching from Texas.
Thank you Doctor. Your videos are fantastic.
I would term it thinking in a rigid way as against flexible way to be able to see things from different angles or from a different perspective. I try to see things from another person's point of view. Yes I like the idea of learning something from anyone and everyone. I believe I need to be open to learning till the day I die. Tks🙏
Thank you Dr Carter❤
Thank you, I hold on to my values, integrity, honesty and self respect with love. It helps. You do too.
Our ability to listen to different beliefs is what attracts them to us!
Thank you again. 🙏🏼❤😌
wish it hadnt taken me so long to find out he will never change !
What burns me, is that his flying monkey/enabler girlfriend, expects me to bend over backwards to accomodate him(so does he). I won't stoop to their level, ever! Their loss of "narcissistic supply" Too bad for them!
You're a wonderful knowledgeable man .
The best ... Yes , that is what you are.
"What a great idea!"
I'm 50 years old, and I swear that I've never heard my parents or my sibling say that to me. Can't happen.
They simply don't dig input.
Hi just found this new channel. Dr. Conner I want to thank you. I know I can use self improvement videos to deal with my attitude in the way I handle people that can be obnoxious . 😁🙏🏻
My sister, speaks and speaks HER opinion with no break and when I want to say something, all of a sudden she says "oh, let's not discuss that and anyway I have no time anymore"!
It's only her who's allowed to talk but only in a monologue. Last time I told her to better speak to the wallpaper, because that never replies and will listen to her for ages...
Oh, Les, she drives me crazy!
I'm feeling it with you! Ugh. Les
The wallpaper is peeling away, to get away from her!
my road to recovery from narc abuse began as i was investigating my son and parental alienation. i have read some things about it during the heat of my divorce. i had no idea in 2019 what i would find and how it would lead me to narc abuse.
its rampant in my family and i could likely make a list, but what good would it do.
narcs form themselves in their late teens and early adulthood. and the alienation actually grooms a child to be a narc. its becomes a survival technique similar to hiding in the closet from danger.
i didn’t realize until recently that my son may have crossed over to a point of no return. but is he a narc, i don’t know. maybe i’ll be in denial until he finds me (if he does) and proves me wrong.
i know he cannot receive input and has always had a hard time with any criticism. this makes for being a terrible student. and non learner.
i’ve learned so much in just the last few months. having myself a migraine today. its been a while since i’ve had a bad one like this. my brain must be swollen with all the knowledge.
thanks Dr C
Usually they wants take over the room, and just talk fast and push their 'way' onto everyone else to obey. But when someone voice an opinion like 'why not consider...' the narc will fly into rage and say "Shut up " and especially likes to wave their hands on your face and try to use their body language to overshadow you at the same time. Its getting annoying the narc seemed to do this every time she visits my family (every couple of years) and seemed to talk nonstop even when the answer is already given to her. Without any facts or purpose of her question, she then proceed to treat me like a 'child' telling me "You just SHUT UP!" when I am a grown woman. I am surprised by that I saw she sees me as a child (totally out from reality) and also she just kept on rambling without sense and it looks like she is addicted to hearing herself talk.
thank you dr carter. i will pass that along to the person in my building who wrote i bet it cost on my mail. maybe she doesn't like bills. shes a nurse who cant shut up.
Oh dear me, Dr. Carter.
You give good guidance. TY
Yep Dr C....this is my life unfortunately! Difficult every single day.... he has no idea!
Thank you for your insights, very helpfull indeed
Such great encouragement and instruction! Thx Dr.C!
Before I separated from my narcissistic ex our therapist said, “You both have a dark and ugly side, and you bring out the worst in each other.” I agreed with him. By the time I left, I didn’t even like myself. My ex said, “I have a dark side, but I don’t have an ugly side.” He was violent toward me, and his first ex. When I told one of my male friends about his comment, he said, “OMG, he should buy himself a three way mirror so he could pretend he has 2 friends!”
Wonderful!
Thank you so much for this DR Les, This was absolutely tremendous, I'm a lover of learning, Learning is winning, Inner work is important to grow as an individual, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high :-)
I was kidnapped and 3-way raped by mother's best friend's son in 3rd grade.
Her reply?
I didn't know.
No hug, tears, convo, prayers... or healing between her and me.
Haven't seen her since she and dad stole my truck from the parking lot while I was in a nursing home 5 years ago, after having the 1st of 7 toes amputated.
I yelled, "MOTHER, DON'T DO THIS!", as she walked down the hall. She took my suv and drove it almost an hour away.
It's a Felony. I called 911, as is my right by law. Owned that SUV for 23 years, and was 55 at the time.
Go figure... 😖
Great video, good info!
Thank you for ALL your videos Dr. Carter, I very much appreciate them!! This one took me way too long to figure out regarding my ex-husband! Love, hugs & God Bless you 💕💕
Keep learning, Angie. And thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C
my nmom and enabler dad...
10:30 A healthy person
I do believe we need certainty about our "faith in God." It is from this center that my presuppositions give impetus to my perceptions about life and relationships.
I attract narcissist every time I operate from my natural disposition which is kind, compassionate, and understanding. I’ve had to learn how to give less freely to others unfortunately.
Me too
Good morning Dr.Carter 🌞
MOST OF THE TIME WE ONLY GROW THROUGH ADVERSITY, I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO IS GROWING AND EVOLVING, WHY DO I REACT TO MY SIS'S PUT-DOWNS, BECAUSE INSIDE I DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH, I PRAY THAT I CAN STOP RE-ACTING AND BELIEVE I AM A WORTHY PERSON, WHO CAN BE OF SERVICE TO OTHER HUMANS, EVEN NARCISSISTS BUT NOT BY BEING MANIPULATED!
is it possible this view can be instilled in children who grew up in a house where this dynamic existed? my NX wouldn t ask my opinion on ANYthing, (he evem picked out family cars on his own )....he seemed to take the opposite opinion just to be stubborn....".can't reason with an unreasonable person."..now I see it in my grown sons....if the suggestoon/idea/opinion comes from their mom (me) it is met with usually a negative response.....someone else could say the same thing to them and they ll consider it!.....I have no patience for this anymore....
