My Mom Doesn’t Respect How We Parent
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.พ. 2025
- My Mom Doesn’t Respect How We Parent
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And then parents wonder why their adult children want nothing to do with them. Her parents sound just like my parents. Talking to them isn't going to matter one bit because they just don't care. The reason they act this way is they have suffered trauma in their life. This caller can't fix that. The only solution is to limit contact.
You mean sexually?
When someone tries to guilt trip me - “We’ll, I guess we’ll just eat here alone without you,” I just cheerfully say, “OK, good, we’ll be back before noon,” and head out the door. I’m not playing that game. Take the power back.
“Most people want to be connecting most of the time, they just don’t know how.”
Love, love, LOVE this. My sibling and I made very different choices when it came to connecting as adults with our parents - sibling cut them off without so much as an explanation, while I took the leap and had the hard conversations with them. They and I have great relationships now.
I can’t help but feel sad for my sibling, who didn’t even give them a chance to respond to a boundaries conversation; I was so pleasantly surprised by how willing they were to listen, and even permanently alter behaviors towards me.
Nobody owes anyone anything, but I think people who cut others off without giving them a final opportunity to hear you say your piece (barring truly unsafe situations) are missing out on some of the best parts of life.
I'm glad you were able to resolve things with your parents, truly. There *are* people like them who don't know better but do care to change.
I don't disagree with what you said either, I want to make that clear, but I will put one little caveat in - not to argue with you but more as an addendum because this is a nuanced conversation:
There are some people who will say "I have no idea why my child won't speak to me," but they have in fact been told multiple times that their behaviour is hurtful or a problem. Often they responded by telling their children they're too sensitive, that things they remember didn't happen (even though other people in the family might also remember), or even apologising and then continuing the behaviour anyway, only to act like the hurt party when it's pointed out that promised to stop doing that. And then when their adult child finally gets tired of being hurt and goes no contact (often even explaining why before leaving), they act shocked. They ask how this could have happened. They will say they don't understand what went wrong, even after being given letters with explanations and boundaries so they had something to refer to.
I know there absolutely *are* people who go no contact without warning. In some cases (e.g. abuse) it can be entirely warranted. But there are also a number of people out there who will *say* they don't understand why their child went no contact and wish they'd had a chance to talk about it, when they were in fact given many. I keep that in mind when people talk about how often children cut parents off without warning - I can't know the actual numbers, but I do know the prevalence of that actually happening isn't as high as many of those parents say it is.
This is so common today. I hope she sets the boundaries that are needed.
This is becoming a big deal. Narcissistic parents are taking over and people are going no contact!!
NC for 3 years now with my mom. Don’t miss her one bit, but I do miss the idea of having a mom.
There are also a lot of narcissistic kids who punish parents by withdrawing love and connection. Narcissists vilify people and turn others against those that they disconnect from. So personally, I take many of these "no contact" stories from adult children with a grain of salt.
I agree her family may be difficult to deal with but I also feel like if you bring your young kids to someone else’s house you should also be cognizant and respectful to their desires too. Your father should never clean up your children’s mess at his house be also considerate of someone’s home etc esp with kids
I ended up still meeting up with my family, but I had to do it in a neutral environment. We organised bbq's at the park, stayed in seperate accomodation and went to restaurants. It was like a tyrant lording it over their own mini castle when we went to their house. Neutral ground for a season was ideal for us (and they behaved themselves in public 😂)
I got the same crap going on i get zero rescpect as a parent .. i told my mom they had a chance and werent great parents stay out of my buisness 🙌
It must be hard as a parent not to stick your two cents in, but it’s the best thing to do is to keep opinions to yourself if you want to keep your grown children around! Times change drastically from generation to generation and it must be hard for parents to realize that.
Nobody is going to change unless they want to. Families are crazy. Stay in a hotel, if your traveling to see them. Make visits shorter. Leave when you want to. Let your kids watch TV for a half hour at Grandma's. It's only for a little while. You can still have boundaries. Your boundry, is to leave their house when you've had enough. You just say, good bye, we got to go.
I was thinking the same thing about a hotel or AirBNB and give some freedom around grandparents house too so the children can have some relationship with them too
This. This comment is underrated.