.
My narc dad still thinks only his opinion matters! He's delusional!
Very Good
I am guilty of saying "That's just the way I am." I was talking about a personality trait that is part of who I am, and I didn't feel like it was necessarily a negative one. It was in a conversation with my covert narcissist mother, and it just seemed like she should accept me instead of trying to change me at a basic level. From what I remember, it was about my introversion and not being good at small talk, something like that. I can't force myself to have the personality she wants me to have, even though it's something I have tried to change for a long time. It just felt like a slap in the face for her to try to get me to change when I've already tried. What it came down to was, she was demanding that I say certain things like "how are you" and wanted me to call more often and be a sparkling conversationalist with her, when that was hard for me since I'm not good at small talk, I had to walk on eggshells with her AND there's not much left that I can discuss with her without her arguing or yelling. Was it wrong for me to say "That's just the way I am"? I feel like everyone has a right to their own personality even if a narcissist doesn't like it. I really would like to know if anyone thinks I was wrong, especially you, Dr. C!
With a narcissist, that phrase is translated: I refuse to adjust or change. Healthy people accept themselves as they are, yet can receive input and can adjust. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thank you Dr. C!
there is an old saying. if one person says something about you, ignore it. if two say the same there may be something to consider. if three say it, you may have a problem.
always remember the source though. if it benefits them only, forget it.
I say, so and so works like this. He’s asking of course for direction. The response he gives, is well I don’t know anything about that! Right, and you never intend to do so. Keeps you away from any responsibility. So empty and immature. How ever did I cope for thirty years? I just be delusional too.
Sorry Dr. O. Ra.
Adversarial attitude comes from my hyper vigilance.
Well,sometimes I run across vampires. You spend five minutes with a person like this and feel like you need a transfusion.
A conversation always implicates in some way. A visit to their homes makes you feel like they are shopping for a quick meal. It is laughable until you notice that they never laugh. Like inspectors of some kind; gathering for future reference. You keep moving back,and they keep moving forward.
My way or the highway. I don't need help, you do are phrases I've used as well.
I learn a lot from your videos. Thank you very much for sharing your ideas. Maybe you could make a video about narcissist insecurity. By watching your videos I will be more tolerant with almost everyone. But I live in a very toxic society, see what the deputy said about the Ukrainian refugees. Is very important to protect ourselves in our society because men systematically mistreat women. We, women, are persons and I would like to talk over problems and be treated with respect, but here in Brazil more probably they will judge you for a job, for example, by your sexual appearance. How to know the difference between talking open-minded and protecting yourself from vulgar thought? Best wishes.
Why even waste time and energy trying to give input, let them stew in their own dirt, alone.
Unless you're married to them, then you get to swim in the stew they create and marinate in it until death do you part
"Am I an unbendy person?" ....as rigid as a surf board!
This trait is quite common in adult children of narcs who were lucky enough to avoid becoming a full blown narc themselves. ACONs invariably display narc traits. One of the biggest mistakes you can make with this type of person is to try presenting facts and evidence to prove your case. My experience has shown that it’s best to keep any sensitive actionable information away from them and don’t challenge their dissociation, you need to find ways to work with their dissociation instead of against it.
To paraphrase the late 19th century French writer Gustave Le Bon, whoever can supply them with illusions is easily their master; whoever attempts to destroy their illusions is always their victim.
To put it another way, they will punish you for presenting facts and evidence and then accuse you of abusing them. Narc projection strikes again !!😂😂
It's unsettling. Anything you say is wrong, they don't need your help when you offer, their ideas are always better then yours.... ugh
My narc brother always rejects my ideas as stupid, ridiculous, and just plain dumb. Then a week or so after I make a suggestion (and it gets shot down), he claims it as his idea and runs with it.
@@wheelerpat8 that's so annoying, right? My ex did this too😑
Why was this posted as IN 30 MINUTES, when it is the actual posting... ?
Dr. Carter, I want to ask, if it is a big insurance agency that has repeatedly been a bully, an abuser, etc., and you just eventually cut them off because they are "users" is that o.k.?
I have someone who makes fun of some old time sayings I use. I like to be me, and if i'm an old soul i'm ok with that.
there is a lot of wisdom in those old sayings. Dont worry, those who are open will receive them. I have been seeing some used lately.
Sounds like my husband. “ hey, I noticed when you put two applesauce packs in her lunch she doesn’t focus on lunch so let’s not put the applesauce in her lunch or maybe just one” my husband : you said she can have two, you are trying to control me!!” It is exhausting.
I call it, there's no new information going in! LOL!
Good way to describe it. Dr. C
👄 thanks doc
maybe now i can
stop banging my
head on the wall
Or who WILL not receive input.
Dr Carter what should we do when the people we live with don't clean after themselves and it troubles us and if we we tell them that that's not a good idea they become aggressive and slam doors and throw tantrums etc and there is a huge display of anger from them😕
If I mentioned something twice, God forbid, he would say I was nagging????!!!
They are so full of themselves, that nothing can get in(input)!
Does it include the 4 nos a bullying tactic uses then they say they never heard the other 3? It feels like manipulation and car sales tactics.
He would say he doesn’t remember saying that, doing that, being there, telling that lie! One time I said “ How that must be very convenient for you “! I wouldn’t recommend that to you, but say it anyway!!! It’s worth it!!