Yeah, maybe you could try and get me have a conversation with your parents but also recognize their house might roll differently. Choose what you can let go of for a little bit while you visit. And you might even say to your kids that while this isn't what we as a family do, we love Grandma and Grandpa and since this isn't a moral issue we will make a compromise while while we are there. And then the stuff that you can't tolerate for even 5 minutes is the stuff that you let the parents know will be what cuts a visit short (make sure you let these things to only what absolutely you have not tolerate) and yeah, a hotel is not a bad idea. And Saturday night when you go back to your hotel "we really look forward to seeing you for lunch after Church, unless you would like to meet us at Church and sit with us? Cause that would be so nice if you did 😊"
The first time I stood up to my father as a adult kind of started by accident. I honestly opened mouth and insert my foot. But it changed my relationship with my father for the better. It was at the dinner table. I was at a rare visit to his house. I was 22 years old. We had finished dinner and were talking around the table. And my dad says, "That's what's wrong with you kids! You don't listen to me!!" (I have 3 siblings) Oh, and he slammed his fist on the table. So I open my mouth and softly, but firmly say, "With all due respect, Dad. I've been out of the house for for 7 years. I don't have to listen to you anymore." OMG! When I heard what came out of my mouth, I thought I was a dead duck! But amazingly, my Dad leaned back in his chair (which we were taught not to do) and he said, "You are absolutely right, Lisa. You don't have to listen to me anymore." And I could tell he wasn't mad at me. He heard me and he wasn't mad! It was an amazing moment between me and my father and it changed the way we behaved toward each other for the rest of our lives. What it taught me was that if you want to have an adult relationship with your parents, first you need to be an adult and not a child, in their presence. Hold your ground with honesty and respect. It's a whole different ballgame. Now I don't want to tell you our relationship was all rainbows and sunshine from then on. We had a few bumps here and there. But I never let him berate me again for long. And he knew I wasn't going to tolerate bad behavior from him ever again.
You left home at 15? Were your parents divorced or something?
@@janiswi My parents divorced when I was 10, my mother died when I was 11, and my father remarried when I was 12. My father and his mistress did not want the children, but when my mother died, it changed everything.
Dang this hit hard! Thanks Dr. John!
Dr. John, Could you cover what to do with misbehaving, rude kids of family members? (I know that’s not the main issue in this video but) It’s definitely the parenting behind the matter and personally, it’s nearly unbearable to be around terribly behaved cousins/nieces/nephews. We tend to meet in neutral (public) spaces and purposely meet infrequently to alleviate the madness but any advice would be great!
When you feed the monster, it grows, and when you starve it, it gets angry but eventually shrinks. Unfortunately bullies puff themselves up to control the situation and we feed into it by complying to keep the peace.
Choosing a Faith for your immediate family to follow shows how much you truly love your children. Listen to Dr. John and have boundaries. Good Luck and God BLess you and your Family.
Do not go back to their house. Only meet in public where your mean old dad has to behave. He likely won't do it, so you're out. Easy peasy
I had to tell my mom she had a turn at being already and that it’s my turn to be a mom.
John : “nine year olds should know about sex”Not all 9 year olds are “created equal” its up to the parent’s judgement when sex is introduced as a concept.
If you've not told your kids about sex by the time they're 9, someone else definitely has. I think that's the point. If you wait too long, you're not gonna be the one to tell your kids about sex first.
Mom can hit the road.
Im very careful mot to critcise my adult children at all over anything, not that theres much i could they are fabulous
I wish more parents of adult children behaved this way, but then again, the criticisms seem to come from being confronted with their own parenting mistakes and you raised fabulous kids. 😂 maybe it’s easier for you not to criticize since you were acting a good parent.
Dr. John---why do you think a 9 year old should know about sex (the 3:40 mark)? Is there some literature that supports that or is that an anecdotal opinion? I have an 8 year old and that conversation is no where on my radar. I want to be open to parental blindspots I'm sure I have...but I also want to have compelling evidence if I'm being encouraged to push my parental boundaries.
I don't respect how they parent either but after a knock down drag out fight, we're good now.
For sure keep your kids away from the cousins who have full access to the internet. They are going to be showing your kids porn.
That's BS
You think kids don't know how to get around parental blocks? They usually know this tech better than the parents.
I@@faith6833 It's facts. Every kid with a phone is watching porn.
This controlling behavior is exactly why kids will grow up to resent their parents. Limit their internet time, do not completely remove it from their life. Also: in ALL my years as a young buck: I discovered porn on my own. My classmates maybe talked about it once, but kids don't just show each other porn lol😂 give them something cool to do and they'd rather do that. I loved street racing on bikes with the neighbourhood kids. One of my fondest memories.
@@faith6833no its not, you know how many men have come on the show talking about how they were given access or exposed to porn at 5 years old when they should be watching sesame street?😮
If I saw an allergy, abuse, or neglect of a grandchild of mine, I would step in. Otherwise, I wouldn't stick my nose into my child's business being a parent. I would want to know about what the grandchild wants for birthdays and Christmas and I would ask the parents what that would be. Otherwise, my children will know that I am a respectful person of boundaries.
I vote for being a bit more inquisitive re the behavior of her young children. If she and/or Hubs is permissive (not that she would necessarily be aware) and the kids are out of control (and they may not be), that’s one important layer to address in this conversation.
Why the heck does she care? I'm sorry but people care too much about what their parents think.
Because deep down people want to respect and have a good relationship with their parents. They also want their parents to respect them. So they search for a dynamic where it's all possible - if it's possible.
when its a really short visit, that will work. I use to just agree with my husbands grandma when she made comments about some of the things I allowed my kids to do was stupid. Maybe it was. I never got mad about. your right who cares?
Sounds like visiting my in laws.
Maybe the visits are just to long. Don't stay more then a day or 2.
Your extended family doesn’t get a vote.
Maybe your kids are annoying and not able to control themselves. They should be able to sit quietly when told to do so and pick up after themselves. My children were able control themselves by 6.
I'm definitely not going to modify my behavior to spend time with any other person; including my children and grandchildren.
You know I was just thinking the same thing. I had friends at one time whose kids were little monsters. They were wild and disrespectful and everything else. But the parents never saw an issue. Everyone else did on the outside. Just because you love your kids and put up with them being wild doesn't mean everyone else has to.
So much to unpack here. On one hand, I get the aggrivation over being disrespected by her folks. She shouldnt have to deal with that. However, you cant go to other peoples home a police everyone elses activities that are not in line with your own. If the grandparents are fine with screen time and the other kids having open convos, it is on you to not go to that envirnment. Still the neg comments from her parents arent cool
Sorry you're wrong about 9 year olds should know about sex. That's way to young! And them knowing about it at that age is not something they should have put upon them. Can we let kids have a childhood? - blessed mama of seven Rachel
Not knowing about sex and their body only set kids up for abuse. They don't need to know the details, but what kids don't know is appealing and they will go to other kids or adult willing to teach to their curiosity. Better be the parents than a creep.
Many 10 year olds get their periods. At 9, it’s perfectly normal to have the talk about body changes and why your body changes. That usually involves the sex talk. ‘Your body is getting rid off eggs bc you’re not pregnant.. this is how pregnancy works’
No tv but still roudy & noisy. Yup. Your approach is totally working.
have you met a child?
@@og666all children aren’t nightmares. Maybe yours
Better rowdy and noisy than being a screen zombie like so many children these days. Also, if you think noisy children are nightmare children, you probably don't have much experience with children.
@@Cathartic47 odd for you to call a child that's sometimes loud a "nightmare". adults are sometimes loud and the call seems to suggest that their father is just being dramatic, rather than responding to absurdly misbehaved children. how much did you have to beat your children to scare them into being mute?
@@Cathartic47there is a big difference between a nightmare kid and a loud and rowdy kid. My kids are loud and rowdy quite often. They are also considerate, kind, respectful, smart, and funny. But the are children, not mini adults or toys or accessories that exist to please the adults around them.
Could they be any more boomers?!? 🤨😂
Unfortunately your parents are not going to stop behaving the way that they do and the firm boundaries are not going to work with them. I'm sorry this is your situation, I'm in the same boat and I have almost no contact 🫤